The Language of Flowers

by B1ackCatChatsBack

Summary:

Sirius knew he couldn't avoid opening the shop that day. They were too new and had too many orders. This might be all he had left soon, anyway. While James was being so patient, he knew he'd have to fess up soon and then he'd be toast. As he began his day with a black coffee, sitting in front of his order book, the bell over the door tinkled...
-
Remus knew the universe had to be taunting him at this point. As he opened the door to the florist and walked in, he saw the same arsehole from the coffee cart - the one with the inky hair and the tattoos peeking out his collar - sitting behind the counter glaring at a book spread out before him. Fuck. He did not have the spoons to be polite to this prick just to get some flowers for his father's funeral. As he began to turn to leave he heard the impolite fucker speak.

"Are the flowers really that off-putting, or is it just me?" asked the chocolaty smooth voice.

Fuck. Remus had always had a thing for chocolate.

Chapter 1: Prologue: Good-bye, Good-bye, Good-bye. You Were Bigger than the Whole Sky

Sirius

Sirius was alone.

The BANG of the door still echoed in his ears as his head fell into his hands where he sat at his kitchen table. In the silence that followed Mary leaving, all he could hear was the last words she had spat before she had slammed the door in his face. Her curls had crackled around her lovely face as her features twisted with long overdue hurt and anger, and through tears she had struck the verbal blow:

“You want the world, Sirius. But you can’t have it all – especially when you neglect to inform those you want to share it with.”

His hands went from covering his face to cradling his chin as he leaned on the wooden surface, and he considered the last three years. His eye caught the picture stuck on the fridge across from where he still sat. It was taken at his best friend’s wedding 3 months after he started to date Mary. It showed just how much things had changed.

In the picture, his hair was shorter – a poncy-professional style he had for his poncy-professional job. His hair was rebelling even then though – curling over his brow in the sweaty heat of July in the midday. He wore a matching grey waistcoat and slacks – dove grey not storm-cloud grey, Lily had insisted – over a white long-sleeve button down, rolled up to the elbows. His sage green tie and pocket square matched that of the other two men in the picture.

Pictured to his left was the groom, James – head thrown back laughing at some joke the man on Sirius’s right had made, no doubt. Peter had always been the king of those dry, witty quips that you could never predict but hit you sideways when they were muttered out the corner of his mouth like he just couldn’t help it. Shorter than Sirius, who was, in turn shorter than James (“Only by an inch and a half though, I can still take you down, James.”), Pete was the definition of someone who could pass under the radar but only ever used his powers for good – if good meant ducking between large crowds to get to the front of the bar to get James and Sirius a few beers when the occasion called for it.

James on the other hand – the beautiful bastard – was the gentlest giant you could imagine. As well off as the rest of them, he had never needed some kind of sign from above or shock to the system to know exactly what it was he was meant to do with the wealth he was handed. He ran a non-profit that put kids from underrepresented and marginalized backgrounds through medical training. His foundation was initially funded with his own seemingly endless inheritance, but his magnetic and mischievous spirit had drawn other backers to his side very quickly.

Mary had come to the wedding. Next to his bed, Sirius kept a candid picture that the wedding photographer had snapped while they were dancing. Mary’s hair had been twisted up into a messy chignon, with damp tendrils escaping out the sides. Her pale pink dress complimented the orchid corsage she wore on her right wrist, pictured draped around Sirius’s neck as she leaned in for a kiss.

Sirius’ chair scraped against the tiled floor as he abruptly pushed it back and staggered blindly through his dark flat towards the bedroom he and Mary had shared just the night before. As he sat with a sob on the bed, he reached for the picture frame on his bedside. Stroking his thumb against the woman pictured in the image, Sirius wondered how he could have fucked this up so badly. How had all of the strides he’d taken to be a better, more authentic version of himself, led to hurting this person who had been so instrumental in the changes?

He couldn’t look at it anymore. He shoved open the drawer of the bed-stand and pushed the picture to the back. He knew he’d have to face her again. He’d see her the next time James and Lily hosted their mandatory monthly sit-down-and-talk family dinner on Friday.

Lily. Shit.

How was he going to face Lily? How was he going to face James?

As Lily’s best friend, he was sure that Mary would tell her when they saw each other on shift at the hospital tomorrow. Lily would never forgive him. And if she pushed him away, didn’t it follow that James might too? Brotherhood be damned, true love like theirs might beat Sirius’ place as James’ other-other half.

He couldn’t stay in the flat. He couldn’t be surrounded by all the memories and reminders of how he had failed.

Sirius was on his feet and walking toward the front door, his keys in his hands and his jacket pulled on before he knew what he was doing. As he ran down the steps toward the building’s garage and his bike, he knew where he’d go. He didn’t bother with a helmet. The universe could take care of everything with a neatly placed crash if it wanted to, Sirius wouldn’t mind. It was starting to drizzle as he backed his bike out of the lot. Choking back another sob, he sped into the night.

Ten minutes later he arrived at James and Lily’s place. He knew Lily was on shift. He just needed one more night before he lost everyone that he loved for good. He needed James.
He rang the doorbell. A few seconds later, Sirius saw the only family he had left sleepily opening the door.

James blinked. When his vision cleared, he took in Sirius in his leather Jacket - his long hair dripping in the downpour that had just started like some manifestation of Sirius’s misery. Then he took in Sirius’s expression, complete with red-rimmed eyes and trembling lips. His expression coloured with alarm as he yanked Sirius through the open door and into his arms, wet as he was.

“Sirius, what’s happened?” he asked a sleep-croaky voice.

Sirius sniffed, burying his head in James’s shoulder.

“James,” Sirius sobbed, “I’ve fucked everything."

James closed the door silently as the rain intensified, one arm still around Sirius.
They walked to the spare room silently where James gave him some dry pajamas and sat next to him on the bed. When Sirius’s head fell into James’s lap as he sobbed, he felt his brother’s hand making soothing circles on his back.

“It’s okay, mate,” he heard, "We’ll sort it out, yeah?”

 

***

Remus

“So…”

“So.”

“Can I have your number? Do this again sometime or meet for a drink, maybe?”

“Er…” Remus grimaced, hand coming up to the back of his neck sheepishly as he tried to figure out how to firmly but politely indicate that he’d rather not.

He didn’t need to say anything else. He saw Benji’s face drop as he took in Remus’s lack of eye contact and his hand moving towards the door to close it.

“Oh. Okay, well it was nice meeting you, Remus.” He said, voice laced with disappointment as he turned around moving toward the street from the front stairs of Remus’s house.

“Likewise…” Remus belatedly heard himself say quietly as Benji got into his car.

He closed the door and turned to his entrance hall.

He supposed he really should feel bad about being short with Benji. He was nice enough. Attractive. Shorter than Remus, but then most people were so that was hardly a feat – lovely tanned skin that contrasted with Remus’s pale, sallow complexion, and with an excitement for life that Remus needed every now and then. It wasn’t that Remus didn’t have a spark, but he was just so goddammed tired. Tired from his recent flare-up – he’d had to work through that one from his bed, the pills rattling around in him while he pushed through just a little longer. He tried not to do that as a rule. It usually resulted in an even longer bout than usual and then he’d end up taking even more time, pushing his sick leave, his savings, and the CEO’s patience to the absolute hilt.

And then there was the job itself. It mattered and that was the main thing. He was proud of the magazine he edited. The "Jargon" was a successful and influential publication that entertained patients as they sat in waiting rooms, kept night-shift nurses busy in their wards, and informed the general public who actually gave a shit about recent medical advances – explained layman’s terms – union issues and chronic illness alike. He was particularly proud of that last point. When the magazine started publishing a fortnightly column by an anonymous writer about the lived experiences of someone with chronic illness and pain, it had taken off vertically. It filled a gaping hole in the general understanding of the experiences and hardships of being perpetually ill. It gave doctors and nurses' perspective and prompted some to take patients seriously instead of accusing them of a drug habit. The publication received thousands of letters after the first one was published. People from all walks of life had felt seen and understood for the first time by an anonymous writer who had put their emotional and physical pain into print.

Of course, it meant more work for Remus. On top of his usual responsibilities of editing the mag, he now had the job of writing the damn column and keeping it a secret from everyone from the CEO to the general public. Albus didn’t ask Remus who the anonymous contributor was – only wanted guarantees that it would increase readership and good press. And of course, it had. No one spends more time in doctors' offices than the chronically ill, and the hospitals were their biggest buyers. After the column had been published, those patients subscribed to the fortnightly edition. And then there was the other job. The job managing his illness. Albus knew he was sick in a kind of general sense, but didn’t have any details – didn’t care, frankly as long as the job got done either at home or at HQ. The only other person who had known was his father. And he was dead now.

When Remus had got the phone call earlier that day– stepping into his house to hear his landline ringing – he’d just collapsed into a chair at his kitchen table and stared at the wall, numb. He looked at the pictures there. The only picture featuring his father was old – his parent’s wedding. It was a formal picture from the 80s, complete with floofy hair and a taffeta-explosion wedding gown. Both his mum and dad were smiling in the photo and Remus had been struck by how little he saw his father smile in life after his mother passed and he got his diagnosis.

Safe to say his feelings about his father had been complex, but that didn’t mean it was any less of a loss.

While he’d never been warm, his father had been the only ally he had in his illness. He’d taken Remus to every appointment and paid every bill without a word. His words had never said that Remus was a burden but Remus knew. Every night of overtime Lyall Lupin had worked came with the unspoken accusation – You are expensive. You have stolen my life. You are too much. And yet he’d made sure Remus had the very best care he could, taken time off when Remus needed looking after, and never been late to fill a prescription. But Remus never knew a dad who took him to cricket matches or had a celebratory drink with him when he received his GCSEs. When the results came in, he merely looked through the list of grades, nodded, and left for work.

With a jolt, Remus had looked away from the photo. As he filled the kettle and placed it on the stove for a cup of tea, he realized that he was an orphan now. With no friends that he was comfortable with enough to call to help him when he was ill or to come over now that he had these awkwardly-twisty-sad feelings to work through. That was why he had hopped onto a hook-up site and found Benji. For the illusion of intimacy and comfort. It could never have been more though. He knew that no one would ever want to stick around when they knew how much work it took him just to do the bare minimum. Remus barely had the energy to brush his teeth some days, so hollowed out by pain, fatigue and loneliness that he could hear his heartbeat echoing in his chest as he lay on his bed, listening to it stubbornly shuddering along even when Remus wanted it to stop.

Remus shook his head, still finding himself standing in the entrance hall. There were things to do tomorrow. He had to organize a funeral, send an email taking bereavement leave and then figure out what happened now that he had no one.

Chapter 2: And If I didn't know better I'd think you were still around

Summary:

Remus gets a scone, Sirius gets a coffee and we get to the scene of the first meeting.

TW for grief and impolite queue cutting

Notes:

this chapter goes out to sidniellupinblack, who left my first comment - thank you for reading <3

Sirius

When his alarm went off, the first thing Sirius noticed was that he’d forgotten to charge his phone. The next thing he noticed was that his charger was not next to his bed because this was not his bedroom. Then he clocked the Mary-less space next to him and he remembered.

He was at James’s.

Mary and he had broken up.

He was in so much shit.

He fell back on the cushions and took some deep breaths. He probably had 6 hours before Lily found out from Mary what had happened and he needed to figure out what he was going to do.

After he had arrived at their place the night before, all James had managed to squeeze out of Sirius was that they had broken up. Then he’d cried and cried and cried and James – sensitive bloke that he was – just let him. He knew they’d talk about it at some point, but he didn’t see a future in which James didn’t see him differently after he knew. He’d already lost Mary, and he’d almost certainly lose Lily. And James?

God. He hoped they could survive it.

Looking at the time on his phone, Sirius realized he’d wasted 20 minutes spiraling and the shop was due to open in another 20. Resigning himself to borrowing some of James’s clothes he peeked into his room, saw that James had already left for work, and fished a white t-shirt and some black jeans out of his dresser. He cuffed the jeans as he pulled them on and stuffed his feet into his still-wet doc-martins, wincing at the squelch they made. Finishing off with the tee and his Jacket, Sirius ran his hands through his hair and twisted it back into a messy bun at the back of his head. Catching a glance in the mirror on his way out of the room, he actively avoided spending too much time focusing on the purple circles under his eyes as he made sure he was decent and hurried out the door.

It took the fifteen-minute commute to the Black Rose Florist’s premises for Sirius to realize he would not survive this day without some form of caffeine. Remembering the coffee cart that was in the same complex as the store, he resigned himself to stopping and getting some sub-parr black coffee before he opened.

As he pulled up to the cart he reasoned that it was probably exactly what he needed. Nothing grounded you more than a shit cup of coffee.

Stalking his way over to the cart, Sirius began to think about his next steps. He definitely needed to tell James. But he couldn’t justify doing it over the phone. Maybe he and James would take his lunch in the complex and they could talk over food?

There was a man at the cart who looked to be staring into the display cabinet deciding on a pastry. Distracted as he was, Sirius didn’t pay him much attention other than to note he was TALL. Taller than Sirius, and probably taller than James. Deciding that the gent wasn’t ready to order yet, Sirius walked straight to the counter and ordered his coffee.

Telling James over food was probably the way to do it. James was the sort of person who would forgive a person who mugged him as long as they compensated for the theft by slipping a doughnut into his pocket as they left him in an alleyway. Thinking of food made him think of the dinner that Friday. Shit. It was going to be a cluster-fuck. He needed to find a way to talk to James before he saw Mary or otherwise weasel out of going. The chances of that happening weren’t good, however. James had been known to come by Sirius’s flat to drag him to his house by the ear in years gone by when Sirius was too worried about work and not concerned enough with connecting with his friends. This was especially likely now that James knew something was wrong.

Sirius let out a ragged breath as he picked up his coffee without a word and approached the shop.

He knew he couldn’t get out of the dinner.

As he unlocked the doors and switched on the lights of Black Rose Florists, he looked around his shop a little listlessly. He was feeling neither creative nor particularly customer service-ey, but he knew he couldn't avoid opening the shop that day. They were too new and had too many orders. This might be all he had left soon, anyway. While James was being so patient, he knew he'd have to fess up soon and then he'd be toast. As he began his day with his coffee, sitting in front of his order book, the bell over the door tinkled...

 

***

Remus

 

Remus got an early start the next day. Sitting at his kitchen table in front of his laptop, he started by emailing Albus, telling him he’d need the rest of the week to organize his father’s funeral. Next, he began to look for funeral venues, florists, and any information to do with burial plots, cremations, and urns until he had so many tabs open that it was slowing down his browser.

He checked the time – it was only 8.30.

Realizing that nothing would be open just then, Remus resigned himself to getting some food and a coffee and then trying again later.

His house wasn’t far from a little shopping complex that had a mobile coffee cart parked there during the day. He’d been a few times and though the drinks weren’t spectacular, the cabinet food was actually pretty special. The last time he’d been, he’d asked the girl working there – Dorcas – where they sourced their food and found out that the cart was part of a bakery franchise. The cart was an effort to try and expand its customer base. She also confided that she was trying to convince the owner – “a grumpy old tosser I call Moody” – to sponsor her to do a barista course to try and improve the standard of the drinks. After that, Remus had decided to frequent more often in the hopes of showing this “Moody” that Dorcas was worth the investment.

He decided to walk the short distance from his house to the cart, pulling on a bulky jumper against the morning chill, and pocketed his meds to take after he had a full stomach. His physical therapist was always on him to walk more – “It’s really like medicine,” – he imitated her under his breath. He immediately chided himself for thinking badly about her, she was never put off by his mood or his pain – sure she got paid to do it, but still it was worth something.

As he rounded the corner to the cart, he noticed that Dorcas was setting up and he waved. With a sunny smile, she beckoned him over.

“We’ve got a new scone in today!” she beamed at him

“Tell me more, tell me more!” he responded, smiling for what felt like the first time since he’d answered his landline the night before.

“Cranberry and Macadamia,” she responded pointing to it in the cabinet.

Remus wondered over, asking politely about how Dorcas was faring that morning when a whirlwind in a black leather jacket and a man-bun barrelled towards the cart. Cutting straight to the cart in front of Remus, he mumbled something to Dorcas that Remus missed as a car drove by. Remus bristled. Sure, he was looking into the cabinet, but the polite thing to do would be to have asked if Remus minded at least. Or at least acknowledged his existence rather than rudely cutting him off without even a glance. As Remus frowned at the man’s back, he saw the edge of some black-lined tattoos peeking out the back of the white t-shirt he wore under his jacket. The tattoos touched the base of the man's neck, highlighting the jet-black baby hairs escaping from a messily tied knot at the back of his head. The darkness of the hair contrasted sharply with the alabaster hue of the man’s skin.

Remus turned away to glower at the cabinet again to avoid catching the man’s eye. He didn’t want a scene before he’d even had breakfast. It didn’t take Dorcas long to sort out the man’s order though and he blew away in no time clutching nothing but a black coffee without even a word of thanks.

“Some people just aren’t for the mornings, I guess,” She said staring after him quizzically, “Now what about that scone, then?” She turned back to look at Remus, her smile back in place.

The scone was excellent. He ate it standing as he chatted to Dorcas about the day. He decided against talking about Lyall, choosing to pretend for a minute that he was just a person enjoying a scone in the early morning for no better reason than that he wanted to. He looked around the complex as he finished off the pastry, and noticed for the first time that there was a florist. He decided it must be a sign from the universe about what to get done first and resolved to stop there as soon as 9am came around.

He took in the name - Black Rose Florists - and thought it looked nothing like any other florist he’d ever seen. For one thing, through the windows he could see no displays of teddy bears, baskets of potpourri, or the other knick-knacks that florists so often sold with their arrangements. The exterior was completely black, with the lighting in the window lighting up the floral displays like art. Remus checked his watch and saw that it was just nine. As he waved goodbye to Dorcas and walked towards the store, he took in the window display again. The flower arrangements there were not frumpy and old-fashioned – there were no baby-pink and white bouquets wrapped in ribbon and perching in a vase. These arrangements were dynamic and interesting, with attention to depth and height and with bold colour combinations. They were creative and celebratory – they were alive.

They had a spark.

They WERE art.

Intrigued, he reached the door went in.

Remus knew the universe had to be taunting him at this point.

As he opened the door to the florist and walked in, he saw the same arsehole from the coffee cart - the one with the inky hair and the tattoos peeking out his collar - sitting behind the counter glaring at a book spread out before him. Fuck. He did not have the spoons to be polite to this prick just to get some flowers for his father's funeral – regardless of how incredible the window displays were. As he began to turn to leave, he heard the impolite fucker speak.

"Are the flowers really that off-putting, or is it just me?" asked a chocolaty smooth voice.

Fuck. Remus had always had a thing for chocolate.

***

Sirius
-

After Sirius spoke, the tall man turned around to look at him, a combination of alarm and irritation showing on his (handsome) face.

Sirius quirked the corner of his mouth up, attempting to appear like he was happy to have a customer come in rather than devastated to have someone there to witness his state of exhaustion, guilt, and general unhappiness.

The man walked over to the counter Sirius was sat at and Sirius realized he was the guy from the cart. He took the opportunity to look him over properly this time. He’d already noticed the man’s height, but now he also took in his long limbs that might have seemed lanky if it wasn’t for his broad shoulders and tapered waist. He wore an old-looking jumper that was tucked into his corduroy trousers, making it bunch slightly above his narrow-belted waist. He looked at his face – a kind face – that was the first thing Sirius' brain provided. He had a nice jawline, peppered with early-morning stubble. His face was framed by slightly floppy auburny-gold curls. It complemented his fair complexion, that dusted freckles over his nose and under his eyes – HIS EYES. They were almost too large. The dark brown irises being framed by long, fluttery lashes. Yeah, a kind face - although at the moment, those kind features registered disapproval, exhaustion and maybe a little bit of sadness too?

The man stopped at the counter, stuck his hands in his pockets and seemed to scan Sirius before releasing a breath that seemed to deflate the annoyance out of him, leaving the sadness and resignation.

Sirius missed the annoyance – the sadness hit too close to home.

“I need to order some flowers for a funeral on Friday – is this too short notice?”

Fuck.

His voice sounded strong coffee on an autumn morning.

“I know its already Wednesday,” he continued when Sirius didn’t speak, “but I only have this week before I’m needed back at work.”

This last statement seemed strange to Sirius. Did people usually die with enough notice not to inconvenience people?

“No. No, it’s not too short notice at all – I’m er, sorry for your loss?”

The last statement was coloured with tentativeness as the man had not said it was his loved one who had passed. He might be doing this on someone else’s behalf.

“Oh. Um. Thank you,” the man said, taken aback like he hadn’t expected it. He looked around again like he had before when he’d spotted Sirius and almost left. “This isn’t what I’d expect from a florist,” he said, but his throat sounded like he needed to clear it. “Do you normally do funeral arrangements?”

“Once or twice,” Sirius tipped his head from side to side considering, “were you expecting to be smothered in baby blue and baby’s breath, by any chance?” He raised his eyebrows with a wry smile.
The man gave out a breath that was almost a laugh, a ghost of a smile on his face. Sirius couldn’t help but miss it as soon as it passed.

“Something like that, yeah.” The gent’s eyes wandered around the store displays until he finally settled on Sirius.

They were quiet for a beat. Just sitting with the eye-contact, until Sirius broke it, looking down at the desk.

Sirius straightened his back and pulled his order book closer, ready to talk business.

“Well, my approach to flower arranging here is a bit different. I try to lean into the creative element of the craft and create something unique for every customer I serve. I don’t do reference pictures. We’ll consult about what you want and then I’ll take a few hours to sketch up a plan for you, email it over and then you’ll okay it or not.”

He looked up to see the man’s confusion fluttering over his features. He seemed to take in Sirius’s appearance, from the leather to the hair now falling out the bun into his face and the tattoos he knew were peeking out of James’s T-shirt.

“You do the arranging?” He asked with a raised brow.

Before Sirius could raise the familiar indignance, the man looked away, his cheeks colouring slightly pink.

“I’m sorry - that was rude,” he said quietly, “I know better to make assumptions about people based on their appearance” he finished.

He looked up and met Sirius’s eyes again and Sirius decided to drop it.

“Do you want to come sit at the table I have set up for consultations?” He raised, getting up off his stool to head towards the little chair and table set they had in a discrete corner.

“Erm, sure,” the man said, walking over and pulling out a chair before folding slightly stiffly into it.

“So, can you give me some more information about the person the funeral is for?” Asked Sirius softly, not wanting artistic fervor to get in the way of a little empathy.

“Er, his name was Lyall. He was Welsh.” He started a bit uncertainly.

“Okay,” Sirius said, beginning to write notes on a notepad in front of him. “Go on.”

“Well he wasn’t the sort of person to reveal a lot,” the other man continued. “He tended to keep things close to his chest.” Sirius nodded, scribbling.

“I guess I could compare him to the Welsh countryside.” Sirius looked up curiously.

“You know how the landscape is littered with castles and ruins. Big hulking grey structures that are intimidating and rough to the touch. You can’t really give them a hug, you know? But they’re all cushioned by this greenery and the biggest blue sky you can imagine. It’s like he never said the important or soft things, but the other things he would sometimes do softened him like the grassy hills around the stone. And just like the walls, you knew you could rely on him when things went badly. He'd never be warm, but he was sturdy and you could lean against him if you didn’t mind getting a little cold. And when mum was still with us, he was vibrant and sweet like the smell of new grass, or bracing like salty air blowing from the ocean. Every day with him felt like some great adventure.”

Sirius blinked at the man. He was some kind of poet. Had to be. Then it clicked.

“When your mum was…” Sirius began, “So, Lyall is your dad?”

The man nodded, suddenly seeming very small at the little consultation table. Without warning, the man sniffed, and Sirius saw those chocolaty depths begin to swim with tears. He reached to touch the man’s arm gently.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” Sirius said softly, quickly squeezing the jumper-clad shoulder.

The man closed his eyes, the tears spilling against his cheeks as he took a few breaths. Sirius scooted his chair closer so he was next to, not across from the taller man. His eyes opened and looked right into Sirius’s.

“I didn’t even know he had been sick,” he said, his voice cracking, “he got a cough that was complicated because he smoked and it turned into pneumonia.” He broke eye contact and looked down at the table in front of them.

“I hadn’t called him in forever,” he said eventually, “I thought he was indestructible,”

“Like those castle walls you were talking about,” Sirius finished for him.

“Yeah,” he looked at Sirius again, “I guess so.”

As Sirius squeezed his shoulder again, the man seemed to register where they were and how close they were sat. At the same time, Sirius took in the way the man’s lips seemed a darker shade of pink on the outline than they were in the middle. Sirius suddenly remembered what had happened the night before, dropping his hand from the stranger’s shoulder (was one really still a stranger when you knew that their father was like a Welsh castle?), and straightened up again.

“Well,” Sirius said, clearing his throat, “That gives me an unusual amount to work with really. You have no idea how difficult it is to get some people to give me details that translate to a bespoke floral arrangement.”

He looked up again to see the man raising his eyebrows bemusedly and continued to ramble.

“It’s all ‘my friend had a pink theme for her wedding so I really want to go with blue,’ or ‘Vouge says that purple is the wedding colour of the year!’ It’s horrendously boring. Anyway, please fill your details out here and I’ll work through a few sketches to send through to you by 3 ‘o clock this afternoon.”

He handed the man the pad and a pen, watching as he scribbled his details and then stood up, bracing on the back of the chair.

“Thank you for the early consult,” the man said quietly, handing back the stationary, “and for letting me cry in your flower shop before lunch.” He said the last part almost mumbled – like he was embarrassed.

Sirius chuckled, “Occupational hazard, I’m afraid,” he stopped and looked at the man again and continued softly, “I am very sorry for your loss, he sounds like an interesting man…” he looked down at the order, “Remus?”

“Er, thank you for saying that…” he paused waiting.

“My name is Sirius,” he supplied, sticking his pad under his arm and extending his hand to shake.

As the man took his hand, Sirius noticed his hands were surprisingly cold for an early summer day. Remus shook his hand and then turned to leave the store, his hand slipping out from Sirius’s. As he turned back to wave a last goodbye, Sirius couldn’t help but feel warm all over, even with the cold of Remus’s fingers still lingering in his palm.

Chapter 3: I bet you think about me.

Summary:

In which Sirius has a flashback, Remus has a bombshell dropped and they both do a bit of Pining.

TW: Medical system shenanigans of not taking people seriously, the parasitic nature of the wedding industry, and a bit of dark humor.

Sirius

-

After Remus left Sirius began his day in earnest.

He opened the door behind the counter that took him to his workshop and looked around it, making a note of things that needed ordering. It was not a fancy space, but it was functional. To the left of the room from the door there were the fridges for the completed arrangements, at the back of the room a metal shelving unit that held his tools, rolls of chicken wire, and crates of hay or pebbles, to the right was a small break space. In the middle of the room was his stainless-steel work surface - cleared for the day ahead. He turned back to the counter and picked up the cordless phone ready to call his supplier.

While the line wrang between Sirius’s shoulder and ear, he tentatively started to think about the consultation he just had – the flowers that is, not the interaction. Although there was certainly lots to think about from the conversation too. He deliberately pulled back from thinking about Remus’s sad, melting, captivating look as he described his father, choosing to focus on the words he had said.

“He wasn’t the sort of person to reveal a lot,” he had said.

“It’s like he never said the important or soft things, but the other things he would sometimes do softened him like the grassy hills around the stone.”

“…he was sturdy and you could lean against him if you didn’t mind getting a little cold.”

Shades of steel and stone and green and ice blue began to take shape in Sirius’ imagination and he jumped when the other line picked up. He completed the order and hung up the phone, reaching for his sketchbook. He jumped again as his mobile vibrated on the desk,

A new text from Mary.

Sirius’s stomach tightened.

His hand shook as he unlocked his screen and opened the notification.

-

I’m gonna tell Lily we broke up but I won’t say why. We’ll tell them together when you’re ready.

-

Sirius rubbed his hands hard over his face, feeling his eyes pricking with tears again.

She had always been too good for him. He had never deserved this graceful, kind woman.

He thought back to how their relationship had begun.

Sirius had met her through Lily, after bitching for too long about how the options at the firm were all shrews. He’d back-peddled quickly as Lily’s glare warned him that he’d fumbled.

“I don’t hold it against them that their career is their first love – it’s just that I’m surrounded by that all day. I want someone passionate about what they do, yeah, but at the firm, the women treat every disagreement over where to go for dinner like some case they’re trying to win. There’s no give and take or softness around the edges.”

Of course, then Sirius realized that they were meeting him with hard edges because he was a hard edge himself. He was always marching around the firm like the next case he worked on would show them all that he was worth taking seriously. Lily had told him in that gentle-but-direct Lily way that he saw himself in the women that worked with him because they were also insecure. They also felt like the partners were just biding their time, waiting for them to make a mistake so that they could be thrown out on their arses.

And then she’d set him up with Mary. And while Sirius worked on softening, Mary had shown him why being soft could be intoxicating. A nurse like Lily, she was no stranger to people doubting her abilities and underappreciating her, but she never let that poison her spirit. She was kind, she listened, and when they argued she never threw his mistakes in his face or insulted him to make a point.

In the lead-up to Lily and James’s wedding, Sirius had been tagging along to catering, venue, and florist appointments. As he’d sat silently through the consultations, he’d been horrified at the parasitic nature of the wedding industry. He took particular exception to the florist. Lily had wanted explosions of flowers at every table – call it cliché, but Lily LOVED flowers. The florist’s quote was almost comparable to the price of the honeymoon and his heart shattered when he saw Lily’s face drop. Lily’s family had not come from wealth but she had insisted on paying for half of the wedding. James would have sprung for the exploding flowers in less than a heartbeat, but he respected Lily too much to do it without her asking first.

“What if I did your flowers, Lil?” Sirius had blurted on the drive home, slouching in the backseat.

“What?” She had turned from the front passenger seat to stare at him with one brow raised.

“How hard can it be?” he shrugged, shifting up in his seat, “There’s a garden centre down the road – I’ll find a kind old lady there and plead ignorance, she’ll tell me what I need, and I’ll do your flowers,” he said shrugging again.

“Aww, mate – you’re finally embracing your soft-boy core, aren’t ya?” James had joked, winking in the review mirror.

Sirius had laughed with them, but when he’d seen Mary that night for dinner, he’d brought it up again. He expected her to laugh at him like Lil and James had, but she was all for it. Her eyes had sparkled and she’d leaned forward as she told him they could probably get him enrolled on a weekend course so he could do it properly. Over their meals and wine, they’d discussed when Sirius could put aside to work on the bouquets and what colours Lily had mentioned at the consultations. Sirius had dropped Mary off at her place feeling excited and determined. And when he went to work the next day, he struggled to think of anything other than those little roses that fill out bridal bouquets and Mary’s smile when she told him that he’d be wonderful at it.

He brought himself back to the present where he was still sitting at the counter staring at the text. He flicked through a response:

-

Thank you, can we try talk on Friday?

-

He locked his phone then and picked up his sketchbook. He began to draw the floral arrangements for Lyall Lupin’s funeral, his mind's eye swirling between Mary’s sparkling eyes, landscaped draped in green and grey, and freckles washed pink with sheepishness.

***
Remus

-

Remus was brooding.

He brooded to himself as he walked away from the florist, his palm tingling from Sirius’s skin.

He brooded while he made his way back to his house.

And he continued to brood as he sat back at his kitchen table and reached for his laptop again.

He was trying to figure out why he had gone back into the store.

Scratch that, he KNEW why he had gone back in.

He was a human being, and that self-deprecating remark had piqued him.

"Are the flowers really that off-putting, or is it just me?" he had drawled like he knew how good he sounded. And then Remus had turned back and seen the uncertainty in the lift at the corner of the man’s lips.

The man looked TIRED and more than just a little sad.

He was also beautiful.

He had the kind of features that make the most compelling shadows. His jaw had been sharp and strong, but also fine. The line of his neck had gone on for days and Remus noted that he hadn’t bothered to shave this morning either. He had high cheekbones that cast the faintest shadow underneath the bone, not gaunt looking, but aristocratic. Even the shadows under his eyes seemed painted. And then there were the eyes – They were so icy blue that they were almost silver.

The man was so full of contrasting colours and angles. And then there was the expression again – vulnerable, but like he was trying to hide it. Well, Remus knew all about that, and so he walked forward, reminding himself that even if he was painted by some kind of god, he had still cut the line so he couldn’t that good.

And he’d been wrong.

Remus sat with his open laptop staring at him. He stared back, thinking about the consultation. It was the first time he had spoken about his father’s death out loud. He shut his eyes tightly as he remembered, mortified, that he had cried. And this impolite, leather-clad, beautiful fucker had given him more comfort with just a hand on his shoulder than Benji had done with this er… spirited intimacies.

Sirius’s hand had been warm. Grounding. And Remus had panicked. Luckily (and embarrassingly), Sirius seemed to cotton on quickly to Remus’s discomfort and they wrapped up the appointment quickly after that.

But the interaction had unsettled him.

Remus got up to put a pot of tea on and extract a bar of 70% salted dark chocolate from his pantry. He methodically broke off a few pieces, placed them on a little tea plate, made his cup, and sat down again, determined to get things organized. It was 10 o’clock now and Remus wanted this taken care of by lunch.

At 13.30, Remus finally sent off the last email organizing the catering for Friday, ran his hand over his face, and closed his laptop screen a little harder than it warranted. He stood up and went to the fridge, opening it to see what was easiest to heat up and eat. He settled for his leftovers from lunch the day before, heated up the rest of his pumpkin soup, and toasted some bread to have with it.

He finished eating and was walking to the sink with his dishes when the quiet was interrupted by his mobile ringing from where it sat next to his laptop.

Remus hurried over, plonking his plate down in the basin first, and tapped the green icon on the screen.

“Regulus, hi – is everything alright?” Remus asked sitting back in his seat.

“From what I hear that question should be directed your way – HR mentioned you have had a bereavement.” He heard the drawl on the other end.

“For a group of people that are supposed to be concerned with confidentiality, they sure have big mouths” Remus bristled.

Regulus chuckled.

“Woah now, they only told me because I came looking for you regarding the last anonymous column. The legals want to look into it more – concerned that anonymity is making the writer “embellish” his experiences somewhat. Apparently there’s some pressure from hospitals to temper it somewhat – it’s making people “too bold” with what they’re demanding from Healthcare – but that’s not important now. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Remus reeled at the bombshell that Regulus had just dropped.

“Erm, thank you, but what do you mean pressure from the hospitals? Shouldn’t they have a vested interest in making sure patients are informed and get the best care possible?”

“Well, in theory, yes. In practice, they’re complaining that they’re already short-staffed and they can’t afford the extra man-power to treat all the patients that are adamant they have Lupis or suffer from clusters when the statistics show that these people don’t feature highly enough in the demographic to warrant specialized training in GP’s and emergency rooms.”

“I’m sorry, what????” Remus breathed, feeling like someone had dropped a large rock in his stomach.

“This is not why I called Remus,” said Regulus sounding harassed and softer now – abandoning the lawyer speak. “I want to know if you’re alright?”

“Oh. Well, I guess I’m not brilliant,” Remus said quietly, still processing what Regulus had said.

“Hm, that’s Remus for I’m shit, but I’m also going to hole myself away so no one can help me…” Regulus said, sounding exasperated. “I won’t push you, but let me know if you need anything,” he continued, “And I know you’re going to obsess about the column – it’s your baby and I know you want to protect the writer,” Remus swore he heard a knowing lilt to Regulus’s tone and felt alarm shoot up his spine.

“The writers’ anonymity is very important to them, Regulus,” Remus said firmly.

“I know,” Regulus replied softer again, “I’m gonna fight your corner. I promise. It’s too important not to keep in the mag.” Remus blinked in surprise – why would Regulus want to help?

“Thank you.” said Remus in a small voice – suddenly exhausted again.

“Don’t mention it,” he replied, “just take care, yeah? I’ll see you Monday.” The line clicked. The call ended.

Remus stared at the phone. Just then, an email notification popped up from a Sirius Black, Subject line: Let me know what you think.

Remus opened his laptop again, not wanting to squint at his phone for the images.

There were 3 attachments to the email.

The first was a kind of power-point vision board showing the mood, and colours of the arrangements. Remus wondered to himself if this was normally how florists go about their craft. He resolved to ask at some point.

The second attachment was a few different sketches. Remus had put on the form that he was after 4 arrangements overall – three for the service, and one for the repast, to sit behind the catering. The email said that Sirius preferred not to replicate arrangements, opting for a theme and making slightly different arrangements that reflect it. the sketches were good – Sirius could clearly draw and though they were rough and the colours were indicated with pencil scrawl and arrows, they gave a good enough impression of the overall effect.

The third was a quote for the job, with materials meticulously listed and the price per hour clearly indicated. Remus was surprised. After seeing the sketches and the arrangements in the shop earlier, Remus had been expecting a bill to make his eyes water. Instead, he found a reasonable figure that seemed to reflect the materials and the time reasonably. He blinked.

Under the total, there was an Asterix note reading “Please contact Black Rose Florists if this price does not meet your budgetary requirements.”

Did that mean that the price could be further negotiated down? Remus raised his eyebrows, deciding to let the queue cutting go once and for all. He pulled his laptop towards him where he sat, typing out a response:

-

Hi Sirius,

Will I find a small sweatshop in your workshop area if I come and inspect? This price is far too reasonable for anyone to be making a decent profit from the labour that is reflected in these sketches and your shop.

Also, they’re perfect, thank you for getting them to me so quickly. How does the rest of the process go?

-Remus (the guy who cried in your flower gallery before you’d even finished your coffee)

P.s. Please give the children some water, their tear marks are clearly visible on the pages.

-

He sent it off and immediately regretted it. What would Sirius think about his dark humour? Would he think it was distasteful? It probably was distasteful.

Not to mention that what was ACTUALLY visible in the image of the sketches was the side of a white hand, spattered with a delicate constellation tattoo, tendons visible, and the fingers decked in two or three silver rings. The hand was holding the page steady as the image had been taken, clearly a picture taken on a camera phone. Remus shook his head and stood, shoving his laptop under his arm as he marched to his bedroom. He had been conscious for far too long today – he needed a break from it for a few hours.

The laptop was plunked on his dresser and he buried himself in his still unmade bed, closing his eyes and trying not to picture that white, tattooed hand doing other things.

Notes:

Thank you to the lovely people who have left comments and Kudos <3
Please let me know if I've missed any warnings - I know that nightmare odyssey's through the medical world can be quite triggering, but that was always going to be a feature of this fic. I've updated the tags to show there's medical stuff too.

Chapter 4: And I miss the way you made me feel

Summary:

Some emails, an impromptu trip and an unlikely meeting.

No TW's I can think of unless you are upset by meat-eating. No euphemism intended.

Remus

-
Email Notification: Sirius Black
-

Remus,

I’ll have you know that my minions out back are very well compensated. They get showers once a week and I pay them exclusively with chocolate.

I’m glad you like the sketches. From here, I spend the next few hours sourcing what I need to make the bouquets and then I can send you some progress pictures as I go about making them to ensure you’re still happy. What are the details for the funeral on Friday? I’ll need at least an hour before to finish assembling them – a little more if you can swing it.

-Sirius

P.s. Please don’t apologise for grieving, the coffee was nothing to write home about anyway.

-

Remus read the email twice, then tapped out a response from where he still lay tucked up in his duvet.

-

Sirius,

Well, chocolate does fulfill the only food groups that really matter so I guess they can’t complain too much. Do they also have green hair and orange skin and sing sinister songs about the downfalls of childish pride on cue?

That all sounds great. The funeral is taking place at 11am at St. Minerva’s over on Hogsmead street. The deacon said I could have the church and adjoining hall from 9am to set up so I’m sure we could manage that.

Where do you source your flowers from anyway? Never mind actually. I’m sure it’s a trade secret and if you told me, then you’d have to kill me.

Do you want payment before or after the job? And do you accept bank transfers or do you prefer a cheque?

-Remus

P.s. I believe Dorcas is aware of the thoroughly average nature of the coffee at the cart. You should try their pastries though. The cranberry and macadamia scone I had this morning may be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

-

Remus sent off the email and untangled himself from his duvet and glanced at the time on his phone – 15.30 – it was well past time to get up and figure out his next steps. There was nothing really to do now. All the arrangements had been made, but he still had the whole of Thursday to dread. The team at Jargon wouldn’t send him work. He’d checked in a few hours ago to meet insistent refusals when he’d asked for updates. He was sure it was Regulus’s doing. That skinny, black haired ponce could be surprisingly terrifying when he was getting things done. Maybe he should invite him to the funeral on Friday? Or maybe not. He didn’t want to impose, and Regulus would have to take time off to come anyway. He’d probably want to use the time for something else. Remus shelved the thought for later and tried to bring his mind back to what to do tomorrow.

His conversation with Sirius this morning in the consultation came back to him. He realized with a shock that he’d not been back to Wales since his mother had passed and his dad had moved them to England for Remus’s treatment. Maybe a day trip was in order. Not that he’d be able to get very far with just the day, but if he left in an hour and caught the late train to Cardiff, then he could spend the night in a motel and do a bit of remembering on Thursday.

Before he’d even made up his mind officially, Remus was pulling an overnight bag out of his wardrobe and stuffing a change of clothes and some flannel bottoms into it. He considered packing his laptop but thought better of it – thinking it would just make him feel guilty for taking leave. He sat back on the bed and looked up the train times and ticket prices. It was more than he’d usually justify spending on an impromptu trip, but Remus figured if there was a time to splurge then it was the week of your father’s passing. He booked the 17:00 train and a motel on the outskirts of town and called a cab to the station.

***

Sirius

-
Sirius smiled at the email Remus had sent back, huffing a laugh at the image of his nonexistent green-haired minions snapping their fingers rhythmically as they moved menacingly towards him any time he popped his gum too loudly.

He was in the middle of composing a response when the speaker above him announced his train was departing in 5 minutes. He boarded his train to Cardiff, cooler box in one hand and overnight bag in the other. The 16:00 train wasn’t as full as he’d expected, but he supposed commuters would be later and very few people were taking a casual jaunt to Wales on a Wednesday. He sat down in time for the train to move off, jostling him slightly. Unlocking his phone, he finished his reply to Remus just in time to go into a tunnel and lose signal. He got the “not delivered” message and shrugged, resolving to send it when wifi was guaranteed again.

-

An hour and a half later, Sirius’s train pulled up to Cardiff station. He was jolted out of his thoughts when the car stopped and he turned from the window to get on his feet. He hadn’t noticed the hour and a half passing, engrossed as he was in his own thoughts. He had run through every possibility of how the future conversation with James might go. Imagined what Friday night might be like when he and Mary didn’t arrive or leave together. Then, as he began to work himself up into a frenzy, Sirius had imagined what it might be like to introduce someone new to the group.

Now that he was at his destination, however, he returned his mind to the task at hand. He found a cab to the rental car provider and picked up the hybrid he’d need to get to some green spaces for the Native welsh foliage he was collecting for Lyall Lupin’s flowers. He sat in the vehicle and pulled out his mobile, inputting the address of the motel he was staying at that night, noticing a few fast-food places on the way there. He debated for a few minutes before settling on a ribs and burger joint at the halfway point between where he was and where he’d end up. He only got confused and took the wrong turn one (alright three times) before he made it to the joint.

It was around the time that Sirius was standing in the takeaway joint that he realized he’d not eaten since his sub-par coffee when he got to the shop that morning. Deciding that what he didn’t eat tonight he could have for breakfast, lunch and probably dinner the next night, he ordered a cheeseburger with fries, a half rack of ribs, half a chicken, a handful of sides, and a milkshake to keep him going until he got to the hotel.
The wait for the food was long, but the smells the kitchen was making – evident even from where Sirius was sat in the waiting area – was heavenly enough to guarantee it would be worth the wait. After almost half an hour of waiting, Sirius took custody of the bulging sack of delicious-smelling food and headed to his rental.

By the time he finally pulled up to his motel, it was nearly 19.30 and he was starved. He checked in and then went directly to his room, fishing out of the motel cupboard a plate and some cutlery, and hurried back down to the little outdoor seating area he had seen on his way in. It was a breezy and clear evening and after an emotional night before, a full day in the shop, a long train trip, and the hassle of getting to the hotel, Sirius decided that he’d like to see the sunset.

***

Remus

-
Remus was finally at his motel. And all it had taken was the most indulgent cab trip from the station, but he had figured it was worth getting there before the sun began to set. After he checked himself in and settled himself in his room, he fancied taking a look at the food fare the motel offered, venturing down to the ground floor to have a gander.

Just as he was rounding a corner though, Remus spotted some outdoor seating in a prime spot to enjoy the admittedly lovely evening. As he resolved to go back there with his meal and turned back, he did a double take and stared.

Sirius Black was sitting at an outdoor picnic table in a motel on the edges of Cardiff, not even eleven hours since he had met him for the first time. It was like Remus had summoned him from his imagination.

He had tried not to police his thoughts while he was on the train. He liked to think of trains as meditative spaces, where what you thought didn’t have to follow you when you got off at your destination. They were like processing points like the shower. The water carried away your shower thoughts in the same way the train took your train thoughts away with it when it left you at your station. That had not happened this time though.

In the train, all Remus had been thinking of, was why Sirius had not replied yet to his email. It was silly really – it wasn’t like it had been that long or even like there had been a long chain of them before the lack of reply came through - or didn’t as it were. Remus had talked himself out of that corner by insisting to himself that he just wanted to know when to pay Sirius for his services. It was good business practice to pay people on time.

Eventually though, around the hour marker of the trip, Remus had to admit it was more about the banter. In just a few emails, there had been the seeds of some truly excellent banter. And it had given him a reason to smile in an otherwise miserable week. Just as he had made his way down to the restaurant, Remus had wondered to himself if Sirius had been put off by the Oompa-Loompa remark – Remus had no idea how old Sirius was, maybe he didn’t get the reference?

And then there he was, sipping from a milkshake cup and staring off into the prettily colouring clouds.

Unsure that he wasn’t imagining things, Remus opened the French doors out to the seating area and made his way to the table Sirius was seated at.

“Erm. Are you stalking me, or did you just fancy a trip to Wales to watch the sunset?” he heard himself ask, pleased with the nonchalant tone he’d adopted.

He watched Sirius freeze and turn around to look at him before his eyebrows shot into his hairline and he inhaled a gulp of milkshake and choked.

Notes:

This chapter will be the 2nd to last for this weekend. I had a lot of free time to smash out a nice chunk to throw out into the world, but sadly real like now gallops apace towards me.

I want to try and post every weekend, but I'm hesitant to commit to a schedule. I'll probably post the next batch in one go next time instead of posting them as I finish them like I did this time around.

It's so lovely that a few people have found my little story and are reading it - it makes my heart very happy. Thank you to the lovely readers, Kudos leavers, bookmark makers and commenters <3

Chapter 5: Have I known you twenty seconds, or twenty years?

Summary:

Sirius has a near-death experience involving a peanut-butter milkshake, Remus gets flustered and the lads make a plan

TW: everyday chronic illness-related inconveniences.

Sirius
-
Sirius was dying.

He coughed out the chunks of peanut butter that had just taken the express route into his lungs and tried (and failed) to take a breath.

He continued to cough, and even in the panic-induced state that choking brought on he thought mildly to himself that his obituary would at least be amusing.

He could see it now: Sirius Black – Met his demise at the hands of a Salted Peanut Butter Milkshake. He also arranged flowers.

As he continued to hack up the milkshake, he felt a hand thumping him firmly on his back.

“Jesus…” *cough cough* “Fucking…” *cough* “Christ!”

*cough, cough, cough, cough*

*cough* “Did you..” *wheeze* “Materialise out of a fucking fairy circle?!” *wheeze”

He looked up to find Remus looking down at him with a sheepish, concerned expression as he continued to thump his back until he stopped coughing.

“I’m sorry,” Remus offered, a curiously amused lilt to his concern, “are you, alright? I can get you a glass of water?” He made moves to get up from where he had crouched by Sirius’s doubled-up form, gesturing towards the French doors he must have just come through.

“No, no,” Sirius responded, finally catching his breath and waving away the offer, “I’m fine now, thanks.”

The thumping stopped and was replaced by soothing circles over the back of his t-shirt. Sirius looked up again.

The silence grew awkward as their eyes met properly and Remus’s hand stilled. Neither broke the contact, but the awkwardness morphed into something else. Like a log cracking in a fireplace, giving off sparks.

The sound of a family arriving on the other side of the hedge between them and the entrance to the motel jolted them to awareness and Remus’s hand slipped from Sirius’s back. As he got to his feet, wincing and sat down across from him at the table. He cleared his throat.

“So – what brings you to Wales this evening?” Remus prompted, taking in the veritable feast in front of Sirius, “Did you hold up a steak house?” asked raising an eyebrow.

Sirius chuckled, “No, no I paid for the mistake of ordering with my eyes not my stomach,” he said looking from Remus’s face to the food in front of him.

“As for the other question,” he continued, “Like I said in my email, I’m sourcing foliage for your dad’s arrangements.”

Remus looked confused.

“The last email I got from you was at around 3.30, and then I made some terrible joke in my reply about Oompa-Loompas and I assumed you gave me up as a lost cause…” he said uncertainly.

Sirius blinked. He suddenly remembered that he had never resent the email to Remus when he had signal. He explained to Remus about the train and the spotty wifi and watched an undoubtedly pleased expression begin to creep into his features.

“Ah, so it’s the wifi’s fault, not my chocolate-related humor?” he asked, the corner of his lip quirking upwards.

“Unequivocally,” Sirius said, fishing his mobile out of his pocket and finally flicking through the email. “There – a few hours late, but here’s my response.”

Remus checked that the notification had come through and then returned his mobile to his pocket without opening it.

“Thank you,” he began looking at Sirius again.

Sirius spoke to prevent Remus from getting up and running away, pushing a takeaway container toward Remus.

“And what brings you to Wales on a Wednesday, aside from to help me with the feast I ordered out of fear of imminent starvation?”

Remus’s face fell slightly and Sirius immediately felt like an idiot.

“Well, I’ve not been back since we moved to England when I was ten… Seemed as good a time as any given that I’m on leave and have a tendency to go mad in my house by myself.”

Sirius was an idiot.

“I should have guessed, I’m sorry.” He said, glancing down at his food and picking up a fry for something to do.

“Don’t be sorry,” Remus said, also picking up a fry and dipping it into the rib sauce absently, “It was a nice surprise to see you here.” He seemed to realize what he had said and blushed furiously. Sirius thought it looked lovely.

“I mean… I wasn’t expecting…” Remus stuttered, flustered, “I’d expected to be alone… Not that you’re here for me…” Remus kept spluttering, going beetroot red, and Sirius decided to save him.

“Well, I kinda am, if you think about it,” he said feigning an air of relaxation that his heart rate did not reflect.

“I’m here to gather foliage for your dad’s funeral arrangement,” he shrugged, continuing, “and if you like, you can show me the best places to do that?”

Remus was silent for a beat, and Sirius wondered if he’d just fucked it up.

“I’d like that actually,” Remus said almost inaudibly.

“Okay,” Sirius said, straightening his back and dusting his hands off on his jeans.

“Does an early start work for you?” he asked, all business. “I need to be back in London around lunch to have the afternoon to assemble the arrangements. The flower delivery is coming in at 2pm so I had planned to train back at 12.”

“I can do early,” Remus said nodding, “Although I don’t have a car –“

“I have a rental here,” Sirius interrupted, “the sun rises at 4.30, shall we say we’ll meet up at 5am in the motel lobby?

“Yes.” Remus smiled

“Good.” Sirius responded with his own.

Another beat.

“Now are you actually going to help me eat all of this, or are we just gonna see how many of Wales's insects it will take to carry off half a chicken?” Sirius clapped his hands, looking down at the meal like it was a challenge he was here to confront.

Remus laughed a deep musical chuckle.

“I think I can help you there. Wait a moment, I’ll go get a plate and some cutlery. Can I get you a drink while I’m up, given you lost half of yours shortly after I arrived?”

Sirius Barked out a laugh in surprise.

“That would be amazing, I’ll have whatever you’re having.”

***

Remus

-
After Remus came back with a plate and some crockery under one arm while he carried two pints over to the table Sirius was still sat at, the conversation continued.

They talked about the shop and how someone like Sirius became a florist. Remus learned that it started as a hobby he took up to help his friends save some money on their wedding, and it had blossomed (Sirius’s pun, not Remus’s) into his full-blown passion. He talked about how he’d made relationships with vendors, all equally as skeptical as Remus had initially been to learn that the man with more leather than he had socks and more tattoos than he had blank skin wanted to work with briar roses and peace lilies. As the sun began to set, Remus told Sirius about the Jargon, and how proud he was of it as a publication.

When Remus had talked about the mag, Sirius had grabbed his arm, stopping him and saying “Not the magazine with that column about chronic illness?!”

Remus had felt himself blush as he nodded, but Sirius didn’t seem to notice as he continued, “My girlfriend reads that column obsessively. She says it’s given her so much more to work with when she treats people with long term issues. She and my best mate’s wife, Lily – who I did the flowers for?- Well they spend hours talking about it, referencing the things the writer brings up, and cross-referencing it with journal articles to better understand from a health professional’s perspective. Fuck. The stuff that bloke – I assumed it was a bloke, but I suppose it could be a woman – has had to go through just to get treated! It’s enough to make the blood boil. Mary was saying…”

His voice had died off after mentioning his girlfriend’s name, and Remus felt his stomach clench in disappointment for a second time at the mention of Sirius’s straight relationship.

“Mary was saying what?” Remus said, bravely pushing aside his hopes that Sirius had been queer aside since it seemed like Sirius was in distress.

“Nothing,” Sirius said, now with markedly less enthusiasm than he had before.

He looked up at Remus and took a breath.

“Mary broke up with me last night,” he said with a shrug.

Remus remembered the dark circles under Sirius’s eyes this morning in the shop and the uncertainty as he’d asked if he was the reason Remus had turned to leave.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said genuinely. “Had you been together long?”

“Yeah,” Sirius responded blankly, “Three years a couple months ago.”

Remus nodded sympathetically.

“Shall we move to the bar?” Sirius asked suddenly bright again, though Remus suspected it was a little put on.

“Sure, one more drink sounds good,” Remus replied, dusting off his trousers and standing.

They moved to the bar and Remus immediately missed the way the sky had coloured Sirius’s features with amber light.

They talked for a little while longer over another pint, but just as Remus threw back the dregs of his glass he saw Sirius give a jaw-cracking yawn.

“Right,” he said, sounding sleepy, “early morning tomorrow, so we best to get to bed.”

Remus privately thought that sounded like an excellent idea but he knew Sirius was referring to their respective beds in their respective rooms.

“Where about’s are you placed here?” Remus asked digging his key out his pocket and squinting at the room number.

“I’m on the second floor.” Sirius said, mimicking Remus.

“I am too,” Remus said with raised brows.

“Well, off we go then,” Sirius said, hopping off his stool and heading towards the stairs.

As Remus followed, getting to the bottom of the stairs, he found that Sirius was waiting for him at the top, looking down at him as he scaled the flight at a slower pace than normal. It had been a long day and he was achy. At the halfway mark he saw a shadow of concern flutter over Sirius’s brow before he politely looked towards the hallway so Remus could catch up. Sirius really was more polite than he initially gave off it turned out. He proved this as soon as Remus got to the top of the stairs, breathing heavily, and Sirius raised his eyebrows at him minutely as if to say “need a moment?” Remus leaned against the wall briefly as Sirius busied himself looking at his key again. When Remus pushed off the wall and started down the hall, Sirius just followed without a word.

The universe definitely had a sense of humour.

They stood at their respective doors and simultaneously broke into laughter.

“What are the odds,” Sirius wheezed as he threw his head back, “That in addition to booking the same motel, we’d end up with rooms opposite each other?” he said running his hand through his hair and rolling his eyes like it was some kind of joke.

“I really don’t know,” Remus laughed in return, shaking his head.

“I suppose it will make the rendezvous that much simpler,” Sirius said, and Remus coughed in surprise.

“IMeanTheOneTomorrowMorning,” he returned, taking his turn at blushing scarlet.

Interesting.

Sirius covered his face with his hand and muttered into his palm, “Fuck I need to sleep.”

“Go to sleep then,” Remus said with an amused smile, “I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow.”

Remus turned away to his door, fumbling slightly with the key, and turning back to look at Sirius still stood looking at him by his closed door, his hand at the back of his neck under his long black hair.

“Good night, Remus.” Sirius said softly, still looking.

“G’night, Sirius.” Returned Remus, shutting the door and shutting out Sirius’s gaze.

He leaned back against the wood facing his room, trying to hear what was happening on the other side. He imagined he heard shuffling for a few seconds, then a sound like someone putting a hand on the door handle and then stopping. Heard a huff and then finally, Remus heard the door to Sirius’s room open and shut.

Still leaning on the door, and reaching into his back pocket, Remus pulled out his phone again, doing what he’d been dying to do since Sirius had casually resent the email that Remus had obsessed over since he had got onto the train earlier.
-
Remus,

They only do it nowadays when I cut off sweet men in Jumpers in the line at coffee carts.

I can be at St. Minerva’s at 9 – that gives me and my assistant Marline plenty of time to get the displays right.

If you keep it our secret I’m sure I won’t have to take out a hit on you. Yet.

I have a regular supplier that sends me ready-blooming flowers for occasions like this, but I also go into the field to collect stalks of leaves and fronds for some of the less conventional pieces. That’s what I’ll be doing for your dad. I’m popping through to Wales tonight to do some foraging for greenery – anywhere you’d recommend while I’m there?

And don’t worry about the bill just yet, I’ll invoice you after the service – any method of payment is fine. Just don’t give me the amount in 1p pieces otherwise I will actually take that hit out.

-Sirius

P.s. Dorcas, is it? How is it I only met you for the first time today if you’re around the complex often enough to know her name? I’ll have to let you know if the scones are as special as you say. I’m sure they are – you seem like you’d know.

Notes:

Last one for this weekend.

Once again, thanks for reading, leaving Kudos, bookmarking and commenting xxx

Chapter 6: The things that I lost here, the people I knew, they got me surrounded for a mile or two

Summary:

In which the lads go on a mission and Remus talks about his dad. There are also blueberry muffins.

TW: emotional neglect and general shitty parental relationships. Also chronic illness.

I've been working from a diagnosis of Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis turned into something like Rheumatoid Arthritis for Remus's illness but I'm also leaning heavily into the understanding that no 1 persons illness is the same as the other and that chronic illness is often difficult to nail down and box into a category so not everything fits nicely into a diagnosis or treatment.

The next three chapters are on the rough side - mostly reflective but still some rough themes. Please let me know if you'd prefer a summary in the notes so you can see if the content will trigger you.

Notes:

Some switching up of the POV standard I've set in the last few chapters. We'll be back to that standard after this one and the two that follow.

Remus

-

Remus woke up on Thursday morning to his phone buzzing. It was 5am and he’d set the alarm so he could have a quick rinse before stuffing what he needed for the morning into a satchel to meet Sirius on the way to the Lobby.

He did not meet Sirius on the way down though and found himself standing in the lobby rubbing his eyes at 5.35 wondering if he’d just been stood up by a florist. Remus had realised he didn’t even have Sirius’s mobile number to call him when Sirius flew into the hotel entrance carrying a takeaway bag and two paper cups.

“Shit,” He huffed as he walked over to a bemused Remus, holding out a cup to him. “Sorry I kept you waiting. I thought I could nip to a gas station quickly to get us a cuppa before we headed out and then I could be waiting charmingly with a cup for you as you descended the stairs but there were no gas stations between the motel and town so I had to drive further to find one because I’d look a right shit-head arriving late and empty handed-“

“Good morning to you too, Sirius.” Interrupted Remus, sleepily chuckling and taking a sip of his drink.

Sirius stopped and smiled. “Too much for 5.30 am?”

“I’ll catch up, I promise.” Remus winked and Sirius’s smile grew.

“I hope so – you’re navigating!” Sirius winked back and turned towards the doors again, beckoning Remus over his shoulder.

As Remus crunched over the gravel drive to the black (of course) hybrid that had chirped in response to Sirius pointing the car remote at, he considered where best to start.

“So, what type of foliage are you hoping to gather? There’s a nice coastal town not too far away?” Remus got into the passenger seat and put his cup in one of the middle cup-holders and his satchel on the floor.

“That sounds ideal,” Sirius nodded “Some sea grass and brush are definitely on my list – if I stop abruptly next to the road though, don’t be alarmed – I have also been known to dive into ditches for the odd wildflower or foliage of a particular shade of green.” He turned and Smirked at Remus as he backed out his park and spun the wheel to drive out of the yard. Remus gave Sirius some initial directions as he put his seat belt on.

Remus took possession of the takeaway bag and stuck his nose into it. The intoxicating scent of blueberry and lemon wafted out of the brown bag and he fished out a muffin and offered it to Sirius.

“Hmmm,” Sirius hummed in thanks, leaning down and fucking grabbing the muffin between his teeth until he had a hand free to hold it steady while he took a bite. “There’s another in there for you too,” he said, his mouth full as he nodded to the bag sitting forgotten on Remus’s lap. He gulped. Then cleared his throat. “Thank you,” he said, hoping it didn’t sound as strangled as it felt. “And for the coffee – I’m not kidding when I say I might have died otherwise,” he continued, sounding steadier now that he could no longer feel the heat of Sirius’s breath on his fingers.

“Well, we couldn’t have had that,” Sirius said looking at him quickly with another smirk. “You’re welcome – I didn’t know how you take it so I opted for plain filter with milk – there are some sugar sachets in the bag too if you want.”

Remus fished out a sachet and added it to his cup, using a swizzle stick to dissolve the granules in the brew.

Sirius broke the brief silence.

“So how is it with everything today?” He asked quietly.

Remus knew he was talking about his dad.

“It’s alright. Better than yesterday. But only a little,” he said nodding slightly as he sipped his coffee. “At the intersection, you want to take the south exit,” He said pointing briefly. Sirius made a noise signaling he understood and made all the appropriate steps to be in the correct lane.

“I guess today feels a bit like my own private memorial to him?” Remus continued.

Sirius stayed quiet, just nodding for him to go on.

“The little town we’re going past on the way to where we’re going is where we used to go for day trips to see my grandparents,” he continued. “And on holidays we’d go camping by the beach in Lavernock – that’s where you’ll find all your brush and grass.” He said looking at Sirius who nodded.

“I guess I want to be reminded of my dad in happier times,” he said quieter now. “When we still did things that they put in all the lifetime movies and fathers-day ads.”

Sirius looked at him and frowned in question and Remus continued, half surprised he was telling this man he’d known for under 24 hours about his deeply conflicted feeling about his dead dad.

“He changed after my mum died,” Sirius made a sympathetic noise, “He became-“

“Like a stone wall?” Sirius offered tentatively.

Remus looked at him and smiled humourlessly.

“Yeah…” He agreed thinking about the two versions of his dad he’d had in his life.

He took another sip of his coffee and leaned his head against the seat.

“It didn’t help that soon after mum after I started getting sick,” He said tiredly shutting his eyes.

“It started one morning when I was about nine and a half,” he said in a considering tone. “Started off with a limp and a pain in my knee I couldn’t shake, and then I had a fever and skin rash off and on for around 6 months until dad finally gave in and took me to the doctor.”

He turned to look at Sirius as he drove, and then glanced forward to the road. “Juvenile idiopathic arthritis,” he said wryly.
“Took forever to diagnose,” he continued. “Dad moved us to London to try to get me treated properly. Took on extra shifts to pay for specialist care and hyperbaric therapy when the extent of the joint damage became apparent. I never knew if he was going to be around at home unless I had an appointment booked,” he went on, “I’d stay awake in bed in the dark, waiting to hear the footsteps in our hallway. Then he’d make his way to my bedroom door and pause before telling me to ‘go to sleep’ before he went into his room and shut it behind him. Sometimes that’s all he’d say to me the whole day. He’d be gone before I woke up to get myself ready for school.”

Remus heard his voice get smaller, “He never said it, but I know that there was the before – when we lived in Wales and when mum was around and we’d spend the summer days floating in the water or reading on the couch – and then there was the after. When he had no mum, no Wales in the summer, and a son he resented and hardly recognised because he was so sick.” He was whispering by the end.

Sirius pulled into a gas station on the outskirts of the town they were passing through. He put the car in park and turned to Remus.

“We grew even further apart when I went to uni,” he whispered. “I took myself to my appointments and filled my prescriptions, and he never called me first. I was always the one who had to call him when I had a flare-up and couldn’t get up, or when I wanted to have a beer and watch the cricket. And when we had that beer he’d just sit staring off, making the odd noise so I’d know he hadn’t actually turned to stone but not enough to convince me he was actually listening.” He sniffed as his eyes filled.

“I think, in the end, I reminded him of what he had lost just enough to make it painful, and not enough to be any kind of comfort, and it ruined us.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Remus,” Sirius said in a kind but firm voice.

Remus thought that if that voice told him that the sky was down and the ground was up, he’d walk upside down with complete confidence. He shut his eyes as the tears that threatened to spill as he spoke finally made their way down his cheeks.

He heard Sirius’s seatbelt unbuckle and then the driver’s side door opened and closed. Then the passenger door opened and Remus felt his seatbelt unbuckle and hands turn him bodily to face the door, still seated. His feet hit the cement of the parking lot and Remus opened his eyes to find Sirius crouching down to him between his open knees. Sirius took him by the shoulders and looked into his eyes, the silvery-blue depths piercing into him like a probe.

“Listen to me,” Sirius said, shaking him gently, “You didn’t get sick on purpose. You are not the reason your mother died. You can’t help that the doctors in London get more funding, or that the disease you got as a child threatened your development. You can’t help that public healthcare isn’t set up to look after high-needs people or that private healthcare requires you to sell your soul for the care you need to function properly.”

He took a deep breath and kept going, “It’s not your fault that your dad didn’t take your mum’s passing well, or that it changed your relationship,” he said more gently, hands releasing Remus’s shoulders and sliding down his biceps to rest at his elbows. “He was the dad, Remus. He was supposed to put your needs first,” Sirius’s voice cracked there, but he moved past it. “It was on him to look after you and he never should have let you feel like you were some kind of burden on him.” He said firmly again, “Making sure you were taken care of is the bare minimum, Remus, he doesn’t get a free pass because he was grieving and overworked to forget to show you that half of your family was still alive.”

Remus was sobbing now in earnest, his head dipping forward into the junction of Sirius’s neck and shoulder. Sirius paused for a second and then his hands dropped from Remus’s elbows and slid around his back. He held Remus like that until his shoulders stopped shaking with sobs and he lifted his head from Sirius to find their faces very close. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Sirius’s. It felt immeasurably intimate. After a minute, Sirius tapped his arm gently.

“I’m gonna get us some napkins from the servo,” he said gently, pulling away from Remus. Remus straightened up too and nodded gratefully, swinging his long legs back into the car and turning towards the dash.

Through the window to his left, he watched in the side mirrors as Sirius stepped inside the automatic doors and then a minute or so later, jogged back out towards the car. He handed a wad of napkins to Remus as he slid into the driver’s seat and smiled kindly, starting the car up.

Their silence was companionable for a few minutes while Remus cleaned himself up with the help of the napkins until Sirius cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Do you mind if I ask a question?” He asked tentatively, his eyes not leaving the road.

“Of course, go ahead,” Remus said raising his eyebrows curiously.

“Are you still sick?” Sirius glanced at him quickly like he was scared Remus be angry.

Remus breathed in deeply.

“JIA causes long-term damage to the joints and most adults who had it continue to have flare-ups, pain, and eye problems. Most kids grow out of it, but I still have a kind of Rheumatoid Arthritis – or the treatment is similar even if it’s not what the doctors say. They talk about my symptoms like they’re lingering complications from my childhood – which I guess they are. But it – I don’t know, seems to minimize it to me?”

Sirius hummed in understanding.

“When I was a kid, the doctors were so invested in treatment and trying to minimise future damage, but now that I’m living with that damage it feels more like I’m an inconvenience. Like because there’s no end-date to where I could grow out of it or get better it’s too much of a hassle to treat me.”

Remus finished, taking a deep breath; “I’m in pain a lot. JIA also causes your bones to grow out of whack – they think we managed to prevent that for the most part with the Hyperbaric treatment, but my right left is still slightly shorter than my left which does a number on my knees and hips.”

Out the corner of his eye, Remus saw Sirius nodding thoughtfully.

“The stairs last night…” Sirius began quietly.

“My symptoms are worsened in periods of high stress and lack of sleep,” Remus turned to Sirius and met his eye with a wry smile, “turns out that the death of a parent causes both.”

Sirius, huffed an unamused laugh.

“Well I wouldn’t know about that…” Remus heard Sirius mutter.

Before he could ask about it though. Sirius pulled over again and grabbed the cooler from the back seat that he’d apparently stowed there without Remus seeing.

Sirius turned to Remus suddenly with a flash of excitement in his eyes, “Bluebells!"

Before Remus could sputter a “Pardon?..” Sirius was out of the car, pulling some gloves and a pair of secateurs out of the cooler as he hurried to the side of the road.

Sure enough, the meadow next to Remus had periwinkle blooms fluttering in the coastal breeze. Remus smiled fondly at Sirius from a distance as the man crouched down among the flowers like some kind of leather-clad fae and snipped what he needed.

Sirius stood, fitting the lid of the cooler on and pocketing his gloves and secateurs. He turned back to the car and Remus fixed the image in his mind, promising to come back to it at his closest availability.

Sirius was carrying the ridiculously blue cooler under one arm; his other arm held his gear in his pocket as he walked. The wind had caught his hair and he’d tied it up sometime between getting out of the car and getting the flowers, so the hairs fluttering around his face framed his features just so. The clear morning sun caught his raven hair, making it shine and highlighting the arch of his brows – which raised over his forehead as he caught Remus’s eye and smiled, bright with joy as he made it back to the car and opened the back door. Remus was dazzled.

And then he immediately felt bad because this man was either straight and not interested, or queer, but RECENTLY out of a looooooong hetero relationship and that didn’t bode well for Remus’s chances. Sirius also obviously (and understandably) was still reeling from the breakup if his slip last night was anything to go by.

As Sirius drove on, Remus gave him some direction to the beach he had in mind, otherwise staying quiet – brooding.

The quiet was not easy this time. Sirius’s joy seemed to vanish when he took in Remus’s posture and scowl.

“I’m sorry,” He blurted.

Remus looked at him curiously.

“I didn’t mean to pry,” he said quickly, chancing a glance, “about your illness…”

“Oh!” Remus blinked and then hurried to correct him, “No! No, please don’t apologise – thank you for asking and letting me talk! Most people find out I’m sick and either make it about how it inconveniences them or they start to lay on the self-help bullshit,” he laughed.

“Well, if you’re sure,” Sirius responded, an uncertain smile on his lips again.

“I am,” Remus assured him returning it, “You have nothing to apologise for.”

Sirius smiled a real smile. Blinding. Like the sun as it came through the clouds.

“Apart from for cutting me off at the cart yesterday, that was fucking rude.” Remus quipped.

Sirius Threw his head back barking with laughter.

Notes:

Also, let me know if you'd like to know what songs the chapter titles come from. It only occurred to me today that people could be interested.

As always, thank you for reading, commenting etc <3

Chapter 7: Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know

Summary:

In which Sirius gathers flowers and thinks about his family.

Another rough one, TW for abuse, family difficulties - it's shorter though so there's that.

Sirius

-

They had arrived on the beach Remus had had in mind apparently.

Lavernock Point Beach had pebbles rather than sand and was edged with cliffs that looked a little like thin layers of rocks had been laid over each other over the centuries so every layer was a different shade of limestone that jutted out unevenly. The tops of the cliffs were softened by the brush and foliage that Sirius had been here to find and he found himself doing a brief solo hike to get high up enough to A. See the view and B. Collect his bits and pieces. Not far away he could still see Remus sitting on the grass that lay between where they parked and where the pebbles started. He was just visible from the shoulders up as he sat on a blanket in the long grass staring out to the sea.

Sirius had suggested he do this bit of the job solo partly because he suspected Remus was still a bit sore and had needed a bit of time on his own after the moment in the car. For that matter so did Sirius.

He decided to put away for the moment the way he had felt watching Remus get more and more upset as he talked about his childhood and his relationship with his father. Definitely decided not to think about the almost instinctual way he’d pulled into the gas station to comfort him. Categorically refused to think about the way his heart had just about stopped when Remus had let his head fall onto his shoulder and the way his hands had thrummed as he brought them around Remus’s back to hold him as he had sobbed. As Sirius climbed higher through the bush with the breeze whipping strands of his hair out of its bun and around his head, he decided that all of that could be a future Sirius issue.

Instead, he was thinking about the way his own relationship with his father had worked its way into every friendship and relationship he’d ever had. He was thinking about Mary and Regulus and James and how the specter of his parents had hovered over him in every interaction he had until he was sixteen and decided that enough was enough and his life would not be defined by the cancer of their beliefs, abuse, and vitriol.

Of course, the echoes still reverberated every now and then. He remembered the way that he had hidden in the shed the time at the Potter’s when he had accidentally broken a window while he was practicing his cricket swing one afternoon. James had finally found him stuffed into the smallest corner he could find shivering with cold and dread that the Potters would know now that he wasn’t worth the effort it took to keep him and send him back.

That night, when James had finally coaxed him out of the shed and into the kitchen - hair covered in dust and cobwebs - all James and his parents had done was envelop him in the biggest family hug. He’d known then that this was what he was missing. Grace. Understanding. Love. He’d had to help James’s dad repair the window the next day, but apart from that he’d never mentioned the incident again.

And then there was Regulus. Sirius’s heart squeezed in pain. He thought about the night he had left. He had snuck into Regulus’s room and tried to pull him out of his bed to make him come with him. His brother, two years younger, had been largely spared his parent’s wrath. He hoped it had stayed that way. Regulus’s fear had never manifested the way Sirius’s had – in defiance. Instead, Regulus’s fear had made him small and meek. Reticent to disobey or speak up. When Sirius had tried to shake him awake that night, he had stubbornly pretended to stay asleep. Sirius had tried to pull him out of bed by his feet, determined to bring him with. But regulus had kicked his feet away and curled away from Sirius, even as he had begged.

He'd snuck back into the Black family home’s grounds once a week for a while, throwing pebbles at Regulus’s window the same way James had done for him until one day his father had seen him and chased him off the property with his Holland & Holland brandished under his arm as he threatened to make sure that Regulus would pay if Sirius ever came back.

Sirius stopped at the top of the hill and caught his breath, it almost coming out as a sob. He had lost so much to his parents and their hatred. The latest casualty, of course, being Mary.

Sirius wasn’t un-self-aware enough to make it exclusively their fault. He knew he’d made decisions that had led him to where he had been on Tuesday night as he’d blown his world apart. But he couldn’t pretend there wasn’t a straight line drawn from the events of earlier this week and the moments of his life where his mother had told him he’d never be good enough and his father had threatened and inflicted bodily harm if he didn’t try to reach their expectations. And sometimes even when he did.

Sirius pulled himself back from his brooding, taking a deep breath. He opened his cooler and pulled his secateurs from his pocket. Slipping on his gloves, he began to snip bits of gorse and brush and grass. Delighted, he even found some spotted orchid in the mix and snipped a few stalks of that too.

Satisfied, he turned to look down the hill at the man sitting in the grass below. Sirius found that Remus’s head was tilted up to the sunlight. He couldn’t see clearly from the height he was at, but he imagined that the tall man’s eyes were shut against the brightness of the day, leaning into the warmth, the rays settling over his skin and bringing a pink flush against his nose and cheeks. Sirius smiled, deciding it was time to come down from his spot on the cliff and out of his thoughts.

As he trudged down the hill, cooler in one hand and the other in his jacket pocket, Sirius continued to watch Remus. The grass was waving around him in the wind and the early sun gave the scene an other-worldly quality you only get in the early Summer. The air was swimming with the smell of new grass and the salt from the sea in the medium distance. Sat as he was on the plaid blanket in such a setting, Remus looked like something that Sirius had dreamed into being. And then, as Sirius began to approach Remus looked up and toward him looking for all the world like he’d rather be nowhere else and Sirius forgot how to breathe.

Remus’s soft smile widened as Sirius reached the blanket.

“How goes the florist-ing?”

“Well,” Sirius smirked, lifting the cooler up in illustration.

He lowered it to the blanket and sat down, mirroring Remus as he sat his arms wrapped around his knees bent in front of him.

“I forgot to ask,” Remus began, looking suddenly serious, “How are you doing with everything?”

Sirius was taken aback by the remarkably astute question. He took a breath.

“It’s weird, you know – because I think I’ve quite literally demolished my life from the ground up.”

He said this almost academically like he was making an observation of something that wasn't causing his heart to crumble like he’d taken a sledgehammer to it.

“You said that she broke up with you?” Remus said carefully, leaning on his arms with his head turned toward Sirius.

“That’s the simple answer,” Sirius said with a dry laugh.

“What’s the complicated answer?” Remus asked with a raised brow.

Sirius paused.

“Of course, it’s none of my business, and you don’t have to talk about it-“

“No, I- I was just trying to decide how much of it I can tell you without dissolving in self-defense,” Sirius responded, leaning back on his arms and thinking.

“I guess it’s good practice,” he continued slowly, thinking that getting used to people’s disgust and horror was probably not a terrible idea.

“If I tell you, you have to promise that you won’t cancel the job,” Sirius smirked only half teasing, “even if you think I’m pond scum afterward.”

“Hand to god, I won’t cancel,” Remus said smiling slightly, raising a hand slightly for effect, “I’m too invested in seeing the way these arrangements work out.”

Sirius chuckled and he breathed in. It was time to get used to telling the truth.

Notes:

Someone hug these boys, please.

Thank you for reading and the rest <3.

Chapter 8: Now don’t be sad, coz two out of three ‘aint bad

Summary:

Sirius talks, Remus listens

TW: coming out, break ups, abuse, general Black-family shittyness again. There's some homophobic stuff too but it's mentioned in passing. Really you can just mark "The Black family are abusive homophobes off your wolfstar bingo cards.

As usual, James is a shining light in the darkness.

Sirius

Sirius lay down on his back next to Remus with his eyes closed. He began to talk.

-

Tuesday evening
-

Sirius and Mary had spent the evening at Mary’s mum's. It had been a good night – Mary had made a charcuterie board and Sirius had spent far too much on a good bottle of wine for the occasion. They chatted about Mary’s patients that week and Sirius regaled them with the Karen horror story he’d collected that week at the shop.

The bitch in question had come into the store and made some outrageous demand for a massive order by that night for an engagement party and even after Sirius had explained that they needed at least 48 hours to get in that quantity of fresh flowers, the woman had insisted that she KNEW they kept fresh stuff in the fridges out back all the time. When Sirius had literally offered to show her his flower-less fridges in his workroom – admittedly with more heat and sass than customer service normally demanded – She had assumed the position with her hands on her hips and that snotty I’m-about-to-make-your-life-hell look. Sirius vividly remembered his own mother adopting that look before going on and ruining the lives of every employee of the given establishment she was terrorizing on that day. This time, however, Sirius had a trump card, because when she asked to see the store manager, he had ducked down under the counter and then popped back up a few seconds later with a drawn-on Sharpie mustachio and a fedora before asking – in a heavily put upon French accent – what he could do for the Karen.

The story had made Mary and her mother heave and sob and wheeze with laughter, and as the hilarity ebbed slightly from her features, Mary’s mother turned to Mary and asked – the amusement still heavy in her voice – Just when this hilarious man was going to make an honest woman of her.

Sirius’s laughter had died in his throat. His face drained of all colour and his hands began to shake around his tightly gripped wine glass.

Mary, noticing none of this visceral reaction, just winked at Sirius and then turned to her mother muttering something about “working on it”.

Later, when they had got home, and Mary stood at the kitchen counter unloading the bits they had brought back with them, Sirius had to disappear into the bathroom for a minute and wet his face with cold water.

He knew he’d fucked up. He’d left it too late and now there was no way this wouldn’t blow up his whole life. They were all expecting it, he knew. James had been making comments about moments to include in his best man speech and Pete had begun mortifyingly taking Mary’s hand every time he greeted them to closely inspect her ring finger before shaking his head at Sirius in mock disappointment. He’d waited too long. He’d been too selfish. And now he was going to have to blow his life apart and hope the pieces settled in some fashion he could learn to live with.

He came out of the bathroom and stood behind a chair at their kitchen table, hands gripping the wood until his knuckles were white.

“Mary…”

She turned to look at him with light curiosity.

“Can we talk?” He finished after a pause.

“Sure babe,” she said frowning slightly, “what’s up?”

He sat in the chair and she sat facing him across the table. Sirius didn’t know where to start. He stared at her, panic rising.

“Is this about what my mum said?” She asked quietly, looking slightly disappointed, “Because we don’t have to get married Sirius,” she went on, “we’re happy the way we are, aren’t we?”

She reached across the table and gripped his hand, her skin soft and warm and golden brown in his.

“God,” Sirius breathed, “I’ve never been as happy as I’ve been with you Mary,” he breathed laced with regret.

“Been?” she stilled. “As in, in the past?” She looked at him with creeping uncertainty.

He came right out with it. “I like men, Mary,” he said softly, "I'm gay."

The hand slipped from his and went into her lap.

She was silent for a full minute.

“How long?” She said quietly looking down.

“You have to try to understand,” he pleaded, “When I was growing up, my parents told me that queers were the freaks on the street who flashed small children and hurt them. They told me they couldn’t be real men or have ‘real’ relationships. I learned as soon as I could compute the idea of sex that men that have sex with other men were the worst abomination there were.”

“How long, Sirius?”

“My dad threatened to kill us if he ever found out we were queer, Mary, it wasn’t something I could resign myself to easily.” He was babbling desperately trying to get out all the explanations so she would UNDERSTAND that it was never about hurting her, it had been about protecting himself.

“HOW LONG, SIRIUS?” Her shouted words in a tone she’d never once used with him before made him stop.

“Maybe the whole time?” he said in the smallest voice.

She stood up from the table like she couldn’t stand to look at him a moment longer. She walked to the counter and leaned her arms against it, turning her back to him.

“I only knew for sure the year I started the Horticulture course,” he said to her back, “and by then we were closing on the flat and I was panicking because I just couldn’t lose you."

She looked back to look at him, angry incredulity written on her face.

“I couldn’t leave after what you’d done for me,” he kept going, “I couldn’t feel like I was using you to become the person I was supposed to be. I had to see if I could do it. So I threw myself into us. I woke up every day deciding that I would love you and focus only on that and the work I was doing. Your sister had just passed and I needed to be there for you. We were relying on each other and it was amazing!"

He stopped for a moment.

“But last year…”
She was facing him again now, crying silently.

“Mary, I realised that there could be more. What we had might be the best friendship I’ve ever had, and I know sleeping together made it something else-“ She snorted at that and he stopped.

“Yeah, I guess I deserved that.” He said sitting down and dropping his head.

They hadn’t touched each other in bed since Christmas.

“I thought we were just in a dry patch,” she said miserably, covering her face, “Were you just disgusted by me?”

“NO, Mary. God.” He said quickly and emphatically, “No,” he said again firmly, “There is nothing wrong with you-"

“So, what? Were you just trying to freeze me out until I got tired of using my vibrator and decided I wanted to see other people?” She said getting angry again.

“No, Mary!” Sirius was crying now too.

“Were you just going to keep stringing me along, then?”

“No! That’s why I had to tell you today-“

“You realise, don’t you, that for all your words, you HAVE used me? You HAVE strung me along. FOR THREE YEARS, SIRIUS. Letting me think that we were leading to some kind of forever while you figured out whatever you were figuring out?!” She was shouting again now.

“I KNOW!” Sirius wailed, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes so hard he thought he might crush his skull.

“I knew I had to tell you,” He went on still not looking at her, “I knew that the longer I left it, the worse it would be and the less chance there was of anyone forgiving me.” He sobbed.

“I know what I did was unforgivable.” He continued to sob.

“I know I’ve confused you and used you and leaned on you for all of it. And maybe I’m selfish- no I KNOW I’m selfish – but I just couldn’t see a way to do this that wouldn’t end in me losing you – losing everything: our life together, our friends…”

“Our life together?” She breathed in disbelief.

He looked up at her.

“There is no life together anymore, Sirius. How could you think you could tell me that you were gay and had lied to me for three years, and there would be anything left?” She was on a roll now and Sirius was being flattened.

“Did you think we’d talk this through, and then tomorrow go out and buy another double bed for the flat and we’d go on? Living as friends but not as lovers with nowhere for either of us to go other than insane? We deserve more than that, Sirius.”

Sirius stayed silent because that had been one of the possible scenarios he had seen. He’d hoped she loved him enough to be in his life while he lived honestly. Now his blood was ice as he realized the future he’d damned her to with his fantasy.

He’d treated her like some kind of emotional support pet, or an object – kept for his use and support, but never with an equal stake in the relationship. There was no way that relationship dynamic would have given her anything but heartache and he hated himself for even thinking it.

“We’re done, Sirius,” She said, picking up her keys and marching to the bedroom to pack a bag.

“I’m so sorry Mary,” Sirius said as he stood at the bedroom door watching her throw things into a bag.

“Do you think there’s a chance-“

“I don’t know Sirius,” She spat stepping around him in the doorway, “I need time to process this."

As she reached the front door and stood in the frame, Sirius trailing behind her she turned and looked at him with hurt and anger he knew he had put there.

“You want the world, Sirius. But you can’t have it all – especially not when you neglect to inform those you want to share it with.”

-

When Sirius finished telling Remus he felt like all the air in his body had been deflated like an air mattress. He opened his eyes and sat up.

He felt hollow and like if he hadn’t been sitting the wind might have blown him out to sea.

Remus was quiet and Sirius closed his eyes, leaning his face into the sun.

The silence stretched out another minute and then Remus spoke.

“I’m proud of you.”

Sirius thought he must have imagined it.

He blinked his eyes open and looked at Remus. He met his gaze steadily.

“Proud- did you hear how I just blew up my life?” Sirius said still in disbelief.

Remus took a breath considering again before he responded.

“It takes a lot of courage to do the right thing when you know it will almost definitely ruin you,” Remus said nodding.

“I’m not saying it was smart for you to wait as long as you did,” Sirius huffed humourlessly and Remus continued with a wry expression, “and I don’t need to tell you that Mary didn’t deserve it -I can already see how much you hate yourself for it.”

Sirius nodded and dropped his forehead onto his knees, fighting tears again.

He felt Remus shift closer on the blanket and his hand against his shoulder.

“I’m also proud of you for coming out,” He said, and it sounded husky.

“Sometimes there’s just no good way to do it, but it’s still got to be out in the open, you know?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said softly, lifting his head and propping his chin on his knees, “I still have to tell everyone else, and I doubt they’re gonna have as much distance from it as you do to see it that way. They’ll just think it’s Sirius being indecisive and selfish again.” He stopped.

“I don’t know if I can come back from this with them,” he said finally with a gasping sob.

Remus turned fully to him then and gathered Sirius to his chest, his head sitting by Remus's collarbone as he cried.

Remus held Sirius as he clutched Remus’s jumper and grieved. For his lost relationship, for the friends to which he was convinced he’d be dead to soon. He mourned for his childhood and the culmination of circumstances that had damaged him so much that he’d potentially done the same to someone else.

And Remus just held him, resting his head on Sirius’s and making soothing noises.

Eventually, Sirius’s sobs slowed and his breaths started to come easier. He breathed deeply and his heart rate slowed into the comforting slow thud that followed a proper cry.
He became aware of how at home he felt with this person who had been a stranger a day ago. Today wasn’t even properly today-ing yet and already Remus had told him about his complicated relationship with his dad and allowed Sirius to witness his grief. It was barely 8.30 am and a mere 23 hours after he had met the man Sirius was sat wrapped in Remus's arms as he hummed soothing melodies into his hair - Letting Sirius process his pain.

“Your mum sounds like a bitch,” Remus mumbled into his hair.

Sirius chuckled, sniffed and sighed, “Honestly, she is. Worse even. She makes Satan seem like a reasonable guy.”

“Did your dad really –“ Remus began sounding horrified,

“He did,” Sirius confirmed.

“They did much worse than threaten me and make retail employees want to put themselves through the shredder though,” he mumbled into Remus’s chest.

“Yeah? Fuck. I’m so sorry, Sirius,” Remus replied squeezing him tighter one last time and pulling away to look at him.

Sirius thought it was a shame. Remus smelled almost better than he looked sat on the beach with the morning sunlight making his hair glow and his eyes into a glowing shade of maple or whisky. He smelled like coffee and Blueberry muffins, and clove and something musky and sharp – which must just be HIM.

“It’s alright,” He shrugged, “James got me through it. His parents gave me a place to stay when I couldn’t take it anymore. Took me on like I was theirs. James is my brother - there’s not much more to it,” Sirius shrugged, feeling the anxiety growing again as he thought about telling him about why he and Mary had broken up.

Like he could read his mind again, Remus began thoughtfully, “You know, if that’s true then I don’t think any of what you told me will change anything for James.”

Remus nodded to himself like he was sure.

“You might get a smack and a telling off, but something tells me that he understands better than you’re letting on.”

Sirius considered this for a moment. He thought about James knowing about his home life without needing to be told. About dropping by unannounced during holidays and throwing pebbles at Sirius’s window to get Sirius to come outside and show him he was in one piece. He thought of James’s mother taking him shopping for his first doc martins and his dad teaching him how to hold a cricket bat and ride a bike at 16. He thought of the way that James had yanked Sirius by the arm into a smothering hug the night he had shown up on his doorstep and told him he had nowhere to go. He thought of how almost a decade later, on Tuesday night, James had reacted exactly the same way when Sirius had arrived, drenched and heartbroken. And he hoped. He hoped that James would not forsake him. He hoped that he knew he had never meant to hurt anyone. He desperately hoped that James’s love wasn’t conditional on Sirius being good or perfect or right.

They sat on the beach for a while longer, identically posed with their arms folded for their chins to rest on their raised knees. They looked out into the waves and Sirius thought that maybe it would be okay. It wouldn’t be pain-free or perfect, but at least whatever happened now happened because he was brave enough to try live honestly.

Notes:

*wipes forehead*

I hope I did it justice.
Please don't hate Sirius after this - I promise he hates himself more anyway.

Thanks for reading etc <3

Chapter 9: Well, I’ve been afraid of changing coz I’ve built my life around you

Summary:

Reflective palette cleanser after the heavy stuff, some mutual pining

Remus

-

Remus unlocked his door after his train home, his overnight bag in one hand as he close the door behind him with the other, then reached into his pocket to reply to a text from the caterers for the funeral asking if he minded them substituting egg roles for sausage rolls.

He replied in the affirmative, caring for neither so not really minding as he had planned to steer clear of them anyway.

He’d just arrived home from the train station, the cab taking much longer than anticipated given Thursday evening traffic and costing him an eye-watering bill to get home from his trip. At least the trip – the train back and the cab – had given Remus some time to process Sirius’s revelation.

Sirius was gay, and Remus didn’t know whether that fact or the fact that his gaydar wasn’t malfunctioning gave him more relief. Probably the latter. Sirius being gay didn’t mean that the rumblings that Remus felt inside were a good thing. It didn’t mean that there was ACTUALLY potential, regardless of how Remus felt.

The circumstances also complicated things, for sure. But Remus hadn’t had the energy to unpack those yet. He had three clear impressions from Sirius’s coming out:

1. Sirius was gay (insert fireworks).
2. Sirius had clearly been closeted for almost certainly his whole adult life.
3. Sirius expected his friends to react poorly – partly because of his three (3!) year hetero relationship with Mary, and partly (Remus suspected) because he was afraid they’d see him differently.
Sirius was in the throes of an absolute humdinger.

Remus, in theory, would like to be around to see how it all played out. He felt semi-responsible – as (presumably) the second person Sirius had come out to, to show him that life in the open could be a joyful and freeing thing. And if that meant that he needed to be there for Sirius with whatever the fallout was from telling his friends then Remus thought he’d probably rise to the occasion.

However, he could think of other ways that he’d also like to show Sirius that being out was a joyful and freeing thing.

He’d left two hours after Sirius had, having booked return tickets separately before they had known they’d run into each other (!!) at the motel in Wales. Remus breathed out an exasperated laugh as he considered the last two days. When he had decided to take the trip, he’d been resigned to a bit of solo trekking around his hometown, frequenting coffee shops and stopping at spots he had missed when they had moved. He had seen himself miserably trying to keep his mind on happier memories and suppressing his conflicted feelings and generally overthinking himself into a coma.

Instead, he’d had a memorable evening and next morning for entirely different reasons.

He shook his head as he made his way to the kitchen to find absolutely nothing edible in the fridge. He picked up a takeaway menu instead, deciding to order in.

After he had placed his order – Thai tonight – He opened his email inbox from his phone, hoping to see the progress photos Sirius had promised to send now that he was in wifi range.

“I’ll be in touch later today,” Sirius had said, standing up from their stools at the coffee bar at the train station before he went to board his train.

He’d smirked when he said “touch” and Remus had briefly been lost for words until Sirius finished, “-with the in-progress shots of the arrangements.”

Remus had blanked as the penny dropped and he stood up smiling as well.

“I don’t think I know of many other florists who go to the lengths that you do to get your bits,” he had said, looking down at Sirius giving him a small smile.

“And just how many florists DO you know, Remus?” Sirius had asked, cocking his head to the side, looking up slightly through his lashes.

“None,” Remus had laughed, and for a moment there was an awkwardness as neither knew how to sign off from the way the last 20 or so hours had gone.

Sirius stuck his hand out to Remus, who gripped Sirius’s warmly and shook.

“I can’t wait to see them,” Remus said softly holding Sirius’s gaze as strongly as he still held his hand, “Thank you – for everything.”

Sirius wasn’t shrinking from the contact – eye or skin – and smiled wider still in reply.

“And you,” he murmured, and then the moment was over as he dropped his hand, broke Remus’s gaze and turned away to head toward his platform.

In his kitchen, Remus saw that Sirius had sent some emails, but also saw a google meeting invite from Albus for first thing on Monday.

Remus opened the invite and bristled as he saw there was no description of the meeting’s purpose or agenda listed.

Closing his emails, he opened his texts and fired off a few to Regulus:

-

Hey, do you know anything
about this meeting on Monday?
Anything I should be aware
Of ahead of time?

-
Regulus was obviously and characteristically glued to his phone because his reply came a few seconds later.

-

Ugh, just Albus being Albus.
Wants to talk about your leave
Sitch. Wants to talk bout
The column.
Wants to stir shit generally.

-

Remus felt his heart stutter in an old panic. It was the same panic he’d felt when his P.E teacher had accused him of faking his limp and made him run laps the whole period. It was the same panic he felt when new employers asked him to disclose serious health conditions before applying.

-

My leave?
The leave I took to mourn
My father???
Ugh, the column issue again,
So no luck getting
Them to drop the issue?

-

Remus sat at his dining table staring at the blue dots appearing as Regulus typed a response.

-

They keep going on
About protecting the mags
Rep as a reputable source
Of medical information.

-

He followed this up with another immediately.

-

Don’t worry about your leave.
He’s just in his
No such thing as free lunch
Mood.
There’s plenty of evidence that
You do more than your fair share
He just want’s to pull his weight around
-Remind everyone he’s at the
Top of the pyramid.

-

Remus was in the middle of typing a response when Regulus sent another message.

-

He’s just a bully, Remus.
YOU make this mag.
He knows he couldn’t run
It without you.
-

Remus paused, thinking.

Regulus was probably the closest thing he had to a friend these days. After uni, everyone else had fallen away until he was predictably on his own. Regulus had always kept a professional distance at work, but for the first time, Remus wondered whether that was due to Regulus’s demeanor or Remus’s. Remus recognised that he’d become quite good at shutting people out and pushing people back when they got too close. Much of it was self-preservation. His dad had taught him through his actions that he and his illness were more trouble than they were worth. And over the years, his interactions with people had confirmed that as they’d made excuses and made stopped making eye contact as things had become real. Regulus, for all his posh, slightly aloof attitude seemed always to be able to tell when Remus needed an extra boost. On days when Remus hurt too much to get out of his office chair to get a cup of tea or too exhausted to come in to work, Remus would find a paper cup of tea on his desk the next time he looked up, or a text checking in.

He wondered idly then if his friend group might also now include Sirius.

He thought back to Sirius’s heavily lidded, ice-blue gaze when they’d parted at the station. He decided that at the very least, they were no longer strangers. Sirius with his electricity-charged aura. With his alabaster skin that reflected the world and its light back to it like a canvas bathed in coloured stage lights. Sirius who stuffed the pockets of his leather jacket with wildflowers.

Not strangers. Not now.

It would probably require more attention in the future. Probably at a time when Remus was not trying to prepare for his father’s funeral, or when Sirius wasn’t living with the powder keg hanging over him that was him eventually coming out to his friends. Maybe the crackling potential he felt between them was just the seeds of the kind of friendship he’d never been able to maintain. Maybe the bar for Remus was so far down on the floor that he’d accidentally read into someone’s comfort and trust unfairly. Perhaps it felt like more – like potential – because Remus was used to the rattling ache of loneliness.

He brought himself out of those thoughts finally, looking down at his phone again. He decided that Regulus also needed more attention if he was gonna raise that bar and see if Sirius would clear it.

He made his decision.

-

Hey Regulus,
What are you doing
Tomorrow at 11?
-

He waited.

-

Coming to your dad’s funeral,
You knob.
-

Remus smiled. Then he opened the attachments in Sirius’s email.

***

Sirius

-

It’s not that he was waiting for the replies or anything, but as the hour approached 18.30, Sirius began to get anxious that Remus hadn’t received his in-progress shots of the floral arrangements. He checked his sent folder for the third time. He’d definitely sent them. The first at 16.00, the next two at 17.30.

Maybe Remus hadn’t got home yet – maybe traffic was really bad or there had been an issue getting a cab back to his place. Sirius wondered absently if Remus lived in a flat or a house – whether he had flatmates or pets. Remus seemed like the kind of person who would suit a cottage in the woods somewhere. Somewhere with a herb garden and a fireplace where he could curl up with the proofs of the mag he edited or a novel he was reading in an overstuffed chair and a blanket. Sirius briefly lost focus on the forget-me-nots he was arranging as he imagined the way that fire-light would dance in those tawney eyes – did he wear reading glasses?

Sirius checked his phone again. Did he get home safely? He suddenly had unwelcomed mental images of car wrecks and ambulances.

He paused that spiral, suddenly wondering If Remus wasn’t replying because he didn’t know how to say that he didn’t like Sirius’s work? Or maybe he’s finally processed what Sirius had told him on the beach and decided he didn’t want anything to do with him.

Sirius needed to get a fucking grip.

He stalked over to his break space, deciding he probably needed a coffee and a moment. He prepared his drink and decided to try for some perspective. Remus had given no indication that Sirius had offended him in his confession or that he was disgusted. Maybe Remus just wasn’t someone who obsessed about things. Maybe HE wasn’t overthinking their day or the things he told Sirius the way Sirius was. For the umpteenth time in his life, Sirius found himself wondering why he had to be so fucking intense. He had only just met this man and he was already obsessing over why he wasn’t replying to his emails. Sure, there had been more than a few moments where he had felt something like lightning between them – but maybe Sirius was imagining things.

And he was definitely getting ahead of himself.

He didn’t really even know if Remus was gay. He’d seemed supportive enough of Sirius in his revelation and he certainly wasn’t homophobic if his comfort afterward was anything to judge by. But just because he was breathtaking, sweet, and funny didn’t make him the answer to every fantasy Sirius had ever had.

He finished his last sip of coffee and got back to work. He tapped his phone screen where he’d left it by his workstation and noticed a notification. Squashing his heart rate as it spiked, he unlocked it and opened Remus’s reply.

-

Sirius,

Sorry it took me so long to get to these – the cab home took a metric age.

Here’s my review:

- First pic: Jesus, and this is an in-progress shot? This is amazing.
- Second pic: Fucking hell, are you a flower Wizard?
- Third pic: Okay you’re fucking with me, right? There’s no way you did this in 4 hours.

Seriously though. These are more than I could have imagined. Thank you thank you thank you.

Can I get your number so we can coordinate tomorrow morning?

- Remus

P.S. Those Oompa-Loompas deserve an extra-chocolaty treat for their work this evening, I will be checking to see that they do.

-

Sirius read the email twice. He rested his arms and forehead against the stainless-steel surface of his workspace to cool the heat that crept into his cheeks. Fuck.

He needed to slow his role. If there was something worth pursuing here, then he could NOT go barrelling into it. He needed things with James, Lily, Pete and the rest to be in a better place.

He had to do things properly going forward.

Nevertheless, he picked up the order form that Remus had filled in the day before, locating his mobile number and firing off a test text to check it was the right number.

-

Testing, testing, this is
your favorite Florist,
steakhouse bandit and
blue-cooler owner.
Sound off if this
is Remus's number.
-Sirius

Notes:

Thanks for reading <3

Chapter 10: I watched it begin again

Summary:

In which Remus and Sirius text

- short and cheerful chapter which is mostly banter.

definitely text-fic inspired

Remus

-

Remus’s mobile buzzed as he dished up his takeaway and walked it to his living room to watch an episode of Supernatural while he ate. He sat in his armchair and placed his dish down on the side table. He unlocked his phone to find a new text notification from an unsaved number.

-

S: Testing, testing, this is
your favourite Florist,
steakhouse bandit and
blue-cooler owner.
Sound off if this
is Remus's number.
-Sirius

-

Remus huffed a laugh at the un-mistakably Sirius text. He started typing a response.

-

R: Over, over, can
confirm this is Remus’s
number. Whether this is
also Remus, though?
How would you know?

-

He smirked to himself, Picking up his Thai food and pressing play on his episode.
His phone buzzed again.

-

S: Hmmm..
We’d need verifying
questions. How do you take
your coffee in the
morning after a chaotic
but charming person in
leather almost stands you up
in the lobby of a
hotel you accidentally met at?

-

R: Hmm…
Well, when said leather
tornado brings me coffee
it’s a filter coffee with milk
and one sugar.

-

S: Okay, so two factor
verification. Now you need
to ask me something
to make sure I’m
Sirius.

-

R: Oooh, The old Uno-
reverse card.
what is your beverage of choice
to choke on when surprised
by a gangly, ugly-jumper
clad Welshman who doesn’t
expect to find you in the
outdoor seating of a motel
In his hometown?

-

S: That would be a Salted
peanut Butter Milkshake B)
S: And I didn’t think the
jumper was ugly.

-

Remus blushed, taking a bite of his almost-forgotten meal.

-

R: Okay, you have adequately
proved it’s me.
Now can you tell me how you
got my number when I asked you for
yours?

-

S: Order form.
Thought I’d short circuit
the back and forth :P
Sorry about the long cab ride.
Good trip otherwise?

-

R: Ah – I knew I should
have checked the box about
not keeping my info 😉
Apart from the cab ride it
was better than expected.
Some plonker with docs and
garden gloves in the
pockets of his leather jacket
let me tag along
while he frolicked in a meadow.

-

S: Hey that meadow was
Glorious.
I’d like to go back
to that beach at some
point. Thanks for
showing me

-

R: Was happy to show you.
R: Uhm about tomorrow

-

S: Ah yes, the job you’re
paying me for.

-

R: Yes, that.
R: Will you need anything provided
to do what you need to do?

-

S: Nope, me and Marls
will come in my big black van and
suss it out.
what time will guests arrive?

-

R: They’ll be there at 11.
I’m going to be there at 10.
I don’t do well without my
eye on the ball
I wanted to ask-

-

S: Yes?

-

R: Please don’t feel pressured

-

S: Now I’m just intrigued.

-

R: I wanted to know if you want
to stay for the service?

-

There were a few minutes of blue dots where Remus stared at his phone, his stomach sinking as he anticipated Sirius’s backpedaling.

-

S: What’s the dress code?

-

R: There isn’t one

-

S: Dammit, I’ll put
my suit away then.

-

R: Save it for a happier occasion.

-

S: oh, so this invite is the
first of others?

-

R: Well, when someone
brings me napkins after I
cry in their rental car
on the way to gather flowers
for my dads funeral, I tend
to consider them friends.

-

S: Good to know.
S: I’ll Whip out my red leather
docs Instead.

-

R: I think dad would like
that. And even if he didn’t
I’d certainly appreciate it.

-

S: well that’s the main thing really.

-

R: Are you done for the day then?

-

S: Nah, I was just taking a coffee and
text break, but I have a few bits to do
tonight.

-

R: ah, well my episode
of Supernatural and Thai
takeaway also calls.

-

S: Important commitments
those. Hope you have
A good night.
see you tomorrow
morning.

-

R: Night, Sirius

-

S: Sweet dreams, Remus

-

Remus shoved his head into a couch pillow and groaned.

Notes:

Many thanks for reading! <3

Chapter 11: Oh, Brother of mine, it’s been a long, long time

Summary:

The Funeral pt. 1:
Marlene pries, Sirius wears Ox-blood docs and Remus has an "ah-ha" moment

Notes:

TW: Funeral. Break up awkwardness. Family dynamics

Sirius:

-

“So, you guys just broke up?”

Sirius could feel Marlene’s narrowed gaze on his profile as he drove the van to the church on Friday morning.

This was the first opportunity he’d had to catch up with her since Tuesday. She only worked the weekends in the store so he could get a few days off and helped him construct arrangements at events like this one, but they kept in pretty regular contact via text. They had done ever since they’d met during his two-year associate degree in horticulture; specialising in landscape management, design and construction. She’d only done the one-year course, but there were enough papers overlapping with Sirius’s degree that they’d got to know each other pretty well in that time.

When Sirius had completed his degree and used a good portion of his inheritance on opening Black Rose Florists, he’d known that the only person he’d trust to execute his vision was Marlene. When she wasn’t working for Sirius, she was bartending at their local haunt The Leaky Cauldron – named for its gothic, spooky theme. She had a shaggy, blond wolf-cut dyed violet at the edges. He’d only occasionally seen her without the heavy black eyeliner she wore around her eyes and the almost black-burgundy lip stain she used. She wore two solid black rings in her nose on the left side and had an assortment of black and chrome piercings in her ears. When she wasn’t wearing Black Rose branded gear (like she was today), she was usually sporting a home-distressed t-shirt sporting a classic literature pun. Her absolute specialty, of course, was anything gothic. Sirius’s favourite to date depicted Edgar Allan Poe with a speech bubble next to his head reading “I’m just a Poe boy, nobody loves me.”

So, when Marlene climbed into the van just a minute ago and knew immediately that something was wrong because he hadn’t texted her a picture of a dog he’d seen while out and about for three days it wasn’t much of a surprise.

“Well, that’s the part I’m prepared to talk about right now as I drive us to a paid gig, yeah,” He gave her a look that he hoped would stop her from asking more questions.

“But she’ll be there tonight,” She asked cautiously, “at James and Lil’s?”

“Yeah,” he said wincing, “we’re gonna talk again at some point before we see everyone,” Sirius continued.

“But not to reconcile?” she Interrupted.

“We’re a little past that, Marls.” He stated, glaring at the road.

“Okay…” She said turning and looking into the back of the van.

“And why is it that your leather jacket is hanging up back here like it’s catching a lift to go somewhere after this gig?”

“Well,” Sirius said cautiously, “I’ve been invited to stay for the service.”

He turned back to Marlene, “Actually, could you take the van back when we’re done with set-up?”

“Sure,” she said frowning at him again, “I parked by the shop anyway.”

“How come you’re invited?” She asked, considering him for a second, “Do you know the person who hired us?”

“Sort of,” he said uncomfortably. He didn’t really want to go through everything right now.

“And how are you getting home after?” She asked, still looking at him.

“I’m gonna get a cab to where Mary is staying to talk,” He replied.

“Sirius.”

“Yes?”

“What happened?”

Sirius sighed.

He’d had a rough night. He’d finished up at the shop and then gone home for the first time since Tuesday. He’d had to get some clean clothes and his branded apron for set up at the funeral. All of Mary’s stuff had been moved out since he’d been there. He figured she’d had them moved out on Thursday when he’d been in Wales.

He’d stood in what used to be his and Mary’s room and looked around at all the obvious absences, and felt like someone was systematically unpicking the seams of everything he was trying to hold together.

He’d slept on the couch that night, being unable to linger in their room for longer than it took him to get some pajamas and have a shower.

And then he spent the next few hours lying there and playing through everything in his mind. He played it all over so many times that his head felt like an emotional blender that someone had filled past capacity and one tap of a button would send the contents splattering over everything in a nearby radius.

This morning he was feeling anxious. About talking to Mary tonight, about seeing the gang at the dinner, and about seeing Remus. Even Remus and his soft eyes and dry wit had made his way into the emotional smoothie, and now Sirius had to try to keep it together to be there for him at the service.

He REALLY needed Marline to stop asking him questions so he could focus on not having a panic attack.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Marls,” He said quietly, “I will at some point, but right now I can’t.”

She finally seemed to get the hint and they were silent until Sirius pulled into the service entrance of the church at 9am.

The next hour was taken up with making their presence known to anyone who could direct them to the church kitchens, then transporting the 80% complete arrangements from the van and to the kitchen where Sirius and Marlene finished the installments off with the freshest flowers that wouldn’t sit well overnight. While he did that, he caught a glimpse of Remus a few times, but he was always talking to the caterer or speaking solemnly with the deacon who was running the service. Sirius didn’t mind though; he was focused on the job now, having finally managed to compartmentalize what was going on and what needed to get done and there was a sense of relief in that.

When it got to 10 am, Sirius and Marlene began to carefully transport the floral arrangements to their spots in the sanctuary and the final one to its place in the repast space where it sat on a catering table. Sirius was busy turning the vase one way and then the other to try and get the perfect saturation of light through the water in the vase onto the tablecloth when he heard a polite cough a foot or so from his right shoulder. Sirius smiled a secret smile and straightened, turning to look at Remus.

The man had no business looking that good on the day of his father’s funeral. That was the first thought that ran through Sirius’s mind as he completed his turn toward him.

“Hi,” Remus said, the corner of his mouth quirking up like he was smiling in spite of himself.

“Hey,” Sirius said trying to compose himself.

Remus had freshly washed hair that kind of flopped to the side, curling as it dried. He was wearing a grey dress shirt without a tie, with the top few buttons undone to a respectable place, but one which still gave a peak at the freckles on the skin under the hollow of his neck. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbow and he wore a pair of darker, gun-metal grey slacks and black dress shoes. It was somber enough without being overdone and the grey set off the slight circles under his eyes, making him look deliciously like he’d been up to no good, rather than tired from grief and travel.

“How are you today?” Sirius finally got out, adopting a somber, gentle tone.

“Well I was up most of the night trying to write a eulogy,” He started and reached one hand into his pocket and brought the other to the back of his head, rubbing his neck, “So, I’m just trying to stay busy before the exhaustion hits and I inevitably pass out for the weekend.”

Sirius nodded sympathetically trying not to get distracted by the way Remus’s shirt pulled around his Biceps where his hand was placed behind his head.

“The shoes cheered me up, though,” Remus’s words as he looked at Sirius’s feet pulling him from his momentary hypnosis.

Sirius felt himself blush as he looked down at his ox-blood Docs.

“Really offsets the florist apron,” Remus continued, lowering his hand and sticking it in his pocket. His quirked smile spread into a full bemused smirk.

“Why thank you,” Sirius said, taking the bottom corners of his half apron between his fingers like it was the hem of a skirt and dipping into a slight curtsey – crossing his right foot behind his left as he bobbed.

Remus’s smile widened into something genuinely lovely as he laughed and Sirius forgot how to speak, watching the soft pink that crept into the apples of Remus’s cheeks.

“Sirius! Can you come to check if you’re happy with the sanctuary placements?” Marlene’s approaching voice snapped him back to where they are what he was doing.

“Marlene,” he said a little sheepishly, turning to her, “this is today’s client, or rather his son, Remus,” He turned to Remus then, “Remus, this is Marlene, my long-time friend, and assistant at the shop.”

Remus shook her hand politely and turned back to Sirius.

“I’ll let you finish up, but I’ll see you in there,” He said to Sirius, “I have another guest coming who I’ll introduce you to then, the rest are only really here for my dad and can be a bit..”

“Standoffish?” Sirius volunteered,

“Hesitant to engage with people who wear red docs and a leather jacket to a funeral?” Marlene piped up from his side. Sirius caught Remus’s smile in response.

“Take your pick, really,” Remus said with a breathy laugh, “Either is correct.”

He turned to walk towards the deacon’s office again, but before he got too far away, he turned, stopping to look at Sirius again.

“The flowers are masterpieces, by the way,” Remus shook his head softly “I, um. I can’t thank you enough.”

Sirius paused for maybe a second too long before sputtering “Of course, er. I’m glad they meet the requirements,” Remus looked at him for a moment longer until Marlene coughed and then he turned and walked away.

Sirius turned to the sanctuary to check the flower arrangements, Marlene in tow, while he actively avoided meeting her raised eyebrow.

“I don’t want to talk, Marls,” said Sirius, trying to talk past the lump that was stuck in his throat.

She’d obviously given up for now because she didn’t press it. He made his final adjustments with the floral pieces in the sanctuary, said his goodbyes to Marlene – promising to see her later the dinner – and snuck off to don his black t-shirt and leather jacket for the service.

He snuck back into the sanctuary and made his way to the back pews, eyes down in thought until he heard a voice he thought he’d never hear again.

When he’d last heard it, it had none of the steady depth that age lent it now. He still heard it in its earlier incarnation in his nightmares sometimes, begging him to stay.

“Sirius?”

Sirius froze. He raised his head and his eyes snapped up to meet the steel grey eyes of Regulus Black.

***

Remus

-

Remus made his way into the sanctuary, shuffling his notes for the eulogy as he passed one of Sirius’s arrangements. He needed to find out if Sirius took portfolio shots or something. He wanted to remember these pieces. A few guests were filling the pews. It would not be a large service. His dad had a very small group of friends he saw on the regular, and apart from them, it was just neighbors and some distant family that Remus had never even met who had made the trip from Wales for the occasion. And the two guests here for him.

Remus scanned the pews and saw Sirius already talking to Regulus by one of the back pews and made his way over to introduce them.

As he approached, he noticed that something about their interaction seemed tense and he hoped he could smooth out whatever misunderstanding had happened.

“I see you two have already met-” Remus said, smiling a bit and then breaking off as the two men’s heads snapped toward him simultaneously.

And then he saw it. The same obsidian hair, identical shades of alabaster skin, and there was something about the way he’d found them talking to each other, both mirroring each-others posture with their arms crossed tightly across their chests that rang a bell in Remus’s brain for the first time.

“Sirius BLACK-“ He said in a tone of realisation.

“Are you and Regulus related?” he asked, belatedly realising the answer before it was given.

Sirius was the one who answered.

“Regulus is my little brother,” he said in a quiet and almost pained register.

Remus noted though they were eerily similar, they were not identical. He noticed, for example, that Sirius was taller than Regulus, and though Sirius was lean, his build was more filled out and stockier whereas Regulus could only be described as thin and angular. Sirius had those angles that cast shadows but Regulus had sharper bone-structure still, giving him the hard, aloof, and dangerous air, he was famous for at the office.

“Sirius was just about to tell me how he knew you,” Regulus seemed to pull himself together first and turned to Remus, shaking his hand, “How are you, Remus?”

Remus shook his hand and replied, “Sirius did the flowers for the funeral,” he said, gesturing around at the displays, “And we sort of-“ he turned to look at Sirius.

“We’re trying to move past some coffee cart rudeness on my part,” He said with a slight smirk, meeting Remus’s gaze.

Remus smiled back slightly in relief, but not before seeing how Regulus snapped his head back to look at Sirius. The expression on Regulus’s face was something enigmatic and hard to pin down, but if Remus had to sum it up he’d have to place it somewhere between blatant hostility and agony. He wondered how long it had been since they’d seen each other. Neither had ever mentioned the other. Granted he’d only known Sirius for two days, but he’d learned a great deal else about him in that time. And Regulus, he realised, had never mentioned his family once. Remus had an inkling of why now.

“And I’m alright Reg, thank you for coming.” Remus pulled his mind away from kicking himself mentally to look at Regulus.

“Of course, Remus,” Regulus replied with a pleasant expression.

“Good luck up there,” Sirius said a little softly, and Remus turned back to him with a grateful but nervous smile.

“Thanks,” he said sheepishly, “And thanks for staying, Sirius,” he continued, “I know you probably have other orders-"

“Nonsense, Remus,” Sirius replied, placing his hand on his shoulder, “Anything. Always.” He met Remus’s eyes and smiled sheepishly. Remus had just enough time to register how his eyes twinkled and the stained glass window behind them stained Sirius’s skin golden and pink before he heard someone calling him from the front of the sanctuary.

He told the Black brothers -THE BLACK BROTHERS – Fucking hell, Remus was an idiot - that he’d talk to them after the service and headed to the front where he would sit waiting for his time to stand and talk about his dead father.

On his way to the front, he turned back to see Sirius and Regulus standing resolutely shoulder to shoulder, each with their arms crossed tightly across their chests muttering to each other through the sides of their mouths and refusing to look each other in the eye. Though it was hardly a relaxed scene, he noted that neither had moved to put distance between them though, even as the empty pew stretched to either side of them.

Notes:

Thank you for reading <3

Chapter 12: And I Left You Alone in a House Not a Home

Summary:

Funeral pt2: The Black Brothers covertly converse, Remus gives a Eulogy

TW: discussions of abuse, death, allusions to neglect

Notes:

angst, but kinda angst -no sugar?

Sirius

-

Sirius spent most of the hymn section of the service hissing whispers to Regulus while the congregation swelled in song. They were right at the back, so they didn’t attract much attention as the sole two people there to support Remus through his father’s farewell. Sirius resolved in the back of his mind to orchestrate an occasion where Remus could meet Pete and James – Remus clearly needed more friends.

“So you pick flowers for a living now?” He heard Reggie hiss out the side of his mouth sharply, “corporate law just too cutthroat for you?”

“Says the one who works for HR?” Sirius hissed back, “weren’t you supposed to go into the FAMILY business and spend your days signing documents other people had drafted for you while you snorted cocaine off someone’s arse?”

“I left as soon as I turned 18, Sirius,” Sirius turned to look at Reggie for the first time since they’d begun their whispered reunion.

“I got an internship at the mag as part of their legal entity while I worked through law school. We didn’t all have the Potters to run off to-“

“What are you implying?” Sirius whisper-shouted, “That my life was just oh-so cushy after I left?”

“A lot cushier than mine anyway,” Reggie returned, still not looking at Sirius.

“What are you talking about? You were always the perfect child. Mother never let me forget what a shame it was you weren’t the heir,” Sirius had turned in full towards Regulus now.

“Yeah, well when you left you took their favourite punching bag away, didn’t you? They found a substitute. Trust me.” Reg whispered flatly

“You could have come with me,” Sirius started, feeling the dread and the guilt creeping up his throat. He thought he might be sick.

And then he was just angry.

“I TRIED TO TAKE YOU WITH ME,” Sirius growled.

“Hmmm, tried so hard, didn’t you?” Regulus snapped under his breath, “Got tired of coming back after a month- or was it three weeks, I forget?”

Sirius looked at Regulus, stricken. The emotional blender was churning and he was experiencing the full spectrum of emotion this morning.

“Didn’t you know?” Sirius asked whispering again, willing Regulus to LOOK at him.

“Know what?” Reggie snapped again

“Did you not hear our father yelling at me as I ran down the street the last time I came?” He asked brokenly.

Regulus looked at him uncomprehendingly, uncertainty making its way into his expression.

“He brought out his hunting rifle, Reggie,” he carried on despite Regulus’s wince at the childhood pet name, “he cornered me by that tree in the park across from the house,” he took a deep breath, “took me by the hair and lifted me to his eye-level and told me if I ever came back he’d kill you.”

He got the last word out and felt deflated as he had on the beach on Thursday. Regulus’s face drained of even more colour if that was possible. The sneer dropped from his face as the hymns faded and the deacon stood up.

“We’ll talk about this later,” Regulus muttered with less hostility now, as he turned towards the pulpit to hear the message.

Sirius turned back to face the front, feeling like if the breakup had stuck the knife into his gut earlier this week, then this interaction with Reggie had twisted it just as the blood had scabbed around the blade.

He tried to collect himself as they sat through the deacon’s sermon. As the minister went on about life and death and there being a season for both, Sirius felt his heart rate slow. At least Reggie knew now – he’d know that Sirius had left him there because he thought he had been protecting him. He’d thought that Regulus’s timid nature and obedience would protect him from their violence as long as he stayed away.

“We’ll talk about this later,” Reggie had said – there was hope in that – that there would BE a later where they could know each other again. With that small comfort, Sirius focussed on what was happening up the front of the sanctuary.

The deacon had just opened the floor for family to share about the deceased and Sirius sat up to watch Remus stand from the front pew and move towards the wooden pulpit. He stood and looked at the photo of Lyall sitting next to the floral arrangement Sirius had put together for the position.

“The flowers are incredible, by the way,” Regulus grudgingly whispered to him, “sorry for the jibe.”

Sirius gave him a small half smile and turned towards Remus as he began to speak.

***

Remus:

-

Remus climbed up to the pulpit after the hymns and the deacons bit about life and death and God, hearing his heart pounding in his ears. He’d only had a few hours of sleep, awake as he was obsessing about what he wanted to say about Lyall. He rested his hands against the oak of the podium and turned to his left to look at the photo of his father, standing framed in front of Sirius’s magnificent center piece.

The arrangement was somehow entirely true to the way that Remus had described Lyall. Sirius had several large ‘Florentina’ Irises, mostly white, but with a violet center that gave the flowers an overall dove-grey hue. These were offset by massive, green-tinged peace lilies and these bigger blooms were complemented with bursts of periwinkle and ice-blue from the blue bells, light blue hydrangeas, and sprigs of forget-me-nots. This unusual bouquet was simultaneously sharpened and mellowed by the springs of coastal brush and foliage that somehow framed the flowers like they did the cliffs at Lavernock beach, making the flowers seem softer and wilder at the same time. The flowers were arranged in a tall glass vase, the stems of the flowers held in place by the careful arrangement of peach pebbles in the water. It was entirely untraditional. Remus loved it.

The photo that Remus had chosen was the one he had stared at the night he got the call about his father’s passing. It was the photo that showed everything about his father that he wanted to remember. Lyall’s smile in the picture was ginormous, kind, and absolutely besotted with the woman standing next to him. He looked down at her like he never wanted to look away – a look filled with promise and as hopeful as the woman who was named for that virtue.

With a deep breath, he turned back to the congregation and began to speak.

“I want to thank you all for being here today,” he began, “especially those of you who have had to make special trips in. Thank you for coming to give Lyall a proper send-off.”

“Lyall Lupin was born in Penarth to Arthur and Alys. He spent his days bunking off school and hunting for fossils on the beach,” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a fossil his father had given him when he was seven. He still used it as a paperweight. He smoothed the pad of his thumb over the pebble, feeling the indent of the spiral shell of a long-dead beastie in its surface.

He held up the fossil, “He told me that those were some of his best childhood memories,” continued, smirking “that when he was little, he wanted to become the Indiana Jones of Wales – digging up the truth of the Arthur legends for his da.” There was a light smattering of fond chuckles.

“Later, when he realised how little archaeologists get paid,” there were a few more laughs at that, “he dreamed of being a Welsh Rugby player.” Remus looked up to see sad smiles and a few attendees sniffing into their sleeves.

“However,” Remus paused significantly with a raised brow, “If you ever met Lyall, you know I inherited my build from his side of the family.” He stopped for a beat to deliver the punchline, “You probably also know that beanstalks tend to snap under high impact.” There were some real laughs now – still bittersweet, but genuine. “So,” he continued, “he ended up with a job in a pub in Cardiff instead, and that’s where one Christmas season he met a petite blonde named Hope.” Remus smiled fondly.

“His favourite story ever to tell was how he won her over with the cheesiest chat-up line there was. It goes something like this:

What is a wolf’s favourite time of the year? "

Remus paused.

"- The Howl-o-days”

Remus smiled while the groans and giggles filled the sanctuary and he chanced a look up to the Black brothers. He noticed that Sirius’s head was thrown back onto the back of the pew as he giggled helplessly while Regulus was rolling his eyes in a long-suffering, but relaxed manner. He smiled privately, glad that whatever tension there was between them seemed to have released somewhat.

“Lucky for him,” he began again, “and for all of us, she forgave his terrible wolf pun, and a year and a half later they got married in a Lavernock meadow in the early Summer.”

He met Sirius’s eyes this time. He thought back to yesterday morning and saw again the way the Welsh sun had made Sirius glow from the tip of his head to the tips of his toes as he’d collected flowers in the field outside of Lavernock. He remembered with a warm glow how Sirius had run into the meadow – the smile on his face looking like the universe had put it and the flowers there just for him, just for this exact moment. Sirius's lip quirked sweetly, encouraging Remus to continue. Remus did, still looking at Sirius, drawing strength from his steady gaze.

“A few years later I came into the picture,” he started again.

“My memories from the early years are of bed-time stories – he hated the ‘silly cardboard children’s books’” – here Remus put on a deeper voice in imitation of his father and a few people chuckled in appreciation – “He went straight to the good stuff, giving me an early introduction to The Hobbit and Charles Dickens,” Remus smiled slightly when Sirius smiled wider and shook his head in mild exasperation.

“He also took us to Lavernock beach every year to celebrate his and mum’s anniversary. We would camp and swim and walk the cliffs and he would teach me the lore of the coast between Penarth and Lavernock – about smugglers and marauders using the caves as hide-aways and about the birds of Rhiannon ‘lulling the living to sleep and the dead to wake’.”

He paused then looked down.

“When we would go swimming in the ocean – before I could go in on my own– he would tell me to get on his back, and put my arms around his neck, and he’d paddle us around until we hit the swell of a wave. When that happened, he’d duck us down underneath it and for a few moments, it would just be him and I. like one person. Under the waves like we were sea creatures or merpeople. And I knew that if I just held on, he would take care of the rest.”

***

Sirius

-

Remus had paused. Sirius strained forwards in his seat, waiting for Remus to go on, captured by this window into Remus’s childhood.

Remus looked up into the middle distance, not looking at any one person in particular before going on.

“When I was 9, my mother passed.” He said in a heavy tone.

“It wasn’t until she was gone that I realised just how much he had loved her. Because it was like when she went, my father went with her,” Remus looked down at the podium fighting tears. Sirius’s heart squeezed tightly for him.

“And really who can blame him,” He asked quietly, shrugging like it was the most understandable thing, “Hope Lupin was like the moon – bringing light into all of the dark spaces, inviting life and mystery in equal measure, entrancing and magical.”

Sirius took a sharp breath in.

He was thinking that it must be hereditary.

In his mind’s eye he saw Remus back in Lavernock, framed by the swaying beach grass as he sat on a blanket with the light touching his curls– like some kind of vision. Magic made flesh.

“Lyall never recovered from her loss,” Remus was saying. Sirius shook off the trance, wanting to hear what Remus said next.

“He’s returned to her now. I’m sure of it. They’re there in whatever comes after this life where all soulmates reunite for good. And I can think of no other way he’d want to go than still overflowing with love for her.”

Remus said this last part with conviction like Lyall hadn’t loved Hope so hard that he’d forgotten the child she’d left with him – the last piece of her made flesh.

“That we could all be so lucky to be loved so resolutely that it doesn’t stop even when we depart from the world.” Remus shook his head, marveling.

Sirius thought about Mary now. He thought about her words when she said that they both deserved better than a mediocre halfway love that could never be as good as the real thing. He didn’t dwell on it for too long however, Remus wasn’t done yet.

“Lyall taught me that the measure of a man is how well he looks after the people he cares about. He showed me that solid-stone reliability and stubbornness need to be tempered with the soft, mossy greenery of care and compassion. Lyall and Hope were to each other what the grass and moss are to the stone wall, and what the moon is to the darkness of night. Entirely inseparable. Completely inevitable. Cyclical – always coming back to each other.”

Completely inevitable. Something about those words vibrated inside Sirius as if a gong had been struck within him.

He’d never really believed in the concept of soulmates or there being only one person for each of us. Life was too cruel. But when he thought of Lily and James, and the way James had known from the beginning that Lily was it for him, even when they hadn’t got along. He had waited because he knew. He had chosen.

And he thought about what Remus was saying about Lyall and Hope and the way neither could exist without the other, not really. He thought that maybe there had been others that they could have loved, but maybe what made them soulmates was that they chose to give the whole of themselves to one person. when confronted with their feelings, they had chosen to live them.
It was a choice to expose yourself to another and not to flinch at them as they did the same. It was intimacy. It was witness. It was identifying a piece of something you recognized in someone else and realising it made you a better version of yourself.
And it was a hell of a gamble. But god. When it worked it worked. He supposed there might be something divinely ordained about that then. Because in a world of billions of people, what were the odds of finding someone who loved every part of you, even the parts you never wanted to look at yourself? What were the odds of finding someone who looked at you and decided that you were it, all inclusive? That you were made of the same stuff. The enormity of it winded Sirius and he sucked in a deep breath, filling his starving lungs.

Remus looked back toward the photo again as he finished off his eulogy.

“Goodbye da, please tell mum I miss her,” he said almost inaudibly.

And then Sirius thought he might be dying. Because when the Deacon approached Remus on the podium to put a comforting hand on his forearm as he made his way to his seat, Remus looked up and met Sirius’s gaze again. And he forgot to breathe. He forgot he was in a fucking pew in a church. Or that he was sitting beside his brother who he’d not seen in a decade. Or that there was a reckoning to be had between him and his friends in the near future.

Because he was looking into Remus’s eyes, and really - what were the odds?

Notes:

Got lots of feels while writing this one, I hope you like it <3

I really didn't want Sirius and Reg to suffer too much in their reunion. I just wanted them to have the opportunity to find safe spaces with each other- esp after the week Sirius has had.

Chapter 13: I Had No Time to Choose What I Chose to Do

Summary:

Funeral pt.3 and a little bit after: brotherly reunions continue, Reg is very perceptive and Remus composes a text

TW:abuse, coming out, overthinking

Sirius

-

Sirius and Reg were at a pub. Together. In the present day.

Somehow, in what was rapidly becoming one of the most emotionally tumultuous weeks since he left home and went to live with the Potters, Sirius and Reggie were sitting at a filthy booth in a pub he’d never been to, talking about who they had become in the last decade.

When the funeral had ended a little while ago and Sirius had recovered from the religious experience that was listening to Remus talk uninterrupted for 10 minutes, the Black brothers had been at a tenuous, slightly-less-hostile-but-still-not-comfortable truce. Everyone had filed out of the sanctuary, and into the hall for the repast and Sirius and Reg had both hung back and people-watched, a cup of black coffee in Reg’s hand and a napkin balancing a few egg roles resting in Sirius’s.

After a while of awkward silence, the brothers finally caught each other glancing at each other out of the corner of their eyes, rolled those offending orbs simultaneously, and then let out a huff of amusement. Sirius turned to Reg finally, deciding to act like the older brother for once. He took Reg’s coffee out of his hand and placed it by his snack on a surface close by.

“Let me look at you Reggie,” He said quietly, stepping back to take in his brother’s appearance properly. Reg huffed and rolled his eyes again but didn’t move to stop Sirius from assessing him.
Reg was about half a head shorter than him. When they were children, everyone had taken great pleasure in saying they were virtually identical. They had both inherited the inky hair and porcelain skin courtesy of their mother. She had played up that similarity then by dressing them in the same combination of slacks, button down and vest or jacket in various shades of pewter and navy. No individuality for Sirius and Regulus. They were just on a Black-family conveyer belt to become the newer model of their father, the great cunt. They had the same elocution lessons, the same piano lessons and the same horrific humiliation at the hands of their parents when they set even a toe out of line.

It was a relief looking at Reg now to see the way their appearance had acted to defy their parents and their insistence on conforming. Even without the tattoos and the leather and the long hair, Sirius was different to Reg. Where Reg was slight, Sirius had a naturally stockier build. Where Regulus had deep grey eyes, Sirius had ice blue. Where Sirius had always naturally stood with a cocky, relaxed slant to his shoulders (that had got him slapped across the face for insolence more times than he could count), Reg stood with a kind of quiet, dignified air. It was the kind of posture that said, “I’m happy to wait because we both know I’ll get what I want.” Clad as he was in his simple black suit, white button down and black brogues, Sirius saw that his brother had become a man that had been able to make his own path. He was understated in a way that drew attention, making people listen when he talked and making those he cared about feel like the only people in the room when he gave them his attention.

Reg was beginning to look uncomfortable under Sirius’s scrutiny. Not much gave it away, but he still had the same tells from when he was 14, and Sirius noticed the twitch of his nostril as he dropped his gaze from Sirius’s face, never moving his chin.

Regulus startled and an “Oof” was dragged from his lungs as Sirius enveloped him in a crushing hug.

“I’m so proud of you, Reg,” Sirius said into his forehead, kissing it roughly and squeezing him tighter. He felt one of Reg’s arms come around to his back and press lightly back. It was tentative. But it was there.

Just then, Sirius had made eye contact with Remus over the top of Reg’s head, cleared his throat, and let Reggie go.

“We’re going to a pub,” he said decisively, “I just need to make our goodbyes to Remus.”

He turned away and strode toward Remus, who still had his eye firmly trained on Sirius while he continued to speak to one or another well-meaning attendee. Sirius made his way through small groups of people towards him and as he approached, he saw Remus break off mid-sentence with the ghost of a smirk on his face.

“Remus,” Sirius said in a low voice breaking into the circle of people he was conversing with and sidling up to him.

“Sirius,” Remus said quietly turning to him as the other guests became distracted by the food offerings being replaced on the catering table.

“I saw quite the display of brotherly affection just now,” Remus said, smirk deepening and looking back towards Reg, catching his eye over Sirius’s shoulder.

“Yes, well it’s a long story,” Sirius laughed softly, sticking his hands in his pocket and smirking back.

“Will you tell me sometime?” Remus asked, cocking his head to the side as he regarded Sirius.

Remus was smiling and there was something in his eye that Sirius couldn’t put his finger on.

“Sometime? So I’ll see you again?” Sirius could have kicked himself for saying that without thinking of how it must sound to Remus. He sounded desperate. Pathetic.

He winced and started to back pedal when Remus responded.

“Of course,” he said, looking a bit shy now, “We’re friends,” a beat as he looked suddenly uncertain “aren’t we?”

Sirius breathed out; he could do friends.

“Yeah?” he breathed.

“Er, thank you for inviting us, Remus,” Sirius jumped at the sound of Regulus’s voice at his shoulder, “We should be making tracks,” he finished, giving Sirius a meaningful look.

“Oh, of course,” Remus seemed to shake himself to attention, shaking Regulus’s hand and turning to Sirius “thank you again for coming,” he paused before putting his hand out for Sirius to shake.

“I suppose I’ll text you, or… you’ll text me?” Sirius asked feeling ridiculous as he shook the offered hand.

“Let’s see who gets there first,” Remus raised a brow and smirked slightly like it was a challenge, and Sirius felt Regulus pulling his arm towards the door. He was left with the impression of an assessing, warm brown look under floppy auburn curls.

And now there they were, sitting at the Hogshead– He’d thought about going to the Leaky but didn’t want to run into Marlene with Reg in tow – sharing a pint with his little brother.

“So you went to law school before you took up flower sniffing?” Regulus drawled at him in disbelief.

“You know what, I could take offense at your little barb there, but A. I’m interested in seeing just how many creative ways you can find to describe my career in inaccurate, disparaging terms, and B. smelling the flowers is genuinely one of the best parts of the job, so-“ Sirius shrugged leaning forward in the booth.

Regulus smirked, “It was more the chronology I was questioning,” he said raising a brow, “What? Were the tailored suits, fat pay-cheque and generous benefits just not enough?”

Sirius smirked back humourlessly, “It almost killed me Reg,” he said softly, leaning back and taking a sip of his lager. “I was like this wraith walking around, constantly on edge, waiting for the next shoe to drop and for everyone to figure out I didn’t belong there.”

“You look a bit like a wraith right now, as it happens,” Regulus said, blunt as ever, “You sure the switch was worth it?”

Sirius took a second to consider how much to tell Reg.

“It’s been a particularly eventful week,” he started.

Reg hummed, assessing him with narrowed eyes.

“Does it have anything to do with a certain auburn-haired, ridiculously tall, usually jumper-clad, but unusually rolled sleeve shirt wearing editor?” he stopped raising a brow as he took a sip, “a mutual friend, potentially?” He said the word ‘friend’ as if he’d heard the exchange earlier.

“The responsibility for my wraith-like countenance cannot be laid at the feet of said strapping editor,” Sirius said as he finished his drink and motioned to the barman for another.

Regulus frowned and elaborated, “that doesn’t sound like it doesn’t involve him, though,” he said slowly.

Sirius looked at his brother wondering where to start. He decided to take a note out of Regulus’s book and come right out with it (no pin intended).

“Until Tuesday just passed I had been in a heterosexual relationship for the last three years,” He smirked with satisfaction as Reg coughed, surprised.

“It ended because I finally decided it was time for the rest of the world to find out what I’ve been keeping to myself for the last few years,” He raised his brows as Regulus’s eyes widened.

“I came out to my girlfriend, she dumped me, and the next morning, as I was wallowing in self-pity and guilt, in walked our mutual, Tawney-haired friend to my humble little shop to order flowers for his father’s funeral.”

Regulus was sitting with his mouth hanging open in shock.

“So – Sorry, you met Remus on Wednesday after your GIRLFRIEND broke up with you?” Regulus asked, putting it all together.

“Correct.”

“And you were in a straight relationship with a woman-“

“Well I hardly think any other dynamic would be classed as heterosexual-“ Sirius drawled sarcastically.

“Shut up,” Reg snapped as he went on, and Sirius smiled fondly at how little their dynamic had changed even after a decade of absence, “So why exactly is it that it took you three years to put together that you’re gay, when all it took for me to work it out was watching you flirt with my mate from work at his father’s funeral?”

Sirius blushed.

“You heard him, Reg, we’re friends…” He said passively. Not sure why he had felt elated when Remus had said it earlier but now all he felt was hollow.

“And how is it that you two FRIENDS looked like you wanted to rip each other’s clothes off after only 2 days and a florist order?” Regulus ended, looking perplexed and amused.

Sirius groaned. Trying to figure out how to put the last two and a half days into a sentence that would make sense. Then he seemed to hear what Reg had said for the first time.

“Wait, you put it together?” He said in confusion, “And sidebar – I did not look at him like I want to rip his clothes off,” Sirius sputtered, mortified. Had Remus seen it? Did he feel uncomfortable?

“That you were gay? Yes, Sirius, I knew you were gay. I’ve had my suspicions since you were 15,” Regulus dead-panned in response, “And relax I said you were BOTH undressing each other with your eyes.”

Regulus said it with such a matter-of-fact tone. Like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Sirius felt heat in his cheeks and took a sip of his beverage to avoid looking too pleased.

“I thought, maybe, that’s why you left at first,” Reg said, looking down suddenly into his glass, “The gay thing, you know?” He suddenly seemed small in the booth as he sat with Sirius.

“Oh Reg.” Sirius breathed.

“Maybe it was part of it? I don’t know, I can’t say I gave my sexuality much thought at the time, but I just knew that I had to get out of there. I knew that there was something in me that would kill or be killed if I stayed and I wasn’t prepared to see which would come first.” He shoved his hands through his hair roughly, breathing deeply.

“I could never just sit and take it from them,” He continued quietly, “I’d always resolve to behave and let it go, and then it would come to it and I’d feel that twisting in my gut like it just wasn’t fair or right or decent and I just refused to take it. Even when I didn’t say it, they could see it in me, the defiance and refusal-”

“I remember,” Reg said thoughtfully, “I remember thinking that if I could be a fraction as brave as you always were when you stood up to them, then I could do anything.”

“You were always my first reason for doing it, you know,” Sirius said looking into Reg’s stormcloud eyes.

“Those times when I actively started shit or talked back – it was almost always-“

“To protect me,” Reg said mournfully, “I know.”

They sat looking at each other for a long time.

Sirius felt that guilt and shame again. How could he sit there telling Reg that protecting him had been his priority when he'd left him there? He was on the cusp of apologising for it when Reg spoke first.

“It’s okay, you know,” Reg said finally, and Sirius knew he was referring to all of it: Sirius being gay, the ten years of separation, and leaving him behind.

He was forgiving Sirius. Inexplicably. Something unclenched inside him for the first time in a decade.

This time, when Sirius cried, it was in relief. And Regulus cried with him, holding his hand across the filthy table.

***

Remus

-

Remus sat in his house after the funeral and tried and failed to compose a text.

-

R: Thanks for coming today,
did you and Reg talk?

-

Remus backspaced, shaking his head. He didn’t want to pry about Sirius and Regulus’s relationship.
he tried again.

-

R: Hope your talk with
Reg went well,
thank you both for
coming.

-

Remus deleted what he’d typed again. It still looked like he was prying. And he’d also thanked them both multiple times for coming, it was starting to look like he was just looking for an excuse to text Sirius now. Which of course was exactly what was happening.

At the repast, Remus had been standing in a group of well-meaning, if chatty neighbors of his fathers’ when over the white-haired lady in front of him he’d seen Sirius absolutely attack Reg with a hug. He also did not miss the unmistakably pleased and surprised look on Regulus’s face as Sirius had let him go. He was dying to know what the story was, of course, but he didn’t want to push either of them to speak about something that clearly carried so much baggage with it.

-

R: I think I’ve finally stopped
Kicking myself for not realising
You and Reg were related.

-

Remus thought that beginning had promise; it was light-hearted and self-deprecating – acknowledging the awkward moment from earlier without being nosy.
Now, how to end the text that left an opener for future interaction.

-

R:...
You’re seeing your friends tonight
Aren’t you?

-

Remus deleted that last question. He didn’t want to make Sirius overthink the dinner he was attending where he’d see Mary – he knew he’d be doing that already. But he also wanted Sirius to know he was thinking about him – wishing him well for what would undoubtedly be a difficult evening.

-

R: ...
Try not to worry about ton-

-

Remus deleted that too. Nothing made someone worry quite like someone telling them not to.

Fuck. When did texting become so bloody hard?

Just as Remus was gearing up for another attempt, his phone vibrated in his hand, startling him. The notification showed a new text message from Sirius.

-

S: Just had a pint with my
previously estranged brother,
that I reconnected with after
the funeral I both did the flowers
for and attended. Now about to
go talk to my ex in prep for a
totally not-awkward dinner with
our mutual
friends

S: So just a normal fucking day,
right?

-
Remus huffed a laugh in surprise. But before he could figure out how to follow that up His phone buzzed again.

-

S: How are you holding up
After this morning?

-

Remus typed out a reply:

-

R: Shit, what karmic deity
Did you piss off for that
kinda day?

R:I’m okay, think I’ve finally
recovered from kicking
myself for not clocking
that you and Reg are
brothers.
otherwise, I’m okay – just
tired now it’s over.

-

He sent the replies and immediately regretted them for two reasons. Firstly, Sirius might read his flippant joke about karma like he’d brought it on himself and Remus did not want to reinforce that notion knowing what he now knew.
Secondly, admitting he was tired felt an awful lot like looking for sympathy and that was one thing Remus could not tolerate in himself. He was on the verge of sending an intensely back-peddley text when Sirius’s replies came back in quick succession.

-

S: It’s def some kind of
punishment for tricking
my art teacher in secondary
into using lube as ‘superglue’.

S: Omg I am never gonna
let you hear the end of
that. You should have
seen your face when you
put 2+2 together. I want
it framed and hung over
my mantel.

S: You should nap. Nothing
tires you out like grief.

S: I’ll text you in the morning
to let you know I made it
through the rest of the
karmic joke that is today.

-

R: Okay we’re putting a
pin in that because I def
need to hear THAT story.

R: Although I don’t know if
its worse than when I convinced
our secondary school-paper
editor that a ‘blowie’ was
a really bad windstorm
and they published the
headline that all of Scotland
was bracing for the blowie
of a decade.

R: Haha – the caption could
read ‘professional fact-checker
misses some fairly
obvious clues.'

R: Please do. I’m sort of invested
in your survival now.

-

Remus typed the last sentence and pressed send before he could overthink it.

He went through to his wardrobe and pulled on a pair of grey sweatpants and a black long-sleeve t-shirt before slumping into the covers of his bed, rapidly losing the battle against his heavy eyelids.

Notes:

Next time: James and Lil's monthly mandatory sit-down-and-talk dinner.

Thank you for reading, commenting, leaving kudos and bookmarking. <3

Chapter 14: I Just Wanted You to Know, That This is Me Trying

Summary:

Mary and Sirius talk, and the marauders have a jam sesh.

TW: discussions about coming out, slightly insensitive friends (they mean well, but still)

Sirius

-

Sirius’s motorbike pulled up to Mary’s mother’s house at about 5pm on Friday evening.

The plan was that they’d sit and talk (like adults) about how they wanted to handle the breakup before Sirius left to head over to James and Lil’s place on his own. Mary would follow on her own later.

He pulled off his helmet as he swung off the bike. He was relieved to see that Mary’s mother’s car wasn’t parked outside. He’d been looking forward to THAT confrontation even less than the one this visit with Mary promised.

Sirius stood on the drive staring at the house trying to convince his legs to work – to move. But he was frozen.

Was she still mad? She was probably still mad – she had a right to be. Would she demand he tell everyone at the dinner? Fuck. How did he feel about ripping the band-aid off? Did he want to? He couldn’t quite decipher the way his pulse increased when he thought about that.

On one hand, he was still terrified that they’d want nothing to do with him after they knew that he was not only gay but that he’d hidden it and strung Mary along for three years. But his pub reunion with Reg had made him feel less hopeless about the whole thing in general.
It turned out that the people you loved could forgive a lot of things with enough time. Maybe if he gave them time, Lily, James, and Pete would be okay with it too?

He wondered whether there was any future in which enough time could make Mary forgive him. His chest hurt when he considered the possibility that their friendship may never recover from the betrayal. It was comparable to losing an arm. He couldn’t imagine that life would ever feel the same if he didn’t see Mary smiling in that long-suffering way when he pulled a stupid prank or laughing at him when he accidentally ordered the ‘hot’ option when they got in a curry for dinner. She was such a fixture in his life. When he’d see orchids come into the shop, he would think of the corsage he made her for James and Lily’s wedding. When he heard Fall-Out-Boy on the radio he thought about how she sang ‘Sugar We’re Going Down’ almost every morning in the shower.

In a lot of ways, she had been as important as James – in some ways more. And James was fucking important.

Just as he had that realisation, Mary opened the front door to the house and leaned against the door jam.

“Saw you arrive,” she said, “about ten minutes ago…” she trailed off giving him an assessing look.

“Thought I’d put you out of your misery,” she finished with a wry smile.

“Can I come in?” Sirius asked, meekly making his way toward the door.

She stepped aside in answer, letting him pass as he made his way through the entry.

He stood in the hallway, not sure where to go. He had once known this house like the back of his hand. They had stayed here for a few weeks while they closed on the flat they had bought together. Now he felt like a stranger there.

She stood looking at him, then seemed to deflate.

“Can I make you some tea?” she asked and offered him a sad smile.

He nodded gratefully, following her to the kitchen. As she busied herself fetching mugs and putting on the kettle, Sirius took a seat at the kitchen bench on a stool.

“I want to start by apologising,” he said, keeping his eyes fixed on the wooden countertop.

“I should have said something so much sooner.”

She hadn’t said anything and he looked up. She was leaned against the opposite counter facing him waiting for the kettle to boil. As he met her gaze, she let out a breath.

“Thank you,” she started and Sirius couldn’t read her expression.

“I want us to sell the flat,” she said bluntly.

“Okay,” he said taken aback at her bluntness.

Her face softened.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “That came out harshly,”

“No- I get it,” Sirius hurried, “I don’t know how to handle this either.”

They both huffed a humorless laugh.

“Do you want me to handle the sale?” He asked, picking up where she left off.

“Well you do have that law degree,” she said, a hint of teasing in her tone now, but it was still only halfway there, “we can save on lawyers' fees,” she said with a sad little smirk as she put a mug down in front of him.

“Yeah,” he said “might as well make some use of it.”

He placed his hand around the mug and let the warmth of the cup seep into his skin, watching the beige liquid swirling in the cup from where she had stirred in the milk.

The awkward silence that followed stretched out between them with no end in sight.

Sirius felt it stretched out like an over-tightened guitar string and he worried that breaking the silence now would cause the string to snap and take out an eye.

“What did you end up saying to Lil?” He said to get the sting of the snapped cord over with.

“Just that we ended things,” she said, and Sirius was relieved not to hear a bite in her tone, “She asked for details, of course,”

“Of course,”

“But I asked her to give us some space,” She finished.

“That’s more or less where I left things with James too,” Sirius gave.

He looked up at her again, meeting her gaze.

She was looking at him with a mixture of hurt and discomfort, but the longer Sirius looked, the more Mary must have seen the pain reflected back at her. Her eyes softened some more, and now she looked more like his Mary, who sat through arguments and misunderstandings with that empathetic look that told Sirius that she wanted to understand. She sat like that, waiting for him to say what he had come here to say.

Gathering his courage, Sirius tried to put his feelings into words.

“I don’t know how I feel about telling the rest of them the full story,” he began. “I’m petrified that they’ll see me differently. But I also know that I can’t hide it from them. Not for long anyway. And I can’t drive anyone else away with my secrets.”

He looked down, going on.

“I want to say that we should just rip the band-aid off and tell them tonight,”

“Are you sure?” She asked, interrupting him.

“No,” he answered honestly, “I’m so scared that the moment I do, I’ll have ruined everything for good-”

“Sirius,” she interrupted, “I feel like I have to apologise now.”

He looked up at her in surprise.

“I’ve had a few days to think about how we left things,” she started, looking down at her mug, “and the more I think about it, the more I think that there was no ‘good’ way to do it,”

Sirius stared at her. He dared not hope. Not twice in a day.

“I think I can understand,” she went on, “I can’t imagine what it was like growing up like you did and being confronted with that,” she said quietly.

“Don’t get me wrong,” she looked up sharply, “I’m still pissed off and hurt,” Sirius nodded at her frantically.

“You have every right to be, Mary,” Sirius said leaning forward on the table earnestly. He hoped she saw how sorry he was, how he knew what he had done could have been handled differently.

“But I think in my hurt and anger,” she kept going, “I forgot to remind you that you’re not a monster.”

Sirius cracked open. It was so Mary. The way she had always seen right through him.

She looked at his presumably devastated expression and a hint of the compassion and love that he’d always seen there bled into her face.

“I’m sorry if I made you feel like you weren’t a victim in this as well,” She said, almost whispering, and Sirius’s vision blurred, “I’m sorry if I made you feel like that bullshit they told you was the truth, that no one could love you if you were gay.”

She stood and reached across the counter, putting her hands over his where they sat holding his undrunk mug of tea. His head dropped and the tears collecting in the corners of his eyes rolled down his cheeks as he dropped his head to the surface.

“I don’t know,” She paused for a second before continuing, “I don’t know if we’ll ever be close again, Sirius,” He nodded helplessly, his forehead rubbing against the surface of the counter, “but I do want to try to forgive you.”

Sirius lifted his head to find her face much closer to his than he had expected. He blinked and she placed a soft kiss on his cheek.

“I’ll leave it to you,” she said looking into his eyes steadily, “I won’t force you to tell them until you’re ready,” she leaned back to her side of the counter again, taking her hands away from his.
He took a shaky sip of his tea.

“But I need you to know,” she started again, “that whether they take it well or not has nothing to do with whether or not you deserve their acceptance.”

Sirius sniffed, overwhelmed.

“You’ve done nothing wrong by being gay.”

__________

Sirius made it to Lily and James’s house around seven.

He knocked on the door, and went in without waiting for someone to answer – it was more a courtesy than anything else anyway. Before Mary, Sirius had almost spent more time at James and Lily’s than he had anywhere else.

As he closed the front door, he heard the tell-tale sounds of a galivanting giant running down the stairs and so it was really not a surprise to Sirius when he found himself nearly flattened by James Potter.

As he drew air into his flattened lungs and James pulled away, he caught James’s assessing, concerned expression as he looked at Sirius.

“I just came from her mum’s place,” Sirius said in answer to James’s unspoken question.

James raised his eyebrows, that concerned expression lingering.

“So am I getting you a beer or a fifth of tequila?” James asked hesitantly.

“Beer,” James breathed in relief as Sirius answered with an equally relieved laugh, “definitely beer.”

“So what’s the plan then?” James said, taking Sirius under his arm in a headlock and dragging him up the stairs to the kitchen, “are we winning her back??”

“Ugh, let my head go, James,” Sirius’s voice muffled out from James’s armpit, “Jesus, do you even use deodorant?” He grunted as he shoved James off.

James looked at him pointedly, waiting for him to answer the question.

“We’re finished James,” Sirius said, meeting his gaze steadily, “she’s moved out and we’re selling the flat.”

James’s face fell.

“It’s alright,” Sirius said shrugging past his best friend as he climbed the rest of the stairs, “let’s just play some tunes, eh?”

Sirius got to the top of the flight of stairs and opened the door to the den, taking in Pete already setting up his keyboard.

Sirius barely had time to brace before he was tackled in another rib-shattering hug.

“Hey, mate,” Sirius said, hugging Pete back.

“What the fuck did you do??” Pete pulled away from Sirius who felt dread settle in his stomach again.

“Pete, we talked about letting him get his head around it before we interrogate him-”

Sirius heard this from behind him as he stepped around Pete, flustered and heart still hammering as he picked up his acoustic guitar that lived in James’s den.

“I just want to know if it’s coz she finally noticed how much of the joint account’s outgoings were paying for Sirius’s hair products?” Pete said, raising his hands like he was just asking.

Sirius’s nostrils flared as he took some deep breaths.

He could feel the dread giving way to the kind of spiteful feelings he used to indulge in when he was much younger and had read fewer self-help books. He set down the guitar and started towards the door to leave the room before Pete stepped in front of him, a genuinely apologetic look on his face.

“I’m sorry, mate,” He said sincerely, “You know I’m crap at this stuff – always try to deflect with humour,” He stepped back from Sirius like he could be burned from the intensity of Sirius’s look.

“I was genuinely sad to hear it happened though,” Pete said, walking back to his keyboard.

Sirius took a breath to calm himself, thinking Pete probably didn’t mean anything by it and deciding to drop it.

“Are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?” Pete asked looking up from his instrument with genuine concern.

James finally moved toward his drum set from where he’d been frozen by the door, presumably ready to intervene if Sirius and Pete had come to blows.

“Apparently she’s moved out, they’re selling the flat and he just wants to play,” James said with a shrug, shooting a look to Sirius that said ‘we are not done on that front.’

Pete, laughed humourlessly as he sat behind his board and Sirius picked up his acoustic again, taking the beer James offered in his other hand. He sat and took a sip, then put the bottle down to tune his guitar.

“It’s not that I don’t wanna talk,” He started quietly, not missing the way that James and Pete froze with what they were doing to hear him speak for the first time since he entered the room, “It’s just that I’m processing," he finally ground out.

Pete and James shared a look. Sirius knew that they were worried. Getting Sirius to talk had never been a problem. The last time he’d sat and stewed about something without telling them it had been in the immediate lead-up to quitting the law firm and signing up for the horticulture course.

When Sirius stopped talking it meant something big was up. Sometimes it was awful being known so well.

Sirius sighed.

“Let’s just play, yeah?” He asked tiredly.

“The usual warm-up?” James asked cautiously, Sirius nodded and Pete gave a thumbs up.

James, Sirius, and Pete had started The Marauders while they had shared a dorm in their secondary boarding school. Once upon a time they had dreamed of getting signed with a record and becoming proper rock stars, but then school had ended and Sirius had decided he needed to prove he didn’t need his father to be successful, Pete decided to follow his passion for food and enrolled in a chef’s course and James had started the foundation.

They still played at least a few times a month though, more of a jam session than anything else. He saw James at least once a week when they’d meet for lunch and he saw Pete at least during the monthly dinner – his schedule as a professional chef being unpredictable and incompatible with Sirius’s most of the time – but they always set aside at least once a month to pick up their dusty instruments and play together like old times.

Pete began to play the opening chords to their well established warm-up song and Sirius sang the opening lines:

Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies-
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly

James joined him for the harmony on the last line of the bar:

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes

Sirius and James joined Pete with guitar and the drums as the rhythm picked up, and Sirius sang the lyrics that gradually picked up speed with the melody as James thumped the *one* *two* *three* and all three of them sang the chorus:

Lucy in the sky with diamonds! Lucy in the sky with diamonds! Lucy in the sky with diamonds! Ahhhhhhhh-haaaaa

They went through the rest of the song, the familiar and ridiculous lyrics having a soothing and cheering effect on all of them generally. Sirius began to relax, enjoying the feeling of steel strings under his fingers and the wood under his arm.

Notes:

* jazz hands * surprise second upload for the weekend
I had the house to myself and not much else to do so *gestures to this and the next few chapters.*

As always thank you for reading and commenting your feedback <3

Chapter 15: I Find Myself Running Home to Your Sweet Nothings

Summary:

A dinner party, an ill-timed proposition, an invitation

TW: plotting friends, the social implications of chronic illness

Sirius:

-

They were all sitting at James and Lily’s dinner table and it was awkward.

Everyone had taken their normal seats before anyone had the sense to think it through, which meant that Pete sat at the head of the table across from Marlene, Lily and James sat next to each other on one side of the table, which left Sirius and Mary sitting next to each other facing them.

James at least had the decency to throw sympathetic looks Sirius’s way all throughout dinner as Sirius and Mary made a science of not brushing arms accidentally and making conversation with the people to their other sides.

It was at that point when Sirius remembered that Marlene had been around to witness at least part of the interactions with Remus earlier. With a sense of unease, he remembered how Regulus had described those interactions as ‘undressing each other with their eyes.” He hoped that Marlene wouldn’t feel it necessary to say something about it at this juncture in the proceedings.

With this anxiety-producing thought stuck in his head, Lily took that opportunity to make an announcement. She cleared her throat and looked meaningfully at James who suddenly looked delighted.

“Erm, if we could have the floor please,” he said with a faux-serious voice, standing and rushing off to the kitchen while Lily straightened in her seat, glowing.

“So I know it’s been a rough week for some of us,” she started, throwing a sympathetic wince toward Sirius and Mary, “But we really didn’t want to wait to share some happy news.”

With an inkling of what the news was already, Sirius sat up, already feeling bubbles of excitement under his sternum.

“She’s up the duff!” James yelled, sprinting from the direction of their bedroom holding an ultra-sound image above his head while Lily rolled her eyes in exasperation and pinched the bridge of her nose.

Sirius whooped, putting his thumb and pointer finger between his lips as he wolf-whistled and Pete threw his fist in the air like it was the end of The Breakfast Club.

“Yes, thank you, James, for announcing that so respectfully,” She shoved his shoulder playfully as he passed the image around, “stop it, you two – don’t encourage him,” she turned fondly to their side of the table and glaring with no real heat. Mary had gone around to Lily’s seat to hug her in congratulations and Marline was squealing in her seat.

In a second, Sirius and Pete were up out of their seats and rushing James, looping their arms around his neck and all jumping together while they hugged him like some kind of post-win huddle.

“When are you due?” Marlene took her turn looking at the image, her face split into the biggest smile.

“Early January!” James said, detaching himself from the lads and putting his arm around Lily, and looking into her eyes with besotted joy.

“Thank you, James I can speak,” She quipped and turned back to Marlene, “I’m about six weeks – I know it’s early to tell people, but we were so happy that we couldn’t not share this with you lot!”

Lily was always beautiful. She had that contrasting colouring with her dark red curls and peaches and cream complexion and those striking emerald eyes. But happy as she was right now, glowing with joy and love and excitement, he thought he’d never seen her so radiant apart from on her wedding day.

She and James made the most beautiful couple. They gazed at each other with devotion, their soft looks and smiles saying more to each other than language ever could. When they both resumed their seats at the table, James having collected the ice-cream and toppings from the freezer for desert, Sirius saw James move to take Lily’s hand and bring it up to his hand in a tender kiss. His heart squeezed with joy for his friends.

“I didn’t know you were even trying,” Mary said at his side and he chanced a look at her to find a genuine smile gracing her mouth, but he saw it didn’t quite reach her eyes. He felt a pang of guilt. Had she seen this in their future together? Was she regretting her kindness to him earlier in trying to forgive him? He pushed the thought away, not wanting James to catch his anxious expression and have it dampen his excitement.

“We weren’t,” Lily said shrugging happily, “Just a very happy surprise.”

James kissed her cheek and handed out bowels for dessert and they all spent a pleasant few minutes scooping flavours and choosing their preferred toppings.

“It does bring us to another proposal we may have spoken about,” Lily began, looking between Mary and Sirius with a calculating twinkle in her eye.

“Er, maybe we should wait on that-” James began in an undertone to Lily, but she didn’t hear before she blurted, “We want you two to be the kid’s godparents.”

Sirius paused with a spoon full of strawberry ice cream from his hanging-open mouth. His eyes shot to James in panic and his spoon clattered to the bowel.

James caught the look and whispered quickly in Lily’s ear. Lily frowned as she listened and whispered back. Sirius saw her frown in confusion and heard her hiss “…were going to talk?” into James’s ear before he turned to look at Mary to see his despairing look reflected back at him on her face as she looked back at him.

From the corner of his eye, Sirius saw Pete’s head go between Sirius and Mary on one side and James and Lily having a furiously whispered conversation on the other. Marlene looked down into her bowel with her eyebrows raised into her hairline like she wished she was anywhere else.

“…could get back together!” Sirius heard Lily whisper furiously.

Then he realised why James had seemed so disappointed earlier when he had stated that Mary and he were categorically not getting back together. They were hoping to create the perfect avenue for Sirius and Mary to reconcile as they navigated being godparents. It was just the kind of thing James and Lily would have done if they thought that Mary and Sirius were just having a temporary spat and would eventually work it out.

“Er, Obviously it would be an absolute honour,” he said smiling at the table, but it was more of a wince.

Suddenly Sirius couldn't stay there. He needed to leave. He got up from the table abruptly, his chair making a scraping noise on the tiles.

“I have to uh, go. Big week. I’m really so chuffed for you guys, though,” he said, looking up and smiling genuinely at Lily and James, before, turning and fleeing down the stairs, ignoring James calling after him.

***

Remus

-

Remus was feeling frustrated with himself. It was almost 11 pm and he was nowhere close to being sleepy.

He’d fucked-up in the classic manner of forgetting to set an alarm when he went for his nap at around 4pm, and then woken up almost five hours later as it began to near nine.

Now Remus was stuck in the same position he’d have been in about 3 hours earlier if he’d woken up at 6, but now there were no good shows to watch on television, no light left for a walk and only him and his empty flat to keep him company as the hour grew later.

For nostalgia's sake, he sat in front of the fireplace in the living room, thinking.

Brooding really.

Remus, once again, was reflecting on dismal his social life.

A long time ago, Remus had realised that he would never be the type of person who had a regular friend group. He had friends, but it was more like he had one or two people with whom he met once a month to ‘catch up’ with.
He knew these people had their own established friend groups that he was not a part of. They had the kind of social circles that had a regular routine and mutual hobbies to keep them in touch and involved in each other’s lives. They met for yoga, and went on holiday together or had a regular drinks night. They texted each other funny pictures and checked in when there were important events in each other’s lives.
Remus on the other hand got to hear the spark-notes version of their lives whenever they had time to catch up. He saw their Instagram stories from weekend hikes and saw their engagement announcements on Facebook.

When he’d been younger, he was never in school long enough not to be the weird kid who was always going to the sick bay or marked absent. He had sat on his own with his books and worked on the school paper. In his final years at secondary, he’d had a better time of it health-wise – to the point where the doctors were convinced he was outgrowing the JIA and making decent strides.
By that point, he was just the quiet kid who sold cigarettes behind the school shed. He learned early on that shopkeepers never asked questions to a kid with a walking stick and so became adept at shoplifting gear to sell for some pocket money.

That was also when he discovered how much he loved to write. Everybody else had their friends to discuss their crushes and problems with, but Remus had his books and journals. He’d taken some poetry and creative writing electives when he did his journalism degree and found that very few things comforted him like seeing his thoughts reflected back at him in the form of the written word.
When it was down on paper, he could treat it like something he could analyse and puzzle out – a source he was fact-checking or a story he was trying to understand.

That’s how Remus found himself sitting in front of his un-lit fire the night after his father’s funeral, writing non-fiction in a leatherbound journal when his phone buzzed.

Remus checked the clock. It was 11.30 and Sirius had sent him a text.

-

S: Well, I survived, but it turns out that
the karmic deities have a
sense of humour.

-

Remus struggled between feelings of concern at the sarcastic tone of the text and feeling pleased that Sirius had kept his promise to text with how the rest of the day had been.

-

R: Oh, no – that bad?

-

Remus watched the blue lines start and stop and start again like Sirius was either typing a very long message or otherwise starting and then deleting whatever he had typed.

-

S: It’s not life-ending, but it’s
Bad enough that I don’t feel
Like a text would do it justice.

-

Remus considered for a second.

-

R: Where are you? Can you take a call?

-

S: I’m at the shop, I’ll call you, hold on.

-

The next moment, Remus was accepting a video call and Sirius’s face popped up on the screen of his smartphone.

“Hey,” Remus said, moving to sit at the dining table to settle his phone down on the wooden surface and leaning it against a mug so he could talk to Sirius hands-free, “Everything okay?”

Sirius was leaning his forearms against a silver surface that looked like a stainless steel worktop. He’d obviously propped his phone against something too because he sat on a stool with one leg bent and crossed on his knee so he could lean his elbow onto it and support his head as he looked at the screen.

“I don’t really know how to answer that question,” Sirius answered quietly rubbing his temple tiredly.

Remus rested his chin on his hand and winced sympathetically.

“Do wanna start with what happened when you and Reg left the funeral?”

That seemed to perk Sirius up and Remus felt a small thrill at being able to divert him from whatever had him looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“Honestly, I’m still trying to wrap my head around that,” Sirius said, smiling a little to himself.

“You should probably know the summarised history before I tell you what happened,” he started, bringing up his knee and resting his foot on the seat he was sitting on so he could rest his chin on it and wrapping his arms around the limb as he talked.

“Okay,” Remus said, trying to sound encouraging.

“I left home when I was sixteen,” Sirius started, “I had had enough of my parent’s bullshit and I went to live with James – the mate I told you about?”

“I remember,” Remus nodded for his to go on.

“Well, Reg stayed with them,” Sirius said quietly, and the expression on his face said everything he didn’t say. The little frown between his brows spoke of his worry, and his bottom lip was pulled between his teeth as if the fact he had left his brother behind still caused him pain.

“I tried to get him to come with,” Sirius was quick to continue, maybe mistaking Remus’s silence for judgment, “and I kept going back to try to get him to change his mind-”

“Sirius, you don’t have to explain leaving an abusive household. And you were both just kids, you were both just trying to survive.”

Sirius paused as he took in what Remus had said in his interruption. He nodded like he was reluctantly agreeing.

“That’s more or less what he said today, actually,” Sirius replied the worried look on his face lifting, “He apparently left as well when he was eighteen, and today we spoke about it a little and he said it was okay. He forgave me.”

Sirius gave a crooked smile at Remus through the screen and hugged his leg harder. He looked so small perched there on the chair and Remus wished he could reach through the screen and pull Sirius onto his lap and hold him until it was all okay again.

“I’m so glad, Sirius,” Remus replied softly.

“He also said he wasn’t surprised that I’m gay,” he laughed then, looking away from the camera as he seemed to hide a smile.

“He was supportive, then?”

“Very,” Sirius said nodding, still not looking at the camera, “He’s very perceptive, always has been.”

Remus laughed.

“That he is,” Remus thought of the cups of tea and Regulus checking on him when he had to work from home.

“And then I saw Mary,” Sirius moved to sit fully on the stool, bringing his leg down so he could lean forward onto the steel surface.

“How did that go?” Remus asked cautiously.

“We’re selling the flat,”

“Okay, and how do you feel about that?”

“I’m relieved actually,” Sirius winced, “I hate being there with all the memories, I barely slept on Thursday night – ended up sleeping on the couch because she’d packed up all her things while we were in Wales and the place just felt wrong.”

Remus nodded again.

“And she apologised,” Sirius said looking overwhelmed.

“She did?” a blossom of hope surged in Remus as he considered that Sirius may have found yet another ally today. This was followed by a surge of apprehension. Would Sirius want to talk to him if his friends were on board? He immediately felt guilty for thinking it. Sirius deserved a support system that was larger than just Remus and Reg.

“Yeah, she said she should have shown me more empathy and reassured me that I wasn’t the monster my parents told me I was.”

He was staring down at the work surface like he couldn’t compute that Mary apparently didn’t think he’d made himself irredeemable with his mistake.

“Of course, she couldn't think that, Sirius,” Remus said kindly, “No one who has spent more than 5 minutes with you would think you were a monster.”

Sirius looked up and there were tears in his eyes again. He sniffed and Remus just wanted to touch him. To reassure him that there would be good things after this. He wanted desperately to comfort Sirius. He wanted to show him that his parents were wrong. Hell, he wanted to march down wherever the fuck they lived and set their house on fire.

“James and Lily are pregnant,” Sirius said suddenly as if they’d finally got to the reason for the call.

“Okay…” Remus said uncertainly.

“They announced that just before they said they want me and Mary to be godparents.”

Remus thought this was a particularly tone-deaf timing for that suggestion and was about to say so when Sirius kept speaking.

“I think they thought that Mary and I were reconciling this afternoon. Because I’d been so cagey about why we’d broken up.”

“Fuck. I’m sorry Sirius, that had to be fucking painful.”

“I looked at her face after Lily asked and I just saw all of the disappointment and hurt on her face all over again. It was like she was being shown exactly what I’d taken away from her – taunted with it.”

He stopped and Remus didn’t know what to say.

“I left,” Sirius said, his head now resting in his hands, “I just got up and came here because I couldn’t go home and I couldn’t go back to James’s.”

“Come here, then.”

Sirius looked up in surprise. Remus was surprised as well at the confidence he felt that this was the right thing to suggest.

“I’m not far from the shop, a short walk really, so you could be here in no time – you can have a pick of a spare room or my couch.”

Sirius just looked at him, eyes huge and unblinking. Remus began to panic and started to try to dig his way out.

“Of course, it’s okay if you don’t want to, it was just an offer-”

“Remus.”

Remus stopped rambling and looked at Sirius through the screen, “Yeah?”

“What’s your address?”

Remus gave Sirius directions to his house and a few minutes later they ended the call. Remus got up out of his chair to make sure the spare room had fresh linen.

10 minutes later, Remus heard the rumble of a motorcycle and twitched the curtains to the side to see outside.

Just as he suspected, Sirius had arrived.

He watched Sirius swing his leg off his bike and shake his hair out of his helmet.

Remus’s mouth went dry as he covertly watched Sirius walk up the path to his door.

Notes:

I know that Harry is canonically born in July, but as this is my non-canon-compliant fic I reserve the right to make it fit my story just like I reserve the right to have flowers blooming in June that may or may not be unseasonal in reality.

Thanks for reading <3

Chapter 16: So I'll try to Talk Refined for Fear That You Find Out How I'm Imaginin' You

Summary:

Sirius and Remus have tea, Remus wears some sweatpants, and Sirius has a very talented tattoo artist

Things got a bit steamy in this chapter. I have adjusted the rating of the fic. Nothing *happens* in this chapter, but the engine is revving, shall we say.
TW: for more coming out chats and vivid imaginations.

Sirius

-

Remus lived in exactly the sort of place Sirius had expected him to. The house was really more of a two-story cottage at the woody end of the cul-de-sac a few blocks from the shop. It was kind of nestled into the end of the street with trees creeping around it in such a way that it looked like it was right out of a children’s story about wolves and witches in the forest.

The building itself had a steeply pitched roof, a chimney, and brick facings. There was a cobblestone path that led from the street where Sirius had parked his bike to the front door.

Sirius parked and swung off the seat, shaking his head out of his helmet. He took off his leather jacket, tying it loosely around his waist, and made his way up the path. There was a window to the left of the door and Sirius saw the curtain on the inside twitch before he stepped up to the door. It opened without him needing to knock.

Remus stood in the doorway, looking just as he had on their video call 10 minutes ago, sleepy and with slightly ruffled hair like he hadn’t looked in the mirror for a little while. He smiled at Sirius on the doorstep and stepped aside with a soft, “In you come,” leading the way into his home.

Now Sirius was walking behind Remus, being guided to the cozy kitchen and he was struggling to figure out where he should look first.

The interior of the house was glowing with a kind of earthy, slightly rustic charm – all dark browns, autumnal reds, and rusts with simple fittings and worn-but-loved furnishings. As Remus lead him past the living space, Sirius ducked his head in to see a fireplace (like he had pictured), a comfortable-looking armchair that looked like it had seen better days, and bookshelves blanketing the whole of the far wall and stuffed to bursting.

Sirius took all of this in, partly out of curiosity and partly in self-preservation, because the video call had not shown that Remus was currently wearing a pair of grey, drawstring sweats in addition to the plain black long sleeve he had worn on the call. This was fairly far removed from how Sirius had pictured Remus when he was relaxing at home – He’d pictured him largely how he’d looked when he had come to the shop, clad in slacks and a jumper. Sirius had been thoroughly unprepared for this diversion from his mental image. It took everything in his arsenal of self-control to avoid his gaze drifting over the long, lean plains of Remus’s torso down to where the waist of the sweats hung at his hips, draping over his pelvis. And Sirius definitely did not look at the way he knew that the crotch of the sweats would drape over the bulge that was definitely there – hidden under the grey fleece, but not so well as to be invisible.

These were all things that Sirius noticed, or tried not to notice as Remus led him to the kitchen, gestured for Sirius to sit at the table, and then busied himself with tea.

Sirius became aware that he’d not said anything since Remus had opened his door, and cleared his throat to speak.

“Uh, thank you for this,” He started, looking away from Remus and The Sweats ™ to awkwardly look around the kitchen. He noticed that Remus had one of the bouquets from the funeral arranged under the window that stretched along the wall behind the sink and the counter space to either side of it. The fact that he’d kept one of Sirius’s pieces and placed it in his kitchen – a space where it certainly felt like he spent a lot of time if the cup marks and pile of books, as well as the open newspaper on the kitchen table, were anything to judge by – gave Sirius the same spark of warmth that he’d felt when Remus had told him to come over.

“Don’t be daft,” Remus said kindly, bringing out a teapot and two mugs, “you were upset.”

He brought over the crockery and paused to ask; “Milk and sugar?"

“Milk and honey if you have it?” Sirius responded, thinking about how Mrs. Potter had always made tea with honey when he was having a tough time.

“And, regardless, it’s kind of you to invite me,” he said meeting Remus’s eye and giving him a crooked smile which Remus returned.

“I like your place,” he said shyly, “It feels very cosy,” he said with a smile as he looked around.

“Thanks,” Remus replied.

Sirius could swear he saw some pink bloom at the back of Remus’s neck where he stood turned away fixing the teapot with bags and boiling water.

Remus sat down across from Sirius and placed a mug in front of him, taking his own mug between his hands and leaning against the back of his chair. He regarded Sirius over the top of his mug, owlish brown eyes darting from Sirius’s face to his undoubtedly messy hair and down to his bare forearms resting on the table and pack to his face again.

“Are you okay?” Remus asked after Sirius had taken a sip.

Sirius sighed.

“I feel like this week – this day – has just lasted an eternity,” he said honestly.

“I was going to ask whether you usually pack family reunions, funerals, and godfather proposals into 24 hours,” Remus said with a smirk.

“You must be exhausted,” His smirk softened into something sympathetic.

“I feel like I should be checking in with you too though,” Sirius said, rubbing his temples.

“Your dad’s funeral was today,” he said trying to deflect but also feeling genuinely guilty that Remus was looking after him when he had quite enough to be getting along with.

“I think I’m okay with that for now, to be honest,” Remus said looking down into his mug thoughtfully, “What I said in my eulogy was the truth – I lost him a long time ago, really.”

Sirius nodded, thinking he understood somewhat – He’d had to come to terms with the fact that his parents would never be what he needed them to be, and mourned the potential of a tender relationship dynamic. But he thought that it must be a different kind of hurt to have had it and then lost it rather than to not know what you were missing until it was given to you freely the way it had been with the Potters.

“Don’t deflect though,” Remus said smirking at him again, “I know you must be reeling from this week.”

“Oh, I am, but I just don’t know what to do with any of it.”

“Is that why you keep ignoring your phone?” Remus asked, glancing down to where Sirius’s phone was vibrating again as James tried to call him for the hundredth time.

Sirius turned his phone off vibrate and on to do-not-disturb, not ready to open that flood gate. Today had already been enough.

“Yeah,” Sirius sighed, “It’s not even like they did anything wrong, you know? I’m the one who’s keeping things from them and switching the game. I got there and decided I wasn’t ready to talk,” he shrugged helplessly, “I didn’t tell them about that, or what happened with Reg today and I only told them the bare minimum about my conversation with Mary and only to get them to let up.”

“You don’t have to tell people until you’re ready, Sirius,” Remus said firmly, “This is your thing to tell,”

“That’s what Mary said,” Sirius said and Remus was nodding sagely.

“It just feels like just as I’m getting the hang of something this week, there’s something else – Like I’ve cleared more ground in the last three days than I have in the last three years.”

Sirius took a shaky breath.

“You know,” Remus said quietly, “This house used to belong to an old woman named Poppy, who my dad used to leave me with when I was too little to be left alone when he went to work. She was this old Scottish battle-axe of a woman, but she had been a nurse when she was younger and so when I was having a tough go of it she would take care of me.

I stopped seeing her when I was about twelve – she and dad had a falling out I think. But three or so years ago I heard that she died when a solicitor turned up and told me that she had left me everything – I guess she didn’t have any family left and she never had kids.”

Sirius looked around the house, taking in the love it had been furnished with and appreciating what a gift like that must have meant to Remus when his father was emotionally absent and his mother had passed.

“She used to say to me, in those early years when I was angry and confused about my illness, that there are years that ask questions, and years that provide answers.”

Remus met his eyes directly.

“It seems like this might be the kind of year that’s answering a few for you,” he raised a pointed eyebrow.

Staring into the chocolate pools of Remus’s eyes, Sirius thought absently that Remus had no notion of how right he was.

Sirius broke the eye contact when he suddenly yawned. Remus chuckled, standing and taking Sirius’s empty cup and rinsing it in the sink.

“Come on, I’ll give you a tour and then show you to the spare.”

After the tour of the living spaces and bathroom, Remus showed him to the spare room.

“Do you mind if I take a shower?” Sirius asked, taking in the simple queen bed, built-in wardrobe and bedsides in the room.

“Of course not,” Remus replied, reaching into the wardrobe and extracting a towel, “I can loan you some flannel bottoms?”

“That would be much appreciated,” Sirius said, feeling relief at the notion of getting out of his tight black jeans before he collapsed into the comfortable-looking cloud that was the spare bed.

Remus returned after a moment with a folded pair of flannel pajama bottoms. He lingered by the door watching Sirius sit on the bed and work his docs off his feet. He was leaning against the lintel, considering Sirius through hooded eyes. Sirius stopped and met his eye curiously and Remus straightened, beginning to turn to leave.

“I’ll be reading in the living room if you need anything,” he said with a shy look, that hand at the back of his neck, again, “I slept too long this afternoon so it will be a while before I head to bed.”

“The old forgot-to-set-an-alarm ploy?” Sirius said with a smirk. He stood up and reached back to tug off his t-shirt.

As his vision became obscured by the material, he heard Remus muttering; “Something like that, yeah,” but when Sirius worked the article of clothing over his head and could see again, he just caught
Remus’s “sleep well!” as he left the room and went down the stairs.

***

Remus

-

Remus had been sitting in his armchair staring at the same line of the book he was ‘reading’ for about 5 minutes when he heard the water start running upstairs and he suppressed a groan.

He thought he must be the most inappropriate person in the world.

When Remus had opened the door to Sirius sporting the same outfit from earlier, just with his jacket tied around his waist, the first thought that had strolled through his brain was “I’ve never seen him out of his jacket before.” The next thought that came to him was “Fuck, how could I forget the tattoos?” This last thought was expressed in a rather desperate internal tone as he took in Sirius’s appearance. Sirius’s arms were covered in them.

He had eventually pulled himself together though, forcing himself not to stare too long, and stepped aside to let the poor man into his house.

Remus had then spent the next half an hour while they were talking with his gaze constantly pulled for attention between Sirius’s objectively gorgeous face, even blotchy and bedecked in dark circles that spoke to the kind of week he was having, to his tousled hair, escaping from captivity where it was tied half up and half down behind his head, to his fucking forearms where they leaned on the kitchen table.

Both of his forearms were covered in beautifully designed and executed floral designs. His one forearm was dominated by massive and vividly coloured sunflowers and white daisy’s against a turquoise background. He could see that the sleeve continued underneath Sirius’s t-shirt arm. The other arm had a kind of wildflower scene that began above his wrist, circling it with poppies of different coloured varieties. They were set against a washed-out blue sky that faded in intensity as the tattoo moved upwards toward Sirius’s elbow.

Remus’s book fell from his hands and he brought the heels of his hands up to rub his eyes.

What was he doing??

Remus was not this person who struggled to control their impulses when someone else was hurting.
As Sirius had sat at his table talking about how overwhelming the week had been for him, all Remus had been able to think was that he was overwhelmed by Sirius. And it had only been three days. Remus thought that it must be the grief – all the patronizing shit in the self-help books said that grief manifested in different ways. Maybe his horny fascination with Sirius was just that.

But then Remus remembered how happy he had been to see Sirius at the funeral, fussing around the floral arrangement that Remus now had displayed on his kitchen counter. He remembered how Sirius had weaved through the funeralgoers toward him to make their goodbyes and how his trajectory had sent a surge of electricity through Remus's chest. How they had laughed together and cried together on Thursday – yesterday(!?)- when they were still really strangers.

Remus sighed to himself.

He didn’t really know if he had it in him to think any of this through properly at this point in the proceedings. But he was still wide awake and it was just past midnight, and the water had just shut off in the upstairs bathroom.

He tried in vain to forget the flash of skin he’d seen when Sirius had removed his t-shirt before Remus had fled the room – pale and covered in even more tattoos. There had been one particularly large one that started under Sirius’s jeans' waistband and extended up his side and rip-cage to just under his nipple. Remus had realised just in time how closely he was scrutinizing the way the black ink highlighted the planes of Sirius’s torso and chest before Sirius’s head reappeared, freed from the material and Remus had turned and flung a “sleep well!” over his shoulder as he returned to the safety of the downstairs living room.

Maybe he’d sleep down here.

He could hear the floor creaking from where Sirius was presumably moving between the bathroom and the spare room. He wondered if Sirius had taken his change of clothes with him, or whether he was making his way from the steam-filled bathroom to the room in nothing but the towel Remus had given him. Remus pictured how Sirius’s hair would look freshly washed and rubbed damp with a towel, imagining the way the still-wet tendrils would create little rivers of moisture down his throat and down over whatever tattoo Remus had seen two mornings ago peeking out of the neck of his white t-shirt. In his imagination, Remus saw Sirius saunter into the spare with the towel slung low on his waist, providing a perfect view of the V definition that Remus had seen disappearing into the waistband of Sirius’s jeans just before.

The floor creaked directly above Remus from the room where Sirius was.

Remus absently pictured Sirius closing the door quietly behind him and dropping the towel in a heap by the door. He wondered whether his skin was as soft as it had looked and thought about dragging his fingers across the shower-warmed, damp skin covered by that tattoo. he saw his own hands running over Sirius's hair and combing through the damp locks as his other hand crept lower.

Remus’s hand, which had been resting on the arm of his chair, dropped to his sweat-pant-clad legs and crept toward his inner thigh, absently stroking the fabric with his thumb while he pictured Sirius wriggling into Remus’s flannel bottoms. His hand crept up the inseam of his sweats and Remus was just starting to feel where he was already hard under his hand when he heard the door close to the spare room and heard footsteps on the stairs descending.

Remus started out of his trance and quickly straightened up in his seat and snatched the book from the floor where it had fallen, settling it in his hands like he’d been reading the whole time just in time to see Sirius duck his head in the room.

“I was gonna get a glass of water before I go to sleep, can I get you one too?” He asked

His hair WAS wet, and he WAS shirtless and the tattoo on his side showed a howling dog and a stag looking towards a black tattooed sky, littered with constellations.

“I’m alright thanks,” Remus managed to choke out, hoping his winced-out smile didn’t look as desperate as it felt.

Sirius smiled back and disappeared into the kitchen. Remus pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger and tried to adjust his raging erection under his sweats. He had to get out of this room before Sirius came past again on his way back. He did not need more fodder for his fantasies.

Remus shut his unread book and shoved it on the side table, and pulled himself up to hurry out of the room and up the stairs to the master bedroom.
He just remembered to switch off the light on his way out of the room and in the dim light, he had very little warning before he barrelled right into soft pale flesh and wet, black hair.

As they collided, Sirius’s water spilled down the front of Remus’s lower torso and over his sweats.

“Fuck I’m so sorry,” Remus huffed steadying Sirius by the shoulder and putting distance between them to see if he’d maimed Sirius in his effort to flee from him.

“Shit, no, I’m sure it was my fault,” Sirius said with a wince, “ugh, I got you all wet,” he said apologetically scanning over Remus to assess the damage.

When Sirius’s assessment got to the water seeping into the fabric of Remus’s crotch he seemed to pause. In the moonlight, Remus swore he could see Sirius’s cheeks colour before he ripped his gaze up to Remus’s face again.

“I, ah. I’m gonna change and then head to bed,” Remus started turning his body away slightly in case his hard-on was now visible under his sodden sweats.

“Ah, of course,” Sirius said quietly, pulling his lower lip into his mouth with his teeth and breaking eye contact, “I – ah. I’m gonna get a refill,” he said lifting the empty glass in illustration.

Remus nodded, looking away as well.

Sirius started to turn to go the way he had come, but before he turned fully he smiled up at Remus around his lip still between his teeth.

“Night, Remus,” He said softly and then disappeared back into the kitchen.

“Goodnight, Sirius,” Remus called after him.

The tattoo on his back, starting between his shoulder blades and stopping at the nape of his neck was the head of a lion.

Notes:

<3 <3

Chapter 17: Say My Name and Everything Just Stops

Summary:

James uses surveillance technology and meets Remus

TW: for coming out and pushy friends

Sirius

-

Sirius woke the next morning to a loud pounding coming from downstairs.

He startled awake and took a few minutes to register where he was. Then it came back to him:

The dinner party. Fleeing to Remus’s after James and Lily asked him and Mary to be godparents. The Sweats ™. The wet, clinging Sweats ™ after he ran into Remus like a klutz. The wet, clinging Sweats ™ barely disguising Remus’s package.

Sirius shoved a pillow over his head, groaning in a combination of embarrassment and lust.

The pounding that had woken him continued. Sirius looked at his phone – it was 8am. Was Remus expecting someone? The pounding intensified and now Sirius heard (presumably) Remus’ muffled grumbling as he passed Sirius’s door and made his way down the stairs to answer the insistent prick.

Who the fuck knocked like that before 9am on a Saturday?

Sirius sat up, hearing raised voices, and crept out of the bed and down the stairs.

“…who says he’s here exactly?” Sirius heard Remus ask in a tired, passive-aggressive voice. He neared the final landing of the stairs and paused, not wanting to be nosey but unwilling to leave Remus to a potentially unpleasant conversation before the day had really even begun.

“The app says so!” The unmistakable and agitated tone of James Potter in a panic floated to Sirius where he hid on the stairs and he froze.

“So, where the fuck is he?” James demanded.

“Are you normally in the habit of violating people’s privacy via app?”

Remus's voice was now dangerously low and calm – Putting Sirius in mind of a wolf growling in warning before snapping. He’d never heard Remus take a tone like that, so full of quiet authority.

“When they disappear into a stranger’s house and don’t answer calls, then yeah, I do.”

James’s tone was becoming heated. Sirius knew he wasn’t used to being told no by strangers.

“Who the fuck are you anyway? Why is Sirius here?”

James’s tone finally spurred Sirius to move.

“Look here, mate-” Remus began as Sirius rounded the corner and into James’s line of sight from where he stood at the door with Remus’s taller frame blocking him from entering.

“Sirius! Sirius, what the fuck? Who the fuck is this?” James gestured to Remus as he spoke to Sirius over Remus’s shoulder.

“Do you normally speak to your mates that way?” Remus growled, not budging.

“It’s alright Remus, he’s just an idiot when he’s worried,” he placed a hand softly against Remus’s (bare!) back and Remus’s head snapped around to look at Sirius. His eyes scanned over Sirius’s face like he was checking if it was alright to stand aside.

“You don’t have to talk to anyone, Sirius,” He growled softly, not taking his eyes off Sirius’s, “not if you don’t want to.”

“I’m sorry, who are you to tell my best friend that he doesn’t have to talk to me when HE’S the one who stormed out of my house right after I asked him to be my child’s godfather?” Sirius saw James’s eyes flash down to where Sirius was still touching Remus and he dropped his hand quickly.

Remus broke off his gaze from Sirius and turned fully to face James, drawing to his full height, a good three inches taller than him.

“I’m the person who offered him somewhere to go last night after you fucking ambushed him,” he growled down to James.

“Oy!” James stepped closer to Remus, his eyes flashing with anger.

“James…” Sirius said tiredly leaning against the bureau in the entry.

“Don’t ‘James’ me, you and I are finally going to talk- ungh..”

James had tried to squeeze past Remus to get to Sirius and ran straight into the taller man’s shoulder as Remus had resolutely stepped in from of him.

“You are really starting to piss me off, mate,” Remus’s calm, slightly threatening aura strengthened.

“Remus,” Sirius said softly but firmly from inside the entry.

Remus turned his head towards Sirius but didn’t budge. If the situation had been less volatile Sirius might have been struck by how the light coming into the doorway framed Remus’s bare torso, highlighting his shoulder-to-waist ratio and making his sleep-tousled curls glow as the sun shone through them.

“Do you mind if I commandeer your kitchen table for a little bit? I think I need to talk to this twat I call my best mate.”

***

Remus

-

The man who was (apparently) Sirius’s best friend James started to splutter in indignation when he heard Sirius refer to him as a twat. Remus kept his eyes on Sirius’s however and took in the anxiety pinched between his eyebrows and the resignation in the set of his mouth. Then he took in the rest of Sirius’s appearance, shirtless and clearly straight out of bed if the state of his hair was anything to go by.

Remus also remembered for the first time that he had answered the door shirtless and realised what this situation could look like.

If James had decided to track Sirius via the ‘find my friends’ app then he had probably started at Sirius’s flat, found it empty, then gone to the shop to find the same, and had been worried enough to track Sirius’s phone to a strange man’s house, where said strange man had turned up half naked at the door, followed by a half-naked Sirius wearing pants that were too long for him.

It looked like Sirius had spent the night. Biblically.

He nodded, thinking it might be best if Sirius was able to clear up the situation before James started making assumptions that would surely embarrass Sirius.

“Come in,” he grunted to James and started towards the kitchen, followed by the two other men – who were now whisper-shouting at each other.

“…had me worried sick, you did,” James hissed

“I am 28 years old, you dick-head,” Sirius grumbled back, “I do not need to check with you if I’m going to stay with a friend,”

“Friend?! I’ve never even met this person – I know all of your friends!” James hissed back as they entered the kitchen.

They both stopped talking when Remus turned and gestured to the table.

“I’ll give you some privacy,” Remus glared at James and began to stalk out of the kitchen before Sirius stopped him with a small “wait.”

Remus stopped mid-stride.

“Please. Stay?” Sirius asked softly.

It came out like a plea and the ire deflated from Remus as he turned to see the fear on Sirius’s face as he half stood from the table like he was about to jump up and follow Remus out of the room. Remus nodded in understanding and went to loiter by the countertop, filling up the kettle and putting it to heat on the stove. He sauntered over to where James was sitting looking up at him distrustfully.

“Name’s Remus Lupin,” Remus said, sticking his hand out with a flat smile.

James looked at the hand and then back up to Remus’s face with a confused and defensive look.

“Well, you said you knew all of Sirius’s friends. Now you do,” Remus growled.

At the other end of the table, he heard Sirius snort with laughter. Remus caught his eye and smirked slightly, twitching an eyebrow before turning back to James with a stony expression, hand still extended.

James considered him for a moment. He’d likely caught the split-second interaction between Sirius and Remus because his expression relaxed somewhat. Still wary though, he took Remus’s hand and shook it.

“James Potter,” James introduced with a flat smile.

Remus released his hand and got busy setting out tea things. Pulling out both milk and honey to make a cup for Sirius before preparing his own with sugar. He left out fixings for The Best Friend to make his own.

He put down the mug of tea with honey in front of Sirius. When Sirius took a sip, he looked up in surprise, and then a small smile of gratitude spread over his face from where he looked at Remus leaning against the counter behind James. Remus felt warmth spread in his stomach at the expression.

“Sirius,” James started, “What is going on? You turn up at my house at an ungodly hour on Tuesday night, drenched and in tears, then you disappear all Wednesday and Thursday with nothing but a text saying ‘I’m fine, chat soon,’ and then when I see you next, you barrel out of my house like someone’s lit you on fire for suggesting you and Mary be godparents!”

James had leaned forward at the table, and Remus could see the cogs turning in Sirius’s brain as he figured out where to start. The longer he sat, the more panicked his expression became until Remus was sure he’d start to see smoke come out of his ears. He sat, frozen, looking like he might be permanently fixed to that spot at Remus’s table.

Remus thought he’d better do something.

He moved to sit at a right angle to Sirius, effectively between him and James, and angled the chair so that the was slightly facing Sirius.

In a moment of bravery, Remus deliberately placed his right foot against Sirius’s left, bumping his knee against Sirius’s thigh slightly.

Sirius snapped out of his internal combustion to look at Remus, his expression clearing before silently taking a sip of his honeyed tea. He took a deep breath and looked at James.

“You’ve got to let me talk, James,” Sirius said, holding onto his mug like it was a lifeline, “If you interrupt, I’m gonna lose my nerve and I won’t be able to say it.”

Remus chanced a glance at James. His eyes were glued to Sirius and full of nothing but confused concern. Remus felt himself uncoiling slightly.

Sirius began to speak, telling the story like he’d told it to Remus. James was a wonderful story audience. He smirked when Sirius talked about the Karen and the sharpie mustachio and winced sympathetically when it came to Mary’s mum asking about Sirius proposing. When it go to the part of the night where the big reveal took place, Remus felt Sirius’s foot press against his firmly, like he needed the physical support from which to spring the information off. Remus shifted so that they were sitting with Remus’s foot crossed over Sirius’s and their calves were pressing flush together, knees brushing softly.

“I told her I can’t marry her,” Sirius started, looking down into his cup like he couldn’t bare to look at James’s reaction when he knew, “Because I’m gay.”

Remus turned his head sharply to look at James, whose expression had frozen while he processed this new bit of information. Remus pressed his knee firmly into Sirius’s as he finished the story of Tuesday. Remus’s eyes were still glued to James, daring him to say something.

James, to his credit, let Sirius continue, his expression growing thoughtful as Sirius described why he’d been AWOL on Wednesday and Thursday.

“I met Remus on Wednesday morning,” Sirius explained, and James looked at Remus for the first time, “he made an order at the shop,” he went on, “And we met again – totally by accident - that evening when we were both in Wales – me to get the flowers I needed for his job, and him for…”

Sirius trailed off, looking at Remus again as if he didn’t want to tell his story for him.

“I was there because I lost my dad this week,” Remus finished looking at Sirius as he spoke, “that’s what the flowers were for; his funeral,” he turned and met James’s eyes looking at Remus assessingly, “I was in Wales to feel closer to him for a little while,” he finished and James’s expression drained of any residual defensiveness, filling instead with an understanding kind of sadness.

Sirius went on to describe how he’d met Regulus at the funeral and James and Sirius seemed to share a private, wordless exchange. Remus began to appreciate the depth of James and Sirius’s friendship then as James leaned forward, pried Sirius’s hand off his mug and gripped it firmly. Sirius’s face crumpled.

James held Sirius’s hand all through the rundown of his conversation with Mary and then, how later, the godparent conversation had made him feel like the world’s biggest failure, and how Remus had offered him his spare room so that he wouldn’t have to go home to all of the reminders of how he’d fucked his life. James held his hand all the while Sirius began to heave and sob.

Sirius got to the end and took a gasping breath like he’d been starved of air for decades. Remus took his other hand then in both of his own and squeezed as James got out of his chair, cleared the distance around the table, and leaned over Sirius, enveloping him in an embrace while Sirius sobbed like a child.

Remus began to pull away his hands then, hesitant to interrupt, but Sirius gripped his hand all the tighter, clinging to Remus with one hand even as he clung to James with the other.

***

James (surprise!)

-

James watched Remus move around his kitchen, rinsing out cups and the teapot while Sirius went and had a shower and got ready to go home with James.

Remus was tall – taller than James (which irritated him if he was honest), and slender in a way that could be described as lanky if it wasn’t for the broad tilt of his shoulders and the lithe, deliberate way he was moving around his kitchen. He’d collected a t-shirt to wear after Sirius had disappeared upstairs, and although the aura of an animal with its hackles raised in challenge was gone, James got the impression that this man could be quiet, but never meek.

He thought back to how Remus had loomed over him at the doorway when James tried to pass him to get to Sirius. James was just a moment away from tackling Remus. If he’d suspected for a moment that Remus was keeping Sirius there against his will, he would have done much worse. But then he’d seen Sirius place his hand on Remus’s back – tenderly, unconscious like James might touch Lily as he squeezed past her in the kitchen – and something had snapped into place in James’s mind.

Sirius had come out to him less than 15 minutes ago, and James couldn’t find it in himself to be surprised.

He doubted that Remus and Sirius had crossed any substantive lines in their “friendship” in 2 days, especially after Sirius and Mary had ended things virtually hours before Sirius met Remus, but there was something there between Sirius and Remus that had never been between Mary and Sirius. There was a kind of energy that made them gravitate toward each other when they were in the same room. When Sirius moved, Remus moved, and when Sirius needed tethering, he looked to Remus. James doubted Sirius or Remus even understood it yet, or the implications of the gravitational force between them, but he did think it wouldn’t be long until that force turned into something more tangible.

James thought he should maybe be jealous. Sirius had always come to James when he needed grounding or reassurance. Ever since they were kids, there were many nights when James had fallen asleep with Sirius draped over him - desperate for concrete proof that the world wasn’t falling out from under him. It had always been part of James’s role in their friendship – providing a stable frame from which Sirius could hold himself up. Well, that, and the pranks. When they weren’t supporting each other – Sirius the weighted blanket to James’s support frame, they were laughing. James never laughed more than when he was with Sirius. What Sirius took from James in support and stability, he gave back in joy and humour and a tenderness that until now, James had only ever seen directed at himself and to a lesser extent the rest of their group.

But then he’d seen the way that Sirius had clung to Remus’s hand after the talk as he had sobbed into James’s chest.

And James had to admit that he felt like a class-A tosser. For ambushing Sirius at dinner the night before, for pushing him to be with Mary when it had felt like smushing together puzzle pieces that hadn’t quite fit, and for letting him believe for even a second that anything could make James love Sirius less.

 

Remus was wiping down his kitchen surfaces now and James cleared his throat.

Remus looked at him impassively, a slightly raised brow in question.

James put down his mug and wiped his mouth.

“I may owe you an apology,” he began, meeting Remus’s narrowed eyes hesitantly.

Remus raised both of his brows like he was inviting James to ‘go on, then’.

“I didn’t exactly make the best first impression,” James tilted his head in consideration.

“And I maybe could have waited until at least 9 am to beat down your door,” he conceded.

Remus pursed his lips, moving to sit across from James at the table.

“I think I could have handled it better as well,” Remus began, “I didn’t know who you were, and I didn’t want someone storming into my house and accosting him if he didn’t want them there.”

Remus considered for a moment.

“I may have slightly overacted,” he shrugged a little.

James smirked slightly.

“It’s alright, there are people in this world who Sirius needs protecting from.”

“So I’ve heard,” Remus said blackly.

James mused to himself that Sirius must have trusted Remus pretty early on to have gotten to that part of the narrative already.

“I could have been one of them,” James continued, “I’m glad there are people who feel as strongly about blocking their path to Sirius as I do,” he finished with a genuine smile.

Remus’s lip quirked upward in response before he turned thoughtful.

“You didn’t seem surprised,” Remus started, gaze piercing James like he was looking for something.

James didn’t need Remus to elaborate on what he was referring to. James took a breath, trying to vocalise the mental journey he had gone on in the while.

“I don’t think surprised is the right word,” James began, meeting Remus’s eyes head-on, “It’s certainly not something I considered actively in the last few years, but it’s more like when he told me I’d been given the missing piece to a riddle I never knew I was trying to solve.”

James cocked his head at Remus, waiting for him to respond.

Remus raised his brows slightly.

“So, you’re okay with it?”

There was a threat beneath Remus’s words. James was taken aback at first, but then felt a small surge of affection. James would get along just fine with anyone who would go to war for someone they’d only met three days ago. Especially if that person was Sirius.

James shrugged because it was the most obvious answer he’d given since he said ‘I do’ at his wedding three years before, “Of course. If he’s okay with it, then so am I. And if he’s not okay with it, I can be until he is as well.”

Remus nodded like he was satisfied by that answer.

James cleared his throat and looked at the table and then looked back up at Remus.

“I meant to say,” James started in a softer tone, and Remus looked at him curiously, “I’m sorry about your dad.”

Notes:

Thank you for reading <3

Chapter 18: Look Into My Eyes and See that I Am Not Afraid

Summary:

The lads go on a mission for pastries, and Remus wears a denim jacket

TW: chronic illness

Sirius

-

Sirius descended the stairs for the second time that morning - this time to significantly more neutral tones coming from the kitchen.

When he entered the room, he found Remus and James sitting in the same positions they had been in for The Talk, but this time conversing about Remus’s job.

“Surely they can’t gut the column if it’s so successful?” James was asking.

“They’re worried that the anonymity of the writer compromises their integrity,” Remus said listlessly

“But surely as a medical publication they can validate the claims the column makes and that’s enough?” James responded incredulously.

Sirius rounded the table to his spot next to Remus and across from James, trying to catch up.

“Well it turns out that the hospitals that buy the magazine don't enjoy being called out for their nurses and doctors systematically downplaying or outrightly ignoring patient symptoms amongst other things,” Remus said darkly, “and the author of the column has experience of those things and it’s bad publicity,” He met Sirius’s eye as he sat and his eyebrows flicked and his mouth quirked up briefly in acknowledgment, “Turns out poor patient care makes for bad press and they can’t turn it against someone who doesn’t put their name on their experiences.”
Remus shrugged helplessly.

“It’s a catch 22; either the author comes forward and gets bombarded with direct challenges to their story – an experience they’re already vividly familiar with – and likely a few unfounded defamation cases, or they stay anonymous and the column gets gutted and they have no forum to tell their story and the public stays ignorant of the intricacies of being chronically ill and h- they stay invisible.”

Sirius looked at James thoughtfully, wondering whether James had caught Remus’s near slip. From the incremental shift of James’s gaze to Sirius and back to Remus he thought he just might have.

“Either way, it's more of the same shit of chronically ill people feeling both exposed and invisible, caught in a perpetual cycle of self-advocacy while doors inevitably shut in their faces.”

Remus said this with an air of exhaustion, shutting his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.

Sirius frowned and looked questioningly at Remus by way of asking what Remus and James were talking about and Remus winced in response.

“The legals at the Jargon want to out the anonymous columnist,” Remus explained.

“And apparently the magazine is whipped by institutional injustice,” James picked up.

“That’s the spark-notes version,” Remus finished with a smile that was more of a grimace.

Sirius fought a smirk at the way James and Remus seemed to have relaxed into the mutual territory of ire against the machine.

Before he could say anything in response, Remus smacked his thighs to punctuate the moment and made moves to stand.

“As much as I could keep ranting about that though, I really need to eat,” Remus started, pushing out of his chair, he looked between Sirius and James; “Don’t suppose you lads would fancy a walk to the complex to grab a scone and a thoroughly sub-par coffee?”

The end of this sentence was punctuated by another glace and smirk at Sirius at the reference to their email banter. Something inside Sirius fizzed and he found himself smirking back as both he and James got to their feet, making enthusiastic sounds of approval.

“Give me 10 minutes to get dressed and I’ll join you outside,” Remus said, making his way around the kitchen table and brushing behind Sirius to get out of the door.

Sirius followed him out with his eyes, tracking the lithe movements as he made his way into the passage. He’d put on a t-shirt (a shame really, distracted by James’s tantrum earlier, he’d not been able to give Remus's bare torso the attention it so clearly deserved), but he was still wearing The Sweats ™. Sirius was suddenly transported back to the night before when he caught himself studying Remus’s clothed bulge after he’d ungracefully drenched it in water. Sirius’s breath hitched at the memory and then he felt the shame. He thought absently that he’d need to control himself better unless he wanted Remus to think he was a creep.

When he turned back to look at James he was met with a knowing stare framed by a single raised brow.

“Not now,” Sirius muttered, averting his eyes from James’s growing smirk.

“Hmmm, sunny day, eh?” James said pointedly, pushing his chair back and moving toward the front door, “shall we step outside and wait for Remus?”

Sirius groaned, following James down the hall and out into the sun - blinking before pulling his sunglasses out of his jacket pocket.

When they were down the path, far enough to have some warning when Remus left the house and with enough distance, he was certain that they’d not be heard he turned to James.

James stood looking down at Sirius with a smug expression on his face and his arms crossed across his broad chest, challenging Sirius with a smirk.

Sirius responded by petulantly mirroring his pose, albeit slouching into his hip and ducking his head while he pouted.

“What?” Sirius demanded, finally throwing his hands up in exasperation after they had stood there for a minute or so.

“So, do you stare longingly after all of your friends arses and I just missed it? Or is Remus special?” James emphasized the word ‘friends’, extending the ‘s’ and widening his eyes at Sirius meaningfully.

“Fuck off,” Sirius muttered, crossing his arms again and looking away, “You don’t think he noticed, did you?” he asked, his anxiety spilling out in the wake of James’s ability to read Sirius like the morning paper headline.

James huffed, seeing Sirius shrinking with shame, and moved to wrap his arms around Sirius even as he resolutely refused to uncross his arms.

“I think he was far too busy trying to make sure you didn’t notice that he was staring at you like wanted to devour you whole,” he muttered to the side of Sirius’s head.

Sirius blinked into James’s shoulder. He thought about Reg and his observation about Sirius and Remus eye-fucking at the funeral.

“Reg said he saw something similar,” he ignored James’s pointed look at Sirius mentioning his reconnection with Reg, deciding to take one thing at a time.

“What did mum always say?” James asked rhetorically into Sirius’s forehead before continuing, “If enough people tell you that you’re sick then you should probably sit down.”

“So what, I’m just supposed to accept that the day after I lose the best relationship I’ve ever had I meet this intelligent, funny, beautiful, and terrifying man,” James made a noise of agreement at the ‘terrifying’ descriptor and Sirius breathed a laugh, “and he somehow thinks I’m worth his time?”

Sirius deflated and dropped his arms, letting them (grudgingly) snake around James and leaning into the hug.

James settled comfortably into the hug, this being a normal occurrence for them when either of them needed physical reassurance of the other.

“Sirius, you’ve got your mother in your head again,” James spoke gruffly, “why wouldn’t he look at you and see someone he wants? You’re gorgeous, you’re fun to be around, and you smell good all the time.”

Sirius began to laugh properly into James’s chest, poking him in the side of his torso.

“Hey, you missed the boat on hitting on me when you married the mother of my future god-child.”

“Well it got you laughing, didn’t it?” James asked also laughing and pinching Sirius in return.

Sirius’s laughter faded into a groan and he buried his face into James’s shoulder again.

“What am I going to do, James,” he groaned into his chest, “It’s too soon, isn’t it?,” he squeezed tighter and James returned the embrace, “I shouldn’t be feeling so much so soon…”

“So soon after…” James began.

“So soon after meeting him. So soon after Mary,” Sirius fought tears, feeling the guilt building in his stomach.

Just then, the door opened behind them. Sirius and James broke apart and Sirius took a hearty sniff as he turned toward where Remus was emerging from his house.

As if to compound his predicament, Remus emerged looking like something Sirius wanted to eat for breakfast – fuck the scone and the meh coffee, give him one of these right here, and stat.

Remus was dressed in a pair of dark grey jeans that weren’t quite tight, but still hugged Remus’s long legs in all the right places. They were secured with a black belt, and his top half was clad in a slim-fitting white t-shirt tucked into his waistband. Over that, he wore a denim jacket, into the pockets of which Remus was shoving his keys and wallet with one hand while using the other to shove his hair out of his face. On his feet, he wore a pair of black canvas converse with white soles. He walked towards James and Sirius with a pleasant sort of smile.

Sirius thought he’d best come to terms with being half-hard for the rest of his life. Or at least the rest of his life where he could actively remember the way Remus looked today.

Sirius realised he was staring again when Remus met them where they stood and gave him a bemused look and James nudged him.

***

Remus

-

Remus walked the short way between his house and the complex with Sirius and James in a state of ever-revolving bemusement and confusion.

Bemusement because they acted like actual children together. James would spot a dog on the other side of the street and pull Sirius bodily to the fence and they would both get on their knees and spend a good few minutes telling said dog that he was the most handsome boy in between ear rubs and pats. Or James would say something quietly in Sirius’s ear and Sirius would scale James’s considerable frame to jump on his back and get him into a headlock in retaliation.

The confusion came because even as it was obvious to Remus that their dynamic had been wrought over decades, to the point where James and Sirius almost had their own language, instead of that dynamic throwing walls between them and the people around them, it drew Remus in and included him in their antics. Remus found himself waved over toward the dog currently enjoying their affections by Sirius’s insistent hand beckoning him over and making space for Remus to stand (kneeling on concrete was not an option today) between them and lean over the fence for an affectionate lick from the canine in question. Or James would finally throw Sirius off his back and then turn to Remus and continue the conversation like it had never been interrupted.

It was an odd experience. And one that Remus wasn’t quite sure how to go about processing just yet.

And then there was Sirius himself.

Even after a late night, a week from hell, and clothes that were on their second day of being worn, he looked like his batteries had just been replaced. Since it became apparent that James wouldn’t be abandoning him over Sirius’s confession, Sirius – who always had electricity fizzing under his skin – just overflowed with energy in his joy. It was infectious. It was addictive. Remus felt drawn towards it as if he’d never seen a light quite so dazzling, and he supposed he hadn’t.

They rounded the last corner into the complex and Remus saw Dorcas at the cart as usual refilling the cups in the dispenser.

“I bring disciples to the temple of pastries,” Remus called to her.

“Well, gather one and all for I have wisdom to impart for those with ears to hear!” She called in return as the trio neared the cart and waited anxiously for her to tell them that day’s specials.

“Today I have cheese and bacon scrolls,” Dorcas began, gesturing with a flare towards something golden brown and glowing with melted cheese grease and smelling sublime, there was general applause at the introduction and James wandered over toward where she pointed with a hungry expression.

“We also have your favourite as of a few days ago, Remus,” she began with a twinkle in her eye, “Back by popular demand, we have the cranberry and macadamia scone,” there was more applause and Sirius nudged Remus as he followed James over to the cabinet to peer at the delicious goodness.

“Changed your life, didn’t you say? Sounds like something I need to try,” Sirius threw over his shoulder at Remus and winked as both he and James addressed the cabinet with almost obscene desire.

“And lastly, for the sweet-toothed among you,” Dorcas began a drum-roll on the countertop, joined by Sirius and James drumming on the cabinet, “I have a dark chocolate muffin with orange syrup glaze!”

Sirius, James, and Remus all clapped and James whistled in appreciation as Dorcas took her bow before the three men.

5 minutes later, the three of them were sitting around the little fold-up table the cart put out for people who wanted to linger. James was on the cusp of finishing his cheese and bacon scroll, having inhaled it virtually the second Dorcas had presented it to him on a little paper plate, Sirius was buttering his cranberry and macadamia scone, and Remus was thoroughly enjoying his dark chocolate muffin with orange glaze. All three of them had their coffee in cups waiting on the table to wash down their breakfast.

Dorcas came to join them at the table with a cup of her own as there were no other customers to serve.

“So I know Remus,” She nodded towards him as he nodded in reply, “but I think I’ve only seen you around the complex,” she looked toward Sirius.

“Ah, yeah, I’m Sirius,” Sirius replied taking a sip of his coffee and grimacing at the taste. Dorcas chuckled.

“I run Black Rose Florists over there,” he said gesturing toward the shop.

“And I’m James,” James smiled around a sip as Dorcas turned toward him.

“Very nice to meet you, Sirius, James,” Dorcas smiled before taking a sip of her tea.

“Do they not give you a day off, Dorcas?” Remus asked with a shudder after he swallowed a sip of his coffee.

“Normally I don’t work on Saturdays,” she shrugged, “But Moody had some conspiracy to work on in the Bakery so he asked me to cover.”

At the confused look from all three men she elaborated.
“Moody is convinced that the bakery across town is stealing his recipes,” she started with a bland smile, “he says they brought out a cranberry and macadamia scone as well just after we did, and they’re trying to throw off suspicion by adding white chocolate,” she raised her eyebrows at Remus conspiratorially.

“He’s spending today scouring the bakery for hidden listening devices and cameras,” she shrugged like this was the most natural behavior in the world.

“Well you can assure him from me that the cranberry and macadamia scones would be absolutely ruined with the addition of white chocolate,” Sirius said with a faux-sombre tone.

“I second that,” Remus agreed, “would completely throw off the balance of sharp sweetness from the cranberries,” he caught Sirius’s eye and they shared a sage nod.

James nodded emphatically and then his expression turned calculating.

“Dorcas, could I have one of those sharply-sweet cranberry macadamia scones to go? I’m gonna go check in with Marlene at the shop,” he said this with a smirk at Sirius who promptly flushed and looked at Remus fleetingly before turning away to face James again.

“Tell her I say not to burn down my shop while I’m on my day off – I’ll be very upset if I have to do insurance paperwork over the weekend.”

This was said blithely, but Remus caught the silent conversation had between Sirius and James while he said it - Sirius was glaring daggers at James, and James in turn had a suspicious twinkle in his eye before he cleared his expression to innocence and turned to Remus and smiled pleasantly as he got up, paid for Marlene’s scone and headed to the florist.

Sirius seemed to gather himself before he turned toward Remus with a surprisingly shy smile.

“What was it that you were saying to James earlier?” he began, “about the column,” he clarified at Remus’s blank expression.

“Oh, yeah,” Remus began, feeling the momentary pleasure at being alone with Sirius again puncture somewhat.

“I have a meeting with the publishing CEO on Monday,” He began, starting to rub his fingernail against the cuticle of his thumb, “apparently they want more information about the columnist,” he elaborated.

He caught a glance at his half-drunk coffee and then remembered that part of the reason he’d come to the cart in the first place was to get food to take his pills with.

“They want to be able to ‘verify’ the columnist’s experiences because they’re concerned he’s making them up,” He went on, fishing his pills out of the inside pocket of his denim jacket.

He popped a few of the blister-pack segments and swallowed them back with the help of the coffee.

“So on Monday, I have to convince them that it would be unethical to force someone who has already been subjected to the injustices of the medical world to have foisted on them the doubt and scrutiny of a magazine that they’re actively helping to sell – and all because of the pressure from the hospitals to prevent bad press about their treatment of chronic illness.”

He met Sirius’s gaze now. He felt ill – like he was on the brink of exposure – like he had every time he’d been admitted for pain or complications and he knew he’d have to go through the whole thing again. He felt stupid for thinking he could possibly be allowed to have a forum to talk about his experiences. Like he should have known that there was a time frame for being allowed to be honest. It was like everything in Remus’s life, briefly good, even great, before a vertical drop into reality. His friendships, his childhood, and now his job.

Remus looked at Sirius in front of him, who’d been listening carefully with a thoughtful, slightly stricken expression on his features.

“I’m sorry, Remus – I don’t know what to say,” he finally responded.

Remus considered whether to say more. He felt like he could talk to Sirius, but he also worried that revealing too much would send him packing immediately.

“Remus,” Sirius began, breaking Remus out of his brooding, “I’m going to make an observation, and you’re welcome to shut it down or not,” Remus met Sirius’s thoughtful gaze with his brows raised in question.

“Observe away,” he responded with a smirk.

Sirius spoke as he raised the rest of his coffee to his lips, “You and the columnist have quite a bit in common,” he took a sip and continued, “if you catch my drift,” Sirius blinked slowly at Remus as he lowered his cup to the table again.

Remus felt his stomach lurch in panic. He wanted to shift under that ice-blue stare, but something In Sirius’s gaze held him still. He thought of how Sirius had listened when Remus had spoken about his illness in the car on Thursday, and his quiet observance when Remus had climbed the stairs at the motel. Sirius was not unlike Reg in some ways, Remus thought. Sirius may be dramatic and energetic, but he shared that perceptiveness that saw people for what they were. Unlike Reg though, Sirius’s gaze at that fold-away table felt like it was looking into Remus, understanding, and untangling. It was an exposure of a different kind, but it was no less frightening.

Remus sat, staring into the icy-blue depths of Sirius’s eyes, noting the way the shades of silver and blue shattered out from his expanding pupil as they held the gaze they shared. Sirius was looking into him and meeting whatever he saw in Remus, unafraid. He was challenging Remus to look into him as well, to expose how badly he wanted to understand Sirius too.

Remus felt his mouth quirk up and saw his smile mirrored in Sirius’s features. He nodded and took a sip of his cooling coffee, breaking the gaze before it lit him on fire.

“I understand how that may complicate things even further,” Sirius said cocking his head to the side, his smile turning sympathetic.

“It’s not just your column at risk-,”

“It’s my whole livelihood,” Remus finished for him nodding his head.

Remus took the last bite of his muffin for something to do that wasn't just shaking in anxiety at a coffee cart table.

Without warning, Sirius leaned over and used his thumb to wipe some crumbs away from the corner of Remus's mouth while his fore and middle finger rested on the side of Remus's jaw to steady him. Sirius brought his thumb to his own lips and tasted the chocolate crumbs. Remus couldn't look away as the tongue that had caught the crumbs from Sirius's thumbs then ran over Sirius's lower lip, leaving them moist and shiny. Sirius was still leaning towards him.

Then Sirius found Remus’s hand where it was picking persistently at a piece of loose skin around the cuticle. He held the hand, stilling it in the process.

Remus looked at Sirius again, feeling like he was splitting open all over again.

“Promise you’ll tell me,” he started, meeting Remus’s eyes directly, his expression adamant, “Promise you’ll tell me how it goes and if I can do anything to help.”

Sirius wasn’t asking, he was instructing. Remus almost melted in gratitude that the onus had been taken off his shoulders to decide whether to ask for help. This beautiful man in front of him wasn’t asking to be told or asking to be invited into Remus’s troubles, he was placing himself in them with Remus whether he wanted him or not.

Notes:

Thanks again for reading <3

Chapter 19: All I Know Is a Simple Name & Everything Has Changed

Summary:

Remus prepares to face Albus, Sirius buys another scone and Remus wears clove aftershave

TW: fluff - just pure fluff.
Sirius does mention the discussion about coming out in passing, but it's in an entirely positive context.

Remus

-

On Monday morning, Remus found himself walking over to the coffee cart again before he needed to set off for work. He found himself needing some kind of tangible reminder that last Wednesday through to Saturday had actually happened and wasn’t some kind of simulation.

The introduction of Sirius Black into his life had taken what could have been and was a harrowing, confusing, and frustrating time and injected an influx of humour, joy, and tenderness into the ordeal. It had somehow been both the worst and the best days he’d had in a long time.

He’d not seen Sirius since he saw him and James off in their respective vehicles to reconvene at James’s house for a ‘proper talk’ – presumably one without an audience – after their excursion to the coffee cart on Saturday. They had, however, been texting a bit since Sunday night. Remus fought a wistful smile as he pulled his phone out of his pocket to go back over the texts from the night before.

-

R: Has James released you
from his custody yet? Or
does he have you in his
basement to keep an eye on
you now?

-

S: Not his basement – just
his spare room, haha. I
just checked the door lock,
it would seem I’m not
a prisoner here. Yet.

-

R: Careful, he’s probably
bugged your room. We know
how fond he is of surveillance
tech.

-

S: In his defense he only got that
app because when we go out
drinking I have a tendency
to erm.. take myself
on walks.

-

R: Really living up to your
namesake, I see

R: Just as long as he doesn’t
put a leash on you as well

-

S: Nah, I save that for the
bedroom.

-

Reading that text back, Remus blushed just as hard – slight pun intended – as he had when he read it the night before. Sirius hadn’t given Remus the chance to obsess over how to follow that up though, because he’d sent a follow-up text seconds after:

-

S: how are you doing in
the lead-up to the meeting
tomorrow?

-

R: okay, I think.

R: Just kept busy today,
went for a swim, did
some writing.

-

S: For the column?

-

R: Nope, I write non-fiction
and poetry as a hobby

-

S: That adds up

S: I don’t know many
people who describe their
fathers as Welsh stone
castles.

-

R: I’m still riding the high
off that one, honestly.
It was some of my best work.

-

S: And you saved it for me?
I’m touched.

-

R: Your flowers inspired me,
What can I say?

R: I have to head to bed,
Or otherwise, knock myself
Out with a mallet. Either way
I need to be unconscious
For a few hours before
Tomorrow.

R: Thank you for
Distracting me with texts,
Though. Sleep well

-

Remus had only seen Sirius’s response when he’d woken up on Monday morning, having taken some melatonin to guarantee he’d sleep (mallets were just too expensive).

-

S: Anything. Always.

S: Sweet Dreams!

-

Just like it had at his dad’s funeral, Sirius’s words had hit him like shot to the chest. That was why at 8.15 am Remus found himself approaching the complex for a cranberry macadamia scone and a shit cup of coffee to try to recapture the reassurance of Sirius’s hand holding his on Saturday morning when he’d made Remus promise to let him in.

Remus rounded the corner and walked up to the cart, greeted Dorcas, and began scanning the cabinet for the cranberry-macadamia scones. Remus had just noticed, with considerable disappointment, that they appeared to be gone already, when one slid into in view on top of the cabinet, pushed along by an alabaster hand with a constellation tattoo and fingers covered in silver rings.

“I was just about to walk this over to your place, but imagine my surprise when I saw you crossing the street with your eyes glued to your phone (very unsafe by the way, you really should look before you cross) heading over this way?” A smooth, deep voice said, confirming that he had, apparently, successfully manifested Sirius’s presence at the cart.

Remus turned toward Sirius who stood next to Remus at the cabinet and drank in his appearance.

Sirius was wearing his leather jacket again (of course) over another branded t-shirt for the shop. This t-shirt showed the name of the shop surrounded by traditional tattoo-style roses, complete with winding stems and thorns. He wore a pair of light-washed denims that would have been too tight if it was anybody else, but Remus was not going to complain if it meant he could make out the shape of Sirius’s legs and arse through the material. His hair was up again, and the dark circles under Sirius’s eyes seemed to be fading after a few nights of good sleep, which only drew further attention to the ever-present sparkle Remus found in his eyes. He was holding two paper cups of coffee.

Remus completed his once-over of Sirius to find Sirius doing the same to him. They both blushed, caught in the act.

“Um, thank you for that,” Remus said, smiling sheepishly, “Do you want to sit for a bit before I head in to work?”

“Of course,” Sirius returned the smile and rocked on his heels before pulling out a chair at the folding table and sitting, placing his coffee in from of him and reaching across to put the other in front of another chair.

Remus followed and sat opposite him, all the while watching Sirius track his movements.

“How are you?” Sirius asked, cocking his head to the side with that sparkle in his eye, “It feels strange that I didn’t see you yesterday,” he finished, looking like the admission was a moment of vulnerability he wasn’t sure would pay off.

“Mhmm,” Remus nodded around a bite of scone, he swallowed and took a sip of trash coffee to clear his throat and then continued, “my day was infinitely more boring without someone around who would literally jump into a bin for a stray blue-bell.”

Sirius barked a laugh.

“I have literally fished in someone’s garden scraps bin to retrieve some roses that had been dead-headed too early,” he said, eyes crinkling with mirth.

“Surely if they were deadheaded they’d be too short to use in an arrangement?” Remus asked with a confused frown, tilting his head and enjoying the way that Sirius straightened in his seat to begin a Sirius Ramble ™.

“Well, it was earlier on in my horticulture course,” he began, eyes brightening (impossibly) further, “and I was convinced that I could propagate them and create my own private store of fresh roses. But I put the buds in too much water and then had to leave town for a few days, and when I got back, the flat just smelled like rotting rosewater and the samples for propagation were just congealed rose soup,” Sirius finished this story with a grimace.

Remus wrinkled his nose in distaste at the ‘congealed rose soup’ description and chuckled.

“And have you, in more recent times, been more successful with propagation techniques?” He asked with a teasing lilt.

“I have not, sadly,” Sirius responded in a faux-sad and wistful tone as he relaxed back into his chair, “I’m a decent gardener now because I understand the principles, but my forte has always been floral design.”

“Thank goodness for that,” Remus muttered as he swallowed a few pills with what remained of his coffee.

Sirius obviously caught it though because his excitable expression immediately softened, settling into an infinitely pleased expression.

“You didn’t answer my first question,” He raised his eyebrows expectantly, his eyes doing the thing where they looked into Remus’s soul without trying.

Remus shifted his gaze away from Sirius to look down at the table before raising it again to find him again.

“I’m anxious,” he said honestly, taking the last bite of his scone to avoid rambling on and causing himself to break the thin veneer of calm he’d built up in the lead-up to the meeting.

Sirius nodded thoughtfully.

Remus felt Sirius’s doc-martin-clad foot find him under the table, pressing against Remus's foot like he had done for Sirius on Saturday. Remus pressed back, grateful for the tether.

“When do you need to head off?” Sirius asked checking the time on his phone.

“I only have to be in for the meeting today at 10, I usually work from home on Mondays.”

“I’ll walk you back to your place if you want?” Sirius suggested shyly.

A surge of joy shot up Remus’s abdomen, and the tried to fight the smile pulling at the corner of his lips.

“Can you swing that?” Remus tried for calm in his delivery, “Doesn’t the shop open soon?” Remus’s eyes darted between the florist shop sporting a ‘closed’ sign on the door and Sirius still sitting in front of him.

“It’s only just after 8.30,” Sirius reasoned, “it’s not a long walk,” he shrugged, “and one of the perks of being the owner-manager is that I can open whenever I want,” he finished with a smirk.

***

Sirius:

-

“Did the talk on Saturday after you left go alright?” Remus asked.

Sirius considered how to answer. The short answer would be yes. James had helped Sirius get through the news as he finally closed the circle of people who needed to be updated about why Sirius and Mary had broken up. Lily and James had invited the gang over for a do-over dinner and allowed Sirius, Mary, and James to tag-team the news and get it all out on the table. It had been a relief, and apart from some groans and grimaces, no one had seemed to think it was the time to rip Sirius a new one because he’d been content to stay with Mary for so long before coming out.

The other side of the evening was how Sirius, James, and Pete had sat in James’s back garden with a pack of beer, and Pete and James had ribbed Sirius mercilessly for how James had found him and Remus on Saturday morning. The teasing had evolved into a heartfelt conversation about shame and an evaluation of Sirius’s self-worth. They’d all been horrified to learn, for instance, that Sirius was convinced he’d lose them all over the revelation.

Not sure that Remus had asked for quite that much detail, Sirius opted for what Remus referred to as the Spark-Notes version.

“It went better than I expected it to,” he began, shoving his hands into his pockets as he walked side by side with Remus, “no-one rescinded the god-father offer, anyway,” he laughed, trying to cover the nerves he was still battling that eventually, the other shoe would drop.

“Did you honestly expect them to back out?” Remus asked turning toward Sirius and meeting him with those warm brown eyes that made Sirius want to fall into their depths.

“I’ve been telling myself for years that coming out would ruin my life,” Sirius shrugged, holding the gaze as the walked, “It might take me some time to convince myself that it might be the exact opposite.”

Remus gave him a soft smirk in response, looking inordinately pleased that Sirius thought being gay could make his life that much better.

“And I’m going to stay with James until the flat sells and I can find a place of my own,” Remus smiled, encouraging Sirius to continue, “Lily more-or-less insisted,” he huffed a laugh and Remus chuckled.

“James suggested that you should come to our next Mandatory Sit-down-and-talk dinner,” He heard Remus snort at the name and smirked at him in response.

“He wants to have them biweekly now instead of monthly – says we miss too much if we only do it monthly,” He shrugged as he saw Remus still looking at him, listening intently.

“I think he thinks if we’d all kept in touch better over the last few years they may have noticed that all was not well between me and Mary and this saga could have been shortened somewhat,” he finished.

“Do they normally happen on Fridays, like the last one you went to?” Remus asked thoughtfully.

“Yes,” Sirius felt a spike of anxiety that maybe he was pushing Remus too hard, “of course, if you have other plans there’s no obligation to come,” Sirius rushed out.

Remus turned to search Sirius’s face. His thoughtful expression softened as he clearly identified the panic in Sirius’s expression. Then he smiled softly, almost shyly. He looked toward the path they were walking.

“I’ll come if you want me to,” he said softly, flicking his eyes back to Sirius and there was something dark and suggestive there. Sirius felt himself blush and he looked away, flustered.

“Are you gonna invite Reg?” Remus asked and Sirius was broken out of his attempt to calm his blood pressure.

“I was thinking about it,” Sirius responded honestly, “I have to run it by James – he er, still carries a bit of a grudge…” he finished with a wince.

“I’m seeing him later this week though,” Sirius started again, “We’re going for drinks at some point.”

“I’m glad, Sirius,” Remus said to his side, oblivious to the internal thrill Sirius felt at Remus’s use of his name. In Remus’s ever-so-slightly accented, deep lilt his name sounded melodic like it was made for Remus and Remus alone to say.

Just then, they reached the end of the cul-de-sac.

They stopped at the path to Remus’s door and faced each other.

“I hope it goes okay,” Sirius said sincerely, wishing he could say more to help, “call me after, okay?”

“I have some physical therapy this afternoon, so it may only be after that, but I promise I will,”

“Okay,” Sirius said, not knowing how to end the interaction now that it was clearly coming to a close.

Remus looked down at him and smiled like he was having the same conundrum. Sirius decided to break the stalemate and stepped toward Remus with his arms held out. Remus responded immediately, allowing Sirius to slip his arms around Remus’s waist, while his own long limbs wrapped around Sirius’s shoulders and his face nuzzled into the side of Sirius’s head. Sirius inhaled deeply at the base of Remus’s neck, smelling the clove-y scent of his aftershave, and taking in the subtly lingering notes of coffee and scone from his breakfast. He felt Remus take in an unsteady breath before he felt his arms tighten slightly over Sirius’s shoulders before releasing him.

When they broke apart, Sirius noted that Remus felt just as sheepish as he did because in a characteristic move, Remus’s one hand was shoved into the pocket of his (very nicely fitting) slacks, and the other went to rub at the back of his neck, causing the navy dress shirt to pull at where it was tucked into the waistband and around the shoulders where Remus reached behind his head.

With that adorable image burned into his mind, Sirius lifted his hand in a small wave, walking backwards towards the complex. Remus dropped his hand from where it was behind his head and used it to wave back.

When Sirius was sure he’d make a tit of himself if he walked backward any longer, he spun on his heel and walked forward, and was very proud that he only turned back to see Remus watching him walk away the one time.

Notes:

I needed some fluff - so here's some fluff for you.
Thank you for reading, commenting, etc <3

Chapter 20: To You I Can Admit That I'm Just Too Soft For All Of It

Summary:

Remus has a meeting with Albus

TW: I won't sugarcoat it, it's a rough one, Y'all.
Chronic illness, corporate bullying, performance management, emotional/professional blackmail, ableism, feelings of hopelessness and mentions of past injustice.

There are forehead kisses if that's any consolation, but I've put a brief summary in the notes at the bottom if you're not in a good place to read but you'd like to know what happens - take care of yourself, the fic will still be here when you're in a better place to read the tough bits.

Remus

-

Remus stepped into the publishing offices later that day with the feeling of a trap being coiled around him, ready to spring shut.

He shook his head, deciding that it wouldn’t be as bad as he was expecting. They would listen to reason and though he may have to temper the column and its content for a few weeks, nothing would come of it. The mag had insurance for liability, and Albus knew that the mag’s readership had improved following the column’s inclusion. He stepped into the Jargon’s floor from the elevator and was met by Regulus slouching against the opposite wall facing the doors Remus entered from.

“It's worse than I thought it would be, Remus,” he began without preamble, “They’ve assembled representatives from the legal team, HR, and management to provide a kind of united front to show that they’re in agreement.

Remus looked at him in alarm.

I’ve asked to be there in support of you, to illustrate that I don’t agree with their stance, but they’ve said as it’s a managing issue, they only want management there. I can walk you over though.

They walked in silence until Remus and Reg were standing outside the executive conference room.

“I’ll meet you after," Reg said holding the door open and stepping aside for Remus to step inside the room.

"Thanks, Reg," Remus croaked as he closed the door behind him.

Reg was right, they’d only invited the execs to play, it seemed.

Albus sat in the middle of the group, with the manager of HR to his left and the head of the legal division; (and Remus’s least favorite person to walk the earth) Fenrir Greyback sat to his right. There were a few other representatives of Greater Good Publishing from their finance and operations team, but Remus knew they were there mainly to fortify the ranks against Remus. Delightful.

“Remus, come in,” Albus said cooly, scanning him over the top of his half-moon glasses.

Remus sat on the other end of the table, eyes scanning across the set of faces watching him from the other side. Alarm bells were going off in Remus’s brain and he sensed the preverbial snap of a snare catching at his flesh as the trap he’d tried to talk himself out of anticipating snapped shut. Remus sat straight in his chair, raised his chin in defiance, and fixed Albus with a direct look. Very few people comfortably met the older man’s x-ray gaze, but Remus had always prided himself on his ability to meet it without cowering.

“We’ll make this brief, Remus.

When you put forward the idea of the chronic illness column, I was receptive to the idea. It made sense to expand our readership to a more diverse audience, thus increasing sales and advertising opportunities. I didn’t ask questions regarding the columnist's identity since you made it clear from the beginning that their information was reliable and contingent on their ability to remain anonymous.
I have been satisfied with the response of the column, and it certainly seems to have resonated with a few of the readers,”

Remus fought the urge to snort, crossing his arms where he still sat, injecting an arrogant tilt to his shoulders while listening to the diatribe.

“But in recent weeks, we have begun to receive complaints from hospitals, and even a few threats of a litigious nature regarding the way the claims of the columnist have emboldened and influenced the way that patients are demanding care from providers.

Last week in particular, when you were so conveniently absent, due to family bereavement,” Albus’s tone had turned derisive, “A representative of the NHS personally delivered a letter from their lawyers, demanding that we provide both the identity of the writer so that they could investigate their claims of negligence – entirely for the writer’s benefit of course-”

Remus did snort softly this time, prompting a glare from Fenrir across the table. Remus glared back.

“As well as proof of their claims, otherwise they would be bringing defamation and liability suites against Greater Good Publishing for the damage to their reputation.”

Albus paused to gather a packet of documents organised in a ring binder and slid the binder across the table towards Remus, who uncrossed his arms to pull it towards himself.

“The situation is thus, Remus,” Albus continued, “Either you produce the author's identity and their documents of proof by Friday, or we gut the column and begin an investigation into the manor in which the Jargon is edited.”

Albus met Remus with a flinty gaze, waiting for his response.

Remus took a deep breath to avoid either storming out or else saying something that he'd definitely get fired for.

“Respectfully, Albus,” Remus began firmly, “The author will not budge on the condition of their anonymity.”

“We would not be providing the information for the general public, Remus,” Albus responded in a condescending tone which made Remus’s hackles rise further, “We would only be providing it to our lawyers, headed up by Fenrir here,” Greyback’s smirk told Remus just how safe that information would be, “The columnist would remain totally anonymous in the magazine’s printing.”

“Respectfully, Albus,” Remus repeated, unable to keep the growl from his tone as he stared daggers at Greyback, “It would be unethical to force someone to divulge personal details about their medical treatment-”

“They do that already though,” Greyback snapped with a mean glint toward Remus, “They already expose most of their experiences in the column, how is this different?"

“It’s different,” Remus bit out.

“They choose to provide information about their experiences so that it can help doctors treat other chronically ill patients, and so it can support the chronically ill to advocate for fair treatment. They do not choose to divulge information that could expose them without their consent.”

Remus met their glares with one of his own, his blood boiling under his skin.

“This is not up for negotiation, Remus,” Albus said sharply.

“You will provide the information we have requested or you will be subject to an audit regarding your role in editing the Jargon. Now, you are all dismissed.” Albus clipped to the room in general.

“Not you, Remus, we still have business to attend to.” Albus threw at Remus as he had begun to rise from his seat. He sat back down, catching Regulus’s eye as he lingered in the doorway waiting for Remus. Regulus’s eyes darted to a nearby nook where Remus knew he’d be waiting when Remus was finished. Remus nodded imperceptibly.

When everyone had left, beside Remus and Albus, Albus raised his head to look at Remus who had adopted the same direct look he’d been giving Albus since the meeting had begun.

“Remus, we need to discuss your working arrangement as well,” he began, looking into Remus’s narrowed eyes.

“This whole situation has led me to surmise that there is closer oversite needed in the office, which means that we will need to adjust your flexible arrangement to work from home part of the week and have you in the office for at least a few hours every day.”

Alarm was roiling through Remus now. His routine was a finely oiled machine. He had orchestrated his life around only coming into the office on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday and working from home on Monday and Friday.

“I understand that you need,” he emphasized the word need to sound derisive, “the flexibility for your medical care, but I’m afraid without disclosing the exact nature of those medical appointments as well as a medical certificate detailing the nature of your illness, then that arrangement will not be able to continue. Additionally, if your illness is truly so incapacitating that it renders you so frequently unable to attend work in person, then it might be necessary to re-evaluate your position at the Jargon.”

Remus stared at him in shock. And then his stomach dropped and it felt like an anvil had been smashed against his chest. He fought to continue breathing calmly, refusing to let Albus see the extent of his distress.

“I understand that you have standing appointments for this afternoon?” Albus continued, and Remus nodded jerkily.

“Well, my expectation is that after today, you adjust those appointments to make sure you are in the office every day from at least 10 am to 4 pm when I keep my hours while you are still on probation.”

Remus was speechless. Did Albus realise what he was asking of Remus?

Then it hit Remus, this had always been the plan. Either way, by exposing him through the column, or exposing him through disclosure of his condition, Albus wanted Remus out. He didn’t care how it would affect Remus, because Remus wasn’t worth the effort of defending his editing choices in the face of the combined might of the NHS and hospital boards who wanted the magazine to cut the column. Albus had clearly known the entire time that Remus was sicker than he let on, and possibly even that he had authored the column, he’d just never said anything because it never served him. But now that his bottom line was being threatened, he was using Remus as both scapegoat and ammunition to protect his profit. It didn’t matter what he did, Remus would be exposed and the company would have ‘no choice’ but to find an editor who didn’t publish his own writing anonymously or take flexible working hours because of illness, and would axe the column regardless, because after all and as always, the chronically ill were never important enough to give a shit about in the first place. Not to Albus, not to the hospitals, and not to the world.

***

Sirius

-

Sirius was finishing up his end-of-day prep at the shop around five-ish when his phone began to vibrate.

He finished putting away his box of tools, placing them on the metal shelving unit in his workshop, and then pulled his phone out of his back pocket, smiling to see Remus’s name across the screen. He was even more excited to see that Remus was video-calling him. Sirius hurried over to his worktop and placed the phone against the box of mesh sitting on it and accepted the call.

Remus’s face appeared on Sirius’s mobile screen and gave Sirius a small smile. Sirius smiled back, trying not to read into the flat look in his eyes or the disheveled mess of his hair. Remus had said he had physio that afternoon, maybe it had been particularly draining.

“Hey,” Sirius smiled into the phone.

“Hey,” Remus said with a more genuine smile this time although it didn't quite meet his eyes.

Something that Sirius didn’t know he’d been holding tightly in his chest unclenched at the soft look.

“How was your day? Did the meeting go okay?” Sirius asked, wanting to understand Remus’s drawn expression and the tense creasing around his eyes.

Remus just looked at him through the phone, looking like he was struggling to know where to begin. The longer he looked at Sirius, the more upset he seemed to become until he finally dropped his head into his hands and groaned unhappily.

“Remus -Hey, hey,” Sirius said quickly, unnerved by the way that Remus was softly banging his head onto his kitchen table over and over in apparent frustration and unhappiness.

“I’m coming over,” Sirius said, grabbing his phone and shoving his wallet and keys into his pockets.

He just registered Remus’s small “okay,” before he flicked the lights off in the shop, flipped the sign to show they were closed and locked the door behind him.

“I’ll be 5 minutes – less even, just hold on, I have to hang up to drive.”

Remus lifted his head enough to nod into the table, and Sirius hated to do it, but he selected “end call” and his screen went dark.

He jogged to his bike and took a few breaths while he put his helmet on. It would help no one, least of all Remus if he wrapped his bike around a tree before he got to his place.

Four and a half minutes later, Sirius pulled up to Remus’s house. He didn’t want to even think about the land-speed record he’d broken getting over there, but it didn’t seem important as he sprinted from his bike to the front door and knocked before trying the doorknob and finding it already unlocked.

Sirius let himself in and dumped his things on the bureau in the entry and hurried through to the kitchen, finding Remus still sitting at the table, leaning his head against the surface.

Sirius hurried over to him placing his hands on Remus’s shoulders and physically lifting his torso into an upright position. He pulled a chair over with his foot and sat looking into Remus’s miserable face.

He scanned Remus’s visage and made sure there wasn’t anything physically wrong – at least on the surface – and placed one hand on Remus’s shoulder and brought the other up to cradle his cheek, heart squeezing at the way Remus shut his eyes and leaned into Sirius’s touch.

“Hey, hey,” Sirius said softly, stroking Remus’s cheek with his thumb, “take some deep breaths for me,” he took a breath in illustration and felt relief flood his system as Remus opened his eyes and looked into Sirius’s. They took several deep breaths together, Sirius still cradling Remus’s face and holding him steady by his shoulder.

Finally, after several minutes of that, Remus’s expression had eased, his eyes softening to the liquid chocolate pools that Sirius knew best as he looked back at Sirius.

“What do you need?” Sirius asked softly.

“I – I don’t know,” Remus responded looking forlornly back.

“Wait here, okay?” Sirius said with a stroke of genius. He stood and removed his hand from Remus’s shoulder to take his other cheek and tiltted his chin to look up at him. He leaned down and kissed Remus’s forehead before hurrying over to the kettle to fill it. He brought down two mugs and fished around until he found the tea bags, the teapot, and some honey. He went to Remus’s fridge and brought out the milk.

He made two cups of honeyed tea and brought it over to set in front of Remus who gave him a tremulous but grateful smile. He took a sip and his brow furrowed in incredulity as he looked at Sirius in surprise.

“Holy shit, this stuff does work!” Remus said, sounding more normal after the initial sip.

Sirius flicked his eyebrows mischievously in response, taking his own fortifying gulp of the sweet drink.

“Can we move to the living room?” Remus asked, taking another sip.

“Of course,” Sirius stood and stuck his hand out.

Remus gripped his offered hand and Sirius hauled him to his feet.

Sirius led Remus to the living room by his hand, only letting go to let Remus choose his seat. Remus chose the two-and-a-half seater sofa, settling down with his legs folded under him. Sirius sat at the other end of the couch, mirroring Remus’s position and holding his mug between his hands.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sirius asked, lifting the mug to his mouth.

“It was so bad, Sirius,” Remus said looking into his mug

“Reg was right, they want to out the columnist,” he continued and Sirius nodded encouragingly, “they gave me an ultimatum; either I provide their identity and their documentation proving their experiences aren’t fabricated, or they axe the column and ‘audit my role at the Jargon.’ And that’s not it,” Remus looked up at Sirius, eyes owlish and anxious, “Albus wants me to give up my working flexibility so he can provide better oversite – he wants me there 5 days a week between 10 and 4 so that he can oversee my work. And if I want to keep my flexibility, I’ll need to provide medical disclosure as to the nature of my illness which may prompt a reassessment of my role.”

Sirius took in a sharp breath in horror at the implication of that impossible ultimatum while Remus continued.

"My therapies are dependent on having a routine, and enough time to rest before and after. I can divert from my routine every now and then or adapt with enough notice but I manage my symptoms because I have a flexible work schedule. If I can’t work from home on Monday and Friday, and take time off during flare-ups they’re going to get more frequent and it increases my chances of complications. I already push the time off during flares by working from home-” Remus broke off, overwhelmed and upset.

Sirius placed his mug on a side table and got up to take Remus’s mug from him before shifting closer to Remus and taking his hand into his lap. Remus’s hand was large and flat with long, beautifully made fingers. Sirius gently pressed his thumbs into the palm of Remus’s hand, massaging outward to the bases of his fingers.

“It doesn’t matter what I choose to do,” Remus said, looking at Sirius helplessly

“If I admit I write the column then it’s a conflict of interest and the mag will axe the column and probably fire me for creating liability for the publishers. If I don’t provide the identity of the columnist, my position gets ‘audited’ for placing the publishers at risk and I probably get fired anyway. If I manage to convince the company that it would be unethical to out the columnist and they, by some miracle, decide to keep the column, then I will definitely get performance managed out when I inevitably have to take more time off or produce my medical records just to have my physical and emotional stability questioned when they find out the extent of my illness. They just want me gone,”

Remus said this last sentence with the most heartbreakingly broken expression, eyes wide and lip trembling.

Sirius shifted closer and circled Remus in his arms, bringing his head down to his shoulder and resting his temple against it as he rocked slightly. Remus snaked his arms around Sirius’s waist, clinging to Sirius’s t-shirt. They sat like that for a few minutes, Remus crying silently into Sirius’s shoulder and Sirius making soothing sounds, alternating between using both arms to hold Remus tightly, and reaching up to stroke his hair.

“It just feels like this is what the rest of my life will look like,” Remus spoke into Sirius’s shoulder, sniffing deeply.

"I feel like I’m always going to be stuck in this position of keeping up appearances just enough for someone to keep me around, but if I step out of line and talk about what I’m going through or get sick on a weekday I’m going to be too much to keep around and they’ll show me the door.”

“This has happened before, then?” Sirius asked into Remus’s temple, punctuating the question with a kiss to the damp curls.

“In some capacity or other,” Remus said settling into Sirius’s chest with a sigh.

Sirius shifted his position then, temporarily removing his arms from around Remus to scoot back on the couch to recline against the arm of the sofa. He caught Remus’s hand as he made to move back to his original seated position and tugged Remus toward him, encouraging him to lie between Sirius and the back of the couch with his head pillowed on Sirius’s chest.

“Tell me?” Sirius asked, bringing the arm under Remus around his shoulders to rub soothing circles over Remus’s back.

And so, Sirius lay and listened as Remus told him about how every institution he’d ever put his faith into had failed him.

He spoke of the way the early doctors had accused him of faking his limp and encouraged his father to enroll him in sports to ‘build his confidence’ and help him make friends so he would stop looking for attention. He talked about how his coaches had forced him to run laps as punishment when he complained of pain and fatigue. How even when he was finally diagnosed, his school would send him home with embarrassing letters, telling his father that he couldn’t stay awake during class and how behavioral issues like this were distracting the class. They’d ask for medical certificates and when they were provided, the teachers would embarrass him in class, talking about his illness like he was doing it deliberately to inconvenience the school.

Remus described how he jumped between hospo jobs when he started working because he’d take too much leave and piss off the manager, and how nine times out of ten, when he discussed his illness in interviews, he’d see their faces cloud over and watch the opportunity dry up in front of him. He spoke of how, during uni, he’d live off a pittance, only able to hold down a couple of shifts a week and just making average in his classes to get into postgrad on a hardship scholarship. He talked about how he’d almost turned the scholarship down because he couldn’t afford student accommodation, until one day, Poppy’s lawyer had turned up and told him he had a fully furnished house, courtesy of the only person in his life since his mother who had treated him like he mattered more than the inconvenience of his illness.

When he finally finished speaking into the fabric of Sirius’s shirt, taking a ragged breath, Sirius leaned his head down to kiss his forehead again. Remus tilted his head to look up at Sirius, his warm gaze melting something inside Sirius as he gazed back.

Eventually, Remus’s eyes began to flutter shut and Sirius pulled him closer, whispering the same words into Remus’s ear that James had said less than a week ago when he’d arrived after his breakup with Mary.

“We’ll sort it, okay?”

“Yeah?” Remus asked sleepily.

“I promise, Remus,” Sirius responded, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Sirius lay there as Remus grew heavy and warm on his chest in sleep. He lay holding Remus, thinking that there wasn't much he wouldn't do to protect Remus from ever feeling this way again.

Notes:

-Remus gets to the office
- Reg warns him that the meeting will be worse than they anticipated
-Albus is there with representatives of all of the branches of the company including the head of legal Fenrir Greyback
-They give Remus an ultimatum: provide the identity of the columnist + evidence of their experiences or there will be an audit of his role at the mag
-They also tell Remus that his flexible working arrangement will come to an end as there needs to be more "oversite" in the editing
-This compromises Remus's ability to manage his symptoms

-Later, Remus calls Sirius in distress
-Sirius goes over to Remus's house to offer support
-Sirius listens to all of the shitty things that Remus has been put through because of his illness
-They fall asleep on the couch together after Sirius promises that they'll work it out and that Remus isn't alone in this.

ngl, it was a tough one to write.

Thank you for reading as always <3

Chapter 21: I’ve Got a Tight Grip for Reality But I Can’t Let Go of What’s in Front of Me Here

Summary:

The lads talk strategy

TW: anxiety, chronic illness, some not so happy thoughts relating to rejection from people who's job it is to accept you. Sex to fill the void etc (nothing explicit and mentioned in passing.)

There is some steam in this chapter - I will mark it with a single * so if you want to skip it you can

Remus

-

Remus woke up warm, with his face nestled against soft skin and early morning stubble.

He was pressed facedown against a firm shoulder covered by a crumpled, branded t-shirt. His knee was slotted between long, light-wash denim-clad legs. Remus inhaled deeply to find that the long black hair that had woken him by tickling his face smelled of cocoa butter.

Sirius’s arm tightened around Remus’s shoulders in his sleep, pulling him closer and Remus was not about to complain. He moved his hand from where it was resting on Sirius’s collarbone, and instead slipped it over Sirius’s waist, snuggling his face deeper into the fragrant skin of Sirius’s neck.

Remus tried to remember the last time someone had held him like this. Something fizzed inside him as he realised that Sirius might just be the first. And he’d laid there patiently as Remus had talked himself ragged, without expectation, and without anything to add other than his warm chest and sweet touches. He’d not moved or tried to turn it into anything else, honouring Remus’s story and giving him the gift of a soft place to land when he’d had the rug summarily pulled out from under him the day before.

“We’ll sort it, okay?” Sirius had whispered to him as he’d succumbed to exhaustion with the reassuring weight of Sirius’s hand on his back.

“I’m not going anywhere,” He’d promised.

And Remus supposed he hadn’t. It was the morning after Remus had wrecked Sirius’s t-shirt with tears and snot, and he was still there.

Just then, Sirius began to stir under him, humming slightly.

Remus watched as Sirius’s eyes began to flutter open. Their eyes met and Sirius smiled sleepily. He shifted, turning to face Remus until they were both on their sides, wrapped in each other’s arms, virtually nose to nose.

Remus felt his heartrate hike as he felt Sirius’s breath ghost against his lips.

He stared into Sirius’s bleary, blinking eyes and allowed himself the fantasy that this might happen again, preferably in a bed, with fewer clothes between them and without a proverbial sword hanging over his head.

Sirius took a moment to look over Remus’s face in the low light of the morning.

“What time is it?” Sirius asked in a husky voice that Remus immediately put on top of the list of things he enjoyed about Sirius.

Remus raised his left arm from around Sirius’s waist and checked his watch, enjoying Sirius’s pleased little smile when he lowered his arm back to fall over his waist, drawing him close again.

“Just before six,” Remus replied.

“Sirius hummed in acknowledgment, using the hand not under Remus to stroke up the arm holding him by the waist.

“How are you?” Sirius asked, his brow furrowing slightly.

“Better – less impending doom this morning, anyway” Remus responded with a breath of laughter which Sirius returned.

“Thank you for coming over,” Remus filled the temporary silence, “Normally I can keep calm in that kind of situation-”

“Remus you were having a perfectly valid response to a completely shitty thing,” Sirius cut him off, “of course I came. No way I was leaving you to do that on your own."

Completely overwhelmed, Remus ducked his head into the hollow of Sirius’s neck again, afraid that if he kept looking into that earnestly kind face he’d do something to ruin the moment, like snog the shit out of him.

Sirius brought a soft hand to the back of Remus’s neck, holding him close.

“Do you need to get going?” Remus mumbled into Sirius’s skin, “I imagine you need to get ready to open the shop?”

“Nah,” Sirius said to the top of his head, “let me use your shower again and loan me a clean t-shirt and then I’ll be good to go,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Plus,” he continued, “I had some things I wanted to go over with you before you go in today.”

Remus lifted his head so he could look at Sirius curiously.

“…some things…” Remus mumbled uncomprehendingly.

“Mhmm,” Sirius nodded a little and started to shift into a sitting position, “But first I need to use your loo,”

Remus used the back of the couch to leverage himself off of Sirius’s chest to let him up, trying to quash the feeling of loss he felt without the warmth of Sirius against him.

Sirius got to his feet stood with his back to Remus and reached up, stretching out from side to side and flexing his sleep-stiffened muscles. Remus couldn’t help but stare at the place where his t-shirt rose up over the dimples in Sirius’s lower back. He watched Sirius walking away with a hollow feeling expanding in his rib cage, the contentment he’d felt as he’d woken up evaporating as Sirius left the room and his mind began to cloud over with doubt.

Maybe this wasn't as big of a deal for Sirius.

Remus suddenly remembered how Sirius had clung to James on Saturday morning – the familiarity and the comfortable way they were always touching. Maybe falling asleep together was a regular occurrence for them as well.

Remus struggled to shove down the wave of jealousy and insecurity that was creeping into the hollow space. Whether it meant anything to Sirius or not, Remus felt suddenly cold without the furnace of Sirius’s skin under him and bereft of his chest's slight rise and fall as he breathed. He sat leaning his elbows on his knees, running his hands through his hair as he tried to pull it together before Sirius came back.

This was why Remus didn’t do this. He didn’t spend the night or cuddle – especially not when there had not even been any sex. He didn’t do this because all it did was show him how much he’d missed out on and how much he would hurt when it was inevitably taken from him.

He’d been a naturally affectionate person before everything had happened.

He’d always been the kind to sit on his da’s lap to read bedtime stories. Well, until his diagnosis that is. And his mum would have to hold his hand in the supermarket as he babbled along to her right until she passed. When Poppy had taken care of him, he’d often find himself falling asleep with her in her lazy boy as she’d held him, mopping his fevered forehead with iced water and massaging the muscles around the joints to ease the pain when the meds stopped working.

He’d never been a person who shied away from the touch of others until it was just him and Lyall and he’d been rejected so many times that he’d realised that his need for touch was just another thing that made people tired of him.

So, he started scratching the itch in other ways. He’d kissed both girls and boys behind the shed in secondary until he figured out that he preferred boys. Eventually, the snog sessions had turned into more, and he discovered that casual sex was a great band-aid for someone touch-starved to pretend they were wanted.

But he never allowed anyone to stay the night, and apart from the appropriate aftercare, he never cuddled for extended periods or ever went out of his way to see them again. To do that would be to risk the crippling hurt and disappointment when he inevitably woke up next to someone with their backs turned to him, who avoided his eye over coffee and waved him off coldly rather than hugged him goodbye.

Sirius had been different from the get. It was like Remus couldn’t help but be more himself when Sirius was around. He kept having to catch himself to stop from touching him.

In the car when Remus had cried on his shoulder, it had been because Sirius had initiated the contact, but he hadn’t thought twice before gathering Sirius to him on the beach or touching his leg under tables. Sirius had hugged him goodbye yesterday, and Remus hadn’t even flinched as his arms had circled his waist.

Falling asleep together last night had taken the cracks that Sirius was causing in his careful exterior and gradually expanded them into caverns. And they were beginning to fill with the uncertainty that Remus had worked very hard never to have to feel again.

Sirius broke his reverie by walking into the room carrying two steaming mugs. He handed one to Remus.

“I hope you don’t mind, I took the liberty of making some coffee,” he said with a smile as he sat beside close Remus.

Remus took the proffered mug and suppressed a thrill that Sirius didn't move to the other side of the couch as Remus had expected him to. Instead, Sirius sat with his legs crossed under him, facing Remus, who folded his legs in imitation and turned towards him. They sat knee touching knee on the sofa, both leaning on their legs, blowing on their hot mugs. Remus felt the anxiety begin to abate at Sirius’s continued proximity.

“I want to talk to you about what you want to do,” Sirius started cautiously, “About the Jargon.”

***

Sirius

-

Remus frowned down at is coffee he held in front of him.

Suddenly worried he’d already pushed too far, Sirius hastened to continue.

“I’m not saying you have to do anything,” he started, and Remus looked up at him with those owlish eyes, his eyebrows pinched under his adorably mussed morning hair. Sirius resisted the urge to run his hands through it to push the hair off Remus’s forehead.

“But I want you to know you have options,” He continued quickly.

“I’m not sure that’s true,” Remus began, “I know that what they’re doing is probably illegal-”

Sirius snorted and interrupted, “It’s definitely illegal, Remus.”

“Okay, but I don’t know what good it will do to do something other than resign before they can fire me,” He shrugged, “and I don’t know if I want to work at a place that’s run by people that see me as that expendable.”

Sirius nodded in understanding.

“Okay, so regardless of what you choose to do, we can both agree that the executives are corrupt and not worth working for,” Sirius commented, “The question is whether we let them get away with it, or rip the problem out by the roots and then make sure the company is either run by someone with even a fraction more ethical responsibility or make sure it crumbles from the top.”

Remus frowned thoughtfully.

“I think I like the first option better,” Remus said, nodding, “If I’m going to fight back, I don’t want it to fall back on my team who care just as much as I do about getting the right information to the public.”

“But you agree that you can’t just take this lying down, right?” Sirius asked hopefully.

“I don’t want to,” Remus said, suddenly sounding less unsure, and more like the growling animal from Saturday morning.

“Good,” Sirius said smiling, feeling the spark of a new challenge ignite in him again at the determination reflected at him from Remus.

Remus smiled back at him ruefully, before his smile faltered and uncertainty coloured his expression again.

“I probably can’t though,” He said quietly, looking down at his mug, “they have a whole legal team and my savings won’t cover potentially weeks of litigation."

Sirius did lean into Remus’s space then and used a finger to bring his chin up to look at him. Remus’s eyes flashed with surprise as he met Sirius’s.

“Remus, you know I’m a corporate lawyer right?”

Remus’s eyes widened and he started to speak, but Sirius just brought his thumb up to press against his lips to keep him from interrupting.

“And you know that Regulus studied corporate law as well right? And his experience with HR makes him uniquely qualified to help,”

Remus’s eyes continued to grow wider as Sirius shifted his face closer to Remus, placing his cup on the floor in the process, until he was just an inch or so away from his nose touching Remus’s.

“I picked up my phone on the way in from the kitchen,” Sirius went on, dropping his voice into a low rumble and watching Remus’s pupils expand.

“Regulus resigned after you left yesterday,” he said staring into Remus’s eyes.

Sirius's eyes darted down to Remus's lips and back up.

“We’re in your corner if you want us, Remus,” Sirius exhaled, using his thumbs to rub gently at Remus’s lower lip, his eyes dropping to note with interest again at the way his lips seemed to be darker along the outline than they were in their full, delicious looking center.

Sirius snapped his eyes up to look into Remus’s eyes again, allowing his smile to grow into a feral smirk.

“And I will personally go to fucking war for you if you give me even the slightest indication that that’s what you want.”

*

There was a beat of silence between them and the air was thick with possibility.

Then something changed in Remus’s gaze, and a noise like a growl rose in his throat as he leaned forward, closing the distance between them, meeting Sirius’s lips with his own.

Sirius lunged forward in response, grabbing the now empty cup from Remus and shoving it in the direction of the floor, and then using his hands to take Remus’s face and pull him closer. Remus responded by gripping Sirius’s waist and pulling him towards him.

Sirius climbed into Remus’s lap as their lips moved over each other hungrily. Sirius settled over Remus’s hips, running his tongue along Remus’s upper lip, breathing out in satisfaction when Remus’s lips parted and Sirius slipped his tongue into his mouth. He tasted the coffee Remus had been sipping a moment ago and a heady flavour that must just be Remus.

Sirius groaned in his throat, and Remus’s hand pushed on Sirius’s lower back until he arched so that they were flush against each other. Sirius gasped at the contact and Remus broke away from his mouth to pay his neck some attention.

“So-,” Sirius panted slightly, as Remus found his pulse point and sucked, “You’re into men, then I take it?” He finished.

Remus broke away from his work on Sirius’s neck looking at him quizzically and with a touch of amusement, he huffed a laugh which turned into full-on guffaws and Sirius found himself laughing back, giddy with the heady rush of snogging Remus’s face off before seven in the morning.

“Yes,” Remus said through his mirth, leaning his forehead against Sirius’s collarbone, “I like men,” he said the last part of his sentence as his laughter faded into something else.

He lifted his head and looked at Sirius – he looked that looked like he wanted to eat Sirius alive.

Just then, Sirius’s mobile began to ring, startling them both.

Sirius huffed in frustration, leaning forward and raising himself on his knees so he could reach his back pocket where he’d shoved his phone not long ago. This put him firmly within reach of Remus, who promptly took advantage of the proximity to bite at Sirius’s collarbone.

Sirius checked the caller ID, his free hand resting at the back of Remus’s neck, and answered.

“Reg?”

Remus stilled the delightful things he was doing against Sirius’s skin with his tongue and pulled away, looking at Sirius with interest.

*

“Sirius,” Reg’s voice began in his ear, “have you spoken to Remus since yesterday? I haven’t been able to contact him since I texted you last night,”

“I have…” Sirius said circumspectly, glaring down at Remus who was laughing at him now with a hungry look still lingering on his features.

“Oh, thank god,” Reg breathed out in relief, “Is he okay? Does he know what he wants to do?”

“er,” Sirius started, raising his eyebrows at Remus, who looked back at him innocently, “He’s frustrated,” Sirius settled on, quirking his head at Remus suggestively and earning him a smothered guffaw behind Remus’s hand.

“I think he wants to give it some thought,” Sirius continued, lifting off of Remus and picking up the discarded cups as he stood and walked to the other room in order to think straight without Remus literally underneath him.

“He was worried about the legal council aspect, but I told him we’d have that covered.”

“Good. I can’t burn that place down literally, but I want to hit them with so much litigation that they’ll want to do it themselves but the time we’re done,” Regulus snarled.

Sirius smirked.

“The flower fairies won’t miss you though?” Reg asked with faux concern.

Sirius barked a laugh – oh, this was going to be fun.

“Nah, I’ll ask Marlene to cover if I need to leave them to their circle,” he replied with a smirk.

“Good,” Reg said curtly, “can I meet you at your shop later today?”

“Don’t you have a notice period to work out?” Sirius asked, noticing Remus ascending the stairs and hearing the shower turn on.

“Nope, they let me out of my notice - Guess the Walburga eyes did the trick.”

Sirius shivered.

“Yep, that will do it – meet me at the shop around 10, I’ll organise things with Remus and Marlene,”

“See you then,” Reg signed off before ending the call.

Sirius quickly flicked a text through to Marlene asking her to come in before opening the notes app on his phone to make a list of things to be done. Engrossed as he was, he didn’t notice Remus leaning against the door watching him until he cleared his throat softly.

Remus had changed into a pair of work slacks and a collared shirt pulled through one of his woolen, autumnal-coloured jerseys. His hair was damp and curling haphazardly over his forehead and he had his hands shoved into his pockets sheepishly. When Sirius looked up, he smiled shyly.

“Shower’s free,” he said softly, “I left a t-shirt for you on the spare bed.”

“Thanks,” Sirius felt his cheeks warm as they held the gaze.

“Regulus is going to meet me at the shop to strategize,” he got up from his seat, “fancy a scone before work?”

“Sure,” Remus responded with a lopsided smile.

Remus stepped aside as Sirius passed him to get through the door, but grabbed Sirius by the hand before he could start up the stairs.

“Sirius, I-” He started, looking suddenly vulnerable, “I can’t thank you enough.”

“Of course, Remus,” Sirius looked into the brown pools of Remus’s eyes, running his thumb over the palm of his hand.

“It’s like I said;” Sirius stepped closer and placed a kiss on Remus’s cheek, “Anything. Always,”

Chapter 22: All You Have is Your Fire And the Place You Need to Reach

Summary:

At this point, I'm wondering if this fic semi-qualifies as a coffee shop AU with the amount of coffee and scones these lads get.
Anyway, in the aftermath of the couch (TM), Reg, Remus and Sirius make plans

TW: mutual pining, Greater Good's corrupt fuckery, people with disabilities being taken advantage of

Notes:

Full disclosure, I am not a lawyer.
I have run most of what goes on from here on out by my cousin who did study corporate law, and did my best to do some research into some of the specifics regarding provisions made for people with long-term health conditions in the UK as well as union stuff but it's probably not perfect *shrugs*

Big thanks go to PhantomGrimalkin who comments every time I post and engages in some truly stimulating discourse <3 Thank you! x

Remus

-

Remus and Sirius were just rounding the corner into the complex when they spotted Reg already standing at the cart, peering into the cabinet.

They walked up behind him and from next to Remus, Sirius jogged forwards to poke his brother in the side, surprising him and garnering a squeak that up until this point, Remus had never thought possible for Regulus to make.

“Jesus Christ Sirius,” Reg huffed, turning to his brother doubled over in laughter. Remus suppressed his own mirth at the look of incensed incredulity directed toward Sirius.

“You know we’re adults, right?” Reg growled.

“Well, do adults also turn up at appointments over an hour early?” Sirius said, recovering from his humour.

“I’m not used to having free time, alright,” Reg spluttered indignantly, “I figured I could have some coffee and breakfast while I waited.”

Reg finally seemed to notice Remus standing to the side, watching the free entertainment of the Black brothers interacting.

“Remus,” Reg greeted him with raised brows, hand out to shake Remus’s hand.

When Remus took his hand to shake he watched as Reg made a brief facial journey as he put together that he and Sirius had obviously arrived together. Remus felt himself blush and Reg gave him a small smirk in response but said nothing else – classy bloke.

“Reg,” Remus nodded back, eyes darting towards Sirius who was standing by the cabinet with his hands shoved into his pockets, face pink and sheepish as he looked back, the silver in his ice-blue eyes moving like mercury over Remus.

Sirius was wearing Remus’s grey David Bowie T-shirt, which hung fetchingly from his frame, even if it gaped slightly around his neck, revealing the hickey that Remus had left on his pulse point that morning. His hair was still damp and was drying in ringlets around his face. Paired with the pink of his blush and the bruised red of his mouth, he looked perfectly lovely and absolutely fuckable. This thought reminded Remus that Sirius had left his leather jacket slung over the back of one of the chairs at Remus’s kitchen table.

Remus wondered if Sirius had left it deliberately. Regardless, Sirius would need to come back for it at some point, and when he did, Remus hoped to finish what they’d started on his couch that morning.

Remus noticed then that Regulus was standing off to the side, flicking his eyes between his brother staring at Remus and Remus staring back, and cleared his throat to diffuse the tension.

“So, uh.. my shout for the pastries today?” Remus asked making his way to the counter to find that it wasn’t being manned by Dorcas, but rather by a grumpy-looking older man, sitting on a stool to take his weight off a prosthetic leg, visible under the knee-length shorts he wore. He scowled up at Remus and spoke gruffly, asking “So what will it be, lad?”

“Er,” Remus darted a glance to the cabinet to see only one scone left before Sirius sidled next to him and mumbled into his ear.

“Get the scone for Reg and get us some of those chocolate muffins you had the other day for us,” He lowered his voice even further and Remus felt Sirius's breath against his neck and shivered, “from memory, yours was quite good,” he finished and backed away with knowing smirk as he turned and went back to the table.

“Uh,” Remus started, looking back towards the gruff man at the counter to find him already placing the scone and two muffins on plates and sliding them towards Remus.

“I heard,” he grumbled, ringing up the purchase. Remus slipped him a note and a few coins to pay.

“Thanks,” he replied, giving a plain smile as he turned back to the table, actively trying to calm his heart rate.

He slipped into the chair between Sirius and Reg, sliding their respective pastries and coffee towards them and accepting their thanks.

“So Remus,” Reg began, buttering his scone, “Decided if you want us to make Albus Dumbledore and Greater Good Publishing regret the day they were born?”

“Geez Reg, let him finish his breakfast at least?” Sirius groaned to Remus’s left, taking his own giant bite of his muffin, Remus averted his eyes quickly to avoid being caught watching how Sirius used his tongue to catch stray crumbs from the corner of his mouth.

“How would we start?” Remus asked tentatively, picking at the paper wrapper around his muffin, “I need to produce the column’s author by Friday, it’s Tuesday now – doesn’t leave much time before they performance manage me out or fire me.” He said in a dry tone.

“First thing you need is written confirmation of what they asked of you,” Sirius put down his muffin and leaned forward.

“What was in the binder they gave you, Remus?” Reg asked.

“It was copies of the complaints they’d received about the column,” Remus glared down at his muffin, tearing off the wrapper in bits, “really fun to read by the way, did wonders for my confidence,” he huffed humourlessly.

“I’m assuming since we’re talking about your confidence and not the authors, that you’ve finally given up pretending they’re different people?” Reg asked dryly.

“You knew?” Sirius asked Reg across the table with a hint of surprise.

“I knew,” Reg responded in a slightly hard tone, “You’re not the only one who can keep your eyes open, Sirius,”

“Anyway,” Remus interrupted, “How would I get written proof of the meeting? I didn’t see any minutes being recorded.”

“Email Albus right now and ask for a breakdown of the requirements he set out,” Reg responded picking up his scone for a bite.

“And CC us in on the email so that we’re aware of his response as soon as you are.”

Remus pulled his mobile out and logged into his emails. He handed the phone to Sirius.

“Do you mind composing it? I want it phrased properly.”

Sirius took the phone and began typing and Reg swallowed his bite of scone.

“Good call, next thing is to figure out what kind of protections you already have,” Reg began.

“Yes- good point. Did you have anything guaranteed in your contract? Your working location flexibility? Are you part of a union?” Sirius finished for him handing his phone back. Remus scanned through the draft that Sirius had put together and sent it off.

“Greater Good is a non-union company,” Remus responded with a grimace, “I wasn’t a member when I started there, but I looked into it shortly after I began for exactly this reason, but when I asked who the union rep for the company is they told me that-”

“Being non-union allows the company to break down hierarchies between ‘management’ and ‘staff’, allowing the company to work more cooperatively and be equally invested in the success of the business rather than encouraging division,” Regulus responded with a sneer, “yes, that is the company line, but really, it just allows them to avoid lengthy dismissals and means they can choose not to renew contracts without any valid reason.”

Remus felt the blood leave his face. He’d only been 24 when he’d started for the Jargon. At the time he’d been so excited to get a position there as junior editor while he finished his masters that he hadn’t thought very hard about the implications of the company being non-union. And since Albus had given way on just about every request he’d asked – citing the ‘family values’ of the company, and wanting to support the growth of loyal employees he’d never had reason to think of it again. Every year he had an agreement with Albus to revisit the terms of the allowances Remus needed in order to manage his illness and his work, but Remus realised with a shock that this year that agreement timeline had come to an end three weeks earlier when he’d been dealing with his most recent flare. Then, just as he’d been coming out of that, he had been away to bury his father. He’d been so distracted with everything that he’d forgotten to organise a meeting.

He was snapped back into awareness by the feeling of a hand over his. He looked down to see that he’d been absently ripping apart his uneaten muffin, but Sirius had stilled his hand, squeezing gently.

Remus looked up to see the concern radiating from Sirius’s features. He gave him a tremulous smile.

“Talk to me, Remus,” he insisted softly, “I can’t help if I don’t know what you’re thinking,” he finished with a soft smile.

-

Reg

-

Regulus observed the little interaction taking place between his brother and Remus across from him.

Since he’d deduced that they’d walked to the complex together – with the help of Sirius’s bruised neck and Remus’s sheepish expression – he’d been trying to further sleuth out how far their relationship had progressed.

While it was true that Sirius had only just broken up with Mary less than a week ago – Regulus still had to suppress his incredulity whenever he thought about his brother in a straight relationship – Sirius and Remus seemed to share a kind of emotional intimacy that Regulus had not expected possible from Remus in the time frame since.

Remus, for as long as Regulus had known him, was avoidant and reticent to share anything about himself with just about anyone. It had taken Regulus up until the funeral on Friday to even get a hint that he was beginning to break through to Remus in trying to be his friend.

Not that he didn’t get it. Regulus had his own brand of avoidance and standoffishness.

Remus retreated behind aggression that was thinly encased with a calm, passive exterior. It gave him the aura of a coil wound so tightly it was liable to snap if pressed, like a cornered animal or the rumble of thunder before a storm. Regulus’s own veneer was one of aloof nonchalance and cool indifference – A sheet of ice covering the torrent of fridged water underneath. He recognised in Remus someone who tried to dissuade just about anyone from getting close to avoid the pain of inevitably losing them again.

But the look being shared between Remus and his brother evidenced some kind of crack in Remus’s veneer of avoidance.

Sirius had always been volcanic in his emotions – he was messy and passionate and full of anxious sparks liable to set anything he touched alight. It was why he had set his mother off so badly. She was always a cunt, and Sirius’s personality in no way justified the abuse she foisted on him, but she had passed down the volatility and fire to Sirius. The only difference was that where Walburga Black used her fire to destroy and burn people hollow for her own entertainment and agenda, Sirius was more like a kind of warming force that made those he loved feel like they were glowing in his proximity. Sure it could burn you if you caught him at the wrong time, but if you needed him to turn that fire towards an external threat, then Sirius would level forests and burn castles for the ones he loved. It was a fine, but significant line.

He watched as whatever Remus saw in Sirius’s face seemed to fortify him.

“My protections were renegotiated every year,” Remus muttered to Sirius and Sirius alone.

“Every year we would draw up a joint agreement that we negotiated – which I understood to be legally binding during that period,” Sirius nodded encouragingly and Remus went on more confidently, looking at Reg to include him, “the most recent period for renegotiation occurred during my last flare three weeks ago– it was a bad one, and I couldn’t work through most of it and toward the end of it I was working overtime to write the last column and get the final edits of the mag finished. And the week after that-”

“Your dad died,” Sirius was nodding in understanding.

“Meaning that they’re taking advantage of the fact that you haven’t renegotiated the new agreement to try and get around providing your legally protected rights as someone with a long-term illness and disability,” Regulus interjected, garnering a shocked look from Remus.

“Can they do that?!” Remus asked in a slightly panicked voice.

“Not legally, but they certainly seem to be trying to get away with it,” Regulus responded in a hard voice.

Sirius gave Regulus a look and physically turned Remus’s face back to look at him.

“The point is, Remus, that even if they haven’t renegotiated that agreement for the next period, they still don’t have the right to discriminate against you based on something like an illness. They are obliged to organise reasonable adjustments for you – what they’re doing is a total abuse of power engineered to get you to resign out of fear so that they can shift the blame for the column and save their reputation without compromising their journalistic integrity for not protecting their source.”

“If the jargon had any initiative or integrity,” Regulus picked up where Sirius left off, “then they’d be using this as an opportunity to run an expose on the way that the hospitals and the NHS are trying to cover up the degree of the problem they have in treating the chronically ill, but actually talking about real issues has never been important to Greater Good; they only care about profit, and the NHS, as a government agency can generate massive profit for the company if they endorse the mag.”

Sirius nodded vigorously and continued, “They don’t have a leg to stand on here, Remus. Even if the agreement you have with Albus is renegotiated every year, it would be highly unlikely that you forgetting to revisit the terms of the agreement when you were unwell and grieving would allow them to systematically strip you of the terms of the previous year – that’s just acting in bad faith and is entirely unethical. They’re literally just counting on the fact that most people with a chronic illness don’t have the energy to fight this level of coercion and bullying.”

Remus had ben switching his gaze between Sirius and Reg as they’d kept bouncing off each other. He pulled his lower lip into his mouth as an expression so openly vulnerable and overwhelmed entered his face, that Regulus was tempted to look away. Luckily, Sirius seemed much better equipped to deal with this side of Remus that Regulus was just getting acquainted with. He responded to Remus’s owlish expression by reaching for his hand and (to Regulus’s embarrassment) bringing it to his mouth to kiss Remus’s knuckles. Regulus was glad he hadn’t looked away when he saw the look of open softness and gratitude Remus directed at Sirius.

“Remember what I said, Remus,” He said softly, and Regulus did look away then, feeling like he was intruding on their private moment, “We’re in your corner – and we’re not going to let them get away with this,” Regulus looked up then, surprised at the note of steely reserve he heard his brother adopting.

Sirius looked at Regulus then, and Regulus met his gaze straight on, answering Sirius’s unspoken question with a steely gaze of determination.

You’re with me on this?

I’d like to see you stop me.

Notes:

Thank you for reading!

And thanks in particular to PhantomGrimalkin again, who prompted me to consider the way that a publication *could* choose to handle a situation like Remus's - by holding the institution accountable for covering up a hole in their treatment through an expose or editorial. <3

PhantomGrimalkin writes some really lovely fics that you should definitely go check out!

Chapter 23: You Drew up Some Good Faith Treaties

Summary:

A plan it hatched, but Sirius and Remus don't seem to be on the same page.

TW: angst. Remus has some pretty terrible issues with his self worth , and there's some chronic illness stuff going on too.

Sirius:

-

The rest of Tuesday and Wednesday were a throwback to Sirius’s days working as an associate at the law firm he’d left to begin studying floristry.

Sirius and Reg spent most of the rest of Tuesday going over the demands from Albus, which Remus had forwarded as soon as they’d come through. They then spent a few hours gathering all of the documentation they’d need to show that the requests were unethical, extortionate, and in some cases, blatantly illegal.

By the end of Tuesday, both of them were fairly confident that they’d get Albus to at least drop the requirement for Remus to be in every day as reasonable adjustments for employees with long-term health issues and disabilities were protected under UK law.

They were also fairly confident that they could get the publishers to drop their witch hunt for the columnist’s identity. That violation of journalistic integrity represented a potentially detrimental blow to the company’s reputation should someone with a big mouth (and long black hair) blab to the newspapers that the Jargon did not protect their sources.

The rest of the work lay in how they chose to address the blatant injustice and corruption that the request represented in the first place. Clearly, and as they had told Remus, the company would not have been able to try a stunt like this on anyone that they believed had the power to fight back. They had deliberately used Remus as a scapegoat to assuage the NHS and hospitals on their case and decided that his story was too controversial or his disability too inconvenient (or both) and decided they wanted him gone.

This was what made Sirius personally want to rip the company out from the roots and use it as kindling for a bonfire.

Remus, on the other hand, had been very clear that if anyone was going to bare the consequences for the actions of the execs, it shouldn’t be the employees, unless it could be guaranteed that they’d get a massive settlement as their severance.

Therefore, on Wednesday Reg and Sirius worked on how it could be managed so that Albus and the other execs had to either step down, and be replaced with in-house hires that would actually give a shit about the quality of the information being provided to the public as well as the wellbeing of the staff, or else a way to sue the company into liquidation and force them to look after the staff who would be jobless in the aftermath.

Surprisingly, Regulus was the one who suggested enlisting the help of one James Potter to help with this.

It came about on Wednesday night when Reg and Sirius were both gathered around Remus’s kitchen table as they had on the previous night to discuss their progress.

Remus was particularly resistant to dissolving the Jargon. In the 2 years he’d been editor he’d made changes to the mag that he was genuinely proud of and fostered a team that he both trusted and didn’t want to see scattered to the wind.

“I just wish we could just take the jargon from Greater Good and give it to a company that fucking cared,” he said heatedly, slamming his mug down onto the table with enough force to make everyone jump.

Sirius sympathized with Remus’s mood – the last two days had not gone well.

Remus had called him before he made his way home on Tuesday to tell him that Albus, Greyback, or one of their cronies had been present at every one of his meetings, and Albus had been insisting on being cc’d into every email sent. Legal was now looking over every draft he approved for the next publication date and every idea presented.

Remus had arrived at his home on Tuesday with a hunted, foul-tempered look to find Reg and Sirius already camped around his table, working over plates of takeaway pizza (having found Remus’s spare key in the pot-plant by the door).

Sirius had found it incredibly hard not to bolt across to where Remus had stood with a stunned and slightly overwhelmed expression taking in what they had accomplished that day, and found it even harder not to do something that would have embarrassed Remus horribly – especially in front of Reg -for the rest of the night.

Instead, Sirius had settled for gesturing to an empty seat, dishing up a few slices of pizza for Remus, and bumping his foot periodically under the table when their explanations of their progress seemed to lose him to that bowled-over expression again.

“Well,” Regulus responded on Wednesday to Remus’s frustrated outburst, “who do we know who has the resources to buy a magazine, who also has the right mindset when it comes to employee well-being and is socially conscious enough to go to bat for underrepresented groups, hmm?” He looked at Sirius significantly with raised brows.

It took Sirius a beat before he gasped in realisation.

“I’ll be right back,” Sirius hurried out of the room to make the call, squeezing Remus’s shoulder as he brushed behind him to get to the door.

James had not been difficult to convince to come over and hear them out in the end. He had initially taken pause when he heard that Regulus was involved in whatever Sirius was plotting, but when he heard it was for Remus, he’d been on board relatively quickly.

By 10pm on Wednesday night, they had a plan.

It hadn’t taken too much to convince James that the Jargon would make an excellent investment that could actively promote what he was trying to achieve through Phoenix – his foundation supporting the training of medical professionals from underrepresented and marginalized communities.

The Jargon represented a way for reliable medical information to be published to the general public, and with a bit of content tweaking, could help to educate the public about the issues of vulnerable groups as well as the challenges they faced being employed in the medical field. With the right angle, James even saw the potential for the publication to go some way towards fighting the xenophobic stigma associated with ‘foreigners’ in medicine.

And, since many marginalised groups were also overrepresented in statistics around auto-immune disease, chronic illness, and disability due to environmental and socio-economic factors, it also opened up the chronic illness column to be able to include more backgrounds, types of challenges and intersections, the representational possibilities of which naturally made Remus very excited.

James agreed to send an email to his legal team as soon as he got home, asking them to put out feelers to purchase the Jargon. Given the pressure the mag was under from the NHS, he didn’t think it would be difficult to get the execs at Greater Good interested in the offer to purchase. And crucially, James was practically itching to throw some of his foundation’s weight behind challenging the health care sector on why they were so desperate to cover up this gaping hole in their ability to provide treatment.

Sirius was relieved to have James in on the plan. As much as he knew that he and Regulus had enough experience between them to keep Greater Good accountable and prevent Remus from losing his job unlawfully, the addition of James and his army of lawyers from Phoenix overseeing the purchase of the Jargon took some of the pressure off. And for his part, James seemed to have accepted that Regulus’s new place in Sirius’s life was not some kind of underhanded attempt to get him back into the family fold or corrupt him. After an initially frosty beginning to the interaction when James arrived on Wednesday, they had both eventually mellowed out to cordial professionalism rather than outright hostility.

Remus and James had another interesting dynamic. After their rocky introduction on Saturday, Sirius had been unsure how James would respond to the way the Black brothers were rallying around Remus. It seemed, however, that James and Remus had reached something of an unspoken agreement, stemming from their shared association with Sirius.

When it came to the dynamic between Sirius and Remus, however, Sirius found himself more and more frustrated by the day.

They’d never spoken about what happened on Tuesday morning. There really hadn’t been the opportunity. They had hit the ground running as soon as Remus had left for work after coffee later that morning. And after, they had been almost entirely focused on having everything set up, drawn up, and prepped to walk into the Greater Good HQ on Friday morning ready to strike the fear of God into them with their threats of legal action, public scandal, and financial compensations.

By then, Greater Good would have had the interest from Phoenix to purchase, and by the time Sirius and Regulus were done with Albus and Greyback, he wanted them ready to expedite the process to sell so that everyone working for the mag could be out from under their thumbs for good.

This was all very well, but it did mean that Sirius and Remus hadn’t been alone since Tuesday morning, and Sirius worried that their inability to discuss what had happened on Remus’s couch would make the moment pass before he could do anything about it.

And, of course, by ‘do anything about it’, Sirius naturally meant shagging till they were both delirious.

For a start.

Shagging Remus was first on a long list of things that Sirius had planned, all of which culminated in wanting to wake up the way they had on Monday every day for the rest of their lives.

Mostly, Sirius had the feeling that Remus felt the same; when Sirius caught him staring while sitting next to him at the kitchen table, proudly and hungrily eyeing the spot on Sirius’s neck that he’d bruised with his tongue, or when they shared one of those butterfly inducing moments where Sirius would find Remus’s foot under the table and Remus would press back in response or when Remus would make Sirius’s tea with honey without needing to be asked.

Sirius and Reg were both staying at Remus’s for a few days. With Marlene looking after the shop and the orders, and Reg unemployed, they both spent the time that Remus was at work bunkering down at the kitchen table, polishing their response to Albus and his laundry list of fuckery. Sirius had insisted Reg take the spare, hoping for more late-night snuggles on the couch, but as the week wore on Remus seemed to draw further and further into himself – going straight to bed when he’d eaten and had his marching orders for the day from Sirius and Reg, and waking up early to get to early therapy sessions that he’d had to reschedule in order to be at work for the hours that Albus had demanded.

Sirius tried to be understanding – it was a stressful time and the extended working hours and commuting were clearly wearing Remus down. Sirius understood in a kind of theoretical sense that Remus was probably just managing the best he could in the clusterfuck that was the aftermath of the week before, Greater Good’s turn into bond villain territory and his own precarious well-being.

It was difficult, however, for Sirius not to worry that Remus was avoiding him.

***

Remus

-

Remus spent that week in an ever-revolving cycle of exhaustion and pain as he tried to balance Albus’s expectations for the week with planning how to get shot of them.

He’d insisted that he didn’t want to rock the boat before they threw down the gauntlet on Friday by insisting on the flexibility he needed. What he didn’t say, is that he was terrified of what would happen if he just stopped.

He’d begun to hear the alarm bells on Tuesday morning during his commute to work.

Remus was not a morning person. Usually though, by the time he got into work at ten, he was ready to go - operating to his normal capacity. On Tuesday however, he’d arrived to work still feeling like there was something heavy dragging behind him, making him feel sluggish and fatigued. The weight seemed to grow heavier during the day and overnight, making him feel like he hadn’t even slept when he woke up on Wednesday. His joints – always creaky, began to ache in earnest by Wednesday night. He tried to offset the pressure with an early morning swim on Thursday, but only found himself able to swim a few laps before he was gasping and holding on to the side of the pool to stop himself from slipping under the water.

And he knew that Sirius saw. He felt Sirius’s eyes tracking him when he opted to go to bed rather than stay up and talk or get up to more pleasant activities with Sirius on the couch. He was grateful and touched by Sirius’s grounding shoulder squeezes and sometimes soft and other times downright feral looks. But no matter how much he wanted to, Remus couldn’t let himself let Sirius in.

He saw Sirius’s vibrancy and passion when he was plotting with James and Reg and felt faded and thin by comparison. He remembered the fevered and adoring look that Sirius had given him as he’d rested on Remus’s lap on Tuesday morning as Remus had drawn him closer, and felt sure that the weakness that he felt creeping into his bones day by day would be enough to wipe that look from his beautiful face.

He found himself unable to imagine how Sirius could possibly fit into this part of his life, where every moment and every breath hurt, and he was struggling just to get to the end of the day and fall into bed for the excuse to lie still and cry from the endless cycle of pain and exhaustion.

Remus comforted himself with the knowledge that after Friday he could finally allow himself to hibernate in his cocoon for however long it took to recover from this flare-up. He knew that the worst was certainly still to come – it was too soon after his last and he’d been under too much stress in the interim. But after Friday, he’d know whether he’d have the leave he needed to recover, or he’d be fired and it wouldn’t matter anyway. He could die quietly in a soft corner of his house safe in the knowledge that he’d done what he could.

He doubted he’d be fired though, Sirius would undoubtedly make sure that he won the challenge to the list of demands through sheer force of will if by nothing else. By then, Remus was sure that Sirius would have grown tired of waiting for Remus to act on whatever was between them. He’d go back to his flower shop and the spare room with James and enjoy decorating the nursery with him and Lily in preparation for his godchild’s arrival. And he’d probably go out and hook up with healthy people who could keep up with him and wouldn’t make him into a nurse every time they couldn’t manage their illness.

There was nothing sexy about the way Remus felt when he was in the thick of it. The indignity of his illness would put Sirius off before they even had the opportunity to get started. How could he ask Sirius to weather the storm of his life, when Sirius had already faced enough from his own? All Remus had to offer him was unpredictable misery. Sirius had every right to go out and seek out the joy that being a beautiful queer man had to offer without Remus dragging behind him.

On Friday morning, Remus made his way downstairs to find Sirius and Reg already up and bustling about like they’d been given new batteries.

He took in their frantic energy as they stacked papers and organised binders or packed satchels and shrugged on suit jackets.

Remus groaned internally as he watched the way that Sirius’s obviously tailored navy suit jacket moved with his graceful form, nipping in at his waist and creasing fetchingly around his bicep as he began to lift clean dishes from the dishwasher drawer into the kitchen cupboards. Sirius had tied his hair up and forgone a tie in favour of a simple button-down shirt with a relaxed collar which exposed the white column of his throat.

The man in question turned and noticed Remus, his face splitting into a cheeky smirk as he took Remus in. Remus felt his own face soften into a sheepish smile. Sirius sauntered over around the table toward Remus. When he was close enough, he took the opportunity to fix Remus’s collar under his tan corduroy jacket, and moved his hands down to smooth down the lapels of the article, running his hands down Remus’s chest and meeting his eyes with that piercing Sirius Black look. It was almost enough to crumble Remus’s resolve.

“Morning,” Sirius smiled with a mischievous twinkle.

“Hi,” Remus responded, biting his lower lip to fight the surge of joy at hearing Sirius’s voice.

“There’s a scone for you on the table,” Sirius began, eyes darting to Remus’s lips, “and the mandatory shit coffee to accompany it,” he finished with a smirk up at Remus.

Their bubble was summarily popped by Regulus’s pretend retching from the table.

Sirius rolled his eyes and removed his hands from Remus, turning to face his brother.

“Ready, Remus?” Reg asked with a smirk.

“I’m sure we’ll find out,” Remus responded with a croak.

Sirius and Reg waited for Remus to pick up his scone and coffee from the table and then ushered him toward Reg’s car, telling him that he could eat on the way to the office.

Remus watched the Black Brothers hurrying out of his house, armed with their tailored suits and tasteful satchels.

Sirius paused by the door to catch Remus on his way out while Reg started the car and waited for them.

“Okay?” Sirius asked, giving Remus another once over and cupping Remus’s cheek with his hand.

Remus resisted the urge to lean into the touch and instead nodded quickly and then dropped his gaze away from Sirius’s, afraid of what his blue gaze would see in Remus’s drawn features.

Sirius slipped his hand from Remus’s face down to his shoulder and squeezed reassuringly, obviously taking Remus’s reticence for nerves.

“When this is over-” Sirius started but was interrupted by the honking of Regulus’s car.

“We’d better go,” Remus looked up with a wince-smile, barely meeting Sirius’s eye as he walked through his front door towards where Regulus sat with an impatient expression, followed closely by Sirius.

They drove the distance to Greater Good Publishers, Remus seated in the front passenger side of the car. He could still feel the residual warmth from where Sirius had squeezed his shoulder in comfort.

He reflected with a dull pain that had nothing to do with his diagnosis, that Sirius might well move on quickly from Remus, but Remus would never really be the same without Sirius Black.

Notes:

I know, I know, I'm sorry.

Thank you for reading <3

Chapter 24: I Drew Curtains Closed, Drank My Poison All Alone

Summary:

Sirius is the mayor of Pine-ville, population 1.
Remus is living in a kingdom of isolation and it looks like he's the king

TW: chronic illness

Sirius

-

On Friday night, Sirius sat at James’s kitchen counter, sharing a beer with his brother and his best mate, toasting their success at Greater Good earlier.

The challenge had gone exactly to plan, Albus Dumbledore and Fenrir Greyback had taken one look at Remus with his Black brother entourage and known that the meeting was not going to go the way they had planned.

Albus had sat with an icy, pensive expression as Sirius and Reg had provided their letter of intent to take Greater Good to court for their infringements on Remus’s rights and their bad-faith dealings regarding the anonymous columnist. Then Sirius and Reg had stood on either side of a seated Remus, staring down Greater Good’s legal team and party of execs as they all took turns looking over the documents.

Sirius fought down a smirk of satisfaction when he watched as Greyback scanned through the documents, getting progressively and visibly angry and frustrated at every I being dotted and every T being crossed. When he had slapped the paperwork down on the desk with a THWACK and glared up at Sirius, he’d felt his expression split into a sneer of smug distaste in response.

Then Albus had called for a recess to the meeting.

When they’d returned, Albus was adopting the air of a magnanimous elder who had merely misunderstood the severity of the ‘requests’ he had made of Remus. He apologized, deflecting the blame to his legal team, who stood behind him glaring daggers at Remus, Sirius, and Regulus, and asked if there was any way that Remus could find it within himself to forgive the ‘miscommunication’, and resume their ‘mutually beneficial relationship?'"

Reg and Sirius sniggered over their beers as they told James about the way that Remus had dramatically turned to face Regulus and Sirius in turn, who had nodded their ascent, and slapped his counter demands before Albus, who paled, and then scowled before he schooled his expression into something more neutral before agreeing to every one of Remus’s terms.

“So now Remus only has to go into the office once a week for the planning and sign-off meetings, and he gets an improved budget to expand the chronic illness column to include other groups who slipped through the cracks like the elderly, trans healthcare and female related health issues – they’re calling the new feature Marginalized Medicine!” Sirius finished beaming at James across the counter.

“And,” Regulus picked up, “as Remus left the room at the end of the meeting, he turned cooly to Albus and told him that he would be taking leave next week to readjust his schedule following the disruption caused by this ‘misunderstanding’-”

“Oh Jesus,” James interrupted, “Did he use his snarling wolf voice?”

“Yes!” Sirius and Regulus shouted in unison and they both dissolved into laughter in response.

“That will do the trick,” James nodded thoughtfully, clearly remembering how effective Remus could be when he adopted that tone of authority and restrained threat that he’d used on James the first time they met.

As Sirius calmed from his fit of laughter, he surreptitiously checked his phone for new notifications.

After the meeting, Remus had asked to be dropped back at his place to get in a nap. They had acquiesced to this request and when they’d arrived Sirius had tried to squash the disappointment he felt when Remus didn’t invite him in. When Sirius suggested he come over to James’s that night to celebrate, Remus had been vague, promising to let him know if he was going to come after he woke up.

Apart from the standard promotional email and a text from Marlene regarding the shop, there was no message from Remus. He fought a niggle of doubt at the silence. Maybe Remus just wasn’t up for it tonight? It had been a big week. It didn’t necessarily have anything to do with Sirius.

“The lawyers don’t think there should be an issue in purchasing the Jargon,” Sirius was jolted from his stewing by James’s comment.

“There was initially some concern that I knew an employee there, but as Remus has no say over whether the mag gets sold or not, they don’t think it should be a conflict of interest.”

“Plus, you won’t negotiate the deal, that’ll be your lawyers, and they don’t have any connection to this, do they?” Reg interjected

“None at all, they see it as an opportunity that will work favorably to further the aims of the foundation,” James replied, taking a sip of his drink, “We’re even planning to make the publication not-for-profit so that every cent made from purchases goes into the training program – which will be getting a revamped set of modules on treating chronic illness,” he finished looking pleased with himself.

“I’ll drink to that!” Sirius responded.

“Same here!” responded Reg, and the three of them clinked their beers together in another toast.

“Where’s the man of the hour then?” James turned his question to Sirius, who felt the satisfaction drain out of him.

“I don’t know, he said he’d text to let me know if he was going to come,” Sirius responded, biting his cheek anxiously and checking his phone again.

No new messages.

“I’m just gonna step outside and call him,” he mumbled, getting out of his seat and stepping into the hall.

The line wrang for a while before Sirius reached Remus’s voicemail. Sirius’s breath caught as he heard Remus’s recorded voice

“Hello, you’ve reached Remus, I won’t bore you with instructions because if you’re still listening then you’re waiting for the beep to record your message. I’ll get back to you when I can – BEEP”

“Remus!” Sirius started, immediately face palming over how eager he sounded, “I uh, just wanted to see if you were planning on coming by James’s tonight? It’s okay if you’re resting though, there’s no pressure. I’ll check in with you tomorrow if I don’t hear from you, sleep well!”

Sirius groaned as he made his way back into the kitchen, bracing for the ribbing he was sure he was about to get.

“Sleep well, Remus,” James immediately imitated as Sirius resumed his seat, adopting a dopey, love sick expression.

“I’ll check in tomorrow, Remus darling,” Regulus picked up, putting on a deeper, suave tone and a blue steel impression that made James double over in laughter.

“You know, I don’t think I like this new dynamic,” Sirius said in faux irritation and taking a sip of his beer, “Can’t you go back to hating each other?” He asked in exasperation.

“But then who would be here to watch you check your phone every 5 minutes like a teenage girl, waiting for the boy you’re crushing on to text you back,” James leaned his elbows onto the counter, resting his chin on his and fluttering his eyelashes at Sirius innocently.

“Fucking hell, where’s Pete when you need him? I’m outnumbered by my best mate and my brother,” he lamented, crossing his arms and glaring at the ceiling.

“Sadly Petey is making culinary masterpieces while we celebrate the imminent emancipation of the Jargon from the clutches of Greater Good,” James sighed sadly, “we’ll have to update him on your pathetic pining another time,” he said, smirking at Sirius’s scowl good-naturedly.

When Sirius finally went to bed in James’s spare room a few hours later, he finally looked at his phone again, having resolved not to check for notifications until it vibrated or he could look through it in peace in the privacy of the room he was sleeping in.

He tried not to feel too disappointed when he confirmed for himself that Remus had not, in fact, sent any texts or returned his calls.

The next morning, Sirius contemplated sending a morning text.

-

S: Missed seeing you
at the table this mo-

-
Sirius backspaced immediately, that was far too needy.

-

S: How are you this
morning? Fancy a
shit coffee and a scone?

-
That was better. It said ‘I’m checking in as I said I would, and I want to see you if you’re up for it’ without being too much.

He sent it off before he could overthink it and then went down to James and Lily’s kitchen to get a glass of water until Remus replied.

He got caught up relaying the events of the past few days to a riveted Lily for around 25 minutes before he realised he’d not heard his text tone indicating Remus’s response yet.

Sirius made his way up to his room to dress, opened up the text thread between himself and Remus and froze when he saw that the text was read 20 minutes ago.

He took a deep breath and decided to have a shower. Maybe Remus had seen the text and decided to reply after a little more of a lie-in. That was fine – they could adapt a scone and a coffee into a pub lunch if Remus wanted some more sleep.

Sirius embarked on a lengthy shower, paying extra attention to exfoliating and a hair mask to add to the time frame.

When he checked his phone afterward however, he struggled to fight down the wave of disappointment when he saw nothing but the time Remus had read the message under his text from earlier.

Sirius kept himself busy for the rest of the morning. He helped James do some gardening and talked at length to Lily about the patients she’d had that week.

He found a show to watch on the telly and only checked his phone once through the whole episode of Greys Anatomy he pretended to be watching.

At about 3pm, Sirius decided that enough time had passed to make another phone call acceptable.

He reclined on the couch, trying to hear the line ringing past the dull thumping of his heart before he reached Remus's voice mail recording again. “Remus, hi,” Sirius worked hard to keep the needy note from his tone as he continued, “I’m just calling to check in since I haven’t heard from you since yesterday. Let me know if you’re alright, okay?”

He caught Lily watching him from the hallway as he hung up.

“He’s still not responding?” she asked gently.

“He’s still not responding,” Sirius confirmed in a dull voice.

Lily looked thoughtful as she sat next to Sirius on the couch.

“This is the bloke with the golden curls and the big-dick energy?”

“That’s the one,” Sirius huffed with a humourless laugh, not meeting her eye.

“He’d also be the one with a chronic illness?” She asked carefully.

“Yeah,” Sirius answered turning to look at her, “And I’m trying to decide if he’s ignoring me because I’m me, or because he’s potentially collapsed in his kitchen, bleeding out from ahead wound into a puddle on the floor,” he finished, his stomach dropping as he admitted the root of his anxiety.

“Hmmm,” Lily considered.

“You know, some people who have a chronic illness have real trouble asking for help,” she started, “they feel like they burden everyone they get close to, so they push everyone away to avoid the rejection of people walking away on their own.”

Sirius didn’t respond.

He was thinking about Remus in the car in Wales.

He remembered Remus speaking about how his father had treated him like he was to blame for his illness:

“He never said it, but I know that there was the before – when we lived in Wales and when mum was around and we’d spend the summer days floating in the water or reading on the couch – and then there was the after. When he had no mum, no Wales in the summer and a son he resented and hardly recognised because he was so sick.”

“You know Remus better than I do,” Lily continued into the silence, “Has he ever made you feel that you’re too much for him?”

“If anything, Remus made me feel more comfortable being myself than I've felt in a decade, Lil,” Sirius spoke quietly.

He felt Lily’s head leaning on his shoulder and drew comfort from her small, soft presence at his side.

“And do you think he’s the kind of person to isolate himself when he feels vulnerable?” She prompted gently.

Sirius considered how he and Reg had been the only two guests at the funeral to be there for Remus alone. He didn’t seem to have any other friends, other than Dorcas at the cart - but that was hardly a lifelong connection at this point.

“I think he thinks that people will see him differently if they see his illness,” Sirius began thoughtfully, “He was happy to tell me about what he has, and he’s comfortable enough to take medication around me, but apart from the first time we talked about it, he’s never brought up how he’s doing on a given day – I’ve just picked up certain things over the little time I’ve known him,” he shrugged.

“Maybe he just doesn’t trust me,” Sirius finally choked out miserably.

Sirius shifted so that he was resting his head in Lily’s lap. She stroked his hair soothingly while he tried to get a handle on himself.

“Maybe he doesn’t know that he can,” she finally replied softly after a beat.

Sirius let that sink in for a second. He supposed that really, Remus and he had only known each other for just over a full week now. Even if they had an electric connection and an uncommon understanding of one another – it was still only uncommon for the time that they’d known each other. Remus might well think – if he was unwell – that Sirius might be put off by whatever that entailed and be protecting himself from what he thought was Sirius’s inevitable rejection.

But a voice still nagged at Sirius’s mind, telling him that maybe Remus just wasn’t interested.

Seemingly able to read Sirius’s mind, Lily spoke again;

“What’s more important, Sirius? Making sure he’s taken care of if he’s hurting, or protecting yourself from having your ego bruised if he rejects you?”

Lily was always good at cutting to the heart of something like this. She always seemed to know exactly what the real problem was, with notable the exception of Sirius’s coming out saga, but in her defense, Sirius even had himself fooled for almost 2 years.

“Can you tell me how I can help him? If he wants my help, that is,” Sirius asked in a small voice, focussing on the feeling of her fingers making soothing circles over his scalp rather than the self-doubt and anxiety pulling at him.

***

Remus

-

Remus was in the Bad Place.

He lay curled into a ball under his duvet, shivering with fever, and moaning in agony from the burning sensation in his skin wherever he was being touched by the duvet.

He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t eat. And he was maxed out on meds.

He needed to run a bath, but he couldn’t stomach the process of getting out of bed, waiting for the water to run, and adjusting it to the right temperature before he could finally relax into the temporary relief of the water.

He considered calling an ambulance.

After the last flare, his therapist had berated him for not opting for being hospitalized given the severity of his fever, but the thought of bumping along in the back of the truck made Remus feel more physically ill than he already did.

He rolled onto his back, suddenly too hot and nauseous, and threw off his duvet, enjoying the way the cool air danced over his burning skin before acknowledging the way the change in position put pressure on different joints.

He breathed deeply and thought about something happier, hoping to lull himself to sleep.

He pictured the magnificent competency Sirius had displayed at the meeting yesterday. He thought about how Sirius had met the challenging stares of the Greater Good’s legal team with a determined glare and had gone on to tear the execs at the publishers a worm-hole sized new one as he explained slowly and clearly why and how he would personally make their lives hell if they didn’t drop their Disney villain checklist.

Remus reflected that if he hadn’t been so sore and exhausted at the meeting, then he’d probably have marched Sirius right into his office, locked the door and closed the blinds, and kept him there for as long as it would have taken for Sirius to understand just how grateful and turned on he was by the display.

The thought of Sirius gave Remus a pang of guilt as he remembered the un-responded to text Sirius had sent that morning, and the two voicemails that Remus hadn’t listened to yet – worried they’d soften his resolve to deal with this alone and then deal with the fall out afterward.

If Sirius knew he was sick, he’d want to come over and help, and there was no faster way for Remus to put Sirius off than to allow that. So he’d ignored the text and left the voice mails. Sirius would soon get tired of trying to contact him and give Remus up as a lost cause.

It would be for the best anyway.

When Remus woke up again a few hours later, it was to the feeling of cool hands on his brow and the sound of a smooth voice asking him a question.

“…can you hear me?” it was asking softly.

Remus thought he must still be in a dream.

“Remus sweetheart,” the voice continued, “Can you hear me?”

Remus realised vaguely that the sound was coming from a source to his left rather than inside his head and his eyes fluttered open to find the piercing blue eyes he’d been picturing before he drifted off staring into his own as Sirius knelt next to his bed placing his hands against his forehead to gauge his temperature.

“Sirius?” Remus croaked in question.

Relief filled Sirius’s expression as he registered that Remus was lucid.

“You’re burning up, Remus,” he said a restrained tone, “I need to get your temperature down otherwise I’m gonna need to call 999.”

“No,” croaked Remus, trying to sit up just to be pressed back into the mattress by Sirius’s gentle push on his chest, “No ambulance,” he responded shaking his head.

“There are ice packs in the freezer,” He tried to get up again and Sirius huffed softly in frustration, pushing him gently back again.

“I’ll get them,” Sirius said placatingly, “I won’t call the ambulance yet, just stay there, yeah?”

“Thank you,” Remus called after Sirius’s retreating form, mortified that Sirius had apparently found him sprawled on his bed without a duvet, and wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. He pulled the duvet over his lower half to make himself decent before Sirius's return.

Sirius arrived back shortly armed with several blue-gel Ice packs loaded onto a tray that also held some sort of deliciously smelling takeaway container. He set the tray down next to Remus’s bed and Remus watched helplessly resting on his elbows.

“Can you sit for me?” Sirius asked kindly and Remus nodded.

Sirius got him settled upright against his pillows.

“Where do you need them?” Sirius asked motioning to the icepacks.

“Over my knees and elbows,” Remus reached out and grabbed one of the packs, “And this one will go behind my neck to help with the fever,” he winced as the frigid plastic touched his skin.

“Here, let me,” Sirius reached for the pack Remus was trying to secure behind his neck, wrapped it in a tea towel and then draped it around Remus’s neck so that there was thin fabric between the frosty surface and Remus’s skin.

Remus sighed in relief at the sensation, relaxing into his pillows as Sirius placed the other packs around the joints of his knees and secured them in the pulse point of his elbows with more tea towels tied around so that Remus could use his arms without them immediately falling off.

Sirius sat next to Remus and pulled the takeaway box closer, taking the knife and fork he’d brought with him from the kitchen out of his pockets and laying them on the tray.

“I’m assuming you haven’t eaten?” Sirius asked with a wry expression that said he already knew the answer.

“I didn’t want to chance the stairs,” Remus said honestly, “and,” he continued “I’ve been too nauseous all day to even consider it.”

“Do you feel up to trying a bit of baked salmon and roast veggies?” Sirius asked, opening the cardboard box and revealing the beautifully golden fillet of fish resting on roughly diced roasted pumpkin, sweet potato, capsicum, courgette and squash.

Remus’s stomach growled in response, causing Sirius to chuckle.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” He handed Remus the cutlery with a smirk.

Remus rolled his eyes and took the knife and fork and tentatively cut a piece of the excellently cooked fish.

He moaned with pleasure as he took the first morsel of slightly sweet and salty meat, grateful that it was simply seasoned with salt an pepper rather than with anything fancy.

Sirius chuckled again, “I’ll tell Pete it’s a hit then,” he said, looking pleased to see Remus enjoying his mouthful.

Remus ate quietly for a little while, and Sirius sat, seemingly content to watch – save for the occasional act of thievery as he stole a piece of roasted potato or a grilled string bean. Remus finished what he could of the meal and then pushed the tray away so that he could lay back down again, looking at Sirius from where he lay down on his side.

“Thank you for the meal,” Remus started, and Sirius smiled softly

“Why did you come?” he asked in a soft voice.

Sirius seemed to consider him for a second.

“Because my gut told me that something was wrong. And when I pulled my head far enough out of my arse to realise that it probably had nothing to do with me, I knew I had to come and help if you wanted me here.”

Remus looked back at Sirius for a long moment before taking a deep breath.

“This is a flare-up,” he explained softly.

“They happen-”

“When you have trouble managing your stress,” Sirius finished for him gently, nodding in understanding.

“Yeah,” Remus answered.

“Was this happening all through this past week?” Sirius asked cautiously.

“I started to feel the fatigue on Tuesday when I just couldn’t catch up,” Remus confirmed, “and by Friday, I was well in the thick of it."

“And that’s why you were avoiding me through the week and why you didn’t respond yesterday and today?” Sirius asked, still gently but with a hint of uncertainty.

Remus reached for Sirius’s hand, giving it a soft squeeze.

“I’m not used to people as perceptive as you,” he tried to explain, “it makes me feel exposed when I can see you reading me like a book,” he finished desperately.

“But I couldn’t read you,” Sirius shook his head in confusion, “I just felt you shutting me out, and I knew you were probably just trying to survive, but if I’d known it was like this I would have-”

“What? You’d have what?” asked Remus gently, “There was nothing you could do – you were already doing so much to make sure I kept my job and keeping me sain. If I burdened you with this too then-”

“It’s not a burden to me, Remus,” Sirius said squeezing Remus’s hand gently, “I may not have been able to make the pain go away, but you didn’t have to go through this on your own!”

Remus suddenly felt the tears pricking and bit his lip to keep from sobbing.

“I thought maybe you regretted what happened on your couch on Tuesday,” Sirius said quietly dropping his gaze from Remus’s.

“I thought you maybe didn’t want me as much as I wanted you,” he finished just as Remus coughed a laugh in exasperation.

“Sirius,” He started, closing his eyes as the cold from the ice packs faded enough for the throbbing of his joints to become more noticeable.

“We don’t have to talk about it now,” Sirius said quickly, “How can I help?”

Sirius placed his hand against Remus’s forehead, “your temperature seems to have come down,” he commented.

“Can you run me a bath?” Remus asked sheepishly, feeling the colour flood his cheeks at the request.

“Of course,” Sirius said as he scooted to the foot of the bed and hurried to Remus’s en suite bathroom.

Soon, Remus could hear the water thundering into the tub.

“I found some Epsom salt in your vanity in here, do you want some added?” Sirius called from the bathroom.

“Yes please,” Remus responded shutting his eyes tightly as he recalled the state he had left that bathroom in.

About 5 minutes later, Remus heard the water switch off. He gingerly brought his legs over the side of the bed so that he was sitting on the ledge where he took a second to catch his breath.

“Need a hand?” Sirius asked, materialising in front of Remus and moving to grip Remus around the shoulders to haul him upright.

He lead Remus to the bathroom and Remus noted with embarrassment that Sirius had put the dirty laundry into the bathroom hamper, and replaced the bin liner from next to the toilet, the old one sitting next to the bathroom door with the hamper waiting to be taken away and dealt with.

Sirius helped him to sit on the closed toilet seat lid.

“Can you get in alright?” Sirius asked frankly but kindly.

“Yup,” Remus responded, dying a little internally that Sirius was seeing him this stiff and weak, he gestured to the support bar secured to the wall, “not my first rodeo,” he finished with a wince.

“I’ll just settle my things in your spare room,” Sirius smiled sheepishly making his way to the door, “Shout if you need anything, alright?”

“Sirius,” Remus called as Sirius was about the cross the threshold.

He stopped and turned to Remus expectantly.

“You were wrong,” he started before he could lose his nerve, “I want you just as much as you apparently want me,” he smiled sheepishly, “and I’m glad you came,” he finished.

Sirius’s face lit up and he pressed his lips together into a line to suppress the grin that clearly threatened to split his face into the smile that Remus had come to visualize every night before he’d gone to sleep since he’d first met Sirius.

He nodded then and picked up the rubbish and the hamper to take them out of the room before turning back to Remus with such a look of hope and devotion that Remus thought he might melt on the spot.

Then Sirius closed the door behind him and Remus was alone.

Remus ran his fingers through his sweat-soaked curls, removed his boxers and sunk into the deliciously hot water.

Remus allowed himself the faintest sliver of hope that this could really be happening.

Notes:

I'm not saying that the angst ends this chapter, but I will say that this is probably good place to start checking the tags before you read ;) <3

Chapter 25: And I Can Still See it All In my Mind, All of You, All of Me Intertwined

Summary:

Sirius is a domestic goddess, almond body butter is really so good for the skin, and the return of the Grey Sweats (TM)

The explicit smut rating begins to well and truly earn its keep, read with discretion.

Remus

-

Some time later, when the water had cooled and Remus couldn’t justify staying in any longer, he drained the bathwater and carefully got up and out of the tub, drawing his dressing gown on after he’d used a towel to dry off.

He tentatively opened the ensuite door to find his room Sirius-less, his bed freshly made with clean sheets and a cool breeze coming from the open window. The rest of the laundry had been dealt with and presumably taken downstairs, the debris from the takeaway meal had been cleared away, and, on Remus’s bedside sat a pot of tea under a tea cozy next to a mug and glass of cold water.

He dug through his wardrobe and pulled out on pair of grey sweats and a fresh pair of socks just in time for a soft knock at his bedroom door to announce that Sirius had come back to check on him.

“Come in,” Remus spoke to the door as the handle turned and Sirius came in.

“How’s the pain?” Sirius asked, leaning on the door jamb and scanning Remus with his eyes.

“A little better,” Remus nodded, “I’m still pretty stiff,” he hesitated before continuing, “It will probably be a day or so before I can leave the house,” he finished with a wince.

“Did you need me to go out and grab anything?” Sirius asked with a puzzled frown.

“No, it’s just-” Remus cut himself off, feeling embarrassed again.

“It’s what?” Sirius prompted, straightening from where he was leaning and making his way over to Remus.

“I know you want to help,” Remus started again, “but this part is really just about waiting. I’m on bed rest until the pain subsides enough to do some small stretches. And then when those help me feel less stiff, then I can do some more gentle exercises. And then it’s about making sure I don’t try to do too much too soon. And it’s all just broken up with naps and very little that’s exciting or fun.”

“Remus, I wasn’t expecting you to be ready to run a marathon by tomorrow,” Sirius responded with a smirk.

“I know,” Remus looked at the carpet under his feet, “But you might get bored of it.”

“Hmm, because a few days of lying low at Lupins' sounds positively terrible after the fortnight we just survived,” Sirius spoke with faux sobriety and Remus huffed a laugh as he sat back on the end of the bed, enjoying Sirius stood in front of him, hands on his hips like he was giving Remus a scolding.

“God, it really was the perfect storm, wasn’t it?” Remus sighed, feeling the mattress dip as Sirius sat beside him, a respectful distance away.

“It’s definitely ticked off most of my bingo card items for the year,” Sirius chuckled softly.

“A breakup, coming out, reuniting with your estranged brother,” Remus began to list off for Sirius on his fingers until He was cut off, and Sirius continued the list.

“Death of a parent, workplace harassment, chronic illness flare,-”

“Oh my!” Remus finished with mock astonishment and they both laughed at the ridiculousness of the whole thing.

There was a minute or so of silence, and then Sirius stood and steps between Remus’s open legs. He took both of Remus’s hands in his, before gently tugging him up from the foot of the bed and towards the freshly changed covers.

“Come on, you – you said you were on bed rest,” Sirius teased, stopping by Remus’s side of the bed, Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius’s theatrics.

He motioned with his head for Remus to lie down.

Remus dropped his hands from Sirius’s and lay down on his back, watching as Sirius rounded the bed to the other side, climbed up, and lay next to Remus on his side. He patted Remus’s shoulder and indicated for him to lay on his side before tucking Remus’s back into his chest and draping his arm over his waist.

It wasn't like it fixed anything. Only it did. Because even though Remus wasn't free from pain or suddenly full of energy, Sirius was there and he wasn't alone.

Remus sighed in relief.

“Let me decide when I’m bored of you, okay?” Sirius spoke into the back of Remus’s neck, before kissing below his ear and tightening his hold a little.

***

Sirius

-

Sirius woke a little while later to Remus moaning in his sleep.

He leaned forward to feel Remus’s forehead, it was warm, but not especially fevered.

Sirius Sat up in Remus’s bed, and gently maneuvered Remus to be laid on his back.

He stirred awake.

“I’m sorry,’ Sirius whispered to him in the dark, “I thought the position might be causing you pain…” He trailed off as the look of discomfort written on Remus’s features softened when he heard Sirius speaking.

Remus didn’t speak but proceeded to take several deep breaths, seeking out Sirius’s hand in the folds of the duvet.

“What can I do, Remus?” Sirius whispered desperately, “can I get you some pain meds or the ice packs?” Remus shook his head.

“Have to wait till tomorrow for any more medication,” he spoke groggily, “just have to wait it out.”

“There has to be something; Lily said that sometimes massage can help?” Sirius suggested softly “have you tried that?”

“Difficult to massage away the pain on your own,” Remus cracked an eye open to look at Sirius sardonically.

Sirius snorted involuntarily.

“That’s enough sass out of you,” Sirius said, getting to his knees on the mattress and folding the duvet down, looking at Remus assessingly.

Remus was wearing The Sweats ™ again. When Sirius had seen him earlier, shirtless and still pink from the bath standing by his bed it had taken everything he had not to jump him on the spot.

Sirius realised with a growing feeling of resignation that his offer to give Remus a massage in The Sweats ™ would probably result in a very uncomfortable situation for him. He swallowed down the tightening of desire in his chest and resolved to get his mind out of the gutter.

“Where do you need it?” Sirius asked, unable to keep the husky note from his voice even as he tried to clear his throat.

“Can you do my hands?” Remus asked softly, closing his eyes as Sirius picked up his left hand and turned it over in his lap.

“I have some almond butter on that side,” Remus whispered nodding toward the bed stand on Sirius’s side.

Sirius shifted to reach the drawer and sifted through the contents, deliberately ignoring the condoms and lube he found tucked into the same drawer. He found the butter, and scooped out a dollop, warming it between his own hands before picking up Remus’s again from where it rested in his lap.

He began by running his thumb in gentle circles over Remus’s palms, working outwards from the center. Then he dug his thumb in slightly deeper, watching Remus keenly for signs he was making it worse, and massaged from the heel of Remus’s palms toward the base of his fingers. There, he spent some time gently working each knuckle joint between his own fingers, pressing gently but firmly between each, loosening the ligaments and working on improving the circulation, and then working through each of Remus’s digits. Sirius then turned Remus’s hand over and rubbed the remaining ointment onto the outside skin of Remus’s hands, all the while continuing to use slow circular movements.

Around the time that Sirius had switched to Remus’s other hand, Remus’s breathing seemed to deepen in relaxation and Sirius wondered if he’d fallen back asleep. He took the time to admire Remus’s hands, built broad and long. He soon lost himself in their feel and in the study of them. His hands were not delicate, but they were beautiful. The freckles that dusted Remus’s cheeks also dotted over the flats of his hands and forearms. The skin was soft and the pads of his fingertips had no calluses. There were slightly darker patches around his knuckles and the tendons that stuck out under the skin cast shadows in the dim light.

Remus chewed his cuticles; there were some raw patches around his thumbnails in particular - like he picked at them when he was nervous or thinking. His nails were trimmed and clean, however, and Sirius massaged a little of the butter into the bitten skin around them to stop them from stinging.

“Could you do my back and shoulders next?” Remus asked starting Sirius slightly out of his work.

Sirius cleared his throat again, “can you get onto your stomach for me?”

Remus slowly shifted so that he was on his front, with his head turned to the side so he could breathe and his arms laid next to him.

Sirius looked down at Remus’s moonlit torso as he considered how to position himself. He could just lean over Remus, but it would take some shuffling and that might jostle Remus unnecessarily.

There was also the issue of the rapidly swelling appendage Sirius was packing in his track pants just from the proximity to Remus’s bare skin laid so invitingly on a bed.

“Is it alright if I kneel over you?” Sirius asked awkwardly, “I won’t sit, I’ll just try to kind of hover?”

“Sure,” Remus said softly into the pillow like he was drifting off, but he cleared his throat like he wanted to stay awake, “I’ll let you know if it gets too much, but the pressure you were using on my hands felt nice so I think you could go harder if you wanted.”

Sirius took a sharp intake of breath at Remus’s choice of words. If he got any harder he was likely to keel over from lack of blood to his brain.

He carefully lifted a leg up and over Remus’s lower back so that he was straddling Remus’s torso but not sitting. He reached for another dollop of almond butter and tried to adjust himself so that his erection wouldn’t accidentally brush Remus's back.

He carefully leaned forward and spread the almond cream over his upper back.

Sirius started at the top, kneading into the muscles at the base of Remus’s neck. He started with circular motions again, warming the area with his touch and stopping and paying attention to knots as he found them. He worked downwards towards Remus’s shoulder blades, pushing his thumbs in deeply along the wing of his shoulder and into the center of his back and enjoying the vibrations of Remus’s voice as he hummed deeply in satisfaction as ligaments popped and crackled under Sirius’s hands.

Remus’s soft, freckled skin glowed with the heat of the massage and the ointment. Sirius felt his mouth go dry as he allowed himself to look.

He studied the expanse of Remus’s back in front of him. His shoulders and upper back were also covered with freckles.

He was also dotted with the occasional scar that looked medical in origin. Lily had told him that some people used to be treated for JIA with surgery to remove inflamed tissue and to ease the movements of their joints. That explained the scarring around Remus’s elbows and spine, and peeking out of the waist of his joggers by his hip. Sirius resisted to urge to lean down and kiss the silvery tissue gleaming in the low light but nonetheless found himself tracing each one as he encountered it along the skin of Remus’s back.

Remus was all long, lean muscle over bones which narrowed at his waist and broadened over his shoulders. He was slim, but with ropes of muscle that indicated that he enjoyed the kind of activity that toned rather than built. At the nape of his neck, the damp hair curled and glowed in the moonlight. The rest of his hair flopped over his face where it was turned to the side on the pillow.

Sirius couldn’t help it, he shifted up slightly and pushed the curls of his fringe out of his eyes before returning to his work squeezing, kneading, pressing, and trailing his hands over the warm, soft skin in firm, long, upward strokes.

As Sirius moved lower into the center of Remus’s torso, spreading his hands against the skin of Remus’s waist so that he could shift his position, he noticed that Remus's breathing was labored and hitching. He stilled.

“Too much?”

“No – no,” Remus spoke huskily, “Please keep going.”

Sirius’s thighs were beginning to burn from hovering over Remus. He leaned to the side for more ointment and accidentally sat back on Remus’s arse in the process.

Remus groaned, but it didn’t sound like pain.

Sirius paused, considering.

Testing a theory, Sirius lifted off, and Remus whimpered a little at the loss of contact and pressure.

Sirius smiled to himself, an idea forming.

He took a glob of the butter and sat back down lightly, still carrying most of his weight on his thighs, and used his oiled-up hands to massage upwards from the small of Remus’s back to the nape of his neck. He repeated the motion, dragging his pelvis lightly against Remus in experimentation. When Remus made a hum of approval, Sirius tilted his hips, rubbing his pelvis and raging boner against Remus’s lower back with slightly more pressure, his own breath hitching at the friction. He heard Remus gasp into the pillow in response.

He repeated the action, and then, when he was almost lying on top of Remus, his weight still mostly resting on his thighs and arm to the side of Remus’s shoulder, he whispered in his ear.

“Alright?” he breathed, and Remus nodded vigorously. Sirius settled to straddle Remus’s hips fully and was rewarded with a shiver and a moan from Remus as he presumably felt Sirius’s erection against his arse.

Sirius gripped the skin of Remus’s waist and shifted the angle of his hips and felt sparks of pleasure pool in his lower abdomen at the contact. Underneath him Remus was also rocking his pelvis down into the mattress, seeking out more friction.

They rutted like that for a few moments. Until Sirius swung his leg off of Remus, smirking at the noise of indignation he gave at the loss of Sirius’s weight pressing him into the mattress.

“Turn over,” Sirius instructed into his ear, and Remus didn’t hesitate to comply.

He gingerly flipped over onto his side to face Sirius who noticed with satisfaction the veritable tent in The Sweats ™. Sirius slipped down to lie facing Remus and slipped his knee between Remus’s legs, using the momentum to flip Remus onto his back and ground his pelvis down into Remus’s, earning him another moan, right into his ear.

Sirius caught Remus’s lips in his own as he thrust forward again and bit Remus’s lip. Remus gasped into his mouth and he swallowed it, smiling into the kisses as Remus dipped his tongue into Sirius’s mouth. Sirius responded enthusiastically, letting himself taste Remus, sliding his tongue against his and gasping in surprise when Remus sucked on his tongue, pushing spit between them as they rutted against each other in the moonlight.

Remus’s hands grasped Sirius’s waist and held him closer, his hips shifting infinitesimally, causing Sirius’s cock to hit just the right angle against Remus’s hip bone.

“Oh, fuck,” Sirius gasped, and Remus laughed breathily as he took the gap in Sirius’s kisses to suck on his earlobe and pepper open-mouthed kisses down Sirius’s throat.

Sirius pressed himself closer and picked up the pace of his thrusts. He noticed that Remus’s breathing was getting faster and more frantic as he did. He stopped kissing Sirius’s neck, to throw his head back against the pillow panting and Sirius took the opportunity to return the favour running his tongue along Remus’s neck and tasting the salt of his sweat. He placed sloppy, open-mouthed kisses along Remus’s collarbone and sucked hard at the juncture between his throat and shoulder loving the way his tongue glided over the smooth skin. Their clothed cocks brushed as they thrusted together and Sirius heard himself whimper, “oh God," as his pleasure built.

Suddenly Remus shuddered and tensed and punctuated his release with a sound like he’d been winded, a breathy, gasping sound, and the look the relief and ecstasy painted on his features was enough to tip Sirius over too, crying out into the soft skin of Remus’s neck.

***

Remus

-

After a moment, Sirius had caught his breath.

He lifted his head from where he’d sobbed his climax into Remus’s neck. He blinked his vision clear and ran his eyes over Remus’s features looking like he was suddenly anxious that he’d taken it too far.

Remus lifted a hand and cupped Sirius’s cheek, bringing his face closer for a lingering kiss and stroking the angled slope of Sirius of his cheekbone. Sirius breathed out a sigh of relief into the kiss and then settled comfortably into the gap between Remus’s arm and his chest. Remus turned his head to face him, enjoying his reddened lips - bruised and glistening with saliva - and the lingering flush his orgasm had left in his cheeks.

“I should have asked for a massage so much sooner,” Remus whispered, marveling at how good he felt. At how good it felt to hold Sirius.

Sirius actually giggled and snuggled into Remus’s side hiding his face in the hollow of his neck.

Remus held Sirius closer, trailing lines with his fingertips over the bare skin of his arm. He was so fucking soft – and so so beautiful in the low light coming in from the open window by his bed.

“You’re okay?” Sirius lifted his head to look at Remus with such tenderness that it made Remus’s heart squeeze tight.

“I’m bloody marvelous right now,” Remus returned with a filthy smirk that made Sirius’s cheeks colour visibly, even in the low lighting.

“I wasn’t too rough?”

“I’m sick but I’m not made from porcelain,” Remus huffed with a bit of indignance, “besides, I like it a little rough sometimes,” he smiled as Sirius’s eyes darted down to the bruise that he’d probably left on Remus’s pulse point.

Remus stretched to his bedside to snap on the lamp there, wanting to see the colour in Sirius’s cheeks for himself. They both blinked in the brightness of the lamp, but sure enough, the pink flush was high over Sirius’s cheekbones but his eyes shone with mischief before he buried his head sheepishly into Remus’s chest again.

“I will need to change my pants, however,” he spoke softly into Sirius’s hair as he dissolved into laughter again.

“Oh god,” Sirius groaned, still laughing “Me too.”

He sat up out of Remus’s embrace.

“Want me to throw you something from your wardrobe when I go and get something from my suitcase in the spare?” Sirius asked with a raised brow and a smirk.

“Yes please,” Remus replied with a laugh, sitting up stiffly as Sirius walked to the wardrobe, rummaged through the drawers, and threw a pair of flannel bottoms and some briefs to Remus where he sat before disappearing down the hall into the spare.

Remus gingerly peeled off the boxers and joggers he wore, dropped them on the floor, and stepped into the fresh clothes, pulling the drawstring as Sirius re-entered, shirtless and now sporting a pair of black joggers of his own.

Sirius picked up Remus’s soiled pants and sweats before he could stop him and made his way to the hamper. He paused and gestured to the grey sweats before throwing them into the hamper by the door.

“These need a safety warning,” Sirius said solemnly.

Remus climbed back onto the bed, rested his head back onto his hands folded behind his head, and gave Sirius a curious look.

“What’s wrong with my joggers?”

Sirius gave him a deadpan look before walking to the edge of the bed, mounting it, and crawling over Remus’s stretched-out form until he was on his hands and knees looking down into Remus’s eyes, his hair falling around his face like a veil of black.

“Because they’ve almost caused me to spontaneously combust twice now,” he said with a smirk, leaning down to peck the corner of Remus’s mouth, “And to actually combust at least once,” he leaned down to peck the other corner, “so far, that is.”

“Is that so?” Remus reached up and tugged on a curl hanging around Sirius’s face. It was like spun silk between his fingers.

“Mhmm,” Sirius nodded fighting a smirk, “I’m going to have to seek compensation,” He sat back straddling Remus’s waist and looking down at Remus with a cheeky smile.

“Well,” Remus replied fondly, “If you can seek compensation for those,” he propped himself up so he was sitting against his pillows, “then I get to seek some for these,” he finished, running his hands over the tattoos covering Sirius’s torso.

Sirius leaned back with a smirk, letting Remus look closer.

“What, these old things?” he said with a saucy twinkle.

Remus had no words so he just hummed low in his throat in appreciation as he traced the tattoo of the stag and the dog looking up at the starry sky above on his side. He looked up at Sirius in wordless question.

“It’s for me and James,” Sirius said with a soft smile, “Once, on a dare, we went to a psychic medium, and she told us that I have the spirit of a dog, and James has the spirit of a stag,” he finished sheepishly.

At Remus’s raised brows Sirius laughed.

“I mean at least half of it must be nonsense, she probably just knows about Canis Major, and pulled James’s out of her thumb, but-”

“No, I think there’s something to it,” Remus responded teasingly, “you are a bit like a dog.”

He laughed at the faux-offended expression Sirius gave him.

“Have you ever been on a dog-friendly beach?” Remus asked, pulling Sirius closer by the waist.

Sirius responded by draping his arms around Remus’s neck, eyes sparkling.

“Yes,” Sirius replied, trying and failing to keep a straight face.

“Well, you know how the big dogs always go tearing around with their fur trailing behind them in the wind, frolicking around as if they’ve never been happier?” Remus asked, bringing his knuckles up to brush against Sirius’s jaw tenderly.

“Mhmm,” Sirius hummed in agreement, leaning into Remus’s touch, his mouth grudgingly turning upwards.

“Well, it’s a bit like when you’re happy or excited,” Remus laughed at the disbelieving look that coloured Sirius’s expression as he looked down at Remus and he hurried to clarify, “You delight everyone who sees you that way, and it infects everyone, making their day sunnier - better,” Remus shrugged.

Sirius looked at him in surprise and then his face softened like he might cry he was so overwhelmed. Then he bit his lip and narrowed his eyes playfully.

“So you’re saying I’m big?” he asked with a filthy smirk and Remus threw his head back, cackling with laughter.

Sirius swung his legs off of Remus’s lap and lay back on the pillow beside him, looking pleased to have made Remus laugh. Remus lay back down, making space for Sirius at his side and patting his shoulder in an invitation to Sirius, still laughing.

Sirius crawled into the spot next to Remus, snuggling into his side and resting his head on Remus’s chest while he waited for Remus to compose himself.

“Well,” Remus finally responded, wrapping his arm around Sirius, “I really couldn’t say for sure,” Remus continued, his voice still rich with mirth, “we’ll have to confirm for certain another time,” he finished with a pointedly raised brow, looking down at Sirius’s blushing cheeks and sparkling eyes.

“Promise?” Sirius quipped cheekily.

“Without reservation,” Remus swore as he leaned in to kiss Sirius’s forehead. Then he reached over, switched off the bedside light, and plunged them into darkness once more.

Notes:

A friendly massage escalating into something else? I've never heard of such a thing *clutches pearls*

Chapter 26: I Once Believed Love Would be Black and White, But it's Golden.

Summary:

The lads have breakfast the morning after the night before.

TW: toe-curling fluff.

Sirius

-

Sirius was woken the next morning by the sunlight streaming into Remus’s open window, flooding the bed with light and bringing with it the smell of summer wafting on the breeze.

The beams of light fell over the room that Sirius had briefly taken in the day before while Remus was in the bath and Sirius had done a little bit of his life admin at Lily’s suggestion.

Remus’s room was furnished simply, with a bed and two bedsteads made with dark oak. There was an armoire on the same wall as the open window, so that anyone who sat there would have light streaming on their face.

While the vanity likely had belonged to Poppy before Remus, Remus clearly used the space in his own way. His pills were organized on the one side and a selection of things he seemed to think were useful were on the other. From where he lay, Sirius spied a dish with cufflinks and some loose change, some aftershave, and a stack of books.

On closer inspection, the books had all been leather bound, soft cover journals – the kind that had an elastic around them to prevent them from flapping open and misshaping. A spark of curiosity reignited in Sirius at the memory of Remus saying he wrote creative non-fiction and the occasional poem last week while they were texting.

On the opposite wall from the window wall, was the in-built wardrobe that Sirius was already familiar with, having dug Remus out some pants the night before. His cheeks began to heat as he remembered what had prompted that particular rummage.

That memory finally prompted Sirius to take in the warm, bare chest he was resting his head on currently. He’d saved the best for last.

The sunbeams that fell across the bed also fell over Remus’s still sleeping form. He lay on his back with his face turned on the pillow toward Sirius like at some point during the night he had unconsciously buried his nose in Sirius’s hair. His golden-brown locks fell onto his pillow and the light fell across the rippling curls, giving them the appearance of spun bronze and copper.

The sun was warming Remus’s skin and the dusting of freckles over his cheeks seemed to drink in the heat as it caused the skin to tinge pink in the early morning. The lashes fringing his eyes were a darker shade of brownish copper, and they fanned out around the half-moon of Remus’s eyelid thickly. They looked so soft that Sirius only just caught himself from reaching out to touch him.

Sirius felt his throat squeeze tightly with emotion he couldn’t place. He’d never felt anything like he had waking up with Remus.

He’d noticed it on Tuesday they had spent the night on the couch downstairs. Then, Sirius had woken with Remus on his chest, and he’d had to leave the room under the guise of using the bathroom to compose himself.

Because looking into Remus’s face in the early morning made Sirius feel like the last vestiges of his thick exterior were being bulldozed away, leaving in their wake his raw, mushy center with nothing to hold it steady. In the absence of that wall, he felt like he would ooze away into nothing, exposed and vulnerable.

It was like he was breaking out of a prison cell and running at full speed into a storm of feelings he’d never encountered before, and it scared him.

He felt simultaneously like he could burst with joy, but also like he might crumple under its weight. The weight of fear of getting it wrong, or of pushing Remus away. The crushing pressure of the anxiety that he still might have read this wrong or that might be letting this moment slip away because he was overthinking it too much.

But the fear was met with equal parts elation and euphoria. He thought that if he allowed the emotion he felt bubbling up his throat to spill from his eyes the tears would be made from liquid gold. Sirius looked down at himself draped over Remus’s chest and half expected to see himself glowing in all of the places where Remus had touched – like his fingertips had left permanent, shimmering markings on his body.

Just then, the gilded man began to stir under Sirius, his breath changing as he transitioned back into consciousness and his arm tightened around Sirius, pulling him closer even as his eyes opened, blinking and unfocussed in the bright light of the morning.

“Oh,” Remus breathed as his gaze settled on Sirius.

His eyes crinkled as he took in Sirius studying him, his thumb making circles over Sirius’s bare shoulder.

“Oh?” Sirius asked curiously, anxiety mingling with pleasure at Remus’s touch.

“I didn’t dream you up,” Remus said, his gaze soft on Sirius.

Sirius just blinked in wonder at the way the light made Remus’s normally chocolaty gaze shine like backlit aged whisky.

“You know, It’s like the sun was just waiting its whole life to have you to reflect its light back to it,” Sirius murmured, before freezing, realising he’d said it out loud.

But Remus didn’t seem horrified that Sirius had taken a somewhat lyrical turn that Sunday morning.

“Isn’t that what the moon is for?” his eyes crinkled further in fond amusement.

“Maybe you’re just the moon in human form,” Sirius quipped playfully, tugging on a stray golden curl that had flopped onto Remus’s forehead.

“How is it today?”

Remus took an experimental deep breath and moved his arms from around Sirius to try some stretches before his breath hitched in pain and he sighed, falling back into the mattress in resignation.

“Better than yesterday, but only just,”

Sirius hummed in sympathy.

“What’s your flare breakfast of choice?” He asked, trying to figure out if he could whip something up from the sparse pickings in Remus’s fridge or if he should just order in.

“Literally anything I don’t have to cook,” Remus croaked tiredly.

Sirius reached for his phone from the bedside and placed an order for a couple of paleo breakfasts from a nearby café that delivered. He didn’t really know what paleo meant but the bit of research he’d done on RA after Remus had told him about his illness told him that arthritis-friendly meals were supposed to be as unprocessed as possible and should include plenty of plant-based, nutrient-rich food and the paleo breakfast featured far more veggies than Sirius had ever seen in a breakfast option before.

“Is today gonna be a bed rest day?” Sirius asked from where he sat at the edge of the bed.

“Let me eat and take my meds and then I’ll tell you,” Remus said, not unkindly but with a kind of resigned withdrawal.

“I’ll get us some coffee,” Sirius responded and Remus just nodded into his pillow.

***

Remus

-

When Sirius returned a little while later, armed with mugs full of richly smelling coffee and a tray of the healthiest breakfast he’d ever seen, Remus was seated in bed with his eyes shut and his head leaning back against the headboard.

As he heard Sirius approach, Remus turned to look at him, mouth quirking into a sheepish smile at the tentative way that Sirius approached.

Sirius put the tray down and moved to sit next to Remus, who flopped down to rest his head in Sirius’s lap.

“I’m sorry I closed off like that. I just feel like shit,” he grumbled into Sirius’s thighs.

“Should I have slept in the spare?” Sirius asked threading his fingers through Remus’s hair gently, “I want to help but I don’t want to be in the way.”

“No – no,” Remus snaked his arms around Sirius’s waist as if he was getting up to leave that moment and burrowing his head further, “I’m happy you’re here, but it doesn’t stop this from being god-awful.”

“Who looks after you when this happened before?” Sirius spoke softly, deft fingers pressing into Remus’s scalp.

Remus tried to decide how to answer that without sounding like a pathetic weirdo without friends.

“When it’s bad, there’s a community nurse who comes and checks in to make sure I eat, shower, and get out of bed occasionally.”

Sirius’s fingers stilled as he registered what Remus had not said. Since he was a teenager, Remus had only ever done this alone.

Tactful man that he was, Sirius let it go and instead tapped Remus’s shoulder gently, indicating he should sit up.

Remus grumbled and tightened his hold on Sirius’s waist, not moving.

“We need to get some food into you for meds, Moony,” Sirius said, running his hands over Remus’s hair again.

Remus did sit up then, to look at Sirius in puzzled disbelief.

“Moony?”

Sirius blushed.

“It suits you; don’t you think?” He asked sheepishly, trying to squash his smile.

“And what should I call you?” Remus asked, pulling the tray between them so they could eat.

“I mean James calls me Padfoot because of that bullshit medium’s aura reading,” At Remus’s continued bemused expression Sirius smirked.

“Like the pads of a dog’s paws?”

Remus nodded in understanding, taking a bite of his meal, and smiling around the fork.

“What do you call him?”

“We call him Prongs for the same reason – the antlers, you know?”

Remus huffed a laugh.

“And didn’t you say there was another of the group that I’ve not met yet?” Remus asked in between bites.

“Oh yeah, Pete,” Sirius said as he swallowed a bit of his meal, “We call him Wormtail because he went through a phase where the grew his hair out into a mullet and then tried to braid the long pieces, but his hair was too thin and it looked like the tail of a rat,” he snorted as he took a sip from his coffee.

“Pete’s a chef, he made your dinner last night,”

“Ah, remind me to thank him,” Remus responded remembering the expertly cooked fish and veggies from the night before, “and thank you for breakfast by the by,” he smiled at Sirius who looked pleased even as he tilted his head like it was nothing.

Remus smiled in amusement as he finished what he could and then took the short journey to the armoire to get his pills. On his way back to the bed, he caught Sirius staring.

Remus smirked and took the opportunity to return his gaze.

Sirius was a vision in the sunlight streaming onto Remus’s bed.

His long black hair was mussed and wavy, and he’d shoved it behind his ears carelessly. The sun caught the dark locks and made them shine like polished obsidian.

His white skin seemed, as always, to give a lit-within quality, casting shadows and glowing in the morning light, which was enhanced by those damned tattoos that covered his polished marble torso.

Remus pulled his gaze from Sirius’s slimly muscled waist and up to his glowing, mercury eyes, which met his, at first uncertainly, and then boldly as he leaned back on his arms as if in challenge. Remus took a deep breath, remembering he needed to take the pills he was currently cupping in his hand.

He climbed back onto his bed, reached over Sirius for the other cup of coffee, and swallowed the pills in one go.

Sirius cleared his throat nervously and Remus looked at him in bemusement.

“Uh, we should probably talk about some of what’s been going on,” He bit his lip as he looked uncertainly at Remus.

Remus leaned back against the headboard and considered that.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t been thinking the same thing. In fact, since he’d opened his eyes to find Sirius already looking at him, all he had wanted was to know how Sirius was, how he felt, and what he wanted from this.

It didn’t escape Remus that Sirius was still fresh out a long-term relationship, and he was probably worried about what his friends would think if he jumped into something too quickly. Had Sirius even slept with a man before? Rutting together in the dark was one thing, but if their heated gazes and the physical draw were anything to go by it was only a matter of time before more happened.

Sirius had seemed comfortable afterward, there didn’t seem to be any residual shame or embarrassment of what they had done, but Remus didn’t want Sirius to feel pushed or obligated to do anything.

That was important if this went the direction that Remus so hoped it was.

And then Remus tried to puzzle out his own feelings on the matter. He’d never had a real relationship – only ever hookups and one-night stands. He’d never wanted the admin of a relationship or the inevitable hurt that they’d lead to. Remus was comfortable on his own, and he was used to his loneliness. It was predictable and complication-free.

But Sirius made him want more. Having him in Remus’s bed and wrapped in his arms made Remus feel like a hollow spot he’d always lived with might be filling up. Not in some kind of bullshit “you complete me” way, but Sirius made him feel more like himself and less like someone that was biding their time waiting to die. Sirius looked at him – even after he’d cleaned up after him and seen him in a worse position than anyone still alive in Remus’s life had – like Remus brought the tide in and caused the world to turn.

But it had still only been 2 weeks.

Remus swallowed. He looked at Sirius looking back at him in concern while he had thought.

“I feel like I should start by asking you if you’re alright after last night,” Remus spoke softly.

Sirius’s brow shot up like that wasn’t what he’d been expecting.

“I mean, I don’t know if you’ve ever-”

“I hadn’t,” Sirius responded, colouring prettily, “But I er, I had fun. I thought I’d made that clear,” He smirked as his blush spread.

“And is that what you want from this?” Remus asked, scared of the answer even as he knew he had to ask, “Are you just looking for something casual and fun?”

Remus watched Sirius’s face go on a journey of confusion, anxiety, and then a bit of hurt and panic. He hurried to make his intention for asking clear.

“I only ask,” Remus started again, taking Sirius’s hand and squeezing, “because I know that You’re just out of a relationship, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you to jump into something you’re not ready for.”

Sirius squeezed his hand back and replied cautiously, “Is that what you’re looking for? Something casual?”

“No,” Remus responded honestly, “I’ve only ever done casual,” he brought Sirius’s hand to his mouth and kissed his knuckles, “this feels like something else, doesn’t it?”

Sirius’s face flooded with relief and joy and he shifted closer.

“Yeah,” he said with a small smile.

“So, I’ll move at your pace,” Remus said ducking his head to meet Sirius’s eyes and brushing their noses, “But can we agree that it’s going somewhere?”

Sirius nodded emphatically and brought his hands up to cup Remus’s face, moving in for a languid kiss that said he agreed wholeheartedly.

“Yes,” He confirmed like he was worried that Remus hadn’t caught his agreement through the kiss.

Remus covered Sirius’s hands on his cheeks with his own.

“Are you happy for me to stay here while you get better?” Sirius asked, leaning his forehead against Remus’s.

“Mhmm,” Remus responded, “You can stay as long as you’d like,” he finished and leaned in for a chaste kiss before he let Sirius go and made to stand.

“I’m going for a shower,” he said as he made his way to the hook that held his gown, “by the time I’m out the meds should be working and I’ll know if I’m going back to bed or if I’m ready to brave the stairs.”

“Stay tuned for this unfolding story,” Sirius quipped as he laid out fully on Remus’s bed and stretched out his long limbs in contentment.

Remus got one last look at Sirius sprawled out on his bed before he smiled to himself and shut the bathroom door behind him.

Notes:

Thank you, as always, for reading <3

Chapter 27: A Moment's Silence When My Baby Put's Their Mouth on Me

Summary:

classic literature, fluff and smut - oh my!

Nah seriously (Siriusly), if you know me and you read this then no you don't.
I've marked the smut with a star so you don't have to miss the book-talk if you don't want to haha.

Remus:

-

When Remus returned from his shower it was quite apparent that he was not ready to brave the stairs yet.

When Sirius came to check on him Remus told him as much, expecting to see the disappointment in his features.

Instead, Sirius nodded as if he’d expected as much.

“Do you need anything to drink or any of the ice packs?”

Remus responded that he might opt for some water in a bottle so he could sip it through the rest of the morning.

That was how they ended up spending the Sunday lounging on Remus’s bed, alternating between dozing and chatting, with the occasional snog session thrown in for good measure.

Sirius never pushed it quite as far as he had the night before, but Remus suspected that had more to do with Sirius still feeling like his presence was detrimental to Remus’s recovery somehow. Remus didn’t mention it, however, feeling that Sirius would get the hang of it eventually, and for now, it was just nice to spend time together that wasn’t predicated on some disaster or death.

It felt unbelievably domestic.

Remus would fall asleep pillowed on Sirius’s stomach to the sound of his smooth voice chatting away and the feeling of his fingers kneading his scalp to wake up a little while later to find Sirius still in place scrolling on his phone like there was nowhere else he’d rather be.

Or they’d emerge from the heady space of shared breath and sliding tongues to just look at each other and smile shyly, trying to ignore the way their bodies were responding to the extended proximity or otherwise laughing as it became obvious just how badly they wanted each other.

Otherwise, they might just sit in companionable silence as Remus read and Sirius texted James, each sipping tea and observing the day passing.

The light outside rose and fell until eventually, Remus was emerging from his 4th nap of the day, rolling over and looking for Sirius to find him sitting, cross-legged reading from Remus’s copy of Wuthering Heights.

He had tied his hair up and changed into a black crew neck sweatshirt as the day cooled. His brow was adorably furrowed like he was trying and failing to understand the literary classic. He was so engrossed that he hadn’t noticed Remus staring.

Remus reached up from where he was lying and tugged at an ebony curl that had found its way out of Sirius’s bun, prompting Sirius to look up and smile at Remus in a lazy, affectionate manner.

He put the open book down and cover up to avoid losing his place and shifted down under the covers so that Remus could roll into his side.

“Emily Bronte defeating you is she?” Remus mumbled sleepily into Sirius’s chest.

“I don’t really understand why it’s considered a romance when I’m only a few chapters in and there are just dead rabbits, someone convalescing of pneumonia, a ghost getting its hand sawn off, and a child being racially profiled in the house he was adopted into?” Sirius said tapping the book's cover in confusion.

“It’s not strictly a romance,” Remus said, yawning and snuggling closer.

“It’s more gothic than romantic,” he continued, “not that those two are mutually exclusive, but the romantic elements are more to highlight the societally induced angst and uncanny elements of the story.”

Sirius looked at Remus in interest, and Remus continued.

“The story is cyclical, it shows how the sins of our ancestors create the ground for the youth to suffer, and illustrate how societal structures and expectations force people to take on roles they’re not suited for. Kathy loves Heathcliff, but she can’t marry below her status and so she ends up wasting away, unable to be who she is – wild and free on the moors – or to love who she loves. Heathcliff takes on the classic role of the angry young man with a chip on his shoulder and a point to prove when he finds out that Kathy won’t have him. It makes him bitter and cruel and ruins him ultimately. He’s haunted by her and he welcomes it because their world couldn’t let them be together in life. It’s all return of the oppressed and omens of death and societal decay being enacted through the bodies of the vulnerable.”

Sirius stared down at Remus when he finished his mini-lecture. Then he looked back at the book.

“Maybe I should give it another chance,” he said thoughtfully, tightening his hold on Remus’s shoulders, “I feel like I have a bit in common with a lot of those characters,” he huffed a laugh.

Remus chuckled in response.

“Your reading experience of the book will improve markedly the second you stop expecting anyone to be a good person,” He smirked into the fabric of Sirius’s sweatshirt.

“What is it about the book that draws you?” Sirius asked, “You’ve clearly read it more than once,” he smirked knowingly down at Remus.

Remus shifted up so that he was sitting and made a grabby hand toward the book on the other side of Sirius. Sirius passed the book and then shifted so that he could lean against Remus’s shoulder.

Remus tucked Sirius into his side and opened his favourite section. He began to read.

“…so he shall never know how I love him; and that, not because he’s handsome, Nelly, but because he’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same, and he,” Remus stopped to clarify that ‘he’ was Edgar Linton, “is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire.”

He looked down to see Sirius listening raptly.

“How is that simultaneously the most heartfelt thing I’ve ever heard, but somehow the saddest?” Sirius looked up and asked thoughtfully.

“Because she’s not saying that she loves Heathcliff, she’s saying that she IS Heathcliff,” Remus explained. She sees herself in him and that’s why she turns to Edgar because she and Heathcliff share the societal prejudice – her as a woman, him as someone lower born and probably foreign – the same nature. They’re both untameable and chaotic. But her efforts to find someone to balance her only end up oppressing her into nothing. So she’s faced with either the mutually assured destruction that being with Heathcliff guarantees, or she fades away into an object with Edgar. She doesn’t have a choice – her society has made it for her.”

“…I can relate to that,” Sirius said quietly and Remus tightened his hold around him sympathetically, “That’s why I left my family,” he looked up at Remus again, “They’re quite influential and wealthy, they back channel a lot of political stuff and they have a finger of influence in every pie that matters. Staying with them was killing me, not just because of the homophobia, racism, or classism, but because there was only one approved path for me to be acceptable and I was never going to follow it.”

“I guess you had more options available to you than a Victorian woman who lived out in the English moors at least,” Remus said drily and Sirius laughed, grateful at the humour.

“Thank god for James Potter,” he said marveling, affection filling his tone as he thought about his best friend.

Remus kissed the top of Sirius’s head.

“Shall we brave the stairs and order dinner?” Remus spoke into the silky locks.

“Yeah?” Sirius asked, delighted that Remus was feeling up to trying a new location.

“I might need your shoulder,” Remus smirked, “But yeah, let's give the bed a break.”

Sirius snorted a laugh and got up and out of Remus’s embrace and leveraged him onto his feet, steadying him by the waist as he stumbled upright.

***

Sirius

-

Remus ordered a curry and they ate at the kitchen table, shredding up naan and dipping it into the spicy, fragrant sauce, and munching on juicy marinated meat and rice.

“I’ll need to go into the shop this week, give Marlene a break from running it almost single handily last week,” Sirius smirked as he took a mouthful of rice.

Remus nodded as he finished a mouthful, listening.

“I usually close the shop for an hour at lunch to take a break when I’m there on my own, so I’ll pop back to check in with you during that if that’s okay?”

Sirius watched as Remus swallowed.

“You don’t have to do that, I’ll be okay for a few hours on my own,” He frowned.

“I know that,” Sirius said smiling before he stopped abruptly, “Unless you’d prefer I stay away?”

Remus huffed in amused frustration.

“No, you muppet, I said you’re welcome here and I meant it, I just don’t want you to feel like you have to pause your whole life for me,” he said rolling his eyes but smiling.

“Oh,” Sirius’s lips quirked in a smile, “well I’d like to do this,” he said quietly, using some naan to mop up the excess sauce on his plate, “otherwise I’ll just be eating lunch on my own in the backroom anyway.”

“Maybe in a few days I’ll be feeling well enough to come to visit you for your lunch instead,” Remus replied shyly.

Sirius looked up and smiled.

“That would be lovely,” he said trying to suppress his joy at the idea, “but don’t overdo it, with you only having to go in to work once a week now there will be lots of opportunities to come visit,” he said hopefully.

Remus’s face lit up, and Sirius felt a thrill at being the cause.

They finished up their meals and Sirius insisted on washing up while Remus went through to the living room to relax.

He came through after he had loaded the dishwasher and found Remus thumbing through another book.

“I feel like you might enjoy this one too,” he said with a smirk, “It’s kind of the Bronte gateway drug if you will.”

Sirius walked over and took the book from Remus and read the title.

“Jane Eyre, ey?” Sirius said smirking back.

He met Remus’s eyes and took in the heat underlying his gaze as he looked up at Sirius. His breath hitched.

“What’s so special about Jane then?” Sirius asked as he lowered himself on the couch, leaning one knee on the pillow to one side of Remus’s seated legs, inserting himself into Remus’s space.

“Very little, according to most of the people in her world,” Remus replied.

Sirius watched his pupils dilate and brought his other knee up so that he was straddling Remus’s legs.

“But the point of the story is that Jane understands that everything happening to her is unjust and she refuses to let it define her,” His hands came up to rest on Sirius’s hips just as Sirius circled Remus’s neck with his arms.

“And there are plenty of theories that Jane represents a kind of ancient fae because of her association with the wilds of the moors and stormy nights,” Remus raised his eyebrows teasingly, “and then of course there’s your casual mad-woman stashed away in the attic by her love interest.”

Sirius paused, distracted momentarily.

“I mean, if they don’t employ you to write book synopsizes then they should, because I am definitely reading this book now,” he said smirking down at Remus, whose smile grew wolfish and playful as his hands tightened on Sirius.

“Maybe not now though,” Sirius murmured, dropping the book on a side table without looking away from Remus, leaning in to take face in his hands, lean down and kiss him.

*

Remus responded enthusiastically, returning the kiss and sliding his hands up and down Sirius’s sides. His hands caught on the hem of Sirius’s crew neck and Sirius broke the kiss and lifted his arms to help Remus remove the article.

Once he was free of the jumper he leaned back sighing in appreciation when Remus used his position to nuzzle the stubble developing on Sirius’s jaw and kiss his way down to Sirius’s collarbone. Sirius gasped as Remus ran his tongue over Sirius’s nipple, biting softly at first, and then harder when it became apparent that Sirius may like it a little rough as well.

Remus held Sirius tightly with one hand gripping the side of his waist as the other wandered to the back of Sirius’s joggers, sliding over his arse and squeezing through the fabric. His other hand loosened its grip on Sirius’s flesh and began to thumb at Sirius’s waistband. He looked up from the attention he was giving Sirius’s nipples in question as his thumb dipped below the band.

“This okay?” Remus asked huskily, Sirius licked his lips and nodded enthusiastically before taking Remus’s lips again and bringing his hands to thread through Remus’s hair, pulling ever so slightly when the hand that Remus had teased by the elastic of his trousers finally slipped under, running over the bare skin of Sirius’s hip and arse.

Sirius tugged at Remus’s jumper, wanting to look at him and Remus briefly removed his hands from their place under the fleece to pull his jumper off and throw it behind the couch.

Then Remus tapped Sirius on the side like he wanted him to get up, which Sirius obliged. Remus followed and then pushed Sirius down so he was lying on his back along the length of the couch and then crouched over him resuming his groping under Sirius’s joggers and renewing his efforts to get his tongue as far down Sirius’s throat as it would go.

Sirius, in the meantime, was reveling in the feeling of Remus’s bare torso again, running his hands up his chest and meeting the barrier of Remus’s own joggers. Just as Sirius was about to break their kiss to check that Remus was alright, Remus’s hand moved lower, teasingly hovering around the sensitive and swollen flesh of Sirius’s erection. He stopped and looked down at Sirius.

“Do you want to stop?”

“Depends,” Sirius replied, looking into Remus’s warm gaze with his hand cradling his cheek, “you’re not overdoing it are you?”

Remus breathed out a laugh and kissed Sirius sweetly before he bit down on Sirius’s lower lip hard.

“I might be more comfortable if we were in a bed?” Remus asked with a raised brow and a filthy smirk.

“Done,” Sirius agreed, Kissing Remus on the jaw before he got up off of his position hovering over Sirius, and waiting for him to follow.

Sirius followed behind Remus, being tugged along by the hand as Remus climbed the stairs carefully.

Sirius placed his hands on his waist from behind as they went and kissed the breadth of Remus’s shoulders as they neared the top of the stairs and Remus leaned his head back onto Sirius’s shoulder, inviting Sirius to suck on the soft skin of his neck as they made their way into the bedroom.

They reached the bed and Remus turned in Sirius’s arms, wrapping his own around Sirius’s waist and pulling him close enough to feel the hard line of his cock under his joggers.

“We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with,” Remus said between kisses.

Sirius pressed his own boner against Remus and kissed him back.

“I know,” Sirius said between gasps, “maybe, just hand stuff for a bit?”

Remus growled his approval, turned them, and pushed Sirius back onto the bed.

He crawled into Sirius’s waiting arms and knelt over him on all fours as his hand dipped beneath the line of his waistband, kissing all the while.

He met Sirius’s eye with a raised brow as he palmed the inside of Sirius’s thigh as if to ask ‘you sure?’, to which Sirius responded by reaching into his own trousers, finding Remus’s hand, and placing it over his erect cock.

Remus groaned as his hand wrapped around Sirius and stroked a few times experimentally causing Sirius to moan into Remus’s mouth.

Sirius brought his own hand to Remus’s waistband.

“Yeah?” He asked Remus, unable to say more as Remus worked for his hand around Sirius’s length, using his thumb to circle the tip of his cock and spreading the precum over the soft skin.

“You first,” Remus growled, removing his hand from Sirius to swot at Sirius’s pawing at the waist of his trousers.

“I don’t want any of my attention diverted from the way you look when you come all over my hand,” Remus muttered into Sirius’s ear as he yanked Sirius’s trousers down to see Sirius spring out of his pants.

He looked down and then leaned back to sit on his heels over Sirius’s legs, bringing his hand to wrap around the base of his cock again.

Remus brought his hand up and down with gentle strokes as he took in the sight of Sirius splayed out before him.

He shook his head as he worked Sirius like he’d never seen anything quite like him before.

“I thought about this on Friday,” Remus said softly, making eye contact with Sirius where he was reclined on his elbows, watching Remus touch him, “after your mind-melting performance in the conference room,”

“Oh, God Remus,” Sirius moaned thinking of the way Remus had looked in that Corduroy suit.

“Ah there you are,” Remus purred leaning forward to look at Sirius closer, “you’re normally so talkative, I thought I’d stunned you speechless,” he replied with a feral snarl.

He drew the hand not holding Sirius up to Sirius’s mouth, “Spit for me,” he commanded.

Sirius leaned forward and allowed himself to spit and drool into Remus’s open palm. When he’d done so, Remus leaned in and licked the excess saliva from Sirius’s chin.

“Good boy,” He whispered in Sirius’s ear and he whimpered as Remus spread the spit over Sirius’s length and increased the speed at which he was pumping his fist.

“Jesus Christ, Remus,” Sirius cried out as he collapsed back on the bed.

“You were so cock-sure and competent, telling Albus where to shove his demands,” Remus continued as he continued to touch Sirius.

“Yeah?” Sirius breathed as he felt his abdomen tighten and his breathing hitch as his pleasure built.

“All I could think about was getting you into my office,” he said pausing to get Sirius’s joggers the rest of the way off.

Sirius helped by kicking them off his feet in time for Remus to resume his pumping, nudge Sirius’s legs apart, hitch up one of Sirius’s knees, and lean forward, offering a finger of Sirius to suck on.

Sirius took the digit into his mouth and then moaned in satisfaction when Remus added another. Sirius swirled his tongue around the soft skin coating them in his spit.

“-locking the door and closing the blinds,” Remus continued as he removed his fingers from Sirius’s mouth leaving a trail of spit that he promptly kissed away, “and showing you just how turned on you made me in that fucking suit jacket,” Sirius saw Remus reach into the drawer next to the bed and coat his fingers in the lube he’d seen there the night before. Then he felt Remus reach down and ghost his fingers at his entrance and he tensed in anticipation.

Remus suddenly stopped the beautiful things he was doing to Sirius’s cock with his hand to take Sirius’s cheek and look deeply into his eyes.

“Breathe with me, yeah?” he whispered as his finger circled Sirius’s opening, “Try to relax, I’ll stop if you’re not okay with this,”

“I’m okay,” Reassured Sirius, “I want to, Moony,”

At the use of his new nickname, Sirius saw Remus’s eyes darken further as he leaned forward to bury his tongue in Sirius’s mouth, pushing spit between them and causing Sirius to moan again.

They breathed into each-others mouths as Remus gently pressed one finger and then another past the tight ring of muscle at Sirius’s entrance. Sirius writhed with pleasure, seeing stars as Remus buried his fingers to the knuckle and crooked his fingers at just the right angle.

Then Remus resumed his work on Sirius’s cock and Sirius exploded in a burst of white light behind his eyes as he came, crying out “Moony!”

***

Remus

-

Remus watched as gradually Sirius came back to himself following his orgasm. He stared, openly dumb-founded as he took in the sheen of sweat over Sirius’s temples and the pink flush over his chest and neck, complimented with the redness of his lips.

He was even more beautiful when he came.

Sirius blinked his eyes open and looked up at Remus like he had descended on a cloud just for him.

Remus brought his hand up to his mouth, and methodically licked his hand clean of Sirius’s come, keeping eye contact the whole time and smirking as Sirius took on an expression of abject adoration.

When he was done, Remus flopped down on the bed next to where Sirius was still regaining his ability to use the spoken word smiling as Sirius’s gaze followed him down and turned toward him on the pillow next to him.

“Shit,” Sirius whispered.

Remus chuckled in response.

“I’ll get you back,” Sirius flapped a hand in his general direction, “just wait till I can feel my legs again.”

Remus laughed for real that time and then looked to where Sirius still lay like he was in shock. He turned on his side and stroked Sirius’s cheek until he turned to look at him again.

“Alright?” Remus asked gently, stroking Sirius’s hair and kissing the end of his nose.

Sirius turned so that he was on his side looking into Remus’s eyes as he smiled.

“I’m fucking excellent,” he laughed bringing a hand up to cover Remus’s hand where it rested on his cheek, “And you? How’re the aches?”

“Aching,” Remus said with a shrug, “but not more so because of getting you off,” he clarified with a smirk when Sirius looked anxious again.

“Hmm, well you know what’s infamously effective pain relief, don’t you?” Sirius asked huskily, bringing his one hand under the band of Remus’s joggers and the other to Remus’s neck bringing their lips together again.

“Mmmm, Yes I’ve heard rumours of such things,” Remus groaned as Sirius took his cock in his hand, tentatively at first, like he thought Remus might stop him, and then more confidently as Remus moaned in pleasure.

Sirius patted Remus’s hip to get him to lift so Sirius could strip him of his pants, and then he watched Sirius's expression go from blank shock to a kind of feral hunger and he took in the sight of Remus in the nude, his erection lying heavily against his stomach.

Sirius licked his lips and looked up at Remus.

“I want to put my mouth on you.”

Remus almost came on the spot.

“You’re sure?” Remus asked, but Sirius was already nodding enthusiastically.

“Tell me if I do it wrong?” Sirius asked with heart-squeezing sincerity that Remus had to squash a smile.

“Just avoid using your teeth and let me know if you need to stop,” Remus said softly but cut off as Sirius lay between his legs and licked the underside of Remus’s cock from root to tip, moaning in satisfaction.

“Jesus Christ, you taste like heaven,” Sirius groaned and swirled his tongue around the tip of Remus’s cock indulgently.

“Fuck,” Remus breathed tentatively running his hands through Sirius’s hair as he lowered his mouth over Remus, then lifting back off before repeating the process and taking a little more.

When Remus felt himself hit the back of Sirius’s throat and felt him gag slightly he sat up and took Sirius by the cheek as he lifted off Remus’s cock with a sharp inhale. But the look on Sirius’s face wasn’t panicked or overwhelmed, it was entirely and happily debauched and he slobbered over Remus’s tip, pumping his hand in a twisting motion with the lubrication of his saliva as he caught his breath.

Remus realised that Sirius must be hard again because as he pumped his hand over him, he could see Sirius grinding into the bed sheets for friction. He groaned at the sight, feeling himself approaching the peak of his pleasure. As Sirius lowered his mouth over Remus again, he continued to rut into the bed sheets and Remus tried to resist the urge to thrust up into the warm, wetness of Sirius’s mouth.

He sat up again and tapped Sirius sharply on the shoulder and Sirius met his eyes as he pulled off, brows raised in question.

‘Come here,” Remus growled and pulled Sirius so that he sat straddled on Remus’s lap, their hard cocks between them.

Remus reached for the lube again and coated his hands taking both of their lengths in his hands and pumping frantically as he met Sirius’s mouth in a sloppy kiss. They both thrusted into Remus’s palm and Remus came first this time collapsing his face into Sirius’s shoulder. Sirius followed quickly and gasped as he came for the second time that evening.

They collapsed together back onto the bed, still throbbing in the aftermath of their release.

Remus brought his clean hand around to cradle Sirius’s exhausted form onto his chest.

“Well, my suspicions were correct,” Sirius mumbled sleepily into Remus’s chest after a minute or so, his words muffled by the hair covering his face.

“Hmm?” Remus asked in a hum.

“Turns out the big dick energy isn’t just a metaphor,” Sirius looked up to smirk into Remus’s amused expression.

“Well it turns out, that neither was the big dog analogy,” Remus smirked down at Sirius who blushed beautifully and wheezed a laugh into the hollow of Remus’s neck.

Notes:

Un-popular opinion in my English group but I adored Wuthering Heights.

Chapter 28: I Love You, 'Aint That the Worst Thing You Ever Heard?

Summary:

You mean vulnerability is a prerequisite for intimacy? Seems like a scam to me

TW for Angst - but like light angst that won't last too long coz these boys have been through enough.

Sirius:

-

The next few days took on a loose sort of routine.

Sirius would wake up in Remus’s bed in the morning, either draped over his chest or otherwise being spooned with Remus’s nose buried in his hair and his chest pressed to his back.

On Monday and Tuesday Sirius wiggled out of Remus’s grasp before he woke, crept out of the room to have a quick rinse, and got dressed for work before bringing up some coffee and some breakfast so Remus could take some meds. He placed the tray on Remus’s bedside and then snuck back into the sleeping man's arms for one last cuddle before he kissed Remus on the temple and left to make the short journey to open the shop and start his day.

On Wednesday, Remus was finally feeling well enough to brave the morning walk to the complex with Sirius to have a crappy coffee and a pastry before the shop opened.

For lunch on Monday to Thursday, Sirius would skip back to Remus’s, having shut the shop for the occasion. On Monday he brought something back with him from a café at the complex and the rest of the week he arrived at Remus’s house to find him preparing their meal himself.

Remus, it turned out, loved to cook and could make vegetables easily the best part of a meal with just a bit of butter and a well-placed dash of paprika or pepper.

In the afternoon, Sirius and Marlene prepped for orders and worked towards events they wanted to advertise and sell at. They were currently putting together ideas for a display they were holding at a local home and garden show due to open in 2 weeks.

After Sirius finished at the shop, he’d head back to Remus’s and use the key under the mat to let himself in to wait for Remus to get back from physio or hydra-therapy. Their evenings were spent happily canoodling on the couch while they pretended to watch soap operas until one of them finally broke and initiated some fooling around.

On Thursday, however, Sirius arrived back at Remus’s after work to find the tall man contorted into an uncomfortable-looking position on the couch around the book that he’d fallen asleep reading.
Sirius stood over the couch looking down at the beautiful, russet-toned man below him on the cushions.

He’d been doing better in the last day or so, the pain was back in its regular ballpark, and he had even been keen to go in for a leisure swim after they’d got breakfast in the complex that morning. The fatigue seemed to be the big enemy now, and it certainly seemed to have caught up to Remus this evening.

Sirius crouched down to swoop some unruly curls from Remus’s forehead and caught a glimpse at the open book Remus was curled around as well as a few lines on the page.

…nails drive home an anchor
…Apply pressure to the gaping wound…

The words were not printed, but written, and Sirius realised that he was looking at a few lines of something Remus had written in one of his journals.

His curiosity getting the better of him, Sirius craned his head to try to see more. He was only able to make out a few lines on the page opposite to the one he’d just read;

…the walls of the house shriek …

He’d just finished reading that snippet when Remus stirred. Sirius resisted the urge to stand in a hurry lest it look like he was caught snooping (which, of course, he definitely was), and instead, leaned forward on his haunches to kiss Remus between his furrowed brow as he emerged from the land of nod.

“Hey,” Remus croaked, the husky sound causing the floodgates of affection to break in Sirius as he stroked Remus’s hair.

“Hey,” Sirius responded, unable to remove the dopey smile that he could feel on his face while he watched Remus wake from his cozy nest on the couch, “swimming took it out of you a bit?”

“Mmm,” Remus nodded, blinking at the windows like he was trying to gauge the hour, “What time is it?” he asked blinking at Sirius.

“Just gone 6,” Sirius responded, standing and putting his hand out to help Remus off the couch.

The journal tumbled to the floor forgotten as Remus gripped Sirius’s forearm and leveraged himself up. As Remus walked through to the kitchen to put the kettle on, Sirius picked up the now-closed journal and looked at the cover.

“You were writing?” Sirius asked, following Remus to the kitchen and placing the journal on the kitchen table. He had asked casually enough but Remus stiffened slightly regardless and then turned as if he expected to see Sirius with his nose buried in the words he’d written. When he saw that Sirius had put the closed book down on the wooden surface he seemed to relax.

“Ah, yeah a little,” he shrugged with a non-committal attitude that was highly un-Remus-like.

Sirius nodded, wondering if he was approaching touchy ground with his next question.

“Could I read some of it?”

The stiffness had re-entered Remus’s shoulders again.

Sirius approached cautiously and reached his hands out to place them on the back of Remus’s shoulders. He breathed in relief when Remus didn’t flinch or shirk off his touch.

“It’s okay if you don’t want me to,” Sirius said softly, “I just never realised how big a part of your life it was until I came to stay and saw the journals everywhere.”

It was true. The little leather books were littered all around Remus’s house in every place he spent a significant amount of time. They were on his nightstand and stacked on his desk in his work-from-home setup. They were with the newspapers and advanced copies of the Jargon on the kitchen table and shoved down the side of his armchair in the sitting room. Sirius found the journals lying around like some people left coins or hair ties, and there was a whole shelf of them in the living space as well, separate from Remus’s considerable book collection – presumably full, But Sirius had never looked. In fact, he’d never read any of what Remus had written outside of the column he published for the Jargon.

Remus leaned back into Sirius’s touch on his shoulders, and Sirius slipped his arms around his waist and leaned into his back.

“How was the day,” Remus asked, changing the subject.

Sirius tried not to feel dismissed by the sharp shift in topic.

“It was,” Sirius shrugged into Remus’s back, “We’re prepping for the Town Garden Show,” he continued as Remus turned to Sirius in his arms and placed his arms around his neck, looking at him while he spoke, “We’re going to bring some display pieces to demonstrate the bespoke service, but they want us to have little arrangements to sell too,” he finished with an air of distaste.
“Is that a problem?” Remus asked with an amused smirk.

“They want me to make the silly frilly shit you can get at the gas station or the grocery store,” Sirius sneered.

“The stuff you explicitly chose not to do in your shop, you mean?” Remus asked, running his hands down Sirius’s arms and taking his elbows, squeezing as he smirked.

“Exactly,” Sirius grumbled, “Marlene thinks we should just do it – make the novelty shit for the show to bring in more clients,”

“Do you need more clients?” Remus asked astutely.

“Not at the moment,” Sirius responded honestly, “but you know how it is, you run a business and all you can think of is what will happen after this job is finished. If people don’t want flowers, then I don’t make a living. It’s better to be overrun with orders than without any at all. Or that’s the theory anyway,” He finished with a grumble.

Remus chuckled and pulled Sirius to his chest for a cuddle.

“How terrible to be so successful and creative that no one can get enough of what you make,” he said with a teasing, wistful air into Sirius’s temple, but Sirius picked up the air of tension that Remus still carried after the almost-conversation about the journals.

“You know the only reason they can’t get enough,” Sirius started in a teasing voice, “Is because I let people see what I make,” Sirius took Remus by the hips and looked up from his chest into Remus’s brown gaze, “Are you worried it’s not worth reading? Because if it’s anything like the column then I’m sure it is, Remus – I’ve read the mag, you’re an amazing writer.”

Remus looked momentarily irritated before his face became neutral again. Something about the flat expression set off warning bells for Sirius.

“It’s private,” Remus responded in a flat voice, before wincing at Sirius’s anxious expression.

“Did you know what you want for dinner?” Remus changed the subject again before letting Sirius go and walking through toward the takeout menus on the fridge, “You’ve cooked dinner this whole week, I feel like you could do with a break, hmm?”

“I’m good with whatever you want,” Sirius said half-heartedly, looking at Remus’s back again and not liking that he was being presented with it for the second time during this conversation.

Sirius sat at the table, studying Remus’s body language. What Sirius could see of Remus’s face was closed off, putting Sirius in mind of the expression he’d adopted when he had confronted Albus and Greyback. He was gripping the takeout menu like a shield and had it covering the rest. His posture was stiff and defensive like he was expecting a blow. Sirius realised with a pang that Remus was bracing for a fight like something about Sirius was triggering a defense mechanism and Sirius didn’t know how to turn it off.

Remus continued to study the menus and turned resolutely away from Sirius. Sirius began to feel the prickly, slimy feeling of rejection slithering up his throat like bile.

He knew it was irrational. He knew that Remus not wanting Sirius to read his stuff had nothing to do with whether Remus wanted him. But there was something about the way that Remus was shutting him out now that put Sirius in mind of slammed doors and the shrill voice that played in his head telling him that he was too much and somehow still not enough.

“Remus,” Sirius started and fought to keep the desperate note from entering his tone.

“Mmm?” Remus responded reluctantly.

Sirius opened his mouth to ask what was wrong but then lost his nerve. What if Sirius was what was wrong?

“Shall I go and get us a pre-cooked chicken and some salad from the grocery?”

Remus met his eyes then, his posture relaxing a little out of the hunted-animal-backed-into-a-corner position and he smiled hesitantly.

“Sounds perfect,” he breathed.

Sirius smiled back but it was more of a wince.

He grabbed his bike keys and began to make his way to the door.

“Did you want a drink?” he asked as he shrugged on his leather jacket.

“I’m alright with tea, thanks,” Remus replied now unloading the dishwasher, looking toward Sirius but avoiding making eye contact again.

“I’ll be back soon,” Sirius threw over his shoulder as he left, feeling for certain that he’d somehow managed to spoil absolutely everything without even trying.

***

Remus

-

When Sirius came back with dinner it seemed at first like the whole thing was dropped.

He made a joke about finding the last rotisserie chicken left in Britain, and Remus laughed and Sirius glowed with affection.

They’d chatted companionably over dinner about some of Sirius’s flower orders and Remus even brought up James and Lily’s dinner party scheduled for that Friday. He commented that he’d like to go.
“It would be nice to put some names to faces,” Remus had finished taking a bite of the chicken Sirius had brought back.

Sirius looked pleased by this suggestion and replied that he was looking forward to Lily meeting her columnist idol before his expression flattened in panic at having brought them around to the writing topic again accidentally. Remus tried to shrug off the issue with a chuckle and a change of subject but eventually the silence grew and with it, a prickly kind of tension began to build between them that Remus didn’t know how to reverse now that it was there.

It wasn’t like Remus had meant to close off like that, but he’d panicked.

He’d seen the hurt in Sirius’s expression when Remus had closed him out when he’d offered him encouragement about his writing. And he’d read the anxiety in his expression when he’d innocently brought up an element of Remus’s job that might foreseeably take them back to the topic.

He didn’t even know why he’d frozen Sirius out really when all he’d wanted to do was reassure him that wasn’t about Sirius, it was about Remus.

It felt like something he cared too much about – like the stakes were too high.

He wanted Sirius to read his stuff – had even considered offering to show him once or twice - but he was also more scared about his reaction than he’d been about just about anything in his life. It was like once it was out, then there was no putting it back into the box. And if Sirius didn’t think it was worth it then somehow Remus knew he’d never feel the same about writing again. Not because Sirius was Shakespeare incarnate or because he needed Sirius to tell him it was of good quality, but because his writing encompassed everything about himself that he never said out loud. If Sirius couldn’t hear him in the words, then they were speaking fundamentally incompatible languages to begin with and Remus couldn’t bear the thought.

The worst thing was that Remus knew on some kind of unconscious level that Sirius would resonate with it. That there was something shared between them. Something that Remus saw in Sirius’s flowers that he knew Sirius would see in his writing. But the second he let Sirius see it, there was the chance that Remus had been wrong. That there was nothing between them other than physical attraction and friendship. They had certainly spoken about this heading somewhere, but he worried that if Sirius didn’t get the Remus on the page, they wouldn’t stand a chance.

It was rather dramatic, but Remus equated letting Sirius read his journals with telling him that he loved him and letting it hang out there without a guarantee that Sirius returned the feeling.

He realised the implication there with shock.

He needed to think. He needed to be alone for a moment to fully process the weight of his feelings. He needed to fall apart in private so that he didn’t blow it more than he already had.

He stood up from the table abruptly and cleared their dishes, making some excuse about going for a shower before fleeing the room, and from the confused and anxious eyes of the man Remus had just realised he was in the process of falling in love with.

Notes:

Thank you for reading <3

Chapter 29: But I Can't Bring Myself to Swim when I am Drowning in this Silence

Summary:

In which Sirius self sabotages.
TW: my attempt at poetry and reflective prose, angst, memories of past emotional abuse and bullying, self-destructive tendencies. also plenty of sad, angry and borderline suicidal ideation about chronic illness.
It's just a rough one tbh, I'm sorry.

Sirius:

-

Sirius sat at Remus’s kitchen table with an expanding feeling of dread in his chest.

They had been having a perfectly nice dinner, and Sirius had even begun to relax into the conversation a little after Remus talked about coming to James and Lily’s the next evening. Surely if Remus was talking about spending more time with Sirius, then it couldn’t be as tense as Sirius had imagined.

Maybe Remus just really didn’t like having people read his stuff. Sirius could make peace with that. Everyone was entitled to boundaries after all.

But then Sirius had made the mistake of bringing up the Jargon and by proxy, the column and how much Lily would enjoy meeting the author, bringing them right back to the source of the perceived tension. Sirius didn’t know if the conversation died because he was internally freaking out or whether Remus had actually frozen him out, but either way, Remus had stormed out of the room the second their plates were cleared, making excuses that he needed a shower.

The dread added itself to Sirius’s overfilled emotional blender and he had to get up and do something otherwise he knew he’d pull the human equivalent of overheating the car radiator and start spewing smoke from his hood. Or he’d splatter the fruit emotions all over the proverbial kitchen when the blender inevitably started whirring before he’d put the lid on.

Fuck.

Now he was mixing his anxiety metaphors. There was no way this could go wrong.

Either way, it would be messy and embarrassing and it would send Remus running for the hills if he hadn’t already done that.

He got up abruptly to channel the anxiety into something that wasn’t sitting and working himself up, but in the transition from being seated to being vertical his elbow caught on the stack of books on the table and sent them clattering to the floor loudly.

In the recesses of Sirius’s mind, that shrill voice resurfaced. The emotional smoothie splatter was just as bad as Sirius had anticipated and he began to spiral.

He felt fucking clumsy and useless – with the mess in front of him evidencing that he was not better with people’s things in addition to their feelings. He just had to go and ruin everything he touched.

He wondered why on earth Remus would even put up with him. He’d have to be a real sucker for punishment to tolerate Sirius’s clinginess and general chaos. He knew it was just a matter of time before Remus got tired of Sirius’s emotional mess and lack of emotional maturity.

Because he was always disappointing people.

Never living up to what he was supposed to be.

Forever an accident of a human being making people’s lives actively worse by his presence.

Sirius crouched to the floor on his knees with a stifled sob and frantically tried to gather the books into a pile, hoping Remus hadn’t heard the ruckus. His grabbing paused when he realised that he’d also sent the journal tumbling to the floor, causing it to land open on the kitchen tiles.

He looked at the little leather book lying open, pages down on the ceramic tiles. The pressure of the cover on the splayed pages was causing the paper to fold and wrinkle.

There was no way that Remus wasn’t going to think that Sirius hadn’t already had a snoop.

But he still wasn’t going to look. It wouldn’t be right.

But then Sirius already felt like he’d fucked everything up just by trying as hard as he could.

He moved to close the journal and stack it with the other books when one of the lines he had read earlier floated into his memory;

…Apply pressure to the gaping wound…

The line stood out in his memory. How often had Sirius felt like an open wound, gushing blood and chaos? How often had he been desperate for anyone to staunch the bleeding? James had been the first to try, bless him, but all the work James and Sirius and Sirius’s therapists had done to make him feel like less of a car crash seemed moot at that point.

In his current state, it felt like he’d popped the stitches and now he was spilling his guts out. Or splattering his smoothie. Or gushing smoke out of the hood of his car. The metaphors were multiple and each accurate in their own way, and who the fuck cared about the importance of keeping the extended metaphor consistent when it was your fucking anxiety attack in the first place. For the first time in a long time, Sirius felt reckless.

His curiosity combined with his conviction that Remus was probably only a heartbeat from telling him to get lost anyway saw his fingers ghosting towards the journal, not to close it, but to pull it closer, flip it over, and read the words penned onto the lined paper.

The journal had not opened onto the pages Remus had written on that afternoon, but it had landed on a bit of prose written a little bit before. Before Sirius knew what he was doing, he was leaning over to read the words:

Does it feel good to stare?
Will you pay your fair at the freakshow now?
Do you feel better than me?
Do you feel accomplishment at the straight lines of your bones in comparison to mine?
How empowering to snigger when I trip behind you on the stairs. It must vindicate you to know I deserve the support I receive from the banister, my cane, the government.
To know you don’t have to pay or apply for people to care about you because you are not a job but a person.
Does it make you feel better to know I’ll die long before you – one less cripple to clog up the ER and take the good seats in the bus.
Would it make you feel better to know the guilt I feel as you wait for me to hobble past, as I file for my benefit, as I push away the people who love me by just being in neutral.
Is it enough?
That my existence is pain. That my house is empty. That I pay for my right to be here with your stares and speculation and a standard I can never meet but always must strive for in case it makes me just another person who doesn’t try hard enough.
Have I earned my coins, my cheque, my parking spot, my work-from-home office space.
Have I earned my right to be here as I am?

Sirius finished reading and felt like he’d been punched.

He thought of Remus, kind, formidable, intelligent, sexy, beautiful Remus. Who also had a chronic illness. But it was just one part of him. A big part, certainly, but still only one thing that contributed to what made Remus who he was.

But Sirius also knew that this was what he must experience – being typecast or boxed in, forced to adhere to an archetype and a category on a form to be allowed to exist.

He could never complain at the stares and judgment, because he was one of the “lucky ones” who had the state to fall back on, lucky to be tolerated, to be allowed. It was only natural for people to be intrigued by what they didn’t know – but Remus was still a person and it had to be hard not to be able to be anonymous, to never be able to go about life without the knowledge that people were judging you, assessing you, wishing you were less inconvenient.

While Sirius had never been ill in the way Remus was, he could identify with feeling like he had to earn his place in the world, like he had to justify his place in people’s lives and prevent them from thinking of the ways their lives would be better without him.

But Remus… Remus was nothing like Sirius – he wasn’t clumsy and overwhelming – he was funny and sweet and thoughtful. It made Sirius sad and angry that Remus could feel inconvenient or invisible in his pain or otherwise on display like he was an exhibit in a freakshow.

It was dehumanizing and Sirius’s heart broke for him.

Sirius took a breath and flipped to the end of the written pages, looking for the poem Remus had written that afternoon. He found the last pages Remus had written on and began to read:

Touch me
Hold me

Sirius blinked in surprise but kept reading.

The hinges are weak
Putty loses its grip
Glue flakes away and the sides peel away

The parts of me I love pull away without anything to stick it together

My doors swing creaking
The walls of the house shriek
Like I have every time I reach for someone who is already pulling away

Sirius stifled his sob at the line with his hand pressed to his mouth.

Pulling
Yanking
Stretching
The seams rip and gape
The insides rattle and slide
The contents spill out onto the floor without a hand to press them in

The structure disintegrates with every receding anchor
Life tears me apart without anyone there to tighten the hinges and patch the cracks
Or place me out of the rain to protect the glue

Hold me steady
Compress me tighter
Collide into me with such force that my bones break perfectly back together

Your pressure on my chest gives the glue a chance to bind
The hand on my cheek secures the surface while the nails drive home an anchor
Apply pressure to the gaping wound with your body against mine
Bring me back to myself

Touch me
Hold me

Sirius swallowed heavily, staring at the lines that Remus had written feeling split wide open.

Sirius stared for so long at the words that he didn’t hear Remus come down the stairs.

He swept into the room and snatched the journal out of Sirius’s hands where he was still kneeling on the tiles.

Sirius flinched in shock before he felt blind panic take over.

“Remus, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“Did the journal just open and start reading my words to you against your will?”

“No,” Sirius just answered, panic bleeding into his voice.

“Did some mythical creature materialise and hold you hostage while it forced your eyes onto the page to read?” Remus asked, voice low and dripping with angry sarcasm.

“Fuck, no Remus, I can explain,” Sirius wailed desperately.

“Save it,” Remus snapped and made to move back up the stairs.

Sirius got to his feet and followed.

“Remus,” Sirius called after him, “Moony I’m sorry,”

Remus paused by his bedroom door at the use of Sirius’s name for him.

“I don’t have an excuse, Remus, it wasn’t right for me to read it when you said not to-”

“I didn’t though,” Remus interrupted him looking back at Sirius, the ire deflating out of him.

“You said it was private,” Sirius said, feeling the panic ebb slightly at Remus’s tone change, “I still shouldn’t have looked without your permission, I’m sorry.”

Remus looked at Sirius and seemed to soften for a moment. Then his brows creased and his features hardened ever so slightly and Sirius thought he might cry. He looked down at the carpet.

“I think you should go back to James’s tonight”

Sirius snapped his head back up to look at Remus. He felt his heart stutter as the panic faded, replaced with emptiness.

“Okay... If that’s what you want,”

Remus looked up at Sirius’s face and softened again, but it was more like he deflated. He looked like he was on the verge of changing his mind, but then he shut his eyes and swallowed.

“Look, we’ve been joined at the hip for almost 3 weeks now, I probably need a bit of space, alright?”

“Space,” Sirius repeated quietly, unable to believe how quickly they’d gone from sleepy smiles to watching a wall being erected between them while they stood less than 2 meters apart.

“I understand,” Sirius said, even though he didn’t want to, “Will I still see you at the dinner tomorrow night?”

Remus took a breath.

“I don’t know, Sirius,” Remus said sounding like he was carrying the world again, “If I’m not too tired…” Remus brought his hand up to the back of his neck in characteristic sheepishness, but this time it didn’t feel flirty or sweet, it felt awkward.

Sirius took in the shadows under Remus’s eyes and his tired posture. He was still sick, and Sirius didn’t want to leave him to deal with it alone. Sure, he wasn’t fevered or in agony any longer, but he looked so bereft, stood at his bedroom door that Sirius almost argued.

“Yeah of course,” Sirius said instead.

It occurred to him (not for the first time) that his presence there might be more about making himself feel better than it was for Remus’s benefit. Sure Remus might enjoy Sirius being around, but, as Sirius had proven just a moment ago, he was constantly crossing boundaries and inserting himself into Remus’s space. It was really only a matter of time before Remus got tired of it. Maybe what he really needed was quiet to get better, and Sirius had been accused of a lot in his life but never being too quiet.

He began to turn to the spare room where he was still (inexplicably) storing his things while he stayed, “I’ll grab my stuff and give you some room,” he said quietly, ducking into the doorway before Remus could see the guilty, pained expression he knew was written on his features.

When Sirius emerged from the spare Remus had gone from the landing and his door was closed.

Sirius left without saying goodbye.

Notes:

Not sure if you picked up my personal angst with my creative writing tutor and his aversion to mixed metaphors but this is my fic and if I want to illustrate anxiety with colliding metaphors then I will thank you very much.

It starts to get better from here, promise <3

Chapter 30: This Time I’m Not Leaving Without You

Summary:

The second mandatory Sit-down-and-talk dinner.
Also the end of the Angst (woo)
It's also a monster chapter, so enjoy haha.

Remus

-

It was Friday night and Remus stood on the sidewalk waiting for his Uber.

He didn’t really know why he was going to James and Lily’s.

The rest of the evening after Sirius left and the next morning had been awful. Remus had woken up with that hollow feeling lingering under this sternum – the one which never seemed to abate until Sirius was in his sights, or better yet, in his arms.

He’d opened his eyes and immediately looked for the black hair to inhale or the ice-blue eyes to stare into to find his bed empty. The house was quiet and cold.

He’d spent the whole day trying to distract himself from what had happened the night before. He read and watched trashy TV. He went for another swim and got told off by his mobility specialist who was at the pool for someone else’s appointment and was horrified to find Remus coming out of a flare and pushing it in the gym when he should still be resting. He went home and looked for something to clean and did everything possible to avoid caving to temptation and walking down to the complex to find Sirius at the shop.

He didn’t think that they’d broken up, but he knew that he hadn’t handled the situation well.

He had told Sirius to leave after he’d explicitly made him welcome, and while he felt like he was entitled to be upset that Sirius had read the journal without his knowledge, he knew he should have enforced that boundary with more grace.

He winced when he remembered the shattered expression on Sirius’s face when he’d told him to go back to James’s before he’d quickly schooled his expression and accepted Remus’s wishes. The look had shot right through Remus and he’d felt the rejection like it was his own. And for what? A few poems and prose pieces.

He’d been dying to text Sirius all night, tell him that he was sorry for freezing him out and telling him to leave, but then his Dinner Revelation would come back to him in waves and Remus would be caught in a current of anxiety that he’d fucked his chance, regret over the way he handled it, and painful longing and love.

Love.

Remus had never been in love before and it was terrifying.

It was like he wanted to inhabit Sirius’s skin and fight the world for him all at once. It had settled in his chest, thumping around the hollow place that was there when Sirius wasn’t, and holding him under a pleasant, dopey weighted blanket when he was. Sirius with his witty banter and filthy jokes and his silken hair and soft skin. With his observation and compassion. His drive and his effervescence for life.
He was addictive. And Remus was quickly understanding that his life would never be the same now that it had a Sirius-sized hole in it. Oh, he’d work around it if he had to. He could try to draw a curtain around it so he couldn’t see it. But it would always let in the freezing breeze in the absence of Sirius’s furnace. And Remus knew it was already too late – his avoidance may be telling him to run before he got hurt before Sirius left on his own, but Remus knew that the damage was done, it would hurt either way.

He knew he had to stop avoiding Sirius and pushing him away. Sirius was too used to feeling in the way and like he was too much for everyone he loved. Remus had to meet him where he was otherwise Sirius might run because he thought that Remus wanted that. And he really really didn’t.

The uber arrived.

Remus greeted the driver and got into the back seat.

So, if he was honest with himself then he knew exactly why he was going.

He’d done the comfortable thing last night (which, if he was honest was not very comfortable as much as it was what he was used to) and shut himself away again, panicked as he was about his feelings. But now he was going to do the brave thing. He was going to show up for Sirius as he’d done for Remus.

The Uber completed the short trip to James and Lily’s address. He’d got it from James himself, having earned himself the privilege of James’s number after the Jargon fiasco.

That was another reason he was going.

James, Sirius, and Regulus had stuck their necks out for Remus. They’d stood up for him and made tangible changes to their lives and careers to help Remus, and he felt it would be pretty poor showing if he couldn’t even attend a sodding dinner party he’d been invited to. James had bought a fucking magazine to make sure that Remus and his co-workers could be out from under Albus’s thumb after all. And Regulus had resigned from his job to help Sirius go to bat for Remus. Fuck, even Peter – who Remus hadn’t even met yet – had cooked him a delicious meal when he couldn’t even get out of bed to cook for himself. He owed them all more than he could even put into words.

Remus thanked the Uber driver and got out of the sedan, walking up to the door and knocking.

He stood back and waited, shuffling his feet nervously, not sure if he was hoping Sirius would answer the door or dreading the possibility.

Instead, the door was answered by a small, pretty woman with vividly red hair. She blinked up at Remus and then smiled, causing the freckled skin around her green eyes to crinkle and her lips to quirk upwards cheekily.

“Remus?” the woman asked with a raised brow.

“In the flesh,” Remus answered, “I take it you’re Lilly?”

“You mean to say that Sirius talks about us as much as he’s talked about you?” Lily fake gasped and then opened to door fully to allow Remus in, “I’ll have to stop being so mean to him,” she teased.
Remus shuffled on the doorstep, pretending to wipe his feet but really allowing himself to school his expression into neutrality at the news that Sirius talked about him to his friends.

She caught his cautious expression and hers softened.

“Come on, we don’t bite,” she teased softly, and took Remus’s hand, pulling him into the house and the entry.

“Er, is he here?” Remus asked nervously.

“He’s somewhere around here, probably with James – did you know that I only have partial custody of my husband? James and his first love are probably causing trouble somewhere around here. Peter arrived not too long ago so they’re probably in the den getting ready to make a racket.”

Remus handed Lily the bottle of wine he’d brought and she led him up to the kitchen to put it into the fridge.

When Remus entered after her he saw another woman floating around, doing something with lettuce and a chopping board over by the counter.

“Mary, this is Remus, Remus this is Mary,” Lily introduced them as she put the bottle in the fridge.

She turned to look at them with cautious interest. Remus wondered just how much Lily knew, and just how much she’d told Mary.

Mary was also small, but taller than Lily by a little bit. She was beautiful. She had caramel-coloured skin that glowed like pearls, with soft brown curls to her collarbone, which framed her face with delicate tendrils. Her hazel eyes widened and blinked when she took Remus in, but he didn’t pick up anything hostile in the expression, just curiosity and maybe a few nerves.

She stuck her hand out towards Remus and he took her soft hand and shook gently. The nerves softened to warmth as she scanned his face and appeared to decide she liked what she saw there.

Lily was still talking anxiously like she was nervous that one of them would start yelling at the other. She was talking about the plans for the meal, and Remus realised that she was asking about his allergies. He broke Mary’s gaze and turned to Lily.

“Oh, er, no – no allergies, but I might stay away from the alcohol tonight,” Remus responded finally with a smile.

“Oh well, I’ll be in good company then,” Lily laughed, attempting to bring down glasses from a high cupboard by reaching up onto her toes.

“Yes, I understand congratulations are in order,” Remus responded, stepping forward and bringing the glasses down without much effort at all.

She thanked him and Mary laughed that she’d have an extra glass for the both of them.

“To celebrate, you know?” She finished with a twinkle.

Remus decided he liked them both.

The front doorbell rang and Lily ran off again, leaving Remus and Mary in the kitchen alone.

***

Mary

-

Mary wasn’t an idiot.

She had known from the second she saw Sirius earlier that evening that some things had changed since their last conversation.

He’d been warm as always but reserved in a way she hadn’t expected. And the longer they had chatted, the more she came to realise that it wasn’t her presence bringing out this uncertainty in Sirius – something else was happening.

James and Lily had been particularly circumspect about what Sirius had been up to for the last 2 weeks. She had found out that Sirius, James, and Regulus were working on some legal tour de force for a friend Sirius had met on a Florist job, and in the last week she’d found out from Lily that Sirius was helping to look after a friend while they were ill.

James, as always, was the easiest to read. He spoke about Sirius without meeting Mary’s eye and was suspiciously vague about details. She’d assumed Sirius was going on a few dates or something to that effect. It had twinged a bit, as painful as she expected, but then things were moving on in Mary’s life too so she couldn’t fault Sirius for seeing other people when she was too.

But then Mary and Sirius had caught up when she arrived and he didn’t seem like he was bubbling with his usual excitement or mischief. He seemed anxious and he kept checking his phone like he was expecting someone to update him on something.

So, she’d finally asked him what on earth was going on.

“I’m seeing someone,” he muttered before looking up at her apologetically.

“It’s new,” he hastened to add, “But I think it might end up going somewhere really great,”

“I sense a ‘but’ coming,” Mary had said dryly taking a sip of wine.

“Well, we had a fight last night – kind of – it was more like I crossed a boundary and he got upset and I haven’t spoken to him since then,”

Mary nodded, waiting for him to go on.

“He was talking about coming tonight, but he hasn’t said anything since I left him last night,”

Sirius had stopped then and turned to Mary apologetically.

“I’m sorry Mary, you probably don’t want to hear this,”

Mary had sat with that for a second and then responded as honestly as she could.

“It’s alright Sirius,” she started, “we were best friends for 3 years,” she swallowed the lump of emotion in her throat, “I want to know what’s going on with you. And I won’t pretend it’s not tender to hear that you’re moving on, but I’m trying to move on too and I never want to not be friends with you.”

Sirius looked at her like he might cry.

He’d taken her hand then and kissed her knuckles and then changed the subject, asking her about work and her mother.

But now she was confronted with (presumably) the person that Sirius had been seeing – if Lily’s anxious looks and his curious gaze were anything to go by – and she had to admit that she saw the appeal.

Lily, the little traitor, left to get the door, leaving Mary and Remus on their own.

“So, I understand you edit the Jargon?” She asked, heading for polite territory.

“That’s right,” Remus responded, looking down at her cautiously.

“Do you know the chronic illness columnist?” she continued, “I read that section religiously.”

Remus blushed and started to talk about the column. The flush turned his freckles into a pleasant shade of peach. He was really very nice to look at, all hard lines of jaw and shoulder and height softened and warmed by his auburn curls, freckles, rust-coloured button-down, and Sienna chinos. He looked like an autumn leaf.

He talked animatedly, if a little shyly, and Mary smiled in response, warming to him.

When he mentioned that he wrote the column she stopped staring at him and zoned back into the conversation, blinking in surprise.

“I’m sure that you’ve heard by now that James and Sirius helped me out in a workplace harassment issue that I had last week,” he mentioned sheepishly.

She nodded curiously.

“Well it was because of the column,” he continued, “the mag was experiencing pressure from the hospital to out the columnist’s identity to ‘check the validity of their claims’,” he said with finger quotes.

They discussed the details of the ordeal for a while longer, Mary expressing her outrage that Remus’s boss had held him to ransom.

“That must have been so upsetting to be held hostage like that for something that you can’t control just because it doesn’t fit the NHS narrative! I’m so glad that the boys could take them to task on your behalf- people can’t be allowed to get away with that kind of bullshit!”

“I know,” Remus responded, “Sirius went to war for me, and so did Reg and James – I don’t really know what I did to deserve it, honestly.”

Remus’s face softened when he mentioned Sirius. He had a faraway kind of expression on his face that vacillated between affection, and then worry and apprehension.

Mary found herself touching Remus’s shoulder in reassurance.

“He’s here, you know,” she said softly.

His eyes snapped to Mary’s and seemed to scan her face before he deflated.

“I’m not even sure he wants to see me,” he said resignedly.

“He definitely wants to see you,” She responded with a small smirk.

Remus’s warm gaze returned to Mary’s questioningly, his expression lighting with something like hope.

“We talked earlier,” she explained, “and I don’t know what happened,” she hastened at the expression of mild panic that flittered over his face, “but he was desperate for you to come tonight, so it can’t be as bad as you both seem to think if the two of you are still so keen to see each other.”

He breathed out in a gust, then his eyes flittered to the door as Marlene and Lily entered the kitchen.

“I can show you to the den if you’d like?” She asked softly while Lily was gesticulating to Marlene, telling her a story as they approached the counter space occupied by Mary and Remus.

“Please?” Remus asked, a kind of hopeful desperation colouring his expression.

“Follow me,” Mary smirked good-naturedly, taking Remus by the hand and leading him out of the kitchen, passing Marlene and Lily and waving hello, promising to be back soon.

***

Remus

-

At the door to the den, Mary knocked and stuck her head in with Remus lingering behind her, peering in above her head. He clocked Sirius immediately, sitting on a sofa in the corner of the den.

He watched the facial journey Sirius made when he noticed Mary sticking her head into the room – initial affection mixed with some residual nostalgia – to noticing Remus standing behind her – going through a rapid succession of emotions, of which Remus managed to pick out chiefly relief, happiness, followed by confusion as his gaze darted down to Mary and up again, to anxiety and panic.

Mary finished whatever banter with James Remus had managed to miss on their entry while his eyes were glued to Sirius and she stepped out of his way, widening the door to let him in and then turning to leave, closing the door behind her.

Now Remus was alone with Sirius, James, and a smallish but stocky blond man who he deduced to be Peter.

“Lads,” Remus nodded, sticking his hands in his pockets while awkwardly making eye contact with Peter who smiled obliviously in greeting, to James who smiled warmly if with a little concern – Sirius must have told him some of what had happened – and finally to Sirius who had the most heart-breaking combination of hope and anxiety warring in his features.

Remus’s gaze rested on Sirius, drinking in signs of strain- the circles under his eyes and his hair, slightly lank and pulled back into French braid – as well as his ripped black jeans stuffed into glossy black docs and long-sleeved grey Henley shirt rolled up to his elbows, showing the vibrant colours of the floral scenes on his forearms.

Sirius was taking in his appearance too.

“Moony,” Sirius breathed quietly like it was just them in the room. Like a question. He quirked his lips and the hollow spot in Remus’s chest began to fill as he returned the shy smile.

“We were just about to have a jam sesh, Remus,” James’s voice interrupted the silent conversation he was having with Sirius. Sirius and Pete both groaned.

“Jesus, James you sound like a 40-year-old man trying to kick it with the kids,” Pete spoke into the palm he had pressed into his face in secondhand embarrassment.

“Ah, should I go?” Remus asked, amused, backing toward the door.

“No!” all three said in unison with varying degrees of urgency.

They all erupted into laughter and Remus couldn’t help but join them, meeting Sirius’s gaze again and loving the way his cheeks coloured in response.

Sirius stood and swung his guitar (Jesus Christ, Sirius played guitar – Remus almost swooned right there in the den) onto his back and sauntered over to Remus to pull him by the hand toward the three-seater sofa he was occupying, indicating Remus to sit and then sitting on the other end of the sofa turned slightly to face Remus where he sat.

“What’ll it be today, Marauders?” James asked

“Some Gaga?” Sirius asked with a twinkle, still looking at Remus like he could keep him there as long as he could keep him in his line of sight.

“Ooh, what did you have in mind?” Pete said playing a suspenseful lilt on his keyboard with a smirk that said he knew exactly where this was going.

James played a drum-roll while Sirius stood and hung up his acoustic in favour of a mat-black electric that was hanging in a corner. As Sirius slung the guitar over his shoulder with a flourish, he held his hands up for silence. The drums and the keyboard ceased.

“Lads, it’s time for You and I,”

James and Pete whooped as Sirius sat and leaned toward the guitar and twirled the silver knobs at the head to check it was in tune for a few seconds.

Once he was satisfied, he looked up and met Remus’s eyes with that cheeky smirk before turning to the other lads and indicating he was ready to go.

Pete began with the bluesy Piano intro and James punctuated it by thumping the bass drum on every second beat.

Then Sirius began to sing the first verse:

It's been a long time since I came around
Been a long time but I'm back in town
This time I'm not leaving without you

On the last line, Sirius looked up from where he was keeping time on his guitar with his hand and glanced at Remus for a second before looking away with a blush. He seemed to gather his courage and looked Remus fully in the eyes as he sang the next part of the verse:

You taste like whiskey when you kiss me, oh
I'll give anything again to be your baby doll
This time I'm not leaving without you

Sirius’s blue eyes lingered on Remus’s lips, which Remus realized he had parted where he sat resting his elbow on his knee as he watched Sirius. Remus pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and bit down as he leaned back in his seat.

Sirius smirked and continued to sing glancing down at his strings as he joined the keyboard and the drums to strum.

He said, "Sit back down where you belong
In the corner of my bar with your high heels on"
Sit back down on the couch where we
Made love for first time and you said to me there’s-

James joined with the vocals, harmonising with Sirius as they went into the chorus

Something, something about this place

Remus realised that James, Sirius, and Pete must have been playing together for quite some time – they were good, and they seemed to know exactly where they were going with the melody at any given moment. He registered all of this, but he still only had eyes for Sirius as he played.

Something 'bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy

At the final line of the chorus, Sirius looked at Remus again,

Yeah, something about, baby, you and I

They went into the verse then, and Sirius’s expression softened when he sang the line:

Muscle cars drove a truck right through my heart

Then his smirk returned with force as he sang: With a guitar humming and no clothes , and Remus felt himself blushing to the roots of his hair

This time I'm not leaving without you, oh, oh, oh, oh

Sirius was magnificent. He sang with his head thrown back, and the tendons in his neck stood out while he belted the higher notes. His eyes were shut as he continued to play the brief guitar solo and he leaned forward as his fingers shifted over the fretboard and he played the notes to the melody.

When the guitar solo finished he opened his eyes as they sang the final verse, eyes finding Remus’s for the second half of the verse smiling with such affection and softness that Remus thought he might actually die.

He finished the last chorus and the drums and guitar faded until it was just the keyboard. Sirius turned to look at Remus fully and sang the last lines to Remus as he shifted closer to where he sat on the couch:

It's been a long time since I came around
Been a long time but I'm back in town
This time I'm not leaving without you

He leaned forward and swung the guitar back over his shoulder and lunged for Remus at the same time as Remus reached for him.

Before he knew it, Sirius was holding his face, Remus was pulling him closer by the waist, and they were kissing.

“I’m so sorry,” Sirius murmured between kisses

“Me too,” Remus responded holding Sirius tighter

They carried on in that embrace until Remus heard the awkward shuffling of James getting up from his drum kit and hurrying with Pete to the door, mumbling something about letting Sirius and Remus know when dinner was ready.

***

Sirius

-

Sirius inhaled at the hollow of Remus’s neck, moaning at the scent of clove and chai that he’d missed when he woke up alone and out of Remus’s bed that morning.

“I’m really so sorry, Remus,” repeated into the skin and then pulled away to look into that chocolate gaze and stroked his cheek.

“I forgive you,” Remus murmured, his gaze firm and soft at the same time, “Can you forgive me?”

“For what?” Sirius asked, his brow furrowing in confusion.

“I shouldn’t have left it like that,” Remus said pulling Sirius closer so that he was cuddled into his chest, “I freaked out and shut you out and it wasn’t fair.”

“It’s okay,” Sirius said, burying his face into Remus’s chest and fighting back tears of relief. They sat like that for a little while, with Remus cradling Sirius to his chest.

Sirius leaned out of the embrace, looking at Remus’s chin, trying to figure out how to explain.

“When you didn’t want me to read your stuff,” Sirius started, deciding on honesty, “it felt a bit like a rejection.”

His gaze darted up to look at Remus to find him listening intently.

“It’s not logical, but I thought if you didn’t trust me enough to let me read it, then maybe I was pushing this too far. I thought that I was forcing myself into your life when you maybe weren’t ready for it yet - Maybe you weren’t ready for me,” Sirius looked down again uncertainly, “and then I wondered if the whole week I was just forcing my presence on you, and that maybe I was just too much-”

“No, Sirius, it wasn’t like that at all,” Remus interrupted, lifting Sirius’s chin to look at him.

“I was miserable last night and this morning,” Remus continued, “You being there this week was like-,” he broke off.

“It was everything, Baby.”

Sirius felt himself melt at the endearment. He leaned his forehead against Remus’s and swallowed hard.

"Moony," Sirius breathed, overwhelmed.

“I wanted you to read my stuff,” Remus continued huskily finding Sirius’s eyes with his, “I was just scared of letting anyone see me that way.”

“I want to be understood by you, I want you to see me. But if you read my stuff and didn’t get it, or thought badly of me for some reason - I wouldn’t be able to cope if I found out that we didn’t speak the same language,” he finished desperately, begging Sirius to understand with his grip on his chin and the force of his eyes.

Sirius cupped Remus’s cheeks and leaned in to kiss him again.

“Remus, they were amazing,” he said when he pulled away to look at Remus again shaking his head in disbelief.

“I only read 2 of the pieces,” he continued, “but God, Remus, it was like getting a window into you,” he kissed Remus on the forehead, “and your beautiful mind,” He kissed Remus’s left cheek, “and I’m so sorry you have to go through what you do,” he kissed the right cheek.

“You liked them then?” Remus asked hopefully, tone lifting with relief and happiness.

“I’d like to read more if you’d let me?” Sirius smiled, feeling the relief mingle with joy bubble in his chest.

Just then, there was a knock on the door, and a snarky voice on the other end asked if everyone was clothed.

“Regulus, go away,” Sirius barked at the door, smiling into Remus’s amused expression.

Regulus’s head poked into the room and took in the two of them: Sirius virtually on Remus’s lap, and Remus holding him close.

“Oh, thank god,” Regulus breathed as he stepped into the room. He looked at Remus.

“You have no idea how insufferable this one was last night,” he spoke, ignoring the barbs that Sirius was sending him from his place at Remus’s side, “texted me until 2 am with all the possibilities: you hating him, or never wanting to see you again…” Remus’s chest was shaking with his laughter and Sirius shot him a glare.

“At least now he’ll be too busy shagging you to keep me up at all hours of the night,” Sirius groaned and leaned forward, resting his forehead in the crook of Remus’s neck and succumbing to laughter as well. Remus held Sirius tighter as they both shook with mirth.

“Dinner’s ready by the way,” Regulus said.

Sirius looked up to see Regulus looking at his feet with his hands shoved into his pockets. Sirius could swear he saw a pleased smile under Regulus’s mop of dark hair.

Sirius got up from the couch and leveraged Remus to his feet. He kept holding his hand as he led Remus out of the room thrilling internally when he felt Remus’s other hand come to rest on the small of his back. They made their way to the dining room, led by Regulus who announced their arrival as he entered the room.

“Found them!” He announced with a very Sirius-esque flourish and the room burst into teasing applause.

Sirius’s eyes darted to Mary in concern but found her already smiling softly as the three of them entered. Her gaze lingered on Sirius and he met it raising his brow in question.

Her brow quirked in response and she smiled in understanding, her eyes flitting up to Remus behind Sirius.

He and Remus sat next to each other at the table and Remus leaned closer
.
“Have dinner with me tomorrow?” He asked in a whisper.

Sirius found Remus’s hand under the table, squeezed it, and nodded.

Chapter 31: You Belong Among the Wildflowers

Summary:

Remus and James embark on a bromance
A dinner date is kept
The steam resumes - read with care

Remus

-

Remus stayed the night at James and Lily’s and woke up the next morning wrapped around Sirius.

The rest of the dinner party had been very pleasant. The food had been great and the conversation had been entertaining.

Remus had spent some time talking to Lily about her job as a nurse – She’d qualified at the same time as Mary, and was working at the same hospital she’d done her placement, but she was considering a change – considering going into frail or hospice care. Remus personally thought she would be perfect for this. She had a kind of forthright gentleness that made people feel completely at ease with her.

She spent some time asking about how he was as well and resisted the urge to be too nursey about telling him off for stressing himself into a flare less than a month from his last one – which he was grateful for.

The evening had the added benefit of being able to watch Sirius in his natural habitat.

If he hadn’t already been falling in love with him, then watching Sirius interact with his family would have sent him head over heels.

Between the hilarious dynamic between Sirius, Peter, and James, to the adorable interactions between him and Marlene, to the way that he and Regulus still flitted around each other cautiously, but with growing boldness and affection and the clear shared happiness at a relationship in the process of being restored.

All of these observations Remus made in between the moments he shared with Sirius through the night.

The snapshots of knee squeezes under the table and eyes meeting across the room. flashes of talking to Lily and Mary to suddenly feeling the warm presence of Sirius arriving by his side to join the conversation, with his hand placed discretely into Remus’s back pocket while they bantered and laughed with the women. These images were now seared into Remus's memory, softened by a golden glow. He stored them away for a rainy day.

All of it culminated in the rest of the guests leaving and Sirius grabbing his hand as Remus turned to leave himself, asking shyly if Remus wanted to stay the night instead.

There had been no fooling around – Sirius was too worried about James and Lily hearing – so instead they’d just climbed into bed, pulled each other close, and fallen asleep sharing the blanket, their body heat, and the hallowed air between them.

Remus woke up to Sirius’s sleepy kisses and the smell of shea-butter that Sirius had conditioned his hair with before bed.

The previous evening, they had decided that while Remus was still recovering it would be best to have dinner in rather than out. It made Remus more comfortable and it had the benefit of having private, soft surfaces nearby – you know, for convenience’s sake.

Sirius had a gig to prep for that day so, at about 8 am, he reluctantly left their nest in the spare bed, gave Remus a lingering kiss goodbye, and headed to the shop for the day to do his job.

This allowed Remus to have a lie in and to decide what to cook for Sirius later on.

He knew he wanted to do something interesting with chocolate for dessert. Sometimes chocolate deserts were best left simple, without too much frill, but there was always the opportunity to do something rich and decadent and a little bit special.

This was technically a first date unless you counted the evening Sirius and he had spent eating a meaty feast in Wales the first day that they met. This was the first occasion where one of them had explicitly asked to spend time together purely for the pleasure of each other’s company, not because it was necessitated by some life-altering event or illness.

Remus wanted to do something special for Sirius – something to show his gratitude, and his affection – something deliberate. He eventually got out of bed and quietly made his way down to Lily and James’s kitchen for a glass of water to find James by the stove cooking something involving bacon if the smells wafting to the door were anything to go by.

He heard Remus approach and turned to greet him, looking only marginally surprised to see Remus there. Mostly he just looked amused.

“Morning, I don’t need to burn those sheets in there, do I?” He asked motioning to the French press on the kitchen table and indicating that Remus should help himself.

Remus blanched and shook his head frantically, falling over his words to try and reassure James or apologize or something before James stopped him, snorting with laughter.

“Mate, I was kidding – I know nothing happened – Sirius told me as much when he left this morning and besides, he’s too loud, I’d know if he was lying.”

Remus nearly spilled the coffee he was pouring into a mug, feeling blood fill his face. It wasn’t like James was exactly wrong.

James turned to look at Remus in amusement.

“Lily likes you, by the way,” he continued, pulling some bacon and egg somethings out of the oven and using a pair of tongs to put a few onto a plate and handing it to Remus, “If it wasn’t for the whole batting-for-the-other-team-thing I’d worry that I’d have some competition,” he smirked.

Remus snorted this time and took the plate from James, thanking him for the breakfast.

“She’s lovely,” he replied, “Everyone was so lovely, actually. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t to feel like I was being adopted into this patchwork family that you have all created,” he paused and took a sip of his coffee to hide the emotion that was bubbling to the surface.

James looked at him with an understanding expression.

“Hmm, yeah we tend to do that – we’d do it for anyone seeing Sirius, but at least you made it easy, you’re a good sort, Lupin,”

“You’re not bad yourself, Potter,” Remus smirked in response.

“The sale of the magazine should be going through in the next week,” he mentioned.

“Oh?” Remus asked around a mouthful of the little muffin-shaped quiches stuffed with bacon and halloumi cheese that James had made.

“Mhm, just like we thought, Greater Good wanted to be rid of it after their backstabbing was thwarted.”

Remus nodded as he continued to eat.

“I wanted to ask you if you’d consider adding to your role actually,” James asked thoughtfully.

Remus raised his brows curiously.

“I need a consultant to help me set up the new modules on treating chronic illness in the foundation,” he began, “a third party who can look at what the medical professionals have put together and give a perspective on real-world applications for the protocols, and give us some idea if they’re actually going to help or whether they’re too band-aidey to make a difference.”

Remus nodded his understanding, thinking.

“You could also teach a module here and there – to help new trainees to understand the lived experiences of someone with chronic illness and what they actually need from medical professionals.”

Remus took a sip of coffee to give himself a moment to come up with a response.

“In theory, that all sounds like an excellent idea,” Remus responded finally, “and it sounds like you’re approaching this the right way, not looking to tick off boxes if the criteria don’t even make a tangible difference,”

James nodded enthusiastically and Remus went on.

“Can you send me a proposal for the role and then I can spend some time thinking about it?”

“Of course! Sirius told me that there’s a lot for you to navigate right now, so I knew you’d need some time. I’ll email through my proposal next week and you can let me know when you’re ready.”

Remus smiled and got up from the table to bring over his plate, rinsing it off and placing it in the dishwasher.

“Thanks for thinking of me James,” Remus spoke quietly leaning against the counter and facing James where he was at the stove, “and for all your help over the last few weeks.”

James grinned with mischief twinkling in his eyes.

“Nah, it’s nothing, besides it’s like you said, you’re family now!”

Remus chuckled.

“Plus I had to find a way to restore your first impression of me after I tried to fight my way into your house to get to Sirius not too long ago,”

They both laughed, and Remus found himself marveling anew at the way his life had changed in the last few weeks.

He not only had Sirius (a big enough accomplishment, there were no two ways about it), but in the aftermath of his father’s death, he’d realised he wasn’t as alone as he’d always felt.

Remus come to see that people like Reg and Dorcas had always been trying to reach out to him, and he’d never been able to see it until now. And now he had these others – James, Lily, Marlene, even Mary who he thought would take a long time to warm to him – who all made him feel like there was no favour too big to ask, and no issue too big to solve. It was overwhelming. It was like something inside him was unwinding slowly, allowing him to breathe easier, and actually look forward to whatever was coming.

"For the next of these dinners, there's someone who I like to bring if that's alright?" Remus asked thinking of Dorcas again.

James agreed, stating it was a 'more the merrier' type of situation and Remus made his excuses to get ready to leave.

Remus said his goodbyes to James, thanking him again and asking for him to pass on his thanks to Lily as well before he collected his things and caught a bus to the local grocery store, where he collected ingredients for the date that he had planned for Sirius later.

***

Sirius

-

Sirius stood back to admire the creation he’d finished on the bench of his workroom.

He hadn’t lied to Remus; he did have a job he was prepping for. He had just been vague on how long the prep would take – approximately 3 hours – so that he could work on another pet project that he’d been dreaming up since he had fallen asleep in Remus’s arms the night before.

The bouquet was simple in its arrangement, but vibrant and dynamic in its colour choices. With it, Sirius wanted to communicate all of the excitement, affection, and blinding happiness he felt when he was with Remus. He’d had to call in every favour he had to get the blooms he needed at such short notice, but as Sirius stood back to admire the effect, he was sure it had been worth it.

He checked the clock above the till, it was 6.30 now and he was due to go to Remus’s at 7, but he was sure he could get away with being ever-so-slightly early. He shrugged on his jacket and stuffed his keys, wallet and phone into the pockets.

He flicked the lock on the inside of the shop door and shouldered his way out, carrying the arrangement with both hands as he made the short journey to Remus’s house.

By the time he got to the house, his arms were burning from the angle he was carrying the flowers.

When Remus answered the door, Sirius pushed past him urgently to place the arrangement down on the bureau, shaking out his wrists when he was free of the weight and hissing with the restored blood flow to his hands.

Remus was observing him with a bemused expression, lips quirking into a grin at Sirius’s dramatic entrance.

“Hello… to you too I guess?” He asked with an expression that said he was trying (and failing) to suppress a laugh at Sirius’s expense.

Sirius joined in with Remus’s mirth good-naturedly and walked forward to meet him with a kiss on the lips. He slipped his arms around Remus’s neck as Remus circled Sirius’s waist with his, kissing him back.

“Good day?” Remus asked while Sirius nuzzled his nose into Remus’s chest in contentment.

“Very good day,” Sirius responded, “and even better now for seeing you again.”

Sirius leaned out of the embrace to look back at the arrangement on the bureau, then looked up at Remus with a smirk.

“I’ve been busy,” he said tilting his head in flirtation.

“I can see that,” Remus purred, his gaze flicking between the flowers and Sirius and nodding to the bouquet finally, “They’re for me then?”

Sirius pulled him over to the bureau by the hand and then lifted the bouquet for Remus to take.

“For you, Moony,” Sirius said quietly.

Remus took the bouquet with an expression like wonder.

The bouquet was made up of golden and fuchsia alstroemeria, sunflowers, orange chrysanthemums, peach-pink carnations, fragrant white gardenias, and a combination of coral and red Roses. The explosion of red, gold, and yellow was bright and festive. They were offset by daisies and other soft pinks and purples and blues of wildflowers that Sirius had gone to find shortly leaving Remus at James’s. The effect of the bouquet was chaotic and vibrant, softened with the whimsical bursts of the wildflowers.

Sirius watched Remus taking in the bouquet with a fizziness that straddled the border between excitement and anxiety.

“Do you like it?” he asked with a small smile.

Remus Found Sirius’s eyes with his gaze over the bouquet, and his eyes were suspiciously watery.

He put the bouquet down again, then yanked Sirius to him and kissed him so hard that Sirius thought he might begin to astral project himself into another dimension, such was the power of the feeling of Remus moving his mouth over Sirius’s, biting and sucking.

Remus broke away abruptly and leaned his forehead against Sirius’s.

“I love them,” he said huskily, “thank you, Baby.”

Remus slipped his arm around Sirius’s shoulders and picked up the bouquet, escorting both through to the kitchen where he deposited Sirius against the counter, letting him go and then rummaging around in one of the cupboards until he found a crystal vase.

“Poppy’s?” Sirius asked, watching as Remus wiped the dust off the glass, then filled it with water.

He turned to Sirius, handing him the bouquet with a shy expression.

“Would you arrange it for me?” he asked sheepishly.

Sirius grinned, taking the bouquet and moving to face the counter space to get to work.

“If you want them to last, you’ll need to change the water in about 2 days,” He said, unwrapping the brown paper from around the stems of the blooms.

“The wildflowers will probably die first, and when they start to wilt you should take them out so they don’t make the water green and gooey.”

“Could I dry them?” Remus asked thoughtfully, watching Sirius work with a fond smile.

“Definitely,” Sirius responded, nodding, “When you do, pat the stems dry and find a clothes peg and some twine. String the twine up in a dry spot and then use the pegs to hold the stems so that the flowers are hanging petals down,” Sirius brought the bouquet to the vase and tipped out a bit of the water before placing the flowers into it, “Then you just leave them until they’re dry and you can do whatever you want with them.” He finished adjusting the blooms so that there was height in the back and fullness all around and turned to Remus with a gesture of completion.

“Ta-da!”

Remus took the vase from the counter and brought it to the kitchen table. He cleared the surface of debris and gave the arrangement pride of place in the middle.

“You know,” Sirius started, wandering over to where Remus was gently touching the petals of one of the sunflowers, “In the past, people sent each other messages with flowers.”

“I did know that, actually,” Remus said smirking, “what message were you trying to send here, hmm?” he asked, bumping Sirius’s shoulder teasingly.

“Well since you know all about it,” Sirius said, returning the teasing tone, “why don’t you tell me what you deduce from this bouquet,” he finished, bumping Remus’s hip playfully with his own.

Remus considered the bouquet.

“Well,” he began, “I believe chrysanthemums are for joy or hopefulness,” he touched a petal of the orange flowers, “and so are gardenias,” he indicated the blooms currently scenting the space with their sweet, slightly coconutty aroma.

“Quite right,” Sirius nodded solemnly, “but chrysanthemums are more for optimism than hope,” he raised an eyebrow and leaned against the table to watch Remus continue his exhibition.

He indicated the Alstroemerias.

“I have no idea what this flower is even called, so I’m not sure I know what it means, but I could guess?”

“Alstroemerias,” Sirius informed him with a laugh, “and go on then,” he teased.

“I’m going to go with ‘affinity for hair products that smell like shea’,” Remus teased, taking a lock of Sirius’s hair and tugging it.

Sirius laughed, “not quite, but it does mean support, and I can’t survive without my shea curl crème so it’s not far off,” he smiled into Remus’s twinkling gaze.

“Well I’m pretty partial to it as well,” Remus said fondly, running hands through the black tresses.

Sirius glowed with pleasure at the feeling of Remus’s fingertips on his scalp.

“The Alstroemerias have another meaning as well,” Sirius said softly, holding Remus’s gaze.

“Hmm?” Remus asked bringing his hand from where it was buried in Sirius’s hair to come around and cup his cheek.

“It means the same as the sunflowers really,” Sirius said, shifting off from leaning on the table so he could be closer to Remus.

Remus raised his brows, inviting Sirius to finish his thought.

“They mean devotion,” Sirius began to list stepping into Remus’s arms, “adoration,” he continued, pulling Remus closer by his shirt, “loyalty,” he finished, feeling Remus’s hand slip from his cheek to the back of his neck, and leaned in as Remus pulled him forward him for a kiss.

The kiss was deep and Sirius groaned into Remus’s mouth. Remus took the opening to slide his tongue into Sirius’s mouth and swallowed the sound that Sirius made. He brought his hand up to Sirius’s waist to pull him closer and pushed them both against the wood surface of the table they were stood by so that Sirius could feel the hardness under his trousers pressing into Sirius’s hip. Sirius pressed himself into the hardness and felt Remus shudder and moan while they continued to lick into each other’s mouths. Remus began to roll his hips forward and Sirius gasped as his own erection got the friction it was literally weeping for. He pulled Remus closer by his belt loops and was rewarded with a growl of approval from Remus's throat.

It seemed that they were just getting somewhere when an alarm began to go off somewhere from the direction of the stove.

“Fuck,” Remus growled against Sirius’s bruised lips, “we are not done here,” he said releasing Sirius suddenly and prowling to the stove to take something from the oven.

Chapter 32: When You Move, I'm Moved.

Summary:

This chapter is really just smut.
The chocolate lava cake is just a paid actor.
TW for explicit sex, please use discretion.

Remus

-

Remus deposited the oven dish onto the counter and covered it with a dish towel, then he left the kitchen under the excuse to use the loo and instead, dunked his head into a basin of cold water to try and stay the fog of lust clouding his vision.

When he emerged from the water, he rubbed his hair dry with a towel and gave himself a pep talk in the mirror. This evening was supposed to be special – he was supposed to be thanking Sirius with a nice dinner and THEN an orgasm. Remus knew that if they switched the order of the proceedings that dinner would be forgotten, and he really wanted the pleasure of watching Sirius enjoy the meal he’d prepared.

When he was satisfied that he wouldn’t quite literally jump Sirius when he re-entered the kitchen, he took a deep breath and left the bathroom.

Sirius seemed to have had a similar idea because Remus entered the kitchen to find him bent with his head stuck into the open freezer, wafting the cold air over himself.

When he heard Remus approaching, he emerged, took in Remus’s damp hair and wet collar, and burst into laughter.

Remus couldn’t help but join in.

“Jesus Christ,” Remus Wheezed, “I feel 14 again.”

“I know the feeling,” gasped Sirius leaning on the fridge for support.

They recovered, and Remus brought out some plates and cutlery, passing them to Sirius who arranged them on the table and then poured himself some wine before offering some to Remus.

“Only a little bit for me, thanks,” Remus said bringing over the roasting pan and depositing it onto the table between them and then bringing out a scented candle he’d bought for the occasion that afternoon.

Then he disappeared from the room to put on the record player he had set up in the room across, set to softly waft music into the kitchen where they were going to eat, and on his return placed desert into the oven to begin to bake while they ate the main.

Remus had made a roasted chicken and veggies in the same pan, arranged with garlic, lemon, and rosemary as aromatics, and the chicken resting on top of the chopped root veggies so that the juices would flavour them in addition to the liberal seasoning and olive oil.

He tried to pay attention to the food, he really did, but as the night got older and the light started to dip, the candlelight began to cast shadows onto Sirius's skin, touching his features lovingly, and making him appear even more like something out of a classic novel than usual. Remus found himself staring while Sirius spoke, offering the occasional thought or response, but otherwise just looking.

Sirius donned a grey denim button-down for the occasion, which he’d rolled up to his elbows, and paired with black skinny jeans.

In that light, he looked positively Byronic – the perfect combination of refined and roguish, of contrasting shades, light and dark. His tattoos broke the sepia mirage with their bursts of brightness. A reminder that Sirius was flesh and not a mere figment of Remus’s imagination.

He was startled out of his ogling by the oven alarm going off again.

He got up to fetch dessert out of the oven and Sirius cleared their plates, returning to the table to watch Remus melting some dark chocolate to drizzle over the chocolate lava cakes, and bringing out some tart raspberry sauce to accompany them. He placed the dirty dishes to the side and then brought over the two plates.

Sirius cut into the cake, moaning as he watched the oozing chocolate flooding out of the cake.

“Fucking hell, Moony,” Sirius said after a taste, “You’ve been holding out on me,” he leaned back as he chewed, closing his eyes like he was in ecstasy.

Sirius had no idea.

Remus swallowed heavily and shifted on his chair, resisting the urge to lean forward and lick up Sirius’s exposed throat.

Remus took a spoonful of his own cake to give his hands something to do. He used his spoon to get a combination of the cake, chocolate lava, and raspberry sauce, licking the residue off the spoon.

When he looked back up it was to find Sirius staring at him this time, his own spoon lying in his grip, forgotten, and his lips parted in want.

They shared a heated gaze, and Remus smirked when he saw Sirius swallow before they returned to their deserts and Sirius took a sip of wine.

The rest of the dessert took on a kind of foreplay from then, where they were both aware of what the other wanted, and both played along to see who would break first.

They finished their plates and Remus got up to clear the plates, Sirius following to start loading the dishwasher.

It was a delicious game.

Remus moved over to the dishwasher, passing behind Sirius closer than was strictly necessary, and heard the hitching of his breath in expectation, before Remus returned to clean some other part of the kitchen.

Then Sirius cleared his throat, earning a look up from Remus, just so Sirius could dip a finger into some of the melted chocolate on one of the plates and do obscene things to that finger while Remus watched feeling lightheaded with lust.

It was the last straw.

Remus stalked over to where Sirius was now making a show of sorting out the dishes covered in melted chocolate, trying to scrape the excess chocolate into a bowl with a baking spatula but really ending up with more chocolate covering his hands than in the bowl.

Sirius cursed softly and made to put the spatula down onto the kitchen surface, but his wrist was caught by Remus before he could. Sirius turned toward Remus with surprise and a sparkle in his eye.

Remus moved closer, raising the spatula still clutched in Sirius’s hand toward his lips. He licked the melted chocolate off the flat of the spatula, maintaining his grip on Sirius’s wrist and keeping his eyes locked on hims the whole time.

Remus turned Sirius’s wrist to get to the other side and this time, trailed his tongue all the way up from the handle of the spatula up to the tip of the flat and watched as Sirius’s pupils blew wide and his breathing grew heavy.

Gently, Remus took the spatula from Sirius with one hand and placed it on the countertop. With the other, Remus pulled Sirius’s now empty fingers toward his lips, watching how Sirius tracked the movement.

Remus dragged his lips and the very tip of his tongue along the inside of Sirius’s index finger and Sirius groaned, shutting his eyes at the contact.

Emboldened by Sirius’s response, Remus stepped even closer, looming over him as he moved the wet flat of his tongue against his index and middle finger, bringing them into his mouth and sucking softly.

At the same time, Remus’s other hand grasped Sirius’s hip and squeezed as he pulled him even closer so that their pelvises were almost touching. Sirius responded by putting his hand out to grasp the material of Remus’s shirt and closing the distance between their bodies.

Remus hummed in satisfaction around Sirius’s fingers as he felt Sirius hard against his hip. The hum turned to a groan as he felt Sirius grind his erection against Remus causing delicious friction and sparks of pleasure into his abdomen as it rubbed against him.

Remus opened his mouth and let Sirius remove his fingers, just for Sirius to use those fingers to grasp Remus’s lower lip and tug it softly, telling Remus exactly what he wanted next. Not wanting to deny Sirius anything he could humanly provide, Remus lowered his forehead to rest against Sirius’s, looking into his eyes and pushing him back to lean against the countertop with the grip he still had on his hip.

With the solid surface behind Sirius, Remus used it as leverage to grind himself back into Sirius’s pelvis in return eliciting a gasp from Sirius as he felt where Remus’s own cock had hardened almost painfully under his jeans.

Sirius turned his face upwards, sliding his nose next to Remus’s and panting into his open mouth.

“How did they taste?” Sirius asked in a low, husky voice

“Like heaven,” Remus growled into Sirius’s open mouth before bringing their mouths together.

The kiss started tenderly, lingering with a softness that seemed incompatible with what was happening below their waists. But then Remus shifted an angle that seemed to tip Sirius right out of reverent, movements, and right into a gasp which allowed Remus to lick into his mouth with wet, slightly sloppy kisses, which Sirius returned with alacrity.

“Oh, god,” Sirius whimpered against Remus’s mouth as Remus’s hand crept under Sirius’s shirt, running his fingertips along the skin that Remus had thought looked so soft the first he had seen Sirius without his shirt and touched for the first time almost a week ago now. Sirius was silk stretched over bone and muscle and suddenly Remus just had to see it again.

Remus broke the kiss, causing Sirius to whimper at the loss until Remus tugged at his shirt inching it upwards even as he directed Sirius into the living room by hips.

Sirius, quick as ever, caught the hint in no time and helped Remus to unbutton his shirt, throwing it off just before switching the roles and pushing Remus back to sit on the sofa and climbing up to straddle his legs.

***

Sirius

-

Remus was looking at Sirius with a hungry, almost feral expression as Sirius leaned into his lap.

He brought his hands up Sirius’s sides, lingering over his tattoos like they were priceless works of art he’d been permitted to see up close. His tongue darted over his parted lips and Sirius lowered his head to meet Remus’s and resumed trying to consume him by kiss alone.

Their tongues slid together and Sirius adjusted the tilt of his hips to grind downwards into Remus and was rewarded with a desperate moan that he swallowed from Remus’s mouth as he felt Remus’s hands come up to grip his hips, encouraging his movement. Sirius busied his fingers by unbuttoning Remus’s shirt, tugging it out of his waistband, and then pushing the fabric from Remus’s broad back.

He laid his hand against the freckles that dusted over Remus’s pectoral muscles, feeling the softness that was his skin, and Remus’s mouth moved from Sirius’s mouth to his jaw, making his way along until he got to his earlobe, which he tugged with his teeth before pulling into his mouth and sucking.

The sound Sirius made might have embarrassed him at any other point, but his reception must have only encouraged Remus because he released Sirius’s earlobe and moved to his neck, stopping at his pulse point and biting down and then soothing the sore spot by laving it with his tongue.

Sirius began to lift off Remus, smirking at his indignant disapproval, and sunk down to his knees on the floor.

He pulled Remus’s hips to the edge of the couch cushion and fumbled with his fly buttons while he pressed open-mouthed kisses down Remus’s chest to where he was gradually exposing his magnificent cock under his briefs.

He pulled down the denim and palmed Remus through the fabric of his underwear earning him a groan of approval from Remus above him. His cock was already seeping pre-come, soaking a spot into the material and Sirius wasted no more time before pulling down the elastic and taking a moment to appreciate Remus in all his glory.

“Jesus, Moony,” Sirius said, spitting on Remus’s cock and languidly massaging the soft skin while Remus writhed above him.

“Fuck, Baby,” Remus breathed out fists gripping for purchase in the fabric of the couch cushions.

Sirius whined at the name, and took Remus gently by the balls with one hand, massaging softly, as he lowered his head to take all of Remus’s considerable length into his mouth, inch by inch.

Remus was keening above him, struggling like he had the last time not to thrust into Sirius’s mouth. Sirius decided he’d had enough of that, and removed the hand from Remus to take his fisted grip from the sofa and place it on his own head.

Remus stilled and looked down at Sirius.

“You’re alright?” He asked, the beautiful, considerate man that he was.

Sirius nodded as he came up off of Remus’s cock, sucking as he did so. Remus’s eyes rolled briefly into the back of his head.

“I want you to fuck my mouth, Moony,”

Remus nodded feverishly and leaned forward running his hands through Sirius’s hair.

“tap my leg if it gets too much, I’ll tap your cheeks to stop you before I come,” he panted and commanded all in the same breath, “I’m not done with you yet.”

Sirius laughed breathily up at Remus before taking his cock back into his mouth, relaxing his throat when Remus finally thrust deeper. He hummed in appreciation letting Remus hold his head still while he pushed himself up and deeper into Sirius’s throat. Sirius felt his own erection throb while tasting the saltiness of sweat and pre-come and breathing through his nose while he gripped Remus’s knee for support with one hand and palmed himself through his jeans with the other.

Remus moaned so low it was practically a snarl before he tapped Sirius on the cheek softly, wordlessly asking him to surface. Sirius gasped a breath as he lifted from Remus’s length feeling drool on the corners of his mouth as he looked up at Remus for direction.

“I need the bed if I’m going to finish this properly,” Remus gasped and Sirius nodded and got to his feet. Remus caught him before he’d straightened fully and pulled him down for another sloppy kiss – licking the spit from his chin before letting him stand up. Sirius pulled him upright, and Remus pushed him towards the stairs with urgency, stepping out of his trousers and pants in the process.

They got to the bedroom and Sirius paused to remove his jeans, his erection springing free. Remus pulled him closer where they stood before the bed. He gripped Sirius’s cock with one hand and began to work his hand over it while he took his chin with the other, looking deeply into Sirius’s eyes.

“How far do you want to go?” he asked.

Sirius whimpered and slumped his forehead onto Remus’s chest.

Then he looked up and met Remus’s smirk with what must have been a desperate expression because he softened immediately, easing off Sirius’s cock to grip him softly by the waist.

“Do you want to fuck me?” Sirius asked breathlessly.

Remus’s brows shot up in surprise, and then that hungry look re-entered his features before concern won again.

“Are you sure you don’t want to…” Remus began but was cut off by Sirius’s shaking head.

“I want to feel you, Moony,” He growled pressing open-mouthed kisses into Remus’s neck eliciting a moan.

Remus swallowed audibly and nodded before fixing Sirius with a firm look.

“You have to tell me the moment it’s too much, yeah? We have all the time in the world, and we do not have to do this tonight.”

As always, Remus’s commanding tone sent flutters up Sirius’s abdomen and he nodded and pressed himself against Remus looking for friction. Remus moaned again in response, pressing Sirius back onto the bed.

“Turn over for me, Baby,” Remus said, the order softened by the term of endearment.

Sirius turned onto his stomach and heard Remus going for the top drawer of his nightstand, fetching out the bottle of lube and a condom.

“Get on your knees,” he said, and Sirius heard the snap of the bottle cap shutting.

He did as he was told and Remus used the hand not covered in the slippery liquid to press down on Sirius’s upper back, causing him to arch with his hips in the air.

Sirius felt the pressure of Remus’s fingertip circling his entrance and took a breath to relax.

“Ready?” Remus asked softly.

“Mhm,” Sirius confirmed and gripped the bed clothes tightly when he felt Remus slide a finger in, and gently work him open.

“Mmm, that’s it, baby,” Remus soothed and added a second finger. Sirius moaned deeply into the duvet.

“Another,” Sirius panted with his head turned to the side, “Please, another,” and then moaned loudly when Remus slipped in a third digit.

Sirius rocked backward onto Remus’s hand and heard him humming with appreciation.

“You’re doing so well, Sirius,” he moaned, “Fuck, look at you, baby, you’re going to take me so well.”

Sirius nodded and whimpered into the bedding.

Then, Remus removed his hand and Sirius heard the condom wrapper being ripped open before he felt the head of Remus’s cock nudging at his hole.

“You still sure?” Remus checked and Sirius reached back in response, guiding Remus’s cock into his entrance and rocking back, moaning as he felt himself stretch.

“Fuck,” Remus gasped and gripped Sirius’s hip tightly and slid his hand upwards to pull Sirius into an upright position, where he felt Remus bottoming out inside and cried out as Remus’s length reached further inside than he’d ever thought possible.

Sirius’s head flopped back onto Remus’s shoulder, his long arm holding him up around the waist as he thrust into Sirius.

“Fuck, you feel so good, Moony,” Sirius whimpered.

“So do you, Baby, Fuck” Remus moaned into Sirius’s ear before he brushed Sirius’s hair aside and sucked on the join of his shoulder and neck, “taking me so well,” he panted when he released the suction, “You’re so fucking good, Baby."

Remus took Sirius’s jaw in his hand and turned his head for Remus to lean over his shoulder and kiss him roughly. It had more teeth and lips than tongue and softness, and Sirius loved it.

Then Remus broke the kiss and brought a hand up in front of Sirius’s mouth even as he kept thrusting, causing Sirius to see white spots in his vision.

“Spit for me, Baby,” Remus commanded, and When Sirius did he kissed his cheek, murmuring “Good boy, into his ear as he reached around and took Sirius’s cock in his hand, using the lubrication of the saliva to work Sirius from the front while he pounded into him from behind.

Sirius sobbed then, moans turning into a continual vocalization that was punctuated by Remus’s thrusts.

“Yes, Moony,” He sobbed, “Just like that-”

“Are you close?” Remus panted into his hair.

“Yes, Fuck,” Sirius gasped.

Remus picked up the speed of his thrusts and Sirius was speechless, only crying out finally when he came explosively, Shuddering against Remus’s chest. Remus followed seconds after sobbing Sirius’s name into his shoulder.

Sirius sagged forwards and Remus helped him gently off his softening length and into a horizontal position on the mattress. He then rolled the condom off and knotted it before flinging it into the bin in the corner of the room and settling down next to Sirius, stroking his cheek.

Sirius took long breaths while he shattered quietly, staring at the ceiling. He felt Remus rubbing moisture away from his cheeks and realised he must be crying. He laughed, but it sounded like a sob and then turned to face Remus who was looking at him carefully.

When Sirius smiled, so did Remus.

“Hey,” he whispered a little shyly.

“Hey,” Sirius replied just as quietly, biting his lower lip, feeling totally overwhelmed.

“Okay?” Remus asked.

“Perfect,” Sirius replied honestly.

Remus did an inventory over Sirius with his eyes like he was reassuring himself that Sirius was in fact alright, before gathering Sirius to his chest and kissing his hair, his forehead, his cheeks, and his lips.

“You really were holding out on me, it turns out,” Sirius mumbled into the skin of Remus’s chest.

Remus’s chest shook with laughter.

“Oh, Baby, you have no idea,” he growled playfully.

Sirius hummed in contentment before his stomach growled loudly, causing them both to dissolve in a fit of giggles, still wrapped in each other’s arms.

“You don’t have any more of those puddings, do you?” Sirius asked smiling playfully up at Remus, who laughed harder.

“Shower first, and then seconds?” Remus asked leaning down to kiss Sirius’s nose.

“Sounds like we have a deal,” Sirius smirked, chasing Remus’s lips as he sat up and pulled Sirius with him.

Notes:

We're not far from the ending now - only three or so chapters I reckon and maybe an epilogue.
Thanks for coming along with me as I tried my hand at fic writing - I already have a few ideas for fics in the future!
You're all so lovely for reading, commenting, bookmarking and leaving Kudos, thank you <3

Chapter 33: it’s you, you’re all I see – ooh, you make me live

Summary:

Showers and snacks, and A Night At the Opera

TW: conversations about disappointing first-times: nothing explicit or graphic, but I did wonder about including this because it's a slightly sensitive subject for me personally so I imagine it might be for others as well. I'm going to waffle about it more in the note at the end so feel free to skip ahead to read my drabble before reading the chapter.

If you think that part of the chapter might upset or trigger you, then please feel free to skip to Sirius's POV which moves on to a different scene.

The chapter is mostly warm and fuzzies even with all of that. I plan to post a little more tomorrow and Monday since it's a public holiday here, but I was traveling in the early part of the weekend so I have only had a little time to edit. Please enjoy this in the meantime

Remus

-

Remus pulled Sirius into the en suite bathroom by the hand, walking backward to appreciate the specimen he’d somehow managed to lure into his life.

Sirius looked fucked out and like he was floating in a cloud of bliss, and Remus’s heart did a little skip with pride at the thought that he was the one who had made Sirius look like that. He had been the one to make those red lips maroon and raw, to make the purple bruises on his neck and give him that glazed, post-orgasm glow.

He watched as Sirius took a black elastic that lived on his wrist and used it to tie his long hair up into a bun, using the bathroom vanity mirror to make sure he got the pieces at the back while Remus turned the water on and adjusted it so it wasn’t too hot.

Sirius caught his eye in the bathroom mirror and smirked and Remus watched himself smile a slow, dangerous smile in return, his own lips mirroring the bruising on Sirius’s and his neck sporting his marks.

He removed his shower stool and placed it into the tub, turned on the extractor fan, and then pulled Sirius into the spray of hot water.

He directed Sirius so that he was under the spray and then adjusted the shower head so that it steered clear of his face and hair. Then Remus picked up a washcloth and soaked it in the hot water. When Sirius gave him a questioning look, he just smiled softly and used it to gently clean Sirius off, soothing the tender skin with soft touches of the cloth. Then he lathered a loofa in some of his chai-scented body wash and soaped it over Sirius’s chest and arms, before turning him to do his back, pressing a kiss to the damp skin at the nape of Sirius’s neck.

Then Sirius turned to him again, looking up at Remus with such a vulnerable expression that it tore into Remus, feeling those cracked places in his heart widen into valleys and gorges which filled with a protective desire to treasure Sirius – to hold onto him and never let go. He dropped the loofa and raised his hands to cradle Sirius’s face tenderly, using the pads of his thumbs to rub soft circles over his cheekbones.

“How do you do that?” Sirius whispered, his eyes shut as he leaned into the contact.

“Do what?” Remus asked just as softly, leaning in to kiss Sirius’s forehead.

“How is it that you made me scream your name and do filthy things to you with my mouth not even ten minutes ago, but now you’re bathing and handling me like I’m this precious thing?” He brought his arms up to hold Remus’s hips for support.

“Well for one thing,” Remus said slowly, not wanting to ruin the mood, but also wanting to be honest, “no one ever did this for me my first time.”

Sirius opened his eyes and watched Remus as he continued to speak.

He slid his hands from Sirius’s cheeks to rest on his shoulders, continuing to speak cautiously.

“My first time was with an older boy at secondary,” He started, “And, well-” he winced as he broke off, unsure how to phrase it but hastening on as he saw the flicker of alarm in Sirius’s eyes.

“Well, he just didn’t give a shit about me. I wanted to do it, don’t misunderstand – it was consensual,” he continued and Sirius released a breath he had taken abruptly, “But he wasn’t gentle, and he finished without making sure I did too,” Remus went on, “and afterward, when I asked what happened next, all he said was that he ‘wasn’t much of a cuddler’ while he dressed, and so I took the hint and just left.”

He shrugged, finding a spot on the shower door just above Sirius’s shoulder and staring at it intently.

“We were at his house party, and I walked out his front door afterward, and it hadn’t even closed behind me before he was high-fiving his mates and they were congratulating him loudly on ending his ‘dry patch’,” Remus finished bitterly.

His gaze found Sirius again, who was listening to him intently.

Then Sirius suddenly dropped his hands from around Remus’s waist and got out of the shower, still dripping.

Remus was just reeling from the whiplash at this turn of events when Sirius returned from the dry and stepped back into the shower carrying Remus’s shower stool. He placed it down and gently pressed Remus back into it before stepping behind him, leaning down to kiss behind Remus’s ear, squeezing a generous amount of shampoo into his hands, and starting to massage it into Remus’s scalp.

At first Remus felt bewildered by this development. He wanted Sirius back in his arms and where he could see him. He was a work of art, after all, and he liked to look.

But Sirius was taking his time washing Remus’s hair.

When he’d sufficiently lathered up the soap into Remus’s curls, he took the shower head down and used it to rinse the suds out of his hair, pressing back on his forehead so that the water wouldn’t run into his eyes and causing Remus to tip his head backward against Sirius’s naked chest. He closed his eyes and felt himself starting to relax.

Sirius switched to conditioner next and spread it through Remus’s tresses. Then he used his fingertips to apply pressure to the skin of his scalp in broad circular motions. He worked his way up to the crown of his head from a starting point at his temples and then moved to the back, and down to the base of his skull, where he applied firm, upward pressure, working out Remus’s tension in his neck and the pressure points in his scalp.

Around halfway through the process, Remus began to feel a lump of emotion creeping up on him under Sirius’s fingers. He found himself swallowing and squeezing his eyes shut tightly, inexplicably trying to fight back tears while he let Sirius cater to him. Allowed himself to be tended to and looked after.

His breath came out shaky as Sirius used the shower head to rinse out the conditioner, and then hung it up, crouched behind where Remus was sitting, and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, pressing chaste kisses to his bare back and leaning forward to reach his cheeks with his lips.

“I wish it had happened differently for you,” he started huskily, “It was wrong, Moony,” Sirius said into his neck from behind.

“He was so wrong for treating you like that,” he said and Remus could feel him shake his head in frustration.

“I should have known better,” Remus defended feebly, “he had a reputation, but he made me feel, I don’t know – chosen?” Sirius came around to stand in front of him and tipped Remus’s face up to look at him.

“It doesn’t matter, Moony,” Sirius whispered, “no one should ever feel like that. He was just using you like you didn’t matter – treating you like you’re just a collection of useful holes.”

Remus felt his mask slip at that and Sirius knelt on the cold shower tiles and brought Remus into his arms, encouraging him to lean on him from where he sat.

And Remus wondered how he had possibly gotten this lucky. How he’d convinced this firecracker, heartthrob, darling of a man to be here with him, holding him as he let himself be just a bit sad, sitting on an accessibility stool, for a first time that could have been beautiful or special or just more than what it had been.

He’d had better times after that obviously. Not everyone he slept with had been an inconsiderate arsehole, but even then, it had mostly been him doing the looking after in those equations, cleaning up and giving soft touches to his hookups and one-night stands just for them to spend an hour or two in his arms and then leave him. And he was glad to do it – he never wanted anyone to feel how he had felt that night, raw and exposed and like he couldn’t quite reconcile what he’d experienced with what he had hoped for.

And yet, none of those times were anything like the handful of times he’d had with Sirius, who always held Remus close regardless of mess and laughed with him and made him floral bouquets just because he wanted him to know that was thought of. That he was worth the effort.

Remus lifted his head from Sirius’s chest and met his concerned look.

“For the record,” Remus said huskily, “you are precious to me,” he finished, smiling shakily.

Sirius looked at him with open affection and a little bit of something more. He swallowed and then his eyes narrowed and the light of mischief returned to them and his mouth quirked.

“The mood is all wrong for a Smegol joke, but Fuck, it’s a near thing right now, Moony,” he bit his lip to stop from smiling and Remus covered his face trying to smother his amusement.

They both shook softly with suppressed mirth until Sirius turned the shower off, helped Remus up, and followed him out of the shower.

***

Sirius

-

They dried off and Sirius borrowed some sleep things. After he had exited the shower, he’d felt Remus’s arms reaching around his middle and his lips pressed into his neck asking if Sirius would stay over. Then Remus donned The Sweats ™, raising a single brow at Sirius as he pulled them up his long legs and Sirius stared and whined for Remus to give him a fighting chance.

They then descended the stairs and into the living room and spent the better part of 15 minutes arguing over which record to put on. Remus, it seemed, was a big fan of atmospheric and moody tunes, whereas Sirius favored more punchy tracks that made you want to unironically play air guitar while you washed the dishes.

They eventually settled on A Night at the Opera, with Remus finally caving to Sirius’s flirty assertions that Queen combined their preferences perfectly.

Next, they found themselves in the kitchen, eating chocolate lava cake out of the oven molds with forks by the light of the scented candle that they’d left burning earlier.

When the melody for Killer Queen came floating in through the door, Remus paused as though something had just occurred to him, then he blushed and looked at Sirius like he was embarrassed by whatever he was going to say next.

“What?” Sirius asked with raised brows.

“You never told me that you play guitar,” he began quietly, tilting his head adorably.

“It never came up,” Sirius shrugged with an amused smile.

“Hmmm,” Remus mused, “how did that come about then?"

“Well, my parents had us choose an instrument when we were little – anything we wanted as long as it was classical, you know?”

Remus nodded, taking another bite of chocolate cake.

“I chose the piano and was even pretty good at it, but I hated every second,” Sirius continued, “Mostly because I hated everything my parents wanted me to do,” he finished with a scowl.

“When I left home, I ditched the piano too, but I missed playing an instrument, and so the potters offered to get me lessons in whatever instrument I wanted-”

“And you chose guitar?” Remus asked, a soft look in his eyes.

“I chose guitar,” Sirius confirmed then carried on; “On my first birthday at the Potters, I woke up to find a very characteristically shaped wrapped gift on the foot of my bed, and that’s how I met the acoustic you might have seen on Friday?”

Remus hummed in confirmation, eyebrows rising slightly in appreciation.

“And the singing?” Remus asked.

“That I found out when Pete, James, and I decided that our eventual destiny was to become international rockstars,” he said with a deadpan look.

Remus nodded sagely.

“As you do.”

“And James couldn’t sing for shit, and Peter sounded more like he was braying than singing,” Remus snorted at this, “and so I gave it a go, and it turns out I can carry a tune,” Sirius finished shrugging.

Remus raised his brows at the faux-modesty.

“First song you learned?” He asked with another bite.

Sirius groaned and covered his face in embarrassment.

“No,” he started, “no, no - you’ll 100% laugh at me,” He shook his head in refusal.

“I won’t,” Remus crossed his heart and raised his hand, fork in hand.

“You definitely will, but you’re cute, so I don’t really mind,” Sirius quipped, enjoying the colour rising up Remus’s neck at the offhand compliment.

He took another bite of dessert to stall for time before he potentially wrecked whatever metal image Remus had of Sirius with the image of him as a teen.

“Tenacious D - Tribute,” Sirius spoke in a mumbled voice, bracing for the inevitable guffaws that followed.

Remus did not disappoint.

“Christ,” Remus said as he cackled, literally doubling over and gripping the counter for support.

Sirius laughed with him, chest shaking in mingled mirth and embarrassment.

“They were James’s favourite band!” he tried to defend himself desperately as Remus continued to laugh, “We worked on it together!”

“Oh, Jesus, please tell me that you have a video somewhere?!” Remus straightened up and fished his phone out of his pocket and started typing.

“What are you doing!?” Sirius asked suspiciously, grabbing for Remus’s mobile even as the taller man hiked it up out of his reach, holding it above his head as he continued to type.

He finished tapping the screen, while holding Sirius back with the other hand as he half-heartedly fought to get to Remus’s other hand, and then finished what he was doing and pocketed his phone.

“Texting James,” Remus started with a satisfied glace, “Asking him for the video – you know, for academic purposes,” he finished with a smirk having caught his breath.

Sirius groaned and his face fell into his hands.

“James’s mum definitely took a video,” he whined into his fingers, “and James will 100% show you just because he knows it will humiliate me.”

Sirius heard Remus laughing again, before he felt Remus skirt by him to the fridge, leaving a kiss on his forehead.

“Did you have any extra-mural activities that you took part in?” Sirius asked reaching for the chocolaty goodness with his fork.

“I ran the school paper for a while,” Remus smirked.

Sirius nodded with an amused smirk.

“I remember you saying that, so always a writer, through and through?”

“Always,”

“Well when you find your thing, I guess you just find it,” Sirius said smiling.

Remus shrugged in agreement.

“And is that when you convinced everyone that a blowie was a really bad storm?” Sirius asked with a raised brow.

Remus snorted.

“Jesus, I forgot I told you that,” he sniggered.

“How did you get away with that?” Sirius asked with amusement.

“I didn’t,” Remus laughed, “I got a real talking to from the principal, but they didn’t do anything serious because I could play the chronic illness card if they went too harshly,” he smiled smugly.

He looked up and caught Sirius’s raised brows and smirked anew.

“There had to be a few perks to the operations and the therapies and the emotional neglect and I exploited every single one of them.”

This time Sirius snorted in surprise.

“I can’t argue with that,” Sirius said softly as he shook his head and chuckled.

They finished the rest of the cakes and continued the hobby banter for a little, and then Sirius brought over the molds to the sink to clean it as Remus had just turned the dishwasher on.

The mellow tones of “Ooh, you make me live,” began to float into the kitchen from the record player in the sitting room and Sirius began to bop slightly to the tune as he washed out the molds in the sink.

Whenever this world is cruel to me, it’s you, you’re all I see…

“Oooh, you make me live now honey,” he sang softly under his breath and caught Remus’s eye over his shoulder as his shoulders shook with a teasing shimmy, “ohh, you make me live.”

“Oh, you’re the best friend that I ever had…-” Sirius continued to sing, swaying his hips slightly until he felt Remus grab them from behind, pressing his chest against Sirius’s back as they swayed together to the time of the song.

As the tune built into the chorus, the pressure of Remus at his back lessened as he stepped back, but as it did, Sirius was pulled around to face him by the hand. Then Remus used that hand to turn Sirius, raising his arm to allow space for him to twirl underneath. Sirius heard himself giggle as Remus pulled him back to his chest then, with an amused smile.

You’re my sunshine, and I want you to know that my feelings are true, I really love you – you’re my best friend

In the musical bridge to the next bit of the song, Sirius brought his left hand up to Remus’s shoulder and took Remus’s left hand in his right. They swayed to the melody for a while as they smiled and laughed with each other.

In that low lighting, Remus’s eyes looked impossibly dark – like warm pools pulling him in, in, in – and his curls cast shadows. Giving him a mysterious, even dangerous look. All of which was offset by the scrunch of his nose as he laughed and smiled as they danced. He was positively bewitching.

Then Sirius slipped his hand down from Remus’s shoulder to slide to his other hand, leaning back away from him, before stepping in close and bringing their hands up to their chests. Before he pulled back away he snuck a kiss against Remus’s nose, earning him a blush from the taller man.

When he pulled back and stepped close again, he first raised his arms and twisted their hold so that he could turn into Remus’s embrace, which resulted in Sirius’s back being nestled against Remus’s chest again, but with both of their arms encasing him this time.

They swayed like that in the flickering light and Remus leaned down to plant a kiss against Sirius’s neck, causing him to shiver slightly. He felt Remus laugh breathily as he felt Sirius’s reaction to his kiss.

“Ooh, you make me live, ooh you’re my best friend…” Sirius heard Remus mumble-sing into his neck and felt him tighten his arms slightly before Remus untwisted their arms and spun Sirius back out to face him.

As the song drew to a close, he brought Sirius back to his chest and brought his arms around his waist. Sirius raised his arms to circle Remus’s neck as he looked up into his soft gaze.

Sirius tilted his head with the ebbing rhythm of the music as he matched his tempo to Remus’s, meeting his eyes and feeling his grin soften into an expression that fought to contain the rest of what he felt for the man in front of him.

Some of what he felt must have been apparent to Remus, because his amused expression softened into a sweet affection that washed over Sirius like the dim, flickering candlelight.

Remus pulled him closer and Sirius went willingly, meeting Remus’s chaste kiss with one of his own.

It felt like the kind of kiss that promised many more just like it. Like he might wake up to it tomorrow and find incarnations of it over a morning coffee or dishes, and as they drifted off again in the evening. Like it was the kind of kiss they might share on birthdays after wishes were made and candles were blown out, or on Christmas morning over gifts they promised they wouldn’t get for each other. They might share kisses like that in private like they were now, dancing in the kitchen by the light of a candle almost burned down to the end of the wick, or in the company of friends after a particularly successful round of charades.

It was a kiss that promised every morning, afternoon, and evening. Every occasion, every setting, and in all kinds of company. It said, ‘This is ours even when nothing else is' and ‘Out of everything I have, I still want you the most.’

It was the kind of kiss Sirius could picture them sharing in a years-time at an anniversary dinner, in 15 years when they were helping James and Lily embarrass their kid at a footie match, and in 30 when they were both grey and eccentric and had a lifetime of memories of kisses just like it.

Sirius observed these thoughts with surprise. Not that he was having them, but rather that the thought make him feel so at ease. There wasn’t a hint of anxiety or fear, but rather as if something had been rattling around and was now slotted back into its place. A puzzle piece dropping into an empty space. A key clicking into a lock and his heart swinging wide open and allowing the love he’d been holding there for Remus (for some time already, Sirius realized) to come gushing out.

Sirius broke the kiss and dropped his arms to wind around Remus.

“I’ve never seen anything like you,” Sirius found himself murmuring, shaking his head as he observed the way the light danced over Remus’s gilded curls, “It’s like you came from another world.”

At Remus’s bemused smile, Sirius clarified.

“You’re just too beautiful to be from this one, you know?”

Remus's smile in response was blinding as his breath hitched and he held Sirius tighter as they continued to sway.

Notes:

Regarding the TW and Remus's first time:

Summary: In the shower, Remus tells Sirius that his first time was with someone who didn't care and didn't make sure he finished or take care of him afterward. He says it was consensual, but Sirius tells him that it doesn't matter whether he gave the okay or not, the person shouldn't have used Remus like that or treated him like he didn't matter.

my thoughts:
I saw someone on tiktok saying that as far as they're concerned if you aren't making sure your partner is enjoying themselves when you're sleeping together, they consider it exploitation. I also know that many of our first times were like this. And there's a big difference between two fumbling young people learning together and having fun in the process but not necessarily meeting the finish line together, and a power dynamic where one person uses the other without thinking about their experience.

The consent side of it is tough to navigate as someone who this has happened to. I know of plenty of other people who 'consented' to what was happening but only because we thought it wouldn't matter if we hadn't or because we felt that the damage was already done regardless.

I wondered about including this because I didn't want it to feel like I was just throwing all of the trauma at Remus I could to make it interesting, or to fulfill the hurt/comfort trope.

The reasons I did include it:
-I think it's important for partners to understand these things about each other to make sure they can adjust their own behavior accordingly, and I think it's something that these two would do for each other.
-I think it's a far more common experience than I initially realized, and I think there's a tendency to laugh it off and pretend it's not a big deal when it colours your expectations if not your experiences in the future, and I think it's worth taking seriously.
-Because in a lot of ways, and as identified by one of my favorite fic writers; third_crow, and one of my favorite fantasy writers in general; Tolkien, fiction can be a healing exercise - an act of recovery - and I personally found it very comforting to write someone else being cared for in the way that Sirius chose to care for Remus in the aftermath of Remus's story.

Anyway, I say all of this to assure you that none of the descriptions is graphic, explicit or gratuitous and that I didn't include it just because I could.

*edit* thanks to a helpful comment from PhantomGrimalkin I've seen that my final line here wasn't clear, so I've removed it.

PhantomGrimalkin also rightfully noted that there really is no sexual trauma without ambiguity and that it's not helpful to act like one is less complicated than the other, but that they all deserve to be understood in their complexity and validated in turn.

Chapter 34: I 'Aint Gotta Tell him, I Think He Knows.

Summary:

Morning Sex and bath chats.

Tw: explicit sex. Discussions of loneliness to do with both Remus and Sirius's upbringings so difficult parental relationships, neglect and abuse.

the explicit sex starts with the * and ends with Remus's POV

Remus

-

Sunday came and Remus had the delight of waking up to Sirius sprawled across his chest once again.

As the man in question was still sound asleep and Remus really had nowhere he needed to go, he continued to lie contentedly under him, lightly running the pads of his fingertips against the soft skin of Sirius’s back.

He reveled in the internal fireworks he was growing used to at yet again, not having dreamed up the night before or Sirius’s ongoing presence in his life.

He hadn’t told Sirius that he loved him yet. He wanted to say it was because it was too soon, or that there just hadn’t been the right moment, but that wasn’t exactly true.

For a start, Remus didn’t think Sirius would mind. He seemed uniquely qualified for every curveball that Remus sent flying his way, from his illness to his avoidance and everything in between. He hardly thought the news that Remus loved him would be the thing to send him packing.

There had been a few moments the night before that might have fit the bill perfectly; while he was watching the candlelight make love to Sirius’s features during dinner, or when he was actally making love to him shortly afterward. Or later, as they had bantered and danced in the kitchen to Queen.

The memory of it all sent a flutter into Remus’s stomach and a stirring in his already semi-hard groin region.

No. None of those reasons. If he was honest, he didn’t know why he hadn’t said it. He might have been scared still, or unsure of the future. But then he’d think of Sirius as he was now, and what he might look like in 10 years with his curls peppered with grey and his laugh lines defined around his eyes and he felt breathless with the need to manifest a future together. To will it into being even if it meant having to bare his soul.

His soul. Remus had always borne his soul best through his writing.

He’d not had the opportunity to talk to Sirius about what he’d read in the journal he’d looked through. He’d snapped it shut before he could get the opportunity to see for himself. He suspected that Sirius had read the final entry that he’d been working on when he’d fallen asleep on Thursday, but he wasn’t sure what else he’d read.

Then he remembered the flowers Sirius had given him, and about the roses that they’d never gotten around to naming the meaning of before they got distracted. Remus was pretty sure he knew what they meant, but Sirius hadn’t drawn attention to them, and he hadn’t wanted to circle back in case he was wrong and Sirius had just picked them for the colour in the bouquet or something equally enoccuous.

But the bouquet itself held a clue to how he could show Sirius what he meant to him.

As Remus began to mentally plan it out, he felt Sirius nuzzling his face into Remus’s chest, his breath coming faster as he surfaced.

Sirius inhaled at Remus’s collarbone and squirmed in satisfaction as he, no doubt had the same realisation as Remus that he’d woken up surrounded by the other.

His squirming was causing a situation in Remus’s sweats that was going to require some attention at some point – the sliding of Sirius’s skin against Remus’s and the shifting of his hips as Sirius moved his leg to slot in between Remus’s causing sparks to fly up into Remus's sternum. He swallowed heavily as Sirius halted his wriggling as he discovered the situation for himself. Remus heard him chuckle softly before he folded his arm on Remus’s chest and propped his chin onto it, meeting Remus’s eyes blearily with a smile that was the perfect combination of sleepy and knowing.

“Morning Moony,” he spoke in a deep, groggy voice that put Remus in mind of their first meeting.

“You know,” Remus responded with a smirk, “Your voice was the first thing I properly noticed about you.”

“Really?” Sirius asked with an amused brow raised.

“Mhmm,” Remus nodded, leaning down and kissing Sirius’s forehead in greeting.

“That morning I went to the cart to try and get my head straight before I started sorting things out for the funeral, and you cut me off at the cart,” Remus began and earned a huff from Sirius at the memory, “and I vaguely noticed your black hair and the edges of your tattoo coming out the back of your jacket up your neck,” Remus tapped his fingers against the tattoo in question – the lion head, “and then I walked into your shop – convinced when I saw it that it was a sign from the universe about what to do first, and low-and-behold, there was the coffee cart prick at the desk-”

“You almost left!” Sirius cut in indignantly, but he was laughing.

“I did almost leave,” Remus confirmed with a nod and a smirk, “but then you spoke – asking some sarcastic question about whether it was you or the flowers putting me off,” Sirius buried his head in his arms as he laughed, “and all I could think of was that your voice was the best thing I’d ever heard,” Remus finished his story and pinched Sirius in the side causing him to flinch and laugh harder.

“Yeah?” Sirius asked, lifting his chin to rest on his arms again, eyes dancing with laughter.

“Yeah,” Remus said in a husky tone, bowled over by how beautiful Sirius looked in the morning, with the light of humour colouring his features.

*

“How do I sound?” Sirius asked, shifting his pelvis against Remus experimentally and earning a sharp breath from Remus as he felt the evidence of Sirius’s own desire against him.

“I remember thinking,” Remus cut off with a gasp as Sirius leaned up and started pressing kisses against Remus’s neck, rolling his hips again, “That you sounded like smooth dark chocolate,” he finished breathily.

Sirius breathed a laugh through his nose against Remus’s, not pausing in his ministrations.

“That was before I looked at you properly,” Remus continued, voice hitching as Sirius began to palm Remus’s length through his sweats as he kissed down to Remus’s chest, darting his tongue out and tasting as he went, “and saw that you were the most stunningly made man I’d ever seen,” Remus finished with a gasp as Sirius dipped his hand under Remus’s waistband and touched him, humming appreciatively as he gave a gentle squeeze, causing Remus to whimper.

“Is this alright?” He asked Remus, shifting on the bed so that he was kneeling over Remus’s prone form as he stroked him, his other arm braced next to his head by the pillow.

“God, yes,” Remus groaned as the sparks caught and he felt the heat pooling in his abdomen.

He brought his hand up to hold onto the back of Sirius’s neck and pulled him forward to take his mouth in a panting, wet kiss, and brought the other between them, to touch Sirius, finding his erection through his pajama pants and stroking. Sirius moaned into his mouth in approval.

Sirius leaned back onto his knees which were straddled around Remus’s legs and shifted down, tugging off Remus’s joggers and tossing them onto the floor. He watched as Remus’s erection sprung free, unencumbered by the clothing, and wet his lips with a glazed expression.

“When you look at me like that I feel like I could run the world,” Remus said with a laugh, and Sirius’s eyes snapped from Remus’s cock to his face with a smirk.

“I can’t help it if you’re impressive,” he growled as he kicked off his own pants and looked at Remus’s pelvis assessingly before he crawled forward to take Remus’s mouth again and Remus delighted in bringing his hands up to stroke Sirius’s sides and run his hands through the silky black locks of hair.

“I want to ride you,” Sirius growled in between kisses.

“Fuck,” Remus groaned at the thought and dug his fingers into Sirius’s hair, holding his face closer to deepen the kiss.

“Can I?” Sirius asked almost anxiously, and Remus nodded vigorously, using his free hand to fumble with the top drawer for the condoms and lube.

Sirius decided to help, leaning over and opening the drawer, fetching the bottle and a condom.

Remus expected Sirius to wait for Remus to finish putting on the condom to get the prep done, but as he rolled the latex down his length he noticed Sirius reaching back with a lubed-up finger to do it himself.

Remus felt his mouth drop open as he watched the whites of Sirius’s eyes appear and then as his eyes fluttered shut while he prepared himself by sinking back onto one finger first and then another, finger fucking himself as his hips rocked back onto the digits.

Remus was startled out of his staring by Sirius’s loud moan when he added a third finger, and Remus grabbed his hips appreciatively, groaning at the sight. He didn’t think he’d been harder in his life.
When he felt Remus take his hips, Sirius opened his eyes and looked down at him with a filthy smile, his tongue poking ever-so-slightly onto his lower lips as he continued to finger himself, watching Remus watch him.

When he couldn’t take it any longer, Remus sat up abruptly, causing Sirius to yelp slightly in surprise, and grasped Sirius by the waist. Then he took Sirius’s arms and pulled them around his neck with his own knowing smile when Sirius whimpered at his loss of stimulation.

“You’re a tease,” Remus growled and watched Sirius’s pupils expand impossibly in excitement at his tone, “but you know that, don’t you?”

Sirius smiled a cheeky, wanton smile and rose to lean his forehead against Remus’s, breathing into his mouth as Remus lined himself up for Sirius to sink down onto.

As Sirius did, twining his fingers into Remus’s hair, he had the immense satisfaction of watching Sirius’s facial journey as he took him, his eyebrows pinching and his breath catching in a gasp, a deep moan growing in his throat as he lowered himself onto Remus’s cock.

Remus only had a moment to appreciate it as the feeling of Sirius around him overwhelmed him with heat and tightness and lightning bolts of pleasure. He moaned with Sirius as they joined.

Then Sirius started to bounce cautiously, the one hand staying in his hair, while the other one steadied himself on the bed as he leaned back slightly for leverage to rise off and sink back onto Remus.

“Fuck, Baby,” Remus panted, desperately trying not to thrust into Sirius as he cautiously took him a little more every time, “does that feel good?”

“Mhmm,” Sirius whined nodding and he shut his eyes in bliss, “So fucking good, Moony,”

Remus couldn’t help the twitch up in his pelvis as Sirius lowered himself again, and Sirius opened his eyes, finding Remus’s gaze in surprise.

“Sorry,” Remus grunted, “getting carried away,” he said, gritting his teeth and willing himself to be still.

“No, no,” Sirius breathed, smiling.

“Do it again?” He asked tentatively as he raised himself to kneel, only connected by the tip of Remus’s cock.

Remus scanned his face to make sure Sirius was alright and saw only the heightened colour and glassy gaze of someone approaching the peak of their pleasure. He smirked in response.

“Yeah?” Remus asked.

Sirius nodded, his own lips curling into a smirk as Remus thrust up slightly, and then widening into a real smile when he did it again, but harder. He took Remus’s face in his, leaning over him from his raised position, and kissed him. When the kiss was broken by Sirius’s groan Remus found himself panting into Sirius’s mouth again, one arm wrapped around Sirius’s waist, holding him in place while he thrust into him, and the other bracing on the bed to the side of them. Then Sirius smirked into his face and let his mouth hang open to Remus with a raised brow in question.

Remus groaned in enthusiasm, picking up his speed.

“Spit, Baby,” he whimpered - almost begged really, and Sirius keened, letting a string of drool slip from his tongue into Remus’s open mouth.

Remus caught it and lunged to meet Sirius’s lips, stilling his thrusts as he pressed against Sirius kissing him hungrily and pushing the spit back with his tongue. Sirius started to grind down onto Remus, the motion causing friction on his cock between their stomachs.

“Fuck, Remus – how is this so good?” he whispered into Remus’s ear when he pulled his face into the space between Remus’s neck and shoulder, rubbing and grinding.

“I don’t know, Baby – fuck-” Remus said gasping as the pleasure built and built and he tensed for the pinnacle, “It’s never been this good, Sirius,” He heard Sirius whimper in agreement into the skin of his neck and Remus thrust once more into him.

He came. Shattered really. Waves of pleasure jolted through him as he sobbed Sirius’s name into his shoulder.

Sirius followed a moment later, spilling between them as he cried out and shuddered against Remus who gripped him tightly to his chest as they both came down.

“Remus,” Sirius mumbled a few minutes or so later when their breathing had returned to normal and they were just holding each other in the aftermath.

“Yeah?” Remus whispered back.

“I can’t stand for a shower,” he turned his head where it was laid against Remus’s shoulder to look at him.

“I could maybe make it to the bathroom, but that’s all I can promise,” he said with a shaky laugh.

Remus smiled and pushed some of the rogue hair out of Sirius’s eyes.

“Bath?” He asked in a coaxing tone, and Sirius’s face lit up at the prospect.

***

Sirius

-

Sirius rolled off of Remus eventually and he got up and threw the condom away and walked, surprisingly steadily, to the en suite.

Sirius lay sprawled on the bed, listening to the sound of the water thundering into the tub, still enjoying the throb of his muscles between his legs from their efforts just now.

A little while later, he dimly registered the water stopping and Remus sticking his gloriously messy curls out the door of the bathroom to call him over.

Sirius shuffled to the edge of the bed and got to his feet, feeling ridiculously wobbly and off balance. He took an experimental step and looked up to see Remus watching him with amusement and satisfaction.

“Is this how I look when I hobble?” Remus teased, leaning, still beautifully nude, against the bathroom doorway.

“Depends,” Sirius laughed, “Am I also ridiculously cute when I hobble or is that a special talent of yours?”

Remus snorted but he looked pleased with the flirty banter. He took pity on Sirius and took his hand, guiding him to the tub and allowing him to get in first.

Sirius settled into the gloriously hot water, only wincing a bit as his sensitive bits throbbed in the heat slightly before he relaxed. He looked up to find Remus watching still and patted his chest in invitation.

“Come on you,” Sirius smirked up at him, “Plenty room for two.”

Remus’s expression turned sheepish as it always did when Sirius initiated anything tender or affectionate. He lowered himself into the water and backed up so that he was resting between Sirius’s legs and leaning against his chest. He scooted down slightly so that he could rest his head on Sirius’s shoulder and took a deep breath, relaxing.

“You like to touch, huh?” Sirius spoke softly into Remus’s ear.

The head on his shoulder nodded wordlessly and Sirius brought his arms around him, holding him in an embrace. Remus snuggled closer.

“I noticed that you always look a little shy when I initiate it,” Sirius spoke just as softly, leaning in to kiss Remus’s temple, “and initially I worried you were overwhelmed by it-”

“I was,” Remus spoke huskily, “It was overwhelming because I’m not used to people being so ready to touch me as you’ve been from the start,” he continued.

“Was it too much?” Sirius asked cautiously.

Remus was quiet for a moment and Sirius let him have a moment to decide before he began to speak again.

“I’ve always needed touch like I’ve needed air,” Remus whispered, and Sirius held his breath, not wanting to miss any of it.

“After the diagnosis. And after mum went,” Remus paused and took a shaky breath, “It was like the only people who touched me were hurting me, taking blood, cutting into me during operations, changing dressings, or causing me to ache during therapies. All the other touching stopped. My dad stopped holding me on his lap while he read me to sleep – stopped reading me to sleep as well, now that I think of it, mum wasn’t there to hold my hand. Only Poppy ever held me again – for comfort, you know? Not to administer meds or cut me open. Then Dad fell out with her and the only way people wanted to touch me was through sex.”

He took a breath and Sirius kissed his temple to show he was still there, still listening.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Sirius said softly.

“It’s okay,” Remus responded before he went on.

“The rest of the time it was like I couldn’t breathe,” he whispered, “Like the oxygen had been removed from the room and no one could see I was clawing at my throat for air.

And then I’d find someone to hook up with and I could gasp a few mouthfuls, just in time for them to leave again and I’d be suffocating again.”

Sirius found he had to clear his throat to speak again.

“Your poem,” he started cautiously, and when Remus made a sound of question he elaborated.

“The one you wrote on Thursday,” Sirius clarified, feeling Remus swallow nervously.

“The walls of the house shriek
Like I have every time I reach for someone who is already pulling away” Sirius quoted.

Remus turned to look at him in surprise.

“You memorized that?” He asked.

Sirius nodded, meeting his eyes.

“When I read it I felt like I’d had the air punched out of me,” he said honestly.

“I know loneliness, Moony,” Sirius said softly, “I reach out and touch because I know what it’s like to be left wanting for it,” he said seriously into Remus’s wide eyes.

“My parents weren’t affectionate at all,” Sirius continued in a low voice that was also so, so bitter.

Remus’s eyes softened further.

“They thought it was improper to show physical affection,” Sirius went on and then paused, “and then the only time they did anything physical it was to punish us,” he finished blandly.

He felt Remus fumbling in the water for his hand, squeezing gently, anchoring Sirius.

“You and me," Sirius said, looking at Remus, "We fit so well because we’re two sides of the same coin,” Sirius said with a shrug, smiling sadly at him, “We’re made of the same metal, but from two separate forges. The same but different.”

“Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same…” Remus murmured to Sirius with wide eyes.

They took a second to inhale and exhale as they looked into each other’s eyes.

Sirius raised one of his hands to cradle Remus’s cheek.

“You can breathe when I’m around?” He asked softly, and Remus nodded.

“Being with you feels like a dam bursting inside me,” Sirius admitted, holding his gaze, “it feels like I’ve been bursting at the seams for years, and now whatever’s there finally has somewhere to go.”

Remus’s mouth quirked to the side.

“I feel like that might just be the fact that you’re finally not trying to be straight,” he said with a raised brow.

Sirius snorted in amusement.

“I’m sure it’s part of it,” he admitted, “But I think it’s also just you,” he went on.

“All of my life I was trying to shove myself into a mold that wouldn’t fit. I was always bursting the seams and breaking the box, rather than conforming. And after that, I was always squashing myself down into someone who didn’t feel so much, say so much… love so much.” He said this last part softly and saw Remus’s eyes flicker before he hurried on, “I’ve been too much my whole life, but with you, it’s like-”

“I can’t get enough of it,” Remus nodded desperately, “Be more, please – I’ll take everything I can get,” he laughed breathily, and Sirius suspected he was only partially kidding.

He laughed and smiled at Remus who matched his expression.

He wondered why he couldn’t just say it.

Remus hadn’t said it either, it was true, but they were both dancing around the truth, toeing the line so closely that a single gust of wind would send them over.

Sirius had come close, just then, but he’d stopped himself from crossing the threshold entirely.

As he pondered why he couldn’t tell Remus that he loved him Remus swallowed and made moves to get out of the tub.

“Come on,” he smirked to Sirius, “If we don’t get out of this cooling water we’ll follow another Wuthering Heights trope and find ourselves convalescing of Pneumonia.

Sirius laughed and accepted Remus's hand.

Notes:

For the purposes of this fic, yes, Remus's bathtub is in fact big enough to fit 2 6ft+ men in it comfortably *hand waves*

As always, thank you for reading, commenting, and leaving Kudos <3

Chapter 35: Kiss You Once, Coz I Know You Had a Long Night, Kiss You Twice Coz It's Gonne be Alright, Three Times Coz You Waited Your Whole Life.

Summary:

Okay so I know by my estimate this was going to be the last chapter, but I just can't get enough of these boys so there's probably going to be 2 more by my reckoning.

Life assumes a new routine

TW: This chapter indulged in a bit of Snape Slander, in which Sirius tells Remus about how the Marauders engaged in some well-meaning but morally grey tactics to prevent Snape from getting away with his crap during their time in Secondary school. Trigger warnings for online harassment (nothing is detailed or specific).

Sirius

-

The weeks which followed were marked by a relative shift back to normality.

In that there were no drastic shifts in relationships or deaths in the family, no major illness flares to contend with, and, now that Phoenix owned the Jargon, no workplace harassment to fight.

Now that Remus was coming out of his flare, he and Sirius began to develop a routine.

Sirius continued to stay at James’s during the week. The flat was on the market, but he was in no hurry to find a replacement, and James was over the moon to have Sirius around more often. He also didn’t want to push things with Remus too soon.

They’d already spent the first 3 weeks of their relationship virtually in each other’s pockets, and while for the most part it had suited them, they had both agreed that now that things were calmer, they should try and do the thing properly. Which meant not acting like they were married 3 weeks in and before they'd even put a label on their relationship.

That didn’t mean they didn’t see each other. Each weekday morning, Sirius met Remus at the coffee cart for a progressively less shitty coffee (Moody finally caught the hint) and some variation of scone, muffin, or pastry, and an energizing early morning flirt.

Remus resumed his work at the Jargon, albeit mostly from home.

It drastically improved his recovery from his recent flare that he could mitigate the exhaustion of commuting, and structure his life around good food, regular therapy, and gentle exercise.

As their lives settled, they got to know each other in their everyday lives.

Sirius learned that Remus could not have coffee after midday – otherwise, he’d be up tossing and turning, unable to turn his brain off. He also confirmed his suspicion that Remus internalised his anxiety, controlling it with exercise and writing, but he had to be prompted to talk things through that were bugging him, whereas Sirius was more inclined to word vomit his worries all over the place or lash out when he felt defensive or upset.

He learned that Remus preferred Earl Grey to English Breakfast tea. That he preferred red meat to white, but he hardly ate it because it wasn’t RA-friendly.

In turn, Remus had been horrified to learn that Sirius drank up to 5 cups of coffee in a day when he worked and routinely forgot to eat, even while he insisted on making sure Remus ate regularly and told him off when he didn’t.

Over the weekend, they gave in to the pulling of the invisible string and Sirius stayed over at Remus’s.

On Saturday night Remus had invited the gang around to his house, and most of them stayed over until Sunday, falling asleep in the spare room or on the living room couches, having become positively trolleyed (with the exception of Lily and Remus) playing a drinking game.

That night, Sirius had fallen asleep in James’s lap but found himself being spooned by Remus in his bed when he’d woken in the early morning. When Sirius had asked how he got there, Remus had just buried his head in Sirius’s neck and laughed.

Sirius eventually got it out of him.

It turned out that when Remus had come to fetch Sirius to bed the night before, Sirius had shaken his head in alarm, slurred that he had a boyfriend, and said that even though Remus was a beautiful stranger, Sirius wasn’t interested.

Remus had to promise Sirius (while fighting his hardest to keep a straight face) that his intentions were totally pure and that he was just trying to make sure Sirius slept warm and comfortably until his boyfriend got back, at which point Sirius had agreed and fallen up the stairs and into Remus’s bed where he’d curled into a ball and begun to snore loudly.

Remus had fulfilled his promise not to touch Sirius. That was until Sirius had apparently rolled over in the wee hours of the next morning and pulled Remus closer in his sleep, at which point Remus had decided that unconscious Sirius knew it was really Remus and not the ‘beautiful stranger’ and had given in to holding Sirius through the rest of the night.

The rest of that Sunday had been a quiet affair. Remus had taken Sirius to a park he loved to frequent, armed with a blanket and 2 books, and they’d lazed in the shade of a tree with Sirius pillowed on his lap as he read aloud to Remus from Jane Eyre.

The next week had been chaos.

Marlene and Sirius had had their noses to their worktops as they prepped frantically for the garden show that Black Rose Florists was showing at that weekend coming.

The week was marked by long days punctuated by the breakfast meetings with Remus and lunch drop-ins from Peter and James - both terrified that Sirius would work through and neglect to eat or take breaks. This always happened when Sirius got a project - he’d get total tunnel vision, something that Remus commented on over Facetime on Wednesday night while Sirius worked late, organizing what he’d need to start putting together the mini bouquets the next day.

“Sirius,” Remus said in an amused tone, before repeating himself a little louder.

“Sirius!”

“Sorry, Moony, I got distracted,” Sirius apologized, looking up from his list to make sure it was all prepped.

“You must have done excellently in school - such focus!” Remus laughed, leaning against his kitchen counter and looking at Sirius fondly through the screen.

“Ah, not exactly,” Sirius laughed, “I did well in the things I cared about, but I tended to reserve my focus for more important matters,” he smirked at Remus while he closed his book and leaned on his own bench top.

“Like?”

“Pranks,” Sirius grinned mischievously.

“So, the lube-glue art project wasn’t the extent of your genius?” Remus asked in faux shock.

Sirius laughed and shook his head.

“There was this one guy who somehow brown-nosed his way into being a prefect, even though he was the biggest bully there was - he harassed Evans (that’s Lily to you,) and was generally a class A prick,”

“Mhmm,” Remus nodded, listening intently.

“And James, Pete, and I decided that we were not about to let him get away with his shit.”

“I’d expect nothing less – what did you do?”

“Well, it also involved lube,” Sirius smirked as Remus laughed.

“Let’s just say he got to his ‘prefect office’ one day, and found all of his belongings covered in tinfoil. And when he unwrapped it all, he discovered that we’d drenched it all in kiwi-fruit flavoured lube first, so half of it was ruined, and the rest of it reeked like lube until his time as prefect came to an end because someone,” Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius’s tone “convinced Lily to show the principal – Mrs. McGonagall - his truly repellent messages over Facebook.”

“She didn’t do that in the first place? Lily doesn’t strike me as a person who would put up with that,” Remus commented with a frown.

“They were really good friends in primary,” Sirius shrugged, “He was manipulating her and she tried to give him the benefit of the doubt for a long time until she found out he was also harassing other girls and decided to come forward.”

“And the other girls, were they alright?” Remus asked in concern.

“Well,” Sirius bit his lip, “the other girls were just me, James, and Pete, catfishing him as girls starting in the new semester and who had been “given his details by the school leadership” for mentorship purposes.”

Remus snorted and covered his face.

“We didn’t even have to twist his arm either,” Sirius said with distaste, “We just struck up a conversation with him, and a few days in he was being inappropriate and we had our proof to bring to Evans that what he was doing was not isolated to her and she reported him.”

“Fucking hell,” Remus breathed, “Well at least we know that your crusade against injustice doesn’t start and end with me then,” he said with a soft teasing smile, which Sirius returned.

“It definitely didn’t start with you, but it definitely inspired a resurgence,” he quipped.

“Oh, so I inspire you?” Remus flirted and Sirius felt himself blush.

“More and more every day, my Moony,” Sirius felt his head tilt and he stared love into the eyes of the man staring back at him through the screen.

They still hadn’t said it. A week and a half after Sirius had sat in the bath with Remus and wondered why they hadn’t, he still didn’t have a good reason. They also hadn’t talked about drunk Sirius calling Remus his boyfriend, with Sirius being so consumed with trying to get the mattress to swallow him and Remus trying to reassure Sirius that he found him to be a ridiculously sweet drunk.

Remus took a deep breath.

“How long does the show go for this weekend?” he asked with a slightly desperate edge to his voice.

“9-4.30 on Saturday and 10-2 on Sunday,” Sirius said and tried to push back the urge to ask if he could just say fuck their agreement and come over that night anyway.

“Will you need some help?” Remus asked in a shy voice.

“There may be a place for a particularly tall, freckled man with beautiful eyes at our stall,” Sirius smirked, “why, did you know one who’d be keen to help?”

“Most definitely,” Remus deadpanned, “I have a waiting list of at least three I can call right now,” he nodded.

Sirius nodded with faux seriousness as he considered this.

“I’ll need to shortlist them myself; you understand – they’ll be fronting for my business after all,” he responded, “And we’ll need someone who the older ladies will trust,” he felt the corner of his lips twitch, “Marlene and I tend to be rather polarizing.”

Remus hummed, his own mask cracking into a warm smile.

“Hmmmm, good, more for me then,” he almost growled.

“Really? I’m sure Marlene will be thrilled,” Sirius teased, his tongue poking between his teeth as Remus rolled his eyes.

“You’ll still sleep over those nights?” Remus asked hopefully.

“Wild horses couldn’t stop me,” Sirius replied, smirk softening into something warm and happy.

“Good,” Remus’s smile turned a bit dirty, “Because now you’ve got me thinking about the possibilities of flavoured lube.”

***

Remus

-

Sirius was a force when he had a project.

Remus already knew this because he’d been Sirius’s last project – or rather his workplace harassment had been.

But there was something particularly thrilling about watching Sirius tornado through his prep for the flower show, on Saturday morning.

Sirius had, as promised, stayed the night before. Remus had made him dinner – chicken wraps and roast veggies – and Sirius had fallen asleep in his lap as they watched a tv show on Remus’s couch.

The next morning, Sirius apologised to Remus for not being more fun, to which Remus snorted and told him not to be silly. They had all the time in the world for fooling around. And besides, Remus thought privately that he took quite a bit of pleasure just in holding Sirius while he unwound and got the rest he needed.

Right now, Remus was making himself useful, laying out tablecloths with James while Sirius and Marlene used their van to put together the finishing touches for their display, and getting ice to put into the flower vases to help prevent them from wilting in the heat.

James – as Remus had become accustomed to – was bouncing from one topic to the other, perfectly content that the links between them made sense ( at least to him.) This time, he’d gone from discussing Lily’s morning sickness to inviting Remus to a surprise party for Pete’s birthday (“It’s at a restaurant – he’s always going on about how just once he wants to eat at a place where he hasn’t had to cook the meal!”) and then switching to asking Remus if he’d given any more thought to the job offer from the foundation.

Remus winced in discomfort at the subject change.

The truth was he had been thinking about it a lot.

Remus had been back to business as usual at the Jargon for 2 weeks now. He’d been going through all of the motions with signing off articles and approving sponsors, and he’d found a group of contributors to dilute the pool of the chronic illness column to reflect more experiences, and had the great pleasure of watching Fenrir Greyback leaving his office, a box of his personal belongings under his arm after the audit James had ordered had exposed all of his bullying and dodgy dealings on Albus’s behalf. And since Greyback was primarily contracted to The Jargon’s legal team, Greater Good couldn’t protect him and so James fired him.

But even though Remus now had the flexibility he needed to do his job, and the budget to make the Jargon everything it could be, he couldn’t help but feel exhausted by it all.

He wanted to write, but his job was 85% admin, and 15% writing, and that was before you factored in the expansion of the role that James was offering.

He’d received the paperwork – the offer was good – but when Remus thought about adding to his load - of having to lean into the chronically ill position yet again, even for the right cause, he just felt so tired.

So he’d been putting James off, riddled with guilt that he felt so pre-emptively exhausted at having to pick up the mantle ad fight the cause that he felt like he’d been fighting his whole adult life. Wasn't he supposed to feel excited at the opportunity to make a difference? Wasn't he supposed to leap at the opportunity to make sure people were trained well to provide treatment to people like him?

Luckily for Remus, he didn’t have to make an excuse for his humming and haring because just then Sirius and Marlene came over, pulling flatbeds of arrangements behind them toward the stall. Both he and James rushed over to steady the precarious-looking loads and helped transport the arrangements onto the display.

Remus had a quiet thrill when he recognized one of the bouquets that Sirius had put together for Lyall’s funeral, recreated for the event as an exemplar of the unique and bespoke work they created at Sirius’s shop and sitting alongside some of Sirius’s other truly breath-taking creations.

Remus felt his heart swell with pride at Sirius’s – and of course Marlene’s – work in the lead-up to that event.

He knew that back at the shop there were virtually identical backups of all of these pieces in case the hot weather absolutely decimated the displays and they had to be chucked. At the front of the stand stood a smaller display of little bouquets that Sirius had finally caved into making on the condition that he’d make absolutely no pure pastel arrangements.

The bouquets were eerily similar to the creation that Sirius had made for Remus when they’d had their dinner date a fortnight ago. They were miniature explosions of red, gold, yellow, and orange, softened by the whimsical tones of bluebells and cosmos and daisies. Remus bit back a smile. He was in the process of drying that bouquet, as well as the other arrangement that Sirius had brought over since when he came to stay for the previous weekend.

The day went by in a blur. Remus sold the little bouquets while Sirius took consultations for wedding bookings and other big events and Marlene ran to and from the van to stock up on ice, little bouquets, and flyers.

James was on well-being duty, so when he wasn’t browsing the other stalls with Lily, he was bringing over iced drinks and sandwiches. Occasionally, Remus would feel Sirius touch his waist softly to check he didn’t need a break from being on his feet, and Sirius would take over selling and Remus would sit for a while, taking pressure off his joints and bantering with Sirius between customers.

The first day of the show was an enormous success, with Sirius lining up a few future gigs and giving out his details to a few potential long-term clients who were interested in his arrangements for their company events and incentives. They’d also completely sold out of the smaller bouquets by about 3. Remus had taken quite a bit of joy from watching couples eye the bouquets before purchasing for each other, or in the little girls and boys running over with a note scrunched into their palms to buy a bouquet for their mums and grannies.

Regulus had even dropped by and done an hour or so at the stall, selling while Remus took a break and earning a smile from Sirius that made Remus want to squeeze the life from Reg for putting it there.

They got back to Remus’s house on Saturday night armed with pizza, and brought the box up to Remus’s room to eat it in bed, only to wake up the next morning tangled around each other still in their clothes from the day before, the half-eaten box of pizza lying somewhere on the foot of the bed, forgotten while they’d fallen asleep mid-dinner.

Sunday at the show was not as chaotic as the previous day. Sirius had just as many consultations, but they didn’t get through half of the bouquets.

Remus was privately a bit glad they weren’t busy – Sirius had told Marlene to take a few days off, having an instinct that it wouldn’t be as busy, and seeing that she was running on fumes.

Sirius was too.

Remus would have been concerned if Sirius hadn’t already decided to close the shop on Monday to recuperate from the show. He hadn’t told Sirius, but he’d also organised his day so that he didn’t need to go anywhere or do anything. Working from home the last 2 weeks had meant Remus was actually ahead of schedule on the next edition of the Jargon, so, apart from a hydra therapy session in the morning, Remus planned to spend the whole day helping Sirius recuperate.

At about 1 pm, Sirius asked James and Lily to take the remainder of the bouquets and distribute them to the other stalls and stores. At Remus’s curiously raised brows, Sirius just blushed and mumbled something about not letting the bouquets go to waste and it being a good advertising opportunity.

They’d packed up after 2, and Remus stood to the side, taking some time to catch his breath. He closed his eyes and tilted his head towards the sun and was not at all surprised to feel long arms snake around his waist, and a head pressed against the back of his shoulder.

“Ready to go?” Sirius mumbled into Remus’s shirt.

“So ready,” Remus sighed, “But isn’t there more to pack down?”

“James told me to get lost, said he’d sort it out, and take the van back to that shop for me.”

“Good sort that James,” Remus said thoughtfully, his hands gripping Sirius’s arms and rubbing soft circles on the skin of his hands.

“Hmmm,” Sirius hummed into Remus’s back, causing Remus to shiver even in the afternoon sun, “I think he saw how I was eyeing you like I wanted to eat you whole and wanted to save himself the bail and prevent me from getting arrested for public indecency.”

Remus chuckled and turned in Sirius’s arms to face him.

Sirius smiled in satisfaction and buried his head in Remus’s chest while Remus circled his back with his arms.
“That’s rich coming from you,” Remus mumbled into Sirius’s hair, “Mr. chooses the tightest jeans he has to wear to a family event,”

Sirius snorted.

“What can I say? We only have the rest of the afternoon and evening to er, catch up,” Sirius eyed Lily passing by them with a knowing smirk, “I had to make sure we didn’t waste any time when we get back to yours.”

“About that,” Remus smiled then leaned back to look down at Sirius who was looking up at him expectantly, “I may have organised my day tomorrow to er, -catch up, was it? – with you.”

Sirius’s responding smile outshone the sun.

“I have some therapy in the morning at the pool,” Remus continued, “But if you want me, then I’m yours for the rest of the day.”

Sirius reached up and kissed Remus on the nose.

“I always want you, Moony,” he smirked, “now let’s get the fuck home – please.”

Notes:

Yes, I stole the idea of Sirius getting drunk and not recognizing Remus from a few tiktoks. Sue me, I thought it was cute. I couldn't find the original creator to credit them so if you know then please let me know :)

Thank you for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos <3

Chapter 36: Oh, Lord Save Me My Drug Is My Baby, I'll Be Using For the Rest of My Life

Summary:

Some Fluffy Smut for you, and and important decision for Remus.

TW: explicit sex

Remus

-

Later that Sunday night, after Sirius was asleep and Remus was lying holding him to his chest, still awake as the hour neared 1 am, he reflected that it had been an honest-to-God miracle that they made it through the door in the aftermath of the flower show.

They’d caught an Uber to Remus’s and he’d been hard-pressed (pun absolutely intended) to keep from having Sirius on the backseat, driver and windows be damned.

It had started after they’d piled into the back of the Uber and Remus had been making small talk with the driver only to feel Sirius place his hand on his thigh – higher than was strictly appropriate for a relatively public situation. Remus had to fake a cough to cover the hitch in his voice mid-sentence when he’d felt Sirius’s thumb making circles toward the inside of his thigh, and it became clear that flustering Remus was exactly Sirius’s intention when Remus had shot him a pointed brow raise only to meet Sirius’s coy smile and brief fluttering eye-lashes in conjunction with a careful squeeze less than an inch from Remus’s crotch.

Remus smirked against Sirius’s hair from where they lay tangled together in the bed, remembering the scene.

He suppressed a smug hum when he remembered how he’d made a pretense of fixing his headrest following Sirius’s antics and given himself the opportunity to shift closer to Sirius and duck his head down to nibble on Sirius’s earlobe and then retreat, quick as a flash – as if it had never really happened – leaving Sirius spluttering and breathing heavily when Remus had slipped his hand onto Sirius’s thigh, dangerously close to the already hard appendage that Remus could see bulging from Sirius’s jeans. Two could play at that game, he reflected.

So yes, they’d made it through the door – barely – before Remus had slammed Sirius into the shut front door and kissed the living shit out of his smirking, filthy mouth.

It had been quick and rough and incredible, with Sirius showing a fantastic presence of mind to carry a little bottle of lube and a box of rubbers in his backpack – “I like to be prepared,” he’d smirked -and afterward they’d laid together on the couch, panting with satisfied smiles. Remus smiled now when he thought about the soft words that had followed their romp.

“I was so fucking proud of you this weekend,” Remus had whispered, pressing a kiss to Sirius’s neck and snuggling closer.

He’d been momentarily panicked when Sirius hadn’t immediately responded, but then he’d looked up and seen Sirius’s face – entirely overcome, swallowing like he was trying to suppress something that was getting harder and harder to keep from saying. Remus knew the feeling and so he’d just reached up and pressed another kiss to his lips this time, until Sirius had finally responded, breaking the kiss.

“Having you there was the highlight of the whole thing,” he’d murmured, holding Remus’s gaze with a melting softness.

And now Remus was holding that softness in his arms while he himself struggled to sleep, anticipating his plans for the next day.

He felt a little ridiculous if he was being truthful. Sirius had asked to read more if Remus wanted to show him his writing. And Remus wanted him to read more. Particularly the last entry. He felt a thrill go through him when he thought about Sirius reading his words.

His rational brain knew there was nothing to worry about. He was too much of an overthinker not to have played the moments back to himself. He didn’t think that Sirius would be unkind or dismissive. But there was still something horrifying about exposing himself like that. And he’d already exposed so much of himself to Sirius – there was always the chance that this would be the one thing to drive him away. Remus knew he had to try though. He knew that he had to try and allow himself to be open to the idea of someone knowing him – understanding him, witnessing his joy and pain and desire in their varied forms, and giving them the power to use it against him but trusting that they wouldn’t.

Remus took a deep breath and felt Sirius squirm against his chest.

“I can hear your brain,” Sirius mumbled sleepily.

“Oh, yeah? What’s it playing?” Remus asked with quiet teasing, leaning down to kiss Sirius’s temple.

Sirius paused thoughtfully; his eyes still closed.

“Under Pressure,” he nodded decidedly before blinking his eyes open and resting them on Remus with an adorably dopey grin.

Remus chuckled.

“You’re pretty close,” he nodded with a sigh.

“Everything alright?” Sirius asked in concern.

“Mhm,” Remus nodded, tilting his head to look at Sirius where he lay on his chest.

Sirius scooted up so that his head was on Remus’s pillow, facing him on his side and Remus shifted to match him. Then he lifted his hands to take Remus’s face between them and leaned in for a kiss.
It was languid and sleepy – a kiss that said ‘I have all of the time in the world to do this, and if I didn’t, I’d make the time’ and Remus felt himself relax into it, reciprocating as the kiss continued its slow and measured pace. Remus tested how far Sirius wanted it to go with the light touch of his tongue to Sirius’s lips and was delighted to feel Sirius’s lips parting and his breath dancing across his lips and cheeks. He tasted like the last remaining tang of toothpaste and the lingering sweetness of honey in tea and Remus drank him in like he’d been dying of thirst for years. His arms circled Sirius’s waist and pulled him tightly against him. Sirius made a noise of approval, his own hands slipping from Remus’s cheeks to grip Remus’s t-shirt at the back.

“Want some help getting out of your head?” Sirius asked against Remus’s lips, nipping at his lips with his teeth and rolling his hips into Remus’s in illustration of just how that might be achieved.

“Hmm,” Remus hummed in approval and felt Sirius shiver against him when he pressed his pelvis firmly against Sirius.

Sirius removed his grip from Remus’s t-shirt and instead replaced them around Remus’s neck, trying impossibly to bring them closer and deepen the kiss.

Not quite out of his head yet, Remus took a second to observe the way that this felt. With Sirius pressed against him in the wee hours of the morning. He could feel every inch of Sirius pressed against him, wrapped around him.

The warmth of Sirius’s mouth was still languid and savoring, sucking and moving – making no moves to hurry along or develop the activity. He was drinking Remus in, fusing their tongues lips like he could fuse themselves – their very beings – together. His arms around Remus kept tugging him closer, the one hand finding its way to the back of Remus’s head, carding his fingers through the curls that Sirius had washed again earlier in the shower and then moving to the back of his neck, stroking tenderly. Sirius always slept shirtless and Remus was so very grateful because it meant he could feel the softness of his skin stretched over the broad planes of his torso, the muscles rippling and flexing with every labored breath and roll of his hips. He took a second to run the tips of his fingers up Sirius’s side, fingernails just grazing the skin and causing Sirius to gasp and writhe at the sensation. Unable to help it, Remus took Sirius’s breaking of the kiss as his opportunity to kiss down Sirius’s neck, savoring the slightly salty flavor of his skin in conjunction with the heady scent in the hollow of his throat. A scent so uniquely Sirius that Remus would know it even if he went a hundred years without the privilege of being able to inhale at the source.

Sirius began to tug gently at Remus’s t-shirt and Remus broke the suction on his neck to help him remove the clothing article. Once he was shot of it, Sirius pushed Remus back so that he was no longer on his side, scooted down on the mattress, and climbed over Remus so that he could press kisses down his chest, lingering to swirl his tongue over his nipple, nibbling ever so gently and causing Remus to suck in a harsh breath. When Sirius began to move downwards toward the waistband of Remus’s pajama pants, Remus stopped him and tugged him back.

Sirius obliged and pecked his lips before settling onto Remus’s chest with his arms folded, looking up at him with a softness that made Remus shatter inside.

“Everything ok, Moony?”

Remus cleared his throat, knowing he must look nervous.

“Yeah,” he began huskily, trailing a finger across Sirius’s cheekbone and down the sharp jawline, fingers feeling the stubble starting to grow there, “Just-” he cut himself off.

“We don’t have to do anything, sweetheart,” Sirius said softly, looking up at Remus with big silver tones eyes in the dark of the room, “Do you want some tea?”

Remus smiled then.

He could trust Sirius. He knew that like he knew nothing else. He knew it with a conviction that was incompatible with their month of knowing each other, but Sirius had shown him that he was trustworthy even as he’d trusted Remus in return. He’d trusted Remus with his story, with his pain and terror, with his first time with a man – Sirius had trusted Remus with it all, and taken on everything that Remus had given him in return. Remus swallowed the lump of emotion that welled up at the enormity of all of it.

“Could you top this time?” Remus whispered before he could lose his nerve, “It’s okay if you don’t want to-” His budding ramble was cut off by Sirius’s soft peck to the corner of his mouth.

“Yeah, of course,” Sirius replied, looking down at Remus with something like softness and a little like concern, “I’ve just never-”

“I know,” Remus resumed his stroking of Sirius’s side, “I trust you though.”

“You’ll tell me if I do something wrong?” Sirius asked softly, eyes shining at the admission and with a bit of excitement that made Remus smirk slightly.

“If you’re as careful with me in this as you are with everything else then I don’t think I have anything to worry about, but yes, I promise.”

Sirius leaned down again and took Remus’s lips in a kiss that said more than either of them could ever say with words – more even than Remus thought he could ever say with his writing.

Thank you for trusting me it said.

This is everything it said.

I Lo… Remus caught himself before he read that into the kiss. Sirius deserved to say that when he chose to – with words, even as his actions told Remus everything he needed to know.

Sirius sat up then and fished around in the bedside drawer, pulling out a condom and the lube while Remus shoved the rest of his clothes off.

Sirius took a moment to look at Remus when he knelt back as he always did, biting his lips in desire and making Remus feel simultaneously shy and like he was king of the world. Then he took his own sweats off and placed himself between Remus’s bent legs. He leaned down and placed an open-mouthed kiss below Remus’s navel, just above where his cock was lying hard against his abdomen, dying for touch. He obliged then, palming Remus with one hand and lifting one of his legs over his shoulder for the access he needed to prepare him.

Sirius removed the hand palming Remus and lubed his fingers, leaning forward to slowly circle Remus’s entrance with a slippery finger before dipping it in and causing Remus to gasp. Sirius’s head snapped up to look at Remus, who hastily nodded for Sirius to keep going. When he sunk his finger deeper Remus moaned as Sirius worked him open with gentle strokes.

After a while Sirius gently added a second finger, eyes flashing back up to Remus and smiling when he heard and saw Remus moan again at the addition. Illustrating a stunning ability to multitask, Sirius dipped his head forward while he fingered Remus, and licked up Remus’s length causing him to shudder with Sirius’s name on his lips. This would not take long he realised.

When Sirius added another finger, Remus had to bite his lower lip and whimpered.

“Baby,” he whispered desperately, “For god’s sake…”

Sirius chuckled.

“Okay for me to continue then?” He asked with a small smirk.

“If you don’t soon then this will be over before you even get going,” Remus laughed.

Sirius laughed as well and shifted closer slipping the condom over his own weeping cock, then lining himself up with Remus’s entrance and pushing forward gently, eyes flicking between their joining and Remus’s face so quickly that Remus worried that his eyes might malfunction and roll out his skull if he kept that up. When the head of his cock was past the tight ring of muscle the eye flicking stopped and Remus watched Sirius’s eyes flutter backward into his skull with the sensation. Remus’s leg slipped sideways off of Sirius’s shoulder and Sirius leaned forward to meet Remus’s lips again as he slowly sheathed himself on Remus who groaned into the contact, slipping his hand into Sirius’s locks, overwhelmed by Sirius above him, inside him. Then Sirius began to move and Remus saw heaven.

It didn’t take very long at all – for either of them. And Sirius was as gentle and considerate about it as Remus had known he would be.

After, when Sirius and he had lain together, still fused together in the aftermath of release - both of them feeling the pull of sleep even as they pressed soft kisses on the other’s faces, necks, and hair - Remus reflected that it hadn’t been like any of the other times that they had had. But then none of the other times had been alike either – each one had been a new level of attraction, of experimentation, of intimacy.

But this time had a new level of softness – of care and, yes, love.

“Baby?” Remus asked after a few minutes.

“Moony?” Sirius mumbled back.

“Do you think James would hate me if I declined his offer to consult?”

Sirius sat up and considered Remus for a moment.

“I know for a fact he wouldn’t,” he said tilting his head in curiosity, “what made you come to that decision?”

“Ever since he asked me I’ve just had this gut feeling,” Remus started, “It was like a wave of exhaustion settled over me when he asked – like I was anticipating going to war again.”

Sirius was quiet for a second and Remus anticipated getting a telling-off, but instead, Sirius settled back onto Remus’s chest like he’d done when they’d paused earlier.

“You’ve kind of been at war your whole life, haven’t you?” he asked softly, looking at Remus like he thought he might understand.

“It feels like it, yeah…” Remus admitted.

“It feels like I’ve always had to fight for every bit of room I’ve been allowed. And I know that others have it so much worse-”

“Moony, you don’t have to put a caveat there, I know that there are people who struggle more, but that doesn’t take away from what you’ve had to go through. And just because some people have it worse doesn’t mean you have to keep killing yourself just to prove you belong where you are.”

Remus felt like he’d had the wind knocked out of him. That was exactly how he felt. Like he owed it to everyone who had it worse or had it different to fight. Like he was wasting his relative luck of the draw by just letting himself be, recover, and live.

“You don’t think I’m a coward for wanting to enjoy the position I have for a while before I pick up the mantle again?” He asked in a small voice.

“No, sweetheart,” Sirius said equally quietly, “You’ve been through a meat mincer recently, and definitely in the years gone by. You’re not tapping out completely, you’re stopping yourself from burning out. You’re allowed to live, Remus – that’s the whole point of fighting in the first place – so that when the time comes you can stand under your vine and fig tree and find your peace.”

Remus bit his lip and nodded, overwhelmed.

“James will understand,” Sirius continued, leaning in to kiss Remus’s forehead, “And if I know him, if you ever wanted to pick up the role, he’d be just as keen to make space for you in the future as he is now.”

He took a deep breath and sighed out an exhale, feeling a weight lift from him for the first time in weeks as Sirius disappeared into the bathroom to dispose of the condom, and brought out a washcloth soaked with warm water to clean them up. Then he tucked Remus into his chest, turning his so that he could be the little spoon, and kissed his curls.

“You don’t have to earn the right to be here, Moony,” He whispered as Remus snuggled in, “The world is a better place for having you in it, you don’t have to prove a thing - and if anyone ever makes you feel like you do just point me in their direction and I'll sort them out.”

Remus huffed a laugh and felt Sirius smile into his shoulder as they drifted off.

Notes:

Second to last chapter alert!
Thank you for reading <3

Chapter 37: I Hope You Don't Mind That I Put Down In Words How Wonderful Life Is Now You're In The World.

Summary:

The last chapter!
I'm not crying! You're crying!

TW: explicit sex, toe curling fluff

Sirius

-

On Monday morning Sirius woke up with Remus and brought him coffee while he readied himself for his therapy session. After he’d seen Remus off at the door, exchanging kisses and see-you-soon’s, Sirius did a quick tidy around the house and then found himself yawning widely over a cup of tea. He decided that he might as well sneak another nap before Remus got home.

He pulled on one of Remus’s jumpers, fell into his side of the bed, and drifted off with an early morning breeze tickling his skin.

A while later, Sirius woke to the feeling of a finger stroking the line of his nose softly.

He opened his eyes to see Remus gazing down at him from where he sat on the edge of the bed. His hand dropped from tracing the line of his nose and brow to cupping his cheek.

“Hey,” Sirius spoke groggily, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep so long, I wanted to be awake when you got home,”

“It’s okay, you had a crazy week,” Remus tilted his head in amusement, “You’re allowed to rest, Baby.”

Sirius felt his heart squeeze the way it always did at the endearment. He sat up and leaned in to steal a ‘hello again’ kiss.

“What’s the time?” He asked.

“Just after 10,” Remus answered dropping a brown paper bag onto Sirius’s lap and passing him a takeaway cup.

Sirius opened the bag and smiled brightly at the cranberry and macadamia scone inside.

“There’s some butter in there too and I brought a plate and a knife,” Remus smirked - indicating with his head to the bedside table where the cutlery and crockery sat waiting.

Sirius hummed following a sip of a perfectly decent latte from the cart.

“Thank you Moony,” Sirius smiled around another sip.

Remus looked pleased. He also looked a little nervous – like he had before they’d made love in the early am. Sirius felt warm gooeyness at the memory warring with lingering concern over what was bothering Remus.

“Remus,” Sirius began cautiously, “are you okay? It’s just you seem… anxious. Are you still worrying about James?”

Remus rubbed the back of his neck in that characteristic gesture of sheepishness that was simultaneously endearing and a tad worrying.

“Not really, I ah - I have something for you, actually.”

“Oh?” Sirius asked, feeling a mixture of confusion and piqued.

Remus nodded, his cheeks colouring slightly as the nervous expression shifted into something sweet and shy. Sirius couldn’t help it, he put the scone down and leaned in to kiss Remus’s cheek, his fingers brushing his chin softly.

“What is it?” He asked in anticipation looking into the deep brown depths of Remus’s eyes.

Remus leaned down and picked a box up off the ground holding it in his lap while Sirius craned his neck to see into the depths.

Inside there were stacked all of Remus’s journals. All of the leather-bound books that littered Remus’s tables and crevices of his sofas and bookshelves were organised, spine side up, with the dates the journal was in used written neatly in black marker along the spine of each.

“Remus,” Sirius murmured in wonder, “Are you sure?”

Remus looked up from the box and met Sirius’s eyes again. He nodded with a tentative smile.

“You said you wanted to read them,” He started shyly, “And I’ve wanted you to read them for a while…” He trailed off.

Sirius felt his heart squeeze tight at the trust Remus was showing him, placing his hand over Remus’s where he touched the spines.

“Moony…” Sirius felt himself trailing off.

Remus reached into the box and pulled out one of the journals. He passed it to Sirius with eyes the size of dinner plates and he took it, turning the spine to see that it was the most recently written in.

Remus cleared his throat.

“Um. I realise that the standard way to read these things is to start from the beginning, but I’d like you to start with the last entry…”

Sirius glanced up and saw Remus wince, his face making a journey between embarrassment, shyness, earnestness, and… was that hope?

“Can I read it now?” Sirius asked trying to suppress the excitement he felt at being given this gift.

Remus nodded and Sirius flipped the pages of the journal, thumbing through until he came to the very last entry.

 

My lover is a dewy meadow of Cosmos in early Summer - soft under my fingertips, crystal drops of moisture cooling and soothing to touch rubbed raw and red.

He radiates the warmth of a sun under my cheek – solid like the earth that nourishes the new growth. Burning like the brightest star in the night sky. When I wake with my head on his chest in the morning, the rumble of his voice is the rich soil of potential. When he speaks words of affection, I feel the sun dappling on my cheeks and watch the colours burst behind my lids.

To look at him is a gift – as unique as every petal - miraculous when unclothed like flowers under the open sky. Like the bloom, he is ever-changing consistency – named for an ecosystem ordered in its own way around the chaos of the universe. Organic and full of intent, light and dark, serene and wrathful, sacred and profane – consecrated for me alone.

You are the meadows of stars that are the madness and order of the world combined in your garnet tongue and bruised pink lips. Narrowed eyelids around incandescent starlit eyes. No pattern to its seeding, no reliability to its colouring, yet harmonious. Unyielding in your nature but softened with kindness and resilience.

My love…

Sirius sucked in a breath darting a look up to Remus who was leaning on his knees and holding his head in one of his hands, his eyes trained on Sirius with a kind of laser focus. Sirius swallowed and then continued reading

My love, you are the fizzing potential and misrule of the universe, you are the wildflowers colouring the day with blinding beauty. You are all of the joy of life and creation - my fingers come away from you covered in stardust. Your laughter is a shower of colour – filling the void of my universe with pure energy.

Lying with you is a supernova of petals – I didn’t even exist before you exploded me outwards, expanding, bursting, flowering under your touch.

Sirius finished reading and blinked to clear his vision, feeling like the air had been sucked out of the room. His heart was pounding.

“Love…?” Sirius whispered looking up, unable to disguise the emotion in his voice.

Remus met his eyes searchingly before he nodded.

“You wrote this for me?” Sirius’s voice broke.

Remus kept his gaze trained on Sirius. He seemed to find whatever he was looking for and smiled – a small private thing - before he nodded again.

Sirius placed the journal to the side and cleared the distance between them, startling Remus into a laugh as he clambered over Remus’s lap to straddle him. Remus caught him around the waist and looked up into Sirius’s face, a delighted smile lighting his features.

“You have to say it,” Sirius smirked down at him and wrapped his arms around Remus’s neck.

Remus smirked back and pulled Sirius more firmly into his lap.

“You first,” he countered.

Sirius smiled widely before leaning down and claiming Remus’s lips. He pressed his forehead to Remus’s.

“At the same time?” Sirius asked, twitching his eyebrow and seeing the skin crinkle around Remus’s warm eyes.

“On three?” he posed.

“One… two… three.”

“I love you.” They said in unison and then both breathed a sigh of relief, followed by breathy laughs.

“You do?” Remus asked, eyes suspiciously watery as he held Sirius tighter.

“Of course I do, you lovely man,” Sirius laughed, “You love me?”

Remus’s expression softened as he looked back.

“More than I ever thought possible,” he swallowed heavily.

“Since when?” Sirius cupped Remus’s face in his hands while they stared love into each other’s eyes.

“The Friday we fought about the journals,” Remus shrugged, “You’d just asked to read them and I was trying to figure out why I hadn’t said yes even though I wanted you to read them. I realised that letting you read them was like telling you I loved you without any idea of whether you returned the feelings.”

He must have registered Sirius's bemusement because he clarified.

“What’s written in the journals – they’re the things I’ve never put into words, never shared with anyone, and if you didn’t get them…”

“Then I didn’t get you…” Sirius finished, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Remus nodded and sniffed slightly.

“You?” he said with a watery smirk, pinching Sirius’s side.

He took a breath trying to pinpoint the exact moment.

“I think I realised I could fall in love with you at your dad’s funeral,” he started, feeling himself flush when Remus’s brows rose in surprise, “But I knew for sure when we danced in the kitchen that night you made me those chocolate creations. You kissed me and I remember thinking it felt like we’d do this for the rest of our lives.”

The watery quality in Remus’s smile softened further and Sirius felt his own eyes fill.

“Does this mean you’ll be my boyfriend?” Sirius said sniffing and adopting a teasing, flirty quirk of his brows, trying not to give in to the tears he felt brimming in his eyes.

Remus laughed, but it felt like a sob and he buried his face in Sirius’s chest, nodding.

Sirius held him closer smiling into the curls he loved to play with and inhaling the smell of chlorine and chai body wash.

It was around that time when Remus seemed to register Sirius’s third limb pressing into his stomach because he sniffed and leaned back eyes darting between Sirius’s crotch and his face in amusement, eyes still watery and a little red around the rims.

“I’m sorry okay, emotional intimacy is apparently one of my kinks,” Sirius huffed as Remus leaned his forehead into Sirius’s chest laughing softly.

Remus gasped out a laugh before he looked up at Sirius with a smirk that made Sirius fall in love with him all over again.

“Baby, I’ve been hard ever since I came into the room and found you asleep in my jumper.”

Sirius snorted and then adjusted his pelvis to feel around for the evidence of this claim. When he found it he ground down and moaned in appreciation when Remus’s eyes fluttered shut at the sensation.

“My God, Moony,” Sirius started, rolling his hips and shuddering at the sparks the friction was sending up his spine when Remus bucked upwards at the movement, “I don’t deserve you but I’m so fucking glad to have you,” he finished breathily, moving against him even as Remus rolled his pelvis in response.

Remus gripped him by the arse then and suddenly flipped them so that Remus was on top leaning down to kiss Sirius, licking into Sirius’s mouth with sloppy, celebratory kisses that felt like Christmas morning and graduation and every major milestone Sirius had ever celebrated.

Then Remus stood and stripped off his sweats and t-shirt before climbing back over Sirius while he wiggled out of his pajama bottoms. When he moved to remove the jumper, Remus took his wrists and pinned them above his head before leaning in to kiss a wet line down Sirius’s neck. He nosed at the neckline of the jumper.

“Keep this on,” he growled.

And really, how could Sirius deny him anything?

Remus let go of his wrists and moved to suck on Sirius’s earlobe.

“Turn over?” he asked and Sirius couldn’t oblige quickly enough.

He flipped over onto his stomach and no sooner had he done so that Remus hooked an arm under his hips and dragged Sirius’s pelvis up so that he was on his knees, resting his head on his folded arms with his back arching.

“You trust me?” Remus asked from somewhere behind him.

“More than anyone – don’t tell James,” Sirius said into the duvet under his head. Somewhere above him, Remus chuckled and the lid of the lube snapped shut.

Then Sirius felt the soft, wet heat of Remus’s mouth over his entrance, tongue licking from his perineum all the way to the hole. Sirius squeaked (most embarrassingly) in surprise and felt Remus’s laughter even though he couldn’t see it. Then Remus’s mouth was busy as he absolutely went to town back there, tongue circling Sirius’s hole and lubed hand stroking his cock.

Sirius’s moans turned into outright whimpers against the fabric of the duvet when Remus replaced his tongue with his fingers, not being able to help but rock backward onto the digit lightly teasing the sensitive skin.

“Good Baby?” Remus growled, crooking his finger to the angle that Sirius knew that Remus knew drove him absolutely wild.

Sirius wasn’t able to answer with precise verbal indications, instead moaning loudly into the fabric.

“Can’t hear you, Baby,” Remus said with a reproving tone, removing his hand from Sirius’s cock, and causing Sirius to make an indignant noise in protest.

“Tell me how it feels Baby,” Remus cajoled using the hand that was previously stroking Sirius to squeeze his arse cheek affectionately, offsetting the authority of his tone.

“Feels like heaven, Moony,” Sirius whined, feeling the perspiration beginning to slip down his neck – the jumper getting to be too warm.

“You want me to keep going?” Remus asked adding a second finger and causing Sirius to grind back onto them.

“Please don’t stop.”

“Fuck,” Remus growled, “Look at you,” Sirius felt the head of Remus’s length nudge his entrance as his fingers slipped out.

“Wanna look at you,” Sirius whined straining his head to the side to try to watch Remus as he pushed in, earning him an overwhelmed sound from Remus as he knelt back and patted Sirius’s hip to indicate he should turn over.

When Remus pushed inside they locked eyes, and their faces adopted almost identical expressions of surprise and devotion as they watched each other reach their peaks of pleasure in the light of day – the sunlight streaming in over both of them.

When Remus moved, it was suddenly tender. He thrust forwards and brought his hand up to push Sirius’s hair off his face, his palm lingering on his jaw, his throat, and his chest before meeting his lips for a sloppy kiss.

“I love you,” Sirius said into Remus’s kiss and felt Remus smile while his tongue darted out into Sirius’s mouth.

“God Sirius,” Remus moaned, breaking the kiss, “I love you so much.”

Then Sirius did feel the rolling of tears leaving tracks of moisture across his temples and into his hair, sobbing as he came.

Remus paused to brush his thumbs across Sirius’s cheeks, catching the tears and wiping them away.

“What is it, Baby?” he asked huskily.

Sirius breathed hard coming down from his peak, feeling his heart thud contentedly in his chest.

“It’s you, you’re just…” he trailed off momentarily.

“You’re just everything I’ve ever wanted.”

Remus leaned down and rolled his hips slowly, drawing Sirius’s attention to the fact that Remus hadn’t finished yet.

He hooked his leg around Remus’s hips and pulled him in with his grip on Remus’s waist, encouraging him to go at the pace he needed.

“It’s like I’ve always known you,” Sirius continued to tell him, as Remus thrust forwards, listening to Sirius with his eyes squeezed shut.

“It’s like I’ve known you in every lifetime, and in everyone of them we’ve ended up just like this, laughing together, looking after each other, loving each other.”

Remus whimpered and Sirius knew he was close. He tilted his hips ever so slightly to help things along and Remus hissed at the new angle, his breath coming quicker.

“I love this version of you,” Sirius went on, “I love your wit and your patience, the way you can always surprise me,” Sirius blinked back more tears, “I love your strength and the way you face things. I love that I knew you loved me long before you said it because you showed me every day – even when you were pushing me away, you were doing it because you loved me and didn’t know what to do with it.”

Remus nodded desperately and came, collapsing onto Sirius the way he always did and Sirius held him tightly as he rode out his climax.

“I think I already knew when we were on the beach,” Sirius whispered into Remus’s curls, “I looked down from that hill where I was collecting flowers and I saw you sitting in the grass and thought you looked like you were made of magic.”

Remus sniffed into his chest and then raised his head to look at Sirius.

“When I saw you in the garden of that motel,” he started to respond in a husky whisper, “I thought I must have manifested you there. All I could think about the whole train trip was you.”

Little fireworks were going off inside Sirius, and he was going to respond when Remus kept going.

“Last night, when you topped for me?” Sirius nodded for him to go on, “That was the first time I’ve bottomed since my first time that I told you about.”

Sirius felt the air in the room disappear again, desperate for Remus to go on.

“I just knew that I was safe with you,” He smiled tremulously and Sirius reached up to pull his face closer for a kiss.

“You’ve been my safe space ever since I came here that first Friday after the party,” Sirius whispered against his lips, “I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to be yours.”

“I am yours,” Remus nodded helplessly bringing his own hand up to cup Sirius’s cheek, “Your safe space, your home if you want me to be, or just plain yours – without restriction or equivocation.”

When they kissed next, it felt like the making of a promise. A promise they’d probably renew a hundred times over. One that they’d fulfill just as often, for as long as life gave them. For however long their forever turned out to be.

Notes:

I cannot thank you all enough for coming along with me on this journey.

Thank you for the comments and kudos, I really hope I did it justice.

There is an epilogue in this fic's future, and maybe even a series of one-shots, But I also have some ideas for a few more stories so we'll see what comes first.
I feel a bit like Isabella from Encanto when she accidentally made the cactus - I'm just floating around wondering what else I can do now this one is over. What started as a really convenient creative outlet to distract me from a few personal dramas, it's turned into one of my favorite ways to burn off steam and explore some writing.

All of that is to say, thank you for all your kind words and lovely feedback. It means so very much <3

Chapter 38: Epilogue: But I’ve No Love Like Your Love from Nobody

Summary:

You all know the drill by now,

TW: Explicit sex, discussions of chronic illness, and parental abuse

Don't stress though, it's just in passing and there's nothing detailed. Apart from the smut. Usual amount of details for the smut.

They kept their promises.

As the weeks grew into months, they stayed as each other’s safe spaces, stayed home to the other, and stayed each other’s.

Even when they bickered and fought, they were careful with each other. Both of them knew that life was far too cruel and fragile to be careless with something that meant this much.

Sirius found out that the people who love you don’t need conditions to keep loving you.

It turned out, that when he was honest about who he was and who he loved, his friends took it in their stride – because it didn’t change who he was, it was just that he was finally coming around to those details that they’d always loved him for.

James and Pete occasionally made the odd well-timed joke about the closet in the corner, but never humiliated or directed any hatred his way. His parents were wrong - no one that meant a damn in his life thought he was repulsive or ended up abandoning him. James and Pete stayed constant.

Lily remained Lily – always seeing right through him and offering well-timed but gentle advice when it was needed, and otherwise punctuating every one of their interactions with an eye roll and a grudging laugh at his and the other Marauders’ antics. And Marlene was still Marlene – or more accurately, Marlene and Dorcas were still Marlene and Dorcas, because shortly after Sirius and Remus made their friends aware that they’d made it official ( a week or so after they made the decision for themselves), so did Marlene and Dorcas.

And Mary – well, she and Sirius were tentative around each other for a while, but they soon relaxed and never lost their affection for each other. It turned out that the best parts of their relationship still existed now that they were out of it – their fun and humor never having needed the romantic setting to blossom in the first place. It also helped that Mary and Remus were fast friends.

A month or so down the line, Mary began to date people in earnest again treating them all to hilarious re-enactments of her less successful dates. About a month after that, sparks began to fly between Peter and Mary when they went out for Mary’s birthday as a group, and the two of them could be seen on the dance floor making eyes at each other one moment and pressed together the next.

Sirius had watched the two of them on the floor, and then he’d looked up to see Remus watching him anxiously as he’d eyed the couple. Sirius had just smiled in reassurance, winding his arm around Remus’s waist and leaning his head against his shoulder and they had both sighed in contentment.

Reg became a regular part of the group as well, and he and Sirius continued to get get to know each other again, their sarcasm and gallows humor their own private language that hid layers of affection and understanding that each had never known existed before from the other- hidden as it was from the poison of their parents in their childhood. They made an effort to see each other every Thursday for beers and pizza - sometimes at Reg's flat, sometimes over at Lily and James's while Sirius stayed there. Sometimes one of them would stay over and the next morning the two of them could be found watching early morning cartoons over cereal and coffee before they went to their respective jobs.

And then there was Remus. Who surprised Sirius every time thought he had the man nailed down. Every time Sirius thought he’d pushed something too far or been too much, Remus would turn around and take it, holding whatever Sirius had given him like some priceless treasure he was lucky enough to keep safe.

When Sirius still struggled with feeling like he was out of control and fizzing over the edge of the proverbial glass, Remus was a stabilising influence – not controlling, but providing a safe place to come back to from the chaos. He seemed to have all of the time in the world to understand Sirius and never seemed to tire of talking him down from an emotional ledge, grounding, securing, and softening every blow with his presence.

Remus gained a family he'd never expected to have.

More than that, he learned that when people love you, they show up for you in more ways than the bare minimum. And gladly.

He learned that after the first time that Sirius was away for the weekend a month after they officially started dating, promoting Black Rose Florists at a flower show in Scotland.

Remus got home from a therapy session to find James and Pete in his kitchen, preparing for a boy's night to keep Remus company while he was away.

James and he bonded over high-school antics and the running of the Jargon, and he and Pete over their mutual love of cooking. In turn, all three bonded over their shared love of Sirius and their own growing friendship dynamic.

He learned it during the flare that came at the beginning of September – triggered by the change of season and the Histamine the doctors said – and Mary came over for the night to monitor him because Sirius called in a panic. Remus had forbidden him from calling an ambulance, but he also hadn’t been able to eat for almost 3 days because of the fever and nausea.

And Lily quickly became one of the best friends that Remus had ever had. They had a regular coffee date on Monday afternoons to debrief on the week and each other’s chaotic partners’ antics, and bonded over their love of Greys Anatomy. Sometimes Reg joined them, and the three of them spent hours shooting the breeze and solving the world's problems over various forms of caffeine.

And of course, Remus had Sirius. Who looked after him in ways he didn’t even know he needed before he had him.

He was respectful and cautious about Remus’s boundaries, while instinctually knowing when the right time was to push them slightly because Remus was using them as a wall. When Remus was using their agreement not to sleep over during the week as an excuse to hole himself away – lost in a bit of loneliness. At those times, Sirius would materialise at his door, armed with a bouquet of seasonal flowers and dinner ingredients and they’d cook, eat together, and then Sirius would hold Remus through the night while he spoke about the sharp objects that were rattling around in his chest that week, making it harder to connect.

He read Remus’s journals over the space of a few months. And when Remus met his eyes after each entry, Sirius wouldn’t look away in embarrassment or awkwardness – he would meet the look with new understanding and wonder at the piece he’d been given of Remus in that moment.

And the sex continued to blow both of their minds.

It wasn’t always rough and exciting, but it was always punctuated with soft words and laughter, and afterward, they’d lie close to each other, stroking cheeks and pulling each other closer, checking in, reassuring, whispering “I love you” over and over again until they fell asleep with the echoes of it calming them like a lullaby.

Before they knew it, they were almost five months in and Remus was looped into the yearly planning for the event that was Sirius’s birthday in November.

It had taken Sirius a long time to enjoy his birthday.

It was only after he’d met James and Pete that he’d realised that birthdays and holidays could be happy occasions, and years longer to stop understanding it in theory and start experiencing it in practice.

In the early years, he’d throw a huge bash – get blackout drunk and stay out all night until James had to carry him home. He told himself he enjoyed the attention, but really, he just wanted to be distracted from the memories of how birthdays had gone in the years preceding when they were still spent at his parents’ house.

When he reached his mid-twenties, however, around the time he started the horticulture course and begun dating Mary, he’d figured out that he preferred occasions that were more intimate. They normally tried to do something outdoors as a group to enjoy the final days of autumn before December rolled around and the cold really settled in. One year, James had found a strangely unseasonal fun fair out in the country, and they’d spent the late afternoon and evening eating candy floss and riding the Ferris wheel wrapped up in scarves and puffer jackets. Another year when they’d been unable to leave town for the occasion, Pete and James had erected a tent in James’s backyard and they’d stayed up all night and tried to spot the few stars that the light pollution didn’t mask, seeing in Sirius's birthday over cider and homemade birthday cake.

This year they had found a few cabins out in Brecon, on the edge of the Bannau National Park in Wales. Since Sirius’s birthday was falling on a Wednesday that year, the plan was for the gang to go up on Friday afternoon before, spend the weekend celebrating and generally making merry, and then they’d leave on Sunday, leaving Sirius and Remus to have a few days to themselves until the Friday following Sirius’s day.

The weekend days of the trip were marked by a hike into the national park on Saturday with Marlene, James, and Pete while Mary, Dorcas, Regulus, and Lily hung out with Remus at the cabins, and a picnic on Sunday morning by the waterfalls that were only a short drive from their accommodation. Friday and Saturday evening had them staying up around bonfires with Sirius snuggling into Remus’s arms while James regaled them all with stories of their shared youth, or otherwise inspiring them to tell relay ghost stories and play a game of charades.

On the Sunday night, Remus and Sirius spent the evening in the outdoor bath, watching the sun setting over the trees and just enjoying being together in the quiet that followed the others leaving.

***

Sirius

-

On the third of November, Sirius woke at what appeared to be mid-morning. He couldn’t be sure because his ability to gauge the time was compromised by the butterfly kisses that Remus was leaving all over his face and neck as he surfaced from sleep into the waking world. Laughter bubbled out of his throat at the tickling sensation and the flutters stopped as the big brown eyes he loved blinked down at him affectionately. From where he was hovering over him, Sirius took in Remus’s auburn hair backlit by a rare autumnal sunny day, lit like a beacon from behind, and the spattering of freckles over the cheeks that creased as he smiled down at Sirius where he lay.

He leaned down to kiss him on the lips and Sirius hummed in contentment.

Waking up with Remus was his favorite way to begin the day.

The kiss was slow, sleepy, and lingering and Sirius brought his arms up around Remus’s neck as he teased Sirius’s mouth open with his tongue to allow him to taste the flavour of the coffee that Remus already seemed to have drunk (the traitor) and the sweetened taste of Remus himself.

The man in question pressed himself against Sirius’s reclining form, slipping between his legs and allowing him to feel just how happy Remus was to see him that morning.

Remus broke the kiss and began to nuzzle and kiss down Sirius’s neck and chest. As the covers slipped down from around them, Sirius expected to feel the chill of the late Autumn morning as Remus exposed his torso to the air, making his way down to his navel, and pausing to pay attention to each of Sirius’s nipples, laving the delicate skin with his tongue and then nipping with his teeth – causing Sirius to gasp and moan. Instead, the air in the cabin felt comfortably warm and cozy – Remus had obviously lit the log burner a while ago.

Sirius sucked in another gasp when Remus sat up and peeled off his pajama pants and began to trace circles on his inner thigh while he pressed progressively sloppier kisses into Sirius’s happy trail, making his way further and further south to where he knew that Remus knew he was already hard. Remus was using this knowledge to his advantage, inching his fingers ever so slightly closer with every circle on Sirius’s inner thigh, in conjunction with his mouth, closing the distance a little more– but never quite enough – with every new kiss he placed on Sirius’s abdomen.

It was driving Sirius positively feral.

“Moony…” he croaked – his first word for the beginning of his twenty-ninth year, and heard the subject of the name hum in amusement as he continued to tease Sirius with his tongue and fingers. He’d begun to use his other hand to rub circles over Sirius’s opposite hip and outer thigh, digging his fingers in for a squeeze when they slipped underneath Sirius’s arse cheek, but once again, never going further than that tortuous closeness to what Sirius was now desperate to have touched.

“Moony, please…” Sirius whined.

Remus finally gave in, using the hand tracing the skin on Sirius’s inner thigh to palm the hot, aching length of Sirius’s erection. Sirius groaned loudly and Remus chuckled appreciatively.

At the same time, he knelt between Sirius’s legs and reached to the open drawer where they’d stashed their supplies for their stay, bringing out the lube and coating the fingers of one hand before using his left hand to work over Sirius’s cock, in a wringing circular motion, and then bringing his right between Sirius’s cheeks, to tease his entrance with a slippery finger.

“Oh my God…” Sirius moaned when a few minutes later, Remus finally lay between his legs and took Sirius into his mouth fully, sucking as he pulled off and swirling his tongue around the tip before dipping back to engulf Sirius’s cock in the warm wetness. Remus’s other hand was still fingering him gently, gradually stretching him out before adding a second finger and crooking them to touch the spot that made Sirius see paradise, arching his back against the mattress as the mouth around him continued to bob up and down, overwhelming him in sensation.

It didn’t take long from there. Between Remus’s magic fingers and his delicious tongue, Sirius was crying out in very little time, coming down the back of Remus’s throat while he hummed in approval, the vibrations around his cock only enhancing the experience as he rode out his relief. When Remus swallowed and finished sucking Sirius’s length clean, he lifted off and climbed over Sirius’s torso, pillowing his head on Sirius’s chest and his own folded arms, smiling a smugly satisfied Cheshire cat grin up at Sirius.

“Happy birthday, Baby,” he said, speaking low and sultry, as he always did in the morning.

Sirius gently threaded his fingers through the curls over Remus’s forehead, left disheveled by Sirius’s grip on the locks as he’d come.

“Best birthday ever,” Sirius laughed, chest heaving as he caught his breath, “But didn’t you want me to-”

“Nope,” Remus smirked up at him, cutting him off.

“Moony,” Sirius spoke reprovingly, “I can literally feel how hard you are,” he finished with a quirked brow and a pointed smirk.

“Hmmmm, well, I can’t argue with the evidence there,” Remus shrugged, “but I have a schedule to keep for the morning and there’s no time for you to get me back right now,” he finished with the tone of someone who’s hands are tied.

“Wha-” Sirius asked in confusion as Remus got up quickly from his place between Sirius’s legs and hurried over to the kitchenette in the cabin.

Sirius found his briefs and pulled them back on before Remus returned carrying a tray and placed it on Sirius’s lap. Then he hopped into his place next to him on the mattress and dropped a fabric shopping bag between them with a grin.

The tray held a steaming mug of coffee – freshly brewed if the smells from the kitchen unit were anything to go by – and a flakey warmed croissant, sliced open and filled with slivers of cheese and ham.

Sirius picked up the mug and took a sip of the steaming brew, sighing in contentment and leaning against the wall behind the bed.

“This is amazing, Sweetheart,” Sirius said smiling at Remus from where he sat against the headboard, nursing a cup of his own, “Thank you.”

Remus smiled back gently and leaned in to press a kiss to the corner of Sirius’s mouth.

“I have been tasked with dolling out the gifts,” he smirked, pulling the shopping bag closer to him.

Sirius sighed in fond exasperation.

“I thought we all agreed that this trip was the gift,” he groaned.

“Oh, shut up, you know you’re glad they ignored you,” Remus huffed and handed Sirius a package.

Sirius snorted in response as he took it. The parcel was wrapped in paper that was yellow and printed all over with large blue number 2’s. Sirius was momentarily puzzled until he looked closer and saw that next to every single number 2 was written the number 9 in blue Sharpie.

“This must be from James and Lil,” he barked with a laugh, settling the tray to the side to take the package.

“Correct,” Remus smirked.

Sirius tore the wrapping off and found a folded black hoodie. On further inspection, the article unfolded to show a black and white image of Al Pacino leaning on a desk in a characteristic pose, with ‘The Godfather” printed above the image complete with the classic hand holding the sticks for a marionette puppet above the lettering.

Sirius and Remus both snorted with laughter.

“…I’m gonna find a way to work those lines into every time that kid comes to me for advice now,” Sirius sniggered as he held up the hoody, grinning at the image.

“And I’m sure James knows that,” Remus sniggered into his coffee, “otherwise he’d never have named you his soon-to-be-kid’s godfather,” he finished.

Sirius put the hoodie on immediately, causing his hair to crackle with static and Remus to snort at his presumably electrified curls.

Next, Remus handed Sirius a square cardboard box that looked like it was from a bakery. On further inspection, it contained four cranberry and macadamia scones from the coffee cart – from Marlene and Dorcas.

“I promised I’d put these right into the freezer once you’d opened the box,” Remus said hurrying out from the covers and taking the box before hurrying to the bar fridge-freezer and placing the box inside.

“I’m surprised there aren’t any missing,” Sirius responded with a pointed brow lift as he snuck another sip of coffee and Remus snuck back into his spot.

“Nah, she knows that the chocolate muffins with the orange glaze are my current favorite,” he snorted, “plus, there may or may not be another box in the freezer at the house – these are just for the rest of our stay.”

“And you’re hoping I’ll share my bounty like the good lad I am?” Sirius smirked at Remus while he settled back.

He was rewarded for his quip with a jab at his side and a kiss on the cheek.

“Well, you’re always good for me, aren’t you?” Remus growled against his ear before sitting back and reaching for whatever was next out of the bag while Sirius choked on his sip of coffee and blinked a few times, feeling suddenly off balance. His heart rate had spiked again.

Before Sirius could get his wits back, Remus placed another gift into his lap. Sirius coughed a few more times before gasping a breath while Remus smirked from his position next to him. He reached for the gift, glaring at him but unable to fight the good-humored smirk that crept into his face even then.

Pete and Mary had bought Sirius a very decent bottle of whisky, along with two lovely crystal tumblers and a set of mixers for them to experiment with – both Remus and Sirius having a penchant for whisky-based cocktails. The gift that followed was from Reg - a new pair of Docs embroidered with red roses.

Lastly, Remus handed him another gift bag from somewhere on the floor at his side of the bed, his face twisted into a shy, excited expression.

“From you?” Sirius asked with a smirk, reaching out and poking a nodding Remus in the side and causing him to flinch and giggle adorably – he was always horribly ticklish.

Sirius made a trilling noise of excitement, making Remus snort next to him in amusement.

The bag clearly contained one of Remus’s own jumpers folded into its depths.

Sirius pulled it out of the bag, eyes wide and unable to suppress the elated grin that stretched across his face.

“You’re always stealing that one, so I thought you might want to keep it…” Remus offered, face working around a smile he was trying to suppress at Sirius burying his head into the knitted fabric and inhaling deeply.

It smelled like clove, chai, and Remus.

“I may have slept in that so it smells like me,” Remus put in as Sirius put out a groan in approval at the scent.

“It’s perfect, Moony,” Sirius said, voice muffled by the jumper he still held to his face.

Remus pushed the bag towards Sirius with a still shy expression.

“There are a few other things in there…” He said quietly, bringing his chin to rest against his fists where he leaned his elbows on his knees – his legs folded under him as he watched Sirius.
He pulled the bag closer and spied two smaller, wrapped gifts.

When unwrapped, the first was a narrow, elongated box. Sirius raised his brows at the box that obviously came from a jeweler and opened it.

Inside, nestled into the cushion, was a white gold chain with a simple half-moon pendant hanging from it.

***

Remus

-

Sirius sat looking down at the box for a long moment and Remus found himself feeling that old fear creeping up his neck at the lack of response.

“You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to – or if you don’t like it. I just noticed you only wear cool-toned metal and you know I love it when you call me Moony, so I thought you might- but it’s okay if it’s too much, I can take it back,” Remus began to babble, reaching for the box that Sirius was still staring at.

As if startled by a trance, Sirius looked up and clutched the box to his chest– his eyes swimming with moisture. He looked totally shattered.

“Moony…” He spoke helplessly, reaching for Remus with one hand while his other still held the box. Remus breathed out in relief and shifted closer. He Sirius to him, his head burying itself in the crook of Remus’s neck, overwhelmed.

After a few moments, Sirius lifted his head and looked into Remus’s eyes, sniffing slightly with a tremulous smile.

“Will you-”, Sirius started handing Remus the box and turning his back and holding his hair to the side so it was out of the way.

“Of course,” Remus croaked, taking the necklace out of the cushioned setting with a swallow, unclasping it after a few tries, and then bringing it around Sirius’s neck gently and fastening it at the nape of his neck. When the clasp was secure, he ducked his head quickly and snuck a kiss just below the ear that Sirius exposed when he moved his hair.

Sirius turned back but didn’t move away.

“I love it, Moony,” Sirius whispered, voice thick with emotion, “Thank you,”

“We match now,” Remus smirked slightly, pulling a gold chain out of the collar of his sleep shirt with a finger, and showing Sirius the necklace that he’d been wearing since that morning he’d put it on shortly after waking up before he’d prepared Sirius’s breakfast and woken him up.

Sirius took in the star shape of the yellow-gold pendant, his eyes widening in understanding. He shifted his position, climbing on so that he was straddling Remus’s lap, looking down at him as his finger traced the shape lightly, his smile morphing into a dangerous smirk. Remus had a feeling he was going to enjoy what happened next immensely. Sirius was still wearing the hoodie and Remus grabbed him by the hips, his fingers sliding against the soft skin underneath the article as he looked up into the silver-blue eyes he loved more every day.

“There’s still one more gift in the bag,” Remus said softly, smirking up at Sirius’s expanding pupils.

“I’ll open it later,” Sirius said, leaning down and stealing a slow, teasing kiss.

“I think you want to open it now, Baby,” Remus growled, pulling back and smiling and the indignant noise that Sirius made in response.

He reached to the side and tugged the bag over to them, blindly reaching in and pulling out the short, rectangular box that remained inside. With a huff, Sirius sat back a little, leaning into Remus’s hold for support slightly as he unwrapped the last box. Before he could open it, Remus removed one hand from where it was holding Sirius and opened it toward him. He reached into the box and picked up the copy of his house key he’d had made and held it up to Sirius, who stared at it with dawning realisation.

“Now, I know that you’ve been happy staying at James’s for the last few months,” he started, clearing his throat of nerves, “and I know the flat sold in September so you could just find your own place. But I want you to know that if you’re ready, I’d love it if you wanted to move in with me.”

Sirius’s eyes widened even more as Remus continued his speech.

“There’s no pressure to, of course,” he hurried on, “If you want to wait a bit more and get your own place then I won’t be offended,” he swallowed anxiously, “But you should have a key anyway – I want you to feel welcome to come and go as you please – stay over as often as you like until you’re ready to make the next step.”

Remus took a breath.

“But I want you to know I’m ready to take the next step.

I want to wake up with you and go to bed wrapped around you. I want to cook dinner together and argue about what takeout to order. I want to dance in the kitchen to Queen. I want to watch trashy soap operas with your head in my lap and take baths together. I want to learn to garden with you and I want to decorate the tree together and disagree over whether we have ham or turkey for Christmas dinner until we finally cave and just have both,” At this Sirius snickered, his mask of astonishment cracking with humour.

“I want to spend days in bed with you. I want to fuck you on every flat surface of that house whenever we can,” Remus growled as Sirius’s smile turned back into a feral smirk.

“I want you there when I’m not well, and I want to be there to hold you through your nightmares.”

Sirius’s expression softened there. It had only been a month or so ago that Remus had been present for one of Sirius’s night terrors, where the vicious remnant of his parents reared its ugly head to disturb his sleep.

“I want all of it, Sirius.” Remus finally finished.

“And it’s okay if you don’t feel the same yet, I can wait-”

Sirius interrupted his diatribe by leaning forward and meeting Remus’s lips with his. He placed one arm around Remus’s neck and kept his other hand resting against the gold chain around his neck as he tilted his hips forward and ground into Remus’s pelvis.

“Is that a-”

“Yes? Of course it is, Moony,” Sirius murmured into the kiss, rolling his hips again and making Remus groan, unable to help it.

“You’ll move in?!” Remus asked in confirmation, bringing the fist holding the key and his other arm around Sirius’s waist, pulling him closer still, ears ringing with elation.

“Fuck-” Sirius gasped as their cocks brushed under the fabric of Sirius’s briefs and through Remus’s sweats, “how could I not?”

Remus gasped as well and reached behind him blindly to drop the key onto the bedside.

“I love you so much,” He groaned as Sirius leaned down to kiss his neck.

“…God, I love you Moony,” Sirius spoke against his collarbone.

Remus lifted him and flipped Sirius so that he was on his back looking up at him with a surprised but pleased laugh.

"I thought we were on a schedule?" he asked with a coy look and a raised brow.

“Yes, well, you always get what you want, don’t you?” Remus growled tugging his own shirt off.

“Well, I got you, didn’t I?” Sirius returned with a satisfied smirk as he wriggled out of the hoodie and peeled off his briefs.

“Worked out pretty well for both of us then, didn’t it?” Remus smirked back, leaning down to claim Sirius’s lips with a kiss once again.

Notes:

I can't express how much I loved writing this epilogue <3

Heads up that I am currently and officially working on more Wolfstar! There's also going to be a Dorlene one-shot on the way to flesh out their little meet-cute from this AU as well!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for reading and all the rest <3

Notes:

Hello. This was the feverish brainchild of far too many fics read on the train to work and having actual weekends to indulge in hobbies. I don't really expect anyone to read this and I've never posted before, but if you stumble upon it then (kind) feedback is welcome. I'll probably update the tags as I go.

Read the tags please for some trigger warnings.

I went back tidied up a few things in this first chapter - nothing major has changed but I've just cleaned up some repetitions or poor phrasing.

I do not support JKR or her transphobic views. Please leave if you do.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of wildflower-verse