Chapter Text
January 4th, 1971
Regulus had thought a lot about Hogwarts after his brother left for the school year. He’d first thought about Sirius a lot, and how surprised he was when his older brother told him that he was a Gryffindor-this first in their family in…maybe forever.
That letter had been snatched from him, and burned. He wrote back anyway, even though his parents told him not to. He was so fascinated, Sirius, a Black , had ended up in Gryffindor! Regulus had thought all of their family was damned to the fate of Slytherin, and yet Sirius had given him an unexpected hope.
They’d talked about it avidly at night over Yule, when their parents were long asleep, and Regulus would wait for Sirius to sneak into his room, and he’d listen excitedly as Sirius told him all about his friends that he’d made.
He talked about Remus Lupin the most, and Sirius commented that he was Welsh, and that he liked his accent a lot. He also told Regulus about Remus’s scars, and how he never wanted to talk about them. At the time, he was sure Sirius was thinking about their own hidden scars, wrapped under layers of frivolous nightclothes, just as he was.
He only talked about Peter Petigrew a little, and what he had to say wasn’t the most flattering. Just that he was a quiet boy, and he was more of the paper trail that their group left behind than he was a member of it.
And finally, he talked about James Potter. Regulus liked hearing about him best, because he was everything that Regulus wished he could be, in a general sense. James was from a pureblood family, but his parents were kind (or at least that’s what Sirius said) and they didn’t care that their son was a prankster, or about the house that he got sorted into, they just loved him. When Sirius was done talking, Regulus pressed himself into his side, and asked him about their pranks.
If only to get the watery look out of his older brother’s eyes, and maybe out of his own too.
Later, when they were both quiet, Regulus spoke his question, and hoped that his mother wouldn’t hear.
“Do you regret it? Being sorted into Gryffindor?”
Sirius’s reply had been instant.
“Not for one second.”
And that was that.
That was probably the best Yule that Regulus had ever had. So, after hearing about Sirius’s friends, he asked his brother to bring them late gifts for Yule, and Sirius hugged him close and squeezed.
“You’re such a softy Reggie!”
“Stop! You’re suffocating me! Sirius!”
He hadn’t really expected anything in return from them-those gifts were Regulus saying thank you to them. He wanted to thank them for giving his brother a reason to smile again. It felt so good to see Sirius smile again, to see him actually smile about something. He was a little jealous that he wasn’t the reason that Sirius was smiling, but his gratefulness overpowered the feeling. Even though he only had the images of those boys in his head, he was so grateful to them, he wished he could tell them in person.
Then, a week later, Kreacher brought him two letters, and one package.
“Master Sirius has sent Master Regulus mail.” Then the elf 'harrumphed’ and left. There was no writing on the front of either letter, so Regulus opened one and started reading.
To Regulus,
My name is Remus Lupin, and I’m writing this letter to thank you for the Christmas gift you sent me! I don’t know how you knew I’d like the charmed parchment so much, but it’s come in handy for notes! I’m afraid that I didn’t anticipate getting a gift from you, so I didn’t get you anything in return, but I hope that this letter will be enough for you to know how grateful I am.
I hope you had a pleasant Christmas, and I have all the respect for you, because I’ve only spent a few months with Sirius, and I don’t know how much longer I can do this. You must have the patience of a saint. He keeps trying to steal my new parchment, but I won’t let him. I promise. I hope this letter finds you well, and that you know you have my thanks.
Best regards,
-Remus J. Lupin
Remus seemed like a good person, and Regulus could definitely see what Sirius was saying when he called the boy a nerd, but Regulus was well-educated as well, and he was happy to be in correspondence with the people that Sirius called his friends.
Then he opened the next letter, and was met with the most abysmal handwriting he’d ever seen.
Dear Sirius’s brother- Reggie -Regulus,
Thanks so much for the Yule gift! When Sirius brought us those gifts from you, I was surprised, because you don’t actually know us. I think I may have been wrong about that, because you got me exactly what I wanted! You see, the snitch you got me-there’s actually two versions of it- one of the snitches is based more on speed, and the other on agility, so it’s harder to catch. My parents got me the speed one, because they didn’t want me to hurt myself by practicing with the agility one, but then you got me it! I was gonna buy it for myself when I could, but since it's limited edition I was worried I wasn’t going to get to it in time! Now I don’t have to worry about that! When I told my mum about it, she sent me a very long letter on why I should be careful, and she also told me that I should thank you (I was gonna do that anyway) and she also says that you and Sirius both should come for a visit. Sirius said that probably wasn’t gonna happen, but he wouldn’t tell me why, I think it’s because you guys are from a pretty prestigious family, and being seen with me would damage your reputation.
I hope you don’t think that, I promise I wouldn’t do anything to try and ruin your reputation, and I know Sirius probably gets into trouble just for being my friend, so I hope you don’t dislike me too much! When I said I wanted to send you a gift, Sirius told me I had to make it small, so I did, it should get bigger when you open it, I hope you like it!
Sincerely, with much love,
-James Potter
P.S. I can’t wait to meet you next year! You’re all Sirius talks about!
The scrawl was messy, but Regulus flushed happily when he read it. He’d had the underlying fear that Sirius might forget him when he left for Hogwarts, but to know that his older brother not only didn’t forget about him, but also spoke about him often, made him so happy.
He idly wondered if James Potter talked just as much in person as he did on paper, because if so, Regulus was now sure of why they were friends.
He had opened the package, and inside were a pair of Quidditch gloves, and Regulus almost cried. He loved Quidditch a lot, even when his parents told him it was unseemly for a pureblood to want to play such a dirty game. He’d never owned anything Quidditch related until right then, and he clutched them to his chest and smiled.
He hid them under his mattress, and hoped that his mother wouldn’t find them. She didn’t like it when he and Sirius wrote- he could only imagine how mad she would be when she saw that his friends were writing to her younger son. He could hear her words from a couple days ago ringing in his ears.
“That brother of yours is such a disgrace! A Gryffindor! You better not disappoint me like he has Regulus! I will not stand for it.” Her tone left no room for argument, not that Regulus had any intention of talking back.
“Of course not mother.”
After that, he became secret Pen-Pals with both James and Remus, even if his every letter was scrawled hastily and messily, so determined that he was for his mother not to find out.
June 25th, 1971
When his birthday rolled around, Regulus opened his eyes and let out a quiet huff.
He didn’t hate his birthday, no, he just hated that nothing special ever happened on that day. Sirius was the same way, they both disliked the day, because it was supposed to be special, and it wasn’t.
Today, however, Regulus wasn’t going to let his bad mood ruin this day. He was supposed to get his letter today! The letter that would let him go to Hogwarts with his brother, that would let him meet James and Remus, and he’d get to learn more magic, and he’d be sorted-
Suddenly his good mood was gone.
He hadn’t considered that…that maybe he’d be sorted into Slytherin, and he and Sirius wouldn’t be able to see each other at all. He wasn’t a child, he knew of the rivalry between Gryffindor and Slytherin, and he knew that they hated each other.
Would Sirius hate him if he was sorted into Slytherin? Would he treat him like the enemy?
Throat suddenly dry, Regulus threw his covers off, and quickly got dressed, fixing his hair so that his mother wouldn’t yell at him. By the time he made it to the landing leading to the ground floor, his heart was pounding, and his hands were slightly shaking. When he and Sirius had been younger, they only had each other, and then when Sirius went to Hogwarts he made friends. He had them now, did he even need Regulus? Would he even want him as his brother anymore if he became Slytherin?
“It’s us against the world, Reg!” Sirius whisper-yelled to him.
“Just us?” He’d asked, amused by his brother's antics.
“Well yeah, we only need each other, I have your back, and you’ve got mine! Right?” Sirius had smiled so wide, that at that moment, Regulus believed that he and his brother could do anything together.
“Always.” He’d smiled gingerly, and his brother had thrown an arm around him, and tugged him into his side, whispering into his hair.
“Always Reg, I promise.”
Would Sirius still mean that if Regulus was sorted into a house with blood-purists, and bigots, and-
“Hey, what are you doing?”
Jumping, Regulus spun around and stared at Sirius, who was looking at him in worry. His eyes darted down the stairs, and he dragged Regulus back down the hall, and into his room.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Sirius was always worried about him, and he’d feel bad if he wasn’t always worrying about his older brother too, they had to look out for each other.
He lunged at his brother and held him tight. He couldn’t tell him how scared he was, because what if Sirius wanted him in Gryffindor, and he ended up in Slytherin? How upset would he be? How upset would Regulus be, when his brother left him behind, and became his enemy.
“It-it’s us against the world, right Siri?” He cursed his stutter, and was insanely grateful mother wasn’t around to hear it.
Sirius was silent, and Regulus could feel his confusion as he wrapped his arms around him. He pulled him closer and let the room fall into silence.
“Yeah, always Reg.” He finally replied.
He didn’t ask what was wrong again, and Regulus was grateful, he loved that his older brother could read him so well, he didn’t want to lose him. He didn’t care what mother said, he didn’t care that Sirius was a ‘disgrace’ or ‘embarrassing’ he didn’t care about any of it. He loved his brother, and if he lost him…Regulus didn’t know what he’d do.
“Happy birthday Reg, you wanna go see if your letter is here yet?” Sirius asked gently.
Eyes welling with tears, Regulus nodded his head.
They still didn’t move for a while, and Regulus was more than alright with that.
After he’d opened his letter, he didn’t feel any better, but he didn’t let it show on his face. Walburga and Orion didn’t say anything to him about his birthday, and so Regulus didn’t either.
Sirius, however, didn’t seem to have any such reservations about leaving the topic alone.
“Mum, aren’t you going to say anything to Reg?” Sirius asked, and he scowled at his plate as he did so, because he shouldn’t have to ask, but here he was, asking .
“And why would I do that?” Walburga always had a way to make her words cutting, and sharp, as if she never spoke any other way. It had the intended effect, and Regulus felt his chest twist in pain, he almost wanted Sirius to stop, but deep down he wanted to hear those two little words.
“Happy Birthday.”
“And don’t speak like a peasant Sirius , you are to address me as Mother , and your brother by his name , not that foolish nickname you insist on using.” Even though she was talking to Sirius, it still managed to make Regulus feel worse, he could only imagine how Sirius was feeling.
“Yes mother .” Sirius threw the word out of his mouth like it hurt him. “And maybe because it’s his birthday?”
“Watch your tone, Sirius, I will not tell you again. Birthdays are inconsequential things, and the only time stock will be put into either of yours is when you are old enough to be betrothed.” Walburga spat, she’d been speaking to them like that for years, but for Sirius, it seemed worse. It always seemed worse.
The words still hurt, and Regulus swallowed around the lump in his throat.
Their father didn’t utter a word, but his stony eyes could be felt by them both.
His silence was almost worse.
Later, after their lessons, they both sat in Sirius’s room, and Regulus told him about the letter’s he’d exchanged with Remus and James over the past couple of months.
Sirius wanted to read Remus’s first, so Regulus let him, he was going to re-read some of the old ones, when Kreacher appeared, handing Regulus two letters, handing Sirius two as well, and then disappearing.
Immediately Sirius went to his door, and peaked outside, looking both ways. Regulus hid his letters under the blanket, if their mother really was coming, he didn’t want her to see them, she would take them, and likely burn them. Regulus didn’t want them to be burnt, these were his friends (sort of?), and he wanted to still write to them.
When they were sure the coast was clear, they both opened a letter-Sirius opening Remus’s, and Regulus opening James’s.
When he did so, confetti exploded in his face, and he was so startled he fell off the bed. Sirius laughed so hard he almost fell off the bed too. Regulus was grateful that these rooms were soundproof, or else his mother would most definitely have heard that.
Looking down, he began to read.
Dear Reggie,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATE!! Sirius said you’re turning 11 right? So that means you got your letter today! That’s wicked! I’m so excited that you’re gonna come to Hogwarts this fall! Then I’ll have you and Sirius to prank people with! What house do you think you’ll be in? Sirius ended up in Gryffindor with me, but what about you? He said that his parents were disappointed he wasn’t in Slytherin, I hope that they won’t be too disappointed when you end up in Gryffindor too!
My mum and dad say happy birthday too, they said to tell you. I got you a gift, but it didn’t come in the mail yet…so I guess you’ll have to wait! I think you’ll like it, I even bought one for myself, that way we have matching ones!
Anyway! Happy birthday Reggie, I hope it’s a good one, eat lots of treacle tart on my behalf! Also tell Sirius that he can’t spoil your gift! I told him what it was in the letter I wrote to him, so don’t peek!
With the best birthday wishes for you,
-James Potter
At that moment, Regulus could only feel unfettered joy, and he let James’s enthusiasm and certainty wash over him, and tried to let it calm his shaking hands, and nerves about the coming school year.
“...when you end up in Gryffindor too!”
With a breath he clutched James’s letter to his chest and felt a smile bloom on his face. He hoped James was right.
He needed him to be.
July 14th, 1971
When Walburga told them that they’d be going shopping for the upcoming school year, Regulus felt dread creep up on him. Well, because this was going to be the first time he went shopping for school, and he knew it would be ruined by his mother’s looming presence. Disappointed as he was, Sirius seemed oddly happy to be going to Diagon Alley.
When he asked about it later, Sirius smiled, and told him that James was also going to be shopping today.
And Regulus could see why that would make him happy, because when he heard it his spirits were considerably lighter.
He had just gotten his wand, and he couldn’t help but roll it around in his hands, it felt good, like it was meant to be in his hands. The thought made him smile. His mother had stopped to talk to another pure-blood woman, and as much as Regulus wanted to recall her name, he couldn’t. He wasn’t very good with names much to his mother’s displeasure.
Sirius was standing next to him, and then suddenly he was bolting inside a shop, pulling Regulus with him. It was Magical Menagerie, the pet shop, and Regulus was momentarily overwhelmed by the amount of noise coming from all the creatures.
“Jamie!” His brother yelled, and Regulus watched the scene unfold as his brother tackled a boy with a mop of brunette hair, and glasses. He’d been told of James Potter's appearance, so he had an image in his head, but it was nothing compared to the real thing.
As his brother talked to James, Regulus took a moment to really look at him. His hair was a mess, and he had a freckle beneath his left eye. He had two moles on his neck, and his teeth were white and straight. And he had hazel eyes. That was what caught Regulus’s attention the most, he only ever saw gray eyes, but here this boy was, full of color-full of life, and so very full of disarray that it made Regulus grin.
This was James Potter.
No wonder Sirius was friends with this imperfect mess. He was so charming already, and Regulus hadn’t spoken but a word to him. He had a gravity to him, like he could hold the world on his shoulders and it wouldn’t bother him one bit. Carefree in a way that wasn’t bothersome, delightful in a way, and Regulus stepped forward, he wanted to be friends with James Potter (was he already? He had no idea) and he was determined to make the most of this meeting.
He wanted to thank him too, thank him for being there for Sirius when he couldn’t be, and thank him for the Quidditch poster he’d been given for his birthday, and thank him for being kind.
Silly as that was.
“Jamie! Oh Jamie! This is Regulus! Reggie say hi!” Sirius grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him forward. Regulus stumbled and managed to roll his eyes at his brother before he met hazel eyes, and smiled, sticking his hand out.
“Hello James I’m-”
Suddenly he had an armful of rambunctious boy, and his face was full of robes that smelled like cinnamon. He couldn’t help the jump that shot through him, no one touched him except Sirius. Mother did as well, but it was only ever in a reprimand, or a harsh grip.
“Reggie!” James exclaimed, and Regulus felt himself smile uncertainly, his mother wasn’t watching at all, and he hugged this fascinating boy back. He pressed his cheek into the fabric of well-worn robes, and his face began to hurt with how hard he was smiling. He was charmed, entirely, and allowed himself to be swished back-and-forth by this energetic ball of a boy.
For a time, he had thought that James Potter would be the boy to take his brother from him. In this moment he had never felt more wrong, no James didn’t take his brother from him, he brought him back to him. He saved Sirius, and Regulus could only feel grateful, the feeling washing over him warmly.
James pulled back suddenly, and Regulus was so startled he took a moment to acknowledge the words he heard next.
“Wow, hey, you’re shorter in person than I thought you’d be!” James exclaimed.
Regulus gaped.
And Sirius laughed so loud, Regulus’s cheeks flushed bright red in embarrassment. Never one to be beaten at a game he was rather good at, Regulus retorted just as quickly.
“And you’re just as stupid as I thought you’d be.” Now it was James turn to gape, and Sirius started to hack in his effort to breathe. Behind James, a woman snorted, and then let out a tinkling laugh.
“Mum! Don’t agree with Reggie!” James yelled, his face flushing.
“I’m sorry dear! But you really are silly sometimes, but don’t worry darling, you get it from me.” The woman replied.
Regulus looked at this woman, and felt his cheeks flare again, she was like the picture of motherhood. She had laugh lines around her mouth and eyes, and her hair was set back in a loose ponytail. She was wrapped in an elegant robe with hints of yellow, and she smiled gently at Regulus when she caught his stare.
He immediately looked down, feeling his face flame. He’d been caught staring, but he couldn’t help it, was everyone in this family so entrancing? Did they all smile so freely? Were they really so kind? Regulus felt his chest warm at the thought, and glanced back up at the older woman through his lashes as she approached.
“You must be Regulus! Sirius has told us all about you in his letters, dear! This will be your first year at Hogwarts, hm?” Regulus wanted to smile at her, and tell her that yes this was his first year,, but he quashed the feeling, and he was about to answer before he heard the bell at the door ring, the clack of heels sharp on the floor, and dread creeped through him.
He stiffened, and suddenly wished James wasn’t hanging off of him, and he wished that he’d stayed outside. He could feel his mothers ire from here, she was displeased.
“Potter.” His mother hissed, and when Regulus saw the woman in front of him stand straighter, he felt embarrassment flood through him. He wished that he could turn and walk right from this shop, he didn’t want these people- these kind, charming, smiley people - to think he was anything like his mother. He feared being like her, he didn’t want to be like her.
He’d even go as far to say that it was his worst and biggest fear.
“Hello Walburga, lovely to see you, we were just saying hello to Sirius and Regulus-”
“They do not need to be seen speaking to the likes of you.” Walburga’s voice was low, it was almost like she was speaking low to prevent people from seeing her in the presence of these people. Like the thought alone disgusted her, it probably did.
Regulus had never felt shame like the kind he did in that moment, he was so ashamed to be seen with his mother, it was horrible. James' and his mother had been nothing but kind to all of them, and mother had not responded in kind, not that she ever did. It was hard to breathe. His cheeks felt warm, and this time not from joy, but from utter mortification.
“Sirius, Regulus, come.” His mother turned, Sirius didn’t move, and Regulus felt frozen. He could feel James’s eyes on the side of his head, and he could feel his mother looking at him, and James' mother too, and Sirius-it was too much, he could feel the panic writhing up his throat, gripping him tightly. James’s arm felt like a dead-weight vice around his shoulders-
“ Now .” His mother’s tone was icy and he jumped. He turned just as Sirius did, both of them hurrying after her. Sirius waved goodbye, and left first, and Regulus wanted to do the same, he wanted to gather his courage and wave too, he could still feel his mother’s eyes on him, he wanted to wave-
So he did.
He took a deep breath and spun around, just quick enough to flash James and his mother a smile, and wave, before he too departed. His heart felt on fire as he left the shop and he avoided his mother’s gaze the entire time, not wanting the palpations to turn to one’s of dread and anxiety.
He looked to Sirius instead, and his brother smiled at him, making a face at Walburga’s back.
He slid closer to his brother, and clutched his hand, something he hadn’t done since he was a small child. His world felt like it was crumbling, and he felt lost, but in this storm, Sirius would always be there. He felt pride burst in his chest, Sirius was his favorite person ever, he loved his older brother so much in that moment, for his courage, and for standing by Regulus through thick and thin. He wanted to be just like him, he wanted to be just as brave as Sirius.
He hoped when the time came, he’d be able to.
September 6th, 1971
The train station was the same as it had been the year before, except this time, Regulus would get to leave with his brother. It wouldn’t be like last year, where he had to hold back tears, and pretend like Sirius leaving him alone with them felt like the end of the world. But no, this year they would both get on the train, and they would go to Hogwarts together.
“Now, I expect the both of you to get the highest marks in your classes, no exceptions.”
Walburga had never repeated herself, but today seemed to be an exception, and Regulus had the idea that she was probably trying to drill it into their heads.
“Regulus, you will sit with the children I’ve deemed worthy, and Sirius you will sit with your little…band of misfits.” Walburga rolled her eyes.
“Of course, mother .” Sirius drolled sarcastically.
“Of course mother.” Regulus repeated. He could still feel the sting on his cheek from this morning, when he’d asked if he could sit with Sirius, instead of these boys he didn’t know.
Mother always did have a vicious stinging hex.
“Watch your tone , Sirius.” Walburga couldn’t berate, or hit them in public, though Regulus was sure she wasn’t above it; however, her words always seemed to hold the presence of a physical blow, leaving Regulus with a lack of breath. He felt small, and he just wanted to listen to her, so that she would stop being mad.
When Regulus had said that his biggest fear was being like his mother (or his father), he lied. His biggest fear was Sirius being hurt, or losing him, that was his biggest fear. He never said it out loud, because that was weakness, and he didn’t want to give mother anymore to use against him than she had already, but that was the truth. The thought of losing Sirius reduced him to a tearful mess, and he hated it, because he looked like such a child. He didn’t feel like a child, no one treated him like a child, not even Sirius, who could sense that they were both a bit too damaged for that title anymore.
“Now Regulus,” Mother started, her tone saccharine sweet. Regulus felt a cold sweat break out on his back. He hated it. “What did you promise mother? Tell me.” The word mother sounded so foreign coming from her, it made his stomach twist.
Taking a deep breath, he willed himself not to stutter. “That I will listen, and be sorted into Slytherin.” The very idea had made him throw up the night previous.
“Good boy,” He felt himself smile slightly, she wasn’t mad. “You will follow through won’t you? You wouldn’t want to disappoint me would you…?” He knew he was playing right into her hand, and he wanted to stop it, he wanted to tell her no, but he couldn’t.
“Of course not mother.” He replied quickly. He didn’t want her to be mad at him.
“Excellent.” Her sweet tone was gone, replaced by it’s usual scorn.
“Don’t worry Reg,” Sirius threw his arms behind his head, smiling lazily down at him. Regulus saw mother’s eye twitch. “No ones a bigger disappointment than me, you’ll have to try pretty damn hard.” Sirius said it so nonchalantly. Merlin, the disrespect .
It was so addicting. Regulus wished he had the courage to mouth off to their mother like that.
“Go, now .” Walburga shoved them roughly. Stumbling Regulus followed Sirius to the train.
“Regulus.” Mother called, and Regulus felt frustration rise in him, he just wanted to go, why wouldn’t she just go?
“Yes mother?”
“Do not disappoint me.” Her face screwed up into a scowl.
How long would he be at Hogwarts again before he had to come home?
Four months?
Yeah, four months was (hopefully) enough time for him to get off scot-free for this.
Be like Sirius, be brave, be disrespectful
“Of course not mother .” He let through his most disdainful tone, letting his own face twist up in a scowl. Then he spun on his heel, not entirely missing the anger spread on her face. He did however catch Sirius’ gobsmacked expression, waiting for him by the train.
Yeah, he decided, that was more than worth whatever punishment he got. It felt so good. He felt giddy with the feeling of having back-talked his mother. God no wonder Sirius did it so much, this was fun.
Stepping into the train, he didn’t expect the arm around the neck, pulling him down, and messing up his hair.
“Ah! Sirius! Stop!” He attempted to get away (kind of, it was hard being so small).
“That was wicked Reggie! I’m such a bad influence on you.” He laughed, tugging him along.
“As if.” He grumbled, he would never tell Sirius just how much he wanted to be like him.
“Where did that come from, Reg? You sounded exactly like moi .” Sirius giggled. Giggled , like a schoolgirl.
He loved his brother, but he really was an idiot sometimes.
“I did not.” He tried to fix his hair. “I sounded like the intelligent version of you. That of which, I am.” He smirked, and got shoved for it, so he shoved back, continuing their game of shoving until abruptly he was pulled into a car.
“Gah!” He stumbled backwards, and fell flat on his ass. He could hear laughter (Sirius was so getting hexed), and apologies coming from above him. When he opened his eyes, lo and behold, there was the one and only James Potter. Smiling like a total moron, and apologizing profusely. Regulus felt that if he spent any more time in the presence of these two together then he might actually die of annoyance.
“Here Reg,” he was yanked up much too hard, and found himself face first in a sweater-cinnamon he noted, so probably James. “Sorry about that! Didn’t mean to give you a sore bottom.” Regulus sighed, and threw himself on a bench, there was no point in moving to the car he was supposed to be in (what a shame), so he supposed he’d have to stay here. He looked out at the platform, to find that his mother was nowhere to be seen, and felt himself relax.
He smiled at Remus, who waved, and then they both sighed exasperatedly at the two man-children hugging each other and pretend-sobbing about how much they missed each other.
(“I’ll never leave you again Jamie!”)
(“Good, because I don’t think I can handle it again!”)
Idiots, the two of them.
He couldn’t help but smile at the sight of them, though.
Later, when the train began to move, Sirius plopped down basically on Remus, and asked the scarred boy how his summer was. That left only the place next to him for James, who plopped down and began to speak what Regulus assumed was gibberish, so he tuned it out, closing his eyes. He let his thoughts drift.
He wondered how mad mother would be if (when) she discovered that he hadn’t gone to the compartment he was supposed to. Or when she found out he was sitting with Sirius’s band of misfits, as she’d called them. She would surely have a conniption fit. The thought made him smirk unknowingly, there was just something so satisfying about making her mad when she couldn’t do anything about it. Couldn’t hex them, couldn’t slap them, couldn’t hurt them-
“Reggie?” James asked.
“Hm?”
Suddenly there were hands in his hair and he jumped away, hitting the window painfully.
“Ow! My god, have you no concept of personal space?” He screeched, feeling his face flush, and trying to fix his hair ( again ). James only laughed and pulled him back to his spot, combing his hands through his hair again, Regulus tried to relax (key word being tried ). What did this obtuse boy think he was doing, touching people at random?
“Nope! Potter’s are huggers Reggie! We like to cuddle!” James pulled him to the side, and continued to brush through his hair. Regulus felt himself stiffen, and took a moment to tell himself that it didn’t feel good, he was just touch-starved, and that this was fine, because James wasn’t here to hurt him, he wasn’t going to-
“What was your question, ask it before I hex your mouth closed.” He warned, but there was no bite, he didn’t need to be afraid of James, Sirius told him so. He trusted Sirius, he was the only one he could trust.
“Oh! Right,” James laughed. “How do you get your hair so shiny? Mine looks like I washed it with mop water.” James joked.
“Did you not?” He tilted his head, giving his best innocent expression. James balked at him just as the other side of the car burst into laughter. Regulus couldn’t help but smirk at James, which prompted the older boy to try and mess his hair up just like Sirius.
“I swear to Merlin!” He tried to get up, to maybe make Sirius his human shield (not Remus, he liked him too much to do that to him). “Let go of me-ack!” Then he was landing flat on his ass again with James’ face pressed into his stomach. The fool was laughing like he’d just won a million galleons, clutching at his stomach.
“You’re an idiot.” Was all he said to him, his bottom would most certainly be sore tomorrow, there was no doubt.
When James settled down he extended his hand again.
“Yeah, thanks, I know.” He chuckled brightly, as Regulus took his hand. “It’s my best quality.”
“Is it not your only quality?” He sat himself back down, reaching for a book.
James inelegantly flopped next to him, sliding down the seat, until he had two chins.
“You’re a brat.” James teased, and from anyone else Regulus would think that they meant it, but not from this boy. Not from the boy with a heart of gold. Not with a smile like the sun. This was dangerous, trusting someone else not to hurt him, and yet here he was, one foot in the door already.
“Yeah, thanks I know.” He flipped his book open, casting his eyes to James from the side. “It’s my best quality.”
“That it is.” James erupted into giggles.
Idiots , the both of them.
He had basically been freaking out since the second Sirius had left him with the rest of his year. He couldn’t help it, he didn’t know any of these people (with the exception of Barty Crouch Jr. and Evan Rosier, whom he was supposed to have sat with on the train). This was completely nerve wracking, but like every good Black, Regulus simply schooled his features, and pretended that everything was fine.
Was everything going to be fine?
His heart thundered in his chest as he left his boat. Surely everything would be fine, and everything would go according to plan. The plan, right, be sorted into Slytherin, and follow mother’s every order to a T, so that she wouldn’t be mad at him. He thought about her face, and how she never smiled unless it benefitted her. He thought about her through the years, and how she was only ever distant, never happy.
He didn’t want to make her mad, but when was she ever not? It always seemed that she was angry. He never wanted to be on the receiving end of her wrath, even if he was more often than not. What eleven year old could say that their parents didn’t care about them? What eleven year old feels that way? In his chest he felt his resentment for his parents swirl. What gave them the right to treat them this way? Just because they saw fit? Was this what Sirius felt all the time? He had felt so trapped that he dismantled the box they were being kept in, and fought his way, tooth and nail to get out?
Was this what drove Sirius? This resentment for the shitty lot in life they’d been dealt? He could feel it simmering in him, but it was quickly overtaken as he entered the great hall. He suddenly felt as if every eye of the Sacred 28 was on him in this room, every one of them who was in attendance was watching him, waiting for him to do what his duty was. It felt crushing in that moment, and he searched desperately for Sirius’ eyes.
He looked to his brother, and wished he could convey how much he didn’t want this. He didn’t want to be at Hogwarts anymore, and he didn’t want to go home, he just wanted time to stop and for the world to stand still, so he would never have to do this. Sirius tried to smile at him, but it looked so forced that Regulus had to look away. Sirius didn’t believe that he could be saved from this fate, despite James’ words, and Sirius’s affirmations, he could very well end up exactly like his parents, and he would lose everything he held dear.
He imagined his mother’s eyes, cruel and blank. He thought of his father’s dismissiveness of the both of them, even as small children. He thought of every ruthless insult and curse thrown his way, thrown Sirius’s way, and felt his resolve to do what needed to be done crack right down the middle.
“Regulus Black.”
This was it, now was the time. It felt as if his heart was in his throat and he would throw it up any moment. Shakily he stepped up to the stool, and felt the hat drop onto his head. He tried to breathe as the hat began to speak to him.
“Hmm, a Black, I suppose I know where you belong child, so why do I sense so much apprehension in you?” The Hat sounded genuinely curious.
Sirius had told him that the hat talked but hearing it himself made him shiver in fear. This was it.
“I…I don’t want to go to-”
“To Slytherin? Oh child, don’t worry, if you belong there, then that’s where you belong, you don’t have to be so scared.” The hat retorted, laughing a little, and Regulus felt himself seize.
Belong? There? In that house? No, it couldn’t be. Terror raced down his spine.
“No-no I don’t think that I should-I don’t-” He tried so hard, he wanted to say no.
“This is my job child, so if you’ll excuse me-”
Horror crashed through Regulus, this couldn’t be, he couldn’t be-Sirius would-he’d hate him-no-
“Sly-!”
“No!” He yelled, and the hall stilled. Like that one word echoed on forever. No one said a thing, and fear flooded him, had he just told the Sorting Hat , no? Did anyone ever do that? Was Regulus the first? He hoped to Merlin that he wasn’t. He couldn’t move, and all he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears until the Hat spoke again.
“Hm, perhaps I was mistaken, tell me boy, what are you so afraid of? Where do you want to be?” The hat asked curiously, rather than in anger. Regulus tipped his head down, he didn’t want to see all those eyes on him.
“I am not scared.” He snapped (that was a lie). “What do you mean where do I want to be? Aren’t you supposed to know all of that?” Frustration and shame washed over him, surely his mother would hear about this, and he was sure to get hexed for this, maybe she would follow through on her promise to crucio him if he failed-
“I see,” The hat paused, “what do you want to be?” it asked finally, and Regulus could only hope he thought hard enough, because this could very well be his last chance.
I want to be strong.
I want to be like Sirius.
I want to be brave.
He could tell the hat had reached a decision when it gave a soft laugh.
“You and your brother are more alike than you think, telling me ‘no’, that is most certainly a brave thing to do, boy. Very well, I can see that you will do very well with the path you’ll take, I wish you the best of luck.” Regulus held his breath.
His mother flashed through his mind, and he squeezed his eyes shut. He could still hear her voice.
“You better not disappoint me like he has Regulus! I will not stand for it.”
“Of course not mother.”
He dug his hands in his pristine robes and twisted, and he hoped no one noticed.
“Better be…” The hat dragged on.
Breathe , he told himself, gritting his teeth.
“...Gryffindor!”
“Of course not mother.”
He had never felt particularly good about lying, especially to his mother, she could always tell when he was lying, but he’d beat her at it this time. She’d had no idea. He felt elation fill his chest.
He opened his eyes to watch the hall explode into applause and Sirius vault over a table, rushing to him as he stepped off the stool. Regulus stumbled into his embrace, shaking so hard he knew there was no way his brother didn’t notice. His brother, his big brother, smiling like an idiot and laughing-Regulus could still see the tears in his eyes. Regulus felt himself smile back, he hadn’t let Sirius down.
It was still them against the world.
He was dragged over to the table of excited Gryffindors, and people patted him on the back as he passed, offering their congratulations that he couldn’t hear. James brought him into a hug, far too tight, and far too claustrophobic for how he was currently feeling, and Regulus hugged him back just as tightly, not caring one bit.
“I told you Reggie, I knew you’d be with us.” James said happily, pulling him to sit in between him and Sirius.
I want to be brave.
“Of course not mother.”
He felt his chest tearing in two, and all he could do was smile, shaking all the while. He bit the inside of his cheek so hard it bled and felt his stomach fill with dread and exhilaration, mixing together like a potion destined for destruction. He felt Sirius grab his hand, and he met his eyes, twinkling in joy, and smiling so hard it looked like it hurt.
He thought again of his words to mother.
“Of course not mother.”
He thought of his brother, the person he loved most in this world.
“It-it’s us against the world, right Siri?”
“Yeah, always Reg.”
And then he thought of the hat.
“What do you want to be?”
He took a deep breath and smiled back at Sirius, truly, smiled, large and probably unsightly.
I want to be brave.
When Sirius stepped off the train to Hogwarts for the first time, he had been afraid, and upset, suitably, he’d assumed that he’d be put into Slytherin, and the very idea of being put into that house of tossers made his stomach churn. He had looked to his fast friend from the train -James Potter- he wanted to be a Gryffindor, he said that his dad had been one, and his mom had been a Hufflepuff. Sure Sirius had been afraid, but that fear ebbed as he was sorted into Gryffindor as well, and he sat with his house.
That would apparently not be the case this year, as his fear couldn’t be contained it seemed. He’d been fine on the train, because he’d been trying not to think about it consciously for the better part of a few months now, but sitting here watching all the new first years- his brother included- get sorted, there was no running from the thought.
He managed to meet Reggie’s eyes across the hall, and gave him what he hoped was a reassuring smile. It didn’t feel very reassuring to him. His little brother looked so uncertain, and Sirius felt crushing guilt fill his chest. If he had been sorted into Slytherin, like his mother wanted, then maybe Regulus wouldn’t feel this pressure, the pressure to be better than his brother. Regulus never would have to be forced to be mother’s pet, her perfect son. He had been thinking about it all summer, and now it was consuming-
What if Reg is a Slytherin?
It wasn’t that thought alone that scared him, he didn’t care if his brother had the properties of a Slytherin, he’d love him all the same, it was the thoughts that came with it. The thoughts that had kept him up, and made it hard to smile, because he felt like his world was about to crash around him if he thought about them too hard.
What if he stops talking to me?
“Bartemius Crouch Jr.”
What if he starts to hate me?
“Evan Rosier.”
“It’s us against the world, Reg!” He’d told his baby brother. He promised him.
“Regulus Black.”
“Always?” He could still hear the unsaid disquiet in his brother’s voice.
He’d promised him.
“Always Reg, I promise.”
He hung his head, unable to watch. He clenched his jaw, he knew what was coming, and the thought hurt. His poor brother, who would surely become his mother’s newest project the second they returned home. His brother who would be taken from him. His brother…
His whole world. Taken from him.
The thought was like a dagger through his heart, and he could feel his chest clench painfully, this was worse than any hex or curse his mother and father had ever thrown at him-this was permanent. This was life changing, and Sirius could do nothing but sit here.
He could hear the Hat clear its throat, and prepared himself as much as he could.
I’m so sorry Reggie. I can’t save you this time.
“Sly-!”
“No!”
And time seemed to still for him. The fear in his body froze, and he slowly looked toward the front of the room where everyone was looking. Shivers ran up his back. There was no fucking way .
Did his little brother just tell the Sorting Hat, ‘No’ ?
From his right he could hear James faintly say- “No way, that’s wicked.”
To his left, Remus - “What in Merlin’s bloody ba-”
“Better be…” The hat spoke again, and Sirius felt hope rise in him, like a tidal wave ready to consume him. Rising, higher and higher, ready to crash-
Please , he begged-to Merlin, to the Hat, to someone - please let him stay with me -
“...Gryffindor!”
Then the tidal wave washed right through him, as the hall erupted into cheers he threw himself over the table, stumbling to catch himself as he ran to his brother. Tears filling his eyes, ready to break.
I get to keep my promise.
He wrapped his arms around his brother, and laughed, feeling his face begin to hurt with how wide his smile was. It had been so long since he’d smiled this big.
“Always Reg, I promise.”
“I promise.” He mumbled faintly, and let the cheers bleed into nothing around them.
Later, after he’d been given the tour of what was to be essentially his home for the next seven years, Regulus went to find Sirius. Sirius actually ended up finding him first, and he pulled him into a hug.
His older brother was silent as he buried his face in his hair, being the taller of the two of them had the perks for that. Regulus hugged him back and felt some of his tension wane. He knew that he’d have to face the repercussions of his actions tomorrow, when word would surely reach his mother, and he’d have to deal with everything, but for now he just wanted his brother.
“Sirius?” He mumbled against the shoulder he was stuffed against.
“Hm?” Was all he got in return.
The question rested on his tongue, he wanted to hear the words so badly right now, he just felt so unsure about everything, and he felt embarrassed as he forced the words out of his mouth.
“Are you proud of me?” He asked softly, his eyes watering.
“Do not cry Regulus, it is unbecoming of a Black.” Mother would say.
“Oh Reg,” Sirius held him tighter, breathing shakily. “Always.”
Regulus cried anyway. It was only two tears, but it felt like a thousand at that moment.
Later, when his eyes were dry, Sirius gave him a smile, and began dragging him to the common room, and plopping him down on a couch, right between James and Remus, his grin a mile wide, like the world could end right now, and he’d still keep smiling through.
He talked with Remus for a while, the older boy telling him all about the muggle book he was reading. Pride and Prejudice, it was called, and Remus said he’d let him borrow it after he was done, but only if he was careful with it. Having never read anything muggle related (he didn’t count the anti-muggle scripture his parents kept around) he agreed very willingly, excited to explore some of the muggle world. His mother would have a fit if she knew, and he was slightly gratified by that information.
Looking to his left, he spotted James, who wasn’t joining the conversation (to be fair, neither was Regulus) and was instead gazing intently across the room, with a focus in his gaze Regulus had only ever seen when Sirius was trying to make faces at mother without her noticing. The older boy bit his lip slightly and smiled bashfully, his gaze still fixed.
Raising an eyebrow at the peculiar behavior, he followed James' gaze across the common room, landing on a girl with red hair, who was talking animatedly with two other girls. He furrowed his brows, he had yet to meet the girl, and Sirius hadn’t mentioned her to him, so he didn’t know who she was.
“James,” he queried, “who is that girl? You keep staring at her.” James jumped, and his gaze snapped away. Before James could answer, Sirius beat him to it.
“That, my dear baby brother, is Evans, and she’s James’ crushhhh!” Sirius sing-songed, leaning back over his chair. Fluttering his eyelashes and clasping his hands together in impersonation of a love-sick girl.
“Keep your voice down!” James hushed, slapping a hand over Sirius’s mouth. That didn’t last long, as he pulled back with a squeal and a wet hand.
“Did you just lick me?!” James screeched, wiping his hand on his robes.
“Yes, and come’on Jamie, everyone knows you loveee her!” Sirius grinned mischievously, sticking his tongue out. Regulus smiled at his brother, and his carefree attitude, it was such a stark contrast to how he usually acted that Regulus couldn’t help but smile. Mother would disapprove , he smiled slightly at the thought.
“I-I don’t, I mean I like her, but like-” James stumbled over his words, his face flushing darkly, and he quickly looked away as Sirius and Regulus laughed. Watching him like this was different, James (from what he had seen so far) seemed so confident, and charismatic, so to see him as a blushing stumbling mess was rather endearing and funny.
“So you like her?” Regulus inquired, nudging James with his shoulder. He wouldn’t tease the other boy, even if he didn’t understand. The concept of liking people like that was something he’d thought about, but he’d never had the issue before, so he didn’t think about it too hard.
But he’d try to talk to James about it, they were friends (right?) after all.
“Yeah I do, her name is Lily, and she’s really smart, and she’s pretty too right?” James asked, sliding down the seat, probably hoping not to be seen by the red-head. James' face flushed again as he looked back at her.
Regulus took a moment to study the girl across the room from them. Objectively, she wasn’t bad looking, she had clear skin, and freckles dotting her cheeks. She had a nice smile, and seemed nice at face value (Regulus would be the judge of that later). Her hair really was fiery, and bushy. All in all, she seemed perfectly normal, he supposed she was good enough for James, if only by picture.
“I guess,” He began, “but I don’t know her, so I can’t say much. She seems…lovely?” He tried to smile at James (he was sure it looked awkward), not really knowing how to respond. Romance didn’t bother him, but he also just didn’t really know what to do with the concept. He tried to think of a romantic relationship to put into context, but all he could think of was his parents-they were decidedly a bad choice, because they kept their distance from each other like the plague.
James laughed, and leaned into his side, “You’re so stiff Reggie! You talk like such an old geezer!” James grinned, nudging his ankle. “Loosen up mate, we’re all friends here.”
Regulus tried to relax, even if he didn’t really know how. He spent most of the evening chatting idly with Remus, and then back to James, letting him bounce prank idea’s off of him. Before he went to bed, he chose then to watch Sirius, he watched him laugh and joke with James, watched him sink into his chair in merriment. Relaxing was never something he did, not something either of them did, never at home.
If Sirius felt safe here, then it must be.
This was Sirius’s home.
It was only later when he rolled over in his bed, thinking of the day’s events, that James' words sunk in.
“...we’re all friends here.” He’d said.
Regulus felt a grin stretch his face, maybe this wouldn’t be as bad as he thought.
September 8th, 1971
He had hoped (very, very foolishly) that his parents wouldn’t be upset by his sorting, but he should have known better, he should have anticipated this. He’d seen how upset they’d been when Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor, and he’d told mother that he wouldn’t disappoint her, yet here he was. He didn’t want them to be mad at him, he didn’t want to think about what would happen when Yule came around, and he had to actually speak to them in person. His skin prickled in anticipation of the punishment that surely awaited him.
He thought about James’ letter, from what felt like a lifetime ago.
I hope that they won’t be too disappointed when you end up in Gryffindor too! He’d written.
Secretly, even though he’d tried not to think about it, he had hoped his parents wouldn’t be disappointed either. He’d hoped that perhaps because he was the spare , the extra son, they wouldn’t be too upset about something he couldn’t control (that was a fat lie, he’d told the Sorting Hat ‘No’, he definitely controlled that outcome). But because Sirius had failed them, it was up to Regulus to make them proud.
He’d done the exact opposite, it seemed.
Yet here he was, holding a letter that contained all his worst fears, right there, it was only a few short lines, and yet he could feel his heart breaking. He couldn’t keep the tears from flowing down his cheeks, and he stifled another sob as he read it again. He felt like such a child.
There had been no introduction as if the words couldn’t be mistakenly given to anyone else.
We are so disappointed in you Regulus, I hope you know how much you’ve disgraced our family by ending up just like your failure of a brother. We expected better of you, the amount of shame that Sirius brought us is vast, yet nothing is more humiliating than what you have done.
We will speak more about this absurd incident when you return for Yule, this will not be forgiven.
-W.B
His chest twisted and he gulped desperate air as he tried to breathe and cry and at the same time, it felt impossible and overwhelming, and he sobbed silently into his arm. His thoughts were scattered, panicked, he couldn’t get himself under control. He was supposed to be better than this! He was supposed to be above this!
She’s going to hate me, she’s going to hurt me, oh Merlin, she’s going to-
“Regulus? Is that you?”
Remus.
He hadn’t even heard him approach, mother would be disappointed; at the thought another silent sob racked his body, lurching him forward slightly. Raising his eyes begrudgingly, he saw two pairs of shoes in front of him. He slid over on the stairs so they could pass, hoping they would just walk by.
“Sorry.” He mumbled, and cursed his hoarse voice.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t so lucky, and Remus sat down next to him. The older boy grasped his shoulder, and turned him towards him. Regulus clutched the paper tighter as Remus tried to catch his eye.
“Do not cry Regulus, it is unbecoming of a Black.” Father, their silent warden.
“Regulus what happened? Are you okay? Is everything alright?” Remus sounded so worried, and uncomfortable, it made Regulus feel even worse, he didn’t want to burden Remus with worrying about him, or making him uncomfortable. From what he’d seen, Remus didn’t know how to handle emotional situations very well, so that made him feel even worse than before.
Merlin, he felt pathetic.
Instead of speaking, he just clutched his parent’s letter tighter, wishing he could will the words on the page away. Wished he’d never read them at all. Wished they were kind, and comforting. Wished that he wasn’t such a coward.
I want to be brave.
Maybe the Hat was right. Maybe they’d known best after all, and Regulus should’ve just accepted his fate as a Slytherin; accepted that he basically forced his way into a house that he didn’t belong in. He felt so stupid. What traits of a Gryffindor did he have? He wasn’t brave, he wasn’t overly kind, or strong, he was the spare, he was just following Sirius.
I followed Sirius here because I wanted to keep my brother. I want to be like him, but am I anything like him anyway? What was I thinking?
“Regulus? Will you please tell me what’s wrong?” Remus sounded pained, and Regulus felt his already cracking heart spiderweb even further. He met the eyes of his friend, and suddenly felt every ounce of resolve crumble, dropping the letter, he fell into Remus, sobbing so hard it hurt.
“Pathetic.” Mother, their silent nightmare.
I’m such a coward.
It felt like his throat was going to collapse, along with his chest, and then maybe his body would follow, and he’d just crumble into a pile right here on the floor, useless and small. People would walk right over him his whole life, and he’d let them.
He felt someone lean into his back, and they held onto him too.
“Oh honey,” The voice soothed, he didn’t recognize it, but a glimpse of red hair out of the corner of his eye told him all he needed to know. “It’s okay, we have you.” She smoothed the creases of his robes and he felt his throat close.
How can strangers be this kind? Mother won’t even touch me.
The thought of his lamentable relationship with his parents made his chest heave and he tried to suck in breaths. It hurt, feeling like these two people who barely knew him, cared more than the woman who brought him into this world did. Cared more than the person who was supposed to protect him from everything. How could it be?
He decided that thinking about it would only make him cry harder, so he resolved to not, and instead clutched to Remus harder, hoping that his friend wouldn’t mind too much. He felt pathetic, tired, and empty.
He couldn’t see them, but Remus’s eyes had never left the letter that had fluttered to their feet, his eyes scanning, and re-scanning the letter until the words were burned into his brain just as much as they were Regulus’s.
Stomping through his dorm room, Remus slammed the door shut and scanned the room. James and Sirius were both in the middle of the room and they had been talking until he’d come in it seemed. He had no eyes for James at this moment however, and instead he marched right over to Sirius and dropped his bag at their feet, he stared right into gray eyes and ordered-
“Up.”
“What?” Sirius asked incredulously, looking properly flabbergasted.
“Get up,” He ordered again, trying to keep the shake from his voice. He wasn’t very good at the comforting thing, he knew, but- “please.” He added.
Sirius shared a look with James and stood up, cocking his head to the side, smiling unassuredly.
“You’re so bossy Rem, what’s-” But Remus didn’t talk, he just stepped forward and grabbed Sirius so hard he was sure it hurt. He wrapped an arm around his neck and the other around his back, holding him firm, because he simply couldn’t believe how people as kind as Sirius and Regulus could ever come from someone-someone like-
…just like your failure of a brother. He’d read it. He couldn’t seem to look away from it when he had. Such brutal words, and for a child. They were seared into the forefront of his mind, and they repeated like a mantra to him.
“Remus,” Sirius jerked, clearly not used to physical contact, at least not when he didn’t initiate it. “What are you doing, mate?” But Remus couldn’t listen, his head hurt, and his heart ached for his friend. The image that he’d had of Sirius in his head began to crumble, and he didn’t know what to do, because how could he not have noticed ? How could he have just not seen?
…the amount of shame that Sirius brought us is vast, yet nothing is more humiliating than what you have done.
To her own children.
He thought of his mother, Hope, and he thought of her smile. He thought of how she’d run her hands through his hair after a full moon, and how she cried for him when he was weak, and with new scars. He thought of when he’d cried to her that father hated him now, and how he wished he wasn’t a werewolf and all she could do was hold him, because she couldn’t help him, not in the way he needed , not in the way that he wanted , but she was there .
Oh, my friend, why didn’t you tell me? He thought despondently.
But deep down he knew why, and he wanted to yell at Sirius about how stupid he was to hide this, and he wanted to walk right up to their mother and tell her where she could shove it.
But most of all he wanted to help his friend, even though he couldn’t.
There were just some things that others couldn’t help you with, Remus knew that better than anyone, so he took one last breath of something that was just Sirius, and stepped back, holding him by his shoulders. He looked in his eyes, and saw the confusion, the trepidation, along with something he couldn’t decipher, and tried his best to compose himself.
“You should go talk to Regulus,” he squeezed Sirius’s shoulders. “He’s in the common room,” Remus felt his heart clench at the panic in Sirius's eyes. “I think he really needs his big brother right now.” And then he nodded and stepped out of the way as Sirius ran for the door.
He could really only think about how Sirius had never hugged him back-like he’d been afraid to do so.
He thought of his eyes again and suddenly he knew what the look was, he knew what the smell in the air was, because he’d smelled it on himself more times than he cared to count.
Fear .
Regulus sat alone in the common room, well not entirely alone. Lily and her friends were there, but they were on an entirely different couch. Remus had left him to go upstairs but Regulus couldn’t find the energy to care, he was so tired. His thoughts had been driving him mad for the past few days and here he was, exhausted, and frustrated still.
His fingers flexed around his letter, and he stared at it. The firelight illuminated the words so softly that if Regulus pretended hard enough, maybe he could imagine that they were words of affirmation and congratulations, and acceptance. He’d never had the ability to lie to himself so vividly, he liked the truth, and he knew that that wasn’t the truth in this moment.
He looked back to the fire, and felt the actual truth wash over him.
His parents were upset he wasn’t in Slytherin. They were mad he was becoming like Sirius. He was frustrated, because it wasn’t what he wanted to hear from them, even though he knew that they would never actually be proud of him.
He stood up, and walked towards the fire.
His parents only had the both of them, because they needed heirs. His parents didn’t love each other. His parents would never be happy for him, or proud of him.
He let his eyes skim the words once more.
We are so disappointed in you Regulus, I hope you know how much you’ve disgraced our family by ending up just like your failure of a brother-
No, he wasn’t a failure. Sirius wasn’t a failure. They had each other, it was them against the world. He had his brother, that was what mattered the most.
“Reg? Hey, what’s going on?” He could hear Sirius’s protectiveness from here, and it made his chest swell.
“Are you proud of me?”
He could ask it again, right now, and he knew he’d get the same answer as before.
“Oh Reg,”
He threw the letter in the fire, watching the words burn away, and felt a little lighter.
“Always.”
“Nothing, Siri, I’m just…” He turned back to see his older brother watching the fire next to him, tracing the ashes, as if he could put their parents' letter back together by will alone. He wondered if this was how Sirius felt, when he’d been sorted, but he had been all alone, Regulus hadn’t been there for him.
No, Regulus hadn’t been, but James Potter had been. He had saved Sirius when Regulus couldn’t, but he was here now, and they could save each other this time.
He reached over, and grabbed his brother’s hand. Nothing would ever be the same after this year, Regulus knew, but for now, he would make the most of his time, he would enjoy it, and he wouldn’t think about his mother, or his father, or their dark home, and what would be waiting for him when he returned.
“Yeah Reg, I know.” Sirius smiled and pulled him under his arm, messing with his hair. “You’re such a cry baby Reggie! Do you need me to kiss it better?” He taunted.
“Ahh! No! Let go of me! Sirius!” He struggled and felt his brother laugh, whole, and real.
For now, he would be brave.
“Nope! Not until you say, and I quote “Sirius Black is the best ever and he has better hair than I do.” go on now, I’m waiting.” Sirius continued to muse his hair.
“Never! We both know I have better hair than you anyway! Everyone can see it!” He smacked Sirius with a flailing arm, and heard an exaggerated groan from above.
“Oh bulls-” They both hit the floor, and Sirius burst into a fit of outrageous laughter. Regulus smirked next to him, rolling his eyes, his brother was a moron.
He would be brave, he had to be.
Because he couldn’t lose this.
He couldn’t lose himself.
I want to be brave.