Chapter Text
Monday, 12/18/2175 11:31:12
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Richard “Don’t-Call-Me-Dick” Sanchez took a moment to check his hair in the mirror attached to the inside of his locker door. As always, his black shiny, “not greasy”, hair was slicked back with a copious amount of hair gel, not a single strand out of place. Smirking at himself confidently, he slammed the locker shut and sauntered out of the lab and down the hall. He had spent hours perfecting his strut and practicing his “saucy” wink for the ladies and now he used both skills to put the charm on the passing group of female interns.
“Ladies.” He acknowledged them, eyes locked on their curves and thus missing the disgusted or shocked looks he got in response as he continued on his way, looking like he was learning how to walk with how awkward his strut was. The giggling and chattering that sprang up behind him he attributed to them being interested when, in reality, they were sharing their disbelief at how delusional the pompous man was.
Richard strolled into the science break room and paused, eyeing the line of waiting people with a twitching eyebrow at the fact that his carefully planned break time was being interrupted by this. Walking past the line, he realized they were all waiting for coffee and the reason none of them were getting any was that the coffee maker was, once again, broken.
“End of the line’s that way.” One of the older scientists sneered, eyeing Richard with disdain and jerking his head back the way the greasy man had come. “We’re waiting for J to finish dealing with an emergency and you’ll not be cutting in line.” He warned and Richard sneered back.
“I was not cutting in line.” He lied before glancing at the coffee maker. “I was coming to fix the coffee maker since J is so busy.”
“Uh-huh.” The older scientist shot him a deadpan glare, sarcasm dripping from his voice. “Nice try buddy.”
“No, really, I’m going to fix it for J.” Richard said and swaggered forward with fake confidence, nudging his way past the last few scientists so he was standing in front of the machine.
Now, Richard was used to dealing with complex lab equipment that required precise calibrations and careful handling, so he figured that a simple office coffee maker would be easy in comparison. Of course, Richard himself had nothing to do with calibrating the machine and, in reality, his only interaction with said machinery was to insert and remove samples in the proper locations and read through the output codes that were sent to his computer from those complex machines. So, staring down at the coffee maker, Richard tried to ignore the bead of sweat that formed on the back of his neck as he faced the suddenly horrifyingly complex machine before him.
Gulping but unwilling to back down in front of the sea of grumbling and staring scientists behind him, Richard grit his teeth and reached forward to start trying to understand the machine that up until now, he had simply received coffee from.
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11:51:32
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J sighed as they trudged down the hallway towards the scientists’ break room from the elevator, leaving their nearly omnipresent cleaning cart by the cleaning closet and absently using a rag to try to clean some of the smeared grease and grime from their hand. Thankfully, the engineers who had been putting together some new machine for the scientists to use had managed to contain the mess before J had gotten there, but it had still been frustrating to clean up the mess in the newly refurbished lab that shouldn’t have needed any sort of cleaning until after the scientists were given free reign. Shaking their head, J hooked the dirty rag into their supply belt and pushed open the door to the break room.
A cacophony greeted them and J paused, blinking as they took in the crowd of angrily arguing scientists surrounding the counter where the coffee maker should be. Stepping forward, J strode towards the group, the sound level slowly dropping as scientists started noticing them and fell silent, shifting out of their way. Reaching the counter, J frowned at the back of one scientist who was muttering to himself and tugging at something.
SNAP. J froze at the sound, eyes narrowing at the man’s back as he let out an excited ‘ah-ha’ and raised a piece of broken plastic and metal above his head triumphantly. J growled, hand snapping out and plucking the piece from the clammy hands as the man yelped in surprise and spun around, cowering back against the counter.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” J demanded slowly, staring down the fat, sweating, greasy man before them.
“I- uh- um- I-I-I’m fixing it!” The man stuttered up at J who stared down at him. A bolt of dread went down J’s spine and they took a deep breath, waving the man out of the way. He shuffled awkwardly to the side, revealing the sight of what used to be a working coffee maker that only needed to be turned on to be ‘fixed’.
Somehow, the man had managed to open up the side paneling of the machine to reveal the wires and computer parts and, in his foolish attempt to assist, had managed to tangle all of them and make a mess of the entire thing. Eyeing the broken part in their hand, J hissed out a breath to keep from swearing. The part had the coffee company’s logo on it, or at least, part of it, the bottom half cut off by the jagged edge of broken plastic. J slowly turned their glare on the greasy scientist who had destroyed the coffee maker.
“You just broke this part.”
“W-what?! P-preposterous! I was fixing it!” The man whined in a tone that made J’s eye twitch.
“The hell you were.” J snapped, scowling at the man who flinched back. “Who the fuck gave you permission to attempt to fix this?”
“I-I-I, uh, well, um, you see-”
“He said you told him to.” One of the older scientists cut the greasy man off, causing him to look around and gulp at the sight of all of his colleagues and supervisors glaring at him. J’s eyes closed as they reached up to pinch their brow, sighing deeply in frustration.
“... Expect a dock in your pay from HR for the parts that you broke.” J finally stated, turning their attention to the coffee maker.
“What?! But I was fixing it!” The man blubbered and J snapped around, shoving into his face and snarling in frustration.
“The Hell You Were!” J jabbed a finger into his chest with each word, sending the man stumbling back into the wall where they were pinned by J’s glare which threatened violence. “You were trying to make yourself look good and you ended up making it worse. Now, what should have been a simple job is now going to take at least ten times longer, not even counting how long it will take for this piece” J waved the broken plastic threateningly in their face, causing him to whimper in fear “to be replaced. You break it, you buy it. Now get the fuck out of my sight.” J turned back to the coffee maker as the trembling, sweating man ran from the room to jeers and cat-calls from the other scientists.
“Fuck.” J cursed as they dropped the broken piece next to the mess and leaned on their hands, eyeing the mass of tangled wires.
“Erm, sorry.” J slowly turned their head to stare at the older scientist who had shimmied up beside them. “Do you know how long this will take? It’s just, I only have a few minutes left on my break…” J groaned and dropped their head, banging their chin against their chest. “... Right, well, I’ll -uh- just head back to my lab then. I’ll check back at my next break?”
“... I’ll leave a note on the coffee maker if it’s still out of order.” J stated and sighed as the scientist scurried back to the group to let the others know. Within a few moments, the break room emptied as the scientists headed back to their assigned labs and offices. Once the room was silent, J rolled their neck and turned, dragging over one of the stools to sit on and unplugging the still-plugged-in coffee maker, wondering how the idiot hadn’t electrocuted himself before they got to work.
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12:13:08
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“Of course this stupid fucking company would make a stupid fucking part for this stupid fucking machine that this oh-so-fucking-fancy fucking stupid fucking machine couldn’t fucking work without. Fuck!” J tossed the screwdriver down beside the coffee maker and stared at the jaggedly broken part they had finally managed to remove from its housing, glaring darkly at the stubbornly-not-working-despite-several-work-around-attempts coffee maker.
They snarled as yet another alarm started blaring around them, alerting that a chemical fire had started in Lab 12 B. J added it to their mental list of things to repair, along with Lab 84 C which had a dead specimen to clean up requiring a special chemical compound only J was certified to handle and Lab 22 A which needed the foam removed from the HVAC system’s vent shaft that was released to counteract a dangerous chemical gas from some experiment that hadn’t gone as planned. After a few long moments, the alarm turned off and a timid call for clean-up came over the radio from one of the interns in Lab 12 B.
Grumbling in defeat, J stood up and stalked across the room to the phone attached to the wall. Jerking the phone’s handset out of the cradle, J shoved it under their ear and pinned it against their shoulder as they stabbed in the number for the HR office. As it rang, J idly tugged the rag back out to rub at some more of the grease on their hands.
“Human Resources, this is Phil.” J paused at the unfamiliar voice before remembering that HR were hosting a temp from another facility for a few weeks.
“Hey Phil, this is J. I’m down here in the scientist break room and their coffee maker is seriously broken. I’m going to need to order the replacement part from their company and have the amount docked from the idiot that broke it.”
“Uh… okay, got the form here. What’s the name and id number of the person to dock it from?”
“Name: Richard Sanchez. ID: 87872402.” J rattled off, listening to the sound of typing over the line as they sneered down at the spot where their skin had been stained by the grease.
“Alright, got it.”
“Good. Also; need permission to buy a cheap replacement coffee maker to tide the scientists over until the replacement part gets here.”
“... Why?” J paused and raised an eyebrow slowly.
“To keep the scientists caffeinated.” J stated slowly and frowned at the scoff that came back.
“The beakers? They’ll be fine without their precious coffee for a few days. Besides, we don’t have enough flexibility in the budget for a new, temporary coffee maker.”
Bullshit. J thought as their eyes narrowed and they deadpanned a slow “Really.”
“Really really.” Phil chuckled back and J could hear clicking in a way that made them think he was playing a card game on his computer.
“Then I highly recommend putting a hold on all science experiments and lab time until the replacement part arrives.”
“Puh-lease.” Phil scoffed again and J’s jaw clenched in response, “Just do your job and don’t worry about the fucking beakers and their precious coffee.”
“I’m seri-” J was cut off by a sudden click as Phil hung up on them. “You fucking asshat.” J growled as they slammed the phone back down and spun around to stalk over to the company computer terminal across the room. Punching in their code, J deftly navigated to the proper sites and ordered the replacement part, choosing the fastest, most expensive shipping option. Pressing confirm, the page took a moment to load before J stared at the expected arrival date and groaned in dismay.
“Friday. Five fucking days. Fuck.” They groaned and made sure the information was sent to their company email as a backup before shutting down the terminal. They had only a moment to stare at the dark screen before another alarm started sounding.
“Alert! Containment Breach on Level 7. Repeat: Containment Breach on Level 7. All personnel follow Containment protocol. This is Not a Drill.”
“This is going to be the week from hell.”
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Friday, 12/22/2175 10:47:52
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“HR to J.” J paused in their scrubbing as Pam’s voice came over the radio. Dropping the brush into the bucket beside them, J paused their Walkman’s music, wincing at the familiar and grating sound of an alarm going off and flipped their radio to pick up their voice.
“This is J, what’s up Pam?”
“A package just arrived for you from Coffee Maker Incorporated.”
“Thank the fucking Gods.” J quickly turned towards the stairwell, “I’m on my way.” Flipping the radio pick up off again, J practically sprinted down the hall and up the stairs - the elevator was locked down almost constantly from the different alarms and J wanted to get the part installed and coffee back in the science break room before their upcoming break time.
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Pam blinked in surprise at the radio before turning to Susan who was sitting beside her, her own expression matching Pam’s.
“What do you think is in that package to cause J to swear over the radio?” Pam asked, still startled.
“Hmm. Wonder if it has something to do with all these alarms going off this week?” Susan asked, catching Julie’s attention from where she was returning with the box.
“What’s going on with the alarms?” She asked, setting the box on the counter and leaning over to join the conversation.
“J swore over the radio to us just now when I told them about the package.” Pam explained, nodding as Julie’s eyes widened in surprise. “I know! And Susan wondered if that package has something to do with the alarms going off so much.”
“Well you know that J’s work load goes up whenever they have to clean up after an alarm. And there’s been 87-”
“88” Pam interjected.
“Right, 88 alarms just this week!”
“My goodness. Poor J; that really is too much extra work in just one week.” Julie sighed, frowning slightly. “Perhaps-” She and the other ladies gasped in surprise as the door suddenly banged opened and J stumbled in, out of breath. “J! Did you run here?”
“Yeah.” J panted, striding over and scooping up the box, glaring at it darkly. They didn’t notice the looks of concern that were passed between the HR ladies, only looking up and pausing when Susan cleared her throat meaningfully.
“What exactly is this part for J? It seems quite important from how you reacted so far.”
“Coffee maker in the scientist break room.” J stated, frowning slightly. “Didn’t Phil tell you guys after I called it in on Monday?” Pam and Julie’s eyes narrowed as they shot glares in the direction of the back of the office where Phil’s back was just visible in the cubical they had banished him to. Susan huffed slightly.
“No he did not.” Her voice dripped venom and her eyebrows furrowed as she leaned forward. “Do you mean to tell me that the scientists have not had their coffee this entire week?” J shook their head, sighing deeply and sagging against the countertop.
“I asked Phil if we could get a replacement coffee maker but he said there wasn’t room in the budget. He also said we couldn’t close the labs this week. That the “beakers” would be fine.” J stated blandly, adding the finger-quotes around beakers while raising an eyebrow meaningfully at Susan.
“I see.” She drawled slowly, turning in her seat to join the others in glaring at the man in question. “It seems we didn’t hear about a lot this week.”
“In the meantime,” Pam turned back, picking up the phone and sighing, “Let’s try to prevent any more catastrophes.” She quickly typed in a code and moments later, her voice was sounding throughout the facility.
“Attention please. All science staff are to close down their labs for the long weekend and report to the assembly hall A01 at this time. Repeat: close down the labs for the weekend and report to A01. Any science staff who take longer than 30 minutes to do so will have their pay docked.”
J tilted their head and waited until Pam had hung up the phone before speaking. “Will you have someone check all the labs or do you want me to do that?”
“I’ll get a team to do it later. Now, J.” She straightened in her seat, pinning J with a penetrating stare. “You are going to go fix that coffee maker and then you are going to clock out and take the long weekend off. Remember,” she cut off J’s forming protest, “you get a bonus for each alarm that goes off during your shift so the slight loss in hours won’t impact your pay this month. Take the time off J, and I highly recommend you call out on Tuesday as well but I won’t force the issue with you. Just promise me you’ll think about it?”
“... Fine, I’ll think about it.” J relented, sighing slightly as their shoulders sagged. “You sure it’s okay if I leave early?”
“Absolutely.” Julie interjected, gently placing her hand on J’s forearm. “You’ve had a horrible week which could have been prevented. Now, go fix that coffee maker then go home.”
“Alright. Have a great weekend Julie, Pam, Susan.” J nodded to each of them and took the box, heading out of their office. The ladies waited until the door had shut before they turned as one to glare at the cubical.
“Phil.” Pam’s voice was dark and sharp as she called for the irritating man. “Come here.”
“What does the old hag want now?” They all heard the man mutter to himself before he pushed his chair back to grace them with a ‘charming’ smile. “Yes Pammy?”
“For the last time, Phillip, my name is Pam.” Pam nearly snarled in her darkest, scary-HR-lady voice, making Phil pale at her tone. “My office, now.” She snapped, standing and striding to her rarely-used office as Phil gulped and nervously followed. She yanked the door open and pointed him in before her, watching as he skittered past her.
“Sit.” She snapped, pointing him to the uncomfortable wooden chair seated before her desk as she moved around him to sit herself, secretly delighting in the way he had to awkwardly fold himself to fit in the short chair. Settling herself in her comfortable office chair, she leaned back slightly and observed him as he fidgeted under her gaze. Just as he looked about to speak, she spoke over him.
“You know, you were sent here for a reason, Phillip. Do you have any idea what that reason was?” She asked blandly, watching him with her practiced, unnerving stare that made him squirm uneasily.
“Uh, well, I t-thought it was because I was in-line for a promotion and this was to give me some extra training?” His statement turned into a question as her stare became harder.
“... You were certainly sent here for more training, but not because you’re in-line for a promotion. In fact, you were sent here, to me, as a last-ditch attempt to train you up to some level of basic competence.” She watched dispassionately as a bead of sweat formed on his brow and his adam’s apple bobbed from his harsh and nervous swallow.
“B-basic c-competence?”
“That’s right.” She snapped, cutting him off and making him flinch back against his seat. “Basic competence. Which means, Phillip, that you are currently incompetent. You were sent here in order to try to get you to a point where you wouldn’t be fired. Afterall, the company has already spent quite a few hours of training on you and have invested in you as an employee.”
“I-I-”
“However, there is a point where the company must cut. it’s. losses.” She leaned forward, punctuating her last three words by jabbing her finger against her desk.
“I-I-”
“You, Mr. Phillip Jacobson, have had nothing but complaints filed against you since you first joined this company. This past week, I have witnessed firsthand just how incompetent you are. And now, I learn that this week’s raft of disasters have occurred because you decided to ignore the warnings and suggestions from one of our highest rated and ranked personnel at this facility. You decided to deny their reasonable request. You decided to do the bare minimum you job entails. And you decided not to report anything about this event to me, your direct supervisor and trainer. And then, not just moments ago, you decided to insult me within my earshot.”
“...” He gaped at her, face pale and eyes wide as he realized just how badly he had messed up. Her face was stony as she stared back at him and his stomach flipped, heart sinking as she pulled out a horrifically familiar triplicate form.
“Your previous supervisor sent this to me before your arrival, along with his hopes that I would be able to shred it at the end of your training with me. It seems you have managed to disappoint both of us again as now we will finish filling this out and filing it, Mr. Jacobson.” She stated, spreading the Termination of Employment paperwork that was partially filled out with Phillip Jacobson’s information on her desk. Picking up her pen, she met his eyes and shook her head with a tsk-tsk sound. “Such a pity we wasted so many resources on you.”
Susan and Julie shared a look and a dark smirk at the pathetic whimper that escaped past the heavy door before they turned back to their work of organizing the impromptu meeting Pam had set in motion. “Caffeine and Lab Safety” sure had a catchy ring to it.
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J hummed softly to themself as they finished screwing the side panel back onto the coffee machine. Reaching over, they plugged it back in and smiled as the control panel lit up with a welcoming ding. Taking a moment to refill the water and coffee beans, they pressed a couple of buttons and settled a large mug under the openings, listening with delight as the machine began grinding the beans and boiling the water.
“Alert! This is Not a Drill! Containment Breach on Levels: 4, 5, 6, 8, 12, and 16. Repeat: Containment Breach on Levels: 4, 5, 6, 8, 12, and 16. Chemical Fire on Level 14. All Personnel are to follow Fire and Containment Protocols.”
J hummed louder, eyes fixed on the coffee maker as they ignored the alarm and flashing lights, eyes lighting up as the creamy brown coffee began flowing out of the machine and into their mug. The sounds of gunfire and screams echoed into the room from the hallway as the coffee maker let out a soft tune and the flow of coffee cut off. Lifting their mug from the machine, J leaned against the counter and blew softly over the hot liquid before taking a long, slow sip of the cappuccino the machine had brewed.
Sighing softly, J lazily watched the door as they decided to finish their drink before venturing out to collect their stuff and head home. Tilting their head slightly at the loud thud and shrill screams coming from the hallway, J mused that they just might decide to take Tuesday off as well.