Chapter Text
Sejanus could feel blood pooling between his fingers as he sat and stared.
When he was a kid and he’d get overwhelmed, he found the easiest and quickest way to ground himself back into his body was to dig his nails into his palms. It started light, the slight pressure in his palm reminding him he was alive, he was safe. Of course, it only got worse as time went on.
One night, after a particularly nasty fight between his parents, a 10-year-old Sejanus dug his nails in so deep that they bled all night. Even long after they had healed, he could see the scars for years. Since then, it hadn’t happened again. He learned to control his anger as he grew older, harming himself was never the way to go.
That is until Monday morning, as Sejanus watched the camera zoom in on his worst fear coming to life.
All weekend Sejanus was a nervous wreck. Unable to pay attention to anything going around him, his only focus was on one thought. The endless possibilities of Marcus’ fate. Sejanus had to take two anti-anxiety pills before leaving his apartment for the interviews. He was such a mess.
The interviews passed by in a flash, he hadn’t really been paying attention. It was too much to bear. Lucy Gray sang a beautiful song, and as usual, as she sang, Sejanus was moved. Her voice was sweet and smooth but had a sort of roughness to it.
Sunday was a blur as well, he attended classes in the morning, turning in his essay about what he loved about the war. When Dr. Gaul had picked on him to share, as expected, he told the truth.
Sejanus flipped over his paper and read the first line.
“‘The only thing I loved about the war was the fact that I still lived at home.’” he looked up, and directly over to Dr. Gaul.
Sejanus was tired, and he was sure it showed. Sleep was hard to come across, and he could hardly keep food down anymore since his stomach was in knots.
As the two argued back and forth, the classroom murmured their disapproval around Sejanus, cursing nasty things behind his back. Clearly, they didn’t agree with anything he had to say. Sejanus could even feel Coriolanus’ gaze burning into his back. Yet, he didn’t dare stand down. Not after everything he’d gone through.
“May I ask, what did you love about the war, Dr. Gaul?” asked Sejanus, continuing to look her in the eye.
“I loved how it proved me right.”
Sejanus hadn't known what she meant, and he had thought about it all night. He hated Dr. Gaul. She was to blame for all the terrible things happening around them, and yet she was just a product of her environment. The Capitol had weaponized her and used her to their benefit. Though she had given a willing hand, Sejanus couldn’t help but think she too was a victim of the system.
He understood exactly what she meant as the screen opened, dawning over the arena. If he felt any sympathy for her before, he certainly did not now.
All of the 14 remaining tributes stood in a circle, surrounding fallen rubble from the explosions a few days prior in the middle of the arena. While off to the side, the cameras slowly drew in closer, pulling everyone’s attention to the concrete beam. He hadn't been able to see what seemed to be hanging in the middle, but as the screen got closer, Sejanus knew right away. He was wearing the clothes Sejanus had seen him in that last morning, the clothes he’d been wearing since the Reaping.
It was Marcus, beaten and hanging bound by his hands, 10 feet above the ground. Sejanus had to stop himself from gasping, his stomach dropped into his feet as he stared up at the screen, fingernails ripping into the skin on his palms. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t take his eyes off him.
Sejanus thought Marcus was dead. At first glance, anyone would think he was. His face was barely recognizable, it was beaten and bloody, swollen lips and eyes created a distorted monster covering up whatever semblance of a human was there previously. Yet, through all the bruises and blood and swollen skin Sejanus knew Marcus’ face. He knew it better than he knew his own.
It was horrible. Marcus looked like he’d been tortured. He had swollen wounds all over his face and arms, bruises, and seeping wounds. He couldn't bear to think about what they’d done to him. To his Marcus.
Sejanus felt sick, he almost looked away, almost was able to tear his eyes away from the screen until Marcus moved. The whole room realized at once that he was most definitely alive, being paraded on a stake for all of Panem to see.
Sejanus was shaking, he couldn’t contain himself any longer. Blood collected in his palms as he dug his fingernails deep into his skin, hissing at the pain as he bled. They all watched as Marcus hung up between those posts, waiting for the games to begin. His swollen lips started to move, his mouth opening to form a word Marcus had spoken just about a thousand times in the last few days they’d spent together.
“Sejanus,” Marcus called out, though there was no audio, and Sejanus wasn’t completely certain he wasn’t hallucinating, it was enough to send him launching from his seat before he could even think.
Sejanus’ chair took off behind him as he slapped his bloody palm on an empty seat in front of him. With all his might, he threw the chair straight at the big screen in front of them, and right into Marcus’ bloody face.
“Monsters!” Sejanus screamed, looking out at all his classmates and patrons there to watch the games. They all looked horrified back at him. “You’re all monsters here!”
Rage coursed through his body as he stood in the front of the room. A mixture of disgust, sadness, and anger swirling around his head.
Not knowing where else to go after causing the scene he had, Sejanus ran to the back of the room and pushed through the doors leading to the Academy Halls. He sprinted through the dimly lit halls, tears freely flowing from his eyes. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t breathe, he could only see Marcus’ beat-up face everywhere he looked. Then, when he closed his eyes, he was lit up behind Sejanus’ eyelids.
Eventually, Sejanus found his way out, stumbling out a side entrance of the school, and nearly tripping over his own feet in the process. As he broke out into the fresh air he stopped, panting hard to catch his breath. Then, as if he was punched in the gut, Sejanus leaned over his right and emptied the contents of his stomach into the bushes.
His throat burned, his eyes stung, and his legs wobbled. Sejanus didn’t know where to go, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do. His brain was so mixed up that he found himself going home, his legs taking him down the path he could remember the easiest.
He’d puked three more times before arriving home, every time he pictured Marcus’ face he’d gag. Tears were permanently leaking down his cheeks, and as Sejanus approached his front door he realized what he had to do.
There was nothing without Marcus. Sejanus was nothing without Marcus. The only person who cared about him was hanging alone, in the arena, while innocent kids died around him. While he died up there. The thought shook Sejanus’ entire body. He had to grip onto the doorknob so he didn’t fall.
Sejanus had to go in there. Into the Arena. He had to see Marcus again, he was still alive in there wasn’t he? What if Sejanus could get to him in time? He doubted Marcus could make it out of there alive, Sejanus wasn’t even sure if he went in there he’d make it out alive. Still, he had to go, he had to say goodbye.
Yet Sejanus was terrified, his legs shook under him as he gripped the handle of the Plinth's apartment. His worst fear, from the beginning of all of this, was coming true. He was going to enter the Arena, but nothing could change his mind.
When he calmed down enough to turn the knob and open the door to his apartment, Sejanus was faced with his father sitting alone on the couch, projector paused on his face back at the Academy.
Immediately, Sejanus was tense. He wasn’t sure what to do, or what to say. His father had heard him come in, but he was sitting with his arms crossed staring at the image.
“Pa…” Sejanus said nervously, he hadn’t called his father that since they lived in District Two. The phrase caused Strabo to turn his head around, looking right over at Sejanus. He didn’t speak, just watched until the boy spoke up again. “Why did you do it? Why would you buy me a tribute from home? I knew him. He was my friend.”
“Can't you see?” Strabo said plain and simple, looking back over to the projector. He pressed play on the remote control, his storming out playing through, then back to Lucky Flickerman, who started to count down the start of the games. They showed Marcus’ mangled body once again. His father paused the screen, almost to study the display.
Sejanus looked away quickly, unable to rid the image from his mind that was so much worse in person.
“I don’t understand how anyone could deserve this,” Sejanus spoke softly. His father stood up from the couch, slowly walking over to his son. Sejanus’ eyes were still trained on the floor, focusing on the wine stain by his left shoe, Sejanus furrowed his brow, wondering when that had gotten there. He looked up at his father, suddenly angry, and frowned.
“You can’t care for them, Sejanus. This is what happens. The districts are filled with disappointment and pain, don't fall for it.” Strabo spoke, standing close to him. “We are lucky to have this life in the Capitol. I saved you from those Games, son. That easily could have been you. Don’t you understand that? I did this all for you.”
“For me?” Sejanus scoffed, stepping away from his father. “Do not lie to yourself, father. Everything you do is for you, even if you tell yourself otherwise. I never wanted to live here. Never wanted to participate in these stupid Games. I never wanted to leave Two!” he yelled, grabbing onto the table beside him. His legs were wobbling, threatening to give out but he had to keep standing, he had to face his father.
“So you wish it was you in there? Are you really that self-destructive? What kind of son did I raise that sympathizes with those people?” Strabo spat back at him, pointing back at the screen. He took the remote and fast-forwarded to what was happening live in the arena.
On the screen, Lamina from District Seven had climbed her way up on the beam Marcus was hanging on. She stood above him now, ax in her hand. Sejanus watched as she said something and seconds later Marcus replied. Lamina straightened her back and took a deep breath.
Immediately, Sejanus understood what was happening. His heart dropped to his stomach. He knew this would happen, he knew Marcus had to die soon, Sejanus just thought he might be able to make it to him before that had to happen.
She leaned down, pulled Marcus’ head back, and before she could drive her ax into his neck, Sejanus’ eyes flew shut.
He couldn’t watch Marcus die.
Sejanus could hear it though, he heard when she hit him, twice in the neck. She then proceeded to cut his hands free, to which he fell to the ground with a loud thud.
Tears clouded Sejanus’ eyes, quickly leaking out into his hands in front of his face. Dried blood on his hands quickly stained his tears, making it look like he was bleeding from his eyes. It sure felt like it. Every part of Sejanus’ body ached. He couldn’t dare look at the screen, he felt sick.
He stood there frozen until his father stormed up to him, grabbed his arms, and tore them away from his face. Sejanus resisted, fighting against his grasp, but ultimately his father won.
“ That is what happens, Sejanus. They are monsters, all of them.” His father yelled, his hand grabbing Sejanus’ face and forcing his gaze toward the projector near the couch.
Marcus was lying on the floor, birds starting to already pick at his dead body as Lamina watched from above.
Tears were streaming down Sejanus’ face now, but he made no effort to stop them. His father's grip on his face and arms tightened, and Sejanus tried his best to free himself from his father's grasp. Strabo was stronger than he was, but Sejanus was determined. When his father reacted to Sejanus’ resistance and held him tighter, Sejanus took his foot and slammed it down on his father's.
“Fuck, Sejanus!” Strabo yelled, letting Sejanus go long enough for him to escape from his grasp. Before he could grab him again, the boy stepped away from his father, watching as he cursed to himself and turned to grab at his foot.
“They are just people!” Sejanus yelled at his father, leaning over on the floor. “They’re kids! They are just doing what we are forcing them to do. They don’t have any choice.”
“They are the reason we are here, Sejanus. Two wasn’t safe after the war, because of people like them . I did what I had to do to protect my family.”
“You are the reason we are here! The reason all this is happening!” Sejanus screamed, taking two steps back. His blood was boiling, he felt like his veins were going to burst. Sejanus felt like he couldn’t hear or see anything, yet he could feel everything simultaneously. He stumbled over his feet, grabbing his things that were laid by the door.
Sejanus didn’t understand. Why was everyone in the Capitol so keen on killing innocent people, to protect their livelihood? How were people willing to sit by and watch these kids die every year, in a Game that’s only purpose is to show power over the defeated? His father was a player in their game, and Sejanus was tired of it. He couldn’t do this anymore.
He could only think of doing one thing.
“I’m leaving. I can't stand by and watch these kids die for fucking nothing. Don’t follow me, don’t tell Ma I was here.” Sejanus snapped, glaring over at his father. “Everything you've done was to benefit you. Not me, certainly not Ma. You. If you hurt her I swear I will kill you. I’m not scared of you.”
His father stood up then, his hands dangling by his sides. Sejanus watched as he took a deep breath, and let it out in a long exacerbated sigh.
“Sejanus,” His father began, “You blame me for everything wrong in your life, but you are the reason you are like this, not me. I don’t know what I did wrong with you son, truly I don’t.”
Sejanus frowned deeper, his whole body shaking with anger now. He took a deep breath, not daring to break eye contact with his father, and opened his mouth to speak.
“I am glad that I am nothing like you. You are a miserable, angry person. I would rather die in that Arena than ever be anything like you.” Sejanus spat, grabbing the door handle and slamming it closed behind him.
Blood was pumping in Sejanus’ ears as he flew down the stairs of their apartment complex and out the door. He stripped off his Academy jacket, dropping it to the ground to take away any attention to himself.
Before trying to find a way into the Arena, Sejanus knew he had to lay low for a while. He couldn’t go in now, the sun was still up and the games were still happening. Sejanus may be stupid, and bordering suicidal, but he isn't trying to get killed right away. He decided to go in tonight, when the Capitol, and most importantly, the tributes were asleep.
He just wanted to say Goodbye to Marcus. He was dead, as his father made him watch happen, but Sejanus was determined. He’d give Marcus a proper District Two send-off, just as he deserved. Sejanus didn't care if he got killed in the process, he had to see Marcus one last time.
Hell, let them kill me. Sejanus thought. Dying in protest seemed like a better choice than living in ignorance.
First, he would stop at the bakery down the street, on the way to the weeping willow tree calling to him.
Sejanus crouched behind the building, looking around to check no one was looking when he reached into the dumpster, feeling around for some discarded bread. After a beat, and touching something wet, Sejanus felt the scratchy surface of some burnt bread. It would have to do. He pulled it out and promptly tucked it into his pack hanging off his shoulder.
Then, Sejanus made his way to the tree. The closer he got, the tighter his chest felt. The past few days of being here with Marcus were looming over him, especially after the sealed fate of his companion. Sejanus felt like Marcus was watching, also drawing close to the tree like he was now.
Sejanus crouched under shrubbery and into his well-known enclave. It looked like it had that morning, the last time he was here two days ago. Untouched by the world around it. Sejanus felt envious for a moment, before brushing it off once he rounded the corner of the tree.
On top of the boulder, immediately catching his eye, was a white block sparking in the sunlight. Sejanus squinted his eyes, unable to make out what it was as he approached.
He faced the rock, not able to see the entire object from his height. Sejanus hoisted himself on his toes, peaking slightly above it. On top of it, was some kind of chiseled stone. He grabbed into it, bringing it down to his face.
At closer inspection, Sejanus realized it was a piece of rubble from the explosion at the arena last week. He smoothed it over in his hand, he could picture the white marble from where this came. It was chiseled into a shape, one that resembled a heart. When Sejanus turned it over, he saw an engraving on the back.
MP + SP
Sejanus ran his thumb over the letters, letting out a shaky breath as tears dropped down his cheeks. Sorrow shook its way through Sejanus’ bones as he inspected the marble heart. He clasped it in his hands, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes as he took the heart and placed it to his own.
A loud sob escaped Sejanus’ mouth as he dropped to his knees, pants sinking into the mud from the morning mist.
Everything was wrong, it all felt wrong. Pain surged through Sejanus’ eyes, into his arms and legs, and down his spine, seizing him in the moment. All he could do was cry.
Part of Sejanus didn’t want to stop. He didn’t want to open his eyes. He didn't like seeing the world without Marcus in it. Another part hoped that when he opened his eyes Marcus would be standing in front of him, arms open and laughing like it was all some sick joke. He knew that wouldn’t happen, he had seen Marcus’ dead body. But still, he was disappointed when he opened his eyes and looked around at the same scenery.
Only, this place would never be the same. Sejanus would never be the same. Marcus found his way into Sejanus’ life once again, shifting how he saw everything around him. He gave something Sejanus would never trade for anything; Marcus was the first person who saw Sejanus for who he was. Changing him until it was too late.
But, this time it wouldn’t be too late. As Sejanus settled in a dry patch of grass, Marcus’ heart burned in his hands, he held the stone against his chest, letting it leave its mark on him forever.
It was time. The sun had set about an hour ago, giving Sejanus enough time for the action to settle down.
He’d spent most of his time at the tree crying or dissociating into the scenery. He couldn’t stand being present, it hurt too much. Every time he thought about Marcus’ fate he became physically ill. With nothing left to eject from his stomach, he just had to sit there uncomfortable while his whole body ached.
He looked up from his spot on top of the boulder that Marcus had discovered could be climbed last week. The sun was shining in his eye and if he squinted his eyes enough, he could image Marcus sitting with him.
Climbing up the trunk of the tree to get up was easy, he used to climb the trees in Two all the time as a kid, but getting back down was what worried him. He hadn’t thought it through when he got up there, he had just wanted to be close to Marcus, even though that seemed impossible right now. He stationed his feet on the edge of the rock, his eyes trained on the low-hanging branch Marcus had used previously to get down. Sejanus took a deep breath and jumped, not daring to close his eyes though he desperately wanted to. He grabbed a hold of the branch and dropped to the ground.
Sejanus let out a breath he wasn’t even aware he was holding and looked around him.
This might be the last time he’d see this place, Sejanus realized. He may never come out of the Arena alive. He didn’t know what was going to happen in there, he couldn't even begin to guess. All he knew was that he didn’t have any other choice. Sejanus had to see Marcus one last time, dead or alive he didn’t care.
His journey started by taking the path Marcus had on Saturday morning when they were sure he’d make it out alive. Or rather Sejanus wouldn't let them think otherwise. How could he have been so naive? He should have prepared more, he should have come up with a better plan.
Sejanus shook his head, nothing could distract him. Getting to Marcus was the only thing that mattered.
Sejanus reached into his pocket and crumbled up a bunch of the bread he’d taken from the dumpster, preparing for his journey into the Arena.
When he approached, he could tell that it would be hard to get in. Sejanus tucked behind some shrubbery to further survey the arena. Peacekeepers were stationed every few feet around the arena, and then, at the entrance, there were four Peacekeepers guarding the gate. Sejanus noted that all four of them had guns, and when his eyes drifted to the others he noticed that only a few of them actually had ammunition in their weapons.
Sejanus guessed if he could thank his father for anything, it would be for forcing him to learn how to shoot, and the basics of artillery weapons. With one close look at a Peacekeeper Sejanus could tell if their gun was loaded or not and if they posed a threat to him.
He snuck around the area until he approached a Peacekeeper on duty, with an unloaded gun, leaning against the wall at his post. Sejanus decided if anyone was going to let him in, it would be this guy.
Nerves bubbled in his stomach as he tried desperately to think of a plan, instead, Sejanus reached inside his pocket and unfolded the $500 he’d stolen from his father before he left. If he’d learned anything from Strabo Plinth is that some people will do anything for some extra money.
A Peacekeeper in the Capitol that doesn’t get paid very much to start, slacking off on the job? It was the perfect victim. All he had to do was walk over to the man. But Sejanus was stuck, he was so afraid of what might unfold that he had a moment of hesitation before he stepped out into the moonlight.
But no, he wouldn’t let himself. All of this pain, and suffering, cannot have been for nothing. Sejanus needed to do one last thing right, he needed to do right by Marcus one last time. He didn’t care if he lived or died, all he cared about was Marcus.
“I’m coming, Marcus,” Sejanus whispered into the air before stepping out onto the grass and toward the Peacekeeper.
He wasn’t sure how he was going to play this, he was still in his Academy uniform so there was no sense in pretending to be someone else. He confidentially strode his way up to the man, hand stuffed in his pocket. When he approached, he realized it was the same Peacekeeper that he’d run into weeks ago when Marcus first ran away.
“Sir?” Sejanus spoke up, tucking his arms behind his back. He tried to make himself look smaller, good thing he grew up doing that.
“Sejanus?” The Peacekeeper asked. Sejanus stopped in his tracks, surprised the man remembered his name. He voiced this much as he kept walking, right up to the man. He stood in front of him and looked up at the Peacekeeper slightly towering above him.
“I could never forget such a pretty face.” The man smirked, his eyes scanning all over Sejanus’ body. The boy had to stop himself from punching this guy in the jaw. He didn’t have time for creepy men flirting with him.
Yet, Sejanus still played the part of a lost boy who needed the Peacekeepers' help and the man across from him was eating it up.
He explained that for a class project, they needed to come up with different strategies for the new arena layout after the bombing. But, Sejanus, being from the Districts is at a disadvantage, seeing he didn’t grow up going to the Arena like all the rest of his classmates did, so he doesn’t even know the layout before the bombing. He, of course, pulled this out of his ass. Sejanus could feel himself breaking a sweat, lying stressed him out.
The Peacekeeper listened to him intensely, often being drawn in by a purposeful flutter of his eyelashes, and by the end of Sejanus’ story he had hoped he sounded convincing enough.
“I don’t know, kid. I’d want to let you in but, there are tributes in there. It could be dangerous.”
Sejanus grinned, as he looked up at the man. “Thank you, sir. I appreciate your concern, but I promise I’ll be careful.” Sejanus took a step closer and ignored the unpleasant rumbling in his stomach. He took his hand from his pocket, with three big bills in his palm, and laid it carefully on the man’s arm.
The Peacekeeper looked over to Sejanus’ hand, saw the money, and then turned back over to Sejanus. The brunette looked at him through his dark eyelashes.
The man seemed to be contemplating his options, weighing out good and bad. To Sejanus’ relief, after a few seconds of uncertainty, the man smiled and placed his hand on Sejanus’.
The touch almost sent Sejanus stumbling backward. It took everything in him to not rip away from the man’s grasp. He was tired of old men grabbing him, he thought of his father and tried not to become enraged.
“You know what, I’ll let you in. I like you, kid. I want you to show all those pricks in your class just how smart we from the Districts can be.” He winked, grabbing the money from Sejanus’ hand and stepping to the side to reveal a gate behind him.
“It’s still dangerous in there, so meet back here in 10 minutes to be let out.” The man warned, placing a hand on Sejanus’ shoulder this time. He turned to the gate and took the keys dangling from his belt to unlock it.“Still got that pocket knife? Though you won’t need it to protect you from that tribute on the loose anymore. Instead a whole arena.”
Sejanus went stiff at the mention of Marcus, the image of his beaten face flashing in front of his eyes as chills were sent down his back. He tried not to flinch, he had to stay strong, like Marcus always had. He took a deep breath and nodded, grinning softly at the peacekeeper.
“I can take care of myself, sir,” Sejanus spoke up, straightening his back.
“You got it,” The man replied, holding the gate open for Sejanus.
He couldn't believe what he was doing, but in his mind, he didn't have any other choice. Sejanus reached in his pocket as he strode into the halls of the arena, fidgeting with the stale bread crumbs he’d stolen. He was trying very hard to be aware of his surroundings, he could tell most of the tributes were sleeping, but still, he was terrified that any move would reveal his position.
Slowly, Sejanus walked toward the turnstiles, he turned around to see the Peacekeeper locking the gate behind him. The man smiled at him, before turning around to get back to his station guarding the gate. Sejanus took a deep breath, no going back now.
He couldn't turn back even if he wanted to, nothing else mattered but this moment. While carefully stepping around the uncleared debris from the blast a few days prior, Sejanus scanned the area. Outside the hall, he couldn't see much, just the openness of the arena and some stone on the floor. Sejanus breathed deeply, his heart hammering inside his chest and ears. He was growing paranoid that maybe the others could hear it too.
As he approached the turnstiles, the rest of the arena slowly came into view. It looked so different since the last time he was here. Everything was blown to bits around him, ruble creating a whole new entry way. Sejanus slipped through the broken rocks, to not trigger the eerily joyful ‘Enjoy the show’ upon entering.
As soon as he knew it, Sejanus was standing on the floor of the arena, looking out at the area in front of him. To his right was the pile of rocks in the middle of the floor, holding all the discarded weapons, and the dead tributes that have yet to be collected. As he looked around, Sejanus noticed that was all he saw. His breath caught in his throat as he backed up against the wall behind him.
To his left, was the post Marcus was hung on earlier that day. Sejanus tried to keep his breathing steady, but it was getting progressively harder. He studied the area, his eyes quickly floating over Marcus’ corpse every time he passed him. He couldn't look, he wasn't ready- he wasn't sure he ever would be.
Lamina, the girl from District 7 who dealt the final blow and cut him free, was sleeping at the top of the concrete beam, with an axe curled under her chin. The axe that killed Marcus. Sejanus felt sick. He took a deep breath and glanced over at Marcus’ body. He was lying there, currently unoccupied. Sejanus recounted seeing the birds already pick on him as his father forced him to watch the feed.
In front of him, lay one dead tribute's body, Sejanus felt guilty that he couldn't remember their name. There were a few scraps of rubble on the ground, meaning a clear path to Marcus’ body. Afraid he was running out of time, Sejanus carefully stepped out and walked toward the stone beams. He glanced around himself feverishly paranoid, if anyone could see him he couldn't imagine he looked sane.
Sejanus’ steps shook as he suddenly realized that he was most likely on camera right now for all of Panem to see. No doubt was he in trouble. Sejanus swallowed hard and took three deep breaths, trying to quiet his steps as he finally arrived at his ultimate destination of the night.
He hadn't thought this far, and quickly Sejanus began to realize that he couldn't bring himself to look down at Marcus. He was right there, lying at his feet, and Sejanus was looking anywhere but down.
What else was he here for then? To sneak into the arena on a suicide mission that will end in misery either way? No, Sejanus wanted to make things right. As much as it made him sick, Sejanus knelt and closed his eyes, trying his hardest to convince himself that eventually, he had to open them. He stuffed his hand in his pocket, grabbed the torn bread crumbs, and cupped them in both of his hands above Marcus.
“ Please take these crumbs- for they are all I can bear- and ensure Marcus finds his way. Descansa tranquilo, mi amor.” Sejanus whispered.
He opened his palm and sprinkled the bread crumbs over Marcus’ body, taking a deep breath before he opened his eyes.
When he opened them, he saw Marcus lying on the floor, eyes shut peacefully, chest still. Sejanus felt himself shutter as he took a hand and placed it on top of Marcus’ hip.
“I’m so sorry,” Sejanus whispered into the air, tears collecting in his eyes. Marcus' beat-up face was blurring in his vision as he stared, but he couldn’t tear away his eyes. Sejanus leaned down and placed a kiss on Marcus’ forehead, letting his tears drop onto his still face.
Sejanus couldn’t help but blame himself for Marcus’ death, but he knew there was nothing he could have done from the beginning. Marcus was doomed from the moment he ran away from that arena. Maybe if he hadn't Sejanus could have saved him. Maybe in another universe, Marcus survives and gets to live his whole life out in Two. But that wasn't what had happened, Marcus was dead on the ground in front of him and Sejanus found himself unable to do anything but sit and cry.
He didn't regret helping Marcus in the way he had. The last few days spent with Marcus had been the best Sejanus had felt in a while, even with the games looming over them and the inevitability of Marcus’ escape, he’d never felt happier.
It was because of Marcus. With his goofy smile and soft lips. The way he believed in Sejanus was unlike anything he’d ever experienced. No one believed in Sejanus. He was too emotional, too moody, too weak. But to Marcus, none of that mattered because he didn’t believe any of it. To Marcus, Sejanus was strong. Sejanus was smart. Sejanus was brave.
So he’d continue to channel that strength, for the one person who has ever given a shit.
He was sitting there for a while, crying on top of Marcus’ corpse. On a whim, he decided to take Marcus’ vest and put it over his Academy undershirt. He decided he’d keep it, for now it was his most prized possession.
Now that he was here, Sejanus wasn't sure what to do with himself, besides stare at Marcus. Even with all the wounds on his face and the stiffness of his corpse, he still looked handsome. The thought made him sick as the weight of his situation dawned on him. Marcus was dead and he’d most likely die in the arena tonight alongside him. He didn't really see a way out, and based on the Capitol's habits lately, he doubted they’d let him get away with this scratch-free.
As he sat staring at the body across from him and at nothing at all, he decided that he wanted to die valiantly, in protest beside Marcus. He wasn't sure how or when it would happen, truthfully he didn't know if he could go through with it in the end– the one thing he was sure about though, was that he couldn't move from this spot. Someone had to see him in here eventually, hell, Lamina the girl from District Seven was sleeping right above him. So he’d wait for something to happen, he wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon anyway.
If the cameras were on him might as well give them a good show, right?
When he thought about it Sejanus didn't think he wanted to live anymore. Dying for a cause– dying for Marcus– seemed to be his best option. Truthfully, he couldn't see a point to it any longer, there was no light at the end of his tunnel. How could he make a difference living the way he did? He was a coward, a scared little boy, letting his father buy him his entire life. His father who believes the Capitol is right. It made him want to rip all of his hair out. He wanted to grab his father by the shoulders and shake some sense into him. He wanted to yell and scream at his father– if only he wasn't so scared.
But he’d never have to deal with him again. Sejanus would die tonight and that would be it. His father would have to bury his only son. What a morbid thought. Would he want to be buried or burned? Before he could give anything else much thought, he felt Coriolanus creep up before he even opened his mouth to speak.
“Sejanus? It’s me.”
God damnit. Sejanus must have been sitting there for a while, he’d lost track of time while his mind raced. He should have seen this coming. Coriolanus Snow swooping in to save him from humiliation once again, though if he was here he was sure the damage was already done. Sejanus began to laugh, oddly enough finding humor in his situation.
“You really can’t stop rescuing me, can you?” Sejanus replied, his eyes still trained on Marcus’ body.
“Can’t do it,” Coriolanus chuckled. Did Coriolanus really care that much about him that he’d risk his life to come in here and save him? Or was he forced? Surely he didn't volunteer, Sejanus didn’t have many other friends and he wasn't sure if Coriolanus even considered him one. He really cannot do anything right, can he? Couldn't even die right without putting other people in harm's way.
“They sent you in to fish me out? What madness.” Sejanus laughed again, not fully feeling like any of this was happening to him. It all felt like a dream, a long, fucked up dream. His laughter quickly died in his mouth. He cleared his throat and rose to his feet. “Did you ever see a dead body?”
“A lot. During the war.” Coriolanus answered immediately, and Sejanus instantly felt guilty for asking. He let the feeling pass though, sure that if felt one more negative emotion he was sure to implode.
“I haven’t so much. Not this close. At funerals, I guess. And at the zoo the other night, only those girls hadn’t been dead long enough to stiffen up,” said Sejanus, “I don’t know if I’d rather be burned or buried. Not that it matters, really.”
“Well, you don’t have to decide now,” Coriolanus replied.
The statement made Sejanus want to laugh again, but it wasn't all that funny after all was it? He could tell Coriolanus was getting impatient, and that he was scared all the while Sejanus was keeping him, he couldn't look away from the body on the ground. He just wanted Coriolanus to leave him alone, he wanted to die looking at Marcus, he never wanted to look away for the last time.
“Oh, it won’t be up to me,” Sejanus said. “I don’t know what’s taking the tributes so long to find me. I must have been in here awhile.”
Finally, he gathered enough strength to look away from Marcus’ body for a moment, eyes immediately finding Coriolanus behind him. His cheeks were flushed, his hair messy. His face was riddled with fear and paranoia and Sejanus realized that he was the reason Coriolanus was in this situation in the first place. He was tired of hurting people.
He knit his eyebrows together and focused in on Coriolanus’ face. “You should go, you know.”
“I’d like to,” Coriolanus spoke softly. “I really would. Only there’s the matter of your Ma. She’s waiting out front. Pretty upset. I promised I’d bring you to her.”
Ma. How could he? In all of his delusion and self-obsession, he forgot about Ma. She was probably so scared, terrified of what might happen if Sejanus even made it out of here alive. She’d be alone with his father, who wouldn’t have anyone else to bully. Sejanus scolded himself for being so selfish, Ma never wanted any of this, she did all this for him. He frowned at Coriolanus.
“Poor Ma. Poor old Ma. She never wanted any of this, you know. Not the money, not the move, not the fancy clothes or the driver. She just wanted to stay in Two. But my father…” Rage filled his chest at the thought of the man. “Bet he isn’t here, is he? No, he’ll keep his distance until this is settled. Then let the buying begin!” He exclaimed, possibly a little too loud for where they were standing.
“Buying what?” Coriolanus asked, obviously getting impatient.
“Buying everything! He bought our way here, bought my schooling, bought my mentorship, and he goes nuts because he can’t buy me,” said Sejanus, the thought strangely ghosted a smile over Sejanus’ lips that was gone as quickly as it was there. “He’ll buy you if you let him. Or at least compensate you for trying to help me.”
“You’re my friend. He doesn’t need to pay me to help you.”
Sejanus really was the worst. How could he not think about anyone else other than himself? Putting himself in danger was one thing but putting Coriolanus in danger? Once again, how could he? He reached forward and put a grateful hand on his friend's shoulder.
“You’re the only reason I’ve lasted this long, Coriolanus. I need to stop causing you trouble.” Sejanus sighed, disappointed in himself.
“I didn’t realize how bad this was for you. I should have traded tributes when you asked,” he replied.
Sejanus shook his head softly. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing does, really.”
“Of course, it matters,” Coriolanus insisted, grabbing Sejanus’ arm. “Come out with me.”
Coriolanus was wrong, Sejanus felt like he had tried everything. What could he do out there? Sejanus knew he was wrong and he wasn't sure how Coriolanus didn't see it yet. Couldn't he just let him be?
“No. There’s no point,” said Sejanus. “There’s nothing left to do but die.”
“That’s it? That’s your only choice?” Coriolanus hastily responded.
“It’s the only way I might possibly make a statement. Let the world see me die in protest,” Sejanus nodded, sure this was what he deserved. He wanted to die for the cause, whatever that was. “Even if I’m not truly Capitol, I’m not district either. Like Lucy Gray, but without the talent.”
“Do you really think they’ll show this? They’ll quietly remove your body and say you died of the flu.” Coriolanus pressed, moving past his self-depreciation. “They’ve all but blacked out the screen now.”
Sejanus knew he hadn't thought any of this through, but he was kicking himself for how badly he screwed up. “They won't show it?” He asked naively.
“Not in a million years. You’ll be dead for nothing, and you’ll have wasted your chance to make things better.” Coriolanus pleaded. Sejanus wasn't sure why he was saying all these things to him, he had a hard time believing anything his friend said.
“What chance do I have out there?” asked Sejanus, leaning in closer to Coriolanus.
“You’re rich, smart. You care. Money has a lot of uses. Look how it changed your world. Maybe you could make changes, too. Good ones. Maybe if you don’t, a lot more people will suffer.”
“What makes you think I could do that?” said Sejanus, even more confused than he was when he entered the arena, if that was even possible.
“You’re the only one who had the guts to stand up to Dr. Gaul,” Coriolanus answered like it was obvious.
Sejanus felt his face flush. He sighed, clearly he wasn't thinking straight. His brain was so out of wack that he wasn't sure what to do with himself. Coriolanus had reminded him. If everyone else was turning a blind eye, wasn't it Sejanus’ responsibility to stand up for those who don't have a voice? He thought of the one other person who believed in him. Marcus filled his every thought.
“Thank you,” Sejanus replied, voice softened. “Thank you for that.”
Coriolanus put his hand on Sejanus’s arm. “We’re being surrounded. I’m going. Come with me, spend your father's money, do some real good.”
Sejanus looked around him and sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, weighing his options. Coriolanus caught on and cut into his thought process.
“Please, trust me.” Coriolanus pleaded. “What do you want to do, fight the tributes or fight for them? Don’t give Dr. Gaul the satisfaction of beating you. Don’t give up.” He tugged Sejanus’ arm, the two of them closer than they had been all night. Sejanus could feel Coriolanus’ shaky breathing hit his face.
Sejanus looked over at Marcus, lying on the dirty floor. Marcus didn't deserve any of this. None of them did. Sejanus could have a chance to actually change things. He could use his father's money for good, instead of inflicting more pain upon himself and everyone around him.
But, that meant he had to leave Marcus. He was doing all this for him, wasn’t he? It didn't seem fair, just a few minutes ago Sejanus was ready to die by his side. He didn't have much time to decide, as he could hear shuffling around them, sensing the tributes closing in on them. Two helpless Capitol students seemed like an obvious target, and Sejanus wasn't too keen on dying anymore.
“You’re right,” Sejanus agreed. “If I believe what I say, it’s my responsibility to take her down. To end this whole atrocity somehow.” He lifted his gaze from Marcus, he wasn't sure how much longer he could look. He wanted Marcus’s smiling face to be the image in his head of the boy, not this. Quickly he snapped his head to the stands to their left, there was someone there.
He turned back to Coriolanus and spoke directly. “But, I won’t leave Marcus.”
“I’ll grab his feet.” Coriolanus agreed.
Sejanus sighed in relief. He moved to Marcus’ head and grabbed his torso, wrapping his arms around his chest. Sejanus had to ignore the stiffness of the body and the smell that was starting to radiate from him. He wasn’t sure what they were going to do with Marcus once they were safe, but since when did Sejanus think anything through properly? Coriolanus grabbed Marcus’ feet, helping Sejanus carry the weight, and the two of them made their way toward where he assumed Coriolanus had entered.
Marcus weighed a lot, Sejanus came to realize, he was sure he wouldn't be able to carry him alive let alone his dead weight. The two of them managed, drawing in closer to where Sejanus now saw a barricade for them to slip through. Sejanus’ stomach dropped with what might be waiting out there for him. In front of him, Coriolanus tripped on a rock and fell to his knees, halting their movement.
He quickly got back up and grabbed Marcus’ feet once again, still determined to help Sejanus get him out, even if that meant Bobbin’s knife driving into Coriolanus’ shoulder blade.
Sejanus was stunned, the tributes caught up to them. He held onto Marcus as he watched everything unfold in front of him. Coriolanus swung at the boy and missed, landing in a pile of debris.
“I don't want to hurt you!” Coriolanus exclaimed to the tribute, who didn't seem to care that much what Coriolanus wanted, and was making his way toward the boy wielding his knife. Coriolanus then grabbed a piece of debris next to him and swung it in Bobbin's direction, striking him on his temple.
The first swing sent Bobbin to his knees, then when Coriolanus stood up, he swung again, and again, and again. Sejanus watched Coriolanus kill the boy who was trying to kill them. But they still had to leave, and Bobbin was clearly dead, so Sejanus hesitantly let go of Marcus’ body and shouted for his friend.
“We have to go!”
Coriolanus turned around and dropped his makeshift weapon, stepping toward the body on the floor. Sejanus sighed and grabbed his arm, yanking him toward the exit. There was no time, the tributes were closing in and trying to save Marcus had almost gotten Coriolanus killed once and he wouldn’t let someone else die.
“No! Leave him! Run!” Sejanus shouted. Coriolanus took off immediately, with Sejanus close in tow. Coral, Mizzen, and Tanner were not far behind, weapons armed and ready. But they were almost there, and as soon as he knew it Coriolanus was slipping through the small hole, trying not to get tangled in the barbed wire.
Sejanus waited anxiously behind him, watching as the pack got closer and closer. Soon, Coriolanus was through and Sejanus wasted no time throwing himself through the exit, sealing it behind him. They both dove head-first into the concrete, crashing into each other in the process. They had no time to recuperate before they were back on their feet, Sejanus pulling a dazed Coriolanus behind him.
The tributes outside the barricade started whooping, taunting them as they tracked them through the labyrinth and into a blinding red corridor. Sejanus looked forward and saw a group of Peacekeepers awaiting them, then behind them, he saw the tributes jumping over the turnstiles.
They had to go, they really had to go.
Sejanus turned forward, grabbing onto Coriolanus as they ran toward the exit. It looked like they had to slip through a gap in the fence to get out, the tributes were fast approaching and they couldn't risk them getting out, they had to make this quick. He shoved Coriolanus in front of him, the more injured of the two, and as they approached, readied himself to help Coriolanus through.
The pack was closing in, all of them taunting and hollering at the two boys as they ran. Sejanus helped push Coriolanus through the gap, then hoisted himself through it as well. He nearly got out in time and was almost able to get out scratch-free, that is until Tanner launched himself at the gate, his knife lodging in the back of Sejanus’ calf.