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Jackie gets under Shauna's skin. It's not even really fair to think like that, because Shauna doesn't think Jackie means it. Probably. She's a good friend. She tries really hard to make Shauna happy. But she'll also make these comments.
"Horizontal stipes aren't flattering, especially around the stomach. I'll get you something else."
"Green is definitely not your color."
"People think Jessica likes girls. Sexually, I mean. Isn't that so weird? Like, gross. Can you imagine?"
That's the one that cuts like a knife, makes Shauna flush in anger and shame. So she pushes back, tries to hurt the untouchable Jackie Taylor. She can never bring herself to be as mean as she feels inside though. And Jackie never seems bothered, just smiles like Shauna's something cute and meaningless.
And now, when Shauna has stupidly complained about Jackie leaving to see Jeff for the third night in a row: "You shouldn't be so desperate for attention, Shauna. It's kind of embarrassing. I'm just saying, I'll literally see you tomorrow morning."
So Shauna slams out of the door of her own house and takes a walk, burning off some of the Jackie rage, and after twenty minutes she ends up outside Nat's trailer. Again. She knows she can't knock, so she picks up a pebble and throws it at Nat's plastic window. How cliche. The window creaks open and Nat sticks her bleached head out.
"What the fuck are you doing?" she hisses.
Shauna shrugs and waves come here with her hand. Nat rolls her eyes and disappears. She reappears again a few minutes later with falling apart sneakers and her leather jacket, and hops out.
"You're lucky my mom didn't hear you."
"Why, she would have beat my ass?"
"No. I would have."
Shauna scoffs but chuckles when Nat laughs. Yeah, right.
Nat speaks louder when they reach the safety of the street. "So what are you doing outside my window at two am, Shipman? Trying to woo me?"
"You wish. I don't know. I had nothing better to do."
"Gee, thanks," Nat drawls. "Jackie not around to braid your hair?"
"Maybe I don't want her around."
Nat raises her brows. "Wow, that's serious. So here you are slumming it."
Shauna feels this itching, burning under her skin. Usually, during school and at home it's on a low level, manageable. But sometimes she feels like something bad is inside her trying to claw it's way out. Like now.
"Ha. Yeah, I guess. Um, do you have anything...?" she trails off suggestively.
"What?" Nat snaps.
"You know, like pot. Or whatever."
"Uh, no. I kinda came out here empty handed. I can't buy 'til Thursday anyway. Why? You wanted some?" Nat doesn't really sound surprised, more like. Annoyed. Disappointed. Maybe she doesn't like to share her shit. She probably can't afford much. If she even pays with money.
Shauna sighs. "It's cool." She bites her lip, hugs her flannel around herself.
Nat shuffles in closer. "C'mon Shauna. What's got you down?" she says it sarcastically, with her usual who gives a shit drawl, but somehow Shauna thinks she means it.
"Nothing!" Shauna snaps. "I didn't know I was going to get the third degree by coming here."
Nat raises her hands up in the air like Shauna's some unpredictable creature. But a small one, a chihuahua. "Fine, fine. You just wanna make out like last time?"
Shauna narrows her eyes. "I told you not to talk about it."
"Yeah, but it's okay if it's to you. I'm pretty sure you're not gonna tell anyone." Nat smiles sharply, with all her teeth. "That is what you want though, right? I knew you wanted something."
Shauna should feel bad, but she doesn't. She never does, not enough, and does that mean that something's wrong with her? Or is something wrong with Nat, so willing to come with her when Shauna doesn't even really like her, won't talk to her in school. Definitely not in front of Jackie. It's kind of pathetic, Shauna thinks meanly. She remembers that one time she saw Nat crying in the back of a pickup truck as an older guy walked away into the woods, leaving her there alone. Shauna hid behind a tree, didn't say anything.
Shauna nods. "Yeah." She looks around. Nat's taken her to the park on the corner. It's cold, and dark, and creepy, but there's no one else around to see them. "Get down. Uh, wait. Hold on." She shrugs off her flannel and lays it down on the damp grass. She'd seen a guy in a movie do that once.
"Chivalrous," Nat says huskily. Shauna shrugs, awkward, but it looks like Nat's blushing a little, weirdly, so maybe she got it right.
Nat drops down to the ground and pats the spot next to her.
Once Shauna shuffles onto her knees, Nat grabs her chin and presses her lips hard to Shauna's, sliding her tongue into her mouth, and Shauna moans despite herself. Nat is annoying, and kind of a mess and Jackie doesn't like her, but she's still a girl, and she's soft and she's pretty and she smells surprisingly good and her lips are full and her tongue is wet and Shauna wants. She wants things that scare her.
Nat's also a good kisser, probably from all her previous experience, but she's still really good. She sucks on Shauna's tongue, breathing hard against Shauna's upper lip, and her small hands squeeze Shauna's waist, which would usually make Shauna think about the existence of her waist, which would make her hate herself even more, but it's Nat so she doesn't care. Nat's not going to turn her down.
She's making these little whining, panting noises, like an animal. It makes the hungry thing inside Shauna crave--something. It's not enough to touch, she wants to grab, to take, to hurt. For some reason she thinks Nat wants that too. She looks at her with wide eyes and an open mouth, performative probably, practiced, but ready for whatever Shauna does.
Shauna leans forward and bites Nat hard on the bottom lip. Nat yelps, then it softens into a groan.
"Softer, maybe," she whispers against Shauna's lips.
"No."
"Okay, fine, whatever." Nat lays back on her elbows, charmingly, like she's in control. "Do your worst."
Shauna climbs on top of Nat's lap. She bites her neck, hard. She pulls by the roots of her stupid blond hair. Nat whines and shudders.
"Do you like that?"
"Yeah," Nat rasps. "It makes me so wet, I want you so bad." For some reason that's not that answer Shauna wants to hear.
"Even when I do this?" Shauna reaches out and wraps her hands around Nat's slender, pale neck. She stares into Nat's wide gray eyes and she squeezes tighter and tighter. Shauna has surprisingly strong hands. Or maybe not surprising. "Thick, but like, in a good way. Maybe better for basketball, though," Jackie had once said.
Nat's eyes start to water, and she pulls a little at Shauna's wrists. Shauna doesn't let go. And there it is, the flinch, the fear Shauna's been waiting for. Is it so wrong to want someone to actually feel afraid of her, just once? To think that nice, boring little Shauna could do something unexpected, something dangerous.
She waits a few more tantalizing seconds, and then she lets go. Nat gasps for breath, wiping her mouth.
"Fuck, Shauna, you're freaky. Who knew?" She chuckles shakily. It falls flat between them in the night air.
Shauna feels the crash after the high, the come down, the shame. "You shouldn't be this desperate, its embarrassing," she bites out bitterly.
Nat's mouth falls open a little, a wave of hurt passing plainly on her face. She does nothing to hide it. Shauna feels a sharp stab in her chest, but she doesn't take it back. Instead she gets up and walks away, leaving her flannel on the ground.
"Fuck you, Shauna!" Nat yells out into the night air. "At least I know what I want. I'm not fucking ashamed of myself." Her voice cracks. "You're the one who's a fucking embarrassment. You're weak and everyone knows it!"
And deep, deep down inside, Shauna knows she's right.