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“So like - “ Jamie chews on the inside of his cheek.
They’ve finished their kebabs and they’re just sitting in a booth at the kebab shop. It’s quiet and late, and Jamie reckons they’re going to close soon. Or maybe they’re already closed and they’re just letting Roy hang around. They seem to know him well enough here, and not just as Roy Kent The Footballer And Coach.
Jamie doesn’t actually know what he wants to say next. It’s been a mad night, and somewhere inside he just knows he doesn’t want it to end. It feels like since their fight, since Keeley kicked them out of her house - which they’d totally deserved, something has shifted.
“Spit it out, Tartt.” Roy rolls his eyes.
“Do I still have to be up for training at 4am?” Roy doesn’t answer, but he does glare at him from across the table. “Season’s almost over.”
“Your career isn’t over yet.” Roy’s eyebrow juts up to his hairline.
“Come on, man!”
“Come on, I’ll walk you home.” Roy stands up. He looks fucking ridiculous with his shirt ripped half open. Jamie can’t stop staring.
“Whatever.” Jamie stands up to follow him. Roy half waves at the owner of the shop who immediately locks up after them. “Kind of a dick move to come to a place at closing time and make them stay open.” Jamie falls into step beside him. “Mum used to work in shops when I was younger.”
“I left a good fucking tip.” Roy stops walking. “This way.”
“My home is that way. Did you fucking forget?”
“I didn’t say we were going to your home.” Jamie just stares at him. “Well, do you fucking want an extra twenty minutes in bed or not?”
“Oh, yeah. Yes. Right.” Jamie doesn’t know what he thought Roy had meant, and he tries not to think any harder on it than he already has.
They fall into step next to each other, Jamie looking over at Roy every so often. Roy is looking straight ahead, eyes not straying from just in front of him. It’s not a long walk to his house and they go inside, Roy dropping his keys on the table beside the door.
“The guest room is just up the stairs to the left. It has an ensuite and I probably have something you can sleep in.”
“Right.” Jamie suddenly wonders what he’s meant to wear to training tomorrow. There’s blood on his jumper. “I’ll just - “ He points up the stairs.
“Jamie, wait - “
Jamie turns back around to look at Roy. He looks unsure, which is just so fucking weird for Jamie to see. He’s not used to seeing all of the sides of Roy yet, but he’s getting there. He’s trying anyway. It’s still jarring sometimes to be on this side of Roy.
“Yeah?”
“I am sorry. I just wanted - I needed to say that. I fucked up with you earlier tonight. I really, genuinely did want to grab a beer with you tonight. I don’t fucking want you to think it was a ploy to tell you back off with Keeley. You’re - Whatever.”
“Right.” Jamie nods. “I know. I think I know. I said some things I shouldn’t’ve too. We both fucked it. It’s over now. I’m sorry for ripping your five pound M & S shirt.”
“Fuck off! I’m not sorry for fucking your thousand pound jumper.”
“You fuck off.” Jamie mumbles.
Roy chuckles and shakes his head. “I’ll get you a t-shirt.”
He disappears up the stairs, leaving Jamie alone in his living room. There are pictures of Phoebe and his sister and pictures of Roy with both of them. It’s kind of nice to see Roy so relaxed. Jamie wants to know what that looks like in person. He feels like Roy’s always so fucking tense when he’s around. He knows he brings that out of Roy, but he wishes he didn’t.
He’s not sure how not to though because somehow he always says the wrong fucking thing.
“Here you go.” Roy comes back down and tosses him a shirt. “If you sleep with your pants off and there’s a fire alarm, it’s not my fault.”
“Why the fuck would there be a fire alarm?”
Roy just shrugs but there’s something in his eyes that makes Jamie suspicious.
“Whatever, I’m going to bed. Roy.” Jamie pauses for a moment. “Thanks.”
Roy nods a bit but he doesn’t respond, so Jamie takes it as his cue to go upstairs. He kicks out of his jeans and pants and then tugs his jumper off and throws them all in a pile on Roy’s floor before he tugs his t-shirt on and gets into bed.
Jamie just stares up at the ceiling for a while. He can hear Roy moving around as he gets ready for bed. Jamie tries not to think of him down the hall, cleaning his teeth, changing into whatever it is that Roy Kent sleeps in, and crawling into bed. He closes his eyes and tries not to think about anything.
+++++
The next few days pass in a dizzy haze. They win against West Ham and do all they can, but Manchester City is just fucking better. Jamie tries not to be too upset. They still have a party at Ola’s with fucking karaoke. Dani and Zoreaux are up on stage singing You Got A Friend In Me, and as always they’ve lost their shirts. Jamie is sitting in the corner, checking his phone.
He still hasn’t heard from his dad, not that he really expected to. He’s not sure why he cares anymore because fuck him. He puts his phone in his pocket and tries not to think about it.
“It’s a fucking party, Tartt.” Roy drops down next to him in the booth. He presses in close so their knees are touching. “Why do you look like you’re at a fucking funeral.”
“Ted’s not here,” Jamie lies. Everyone had known Ted wasn’t coming. He and Beard are flying out first thing in the morning.
“Fuck you.” Roy laughs. “I’m serious. What’s going on with you. We beat West Ham, came in second in the league when everyone thought we were going to be fucking last, and we’re in the Champions League next year. So what’s the fucking problem.”
“Nothing. Were you always this fucking nosy?”
“Another thing that’s fucking Ted’s fault.” Roy laughs a bit rough and deep in the back of his throat.
“Do you think we’ll be alright next year?”
“Don’t know. I guess it depends who they bring in to replace him. I guess we’ll have to see.” Roy taps his finger on the table. “Leslie says that Rebecca hasn’t even looked yet.”
“Who the fuck is Leslie?”
Roy laughs instead of answering his question.
“Anyway, I think we’ll be alright. Rebecca loves the club. She’s not going to let us be totally fucked. I think she’s still hoping Ted’s going to change his mind, though.”
“You don’t think he will?”
“Not a fucking chance. He’s not a shit dad. He wants to be around his son, can’t blame him for that.”
Everyone starts cheering and clapping as Dani and Zoreaux go off stage and Beard replaces them. Jamie wonders why Beard could make it but not Ted, but then Beard’s always been a bit of a mad one. Fair enough.
“Wonder what that must be like.”
“Hey, I thought you were over that fuckhead.” Roy taps Jamie with his elbow.
“I guess I am, yeah. Kind would like to know if he’s fucking alive, though.”
“Jamie.” Roy looks at him seriously. “Can we talk about this when we’re not at a fucking party? I want to talk about this, but you need to have some fucking fun. You were fucking amazing today.”
“You think I was amazing?”
“You fucking know I do. Funnier than Stepbrothers and that.” Roy smiles just at the corner of his mouth. “Are you going to do a song?”
“Fuck no.” Jamie snorts. He fucking hates karaoke.
“Too bad. I would love to have something to mock you for for the next couple of months.”
“Fuck you, I’m a fucking great singer. Used to sing with my mum all the fucking time. She says I have a beautiful voice.”
“Mums have to say that, you prick.”
“Fuck you, get up.” Jamie nudges Roy. “I said get up, dickhead!”
Roy laughs to himself and slides out of the booth. Jamie stomps off to go put his name down. He fucking hates karaoke but now he has a point to prove.
On his way back to the booth he walks right into someone. Keeley.
“Fuck, sorry.” She clears her throat. “Jamie.”
“Keeley.” He nods. He feels so shit about the other night. He’s embarrassed to even see her. “Wait, before you go - look, I can’t speak for Roy but - I’m sorry.” He twirls his ring around with his thumb. “That was fucked up, and we shouldn’t have done it. It was fucked up.”
“Thanks, Jamie.” She nods. “I can’t always be the one you two fucking idiots turn to, you know. You need to figure it out for yourselves. And I can’t be with either of you. Not now, maybe not ever.”
“I get that. I don’t even know what fucking - it’s this thing with Roy, you know. Fucks me up - you know what? I’m doing it again. Sorry. I’m just going to - “
She nods.
“I’ll see you around, Keeley.” He steps back over to the booth, but Roy is gone. He sighs to himself and sits down anyway.
“Brought you a beer.” Roy sits the bottle down and sits down next to Jamie. He tries to ignore the way he relaxes when he feels Roy’s knee press against his leg. He’s definitely getting to used to Roy being a calming influence in his fucking life. “I saw you talking to Keeley.”
“I was apologizing for being a dick to her.”
“Yeah, I should do that.” Roy nods. “Fuck, that was stupid.”
“Yeah,” Jamie bites the inside of his cheek. “You should. It was. You’re not going to give me another speech about backing off, are you? Because I’m not really - I wasn’t doing that.”
“No, I think that we both fucked that, didn’t we?” Roy smiles a bit sadly.
“Guess so.” Jamie doesn’t know why talking about Keeley is frustrating him. He doesn’t want to keep doing this with Roy. He doesn’t even want to fucking date Keeley. Not right now. He’s not thinking about it, but for some reason every time Roy starts talking about Keeley, Jamie just wants to fucking push him. It makes him feel twitchy and awkward and sick to his stomach.
“Right.” Roy clears his throat. “What song are you singing?”
“Wait and see.”
“Arsehole.”
“Oi, Jamie! Did you meet Michael?” Colin comes over to their table with a grin. “My boyfriend.”
The guy beside Colin, Michael, rolls his eyes. “Nice to meet you, Jamie. He loves saying that.”
“Never introduced my boyfriend before! Oh hey, Roy. Did you meet Michael, my - “
“Boyfriend?” Roy snorts.
Colin’s face falls. “I wanted to say that.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Michael.” Roy laughs. “Colin’s boyfriend.”
“Come on, let's go meet Jan Maas.. He’s less of a dick.” Colin gives Roy one last glare as they walk off.
“Colin does know we’ve all met Michael before, right?” Jamie snorts.
“I guess it’s different.”
“Yeah, I guess it is.” Jamie pauses. “What do you think it’s like?”
“What?”
“Dating a lad? What do you think it’s like?”
“I suppose I’ve never thought about it.” Roy looks down at his beer and then takes a drink. “You might ask Colin if you’re curious.”
“I’m not anything.” Jamie shrugs. “I think they’re about to call my name.”
“Right.” Roy slides out of the booth so Jamie can get up. On stage Isaac is finishing up a song with Will and Nate. Jamie tries to ignore the fact that he can feel Roy’s eyes on his back as he walks away from him.
Jamie absolutely fucking kills Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift and he grins a bit at Roy at one point in the middle and winks because this is Roy’s fault. And he has fun. He hates karaoke, but loves that every time he looks in the back corner Roy laughing to himself, not big and full laughter but quiet and calm and Jamie knows it’s for him.
Jamie thinks.
Oh Fuck.
Jamie stumbles over the end of the song and then steps off stage as quickly as he can, trying to avoid the stares from people who are shocked he can sing - this is why he fucking hates karaoke. He starts back towards the booth he’s been sharing with Roy but half way there takes a swift left turn and heads outside.
He leans against the building for a moment. He just needs to fucking breathe.
“Jamie?”
Jamie jumps a bit.
“Rebecca, hey. Hi.”
“I saw you run outside and I thought I’d check on you.” She looks around a bit. “You’re not having a panic attack, are you?”
“What?” He laughs. “No. No, I don’t know. No?” He drags his fingers through his hair. “I needed some air.”
I needed to not go back to Roy and his knee against my leg and his smile and his laugh and his everything, he thinks.
She leans back against the wall. Jamie wouldn’t say he’s terribly close with Rebecca. He loves her though. She’s family - all of Richmond is.
“I went after someone else at a karaoke bar once.” She smiles at whatever memory she’s having. Whatever it is, she doesn’t elaborate, just swallows back her words and shakes her head. “Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you were alright out here.”
“Are you alright?” Jamie asks.
“Maybe I just needed some air too and seeing you run out here gave me an excuse to get some.”
“Is it because of Sam?”
“You know about that?”
“No offense but everyone knows about that.” Jamie snorts. “I mean, we didn’t always but we figured it out a while ago. Anyway, is that why?”
“No, that’s long over.” She waves her hand around. “It’s - “ She shakes her head. “I just have to do something I’m not really sure how to do. There used to be someone who would give me advice - annoying fucking advice full of folksy fucking American pop culture references and puns - “ She looks at Jamie with a bit of a smirk, and it makes Jamie laugh.
Jamie opens his mouth to say something but he doesn’t have the chance.
“There you are.” Roy comes over to him and Rebecca. He nods tightly at her and looks over at Jamie. “Where the fuck did you go?”
“I just needed some air. I think I’m going to head out.”
“You’re going to miss Bumbercatch.”
“Yeah, just - not feeling well. Raincheck?”
“I mean, I don’t know if Bumbercatch wants to give a private show later?”
“Right.”
Jamie can feel Rebecca looking between them. Her eyes fall on Jamie and then to Roy, back to Jamie.
“We’ll talk soon, Roy, yeah?”
“Yeah, right. Soon.”
As Jamie walks off he hears Roy say something to Rebecca. It’s sounds a lot like Right, what the fuck just happened?
+++++
It’s the first day in a long time that Jamie hasn’t woken up at 3:30 to get ready to train with Roy. It’s also the first day in a long time that he hasn’t had plans to see Roy, outside of when he was away with the England team. He doesn’t have any plans at all. It feels a bit strange. He never knows what to do with himself when he doesn’t have plans.
He stays in bed until the sun comes up and then makes his way downstairs to play FIFA for a bit before checking his phone. No one has texted which is fair. Everyone usually spends at least a few days away from each other when the season ends, and some of the lads already had plans to leave for their holiday already.
Jamie really fucking hates being on his own. Too much time to think.
It turns out it's fine because his phone rings and pulls him out of his thoughts. He doesn’t know the number on the caller id, but that doesn’t mean it’s not someone he knows. Football players are always having to get new numbers because some dickhead got ahold of their number.
“Hello?”
There’s a long pause before anyone says anything. Jamie thinks it’s probably some creepy fucking stalker for a second before the voice comes through.
“Jamie?”
And oh. That’s not who Jamie expected. He feels like he wants to throw up. There’s a lump in his throat that he can’t quite swallow down, and suddenly he’s not thinking about Roy anymore.
“Dad?”
“I only just saw your text.”
“I - “ Jamie closes his eyes, sucks in a deep breath, lets it out. “That was weeks ago.” His dad hasn’t actually called him in years. He’s always settled for a text, usually just to ask for tickets to something. Jamie hasn’t heard from him in so fucking long, and he can’t believe he’s actually hearing his voice. He’s not sure what to expect.
“I know. Is it a bad time?”
“No, no. It’s fine. You’ve never - “ Jamie’s dad has literally never cared if it was a bad time.
“I know.” He hears his dad clear his voice. “Look, I’m - shouldn’t have fucking called you. But I’ve done it now.”
His dad sounds sober. He doesn’t sound angry, and Jamie isn’t sure what to say. He’s confused and somewhere inside he’s hopeful even though he knows that’s fucking stupid. Mum is right. His dad is never, ever going to change. This is a fucking trick of some kind to get something out of Jamie. Jamie knows. He knows, but so fucking help him, he can’t make himself hang up even when he knows he should.
“Jamie?”
“I’m here. I’m here, dad.”
“I just wanted you to know I got your message, and I’m doing alright. I’m doing alright.” There’s another long pause. “I saw your match against city. You were fucking amazing, Jamie. Saw the match yesterday too - you’re, I’m a shit dad, Jamie, and you’ve done fucking well for yourself despite that, and I just wanted to tell you that.”
“What?” Jamie feels like the wind has been knocked out of him. That’s not something he ever expected to hear his dad say.
“I’m at this facility? I’ve been - well, it’s not important is it. I’ve been a shit dad and I don’t deserve anything, but if you wanted to come see me - “
“I don’t have anything to give you.” It’s a lie, and Jamie knows it. But he’s not doing it this time. He’s not giving his dad shit.
“I just want to see my son. I promise, that’s all.”
“I’ll come. But I’m - I’m not promising it’s going to be more than once. I don’t know - “ Jamie knows he’s got so much to fucking wade through when it comes to his dad, and he’s not sure if he’s ready for this, but he wants to hear what his dad has to say.
“Jamie? I’m proud of you. If you change your mind and don’t ever come and see me, I just wanted to say that.”
Jamie is not going to let himself feel a single fucking emotion about this. He’s not giving his dad the satisfaction.
“Right, thanks. I have to - “ He hangs up the phone and does the only thing he can think of.
+++++
“Jamie?” Roy frowns at him as he opens the door.
It always used to be Keeley that Jamie went to when he needed something like this, but she’s not the first person he thinks of anymore and that scares him. He’s not sure why it scares him but it does.
“Hey.”
“You look like shit.”
“Cheers.” Jamie nods and doesn’t wait for an invitation before he steps past Roy into the house. He shoves his hands into the bottom of his shirt to stop himself from fidgeting too much.
“Oh, Jamie, why don’t you come on in?” Roy rolls his eyes and closes the door behind Jamie.
Jamie balls up his fists and stuffs them into the bottom of his shirt and twists the fabric a bit. He doesn’t even know what to say to Roy about this.
“What’s wrong, Jamie? You rushed out last night and now you’re acting fucking weird.”
“Fuck off, I am not.” There’s no punch behind his words. “I need advice.”
“And you came to me? Why the fuck would you come to me?”
“Because I fucked it with Keeley and I feel weird going to her and because I can’t ask my mum about this because I know what she’ll say.”
“Right. So I’m the fucking last resort. Cheers.”
“Fuck off. You asked.” It’s not even true, but Jamie can’t tell Roy he was the first person Jamie thought of. He’s not sure why he can’t say that, but he knows it would crack something fragile open and he isn’t ready to deal with that.
They stand there for a moment, neither saying anything, like Roy doesn’t know what to say because of course he doesn’t. Jamie doesn’t know why he’s here. He bites at his bottom lip until he can almost taste blood.
“My dad called me.”
“What the fuck?” Roy sounds angrier than Jamie’s heard him in a long time. “What the fuck did that shitstain want?”
“To tell me he’s fucking proud of me.” Jamie closes his eyes. “Fuck.” There’s something wet on his face.
“Whoa, hey. Jamie?” He feels Roy’s hands on his shoulders. “Are you - fuck. I’ll fucking kill him if you want me to. I will.”
“I don’t want you to kill him.” Jamie’s voice is quiet, rough, like there’s rocks caught in his throat. “He’s in rehab.” He drops his voice even lower. “He wants to see me.”
“Well, that’s obviously not fucking happening.”
“Why not?” Jamie knows how small he sounds. He knows he sounds pathetic, like a fucking kid. His dad always makes him feel like a kid.
“Because he’s a piece of fucking shit, Jamie.”
“But he’s my dad.” And that’s the thing, isn’t it? Jamie knows. He knows everything his dad has done. He knows all of the ways he feels irreparably damaged because of that fucking man - how sometimes he can feel the sting of his fists and how sometimes if he really thinks about it he can remember how fucking terrified he was all those years ago in Amsterdam before he pushes it away so he forgets again - but at the end of the day that’s his fucking dad.
All Jamie has ever wanted was a real dad, and he’s spent years hoping that James Tartt would wake up one day and realize that he had it fucking lucky with Jamie as a son, and that James would love him - would be a dad.
“Jamie - “ Roy sighs. “Yeah, I get it.”
“What would you do?”
“I would tell him to go fuck himself.” Roy sighs. “But I’m not you, and I can’t tell you what to do. If I tell you not to do this and you regret it you’re going to fucking hate me.”
“I don’t want him to think it’s okay.” Jamie is quiet. “I want to give him a chance, but fuck. I know I might just get hurt again. It won’t be the first time he’s come back into my life swearing he’s changed. It won’t, and I never fucking learn.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want to see him.” The thing is, Jamie has a million fucking things he wants to say to his dad. He wants to tell him how he fucked Jamie up. He wants to tell him how he made Jamie the person he is, and that person is fucking amazing and James missed out on so many good things because he was such a fucking terrible father. He also just wants to tell him that he forgives him, not because it’s okay or Jamie’s over it, but because Jamie can’t hold on to that anger anymore.
That anger was fucking ruining him. James nearly ruined him.
“Okay.” Roy rests his hand on Jamie’s neck. “I can - “ He clears his throat. “I’ll go with you if you want. Not, like, I’m not going inside because I might fucking murder him with my bare hands, but I’ll drive you. I’ll wait outside.”
Jamie nods. His words are all caught up in his throat and he feels himself collapse against Roy and press his face into Roy’s neck more than he does it intentionally. He breathes Roy in and tries not to think about it too hard as Roy wraps around him in the tightest, best hug Jamie’s ever had in his entire life.
+++++
Jamie stands outside of the closed room and breathes. It’s so fucking sterile in this place, like a hospital but different. He closes his eyes and breathes, thinks of Roy sitting outside in the car waiting for him. Jamie hasn’t told anyone else he’s coming to see his dad. He knew his mum would try to talk him out of it and save him from the heartbreak of it eventually going to shit again. He knows that he needs to do this, though. Not for his dad.
For himself. He just needs to know. He needs to know if his dad can really change. He needs to know if it’s all talk for the last fucking time. This is the last time, is what Jamie keeps telling himself.
He hadn’t told his dad he was coming. His dad told him when visiting hours were in a brief text, just said he could come if he wanted but no obligation, and Jamie had decided not to say either way, in case he backed out at the last second. He doesn’t know why he’s so afraid of letting his dad down, since James Tartt had never once in his life given Jamie the same courtesy.
He taps on the door and then opens it and his voice catches in his throat before he can say anything as his dad looks up at him. He looks different - somehow younger. His hair is clipped short instead of the long mess he always remembers. He looks like a different person, less angry. Jamie wants it to be because of the treatment and not because not being around Jamie has made him kinder.
“Jamie.” His dad stands up but stays in the spot he’d been sitting in, just in front of a window.
“Hi, dad.” Jamie clears his throat. “Is this a bad time?”
“No, no it’s - no. Come in.”
Jamie steps further into the room. It’s bare. It’s virtually empty except for a couple of pictures - there’s one of Jamie and his dad when Jamie was younger. It looks like a happy memory, but if Jamie lets himself think too hard about it, he remembers going home that night and saying the wrong thing about a song on the radio and getting called soft in that tone that meant his dad could see right through him into part of himself he still tries to hide.
“I don’t know how long I’ll stay.” There’s a picture next to the bed of Jamie in his England kit. Of course his dad wants to brag about his son, the fucking England star. Had he only invited Jamie for some kind of clout with the other residents of the facility? Jamie isn’t sure how places like this work.
“That’s alright. I’m glad you came.”
“I don’t - “ Jamie bites at the inside of his cheek and circles his thumb around the ring on his finger. He doesn’t have a fucking clue what he’s doing here. He can feel panic bubbling up in his chest. The last time he’d seen his dad had been Wembley. It seems so far away but also like yesterday at the same time. He closes his eyes and thinks of Roy’s strong arms wrapped around him, holding him up so he doesn’t totally collapse. It feels better. He opens his eyes.
“I know I've been shit.”
“That’s one way of putting it.” Jamie doesn’t mean for it to come out. It just does, but he also thinks maybe he needs to say it.
“I know you think I want something from you. I don’t, not this time. I’ve fucked up my entire fucking life, Jamie. I’ve fucked up with you in ways you never deserved - “
Jamie lets out a choked out laugh.
“You took me to Amsterdam at fourteen and made me fuck a prostitute.” It tumbles out of his lips. He thinks of the memory. He had never thought about it until that night in Amsterdam with Roy. “Do you know how much that fucked with me? How much it - fuck. I shouldn’t have come here.”
“Say whatever you need to say.”
“Fuck you, dad.” Jamie spits it out. He hadn’t come here for this, but seeing James again had just brought so many feelings to the surface, things he’s felt and thought he was over but maybe he can’t be over it until he says it to the man’s face. “You abused me. My entire fucking life, and it’s supposed to be okay now because you’re in rehab? Because you’re getting better now? What about when I was a scared kid who just wanted his dad? There are no do overs.” Jamie sighs. “Fuck.”
“I can’t take it back.” James doesn’t sound defensive. Just honest. “I can tell you how I wish I could, how much I wish I could go back and be the father you deserved, Jamie, but it’s pointless because I can, but I can show you that I’m trying. I can show you that I want to be in your life if you’ll have me.”
“I’m not giving you money. I’m not giving you money or free tickets or fucking anything for your fucking friends. I’m not doing it. If you just want to know me, you don’t get to ask for favors. Not anymore. You have to prove it.”
“I don’t want anything from you, son.”
Jamie closes his eyes tight and tries not to react. He doesn’t want to show emotion.
“I know that’s hard to believe. I watched you play for England, and I was so fucking proud. I realized it didn’t matter if you were playing for City or Richmond or in fucking America - you turned out fucking great, and it’s no thanks to me, and I wish it was.”
Jamie wants to say it was it was all fucking you and the ways you broke me and I had to be strong enough at too young of an age to put myself back together because of you because of you because of you but he doesn’t want to give James the credit. He hears himself telling Ted he’d tell his dad thank you, but he’s just not there yet.
“You watched me?”
“Of fucking course I did. I fucked up your entire life, and I’m sorry. I know it’s hard to believe. I’m sorry.”
“I - “ Jamie sighs. “Thank you for saying that. Thank you for trying to be better. I don’t fucking know what it means right now, but I don’t want you to be dead in a fucking ditch somewhere. I want you to be alive. I may fucking hate you for what you did to me, but you’re still my dad, and I l- “ Jamie cuts himself off.
James nods.
“I should go. I have someone waiting in the car for me. I just wanted to see how you were doing.”
“Will you come back? I have - will you come back? It’d be nice to see you sometime.”
“Maybe. I don’t know, yeah. I’ll come back.”
“Before you go.” James goes into a suitcase and pulls out a picture. “I wanted to give you this.” It’s a picture of Jamie and his dad at a City match when Jamie was young, too fucking young to have a memory of it. James is smiling. “Your first match, this. Your mum took the picture. I thought you should have it.”
Jamie smiles. He can’t fucking help himself.
“Thanks. Yeah, thanks.” He nods. “Weird to think we were a real family once.”
“I fucked it up. I’m trying to make it right. I know your mum is happy. I know you’re good without me. I’m not asking for anything, just that I can see you sometimes and try my best to make up for it. I don’t know if I ever can, but.”
Jamie doesn’t know if he ever can either. He nods instead of saying anything.
“I have to go. Roy is waiting for me.” If James questions the name Roy, he doesn’t say anything. Jamie nods one more time. “Thanks for the picture.” He turns to leave and goes out to the car in a fog.
“Everything okay?” Roy is too delicate. It makes Jamie uncomfortable.
“I just want to go home.” He’s quiet. “Can we just go home?”
“Home, yeah.”
They end up at Roy’s house, and Jamie doesn’t question it.
+++++
Roy gives Jamie a black t-shirt and some shorts that are really only slightly too big for him and he changes clothes and then goes to settle on the sofa. Roy’s already got the television on, just on some sports show where they’re still talking about the end of the season and what’s going to happen next.
“Who do you think will replace Ted?” Jamie rests against the back of the sofa. “Think these guys are right?”
“I don’t know.” Roy swallows heavily. “I – Can I be honest? I’m fucking terrified.”
“Why?”
“I’m fucking shit at tactics. I’m really good at knowing what you need as players, but that’s really all I’m good at and if whoever they hire doesn’t need that I’m fucking done.”
“No one would fire Roy Kent.” Jamie rolls his eyes. Roy’s self esteem issues are surprising and also a welcome distraction from his dad. “Besides, the team needs you.” Jamie clears his throat. “I think maybe I need you.”
“You don’t need me to be good, Jamie.”
“No, I’m fucking serious. You made me fucking better. I don’t think I would have made the England team without you.” Jamie bites his bottom lip. “But that’s not all I mean. I don’t just mean as a coach.” The words come tumbling out before Jamie can stop them.
“Jamie - “
“No, listen.” Jamie sucks in a breath. “Wait.” Jamie closes his eyes. “You sat outside of a fucking rehab facility because I couldn’t face my dad alone. You trained me every fucking day for months. You - you became my best friend, and somewhere along the way I think I - “ Jamie shakes his head. “Nevermind. Forget it. I think, nevermind.”
“No.” Roy turns to look at him. His expression is always so fucking hard to read, but Jamie’s known Roy long enough now to know there’s something behind the steely resolve of his eyes. There’s something soft and questioning. “Please say it.”
“Roy, I - “ Jamie lets out a little choked out sound and pushes forward to press a kiss to Roy’s lips and he knows he shouldn’t do this. He knows it’s going to fuck everything up, like they’ve both fucked up with Keeley again and again but if Jamie really thinks about it maybe it hasn’t even been about Keeley for a long fucking time.
Besides, Roy doesn’t pull away either, just wraps his strong arms around Jamie and pulls him closer, presses a hand into Jamie’s hair and grips it in a way that makes Jamie shiver. He’s so filled with want and need for Roy he doesn’t know what to do with it. It’s big and overwhelming and he pulls back and closes his eyes and breathes.
“Fuck.”
“Jamie.” Roy brushes his thumb over the shell of Jamie’s ear. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Jamie nods. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you dare fucking apologize.” Roy tightens his grip on Jamie’s hair. “Don’t do that.” Roy kisses him again, softer this time but just as needy and Jamie lets Roy press him back onto the sofa so Roy’s stretched out on top of him. He feels like he’s losing his mind in the best possible way.
Roy’s his best friend. Roy’s become his best friend, and if he’s being honest, he’s been falling in love with Roy for fucking months.
Roy kisses down his jaw and then spends time kissing over his neck and he feels Roy’s hand slide under the shirt Roy had given him and just press against his skin. He isn’t sure when it happened, but he’s clinging to Roy, fingers pressing into Roy’s shoulders, head tipped back so Roy can do whatever he wants.
“Fuck, Jamie.” Roy grunts it out. “I - you.” He can feel Roy speaking rough against his throat, can feel Roy’s hot breath on his skin.
“Don’t stop.” Jamie knows he sounds small and needy. He is those things. He wants - needs. “Please don’t stop.”
“No?” Roy is quiet and he looks at Jamie, his eyes searching Jamie’s face. “Is this because of your dad? Like, because you’re - “
“No - fuck.” Jamie shakes his head. “No, no. It’s - I just.” He pushes forward and kisses Roy again, just trying to pour into it the words Jamie can’t say - that he’s wanted this for longer than he really understands, that Roy is everything he wants, that he needs.
Roy must get it because he kisses him again and it doesn’t go much further than that, just the two of them lying there, kissing and touching, hands fumbling until they both manage to wriggle out of the shorts, and just slide against each other. It’s not really frantic, but there’s a desperation there and Jamie hopes that it’s mutual because he’s never wanted anything as much as he wants Roy right now.
“Fuck.” Jamie hisses a little when Roy’s cock brushes against his own. “This - I - “ The words get all caught up in his throat and he tips his head back and arches against Roy. He feels Roy’s lips press against his adam’s apple and it makes me whimper. He fucking hates it because it feels too much - too soft - to something but it also feels fucking amazing. Roy slides his hands over Jamie’s arms and then circles his fingers around Jamie’s wrists.
It’s like Roy knows Jamie needs something Jamie didn’t even know he needed when he presses Jamie’s wrists into the sofa so they’re pinned there. Everything goes hot. Jamie can feel his skin buzzing and Roy grinds his own cock against Jamie’s harder and Jamie bites his lip so hard it almost brings the blood to stop himself from making the sounds that are threatening to escape.
“Come on, Jamie.” Roy kisses his jaw. “I know you want to.” His voice is so fucking rough. It’s so hot. It’s so Roy. Jamie thinks Roy might kill him before he can even come because this feels so good and he doesn’t want this to end. He’s afraid if it ends, it’ll be over and everything will come crashing down on him. “Come on.” Roy presses his thumb to the pulse point on Jamie’s wrist and runs over it in a circle. “You’ve always been so good for me. Don’t stop now.”
And that sends Jamie over the edge because Roy’s right. There’s always been something about the push and pull of them that makes him do what Roy says even when he doesn’t mean to. He whimpers to himself and feels the strong pull of his orgasm when he comes. Roy kisses him through it and through Roy’s own orgasm before he collapses against Jamie and presses his face into Jamie’s neck.
“Fuck me.”
Jamie laughs quietly. “No, you.” He breathes a little. “That was hot.”
“Maybe should talk about it a bit.”
“Isn’t that what we’re doing?” Jamie smiles, humming to himself. “Can we talk about it when I can think again?”
“Yeah,” Roy says, kissing his neck. “Yeah, in a bit.”
+++++
They fall asleep wrapped up in the sofa and when they wake up it’s dark outside.
“Can we talk about it now?” Roy says, “And then I’ll make us some dinner.”
“Okay, yeah. What do you want to talk about?” Jamie’s afraid Roy’s going to let him down gently, tell him it was good but it can’t happen again.
“I fucking loved it.” Roy laughs. “Can we do it more? Like all the time, maybe?”
“Oh thank fucking god. I thought you were going to say it was a mistake.”
“You could never be a mistake.” Roy rests his hand on top of Jamie’s and brushes his thumb over Jamie’s wrist. “Maybe shouldn’t have started telling you what to do without asking you if it was okay, though.”
“You can tell me what to do.” Jamie might answer a little too fast. “That’s hot. That was hot.”
“Good.” Roy laughs. “It still was a bad idea to do it without talking about it first. We’ll talk more about it later though. Jamie?”
“Yeah?”
“I really fucking like you. Like, I don’t - I know you’re my best friend, but I don’t want to be friends with you. I want to be - I want you to be everything. I’ve never dated someone who was my best friend, though, and I’m really fucking scared it will fuck up everything.”
“You want to date me?”
“Fuck off.”
“I think we’re already dating, if I’m being honest.”
“Might be.” Roy rests his head on Jamie’s shoulder. “Fuck, you’re my boyfriend.”
“I’m your boyfriend that you have sex with.” Jamie grins. “I can’t wait to tell my mum.”
Roy just laughs into Jamie’s shoulder and curses under his breath. Jamie grins. He thinks maybe everything is going to be okay.
+++++
Roy tells Jamie first before anyone else when Rebecca offers him the job. When they make the announcement it’s one of the best days of Jamie’s life. He’s so fucking proud of Roy. He knows Roy deserves to be the manager of Richmond. They haven’t talked about what it means for them, but that’s okay because no one really knows yet.
“So, what is going on here?” Keeley drags a chair over to sit with them. Everyone is having a big barbecue at Higgins’ before the season starts officially. Beard is on his honeymoon but pretty much everyone else is there.
Jamie and Roy have their chairs pulled close to each other and they’re whispering, leaning against each other in the easy way they have. They don’t know how to be apart, even before they started dating they always had to be in each other’s fucking space.
“You two look cozy.”
“Do we?” Roy smiles, looking straight ahead.
“Looks like I don’t get a choice after all, hm?” She starts to say something else when Phoebe runs over and starts chattering at her. Jamie hopes Phoebe doesn’t say anything but honestly he doesn’t think she has to. Keeley knows them.
“Oh hey, Roy.” Jamie shows Roy his phone. His mum is inviting up next weekend before the first official week. Simon wants to bake for them. Jamie isn’t sure what’s going to happen next.
He isn’t sure if it’s going to be okay with his dad, if he’s going to fuck this up with Roy, if they’re going to make an embarrassment of themselves in the Champions League. But when he hugs Rebecca tight and he looks around and sees his entire family - sees Roy, sees Phoebe, thinks about how he might repair the friendship with Keeley yet - everything feels okay.
That’s really all he can ask for.