Chapter Text
“Yo Karkat, I’m gonna need you to make a departure from the apartment for a couple hours,” you say, like this is a completely normal request you’re making for a completely normal reason.
“Huh?” Karkat rests his book on his chest and looks upside-down at you over the armrest of the couch. “Why?”
“Nothing crazy, just gotta suck my own dick.” you reply.
Karkat’s eyes narrow, and he sits up. “Wow, fine, don’t tell me why then, I guess. Just leave me in the fucking dark as to why you’re kicking me out of my own hive with literally zero notice.”
You feel a little bit bad for the subterfuge, but you procrastinated for exactly as long as you possibly could and now you’re out of time to come up with a real excuse to get Karkat out of the apartment. “No, dude, really. I was thinking, at some point a dude’s got to try and suck his own dick. It’s an important human pubescent milestone, like getting your first wet dream or learning what ‘fingering’ means. And I figured, hey, I’ve been doing some yoga, no time like the present to try and get that shit accomplished.”
Karkat scoffs. “You’re fucking 28 earth years old! Even I know that’s way past human puberty! Seriously, Dave, that’s the story you’re sticking with?“
You just give him a shrug.
Karkat heaves an aggrieved sigh and jams a receipt in his book to mark his place, digging his shoes out from under the coffee table. “Whatever, I guess it doesn’t actually matter why. You just better be grateful that I’m a trusting matesprit who tolerates this kind of cagey bullshit. I’m going to Kanaya and Rose’s, just text me when you’re done I guess.”
“Thanks babe. You’re the bestie-best,” you deadpan, blowing him an exaggerated kiss. He rolls his eyes but catches it, and heads for the door.
He pauses with his hand on the handle and points at you. “You better be done with whatever the fuck this is by dinner though, or else. We have a date, remember?”
“Come on bro, I’m still the Knight of Time. I would never be late for our Lady and the Tramp-style Italian date night. Wouldn’t miss it for all the AJ in the world. It’s gucci, I’ll be done by five.”
You watch the love of your life walk out the door and mentally curse yourself for the five millionth time this week that you’re going through with this. This has got to be, hands down, one of the dumbest things you’ve ever cornered yourself into doing, and all because of one stupid errant thought you had ten years ago.
But never let it be said that you couldn’t commit to a bit.
____
You finish blowing up the balloons and making the gigantic, intentionally off-center sign, and future-you appears just in time to help hang it up.
“Dude,” he says, flashing you a wide, stupid grin that you’re aware you make sometimes nowadays, but is still weird to see on your own face, “I know you’re still at the point where you think this is a bad idea, but trust me, we’re a genius.”
You raise an eyebrow at him over your shades. “Genius as in genius at making shitty performance art? Does this cringy bit somehow loop back around to being actually funny?”
You both fly up in the air to tack the big sign up near the ceiling, and he shakes his head. “Oh, nah, this prank never stops being Egbertian levels of suck, pun intended. Truly bottom-shelf self-ownage about to be all up in this bitch. But we’re gonna make it worth our time.”
Well that’s good at least, considering you’re currently breaking a ten-year-long commitment not to abuse your time powers. With one of the most flagrant abuses of your time powers imaginable.
“Alright, come on, let’s do this,” Future Dave says, landing back on the ground.
You land next to him, surprised. “Now? Don’t we have like, five more minutes?”
Now it’s his turn to raise an eyebrow at you over his shades. “Dude, we both know that even the shittiest performance art requires much more thorough, intensive, dare I say deeper preparation than meets the eye.”
You roll your eyes behind your shades. Fair enough, but the idea that you’re about to put actual effort into this, while predictable, is still disappointing.
“Look, past me, you’re thinking about this all wrong. You just need to decide that this is hot.”
Now that throws you for a loop, which he obviously knows. “Oh yeah, good point, future me. I hadn’t considered that I could just change my mind about how I felt about autofellatio. Woah actually hey I just realized that this is hot suddenly. Yippee, problem solved, let me get right on that.”
“Dude, seriously, just hurry up and get with the program. You’re gonna kill my boner.”
You glance down, and sure enough he’s got an actual boner. That’s objectively good, from an ‘accomplishing the bit’ standpoint, but you’re still hella confused as to how you do a complete one-eighty on this idea.
Future Dave huffs in what you can tell is an impatient kind of way. “Okay, I know you’re lost, and we’re wasting time, so let me just lay it out for you. What is it that usually gives us a boner?”
There’s only one non-time-wasting answer to this. “Uhh, Karkat?”
The grin makes a sudden reappearance on his face. “And how long will it take for Karkat to get back here if you text him right now?”
It all clicks into place, and you feel a matching grin spread across your own face in a moment of perfect understanding. Oh hell fucking yes. You are a genius. You reach in your back pocket for your phone and shoot Karkat a quick text.
TG: yo karkat
TG: i just thought about it
CG: THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT
TG: why am i sucking my own dick when i could be sucking yours
You silence and pocket your phone and then drop to your knees, looking up at him. “Alright, where fuckin’ doin’ this man.”
He pops the button on his fly. “Where makin’ it hapen.”
You reach up to grasp your own future dick. It’s kinda weird knowing you’re holding your own dick, without actually being able to feel it. It’s also weird knowing you’ve known you’re gay for this long and yet have never actually sucked a human dick before.
“It really isn’t that weird, dude. Just get in there. I’m not going to, like, let you look dumb or whatever. Not to mansplain the bit to myself or anything, but the whole point is that we are one incredibly cool dude who is so totally comfortable with his own gayness that we’ve overcome our impulse to play gay chicken and have moved on to gay choking on our own chicken. Right?” Future Dave holds out his fist to you.
You inhale. “Right.” Just one totally cool dude winning at gay chicken with himself in the most epic way possible. You meet his fist for a radical self-fist bunp and slide your mouth over his – your – dick.
It’s honestly kind of…ok fine, it’s pretty hot. Future Dave stays completely silent as you process the sensation of sucking a dick for the first time. Your dick is heavy and firm against your tongue compared to Karkat’s bulge, and obviously a lot less wet. You kind of miss the wetness, honestly, it always feels so hot when you get your mouth on Karkat’s bulge and he’s already dripping, it’s such an obvious sign that you’re turning him on and it gets you going every time…anyway, you digress. The firmness of this dick is its own interesting sensation. Its inflexibility is definitely more demanding on your throat compared to a bulge, as you discover the first time you slide down the next couple inches, but it’s also kind of satisfying to force yourself to adapt to it. You very much understand now why Karkat always sounds extra hoarse after going down on you.
Future Dave clears his throat. “Wrap your hand around it,” he says, the slightest strain in his voice belying that this is at least not the worst blowjob ever blown. “That’s what we saw, when, y’know.”
Right. Stable time-loops. You reach up and wrap your hand near the base of his dick, and Future Dave exhales in a way that is clearly a considerately restrained moan. You start to realize you’re actually kind of invested in this being a good time for him. You are going to be him soon enough, after all.
You only have to do this for a few more seconds, though, at least for your original purpose. You’ll have to wait and see what you decide to do after that. You focus back in on the ever-present awareness of the passage of time in the back of your head.
Five, four, three, two, one –
Past Dave appears from exactly ten years ago. You remember being him, having almost-but-not-quite kissed Karkat for like the fifth time, and panicking once again about the legitimacy of your own gayness. You remember thinking, ‘hey, what the hell, why not just ask myself at a future point in time, when I don’t have all these bees in my bonnet about my human sexuality?’, and then, hey, here you were.
You let past-you take in the scene. The balloons. The sign above your head, with the words ‘SLONKULATIONS YOUR GAY’ scrawled across it in wet red paint. You, twenty-eight years old, sucking your own dick.
Simultaneously, without missing a beat on the blowjob, you and Future Dave give him an incredibly cool and stoic thumbs up.
Past Dave pauses for one long moment to really take in the majesty of the worst joke you’ve ever made, and then zaps back into the past to renew his vow to never ever abuse time travel again.