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I climbed a mountain and I turned around.
From Landslide – Fleetwood Mac
*******
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
*******
“We are having a little girl.”
Hunter took a deep breath and let that reality move through him.
A little girl!
“I’m going to be her dad. ” He whispered. “Her.. dad. ”
In his chest, Hunter felt a flurry of golden magic bubble up within his chest as Flapjack’s wings flutter happy behind his heart. .
“ Titan. ” He spoke out loud, to the soul of his fallen palisman. “ This is real. She is real. She’s going to be someone real. She’s going to be someone. And to her? I am going to be someone. I’m going to be her dad. ”
When he was younger, Hunter had always longed to be someone . Every time he thought he’d come close, it turned out that he was filling the role of who someone else told him he should be.
A perfect soldier.
A dutiful nephew.
A faceless symbol.
A stand-in for a brother who committed a vile sin.
The sin of falling in love with a witch.
The sin of starting a family with her.
A sin that his predecessors and Hunter himself paid for every moment they spent under the hypnotic thrall of a man to whom they would never truly be anything but some thing.
But now? Hunter was going to be some one, and he knew for sure that was the on the precipice of – not a sin – but a miracle.
Willow and he were having a daughter.
They had wanted to keep the gender a surprise, but when they last saw Bat Queen, she had told them, “ Please you both visit with child when she’s born .”
Right now, it felt like the world around them was exploding and Hunter wasn’t sure exactly how things would unfold, but he knew now that he and Willow’s child was going to be a daughter.
And now everything just felt so much more – real.
Running his fingers over the plans he’d drawn up months ago, Hunter wiped tears from his eyes with the back of his sleeve.
He laid out the wooden slats that would become her crib.
Her crib.
Our daughter’s crib.
Where me and Willow will lay her down to sleep.
A safe space that we will provide, in a home full of love.
Our home, with Willow, who will be her mother, and with me, who will be her father.
________
The tall man in the shiny mask called him “Hunter.”
When the man had picked him up off the streets, he’d been huddled under a burlap sack which he’d stolen from the back alley of a tavern.
“Fortunate for you that I found you.” The man had told the boy. “When I heard of the wild magic attack on my family’s town, I had to know if there were survivors. And here you are, nephew, from the wreckage, sleeping in the streets.“
The boy was taken to a grand palace and given some soup and bread. On instinct he huddled into his body as he ate, vigilant that someone might take the food from him.
Belly full, he yawned.
His head felt heavy as his eyes burned from the nearby flames that bordered the dining room.
The man in the antler mask, the Emperor, said he was the boy’s uncle. He raised his half winged staff and it gave out a strange red light.
Two figures in cloaks and gray masks appeared immediately.
For a moment the boy had wondered what was with all the masks, but he was too tired to ask – and somewhat afraid to for that matter.
“These scouts will show you to your quarters, Hunter.” The Emperor said mildly.
The boy … who the Emperor called, “Hunter” felt his heart sink.
“But.. can’t I stay with you?” the boy whispered.
The eyes behind the mask glowed a bright ice blue.
“Why would you ask such a thing?” The Emperor said. “Are you not grateful for what I have already provided you?
“No, sir. I’m v-very grateful..It’s just that I..I’m scared.” He admitted.
“And you think I have brought you somewhere unsafe?” The Emperor asked.
“No sir!” The boy gasped. “I-I’m…”
“You are used to sleeping alone on the street. You can sleep alone in a castle.” The emperor told him. “Tomorrow we will discuss your potential and how you can better serve the Titan in return for what you’ve been given.”
“Yes sir.” The boy said softly.
“The scouts will lock the door behind you. To ensure your safety. Is that satisfactory for you?” The Emperor asked. There was an edge to his voice.
“Thank you, sir.” The boy whispered once more.
The masked scouts led him up a long spiral staircase to a room with some shelves, a dresser, and a bed with plain sheets.
The boy turned around to thank them, but he was met with a closed door.
“Goodnight…” He mumbled weakly.
He was answered by the cold click of the lock.
_______________
“It’s late. You should come to bed!” whispered a light voice from the doorway.
Hunter turned around to see Willow leaning up against the wall for support.
“I’m good.” He smiled, “Trying to build back my resistance to sleep.”
Willow laughed. She approached, leaning down so she could brush the hair from his eyes. Hunter pulled her into a long warm hug.
“I just thought you’d want this quilt for when her crib is done,” Willow offered.
She handed him a blanket pierced together with fabric covered in images of leaves and branches. Hunter smiled.
“Can you believe that soon we’re going to be tucking our daughter into bed wrapped up in this blanket?” His own sappiness tickled something deep within. He felt a flutter of affection from the spirit of Flapjack deep within his heart.
“Mmmmm.” Willow smiled. “I used to love it when my dad’s wrapped me up in my favorite blanket on the coldest nights.”
_________________
Hunter had made it to the top of the mountain – and now he had to get back down.
If he survived that meant he was successful. He could become a full coven scout – and then the Golden Guard. The youngest scout to survive this challenge and the youngest ever to wear the mantle of Belos’ right hand. This was all he’d ever wanted. Uncle told him as much. The title of Golden Guard was paramount to how he could serve the throne and the Titan.
But the night air seemed to be made of ice. Hunter’s soft skin was rough with frostbite. The wind stole the breath from his lungs as his eyes seemed to close on their own. The eleven year old boy – the eleven year old soldier – marched on until he found a cave with a wide open mouth. Hoping to the Titan’s horns that this was not a Slitherbeast Den, Hunter crept inside and wrapped his cloak around himself, desperate to glean whatever warmth was possible from its thin fabric.
He drifted off to sleep dodging the fear that if his eyes closed here on this frozen mountain – they might close forever.
___________
Hunter held the blanket close to him. It smelled like fresh forest air, just like Willow. She smiled at him.
He caught himself wondering what their daughter would look like? Would she have Willow’s adorably round face? Would she have a gapped tooth smile like he did?
Dreamily, he imagined the three of them giggling together over some private family moment they would one day share. An in-joke? A memory of a cooking lesson gone awry? Or maybe just laughter for the sake of being happy.
“How is it possible,” Hunter asked Willow, “To love someone so much, and I haven’t even met her yet?”
“I think that’s just part of us becoming parents.” Willow sighed. She kissed his cheek. “It's all part of the home we are building together, right?”
“A home built on love.” Hunter agreed and kissed her nose.
“A crib built with love,” Willow nodded towards the carvings on the floor.
Hunter had thought Belos loved him when he’d picked him up from the street and called him “nephew”, but soon that word had become heavy with expectation.
“Nephew” was conditional.
It came with some praise, yes. Especially in the beginning – but later, it was a title of place.
A way to wring need and desperation from Hunter’s need to please Belos.
A way to remind him that he owed the emperor everything.
Hunter leaned in and gently cradled Willow’s baby bump. She placed her hands over his.
“Wanna talk to her?” Willow grinned.
This was new. The parents-to-be had begun to “talk” to their daughter. A way to assure her – and each other – that things would be okay. Now it had become a routine for them. A way to bond with each other -- and with her.
And every word they spoke was like a spell.
A wish.
Magic willing her into the world.
Thanking her to giving them the honor of being her parents.
“I love you already.” Hunter told his daughter to be, “But know that, you will never have to earn that love from me.” Willow’s expression melted. Her eyes teared up. He felt his own eyes well up too. She kissed his forehead gently and he smiled for a moment before losing all composure. Willow wrapped him up in her arms as he sobbed out his next words.
“Titan forbid I ever make you feel that way. That you have to earn my love.” He continued. “I am the one who will always show you how worthy of love you are. Me and your mom. Every day, all the time we will make sure you know that you are loved, and every night we will tuck you into bed and tell you how much we love you.”
____________________
Camila showed Gus and Hunter downstairs. Lights encircled the staircase bringing a warmth into what could have felt cold and cheerless.
On the sofa was a blanket and pillow, and on the floor was another pillow with a sleep sack.
“You boys can sleep down here.” Camila had offered. “I will bring down more blankets soon and I have some food en el horno – in the oven. Come up when you are settled.
Hunter’s nerves crept up on him that first night. Camila had been so kind and he had done nothing to repay her.
As time went on, he began to feel comfortable in that basement. Safe. But whenever he had closed his eyes closed and he was brought back to a memory of…
He gasped. Someone was calling his name in the darkness.
“HUNTER…..”
He’d heard his voice in his dream.
No.
Not a dream, a nightmare .
In the darkness he’d drawn his knees up to his chest. His breaths labored.
The nightmares were frequent. They found him in the fold of every happy moment he’d experienced in the human realm with his friends.
“Hunter!” Gus was crying. “Hunter it’s okay.”
Gus’ voice oriented him.
“MIJO! Baby. Are you okay?”
And then Camila’s voice.
“I’m sorry!” Gus whispered, “you were just really having a rough night and I heard Camila upstairs and…”
Hunter’s face flushed with embarrassment. He hadn’t meant to disturb anyone.
“I’m f-fine.” he insisted. “I was just…”
Camila smiled softly. “Gus would you give us a moment?” She asked the younger boy. “There’s some cocoa on the counter if you’d like?”
Gus nodded and wiped his eyes before heading upstairs.
Camila gave Hunter a soft smile. “You were having a nightmare, baby.” She said gently. “You are safe. You are here in the human realm.”
“Okay.” Hunter whispered. Belos’ face still held in his mind.
“Hunter, why are you hurting me?” He’d asked.
“CALEB!” He’d hissed as the mask dropped. He lashed out, ready to strike. His true intentions made clear.
“You are SAFE here.” Camila repeated.
“I don’t know how to feel safe.” Hunter whispered. Flapjack nuzzled him.
The human woman, Luz’s mother. Camila. She just sat across from him and nodded.
“Okay.” She said. “You’ve been through a lot haven’t you?”
“I don’t know.” Hunter admitted.
He’d been told the castle was safe, but in the brief time he’d been away from Belos’ influence he was able to recognize that his body had held onto the feeling of fear for so long that he hadn’t even realized what real safety had meant.
“I’m sorry.” He sighed. “I probably woke you up. It was just a nightmare…”
Camila nodded. “You don’t have to tell me everything. Or anything!” She said softly. “You may not believe me or trust me right away. But I am here, baby. You are safe here. I will give you whatever you need until you believe that.”
Hunter felt his throat close up.
"Okay." He said.
"And if that safety requires some hot cocoa with extra marshmallows? Well, I can give you that too. Okay?" Camila smiled.
"Okay." Hunter whispered. This time he smiled back.
Was this what he’d been missing for so long? He didn’t even do anything for Camila to earn her kindness.
Camila held out a white figure, that looked like a chubby version of Ghost, Amity's cat palisman. She pushed a button at the bottom and the cat began to light up, changing colors every few seconds.
Red. Orange. Yellow. Green. Blue. Purple. Pink.
“I will leave a light right here baby." Camila said softly. "You can turn it on if you have another nightmare. Don’t worry about waking us up. We are here. I am here.”
______________
Hunter ran his hands over the slats of wood once more and began to assemble them.
He pictured a small bundle, in the middle of the mattress, tears pouring from her eyes as he and Willow reached down to comfort her.
Even babies had nightmares. Hunter knew that.
“I wish I could promise you that you’ll never have a nightmare when you sleep here.” He said out loud, hand still on Willow’s belly. “I wish I could protect you from bad dreams.” He told his daughter to be. “But I CAN’T. But I promise, I will always be there to turn on the light, and hold you close.”
“ We will always be there.” Willow reminded Hunter, and their daughter to be.
“ We will.” Hunter agreed happily.
As a teen, he had found it difficult to describe his nightmares to his friends. To Camila. To his therapist even.
After all, these nightmares had simply been recounts of what Hunter had considered life everyday at the Castle. He hadn’t realized how a dream of a memory could shift the perspective of a moment that seemed mundane.
How it could expose the darkest parts of his life.
As a baby, his daughter wouldn’t be able to tell him what had scared her. And there was a part of Hunter that felt bad about that. That there would be things in her mind that frightened her so much when she lacked the words to describe them.
And yet, it reminded him of where he had been settling into his new life when he couldn’t put his fears into words.
_____
“You can call me, ‘Mama’ if you’d like mijo… but you don’t have to.” Camila told Hunter.
Just a few hours ago, she’d surprised him with a newly renovated space in the basement. He had a real bed, covered in fluffy quilts and pillows. Matching furniture awaited stacks of clothing that Hunter would design, and a cork board where he would hang pictures of family and friends.
Camila had been working hard to prove that he had what it took to adopt him. To make Hunter her son legally. No one had ever fought for Hunter like Camila had.
It made him feel so safe.
The way she spoke to him? So soft and kind.
“You must be sleepy, baby.” Camila had sighed.
“I’m very grateful,” Hunter said, “You’ve done so much for me –”
“You are worth it mijo… but is there something else you’d like to ask me?” Camila smiled.
“Oh. No. I’m okay.” Hunter mumbled.
“Baby,” Camila said softly, “If there’s something you need, I am listening.”
For a moment, he thought back to that first night at the castle. He was so small and scared. Now the idea of Belos staying with him as he fell asleep was positively repulsive.
But that cold click of the lock as the scouts shut him in his then bare bones room? Even then, he knew he was missing something. Camila had shown him what that something was.
He took a breath.
“It’s silly. I’m not a little kid but…” Hunter looked at his hands. “Before you go up, would you – um – tuck me into bed?” He whispered.
Camila had explained what this had meant a few weeks earlier. She’d wrapped him up in a blanket and given him a kiss on the forehead. Luz admitted that Camila had done the same to her and Vee more recently.
Camila had explained that she had tucked Luz into bed when she was little, but as time went on, it had stopped. Luz got older. Life became busy. Manny’s illness took over life.
But when Luz returned home, Camila had begun to do it once more.
And Vee? Vee who had also never had a Mama also enjoyed this ritual.
“I-I know that sounds silly but..” Hunter continued.
Camila waved off his worry. “Of course mijo!” she smiled. “And if you’d like? I can stay here until you fall asleep. Whatever you need.”
_______
“So.” Hunter looked around the room. “This is going to be her room. Where she’s going to sleep every night?”
Willow eased down onto her back. She sprawled out on the rug below. It had been woven on a hook loom, and bordered with images of red cardinals and blue jays. Hunter rolled over, fitting his head under her shoulder, hand across her belly. They interlocked their pinkies, then their hands.
“Mmmmm.” Willow sighed. “Yes.. but –”
“I was thinking we should keep her crib with us –” Hunter said quickly.
“I was thinking the same thing!” Willow agreed brightly. “At least for the first few months…”
“Right! You know, because according to all the books I’m reading? It's important for new parents to be ready for anything in the first few months of the baby’s life!” Hunter cleared his throat, allowing a hint of authority into his voice.
“Ah! So you have been reading all the parenting books I picked up from Spawns and Sapplings?” Willow laughed. She tickled his ribs slightly and he laughed.
“I may have perused them… yeah.” He admitted.
“And marked them with post it notes. And written on both sides of said post it notes?” Willow teased. “I know your methods, guy.”
Hunter snuggled closer, calmed by the rise and fall of Willow’s belly in perfect sync with his own breath. A slight ripple bloomed below their palms. Their future daughter making her presence clear.
“I love her so much.” He cried. “I don’t even know what she’ll look like yet? What her voice will sound like? I have no idea if she’ll like wolves or birds? But I love her.”
Willow smiled. Gently, she raised her hand, brushing his hair from his face and a tear from his eye as she drifted off to sleep in his arms.
And then, Hunter felt a flutter in his heart.
Flapjack…
_____________
Hunter had gotten used to the rainy afternoons in the Human Realm.
He knew Gus, Willow, Amity – his friends – they wanted to get back home. To see their own fathers.
The only father figure Hunter had ever known was Belos. He understood the want of love from a parent. As he’d gotten to know Camila, that feeling had grown into longing for a mother… but his friends all had fathers they missed. Luz’s situation was even more difficult, because her father was gone for sure.
He’d been reading a Cosmic Frontier book where Chief O’Bailey had been confronted by his creators. The one who had cloned him to betray his found family. O’Bailey fought and had been gravely injured protecting the others.
“If I – live to see tomorrow –” O’Bailey told Avery and the rest of crew, “I promise to spend every moment showing you that you all mean the world to me.”
“You mean the world to me.” Hunter repeated those words over and over, as he drifted off into a gentle sleep.
He may not have had a father figure who protected him, but in that moment, Hunter imagined that he could be a protector. Of his friends. Of Camila. Of Willow …
And maybe? One day?
He could be…
Someone.
Someone’s dad.
“And one day, you will.” Whispered Flapjack, as the bird palisman covered Hunter with a blanket.