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“Huh,” says Lance, audibly.
“What’s up?” asks Allura, pushing back her rolly chair so she’s visible past the library cubicle divider.
“I just got the weirdest dm,” says Lance, holding up his phone.
“No one wants you to be an influencer, Lance,” says Pidge, pushing their chair out from the cubicle on the other side of Allura. “It’s a pyramid scheme and you shouldn’t be checking your dm’s during study time anyway.”
Someone at a nearby table loudly shushes Pidge.
“Don’t shush me!” snaps Pidge. “I was the one trying to shut them both up. I’m the shusher upper. I’m the king of shush!”
The person who shushed sinks down in their seat. Meanwhile, Lance goes ahead and tells Allura what he was planning to tell her.
“I’m invited to go on a dating show as a potential suitor for Keith.” Lance adds in the most awkward chuckle. “That’s weird, right? Why me?” He does another chuckle again, which sounds like a sound he’s never before made in his life. “Like… like… why?”
“Oh, I got that one too,” says Allura, pulling her phone out of her pocket. “I was going to ignore it, but if you’re doing it too, maybe we should go on together?”
“You?” gasps Lance, his chest suddenly tightening. “Like, you and me competing… for Keith?”
“I got invited too,” says Pidge, holding up their phone.
This immediately gets a shush from the shusher.
“Don’t make me come over there!” threatens Pidge, drawing back their phone arm like they’re about to chuck it at them.
“The three of us are going to compete for Keith?” chokes Lance. He’s sweating. Why is he sweating?
“A lot more than just us,” says Allura. “It’s for that MTV program, Singled Out. Don’t they start with fifty suitors?”
“Thirty in the Quibi version,” says Pidge. “Then Keith narrows it down to the person he wants to try dating. They pick everyone in the dating pool from his social media, that’s why we all got the invite.”
“Oh,” says Lance, suddenly feeling less chosen and more recruited. Like it’s a pyramid scheme…
“I never thought Keith would do one of these gameshows,” says Allura.
“Shiro must’ve put him up to it,” says Pidge. “He never even dates and definitely wouldn’t publicly search for someone to date.”
“So we’re all,” says Lance, pointing to himself, then Allura, then Pidge, “genders he’d date?” Lance had never considered what Keith’s sexuality might be.
“He swings every which way,” says Pidge.
Allura shakes her head swiftly and says, “I think he’s more of a ‘I like the wine, not the label’ kind of person. The type who’s looking for a soulmate, whomever they turn out to be.”
“Should be a laugh,” says Pidge and for a moment Lance thinks they’re implying it’s somehow funny Keith believes in soulmates, but then he realizes they’re talking about the dating show itself. “I’ll do it, if you two do it.”
“I’m in,” says Allura, “and I think you definitely should sign up too, Lance.”
“Okay,” says Lance with a shrug. “I guess we’re doing this.” Then he does that uncharacteristic chuckle again and adds, “Imagine if Keith picks one of us!”
Instead of joining in on the laughter, Pidge and Allura shared a look.
The shusher gives a loud shush, prompting Pidge to stand up. “Oh, that’s it!” they snap, heading towards the shusher.
*****
The problem with being one of the 30 “singles” (contestants) chosen from Keith’s social media, is Lance also knows pretty much everyone else who’s been invited onto the show. There’s James, that prick they both went to high school with and Nyma, Lance’s ex (well… they only went on one date so maybe not an ex. Though it ended with her tying him up… but only so she could steal Lance’s car.) Worst of all, Lance’s own twin sister is among them!
“What are you even doing here, Rachel?” Lance demands when he runs into her in the green room.
“Same thing you’re doing here. Competing to win a date with Keith!”
“That’s not why I’m – you can’t just – dammit, Rach! He’s my friend!”
“Exactly! And I’m looking to have that title, plus add boy as the prefix. He’s hot, Lance! He’s your hottest friend! And I’ve asked you a million times to set me up, but you’ve refused. Lucky for me we follow each other on Tiktok so now I don’t need you to set us up. I’ll win him over myself and then I’ll rub it in your face! But don’t worry brother, I’ll still thank you in my wedding speech.”
“You die now!” spat Lance, raising up the free bottle of mineral water he’d just gotten from craft services like a club he’s about to pummel her with.
“Sure. Resort to violence and get yourself booted from the show. Knock yourself out early so I can smoothly sail into the winner’s circle and into Keith’s arms.”
Realizing the optics of beating his sister with a water bottle would indeed look bad, Lance aggressively tosses it into the garbage instead and marches over to where Allura and Pidge are talking.
“I want to win now!”
“Finally he admits it,” says Allura, with an exasperated sigh.
“Hold on,” says Pidge, “he contextualized the statement with the word now. Why now, Lance?”
“Because otherwise Rachel is going to poke holes in the condom and trap him with a baby and I am not giving the best man speech!”
“Understand that?” asks Pidge, looking to Allura.
“Not at all,” replies Allura.
“But I can’t commit twinicide!” continues Lance. “Not in public at least and not without getting kicked off!”
“Alright, everyone, gather round!” calls out a tall man with red hair and a robust mustache. “Our PA’s will now begin handing out your LED wristbands.”
A girl with spiky hair appears and latches a bracelet onto Lance’s wrist.
“They will turn green when you continue on in a round and red when you’re sent to the Friendzone.” The Friendzone is apparently where you have to go stand when you’re eliminated from the competition. Lance doesn’t want to be in Keith’s friendzone.
“Quick!” says Lance, turning to face Pidge and holding out his wrist, “Hack mine!”
“Lance,” says Allura, stepping in and batting Lance’s wrist away. “Has it ever occurred to you that Keith might just choose you? No hacks or schemes needed?”
Lance thinks about this. “You’re right. He won’t know it’s me so I’ll have a chance.”
Allura sighs dramatically.
****
“Why don’t you tell us about yourself?” asks the host, Keke Palmer.
“I’m Keith and I’m, as my brother puts it, perpetually single.”
The filming of the game show starts and Keith gets introduced in the hot seat, but he doesn’t get to meet the dating pool or even see them. All thirty of them are behind him and Keith’s set up in a chair facing the cameras. Now that it’s started and the hosts are introducing Keith as the “dater” it all feels kinda surreal. Lance wonders what he’s doing here and considers slipping away off set, when his sister elbows her way through the other singles to come stand beside Lance.
“You’re going down,” she whispers.
“I’m not going anywhere when it comes to Keith,” says Lance, firmly. “Not home, not to the friendzone, and certainly not down!”
“Do you ever listen to yourself?” snorts Rachel.
One of the hosts, Joel, joins the group of them (cueing the twins to shut up) and speaks to the camera, “Over here we have the thirty singles, all pulled from Keith’s socials, all hoping to be a little bit more than inbox buddies with him, if you catch my drift.
“Some of them he only knows by their screen names, others are IRL. I’ve got one right here, who tells me he’s seen Keith naked.”
Lance is shocked to see Joel tap Hunk on the shoulder. When did Hunk get here?!
“Back when they were toddlers, I should add,” continues Joel. “They used to take baths together.”
“Hunk,” whispers Allura, grabbing his arm, once Joel has moved on. “When did you get here?”
“Late,” Hunk whispers back. “I wasn’t going to sign up in respect to Lance, but – Lance!” Hunk finally notices him. “Good you’re here. Good. Good.”
“Three good’s?” questions Lance. He’s soon distracted as he notices the other host, Keke, talking to Keith.
“We’re going to start with Dealbreakers. Anyone who doesn’t match your answer gets sent to the Friendzone. Pick a category from on screen.”
“Let’s go with Doggystyle,” says Keith.
Lance can’t see the screen from where he’s standing, but he already answered all the categories of questions in the pre-interview. Whether they match answers is up to what Keith picks right now.
“For Doggystyle, you’re picking between Pet Free or Pet Friendly,” explains Keke. “Tell us, Keith, what kind of home do you have?”
“Pet friendly of course,” says Keith. “I have a dog, Kosmo. He’s my best friend and any partner I have has to love him like I do.”
Lance watches his own bracelet light up green and feels relief. Naturally he’d answered pet friendly in the pre-interview. He loves Keith’s dog, Kosmo, and on the family farm growing up they’d take in any stray animal that wandered onto their land. Unfortunately, this means Rachel had answered pet friendly too, which is why she’s happily brandishing her green bracelet.
“Everyone who answered Pet Free can head on over to the Friendzone,” announces the cohost, Joel.
The Friendzone is an area on the other end of the sound stage where the eliminated singles will gather to watch and react to the rest of the game show. The path to the Friendzone brings the now eliminated singles marching past Keith in a line so he can get a look at who he’s rejected right off the bat. Some slink by sheepishly while others strut or flip their hair, showing off what Keith said no to.
“Well, I’m out,” says Allura, showing Lance her red bracelet as she moves away to head to the Friendzone.
This surprises Lance. “But you have a cat!”
“Yeah, and he’s an asshole!” Allura calls back over her shoulder. “Good luck!”
****
Keith’s giving the eliminated singles no reaction no matter how hard they try to look hot while passing him by. That is until Allura. When she gets in front of him she drops it down real low and gives her booty a pop. This immediately gets Keith laughing as suddenly one of his best friends is twerking in front of him.
Doing this show is dumb, but so far it’s been more fun than he expected. Not that he’s going to thank Shiro for forcing him to sign up.
The thing is though, if Allura agreed to come on the show… who else might be back there?
“Pick your next category, Keith,” says Keke, bringing his attention back to the game.
“Bunkmates,” says Keith, drawn to the name.
The category name flips around on the screen revealing two choices: Top Bunk or Bottom Bunk?
Keith resists the urge to roll his eyes as Keke reads the choices out loud. It’s pretty obvious what they’re actually asking.
“If I’m tired, it’s all the same to me,” Keith answers. “I’ll be a gentleman and let my bunkmate have first pick at top or bottom.”
“So you sleep both ways?” asks Keke, wiggling her eyebrows.
“In more ways than one.”
“Both answers are correct so no one goes to the Friendzone,” the host announces. “Keith, you can pick another category. Hopefully one you have more of an opinion on.”
“I’ll do a wholesome one. I pick Family Time.”
The screen displays the two options as Keke reads it out. “All the Time or Just for the Holidays?”
“All the time,” answers Keith.
*****
“Dammit,” says Pidge, showing Lance their red bracelet. “That’s not a fair question. Keith’s only family is Shiro. I’m the one who has to deal with Matt, Sam, and Colleen.” They say their mother’s name like it tastes bad in their mouth.
“As an orphan, my foster brother is the only family I have,” says Keith. “I’d like to feel what it’s like to be part of a big, loving family. I’d like my future partner to come with an extended family. Maybe one I could be invited to join?”
The sentiment is so sweet, Lance feels touched. He never knew Keith felt this way. Luckily Lance has a big family who he loves to spend time with (fortunately he didn’t run into Rachel and get annoyed with her until after he did his pre-interview or else he might’ve done a different response.)
“Oh, oh, look who comes with a big family,” whispers Rachel, shoving her green bracelet in Lance’s face. “One that I love eighty-three percent of.”
“So everyone but –”
“Everyone but you, yes!”
“Good luck,” says Pidge, punching Lance on the arm. They then walk out in front of Keith and dab before heading to the Friendzone.
At this point there’s half a dozen of them left including Lance, Rachel, Hunk, and James.
“Keith, pick one more category to finish off the first round,” says Keke.
“Night Activities,” says Keith.
“Night in or night out?”
“I’ve never liked clubs. It’s part of why I have a hard time meeting people. So I’m going to say night in.”
“Ha! You’re screwed!” says Rachel, pointing a finger in Lance’s face. “Everyone knows you love the night life!”
“Wrong,” says Lance, holding up his wrist sporting the green bracelet. “Single Lance likes the nightlife, but relationship Lance likes to hibernate on the couch with my special lady – er – person.”
“My love for date nights has eliminated me,” says Hunk, showing Lance his red wristband. “Good luck, Lance.”
“Why do people keep wishing me luck?”
*****
“We are down to three sexy singles,” announces Joel, “and they’ll be moving on together to Round Two with a game we call ‘Slide into DMs.’”
Holy shit! Lance is in the last three! Sadly, so is his sister, but at this point they can’t keep whispering insults to each other while at the back of the crowd. Suddenly, Lance is one of the stars of the show!
“Keith, we’re going to show you photos from each of the singles’ social media profiles – faces covered – and they are going to give you their best pick up line to match.”
Rachel’s photo is up first and it’s her in her Halloween costume from last year when she went as the devil. Or rather, revealed her true self.
“Alright, Shedevil,” says Joel, bringing the mic over to Rachel. “Give us your best pick up line.”
Rachel leans in towards the mic and says in an attempted sultry voice, “Play your cards right and my pitch fork won’t be the only thing poking you.”
“Oh!” Keke and Joel have big reactions. Keith’s is a more subdued smirk. Suddenly Lance is on a mission to make Keith laugh.
James’s photo gets put up on the screen next. In the foreground is a SOLD sign with James just back of it with a shovel stuck in the ground. Lance knows from Facebook James is using his parents’ money to invest in real estate and pretending he got successful overnight with hard work and elbow grease.
“Okay, Undertaker,” says Joel, snidely deciding James looks like he’s digging a grave rather than doing the stereotypical ‘breaking ground’ photo op, “what’s your pick up line?”
“By day I break ground,” says James, “by night I break the bed.”
Keke and Joel eat it up, but Lance is pleased to see Keith shake his head like he’s unimpressed.
“Let’s throw our last single’s photo up,” says Keke.
Now, Lance did not get to pick what photo of him they showed. They were able to pick from any of his social media photos. So when he sees a photo of himself squatting on a stool with only a pair of shorty shorts on while he milks his cow Kaltenecker, Lance is horrified, but covers it with a laugh.
So Rachel gets her sexy devil costume and James gets to look successful and Lance looks like hickiest hick you’d ever want to avoid giving a hickey to?!
“The Milkman has commeth!” announces Joel, dramatically. “Give us your line, Milkman.”
“Just like milk,” says Lance, framing his chin with his thumb and pointer finger, “I do the body goooooooood.” The line isn’t the best, but Lance deliberately stretches out the ‘o’ in good as long as he can for comedic effect.
This gets an eyerolls from Keith, but it also gets a laugh, which is what Lance was going for!
“Keith, you need to eliminate one. Who are you sending to the Friendzone?” asks Keke.
“Is it Shedevil?” asks Joels, “... Undertaker?... Or Milkman?”
When the camera shifts to him, Lance makes sure to give it a smoldering look and the finger guns for good measure.The singles already in the Friendzone give him a big cheer.
Keith keeps quiet for a beat to build the dramatic tension, but then he says, “Sorry, Undertaker. Your line came off kinda stiff.”
“Alright, Undertaker,” says Joel, directing this at James. “You’ve been blocked from Keith’s dms.”
“Keith, the man you’ve sent to the Friendzone has known you since you were in high school,” explains Keke. “He says he used to bully you, but only realized recently he did so because he had a crush on you. He was hoping to reconnect and apologize for his past behaviour and spend the rest of your lives making it up to you.”
“I really am sorry,” says James as he steps in front of Keith to reveal its him.
Keith, in a classy, but awkward move, reaches out to shake James’s hand before he’s shuffled off towards the Friendzone.
“Keith, you are down to two sexy singles who will be battling it out for your affection in the final round,” announces Keke, “one we like to call Get Physical!”
“Shedevil, Milkman, are you ready to get physical?”
“Ready!” cheers Lance.
“I’m gonna mop the floor with him!” brags Rachel.
“Speaking of mop,” says Keke. “Keith, you have an interesting hairstyle. What do you call that cut?”
“Mullet,” says Lance, automatically, even though it’s not his turn to speak.
“Yeah, mullet,” says Keith, rolling his eyes.
“With hair like that, you look like you’d be a fan of metal music. Do you like metal?” asks Keke.
“Love it,” answers Keith.
“I bet. Your hair, it’s perfect for headbanging. How important is it that your partner can keep up with your headbanging?”
“Against a headboard? Pretty important. But I’d love to go to a metal show for a first date.”
“That’s why we’re going to challenge Mr. Milkman and Ms. Shedevil to a head bang off!” announces Joel. He produces two 80’s hairband wigs and presents them for Rachel and Lance to put on. “And to see who bangs the hardest, you’ll be wearing these step counter headbands!”
Rachel clearly isn’t excited to put on the wig so Lance is the first one to get the wig and the headband on.
“Milkman is speedy with the prep,” comments Joel. “Shedevil is taking her time. Nope. She’s ready now. Come this way you two.”
Keke spins Keith’s chair around so Lance and Rachel can come to the center of the set.
“Ready? Set? Bang!”
Generic hairband metal starts playing and Lance starts banging his head to the music.
“Milkman is staying on beat,” narrates Joel, “But Shedevil is banging it out double time.”
Lance looks and sees Rachel has no regard for the beat of the music, but is trying to bang her head forward and back as quickly as possible.
“Speed isn’t everything,” says Keke. “Except when you wanna win.”
Realizing he has to step it up, Lance speeds up, ignoring the beat. He’s immediately dizzy, but keeps going even though it makes him stumble. He collides with Rachel.
“Oh! We have a moshpit starting!” announces Joel.
This simple statement gives the twins permission to start doing just that! Both step back and then slam into each other, ricochet back, and then repeat. Hands get involved as they begin shoving at each other.
“The claws are coming out!”
Lance grabs Rachel’s wig and it comes flying off, stepcounter headband included!
“Milkman has snatched Shedevil’s wig! Her step counter is on the ground! She’s scrambling to get it back on her head!”
Meanwhile Lance is free to headbang and jump around to the music, feeling satisfied that he’s just taken the lead. And that’s when Rachel jumps on his back…
“She’s tackled him! Shedevil has Milkman by the proverbial horns! She’s trying to snatch his wig right back, but he’s holding it down! He can’t bang his head like this! He’s moving his whole body and Shedevil with him to get those headbang counts!”
The song ends and Keke yells for them to stop, so Lance freezes. He’s exhausted and his back hurts, but Rachel refuses to climb off him until Joel helps her down. Lance is now extremely dizzy. It is not good to rattle his brain so much.
“Let’s see who headbanged the most!”
Lance is honestly kinda queasy as he’s once again shuffled to the back of the stage so Keith can be turned around without seeing him or Rachel.
“Is that a dead animal?” asks Keith, spotting Rachel’s wig on the ground.
“It’s Shedevil’s wig,” clarifies Joel.
“Did she have that when she came in?”
Lance is stupidly still wearing his own wig even though the step counter headbands have been taken away by Keke. Without thinking, he rips it off and tosses it to the front of the stage.
In a flash, Keith gets out of his chair and catches it before it lands. “We have a live one,” exclaims Keith.
“Looks like Milkman has thrown his wig into the ring,” says Keke.
“And Keith caught it,” says Joel. “Is this like a bouquet at a wedding?”
“Always the wig grabber, never the bride.”
Rachel is practically vibrating because they still haven’t announced who won the headbang off.
“What are those headbang counts looking like?” asks Joel, directing this at Keke
“Looks like Milkman got one hundred and fourteen headbangs in.” There’s cheering from the Friendzone and loud whoops from Allura and Pidge. “And Shedevil got one hundred… and twenty-seven.” A loud boo comes from the Friendzone. “...Making Shedevil the winner of the Get Physical Challenge!”
Rachel screams in excitement. She’s standing so close to Lance that it hurts his ears. Add on to that he’s feeling disappointed. He failed to win in order to block Rachel from dating Keith.
Why is it wigging him so much? Rachel is his twin so she can’t be all bad. Some of Lance must’ve rubbed off on her. Perhaps literally in the womb.
He doesn’t begrudge her a boyfriend. But what does she want with Keith anyway?
He dresses funny. He listens to Mullet Rock. He’s not even cute… in a conventional way.
He’s just like a lone wolf who hangs out alone all the time and when they do manage to get him out, he’s terrible at conversation. Couldn’t take him anywhere.
Wait a second, what was Lance stressing about?
This is like… Keith. Okay, okay, he’s kind of a Hemsworth, but what would he want with Rachel anyway? She couldn’t make him happy. Keith needs someone with imagination. Someone to look out for him, watch his back. Someone to laugh at his jokes… in case he ever makes any.
Then suddenly…
“Oh my god,” mutters Lance. “I love Keith.”
Lance is majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Keith! But now what does he do? He’s already lost…
“Keith, Shedevil is the winner, but ultimately the choice is yours,” says Keke.
Keke would be a good nickname for Keith if Lance were dating him… wait, Lance got distracted and missed important information!
“To put it another way,” says Keke, “do you want to take home the one who bangs the mostest or are you feeling thirsty for some milk?”
Lance almost chokes when he realizes he hasn’t quite lost yet. But now it’s up to Keith! And he dumb! And if he doesn’t pick Lance, Rachel will go out with him and have sex with him right away (because Lance would do the same given the chance) and even if Lance does confess in the future, it’ll be too late because Keith already slept with his evil twin sister!
“Speed when banging can be exhilarating,” says Keith.
“Yes!” huffs Rachel, punching her fist into the air.
“But…”
“No, no butts!” squeals Rachel.
“Yes, butts,” breathes Lance. “All the butts…”
“... I’m more into the motion of the ocean than the speed of the deed. And, uh, I’m really curious what someone who can milk a cow is like with his hands, so…”
“Noooooo!” bellows Rachel, startling both the hosts.
“Uh, so the single you’d like to single out is…?” asks Keke, glancing back nervously at Rachel.
“Milkman,” says Keith, firmly. Lance could cry because oh my fucking god Keith just chose Lance on a dating show! But also there’s fresh terror because Keith just chose Lance on a dating show and he doesn’t even know it’s Lance!
“Before you meet the man, the milk, the legend, let’s meet who you passed up as she heads on over to the friendzone,” says Joel, motioning for Rachel to come forward.
“Keith, meet Rachel,” says Keke. “You’ve known her since high school where you became friends with her twin –”
“Big mistake!” shouts Rachel, cutting Keke off. She marches herself out in front of Keith and sticks a finger in his face. “Huge!”
A stagehand is desperately trying to signal for Rachel to back away, but this just brings her rage on him.
“Don’t corral me! I’m not going to the damn Friendzone!” She turns back to Keith to say, “We’re not friends! Bye Felicia!” Then she storms right off set.
Only a bit thrown, Joel and Keke keep things rolling. “Let’s meet who you did pick,” says Keke.
“You’ve known him since high school. He considers you a good friend, but this show piqued his interest and he was curious to see what might happen…”
Was that what Lance had said in his pre-interview? It hadn’t even occurred to him he wanted to win.
“...Wildly enough, he’s the twin of the woman who just stormed out of here. Keith, meet Lance!”
Lance is terrified, stepping forward so Keith can see him. He hadn’t known he was choosing Lance so what if he’s a terrible disa – wait, no! He’s smiling?
Keith’s smiling when he sees it’s Lance! Which makes Lance laugh and then Keith is laughing. Wait… why is he laughing? Is he laughing because he thinks this is a prank?
Lance is in the middle of panicking when Keith steps forward and pulls him into a hug. The way this hug calms Lance’s nerves is miraculous. It feels so right to be held by Keith.
“I was hoping you’d sign up,” Keith whispers. The words are like fingers tickling up Lance’s spine. He’s smiling so hard that when he kisses Keith’s lips, he’s all teeth, but they get it right the second time.
The hosts keep trying to talk to them both, keep the show going, but it all sounds like noise to Lance. Eventually they stop kissing long enough to answer questions about how they’re feeling about being paired – AS IF IT WEREN’T OBVIOUS! Lance barely registers what he says, he’s just so happy, holding onto Keith’s hand and grinning like an idiot for the cameras.
Later, when he asks Keith why he signed up for the show, Keith tells him he thought it was time to move on from his crush on Lance, but… also it’s a dating show where people you know confess their feelings to you, so really he wasn’t moving on at all.
So did he know Lance was among the singles?
Once he saw the Milkman photo, he knew it was Lance and there was no chance he was going to pick anyone else, no matter the results of the game. Lance made the move he’d always hoped for by signing up and Lance was always going to be Keith’s first choice.
“I could’ve picked you out of thousands,” brags Keith, when they’re back at his place and holding hands on the couch. (How cute are they already?)
“But you couldn’t just tell me you liked me?”
“And you would’ve accepted my feelings?”
“Well, no, because I didn’t know that I liked you,” explained Lance. Seeing Keith now, through these brand new eyes, it seems impossible to deny how much Lance loves him.
“So first I would’ve needed to tell you you like me.”
“I wouldn’t have believed you.”
“Exactly. I had to let you figure that out on your own. Too bad you’re so slow.”
Lance picks up a throw pillow and whacks Keith on the head.
“It’s not the speed of the deed,” recites Lance, “It’s the motion of the ocean.”
“Mmm,” hums Keith. “Get over here and prove it.”