PS. I Hate You

by SnarkyMagpie

Summary:

Reg: You’re… adequate.
James: You have a typo in ‘the most beautiful person I’ve ever had the fortune to lay my humble eyes upon.’
Reg: Shame your humongous ego utterly ruins the impression.
James: My ego’s the perfect size for my body, thank you very much.

---

Sometimes, life doesn’t go your way, but James Potter wouldn’t say he’s struggling. Not exactly. But after having his heart broken—no, not broken, shattered into a million pieces—by the woman he intended to marry, he swears off dating, determined to overcome the terrible writer’s block that’s been plaguing him ever since he finished the trilogy that earned him international fame and the status of a writing superstar.
The problem is, his muse has taped her mouth shut, moved to The Maldives, and refuses to answer his calls.
So, when he messages the wrong number by accident, he’s more than happy to distract himself by trading barbed remarks with the mysterious person on the other side. All the better when he learns his new acquaintance is a man. No danger of falling in love. Unfortunately, the stranger hides secrets of his own. Secrets that will force James to re-examine his feelings and put his poor abused heart on the line.

Notes:

Okay, a couple of notes. I've never written a text fic before, but it turned out to be a lot of fun. I'd say about 65 % of the story is messages, with "normal" chapters sprinkled in between, especially toward the end. Some combine both messages and "normal" storytelling. Btw. I'm aware that people don't spell this correctly in messages, but in this case, I chose to prioritize comfortable reading over staying true to life.

1. This fic is 100 % just an excuse for me to write extremely smitten James, so if a simp James is your jam, you've come to the right place, lol.

2. It's also an attempt to try a different approach to something I've seen people commenting on: that James would pick Sirius above Reggie if it came to it every time. I find that... extremely sad. Regulus is no one's first choice. Not even for the person who's supposed to love him the most, so. I wanted to write "But what if he was," which might not sit well with some readers, but alas. That's what I'm exploring in this story. I've got other stories with different dynamics, but in this one, James loves Regulus above everything and everyone.

3. Sirius is a bit of a jerk here, and he doesn't get along with Reggie at all. He's got his reasons, and once again, I've got other stories where the brothers love each other or at least aren't completely antagonistic, but here, they hate each other's guts (it gets better over the course of the story, though, I promise).

4. There are brief mentions of Jily in the beginning, but Jegulus is very much the endgame. I love Lily, though, and I'm firmly in the camp of "James and Lily besties supremacy," so there's no Lily bashing here.

5. I'm not a native speaker, so there might be an occasional mistake, confused word, or odd phrasing, for which I apologise. I do self-edit a lot, and I've got a beta reader, but nobody's perfect. So, please be kind (but feel free to point out the mistakes; I'm always happy to fix them).

Anyway, I wanted to put this disclaimer out there so you're not going in blind and can opt out of reading if some of these tropes aren't to your taste.

This story started completely on a whim between other projects but quickly took over my life. I wrote over 100 K words in two months, and with 145K words overall, it's the longest thing I've ever written.

Thanks to anyone who chose to read it, leave kudos, or comment. I love you <3 And I love hearing everyone's opinions, so if you want to, please share them! Even when the fic is finished - I still respond to comments and love to hear your theories. (No pressure, though.)

Happy reading!

Also: a huge thanks to my wonderful beta reader MusicalsandMordred

Btw. you can always come to say hi to me on Tumblr or Insta

Chapter 1: Not Interested

Friday, May 26th, 11.34 pm

James: Hey.

Lily's number: What an extremely uninspired beginning of a conversation.

James: Wow. Harsh. What did poor hey ever do to you?

Lily's number: Bothered me on a Friday night when I was trying to work. 

James: So Remus gave me your number.

Lily's number: I highly doubt that.

James: How come? He said he expressly asked your permission. It’s not like he’s a creep giving out his friends’ numbers without their consent. Consent is important.

Lily's number: Thanks for the lesson. FYI, I don’t disagree. Just think it’s unlikely Remus gave you my number since the only Remus I’ve ever heard of is the mythological founder of Rome. He’s not in the habit of handing out phone numbers. Probably because he doesn’t have a clue what a phone is. Also, did I mention the whole mythological snag? That.

James: I’ll have you know Remus Lupin is very real and one of my closest friends.

Lily's number: Remus Lupin. Okay. Barty, is this your idea of a prank? I’m gonna murder you. I was in the middle of writing. 

James: Who’s Barty? 

Lily's number: My friend. Who has a human name and a terrible sense of humour.

James: Boring. But I’m not Barty. Did Remus not mention me?

Lily's number: Feel like I’m not getting through to you, so I’ll type slowly.

James: That makes no sense.

Lily's number: Now you understand my frustration. I. Don’t. Know. Any. Remus.

James: Wait. You're not Lily?

Lily's number: Glad we cleared that up.

James: Aw, shit, I’m sorry. Damn. Must’ve written it down wrong. The details are a bit fuzzy. We were in the pub, and Remus said, ‘It’s time for you to get out there again, and I’ve got the perfect woman for you.’ But we’d had a couple of shots by then, so. Fuzzy. 

Lily's number: Didn’t ask for your life story.

James: Not my life story. Just an explanation of how all this transpired.

Lily's number: Well, next time, double-check. Less disappointment and annoying busy strangers that way.

James: Nah.

Lily's number: Beg your pardon?

James: You can’t be that annoyed if you’re still talking to me.

…

James: So now you’re not? 

James: Hey. Sorry for bothering you. I’m James, by the way.

Lily's number: And I’m not interested.

James: Sure. 

Lily’s number: Why do you keep messaging me? I’m definitely not Lily. 

James: No kidding. Remus said she was lovely.

Lily’s number: Thanks. I try.

James: You’re welcome, beautiful mystery. 

Lily’s number: Presuming much? I’m not even a woman.

James: So? That doesn’t mean you can’t be beautiful. I bet you have a beautiful soul.

Lily’s number: I literally threw up in my mouth a little. Don’t tell me you planned to use those lines on poor Lily.

James: I might’ve. 

Lily’s number: For shame, James. Glad I saved her from this terrible fate.

James: What? It’s called being nice. Ever heard of it? Everyone likes compliments.

Lily’s number: It’s generic and trite. Compliments should be personal. What makes this woman exceptional in your eyes? Why does she make your heart beat faster when you see her? She deserves better than page two from ‘Dating for Dummies.’

James: Ouch, straight in my ego. Give me an example then, master of dating.

Lily’s number: Never said I was one.

James: Yeah, I figured. What with the whole ‘working on a Friday night’ and your attitude.

Lily’s number: If you don’t like my attitude, stop messaging :) Then at least I’ll get some work done.

James: Never said I didn’t like it. Then again, according to my friends, I have a masochistic streak.

Lily’s number: Figures. 

James: Lies and slander. You’ve known me for all of five minutes, you can’t judge.

Lily’s number: And yet I’m perfectly capable of forming an opinion about your personality.

James: I’m waiting.

Lily’s number: For? 

James: That example. If you had to. How would you compliment me? 

Lily’s number: You’re missing my point. I’d have to know you to be able to pay you an actual compliment. So far, I’ve learned you’re an over-texter with no filter and masochistic tendencies.

James: Try :) Consider it a challenge.

Lily’s number: Very well. Your ability to test the limits of my patience shines bright in the sea of unremarkable politeness.

James: Not sure if I’m flattered, offended, or aroused.

Lily’s number: And that would be my cue.

James: No, please continue. It was getting good.

Lily’s number: Didn’t mean to make this ‘good’ for you. Go to bed, James. Let me work in peace.

James: Tell me your name, and I’ll stop.

Lily’s number: Why would I do that? 

James: So I know what to save you under. Can’t have you in my phone as Lily. That’d be confusing.

Lily’s number: Then lose my number

James: But how would I text you again?

Lily’s number: Don’t bother. There won’t be a repeat. Ever. Consider it a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. 

James: Are you a human equivalent of a lightning bolt that can only speak to someone once? I enjoy talking to you. In a weird ‘how will he try to hurt me next’ way. So, I need to save your contact info, and if you don’t tell me your name, I’ll come up with a nickname for you. So far, it’s been a toss-up between Spike and Snarky.

Lily’s number: I like Spike. A much better choice than the pucker-faced Angel.

James: Be still, my beating heart. We agree on something. So. Last chance before you’re permanently lodged in my phone’s memory banks as Spike.

Lily’s number: Go ahead.

James: Mean.

Spike: How shall I sleep tonight? A random pain in the arse that contacted me out of nowhere thinks I’m mean!

James: I hear there are pills for that. Sleeping. Not for being mean. If they come up with those, you should volunteer as a test subject. 

Spike: I’ll take my chances with staying untreated.

James: Yeah, I guess that works. Part of your unique charm. Be a shame to lose that. Not everyone has to be nice. People confuse nice and good way too often.

Spike: Okay, that’s the second time we’ve agreed in ten minutes. Best not to push our luck. We should call it a night. Forever. Don’t message me again.

James: Fine. I’m gonna go hit the bed, but only because I’m exhausted, and I see two of my phones now. That can’t be right.

Spike: Take an aspirin and drink plenty of fluids.

James: Aw, I knew you cared. Talk soon, Spike.

Spike: Seriously. Don’t contact me anymore. I’m busy. Extremely busy. 

James: Good night. x

Spike: Fuck off.

 

——

 

Saturday, May 27th, 9.30 am

James: Hey, could you send Lily’s number again? Looks like I messed it up.

Remus: Sure thing. How do you reckon?

James: Unless Lily’s extremely vicious and acerbic and doesn’t appreciate my sense of humour at all, I messaged someone else.

Remus: Well, you wouldn’t want to get on her bad side, but otherwise, she’s the nicest person there is.

James: Yep, definitely not her. So, how’s Sirius? 

Remus: Passed out in the bathtub.

James: I told him to go easy on the tequila.

Remus: I’ll make sure he doesn’t choke on his own vomit.

James: The bastard’s really lucky to have you. Let’s hope he’ll get his head out of his arse one day.

Remus: After all these years, I doubt it, but thanks, James. Tell Lily I said hi.