Chapter 1: Before
Chapter Text
Buck isn’t sure what’s going on with him.
He isn’t even sure if anything is going on with him or if maybe he’s just making a big deal out of nothing. Just like he’s making a big deal out of Eddie not asking him to come over even once in the past week.
It’s fine. Eddie has a busy life and he’s a father and so what if that never used to affect how much they hung out together? It’s fine.
And Buck is fine.
Everybody has phases like this. Phases when everything starts to suddenly feel overwhelming and all you really want to do is crawl underneath your covers and never come out.
Buck’s had enough of those phases himself to know that they always pass eventually. To know that he can push through it.
He’s done it before and he can do it again and no one will ever even have to know.
Buck is going to be fine.
—
“Hey, do you and Chris maybe wanna come over for dinner today?” Buck asks Eddie when they’re standing next to each other by their lockers at the beginning of their shift, trying not to sound too eager. It’s a bit pathetic how badly he wants to spend time with Eddie outside of work, when really it’s only been a few days since they’ve done just that.
He knows Eddie’s answer the moment the other man faces him, an apologetic look on his face.
“Sorry, Buck,” he says with a gentle smile. “I can have Carla drop off Chris but I’ll be busy.”
“Right,” Buck says, forcing a smile that he hopes looks somewhat convincing. “Yeah, no problem, man. You can text Carla.”
Eddie gives him a small nod and smiles at him once more and then Buck’s alone in the locker room and he really needs to stop being so dramatic because there’s really no good reason why Eddie being too busy for him should make him feel like bursting into tears.
Pathetic. He’s an adult, for God’s sake. He knows as well as anyone how busy life gets sometimes.
And so what if Eddie hasn’t told him anything about what he’s so busy with?
It’s fine.
It’s all fine.
—
Eddie approaches him about an hour later, the same apologetic look from earlier on his face and for some reason it makes Buck feel sick.
“Chris was invited to a sleepover tonight,” Eddie tells him. “And he really wants to go. Sorry.”
Buck waves him off with a short laugh that really shouldn’t feel so fake. Chris should get to have his fun and Buck hates himself for the sinking feeling he gets in his gut at the thought of not spending the evening with him like he planned. It’s selfish.
You’re so selfish.
It’s a thought that repeats itself in his mind when he goes home to his loft that night. When he falls into his bed and stares at his ceiling for what must be hours.
The emptiness of his loft feels smothering and he briefly considers asking Bobby, Maddie, Hen, or anyone, really, for company but reaching for his phone feels like too draining a task and they’re probably all busy with their own lives anyway.
So he just lies there and lets the loneliness wash over him and drag him down until he feels like he might just disappear into his mattress and he refuses to think about why the image of vanishing feels so comforting to him.
—
Buck becomes increasingly aware that he is not, in fact, fine.
He’s been on a downward spiral for a while now and he doesn’t know why or where it’s coming from but he knows it’s happening and that it’s getting worse.
He does a good job at acting like he’s alright, he thinks, although it takes up every last bit of his remaining energy. But he doesn’t want to worry anyone and he doesn’t want to burden them so he laughs and he jokes and he talks and it doesn’t appear that anybody notices something’s off with him.
But when he gets home, his loft empty as always, it all comes crashing down on him. All the thoughts and feelings he was holding at bay on shift. He’s too tired to fight them anymore.
That’s what every day has looked like for Buck the past two weeks: he pretends, he goes home and he lets himself drown.
Eddie is still avoiding him. By now, Buck is pretty sure that’s what he’s doing, though he doesn’t know why. Maybe Eddie’s finally had enough of him.
Buck’s too tired to confront him.
Maddie called him one evening and it felt like a flicker of light. He picked up the phone eagerly, because she thought of him. She wanted to spend time with him.
He made sure to sound enthusiastic when she asked him to babysit Jee so she could have a date night with Chimney.
At least the apartment wasn’t so empty that night. Even if only because of a child that couldn’t leave even if she wanted to.
—
Buck hasn’t heard from Hen for a while. Not outside of work, anyway.
And he doesn’t blame her. Really, he doesn’t.
She has a daughter now and Buck can only imagine how hectic things must be at home. So it’s fine. Of course it’s fine.
But he feels her absence. And he feels Eddie’s absence. And Chris is growing up and spending more and more time with his friends and Maddie and Chimney are busy with Jee-Yun and the house and each other, and Bobby is sponsoring people that actually need help and a bunch of people have been calling in sick to work and everyone can see that finding someone to cover everyone’s shifts is stressing him out, so Buck figures Bobby appreciates his alone time and he certainly doesn’t need it corrupted by Buck.
None of them do.
Distantly, he’s aware that he’s spiraling. He’s aware that he’s probably depressed and should most definitely go back to therapy or at least tell someone but he just can’t bring himself to do it.
Because you’re exhausting, he hears Eddie’s voice in his head. We all have our own problems but you don’t see us whining about it. Somehow we just manage to suck it up. Why can’t you?
And why can’t he?
Why can’t he stop feeling like this? Push through it? Suck it up?
Pathetic. He’s so pathetic it makes him sick. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, really, that he’s alone. That Eddie is pulling away from him. That no one has called or visited or invited him over. Why would they? So he can spew bouts of information at them that nobody cares about? So he can be too loud? Too much?
He’s always been too much. The sky is blue and Evan Buckley is too much. It’s a fact of life. Always has been.
He was never even supposed to exist in the first place. His parents would’ve never had a third child if Daniel hadn’t gotten sick.
It probably would’ve been better that way. He only ever brought his parents misery. A cruel reminder of the son they actually wanted.
And now it seems no one wants him. And it’s okay. He understands. The selfishness of feeling left behind, as if he has any claim on people’s time, is only proof that he has it coming.
And then suddenly he thinks: you should kill yourself. And he pauses, eyes wide with the realization of how far into the spiral he’s let himself fall.
His breath hitches and the air feels thin all of a sudden.
Buck doesn’t want to die. He doesn’t want to kill himself.
But now he’s thinking about it. He’s thinking about how easy it would be. He could go right downstairs, grab a knife and be done with it all.
It’s the first time he’s felt something akin to peace in weeks but the feeling is quickly replaced with fear.
Buck doesn’t want to kill himself.
Except right now he does. And it’s terrifying.
He’s getting up and running downstairs before he even realizes he’s doing it. All he knows is that he can’t be alone right now - he’s too afraid of what he might do.
Next thing he knows, he’s in his car and driving towards Bobby’s house. With the state he’s in, he probably should’ve called an uber instead but it’s too late now.
It feels like he makes it to Bobby’s in the blink of an eye. He knows that’s bad. Means he’s probably dissociating a bit.
But he’s here now, so it doesn’t matter.
He stands in front of the door for a few minutes, trying to pull himself together. He doesn’t want Bobby to be too worried about him.
Eventually he deems himself presentable enough and rings the doorbell and a few seconds later the door is swung open and he comes face to face with Bobby. He looks surprised to see him but immediately smiles at him.
Like Buck showing up is a pleasant surprise and not a bother.
“Buck,” Bobby says, still smiling at him, though there’s also a bit of confusion in his expression. “Is everything okay?”
“Uh, yeah,” Buck replies, clearing his throat when the words sound raspy. “Just got…bored all alone. Figured I’d just drop by.”
He laughs nervously and Bobby opens the door wider.
“Well, come on in,” he tells him. “You can join us for dinner.”
Buck already feels more calm at the thought of spending some time with Bobby and Athena. It’ll be good for him, he knows. Maybe he can even build up the courage to tell them he’s been struggling.
But when they get to the dining room, Buck freezes.
Because it’s not just Athena. It’s also Harry and May.
They’re smiling at him warmly, like they don’t mind that he’s here.
They don’t mind.
And that’s when it hits him that that’s as good as it’s ever gonna get: people not minding him being there - but it also wouldn’t make much of a difference if he wasn’t.
Maybe Bobby is glad to see him but at the end of the day, if Buck hadn’t come by, Bobby would’ve had a family dinner with his wife and his kids and it wouldn’t have felt like anyone was missing from the table.
Buck is never missing from any table.
Not Maddie, Chimney and Jee-Yun’s. Not Hen, Karen, Mara and Denny’s. Not Eddie and Christopher’s.
Not this one.
“Uh, sorry,” Buck says awkwardly, trying to cover up his emotions as best as possible. “I didn’t mean to interrupt family dinner.”
“You are family,” Bobby says with a friendly clap on Buck’s shoulder.
But he’s not, really. He’s nothing but an add-on. He’s not actually a part of it.
Buck swallows.
“Actually, I, uh…” he starts, failing to come up with a good reason to leave. “I just remembered I still have some stuff I gotta do. I should…”
Instead of finishing his sentence he just points behind him with his thumb and gives everyone a strained smile.
Bobby furrows his brow, clearly confused about Buck’s sudden change of heart.
“Buck, you really can stay,” he says earnestly.
Can. He can stay. Because no one minds him. Except maybe Eddie now, for whatever reason.
“Thanks, but I really have to go,” he says and before anyone can protest he’s already making his way to his car and he pretends he doesn’t hear Bobby calling after him and within the blink of an eye he’s back at his loft and he’s staring at the ceiling again, feeling more alone than he ever has before.
—-
Bobby calls him into his office the next day.
Buck decides to play dumb. Like he doesn’t know exactly what it’s about.
“What’s going on, Cap?” he says with a casual smile as he sits down across from Bobby. “Everything alright?”
Bobby silently studies him for a moment. It makes Buck feel small.
“I was going to ask you that, actually,” his captain says with a tilt of his head and Buck laughs awkwardly in response.
“What, because of yesterday?”
Bobby nods slightly.
“You left in quite the hurry.”
“I told you,” Buck replies, trying not to show the tension he’s feeling. “I had stuff to do.”
“You said you came by because you were bored, Buck.”
“Well, I forgot about some stuff I had to do,” he shrugs but his heart feels like it’s beating way too fast.
“What was so important that you immediately had to leave?”
Breathe in. Breathe out.
“What is this, an interrogation?” he snaps and Bobby raises his eyebrows.
“Of course not,” he answers calmly. “I’m just worried about you, Buck.”
“I’m fine,” Buck insists, still a sharp edge to his voice. “And it’s not like I’ve been screwing up on the job or something, so what’s the problem?”
“This isn’t about the job, Buck,” Bobby replies patiently. “I’m not asking as your captain, I’m asking as your friend.”
The word “friend” stings somehow, coming from Bobby.
“I’m fine,” Buck says again.
Bobby nods but it’s clear he doesn’t really believe him.
“Well, if you ever aren’t,” he says. “You can always come to me, alright? For anything you need.”
The words are kind. Incredibly so. But they feel like bullets on Buck’s skin.
Because of course he can go to Bobby. Can, can, can.
‘For anything you need.'
What if what Buck needs is to be needed? He feels everyone’s absence like a missing limb. Is his absence ever going to feel that way to anybody?
“Thanks, Cap,” he says and leaves the room.
—
Buck has been talking to the team on shift, of course. And they’ve been talking to him.
Well, Eddie has been spending more and more time with Chimney - time that he used to spend with Buck. But it’s not like he ignores him or anything. Though he never actively seeks Buck out anymore either.
Buck can imagine exactly how he would be reacting to that if he were feeling like his normal self.
He’d be like a dog. Following Eddie around, begging him for scraps of his attention. He would try to show him that he can be good. That he’s worth the trouble even though that’s probably not true.
But he’s too tired to beg for anything.
“Hey man,” a voice pulls him out of his thoughts and he turns his head to see Eddie sitting down next to him on the locker room bench.
Why is Eddie talking to him?
And when did that become something so unusual?
“Are you doing alright?” Eddie asks him with a slight frown and Buck swallows, going back to tying his shoes so he doesn’t have to look at Eddie.
“Of course,” he says simply. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know,” Eddie replies and Buck can feel his eyes on him. “You’ve been quiet lately.”
Buck freezes in his movements for a fraction of a second. He thought that apart from the whole dinner at Bobby’s fiasco he’s been doing a pretty good job at acting like his normal self in front of everyone.
And how has Eddie of all people noticed that something is up with him? It’s not like he pays him any attention anymore.
“Isn’t that a good thing?” Buck scoffs and sees Eddie recoil slightly out of the corner of his eye.
“What?” Eddie asks sharply, as if Buck’s suggestion is outrageous. “Of course not, Buck.”
Then, after a short pause: “Seriously, are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Buck says through gritted teeth and suddenly has the horrifying realization that he’s gritting his teeth because he’s trying not to cry and isn’t that pathetic? He’s about to cry because Eddie is talking to him. Because Eddie is sitting close to him and Buck has missed him so fucking much.
He wants to scream at him. To tell him that no, he’s not fucking okay and he doesn’t know what’s happening to him but he knows it would be easier to handle if Eddie still treated him like he’s important to him and if Chris was still little and needed his Buck and if he entered Maddie and Chimney’s mind as more than just a babysitter and if he could be Bobby’s child the way May and Harry are, and, and, and.
But he doesn’t say or scream any of that.
“What do you even care?” is what he does say, but the words lack any venom. They just sound dejected. “It’s not like we talk anymore.”
He hears Eddie suck in a sharp breath.
“Buck-”
“It’s fine, Eddie,” he says as he finishes packing up the last of his things and gets up to leave, still not looking at the other man. “See you tomorrow.”
With that, he walks out of the station and to his truck.
Eddie doesn’t follow him.
—
When he makes it to his loft, for the first time in weeks, Buck doesn’t go straight to his bed.
Instead he just stands there, near his front door, his keys still in his hand. And he stares.
He stares at his big, empty apartment. At the dining table that has several chairs, but for who?
He takes a few steps forward as if on autopilot so he can see around the corner and he stares at the couch he picked out with Natalia. It’s a big couch. Too big for just him. Even if he laid his entire body down on it there would still be empty spaces to fill.
Then he walks up the stairs and he stares at his bed and he thinks about all the hours he has spent just lying in it and staring at his ceiling the way he’s staring at everything else right now.
He’s so sick of staring at that ceiling.
He’s sick of that bed, of this apartment and he’s sick of waking up every day and feeling nothing until sometimes for a moment it feels like someone’s stabbed him in the heart, only to go right back to feeling nothing again.
He doesn’t want it anymore.
He doesn’t want any of this anymore.
And the moment that thought enters his brain, he feels relief wash over him. The same relief he felt before he went to Bobby’s, only this time the feeling isn’t followed by fear.
So he drops his keys, simply letting them fall to the floor because it doesn’t matter anymore. And then he walks into his bathroom and he draws a bath, turning the water off before it overflows because somebody would have to clean it up and he’d like to not be as much of a burden in death as he’s been in life.
He gets a razor and takes out the blade and then he gets in the water, his clothes still on because he can’t be bothered to take them off and it doesn’t matter anyway.
And Buck has heard stories of people who survived a suicide attempt and how when they realized what they had done, many of them felt panic and regret and wanted to take it back.
But as he watches the water around him turn red, he doesn’t feel any of that.
So he closes his eyes and leans his head back against the wall and thinks to himself: Breathe in. Breathe out.
For the last time, soon.
And then finally he slips out of consciousness and he’s not thinking anything anymore.
And he doesn’t hear the knocks on his door. Or the sound of a key turning in the lock.
He doesn’t hear the sound of somebody calling his name. Of somebody walking up the stairs. Of the bathroom door being opened.
And he doesn’t hear the panicked cries, or the desperate sobs or the whispered “I’m so sorry”s.
Chapter 2: After
Notes:
yeahh i upped the chapter count, sorry. chapter three will be focusing on buck's recovery.
thank you to @/peachesanddandelions on tumblr for beta reading!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Eddie knows he’s been a bad friend to Buck lately.
He’s been feeling guilty about pulling away from Buck since the moment he started doing it but he’s been too much of a coward to stop. Despite the fact that it’s been making him miserable.
God, how he misses him.
But he was prepared to suck it up in hopes that maybe after some space, he could get his recently realized feelings under control and they could have a normal friendship again.
What he wasn’t prepared for was the dejected look on Buck’s face when they talked in the locker room, although he probably should’ve been. He knows Buck. Knows all about his abandonment issues. Of course Eddie pulling away would affect him.
But then, somehow, it didn’t seem like it did.
Buck just kept acting like everything was normal. And Eddie kept expecting him to confront him, to ask him what the hell is going on, but he never did. And so Eddie started spiraling; wondering if maybe Buck had picked up on his feelings and not confronting Eddie was his silent way of agreeing with him that they needed space until Eddie got those feelings under control.
So far there hasn’t been any progress in that department.
Even when he wasn’t talking to Buck, he could never stop looking at him. In the past few weeks, Eddie’s eyes have actively scanned the room for Buck more often than they did in the entire time they’ve known each other. Because usually, Buck was always there. Right by Eddie’s side. He never had to look for him.
But now he feels like that’s all he does.
Watching Buck laugh across the room made him feel like a drug addict getting his fix.
But then, about a week ago, he noticed he was starting to see Buck laugh less and less. Instead, sometimes he would catch his smile slowly fade from his face when he thought no one was looking.
He wanted to say something the moment he first noticed it. But as has been established, he’s a coward. And besides, he reasoned, Buck has other people. He’s not alone.
So he didn’t say anything for a while until eventually, watching Buck’s facade crumble time and time again became too much to bear.
So at the end of their shift, when Buck was the only one still in the locker room, Eddie sat down next to him and finally asked if he was alright.
And sitting so close to him, he finally saw the bone-deep exhaustion Buck seemed to be carrying with him. And he wished desperately that he had been there sooner so Buck wouldn’t have had to carry it alone all this time.
When Buck leaves, Eddie doesn’t follow him. Not at first.
At first he simply sits there, and he thinks about the look on Buck’s face when he said that they don’t talk anymore and about how he let this happen.
And he doesn’t know what he’s going to do about his feelings yet but he does know that he can’t let this continue, feelings and heartbreak be damned. Because there’s no greater heartbreak than seeing Buck the way he just did.
So eventually he gets up and he gets into his car and for the first time in weeks, he makes his way to Buck’s apartment.
—
It takes Eddie a moment to build up the nerve to knock on Buck’s door but eventually he does.
He listens for any sign that Buck is in the apartment but hears nothing.
He tries knocking again, also calling Buck’s name this time but still, there are no sounds coming from the other side of the door.
Maybe Buck went out. But then again, maybe he’s just pretending he’s not home so he doesn’t have to talk to Eddie.
And, look, that’s fair. Eddie hardly has any right to demand Buck speak to him now after he spent weeks practically ignoring him. But earlier, Buck looked absolutely terrible and Eddie is worried, so he takes his keys out of his pocket and unlocks the door, invasion of privacy be damned.
He takes a cautious step inside, calling out Buck’s name again and looks around the seemingly empty apartment. Then he goes up to the loft, expecting to maybe find Buck sleeping but the bed is empty. So that only leaves the bathroom.
Eddie could check. But if Buck is in the bathroom, that means he heard Eddie calling out for him and Eddie figures forcing his way into Buck’s bathroom against his wishes would be crossing one too many lines.
And anyway, by the looks of it, it seems Buck probably isn’t here anyway.
With a sigh, Eddie turns to leave but when he does, his foot catches on something and he looks down. And then he pauses.
Because in front of his foot, lying in the middle of the loft, are Buck’s keys.
Buck’s keys, that he never leaves his apartment without. Buck’s keys, that have their place in a bowl downstairs where Buck always, always puts them.
And contrary to popular belief, Buck is actually a pretty tidy guy.
Eddie draws in a shaky breath, suddenly aware of the dread twisting in his gut.
Then he looks back up at the bathroom door and, before he’s even really aware he’s doing it, he’s pushing down the door handle.
A small part of him still expects the bathroom to be empty. Or maybe that part is just hope. Because he knows, somehow, that if Buck is in there, that means something bad has happened. He just knows.
But the bathroom isn’t empty.
Eddie always thought, or maybe hoped, that seeing Buck die on that ladder was the worst thing he would ever see.
It wasn’t.
Buck is lying in his bathtub, his clothed body almost fully submerged in water that’s tinted red with his blood and Eddie knows this is it. This is the worst thing he will ever see.
With a choked off gasp, Eddie falls to his knees in front of the bathtub and puts his fingers on Buck’s neck, almost sobbing in relief when he feels a weak pulse.
He scrambles for his phone and dials 9-1-1, putting them on speaker so both of his hands are free. He reaches into the water — into Buck’s blood — and puts his arms underneath him so he can lift him out while he tells the dispatcher all the needed information.
Eddie is crying, he’s pretty sure. He feels like he’s outside of his body.
He puts Buck down on the tiles as gently as he can before quickly getting the first aid kit out of the cabinet.
He’s treated wounds much worse than this but it’s different, seeing them on Buck. It’s different, knowing Buck himself made those cuts on his wrists.
Eddie wants to throw up. He wants to scream, he wants to sob, he wants to beg, but there’s no time.
Until suddenly there is. Until suddenly, Eddie is thinking about the next step in treating Buck’s injuries and realizes there isn’t one. Not until he makes it to the hospital.
The realization makes him freeze in his movements as he stares down at Buck’s motionless body with wide eyes.
There is nothing else he can do. He just has to wait here while Buck is dying in front of him.
And then he does scream. He screams Buck’s name as he tries to shake him awake, knowing it’s utterly useless.
And he sobs.
And he begs.
He begs Buck to wake up, to hang on, to please not do this to him. He begs the universe not to let this happen.
And he tells Buck that he’s sorry. Over and over again, because he has never regretted anything more in his entire life than the weeks leading up to this moment.
He’s still apologizing when he feels hands on him, pulling him away from Buck and he wants to protest on instinct before he realizes that this means Buck is going to hospital now. Buck has a chance.
So he pulls himself together and gets up, making room for the people that aren’t currently losing their minds, so they can transport Buck. And he follows Buck downstairs and into the ambulance as well as out of it, until the doctors wheel him away and he can follow no further.
—
Buck’s blood is on Eddie’s hands.
He’s not sure how long he’s been staring at them. He feels like he’s floating somewhere outside of his body again.
“Eddie.”
He slowly raises his head in the direction the voice came from and sees that it’s Bobby.
Why is Bobby here?
“You called me, Eddie,” Bobby says and he distantly realizes he must have asked the question out loud.
He doesn’t remember calling Bobby.
“You told me what happened with Buck,” Bobby says, his voice cracking ever so slightly at the end.
Eddie nods because if Bobby says he called him then he must have.
He looks back down at his hands.
“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” his captain tells him and then he’s helping him up and Eddie is being led to a bathroom where Bobby wordlessly washes off the red.
When Eddie looks him in the eyes, he sees his own sorrow reflected back at him.
Bobby puts his hand on Eddie’s shoulder and squeezes it before leading him back outside to the waiting area.
And then they wait, and wait, and wait.
—
Eddie isn’t sure how long they wait but it feels like an eternity.
At some point, he starts slowly coming back to himself. Becoming more aware of his surroundings, his body, his mind.
He’s not sure which state of being he prefers.
A little while later, Maddie shows up, anguish written all over her face as she walks into the waiting room with red eyes. Chimney isn’t with her. He probably stayed at home to look after Jee-Yun, since it’s gotten pretty late.
And Eddie realizes something.
“Fuck,” he curses loudly enough that a few strangers turn to look at him but he pays them no mind and quickly gets his phone out of his pocket, cursing once again when he sees several text notifications and missed calls from Carla.
Not offering anyone an explanation, he hastily leaves the waiting area in hopes of finding a place with some more privacy while he taps on Carla’s contact.
“Eddie, thank God,” she answers his call immediately, sounding relieved but still distressed and Eddie feels even more guilty than he did just a minute ago. “Where on earth have you been?”
“I’m so sorry, Carla,” he says and he means it. Carla was meant to go home hours ago and he can imagine the kind of worst case scenarios that must have run through her head when Eddie didn’t come home.
He’s not sure this scenario is any better.
“Is Chris okay?” he asks, his voice raspy.
“He’s asleep,” Carla tells him. “I told him you were working late unexpectedly. I didn’t want to worry him until I knew what happened.”
Eddie breathes a sigh of relief.
“Thank you so much.”
“So what happened, Eddie?” Carla asks after a short pause. “I know you wouldn’t just forget about your son for no reason, so it must have been something bad.”
He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, willing away the images of the bathtub trying to make their way to the forefront of his mind.
He doesn’t know how to say it out loud.
He must have explained it to Bobby earlier but he doesn’t remember that phone call and now it feels like the words are stuck in his throat.
He wants to deliver the news as gently as possible but he can’t. If he doesn’t keep his answer as short as he can, he’s sure he’ll break down again.
“Buck tried to kill himself,” he says and hears a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line. “And I found him.”
“Is he alright?” Carla asks frantically and Eddie has to look up at the ceiling, trying to blink away his tears.
“I don’t know,” he replies, his voice sounding as unsteady as he feels. “He’s in hospital. They haven’t told us anything yet.”
Eddie runs a hand over his face.
“Look, Carla, I hate to ask this of you but is there any way you could watch Chris overnight? Or drop him off with somebody I know?”
He knows it’s a lot to ask. Carla has already worked overtime today and now he’s asking her to work even more. And he feels terrible about it but not as terrible as he would feel if he had to leave the hospital without knowing if Buck’s okay.
“Of course I can, Eddie, don’t even worry about it,” Carla says earnestly without hesitation. “I’m free all night and all day tomorrow. You just stay with Buck and let me know if there’s any updates, alright?”
Eddie nods before remembering Carla can’t see him.
“Yeah,” he chokes out, more tears dangerously close to falling. “Thank you, Carla. So much."
Once the phone call is over, Eddie makes his way back to the waiting area where he sees Hen has joined the others.
And then Maddie spots him and gets out of her seat to walk towards him.
She looks terrible — heartache etched into every one of her features and she’s clearly been crying.
For a moment she just looks at him but then she steps forward, pulling him into an embrace. He’s a bit startled at first but quickly returns the hug.
He barely knows Maddie. It should feel weird to suddenly be hugging her but it doesn’t. Because this hug isn’t about them. It’s about Buck.
It’s a way of saying: I know. I know what you’re feeling because I love him, too.
It’s what Bobby’s eyes told him in the bathroom earlier.
It’s what Hen’s hand tells him as she gently puts it over his and squeezes.
They all love Buck differently but they all love him deeply.
And as they wait some more, Eddie wonders if Buck knows it.
—
“Family of Evan Buckley?”
When they finally hear those words, everybody’s heads snap up immediately, followed by them leaping out of their chairs to surround the doctor who gives them a compassionate smile.
“I’m his sister, Maddie Buckley,” Maddie tells the doctor quickly, sounding out of breath. “But they can all stay.”
She gestures towards the others and the doctor, whose name tag reads Dr. Matthews, looks at them for a moment before nodding.
“Mr. Buckley lost a lot of blood,” she starts and Eddie feels sick. “But thanks to how quickly he received first aid, we were able to stabilize him.”
It feels like a ten ton weight has been lifted from Eddie’s chest. Everyone else breathes a sigh of relief, too. Maddie starts crying again, but good tears this time.
“He’s awake and talking,” Dr. Matthews continues. “He’s currently being assessed by one of our mental health professionals.”
“So he’ll be okay?” Maddie asks shakily, needing to hear the confirmation. Dr. Matthews nods with a gentle smile.
“Physically he’s going to be okay, yes. And we will do everything we can to make sure something like this doesn’t happen again.”
Eddie feels nauseous at the idea that there’s a chance Buck might try again but he’s quickly overcome with determination.
He will not let this happen again. None of them will.
“Somebody will be with you shortly to ask you some questions about Mr. Buckley and his mental status,” she says and everybody nods. Eddie does too, even though he wonders how much help he can be with that, seeing as he’s barely spoken to Buck lately.
But as it turns out, he’s not the only one.
Hen tells the staff member that she’s only seen Buck at work lately and he always seemed okay. Maddie admits through tears that she hasn’t spoken to Buck in a while except to ask him to babysit. Eddie can see how much the guilt of that is gnawing at her.
Eddie shamefully admits that he’s been distant, too but that recently he’s noticed Buck’s smile slipping away whenever he thinks no one’s looking. Nobody asks him why he was looking at Buck so much.
He also describes their locker room conversation. The dejection on Buck’s face. How exhausted he looked.
Bobby tells them about yesterday evening, when Buck came by unannounced and then ran away without a real explanation. And about how he called Buck into his office this morning because he was worried about him, even though until yesterday he hadn’t noticed anything was wrong.
“I should’ve insisted that he talk to me,” Bobby says with a frown. “Or talk to someone.”
“It’s not your fault, Bobby,” Hen says gently and Eddie nods along, though he’s more focused on his own guilt right now.
The others were busy. They didn’t know that something was wrong.
But Eddie pulled away from Buck on purpose. And when he saw Buck’s mask slipping those first few times, he said nothing.
Would this have happened if he had? Or would it have happened sooner? Was their conversation what finally triggered Buck to do what he did?
No matter which way you look at it, it’s Eddie’s fault. He knows that. And he’ll have to live with that knowledge forever.
—
Eventually, they get permission for one of them to go to see Buck.
They all want to, of course, but there seems to be a silent agreement that Maddie will go first. She’s his sister, after all.
And she looks like she wants to, desperately. She looks in the direction of Buck’s room almost wistfully but just as he thinks she’s going to start walking towards the door, she turns to look at Eddie instead.
“You should go first, Eddie,” she says, surprising him.
“What?” he asks, furrowing his brow. “But you’re his sister.”
Maddie nods.
“And I want to see him. So badly,” she says, still looking sad. “But I know I’d want it even more badly if I’d seen him like that. How you found him.”
Eddie swallows, the images of it flashing before his eyes once again, and nods.
His eyes are starting to burn again and he wonders how he even still has any tears left.
“So you should go first,” Maddie continues. “Because you shouldn’t go on one minute longer with that being the last image of Buck you have in your mind.”
For a moment, Eddie just looks at her in silence, with no idea what to say.
Then he steps forward and pulls her close. She hugs him back tightly.
“Thank you,” he whispers and feels her nod.
And then he pulls away from her, takes a deep breath and starts walking towards Buck’s room.
—
When Buck first woke up a while ago, his first thought was that he failed. And he remembers thinking: That tracks. Because of course he’s not even capable of killing himself right.
He doesn’t even know how he got here. Somebody must have found him. Fucking figures that today would be the one day somebody finally comes by his apartment, because that’s just his stupid luck.
There’s a woman he doesn’t know sitting in a chair near his hospital bed. She’s reading a book and when she notices he’s awake she merely looks up for a moment and gives him a polite smile as well as a nod of acknowledgement before turning her focus on the book again.
She must be here to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself again.
Sometime later, another stranger walks in, introducing himself as Dr. Hartley and the woman leaves.
Dr. Hartley is a middle-aged man with a kind face and Buck feels a little bad that he’s too exhausted to be polite right now.
Buck doesn’t greet him or smile at him and he only answers the questions he knows he has to.
Questions like what led him to do what he did. How he’s been feeling lately and how he’s feeling right now. If he thinks he might try again.
By the end of it, he feels even more drained than before.
Dr. Hartley leaves and the woman comes back and keeps reading her book, so Buck just lies there in silence, staring at the ceiling and it almost makes him laugh bitterly because he’s picking up right where he left off.
He’s not sure how much time passes until the door opens again. He expects it to be another staff member but when he turns his head, he sees that it’s Eddie.
Buck’s breath catches in his throat and it looks like Eddie’s does the same.
For a moment he just stands there, staring at Buck from afar as if he can’t believe he’s really here.
Eddie looks terrible, to put it mildly.
At the sound of the woman getting out of the chair, Eddie’s gaze snaps towards her, seemingly noticing her for the first time. Then he’s looking at Buck again and once they’re alone, he takes a deep breath and finally walks towards the bed, where he takes a chair and sits down.
Eddie doesn’t look at him at first, hanging his head low and instead staring at his hands folded in his lap.
He takes another deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment.
“I’m sorry, Buck,” he says eventually, his voice sounding strangled, like he’s trying to keep from crying. Then he finally raises his head and looks Buck in the eyes again.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” he continues, pain written all over his face. “I’m sorry I waited so long to follow you when you left the firehouse.”
Buck furrows his brow.
“You followed me?”
Eddie nods with a sad smile.
“I found you,” he explains after a moment and Buck’s guts churn.
Eddie found him. Eddie saw him in that bathtub.
Eddie saved him.
“I’m sorry,” Buck says quietly, his voice raspy. “That you saw that.”
Eddie just nods and they’re silent again for a few moments.
“You don’t have to stay, you know?” Buck says after a while and Eddie frowns. “You can go home. I mean I’m surrounded by doctors.” Buck laughs humorlessly. “So I’ll be fine.”
“Buck, I’m not just going to go home,” Eddie tells him, still frowning, like Buck is suggesting something outrageous.
“Look, Eddie,” he says with a heavy sigh. “I know you feel guilty or whatever but you don’t have to. I mean you saved my life, so, you know. Job done.”
Eddie shakes his head at him in disbelief.
“You’re not a job, Buck,” he says and clenches his jaw. When Buck doesn’t respond, Eddie’s expression softens and he runs a tired hand over his face.
“Look, I haven’t been a very good friend to you lately,” he admits and then huffs out a bitter laugh. “If we’re being honest, I haven’t been much of a friend to you at all.”
“It’s fine, Eddie.”
“No, it’s not,” he says firmly, his tone leaving no room for discussion. “I knew you were struggling, Buck. I had no idea it was this bad but…” He shakes his head and looks down. “I still should’ve said something sooner.”
Buck sighs tiredly.
“Look, Eddie, I know you don’t want me to get hurt, alright?” he says. “But I survived and…I’m not gonna try again, okay? So…you really can go home.”
Eddie stares at him. Buck tries to read his expression. For some reason, he almost looks devastated.
And then, to Buck’s horror and surprise, Eddie starts crying. Silent tears run down his face and he makes no effort to wipe them away, staring at the wall across from him as if lost in thought.
“Eddie-”
“Buck,” he interrupts, turning his gaze towards the other man again. And now, Buck thinks, he really does look devastated. “You’re my best friend.”
For a moment, Buck feels warmth spreading in his chest at those words but it passes quickly and is replaced by dread. It’s a nice thing to hear but…it just doesn’t feel true anymore.
“I know I’ve been doing a shitty job at showing it, alright?” Eddie continues, his voice shaky. “But you are. You always will be. And I need you in my life, and the fact that you think I’d just go home right now…”
He trails off and shakes his head. Another sigh.
“You don’t owe me anything,” Buck says quietly.
“Of course I do.”
“Eddie, you don’t have to be here just because you feel like you have some kind of debt to pay,” Buck tells him, averting his eyes.
“That’s not what I-” Eddie starts before he makes a frustrated noise and buries his face in his hands for a moment. It reminds Buck of how his parents used to get frustrated with him. It makes him feel small.
Eddie’s eyes are on him again and he seems to pick up on Buck’s emotions because suddenly all the frustration is gone and Eddie is looking at him softly.
“I’m sorry,” he says gently. “I’m not frustrated with you. Just myself. Okay?”
Buck swallows. After a moment, he nods.
“I just meant that…you’re my best friend, and I lo- I care about you,” Eddie continues, almost able to brush over his slip up but Buck catches it. He tries not to dwell on why Eddie won’t even say he loves him when he’s supposedly his best friend. “And I never should’ve let you doubt how important you are to me. And I owe it to you to make sure you never have to doubt it again, okay?”
Buck wants to believe him so badly. And it’s not that Eddie doesn’t sound genuine - he does.
It’s that Eddie admitted he was pulling away from Buck. It’s that Eddie stopped himself from saying he loves him. It’s that Eddie is here now that he’s hurt when he wasn’t there for weeks before that.
He feels like a little kid again, trapped with his parents who made him feel invisible and only ever saw him when he was hurt. Who didn’t want him to die, but whose love never went any further than that.
“I understand if you don’t really believe me right now,” Eddie says earnestly. “That’s on me. But I’ll prove it to you.”
He covers Buck’s hand with his own and Buck has to stifle an embarrassing gasp at the action.
“For as long as you’ll have me, I’ll never leave you again, Buck,” Eddie tells him, lightly squeezing his hand. “I promise.”
Buck looks at Eddie’s hands above his.
He’s missed him so much. Maybe it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t really believe in Eddie’s words. Or, more accurately, that they come from any place other than guilt.
He can pretend. He’s good at that.
He can pretend that Eddie is here because he truly wants to be and not simply because he feels like he has to be. He can pretend Eddie isn’t only saying these things because he’s afraid Buck might hurt himself again.
So that’s what he does.
“Okay,” he says and Eddie smiles and squeezes his hand once more.
—
Eddie wants to stay by Buck’s bedside as long as he possibly can, but he knows that would be selfish. The hospital only allows one visitor at a time and he knows the others want to see Buck, too.
He tells Buck as much, who frowns slightly in response.
“All of you are here?” he asks, as if he can’t quite believe it. It breaks Eddie’s fractured heart a little more.
“Of course we are, Buck,” he says softly. Then he adds: “Well, Chimney is at home with Jee. But Maddie said he’s trying to find a sitter so he can make it here as well. And Athena was working, so Bobby couldn’t reach her for a bit but she should be on her way by now, too.”
Buck is quiet. He looks away from Eddie and stares at the hospital blanket, lost in thought and still furrowing his brow.
“Sorry I made everyone come here,” Buck mumbles eventually and Eddie stifles a frustrated sigh, not wanting Buck to think he’s frustrated with him again.
And of course Eddie is frustrated, but not with Buck. With the situation, maybe. With himself and everyone else for making Buck feel so unimportant and unloved.
“You didn’t make anyone do anything, Buck,” Eddie tells him instead. “We’re here because we want to be, alright?”
Buck still isn’t looking at him and he doesn’t say anything for a bit but eventually he nods.
It’s not very convincing.
“So do you wanna see them?” he asks carefully.
Buck looks unsure.
“I guess,” he says a few seconds later. “But I don’t wanna do a lot more talking today, so.”
He looks back up at Eddie.
“Can you tell them I wanna see them but…to save the worried conversations for another day?”
Eddie nods. Buck does look exhausted and between the mental health assessment and his talk with Eddie, it makes sense that he’s had enough of serious conversations for the day.
“Yeah, I’ll tell them,” he promises. Then he asks: “Want me to get your sister?” and Buck nods.
So despite how badly Eddie wants to stay by Buck’s side, he tells him he’ll see him later and goes to find Maddie.
—
“How is he?” Maddie asks the moment she spots Eddie, getting out of her seat to stand in front of him. A short moment later, Bobby and Hen get up as well, looking at Eddie with concerned, questioning eyes.
He opens his mouth to answer but quickly realizes he doesn’t actually know how to answer.
“He’s…exhausted,” is what he settles on eventually, unable to come up with more. “He wants to see all of you but he isn’t up for any more difficult conversations today.”
Maddie nods understandingly, though she looks pained at the thought of not being able to talk to her brother about what happened right now.
“He asked me to get you,” he tells her and she smiles weakly.
“Thanks.”
Eddie nods and as she moves past him, she gently squeezes his shoulder.
Then Eddie returns to his seat with a sigh, closing his eyes in hopes of getting some rest, but sleep never comes.
—
Buck feels like he hasn’t seen, let alone properly talked to, Maddie in ages.
He’s not sure how long it’s actually been. The past few weeks have all sort of blended together in his mind.
But now she’s here and she looks so incredibly sad as she walks towards him and he hates himself for making her worry. God knows she’s been through enough already but of course he just had to go and pile on some more.
She sits down next to him and gently takes his hand. Buck can still feel Eddie’s touch.
He can see tears starting to form in her eyes as she takes a shaky breath.
“Evan, I am so-”
“Mads,” he interrupts softly and she pauses. “Not today, okay? Please?”
Maddie looks like a part of her wants to argue but after a moment’s hesitation she gives him a shaky smile and nods.
“Okay,” she says, squeezing his hand. “Just…I’m glad you’re alright. And I love you, okay?”
Buck tries to swallow the lump in his throat, his eyes starting to burn.
“I love you too,” he tells her honestly and she smiles at him again.
And as he looks at his sister, Buck wishes so badly that he could simply be glad she’s here. And he is. But there’s a part of him that also feels suffocated, somehow. And so, so guilty.
Maddie is his blood. She’s the one person in this hospital that he will forever be inevitably tied to. And that thought should be comforting, but it isn’t.
He looks at her and he sees all the younger Maddies that he knew, looking at him with that same sad, worried expression. He thinks about how often he’s been the cause of it. About how much more often he will be in the future.
Does Maddie even remember what life was like before she had to take care of him?
He feels like a chain on his sister’s ankle that she drags with her wherever she goes.
And he knows Maddie would never complain. Knows she would probably be horrified at the idea that she feels anything for him but love. But it must not be easy, dragging that weight with you everywhere.
“You know, Jee is completely obsessed with that stuffed dog you got her,” Maddie says after they’ve been silent for a while, clearly trying to lighten the mood. And of course – because it’s Jee-Yun – it works. Buck feels the corners of his mouth twitch with a smile.
“Yeah?” he asks, thinking back to last week when he gave his niece a little Golden Retriever he’d seen in a store and couldn’t resist buying for her. Jee had been excited and he knew she liked it but he figured the dog would ultimately end up fading into oblivion amongst the vast amount of stuffed animals she already had.
“Oh yeah,” Maddie huffs a laugh, her eyes glinting with amusement. Buck much prefers that to the glint of tears. “She drags it around with her everywhere. Two days ago she forgot it in the house and she wouldn’t stop screaming until we turned the car around and drove back fifteen minutes to get it for her.”
Buck is genuinely smiling now.
“Oh, and she named him Goldie,” she adds and at that, Buck actually snorts, noticing Maddie’s eyes light up when he does.
“That’s very creative,” he says and Maddie shakes her head with a chuckle.
“Says the guy whose childhood teddy was called Teddy,” she says pointedly and Buck gasps in mock offense, making his sister laugh once more.
It’s the lightest Buck has felt in weeks.
—
It doesn’t last long.
Not because anything bad happens – it doesn’t. But Buck being able to forget about his feelings for a moment doesn’t mean they’re not still there, no matter how much he wishes they were not.
Maddie stays for a little while longer but he knows she can see that he’s getting tired so eventually she puts her hand to his cheek as she tells him she loves him again and leaves, but he’s only alone for less than a minute before Bobby is by his side.
Buck has always been impressed with Bobby’s ability to appear somewhat collected even when he’s worried or in pain. He also finds it quite sad. He supposes when the worst thing imaginable has already happened to you and you carry that grief inside of you every single day, you get some pretty good practice at seeming calm in the face of tragedy.
Still, when it comes to the people he loves most, there’s always a small crack in his captain’s mask.
Buck isn’t sure what to do with the fact that there’s a crack in it right this moment.
“I’m glad you’re okay, kid,” Bobby says. Part of Buck wishes Bobby wouldn’t call him that, knowing it doesn’t mean the same thing to Bobby as it does to him. The other part wants Bobby to never stop.
“Thanks, Cap,” Buck replies weakly and Bobby nods, staying silent for a moment.
“I know you don’t wanna have any more serious talks today, and I’ll respect that, I promise,” he then tells him in a reassuring tone but the words still make Buck uneasy. “I just want to tell you that we’ll figure this out, okay? And that you’re not gonna be alone in this.”
Buck swallows, unable to say anything in response. He thinks if he were to open his mouth, he would probably start crying again. Bobby doesn’t seem to mind his silence.
“I love you, kid.”
Has Bobby ever told him that before? Buck doesn’t think so. He knew, of course, that Bobby loves him to some degree, but the other man has never said it to him in words.
It’s a nice thing to hear, even if Buck knows it’s not quite the kind of love he wishes Bobby had for him. The kind he has for May. For Harry.
But maybe it can be enough anyway. He hopes so.
“I love you too, Bobby.”
Buck thinks he might have never said the words to his captain before either.
—
Buck has been exhausted since he woke up but by the time Hen comes into the room, he is well and truly spent.
Hen notices it too.
“I won’t bother you for long,” she tells him, smiling fondly.
“You never bother me,” Buck replies honestly but he can’t deny that sleep sounds pretty good right now.
“You never bother me either, Buck,” she says after a moment of silence, her smile fading slightly. “I hope you know that.”
He knows none of his friends want him dead. But he’s not sure he believes they actually want him around beyond making sure he doesn’t hurt himself.
“Thanks, Hen,” he says quietly, his eyelids feeling more heavy by the second, but he fights to stay awake.
“Get some sleep,” Hen says, picking up on it immediately. “I’ll tell Chim and Athena you’ll talk to them another time, okay?”
Buck thinks he manages a nod, already feeling himself slowly drifting off.
—
When he wakes up for the second time, the first thing he notices is Eddie.
He’s sitting in the same chair as he was earlier, scrolling on his phone. When Buck says his name, Eddie startles slightly, his head snapping up. When he lays eyes on Buck, a small smile appears on his lips.
“Hey Buck,” he says, putting his phone away. “How are you feeling?”
Buck thinks about it for a few seconds.
“Okay, I guess.”
Eddie nods and neither of them say anything for a bit. Eddie used to be someone that Buck could sit in a comfortable silence with, but now it just feels awkward. Buck wishes he knew how to fix it but he can’t come up with anything to say.
Eddie clears his throat, shifting in his seat.
“So, um,” he starts carefully and Buck can tell that he’s nervous. “The hospital said you could be discharged soon.”
Buck furrows his brow in confused surprise. He wasn’t expecting to get out of here so soon.
“Really?”
“Yeah, but there’s some conditions,” Eddie continues and Buck nods warily. “Maddie and I talked to Dr. Hartley about some possible options.”
Eddie’s nervousness makes Buck uneasy. He waits for him to continue, which he does after inhaling a shaky breath.
“And we were wondering how you would feel about staying with me and Chris for a bit?”
Buck blinks.
He knows Eddie promised to be there for him but going from avoiding him to asking him to temporarily move in is quite the leap.
“Um, are you sure?” he asks with a frown. “I mean, I, uh…I don’t wanna cause you any trouble.”
“Of course I’m sure, Buck,” Eddie is quick to reassure him. “And you’re not causing any trouble, alright?”
Buck’s pretty sure that’s a lie but it’s a nice thing to say.
“Are you sure Chris would be okay with that?”
At that, Eddie looks almost affronted.
“Are you kidding?” he huffs a laugh. “Chris loves having you around. He’ll be glad to have you there.”
Buck is still frowning, unsure.
“So he said he’s fine with it?”
Eddie hesitates.
“He, uh…he doesn’t know you’re in hospital yet,” he admits, a little guiltily. “I haven’t seen him since…you know. And it didn’t feel like something I should tell him over the phone.”
Buck nods understandingly. He probably would’ve made the same decision.
“Carla’s with him and she told him we had to work longer than expected,” Eddie continues. “But I’m gonna go home soon and when I see him, I’ll tell him. And look, Buck, I promise you he will be fine with you moving in.”
Buck tries to ignore the sinking feeling he gets when Eddie says he’s going home soon. He gets it, of course. Eddie can’t stay by his side forever and Chris should always, always come first. But he can’t say it didn’t feel nice to not wake up to an empty room.
And waking up and seeing Eddie felt even nicer.
If he tells him yes, he’ll be waking up in Eddie’s house once he gets discharged. The thought fills him with warmth, though it’s accompanied by the dread of most likely being a burden.
Buck chooses to ignore it for the time being.
“Okay,” he says. “If Chris says it’s fine, I’ll stay with you.”
Eddie releases a relieved breath and his smile is brighter than Buck has seen it since he first woke up.
—
Eddie wants to see Christopher but he doesn’t want to go home. Not without Buck, that is.
But Carla can’t watch Christopher for much longer and soon, enough time will have passed that Christopher won’t buy the whole ‘having to work’ excuse any longer.
So that afternoon, Eddie leaves the hospital with a heavy heart and goes home to see his son. Maddie takes his place by Buck’s side – everyone agreed that someone should be with Buck at all times. He’s felt alone for long enough.
When he steps inside his house it doesn’t take long for Christopher and Carla to hear him and Chris soon rounds the corner, walks towards him with a bright smile and hugs him.
Over Chris’ shoulder he gives Carla a sad smile, dreading the conversation he’s about to have with his son.
Carla says goodbye to Christopher with a hug, then does the same with Eddie. He whispers a ‘thank you’ into her ear as she does so and she gives him a reassuring squeeze.
When she’s gone, Eddie takes a deep breath.
“Hey buddy?” he says, turning to look at Chris. “Can you sit down with me for a bit? I have to talk to you about something.”
Christopher frowns slightly as he nods and they make their way to the couch and sit down.
“It’s about Buck,” Eddie says, immediately regretting starting that way when he sees Christopher’s eyes widen fearfully in response, no doubt expecting the worst.
“He’s okay, I promise,” he adds hastily, raising his hands in a calming motion, which makes Chris relax slightly but he still looks on edge. “He’s in hospital right now but he’s getting out soon, okay?”
Chris nods, processing the information.
“What happened?” he asks a few seconds later and Eddie averts his eyes. He knew the question was coming, of course, but…how do you explain this to your child?
Eddie sighs and looks Christopher in the eyes again.
“Buck tried to hurt himself, buddy,” he says as gently as he can. “Well, he…he did hurt himself. That’s why he’s in hospital.”
Chris stares at him, his brow furrowed.
“What did he do?”
Eddie swallows. He doesn’t want to lie to Chris but…he’s still just a kid. And he knows he’s been through a lot already, but this feels different, somehow. It’s one thing to tell your child that someone they love is dead or hurt. It’s a whole other thing to tell your child someone they love wanted to die and probably still does.
“Well, he, um,” Eddie says, clearing his throat. “He’s been really sad lately. And…”
Flashes of Buck in the bathtub. Buck’s wrists as Eddie tries desperately to stop the bleeding.
Eddie squeezes his eyes shut.
“Dad,” Chris says quietly and pauses for a moment before he asks: “Did Buck try to kill himself?”
Eddie’s stomach lurches. He knows Chris is growing up and that he knows what suicide is. But now more than ever, he wishes he was still a little kid, blissfully unaware of all the tragedies surrounding him.
He feels tears welling up in his eyes as he nods.
“Yeah,” he chokes out, wishing he could do something to ease his son’s pain, who looks absolutely devastated.
“But he’s gonna be okay,” he tries to reassure, hoping desperately that it’s not a lie. “We’re all gonna be there for him and help him get better. Make sure he’s not sad anymore, yeah?”
Chris nods but Eddie can tell he isn’t entirely convinced.
“Can we go see him?” Chris asks and Eddie licks his lips.
“Actually, I wanted to ask you about that,” he says. “Buck’s getting discharged tomorrow. But he shouldn’t be alone right now. So I was thinking maybe Buck should stay with us for a while.”
He looks at Chris hesitantly. He never doubted for a second that Chris would agree to Buck moving in but he suddenly feels nervous. He’s not sure he could bear it if Buck had to stay somewhere else. If he weren’t close to him, where Eddie can reassure himself that he’s alive.
“Would that be okay with you?”
To Eddie’s relief, Chris nods immediately.
“Of course, Dad,” he says in an almost offended tone, like it’s outrageous that Eddie even has to ask. Eddie smiles, not having expected anything else, despite his momentary panic. “We have to be there for him.”
Eddie blinks away more tears threatening to fall.
“Yeah, exactly, buddy,” he says shakily and a moment later, Chris reaches forward to pull his dad into a hug.
—
It feels weird, walking into the Diaz house again.
Where Buck used to feel at home, he now feels like more of an intruder.
When Eddie called him yesterday to let him know that Chris agreed, he asked one more time if Eddie really was sure.
“Yes, I’m sure,” Eddie said. “We want you here.”
So Buck kept his promise and when Eddie came to pick him up today, he went with him.
He’s carrying a duffle bag with some clothes Bobby got from his loft and brought to the hospital. During Buck’s previous hospital stays, it was almost always Eddie who brought him his things, so he was confused for a moment when Bobby handed him the bag. Then it dawned on him that Eddie probably doesn’t want to go into his apartment anymore, after what he saw the last time he did.
He hates that Eddie had to find him like that.
He hates that he was found at all.
“Buck, you’re not sleeping on the couch,” Eddie’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts just as he’s about to drop his duffle bag on it.
He pauses, turning to look at the other man with a frown.
“Where else am I supposed to sleep?”
“My bed,” Eddie states, hands on his hips. In his mind, Buck always calls that Eddie’s dad stance. “And I’m taking the couch.”
“Eddie, I’m not stealing your bed,” Buck protests and Eddie raises his eyebrows as if daring him to argue with him. Buck has become quite familiar with that expression in the years he’s known Eddie. It’s the expression he always wears when he tries to take care of Buck and Buck won’t let him.
Buck sighs as his shoulders sag in defeat.
“Fine,” he mumbles as he moves past Eddie, who is now smirking at him, towards his bedroom. “Thanks.”
Eddie huffs a laugh at Buck’s reluctant gratitude and it sounds so genuine that Buck can’t help the way his breath hitches for a moment, warmth spreading in his chest. He smiles at Eddie sheepishly before entering the bedroom and closing the door behind him.
The lightness he felt just a second before fades away, replaced by a sinking feeling in his gut. He’s already intruding on Eddie’s home. And now he’s also intruding on his bedroom?
It feels wrong. Like he’s taking up space he shouldn’t.
Yes, Eddie insisted on those things himself but…Eddie’s a good person, so of course he would. That doesn’t mean it’s not an inconvenience to him.
On the drive from the hospital, Eddie told him he’s taken some time off work so he can stay with Buck. Buck protested, of course, but Eddie wouldn’t hear it, adamant about his decision.
The selfish part of Buck is glad that he won’t be alone like he was the past few weeks, but the rest of him just feels guilty.
He wonders, not for the first time, if there’s a part of Eddie that thinks Buck did what he did for attention. To trap people into spending time with him or something.
And it’s not like it would be an unwarranted assumption, considering Buck’s history of using injuring himself as a way to be shown love. But the idea that Eddie and the others might think that’s what’s happening now, terrifies Buck.
Does Eddie secretly resent him for practically forcing his way back into his life after he tried to distance himself? Does he think Buck did it on purpose?
He squeezes his eyes shut, trying unsuccessfully to stop his thoughts from spiraling any further. He gives up rather quickly, knowing it’s no use.
It’s only noon but Buck is already exhausted. He’s been exhausted for weeks, and sleep never does anything to change that.
Still, he crawls under the covers, pulling them up to his chin and tries not to feel disappointment that they smell like laundry detergent, not Eddie, as he wills sleep to take him.
Notes:
comments are very much appreciated <3
Chapter 3: Recovery
Notes:
thank you so much to everybody who's taken the time to comment on this fic :) i hope you enjoy the last chapter!
Chapter Text
Buck wakes to the sound of voices coming from the living room.
And for a moment – no more than a second, really – he forgets. He forgets why he’s here. He forgets about the past few weeks. It simply feels like any other time he’s woken up on Eddie’s couch before: peaceful.
But then he remembers he’s not on Eddie’s couch, he’s in his bed. And the guilt settles in – an all too familiar companion to Buck at this point. Perhaps his most familiar one.
Part of him wants to just stay in bed forever — getting up seems like an impossible task. But he does it anyway, because one of the voices belongs to Chris and he hasn’t seen him in so long and he wants to. He needs to.
So he drags himself out of the bedroom and moves towards the chatter until Chris and Eddie enter his field of vision – Eddie at the stove (god help them all), and Christopher setting the table.
“Buck!” Christopher calls when he notices Buck’s presence, making Eddie’s head turn towards him as well. Chris sets down the plates he was carrying and a moment later, he throws his arms around Buck’s body, squeezing him tight. A smile spreads across Buck’s face.
“Hey, buddy,” he says, his voice still a little hoarse after sleeping. He puts a hand to Christopher’s back and carefully runs the other one through the boy’s curls.
His eyes meet Eddie’s for a moment, who’s looking at the both of them with a fond smile, before they find the top of Christopher’s head again.
“I’m really glad you’re okay, Buck,” Chris mumbles into his shirt and Buck swallows.
“Me too, bud,” he says, and as he’s holding Christopher in his arms, those words almost feel true.
After a few more seconds, Chris pulls away, though his hands remain on Buck’s hips as he looks up at him.
“Do you wanna play video games together?” he asks. “That always cheers me up when I’m sad.”
Buck huffs a laugh and hears Eddie do the same.
“I think we should all eat something first,” Eddie says pointedly, though he’s still smiling. “And then the two of you can play video games. If Buck wants to.”
“Yeah, sure,” Buck says, clearing his throat. “Sounds great.”
Chris smiles happily and detaches himself from Buck to finish setting the table.
Buck feels awkward as he sits down. He misses the days when having lunch with Eddie and Chris felt natural and not like he’s intruding on something. Still, he puts on a grateful smile when Eddie sets down the pot of pasta on the table.
“Are you sure this is edible?” he can’t help but tease the other man, who scoffs playfully in response.
“I’ll have you know I’ve become excellent at making pasta,” Eddie tells him.
“It’s pasta, dad,” Chris says. “It’s not that hard.”
Eddie’s mouth drops open as he looks at his son in mock offense.
“And yet,” Buck adds, looking at Chris, “your dad once managed to burn it.”
“That was ages ago!” Eddie insists. “I’m a great cook now.”
Buck raises his eyebrows with a smirk and Eddie smiles softly as he rolls his eyes.
“Just eat your pasta, Buckley.”
Yeah. He can almost forget.
—
Buck does play video games with Chris after, until it’s time for homework. Then he goes to the living room, lies down on the couch and turns on the TV.
He’s exhausted. And he feels terrible about it. Because he loved spending time with Chris, so much. And it did make him happy. But there’s still this void inside of him that he can’t seem to fill for more than a few moments at a time.
And the thing with Chris is that Buck doesn’t want to be sad in front of him. Doesn’t want to burden him with his feelings, because he’s only a kid.
He’s only been on the couch for a few seconds when Eddie emerges from the kitchen, carrying his laptop. He gives Buck a small smile and wordlessly sits down on the armchair next to him. Buck doesn’t say anything either as Eddie opens his laptop and starts typing something on it.
He frowns, because he knows Eddie prefers doing work on his laptop in the kitchen — despite the device’s name, he finds it more comfortable to have it sitting on a table.
He studies Eddie for a moment and it’s obvious he’s uncomfortable. He keeps shifting the laptop around, his brow furrowed in frustration when he’s unable to find a good spot for it on his thighs and it keeps sliding away from him.
And suddenly it hits Buck that, once again, he’s the reason for Eddie’s discomfort. Because Eddie is worried he might try something again. That’s why he was fine in the kitchen as long as Buck was with Chris. But not once Buck was alone.
Eddie must resent Buck for having to babysit him. How could he not?
“You don’t have to, like, watch over me,” Buck says, sitting up. He tries to keep his tone light but he’s not sure he manages.
Eddie looks up at him, his frown deepening. He opens his mouth like he’s about to say something and it hangs open for a few seconds before he closes it with a sigh and shakes his head, turning his eyes back to the screen.
Buck’s not sure what to do with that.
“Seriously, man,” he laughs awkwardly. “I’m already imposing on you enough. You don’t need to sacrifice your free time to babysit me, too.”
Eddie clenches his jaw and slams his laptop shut, not looking at Buck. Then he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them again. He turns to Buck.
“First of all,” he says firmly, “you’re not an imposition.”
He once again has that look on his face — like he’s daring Buck to argue with him.
“Second of all,” he continues, his voice sounding a bit more shaky now. He hesitates for a moment, as if thinking about how to end the sentence. “I couldn’t bear it, Buck.”
Eddie swallows.
“I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you again,” he says and he almost sounds like he’s holding back tears. “If you did anything to yourself again.”
Buck averts his eyes, unable to keep looking at the pain on Eddie’s face.
“I won’t,” he says quietly. It’s barely more than a whisper. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Eddie shake his head.
“I can’t take that chance, Buck,” he says. “I can’t.”
Buck forces himself to look back up.
“Look, I-,” he tries, cutting himself off with a sigh. He wants to lie. He wants to tell Eddie that he doesn’t feel like dying anymore. That he’s glad he was found and that he’s alive. But somehow he knows Eddie would see right through him. So he settles for a truth.
“I’d never do anything here, Eddie, I swear,” he says insistently. “I’d never risk you finding me like that again. Or, God forbid, Chris. Okay?”
Eddie studies him for a moment. Eventually, he nods.
“Okay.”
Still, Eddie looks hesitant as he stands up and makes his way back to the kitchen. And when he closes the door behind him, he leaves it open a crack.
—
Eddie wants nothing more than to go back to the living room so he can watch over Buck.
It’s not like he’s getting any work done in the kitchen anyway. He’s too focused on listening to the sounds coming from the other side of the door. What if Buck sneaks out?
“I’d never do anything here, Eddie.”
Eddie believes him. But what if he goes outside and hurts himself somewhere else?
So Eddie strains his ears to hear every little sound, so that if he hears the jiggle of keys or the front door unlocking, he can stop Buck before it’s too late. Before it ends like last time he didn’t follow Buck quickly enough.
A few hours later, Buck comes into the kitchen and Eddie almost sighs in relief upon seeing him alive and well. Buck tells him he’s going to bed, and then he’s gone again and the feeling of terror he’s grown all too familiar with since the day he found Buck in his bathroom returns.
—
Eddie can’t sleep.
To be fair, he hasn’t exactly been trying. He’s too afraid. Too afraid that when he falls asleep, Buck might sneak past him and outside and he wouldn’t see or hear it.
So he stays awake and he listens for the sound of the bedroom door opening.
It never does and Eddie never sleeps.
—
“Remember, you have a session with Dr. Copeland today,” Eddie tells Buck over breakfast, who nods in response. He doesn’t want to go but he knows he has to. It was one of the conditions of his release: therapy, at least two times a week.
“And if you feel up to it afterwards, maybe Maddie could come by?” Eddie asks carefully. “She’s been asking about coming over.”
It makes Buck feel uneasy somehow; the knowledge that Eddie and Maddie have been talking about him. Everybody has, probably. He wonders what they’ve been saying.
“Can she bring Jee?” he asks after a moment’s consideration and Eddie smiles.
“I’m sure she can,” he says. “I’ll text her.”
—
About an hour later, they’re on their way to Dr. Copeland’s office. Buck is in the passenger seat, staring out of the window as if lost in thought. Eddie glances over at him more often than he probably should while being in control of a vehicle but he can’t help himself.
He knows they need to talk. Really talk. But things still feel stilted and tense between them. There are these small moments when it feels like everything is normal but they never last long.
He’s tried to ask Buck how he’s feeling but the response is always the same: “I’m fine.” And Eddie knows he should push but everything — Buck — feels so fragile that he’s afraid of what will happen if he does.
So he stays quiet for the time being, telling himself that eventually, he’ll push. When things feel less fragile. When the timing is right.
“I’ll wait here ‘til you’re done,” he says once he’s parked the car. Buck looks like he wants to argue but decides against it and nods. He mumbles a ‘thanks’ and makes his way inside the building. Eddie pushes down the fear that resurfaces whenever Buck leaves his sight. After all, he’s in a building full of people — he won’t do anything to himself. But fear isn’t always rational.
He’s been waiting for about ten minutes when his phone starts ringing, Bobby’s name flashing across the screen. He accepts the call, grateful for something to do other than drowning in his thoughts.
“How’s he doing?” Bobby says once they’ve greeted each other. “I wanted to call Buck directly but I wasn’t sure if he’s up for talking yet, so I wanted to check in with you first.”
Eddie sighs as he runs a hand over his face.
“Honestly, Bobby, I’m not sure,” he admits. “He doesn’t seem…terrible, but he’s clearly not doing great. And I’m not sure how much of it is just a facade.”
Bobby hums thoughtfully.
“Has he said anything about how he’s doing?”
“He just keeps saying he’s fine,” Eddie replies with a small scoff. They’re both quiet for a moment.
“You know,” Eddie breaks the silence eventually, “at the hospital, when I told Buck you all wanted to see him…he was surprised. That all of us were there. Like he couldn’t understand why we would bother.”
Bobby doesn’t say anything for a few seconds.
“I’ll come by soon,” he says then and Eddie nods even though Bobby can’t see him.
“Yeah,” he says. “I think that’d be good.”
—
Buck looks drained when he comes back to the car. When Eddie asks how it was, he says ‘fine.’ Eddie doesn’t push.
Back at home, Buck wordlessly lies down on the couch once again and watches TV. Eddie watches with him, pretending he’s interested in the nature documentary so Buck doesn’t make him leave again.
Some time later, the doorbell rings and Eddie opens the door to Maddie, who’s holding Jee-Yun in her arms. They give each other a small smile and hug and he tells Jee hi before he gestures for Maddie to go to the living room.
“Hey, Buck,” Maddie says with a smile, making Buck’s eyes snap up, like he didn’t realize until right then that she was here. Buck’s been doing that a lot, Eddie’s noticed; zoning out.
He gives his sister a weak smile and sits up, though it looks like it takes him a great effort to do so. Maddie gently sets down Jee-Yun, who’s carrying a stuffed Golden Retriever.
“You wanna say hi to uncle Buck?” Maddie asks her daughter, who nods enthusiastically and runs to the couch with small but determined steps. Buck seems helpless against the smile that spreads across his face.
Jee climbs onto Buck’s lap and throws her arms around him and Buck looks a little like he might cry at the action, but he doesn’t — he just pulls his niece close.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” Maddie asks her brother quietly, running a hand through his hair. “Really talk?”
Buck sighs deeply before nodding.
—
Eddie leaves to pick Christopher up from school after a while. Maddie and Jee stay with Buck until he gets back, Christopher in tow. The boy gives Buck a hug when he sees him before leaving to do his homework. Maddie and Jee say their goodbyes too, though Maddie reassures him she’ll see him tomorrow. Buck already dreads the conversation.
Dr. Copeland said honest conversations with his loved ones are important for his recovery and he knows she’s right but that doesn’t mean he’s looking forward to them.
Buck spends the rest of the day continuing the documentary he started watching. And he lets Eddie pretend he’s interested in it, too, even though he’s clearly just still afraid to leave Buck by himself.
—
It’s over breakfast the next morning that Buck realizes how tired Eddie looks. He waits until Chris is at school to bring it up, while he’s helping Eddie with the dishes.
“I’m fine,” Eddie says gruffly but the circles under his eyes tell a different story. Buck tells Eddie as much, making the other man visibly tense.
“Is it the couch?” Buck asks. “I mean, I’ve slept on it enough times to know it’s not super comfortable. But I’m used to it, so, you know, we could just switch back and you can take your bed again.”
Eddie shakes his head, inhaling sharply.
“It’s not the couch, Buck,” he says. “And you’re keeping the bed.”
“But you need to sleep, Eddie, and right now you’re clearly not,” Buck pushes. “At least not a lot.”
Eddie clenches his jaw as he continues putting away plates but doesn’t say anything.
“What if we just switch every other night?” Buck suggests. “So, like, today you’d take the bed and then tomorrow I’d-”
“It’s not about the bed, Buck!” Eddie snaps, making Buck flinch slightly. Eddie immediately looks guilty, his frustrated expression softening.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m not mad at you. And thanks for offering, but…it’s not about the bed, Buck. So can we just drop it?”
Eddie’s eyes look so pleading that Buck almost wants to simply agree, but he’s nothing if not stubborn.
“Just tell me what’s wrong,” he all but begs and Eddie sighs as he turns away from him.
“Buck, it’s fine.”
“Eddie, come on, just tell me,” Buck says, refusing to let up until he knows what’s wrong, how he can help. “Please.”
Eddie grips the kitchen counter with both hands, hanging his head low as he takes a deep breath. Buck is about to keep pushing when Eddie finally speaks.
“I’m scared you’ll sneak out,” he says quietly. “And I won’t notice until it’s too late.”
Buck is taken aback.
“Eddie, I told you, I won’t-”
“You said you’d never do anything here, where me or Chris might find you,” Eddie interrupts, turning to look at Buck. “And I believe you about that. But what about somewhere else? How can I be sure you won’t leave the house in the middle of the night and…do something?”
Buck tries to swallow past the lump in his throat.
“Eddie, I told you I won’t do it again,” he says quietly, his voice small and Eddie runs a hand across his face.
“I know, Buck,” he says. “And I’m not saying you’re lying or that you’d want to hurt us, but I just-” He cuts himself off with a sigh and closes his eyes for a moment. Once he’s taken a deep breath, he opens them again. “Even if you’re not planning on doing anything right now…feelings like that don’t just go away overnight, Buck. I mean, can you honestly tell me there’s not even a small part of you that still wants to die?”
Eddie’s voice cracks a little on the last word and Buck’s eyes start to burn again. It would be easy to lie. To say: ‘Yes, I can. I can tell you that no part of me wants to die anymore. Not even a small one.’ When really, it’s a big one that still does. But he’s never been good at lying to Eddie, so he says nothing, which makes his answer clear.
When they’ve been silent for a while, Eddie moves to continue with the dishes. For a moment, Buck just stands there, until suddenly he has an idea. A terrible one, probably, but Eddie needs to sleep and it’s the only way he can think of to help him with it.
“What if we share the bed?”
Eddie freezes in his movements and raises his eyebrows as he looks at Buck.
“What?”
Buck tries not to let his nervousness show as he responds.
“Well, uh,” he starts, “you’re a light sleeper, you know? So, like, even if I tried to be quiet, there’s no way you wouldn’t wake up if I left the room.”
Eddie frowns slightly in consideration. Buck holds his breath as he waits for a reply.
“You sure you’d be fine with that?” Eddie asks then, still looking a bit hesitant but Buck nods quickly.
“Yeah, of course,” he insists. “It’s your bed anyways. I don’t mind sharing.”
Eddie thinks about it for a few more seconds until eventually he nods, giving Buck a small smile.
“Alright,” he says and Buck breathes a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Buck.”
Buck returns the smile and they finish the dishes in silence.
—
Maddie comes by in the afternoon, without Jee-Yun this time. Eddie offers to move to the kitchen to give them some privacy but Buck insists they can just talk in the bedroom. He’s trying to inconvenience Eddie as little as he can within the circumstances. So he sits down cross legged on the bed, Maddie following suit.
Neither of them say anything at first and Buck can’t bring himself to look at her, instead staring at his hands fidgeting with the blanket underneath them.
“I’m so sorry, Evan,” Maddie eventually breaks the silence, already sounding close to tears. Buck doesn’t blame her. He’s been close to tears a pathetic amount of times lately.
“You don’t have to apologize,” he says and even though he’s still not looking at her, he knows Maddie is shaking her head.
“Of course I do,” she insists, gently covering his hand with hers. He stops fidgeting. “I should’ve been there. I should’ve seen that something was wrong.”
“You’ve got your own life, Mads,” Buck says quietly. “And you’ve already dedicated too much of it to me.”
“Evan,” Maddie says, sounding exasperated. “There is always room for you in my life, do you hear me? Always.”
Buck looks up at her then. She looks incredibly sad.
“Maddie, you have a family,” he whispers.
“You’re my family,” she says firmly and Buck shakes his head with a sigh.
“But you don’t need me,” he tells her. She opens her mouth to protest but he doesn’t let her. “Before this, we hadn’t seen each other for weeks, except for when you needed me to babysit. And I’m not, like, mad at you for that or anything, okay?” He huffs a humorless laugh. “You’ve been responsible for me practically your whole life. I mean, God knows you deserve some Buck-free time.”
Maddie opens and closes her mouth like she doesn’t know what to say. A tear falls down her cheek and she doesn’t wipe it away.
“You really believe that?” she asks after a moment, looking devastated. Buck shrugs.
“Buck, of course I need you,” she says, shaking her head like she still can’t believe his words. “You’re my brother. And maybe I had to take on more responsibility than I should’ve had to when I was younger but I have never resented you for that. Not even for a second.”
She raises her hand to his face and starts gently stroking his cheek.
“And not for a second have I ever wished you weren’t there,” she continues and Buck can feel tears welling up in his own eyes. “Even when I was gone, I always thought of you, Buck. And I may not have had time for you lately but…if I knew you needed me, I would drop everything for you.”
The tears are rolling down Buck’s face now. Maddie’s, too.
“And even when we’re not together, you’re still such a big part of my life. Of my family,” she says. “Do you know how often Jee talks about her uncle Buck? How often I tell her stories about you? How often you come up in conversations between me and Chimney?”
Buck looks at her with wide, tear-filled eyes.
“You are part of my family, Buck. You always have been,” she tells him, still stroking his cheek. “And I wouldn’t change that for the world.”
Holding back a sob, Buck leans forward and falls into his sister’s arms, burying his face in her shirt like he used to when he was a kid. And just as she did back then, Maddie holds him close and strokes his hair and she doesn’t let go.
—
They talk some more after that. They also cry some more and laugh a little. Eventually, Maddie goes home, though not before once again hugging Buck and telling him how much she loves him. And the voice in the back of his head that’s telling him he’s just a burden to her is still there, but quieter this time.
He spends the rest of the day on the couch and in bed, except for when Eddie all but forces him to have lunch and dinner, and before he knows it, it’s late again and time to go to sleep. Except this time, Eddie will be sleeping next to him. Buck does his best not to show how nervous the thought of that makes him.
Buck’s already in bed when Eddie enters the room. He hopes the smile he gives him doesn’t look as awkward as it feels. Slowly, almost as if he’s giving Buck time to protest, Eddie slides under the covers next to him. There’s a decent distance between them, though Buck can’t help but want to close it. He doesn’t, though.
Instead, he tells Eddie goodnight and turns off the bedside lamp.
—
Bobby comes by the next day. He texted Buck that he would and Buck didn’t protest.
Of course, Bobby being Bobby, he brings food. Delicious food that Buck devours even though he doesn’t have much of an appetite these days. Bobby watches him with a smile as he digs into his own portion. They save the other two for Eddie and Chris.
They talk somewhat casually at first – Bobby just asks him how he’s doing and doesn’t immediately push when Buck says he’s fine, even though they both know it’s a lie. He tells him how things have been at the firehouse. He tells him Hen says hi.
But no matter how casual it feels, Buck knows where the conversation is inevitably heading. He doubts he’ll be able to avoid it with any of his loved ones. Except maybe Eddie, who seems to be avoiding it himself.
And as predicted, eventually the conversation takes a turn.
“How are you really doing, Buck?” Bobby asks and Buck shifts uncomfortably in his chair. “You don’t need to sugarcoat it. I can handle it.”
“I’m fine,” Buck mumbles, though he knows the lie is pointless.
“You seem better than five days ago, I’ll give you that,” Bobby admits. “But you’re not fine.”
Buck doesn’t say anything. After a moment, Bobby sighs.
“Look, I can’t force you to talk to me,” he says. “But if you ever feel that way again, please just…come to me.”
Buck looks up at him. Bobby’s eyes are pleading in a way Buck’s not sure he’s ever seen them before.
He swallows, looking back down at his hands.
“I did, actually,” he admits quietly. “Um, when I showed up at your house the night before.”
Bobby waits for him to elaborate.
“I’d been spiraling pretty hard and then I had the thought that I should just…” He trails off. Bobby knows what he means. “But I didn’t, like, want to, you know? Not really.”
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Bobby nod.
“So I came to you. ‘Cause I was afraid of what I might do if I was alone.”
“But you left,” Bobby states gently. “Because of Harry and May?”
“Kind of?” Buck says, unsure how exactly to explain it. “Not because…I mean I knew I still could’ve talked to you. I could’ve pulled you aside and told you what was going on, but…I just suddenly felt like such an intruder.”
He laughs humorlessly.
“And I felt so pathetic, coming to my captain’s house because he’s my family and meanwhile he’s having dinner with his real family,” Buck continues, his voice shaky. “And I’m not a part of that.”
“Of course you are.”
“Bobby-”
“I mean it, Buck,” Bobby insists, leaning forward slightly. “I haven’t said it before, and I should have. But I guess I was afraid.”
Buck meets his eyes with a frown.
“Afraid of what?”
“I’ve lived through losing two kids,” Bobby says and Buck swallows. “I can’t survive losing another. And I worry about May and Harry all the time but you…you’re a firefighter, Buck. It’s your job to put yourself in harm’s way.”
Bobby shakes his head with a sigh.
“So for a long time, I was afraid of admitting to myself, and to you, just how important you’ve become to me,” he says. And then, firmly: “But you have.”
Buck just stares at him, overwhelmed with emotions. He doesn’t know what to say.
“You’re like a son to me, Buck,” Bobby adds after a moment of silence and Buck is powerless against the tear that runs down his cheek. “You’re no less my child than Harry and May are.”
It’s what he’s wanted to hear from Bobby for years. What he never thought Bobby would say to him. He wants to tell Bobby as much. To tell him he loves him, that he’s like a father to him, but he’s too choked up for words.
So instead he throws his arms around Bobby, who returns the hug right away and it tells his father everything he needs to know.
—
Buck feels better. Of course he does — having your sister reassure you of how much she loves you and your father figure tell you everything you’ve ever wanted to hear from him will do that to you.
But he’s still not doing great.
He wishes it were as simple as hearing all those comforting words and just accepting them with no doubt, but it’s not. The voice in the back of his mind is still there, telling him they don’t mean it, they just don’t want to be responsible for Buck hurting himself again.
Dr. Copeland encourages him to try and reflect on which of his insecurities are actually based on other people’s actions or words, and which are just based on his own fears. It helps sometimes, but not always. It’s an exhausting process and frankly, Buck doesn’t always have the energy for it. But he’s trying.
She also prescribes him antidepressants, which he would probably forget to take if Eddie didn’t remind him every morning. He’s not sure if they help or not.
The next few days aren’t all that different from the previous ones. Buck spends a lot of time on the couch or in bed, mostly watching TV or scrolling on his phone. He tries to read sometimes but he can’t seem to focus enough to actually absorb any of the information on the pages.
Chimney, Hen and Athena all come by at some point. Bobby and Maddie regularly text him to check in or just to talk. It’s nice but exhausting. It doesn’t exactly help his fear of being a burden that they’re spending so much time on him. Still, he appreciates it.
Eddie is still avoiding talking about everything that happened and Buck is more than happy to follow suit. He’s fine with living in his fantasy right now. His fantasy where Eddie never distanced himself; where he didn’t make it clear he no longer wants or needs Buck in his life.
And to Buck, Eddie’s lack of an explanation and his overall avoidance of the topic is only proof of that sentiment.
He wonders how long it’ll be until Eddie can’t keep up the facade anymore and tells him he has to leave. Until he moves back into his cold, empty loft. Until he has to get used to sleeping alone again.
That first night was tense and awkward — the intimacy almost too much for Buck to bear with the knowledge that it won’t last forever. But he’s so used to it now; to hearing Eddie’s breathing as he falls asleep. To lying so close to him that he can feel his warmth, even though they never quite touch.
Until one night, Buck wakes up to the sound of Eddie’s labored breathing.
Buck’s eyes snap open and he quickly sits up to turn on the bedside lamp. Eddie’s back is turned to him but the quick rise and fall of his chest is still visible. As is the fact that he’s shaking.
Buck leans forward a little so he can look at Eddie’s face. His eyes are closed but he’s frowning in his sleep. Buck grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him slightly.
“Eddie, wake up.”
When he doesn’t, Buck shakes him a little harder and a second later, Eddie’s eyes fly open and he sits up so quickly that Buck flinches.
Eddie’s breathing doesn’t slow down — if anything, it becomes even faster as his eyes frantically move around the room until they land on Buck and stay there. And before Buck can say anything, Eddie leaps forward and throws his arms around him.
Buck makes a surprised noise when Eddie’s body hits him full force but quickly puts his arms around him, too.
Eddie is shaking like a leaf in his arms, gripping the back of Buck’s shirt like he’s afraid Buck might slip away.
“It’s okay,” Buck tries to reassure, even though he has no idea what’s going on. “Breathe with me, okay?” he says before inhaling slowly and waiting for Eddie to do the same. It takes a while until Eddie is able to take a full, long breath but eventually he gets there and the shaking subsides as well.
Buck isn’t sure how long they’ve been holding each other for. And he doesn’t want to let go but eventually Eddie pulls back, though hesitantly. Like he doesn’t want to, either.
He runs a hand across his face, refusing to look at Buck.
“Sorry about that,” he says, his voice rough and Buck shakes his head.
“No, it’s fine,” he reassures quickly. “I promise.”
Eddie nods but he’s still refusing to meet Buck’s eyes.
They’re silent for a moment.
“Do you, uh,” Buck tries. “Wanna talk about it?”
Eddie sighs and once again runs a hand across his tired face.
“Just a nightmare,” he says, as if Buck will let him get away with that.
“About what?”
If Eddie wasn’t so tired, maybe he would give in less easily but he seems too exhausted to argue.
“You,” he admits quietly and Buck’s breath catches in his throat. “Dying.”
Guilt once again floods through him. Eddie should’ve never had to see what he did in that bathroom. They may be first responders but it’s different when it’s someone you know and when it comes out of nowhere.
“Eddie, I’m-”
“It’s okay, Buck,” he interrupts weakly, giving him a small smile. “Just something I gotta deal with.”
He looks resigned — like he knows this will happen again. Buck hates it.
“Well, is there anything I can do to help?” he asks. Eddie hesitates for a fraction of a second before shaking his head but Buck catches it.
“Come on, there’s gotta be something,” he pushes, desperate to make up for the pain he’s caused.
“It’s fine, Buck,” Eddie insists as he lies back down with a sigh. Buck stays upright.
“Eddie, please,” he all but begs. “I saw you hesitate. If there’s something I can do, just tell me.”
Eddie stares at him, hesitancy still written all over his face, though he now seems like he’s considering it.
“Can you lie down?” he asks after a moment and Buck’s shoulders sag in defeat. He should’ve known Eddie won’t let him help.
He wants to keep pushing but he figures there’s no point. So he complies with Eddie’s request and lies down. He’s about to turn off the light when all of a sudden, Eddie throws an arm across him and pulls him close.
Eddie gives him a moment to pull away but when he doesn’t, he carefully rests his chin on Buck’s shoulder. He can feel his breath on his skin.
Hesitantly, Buck grabs Eddie’s hand and pulls his arm a little so the other man is holding him more tightly. The moment feels fragile — like any wrong movement will make Eddie snap out of it and realize he doesn’t actually want this.
“This okay?” Eddie whispers, but his voice is so close that Buck can hear him clearly.
“Yeah,” he croaks.
After that, they fall asleep wrapped around each other every night. Neither of them ever mention it.
—
There are rarely days when nobody comes to visit.
Buck knows that if he asked them to give him space, they’d back off, at least a little. But selfishly, he likes the company. Though he’s still afraid none of them actually want to see him.
They don’t always make him talk about things, so it isn’t always tiring when someone’s there. Sometimes he just cooks with Bobby or plays cards with Hen or watches TV with Chimney.
But other times, they push. Today is one of those times, apparently.
Hen came by after her shift and they’ve been playing cards for a while, sitting in Eddie’s kitchen by themselves. Hen told him some stories from the firehouse and Buck distantly realizes this is the first time he’s been out of work for so long without being desperate to get back.
He does want to get back eventually and he does miss it. But it feels like all his energy is being used up on trying to keep his head above water — he doesn’t have any left to spend on missing his job.
“So how are you doing, Buckaroo?” Hen asks, feigning casualness but Buck can already tell this is going to be one of those talks.
“Fine,” he says and at least it feels just the tiniest bit like less of a lie than it did two weeks ago. But Hen doesn’t buy it, of course. No one ever does.
“You know you can talk to us, right?” she questions, looking at him seriously. Buck tries to smile at her.
“Yeah, of course.”
Hen narrows her eyes at him as she asks: “Do you?”
She says it gently but the words still feel sharp.
“Because you don’t really do it,” she continues, her voice remaining soft, like she’s doing her best not to sound like she’s being accusing. “I mean I know you go to therapy but don’t you think it would help to talk to other people, too? Talk to us?”
Buck shrugs.
“I just don’t wanna bother you guys,” he says quietly, averting his eyes.
“Buck,” Hen says, sounding sad. “You don’t bother us. Why would we keep coming over here to see you if you did?”
Buck shifts in his seat uncomfortably.
“I don’t know. ‘Cause you feel like you have to,” he replies with another shrug. “I mean, you’re all first responders. It’s kind of in your blood to wanna try to prevent people from getting hurt.”
He tries to keep his tone light in an attempt to hide how deeply the thought affects him but he’s pretty sure he’s unsuccessful. He’s terrified, really. That whatever Hen says next will confirm his fears and insecurities.
“But we don’t have to be here, Buck,” she says after a moment of silence, shaking her head slightly. Buck meets her eyes. “If it were only about keeping you alive, we wouldn’t all be visiting. You’re in capable hands with Eddie. We know you’re safe.”
She leans forward slightly.
“We want to be there for you because we love you, Buck,” she tells him and he feels tears start to well up in his eyes once again. “Not out of guilt or because we feel like we have to be. Just out of love. Okay?”
He’s not sure when he’ll be able to fully believe people when they tell him things like this — he’s not sure he ever will.
But right now, he at least believes Hen a little bit. And maybe tomorrow, he’ll be able to believe her another tiny bit more.
—
It’s a slow, exhausting process but as the days go on, Buck feels like he’s starting to improve a bit. He still has bad days — lots of them, in fact. Days when he can’t bring himself to do anything but lay in bed and Eddie has to practically force him to eat and take a shower. But there’s less of them now than there were in the beginning.
He keeps going to therapy. Keeps taking his medication. People keep visiting. And Eddie and him keep avoiding everything they both know they should talk about.
Buck knows he will have to leave eventually. He thinks maybe part of him is almost scared of getting well, because once he does, that might very well be it for their friendship. He’ll have to go back to his loft and Eddie will be able to distance himself again, without the guilt and the fear that Buck might hurt himself again.
He admits these fears to Dr. Copeland and she tries to encourage him to talk to Eddie. He says he’ll think about it, but really, he knows he won’t. As long as they don’t talk about it, things can stay the same and Buck needs them to stay the same at least a little longer.
“I agree with Dr. Copeland,” Bobby says, stirring the sauce they’ve been making together. Buck sighs, regretting telling Bobby about his fears regarding Eddie. “You should talk to him.”
“What good will that do?” Buck scoffs and Bobby raises his eyebrows at him with a pointed look.
“And what good is it doing to not talk about it, exactly?” he asks and Buck shrugs.
“Well, I don’t have to go back home yet, for one,” he replies, even though his apartment hasn’t felt like home in a long time.
“And, what,” Bobby continues. “You think Eddie would just kick you out?”
“I don’t know,” Buck mumbles. “I guess not. But things would be awkward.”
“And right now they’re not?”
“No,” Buck argues, giving Bobby a small, triumphant smirk. “Because we avoid all topics that might make things awkward.”
“That sounds healthy,” Bobby says with an amused smile, shaking his head as he turns his eyes back on the pot. Buck huffs a laugh and for a while, they simply stand in comfortable silence.
“I really do think you should talk to him,” Bobby says eventually and Buck groans.
“Bobby-”
“Look, Buck,” he interrupts. “I don’t know why Eddie was pulling away from you. But I’ve seen firsthand how much he cares about you. And if you ask me, I truly doubt that could’ve changed.”
Buck frowns, looking at the floor.
“Then why was he pulling away?” he asks quietly, his voice small.
“I don’t know,” Bobby repeats gently. Then, with the same triumphant smile Buck wore earlier: “Guess you’ll have to ask him.”
—
It takes Buck several more days to work up the courage to actually do it.
He really, really doesn’t want to but Bobby keeps pestering him and when he asks Maddie for her input, she gives him the same advice.
So, very reluctantly, he listens to them.
He almost starts the conversation a few times but always ends up chickening out. It’s on Saturday, when Chris is at a sleepover, that Buck finally tells himself that it’s enough — he can’t avoid it any longer. He has to finally talk to Eddie.
He feels nauseous the entire day, terrified of the results of their impending conversation. But he’s run away from it for long enough, so eventually he takes a deep breath and sits down next to Eddie, who’s scrolling through his phone on the couch.
Eddie looks up to give him a quick smile before turning his eyes back to the screen and Buck resists the urge to stand back up and bolt.
He can do this. He has to do this.
“Eddie, we should talk,” he says, his voice coming out shaky. Eddie looks up again, this time with a confused frown. Upon seeing Buck’s serious expression, he almost looks afraid. With a hesitant nod, he puts his phone down on the couch table.
“Okay,” he says slowly, clearly attempting to keep his voice even but failing. “About what?”
Buck swallows. He takes another deep breath.
“About why you were pulling away from me,” he says, looking down at his hands. He can’t take seeing Eddie’s face right now. He’s too terrified of seeing something like pity.
Eddie inhales sharply but doesn’t say anything right away.
“I mean, you admitted it yourself,” Buck huffs. “That you were distancing yourself from me. But then we just never talked about it.”
And Buck thinks: this is it. This is the moment that Eddie will tell him he doesn’t want him anymore. Hasn’t wanted him for a while.
But Eddie doesn’t say anything. It still feels like an answer.
Buck’s eyes start to burn.
“Look, um,” he chokes out, clearing his throat. “I’m better now. And I have the others. So, you know, if you want space from me…you can have it again.”
Don’t make me leave, he wants to beg. But he doesn’t — because Eddie would give in to him, even if it goes against his own wants. And he can’t force himself into Eddie’s life any longer if he’s not wanted there.
“Buck,” Eddie finally says, sounding distraught. “I never wanted space from you.”
Buck laughs humorlessly.
“Eddie, come on,” he says weakly. They’ve avoided the truth for too long.
“I mean it,” he insists, shifting closer to Buck. The action makes Buck meet his eyes. Eddie looks so…earnest.
“Then why?” Buck asks quietly and Eddie’s shoulders sag with a defeated sigh. He runs a hand across his face as Buck waits for him to answer. It feels like an eternity until he does, when really, it’s probably only a few seconds.
“I’m in love with you, Buck.”
He looks sad as he says it. It takes a moment for the words to register in Buck’s brain but when they do, his breath hitches. He stares at Eddie in shock.
“What?” he croaks. He’s wanted to hear those words from Eddie for years — but he never dared to even hope that wish would become a reality.
Eddie smiles at him sadly.
“I was terrified of losing you,” he admits with a slight shake of his head. “Terrified that I was gonna ruin our friendship. And I thought, you know, maybe if I put some distance between us, my feelings would go away. Or that I’d be able to at least keep them in check.”
Buck is still too shocked to say anything.
“I hated it, Buck,” Eddie continues, sounding almost pleading. “I hated being away from you. I hated how empty the house was without you coming over all the time. I hated it so much.”
Buck is silent for another moment. Then, almost in a whisper: “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“I was scared,” he says. “That if I told you, you’d…I don’t know. End our friendship. And so I thought distancing myself from you for a little while was better than losing you forever.”
Guilt is written all over Eddie’s face. The bitter irony of his last sentence isn’t lost on either of them.
“But it was stupid,” he continues, his voice cracking slightly. “And selfish. I had no idea how alone you felt, but I should’ve. And I’m sorry, Buck. I’m so sorry.”
The silence that follows feels heavy. Buck isn’t sure how much time passes until he breaks it.
“Did it work?” he asks quietly and Eddie looks at him questioningly, unsure what exactly Buck is asking.
“Getting over your feelings,” Buck clarifies. “Or keeping them in check.”
Eddie’s confused expression morphs into one of understanding. He gives Buck a small, sad smile.
“No.”
Buck takes a moment to process this.
Eddie is in love with him. Not was, is. Right here, right now.
“If you’d just talked to me,” he all but whispers, “I could’ve told you that I’m in love with you, too.”
Eddie’s eyes widen in disbelief, looking just like Buck did minutes earlier.
“You are?” he croaks and Buck nods.
“Of course I am, Eddie,” he says softly. How could he not be?
Eddie opens his mouth to say something but no words come out. For a moment, he just stares at Buck and then a tear rolls down his cheek. Before Buck can wipe it away, Eddie is already turning away from him, burying his face in his hands.
Buck is frozen for a second — he’s not sure what kind of reaction he was expecting but it wasn’t this. Unsure what else to do, he moves closer and puts a comforting hand on the other man’s shoulder.
“Eddie,” he tries, growing worried.
“I’m so sorry, Buck,” Eddie says, his face still in his hands as he shakes his head.
“It’s okay, it-”
“It’s not okay, Buck,” Eddie interrupts, suddenly standing up and causing Buck’s hand to slide from his back down to the couch. Buck looks up at him helplessly as Eddie takes a few steps away, looking distraught and like he’s on the verge of a panic attack.
He turns his back to Buck and puts his hands over his face again.
“It was for nothing,” he says, his voice unsteady. “I pushed you away for nothing.”
“Eddie, it’s-”
“I thought there was at least a reason,” Eddie cuts him off, dropping his hands as he turns to meet Buck’s eyes. “It was a stupid reason but at least I had one.”
Slowly, Buck stands up and takes a cautious step towards Eddie, who’s fully crying now. The sight makes Buck want to cry as well.
“But if you love me back, that means there wasn’t even a point!” Eddie continues, his voice getting louder as he grows more agitated, but there’s nothing threatening about it. It’s just pure devastation. “It means I could’ve just told you the truth and it wouldn’t have ruined anything and you wouldn’t have tried to k-”
A sob rips through him, making him unable to finish the sentence.
Wordlessly, Buck — who’s now crying too — steps forward and pulls Eddie into his arms, who goes easily, all but collapsing into him.
They stand there like that for a long time. Even once their tears have dried, they don’t part immediately. They just keep holding each other.
But eventually they do separate, though Buck keeps his hand on Eddie’s arm as he gently leads him back towards the couch. For a little while, they just sit next to each other in silence.
“It wasn’t your fault, Eddie,” Buck says and Eddie closes his eyes with a sigh and a shake of his head, clearly not believing Buck’s words. But Buck doesn’t let up.
“It wasn’t,” he repeats, more firmly this time and Eddie turns to look at him, still wearing a doubtful expression. “Look, obviously it sucked. And I wish you’d just talked to me. But it wasn’t, like…one thing, okay?” he continues, desperate to make Eddie believe what he knows is true. “I didn’t…do that because of you. Or any specific person, or thing.”
Eddie looks at him silently, still looking guilty and unconvinced.
“I swear to God, Eddie, it wasn’t your fault,” he tries again. Eddie looks like he wants to believe him but can’t quite do it. Buck gives him a small smile, hoping to be able to at least lighten the mood a little. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been going through a bit of a depressive episode lately.”
It gets a short, surprised laugh out of Eddie, which makes Buck’s smile widen. But a few seconds later, the moment passes and Eddie’s eyes turn sad again.
“If I’d been there for you, maybe it never would’ve gotten as far as it did,” he whispers. After a moment’s hesitation, Buck carefully reaches for his hand, afraid Eddie might pull away. He doesn’t.
“You were there in the end,” he responds quietly. “And you saved me.”
“I should’ve been there from the beginning.”
“Maybe,” Buck admits with a small shrug. “But you made it in time.”
“But if I hadn’t-”
“But you did.”
Eddie looks like he wants to argue further but instead he sighs, accepting defeat for now.
For a while they just look at each other and despite the sadness accompanying it, Eddie’s eyes are so full of love, Buck wonders how he couldn’t see it before.
Cautiously, he shifts closer, his eyes dropping to Eddie’s lips. Eddie inhales shakily when he notices, gripping Buck’s hand a little tighter.
They lean towards each other slowly and right before their lips are about to meet, they stop for a moment, just breathing in each other’s air until eventually Buck can’t help himself anymore and closes the distance between them.
They sigh against each other’s mouths, both having waited way too long for this.
“I love you,” Eddie whispers, pulling away for only a moment before capturing Buck’s lips with his again and Buck melts.
And he believes him.
—
Buck gets better — slowly.
The first day after him and Eddie get together, he feels invincible — so filled with happiness that he thinks surely he won’t be sad again anytime soon.
But the bad days remain. They can’t be loved away.
So sometimes Eddie still has to drag him out of bed. Sometimes he still feels like a burden. Sometimes he still doubts every loving word that’s sad to him.
But Eddie loves him through all of it — and so does the rest of this family.
Buck is going to be fine.
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