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The trip from Sumeru to Liyue can be quite challenging, even for a vision holder. The most popular path is through the edge of Mawtiyima Forest, carefully avoiding the skirts of The Chasm and the numerous dormant ruins that are scattered across Liyue to hopefully make it to the Harbor without issue in approximately three weeks. Alhaitham doesn’t have to bother avoiding many obstacles and he can cut through The Chasm at certain points, which should have reduced the time to two weeks at best.
Alhaitham made the trip in half the time he predicted.
Granted, he has traveled alone and had the luxury of not stopping every two hours to sketch down a rogue plant, but it’s still a remarkable time. It’s not like Kaveh will hit the harbor any faster.
He doesn't understand why Kaveh insisted on going through Liyue Harbor instead of making his way to Port Ormos. He is even more confused as to why Kaveh thought he wouldn't make the trip to take him home. Even with the… fragile state of their relationship, Kaveh should've known.
He has already made arrangements for their trip back, handled some Akademiya business that acted as his cover for picking up Kaveh and met up with several Haravatat Driyosh in order to help give a quick review of their process so far. If they’ve timed things right (which they should have, Kaveh was the one who made the calculations with great insistence that Alhaitham didn’t “calculate right”), Kaveh should be back from Inazuma in about a week.
That’s why his eyes almost glaze over blonde hair and the familiar flash of teal as he scans around the harbor to find a suitable place to eat.
He has to stand in the middle of the street the first moment; he's not sure if his eyesight is failing him or if he's missed Kaveh so much that he's seeing traces of him scattered across his vision. He reminds himself that it wouldn't be anything new. He then walks to the side, narrowly dodging a worker carrying a box of fish, and looks again. There's no mistaking it, not to Alhaitham's eyes; Kaveh has lost his embellishments, instead clothed in his white shirt and comfortable pants. His hair is tied up in a sight most familiar to Alhaitham, with strands escaping through the grasp of the clasps and hairpins Kaveh fails to replace even when it's obvious they fail at what they do. His skin is paler, likely because of the Inazuman weather, but even more likely is Kaveh's insistence on ignoring self sustenance leading to the sight. The feather over his ear stubbornly clings to the mess of his hair as his head bobs in his enthusiasm, conversing with a few deckhands before he bends to pick up a crate that should definitely be too heavy for him if not for the vision strapped to his waist.
There he stands, Light of Kshahrewar, helping a few deckhands carry a crate.
He thought it would get easier to not see Kaveh. He knows Kaveh made the decision to live in the same house even though he was so close to paying off his debt and could reasonably live by himself. He knows Kaveh will not leave, not abruptly, not without a cause. It still terrifies him the same when Kaveh leaves for a project, suitcase and Mehrak in hand, barely slurring Alhaitham a goodbye.
Kaveh could leave him. But he stays, and it always leaves Alhaitham stranded.
The deckhands clap and cheer for Kaveh as he sets the crate down and joins in their laughter. A large hand lands over Kaveh's back and Kaveh turns to the woman who (presumably) teases him and waves his hands in some form of denial. Even with Kaveh's supernatural charm, the touch seems too familiar; a young man next to Kaveh bumps his shoulder from the other side and another one runs behind to flick at his hair.
“... nothing, really.” Alhaitham catches as he slowly walks forward without purpose. “... could've done it!”
Another figure joins the crowd around Kaveh, a man with arms as thick as Kaveh’s waist. “Madam Xiangling’s waiting for her ingredients, stop babbling around!”
Kaveh holds onto the man’s arms as he jumps over a crate and holds on even after steadying himself. They exchange a few jokes as the people around them start shifting crates around before Kaveh taps the man on the shoulder a few times and turns back to pick a crate up himself. He then stops dead in his tracks and comes eye to eye with Alhaitham.
The world doesn’t stop.
The people Kaveh was conversing with keep carrying crates and pass by them. The wharfmaster shouts a few commands in the distance, a child giggles along with his mother’s quick pace. A seagull flies above them, a particularly strong wave crashes against the dock, and Kaveh stares at Alhaitham.
Alhaitham knows how much he missed Kaveh. He just didn’t think he would see it reflected in Kaveh’s eyes.
His first instinct is to get scared. His hands curl up into fists and uncurl, his eyes blink slowly. Kaveh looks at him and it feels like he’s shouting Alhaitham’s biggest secret to the entirety of Liyue Harbor. Alhaitham wants to hide, crack a joke, ignore it; he can’t do anything. Kaveh takes a deep breath, he steps forward. Alhaitham can see a faint scar on his forehead, a new one. No retort comes up from his lungs, no words seem appropriate. He realizes he has to be honest; not only honest but open, because the facts are that he missed Kaveh and he wants more.
He has always wanted more.
Alhaitham closes the distance between them with a few determined steps and hugs Kaveh.
Kaveh’s arms —bit more toned than before, Alhaitham guesses it was thanks to sailing— gently wrap around his shoulders and squeeze. Alhaitham’s fingers dig into Kaveh’s back and pull themselves up. Kaveh lets Alhaitham hug him— Kaveh hugs back.
Honest, is what it is. It’s terrifying.
“Absence does make the heart grow fonder, I see.” Kaveh pulls back and Alhaitham’s hands shake off from their place. There’s a weak smile on his face and he attempts to chuckle.
Avoiding. Diverting. Delaying. It’s routine, it’s comfortable.
“I guess your calculations were wrong.” Alhaitham tries to stop smiling.
Kaveh nods once, quickly, and starts to drag Alhaitham from his arm. To where, Alhaitham doesn’t particularly care. “You arrived early.”
“So did you.”
“Right.” Kaveh bends down to pick up a crate. Alhaitham feels the coolness of mist flowers.
“You didn’t arrive early,” He looks at Kaveh’s back as he carries the crate. “You arrived at the time you planned.”
Kaveh flinches, but doesn’t stop walking. “What makes you say that?”
“Wanmin Restaurant,” Alhaitham keeps pace with him. “Your ship carried perishables.”
Kaveh’s face dips to the lid of the crate. He climbs up a set of stairs to place it, gently, on top of a lift. Someone starts to crank it up after Kaveh tugs on the rope twice and shakes his hand to get rid of the strain. He still doesn’t look at Alhaitham.
“Well, figured it would be nice to see where The Crux gets its reputation.”
“You planned to arrive two weeks early,” Alhaitham tries to intercept him. Kaveh steps around him and starts the climb up to stairs that lead to the street. “You would’ve made the trip to Sumeru before I could make it to Liyue.”
Kaveh shrugs. He jogs up the stairs. It wouldn’t look like he’s running to anyone else but Alhaitham knows better. “You would’ve gotten a bit more time for your assignment here, right?”
“And would’ve paid for accommodations for no reason.”
“Well, I would’ve paid you back—”
“The Akademiya business wasn’t my responsibility,” Alhaitham climbs the steps, two at a time. Kaveh doesn’t wait for him to catch up as he weaves through the crowd. “I took it so I could accompany you.”
“Well, I’m sorry,” Kaveh says. It’s barely audible through the crowd, even if it hasn’t hit rush hour quite yet. Kaveh is walking and he doesn’t look back. “I’ll clean up your house when we get back, how’s that for payback?”
Your house.
Kaveh and Alhaitham have had many arguments ever since their light reconciliation. They yelled, and came to the edge of screaming. They hurt each other on many occasions; some intentional while others not so much. Alhaitham doesn’t think he’s felt his heart sink so badly ever since their fallout; at a throwaway comment, nonetheless. Perhaps that is the part that hurts. The nonchalant way Kaveh said “your house”, not even considering home. Maybe he’s found a new one during his job in Inazuma, maybe he simply didn’t even think about his words.
Alhaitham stands in the middle of the streets and watches Kaveh go.
The architect weaves through the crowd so elegantly, his beacon of blonde hair the only thing letting Alhaitham track him. He is not looking back. At some point, he plucks his hair feather and wedges it in his belt. He raises up on his tiptoes and looks for the people waiting for him in Wanmin Restaurant.
At what point, for the pursuit of stability, will Alhaitham have to watch Kaveh go?
It doesn’t feel far enough.
Alhaitham follows —it's not really a decision he makes— but he chooses to fall behind. Kaveh is welcomed in by the crew he’s been traveling with. One of them slides a bowl of soup in his direction. Kaveh pulls the chair handed to him and a woman next to him slides him salt and pepper.
Alhaitham’s steps come to a halt when Kaveh breaks a small loaf of bread and doesn’t notice that Alhaitham is not there anymore.
He doesn’t know what he was expecting. They’ve never talked about things; too concerned about the fragile reconciliation between them, too busy to sit down and spend time together, too proud to be the first one to speak. He knows, at a delicate balance, Kaveh cares about him. He has to. The quiet moments where they sat across from each other, occupied in their work; the decadent smell of a filling meal hitting his nose as soon as he came home after he had a hard day, blankets thrown against each other’s exhausted forms, messages scribbled around the house in a long dead language, a textbook casually put on the coffee table with several bookmarks and a stack of papers waiting for comments…
It’s not all for nothing. But it could be too late.
Alhaitham walks closer to the wall and watches Kaveh eat. He still stubbornly wrestles with his hair instead of just redoing it. He picks up the salt shaker before tasting the food. But he also silently pawns off some green vegetable to one of the crew and gets more meat in return. He has other rituals, now. Perhaps three months wasn't enough to find a new home, but it could have been enough to slowly shed the previous one.
He’s so lost in thought that he barely registers a woman barrelling towards him from the restaurant.
The woman throws her hair over her head, her eye not obscured by her eyepatch clearly focused on Alhaitham. He notes that everyone seems to be stepping out of her way so he puts on his best diplomatic facade.
“You like black perch stew?” The woman’s booming voice says before she makes it to him.
Alhaitham is… confused.
“Excuse me?”
“Black perch stew,” The woman stands in front of him, barely into conversation distance. “Do you like it or not?”
“I don't… mind it?”
As swift as she came, she turns and starts to walk back to the restaurant. A few steps in, she gestures over her shoulder for Alhaitham to follow, a quick move that Alhaitham would've missed if not for his bewildered stare at the woman's back.
“Chef Mao, two on that table.” The woman calls before she makes it to the door. The table that Kaveh is sitting with raises their arms or nods their heads as she thunders past them.
Ah. Captain Beidou, then.
Alhaitham follows her, pointedly avoiding catching Kaveh's gaze. He hears him, he thinks, just barely tucked into someone's laugh. He could pick his laugh out amongst thousands, but if Kaveh decides to hide, he'll let him.
Captain Beidou walks to a table for two and drags a chair for herself. Alhaitham can't tell if she's trying to be intimidating or it's in her nature to be as spread out as possible.
“You're Alhaitham, right?”
“I take it Kaveh has informed you—”
“What's the deal with you and him, by the way?” She taps the waiter on the back as two bowls of steaming stew are put down in front of them. “Friends? Lovers?”
Alhaitham is stunned into silence as he dips his (rather weirdly shaped, really) spoon into the broth. It's a really inconvenient way to consume food, he thinks, these soups and stews. But the taste makes up for it. A piece of fish rips itself from the bottom and makes it into his spoon. “Friends, you could say.”
Captain Beidou slurps on a mouthful and tears a piece of bread apart. “Right, that's what he said too. I'm not saying shit, though, so what are you?”
Alhaitham watches her dig into her meal. Spoon scrapes against bowl, bread dips into soup. Alhaitham swirls his spoon over and watches a drop fall back into the broth.
Realistically, he doesn't know this woman. He owes her nothing, especially not the secrets buried deeply behind his roots of control. She doesn't get to know he is slowly losing his mind over how a stranger yet a lover Kaveh feels.
But, he knows Kaveh. And he knows his is the only restraint that rivals his own. And if this woman knows , Kaveh might be closer to a tipping point than he thought.
He listens for the boisterous table to make sure they’re not being listened to and swallows a mouthful of soup. “I like him.”
He feels tears sting his eyes.
It shouldn't have been this difficult. What comes more natural than breathing shouldn't brutalize its way onto his tongue and out of his lips. Kaveh doesn’t deserve for it to be difficult, even if it will fall flat and die between them.
If Captain Beidou notices him crying into his soup, she doesn't give it away. She keeps eating her food at the same pace, lets Alhaitham think on what he said. When she's done, she slides the bowl forward and puts her spoon in it. “Why don't you tell him?”
She gets a strangled chuckle out of Alhaitham. He can still hear Kaveh's voice musing over a story. “Could I?”
“If you can't, he won't.” Captain Beidou leans back on her seat. Someone quickly fetches her empty bowl. “I made him work like a horse and he still says he's indebted to me. You know he won't.”
Alhaitham silently keeps eating his soup. “Do you think he'd be happier if I couldn't?”
Captain Beidou laughs, the full weight of her body swinging back with the chair. The restaurant falls silent for a moment before everyone realizes she isn't laughing out of offense. She then slaps a hand over Alhaitham’s shoulder. “Listen, I've seen enough sailors come back home. Shit, I've had that same fog over my head too. It… you’re one for words,” She pulls back and scratches her chin. “His feet hit the ground, but he didn't arrive until he saw you. I know that feeling. I knew it on his face.”
Alhaitham looks at her. He sees Kaveh through her eyes: his restless work, his dangerous kindness, his eyes and his smile. She cares for him, he can tell; she knows anyone would be hard pressed not to.
“Don’t mess it up.” Her eyes focus on the table for a long second. “If you get scared, you will. Get your head outta your ass. Tell him.”
Alhaitham nods, just once, and pushes his empty bowl forward.
“Anyway, I got someone to go home to,” She says as she swipes crumbs off of her chest. “We're all going to the light show at night. You're coming.”
“Where?” Alhaitham says as he also puts himself together.
Captain Beidou laughs. “I guess you'll follow your heart there, huh?”
She storms out. Alhaitham's head whips around to follow her and the crew who whistles and cheers at her departure. Someone raises a glass at her, she chugs it and hands it back. Her steps get infinitely larger as she makes her way home.
Kaveh looks at him.
His cheeks are slightly flushed with alcohol. He twirls a napkin around his fingers and Alhaitham knows he's making a flower. His feather is behind his ear again. Alhaitham knows he's home.
They both get up at the same time, yet Kaveh is held back by promises to be “there” and not to ditch them. His arms tangle with others, he declines a shot, he gathers his things. His free hand curls around Alhaitham's cloak. His steps don't carry the clumsiness of alcohol, and he finally steps out of the restaurant, pulling Alhaitham behind.
When they stop so Kaveh can put on his cloak, Alhaitham doesn’t think twice before his hands find Kaveh's hair clips.
“We need to get you new ones.” Is all he says against Kaveh's blank face. When his statement sinks, Kaveh pouts.
“I like these ones.”
“They don't work anymore.” Alhaitham laboriously traps strands of hair between the clasps and Kaveh's head.
“They still look okay.”
“They do,” Alhaitham brushes off dust he cannot see off of Kaveh's shoulders. “Come on, we'll get you new ones.”
They peruse the shops of Liyue in search for hair clips that are to Kaveh's taste. Alhaitham helps by holding handfuls of them to Kaveh's face in the mirror. He doesn't even have to convince Kaveh to replace them, he just takes an old one out as they make a purchase and slides a new one through without a word. The old ones find their place in Alhaitham’s inner pocket.
He learns that the new scar is courtesy of Kaveh's struggle through sailor duties. He places names to the friends Kaveh has made. He listens to his gripes and joys over his work in Inazuma. He talks about Tighnari and Cyno, tells Kaveh of what he missed in Sumeru. He stops Kaveh from buying architecture books when he learns of Collei’s slight interest in Kshahrewar in his absence. While Kaveh is busy browsing through trinkets, he buys books about Liyue’s architecture and gets them wrapped in paper.
Their hands are full of bags within bags when the sun starts to set, and they stand near a quiet shop that seems to be selling decorations.
Kaveh's eyes get stuck on a miniature of the Jade Chamber with its stylized foils and dangling bits of crystal. Alhaitham can tell Kaveh is not leaving without buying it.
“What are you going to do, hang it up in the inn?”
Kaveh pouts as he shifts his bags to take out mora. “No, it's for home! The study is a bit dull, we need something over the corner.”
Alhaitham waits outside with extra bags in his hands as Kaveh haggles with the shopkeeper. It'll look good, he thinks. Kaveh picked it for his home, after all.
After also fetching Kaveh's luggage from the ship, they drop their stuff at the inn. Kaveh doesn’t try to sort the things they bought, he doesn't complain about the inn being a little too luxurious for his budget. They enter the same room, drop off their stuff and immediately head out with Kaveh's insistence.
“We don't need to worry about space, but all the good lights will be out.” He says as he tugs on Alhaitham's cloak. “Move faster, we're gonna miss it!”
Alhaitham lets himself be dragged. He learns what the “lights” are when they arrive in haste and almost tackle a vendor. They are sticks in different sizes and colors, mostly some type of wood, with a string attached to a lamp in the shape of a lotus. They resemble the ones on the water that rest around the walkway. Kaveh selects and buys two, along with two other lights that lack the stick but seem to be semi-balanced with a sturdier wire supporting the light. Alhaitham picks out someone selling smaller lights attached to jewelry, and drags Kaveh to buy a red light necklace for him while trying to decide on one for himself.
“That one,” Kaveh points to the vendor's arm full of bracelets with one hand while putting on his necklace. “Not the purple— have you no taste? The white one, yeah, that!”
Kaveh easily finds the crew on the walkway, chatting around with snacks and drinks in their hands. The muscly woman —Jeda, Alhaitham remembers— briefly sizes him up before she is wrapped up in a hug by Kaveh.
They are closer than Alhaitham had initially thought, he realizes. Kaveh is truly comfortable around them in a way that seems alien to Alhaitham. As much as people know Kaveh as a social butterfly, they know not of the quiet doubtful spirals he traps himself into. A share of true burdens is a liability, too much investment eventually leads to ruin, every hope sparked from a passionate conversation ends in despair. Yet with them, Kaveh seems to forget: his hands reach out to hug a sailor’s wife with no hesitation.
Alhaitham has been thinking of how much love is described in books, inevitably, with the way his confession is stewing on his tongue. Yet the joy in seeing Kaveh, independent from him, blooming in his person… He can recall no words, he can find no tricks of the tongue. Kaveh is happy, and that alone is enough to bring him to tears.
He feels a tap on his knee as Kaveh is deep in conversation with the wife. He looks down to see the top of a girl’s head, her hand still shyly clutching his pants. He leans down to come face to face with her and after a few more sways of embarrassment, she holds out a small cluster of lights tied to a string.
Alhaitham takes it, examines the few that seem to be out and the others that are too dim. “I can untangle this for you, but I don't know anything about the lights.”
If the girl is content with that, she doesn't say: she twirls the skirt of her dress around one finger and gazes at the water. Alhaitham quietly works to free the knots until Kaveh notices his absence from the conversation and walks over. “What are you doing on the ground?”
“Her lights,” Alhaitham nods his head in the girl’s direction from where he's sitting. “I can't do anything about the ones that are out.”
“Well, I can give it a go.” Kaveh sits down on the ground beside him. Alhaitham hands him an end of the wire and tries to neatly fold the rest as Kaveh works. “Let's see, it's gotta be a parallel circuit…”
Kaveh not only fixes the lights, but he sculpts the loose wire in the shape of a crown. The girl walks over as he’s tucking the wires, the awe reflected in her eyes. “Can I really have it?”
“Of course!” He motions for the girl to kneel and places the crown on top of her head. “Now you're a princess. Let me know if it breaks down, okay?”
The girl rises ever so gently, eyes trained upward as if she can see her own head. Her family compliments the crown, urging her to thank them. Kaveh accepts the shy words with a smile, picks up their lights and reaches a hand out for Alhaitham. “Come on, let's find our spot.”
After much discussion, they end up near the bridge that overlooks the harbor. It also has a clear view of the walkway, Kaveh reasons, and it is a bit further away from the families that choose to crowd near the artificial ponds.
Just as they situate themselves, the street lights dim.
Everyone gasps in excitement, raising their lights and dangling their sticks over the water. Kaveh hastily shoves Alhaitham’s lights to his hand and they follow suit. As he catches on to the fact that everyone is looking up, Alhaitham realizes he has no idea what's supposed to be happening.
A few seconds later, the first handful of petals drop.
They seem to be glowing— a light pink and a crimson red, flowing gently through the air. Alhaitham hears a child giggle as he feels Kaveh's hand tap his forearm and point. They seem to be coming from the direction of the Jade Chamber. People welcome the glowing petals (likely infused with Dendro right before they are thrown) with shakes of their lights, waving and catching handfuls of them as they increase in volume.
“It’s silk flowers that are near wilting or unsuitable for production and commerce in some way or other,” Kaveh whispers. “Silk flowers are too fragrant for compost and hard to get rid of without a Dendro vision. I know you're thinking about the waste.”
Alhaitham catches a few petals making their home in Kaveh's hair, with the light that is reflected off of them. “No. I wasn't thinking of that at all.”
They stay in silence for a bit, gently waving their lights. The petals start to be too much for the fish to eat and the walkway lights up with their clusters, reflected off of the water and dancing along the walls.
“It’s beautiful.” Alhaitham whispers. Kaveh nods. Alhaitham looks at him under a thousand lights. “You're beautiful.”
Kaveh's hand stills and he looks up to Alhaitham. He can't read if it's shock— disappointment, maybe, or fear that's on his face. “Thank you.”
“I was thinking of what to say all day,” Alhaitham says. His only fear is Kaveh pulling back. Even if he does, it will be worth it. “I couldn't find any words but those ones.”
“You ran out of words?” Kaveh scoffs. “Oh my, the world truly might be ending.”
“It might,” Alhaitham shrugs and looks at the wire between his fingers. “I wouldn't mind it, I think.”
Kaveh's hand cups Alhaitham’s cheek and angles it towards himself. “I would,” He takes a breath as if he's running out of them. “I would really like it if you kissed me, now.”
“Me too.” Alhaitam says.
He doesn't need any more words.
Alhaitham feels Kaveh's heartbeat through his lips. He's warm and he's gentle. They both are, with each other. The petals fall around them in flashes, the people wave and the wind breathes. So does Kaveh, after parting from his lips, directly onto Alhaitham’s face. It smells of the fresh candy they've had while browsing the shops.
“I was really afraid you would leave for Inazuma.”
Kaveh pulls back and laughs. “For what?”
Alhaitham isn't laughing. “I was afraid every time you left. I was always afraid you'd find a new home.”
Kaveh's laugh falters into a gentle smile. “You told me that, when you were drunk.”
“I was so… eloquent?”
“You might have asked me to not fuck Ayato,” Kaveh says, eyebrow raised in mirth. “I was under strict instructions not to marry him either.”
Alhaitham feels the shame bundle up at the back of his throat, but he has the mind to keep up with Kaveh. “I hope you listened, or else it'll be a very interesting divorce.”
Kaveh laughs again, head thrown back. “What do you have that Ayato doesn't?”
“I'm sure Lord Ayato is a very capable provider,” Alhaitham says. Kaveh's casual way of addressing the clan head isn't going unnoticed. “But I have the keys to your home.”
“You do,” Kaveh says as he holds his hand. “Bastard.”
Let the ones who got to fool around with Kaveh count themselves lucky.
Kaveh drags them to the ledge and sits them down, still facing the walkway. As soon as Alhaitham is seated against the railings, Kaveh's head is on his shoulder. “I'm scared, Haitham.”
Alhaitham reaches his hand to support Kaveh's back. Unless Kaveh pushes him back, he will reach for him whenever he can. “Of?”
“Change,” Kaveh whispers. He clears his throat. “I've been afraid of the burdens I would put on your shoulders. That's… gone now, I think.”
Alhaitham nudges Kaveh's head with a bump of his shoulder. “I think it offensive for you to deem me so weak.”
“I gathered so.” Kaveh sighs. “It is still change. You don't like it either.”
Alhaitham looks at the patchwork of Kaveh's face from the very edges of his vision. He looks at the dimmed petals in his hair, the new hairpins against his braids. He picks out the teal feather he bought while Kaveh wasn't looking and tucks it behind his ear. “I wouldn't be opposed to compromise.”
“I called it ‘your house’.” Kaveh buries his head in his arms. “I'm an idiot.”
“I don't believe so.” Alhaitam says, bumping his shoulder again to get Kaveh to raise his head up and look at him. “It was hurtful.”
“Don’t say that, I'll cry.” Kaveh looks at him, eyes completely devoid of tears.
“Don’t try to joke over it, I'm quite serious.” Alhaitham looks away for a moment— Kaveh's eyes are a lot . “I know we were never supposed to vocalize it, but I didn't realize just how much I could lose until you almost took it away from me. I don't like it.”
“I wouldn't be taking anything away,” Kaveh nudges his foot. “Plenty of fish in the sea and all that.”
“You're still doing it.”
“Sorry.” Kaveh huffs and looks up at the fading petals in the sky. “I guess distance just didn't fix me.”
“You and your archon forsaken engineer tendencies,” Alhaitham slaps a hand over his face. “Stop it. There are no checklists. Nothing to be ‘fixed’. It's a process. It will always be a process.”
“Constant change.” Kaveh says. Alhaitham almost misses it in the crowd. “Do you think I don't know the basics of mental recovery? Don't lecture me. I've been through it in my head, over and over again. When do you get tired of compromising the one thing you want in life? When does the desire for a comfortable life triumph over a relationship that has already ended once?”
“You're still doing the same thing.” Alhaitham looks up at the sky. It's not often he gets angry somewhere people other than Kaveh can see him. “You look at it as your problem, as if I don't have any. As if I don't need to change if I am to live the life I want. We don't need to ‘fix you’ so it'll all work out. It's a group project, senior. You should know I don't put my name on things I don't trust.”
The silence hangs between them. It's uncomfortable, yet familiar. It lets Alhaitham cool down. He won't try to fill in the void. Kaveh deserves to think.
“I'll try.” Kaveh says, after about a couple more minutes. “The first couple days in Inazuma were terrifying. I wanted to go home and hear you pick at my decisions so I wouldn't have to do it in my head. I realized then, despite how cruel people think we can be to each other, that I am much more cruel to myself. That I used the bickering we cherish as a tool to hurt myself. That I didn't want to think of you as a replacement to my own insecurities.”
“That is a rational line of thinking.”
“I was happy, Alhaitham.” Kaveh looks at him. He can catch a few tears forming in his eyes. “I realized one day that I was happy, I felt complete, and you weren't there. That you left, like everyone should, and it was how it was meant to be.”
Alhaitham swallows over the sting in his chest.
“But after looking at the back of your stupid head while you ate soup, I still wanted you to be there. The need for you to be cruel to me wasn't there, but I still wanted you to be there. With me. If I could afford to be a little selfish.”
Kaveh doesn’t cry often. Alhaitham doesn’t get angry often. And yet they sit.
“So I want this, whatever it may continue to be,” Kaveh says after smothering his tears back into his eyes. “But not as it has been. I will not live a day without bickering with you over one thing or other, but I can't see you as a cruel extension of myself anymore. I'm done.”
“I'm glad.” Alhaitham pulls Kaveh to himself. “If I could ask for one thing from you, it would be to try, as I will. We're pretty capable, it should be no issue.”
They watch until the petals completely stop falling down. The festivities continue around them, and eventually they do get the attention of Kaveh's bored friends.
Kaveh gets up, picks up his lights, dusts off his pants. He then reaches a hand towards Alhaitham. “Come with me?”
Alhaitham holds it, careful not to let Kaveh pull his weight too much, as he's already strained his hand enough with the boxes. “Sure.”
It might not be perfect, but it will always be enough, Alhaitham thinks.