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“You don’t need me anymore,” he whispered sadly. He’d known it all this time, but that didn’t make it hurt any less—didn’t stop him from tightening his grip around Ladybug and burying his head in the crook of her spotted shoulder. “It’s okay, Ladybug. I understand.”
“No!” she cried, bringing her hands up to his chest. “You don’t understand. That’s the problem!”
“Then help me to!” he shot back, pulling away to see the tears brimming inside her bluebell eyes.
She had no right to be crying right now. If anyone should’ve been allotted that privilege, it was him.
Chat Noir was the one being screwed over here. All that talk about We’re a team and You and me against the world—It was all just bullshit made up to keep him in his place until someone better came along.
Which they had. More than a dozen of them.
Ladybug shut her eyes, clenching her fists where they rested on his chest. Soft hiccups could be heard as she bowed her head, sniffling. Chat Noir wished he knew what she was thinking.
Lately, it was like she always managed to find a way around being with him. She’d been keeping him out of fights; telling him to stay out of the way; snapping at him under the tiniest bit of pressure. It was unlike her, and it drove him mad that she refused to talk to him about it!
Why didn’t she trust him anymore?
“I can’t,” Ladybug said, and for a moment he thought she meant that she couldn’t trust him, before he remembered what she was really replying to. “It's too dangerous, Chat Noir.”
He scoffed and rolled his eyes. Like he hadn’t heard that before. “That’s your answer to everything,” he said bitterly. “It’s too dangerous for us to know each other’s identities and yet, someone else has somehow earned that privilege over me. It’s too dangerous for me to know the other holders’ identities. It was too dangerous for me to know about Master Fu. And now, it’s too dangerous for you to tell me why you no longer trust me?”
He brushed her hands off of him, and he swore he could almost feel the rift being torn between them—rattling his bones and tearing a hole inside his heart. “But I guess you never really did, huh?”
He tore his face away from her. He couldn’t bear to see the pain in her eyes as his words settled in.
Not that she doesn’t deserve it, his brain supplied cruelly.
His voice was low, coming out barely above a whisper. “Otherwise, you would’ve confided in me instead of anyone else. You would’ve come to me first before entrusting your miraculous with someone else, leaving me to wonder if I could trust them or if I’d ever see you again. You would’ve kept me in the loop instead of lying and keeping me in the dark about everything. We’re supposed to be partners!”
“Chat Noir, please. It’s—It’s not like that!” Ladybug cried, reaching for his hand.
He pulled it out of reach before she could grab it. When he turned to face her, she pulled her hand back and folded her arms over her chest—almost like she was protecting herself. The red tint of her face disappeared beneath her mask, her face flushed from crying; and her tears flowed down her cheeks in rivulets.
“I do trust you. I trust you with my life, chaton.” Normally, hearing her call him that would make his heart flutter. But now, the pet name sent a stabbing pain coursing through his chest; it sounded wrong falling from her lips. “But there are things you don’t know—”
“Because you won’t tell me!” he said, his tone sounding loud and harsher than he intended; but he was too angry to care. God, it was like he was running around in circles with her! “I’ve only ever been honest with you, Ladybug. About my feelings, about my fears, about when you’re acting irrationally and need to take a minute to ground yourself—I’ve been honest and upfront about everything, because I believed we were a team who had each other’s backs.”
He let out a drawn out sigh and hung his head. “But we’re not. We never were. It’s just Ladybug and her disposable sidekick.” Closing his eyes, he pinched the bridge of his nose and lowered his voice, coming back to himself a bit. “You know you once told me that I'm irreplaceable.” He opened his eyes. “Do you remember that?”
Ladybug just stared blankly at him, looking like she was one word away from falling to her knees. In lieu of an answer, she pulled her trembling lip in between her teeth.
“Well, I do,” he said wistfully. “And I guess that’s why it hurts so much to have to watch every other holder be called in to fight a single akuma when we’ve defeated countless on our own. Now, I’m just left on the sidelines.”
Discarded. Forgotten. Unneeded. Replaced.
“You know what? It doesn’t matter.”
He turned with the intention of walking away but a hand reached out to grip his. This time, he let Ladybug wrap her fingers around his to pull him back. “I’m so sorry, Chat Noir. I never meant to hurt you,” she said, her voice small and broken—much like how his heart felt right now. “It’s just… ”
“Just what, Ladybug?” he prompted quietly without looking at her.
Which was painful in itself. He’d give anything to stare into those beautiful eyes of hers. To wipe away her tears and tell her it would all be okay. But the truth was, he wasn’t sure if it would be okay.
If they would be.
This had been going on for weeks now. He felt like there wasn’t much left he could do if she didn’t just open and tell him what the problem was. He couldn’t do this anymore. There was just too much going on in his life both as Chat Noir and as Adrien. His heart could only crack so many times before all that was left were splinters.
“We are a team, chaton,” Ladybug whispered, tearing his heart further with the way her voice cracked. “I’ve just been s-so scared of— of losing you. It’s all I can think about!”
Ladybug gripped his hand tighter, coaxing him to turn around. When he did, he was met with the sight of her watery, pleading eyes; and no matter how hurt and angry he was right now, he couldn’t help but pull her close and wrap her up in his arms, trying his best to shoulder some of her pain.
She burrowed her face in his chest, now sobbing into his suit. “You’re right,” she huffed in between hiccups. “I’ve been keeping you at a distance. I’ve been trying to keep you out of fights. But it’s not because I don’t trust you.”
She took a shuddering breath. Chat smoothed his hands along her back and up into her hair, gently combing through her bangs. “You’re the one person I trust the most, Chat Noir. I feel safe with you…” She paused. “But you’re not safe with me.”
“What?” He leaned back and cupped her jaw to lift her face, his voice soft. “Don’t say that. M’lady, you’ve saved my life more times than I can count. Of course I'm safe with you.”
Something dark flashed inside her eyes and she squeezed them shut for a moment before saying, “But what if I can’t? What if you end up hurt or…” Another hiccup; her voice now so quiet he would’ve had to strain to hear if it weren’t for his superpowers. “What if you got akumatized?”
“Akumatized?” he asked, taken aback. They’d discussed their plan of action if either of them were to fall victim to Shadow Moth dozens of times before. But neither of them had ever been too worried about it because, unlike most civilians, they had everything to lose if they didn’t keep their emotions in check.
But the idea of him becoming akumatized seemed to have a gravity to it, weighing her down. Ladybug slumped against him, fingers digging into the leather on his suit. He’d never seen her this distressed.
Which could be a good sign, as terrible as that sounded. It meant she was finally letting her walls back down around him. “What are you talking about?”
Ladybug, for her part, seemed to be immersed in her own thoughts. Chat Noir realized she was mumbling under her breath, but it was so jumbled that even his super-powered hearing couldn’t pick it up.
“M’lady?”
She came back to herself and wiped at her face. “If that happens and I mess up,” she said in a rush. “If i’m not enough to save you then—” she shuddered. “It’s why I can’t tell you things. And why we can’t know each other’s identities!”
“Woah, hey, slow down.”
“I can’t trust myself to keep you safe, Chat Noir. Because if I fail, it means the end of the world! Shadow Moth is relentless—”
“Ladybug, just brea—”
“And he’ll use us against each other. He won’t stop until there’s nothing left to save! That’s why I can’t love you and why it’s hard for me to be close to y—”
Her sentence stopped abruptly as she caught up with what she’d said.
As did Chat Noir’s heart.
She snapped her head up and stared at him with wide eyes. They seemed to stay suspended in time before he shook himself, finally finding his voice, which was barely discernible even inside his own ears. “Who said anything about love?”
“I…” Ladybug was at a loss for words. She floundered, her mouth opening and closing several times.
Chat Noir couldn’t help but focus on the way—“You said ‘can’t.’”
His voice seemed to break her out of her own stupor. “Because I can’t. You knew that already.”
“No.” He shook his head and realized they were still embracing, which suddenly felt too close; his face too warm. He pulled away, gently untangling his hands from where they were wrapped around her. “No, I knew that you didn’t love me,” he said. “Not that you couldn’t.”
“No, no. It’s—That’s not—”
But it was. He could tell by the way the apples of her cheeks glowed, softer than before. Instead of the glaring red flush that matched her mask, her face was now brightening to a pretty shade of rosy pink. Her eyes darted around frantically, landing on anything that wasn’t him. He could tell by the way she scuffled her feet against the ground. The little rhythm she tapped against her fingers.
Chat could hardly breathe as he tentatively clasped her hands, causing her to falter in her nervous movements. “M’lady,” he whispered. “What are you so afraid of?”
She looked deep into his eyes, tears still visible in her own, glistening against the visible fear swirling inside them. Quietly, she said, “Everything.”
Her voice cracked, then she was crying again. Even then, and despite his conflicted feelings, Chat Noir still thought she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever laid eyes on.
“Then let me help you. Please.” He lifted a hand to carefully catch her tears, and his stomach swooped when he heard her breath catch. “We’re a team. You just have to let me in again.”
He didn’t mean to, but his eyes flickered down to Ladybug’s lips then back again, and it was like an invisible string was pulling him closer to her. He leaned forward slowly, barely aware he was doing it until he felt the air stir between their faces. Felt the pressure on his hand increase.
He could do it. He could finally kiss her.
Their hands were still entwined. Their lips were so close.
His heart was close to beating out of his chest, he was sure of it. The rift torn between them seemed to stitch itself back up, planting roses that bloomed between the cracks in his heart.
Ladybug tilted her head up as he inched closer.
He was going to do it. After all this time, he was finally going to kiss her.
Right as their lips were about to brush, he caught sight of her squeezing her eyes shut and pulling away slightly, and realized—
He couldn’t do this.
“I’m sorry,” Chat Noir breathed, and let go of her completely, shaking his head.
He didn’t miss the way she blinked up at him with an emotion he couldn’t quite place. He turned away again. He had to leave before he ruined everything.
But then he was being tugged backwards by a strong grip on his hand and into the waiting arms of his lady. Their lips crashed together with a force that bordered on desperation.
Her lips slid against his for only a moment before his brain started working again, and he eagerly reciprocated. His hands found the small of her back, pulling her closer until there was hardly room for air between them.
Kissing Ladybug was simultaneously everything and nothing like what he expected. Her lips were soft, warm, and pliable against his own, just like he’d always imagined them to be. But the fire burning in his veins was unexpected.
It started as a gentle glow inside his chest, then quickly ignited into a raging wildfire that could only be tamed by running his hands along her body, up to play with the cute little ribbons in her hair. She sighed against him and slid her own hands behind his neck before pulling back for air.
He was met with the dazzling blue of her eyes, which bored warmly into his. They didn’t speak at first; they just shared the moment together.
Chat Noir brought his hand up to stroke her cheek lovingly, his voice quiet. “Did that help?”
Ladybug gave a soft laugh that made his heart swell. “I think so,” she said with a smile, before her gaze turned more serious. “I have a lot to tell you.”
“And I’ll be right here to listen.” He kissed her forehead gently. “It’ll be okay.”
They would be okay.