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Living with Sand is nice, and Nick being his roommate just made everything better, it is like everything comes alive when they are there to fill the small apartment with little movements and sounds. But now, sitting in the apartment void of life, Ray once again feels like an outsider, like someone who is poaching their attention and care, even though he knows that is not the case. Although he knows that is not how they see him, he can not help but see himself like that; like something sucking the life force out of them with his neediness and alcoholic tendencies - never mind the fact that they repeatedly tell him that he is not a burden.
It is easier to pretend to not struggle when one of them is there to spend time with him, compared to when he is all alone. But it is not always possible for them to be home, and Ray will not demand that of either one of them when he is already taking so much from them, having practically moved into the apartment, and Sand and Nick cutting down on drinking and bar visits to show their support, his protests falling on deaf ears.
Ray learns early on that it is worse being all alone in an apartment usually so full of life, than it is being at the mansion he once called home, before knowing what a home would actually feel like.
This day is one of those days where the silence creeps up your back unnoticed continuing until it tightens around the throat; making it harder to breathe.
Both Sand and Nick went out a couple of hours ago, and Ray? Well Ray was feeling pretty lonely.
Making sure he has his keys, Ray leaves the apartment for a walk - a recommendation from his psychiatrist - before the frustrations manage to get the better of himself.
His psychiatrist would be proud of him if she knew he was doing something not entailing alcohol or drugs to make his frustrations wane. He thinks to himself while chuckling.
Walking the familiar streets surrounding the apartment gives way to a sense of calm that he now rarely feels in the absence of Sand - what he used to feel with Mew before their friendship became tainted - his boyfriend having an uncanny ability to make Ray stay in the present time, instead of in his head.
Being lost in thoughts he rounds a corner, not feeling anything amiss until he notices a crouched figure partly obscured by an overflowing dumpster, with a white plastic bag - like those from the convenience store - laying forgotten next to them. Then he sees the tiny kitten, small and dirty with its hackles raised at the figure - the man - who has a hand stretched towards it. It is obviously not happy with the huge figure looming over it, so taking pity on the small thing he carefully approaches the man, noticing the frustrated line in his back at not succeeding in what seems to be feeding the kitten.
His shadows, now visible on the ground, makes two pairs of eyes shift to him; the kitten now seeing him as the bigger threat while the man's bespeckled eyes follows him with a curious glint to them as Ray comes near with slow, stretched out movements.
Crouching down next to the stranger, Ray makes brief eye contact before casting a quick glance down to the stranger's hand and snorts incredulously at what he sees. ”If you want the kitten to eat that, you should open the bag - it can’t open it itself you know?” He murmurs amusedly with a twitch to his lips, and watches how the stranger blushes in embarrassment.
Ray grabs a hold of the bag, over the other’s hand and makes eye contact before softly bringing the other hand over to tear the top part of it off, watching the stranger’s eyes briefly flickering down to their hands before looking away with a dust of pink on his cheeks.
Ray huffs, amused, “there you go,” he whispers, before continuing with: “now you can pour some of it on the ground so it can eat it,” as his eyes form crescents before letting go of the bag of cat fodder and winding his arms around his legs.
When the seconds begin to stretch he turns his head, and upon finding the stranger just looking at him, he nods towards the kitten. This seems to bring the guy out of his daze, as he hurriedly moves his eyes back towards the kitten before he stretches the arm, turning the bag on its head and emptying it on the ground.
They sit in comfortable silence for a while, simply watching the kitten eat with the vigor of something used to starving.
Right when Ray is about to get up and head home the stranger breaks the silence that permeated the air between them with a sorry.
“I’m Sun,” the guy, Sun, continues quickly, quietly so as to not disturb the cat, before looking into his eyes.
”Ray.” He answers with a wai and a subtle smile.
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He was not aware of when it started. When Ray began pulling away from him, talking more with someone on the other side of the phone than with him.
Sometimes, when Sand got home early after a night playing at Yo’s, he would return to an empty apartment, Ray nowhere to be seen.
Looking back, maybe that was when he started noticing it.
Ray would enter the room with a laugh on his lips and a smile in his eyes that would only widen at seeing Sand sitting on the couch, and even though he tried not to, Sand could not help but jump to conclusions. It was like his subconsciousness had a mind of its own, with the one purpose of filling his head with negativity.
Thoughts like ‘He’s cheating on you’ and ‘He’s getting bored of you’ were making it harder for him to go to sleep in the evening or even just leaving Ray alone while he, himself, went to work, scared he would come home to an apartment void of Ray, to find out that he had left him for someone else, someone better.
And no matter how much he rationalizes and argues with himself, he can not stop the thoughts from emerging, can not stop the gnawing feeling that something is about to snap and upend his life in a way he would not know how to fix, and that one thought terrifies him more than he can ever say.
Ray is sleeping on the couch, phone in hand, when Sand comes home, looking extremely comfortable on the old thing, and really, it is surprising that it is still in working condition after all it has experienced during Sands ownership of it.
He stands there for a while, simply staring at his boyfriend and how adorable he looks snuggled into the cushions, a crochet blanket laying partly on him, partly on the floor. Sand admires the way Ray has become so much more comfortable being in his space since their first meeting; no longer feeling like an intruder, but as someone who should always be there.
Walking over, Sand crouches down next to Ray's head, gazing down at him with a besotted smile on his face. Suddenly he’s glad that Nick is out, otherwise he would tease Sand for his heart-eyes.
He raises a hand and starts softly carding it through Rays hair, newly washed, with Sands shampoo, by the smell of it, and his smile just becomes wider, eyes overflowing with love for his sleeping boyfriend.
Ding!
The calm atmosphere is disrupted by the sound of a message, and Sand can feel his smile straining at the sound, the cause of his recent insecurities and sleepless nights. He knows, in the back of his mind, that it is nothing, that it is just a friend - like Ray has repeated several times. But his mind wanders, focuses, and his eyes land on a vase of sunflowers starting to wither.
’It’s P’Sun, he’s asking if we can hang out today.’
’P’Sun is picking me up after class tomorrow - I promised I’d go with him somewhere’.
’Ahhh those? P’Sun brought them, he’s a bit weird huh, I mean, who gives people sunflowers?’
He knows he should just ask, that Ray would do his best to quell his insecurities if he knew they were there, lurking under the surface. But he could not, not when Ray seems to be doing so much better lately.
He fears this P’Sun might have something to do with it, and fears even more what that might mean for them.
He should not. He knows it would be a breach of trust between them, but it is like his hand has a mind of its own; moving towards the phone laying loosely in Ray's hand. He grabs it with quick fingers, knuckles turning white with his hold on it.
He does not open the phone, there is no need to as the messages blare up at him from the lock-screen, searing themselves into his memory so strongly he has no chance of forgetting them. Feeling the knots forming in his gut he places the phone on the table before softly putting his hand on Ray’s shoulder to wake him up.
Ray blinks wearily up at him, eyes bleary as they adjust to the dim light of the apartment, squinting slightly as he sits up to come into eye height with Sand: despite the fact that he can barely keep his eyes open because of his heavy eyelids.
”Sand?” He asks groggily, leaning forward for a kiss that Sand readily gives him.
”Yeah, it’s me ter,” he answers softly. “Let’s go to bed hmm?”
Sand gets up off the floor and stretches his hand out towards Ray, who takes it clumsily, eyes already closed as he pulls himself up to fall into Sand.
Laying in bed, Sand could not help but look over at the sleeping figure curled into him, leeching on his body heat. No matter how hard he tries, he can not stop the ugly feelings from roaring their heads, yelling at him that Ray is disappearing from right under his nose, and that there is nothing he can do to stop it, just like last time.
He thinks back to the messages he saw and is overwhelmed with nausea at the thought of what Sun wants to do with his Ray.