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It wasn't Buck's fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. They were working as fast and as safely as they possibly could. But Buck wasn't even two feet from her, ready to take the last step and get the sling over her when her rope snapped. He lunged, grabbing for her hands, her arm, something anything, but she fell. And suddenly it was a recovery, not a rescue.
They'd had a remarkably smooth shift before they were called to the climbing emergency. A solo climber slipped and hit the cliff face a few times, damaging her right hand before her rope caught her.
It must have pulled tight against a sharp bit of rock because by the time they got there, it wasn't safe to use to pull her up, so they had to go down. Buck went. He was talking to her the whole time, reassuring her.
He wasn't sure he'd ever forget the sound of her scream as she fell.
Hannah. Her name was Hannah.
Eddie had his hands on him as soon as his feet were on the ground again.
"I'm fine," Buck said.
Eddie gripped his shoulders. "Buck."
Buck shrugged away from him, stepping around him so he could start to strip off the gear. "I'm fine. It happens."
Hen hovered. Even Chim.
When they finally got back to the station, Bobby stopped him. "Kid," he said, his voice gentle. "That wasn't your fault. You did everything you were supposed to do."
"Who climbs solo at sunrise?" Buck had asked when they pulled up on the scene. Barely an hour of daylight. It hadn't even been that long since. Their shift was over as soon as they rolled back into the firehouse.
"I know," Buck said, looking at Bobby's ear, his hairline, his eyebrows, anywhere but his eyes. "I'm fine. Tired. Ready to go home."
Bobby held his shoulders, kept him there for a few long seconds, then released him. "Get some sleep."
"Keys," Eddie said in the locker room. He held out his hand. "I'm driving."
Buck gritted his teeth. "Eddie, I'm fine."
"Okay, and? I'm driving. Give me your keys." Eddie nudged him with his index finger.
Buck huffed, grabbing his keys from the locker and dropping them into Eddie's hand. He turned away to change, less because he didn't want Eddie to see him undressed. Eddie, his partner, his best friend, his daddy, the absolute love of his life had seen him bare a thousand times over at this point. Buck didn't want him to see the way his hands shook.
He was quick to change and didn't wait, slung his bag over his shoulder, and walked out toward the parking lot. He leaned against the side of his jeep, and climbed in as soon as it was unlocked, buckling his seat belt.
"Are you hungry?" Eddie asked as he slid into the driver's seat.
Buck leaned his head against the window. "Not really, no."
Eddie didn't push it. He reached out and rested his hand on Buck's thigh as he drove, but stayed quiet. Buck was both glad for it and hated it. He didn't want to talk about what happened. He didn't want all the checking in and the looks; he was fine. He did want things to feel normal. He wanted to laugh with his love. He wanted to chat. But he also couldn't make his mouth work for the words to come out. So he closed his eyes and left his head against the window for the entire trip home.
Buck toed his shoes off by the door and went straight for the bedroom. Sleep. All he needed was sleep. Everything would feel better when he'd slept.
Eddie was in the kitchen. Buck could hear the closing of cabinets. He'd come to bed soon. Carla had been with Christopher, gotten him ready, and taken him to school. They didn't have to worry about anything until pick up.
Sleep. Buck just needed to sleep.
Except he couldn't get the buttons of his shirt out of their stupid little holes. His hands shook. He tried and tried until he wanted to scream. He wanted to take the shirt and rip it open, buttons be damned! But he liked this shirt. Eddie bought him this shirt. Always kissed him a few more times when he wore it. Not that Buck was exactly lacking in kisses in his life, but he didn't want to ruin his shirt! He tried again to get the button through the hole, but he couldn't stop shaking, and the more times he tried the harder it became.
It was too much. It was all too much. The buttons. The looks from his whole team on the way back to the firehouse. Hannah's scream as she fell.
He wasn't okay.
Buck sat down in the middle of his timeout rug, pulled his knees to his chest, and cried.
He cried, and he cried.
"Sweetheart?"
Eddie was kneeling in front of him when he lifted his head.
A sob shook through Buck's body. "Everything is bad, Daddy."
Eddie nodded. "What happened today was really hard. Can I hold you, baby?" He sat, stretching his legs out in front of him, and held out his arms.
Buck crawled forward and collapsed in his arms, clinging to him, hiding his face against Eddie's shirt as he cried.
Eddie just held him. He rubbed his back. He pressed kisses to the top of his head. "I love you so much," he whispered.
Buck cried until he felt all cried out. He rolled over in Eddie's arms, sliding down and laying mostly on the floor with his head in his lap. He rubbed at his eyes. He was tired, his head hurt from all the crying, and everything just felt so bad. It was too much. All of it. Too much.
Eddie combed his fingers gently through Buck's hair. "How about we get ready to sleep, huh?"
Buck sniffed. "Can'get my buttons." He tugged at the front of his shirt. "Too hard."
"Let Daddy do it, Roo baby. I'll help you get ready for bed, and we can get all your friends. Then I can read you a story."
Buck rubbed his eyes. "Daddy do it?"
Eddie leaned down and kissed his forehead. "Yeah, baby. Just let me worry about everything, okay?"
Buck let himself be moved so Eddie could stand. He was pliant as he was pulled to his feet and carefully undressed, then redressed in a big, comfy t-shirt.
Buck leaned against Eddie as he brushed his teeth, and even suffered through having his face wiped after without any of his usual reluctance.
When he was in bed, all his friends tucked in around him, he watched Eddie walk to the closet to look at their small collection of books. "Daddy?"
"Yeah, Roo?" Eddie replied.
"Can we read Corduroy?"
Eddie pulled the book from their stack and closed the closet. "That's a good choice."
He settled in bed next to Buck and opened the book so he could see the pictures.
When the book was finished, Buck was tired, but not asleep. He shifted so he could look at Eddie.
"Daddy," Buck whispered.
"Roo?"
Buck curled his fingers into Eddie's shirt. "Daddy, I wanted to save her."
Eddie let out a breath. He wrapped his arm around Buck's waist and pulled him closer. "I know, baby. But you did everything you were supposed to do. It wasn't your fault."
"Why does it feel like it is?" Buck asked.
Eddie let out a soft sigh. "I don't have a good answer for you, Roo. I know you wanted to save her. I know you did your best. But we always want to save everybody, and sometimes we can't. And it hurts a lot."
Buck sniffed. "A lot a lot."
"I wish I could take all that hurt away," Eddie murmured. He curled his fingers through Buck's hair and kissed his forehead again.
Buck didn't want to cry more. He didn't want to feel like this. He wanted Daddy to fix everything. But even being in bed cuddled up with his daddy and his stuffed friends didn't make everything better. And he couldn't keep the tears back.
"Oh, sweetheart," Eddie said, just pulling him closer. "I've got you, Roo. I've got you."
And Buck knew that was true. His daddy had him always. So he gave into it all, buried his face against Eddie's chest, and cried himself to sleep.