Engineer creates mobile phones & Scout becomes an iPad kid

by UpInFlamesWriting

Summary:

On a boring summer's day, when most of the team was down in Tuefort & the only thing on TV were reruns of soap operas, Engineer broke the comm device he used in battle.
From that spawned many nights of toil, sweat, & tears, & a number of creative swears, as the faithful Engineer of RED team created...
The first machine capable of sending text messages!
From then on, everything was smooth sailing. Or so the RED team thought, as someone on the team has been keeping secrets, & it's no longer just fun & games at the RED base.

Notes:

The weird numbered names will only be present in the first chapter (more or less), but if you want a guide, the last number of the entire sequence corresponds to the order of the mercs when choosing a class. So 1 = Scout, 9 = Spy, etc. The rest of the code is just the year they started working (1967) whether they are RED or BLU (RB/BR), the generation of mercs they are a part of (the 3rd generation according to the comics), & their class number (01-09).

Chapter 1: Doc's an old man & Heavy invents emoticons

Notes:

I'm not gonna fix Sniper's emoticons, I know they're probably all over the place but I don't care, it took me way too long to even make them line up in the first place.

1967-RB-306: Hi, folks!

1967-RB-301: sup! 

1967-RB-301: wait wys our names all numbers & shit

1967-RB-306: I'm still working on that, don't you worry!

1967-RB-307: HELLO, ENGINEER! HELLO, SCOUT! 

1967-RB-301: hi solly

1967-RB-307: I'M NOT SOLDIER. I'M THE MEDIC.

1967-RB-306: Why are you yelling, doc?

1967-RB-307: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWITCH THE CAPITAL LETTERS OFF.

1967-RB-305: iu hgelkppl fdkotror

1967-RB-308: Bloody hell is that a bot

1967-RB-308: This is Sniper by the way

1967-RB-305: njotr bnoit

1967-RB-307: THAT IS HEAVY. HIS FINGERS ARE TOO BIG FOR THE KEYBOARD.

1967-RB-306: Darn. I'll get on that after I help the doc switch off capslock

1967-RB-301: or just teech him how to use this thing

1967-RB-302: HELLO!

1967-RB-301: still having problems with the capslock doc

1967-RB-301: ?

1967-RB-302: IM NOT DOC! IM WRITING IN BIG LETTERS BECAUSE I AM SHOUTING SO THAT YOU MAGGOTS HEAR ME PROPERLY!

1967-RB-301: oh hi solly

1967-RB-304: Jane i told you that the lads cannae hear it when you type. You have tae still talk intae it

1967-RB-301: man demo wy are u writing ur accent out?

1967-RB-304: What? Thats not my accent thats how i speak. Im a Scot so i speak like a Scot

1967-RB-307: guten morgen, meine freunds. heavy helped me switch the capital letters off, but now i don't know how to switch them back on.

1967-RB-309: Medic, you already said hello

1967-RB-307: well, i thought i would say it again for all the new comers.

1967-RB-309: You said good morning to all of us at breakfast

1967-RB-307: :(

1967-RB-308: The hell is that

1967-RB-307: heavy did it. it is a sad face meant to resemble the expression i made at spy's last comment. his words, not mine.

1967-RB-301: yo anywon see pyro on here?

1967-BR-303: hi, did you mean me?

1967-RB-306: Woah there, partner! You're in the wrong channel, bud

1967-RB-304: How the bloody hell did the blu Pyro end up in our channel?

1967-RB-303: oops, sorry, I'll get going now

1967-RB-309: Laborer, how can we be sure the BLU Pyro is no longer here

1967-RB-306: Just checked the systems. He's gone. Firebug?

1967-RB-303: c; 

1967-RB-301: hey how did u do that winky face

1967-RB-303: Its a secret c;

1967-RB-307: Heavy told me how to change to capital letters. (: I made a face too.

1967-RB-301: shure u did doc heavy totaly didnt show u how to do that

1967-RB-307: ):

1967-RB-306: Don't you worry, doc, I'll show you the ropes once I figure out a way for everyone to change their names on here

1967-RB-307: Danke, Herr Engineer. (: I made this one by myself.

1967-RB-307: ): Heavy started screaming into the pillow, I don't understand why.

1967-RB-305: rtoo cvuitre

1967-RB-308: :/

1967-RB-301: snipes what the fuck

1967-RB-308: Pyro showed me how to do the faces

1967-RB-303: I gave him the power B)

                                                                                                                                                  1967-RB-308:
                                                                                                                                                           n
                                                                                                                                                           | |
                                                                                                                                                           |  __
                                                                                                                                                           |          )
                                                                                                                                                           |          )
                                                                                                                                                           |          )
                                                                                                                                                           |__)

1967-RB-301: dude what the fuck show me how to do that

1967-RB-308: nah

1967-RB-302: WHAT IS THIS WICHCRAFT

1967-RB-304: P) aye i made meself. You see the eyepatch?

1967-RB-307: How lovely! Herr Engineer, you are truly a genius. These little communication devices are so entertaining.

1967-RB-305: yueds

1967-RB-309: Is no one worried over the fact that one of the BLUs got onto our channel

1967-RB-309: And that they apparently have their own communication devices

1967-RB-301: shut up spy

1967-RB-303: :p

                                                                                                                                                 1967-RB-308:
                                                                                                                                                          __
                                                                                                                                                         (__)
                                                                                                                                                         |()| 
                                                                                                                                                        _|()|_ _
                                                                                                                                                        (()()()())
                                                                                                                                                        (        |
                                                                                                                                                        (        |
                                                                                                                                                         \      /
                                                                                                                                                          |     |

1967-RB-302: SHUT IT FRENCHY

1967-RB-309: Imbeciles

Notes:

For anyone curious, this is what Heavy's texts were supposed to be: I help doktor, not bot, too cute & yes. In that order.

Chapter 2: Names, rats, & gays

1967-RB-306: Alright, fellas and Pyro, I figured out how to change our names

RED Engineer: Tada!

1967-RB-301: dude how

RED Engineer: Press and hold the comma button for 3 seconds, then use the WASD keys to navigate up, down, left and right

RED Engineer: Then navigate to the NAME tab and press the comma button again, and you should be able to type in your name

1967-RB-301: cool cool

1967-RB-301: whats a comma

Hreavy: jhell;po

Hreavy: gfuckl

1967-RB-301: heavy swore!!

Heavy: sdhjush

Gods gift to wimin: na dude u never swer and if u do its in rushin

RED Engineer: It's 'women', son

Gods gift to women: thanks engy

Heavy: god's

God's gift to women: shut up lardass bet doc had to write that for u

1967-RB-309: I REQUIRE ASSISTANCE!

Heavy: dfokjtor?!?!?!

God's gift to women: engy werent u suppost to give the big guy a bigger keybord

RED Engineer: I'm working on it.

RED Engineer: Doc, what's wrong?

1967-RB-309: I'M NOT MEDIC! I'M SPY! HELP ME!

God's gift to women: spy what do u need help with

1967-RB-309: YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME! THEY'RE AFTER ME!

God's gift to women: hoo is the mafia

RED Engineer: The CIA?

1967-RB-309: THE RATS! THE ONES THAT LIVE IN THE BASE'S WALLS!

God's gift to women: there are rats in the walls

God's gift to women: ?

American patriot: I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS! MY RACCOONS ARE VERY WELL BEHAVED AND I DONT OWN RATS!

1967-RB-309: HELP ME!

Kablooey: Why does Spys room smell like eggs and cheese?

Kablooey: This is Demoman by the way. If it wasnae obvious

Bushman's rules: Is that where my egg salad sadwich went

1967-RB-309: Bushman! It was you! These blasted rats are after me because of you!

Bushman's rules: Sorry mate

RED Engineer: I'll be there in a sec, Spy

RED Engineer: You need to go to Medic?

1967-RB-309: No

God's gift to women: yo weer still missing doc & pyro

Balloonicorn princess: Missing me for what?

RED Engineer: Good to see most of y'all managed to figure out how to change your names

RED Engineer: But why did you choose such

RED Engineer: Interesting names?

God's gift to women: wy not

American Patriot: SO THAT EVERYONE KNOWS WHO THEYRE DEALING WITH!

Kablooey: My class names already demolition expert. Kablooey shortens it 

Ballonicorn Princess: I like Balloonicorns. Im a princess. What more is there to know?

Bushman's rules: Isn't 'demo' short for demolitions expert already?

Kablooey: Shhhhhhhh 

SPY: Professionalism is beyond them, Laborer. Don't bother

RED Engineer: You don't have to be so rude, french-toast

RED Engineer: You're right, but you don't have to be so rude

Kablooey: Wheres doc by the way?

1967-RB-307: I am here! Heavy required my assistance with something.

God's gift to women: ye right ASSistance

SPY: So you DO know how to use capital letters, you simply choose not to

Dr Ludwig: I don't know what that was meant to mean, Herr Scout. Heavy simply asked me to help him with changing his name on this little device. In turn, he helped me figure out how to change my name. (:

God's gift to women: UR NAME IS LUDWIG??

Dr Ludwig: You didn't know that? I thought I told you all.

Kablooey: I knew

SPY: I knew it too

Bushman's rules: You know everyone's names spook

Dr Ludwig: Oh dear, I was certain I told all of you this already.

Heavy: trokld nme

Dr Ludwig: Right, I only told Heavy.

God's gift to women: cors u told ur boyfriend & not us hoos even surprised at this point

Medick: My boyfriend? I have no idea what you are talking about, Herr Scout!

Bushman's rules: dude :/

Balloonicorn princess: vati, what...

Medic: I have no idea what you two are talking about.

Kablooey: We saw that! We did!

Heavy: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

God's gift to women: WHAT THE FUCK

Balloonicorn princess: *Medic's voice* I must learn how to do zhat c:<

Bushman's rules: :/

Dove Lord: :C

Notes:

Heavy's text again. Next chapter he'll speak normally again.
Hello, fuck, shush, doktor, told me

Chapter 3: Medic's angry (what's new) & Scout's dyslexic

Summary:

Sniper bullies (affectionate) Scout for being dyslexic, but it's ok cause Scout is a lil shit & bullies (affectionate) him back

Bitchin' tits: Alright, who went through the cabinets in my office?

Bitchin' tits: Wait.

Dr Sawbones: There. So, who did it? I'm not angry, I just want to know.

God's gift to women: not angry my ass

Dr Sawbones: I see. If none of you speak up, I will find out who did it, and when I do, your great grandchildren shall remember the pain I will put you through. Or you can confess now and I'll simply not heal you in battle for the rest of the week. Your choice.

Bushman's rules: <:O

Bushman's rules: ;-;

Heavy: It was me

Dr Sawbones: No, no it wasn't, Heavy.

Heavy: It was me, doktor

Dr Sawbones: Hush, Misha.

God's gift to women: i see hardhat finaly gave heavy a proper keybord

Dr Sawbones: Who was it?

RED Engineer: Now now, doc. How do you even know someone went through your stuff?

Master of Dissection: I'm missing three packets of Ibuprofen, a bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide, and a single condom.

God's gift to women: howd u even know someone took only one condom

God's gift to women: also since wen do u keep condoms in the infirmry

Bonk1 master: also what is that freaking name doc

Master of Dissection: I took stock of the infirmary this morning, and it is the afternoon now meaning someone came in here, possibly right before battle, and pilfered my stores. I am not pleased ):< If any of you need something from the infirmary, you ask me first. If you take things without asking, how am I supposed to fill out all the necessary paperwork? Last time I misplaced a bottle of eye drop medication I had my pay docked.

Bonk that Scout: i think the guy hoo checks your paperwork just dosnt like you doc

Bonk that Scout: wait how the hell did my name get changed

Bushman's rules: Is that the one who came to the base with a clipboard and a ridiculous moustache once?

RED Engineer: No, it was the little squirrel man who came with the clipboard man. The clipboard man was a health inspector

RED Engineer: Son, do you need me to check your communicator?

Bonkalicious: wait we had a health inspector come to base

Bonkalicious: ?

Bonkitty: no need engy

Bonkitty: man what the fuck

Bushman's rules: Yeah, sometime last month

Doot Scoot: dam no wonder the paperwork guy dosnt like doc he probably saw all the shit he gets up to in his lab wen the insoector was heer

Master of Dissection: ):< He doesn't appreciate my genius, the plebeian. 

Doot Scoot: but hes a dude right

Doot Scoot: ?

RED Engineer: The paperwork guy? Yeah, why?

Scooty: so if he likes girls he would be straight right

Scooty: man again my name keeps freaking changing 

Bushman's rules: ;0;

Bushman's rules: Scout you're so fucking stupid

Bushman's rules: Doc could him a plebeian not a lesbian

Bushman's rules: I can't believe I'm friends with you (ー_ー;)

Plebeian: rude

Kaboom: Whats going on lads?

Master of Dissection: Someone stole something from the infirmary and I'm threatening people into telling me who it was.

Kaboom: So regular Tuesday, aye doc?

Master of Dissection: I need money, Herr Demo! My birds need the best bird food money can buy, and I cannot keep getting pay cuts because I've lost single use condoms! 

Kaboom: Condoms?

Heavy: Long story (ー_ー;)

Doot Dat Scoot: doc lovs those birds more than he lovs us

Bushmen rule: Your mother would love those birds more than she'd love you

Doot Dat Scoot: look hoos talking ur kangaroo wife left you for a wombat

Bushmen rule: You never even had a girlfriend, not even mentioning a wife

I will SAW THROUGH YOUR BONES: My paperwork! I demand to know who stole from the infirmary!

Kaboom: What all are you missing doc?

I will SAW THROUGH YOUR BONES: Three boxes of Ibuprofen, a bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide, and one condom.

Kaboom: Oh so THATS where I got those from!

Kaboom: Ill give them right back

Kaboom: Be there in a sec, doc

Lovely dovely: Let me guess: you were drunk, mein freund.

Kaboom: Aye

Doot Dat Scoot: eye*

Kaboom: No, its spelt aye

Doot Dat Scoot: what since wen

Kaboom: Since always?

Kaboom: Wait lad. Did you think all this time i was saying eye as in me last working eye, and not aye as in yes??

Too fast for ya: hey doc can i borrow one of ur bonesaws i promise i wont scuf it

Bushmen rule: Answer the bloody question (σ｀д′)σ

Too fast for ya: fine

Too fast for ya: yes

Too fast for ya: i thout demo said eye & not aye

Bushmen rule: You're so fucking stupid, roo

Too fast for ya: im beter than ur kangaroo wife tho

Bushman rule: My kangaroo wife don't drink all my coffee and then end up on top of the base crying cause she stubbed her toe

Too fast for ya: love u too snipes

Bushmen rule: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Bushmen rule: Love ya too <3

Chapter 4: In which Spy gets tormented

SPY: Team

ASSistance: Herr Spy.

ASSistance: Why does my name keep changing every time I walk away from the communicator?

God's Arch Nemesis <3: What do you need, Herr Spy?

SPY: Remind me, docteur, which brand of cheap, tasteless cigarettes did the bushman want

SPY: And what other vegetables besides tomatoes does the Engineer need

SPY: Also what is that name

God's Arch Nemesis <3: The truth.

God's Arch Nemesis <3: Herr Engineer requests red bell peppers, cilantro, and lemons.

SPY: Lemons are not vegetables

God's Arch Nemesis <3: Don't be mean to the messenger. )':

SPY: I am rolling my eyes at you, Medic

Bonks that Scout: Someone said something about cigarettes

SPY: Bushman, that better not be you

Bonks that Scout: Its not

SPY: Who is it then

Bonks that Scout: Scout

SPY: BUSHMAN!

Dethroned God, sitting on his throne: Oh dear.

Bonks that Scout: it was a hjoke, it was a joke! I fortgot to change it! Dont kill me, please im not actullay bomnking your son 

Dethroned God, sitting on his throne: Don't worry, Herr Sniper. Spy is in Tuefort at the general store, and won't be back for a few hours still. 

RED Engineer: I really need to put a character limit on the names

):: ):

Bushmen rule: THERE! Better??

God: dang what did i miss

Satan: Not much, really. (:

RED Engineer: I regret letting you choose your own names

Chapter 5: Gay cabbages & sour lettuces

American Patriot: SHUT IT YOU GAY LETTUCE

American Patriot: Sourkraut is lettuce right?

FREEEEDOM: Its actually cabbage, Solly

American Patriot: SHUT IT YOU GAY CABBAGE

Scootyliscious: what did i walk in on & hoos the gay cabbage

Satan's gift to humanity: That would be me, because I told Soldier he needs a flea bath and to come to my office in ten minutes.

Scootyliscious: man come up with something more original i already did the gods gift thing

Heavy: Why you insult doktor you little baby man

FREEEEDOM: Is it really an insult if its true, lad?

FREEEEDOM: Lad?

Scootyliscious: hev you there

Scootyliscious: ?

Heavy: Blyat

Heavy: Soldier is here for fight

Dr Tired: Oh, good! Bring him to me when you're done, Liebling!

Scoutspicious: & u say u 2 aint boyfriends

Dr Tired: We're not, thank you very much.

FREEEEDOM: Doc you called him darling

Dr VERY Tired: Ja? And?

ScoutVERYspicious: i give up wheres hev so i can watch him beat up solly

ScoutVERYspicious: nevermind found them

Oh no: Where are they?

Oh yeah: just follow the screaming

Chapter 6: In which Engineer & Sniper have regrets

RED Engineer: Heavy, where are you?

RED Engineer: Heavy

RED Engineer: Big guy, I need your help

RED Engineer: Heavy?

RED Engineer: Has anyone seen Heavy?

Bonktastic: wow uv been asking for him for 3 hours alredy

RED Engineer: He doesn't usually take this long to respond, Scoot

RED Engineer: I'm getting a lil bit worried, not gonna lie

Bonktastic: wy hes proly fine & just busy with his own shit

RED Engineer: For three hours?

Bonktastic: ye 

RED Engineer: I don't know, Scoot. Could you ask one of the others to call him up?

Hoot hoot: Whats going on?

RED Engineer: Heavy ain't responding to my messages, Sniper

Hoot hoot: Oh

Hoot hoot: (=o=;)

Hoot hoot: Ya dont wanna know where he's at, Dell

RED Engineer: What? Why?

Engineering my fucking limit: poor u snipes ur takin a nap in ur room right

RED Engineer: Scout, change your name right this instant

RED Engineer: Also, what on earth are you talking about?

Bonk: theyr u kno

Bonk: bonking right snipes

Bonk: ?

Hoot hoot: Yeah...

RED Engineer: Oh...

RED Engineer: OH!

RED Engineer: Three hours??

Sad hoot: Four ;w;

Bonk: mate wy dont u just come over & nap in my room

Bonk: cant hear shit from the ofence corridor & im not even using my room

Hoot: Yeah, but your room stinks like bonk

Bonk: & ur room stinks like unwashed feet

Hoot: I don't even sleep in me room that much! I only use it when its too cold to sleep in the van!

RED Engineer: We know, slim

RED Engineer: You could nap in my room if you'd like, I'm currently in the workshop

Hoot: Fine that works >:c

Hoot: Thanks, Engie

SPY: Sniper, how do you know what Scout's room smells like

HOOT!: Actually engie i think im fine um gonna go do some tarfet ptactice as far away from the baee as i can see you bye!

Im gonna beat ya: fuck u spy

RED Engineer: Darn. Who wants to help me test out this new sentry design, since the big guy's busy?

Im gonna beat ya: sorry engy i have things to do

SPY: I simply don't want to but I'm sure Soldier or Demoman would be glad to help

RED Engineer: Fine, I'll go ask them

Im gonna beat ya: seriously spy fuck u ur so rude to snipes what did he ever do to u

SPY: I'm not answering anything you say until you at least learn how to use commas

Im gonna beat ya: i know how too use commas i just dont wanna cos it takes too long to write it out

SPY: Of course it does...

RED Engineer: You fellas ain't gonna believe what Demo and Soldier are doing

Im gonna beat ya: the same as heavy & med

SPY: The exact same thing as Heavy and Medic

RED Engineer: Yeah... 

RED Engineer: Yeah they are... 

RED Engineer: Darn

Chapter 7: Dentists & brats

The Superior Medic: Was anyone going to tell me that Fritz is apparently a licensed dentist?

Player of the game every game: how the fuck would we know that doc

Crocodile hunter: Dentist? Damn, BLU Medic is so straight laced compared to you

The Superior Medic: How does that horny brat have more degrees than me!

Crocodile hunter: You still mad he flirted with the big guy, aren't ya?

Player of the game every game: horny brat hehe

Player of the game every game: thats what sniper calls me sometimes

Crocodile hunter: SCOUT

SPY: What was that, mon ennemi

Crocodile hunter: NOTHINGNOTHINGNOTHFINNOTNGHINTNGONRBFONRKGONTONGNTONYK

Oh shit: spy u fucking broke him u asshole

The Medic: Jacques, come to my office in five minutes, bitte.

SPY: Wait, docteur, please!

The Medic: My office, in five minutes.

Snipes is bae: ha sucks to suck spy docs on my side

The Medic: Jeremy, do you want to join him?

Oh shit 2.0: uh no nope im fine

The Medic: Are you sure? Because I am very interested in getting my own certificate in dentistry, and we all know a good scientist requires test subjects. c:

The Medic: I can't have that half-baked 'doctor' upstaging me, after all. 

Oh shit 2.0: im fine doc im totaly fine plees dont transplant my teeth into my eyes or something plees im gonna be a good boy do spy instead

SPY: You are so ready to just abandon your father, Jeremy

Oh shit 2.0: ye like u abandoned me

SPY: I walked right into that one 

The Medic: Jacques.

SPY: Coming!

Survived once again: few i think theyr gone

Survived once again: yo snipes u stil on

Survived once again: ?

Balloonicorn queen: Currently? He's hiding out in my room

Balloonicorn queen: What happened :/?

Survived once again: i dont think u wanna know py

Balloonicorn queen: I'll just ask vati later

Survived once again: u ask vati later ye

Survived once again: also i see u changed your name

Balloonicorn queen: I have been officially crowned by the Pyroland council c:

Survived once again: sweet can i get crowned too i wanna be the king of bonk or some shit

Balloonicorn queen :D come to my room, I'm going to crown both you and Mickey

Soon to be King Bonk: on my way!

Tired dad of 8 manchildren: Ah, kinder.

Chapter 8: Medic's out of the bag (& the closet)

Heavy: Liar!

Bonkalicious: no i aint its totaly tru!

Heavy: Little man is big liar! 

Bonkaliscious: he did it he totaly did!

Heavy: Slander!

Bonkaliscious: nuh uh its totaly something hed do & u kno it!

Heavy: You look at him and tell Heavy he look like someone who would do that! Look in his cute face and at big eyes!

Bonkaliscious: he totaly does! looking cute dosnt change that!

Heavy: Lies! All lies!

RED Engineer: Do I even wanna know what this is about?

Heavy: Hello, Engineer. Little Scout is big liar, do not listen to him

Engineer is engiheer: nuh uh im not im tellin the truth u just cant take that hed do something like that

Heavy (is mad): Look me in eyes and tell me he would do it. You can't because you are liar

SPY: Who exactly are you talking about

SPY: Is this about that stray Scout brought in from Tuefort

Heavy (is mad): Nyet

Engineer is engiheer: no way buster is the best boy ever he can do no wrong unlike someone i know

Heavy (is mad): You lie! Doktor would never!

RED Engineer: Wait a sec, boys. This is about Medic?

Bonk King: ye it is! lard fat over heer is tryna protect the doc but i know better!

SPY: Oh no. What did he do

SPY: Actually, I don't want to know

RED Engineer: Now now, boys. Let's settle this like men

RED Engineer: And by that I mean let's talk it out & not go guns blazing at dawn. What did doc do?

Bonk King: he stole some of my bonk to experiment on!

Heavy (is mad): Lies!

Bonk King: oh ye then how did he get a yooranyum eyesotowp

RED Engineer: A uranium isotope?

Bonk King: ye that bonks got uranium in it & doc stole some of my cans to do experiments!

Heavy (is mad): Lies! My doktor is innocent

Bonk King: ye right ur just protectin his ass cause ur boyfriends

Button popper: We are NOT boyfriends! When will you all learn finally!

Button popper: Wait. What the hell is that name?

The Sound of Progress: Better.

Bonk suspicious: fuck off doc u basically are boyfriends

Bonk suspicious: u tromatised snipes last week when he found u bonking in a storage closet

RED Engineer: Doc, with all due respect, the two of you act like a couple and it's really confusing for all of us when you keep acting like you're together but saying you're not

Heavy (is mad): But doktor and I are together

Bonk suspiscious: what!

The Sound of Progress: We have never denied such accusations. As Herr Engineer said, we act like a couple all the time.

RED Engineer: So, what? Do y'all just not like it when we call you boyfriends?

The Sound of Progress: It is an inaccurate portrayal of our relationship, yes.

Bonklicious: what do u prefer then

RED Engineer: Partners?

RED Engineer: Lovers?

Bonklicious: fuckbuddies

The Sound of Progress: Fiances.

Bonkliscious: oh

RED Engineer: Oh

Bonkliscious: OH

RED Engineer: OH

Bonk'o'tron 3000: congrats so did u or did u not steal my bonk

The Sound of Progress: It was an opened can and it was only one time.

Bonk'o'tron 3000: i new it! ha! suck it dumbass weapons guy!

Heavy (is mad): Doktor, how could you

Heavy (is mad): I protected your honour

Heart surgery: I'm sorry, Lieber. I had no idea this was what the conversation was about. 

Heart surgery: Why don't I make it up to you tonight? Maybe with a personal concert, hmm?

Bonk'o'tron 3000: ew go flirt somewhere else yuck

RED Engineer: Scoot, be nice

Bonk'o'tron 3000: nah i dont wanna see it feels like watching my parents flirt & shit

RED Engineer: Alright, that's fair

RED Engineer: I just heard Heavy's room door open, I don't think they'll be checking these messages anytime soon

RED Engineer: So, you and Sniper, huh?

Bonked out: engy oh my god ur too old for this stop trying to be cool go bang a sentry or something u nerd

RED Engineer: :<

RED Engineer: French-toast, you still there?

SPY: I never left, mon ami

RED Engineer: Spah, I'm lonely, Spah

SPY: I'm leaving now, mon ami

RED Engineer: Gosh darn you, Spah

Chapter 9: Bullies, all of you

Summary:

Alternate title: tits too big

Medic: Hallo, is anyone there?

Medic: Is anyone paying attention to their communication devices?

Medic: Please, can someone answer?

Medic: I will start screaming.

Medic: Herr Engineer, why must the communication devices only allow message sending outside of battle?

Abandoned Medic: Bitte.

Abandoned Medic: Bitte.

Abandoned Medic: Alright, I'm going to start screaming.

Ouchie: Alright, that didn't work.

Ouchie: Now my throat hurts, I should have expected this.

Crocodile hunter: Doc, what the fuck

Crocodile hunter: >:/

Scrumpy: Can you nae just come get one of us instead of blowing up the comms?

Abandoned Medic: I would, if I was able to.

Crocodile hunter: Bloody hell, doc

Crocodile hunter: What happened?

Abandoned Medic: I seem to be, um, stuck to the BLU Engineer's broken dispenser. ;w;

Abandoned Medic: Someone please come get me, I'm cold and need to go to the toilet and my tummy is grumbling and I'm so miserable. I've been here for hours. ;n;

Scrumpy: Youve been on the battlefield for literal hours??

;w;: Yes. 

;w;: Sob.

Crocodile hunter: How????

Scrumpy: How did no one notice????

Batta outta hell: big guy passed out in his room right after the battle & everywon thout doc was back in his lab already

Crocodile hunter: No one went to the infirmary during that time??

Batta outta hell: nope none of us needed it

Batta outta hell: u alright there vati

Batta outta hell: ?

Please help me: My favourite lab coat is stuck in the gears of the dispenser, and I'm too scared to move. The dispenser is too heavy to move in its fully upgraded state, although I could maybe move it if I abandoned my Medigun, but I can't do that.

Crocodile hunter: How

Crocodile hunter: How did your coat get stuck in a defunct dispensor

Please help me: I don't knooooooooow. ;o;

Scrumpy: You cannae just rip it?

Please help me: My coat was tailor made.

Batta outta hell: wy was ur lab coat tailor made

Crocodile hunter: Doc?

Scrumpy: Lutz, you there?

Please stop asking me: I was too big for the Mann Co. issued lab coats and had to provide my own.

Crocodile hunter: Too big?

Scrumpy: They could nae get you a bigger size?

Batta outta hell: dont blu doc wer the exact same thing what do u meen ur too big for it

Please stop asking me: My tits were too big, there, I said it! ;-;

Please stop asking me: Someone, please come get me alreadyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Crocodile hunter: Your

Crocodile hunter: Your tits?

Scrumpy: Pipsqueak is sitting next to me and turning all sorts of weird colours

Scrumpy: Oh, wait, hes just holding in his laughter

Please save me: Sob sob. No one on this team loves me. ;n;

Crocodile hunter: YOUR TITS WERE TOO BIG?

Crocodile hunter: DOC?

Crocodile hunter: IMAFJVHDSHNVFJIDSGBNJBJ

Please save me: Sob. 

Crocodile hunter: HOW??

Sob: I couldn't button it up. 

Scumpy: Is

Scrumpy: Is that why Heavy changed your name to Button Popper that one time?

Sob: HEAVY HAS BEEN CHANGING MY NAME?

Sob: Sob. No one on this team loves me. You're all such bullies. ;m;

Batta outta hell: button popper?? man hevs creeative

Scrumpy: Sollys on his way, Lutz, be there in a few

Crocodile hunter: TITS TOO BIG! I CANT! 

Crocodile hunter: TAILOR MADE LAB COATS! 

Crocodile hunter: BLU DISPENSERS! 

Crocodile hunter: AAAAAAH!

Sob: Sob.

Sob: Soldier and Demo are here.

Scrumpy: Lads if you saw what I see right now

Batta outta hell: engy u gotta let us take pics on these things

RED Engineer: I

RED Engineer: I'll think about it, Scoot

RED Engineer: Tits too big...

SOB: Sob. 

Crocodile hunter: TITS TOO BIG!

SOB: Bullies, all of you. ;m;

Notes:

I am also a betittied trans guy & Med is my lil punching bag for when I feel dysphoric or gross. Sorry not sorry, vati!

Also, one-shot tie-in here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55507396

Chapter 10: Science jargon (someone save Scout)

Boom boom: Doc, I need tae borrow your microscope

Double jump: dont do it doc hell just blow it up

Drinking the tears of my enemies: Herr Demo, if you want to borrow my microscope, please come to the infirmary in three minutes. I'm currently cleaning up from an experiment.

Boom boom: Oo what did you do?

Drinking the tears of my enemies: I was dissecting a pair of Fraulein Pyro's lungs I found on the battlefield. 

Boom boom: Found anything cool in there?

Drinking the tears of my enemies: An expected amount of smoke residue, and nothing much else I'm afraid. I was hoping for something more exciting.

Boom boom: Aye, me too!

Boom boom: Thought the lassy would have something cool in there, from all the fire and asbestos

Boom boom: Ill be there in a wee moment tae pick up the microscope

Drinking the tears of my enemies: Alright. I'll be waiting.

Double jump: what the hell do u need a miscrope for

Boom boom: I got a new shipment of gunpowder for me bombs and something isnnae quite right with it

Boom boom: I need tae see what sorta granules Ive been sent cause this isnnae proper gunpowder

Double jump: what is it then

Boom boom: Dunno, well see

Boom boom: Its easy tae tell the difference cause different chemical compounds will look differently up close

Boom boom: Of course if that does nae work, then we can try and do a few tests on it tae make sure its made with the right minerals and what not

Double jump: im lost

Boom boom: Chemistry jargon

Double jump: oh ok

Double jump: wait sinc wen are u smart demo

Boom boom: I have a masters in chemistry, & studied at Edinburgh university

Double jump: is that like good or something

The doctor is in: He studied at the best university in Scotland, and has gone on to receive a Postgraduate degree, which is very good, yes.

Double jump: i new that second part i just didnt know what edinburg is

Double jump: wait so demo is actualy like a scientist & shit

Double jump: ?

Boom boom: Aye, I am. Did you think I just made bombs for the fun of it? 

Double jump: kinda ye i never reelised u need like a degree in chemistry to be good at it & stuff

Double jump: i dont need a degree to bonk people 

The doctor is in: We know, junge. 

Double jump: no ofense demo ur cool & all u just make it look so eesy u kno

Boom boom: Aye, donnae worry, laddie Im used tae it

Boom boom: People think Im nothing more than a drunkard and forget that, to be a good Demoman, you got tae ken how tae build bombs properly! And tae do that, a degree in chemistry is kinda useful

The doctor is in: Also, Herr Demo, do let me know if the gunpowder is impure or not. Herr Engineer has had the idea to replace gunpowder with different compounds for his sentries, and has been asking for things to experiment on. 

Boom boom: You got it, doc!

Double jump: man is there anyone else on the team hoo is a secret genius & has like a degree & shit

Heavy: Heavy has PhD in Russian literature

>:c: man fuck u!

Chapter 11: Grumpy Medics make sad Medics

Summary:

A bit of a more down-to-earth one

The Medic: Achtung! I will be busy the entire day. Do not come into the infirmary for any reason. This includes coming in 'for just a few seconds' to get a band aid. Am I making myself understood?

Forc'a nature: what happens if somewon gets hurt tho

The Medic: Herr Engineer has agreed to build one of his dispensers on the base's premises for the time being.

The Medic: Now, have I made myself clear? 

Forc'a nature: ye fine

RED Engineer: You sure did, Doc

C2H5OH: Aye

Forc'a nature: demo what is that name

C2H5OH: Chemical formula for ethanol

Happy camper: But what if we need your help for something /:?

The Medic: No.

The Medic: Interruptions.

The Medic: Am I making myself clear, Herr Sniper?

Happy camper: Yeah, yeah you are :c

The Medic: Pyro, Soldier, Heavy, and Spy.

SPY: Oui, I will keep out of the infirmary

Heavy: Da

American patriot: AFIRMATIVE!

Balloonicorn queen: What about food, vati? 

The Medic: No interruptions.

Balloonicorn queen: Alright (O-O')

The Medic: Thank you. I am switching the communication device off now.

Balloonicorn queen: Heavy, explain >:'[

Heavy: Don't know how

C2H5OH: Come on, cant be that hard

Heavy: Don't want to upset doktor

RED Engineer: Is this some secret project, then?

Heavy: Nyet. No project

C2H5OH: So doc just wants tae be alone all day?

Heavy: Da

Forc'a nature: wy tho

Heavy: Doktor is going through thing

Happy camper: What 'thing'

Heavy: BLU team babies made mean comment at wrong time

Heavy: Doktor is not feeling good about himself

RED Engineer: Which one made the mean comment?

Heavy: BLU Soldier

American patriot: DO YOU WANT ME TO KICK HIS ASS, PRIVATE? I WILL GLADLY KICK HIS ASS FOR DISRESPECTING OUR TEAM MEDIC!

Heavy: Nyet, Soldier

Heavy: Doktor just needs to be by himself

Heavy: No need for fighting

Forc'a nature: what did he say tho

Heavy: Called doktor a nurse

Heavy: Then BLU Demoman laughed and said something Heavy didn't hear well

Heavy: But doktor heard and shot them both and would not say anything to team after

RED Engineer: I didn't know Lu hated being called a nurse so much! Sure, some of us can be right mean on the battlefield (cough, Sniper, cough) but I didn't think any of us took it personally

UNhappy camper: Hey, wait a sec! <(｀^´)>

Heavy: Doktor doesn't get offended normally

Heavy: He is having bad time

Heavy: Forgot word for it, but is monthly time

Heavy: Makes him sensitive

Forc'a nature: oooooooo the mans on his period i get it

RED Engineer: Ooooooh, ok

C2H5OH: You ken what we should do, lads?

SPY: Enlighten us

C2H5OH: We should go to Tuefort, buy Lutz a bunch of chocolate and hot water bottles, and popcorn, and then try tae lure him out of the infirmary for a movie night

Balloonicorn queen: Demo, you genius :D

Heavy: Could work. Could go very bad

Heavy: How attached is little Demo to balls?

C2H5OH: The one in me head or the ones in me trousers?

Heavy: Both

C2H5OH: Very attached

UNhappy camper: You know, this might sound weird, but so am I to mine

Forc'a nature: ha i dont have any

SPY: Neither do you have a brain, apparently 

Forc'a nature: hey!

American patriot: I SAY WE DO IT! AND THEN WE GO AND KICK BLU SOLDIERS ASS FOR THIS ISUBORDINASHON!

Heavy: No kicking ass, I say already!

RED Engineer: No ass kicking, Solly! Let's go with Demo's plan, and lure Lu out for a movie night, why don't we?

SPY: Oui, why not

Forc'a nature: hell ye i wanna pick the movie!

Balloonicorn queen: I'm helping! c:

Happy camper: Let's bloody do this!

C2H5OH: Aye!

American patriot: AFIRMATIVE!

Heavy: Da, alright, we do this for doktor

 

The Medic of the best merc team in the world: Thank you <3

Chapter 12: Why Spy & Medic are friends

Baby boy, baby: I hate this.

SPY: I feel like we're missing some context

SPY: Also I see Heavy is still messing with your comm

Baby boy, baby: Shush.

Baby boy, baby: Is Soldier around?

Raccoon dad: WHAT DO YOU NEED, MEDIC?

Baby boy, baby: Actually, this will do.

Baby boy, baby: Soldat, what is a cup?

Raccoon dad: Psst Frenchie I think our docs been replaced

Baby boy, baby: I meant in cooking! What does a cup mean in cooking? How many grams are there in a cup?

Raccoon dad: I DONT NOW WHAT THESE GRAMS ARE BUT I NOW THEIR NOT AMERICAN!

Baby boy, baby: Spy?

SPY: What exactly are you trying to do, mon ami

Baby boy, baby: Food.

SPY: Who in their right mind let you into the kitchen!

Literal angel: No one let me into here, I let myself in, if you must know.

SPY: Why and how

SPY: And change your name you devil incarnate!

Fine, I'm the devil incarnate: It's my turn to make dinner. We're on a rota and I have been shirking my responsibility for the past couple of years, forcing Herr Engineer to put his foot down. Which means I'm being threatened with my life to make something edible that is more than just eggs on toast or burnt cookies.

Fine, I'm the devil incarnate: What if I just used one of the mugs, would that count as a 'cup'? Some of these are rather small, however, and I don't know if the volume is substantial.

SPY: Why are you even using cups as measurement, you imbecile

Fine, I'm the devil incarnate: Because that is what the recipe calls for!

SPY: What recipe!

Just let me cook: The one I found in a cookbook!

SPY: What cookbook!

Just let me cook: The one I got from Engineer!

SPY: Why would Engineer force YOU of all people to cook!

Just let me cook: Because I have been shirking my duties!

SPY: But he LIKES to cook, and it's his turn today!

SPY: He quite literally switches with the others weekly so that he can cook and avoid other chores!

Just let me cook: Well, today he has decided I haven't been pulling my weight in the kitchen, and I decided that I didn't want to argue with him!

SPY: YOU just went along with what ENGINEER said! Really!

Just let me cook: Well, he may or may not have gotten Heavy to back him up.

SPY: HOW! 

SPY: That man has far too much trust in you

SPY: Both of them do, actually!

SPY: I saw you drink out of a test tube once, and not because you accidentally grabbed the wrong thing!

SPY: I saw you eat raw bread with nothing on it as a 'snack'!

SPY: Medic, you can't even work a modern toaster and keep complaining about how the ones THIRTY YEARS AGO were better!

The Medic: Jacques, are you done insulting me?

SPY: The one time I saw you help Pyro cook, YOU were the reason it came out burnt!

SPY: You made cookies in the shape of ANATOMICAL HEARTS! They may have tasted good, but they were ANATOMICALLY CORRECT HEARTS!

Raccoon dad: Wow, Frenchie. I have no words

Raccoon dad: Don't worry Fritz. I'll be there soon to show you how a proper American cooks!

Dr Tired: Danke, Soldat. My name is Lutz, not Fritz. But danke.

JERK: You tried making coffee on the STOVE! MULTIPLE times! 

JERK: We have a coffee machine for that! I don't care if it was sent by the devil to torment you personally!

JERK: Miss Pauling had to reprimand you for almost BURNING DOWN THE BASE! Because of COFFEE!

JERK: You eat PLAIN WHITE BREAD! 

JERK: WHY!

I'm so good at being an owl: Spook he's gone

JERK: AAAAAARGH

I'm so good at being an owl: Oooookay...

I'm so good at being an owl: Talk to you later I guess

JERK: Wait, how did my name get changed

JERK: Engineer...

Chapter 13: No glasses, no kisses

Summary:

Alternate title: divorce arc 2.0

Another slightly more down to earth one again

Notes:

#HoHSolly for life :p

Heavy Weapons Guy: Heavy is in big trouble

RED Engineer: What happened, big guy?

Heavy Weapons Guy: Doktor is mad

RED Engineer: Really? I saw him earlier and he looked fine

Heavy Weapons Guy: We argue

Heavy Weapons Guy: Doktor say -I don't want to see you now- and take off glasses

Heavy Weapons Guy: He take off glasses every time Heavy is in room

RED Engineer: Oh

RED Engineer: Wow

RED Engineer: I never thought Lu would be that petty

Kablooey: Aye, Solly does that with his hearing aids sometimes

RED Engineer: Ah, so Lu got it from Soldier

RED Engineer: What were you two even arguing about?

Heavy Weapons Guy: Don't remember, it was silly

The Medic: Herr Engineer, Herr Demoman, it would be imperative for you not to talk to that traitor.

RED Engineer: Wow there, doc, that's a bit harsh

The Medic: Nonsense! You cannot trust a man who would rather choose his gun over his own fiance!

Heavy Weapons Guy: It was hypocritical question! Sasha cannot save herself but doktor can!

Heavy Weapons Guy: Hypothetical

The Medic: No, no, you were right the first time. It was a hypocritical question, because it made you a hypocrite!

Heavy Weapons Guy: How?!

The Medic: Remember how you told me I baby Archimedes too much? And yet you do the same to Sasha!

Heavy Weapons Guy: Because doktor spoil him! Archimedes cannot take no for answer!

Kablooey: You two dont have any real relationship problems?

Kablooey: Like i dunno, one of you being bought by some old cunt who thinks she can tear you apart?

Kablooey: And not arguing over hypotheticals that we all know are stupid anyway?

Kablooey: Cause everyone knows you never answer how youd actually act until you actually go through the hypothetical

Kablooey: Just silly philosophical bullshit

Medic: I had no idea you were still emotionally disturbed over what happened with BLU Soldier. Are you alright, Tavish?

Kablooey: Aye, im fine, id just hate for you two to split up over some silly bullshit

Heavy: We are not 'split up', doktor and I love each other

Medic: Ja, we do. It was just a silly argument, nothing we should really pay much attention to.

Misha: Da, it will take more to bring us down!

Lutz: Exactly!

RED Engineer: Aw, it's good to know you two ain't arguing anymore

RED Engineer: Lu, please put your glasses back on, you're creeping me out

Kablooey: Why are you messaging him if youre in the same room

RED Engineer: I just walked into the lab, and saw him bent over the comm with these huge, blue eyes

RED Engineer: I was scared for my life, it reminded me of something from those horror movies we've been watching lately

Misha: Big, beautiful eyes

Misha: Little Engineer doesn't know what he is talking about

RED Engineer: Eyes like an owl, freaky

Misha: Pretty eyes. Doktor goes hoohoo like owl too. So cute

Lutz: (: I am adorable.

Kablooey: Please dont blow up the comms with your flirting, lads

Kablooey: Its cute but still

Misha: Fine

Lutz: Alright.

RED Engineer: Aaand he's gone. Darn, I needed the doc for something

Kablooey: Donnae go back to your room, Engie. Donnae do it

RED Engineer: I won't. I'm guessing you're not going to your room either

Kablooey: Im staying way clear of the defense corridor, aye

RED Engineer: You wanna help me test out a new sentry design? It shoots grenades (hopefully)

Kablooey: Be there faster than you can say Lochness monster!

Chapter 14: Consequences of being (not so) young & (very) dumb

Summary:

Yes yes, I know, the original chapter 14 was different, but I messed up & forgot to post this one yesterday, so the Big Bird Trouble chapter is now chapter 15 instead. Sorry for all the confusion

Its not gay if you wear socks: that cheery motheefucker

Its not gay if you wear socks: THOSE CHEERY MOTHERFUCKERS

Mickey dickey: G'day, all!

iends forever: I see were using the comms today, laddies

Its not gay if you wear socks: demo the fuck is that name

iends forever: Pretty sure Janey has the other end of the phrase

Frenchie-poo: Ludwig if you scream again i will gibe you a reason to scream

Oktoberfest babe: Shut up, Jacques.

Hotcakes: I hate this

Hotcakes: I wanna burn something

Oktoberfest babe: Pyro, Liebling, we talked about this.

Hotcakes: I fucking haye this house

Oktoberfest babe: Pyro, get off the fridge right this instant!

Frenchie-poo: Ludwig how the fuck is your grammar and spelling stoll impecable

Frenchie-poo: I cant even think straight and you drank almost as much as tavish

Oktoberfest babe: Don't ask, Jacques. Not now. Not ever.

Its not gay if you wear socks: HEAVY!

Russian bear oh yeah: Sorry

Russian bear oh yeah: Sorry foe yelling

Russian bear oh yeah: Did not know we use comms today

Its not gay if you wear socks: dont fuckin twll me u dont hav hangover too

Russian bear oh yeah: Nyet, is bad

Russian bear oh yeah: Want to kill something

Oktoberfest babe: Dell, come here and get your daughter! They are trying to climb through the vent in the ceiling!

Texas ride 'em: Be right there, doc!

Its not gay if you wear socks: ENGY DONT FER GUCKIJG HANGOVERS EITHER!?

iends forever: Scout you ok laddie?

Its not gay if you wear socks: AHDHIFBOWHRVFONEN 

Its not gay if you wear socks: NO!

Mickey dickey: Poor roo

Its not gay if you wear socks: FUCK U SNIPES

Its not gay if you wear socks: FUCK U & UR NAME 

Oktoberfest babe: Pyro, get down from there or so help me!

Oktoberfest babe: I have the headache of the century, my ass and other extremities hurt, and I'm pretty sure I fell down the stairs because my back is bruised. I am not dealing with your bullshit today!

Russian bear oh yeah: Back might have been me

Oktoberfest babe: HEAVY!

Russian bear oh yeah: Sorryimsorryomimsoruruomsuro

iends forever: Has anyone seen Janey?

iends forver: Never mind, heres the lad

Best frei: Why is everyone staring at me

Its not gay if you wear socks: wy do u have demos class isignia on ur chest

Best frei: I what

Best frei: Oh we were drunk

Best frei: Very drunk

Best frei: Head fills like it got split with my shovel

Frenchie-poo: But you just HAD to do it in the storage room didnt you

Best frei: Shut it frenchie

Oktoberfest babe: Heavy, come here, I want to do like they're doing.

Russian bear oh yeah: Doktor want to sit in my lap?

Oktoberfest babe: Yes, what did you not understand from that?

Russian bear oh yeah: Doktor Bossy

Its not gay if you wear socks: wait solly demo so r u 2 oficial now or ehat

iends forever: Always been, kinda. Were just not as lovey dovey as the doc and Heavy

Mickey dickey: I see what you mean, yeah

Hotcakes: If vati coud, vati would climb into Heavy's chest cavity and sleep there

Mickey dickey: Honestly? Sounds kinda nice

Its not gay if you wear socks: snioes what the fuck

Its not gay if you wear socks: snipes

Texas ride 'em: Pyro, get down from the fridge this instant!

Hot cakes: You're not the boss of me!

Texas ride 'em: Pyro, I'm your fucking father! Get down!

Texas ride 'em: Ludwig, help me! She's your daughter too!

Oktoberfest babe: I babysat them last night, now is your turn.

Texas ride 'em: You didn't babysit shit, you sonuva, you got drunk at the first chance you got!

Oktoberfest babe: I'm the one with the hangover.

Oktoberfest babe: Stop glaring at me, Dell, I know you're glaring at me even without my glasses.

Texas ride 'em: Bitch

Oktoberfest babe: I love you too, mein kleiner Spielzeugmacher.

Texas ride 'em: Spah, help me

Frenchie-poo: Non

Texas ride 'em: Why not?!

Frenchie-poo: i am the reason Jeremy hasn't killed anyone yet now is your turn

Texas ride 'em: Heavy, big guy, please

Russian bear oh yeah: Sorry

Russian bear oh yeah: I am reason we all still have lungs and no baboon uteruses 

Oktoberfest babe: Isn't it uteri?

Its not gay if you wear socks: ur the doc & u dont know

Its not gay if you wear socks: ?

Oktoberfest babe: Tell me, junge, what is the plural of octopus? Or cactus?

Its not gay if you wear socks: fuck u im too hung over foe this shit

Best frei: Would the uterus be from an AMERICAN baboon?

Oktoberfest babe: I have absolutely no idea, Soldat.

Best frei: Oh ok

Best frei: Then no thank you

iends forever: Solly

iends forever: Solly you dont need two of those

iends forever: You dont, i promise

Best frei: Your assuming I even know what that is right now

Best frei: My head hurts

Mickey dickey: Pretty sure the wankers over at BLU could hear that collective groan

Russian bear oh yeah: Fuck you 

Best frei: FUCK YOU

Oktoberfest babe: Fuck you.

Frenchie-poo: Fuck you bushman

Its not gay if you wear socks: fuck you snipes

Hotcakes: Fuck

Hotcakes: You

Its not gay if you wear socks: and fuck demo & engy too

Mickey dickey: -_-

Texas ride 'em: -_-

iends forever: -_-

Notes:

One-shot tie-in fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55488658

Chapter 15: Big bird trouble

Summary:

For anyone coming here from your subscription notifs, this chapter is old & unchanged. For the new chapter, please go to chapter 14 as that's a new chapter that has simply been rearranged to fit the timeline

RED Engineer: Has anyone seen the doc?

RED Engineer: Nevermind

RED Engineer: Don't go to the infirmary

Bonkachu: wy

RED Engineer: Just don't

SPY: Engineer

Bonkachu: are they screwing again

Heavy: What does -screwing- mean?

Bonkachu: nothing

Bonkachu: wait if heavy is here then what did u see doc doing in his lab

William Tell: WHY IS THERE AN EAGLE SIZED DOVE IN THE KITCHEN WHAT THE FUCK

Bonkachu: oh

RED Engineer: Oh

Bonkachu: snipes u ok

Bonkachu: ?

Heavy: Doktor

Heavy: What the fuck?

SPY: I'm surprised you're not on board with this, Heavy

Heavy: Just because I cannot tell doktor no

Heavy: Does not mean I agree

Scrumpy: Ive just been snuggle attacked by a pigeon the size of a dog

Scrumpy: Why?

RED Engineer: Doc is

RED Engineer: Doc is experimenting

RED Engineer: He has at least three of these monstrosities with him right now, cuddling them on the floor of his lab like they were dogs

Bonkachu: theyr the size of dogs now aparently

SPY: Just so everyone knows

SPY: I was opposed to letting him join our team, and now I feel vindicated in my opinion

RED Engineer: Spah, come on

SPY: No, Labourer, I knew this day would come

SPY: I expected it to be something more along the lines of a flesh eating virus, but I expected this

SPY: HELP

SPY: ONE OF THEM GOT INTO MY SMOKING ROOM

RED Engineer: Spah?

RED Engineer: Spy!

RED Engineer: Spy, answer me dagnabit!

Bonkachu: oh no

Bonkachu: oh this is bad

Scrumpy: Nae, its not

Scrumpy: Got dog-sized Sappho with me right now

Scrumpy: She's a right sweetheart

SPY: I take back what I said before, Medic isn't all that bad

RED Engineer: Spy!

RED Engineer: What happened?

SPY: It seems Arete simply wanted a quiet place to nap in

SPY: Ludwig takes very good care of them, I had no idea dove feathers could be so soft

Heavy: Da, doves are very soft, very cuddly

Heavy: Archimedes likes Heavy the most

Bonkachu: yo snipes wich bird attacked u in the kitchen

William Tell: I think it's Diogenes

William Tell: Feeding the goofball right now

William Tell: Didn't know he could do tricks

Heavy: So Archimedes, Eureka, and Euclid are with doktor

Heavy: Good to know

Bonkachu: wait the birds can do tricks

Bonkachu: ?

William Tell: Yeah, Dio can do backflips!

Bonkachu: awsome!

Raccoon dad: Can we keep them?

Scrumpy: Solly Medic already owns them theyre his birds

Raccoon dad: Do you think he'd make my raccoons bigger too if I asked?

Scrumpy: Worth a shot

Bonkachu: py were u at ur missing all the action!

Bubbles & flashfires: Im at the centre of all the action!

Bubbles & flashfires: I'm cuddling Archie at the lab while vati is working on Eura and Euli

Scrumpy: Eura and Euli?

Heavy: Eureka and Euclid. Is how little Pyro calls them

Bonkachu: those are the bonded pair

Bonkachu: ?

Bubbles & flashfires: No, Eura and Euli are twins!

Bubbles & flashfires: Or as close to twins as birds can be

Bonkachu: hoos the mated pair then

Bubbles & flashfires: Eureka and Archimedes

William Tell: That little demon has a girlfriend? 

SPY: That little demon has reproduced!

Bonkachu: like father like son

SPY: MEDIC HAS REPRODUCED??

William Tell: Wow spook that's the first time I've seen you use question marks

RED Engineer: Scoot, is there something you're not telling is?

Bonkachu: as far as i kno doc dosnt have kids

Bonkachu: eksept the birds

Bonkachu: i was just joking that doc got with hev despite being a demon

Bonkachu: doc dosnt have kids right heavy

Bonkachu: ?

RED Engineer: Heavy?

Heavy: Can't type

Heavy: Euclid is

Heavy: Smothering

Heavy: Me

Scrumpy: Should we help the lad?

SPY: I can't, I am being used as a pillow by the lovely Arete

William Tell: Yeah, Dio is keeping me busy

Raccoon dad: DEMO, WE CAN'T LEAVE NOW, SAPPHO WOULD GET SAD!

RED Engineer: Seems that leaves just me and you, Scoot

Bonkachu: nah im at the infirmary keeping py archie eura euli & vati company

RED Engineer: Darn

RED Engineer: I'll be there in a bit, big guy!

 

SPY: Wait, did no one notice that Heavy avoided the question?

Chapter 16: They're looking at me (O_O)

Summary:

Heavy is #HornyOnMain someone please save the other mercs

I will heal you: Scout! I need a medkit in the gym, now!

I'm running circles around ya: ok ok im going!

I will heal you: Danke. I will be waiting for you.

RED Engineer: Doc, what happened?

I will heal you: Heavy is hemorrhaging! 

FREEEEDOM: Is he dying??

hOOT: How did he get it??

SPY: 'It'

SPY: He is simply bleeding, you imbeciles

I will heal you: Ja, from the nose for an unspecified reason! 

I will heal you: It's minor, and he will live, but I have to check him over either way.

I'm running circles around ya: check him over ye right

I'm running circles around ya: thats just an excuse to feel him up i bet

I will heal you: Are you insinuating I would make out with my patient while he is bleeding out?

I will heal you: I only do that in controlled situations!

I will heal you: Now get over here with that medkit, Scout!

I'm running circles around ya: im coming im coming

hOOT: Heh that's what you said last night too

SPY: BUSHMAN!

hOOT: IMSORRYIMSORTYIMSORTYIMSUOGH

RED Engineer: Keep us updated on the big guy's condition, doc

Heavy: Doktor cannot type

Heavy: Is checking nose now

Heavy: Help me

FREEEEDOM: Help you with what?

Heavy: We are at gym

Heavy: Nose is still bleeding

Heavy: Doktor has no shirt on

I'm running circles around ya: OH MY GOD U HORNY JERIATRIC FUCK

RED Engineer: Geriatric?

I'm running circles around ya: WHATEVER!

I'm running circles around ya: HORNY OLD MAN!

Heavy: If little Sniper had same body as doktor, little Scout would not complain

I'm running circles around ya: excuse u i like the beenpole hoo could totaly kill me with ees look

I'm running circles around ya: miss p also fit that categry

Heavy: Heavy like big men and women

Heavy: Doktor is big (O)(O)

I'm running circles around ya: HORNY JAIL HORNY JAIL GET UR ASS TO HORNY JAIL!

Heavy: I am not listening 

Heavy: Too busy with staring contest

hOOT: Who... Who is the staring contest with?

Heavy: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I'm running circles around ya: HORNY JAIL FOR 1 THOUSAND YEERS FOR MISHA!

Heavy: I may be strong in body

Heavy: But I am weak

Heavy: So weak

RED Engineer: Doc does have a good body, for a fella

SPY: Dell, don't bother

SPY: We all know

RED Engineer: Darn

RED Engineer: It was one time?

SPY: No

SPY: No it wasn't

SPY: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

hOOT: SPOOK WHAT THE FUCK

I will heal you: What is going on here?

I will heal you: I am genuinely asking, I can't see the previous messages on my communication device.

RED Engineer: It's nothing, Lu

FREEEEDOM: Aye just the big guy keeping us updated on how hes feeling

I will heal you: Well, the hemorrhaging has stopped, although I haven't found any real reason behind it.

hOOT: Maybe cause there's two reasons and not one

I will heal you: What?

hOOT: (O)(O)

I will heal you: I really don't understand what you are getting at, Herr Sniper.

FREEEEDOM: Sure you dont Mister Button Popper

RED Engineer: Doc?

hOOT: Hey, doc

I'm running circles around ya: oh no theyr not responding

Heavy: I am in trouble 

Heavy: Blyat

Chapter 17: Dads galore

Bunny boy: dad

Jarman: Oh my god you actually changed your name to that

Bunny boy: not now snipes

Bunny boy: dad!

Jarman: Which one

Bunny boy: the fuck u meen wich one!

Jarman: Roo you have like four dads

Bunny boy: four??

Jarman: Obviously theres Spy

Jarman: But also Medic and Engie

Jarman: And Heavy as well kinda

Bunny boy: nah hev is more of a stepdad than a dad

Jarman: Wouldn't Med and Engie be stepdads too

Bunny boy: nah cos u see theres a diference

Jarman: What difference

Bunny boy: like a big diference

Bunny boy: like there r 3 types of dads

Bunny boy: my ma had a few boyfriends when i was growing up ye

Bunny boy: so i kno what im talking about

Jarman: I'll regret this but ok go on

Bunny boy: so there are dads

Bunny boy: thats doc & engy

Bunny boy: theyr involved & they give a fuck & they act like dads

Bunny boy: then hev is a stepdad 

Bunny boy: hes just kinda there the boyfriend of another parent but wil act like a dad when he needs to

Bunny boy: like ur adopted right

Jarman: Yeah?

Bunny boy: thats the diference a dad adopts u even if u arent related & a stepdad is just there

Jarman: And whats the third group?

Bunny boy: the assholes

Bunny boy: theyr the ones hoo dont care dont wanna have kids dont wanna get involved are just there for a hot peec of ass

Jarman: Aha

Jarman: So out of your two dads one stepdad and one asshole who were you calling

Bunny boy: the asshole

Dove galore: I'm a dad ;w;

Bunny boy: spy dad hey i need u for somethin

SPY: Non

Bunny boy: wy not

SPY: Assholes don't get involved with their kids they just want a 'hot peec of ass'

Bunny boy: if u dont wanna go to the assassin expo with me then sure

Bunny boy: ill just invite vati

SPY: What was that you said, my darling child

Heavy: I lost plot

Heavy: What is this conversation about

Jarman: Don't worry Heavy

Jarman: I lost the plot too

Jarman: Long long ago

Chapter 18: WHICH STORE? THE SOUP STORE!

Scout's the man, Scout's the master: bug mick where are u

Find me in the outback: By the coffee

Scout's the man, Scout's the master: cant find u

Find me in the outback: How

Bubbles & flashfires: I'm literally wearing the brightest shade of pink I could find in the adult section

Find me in the outback: HOW

Scout's the man, Scout's the master: i dunno i just cant see u 2!

Find me in the outback: Scout

Find me in the outback: Roo

Find me in the outback: Jeremy

Find me in the outback: Jaybird

Find me in the outback: WHICH FUCKING STORE ARE YOU AT?

Scout's the man, Scout's the master: the one with the little wingy thingy on the siyn

Find me in the outback: JEREMY HOW DID YOU END UP AT THE WRONF SRORE

Find me in the outback: WERE IN FUCKINF TARGER

Bubbles & flashfires: Walmart. We're in fucking Walmart, Mick

Find me in the outback: Oh

Find me in the outback: OH

Find me in the outback: I hate this

Bubbles & flashfires: Jeremy how the fuck did you end up in some random corner shop?

Scout's the man, Scout's the master: i dont kno

Scout's the man, Scout's the master: come pick me up guys im hungry

Scout's the man, Scout's the master: & this place dosnt sell any bonk

Find me in the outback: We're coming roo

Scout's the man, Scout's the master: im strong im strong im not gonna make a dirty joke im a changed man

Bubbles & flashfires: Good on you, Scooty

I'm so sorry: slap dat booty

I'm so sorry: im sorry

I'm so sorry: i had to

Bubbles & flashfires: You wouldn't be you without dropping a dirty joke in there

Chapter 19: What's zhis? A plot?

The Medic: Can someone explain to me what happened out on the battlefield today?

RED Engineer: Uh, no clue

The Medic: How in the world did those BLU dummkopfe capture Heavy!

The Medic: HEAVY!

The Medic: Why the fuck is my fiance being held hostage!

RED Engineer: I wish I knew, doc

Jarman: Pretty sure they were going for you, mate

The Medic: That's understandable, because a team without their medic is useless.

Better batter: hey!

The Medic: But how, then, did they manage to capture HEAVY!

SPY: We'll have to exchange some of our intelligence for him now

The Medic: I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID INTELLIGENCE!

The Medic: MY FIANCE IS IN THE CLUTCHES OF THE BLUS!

RED Engineer: Lu, you're stressing yourself out, it ain't good for you

RED Engineer: Let's just put our heads together and brainstorm a way to get the big guy back in one piece, ok?

SPY: Engineer is talking sense, we aren't doing anything useful just standing around and arguing

The Medic: Right, you're right, of course you are. Stress is known to lower people's life expectancies and increases their risk of a heart attack, etc etc. Ok, ok, I promise I'm calm now, for the most part.

The Medic: Right. Engineer, Spy, Soldier. I will see you in the War Room in five minutes.

SPY: Oui, I will be there

American patriot: AFIRMATIVE, DOCTOR!

RED Engineer: We'll wait for you, Lu. You go get yourself a drink and maybe a snack

The Medic: Dell, don't baby me.

RED Engineer: Sorry I'm shutting up now!

Jarman: Well that was stressful

Better batter: think theyr gone now

Better batter: ?

Heavy: Da, they are

Better batter: HEAVY??

Jarman: ????

Heavy: Da, is me

Jarman: Are you ok??

Better batter: what are they doing too u there

Heavy: Mostly?

Heavy: Friedrich is flirting

Heavy: Is worse torture than anything Heavy has gone through

Heavy: Is even worse than Ludwig

Heavy: Send help

Bubbles & flashfires: They let you keep your comm?

Kablooey: If hes worse than Lutz at flirting then its really bad

Heavy: Da, is bad. And da, I kept comm

Heavy: I am in room, sitting on chair

Heavy: No guards, not tied, just BLU doktor and his terrible one lines

Heavy: There is sort of agreement I won't escape

Better batter: u planing to escape

Better batter: ?

Heavy: Don't know yet

Heavy: Will see how it works out

Heavy: Depends on how pushy Fritz be

Jarman: That anklebiter still going at it?

Heavy: Da

Bubbles & flashfires: He still thinks you will leave Ludwig for him?

Heavy: Da

Heavy: Does not understand Heavy has family already 

Heavy: Does not understand Heavy prefers older men

Heavy: And not little baby doktor

Kablooey: Hes not that young

Kablooey: Were the same age

Heavy: Da, and Heavy would not date little Demoman either

Heavy: Heavy have a thing for, hmm, what is word

Heavy: Being classy

Better batter: fancy shmancy more like

Jarman: Does Fritz know you've got your comm?

Heavy: Da

Heavy: Is looking over my shoulder

Heavy: Grumble grumble, goes little baby man

Heavy: Like doktor, but not as cute

Better batter: hey hey hey hey

Better batter: switch ur speakers on for a sec

Heavy: AJBRJ

Heavy: SCOUT

Bubbles & flashfires: Oh no, what did he do

Heavy: YELL INTO MICROPHONE!

Heavy: I will crush you like little baby

Heavy: You broke my comm

Heavy: Made Fritz knock out of my hand

Heavy: You will regret it

Ah shit: hey i kinda gave you a warning tho!

Heavy: Will be in a world of pain

Bubbles & flashfires: -_-

Jarman: *facepalm*

Ah shit: oh dont you ** at me snipes!

The Medic: Jeremy.

The Medic: Jeremy, I know you're there.

Ah shit: yes doc?

The Medic: Why did you scream into your communication device?

Ah shit: u had urs on stil

The Medic: Yes. I did.

Ah shit: i uh

Ah shit: heavy stil has his comm &fritz is flirting with him so i thout id scare him!

The Medic: Lieber?

The Medic: Mikhail.

Heavy: Da, doktor?

The Medic: You, Mein Herr, are sleeping in your own room for the next month.

The Medic: Am I making myself clear?

Heavy: I don't respond to little BLU doktor I promise! 

Heavy: You are only doktor for me! 

Heavy: My dove 

Heavy: My Lutzenka

Heavy: My beloved

Heavy: Please

Heavy: Please

The Medic: You had your communication device on you the entire time, you clearly saw the messages everyone was sending, you are currently messaging us despite being 'captured', and yet you didn't even deign to respond ONCE while I was ripping my hair out worrying about how to save you!

The Medic: You put me in this position, Mikhail Nabokov, and then you stress me out on top of all your other wrongdoings!

Ah shit: other rongdoings?

The Medic: Now you deserve to SUFFER!

Heavy: Noooooooooooooooooo

Heavy: Doktor pleeeeeeeeease

Ah shit: what rongdoings

The Medic: Your own room. For a MONTH!

The Medic: I am switching my communication device off now, so do not try to beg. Good bye.

Bubbles & flashfires: Wow, a full month

Kablooey: Kinda harsh

Heavy: ;w;

Ah shit: what other rongdoings

Jarman: Good luck with that, big guy

Heavy: Wish respawn was on

Kablooey: So that you can kill yourself?

Heavy: Nyet, so I can kill Fritz

Heavy: Little something! I don't know 

Heavy: Little brat!

Heavy: Engineer, I need cyrillic keyboard

Heavy: Need to swear properly

Heavy: Little brat doktor is getting on nerves

Ah shit: is anyone gonna answer me

Ah shit: what did hev do

Kablooey: Good luck dealing with the blu doc, Heavy

RED Engineer: Cyrillic keyboard, got it. I'll see if I can program your current keyboard for it

Heavy: Good, thank you

RED Engineer: You want me to talk to Lu?

Heavy: Engineer, you are good friend

Heavy: But sometime you sticking nose in not your business worsens situation

Heavy: Please take nose out of my business

RED Engineer: :( alright, if you say so. I'll go back to helping Lu plan how to get you from the BLUs

Heavy: Da, thank you

Heavy: Now I see how long BLU doktor can hold breath before he turn blue

Ah shit: hey what the fuck did doc meen by other rongdoings!

Ah shit: hey!

Jarman: Shut up roo

Ah shit: fine

Chapter 20: Enter Miss P stage left

Miss F. Pauling: Boys 

Miss F. Pauling: Pyro

Miss F. Pauling: Spy

Dr Sawbones: Fraulein! Hallo! 

Betta batta: heya miss p did engy make u a comm with a keybord too

Betta batta: ?

Miss F. Pauling: Yes, he did

Miss F. Pauling: Thank you for that btw, Engie

Betta betta: btw?

Miss F. Pauling: By the way

Miss F. Pauling: I dont have time to spell everything out

Miss F. Pauling: Busy, yknow

SPY: Of course, we understand

Kaboom: Yeah, we just werent expecting that is all

Dr Sawbones: What do you need from us, Fraulein?

Miss F. Pauling: Nthing

Miss F. Pauling: Just checking 

Miss F. Pauling: See if the comm works

RED Engineer: Its authentic Conagher technology, Miss P!

Miss F. Pauling: I know, Engie

Miss F. Pauling: Yr work never fails

Miss F. Pauling: Brb gotta shoot someone

Dr Sawbones: Brb?

Betta batta: be right back i think

Dr Sawbones: Oh, I'm going to hate this, aren't I?

Heavy: Da, me too

Betta batta: heh old man doc

SPY: Scout, if you start using these phrases, I'm disowning you

Betta batta: too late for that huh

SPY: I can disown you a second time, don't test me

Miss F. Pauling: Oh btw Im currently across the border of NM & Arizona

Miss F. Pauling: Comm still works!

Miss F. Pauling: The range on this thing

RED Engineer: Authentic Conagher technology, just as I said!

Miss F. Pauling: Do BLUs have some?

RED Engineer: If they do, I didn't make it

The Huntsman: They do BLU Pyro showed up in our channel that one time

RED Engineer: Right, he did

RED Engineer: Thanks, slim

The Huntsman: Don't mention it Engie

SPY: So, can we hope that in the future you will message us instead of calling us over the comms when you have a job

Miss F. Pauling: Already said sry for that one Spy

Miss F. Pauling: Pls it was a mistake

Betta batta: wait what happened

SPY: I was sneaking up on the BLU Spy once, as you do

SPY: When our dear Miss Pauling called me

SPY: She had an important job for me to do

SPY: But, of course, I couldn't reply

SPY: Because of a severed jugular vein and me choking on my own blood

Miss F. Pauling: Sniper how do you do the little faces

The Huntsman: Like this ;-;

Miss F. Pauling: ;-;

Miss F. Pauling: Thnks Sniper

The Huntsman: No worries!

Chapter 21: The return of prankster Engie Part 1

Bubbles & flashfires: Spy

SPY: Oui, my fiery friend

Bubbles & flashfires: Where are you

SPY: In my smoking room, why

Bubbles & flashfires: Why are you in your smoking room

SPY: Talkative today aren't we

SMOKESTACK: I'm smoking

SMOKESTACK: Why did my name change suddenly

Bubbles & flashfires: Why are you smoking and not doing useful things

SPY: Smoking is very useful

Bubbles & flashfires: Spy

SPY: What

Bubbles & flashfires: Why are you still sitting there doing nothing

SPY: Because I want to

Bubbles & flashfires: Its chore day

SPY: Oui

Bubbles & flashfires: And you have chores

SPY: I had one chore and I already completed it

Bubbles & flashfires: Where are your shirts you french menace

French Menace: My shirts

French Menace: Why does my name keep changing

SPY: What do you need with my shirts, Pyro

Bubbles & flashfires: I need your shirts to iron

Bubbles & flashfires: Im the only person on this entire base who understands how to use this ancient clothes iron without burning the base down

Bubbles & flashfires: You don't want a repeat of vati's 'stove coffee' incident, french fry

SPY: No I don't

SPY: I don't think any of us want it

SPY: Maybe except you and our doctor

SPY: Although I was certain I passed the shirts to Dell, I don't understand why he hasn't given them to you yet

Bubbles & flashfires: I haven't seen Engie today at all

Wine sipper: You haven't, huh

Wine sipper: My name! Again!

Bubbles & flashfires: Is something wrong with your comm, french toast?

SPY: Not that I can see

SPY: Although I suppose there could be something wrong on the inside

SPY: I may have to leave it with Dell

SPY: Although now I can't be sure I can trust him to not misplace it

JERK: It would be a shame if he did

JERK: AHA! I knew it!

SPY: Engineer

SPY: Engineer!

SPY: Dell Conagher, I want an explanation!

RED Engineer: Well, you see, Spah

RED Engineer: You're cute when you're angry?

SPY: Engineer!

SPY: How

SPY: How do you even manage this

RED Engineer: I made them there devices, you really think I don't have a way to remotely control them?

SPY: Who else

RED Engineer: Pardon?

SPY: Who else have you done this to

RED Engineer: Well, mostly you, but there was that one time with Scoot, and I might have taught Heavy how to do it after doc found out the big guy was messing with his comm

SPY: Pyro

Bubbles & flashfires: Si?

SPY: I propose a truce

SPY: An uncommon thing for Spies, Pyros, & Engineers, but a truce nonetheless

Bubbles & flashfires: Im listening

RED Engineer: Go on, french-toast

SPY: You two, me, & Scout's comm

SPY: I know he has a private channel for talking with the bushman

Bubbles & flashfires: You're on, french menace

RED Engineer: Now that's why I love this team!

Bubbles & flashfires: Wait!

Bubbles & flashfires: Pyro

Bubbles & flashfires: Pyro

Bubbles & flashfires: Pyro

Bubbles & flashfires: Pyro

Bubbles & flashfires: Pyro

Bubbles & flashfires: Pyro

SPY: Pyro, what

Bubbles & flashfires: It's so that no one can see the previous messages when they log on

The one and only Medic: Ahem.

RED Engineer: Lu! How nice to see you!

The one and only Medic: Buy my silence, Dell.

SPY: I know a guy who can import you some German bread and beer in bulk, at a very reasonable price

The one and only Medic (now with bread and beer): Your secrets are safe with me. (;

RED Engineer: Darn

Bubbles & flashfires: Where are those shirts, Engie!

RED Engineer: Right here, ma'am!

Chapter 22: The return of prankster Engie Part 2

Mick: *tips my hat at you* what's a pretty thing like you doing here this fine evening?

Jeremy: *huffs* cut the crap, detective! You know wy Im here

Mick: *I chuckle, getting closer to you* do I, love?

Jerma: *I get right up in your face & poke you in the chest with my finger* I know you have info I need, Detective Mundy. Info about my dead father

Jerma: (man what the fuck)

Mick: (What's up roo?)

Jeremy: (my comms messed up again my name changed for no reason!)

Mick: (Maybe you should have Engie look at it again?)

Jeremy: (& have him look at out chats? nah)

Mick: (Alright we'll finish it up and then delete it and you can take it to Engie)

Mick: (Where did we leave off on?)

Mick: (Oh right)

Wanker: *tips your chin up with the tip of my finger* Maybe I do, yeah, but who says I'm gonna share it with you

Wanker: (The fuck?)

Jeremy: (man now ur comms busted too!)

Mick: ('Authentic Conagher tech' my ass)

Jeremy: *gets even closer leening in to wisper in your ear* Im prepared to do anything for that info, detective. Im even prepared to kill

GET AWAY FROM MY FUCKING SON: *grabs your hips* is that right, love?

Baby boy, baby: WHAT THE FUCK MICK!

GET AWAY FROM MY FUCKING SON: WHAT THE FUCKWHATTHEFUCKWAHTHEIFUCKQHATIOTCK

Baby boy, baby: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

GET AWAY FROM MY FUCKING SON: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

SPY: WHAT WAS THAT

Bubbles & flashfires: Roleplay

SPY: WHAT

Bubbles & flashfires: You take on a role, pretend you're playing a character, & speak as that character

Bubbles & flashfires: Jay, Mick, & me do that a lot

Bubbles & flashfires: Tav & Jane get in on it sometimes

SPY: You have massive text orgies??

Bubbles & flashfires: Get your head out of the gutter french fry!

Bubbles & flashfires: Most of the time we pretend we're, like, characters from TV shows or comic books, & we go on adventures in space & stuff

Bubbles & flashfires: Its like that game Miss P played with us, Gravel & Gargoyles or whatever, just that is over text & without dressing up

Bubbles & flashfire: Mick & Jay like pretending theyre a pair of detectives going on adventures around the world trying to save people, who fall in love along the way

Bubbles & flashfire: I sometimes play their sidekick c:

RED Engineer: Sounds kinda fun

SPY: Dell!

Bubbles & flashfires: Not our fault youre old, french toast

Bubbles & flashfires: Also it IS fun, Engie!

RED Engineer: Sounds like it!

Bubbles & flashfires: You should join us some time, we've been trying to get Misha & Lutz to join us for this huge campaign where were all magical creatures from some fantasy land, & we go on a quest for something or other

RED Engineer: Oo, fun

Bubbles & flashfires: Yeah! My character is a humanoid dragon who felt alienated from her dragon kin, so she decided to join a band of magical mercenaries & travel the world

RED Engineer: Wow!

RED Engineer: Could I be some sort of dwarf? I recently read this book where the dwarves are these master builders who live under a mountain and all

Bubbles & flashfires: Of course! That sounds awesome!

SPY: Oh my goooooooooood!

Bubbles & flashfires: You want to join us, french toast?

SPY: No!

Bubbles & flashfires: Sucks to suck Spy

SPY: I'm going to kill that bushman

RED Engineer: Hey, Lu

Walked backwards out of hell, flipping the devil off: Ja?

The Medic: Jacques?

SPY: Imsorrysimstosuroismsurosrnsusur

SPY: I'll leave the bushman and my son to their 'roleplay'

A happy medic is a medic with twenty doves: That's what I like to see.

RED Engineer: I should seriously give you a character limit, Lu

 

Jeremy: fuck how did spy get on here

Mick: Bet Engie had something to do with it

Jeremy: fuck

Mick: You alright roo?

Mick: Want me to come over?

Jeremy: no mickey hes proly prowlin the corridors & i dont wanna see u get shanked

Mick: Sneak out to my van then

Mick: Bed's small but we can cuddle if you lay on top of me

Jeremy: i like that idea fine im going

Mick: You didn't answer my question roo

Jeremy: im fine mickey im just pissed that spys such an asshole to u

Jeremy: i like u dammit its not like ur forcing me into shit

Jeremy: also im an adult i can drive i can smoke i can drink

Jeremy: im a professional killer hoo went to juvie at 15 for beeting a kid to death!

Jeremy: it aint like ur gonna corupt me or anything!

Jeremy: i just wish spy woold calm down 

Jeremy: medic keeps thretening him but it dosnt work

Jeremy: he wants to act like my dad when hes not been that since i was 3 & cant get it that u make me happy

Mick: He'll get there eventually, roo

Jeremy: promise?

Mick: Promise

Jeremy: im outside the van i promise its me u can open up

 

SPY: Dell

RED Engineer: Yes, Jacques?

SPY: I need your help

RED Engineer: Anything you want, partner

SPY: I need your help apologising to Jeremy

RED Engineer: My door is open, come in

SPY: Thank you

Notes:

The bit with Pyro talking about their fantasy roleplay is an actual AU I have for TF2 where Spy gets isekied to a fantasy universe where the other mercs are a gang of magical swords-for-hire
I'm thinking of writing out their text roleplay campaign, but maybe in a separate fic? I dunno, let me know what you peeps think

Chapter 23: A tale of two Pyros

Summary:

Time for some BLU intros!
Seeing as I headcanon the BLU team to be completely separate characters to the RED team, I'll leave a guide of who is who at the bottom of this chapter, including the Spys & Pyros as I use my own fan names for them

Bubbles & flashfires: Beetle, you there?

Firecracking freakazoid: Sup, Bug

Firecracking freakazoid: Whatchu doing?

Bubbles & flashfires: Kinda bored

Bubbles & flashfires: Guarding Dell's nest

Firecracking freakazoid: Same, guarding Kell's nest now

Firecracking freakazoid: Ken's*

Bubbles & flashfires: Damn can you believe these two are twins?

Bubbles & flashfires: They're nothing alike

Firecracking freakazoid: Bug they're identical twins

Bubbles & flashfires: Yeah, but their personalitites, Beets!

Firecracking freakazoid: Buggy, just because John & Jane are both lead-poisioned maniacs with a boner for war & America

Firecracking freakazoid: That doesn't mean all siblings are the same

Firecracking freakazoid: Also personaliTITes 

Firecracking freakazoid: Aint that what Ludwig has?

Bubbles & flashfires: Hush

Bubbles & flashfires: Also, my little brother & me were very similar

Bubbles & flashfires: Ok ok, but look at James & Jeremy

Firecracking freakazoid: They're half brothers

Bubbles & flashfires: Still counts, & they're very similar too

Firecracking freakazoid: Yeah but James is more of a dick than Jeremy

Firecracking freakazoid: At least in my experience

Bubbles & flashfires: When Jay does it its kinda endearing

Bubbles & flashfires: Jamie is just a dick

Firecracking freakazoid: So's Lionel

Bubbles & flashfires: Oh, no, Jacques is a dick too

Bubbles & flashfires: Where do you think the Scouts got it from?

Bubbles & flashfires: He pretends he doesnt care for us & then acts like a dick to hide the fact he does care

Bubbles & flashfires: Good thing Ludwig is there to reign him in

Firecracking freakazoid: I wish there was someone to reign Lionel in

Firecracking freakazoid: Fritz is useless

Firecracking freakazoid: All he does is drool over Mikhail & get his ass kicked by Ludwig, & then run to Jamie for comfort

Firecracking freakazoid: At least Lutz is actually useful

Bubbles & flashfires: I mean, yeah

Bubbles & flashfires: But hes, how do I say this

Bubbles & flashfires: Intense

Bubbles & flashfires: Forgets to sleep & eat kinda intense

Bubbles & flashfires: At least Friedrich doesn't keep you guys up at night cackling madly in his lab

Firecracking freakazoid: If he did that I think Alexei would just beat his ass

Bubbles & flashfires: Those two still not getting along?

Firecracking freakazoid: Not one bit, not

Firecracking freakazoid: Theyre jealous your Heavy & Medic are such a good pair

Firecracking freakazoid: Doesnt help that each of them has the hots for your power couple

Bubbles & flashfires: Poor Alexei cant catch a break, he just can't compete with Misha

Firecracking freakazoid: I guess Fritz is poor too? Although I dont see how he could ever compare to Lutz they're nothing alike

Firecracking freakazoid: You gotta be a special kinda person to think dating Ludwig is a good idea

Bubbles & flashfires: You also gotta be a special kinda person to be part of this whole gravel war, so I think Mikhail & Alexei are just like that

Bubbles & flashfires: But also Mikhail keeps going on about how he has a thing for 'older men', so Fritz didnt stand a chance even if Misha WAS into normal doctors

Bubbles & flashfires: How old is your doc by the way?

Firecracking freakazoid: 35, same as your demo

Bubbles & flashfires: Right, isnt your demo the same age as well?

Firecracking freakazoid: Oh, nah Cormac is a year younger than Tavish

Firecracking freakazoid: Its Mike that's the same age

Bubbles & flashfires: Hehe

Bubbles & flashfires: Mick & Mike

Bubbles & flashfires: The two Michaels

Bubbles & flashfires: Two Michael Snipers

Firecracking freakazoid: Bug your weird

Bubbles & flashfires: So are you Beetle

Bubbles & flashfires: Wait so if your doc is, like, one of the youngest people there

Bubbles & flashfires: Who is the oldest?

Firecracking freakazoid: John & Lionel

Firecracking freakazoid: Also he aint one of the youngest

Firecracking freakazoid: Hes like right in the centre

Bubbles & flashfires: Damn hes going grey early

Bubbles & flashfires: At least it makes sense for Lutz to be going grey at 50

Firecracking freakazoid: Eh it kinda suits him

Bubbles & flashfires: Who Fritz?

Firecracking freakazoid: Yeah

Firecracking freakazoid: Sure, he looks like a kid next to Ludwig

Firecracking freakazoid: But it makes him kinda distinguished

Bubbles & flashfires: Shame hes such a brat tho, huh?

Firecracking freakazoid: Bug, half of my damn team are a buncha brats

Firecracking freakazoid: John's a vengeful idiot

Firecracking freakazoid: Lionel is a selfish ass

Firecracking freakazoid: James is a jealous idiot

Firecracking freakazoid: Alexei is an apathetic thug

Firecracking freakazoid: Fritz is a brat, plain & simple

Firecracking freakazoid: Mike is a lazy fuck

Firecracking freakazoid: And Ken would probably be the only normal one, if not for the fact he's if he didn't have chronic 'stuck in my brother's shadow' syndrome

Bubbles & flashfires: What about Cormac?

Firecracking freakazoid: Demo's cool

Firecracking freakazoid: I like Demo

Firecracking freakazoid: Sucks he's straight tho

Bubbles & flashfires: Sucks that

Firecracking freakazoid: But he's cool to blow stuff up with

Bubbles & flashfires: Pyromaniac

Firecracking freakazoid: Aren't we both?

Bubbles & flashfires: Hehe

Firecracking freakazoid: Oh goodie, Ken's here

Firecracking freakazoid: Talk to you later Buggy!

Bubbles & flashfires: See ya on the battlefield Beets!

Firecracking freakazoid: I aint gonna go easy on you, sistah!

Bubbles & flashfires: Bruh

Firecracking freakazoid: Hehe, bye

Bubbles & flashfires: See ya!

Notes:

Beetle: BLU Pyro
Bug: RED Pyro
Jacques: RED Spy
Lionel: BLU Spy
Fritz/Friedrich: BLU Medic
Alexei: BLU Heavy
John: BLU Soldier
Cormac: BLU Demo
Ken: BLU Engineer
James/Jamie: BLU Scout
Mike: BLU Sniper

Chapter 24: Meet the BLUs!

Summary:

This has been set up since chapter 1, but 24 chapters in & we finally see the BLU team on their own comms!
I introduced these guys last chapter as well, but I'll leave the guide here again just in case

Notes:

Lionel: Spy
Fritz/Friedrich: Medic
James/Jamie: Scout
John: Soldier
Ken: Engineer
Mike: Sniper
Alexei: Heavy
Cormac: Demo
Beetle: Pyro

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I want him gone! Gone, I say!

Ken Conagher: Fritz, calm down.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: No! That old geezer shouldn't even be here!

Hit da bricks, pal: Aint he the one who built that damn gun your using?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: James don't test my patience

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Yes Ludwig Humboldt is a brilliant scientist who, despite being batshit crazy and seemingly only doing things 'because he got curious', who was able to create the medigun, the medifluid formulas, and perfected the art of healing on the battlefield

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: But he's old and ugly and I should get Misha instead of him!

Boom-ka-boom: Scout, boyo, I feel sorry for you

Hit da bricks, pal: Shut up, demo

The Lion of 2fort: Look, Fritz, I want that madman gone as much as you

The Lion of 2fort: But 1. You are a fucking brat!

The Lion of 2fort: 2. You're not the battle medic here, he is, and the administration will always prefer him over you

The Lion of 2fort: 3. You're a brat! You're young and inexperienced and your bedside manner is abysmal, you barely qualify as a nurse!

The Lion of 2fort: 4. How do you suggest we get rid of the RED Medic when we're not allowed to kill each other 'for real' anymore

Ken Conagher: I'm gonna go see how John and Mike are doing. Don't contact me.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I know!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Why don't we set him up?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Plant something on him?

Hit da bricks, pal: Smart thinking pally!

The Lion of 2fort: No. No its not

Hit da bricks, pal: Fuck

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Why not??

The Lion of 2fort: What exactly are we supposed to plant on him in the first place?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I dunno

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Pyro, think of something

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: You hang out with RED Pyro sometimes, don't you?

Firecracking freakazoid: Yeah but thats only useful for planting the thing on the doctor

Firecracking freakazoid: We still dont know what to plant

The Lion of 2fort: See, because there isnt anything to plant!

Boom-ka-boom: Bloody hell ain't there something we could steal from the administration?

The Lion of 2fort: Good luck with that, i'm not helping

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Alexei had an idea

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Yes, I say someone on team go into RED channel, and try to see if there is any dirt we can get on the RED Medic

Hit da bricks, pal: Like on the comms?

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Like on the comms, yes

Hit da bricks, pal: Alexei? Pally? Why? What the fuck? Since when do you wanna help us?

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: I am team player

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: The fact I have crush on RED Medic is not important

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Unlike some, I understand Ludwig is off limits

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: I understand he and Mikhail won't separate

Boom-ka-boom: They're engaged, aren't they?

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Yeshahabjjfi

Hit da bricks, pal: Alexei?

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Fritz smack me with pillow

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Unlike you I still haven't given up hope that Mikhail will change his mind & go out with someone more suited to him

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Although, unlike you, I'm attracted to normal men & not crazy ex doctors

Boom-ka-boom: Why are you writing to him if hes right next to you

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Shut up

Hit da bricks, pal: Hey, do I count into that 'normal men' category?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Yes Jamie

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: You do

Hit da bricks, pal: Sweet

The Lion of 2fort: Fuck, alright, I'll tell Conagher the plan and ask him if he could manage to break into his brother's channel

The Lion of 2fort: I'll keep you updated on the progress

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Danke, Lionel

The Lion of 2fort: You owe me one, Friedrich

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: You better hope I don't cut you open in the middle of the night & replace your lungs with fish gills

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Thats the 'one' I owe you

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Now I'm gonna be busy for a few hours

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: That stupid RED Soldier ruined my medigun & I have to fix it

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Good day

The Lion of 2fort: Jamie why do you still hang out with that man?

Hit da bricks, pal: Because I think he's hot

The Lion of 2fort: He clearly doesn't think of you as anything more than a good fuck

Hit da bricks, pal: Yeah not like hes good for much else either

Hit da bricks, pal: Too hung up over RED Heavy, and constantly getting his ass kicked by RED Medic

The Lion of 2fort: Jamie, you don't want something more?

Hit da bricks, pal: In a war zone? Man Im not crazy like the docs are

Hit da bricks, pal: There aint no love to be found in a war zone

Hit da bricks, pal: Maybe after our contracts ill see if Fritz calmed down

Hit da bricks, pal: But right now?

Boom-ka-boom: At least Ken and John seem happy

Hit da bricks, pal: Helmet heads theyd be happy together even without being together

Boom-ka-boom: You believe in soulmates, James?

Hit da bricks, pal: Dont piss me off cormac

Boom-ka-boom: If Fritz was any smarter, he would. And he'd realise Ludwig and Mikhail can't be separated. He'd realise their souls are intertwined, joined by a red string of fate

Hit da bricks, pal: Bullshit

Boom-ka-boom: Shut up, you wee cunt! Why do you think they work so well on the battlefield together!

Hit da bricks, pal: Bitch, they're just good at communicating!

The Lion of 2fort: I'm bored of this conversation

The Lion of 2fort: Care to join me for a smoke, Beetle?

Firecracking freakazoid: I'll grab my cigars

Chapter 25: I'm So Sorry by Imagine Dragons

Notes:

Hey, just a reminder cause I forgot to mention this in previous chapters, but if you wanna chat TF2 with me, I'm over on tumblr under the name shephardofthedamned, & that's shephArd & not shephErd because I'm too lazy to change that typo

SPY: Scout, can you come to my room for a moment

Sir Bonkalot: busy

SPY: Scout, this is urgent

Sir Bonkalot: cant it wait

SPY: No, it cannot

Sir Bonkalot: fine be there in a few

Sir Bonkalot: wy r u texting me on a priv chanel tho

SPY: I'm testing something out for Engineer

Sir Bonkalot: shure u r

Sir Bonkalot: im heer u can open the door

Sir Bonkalot: spy what is this

Sir Bonkalot: shut up

Sir Bonkalot: no i wont talk to u

Sir Bonkalot: shut up

Sir Bonkalot: r u serius!

Sir Bonkalot: if i open my mouth now im gonna cry u ass!

Sir Bonkalot: all this for me

Sir Bonkalot: me?

Sir Bonkalot: wy

Sir Bonkalot: sory for what

Sir Bonkalot: u shoold say sory to snipes as well u kno

Sir Bonkalot: glad u at least admited it

Sir Bonkalot: is that a new doggy bed for buster

Sir Bonkalot: & a limited edition baseball card!

Sir Bonkalot: u got me a sketchbook

Sir Bonkalot: how did u even kno i draw

Sir Bonkalot: oh

Sir Bonkalot: dammit

Sir Bonkalot: ur making me cry dammit!

Sir Bonkalot: fine fine

Sir Bonkalot: apology acepted

Sir Bonkalot: thanks for all the apology gifts, dad

Sir Bonkalot: but u stil owe snipes one too

Sir Bonkalot: hes a great guy when u get to kno him

SPY: I'll take your word on it, Jeremy

Notes:

A slightly more down to earth chapter. If you're confused about what's happening, Spy is talking out loud while Scout is texting him, but they're in the same room & all

Chapter 26: Late night nothings

Summary:

After 10 chapters, the cat's finally out of the bag. What started out as a joke & a plot hole, ended up in me deciding to make this canon.
I hope you enjoy

Heavy: Ludwig

When the world gives you doves, cuddle them: Heavy, not now. You will wake the rest of the team.

Heavy: Nyet, is private channel

Heavy: Engineer made for us

When the world gives you doves, cuddle them: Oh, alright.

Heavy: Doktor?

When the world gives you doves, cuddle them: What is it that you want?

Heavy: Am sorry. Can I come back now?

When the world gives you doves, cuddle them: Nein.

Heavy: Has been two weeks! Is not punishment enough?

Musings of a field medic: Mikhail, this isn't a punishment.

Heavy: Then what?

Musings of a field medic: I'm just not feeling like myself, Kuschelbär. For obvious reasons, as I'm sure you know.

Musings of a field medic: I just feel, I don't know. Maybe angry, and I want to be by myself for a bit.

Musings of a field medic: We spend our entire days together, why can't I be alone for the night at least? 

Heavy: I understand

Heavy: Am sorry

Musings of a field medic: Sorry for what?

Heavy: Doing stupid thing

Feathers in my hair: Lieber, you were drunk. We both were, myself even more so than you.

Heavy: But I make first move, I ask doktor to do it

Feathers in my hair: Don't take my agency away from me, Mikhail, especially when we were both DRUNK.

Heavy: But I ask doktor to keep it

Feathers in my hair: I want it too, you idiot!

Heavy: But doktor has to deal with problem now, because of me

Feathers in my hair: Ja, and I'm going to be a big problem for you, Bärchen.

Heavy: Why is doktor angry?

Musings of a field medic: I'm not, not really. Just upset and stressed. We're in a warzone, of course people are going to get hurt, and I shouldn't get so upset over it.

Musings of a field medic: I hate being human sometimes, and having human emotions.

Musings of a field medic: I deserved to be born something better, something greater!

Heavy: But then doktor would not meet me

Heavy: Could not hold doktor, hug doktor, kiss doktor, make love to doktor

Musings of a field medic: Could not knock doktor up while we're both drunk, hmm?

Heavy: I should change my name

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: Hmm?

Heavy: From Heavy Weapons Guy

Heavy: To Heavy Regrets Guy

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: Misha!

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: You know what?

Heavy: Da?

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: I changed my mind. Come here, I miss you.

Heavy: I go!

Heavy: Raaaaah!

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: Misha!

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: Stop it, you're making me laugh. I'll wake Spy and Sniper up!

Heavy: Sorry, sorry

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: Mikhail.

Heavy: Da?

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: How are we going to tell the team?

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: They will find out I'm pregnant eventually, whether we want it or not.

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: We're at war, Misha, and I'll eventually have to take a furlough.

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: Besides, I balloon up horribly during the fifth month, and it's not something I can just hide.

Heavy: Will burn bridge when we get there

Heavy: I be here for you, always, protect you and keep you safe

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: I'm pretty sure that's not how you use that idiom, but I like your idea anyway.

Heavy: And I like doktor

Heavy I like doktor a lot, promise to be best husband doktor has ever had

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: Flatterer. 

Little dove, little dove, sing me a song: Get over here!

Heavy: I am at your door

Heavy: Let me in мое сердце

Notes:

For the record, THIS IS NOT MPREG. Mpreg is a fetish category, & although I am all for it, I don't want anyone labelling anything related to this fic as mpreg. Mpreg is a fetish category where CISMEN get pregnant, while this is a transmasc character who presents as a man getting pregnant. As a transman myself, I don't want any mentions of trans pregnancy being labeled as 'mpreg' in my comments, & I will delete any comments that do that. Trans pregnancy is not a fetish, I am not writing this as a fetish, I am writing this because I am a trans guy who wants to be a dad one day, & I like writing about my favourite characters resembling me.

I'll repeat: THIS IS NOT MPREG, THIS IS NOT FETISH CONTENT, THIS IS A PREGNANT TRANSMAN WRITTEN BY ANOTHER TRANSMAN.

Chapter 27: Private chattage

An apple a day won't keep this doctor away: I don't know why, Misha.

An apple a day won't keep this doctor away: It can't have anything to do with my work as a Medic, with my medigun or anything else.

An apple a day won't keep this doctor away: Menopause is a result of the body running out of egg cells, and not some nebulous definition of aging.

An apple a day won't keep this doctor away: I could simply be a part of the percentage of people who get it in their 50s rather than their 40s.

Scootiliscious: whatchu talking about & wy r u talking about it on the team chat?

An apple a day won't keep this doctor away: Fick.

Heavy: Little Scout does not need to know

Scootiliscious: wy not

An apple a day won't keep this doctor away: Because we said so.

Scootiliscious: cmon doc i kno ur an old man so most modern tech is kinda above u

Scootiliscious: but im shure u kno the diference between public & private chats

An apple a day won't keep this doctor away: It was a simple misclick, junge.

An apple a day won't keep this doctor away: We are going to continue this conversation in our own private channel.

Scootiliscious: see ya

An apple a day won't keep this doctor away: Good bye, hase. Remember to drink some water!

An apple a day won't keep this doctor away: Or at least something non-radioactive.

An apple a day won't keep this doctor away: Please.

Snoiper: Why do you think they were talking about menopause?

Scootiliscious: cos doc is at that sorta age

Scootiliscious: ?

Snoiper: Yeah but shouldnt he be happy he's not going through it yet?

Scootiliscious: wy

Scootiliscious: it stops u from making more of the female hormone

Scootiliscious: E

Scootiliscious: wooldnt doc prefer that?

Snoiper: You dont make any 'E' after doc took your inside balls

Scootiliscious: but he has all his parts stil

Snoiper: Exactly so he makes 'E' and doesnt seem to care

Scootiliscious: gess so

Snoiper: Why did he keep it tho he cant get pregnant

Scootiliscious: he can

Snoiper: He can??

Scootiliscious: ye cos he has all the parts

Snoiper: You think they wanna start a family?

Scootiliscious: na

Scootiliscious: were at war after all

Snoiper: True, true

Chapter 28: Pootis spencer here

Heavy: Engineer!

RED Engineer: Yeah?

Heavy: Put dispenser down!

RED Engineer: What why!

Heavy: Now!

RED Engineer: I'm going I'm doing it!

Australian Kiwi: Mate what happened!

Heavy: Is doktor

Fire-flipping-awesome: Is he alright?

Heavy: ;w;

Heavy: Doktor choke

Australian Kiwi: Is he alive!?

Heavy: Da

Heavy: Barely

Australian Kiwi: How??

Heavy: He choke on sandwich

Heavy: Was hungry, stayed in infirmary all day

Heavy: I drag him out for food, give sandwich

Heavy: He take it, shove whole thing in his mouth

Heavy: It got stuck

Heavy: ;w;

Fire-flipping-awesome: OoO

Australian Kiwi: :O

Heavy: My poor doktor

Heavy: I'm in love with big idiot

Heavy: Smartest idiot in world

Heavy: But still idiot

Scootiliscious: honestly thats not how i ekspected this to go

Fire-flipping-awesome: Scout, think twice before you say anything

Scootiliscious: what i thout he got atacked by some monster he was working on or whatever

Scootiliscious: the thing about the sandwich took me outta left feeld

Fire-flipping-awesome: That's the most normal thing Ive ever heard you say

Fire-flipping-awesome: And you are literally talking about some experimental monster

Scootiliscious: O^-

Fire-flipping-awesome: Scout, are you alright?

Scootiliscious: fuck i was tryna make a winky face

Fire-flipping-awesome: Scooty

Fire-flipping-awesome: (;

Fire-flipping-awesome: Its that simple

Scootiliscious: FUCK

Notes:

Now with a tie-in One-shot: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55508368

Chapter 29: Canned fish & Tea store

RED Engineer: I'm at the store with Scout and Demo, does anyone want anything?

Everyone flocks to my healing stick: Could you get me some canned fish, bitte?

Batta batta boom: wy canned fish

Batta batta boom: also is heavy changing ur names again

Stop pressing E: It's a fast and easy thing to snack on when I'm working away in the laboratory. Fish also has many nutritional benefits.

Batta batta boom: spare us doc

RED Engineer: We'll get you some fish, doc. Any preferences?

Stop pressing E: Nein, just anything you get your hands on. I'm not picky.

RED Engineer: Anything else, folks?

Stop pressing E: Oh, some tea as well! I've been running out lately.

RED Engineer: Tea, got it

RED Engineer: The usual one?

Stop pressing E: Ja.

RED Engineer: Anything else?

Stop pressing E: We have run out of ice cream too.

FREEEEDOM: Aye we have

FREEEEDOM: Solly ate the last tub and didnt even give me any

RED Engineer: Ice cream, sure

RED Engineer: Anything else, Lu?

Stop pressing E: No, nothing more from me.

RED Engineer: Alright

RED Engineer: Anyone else?

Stop pressing E: Actually, could you also pick up some heating pads from the pharmacy? The kind that you use for muscle pain?

RED Engineer: I'll see what I can find

RED Engineer: Anything else?

Snoiper: Get me some cigs

RED Engineer: Alrighty, Sniper

Heavy: Heavy want a snack too

Heavy: Something sweet

Heavy: Maybe cookies

Batta batta boom: were already getting like a huge list of different snacks & candys

FREEEEDOM: Cant go without them in this team!

RED Engineer: Is that all, then?

Stop pressing E: I also want lemonade.

RED Engineer: Lu, you knew we were going to the store, why didn't you just make a list?

RED Engineer: Or go with us, you lazy butt

RED Engineer: Lu, come on

RED Engineer: Ludwig!

Stop pressing E: I felt awkward.

RED Engineer: Gosh dangit, doc

Aheh: Aheh. Sorry?

Aheh: Also, do you think you could get me some peaches?

Aheh: And maybe slices of Edam cheese?

RED Engineer: Ludwig Humboldt!

Chapter 30: Designated party driving

FREEEEDOM: You know lads

RED Engineer: What is it, Demo?

FREEEEDOM: Its been almost four months since we had that bender of ours

RED Engineer: The one were we all got so drunk, Soldier ended up with your class insignia on his chest?

FREEEEDOM: Aye thats the one!

FREEEEDOM: And the day after the firebug decided to climb ontae the fridge!

Bushman's rules: It HAS been four months, yeah

Bonkachu: so what

FREEEEDOM: So I say we have another one!

FREEEEDOM: But this time we go intae town for it

FREEEEDOM: Weve been doing so well! 

FREEEEDOM: Look at us texting and still kicking BLU ass!

Bonkachu: tru we ARE super freaking awesome!

RED Engineer: Alright, let's go to the bar this weekend, why not!

FREEEEDOM: Who else wants to go?

American patriot: AFIRMATIVE, I WILL GO!

Bushman's rules: Hell yeah I'm going too!

SPY: Oui, the last one was enjoyable

RED Engineer: Big guy, doc, what about you?

Bonkachu: the power couple cant answer right now theyr doing a push

Bonkachu: give them a sec

Bushman's rules: Wait, if we're going to town then who will drive us back?

FREEEEDOM: We pull straws like last time!

SPY: You mean Engineer, Sniper, Medic, & I pull straws

FREEEEDOM: Id be pulling too if nae for the bloody roads going the wrong way!

RED Engineer: Britain is the only place in the world that drives on the left side of the world

Bushman's rules: Not true we drive on the left in Australia as well

Bonkachu: wy do we let u drive then

Bushman's rules: Because Im not missing half of my peripheral vision on the exact side where the cars are coming at me from

Bonkachu: oh right

The Medic: Could I possibly make a suggestion?

RED Engineer: Doc! Of course!

The Medic: Could we skip the straw picking this time around? I'll simply be the designated driver.

FREEEEDOM: You dont want tae get drunk with us?

The Medic: You know my opinions on American beer, Herr Demo.

FREEEEDOM: But this is different! Youll be drinking with friends!

RED Engineer: If the man don't care for drinking this time, you can't force him to

FREEEEDOM: Aye of course not

FREEEEDOM: But doc is kinda the life of the party half the time

FREEEEDOM: Last time was so fun cause he tried drinking me under the table

FREEEEDOM: And drunk Lutz is even more fun than sober Lutz and sober Lutz is already plenty of fun!

Heavy: Doktor does not want to drink so doktor will not drink

Heavy: End of conversation

FREEEEDOM: Course course

RED Engineer: You coming too, big guy?

Heavy: Da

Heavy: Will come keep eye on little teammates

The Medic: I'm rolling my eyes, Misha.

Bonkachu: we dont need u keeping an eye on us!

Bonkachu: espeshly when ur gonna be drunk after ur second bottle!

Bonkachu: ur a lightweight hev!

Heavy: Come here, little Scout

Heavy: I have idea

Heavy: Why don't I launch you at BLU Soldier

Bonkachu: im shutting up now

Bonkachu: wait no that actualy sounds kinda fun

Bonkachu: launch me i wanna market garden that blu knucklehead!

The Medic: Oh no.

The Medic: This will either go very, very right. Or very, very wrong.

FREEEEDOM: And there will probably be a repeat during our bender

The Medic: Oh no.

The Medic: Oh, what did I get myself into.

SPY: Don't worry, docteur, I'll help you

SPY: I have a high alcohol tolerance and a very low bullshit tolerance

RED Engineer: I can help wrangle the others too!

SPY: No you can't, Dell

The Medic: No, no you can't.

RED Engineer: Dagnabit.

The Medic: Anyway, Heavy is getting ready for another push so I won't be able to respond.

The Medic: If you need me, you know what to do.

The Medic: And if you call for me too often, I will leave you to just bleed out and go through respawn.

RED Engineer: See ya doc

SPY: And I am off to have a duel with Lionel

SPY: Au revoir

Fire-flipping-awesome: So why do we think vati isnt drinking?

RED Engineer: No clue

FREEEEDOM: Nae idea

Bushman's rules: Hm

RED Engineer: Slim?

Bushman's rules: Roo & me saw Med & Heavy talking on the comms once

Bushman's rules: And i have thoughts

Bushman's rules: But I'll tell you that on a private channel later 

Notes:

Now with a regular fic tie-in: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55554772/chapters/140994265

Chapter 31: RED Bender

Boom boom in the room room: Wheres our driver

Hoot hoot: The fuck

Boom boom in the room room: Medic was supposed to be here as the only not drunk one

Hoot hoot: Fuck fuck

Boom boom in the room room: Sniper why are you swearing

Hoot hoot: I dunno 

Hoot hoot: Cause Im stressed?

Hoot hoot: Someone come get me I'm scared!

RED Engineer: Slim, whats wrong?

Hoot hoot: Med and I went to the bathroom and now Im sitting on the floor rubbing his back while he throws his guts up

Bonkachu: ew

Bonkachu: those bar toilets are always so nasty

Bonkachu: get him to the sink

Hoot hoot: Can't he says he feels too dizzy for it

Hoot hoot: Where the fuck is HEavy when you need him!

Boom boom in the room room: Singing kareoky with Soldier

Hoot hoot: IS that what those tortured soul screams are?

SPY: Unfortunately

RED Engineer: Slim where are you I'm coming to help

Hoot hoot: Last stall on the left Im helping doc take his vest and tie off

RED Engineer: Slim, youre not taking his tie off you're strangling the poor man!

Hoot hoot: Guys Im coming back the table Engie kicked me out of the toilets

Hoot hoot: Bug where are you

Fire-freaking-awesome: Shhhhh

Fire-freaking-awesome: Im about to get laid

Bonkachu: hoo were when what

Bonkachu: i want in!

Fire-freaking-awesome: By the bar, the guy in the blue shirt with the reddish hair

Fire-freaking-awesome: I think hes bi so you may have a chance Jay

Hoot hoot: I'm sorry do I not exist anymore?

Bonkachu: foursome foursome foursome foursome

Fire-freaking-awesome: FOursome Foursome Foursome FOursome

Hoot hoot: Ok fine, I'm coming over too

Lutz: Remember to wear condoms, drink plenty of water, and to come back to my van by at least 1am.

SPY: Are you alright, mon ami?

Lutz: Yes, although I'm not quite ready to go back inside.

Lutz: Dell is sitting with me, keeping me company.

RED Engineer: French-toast, can you grab the big guy?

SPY: I wish I could

SPY: Unfortunately, Tavish has decided he also wants to sing

SPY: Luckily he has an amazing singing voice

SPY: Unluckily they're all drunk and singing bad pop songs

SPY: I'm, unfortunately, not drunk enough for this

Lutz: Why don't you join us?

SPY: No

SPY: Absolutely not, those toilets are filthy

SPY: But I'm not planning to turn my comm off anytime soon, so you are free to chat me up

Lutz: Jacques?

SPY: Yes, docteur

Lutz: You're not actually drinking, are you?

SPY: What gave you the idea

Lutz: Your 'wine' is actually just grape juice.

Lutz: I took a sip when you weren't looking.

Lutz: You knew something would happen, didn't you?

SPY: Would you cut me open if I said I didn't trust you to stay sober

Lutz: Not at all, as I'm aware that's a fair assumption.

SPY: Are you currently drunk, Ludwig

Lutz: I wish I was.

SPY: Did you have anything at all to drink

Lutz: Nein.

SPY: Then why did you just give this shitty little bar a free repaint of their bathroom

Lutz: You wouldn't believe me even if I told you.

SPY: Does Dell know

RED Engineer: Dell has a few idea

SPY: Engineer, please don't speak about yourself in the third person

RED Engineer: :c

SPY: Does Mikhail know, at least

Lutz: Ja, he does.

SPY: Should I go get him then

Lutz: No, I don't want to have this conversation in the toilet stall of a cheap dive bar.

SPY: Should I get him so that he can carry you to the van

Lutz: Actually, that does sound like a good idea

SPY: I'll go get your knight in shining armour then

RED Engineer: Knight with a shining bald head, more like

SPY: You're one to talk, Dell

RED Engineer: Hehe, hee

SPY: Ludwig

Lutz: Ja?

SPY: You will be alright though, won't you

Lutz: Truthfully?

Lutz: I have no idea.

SPY: That's good enough for me

Notes:

Now with a tie-in fic (chapter 2): https://archiveofourown.org/works/55554772/chapters/141000295

Chapter 32: BLU shenanigans ensue

Boink bonk: So why are we here again

Boink bonk: And why are you forcing us to text instead of talking out loud

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Do you WANT the REDs to hear you?

Boink bonk: Point taken

Cormac: Why are we at the same bar as the Reds then?

The Lion of 2fort: Because we are trying to get dirt on Ludwig and Ken said the REDs were going to be here on a celebratory bender

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I liked my idea better :c

Ken Conagher: Shut your trap, Fritz, no one likes you.

Boink bonk: Not true

Boink bonk: I like him

Ken Conagher: No one likes you either, James.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I like him

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Sort of

Johnny boy: Well, their doc just disappeared into the toilet, so we have some time to plan our next move

Ken Conagher: Can't we just go home, Solly?

Ken Conagher: The last thing I want is Dell noticing me here.

Johnny boy: No can do sweetheart!

Ken Conagher: Call me that again, I dare you.

Johnny boy: Sweetheart

Boink bonk: Aaaaand they're off to make out in some dingy alley

Boink bonk: Fritzy?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Ludwig could get out at any moment! We have to be here!

The Sniper: And then what? What do we do when he comes out?

Firecracking freakazoid: Throw him a congratulatory party?

The Sniper: Not that kinda coming out!

Firecracking freakazoid: I liked you better when you were asleep

Cormac: Look, lets think about this, lads

Cormac: The doc drove them here

The Lion of 2fort: Yes, what are you getting at

Cormac: Shush

Cormac: He drove them here, in his van

Cormac: All he's had all evening was water and a sip of Jacques' drink

Cormac: So he's their driver today

The Lion of 2fort: Yes, and?

Cormac: So we just fucked ourselves over cause a sober Medic is a deadly Medic, and there's no way we're doing anything to him in this state!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Astute observation

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: But fuck you

Firecracking freakazoid: Butt fuck

Boink bonk: Hey ain't I the one who does the butt fucking here?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: James, if you don't shut up I'm going to down all of our collective drinks & then go drunk makeout with drunk Mikhail, & YOU will be dragging me back home

Boink bonk: Thats kinda hot

Boink bonk: Doing it with other men but still coming to warm my bed at the end of the day

The Lion of 2fort: Well, you broke him

The Sniper: Not like the coward was useful anyway

Firecracking freakazoid: Not like your lazy ass is any better

The Lion of 2fort: Fritz why the fuck did you just slap me!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Look!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I think Ludwig is sick, Misha is helping him out to the van

Boink bonk: What now

Cormac: Ok we pull straws

The Lion of 2fort: What why?

Cormac: Cause the boyo might be sick, but like hell he ain't still dangerous

The Lion of 2fort: Fuck, i'll just go

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Keep us updated

The Lion of 2fort: I will, you useless excuse of a nursemaid

The Lion of 2fort: Alright, I'm outside & it seems that Ludwig is in the back of the van

The Sniper: Peek through the windows

The Lion if 2fort: What the hell do you think I'm doing?

The Lion if 2fort: Doing the tango while singing the national anthem of Algeria?

Cormac: Do you even know how to tango?

The Lion of 2fort: No but thats besides the point

The Lion of 2fort: I think he's sleeping, I'll try to open the door and see if I can sneak in

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: If he's sleeping maybe we could kidnap him!

Boink bonk: There's zipties in Sniper's van and Ludwig would fit into the trunk of Spy's car

Cormac: Hey did you fellas here that?

The Lion of 2fort: That was me

The Sniper: What

The Lion of 2fort: I was attacked!

The Lion of 2fort: By a homing pigeon!

Firecracking freakazoid: Fun fact, if that dove has pinkish feathers, he WILL try to kill you c:

Firecracking freakazoid: Thats not paint. That's blood

Firecracking freakazoid: If its just plain white, it cant hurt you, doves and pigeons are weak & their bites don't actually hurt

The Lion of 2fort: Did your friend tell you that?

Firecracking freakazoid: Bug wouldn't lie to me

Firecracking freakazoid: No guarantee I ain't lying to you tho boy

The Sniper: Cormac, Beetle, you don't need to order more beer!

Cormac: We're Irish, we kinda do

The Sniper: Fritz don't you dare

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Sorry, I can't hear you over how aggressively German i'm being right now

Boink bonk: Has anyone seen our Heavy?

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: I am guarding cars, remember?

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Just because I am team player, does not mean I want to see Lutz get hurt

Boink bonk: Oh right. You're a Heavy after all

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: A shitty Heavy, caring more about the enemy Medic than his own

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Shut up, you are паршивец

The Lion of 2fort: Wait, that gave me an idea

The Lion of 2fort: Thank you, international society of spies, for this amazing gift

Boink bonk: Lionel what

The Lion of 2fort: Fuck this man got so much heavier than the last time I manhandled him

Boink bonk: When was that?

Cormac: When John tried to destroy a RED base with a train

Boink bonk: Oh right

Firecracking freakazoid: Kitties >:c

The Lion of 2fort: He just called himself 'fragile', and called me 'Mishenka'

The Lion of 2fort: Someone come and kill me

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: No

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Now get him to the fucking car!

The Lion of 2fort: Alexei get your ass here and help me haul him

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Where?

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Can't see you, only Mikhail and Lutz

The Lion of 2fort: That's me, you numbskull!

The Lion of 2fort: Get the zip ties get the zipties!

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: We have him

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: You do??!!

The Lion of 2fort: We do!

The Lion of 2fort: He's making a terrible racket but he's bound up tight and Alexei is trying to calm him down

Boink bonk: Is it working?

The Lion of 2fort: No, because Alexei's idea of 'calming RED Medic down' is stroking his head and messing up his hairstyle

The Lion of 2fort: Excuse me, I have to go yell at Alexei to just gag the damn demon already 

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Mike can I ride with you back to base?

The Sniper: No

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I don't want to be anywhere near that man!

The Lion of 2fort: Look whos talking, I'm the one who spent a month of my life in his fridge as a disembodied head and I'm forced to drive him in the trunk of MY car

The Sniper: And Fritz is gonna join you cause the little twerp always falls asleep during long car rides and he snores like a goddamned chainsaw!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Who are you calling a twerp, im the same age as you!

Cormac: You can drive back with John and me

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Now the question is, who am I more scared of: John or Ludwig

Cormac: John smacked your ass with his 'disciplinary action' like three times

Cormac: Ludwig once cut you open and fed you your own liver when you called him fat, old & ugly to Mikhail's face

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Ill go with you & John then

Cormac: Thats settled then

Firecracking freakazoid: I'll drink to that, brotha!

 

SPY: Has anyone here seen Ludwig?

Notes:

Now with a tie-in fic (chapter 3): https://archiveofourown.org/works/55554772/chapters/141001069#workskin

Chapter 33: The enemy of my enemy is still my enemy

Notes:

Warning for misgendering & fatshaming in this chapter

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Is Ludwig awake already?

Boink bonk: No

Cormac: Lad must've been real tired to fall asleep in the trunk of the enemy's car like that

Boink bonk: Oh, but fuck you for leaving us to deal with him, Fritz

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Jamie you know I'm terrified of that man

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I saw him overpower John once, while hauling their Demoman on his back

Boink bonk: That's kinda hot tho

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Shut up

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I will do my part when we figure out what to do with him

Cormac: What ARE we doing with him

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I don't know

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: We can't kill him but we could definitely do something to him

Boink bonk: Maybe cut off his arms. Or legs

Boink bonk: So that the administration HAS to terminate him

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: He can sew those back on

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Also if we do that we could get fired, like John almost did for the train thing

The Lion of 2fort: Or Ludwig did for keeping me in his fridge

Boink bonk: What if I do it?

Boink bonk: I'm young maybe theyll go easy on me

Boink bonk: Cause man! I REALLY wanna smash his head open with my bat or some shit like that

Cormac: Oh, he's waking up!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Keep us updated, bitte!

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Please don't

Boink bonk: So far?

Boink bonk: He's giving us tips on how to properly tie up a hostage, and is suggesting different methods of torture

Boink bonk: All with that toothy smile of his

Cormac: He is complaining that his stomach is cramping, tho

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: How is that last part relevant?

Cormac: Cause we tied him up in a hogtie and put him on his stomach 

Cormac: Still cheery, the lad is

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: He's always cheery, nothing phases that geezer anymore 

Boink bonk: EEEEW, FRITZ, HE BARFED ON MY SNEAKERS!

Boink bonk: THOSE WERE BRAND NEW!

Cormac: Shite, thats blood in there!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Internal bleeding?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: The administration can't prove it was us

Cormac: If he dies at our base it WILL be our fault

Cormac: You think the administration will do him an autopsy??

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Fuck

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Bring him here, I'll check him over

The Lion of 2fort: What do you think is wrong with him? He looked bad yesterday already

Johnny boy: Tumors?

The Lion of 2fort: Tumours?

The Lion of 2fort: Like a stomach ulcer?

The Lion of 2fort: Or cancer?

Ken Conagher: Whatever it is, he better not conk out before we get him back to his team.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Alexei, come to the infirmary, bitte

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: No, you hurt Lutz

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I will certainly do more harm than good if I have to manhandle him by myself!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Lionel was right, he's very heavy

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: And also kind of fat

Cormac: You're literally in love with the fattest man in this damn war

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Yeah, but Misha looks good like this, Ludwig doesnt

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Alexei! Get over here, I cant even get him up onto the examination table!

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Fine, I go

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Useless, weak little baby teammates

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Cormac?

Cormac: What

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: You dummkopf! Idiot!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: You sent him to me for no reason, his gums were just bleeding!

Cormac: Oh

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: There is more, but doktor is being stubborn

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Says the one who is currently feeling up the enemy

Firecracking freakazoid: Personalititty 

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Verdammte Hölle

Boink bonk: Fritz? 

The Lion of 2fort: Don't worry, docteur, I'll talk to Pyro about his weird wordplay

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: It's not that

Johnny boy: Then what is it, nurse

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I dont know how

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: But it seems that the RED Medic is 

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: How do I say this

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Three-four months pregnant

The Lion of 2fort: WHAT

The Sniper: HES WHAT

Firecracking freakazoid: Oh hi, Mike, I see you're back from your third nap this morning

Boink bonk: He

Boink bonk: She?

Boink bonk: Is WHAT

Johnny boy: So we've been fighting a bunch of GIRLS?

Johnny boy: Next youll tell me everyone on RED team was secretly a girl all along!

Johnny boy: I need to have a word with my sister

Ken Conagher: Doc, with all due respect, how?

BLU Heavy Weapons Specialist: Little Engineer will now switch comm off, ok?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I will tell you later, Engineer

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: It is a fascinating story, and I won't hide that I knew for years of the RED Medic's, shall we say, predicament 

Cormac: I'm regretting this already

 

Firecracking freakazoid: Bug??

Firecracking freakazoid: Your doctor is pregnant?? And you didn't tell me??

Firecracking freakazoid: How did he manage it >:c

Fire-freaking-awesome: Im sorry, Lutz is WHAT

 

Fire-freaking-awesome: VATI IS PREGNANT??

Battering jam: WHAT

SPY: I'm sorry, what in the hell

Kablooey: What where when why how

Battering jam: HEAVY??

Heavy: Oops?

RED Engineer: Oops?

RED Engineer: OOPS??

Battering jam: YOU KNEW?

Heavy: Of course Heavy knew!

Heavy: Is my baby

Heavy: Obviously

The Huntsman: Wait, Pyro, where do you know this from?

Fire-freaking-awesome: BLU Pyro, who knows it from his team

The Huntsman: Oh so THATS where our doc is

Kablooey: Oh fuck THAT'S WHERE OUR DOC IS!

American patriot: FUCK!

Notes:

Once again, a disclaimer: This is not a fetish, this is not Mpreg. This is a transman character becoming pregnant through natural, non-bullshitty means, & it is written by a transman author, & not for the purpose of a fetish.

This chapter now has a tie-in fic (chapter 4): https://archiveofourown.org/works/55554772/chapters/141002923

Chapter 34: Brotherly love

Notes:

Warning for general transphobia & a lot of misgendering
But don't worry, Solly takes no shit from anyone

Johnny Boy: Jane?

American patriot: THAT'S RED SOLDIER TO YOU, MAGGOT!

Johnny Boy: You're no soldier! You're a little girl playing dressup with her brother's clothes!

American patriot: SHUT UP, I KICKED YOUR ASS LAST MISSION LIKE A PROPER PATRIOT!

Johnny Boy: A patriot doesn't need to yell to be heard, he already knows people will listen to him because he is a PATRIOT!

American patriot: Are you here just to insult me, John

Johnny Boy: Can I not talk to my sister like a normal person

American patriot: You don't have a sister, you sissy!

Johnny Boy: You're a disgrace to the uniform and you will NEVER be a real man!

American patriot: Come say that too my face!

American patriot: You wont, cause you're a coward and a hippie!

Johnny Boy: And your whole team is made up of girls!

Johnny Boy: Like your teutonic nurse!

American patriot: What did you do with Lutz, John

Johnny Boy: She's safe

Johnny Boy: For now

American patriot: He

Johnny Boy: But we know her secret, we know she's in a fragile state right now

American patriot: His and he's

American patriot: If you hurt him, neither God nor the US Constitution will stop me from kicking your ass into the stratosphere!

American patriot: You're not my brother and you haven't been him for years!

Johnny Boy: I could say the same to you, Jane, except you never even were my brother

American patriot: Give the doc back

Johnny Boy: We will, if you're willing to negotiate

American patriot: Over comms?

Johnny Boy: The team hasn't decided yet what exactly we want from her, but I know I want this

American patriot: Him

Johnny Boy: I want you to leave Reliable Excavation and Demolitions, and preferably take your girly doc with you

Johnny Boy: We already have one nurse on the battlefield, we don't need a second one

American patriot: I'm not leaving RED, not now, not ever, not until this war is done and over!

Johnny Boy: A war zone is no place for a woman

American patriot: You're both old fashioned and WRONG, hippie!

Johnny Boy: You're the hippie here, Jane! Cutting your hair won't change that!

American patriot: WRONG!

Johnny Boy: You're a girl and a civilian, and cutting your tits off won't change that either!

American patriot: Im not making any deals with you, John

American patriot: We'll talk to your team as a team, and thats that!

Johnny Boy: Fine

Johnny Boy: But I warned you

American patriot: Yeah, like I believe that you would hurt a pregnant woman

American patriot: (Even if Ludwig is not a woman at all, he is just pregnant) 

Johnny Boy: Damn you Jane

Johnny Boy: Damn you

Johnny Boy: I miss you

American patriot: You miss the version of me I haven't been since I was a kid

American patriot: You don't miss the real me, cause if you did, youd realise Im right here

American patriot: You are a coward living in the past, and you dare call yourself a soldier

American patriot: Don't talk to me again

Notes:

Now with a tie-in fic (chapter 5): https://archiveofourown.org/works/55554772/chapters/141011815

Chapter 35: Happy happy

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Mikhail?

Heavy: What does little BLU brat want? How are you talking to me

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: My Engineer has created a private channel for us to talk

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I just want to ask you a question

Heavy: If you hurt my doktor I crush you

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Herr Ludwig is unharmed, I assure you

Heavy: What does blu brat want

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Mikhail, are you happy?

Heavy: What sort of question is this

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Has Ludwig forced you into this?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Do you really want it, or is he trapping you with it?

Heavy: Heavy wish that was case

Heavy: Nyet, doktor did not want child at first, I did

Heavy: I ask doktor to keep it, want to start family with him

Heavy: But it was accident! Heavy would never hurt doktor!

Heavy: I regret night, I regret asking Ludwig to keep it, regret having to see doktor suffer and get hurt and worry over baby

Heavy: But is too late, cannot go back, is too far ahead now

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I understand

Heavy: Little BLU doktor promise Ludwig is safe?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: He is

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: If anything happened to the fetuses, it could be argued that my team killed innocents on the battlefield premises, and that gets you immediately terminated

Heavy: Wait

Heavy: Fetus with two S?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: He didn't tell you?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Mikhail, you're having twins!

Heavy: Heavy do not believe in god

Heavy: But this must be answered prayer

Heavy: Doktor makes me the happiest man in world, can't believe two men can be so perfect for each other

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I'm glad you're happy, at least

Heavy: Friedrich? Are you still there?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Ja?

Heavy: I hope little BLU doktor and little BLU scout are happy together like that

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Thank you, Mikhail

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: If you and Ludwig ever need help, or if there are any complications during the pregnancy, let me know

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I, um, sort of have midwife training from way back in the day, before I decided to be a field medic instead

Heavy: Thank you

Heavy: When BLU team want negotiations?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Tomorrow at noon, before the end of the weekend ceasefire

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: We would have kept him longer to scare you REDs a bit

Heavy: Why did you not?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Because he almost ate us out of the base in the span of two days!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: How do you REDs manage it!

Heavy: We have ways ;)

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: You two are very much worth each other

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I couldn't understand why you would want to impregnate that mad man

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: But now I realise you must be just as crazy as him

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: That's not a compliment, Mikhail!

Heavy: ;)

Notes:

Next chapter will take place AFTER Lutz has been returned to the REDs, so next chapter will go back to everyone being silly since the arc of Lutz being kidnapped is officially over.
Now has a tie-in fic (chapter 6): https://archiveofourown.org/works/55554772/chapters/141015322

Chapter 36: The silent & the chatty

Summary:

You ever think about how Speedingbullet & Red Oktoberfest are the same dynamic of a chatty, sunshine character, & his much more stoic & quiet boyfriend who loves listening to the chatty one talk absolute nonsense? No? Just me?

God save the piss: Save me D:

RED Engineer: Sniper, what do you need, son?

God save the piss: I am being tortured!

Raccoon dad: WHO IS DOING IT WHERE ARE YOU I AM COMING TO SAVE YOU BILBO BAGGINS!

RED Engineer: Slim, where are you!

God save the piss: In the infirmary with Medic and Scout -o-'

God save the piss: How do these two still have so much air??

God save the piss: Did Medic swap out their lungs when no one was looking??

RED Engineer: Is that it

Raccoon dad: IS THAT SERIOUSLY IT??

God save the piss: Yeah ;w;

God save the piss: They've gone through ten different topics in 20 minutes, I'm so lost & I think my ears are bleeding

God save the piss: Usually its fine, its perfectly fine! >:C

God save the piss: Roo just goes on about whatever he wants to & I listen and its FINE

God save the piss: But now he has someone to bounce his ideas off of and Im SO CONFUSED

Heavy: Suffer

RED Engineer: Heavy??

Heavy: Now Sniper know why I ran when little Scout came to talk to doktor

God save the piss: ;w;

God save the piss: What did I do big guy

Heavy: Forgot about our beer night

God save the piss: D:> 

God save the piss: Mate, Im SO sorry

God save the piss: Ill make it up to ya

God save the piss: Now PLEASE SAVE ME

Heavy: Make up how?

God save the piss: I'll make you that peach bellini you like so much!

Heavy: Hmm

Heavy: Alright

Heavy: I'll save you from Lutz and Jeremy talking your ears off

God save the piss: Thank you!

RED Engineer: The joys of having a talkative boyfriend while you're the silent type, huh?

SPY: Not like you'd know anything about it, Labourer

RED Engineer: Come on, Spah :'c

Chapter 37: FIREWORKS, TAVISH!

Summary:

i need to give Boots n Bombs more love in this fic

Raccoon dad: DEMO!

FREEEEDOM: Aye Janey?

Raccoon dad: WHERE ARE YOU?

FREEEEDOM: In town why?

Raccoon dad: ARE YOU GOING TO BUY SOME BEER?

FREEEEDOM: Course

Raccoon dad: GREAT!

FREEEEDOM: Why do you ask?

Raccoon dad: YOU HAVENT FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE FIREWORKS HAVE YOU?

FREEEEDOM: Like Id ever forget that 

Raccoon dad: DEMO

FREEEEDOM: Aye lad?

Raccoon dad: I love you

FREEEEDOM: I love you too Solly

Raccoon dad: I WILL SEE YOU AT THE FIREWORKS SHOW, SON!

FREEEEDOM: Ill be there with the beer! You want some snacks for it?

Raccoon dad: GRAB SOME POPCORN FOR THE SHOW!

FREEEEDOM: Sweet or salty?

Raccoon dad: BOTH!

FREEEEDOM: I like the way you think Jane

Raccoon dad: ALSO LUDWIG SAYS TO GET HIM SOME MORE CANNED FISH, TAVISH!

FREEEEDOM: Aye alright

FREEEEDOM: That man has been eating nothing but canned fish lately

FREEEEDOM: And hes gotten real bossy

Raccoon dad: HE HAS A REASON FOR IT

Raccoon dad: Also I dont want to get on his bad side because I want to hold the little soldiers when theyre born

FREEEEDOM: Youre his brother in law of course hell let you hold them

Raccoon dad: OH RIGHT!

Raccoon dad: Does that make me an uncle, since Zhanna would be their aunt and they are Heavy's kids too?

FREEEEDOM: I think it does

Raccoon dad: YAY!

Raccoon dad: I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!

FREEEEDOM: I think well all be uncles to the lil kiddies

FREEEEDOM: And Py's gonna be an aunt to them and all

Raccoon dad: YAY!

FREEEEDOM: Anyway I gotta finish doing the groceries

FREEEEDOM: Ill see you at the fireworks love

Raccoon dad: SEE YOU AT THE FIREWORKS, TAVISH!

Chapter 38: Is no one else constantly baffled that this goof is buff & 6 feet tall?

Rein in this Deutch-bag!: SOMEONE TELL HIM TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN

RED Engineer: Oh no

RED Engineer: Do you mean 'reign in'?

Reign in this Deutch-bag!: YES JUST DO IT!

RED Engineer: Deutsch-bag? The doc?

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: YES!

RED Engineer: What did he do this time?

Big titty healer boyfriend: I am innocent!

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: NO UR NOT!

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: AHDBDISNDHFK

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: U DONT NEED TO BE ANY TALLER!

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: AND PUT UR TITS AWAY!

Doktor-assisted homocide: Yes I do.

RED Engineer: Doc?

RED Engineer: How are you making yourself taller?

Doktor-assisted homocide: With bigger heels on my work boots!

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: WY!

Doktor-assisted homocide: So that I can strike fear into the hearts of my enemies, obviously.

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: U DONT NEED TO DO THAT

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: UR ALREADY HUGE

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: WE DONT NEED A SECOND HEAVY ON THE TEAM

Doktor-assisted homocide: I'm not going to become a second Heavy.

Doktor-assisted homocide: I am going to be the exact same Medic as always, just with a few extra inches!

Shootsalot: There's a joke in there somewhere about overcompensating

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: DHSKAIBAVDKNBD

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: DOC!

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: NO!

Doktor-assisted homocide: Doc, yes!

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: AOFNDKSNDBDK

Shootlsalot: I wouldnt mind having someone to see eye-to-eye with

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: MICK DONT ENCOURAGE HIM U BEENPOLE!

Doktor-assisted homocide: Mick, do encourage me more!

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: DOC!

Doktor-assisted homocide: What?

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: WY!"?

Doktor-assisted homocide: No one will question my manhood if they have to look up at me while I stomp them into the ground.

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: U CAN ALREADY DO THST

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: U DO DO ALREADY DO THAT

Doktor-assisted homocide: c:<

Doktor-assisted homocide: I need more, Jeremy.

Doktor-assisted homocide: MORE!

Doktor-assisted homocide: MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

RED Engineer: Just don't trip and hurt yourself, doc

Doktor-assisted homocide: Danke, Herr Engineer! I will be careful, don't worry!

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: ENGY!

RED Engineer: Yes, Scoot, I am jealous

RED Engineer: No, Scoot, I'm not gonna throw a hissy fit about it

RED Engineer: If you're so jealous of the doc being tall, get some taller boots yourself

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: engy do u know hoo i am

RED Engineer: You're our Scout, why?

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: engy how the hell am i supposed to run in heeled boots

Reign in this Deutsch-bag!: im not doc

RED Engineer: Right

Doktor-assisted homocide: c: <3 <3 <3 <3

Chapter 39: Spydad/Dadspy

SPY: Scout

Your head, my bat, its a date: sup

SPY: I'm at the store

SPY: Do you want anything

Your head, my bat, its a date: nah im good

Your head, my bat, its a date: vati might want something tho

SPY: I'm not getting anything for the doctor

SPY: Do YOU want anything

Your head, my bat, its a date: this feels like a set up

Your head, my bat, its a date: ok what day is it again

Your head, my bat, its a date: oh shit

Frickin unbelievable: SPY BUY ME A BOOKEY OF FLOWERS PLS

Frickin unbelievable: SPY BE A BRO

Frickin unbelievable: OR A DAD

Frickin unbelievable: ANYTHING JUST GET ME THAT BOOKEY

SPY: You mean a bouquet

Frickin unbelievable: WHATEVER

Frickin unbelievable: JUST GET ME ONE

SPY: You forgot it was Mothers day, didn't you mon fils

Frickin unbelievable: YEAH

SPY: There is a gorgeous blue bouquet right here

SPY: Hmm, but I may get it for her myself

SPY: She does so love this shade of blue

Frickin unbelievable: SPY NOOOOOOO

SPY: Unless

Frickin unbelievable: yes

SPY: You do me a favour?

Frickin unbelievable: what do u want u backstabber

SPY: Nothing right now, but I will cash it in some day

Frickin unbelievable: fucking fine

Frickin unbelievable: thanks for the reminder

Frickin unbelievable: not

SPY: You're welcome, Jeremy

Frickin unbelievable: ur really getting a hang of this dad stuff

SPY: Merci

Chapter 40: Work husbands

RED Engineer: Doc

A happy Medic is a Medic covered in blood: Ja?

RED Engineer: The laundry needs to be done

A happy Medic is a Medic covered in blood: Ja? I know.

RED Engineer: Doc, it's your turn to do the laundry

A happy Medic is a Medic covered in blood: What? Since when?

RED Engineer: Since always?

A happy Medic is a Medic covered in blood: But Engie!

A happy Medic is a Medic covered in blood: I'm pregnant!

RED Engineer: So?

A happy Medic is a Medic covered in blood: And the laundry is heavy. :c

RED Engineer: Not nearly heavy enough, Lu

RED Engineer: You're not at that stage yet where a bit of manual labor could hurt you

This is spousal abuse: :c

RED Engineer: Lu

RED Engineer: Come on

RED Engineer: It ain't even accurate, I'm not your spouse

This is spousal abuse: You're my work husband.

Gods gift to women: engy!

RED Engineer: Whats wrong, Scooter?

Gods gift to women: how can u do this to medic!

RED Engineer: Oh come on!

Gods gift to women: nuh uh ur not weesling ur way out of this!

Gods gift to women: u cant treat a pregnant man like that hes delicate!

I fought against god and I WON: Oh, that felt wunderbar!

RED Engineer: What

Gods gift to women: what did

I fought against god and I WON: Being called a pregnant MAN.

Gods gift to women: doc thats the ber minimum

I fought against god and I WON: The BLUs wouldn't give me this common courtesy. 

Gods gift to women: i want names

Gods gift to women: im gonna show em what for tomorrow

RED Engineer: I like your way of thinking, Scoot

RED Engineer: I've had this new missile type I wanted to try out

RED Engineer: What better way to test it than out in the field?

I fought against god and I WON: You two would really do that?

I fought against god and I WON: For me?

RED Engineer: Of course!

Gods gift to women: ur our medic & our friend!

I fought against god and I WON: ;w;

I fought against god and I WON: You two just earned yourselves an uber each!

Gods gift to women: woo!

RED Engineer: Oh, nice!

RED Engineer: You still gotta do the laundry, Lu

This is spousal abuse: SOB.

Chapter 41: Why does Soldier even have this voice line??

Batta-SWING: so doc just market gardened blu solly

Scrumpy: He did

Batta-SWING: with ur help

Scrumpy: Aye

Batta-SWING: because solly said

Scrumpy: Ill strangle you with your own frilly training bra

Batta-SWING: where the fuck did he even get that from??

Batta-SWING: solly explain??

American patriot: I dunno

American patriot: I never had a frilly training bra when I was still a girl

Batta-SWING: & doc is now parading with blu sollys head on his medi backpack

Scrumpy: Aye

Scrumpy: Wait is he really?

Batta-SWING: ye

Batta-SWING: helmet & all

Batta-SWING: gave him a shave tho

Batta-SWING: stuck a makeshift bow ontop of his nose

Batta-SWING: its red & probbaly taken from someones shirt

American patriot: Now THATS what I call humiliation!

Scrumpy: He

Scrumpy: He took the time to SHAVE John?

Batta-SWING: looks like it

Scrumpy: Remind me never to piss him off

Scrumpy: I like me beard thank you very much

Chapter 42: Names

American patriot: Question

RED Engineer: What's your question, Soldier?

Bonkachu: is it an actual question this time

American patriot: Why Bug?

Bonkachu: oh look! an actual question!

Scrumpy: Why Bug what?

Flametastic: Well, why Jane?

American patriot: It was the name my parents gave me, and I see no reason why it can't be the name of a proud man and patriot!

American patriot: What stopped you from keeping your birth name and saying it was a woman's name

Flametastic: Well, I didn't really like my parents, they're the ones that put me in that asylum, I didn't want a reminder of them

Flametastic: My little brother would call me Pyro, which I used for the longest time

Flametastic: But I met a man at the asylum who would call me Feuerkäfer, firebug

Flametastic: & I thought Bug sounded so nice

Hoot hoot: What happened to that man?

Flametastic: Never saw him again

Scrumpy: Aw a shame

American patriot: As good a reason as any for a name, keeping it as a reminder of a friend

Flametastic: So, why Jeremy?

Bonkachu: funily enough its actually the name i wouldve got if i was born a boy

Bonkachu: ma would always say how my pa would agonise over giving me a good & proper american name & then i was born a girl & they had to come up with a name on the spot

Bonkachu: & when i said i didnt wanna be a girl anymore i just decided to go with it

SPY: So, did he really agonise over it so much

Bonkachu: dunno u tell me

SPY: (;

Bonkachu: so

Bonkachu: wy ludwig

Lord of the Doves: Aheh, well.

Lord of the Doves: How do I say this?

American patriot: With words, doc! Proper, American words!

Lord of the Doves: Well, Ludwig was the name of the man my parents married me off to, and after a few very horrible years dealing with that drunkard, I ripped his neck out with my teeth during sex, stole his identity, and left Stuttgart to pursue medicine under his name.

Hoot hoot: O-O;

Bonkachu: O-O;

Flametastic: O-O

RED Engineer: O-O

SPY: O-O;

American patriot: O-O

Scrumpy: O-O

Lord of the Doves: What? You asked!

Bonkachu: hev u shure getting him pregnant was a good idea

Bonkachu: ?

Heavy: Doktor bite me before, but never rip throat out

Lord of the Doves: Unlike with Dr Vogel, I was a VERY enthusiastic participant in the making of my kinder, thank you very much.

Lord of the Doves: Misha has absolutely nothing to worry about from me.

Hoot hoot: Except for all the random animal organs you put into him

Lord of the Doves: Except for that, ja!

Flametastic: Are you at least hotter than the first Ludwig?

Lord of the Doves: Well, I don't have a beer gut, I take care of my facial hair and head hair, and I don't slouch. 

Lord of the Doves: Also, I've been told I have very good titten, so there is that. c;

Heavy: *am dead*

American patriot: Good for you, doctor!

Lord of the Doves: Danke. <3

Chapter 43: The miracle of life, & a still (somehow) alive Medic

RED Engineer: Doc get down from there

RED Engineer: I don't care, get down!

RED Engineer: I can barely hear you, speak over the comms

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): Why?

RED Engineer: Because the wind is so loud!

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): Not that.

RED Engineer: Because you could get hurt!

RED Engineer: Respawn is off, you know that!

RED Engineer: Doc! Don't ignore me!

RED Engineer: I'm gonna grab Heavy if you keep this up

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): I'll be fine!

RED Engineer: If you fall from up there, you could die!

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): I think you're forgetting a crucial thing, Herr Engineer.

RED Engineer: That is?

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): I can bring people back from the dead, myself included, without respawn.

RED Engineer: Lu!

RED Engineer: What about the kids??

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): Sniper.

RED Engineer: What?

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): Sniper. I brought Sniper back to life.

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): After 12 hours!

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): Half of his body was already made up of dead tissue!

RED Engineer: Doc

RED Engineer: Doc, that ain't how that works!

RED Engineer: You can't stuff a new liver into a fetus that don't even have one yet in the first place!

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): Oh, aheh, I didn't think of that.

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): To be honest, Engie, I haven't thought about much of what's going on lately.

RED Engineer: Clearly

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): But I can't come down now!

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): I have to be here to watch Eureka and Archimedes' eggs hatch!

RED Engineer: Doc!

RED Engineer: I'm getting Heavy!

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): Get him, bitte!

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): He will be happy to know that the eggs are hatching!

RED Engineer: Ludwig!

RED Engineer: I think it's time for an intervention

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): Oh no.

Soon-to-be bird grandpa (again): I don't like the sound of that.

Chapter 44: Chiropractor Heavy

Think fast, chucklnuts: oh my god

Think fast, chucklnuts: u guys wont believe this

In a bush: Whats up, roo

Think fast, chucklnuts: so i had this crick in my back right

Think fast, chucklnuts: & i go & tell the big guy cause we were talking about like muscle pain from fighting all the time

Think fast, chucklnuts: so heavy goes & picks me up around the middle & oh my GOD

Think fast, chucklnuts: instant relief!

Think fast, chucklnuts: it was like i died went to heven & came back but this time without a huje hole in my stomach!

Satan's worst nightmare: Oh, well, that's nice, but I don't think you should do it again.

American patriot: HEAVY WHERE ARE YOU!

Heavy: In living room

American patriot: I'M COMING THERE RIGHT NOW!

Satan's worst nightmare: Wait!

Satan's worst nightmare: Soldier, no!

Satan's worst nightmare: You could really hurt yourself if you do that! The spine is a fragile thing and such procedures are very delicate!

American patriot: Too late

American patriot: I think my spine is gonna fall out my ass

American patriot: Ow

Satan's worst nightmare: Heavy!

Heavy: What?

Heavy: He say harder

Heavy: I say no

Heavy: He say -I can take it-

Heavy: So I do harder

Satan's worst nightmare: Dummkopf!

American patriot: Help

American patriot: E

American patriot: E

American patriot: E

American patriot: E

American patriot: E

American patriot: E

Satan's worst nightmare: I'm not healing you! I'm busy having a bubble bath.

Heavy: Doktor, please

Satan's worst nightmare: You can go get the medigun and heal the Soldier yourself.

American patriot: E

American patriot: E

Think fast, chucklnuts: i dunno what ur on about solly

Think fast, chucklnuts: i feel great after heavy cracked my back

Satan's worst nightmare: Dummkopf.

Heavy: Can I join doktor in bath?

Satan's worst nightmare: Can you, Mikhail?

Heavy: .

Heavy: No?

Satan's worst nightmare: Correct.

Heavy: :C

Chapter 45: 'I shagged yer wife!' 'Well, I shagged yer husband!'

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Ludwig

The superior Medic: Friedrich, I thought we agreed not to contact each other.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I know but I'm desperate!

The superior Medic: With?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I need your help?

The superior Medic: With??

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Please tell your Demo to stop talking about my wife ;-;

The superior Medic: Oh my god, he's DRUNK.

The superior Medic: Do you really think he actually had sex with your wife?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: He did

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I mean, good on him, I certainly wasn't giving her what she needed

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: But it's a sore spot ;-;

The superior Medic: Wait a moment.

 

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: Tavish.

Scrumpy: Aye?

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: Did you really fuck Friedrich's wife?

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: Tavish?

Scrumpy: Aye?

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: Are you drunk?

Scrumpy: Not more than usual no

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: Then answer the question.

Scrumpy: I mightve

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: When??

Scrumpy: I met Eloisa at a bar

Scrumpy: Dinnae bloody know she was married to the blu twerp

Scrumpy: But I bought her a drink we got talking and she eventually said she thought her husband was a homo

Scrumpy: Dinnae know what tae say so I gave her my condolences 

Scrumpy: She said that well she already shagged a homo might as well shag a black too

Scrumpy: At that point I just wanted to get laid honestly

Scrumpy: Otherwise she was a lovely lady all round

Scrumpy: Only found out she was Mrs Fritz Ludwig when Fritz came tae visit the next morning

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: Tavish, are you aware you're the reason Friedrich got a divorce and began pursuing Mikhail?

Scrumpy: Oh shite really?

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: Yes.

Scrumpy: I'm so sorry doc!

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: Don't be.

Hooting hoot: Mate, if you saw how hard the doc was laughing right now

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: Anyway, the BLU Medic has asked me if you could tone down the jokes about his wife.

Scrumpy: Why?

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: Because It's apparently a sore spot. 

Scrumpy: And you listened to him?

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: Oh, heavens no!

The Angry Bird God of the Badlands: I'm just the messenger, I can't tell you what you can or can't do.

Scrumpy: Heh nice!

 

Battle Medic: Friedrich.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I thought we agreed not to contact each other

Battle Medic: Friedrich, would your Demo like to share my ex husband's fate?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I didn't tell him to make those jokes, I swear I didn't!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: He just heard what your Demo said and thought he'd get back at you!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Wait

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: What was your ex husband's fate?

Battle Medic: I ripped out his throat with my teeth.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: O-O

 

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Cormac, well done

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: You've come out as both a queer and a necrophiliac

Demoboom: I BLOODY DID WHAT

Chapter 46: What's the point of fanwork if you can't insert your pets into it?

Summary:

For the uninitiated, I'm Polish! Bare with me, this will become relevant soon.
I'm sure some of you have noticed Heavy calling Medic Lutzenka in my fics by now, which is just the nickname Lutz (derived from Ludwig) turned into a diminutive version of the name based on how Russian creates diminutives. I basically took the diminutive Mishenka (derived from Misha/Mikhail) & did that to Ludwig's name.
And then I realised. Then I FUCKING REALISED.
I own a pet rabbit called Luca, pronounced Luka. But in Polish the C is pronounced like Ts or Tz, so no one in my family calls him Luca, because Polish also has diminutive versions of names, so we call him Lucek, pronounced Loo-ts-ek. Sometimes, we also call him Lucunek, or Lucunka. Lutz/Lucek. Lutzenka/Lucunka. DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN??
Anyway, I wanted to curse people other than my friend with this knowledge, so here it is.

Ya cant catch me: vati

Ya cant catch me: u kno i love u right

Ya cant catch me: ?

Here we go again: How many broken bones? Who do I need to kill? How much is the bail money?

Ya cant catch me: what no!

Ya cant catch me: i didnt get into truble at all!

Here we go again: Then what is it, junge?

Here we go again: Oh, wait, do you need me to buy you something, is that it?

Ya cant catch me: um

Ya cant catch me: sorta?

Here we go again: Did you blow through your entire paycheck already?

Here we go again: Because if you're coming to me of all people, then it must be really bad, and the others told you, rightfully so, to stop begging and to take responsibility.

Ya cant catch me: thats not it at all!

Here we go again: Then what is it?

Ya cant catch me: also i came to u first cos i kno ur more likely to say yes

Here we go again: Jeremy.

Here we go again: What.

Here we go again: Is.

Here we go again: It.

Ya cant catch me: can i get myself a bunny pls vati

Ya cant catch me: i kno weer nit supposed to have pets on the base but u guys have pets anyway!

Here we go again: Jeremy, you have a dog, is that not enough?

Ya cant catch me: busters great but this guy on the street is selling baby bunnies & i really want 1!

Ya cant catch me: theres this big boy here with a lil upside down heart splodge on his nose hes so cute!

Ya cant catch me: street guy says his name is luca!

Heavy: Luca? Pronounces like Lutz-a?

Ya cant catch me: uh no like luka

Ya cant catch me: hard k big guy

Heavy: Lutzenka and Lucenka

Heavy: Lutzenka please let Scout keep bunny

Here we go again: Heavy! What has gotten into you!

Heavy: Sisters and I always wanted bunnies as kids

Heavy: Is lifelong dream

Heavy: Little bunny with nose heart is perfect, even names match up

Heavy: Lutzenka and Lucenka

Ya cant catch me: its pronounced with a k not a tz

Ya cant catch me: but thanks for being on my side bug guy!

Here we go again: Fine, alright, you can buy this Luca rabbit.

Here we go again: You knew if you and Heavy ganged up on me I wouldn't be able to say no, didn't you?

Ya cant catch me: thats wy i went to u first & not to dell or spy!

Here we go again: That bunny better be adorable.

Ya cant catch me: cutest bunny uv ever seen doc!

Ya cant catch me: pls save me from dell & dad tho

Heavy: Heavy will protect bunny AND bunny boy

Ya cant catch me: wow thanks big guy

Here we go again: -_- What did I get myself into?

Notes:

I hope you folks enjoy this pic of my lil old man. He's turning 9 on the 25th of June 2024

Chapter 47: Look, this may be childish, but John kinda deserves it

Medic of the Mannth: Herr BLU Soldat? Hallo! I didn't know you and RED Soldat had a chat together!

Johnny boy: What do you want, nurse

Medic of the Mannth: Ah, you see, Jane said he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.

Medic of the Mannth: But I am not Jane, which means I have no such reservations. (:

Johnny boy: Get to the point sally

Medic of the Mannth: Alright, Gemma.

Johnny boy: What did you just call me!

Medic of the Mannth: What is it, Prue? Don't you like it when someone refers to you by a name that isn't yours?

Medic of the Mannth: Really, I've told both you and your brother plenty of time that Fritz is the BLU Medic, while my name is Lutz.

Medic of the Mannth: And Sally is just silly. Is that how Americans refer to their female doctors? Silly.

Johnny boy: Gemma is a girls name!

Medic of the Mannth: It is! Well done for figuring that out, Milly!

Medic of the Mannth: Maybe your not as lead-poisoned as Fritz and I thought!

Johnny boy: I'm gonna kick your ass tomorrow, Herr Doktor!

Johnny boy: And then I'll strangle you with your own panties!

Medic of the Mannth: John, I have a message from Jane for you.

Johnny boy: What now

Medic of the Mannth: Ahem, it goes 'suck me girly dick, you big sissy. :p'

Johnny boy: FUCK YOU!

Medic of the Mannth: No thank you, I'm engaged.

Medic of the Mannth: I do have a message for you from me too, though.

Johnny boy: I don't wanna hear it!

Medic of the Mannth: Oh well, I'll send it to you anyway.

Medic of the Mannth: Suck my pregnant trans dick, Imma market garden ya so bad ur fuckin shovel will weep. Caw caw motherfucker, watch the sky Im comin for you, Jemima.

Medic of the Mannth: c:

 

Flametastic: Dude youre so good at impersonating vati XD

Batta-SWING: thank u thank u *bows*

Hoot HOOT: That was bloody bewtiful

Flametastic: Wish we could see that Blu dick''s face

Hoot HOOT: Gonna see it plenty tomorrow

Batta-SWING: just remmeber to tell solly to grab doc at the start of the mission 

Violin concert at 5pm, living room: Why are we grabbing me? 

Violin concert at 5pm, living room: c:?

Chapter 48: PSA

I can't believe I have to say this, but hi, hello! My name is Booker-Garet, & I am a TransMAN who writes about transMEN, & I haven't exactly been hiding that fact!

Like, the person this is about has been blocked, I've deleted their comments, but maybe DON'T call a transmasc creator 'girlypop' for any fucking reason? But some of you clearly haven't realised that I am a MAN, I am not your 'girlie', & calling me that is misgendering me. How do you read almost 50 chapters of my fic where a main plot point is a TRANSMAN getting pregnant, & don't get it?

Anyway, yes, for anyone still confused, I am a transMAN, & if anyone thinks it's ok to blatantly misgender a transman that you don't even know, maybe fuck off & never read any of my fics again? Thanks. 

I'm going to be deleting any comments from people who won't behave, who will insist on misgendering or being transphobic about the characters I write about, but I'm not going to roll over & let anyone do that to me. If you understand why a transwoman, or even a ciswoman, may be uncomfortable with being called 'dude', the exact same logic applies here.

All in all: don't fucking misgender random trans creators that you don't know? Either masc or femme? I'm a real person with real life experiences & real life trauma, I don't just pull most of these storylines out of my ass. Maybe realise that before you go & act like an arse towards a trans creator that you don't personally know.

Chapter 49: The start of the wedding arc

Summary:

So, we're at the last stretch, folks. Red Oktoberfest are getting married, the twins are gonna be born, a few more one-shots will be written, & this will be the end of the plot driven part of this fic. Damn, how time flies (he says that despite writing this whole thing in like two weeks)

Bunny boy: hey doc i have a question

Angel of Death: Ja?

Bunny boy: u & heavy are both jewish right

Angel of Death: I'm ethnically Jewish but non-practicing. Heavy's parents were converts but not ethnically Jewish.

Bunny boy: so are u having a jewish wedding

Angel of Death: I suppose we will include certain traditions, yes.

Angel of Death: Why do you ask?

Bunny boy: well my family is mostly catholic & i was wondering how it differed

Angel of Death: Oh! Well, it is mostly a standard wedding with vows and the like, but there is a contract that must be signed, and the groom offers the bride a ring, and afterwards steps on a glass, and a few other things like that.

Bunny boy: oh shit

Bunny boy: so hoos gonna act as the groom & hoo as the bride

Angel of Death: Aren't you smart?

Angel of Death: I'm not acting as the bride, that is certain, even if I did agree to wearing white to the wedding.

Angel of Death: My last wedding was Christian, as my grandparents were converts, but I refuse to take on the role of the bride.

Bunny boy: ye i get that but asking heavy to do it

Angel of Death: I won't ask him to do it either, because we are both grooms.

Angel of Death: I suppose we will ignore the kiddushin, or we will exchange rings like in Christian weddings to show how we're equals. 

Angel of Death: I don't know how many of the prayers Misha wants spoken, as I said I'm not exactly religious in any way. But he can say all the prayers he wants, and then break the glass.

Bunny boy: whats the glass for

Angel of Death: It's a symbol. You have two glasses, both of wine, and different prayers are said over each of them at different points of the ceremony.

Bunny boy: if ur not practising then how do u know all that

Angel of Death: I spent an entire day at the library, that's how.

Bunny boy: so that u didnt look like an idiot when hev asks u about it?

Angel of Death: No. So that I can actively participate in the planning of this wedding, instead of giving Mikhail free reign.

Angel of Death: Last time I wasn't even allowed to pick the dress!

Bunny boy: that sucks & reminds of when ma would take us to church while i was still a girl

Bunny boy: do u think we could use spys wine glasses for the glass breaking

Angel of Death: Not with his permission, that's certain.

Bunny boy: hehe

Angel of Death: I'm not going to fix your broken bones on my wedding day, hase. <3

Bunny boy: dammit

Notes:

Note: I'm not Jewish, I just did some basic research for this. If any info here is inaccurate, feel free to correct me! I'm not exactly religious, like Medic, & I've never been present at any sort of wedding, at most I kinda remember some of the rites from my Religious Education classes in secondary school, & that goes for all weddings.

Chapter 50: The glory of alcohol

Summary:

Don't drink while pregnant, pls

I. Want. To. Dissect: Ugh, I miss alcohol.

RED Engineer: Lu, no

Kablooey: Lutz, no

Selfmade dude: doc, no

I. Want. To. Dissect: >:c I'm not saying I'm GOING to drink alcohol. I just said that I MISS it. 

Kablooey: Two more months and youre free

I. Want. To. Dissect: Why did we wait so long?

Selfmade dude: for what

I. Want. To. Dissect: The wedding!

I. Want. To. Dissect: Look at me!

I. Want. To. Dissect: I'm supposed to get married like this. ;-;

I. Want. To. Dissect: Sob.

RED Engineer: Lu, you look great

I. Want. To. Dissect: I look gross.

I. Want. To. Dissect: My facial hair hasn't grown in, in months, my stomach is huge and bloated, I've gained weight and lost muscle mass.

I. Want. To. Dissect: I don't want to do it like this!

I. Want. To. Dissect: I really want a drink.

Kablooey: You want tae wait until after the birth?

I. Want. To. Dissect: No!

Selfmade dude: i mean it aint official & weer doing it at the base & theres no rush

I. Want. To. Dissect: There is a rush!

RED Engineer: With?

I. Want. To. Dissect: We won't have time for a wedding with two kinder to take care of!

Kablooey: Thats true thats true

I. Want. To. Dissect: If Heavy even wants to marry me, still.

Selfmade dude: u say that like he aint head over heels for u!

RED Engineer: I've never seen the big guy look more in love, yeah

Kablooey: Lad has never found you more attractive and thats a fact

I. Want. To. Dissect: Are you sure?

Kablooey: We are!

Selfmade dude: no im lying out of my ass

RED Engineer: Scout!

Selfmade dude: im joking im joking!

Selfmade dude: big guy left his comm somewhere but hes sitting next to me talking my eer of about how excited he is to get married to

Selfmade dude: im quoting him heer gimme a sec

Selfmade dude: 'most beautiful man in world smartest man to ever live or exist heavy is so lucky he is marrying doktor i am only mortal but medic must be god how did i earn this heavy doesnt deserve doktor'

I. Want. To. Dissect: He really said all that?

Selfmade dude: ye he did

Selfmade dude: come get him or something i think my teeth are gonna fall out from how sweet hes beeing

I. Want. To. Dissect: ;w;

I. Want. To. Dissect: I'm on my way!

RED Engineer: Did he really say all that, Scoot?

Selfmade dude: na i made it all up

Selfmade dude: im joking

Selfmade dude: thees two wer made for each other

RED Engineer: They really were

Kablooey: Yup

Chapter 51: Wedding shopping

Dove wings & scalpels: Engineer, Spy, I need your help.

Dove wings & scalpels: Actually, I just need Spy's help.

RED Engineer: :c

Dove wings & scalpels: I'm sorry, mein Freund, but I don't think you will enjoy helping me pick out wedding suits.

RED Engineer: Why not? You're my friend, Lu, I'd gladly do boring stuff with you

Dove wings & scalpels: Ach, there it is.

SPY: You just called the doctor's wedding preparations 'boring', mon chou

RED Engineer: Dagnabit

Dove wings & scalpels: It's alright, Dell, I understand. You can go and help Misha with the catering, though! That's something you're more interested in.

RED Engineer: I'm sorry, Lu

Dove wings & scalpels: No need to be sorry, I understand. c:

Dove wings & scalpels: Now, Jacques, meet me outside the base. There is this one store I know of, in the opposite direction to Tuefort, that could be useful.

SPY: No need, docteur

Dove wings & scalpels: What?

SPY: I will take you to my personal tailor

Dove wings & scalpels: You will? ;w;

SPY: You are getting married! You can't go to the same man who tailors your work clothes!

SPY: Non, I shan't stand for it, you will go to a proper tailor, and receive a suit worthy of your character

SPY: You are going to make Mikhail pass out with how handsome you shall look when you both stand at the altar

Dove wings & scalpels: ;w;

Dove wings & scalpels: Oh, this is going to be wunderbar!

RED Engineer: Good luck with that, Lu!

RED Engineer: Take care of him, Spah!

Dove wings & scalpels: I don't need to be taken care of, Dell!

Dove wings & scalpels: I'm a grown man, Dell!

RED Engineer: Sorry

RED Engineer: Force of habit from the battlefield?

Dove wings & scalpels: No, no it's not.

RED Engineer: :c

Chapter 52: It's not all fun & games

Heavy: Is sad day

RED Engineer: What happened, big guy?

Heavy: Just got letter from sisters

Heavy: Got caught up in storm

Heavy: Planes are not flying

Heavy: Mama and sisters won't make it to wedding at all

Ludwig: Oh, Misha.

Ludwig: Do you want me to come to your room, Bärchen? 

Heavy: Da

Ludwig: I'm on my way.

Ludwig: Very slowly, but I'm on my way.

Heavy: No, doktor!

Heavy: I come to you, is better idea

Ludwig: If you say so.

Scooty: hey maybe theyll make it to the reception tho

Heavy: Planes won't fly for days

Heavy: Will not make it to wedding at all, or dances, or feast

Heavy: Will just be team, Miss P, and BLU Pyro

Scooty: my ma said she is gonna come too!

Scooty: she owes u guys a lot for keeping me safe those first few months when we just started

Heavy: Da, she will come too

Heavy: But I still miss mama and sisters

Ludwig: I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, Misha.

Kaboom: Maybe we could redo the ceremony

Kaboom: Or push it back?

Ludwig: Tavish, I'm about to pop at any second despite being only 8 1/2 months along.

Ludwig: We wasted enough time already.

Kaboom: Second ceremony then!

Kaboom: You have your one tomorrow where you make it official

Kaboom: And when the Nabokov ladies show up we have a bigger proper ceremony!

Heavy: Hmm

Heavy: Da, I like idea

Queen of Pyroland: We could uninvite Beetle & Miss P & Scout's ma, & just have it be a team thing, just the nine of us

Scooty: oh ye my ma is gonna be fine with that 

SPY: Oui, she will be. Our own wedding was hardly even a ceremony at all

SPY: She will understand the necessity

Heavy: Da, alright

Heavy: This way we can marry now, and do big wedding when children are a bit older, and invite everyone

Bushmen rule: No rush then

Heavy: Lutzenka, where are you?

Ludwig: In the living room, where were you looking for me?

Heavy: In bedroom, in lab, in common room

Ludwig: Well, I'm stuck on the couch in the living room.

Heavy: Does doktor like plan?

Ludwig: I'm not opposed to it.

Heavy: Good! Then we make two weddings!

Chapter 53: The wedding, & all the woes that come with it

Summary:

Warning in this chapter for implied panic attacks

Heavy: Where is Ludwig?

Mundy: I dunno, he should've been here already

Dell: I know you two didn't wanna do that whole 'walking down the aisle' thing but he should've shown up by now

Heavy: Team, where is Ludwig?

Tavish: He didnt get kidnapped again did he?

Scout: guys

Mundy: Scout?

Scout: heavy u gotta come here!

Scout: now!

Heavy: Where is here?

Bug: Vati's quarters, where he was getting ready!

Bug: Get over here, Misha!

Heavy: On my way!

Dell: Py, Scoot, what's happening?

Scout: the docs having a super big panic attack now

Bug: Keeps speaking in German but I think he's talking about his mother

Dell: Lu didn't have a mother growing up, though

Scout: he had a step mom who hated him real bad

Dell: How do you know that?

Scout: does it fucking matter engy??

Tavish: Just stay with the lad til Mish gets there

Scout: what do u think weer doing!

Bug: He's here

Spy: Come back to the main room and tell us what happened

Bug: He put on the suit & just broke down!

Scout: i thout he was crying happy teers at first & i kinda laufed & said not to be so happy he was gonna spend the rest of his life with the big guy

Scout: & he just collapsed & started hayperventilating!

Mundy: Where are you both?

Bug: Standing outside vati's room, listening

Soldier: WHY?

Bug: To make sure Heavy doesnt need help, duh!

Scout: oh my fuck

Mundy: Roo?

Scout: oh my fuck they did it

Dell: Did what?

Bug: Said their 'I do's 

Spy: In Ludwig's bedroom

Scout: ye

Spy: When we're all prepared and waiting

Spy: Good for them

Heavy: Team

Dell: Heavy?

Tavish: You lads alright?

Mundy: Think you could come out now?

Heavy: Someone call Fritz

Spy: Oh no

Heavy: Ludwig is in labor

Notes:

I'm such a tease! Tomorrow will come out the next plot driven chapter, & later in the day will also come out the tie-in one-shot, but for now I leave you all with this cliffhanger

Chapter 54: Curses & cries

Summary:

This is the big chapter. Warning for, uh, death in childbirth & other stuff like that. Absolutely NOTHING graphic, tho, no graphic death or graphic childbirth. The most graphic thing here is a broken hand, that's it.

Notes:

Now with a tie-in one-shot: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55728346

Tavish: Mish that Blu bastard isnnae treating you badly is he?

Heavy: Nyet

Heavy: Fritz is very smart and knows what he is doing

Mundy: How's the poor doc?

Mundy: I mean, we can all hear him out there, but still, how is he?

Heavy: Has been the same for hours

Heavy: Fritz say he may need to cut doctor open

Soldier: WHAT

Soldier: WHY

Heavy: Been cut open before, has scar

Heavy: Something something walls of organ don't work properly and can't push out properly

Heavy: Will need surgery

Dell: Keep us updated, big guy

Heavy: Someone should come here, be ready to pick up babies

Scout: ill go i saw a few of my sisters-in-law give birth before so i aint squeamish

Tavish: Aye, Ill go too Im good with babies

Heavy: Thank you, comrades

 

Heavy: Hand broken

Bug: Whose?

Heavy: My

Bug: Why??

Heavy: Ludwig held tightly, broke bone

Heavy: Is starting to hurt now, didn't notice earlier

Dell: Is the doc awake

Heavy: Da, but cannot feel lower body

Heavy: Fritz give numbing chemicals

Heavy: If I try to spell it I will cry

Spy: We understand what you mean, mon ami

Heavy: Da

Heavy: Babies are out

Heavy: Demo and Scout will come out soon

Heavy: Doctor is out of it

Heavy: He is not making sense

Heavy: Is crying and speaking many words

Heavy: He is scaring me

Mundy: What why?

Tavish: Whats going on back there??

Heavy: Fritz is trying to help, but Lutz is so weak

Heavy: Something went wrong, Fritz does not say what

Heavy: Doctor keeps saying goodbye

Heavy: To take care of kinder

Dell: He's not gonna die, is he?

Heavy: I don't know!

Heavy: He says he was stupid

Heavy: Knew this would happen

Heavy: Family is cursed

Heavy: Keeps calling me husband and saying sorry

Heavy: Fritz promises me he will make it

Spy: What curse?

Heavy: Family curse

Heavy: Baby die at birth, or their mama dies

Heavy: Has been like that for years

Heavy: My poor doktor

Heavy: Lost Elsie already

Heavy: He say is his turn

Heavy: Is sorry he leaves me with children alone

Heavy: I can't do this

Heavy: Will message later

 

Dell: Fritz!

Tavish: Hey laddie we know youre here whats going on over there?

Tavish: I leave for one second and Misha is already crying that Lutz is gonna die

Mundy: Is our doc even alive still?

Soldier: WHAT CURSE WHAT WAS HEAVY TALKING ABOUT?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I don't know what sort of curse he is talking about

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Frankly I'm shocked he even believes in such nonsense

Scout: cut the crap or ill go in there & beat ur ass!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: He's not dying, that much I can tell you

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: He will live

Spy: Really?

Soldier: Hurrah!

Bug: What's wrong with him, then?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: He was hemorrhaging badly despite my best attempts to be quick

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: He briefly went into shock, so I put him under

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I would go out there and explain but I have to monitor him

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Thankfully we have the medigun, & the hemorrhaging stopped quickly

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: But he is very weak & probably wont be himself for a while when he wakes up

Mundy: Fuck that, he's alive!

Tavish: And so are the bairns!

Tavish: You dont wanna come out here to meet them?

Dell: You did so much for us, Fritz

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: No offense, but I really don't like children

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Why do you think I became a field medic?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: But dont wonder off with them

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: They need to eat soon

Bug: We'll keep them safe, no worries

Scout: theyre so cute OoO

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I'm not worried about them

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I'm worried about my own head if something happens to them

Mundy: Honestly, fair

Scout: fair fair

Spy: Understandable

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: If Mikhail doesnt do it, I'll keep you updated on Ludwig's condition

Dell: Thanks, doc, we owe you

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I know

 

Heavy: He did it

Dell: Heavy?

Spy: Did what?

Tavish: Is the lad alright?

Heavy: Doktor is alive!

Tavish: Phew thats a relief

Bug: Is he awake?

Heavy: Yes

Heavy: He is!

Heavy: Bring children in, doktor thinks curse got them D:

Scout: weer coming!

Heavy: Beautiful, beautiful

Heavy: Husband and children, so beautiful

Heavy: Could not be happier

Spy: You two deserve this happiness

Heavy: Doktor has a message for team

Dell: Yeah?

Heavy: Today, we became gods

Notes:

Welp. This is unofficially, officially the end of the fic. There will be more chapters, of course (at the posting of this chapter, the chapter counter says 53/63 after all), but the big overarching plot I somehow scrounged up, is over. After the backlog is run dry, new chapters will come out slowly & inconsistently, whenever I come up with something funny, & they won't really be plot driven at all. Tie-in one-shots will also happen every so often, but with the same sorta urgency as new chapters here.
Spy gets isekaid WILL have a more regular upload schedule, tho, but the chapters there are long & require some more thought put into them then just funny text convos so updates there will be slow as well.
Thanks to everyone who read this fic, commented, & helped spawn the plot of this fic, it's been super fun.

Chapter 55: Murderous Medics

Notes:

We've officially passed the plot driven part of this fic, & now we're going back to the random, unconnected funny chapters that I just write for fun

Scoutiliscious: guys watch out!

RED Engineer: What's up, Scoot?

Scoutiliscious: vati is murderous!

SPY: Oh no, who did what to piss him off

Scoutiliscious: nothing!

Scoutiliscious: he just says he hasnt killed anything in a wile & now that he can get out of bed without help again he wants to cut someone open!

RED Engineer: Well

RED Engineer: Alrighty then

Happy camper: Obviously we can't have him killing people, but he's not well enough yet to go back into battle

American patriot: What if Engie switched the respawn on for a few minutes and we let the doc kill some of us?

Boom boom in the room room: Solly, no!

Happy camper: Wait that's actually not a bad idea

Boom boom in the room room: Ok but Engie doesnt know how to switch it on its all automated 

RED Engineer: Yeah I do

Boom boom in the room room: See?

Boom boom in the room room: Wait WHAT

SPY: Since when can you do that, labourer

RED Engineer: Since always?

RED Engineer: I'm just not allowed to cause it eats up resources like crazy

RED Engineer: But I could cash in a favour with Miss P and switch it on for five or ten minutes

Scoutiliscious: & then we let medic kill us

RED Engineer: Yes

Scoutiliscious: great

Chapter 56: Identity theft squared

American patriot: MAGGOTS!

FREEEEDOM: Solly whats wrong

American patriot: Why did I just find Medic drinking beer in the kitchen?

FREEEEDOM: Why dont you ask him?

American patriot: I'm scared to

American patriot: Ok, I asked him

American patriot: He says he missed drinking because of the pregnancy and he's celebrating not dying

American patriot: Heavy is also mad at him for keeping the curse and dying thing a secret

FREEEEDOM: So hes getting drunk

American patriot: He's getting drunk, yes

FREEEEDOM: Solly do me a favour

American patriot: Yes?

FREEEEDOM: Pick him up and take him tae his room

American patriot: GOOD IDEA, TAVISH!

American patriot: Bad idea, Tavish

FREEEEDOM: Oh no what happened?

American patriot: He smacked me on the helmet so loud my ears are ringing

American patriot: Then he started crying and saying that he has no idea what to do with his life anymore because he tied up all his loose ends months ago

FREEEEDOM: Jane you need me tae help you out?

American patriot: I'm currently hugging him but it doesn't seem to work!

American patriot: Hugging always works, thats just a fact of life!

FREEEEDOM: Hug him longer let him cry his eyes out

FREEEEDOM: It's the hormones and the alcohol talking remember that

American patriot: Alright i will

American patriot: Tavish

FREEEEDOM: Yes Jane?

American patriot: What would you do if I told you I wanted to start a family?

FREEEEDOM: Id tell you that we should wait until our contract ends and also have a talk with the wifey

American patriot: Good idea, Tavish!

FREEEEDOM: Jane

American patriot: Ludwig is calming down now

American patriot: He looks a bit like a wet kitten like this

FREEEEDOM: Jane!

American patriot: Yes?

FREEEEDOM: Youre not pregnant are you

American patriot: I would never lie to you, illegal husband of mine!

American patriot: Besides, we need to wait for the end of the war & to talk to Zannah!

FREEEEDOM: Jane

American patriot: I already picked a name

FREEEEDOM: JANE!

 

Usurper of god's throne: Bug, Jeremy, Mick.

Usurper of god's throne: That was a very cruel prank to play on Tavish.

Queen of Pyroland: We didn't think he'd actually believe he was talking to Jane

Usurper of god's throne: But he did.

Usurper of god's throne: And now he's in my room crying into my shoulder.

Usurper of god's throne: Someone get him, I want to take a nap.

Usurper of god's throne: Also, thank you so much for making me out to be such a drunkard, who can't even go nine months without a beer.

Usurper of god's throne: Thank you.

Bonk Master 6000: u welcome doc

Usurper of god's throne: I was being sarcastic, junge.

Bonk Master 6000: i know

Happy camper: Should I get Heavy to grab Demo?

Usurper of god's throne: No, grab someone else.

Usurper of god's throne: Heavy is, in fact, mad at me.

Queen of Pyroland: O-O

Happy camper: O-O

Bonk Master 6000: 0-0

Queen of Pyroland: We're sorry

Bonk Master 6000: sorry doc sorry!

Happy camper: I'm so sorry that one was my idea

Usurper of god's throne: I know, Sniper.

SPY: I know

Bonk Master 6000: SPY!

Happy camper: So we've been talking to the damn spook this whole time!

SPY: Convincing, non?

SPY: I'm the team's Spy for a reason

Queen of Pyroland: At least we know were Jay got it from

Bonk Master 6000: hey!

Bonk Master 6000: wait that was a compliment wasnt it

Queen of Pyroland: Yes

Queen of Pyroland: Yes it was

Bonk Master 6000: oh

Bonk Master 6000: thanks

 

Bonk Master 6000: wait

Bonk Master 6000: so does demo kno we played a prank on him or not?

Chapter 57: Ubersupport

American patriot: I'm confused

Kaboom: What about Solly?

American patriot: Shouldn't Medic be resting still?

Kaboom: Aye he should

Kaboom: Fritz told him hes not allowed to strain himself for the next few weeks

Kaboom: Why?

American patriot: Why is he carrying Spy and Sniper like a pair of angry raccoons?

American patriot: One under his arm and one over his shoulder?

Kaboom: Bloody hell

Kaboom: That man should not be alive with how often he ignores his own health

Kaboom: Jane you got tae go and stop him

American patriot: But he's scary, Tavish

Kaboom: I know Im aware but you got tae grab Spy and Sniper from him

Kaboom: Hes not supposed tae be carrying around anything heavier than the bairns

American patriot: That's good or bad?

Kaboom: Bad!

Kaboom: Get him tae drop those two trouble makers already! 

American patriot: Done

Kaboom: And?

American patriot: And now they're my problem and they're fighting

American patriot: And doc wants me to carry him back to his room

Kaboom: Ill come help you out Solly

American patriot: Thank you, Tavish

Chapter 58: Medic can be... very persuasive

Summary:

Warning for very suggestive things? & yup, Med is back on the battlefield already

The Medic: HEAVY!

Heavy: Can't

Heavy: Killing

Heavy: 1 hand

Heavy: E

Heavy: E

The Medic: I can't help you right now! I'm very busy!

The Medic: We're stuck in Engineer's nest with Spy and Soldier, we're completely surrounded!

Heavy: Can't help

Heavy: Ah

The Medic: Heavy.

The Medic: If you save us and win us this match.

The Medic: I will sit on your face.

Bushman's rules: Doc, seriously?

The Medic: Very seriously.

SPY: I mean, I think it worked

Bushman's rules: Bloody hell!

Scrumpy: Bloody hell indeed! The mans going on an actual rampage!

Bushman's rules: Its like he's ubered without an actual uber!

Boink: i didnt think that would work

The Medic: Ja, me neither.

Scrumpy: Doc seriously?

The Medic: Yes, seriously!

The Medic: It's paying off!

The Medic: Look!

SPY: I hate this team so much

RED Engineer: Shut up, Spah

Chapter 59: Divorce arc ?.0

Single father of 7 manchildren: I want a divorce.

Heavy: Ludwig

Single father of 7 manchildren: I am divorcing you!

RED Engineer: I see that doc didn't appreciate the joke

Single father of 7 manchildren: I am divorcing you as well, Dell!

Single father of 7 manchildren: You are my work husband no longer!

RED Engineer: Well, shit

Heavy: Doktor

Single father of 7 manchildren: Nein!

Heavy: Was joke not

Single father of 7 manchildren: NEIN!

Heavy: Your cup of tea?

Single father of 7 manchildren: DIVORCE! DIVORCE!

Single father of 7 manchildren: I AM GOING TO DIVORCE YOU!

Single father of 7 manchildren: YOU CANNOT DEPRIVE ME OF MY MORNING TEA AND THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH IT!

Boinkin' along: what just happened

Heavy: The weather is effecting doktor

Heavy: Doktor gets grumpy when weather is bad

Heavy: And today weather is very

Heavy: Muggy

Single father of 7 manchildren: DIVORCE!

Boinkin' along: is that wy all of our cups r on the bafflement & sniper is drinking cofee outta a bowl

Heavy: Da

Boinkin' along: i hate u all

RED Engineer: Bafflement, hehe

Boinkin' along: o u kno what i ment engy!

Chapter 60: I'm pretty sure I made this joke before

Summary:

Oh look! More SpeedingBullet & Red Oktoberfest bonding! Aren't I predictable?

Bushman's rules: Sob.

RED Engineer: Sniper?

RED Engineer: Son, what's the matter

Bushman's rules: I'm in love with the biggest idiot on the team who is best friends with the smartest idiot on the team

Bushman's rules: Sob.

Heavy: Heavy is thinking bad thoughts

RED Engineer: Oh no

Heavy: Want to make babies with doktor again, so that doktor stays on ass and doesn't do STUPID THING AGAIN

Heavy: Was so nice and quiet for few months

RED Engineer: I'm scared now

RED Engineer: What did Scout and Medic do?

Bushman's rules: Dared each other to touch an electric fence

Heavy: Touched electrified fence together

RED Engineer: WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF GOD DO YOU MEAN??

RED Engineer: WHERE DID THEY EVEN GET AN ELECTRIC FENCE????

RED Engineer: I THOUGHT THEY WERE SPENDING TIME WITH THE TOTS??????

Bushman's rules: We're in town and came across a fenced off farm on the outskirts

Heavy: Doktor and Scout hand as babies

Heavy: Don't tell us what they whisper about

Heavy: Then they run up to fence

Bushman's rules: And bloody electrocute themselves!

RED Engineer: WHYY!?

I have too many doves to count: For science, Herr Engineer!

Sir Bonkalot: cos its fun engy!

RED Engineer: YOU TWO ARE A HAZARD!

I have too many doves to count: c:

RED Engineer: DOC!

RED Engineer: DOC, THAT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT!

RED Engineer: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE WHO AVOIDS GETTING HURT!

I have too many doves to count: I have my self heal. c:

RED Engineer: BUT SCOUT DOESN'T!

I have too many doves to count: And that's why I'm here, as the team's doctor. c:

SPY: I am disowning both of you

SPY: You two broke my Engineer

I have too many doves to count: c:

Sir Bonkalot: ;D

RED Engineer: WHY ARE YOU TWO LIKE THIS!

Sir Bonkalot: ur 1 to talk engy u cut off ur own hand

RED Engineer: For a good reason!!

RED Engineer: What good reason is there to touch an electric fence!?!?

I have too many doves to count: To see how much it affects a human, of course.

RED Engineer: Doc, you were JUST pregnant!!

Heavy: Is about to be again, if not going to behave

I have too many doves to count: Don't threaten me with a good time, Misha.

Heavy: Doktor!

Bushman's rules: Roo, I'm gonna tie you to the roof of my van if you don't keep your hands to yourself!

Sir Bonkalot: hehe

Bushman's rules: JEREMY!

SPY: Imbeciles. All of you

RED Engineer: Even me?

SPY: Except for you, labourer

RED Engineer: Thanks, Spah

RED Engineer: Thanks

Chapter 61: Comm mishaps

Summary:

I'm trying something new out, bare with me.

    "Ba."

    "Ja."

    "Ba!"

    "Ja!"

    "Ba!"

    "Ja!"

    "Ba! Ba!"

    "Ja! Ja!"

    "LUDWIG!"

 

Who ate the last lollipop from my office?: Oh my god!

Who ate the last lollipop from my office?: Did I forget to switch my communication device off? ;w;

Scout-man: ye doc

Who ate the last lollipop from my office?: And you all heard that?

Kablooey: Every single one of us Lutz

Who ate the last lollipop from my office?: ;o;

Who ate the last lollipop from my office?: I'm so sorry.

Bushman's rules: Three hours??

Queen of Pyroland: Persistent lil buggers, just like their vati

Who ate the last lollipop from my office?: I was just trying to encourage the development of language by engaging in conversation!

Scout-man: im shure it was a intresting convo

Scout-man: but three hours?

Who ate the last lollipop from my office?: ;w;

Bushman's rules: You're not overstimulated?

Who ate the last lollipop from my office?: Not at all, actually.

Scout-man: thats crazy

Scout-man: ur crazy

Who ate the last lollipop from my office?: Danke. 

Scout-man: thats not

Scout-man: nevermind

Heavy: It was very cute

Who ate the last lollipop from my office?: Heavy!

RED Engineer: Doc

RED Engineer: Doc, we've heard you baby talking the birds before

RED Engineer: This is very normal in comparison

Who ate the last lollipop from my office?: ;w;

American patriot: Oh that was me

Who ate the last lollipop from my office?: It was you, what?

American patriot: I took the last lollipop from your office, doc

Dr God: Alright.

Dr God: Why?

American patriot: Um

American patriot: Because I wanted to see if my raccoons would like it

Dr God: I don't think lollipops are healthy for raccoons, Soldat.

American patriot: They didn't like it anyway

Dr God: No, I didn't think they would.

Heavy: Is doktor still teaching babies to talk?

Dr God: Yes, why?

Dr God: ENGINEER, WHY DID YOU GIVE MIKHAIL A RECORDING DEVICE!

Scout-man: whats rong doc

Scout-man: it aint like u have an image to upkeep or anything

Queen of Pyroland: Misha, I want to see that recording!

Dr Devil: You will do no such thing!

Dr Devil: Run, Mikhail, run!

Dr Devil: I am still faster than you!

Heavy: блять блять блять блять

Chapter 62: All my jokes are organic & locally sourced

Mad scientist supreme: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING A TRUMPET AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING!

SPY: Since when are you even asleep at two in the fucking morning

Mad scientist supreme: SINCE WHEN DO PEOPLE PLAY TRUMPETS AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING!

Kablooey: Since Sniper changed his sax for a trumpet apparently

Mad scientist supreme: WHO THE FUCK GAVE SNIPER A TRUMPET!

Sax king of Australia: Oh no

Queen of Pyroland: Mick?

Sax king of Australia: Oh no

Sax king of Australia: He found me

Sax king of Australia: OH NO

Sax king of Australia: HEAVY SAVE ME!

Sax king of Australia: GET YOUR HUSBAND!

Heavy: Hmm

Heavy: Nah

Sax king of Australia: ROO!

Sax king of Australia: ROO, SAVE ME!

Bonk Master 6k: suffer

Sax king of Australia: AAAAAAAAAH!

Sax king of Australia: NOOOOOOOO!!

Sax king of Australia: HE TOOK MY BABEY!

Sax king of Australia: MY TRUMPET!

Sax king of Australia: HE'S HOLDING HER HOSTAGE!

Sax king of Australia: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

SPY: No, seriously, since when does Medic go to bed earlier than at 5 in the morning

Chapter 63: 50 still counts as 'in his 50s'

Summary:

I think this is the shortest chapter I've ever written

Lord and King of all Dovekind: Engineer.

RED Engineer: Yeah?

Lord and King of all Dovekind: Can you help me with something?

RED Engineer: Always, Lu!

RED Engineer: What's wrong?

Lord and King of all Dovekind: Scout has begun using those acronyms that Miss Pauling taught him, and I am very confused.

Lord and King of all Dovekind: What does IDK, ILY, and TTYL mean?

RED Engineer: I don't know, I love you, talk to you later.

Lord and King of all Dovekind: Oh, well.

Lord and King of all Dovekind: I love you too, I guess I'll ask Sniper or Pyro to teach me instead.

RED Engineer: Wait, Lu, no

RED Engineer: And he's gone

RED Engineer: Oh, doc...

SPY: I will remind you that man is in his 50s

RED Engineer: I know...

RED Engineer: Darn...

Chapter 64: Work husband battle royale

Conga conga Medic!: Engineer?

RED Engineer: Yup

Conga conga Medic!: I need to borrow one of your things.

RED Engineer: What things?

Conga conga Medic!: I'm trying to remember the English name for them.

Conga conga Medic!: The thing with the canister that spits fire.

RED Engineer: A blowtorch?

Conga conga Medic!: Ja! I need it for an experiment, my Bunsen burner does not get hot enough for what I am trying to do.

RED Engineer: Well, sure thing, Lu

RED Engineer: I'll drop off one of my handheld blowtorches at your lab in a few minutes

Conga conga Medic!: Danke, Engineer!

Conga conga Medic!: This is why you are my favourite work husband!

RED Engineer: I thought I was your only work husband?

Kaboom: Then what am I? The soot on the bottom of a beaker?

Kaboom: Ive got ten of those pretty things ready for any sort of experiment! And they all use me own gas mixture so they burn extra bright or my name isnnae Tavish Finnegan DeGroot!

RED Engineer: Oh dang, I've got competition!

RED Engineer: Square up, Scotty!

Kaboom: You me outside the base at ten

Kaboom: Bring your best explosives shorty

Conga conga Medic!: Heavy, what did I just do?

Heavy: Started war

Conga conga Medic!: Oh no.

Heavy: Don't worry, doktor

Heavy: I would go to war for you too

Conga conga Medic!: Heavy!

Conga conga Medic!: You would? Really?

Heavy: Da

Not in trouble for once: im getting the popcorn

Queen of Pyroland: Save me some, Jay!

Chapter 65: Manslaughter at the store is not allowed

Lovey Dovey: Help!

RED Engineer: With?

Lovey Dovey: Someone at the store just asked me if I'm sure Emil and Maria are twins.

RED Engineer: Wha

Lovey Dovey: How do I respond without outing myself??

RED Engineer: Tell them you were there??

American patriot: You don't have to say you were the one who gave birth

Kablooey: Tell them it was buy 1 get 1 free

Lovey Dovey: Tavish!

Lovey Dovey: Oh no, now she's asking me how I tell them apart!

Lovey Dovey: Bitte, I am about to commit manslaughter, why did I agree to going to the store by myself!

Heavy: Tell them this

Heavy: If doktor is confused, doktor change nappies

Lovey Dovey: MISHA!

Heavy: What?

Heavy: Is how I remember who is who c;

Lovey Dovey: I told this woman that they are fraternal twins.

Lovey Dovey: Do you know what she said?

Batter balls: i dont think i wanna kno

Lovey Dovey: 'That's not a thing'.

SPY: I am on my way, doctuer. Hold on a little longer, I will come save you

Koala king: Next time someone asks you how you tell them apart, just say that you dont and you just hope the right kid gets used to the right name

Lovey Dovey: Mick!

Lovey Dovey: You are all useless!

Lovey Dovey: Being useless is now verboten!

SPY: I am being helpful, I'm on my way to save you from the embarrassment

Lovey Dovey: Too late.

Lovey Dovey: The twins started crying.

Koala king: Looks like they were sick of that ladies questions as much as you

Lovey Dovey: I blame you and your genes, Mikhail.

Heavy: :C

Chapter 66: CHOCOLATE?!?!?

RED Engineer: How are the tatertots, Lu?

God's worst nightmare: Was?

RED Engineer: Tatertots! Like tots, kids

God's worst nightmare: Are you referring to my children as potatoes, Dell?

RED Engineer: Uh

RED Engineer: Maybe?

God's worst nightmare: >:c

RED Engineer: Sorry!

RED Engineer: Didn't know you wouldn't like that

God's worst nightmare: My children are not food!

Bonk Master: like u dont call them food names either

God's worst nightmare: I do not! Whatever gave you the idea!

Bonk Master: u call them kinder

God's worst nightmare: Yes?

Bonk Master: like the chocolate

God's worst nightmare: No??

Bonk Master: then like what??

God's worst nightmare: Like the German word for children????

Bonk Master: its what????

God's worst nightmare: Scout, did you think I was calling you, Pyro, and  Sniper CHOCOLATE when I referred to you as kinder??

Bonk Master: uh kinda

Bonk Master: not that i minded i just thout it was a language barrier or somthing

RED Engineer: Oh my god

RED Engineer: Oh my god, Scooter

RED Engineer: I'm telling Sniper

Bonk Master: no u dont!

Bonk Master: engy!

God's worst nightmare: Chocolate. Chocolate! What even is this kinder chocolate!

SPY: It's a subset of an Italian chocolate company that was founded about a year after we began working for RED

SPY: It seems that it got rather popular over the past few years

God's worst nightmare: I will ignore the fact that an Italian company is using a German word to sell chocolate to children, although that baffles me.

God's worst nightmare: Is it at least good chocolate?

SPY: To quote you, docteur: I have no idea

God's worst nightmare: Ha. Ha.

God's worst nightmare: You do know how to get your hands on some, don't you?

SPY: I do

SPY: Say the word & I will ensure it arrives at the base in three days max

God's worst nightmare: Don't tell the others.

SPY: My lips are sealed

God's worst nightmare: E

God's worst nightmare: E

God's worst nightmare: E

God's worst nightmare: E

God's worst nightmare: E

God's worst nightmare: E

God's worst nightmare: E

God's worst nightmare: E

SPY: Really, docteur

God's worst nightmare: What?

God's worst nightmare: It works, doesn't it?

Chapter 67: Personally I'm a whiskey & coke kinda guy

Summary:

I wrote this purely because I wanted Medic to use the phrase Hot Scheisse

Herr Medic: You think you are such hot Schiesse, don't you?

Im the Milkman: wat

SPY: Come and say that to my face, docteur

RED Engineer: Wha

Herr Medic: Oolala, look at me, I am French and my blood is made of 90% wine and 10% child abandonment, hon hon.

Heavy: что

SPY: Oh, look at me, I am German und all I can shtomach iz fermented bread, und I don't even have a medical license!

Miss F. Pauling: What

Herr Medic: I don't need a medical license to cut you open!

Queen of Pyroland: What the

SPY: You won't do that because you know you're wrong!

American patriot: WHAT ARE YOU LADIES FIGHTING ABOUT!

Herr Medic: Jacques here thinks wine is a better pairing for a meal than beer! Maybe if what you're eating is fish eggs and cooked snail!

Koala king: Huh?

SPY: The docteur is trying to argue that beer pairs well with any dish. Maybe if you're eating stale bread and old cheese!

Scrumpy: Both of you are wrong

SPY: What

Herr Medic: Was?

Scrumpy: Gin. Everything pairs well with gin

Herr Medic: Gin??

SPY: We're not trying to get drunk here! 

RED Engineer: Not everyone can chug spirit like water, Demo

Scrumpy: Eh

Scrumpy: That isnnae my problem

Miss F. Pauling: Is this really what you guys get up to in your spare time?

Heavy: Da

Im the Milkman: hot schiesse

Im the Milkman: i gotta steal that

Chapter 68: The joys of being multilingual

Heavy: Doktor say having kids was best idea I had in a while

RED Engineer: Alright, I'll bite

RED Engineer: Why?

Heavy: Because he say it is incentive to practice more German

RED Engineer: But the tots ain't speaking yet, it's barely been half a year

Heavy: Doktor say babies will speak faster if we talk to them more

RED Engineer: With 9 adults on base that ain't hard

Heavy: Da, but doktor want babies to speak English, German, and Russian

RED Engineer: So what's the problem? You talk to them in Russian and he in German

Heavy: Problem is doktor know more Russian than I know German ;w;

RED Engineer: Ah

RED Engineer: I see

RED Engineer: Yeah, there ain't a better reason to start learning a language, than knowing your own kids will be speaking it before you do

SPY: I did offer you lessons, mon ami

Heavy: Spy is terrible teacher

Heavy: No offense

SPY: Dell, I know you're laughing, stop it

RED Engineer: Sorry, French toast, but I can't

SPY: Dell!

SPY: You are no longer invited to dinner

RED Engineer: :c

Chapter 69: You don't want to know how medigun fluid is made

Heavy: Doktor please

Angel of Death: I refuse.

Heavy: Doktor

Heavy: I go on knees and beg

Angel of Death: Stop complaining! It's not that bad!

SPY: What are you two arguing over again

RED Engineer: What did Lu do this time?

Angel of Death: I did absolutely nothing!

Heavy: Exactly, which is problem here!

RED Engineer: I'm lost

SPY: Just tell us what's going on already

Angel of Death: Fine.

Angel of Death: Misha and I were sparring, because I expressed worry that I had gotten rusty from the pregnancy.

Heavy: Doktor did not go rusty, I promise

Angel of Death: Still, this is one of those skills you have to upkeep.

RED Engineer: Ok, so?

RED Engineer: You two spar a lot, and go to the gym together, and all that

Angel of Death: Well, after our sparring session, I decided not to use the medigun to heal myself.

Heavy: Doktor look like I abuse him!

Angel of Death: I absolutely do not! Stop saying that! 

Heavy: D: doktor please

Heavy: Will scare children

Angel of Death: Our children?

Angel of Death: Or the manchildren we are forced to share a base with?

Heavy: Doktor

RED Engineer: I'm sure he doesn't look that bad, Heavy!

SPY: Even if he does, I'm sure he has looked worse

RED Engineer: Sweet mother of God, where you two sparring or trying to punch each other's heads off!

SPY: So, it is that bad, huh

RED Engineer: Heavy looks just as bad!

Heavy: Will not get healed in solidarity

Angel of Death: Stupid, stubborn man.

Heavy: Look who is talking

RED Engineer: Both of you have to get healed!

RED Engineer: Sparring my ass!

RED Engineer: Aren't you two supposed to pull your punches when training??

RED Engineer: Or simply because you love each other????

Magic unicorn flames: Why does vati look like his face met a blender?

Angel of Death: Pyro!

Magic unicorn flames: Am I wrong?

Angel of Death: We just got carried away.

Heavy: Doktor got carried away, tripped, smacked face on hardwood floor, and kick me in jaw by accident when getting up

Angel of Death: Heavy!

RED Engineer: Why won't you heal it?

Angel of Death: Because!

Magic unicorn flames: Yeah?

RED Engineer: Lu, heal it now!

Angel of Death: I can't! I ran out of medigun fluid!

RED Engineer: Make more!

Angel of Death: It's not that easy, Dell!

RED Engineer: It's mostly piss and blood, it is that easy

Chucklehead slayer: i think im gonna be sick

Angel of Death: Whose piss and blood do you think it is, Dell?

RED Engineer: Well, it's

RED Engineer: I don't know, actually

Angel of Death: Mine, Dummkopf!

Chucklehead slayer: ur blood & piss can heal people?

Angel of Death: I don't know how to answer that.

SPY: And you can't make more medigun fluid because

Angel of Death: Because I currently don't have enough blood in my body for it?

RED Engineer: Why????

Angel of Death: Because I have children who I birthed a few months ago??

Chucklehead slayer: how does that efect anything

Angel of Death: Is there anyone here in possession of an actual intellect?

SPY: Imagine, Scout, if there was a parasite in your body

SPY: You have this parasite for nine months, and it feeds on you

SPY: It eats what you eat, drinks what you drink, and you can never be satiated

SPY: Imagine getting rid of that parasite, but it is still feeding on you afterwards, for months and even years

Chucklehead slayer: im gonna have nitemares now thanks spy

Heavy: Did Spy just call babies parasites?

SPY: Absolutely not! It was just a comparison!

Heavy: I have my eyes on you

RED Engineer: Hey, Lu, when are you gonna be able to make more medigun fluid?

Angel of Death: Oh, a few hours. I'll eat something, drink plenty of water, and then do a few batches. Not as many as I usually would, but it should last us for at least a few battles. c:

RED Engineer: And then you'll heal yourself and the big guy, right?

Angel of Death: Fine.

RED Engineer: And then you'll be careful to stay on the mats next time?

Angel of Death: I will.

Angel of Death: Or I'll try at least.

RED Engineer: And Heavy

Heavy: Da?

RED Engineer: Maybe don't make doc look like he got hit by a train next time, ok?

RED Engineer: Especially in his current state

Heavy: Doktor?

Angel of Death: Fine, I will stop telling Heavy to stop pulling his punches, and then taunting him when he says he doesn't want to hurt me.

RED Engineer: And also make some medigun fluid BEFORE sparring next time

Angel of Death: Fiiiiiiiine.

Magic unicorn flames: How am I not surprised vati is fully at fault here

Angel of Death: ;w;

Chapter 70: Dysphoria and guilt (or transdad Med gets an intervention from his two transsons and transdaughter)

Summary:

Warning in this chapter for talk of dysphoria & worry about a romantic partner misgendering you. Also warning for postpartum depression, even if it's not really talked about by name

Notes:

I think this may be as long as the childbirth chapter, damn

Magic unicorn flames: Vati?

Oktoberfest!: Yes, Mädchen?

Magic unicorn flames: We need to talk with you

Oktoberfest!: Who is 'we' in this case?

Magic unicorn flames: Well, me, Jay, & also Jane wanted in on it

Oktoberfest!: Alright. I'm a bit confused but alright.

Oktoberfest!: Wait, are we in a private channel right now?

American patriot: Affirmative, doc!

Oktoberfest!: And you couldn't just talk to me in person?

Speedster: its easier to get u to be upfront about things in text

Oktoberfest!: That's not true!

American patriot: It is. You don't like admitting you need help when you are face to face with us, and that is not how a proper soldier acts! We are a team, and you can't keep hiding behind your experiments!

Magic unicorn flames: So, we're having an emotional intervention!

Oktoberfest!: Mein Gott, you three are serious.

Speedster: we totaly r doc

Oktoberfest!: Fine, tell me what this is about.

Magic unicorn flames: We think you might be depressed

Oktoberfest!: What? I'm feeling perfectly fine!

Speedster: cept u dont

Oktoberfest!: Even if that were true, what could have possibly caused this, hmm? I have an amazing job, all the funding I could want, access to multiple black market sellers, a family, and my birds. I couldn't be happier.

Magic unicorn flames: You're happy, yeah, but you also don't always show it

Oktoberfest!: I don't have to always act happy. That would be exhausting.

American patriot: Doc, crying because your gun jammed up isn't the same as not showing you're happy all the time

Oktoberfest!: That was one time, Soldier!

Speedster: twice actuly

Speedster: once with me once with solly

Magic unicorn flames: Taunting Misha to go harder on you when sparring also is a bit weird from you

Speedster: ye u usuly try to avoid that stuf during sparing

Oktoberfest!: I wanted to practice my hand to hand because I got rusty, so what?

American patriot: If you're rusty, then my shovel is fully rusted!

Oktoberfest!: Is that supposed to be a metaphor or something?

Magic unicorn flames: What Solly meant is that you.

Magic unicorn flames: Are.

Magic unicorn flames: Not.

Magic unicorn flames: Rusty.

Oktoberfest!: Why did you write it like that?

Speedster: cos u aint rusty!

Oktoberfest!: But I was out of commission for months! Anyone would get rusty from that.

Magic unicorn flames: Ludwig, you knocked me out!

Oktoberfest!: I said sorry for it!

Magic unicorn flames: I don't want sorries, I want you to realise that you're not rusty!

Speedster: wait when did he nock u out

Magic unicorn flames: When we were sparring 2 weeks ago

Magic unicorn flames: Cause I said I wanted to be better at defending myself from BLU Spy

Oktoberfest!: That wasn't really a fair fight. I'm a Battle Medic, you rely almost entirely on your flamethrower.

American patriot: Being able to knock someone out with a punch is awesome! And very American!

Magic unicorn flames: Exactly! Tell him Solly!

American patriot: You are in tip top shape, doc! You are just too depressed to see it!

Oktoberfest!: I am not depressed!

Speedster: fine ur not depressed

Oktoberfest!: Thank you, Scout.

Speedster: u just think ur a usless old man hoos of no use too the team & is trying to prove urself to us cos u stil feel gilty over what happened with the classics over what happened with the pregnancy & probably over a few other things as wel

Magic unicorn flames: Wow, Jay

American patriot: Damn, son

Oktoberfest!: Scout, when did you get smart?

Speedster: -_-

Speedster: look doc im smart in my own way ok

Speedster: even if i wasnt i notice things

Speedster: like i watch u guys sometimes 

Speedster: & i watch u when im drawing & stuff

Speedster: & when u watch someone a lot u see stuff

Speedster: & i can see how much u try to overcopnset (help wot is this word) so that u dont feel usless

Speedster: & also spy watchs u too & he sees even more than me

Speedster: & he tells me stuff

Speedster: stuff he dosnt even tell engy or u

Speedster: & we both agree u r trying too make up for what happened after the robot war

Oktoberfest!: I didn't want you all to hate me.

Magic unicorn flames: I mean, you kinda saved our lives it's hard to hate you after that

American patriot: And you put up a great fight against the Classic Heavy! Even if you did die during it

Speedster: also like we all like spy right

Speedster: & hes done plenty of backstabing shit in the past but we all more or less trust him

Speedster: & u brot snipes back to life & you fot with us afterwards & shit

Magic unicorn flames: Seriously, vati, none of us have any hard feelings against you

American patriot: Except for Sniper

Oktoberfest!: ;w;

Speedster: sollys lying snipes got over the holl death thing ages ago

American patriot: No, Sniper still thinks docs smile is creepy

Magic unicorn flames: Everyone thinks doc's smile is creepy, doc smiles creepy on purpose!

Oktoberfest!: Not always. Sometimes I just can't help it.

Oktoberfest!: And, alright, maybe I have been a bit worried about not pulling my weight these past few months.

American patriot: You've been pulling more weight than any of the men on this team, doc!

Oktoberfest!: I was talking metaphorically, Soldier.

American patriot: I know!

Oktoberfest!: Maybe I'm... A workaholic.

Magic unicorn flames: Oh my god

Speedster: OH MY GOD

Magic unicorn flames: He admitted it!

Speedster: he finly admitted it!

Oktoberfest!: -_- Why do I bother?

American patriot: You're a workaholic, and? 

Magic unicorn flames: Keep going, vati

Oktoberfest!: I am a workaholic who ties my worth to how well I can assist my team, but also to how much work I do in general. And because I feel, unfortunately, guilty over what happened with the Classics, I have been insisting on proving myself to the team.

Oktoberfest!: Is that enough?

American patriot: Come on, cupcake, there's still more

Oktoberfest!: Grrr.

Oktoberfest!: Fine, I also feel guilty over sitting on my ass during the pregnancy because the last time I was pregnant I was actively working on getting my degree in medicine and biology. And also because I couldn't be there during battles, and also because I was purposefully hiding things from the team, which ended in me not actually dying on the operating table, but still stressing everyone out about it.

Oktoberfest!: Am I done?

Speedster: dunno r u?

Oktoberfest!: No...

Oktoberfest!: I also feel like I have to prove my strength and manhood to Mikhail, because he was so caring and protective of me during this whole thing, and I still feel as if he babies me. I'm worried he no longer sees me as a man because of it.

Oktoberfest!: Is this interrogation over now?

Heavy: Da, is over

Oktoberfest!: I am going to lobotomise every single one of you here.

American patriot: We didn't know?

Magic unicorn flames: We did, Solly

Speedster: hev was the 1 noticing u acting weird the most

Heavy: Have been worried, doktor

Heavy: After yesterday I said to myself -no more-

Heavy: Knew you would not talk to me if I asked

Oktoberfest!: Of course not! Who tells their partner they're worried that said partner no longer sees them as an equal, or as their chosen sex?!

Oktoberfest!: I'm the bad guy here for even doubting you!

American patriot: You're the depressed guy here

Magic unicorn flames: Very depressed, Sollys right

Oktoberfest!: Gah!

Heavy: Teammates are right, doktor

Heavy: Team does not hate you, team forgave you for everything, do not have to worry

Oktoberfest!: I know, I know that! Of course I know that because I probably wouldn't be here, still a part of the team, if that wasn't true!

Speedster: then whats the problem

Oktoberfest!: I have no idea.

Heavy: I know

Oktoberfest!: Please, enlighten us.

Heavy: I am oldest of four, da?

Heavy: Seen this before

Heavy: Mama get depressed after birth, not feel well, have doubts and cry a lot

Oktoberfest!: You're saying I'm hormonal?

Heavy: Is not bad thing

Heavy: But was very stressful time for doktor, and doktor is only human

Oktoberfest!: I wish I wasn't.

Magic unicorn flames: We know

American patriot: You say it a lot, doc

Heavy: Doktor be nice to himself 

Oktoberfest!: I am nice to myself. I gave myself a bubble bath earlier today.

Heavy: Inside head too

Oktoberfest!: I suppose there is some truth to what you're saying. I have always been rather hard on myself, but I'm not helping anyone if I take unnecessary risks just because I want to feel more, I don't know how to put it.

Magic unicorn flames: Useful?

Oktoberfest!: Ja, useful.

Heavy: Doktor is very useful. Take care of team, take care of babies, take care of paperwork. Does many things around base, pulls weight always

Oktoberfest!: You make me sound like some sort of housemaid.

Heavy: Sorry

Oktoberfest!: Don't be, Misha. It's not your fault I'm feeling whatever I'm feeling.

Speedster: whats that word they started using for it

Speedster: disforia

Magic unicorn flames: Dysphoria?

Speedster: ye thanks py

Oktoberfest!: What's that?

Magic unicorn flames: That feeling we get, you know

American patriot: When your brain is insubordinate and tries to tell you you're something you're not! 

American patriot: Like when it's trying to tell you you're a woman!

Oktoberfest!: Oh, they have a word for it now?

Magic unicorn flames: Yeah, apparently

Oktoberfest!: Misha?

Heavy: Da?

Oktoberfest!: Do you see me as a woman?

Heavy: No

Oktoberfest!: You answered a little too fast for my liking.

Heavy: Is simple question, gets simple answer

Heavy: Is doktor a woman? No. So do I see doktor as woman? Also no

Heavy: Also, is nothing manlier than going through pain for family

Heavy: Childbirth is very manly

Speedster: ew but also aw

Magic unicorn flames: Heavy's a lil confused, but you have to give him points for saying it with his whole chest

Oktoberfest!: You are very sweet, Misha. 

Magic unicorn flames: You feeling better now, vati?

Oktoberfest!: I am. I think, from now on, I'll stop trying to prove myself quite so much.

Magic unicorn flames: Are you going to start telling us when you feel bad?

Oktoberfest!: Heavens, no! Who do you think I am?

Speedster: right

Speedster: was worth a try

Oktoberfest!: Now, I have an experiment to finish, and then it's time for Emil and Maria's tummy time. If there is one thing that certainly makes me feel secure in my manhood, it's using my hard earned knowledge of biology to graft bear ears onto the head of the BLU Heavy.

Speedster: im not gonna ask

Magic unicorn flames: I'm gonna

Magic unicorn flames: I want to have goat ears, like those really floppy ones

Speedster: weirdo

Magic unicorn flames: c;

Heavy: I come over, help doktor clean up

Heavy: And then we take care of babies

American patriot: You know what makes me feel manly?

Magic unicorn flames: Screaming way too loud at random people cause you forgot your hearing aids?

American patriot: Rocket jumping! There is nothing more manly then putting yourself through constant pain while fighting for your country!

Oktoberfest!: I worry for you, Soldat.

Speedster: u tuched an electric fens for fun

Oktoberfest!: You touched it with me.

Speedster: thats beside the point

Chapter 71: Lobotomy Co.

Medic of the Mannth: I want to kidnap someone.

RED Engineer: Alrighty

RED Engineer: No more daytime TV for you, doc

Medic of the Mannth: You don't understand, Engineer!

FREEEEDOM: Oh lord give us the strength tae deal with this

Medic of the Mannth: I want to perform a lobotomy on someone.

SPY: Docteur

Medic of the Mannth: Hear me out!

Medic of the Mannth: I want to see how far the medigun is able to reverse brain damage, and if it is able to reverse something like a lobotomy, or the effects of a stroke, or anything of the sort.

RED Engineer: Alright

RED Engineer: And where does kidnapping come into this?

Medic of the Mannth: Well, I can't just lobotomise anyone here!

Medic of the Mannth: I wouldn't see a difference in someone like Scout or Soldier. Spy and Sniper are very hard to catch. I don't think you would let me lobotomise Pyro, Engineer, in the rare case I wouldn't be able to undo it. If I lobotomised you or Demo, who would I talk about science with! And if I lobotomised Heavy I would have no one to play chess with. :c

RED Engineer: You're right, I absolutely wouldn't let you cut out Pyro's brain

FREEEEDOM: Dinnae you already cut my brain out?

Medic of the Mannth: Only small parts of it relating to memory. This will be a proper destruction of the self, so to speak.

RED Engineer: And then if you find out your medigun can undo it, what will you do with that knowledge?

Medic of the Mannth: Well, that opens up a whole new avenue of research! Imagine if I could cut your brains open without the consequences of leaving you braindead? I could find out which parts of the brain relate to intelligence, or see if I could rewire the brain to, say, make Scout for example speak Cantonese! There is so much I could do!

FREEEEDOM: Do you need help?

Medic of the Mannth: With?

FREEEEDOM: Kidnapping someone?

RED Engineer: Demo!

FREEEEDOM: What? You cannae say youre not curious too lad

RED Engineer: I am but Miss P will get angry at us for it

Medic of the Mannth: If you help me kidnap a test subject, I will let you build that cradle for the twins.

RED Engineer: The one you said was too dangerous and foolish?

Medic of the Mannth: I didn't say I was going to use it.

Medic of the Mannth: Who needs grenade launchers on a cradle, and robotic arms for retucking blankets?

RED Engineer: The twins?

Medic of the Mannth: No.

Medic of the Mannth: No they don't.

RED Engineer: Aw

RED Engineer: Fine, I'll help you out, doc

Medic of the Mannth: Danke, Engineer. And danke, Demo.

FREEEEDOM: You got it doc!

SPY: I'm telling Heavy

Chapter 72: Stupid questions get stupid answers

Think fast!: doc?

Dr Formaldehyde: Yes, Scout? Can I help you with something?

Think fast!: i was just ciurius

Dr Formaldehyde: About?

Think fast!: so r u the mom or the dad of the twins?

Dr Formaldehyde: I'm the dad. What sort of question is that?

Think fast!: but u gave birth to them

Dr Formaldehyde: So? I'm a male, or masculine, parental figure, therefore a dad.

Think fast!: so is hev the mom

Dr Formaldehyde: No?? Heavy is also a dad.

Think fast!: then hoos the mom?

Dr Formaldehyde: You.

Think fast!: D:>

Think fast!: ;o;

Think fast!: doc!

Dr Formaldehyde: Stupid questions get stupid answers.

Think fast!: ;w;

Dr Formaldehyde: Seriously, now, Scout. The twins do not have a mother. They have two fathers, and an extended family, which includes female family members. 

Think fast!: k i get that

Dr Formaldehyde: Are you sure?

Think fast!: ye ye!

Think fast!: speeking of female family members

Think fast!: do the twins wanna go out with anty bug & uncle jay tho?

Dr Formaldehyde: Just on a walk around the base, Junge. No town today.

Think fast!: u got it doc!

Chapter 73: Practical Espionage

Summary:

I need to include Soldier & Demo in these more often, but I just can't see them texting as much as the others. If anyone has any ideas, lemme know.
Also, lemme know if you peeps want to see more of BLU team chatting

RED Engineer: You coming over again today, sugar?

Mr Hyde and Seek: Who are you talking to, Engineer?

RED Engineer: Wha

RED Engineer: Is this ain't a private channel?

Kablooey: Nope

RED Engineer: Darn it

RED Engineer: Um, it's not what it looks like

Raccoon dad: What are we talking about?

Kablooey: Engies asking someone out 

Kablooey: Called them sugar too

RED Engineer: That wasn't meant for this chat!

Mr Hyde and Seek: Is it someone from outside of the team, then?

RED Engineer: Doc, don't start

Mr Hyde and Seek: c;

RED Engineer: Look, let's just forget this happened, alrighty?

Kablooey: Nah

Kablooey: Spill

RED Engineer: It's nothing, I swear!

Raccoon dad: Who is it! Who is it! Who is it!

RED Engineer: I can't say!

SPY: What is going on

RED Engineer: Spah, help me!

SPY: With

RED Engineer: These three are bullying me ;w;

Mr Hyde and Seek: Oohoo, now you know what it feels like to be teased about your relationships!

RED Engineer: Doc, pls ;w;

SPY: A relationship

Kablooey: Engie called someone sugar

RED Engineer: I got my chats confused!

SPY: Did he now

RED Engineer: Spah, please

SPY: And what exactly where you saying

Raccoon dad: He was asking this sugar person if they would like to come over again!

SPY: Again

RED Engineer: Yeah

SPY: Again?

Mr Hyde and Seek: Oh no, Spy pulled out the question marks.

RED Engineer: Spah, don't do this to me

SPY: What do you mean, again

RED Engineer: After last night?

SPY: Last night??

SPY: What were you doing last night!

RED Engineer: I thought we

RED Engineer: You know!

RED Engineer: You were there!

SPY: Last night I was playing cards with Heavy and Sniper!

SPY: I was wondering why you hadn't come to our game

RED Engineer: Oh no

RED Engineer: Then who did I stick my penis into??

SPY: Lionel

Mr Hyde and Seek: I feel so sorry for you, Dell.

RED Engineer: I'm sobbing, doc

RED Engineer: I'm genuinely crying right now

SPY: I'm on my way, mon chou

Raccoon dad: If it helps, Engie, I made out with that snake once

RED Engineer: You did??

Raccoon dad: That backstabbing Frenchie was wearing Tavish's face!

Mr Hyde and Seek: Lionel is not French, he is Canadian.

Kablooey: He did what??

Kablooey: Im only finding out about this now??

Raccoon dad: Oops?

Heavy: Team is sharing stories of BLU Spy?

Mr Hyde and Seek: Misha?

RED Engineer: That sneaky sunova bitch crawled into my bed last night!

Heavy: Da, I feel Engineer's pain

Mr Hyde and Seek: Misha??

Heavy: I make sex with BLU Spy on accident as well

Heavy: Before I know doktor has parts like woman

Mr Hyde and Seek: Mikhail, when were you going to tell me about this????

Heavy: I like doktor's bits more than BLU Spy's bits!

Mr Hyde and Seek: Still!!

Kablooey: What a bloody slut!

Kablooey: Making out with me man!

Kablooey: And with Heavy and Engie too!

Mr Hyde and Seek: And you all wonder why I hate him so much.

Raccoon dad: You hate him cause he took you hostage once

Mr Hyde and Seek: It was a scary situation, ok? ;w;

Heavy: So, what is plan?

Raccoon dad: We gang up on the frog next battle, that's the plan!

Mr Hyde and Seek: Soldier!

Raccoon dad: What?

Mr Hyde and Seek: We are not going to do that to him!

Raccoon dad: Why?

Raccoon dad: You never say no to some torture

Mr Hyde and Seek: OH!

Mr Hyde and Seek: My mind... went places.

RED Engineer: Doc?

Kablooey: Lutz?

Mr Hyde and Seek: Don't.

Mr Hyde and Seek: Don't ask.

Heavy: O-O

Mr Hyde and Seek: I am going to say yes to some torture, however.

Kablooey: We doing it as a five or is Spy joining us?

SPY: I am going to have a long, long talk with Lionel when we 'gang up on him' tomorrow

Raccoon dad: Wait wait

Kablooey: Yes Jane?

Raccoon dad: So does that mean Engie and Spy are together?

Heavy: Little Soldier didn't know?

RED Engineer: You knew??

Heavy: Da, Spy tell me

Heavy: Ask me for tips for asking you out

Mr Hyde and Seek: To be honest, I knew myself.

RED Engineer: What??

Mr Hyde and Seek: Engineer, mein liebster Freund, you are not subtle.

RED Engineer: D:

RED Engineer: Wait

RED Engineer: When did Lionel take you hostage????

Mr Hyde and Seek: Long story.

Heavy: Very long

Chapter 74: I can excuse war crimes but I draw the line at stalking

World's most famous Medic: Help!

RED Engineer: Doc?

American patriot: Medic?

Heavy: What happen?

World's most famous Medic: Which one of you gave away the address of the base!

World's most famous Medic: This is urgent!

Magic unicorn flames: None of us, pinky promise

RED Engineer: Wait, did someone find us?

SPY: Mon dieu, now we've done it

SPY: Miss Pauling will be furious with us

Runner runner pants on fire: wait wait what!

Runner runner pants on fire: how do we even kno someone found us??

World's most famous Medic: Because I received a letter.

hOOT HOOT: Maybe it's some long lost family?

World's most famous Medic: Herr Sniper, let me remind you that my family has been cursed to birth a single child per generation, for hundreds of years!

World's most famous Medic: I have no cousins, I have no nieces or nephews, at most I may have an aunt or uncle in law who is probably thoroughly angry with me at the fact their daughter or sister died.

World's most famous Medic: But I will also remind you I am 50, I haven't stepped foot in Germany in 30 years, and the last time I was anywhere near my family I had huge hips and hair that reached my mid back.

Runner runner pants on fire: cant even imagine doc as a chick to be honest

World's most famous Medic: >:c

Kaboom: Ok ok back up

Kaboom: Whats this letter?

World's most famous Medic: It's, how shall I put it?

American patriot: Just spit it out already!

World's most famous Medic: It's fan mail.

hOOT HOOT: What

RED Engineer: Wha

Kaboom: Whot

Magic unicorn flames: Fan mail??

World's most famous Medic: Apparently someone heard of my achievements as a scientist and tracked me down??

Heavy: Is understandable doktor has fans

Heavy: But fans have found our base??

World's most famous Medic: Only the one, apparently.

Runner runner pants on fire: so far

hOOT HOOT: Dont start, roo, or youll jinx it

Runner runner pants on fire: right right

RED Engineer: Are you planning to answer it, doc?

SPY: Engineer!

RED Engineer: What?

RED Engineer: It's an honest question, Spah

World's most famous Medic: I don't know. Maybe? It's nice to know that someone on this Earth respects me.

Magic unicorn flames: Wow

World's most famous Medic: But also I would hate to encourage this behaviour, as who knows what people mind end up sending me!

Heavy: Is bad moment to say Heavy got letter too?

World's most famous Medic: Yes! Yes it is!

Heavy: Oops?

Kaboom: What now?

RED Engineer: How about we go to the war room?

American patriot: We will plan out a tactical attack on these 'fans'

RED Engineer: Solly, no!

RED Engineer: We'll just talk about whether anyone's gonna answer the letters or not

World's most famous Medic: Alright, everyone in the war room in ten minutes. Pronto!

World's most famous Medic: Misha, could you grab the Kinder? I'm not sure how long this is going to last.

Heavy: Da, will do that, doktor

RED Engineer: Alrighty then, see y'all at the war room

American patriot: Afirmative!

Kaboom: Aye

Runner runner pants on fire: see ya

hOOT HOOT: Be there in a sec

Magic unicorn flames: I'm grabbing Balloonicorn for this

SPY: This can only end badly, mon ami

World's most famous Medic: I know, Spy. I know.

Notes:

Hi, peeps! This chapter is less of a serious thing, & more of an announcement/gauging interest.
Basically, would anyone be interested in me making an ask blog on tumblr for the Nabokov-Humboldt family + friends? I wanted to make a TF2 ask blog for a while now, & I thought I might make it HeavyMedic focused cause I saw this really fun ScoutSniper ask blog pop up lately as well. But also, I already have a bit of lore going with this, so would anyone be interested in a Texting Troubles themed ask blog? If at least 10 people say yes, I'll make it.
Based on what you folks say, I may also let the BLU mercs answer questions, & not just the REDs.
Also, yes, I know this is coming super late after most people have probably stopped reading, cause the main plot has been over for almost 20 chapters, but still. I just wanna make an ask blog, I love making ask blogs ;w; (I've run, like, at least three ask blogs in the past, each for different fandoms. I'm well practiced.)

Chapter 75: Not even Medic can fix this

Summary:

With exactly 10 votes, the ask blog is gonna be made! I'll let y'all folks know when that happens, probably sometime next week, & I'll link the blog here when that happens.
Also, since I am an indecisive bastard, I'm gonna let YOU folks choose the name of this silly ask blog.
The choices are:
TextingTroublesAnswers
AsktheNabokov-Humboldtfamily
LutzandMishaAnswer/AskLutzandMisha
OR suggest your own name.
Vote now, or else /j

Speeding bullets: e

Speeding bullets: e

Speeding bullets: e

Speeding bullets: e

Speeding bullets: e

Speeding bullets: e

Speeding bullets: e

Dove Overlord: What.

Dove Overlord: Do.

Dove Overlord: You.

Dove Overlord: WANT?

Dove Overlord: Didn't I tell you not to call E when we're off the battlefield?

Speeding bullets: help

Dove Overlord: I'm busy, Scout!

Speeding bullets: & i need ur help doc ;o;

Dove Overlord: With??

Speeding bullets: tummy hurts

Dove Overlord: Scout!

Speeding bullets: craaaaaaamps

Speeding bullets: aaaaaaaaah

Speeding bullets: it huuuuuuuuurts

Speeding bullets: cmon doc u kno what its like

Speeding bullets: save me

Dove Overlord: Unlike you, I don't have the luxury of calling 'Medic, Medic!' every time my stomach hurts.

Dove Overlord: I also don't have the luxury of having nothing to do while my stomach hurts, I am currently very busy!

Speeding bullets: cmon doc

Speeding bullets: u hav the medigun & heavy!

Dove Overlord: The medigun does not fix period cramps.

Speeding bullets: it dosnt??

Dove Overlord: No.

Dove Overlord: It doesn't.

Speeding bullets: oh

Dove Overlord: Ja.

Speeding bullets: i feel sorry for u

Dove Overlord: Ja. Me too.

Speeding bullets: e?

Dove Overlord: Nein!

Speeding bullets: :(

Chapter 76: Prince Charming Syndrome

Bonesaw supreme: Dell, we have a problem.

RED Engineer: Oh no

RED Engineer: Alright, what is it?

RED Engineer: Also, you look real nice with a beard, doc

Bonesaw supreme: You see, my hard-hatted friend, the beard is the problem!

RED Engineer: Aw, do the tots not like it?

Bonesaw supreme: Nein.

Bonesaw supreme: It's Pyro who doesn't like it.

RED Engineer: Wha

RED Engineer: I know she's got some nasty memories from her childhood and stuff

RED Engineer: But that bad?

Bonesaw supreme: It's not that she doesn't like it.

Bonesaw supreme: It's that she no longer recognises me.

RED Engineer: What

Magic unicorn flames: VATI I'M SO SORRY I SWEAR I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS YOU

Magic unicorn flames: YOU LOOK LIKE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MAN ;O;

RED Engineer: Py, what did you do?

Bonesaw supreme: They swung a fire axe at me.

Bonesaw supreme: I am currently trying to reattach my own arm.

Bonesaw supreme: As I'm sure you know, Dell, I've done this many times before. But it is decidedly harder to sew an arm to the shoulder with only one functioning hand!

RED Engineer: Pyro

Magic unicorn flames: I'm so sorry ;w;

Magic unicorn flames: I thought it was a lollipop ;o;

Magic unicorn flames: And I thought Ludwig was a random man who got onto the base ;w;

RED Engineer: How??

Bonesaw supreme: It's a case of prosopagnosia, a term referring to 'face blindness', or the inability of someone to recognise faces.

RED Engineer: Thank the lord we're colour coded then

Magic unicorn flames: ;O;

Magic unicorn flames: Don't be mean to me, Dell

RED Engineer: I'm sorry, firebug, but that does explain a few things

Bonesaw supreme: And I was so excited to grow my beard out again.

Magic unicorn flames: You can keep it!

Bonesaw supreme: I would rather not. In case someone else decides I do not look Medicy enough to be trusted.

Magic unicorn flames: ;w;

Magic unicorn flames: It was really nice, tho

Bonesaw supreme: Danke, Feuerkäfer.

Bonkachu: hey i remember that word

Bonkachu: chapter 42 right?

RED Engineer: Scout!

Bonkachu: what!

RED Engineer: What did I tell you about breaking the fourth wall, boy?

Bonkachu: only do it when its funy

RED Engineer: Scout!

Chapter 77: Texting Troubles has an Ask Blog!

Summary:

The voting has come to an end! With, I think it was 7 votes, the new textingtroublesanswers blog is now live! Do have a look at the intro post before asking, but ask away as much as you want!
https://www.tumblr.com/textingtroublesanswers/750657441807597568/somethings-wrong-with-medics-comm-again?source=share

Heavy: We have problem

Can'a Awesome!: no hellos

Can'a Awesome!: no how r us

Can'a Awesome!: just strayt to the point with u huh

Heavy: Is not time to be stupid, Scout

Can'a Awesome!: hey

Can'a Awesome!: im just saying

Can'a Awesome!: it wouldnt kill u to be polit 1s in a wile

Can'a Awesome!: polite*

Koala King: You took the time to correct a typo of polite but couldnt even be bothered to write *once* out properly?

Can'a Awesome!: ye

Koala King: -_-

Magical unicorn flames: Misha, what's wrong?

Heavy: Got more letter

Magical unicorn flames: The fan mail?

Heavy: Da

Heavy: Is from new person

Scrumpy: Dont tell Lutz he might get jealous

Heavy: Shush

Heavy: What do I do?

SPY: At this point, you may as well answer it

Heavy: Da?

SPY: Seeing as they don't seem to be stopping, and they are all from different people

SPY: Oui

Heavy: Alright

Heavy: If I end up dead in ditch, I blame Scout

Can'a Awesome!: hey!

Scrumpy: We will tell Lutz you love him when that happens

Heavy: Thank you

Can'a Awesome!: what like in the movies

Scrumpy: Exactly like in the movies laddie

Chapter 78: Artistic retribution

Pissed off Scout: hoo did it

Pissed off Scout: i AM angry so u better spill

Dr MeeM: Did what, Scout?

Bubbles of DOOM: You alright, Scooty?

Pissed off Scout: hoo took my sketchbook

Bubbles of DOOM: O-O

Pissed off Scout: im siries

Pissed off Scout: hoo put their gruby hands on my sketches!

Dr MeeM: I can assure you, it wasn't me. I don't go around sneaking into people's rooms (like some), and taking their things.

Bubbles of DOOM: I was helping Engie, soy inocente!

Pissed off Scout: thats 3 peeple 

Heavy: What is wrong?

Pissed off Scout: did u take my sketchbook, heavy

Heavy: Sketchbook? 

Heavy: Does it look like regular book?

Heavy: I will check

Pissed off Scout: does it have like a cover & stuff u meen?

Pissed off Scout: no its kinda flimsy & diffrent dimentions to a regular book

Heavy: Da, is different

Heavy: Did not take it by accident, or on purpose

Pissed off Scout: i have my eyes on u

Heavy: O-O;

Pissed off Scout: demo solly sniper spy!

Pissed off Scout: if u dont reply ill find u & ill make u regret the day you were born!

Hoot Hootalot: Roo, you know Id never

Pissed off Scout: u say that but ive seen u eying my sketches!

Hoot Hootalot: Yeah! Cause I really like them and I think they're great!

Hoot Hootalot: But why the bloody hell would I steal one??

Pissed off Scout: i dunno

Hoot Hootalot: Exactly!!

Pissed off Scout: fine ur off the hook

Hoot Hootalot: Great, thanks

Pissed off Scout: but the rest of u!

Pissed off Scout: were are demo & solly!

Dr MeeM: They went with Zhanna and the Kinder to town.

Hoot Hootalot: You

Hoot Hootalot: You let Zhanna and Soldier take the kids out?

Dr MeeM: Heavy assured me they would be safe.

Dr MeeM: Also, I threatened Demoman that I would replace his brain with a second liver if he had even a drop of alcohol, and failed to protect my Kinder.

Bubbles of DOOM: Sounds about right

Pissed off Scout: so the only posible calprit is...

Pissed off Scout: SPY!

SPY: For once I'm innocent

Pissed off Scout: ye like ill belive that!

SPY: You better

Pissed off Scout: gimme back my sketchbook!

SPY: I don't have it!

SPY: Why would I even want to steal your sketchbooks!

Pissed off Scout: to hold it hostij?

Pissed off Scout: like when doc took snipeses trumpet hostij

SPY: Hostage

Pissed off Scout: shut up frenchie!

SPY: I'm sorry to disappoint you, Scout

SPY: But you are half French yourself

Pissed off Scout: D:

Worst day of my freakin life: im what!!

SPY: How do you think genetics work

Worst day of my freakin life: i

Worst day of my freakin life: but

Dr MeeM: Oh, Hase!

Dr MeeM: I found your sketchbook!

Worst day of my freakin life: WHAT

Dr MeeM: Apparently one of Soldier's raccoons got its hands on it!

Dr MeeM: Don't worry, it seems intact although a few of the metal rings seem to have been chewed on. I will bring it to you in a moment.

Worst day of my freakin life: IM FRENCH??

Dr MeeM: Do you not want your sketchbook back?

Worst day of my freakin life: no gimme it i need it

Worst day of my freakin life: but also

Worst day of my freakin life: IM FRENCH??

Worst day of my freakin life: wait

Worst day of my freakin life: does that mean james is also french

SPY: That is how genetics work, oui

Worst day of my freakin life: oh im gonna bully him so bad tomorrow

Hoot Hootalot: All this over a sketchbook

Worst day of my freakin life: what if it was ur rifle instead

Hoot Hootalot: O-O

Hoot Hootalot: Im shutting up now

Chapter 79: Terrible, horrible child (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree)

Scoot on a qwest: engy

RED Engineer: What's up, Scoot?

RED Engineer: Why a private channel?

Scoot on a qwest: weres spy rn?

RED Engineer: Rn?

Scoot on a qwest: right now

RED Engineer: Oh!

RED Engineer: She's in the infirmary talking to doc

Why?

Scoot on a qwest: ok good so shell be busy for a bit

RED Engineer: Scoot, what are you doing?

Scoot on a qwest: revenge

RED Engineer: Jeremy, come on now

RED Engineer: Revenge for what?

Scoot on a qwest: engy tell me honestly do u think sollys racoons just got their hands on my sketchbook accidently?

RED Engineer: Well

RED Engineer: How do you know it was Spy?

Scoot on a qwest: shes my dad i kno what shes like

Scoot on a qwest: & im tellin u she gave my sketchbook to the racoons

RED Engineer: But why?

Scoot on a qwest: as revenge duh

RED Engineer: Revenge for what??

Scoot on a qwest: for me sowing the holes in her mask closed

RED Engineer: Doc never should have taught you to mend your own shirts

Scoot on a qwest: nah its the best ideea docs had in a wile

Scoot on a qwest: anyway now i need too do revenge for the revenge spy pulled on me

RED Engineer: I had nothing to do with this if she asks

Scoot on a qwest: u had everything too do with it & ull be too blame

RED Engineer: Scout!

Scoot on a qwest: im joking im kidding

RED Engineer: >:C

Chapter 80: Balls, horns, what's the difference?

The Bird God of the Badlands: Alright, let's just grab the bull by the balls and do this already!

Hoot Hootsalot: I

Bubbles of DOOM: Wh

RED Engineer: HORNS

RED Engineer: It's grab the bull by the HORNS, DOC!

Heavy: Hmm, I thought I was bear not bull

Scoot on a qwest: HORNY JAIL!

Kaboom: WHY are we talking about bull balls

The Bird God of the Badlands: I...

The Bird God of the Badlands: It's not balls?

Scoot on a qwest: ITS NEVER BEEN BALLS

The Bird God of the Badlands: I have just been humiliated by a THIRTY YEAR OLD PRANK!

The Bird God of the Badlands: AAAAH??

Kaboom: I

Kaboom: Am

Kaboom: So

Kaboom: Confused

The Bird God of the Badlands: Sob.

Kaboom: Can someone PLEASE EXPLAIN

Bubbles of DOOM: Doc was siking himself up to go into town to the pharmacy because we ran out of Tylenol & the supply train won't be coming for another week

Kaboom: Thats

Kaboom: Huh?

The Bird God if the Badlands: I don't get along with the manager there, alright?

The Bird God of the Badlands: Also, it's psych, not sike.

Hoot Hootsalot: Why do you not get along with the manager of the pharmacy in town?

The Bird God of the Badlands: She may or may not have caught me stealing.

Kaboom: Stealing what?

The Bird God of the Badlands: Viagra.

RED Engineer: Doc??

Hoot Hootsalot: You dont even have a dick??

Scoot on a qwest: heavy??

Heavy: Was not for me!

The Bird God of the Badlands: I needed a very specific chemical for my research and reverse engineering some viagra was the cheapest and easiest way to do it.

RED Engineer: So you stole it??

The Bird God of the Badlands: What, like it's hard?

RED Engineer: No!

RED Engineer: Like it's illegal!

The Bird God of the Badlands: So?

Hoot Hootsalot: I now understand why someone told you it was the bulls balls and not horns

The Bird God of the Badlands: Rude.

Scoot on a qwest: now I wanna kno what other saying doc uses rong

The Bird God of the Badlands: >:C

The Bird God of the Badlands: American soldiers can be so mean.

American patriot: What was that, cupcake?

The Bird God of the Badlands: I'm not on the base! Don't come looking for me! I'm not here and I never was!

Chapter 81: Antifreezing my ass off from how cold Med got here

I am having a bad day, fear me: Heavy, please bring Scout to the infirmary for me.

Heavy: Da

Heavy: Wait

Heavy: Why?

I'm having a bad day, fear me: Don't make me say it, I'm embarrassed for him.

SPY: THAT LITTLE SHIT DRANK ANTIFREEZE

Heavy: Wow

Heavy: Spy swears?

I'm having a bad day, fear me: Yes. In this case he does.

Heavy: Why did little Scout drink antifreeze?

Dr Tired: He mistook it for one of his radioactive drinks.

Dr Tired: Again.

Dr Tired: Please bring him here, I need to pump his stomach before he decides he likes how it tastes.

SPY: THIS THING CAME OUT OF ME!

SPY: I WAS PART OF HIS CREATION!

Dr Tired: Spy, can you do something for me?

Dr Tired: Keep your son very, VERY far away from the twins when they get old enough to start opening cupboards.

SPY: Oh no

SPY: No no no no no

SPY: You are NOT putting this on me, docteur

SPY: Teach your own little monsters how to behave

The Medic: Jacques, I have been in charge of the health of every man and woman on this base since '68. I have had multiple mental breakdowns over the years, after multiple people have done something to themselves at the same time, forcing me to fix them on a tight schedule. 

The Medic: If you can alleviate my pain even a LITTLE bit, you are going to do that.

The Medic: This is non-negotiable, Herr Spy. 

The Medic: Parent your goddamned child.

SPY: Are you alright, Ludwig

The Medic: I have not had a break in 7 years, what do you think?

SPY: Not even with the Classics

The Medic: HAHAHA!

Don't make me laugh: A break?

Don't make me laugh: With the Classics??

Don't make me laugh: Spy, do you think I put three mega baboon uteruses in their Soldier for fun?

SPY: I mean

The Medic: No, I did it as revenge.

The Medic: No one, and I mean no one, disrespects me and gets away with it. 

Heavy: Sometimes Heavy forget doktor is not all smiles and giggles

The Medic: Heavy, get Scout to my lab, right now.

Heavy: Yes, sir!

SPY: I am going to have to talk to the boy, won't I

The Medic: Yes. You will.

SPY: Merde

Chapter 82: Sky rats & sewer pidgeons

FREEEEDOM: Why did a bunch of birds just fly out of the cupboard?

Raccoon dad: IT'S AN ERIAL ASSAULT! I KNEW THE BRITISH WOULD HAVE THEIR REVENGE EVENTUALLY!

My Kritzkrieg brings all the: Do you recognise them, Demo?

My Kritzkrieg brings all the: Damn you, Engineer! He finally went and gave me a character limit!

Dove Overlord: Thirty character limit, how stupid. >:c

FREEEEDOM: Im not touching that

FREEEEDOM: Anyway i think one of them is Sappho

Dove Overlord: Ah! I've been wondering where she went. What about the others?

FREEEEDOM: I wish i could tell you doc but i only know like six of them

Dove Overlord: The wedding van crew, I know. They're the only ones who recognise their names.

SPY: Why are their birds in the kitchen

Dove Overlord: They escaped.

SPY: I figured

SPY: But why the kitchen

SPY: And why a cupboard

Dove Overlord: I wish I knew, Spy.

FREEEEDOM: Theres a hole

Dove Overlord: A hole?

FREEEEDOM: Aye a hole

Dove Overlord: Where?

FREEEEDOM: In the cupboard

SPY: Why

FREEEEDOM: I dunno

FREEEEDOM: Looks like something chewed through it though

SPY: Soldier

Raccoon dad: MY RACCOONS ARE NOT TO BLAME!

Dove Overlord: Oh no, do we have rats again?

Dove Overlord: Sawmill always has rats.

SPY: How

SPY: How did the birds get through a hole made by a rat

Dove Overlord: Well, doves are about the same size as a wild rat, maybe a bit bigger but only because of the feathers.

RED Engineer: Boys, we have a problem

Dove Overlord: What sort of problem, Engineer?

RED Engineer: Rats

Dove Overlord: Oh, we knew about that already.

RED Engineer: Dang it

Raccoon dad: A TACTICAL ASSULT BY THE FRENCH! THEY ARE CONSPIRING WITH THE BRITISH!

FREEEEDOM: Oh Solly

Dove Overlord: Also, I want my unlimited names back. >:c

RED Engineer: Nope

Dove Overlord: >:C

Chapter 83: Instructions unclear, I boiled my eyeballs

The Bat Man: Doc!

Triagent: Ja? What do you need, Scout?

The Bat Man: Its Demo Scout cant text right now!

Triagent: Mein Gott.

Triagent: What happened this time?

The Bat Man: The lad and i were outside just messing around when the wind kicked up and Scout got a bunch of sand in his eyes!

The Bat Man: What do i do?

Triagent: Get him back to base and simply wash out his eyes using some boiled water. If the sand has caused any irritation after it has been washed out, take him to me and I will give him some eye drops.

The Bat Man: Got it doc!

The Bat Man: Youre a lightsaver

The Bat Man: Lifesaver*

Triagent: Ja. Of course.

Triagent: Wait.

Triagent: DEMO!

The Bat Man: Aye?

Triagent: BOILED water. Not BOILING water, do you understand?

Triagent: Let the water cool down before you pour it in his eyes!

The Bat Man: I feel like i should be offended right now

Triagent: You are helping Scout, I do not trust his impatience to not affect you in some way.

The Bat Man: Boiled water that has cooled down

The Bat Man: And not scalding hot water

The Bat Man: I got it

Triagent: Good.

The Bat Man: Scout did that before didnt he?

Triagent: Unfortunately.

Chapter 84: Fishing for proposals #1

Summary:

For everyone here who recognises this plot line from the ask blog, no you don't.
I'm joking. I decided that the blog & this fic are gonna be on two separate timelines, since I don't want to include all the lovely original characters that have been interacting with the mercs on the blog, as those characters aren't mine & I don't feel like I should write for them, especially without the anon's permission.
So, the blog & the fic will share plotlines for the most part, but they will function on two different timelines where there are no anons in the fic, & it's still just the mercs.

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Bug hELP

Pony troubles: Beets? What's up?

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: I'm on a mission

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Tell me how your heavy and medic got engaged?

Pony troubles: Uhhhh

Pony troubles: Shit I dunno actually

Pony troubles: Lemme ask them

 

Pony troubles: VATI

Pony troubles: MISHA

Pony troubles: HOW DID YOU GET ENGAGED

Dr Handsome: Oh, that is actually a fascinating story! 

Heavy: Da, very fascinating

Dr Handsome: Let me tell it, Misha! Please!

Heavy: Alright, doktor can tell it

Heavy: I am busy with babys anyway

Dr Handsome: Babies. 

Dr Handsome: It's one of those words.

Heavy: Heavy hates English >:c

Dr Handsome: Anyway! The proposal!

Dr Handsome: It happened like this: Heavy came to the infirmary one day, complaining of a stomach ache. When I didn't find anything outwardly wrong with him, he suggested that I cut him up. You know how much I love spontaneous surgery, I couldn't pass this up! So, I prepared all my tools, I peeled back all the layers of skin, and muscle, and flesh, and oh, it was like heaven, being able to rummage around in Heavy's guts again! Look what six months of being apart does to a doctor. ;o;

Pony troubles: Morbid, but go on

Dr Handsome: Yes, well, I was looking around in his stomach, when suddenly I noticed something in his intestine, so I moved over there and took it out. And wouldn't you know it, I pulled out a ring!

Heavy: Doktor was so happy he cried

Pony troubles: Oh that's so romantic!

Dr Handsome: It gets even better! 

Dr Handsome: The ring was engraved with the phrase 'to the man who holds my heart in his hands'.

Pony troubles: That's so cuuuuuute!

Heavy: Took me full day to get grammar right

Heavy: It had to be perfect

Dr Handsome: I still have the ring, I just don't wear it with my wedding band since the doves tried pecking the gemstone in it, out.

Pony troubles: Oh wow

 

Pony troubles: Beets

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Yeah?

Pony troubles: Heavy swallowed a ring & had Medic cut him open & find it

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Aha

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Ok

Chapter 85: Fishing for proposals #2

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Bug, aren't your Demo & Soldier married too?

Pony troubles: They're three way married with Heavy's sister

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: How did that happen?

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac:The engagement I mean

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Honestly if I had two people willing to date my arse I'd be over the moon!

Pony troubles: Hehe

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Oh right

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: You, your Scout, & your Sniper

Pony troubles: Hehehe

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Just tell me how they got engaged already

 

Pony troubles: Tav

Pony troubles: Tav

Pony troubles: Tav

Pony troubles: Tav

Kablooey: Aye?

Kablooey: What is it lassie?

Pony troubles: How did you & Solly get engaged?

Kablooey: Oh that?

Kablooey: I made the lad a firework show

Pony troubles: What

Kablooey: Yeah

Kablooey: I set up a bunch of fireworks to spell out will you marry me

Kablooey: But i fucked it up somehow

Pony troubles: Oh no

Kablooey: And instead of will you marry me

Kablooey: The thing read

Kablooey: Mill yon warry we

Pony troubles: What the hell is a warry

Kablooey: I have no clue

Kablooey: But i told solly that this was a challenge and that he had to stand on his head to read the message properly

Kablooey: You know

Kablooey: To keep his arm strength up or something

Pony troubles: But then the Ys As & Es & Ls & Is would be upside down

Kablooey: Yeah well i didnt think that far through cause i was panicking

Kablooey: But he got it in the end! And now were married!

Pony troubles: Nice

Pony troubles: Thanks Demo!

Kablooey: Any time Py!

 

Pony troubles: Beets

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Yup?

Pony troubles: Do you have fireworks on hand?

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Yup

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: & Mac probably has some too

Pony troubles: There you go!

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: What?

Pony troubles: Demo asked Soldier to marry him by writing out a message using fireworks!

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Oh!

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Nice

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: I'll see what I can do

Pony troubles: Who is it by the way

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Who's getting engaged?

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Well Fritz wants to ask James to marry him

Pony troubles: SERIOUSLY!?

Pony troubles: :O

Chapter 86: The heart of a Medic (literally)

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Hey, crybaby

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Don't call me that!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: What did you find out?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Wait

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Are you sure this is a private channel?

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Calm your tits yes it is

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Fine

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Tell me

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Well, heavy proposed to medic by swallowing a ring & having medic cut him open

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Uhu

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: That helps me in now way

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: No way

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: And the other idea?

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Demo proposed to solly using fireworks

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Uhu

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: That also doesnt help me

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Hey! Me and Mac can help you with that!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I don't know, Declan

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I don't think that's really my or Jamie's style

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: You're boring, crybaby

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: DON'T CALL ME CRYBABY!

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Shut up, crybaby

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: If you don't like my ideas then I dunno what to tell you

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: The idea with the organs isn't too bad but Im not having him cut me open

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Then cut him open?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: And how is he supposed to find the ring, then?

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Put it in his stomach & then he

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Well

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Beetle

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Declan

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Shut up

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Ok ok O-O'

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: What if I put the ring in a heart!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: And then gifted that to him!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: What if it was my own heart...

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: You medics

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Don't cry running to me when he says no

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Wait

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: Dont run crying to me when he says no

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Shut up

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: He wont say no

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: He won't, right?

Pie-flavoured Pyromaniac: You won't know until you ask him

Chapter 87: Fourth wall break or crossover?

Give me back my limitless nick: Engineer.

RED Engineer: Yeah?

Give me back my limitless nick: There appears to be a portal in the kitchen.

RED Engineer: What do you mean there appears to be a portal in the kitchen?

Give me back my limitless nick: I mean that there is a portal, currently open in our kitchen.

RED Engineer: Gosh darn it

RED Engineer: I'll be there in a sec

Pony troubles: Keep us updated

hoo nerfed my sandman!: a freekin portal??

RED Engineer: What mother hubbard opened a portal in our darn kitchen??

Kablooey: Theres an actual portal in our kitchen??

Give me back my limitless nick: I told you.

Pony troubles: Where does it lead, Engie!

RED Engineer: I dunno and I ain't the one to test it out!

RED Engineer: Vabkfjbhsib

Kablooey: Engie?

RED Engineer: Sorry, dropped my com

Give me back my limitless nick: There are dragons.

Kablooey: Lutz??

RED Engineer: The damn idiot stuck his head through the portal!

Dr Dragon: Ja, because there are dragons there!

Dr Dragon: If I caught one, I could do so much with its organs.

Dr Dragon: Imagine if I could give Pyro fire breathing abilities.

Pony troubles: VATI, ENGIE, YOU MUST GET ME A DRAGON!

Kablooey: Bug what the hell

Dr Dragon: Oh no. :c

hoo nerfed my sandman!: wat

hoo nerfed my sandman!: wat happened

RED Engineer: A handsome man poked his head through the portal, said sorry for the inconvenience, and the portal closed

SPY: A handsome man, Engineer

RED Engineer: What?

RED Engineer: He was!

Dr Dragon: Engineer has a thing for tall, broad, and brunette men.

RED Engineer: Hvacscifoevjk

RED Engineer: I dropped my comm again

RED Engineer: You told him, Spah, admit it

SPY: My lips are sealed

Dr Dragon: Engineer is not at all subtle. (;

RED Engineer: Portals

RED Engineer: Gosh darn portals!

Notes:

I doubt anyone will guess who the tall, broad, magically-inclined brunette who reminds Dell of Medic is, but if you do manage to guess who it is, you'll get a free off charge infodump about what I like to call 'Fantasy Red Oktoberfest'

Chapter 88: Princess

Johnny boy: What is that mangy creature in the common room?

Sir Boinkalot: WHAT IS THAT

Sir Boinkalot: WHY IS IT HISSING AT ME!

Lion of 2fort: Oh, that's Princess!

Sir Boinkalot: WHAT THE HELL IS PRINCESS

Lion of 2fort: He's my cat that I adopted

Lion of 2fort: Isn't he just adorable?

Sir Boinkalot: THAT THINGS A CAT?

Ken Conagher: If that's a cat then my grandma's the queen of England

Lion of 2fort: He IS a cat

Lion of 2fort: I had him checked

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I didn't know you liked cats, Lionel

Lion of 2fort: They didn't used to be my favourite animals, but recently I heard that Humboldt hates them and so they jumped up to the number one spot on my list of favourite animals

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Allergic

Johnny boy: Which word in that sentence was supposed to be allergic?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Nein, I mean that Ludwig is allergic to cats, he doesn't hate them

Lion of 2fort: Even better!

Sir Boinkalot: Whyyyyy?

Lion of 2fort: Because this means I could snuggle with Princess before battle, get his fur all over me, & when Humboldt inevitably goes for me, he won't be able to attack me because he will be sneezing too much!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: That's cruel, Lionel, even for you

Lion of 2fort: The things that man did to me are far crueler

Cormac: Wait wait

Cormac: Isn't that against the rules?

Lion of 2fort: It isn't if no one catches you ;)

 

Sir Boinkalot: So, how did your plan go, oh Lion of 2fort?

Lion of 2fort: The person at the pound said he was a cat...

The Sniper: Mate, have you never seen a possum in your life before?

Lion of 2fort: As a matter of fact, no, no I haven't

Lion of 2fort: Can I still keep him?

Ken Conagher: John?

Johnny boy: Keep the mangy beast in your room and don't let it scratch anyone, and you can keep it

Lion of 2fort: Thank you!

Chapter 89: Next they'll be arguing over the damn owl

SPY: Can someone explain to me why Scout and Sniper are arguing?

RED Engineer: Trouble in paradise, huh?

SPY: If this is paradise then I don't want to know what hell is like

BACK FROM ZHE DEAD: Not nearly as loud as this, Spy.

SPY: What

BACK FROM ZHE DEAD: What.

Pony troubles (in paradise): Someone just go up & ask the two idiots what they're arguing about

SPY: A great solution, Pyro

BACK FROM ZHE DEAD: They are arguing over getting Buster a new outfit.

RED Engineer: Wha

SPY: Mon diu they actually are

Pony troubles (in paradise): Whyyyyy D:

BACK FROM ZHE DEAD: Apparently, Scout wants to get him a hotdog costume, but Sniper says Buster wouldn't like it and should get a normal doggy outfit.

BACK FROM ZHE DEAD: Scout says that he gets to decide since Buster is his dog.

BACK FROM ZHE DEAD: Sniper says that he got Buster for Scout, and since they're dating, Buster is also his dog.

Pony troubles (in paradise): Dios mío

SPY: Now Pyro has appeared

SPY: She has grabbed them both by the ears to get them to stop arguing

RED Engineer: And?

RED Engineer: Did they?

SPY: Yes, actually

SPY: Buster is getting a princess dress now

RED Engineer: Aw

Heavy: If doktor and me ever argue over what to dress babies in, I want to divorce

SPY: You let the man put your kids in matching lung outfits

SPY: I don't think you're ever going to argue about that

BACK FROM ZHE DEAD: They came in a pair. ;w;

BACK FROM ZHE DEAD: Like lungs do. ;w;

Chapter 90: Meet the Mod!

    Hello, lovely people! With the very shocking milestone of 100 chapters approaching, & the magnificent milestone of 100 followers on the ask blog being just around the corner, I wanted to celebrate this momentous occasion in some way!

    As so, I have decided to organise a 'Meet the Mod' AMA for the blog! For an entire day, when we hit the 100 chapters/followers milestone, I will be answering only asks about myself. You can ask me anything! You can ask me about TF2, who I play, how many hours do I have. You can ask about my other hobbies, about funny anecdotes from my childhood. Anything! 

    In preparation for our milestone, you can start sending over asks already! Either here, or on the blog! We're approaching the milestone every day, & it is exciting to see just how many people have been enjoying my silly, little AU. It truly means so much to me to see just how many people have been interacting, liking, leaving kudos, & reblogging.

Chapter 91: Doctor heart-to-heart

Heavy: :O

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Oh no

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I don't like that face

Dr Heartache: :D

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I don't like that face even more!

Dr Heartache: Friedrich, you are getting MARRIED?

Heavy: Congratulations, little doktor!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Oh

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Oh nononononono

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Who told you??

Dr Heartache: Pyro did.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Aaaaaah

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: No, I am NOT getting married

Dr Heartache: :C

Dr Heartache: What a cruel prank.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: No, wait!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I am not getting married

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I'm getting engaged!

Dr Heartache: Oh! Even better!

Heavy: Proposals are fun

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Yeah, I heard about your proposal, Mikhail

Dr Heartache: So, what do you have planned?

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Well

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I can't believe I'm actually talking to you about this

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Unlike with you, Jamie can't cut me open

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: And I didn't like the idea with the fireworks

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: And a normal proposal seemed a bit boring

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: So instead I thought what if I gave him the ring in a heart?

Dr Heartache: Oh.

Dr Heartache: Junge.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: What?

Dr Heartache: Nein, that won't do.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: What?!

Dr Heartache: Misha, you know what I'm thinking?

Heavy: Uh

Heavy: I think so?

Dr Heartache: Any old heart just won't do, Friedrich!

Dr Heartache: You are telling this man you want to spend the rest of your life with him!

Dr Heartache: You are telling this man you want to be his, and want him to be yours!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Then

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Then what am I supposed to do!

Dr Heartache: Come over to the base tomorrow, we are both out of battle this week.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: You won't kill me, will you?

Dr Heartache: Nein, nein. I already have plenty of your hearts.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: :O

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Are you

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Are you suggesting I propose to Jamie using my OWN heart?

Dr Heartache: Am I? ;)

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Ludwig, you are crazy

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: But you are a genius!

Dr Heartache: I'm not crazy!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Sorryy!

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Imsoruru!

Dr Heartache: Don't be late, Friedrich.

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: I wont i pormise!

Heavy: Doktor is so sexy when he is being commanding

Dr Heartache: (;

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Please dont flirt in a private chat with me in it ;w;

Chapter 92: A very heavy-handed hint

Batta splatta: wers hevy

Mickey Marsupial: Why do you need him roo?

Batta splatta: freekn

Batta splatta: som1 dropd a bookshelf in front of my dor!

Batta splatta: hoo the hell dos that!

Batta splatta: aaaaa

Batta splatta: i cant get in!

Mickey Marsupial: Wait wait wait

Mickey Marsupial: Wait

Mickey Marsupial: Bookshelf

Batta splatta: ye!

Mickey Marsupial: Like the one with books

Batta splatta: YE!

Mickey Marsupial: In front of tour door?

Batta splatta: YES SNIPES YES!

Mickey Marsupial: I think someone's trying to tell you something roo

Batta splatta: AJRVOWCWODNFP

Batta splatta: FCK U!

Batta splatta: I JUST WANNA COUNT MY CARDS!

Batta splatta: HEAVY!

Kaboom: Lad

Kaboom: Heavy cannae help you

Kaboom: No one can

Batta splatta: WY

American patriot: We are currently babysitting the new recruits!

American patriot: Medic and Heavy asked us to!

Batta splatta: i cant freekin belive them!

 

SPY: You did very well, mes amis

Heavy: Spy owes us now, da?

SPY: Of course

Dove Lord: Wunderbar.

Chapter 93: The beginning of the end (of the prank war)

SPY: SCOUT!

SPY: WHERE ARE YOU!

Went out to grab milk: hoos scout

SPY: Don't play games with me, boy!

Went out to grab milk: its the weekend

Went out to grab milk: im scout only on weekdays on weekends im jeremy

SPY: JEREMY!

Went out to grab milk: ye?

SPY: What the fuck did you do with my vintage wine you brat!

Went out to grab milk: dunno

Went out to grab milk: wat did u do to my baseball cards u sneak?

SPY: Fine

SPY: I'll give you your cards back if you give me back my wine

Went out to grab milk: hoo says i still have it

SPY: You didn't

Went out to grab milk: maybe i did

SPY: You have just started a war, mon fils

Went out to grab milk: bring it on pops

Chapter 94: Based on real events

Summary:

Except it was a hedgehog, I was 8 or 9 or 10, & my mom didn't let me grab its skull.

RED Engineer: Heavy!

Heavy: Da?

RED Engineer: Come get your husband!

Heavy: You took car though

Snipins a good job: Tell him something!

Heavy: What did he do?

Heavy: Doktor did you get hurt again?

Evil experiments galore: Nein.

Heavy: What did you do?

Snipins a good job: We were walking down the street and this WEIRDO saw some roadkill, went 'ooh! Squirrel!' and ran up to it!

RED Engineer: To check it over!

Evil experiments galore: Actually, it was a chipmunk and not a squirrel.

RED Engineer: Ludwig!

Snipins a good job: Shush!

RED Engineer: Tell him something, Heavy!

Heavy: Doktor

Heavy: Don't freak out teammates

Evil experiments galore: c:

Heavy: Doktor

Evil experiments galore: :c

Evil experiments galore: :p

Heavy: Ludwig

Evil experiments galore: I took its skull.

Heavy: LUDWIG

Chapter 95: Baby's first texts

Dr Doves: Vdgho kuvxgo

Batter outta hell: uhu

Batter outta hell: i wont pretend too kno wat that meens

Dr Doves: Xdrhkl lpphgc

Batter outta hell: doc r u actly ok?

Dr Doves: Swryippbfddcvjpm

Batter outta hell: ok im starting too get woryd

Dr Doves: Oppjfsaefvoo

Batter outta hell: DOC!

Dr Doves: Es tut mir Leid, Scout.

Dr Haven't Slept in Three Days: Emil ended up taking my communication device.

Batter outta hell: ;o;

Batter outta hell: dont scare me like that medic!

Dr Haven't Slept in Three Days: Aw, you were worried for me, Junge?

Batter outta hell: shut the fuck u!

Batter outta hell: i thout u got hurt ;w;

Dr Haven't Slept in Three Days: c;

Dr Haven't Slept in Three Days: I won't tell, Scout.

The cool uncle: u beter

The cool uncle: r u in ur ofis

Dr Haven't Slept in Three Days: Ja, with the Kinder.

Dr Haven't Slept in Three Days: Derdaaegjojvvk

Dr Haven't Slept in Three Days: Maria decided to say 'hello'.

The cool uncle: good im coming i need a bandayd

The cool uncle: be ther in a sec

The cool uncle: i coold take the kids for a bit if u want

The cool uncle: so they kno wat reel awsomeness is like!

Dr Haven't Slept in Three Days: If you say so, Scout. (:

Chapter 96: Helmet Party cuteness

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Ken Conagher: What do you need, John?

Johnny boy: I love you!

Ken Conagher: I love you too

 

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Ken Conagher: What, John?

Johnny boy: I love you!

Ken Conagher: Yes, I love you too

 

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Ken Conagher: John

Johnny boy: I love you, Engie!

Ken Conagher: John, I love you too, but can you stop that?

Johnny boy: Stop what?

Ken Conagher: Never mind

 

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: KEN

Johnny boy: KEN

Johnny boy: KEN

Johnny boy: KEN

Johnny boy: KEN

Johnny boy: KEN

Ken Conagher: WHAT

Johnny boy: I love you, cupcake

Ken Conagher: JOHN, I SWEAR TO GOD!

 

Ken Conagher: Lionel!

Lion of 2fort: What

Ken Conagher: Do something!

Lion of 2fort: About what?

Ken Conagher: John!

Lion of 2fort: What did he do?

Ken Conagher: He's not letting me work!

Ken Conagher: He keeps pestering me!

Lion of 2fort: How?

Ken Conagher: By constantly texting me that he loves me!

Lion of 2fort: Ken

Ken Conagher: WHAT

Lion of 2fort: When was the last time you ate? Or slept? Or took any sort of break from work?

Ken Conagher: What does that have to do with anything?

Lion of 2fort: For the smartest man on the team, you sure are an idiot sometimes

Ken Conagher: Lionel!

Ken Conagher: Wait

Ken Conagher: Wait a minute

Ken Conagher: Gosh darn it!

 

Ken Conagher: John

Ken Conagher: John

Ken Conagher: John

Ken Conagher: John

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Johnny boy: Ken

Ken Conagher: What?

Johnny boy: I love you

Ken Conagher: I love you too, darling

Johnny boy: I have a six pack and a cake

Ken Conagher: I'll be there in a bit, don't drink any of the beer without me

Chapter 97: Polyglots

Heavy: KURVA

Dr Lintuja: Kurwa*.

Heavy: BLYAT

Le Scooty: wot

Heavy: Я ненавижу это!

RED Engineer: Heavy?

Dr Lintuja: Heavy has decided German is too hard for him.

Dr Lintuja: He decided he would rather learn Polish, because how hard can learning another Slavic language be?

Heavy: Doktor

Dr Lintuja: But he forgot to take into account that Western and Eastern Slavic languages have very little in common.

Heavy: Don't be suka

Dr Lintuja: And that Polish is a harder language to learn than German.

Heavy: Kurwa mac!

Dr Lintuja: He is enjoying the swear words, however.

Heavy: Ya pierdole Medic!

Dr Lintuja: Yes, Liebling?

Heavy: Soldier idzie sie jebat

Heavy: He told me it was easy language!

American patriot: It is easy, Private!

American patriot: Ale piszesz świetnie, Rusku! Ucz się tak dalej i może jeszcze coś z ciebie będzie!

Heavy: I hate you, Soldier

RED Engineer: I had no idea Solly could speak a language other than English...

Kangaroo King: Huh

Kangaroo King: Guess that just leaves me and you roo

Le Scooty: leaves us wat

Kangaroo King: As the only people who speak only one language

Le Scooty: i speek french

Kangaroo King: ...

Kangaroo King: Bullshit

Le Scooty: nu u

Le Scooty: ma had me learn it as a kid so im flooent

Kangaroo King: Engie?

RED Engineer: Sorry, slim, I speak Spanish

Kangaroo King: Demo?

FREEEEDOOOOM: Gaelic

Kangaroo King: What's that

FREEEEDOOOOM: The native language of the Scots

Kangaroo King: Piss off!

Kangaroo King: I'm the only person on this team who speaks only one language?!

Dr Lintuja: There is no shame in that, Sniper. Some people just never get the opportunity to learn another language.

Kangaroo King: Says the guy whose trilingual!

Dr Lintuja: Multilingual. 

Kangaroo King: WHAT

Dr Lintuja: I have been touching up on my Finnish lately, to be able to have at least basic conversations in the language.

Kangaroo King: Finnish?!

Dr Lintuja: What?

Dr Lintuja: My nanny was Finnish.

FREEEEDOOOOM: Oh is that why your name is so weird?

Dr Lintuja: Ja! Lintuja is the Finnish word for birds!

SPY: You don't want to know how many languages I know, bushman

Kangaroo King: No the fuck I dont!

SPY: Let me tell you

SPY: I speak English, French, Spanish, Catalan, Italian, Russian, and German

Kangaroo King: FUCK YOU

SPY: Isn't that what you said to my son last night

Kangaroo King: NO I DID NOT

Pony troubles: But I did B)

Le Scooty: bug!

Chapter 98: Invisible ninjas cutting onions

Cant catch me!: help

This is a test to see if everyone has a character limit like doc: Roo?

Cant catch me!: docs craying wat do i do

I'm back to being the Kangaroo King: He's crying?

I'm back to being the Kangaroo King: Well what did you do to make him cry!

Cant catch me!: nothing!

Cant catch me!: i just walked in & hes crying!

Kangaroo King: Comfort him!

Cant catch me!: i dunno how!

Kangaroo King: How do you not know how to comfort him!

Kangaroo King: Its doc!

Kangaroo King: Give him a bird or an organ!

Kangaroo King: Or get Heavy!

Cant catch me!: id comfort him but i dont kno wat cosed him to cry!

Cant catch me!: wat if i give him a bird & he starts sobing harder cos 1 of his other birds died!

Kangaroo King: Then ask him!

Cant catch me!: snipes are u mad!

Cant catch me!: i cant just go ul to him & ask him wy hes crying!

Kangaroo King: Why not!

Cant catch me!: cos its rood!

Cant catch me!: o my god

Cant catch me!: snipes

Kangaroo King: What!

Cant catch me!: he wasnt crying

Kangaroo King: What

Kangaroo King: What was he doing then

Cant catch me!: crying onions

Cant catch me!: i meen cuting onions

Kangaroo King: You walked into the KITCHEN AND TOUR FIRST THOUGHT SEEING HIM CRYING WASNT THAT HE WAS CUTTINF ONIONS?!

Kangaroo King: SCOUT!

Cant catch me!: too be fair

Cant catch me!: far*

Cant catch me!: ive never seen doc make dinner before

Kangaroo King: Oh my god, Scout

Chapter 99: Bird-shaped escapees

Heavy: Help

Kablooey: Mish?

Better than the BLus: yo hev u alright

Better than the BLus: ?

Heavy: I lost bird

Heavy: Helphelphelphelp

Kablooey: You

Kablooey: You lost one of Medics birds?

Heavy: Da

Heavy: Help!

Better than the BLus: wich 1??

Heavy: Eureka!

Better than the BLus: wich 1 is that again??

Heavy: Cannot miss her

Heavy: Really

Kablooey: Lad what?

Heavy: She is dressed up

Kablooey: As?

Heavy: Me

Better than the BLus: wat

Heavy: Doctor likes to

Heavy: He likes

Heavy: He makes costumes for birds!

Heavy: Archimedes has little doctor costume

Heavy: And Eureka has little Heavy costume

Better than the BLus: eureka & archie r a mated per right

Heavy: Da

Kablooey: That's bloody adorable

Heavy: Will not be adorable when doctor finds out I lost his bird!

Heavy: Help me!

Kablooey: Alright were going tae look!

Better than the BLus: well find that bird no wories!

Heavy: Good

Heavy: BLYAT, DIOGENES JUST FLY AWAY TOO!

Kablooey: Is he also dressed up in something?

Better than the BLus: aint that the 1 that can backflip

Better than the BLus: ?

Heavy: Da

Heavy: He is dresses as Scout

Better than the BLus: awsome!

Kablooey: At least its a harmless hobby

Kablooey: Its weird

Kablooey: But harmless

Heavy: And cute

Kablooey: If you say so Mish

Chapter 100: Organs, yay...

RED Engineer: Doc, you can't do that!

Dr Malpractise: Why not?

Dr Malpractise: They're an organ donor.

RED Engineer: A body is not an organ

Dr Malpractise: Well, if you think about it, the body is just a bunch of different organs attached to each other!

RED Engineer: But it's not all organs!

Got a peeheychdee in beat yo assery: ye! 

Got a peeheychdee in beat yo assery: wat about bons & skin!

Dr Malpractise: Skin is an organ. As are bones, which are classified as a structural organ.

Got a peeheychdee in beat yo assery: THEY WAT

SPY: What is this maniac talkingabout this time

SPY: Talking about*

Dr Malpractise: Bodies, Herr Spy!

RED Engineer: And grave robbing

RED Engineer: Again...

Dr Malpractise: Hey, at least this time I didn't steal Soldier to help me out with it.

RED Engineer: No, but you did somehow persuade Heavy

SPY: HE WAT

SPY: Mikhail!!

Heavy: The brain is type of organ, Spy

Heavy: But so is heart

Got a peeheychdee in beat yo assery: & dik

Got a peeheychdee in beat yo assery: & we al now wich 1 heavy uses to think with wen its abot the doc

Heavy: And I am still smarter than you

Got a peeheychdee in beat yo assery: hey!

Got a peeheychdee in beat yo assery: ur riaght

Got a peeheychdee in beat yo assery: but hey!

Chapter 101: RP server

Hello, hello! Look at that, after a month of work, & two unfortunate months of terrible writer's block, we have officially reached the 100th chapter of the texting fic! I never expected to take it this far...

As a celebration, I am now announcing a brand new TF2 Roleplay server! Based on the ask blog based on this fic, I have decided to organise a server for all of you to RP with me, & each other, using all of your amazing OCs & own versions of the TF2 mercs. 

If you're interested, here is the link! 

I hope to see many of you there!

Chapter 102: Guess what I did!

Mr Dr Man: Guess what I did, Liebling!

Heavy: Oh no

Mr Dr Man: Oh, stop it!

Mr Dr Man: It's a good thing!

Heavy: What did doktor do?

Mr Dr Man: I got bored and had no paperwork to do (miraculously.)

Mr Dr Man: So I went and cleaned up our bedroom!

Heavy: And by clean up...

Mr Dr Man: Well, I changed the sheets, I dusted, and I hoovered.

Mr Dr Man: And I also took out the carpets.

Mr Dr Man: Pyro is currently burning them outside.

Heavy: But I like carpets...

Mr Dr Man: They were covered in blood, mud, and other unsavoury things, Liebling!

Mr Dr Man: I did have a lot of fun pulling them off, though.

Mr Dr Man: And now we can go shopping for new ones together! :D

Heavy: I was gone for one hour

Heavy: Doktor...

Heavy: Doktor?

Heavy: Doktor!

Mr Dr Man: Sorry!

Mr Dr Man: I took a bit of a power nap, aheh.

Mr Dr Man: Woo, that Bonk really packs a punch!

Mr Dr Man: I am never going to drink it again! :D

Heavy: >:C

 

American patriot: Demo! 

American patriot: Zhanna!

American patriot: Guess what I did!

Kaboom!: Aye, what did you do, handsome?

American patriot: I punched a hole in the wall!

Kaboom!: JANE??

Kaboom!: WHY??

Mrs Doe: Maggot bear are you hurt?

American patriot: I AM SO POWERFUL!

American patriot: THAT DIDN'T HURT EVEN A BIT!

American patriot: WOOOOOOO!

Kaboom!: Jane, what the bloody hells got into you!

American patriot: BONK!

Kaboom!: You drank BONK?!

American patriot: Yes, sir!

American patriot: Scout shared some Bonk with us!

Mrs Doe: I am going to crush little baby man when I get home

Kaboom!: 'Us'

Kaboom!: Whos us?

American patriot: Me

Kaboom!: Aye

American patriot: Scout

Mrs Doe: Da

American patriot: Doc

Kaboom!: Oh fuck

American patriot: And Engie!

Mrs Doe: Blyat

 

RED Engineer: Spah

RED Engineer: You won't guess what I did

SPY: Should I be scared

RED Engineer: What?

RED Engineer: Naaah!

RED Engineer: Of course not, darling!

SPY: I saw what Ludwig and Jane wrote to Mikhail and Tavish

RED Engineer: Oh

RED Engineer: Yeah

RED Engineer: You should be scared

SPY: Dell, I love you

SPY: What did you do

RED Engineer: I

RED Engineer: Um

SPY: Yes

RED Engineer: I did an overhaul on your disguise kit

SPY: Which means

RED Engineer: That you can now disguise as lamps

SPY: Mon Dieu

RED Engineer: As shelves and cupboards

SPY: I can't tell if I want to laugh at you, or at myself right now

RED Engineer: And also buildings

SPY: WHAT

RED Engineer: Yeah, like the sentries and stuff

RED Engineer: I had Solly test it out, it's really realistic!

SPY: Pauling is never going to let me do that in battle

RED Engineer: Not unless we give her... Ideas

SPY: Ideas you say

RED Engineer: For a new type of battle!

RED Engineer: Doc wanted to call it the 'hunt down the spy' battle mode

RED Engineer: But I prefer the term 'prop hunt'

SPY: I'm listening

 

Bonk maister: hey

Bonk maister: bug

Bonk maister: mick

Bonk maister: u wont gess whot i did

Kangaroo King: YOU GAVE SOLDIER DELL & DOC BONK?!

Pony Troubles: YOU GAVE SOLLY VATI & ENGIE BONK??

Bonk maister: oh

Bonk maister: i gess u did gess afterall

Bonk maister: but

Bonk maister: heres the funy thing

Bonk maister: i didnt!

Kangaroo King: What?

Pony Troubles: Scooty?

Bonk maister: it wos just regular soda i put in bonk cans!

Bonk maister: them acting al crezy all day?

Bonk maister: that was the platypus afect!

Kangaroo King: Placebo

Bonk maister: ye whotever!

Pony Troubles: You can spell platypus but you don't know what the placebo affect is?

Bonk maister: dos it matter bug?

Pony Troubles: Not really, I suppose

Pony Troubles: I'm just in awe of your brain

Kangaroo King: I don't wanna know what these three would be like on real Bonk

Bonk maister: C:<

Kangaroo King: SCOUT!

Pony Troubles: NO!

Chapter 103: She's back, back again, the monkey's back~

Heavy: I love you

Dr Vater: I love you too!

Heavy: Why are you being evil?

Dr Vater: ...

Heavy: ...

Dr Vater: ...

Heavy: ...

Dr Vater: I don't know how to answer that...

Dr Vater: Why do you think I'm being evil!

Heavy: You commit cry!

Heavy: Crime!

Dr Vater: I was SAVING our DAUGHTER from the zoo!

Heavy: WE ALREADY HAVE DAUGHTER??

Dr Vater: Well, now we have a second one!

Heavy: Ludwig

Heavy: My husband

Heavy: I love you

Dr Vater: You said that already, Misha.

Heavy: You AGREED to give baboon away

Dr Vater: But I missed her :c.

Dr Vater: Come meet her, she wants to meet her papa!

Heavy: LUDWIG!

Chapter 104: Flashback woosh

Summary:

I wanna stress that this happened BEFORE the twins. Well, sorta.
This is also, as are most things in this story, inspired by an internet meme.

I'm a god! THE BIRD GOD OF THE BADLANDS: Liebling.

Heavy: Da?

I'm a god! THE BIRD GOD OF THE BADLANDS: I want a baby.

Heavy: Do I get say in this?

I'm a god! THE BIRD GOD OF THE BADLANDS: Of course you do!

Heavy: Then no.

I'm a god! THE BIRD GOD OF THE BADLANDS: :c. Why not?

Heavy: Battlefield is not good place for babies

I'm a god! THE BIRD GOD OF THE BADLANDS: Mikhail, I'm pregnant.

Heavy: WHAT?

Heavy: WE WILL BE PAPAS??

I'm a god! THE BIRD GOD OF THE BADLANDS: No, we are not.

I'm a god! THE BIRD GOD OF THE BADLANDS: Dummkopf.

Heavy: :C

Heavy: Doktor, prank was mean

I'm a god! THE BIRD GOD OF THE BADLANDS: We will be fathers. I am actually pregnant.

Heavy: YOU ARE?

Heavy: WILL BE PAPAS??

I'm a god! THE BIRD GOD OF THE BADLANDS: Mikhail...

I'm a god! THE BIRD GOD OF THE BADLANDS: Ja, fine. We are going to be papas.

I'm a god! THE BIRD GOD OF THE BADLANDS: And you are sleeping on the couch c:.

Heavy: ...

Heavy: <:O

Heavy: D':

 

SPY: Dell

SPY: I want a baby

RED Engineer: Heck no

RED Engineer: Not if it turns out like the Scouts

SPY: They were adorable as toddlers

RED Engineer: No.

SPY: Fine

SPY: I will tell the docteur it didn't work

RED Engineer: Wait

RED Engineer: WHAT DIDN'T WORK?

RED Engineer: WHAT DID LU DO??

SPY: Nothing, mon cher

SPY: As far as I know, at least

 

Scoutling #1: mickey

Kangaroo Kingdom: Yeah?

Scoutling #1: i want a baby

Scoutling #1: mickey

Scoutling #1: ?

Scoutling #1: mick

Scoutling #1: !

Scoutling #1: hey!

Scoutling #1: u cant do that too me!

Rainbow bushfires: ...

Scoutling #1: bug?

Rainbow bushfires: I can get you a baby.

Scoutling #1: ...

Scoutling #1: i howp by tht u meen u got me a pupy or smthing

Rainbow bushfires: C:

Scoutling #1: BUG!

 

American Patriot: I want a baby!

Mrs Doe: Me too!

American Patriot: TAVISH!

Mrs Doe: TAVISH!

Kablooey: Bloody hell

Kablooey: Is nae an option?

Mrs Doe: Nope!

American Patriot: C'mere, handsome!

Kablooey: Eh Ill pass

Kablooey: I quite fancy having balls and a tadger

Kablooey: I donnae fancy having them removed by doc after what happened last time

Kablooey: Also I donnae fancy losing me head with me other ball when Heavy finds out

American Patriot: Boooooo

Mrs Doe: Booooooooooooo

Kablooey: Look Ill make you two a deal laddie and lassie

Kablooey: If the doc gets hisself and his hubby a bairn first

Kablooey: We can have an ankle biter or two of our own

Kablooey: If theyre too busy with a wee one they will leave me alone!

Mrs Doe: I will hold you to promise handsome ;D

Kablooey: I cannae say nae tae that lassie!

Mrs Doe: I understand none of that :D

American Patriot: Tavish

Kablooey: Aye?

American Patriot: You, son, are the best thing that has happened to America since Lincoln invented the stairs

American Patriot: I am proud to call you my husband!

Kablooey: Och youll make me blush you two!

Chapter 105: The Promise(tm)

Raccoon dad: Tavish! 

Kaboom: Aye?

Raccoon dad: Guess who is coming to visit!

Kaboom: Who?

Raccoon dad: Zhanna!

Kaboom: Ah the wifey is coming over?

Kaboom: She wants tae visit her niece and nephew?

Raccoon dad: And her husbands!

Kaboom: That too aye

Raccoon dad: You made us a promise, Tavish

Kaboom: I did?

Kaboom: When was that?

Raccoon dad: (:

Kaboom: Jane?

Raccoon dad: (:

Kaboom: Jane what promise did I make you?

Raccoon dad: (:

Kaboom: JANE!

Chapter 106: The 'I want a baby' meme alternate ending

Dr Vater: Liebling.

Heavy: Da?

Dr Vater: I want a baby.

Heavy: We have two??

Dr Vater: No one on this team loves me.

Heavy: Doktor??

 

Heavy: Doktor

Dr Vater: Ja?

Heavy: So

Heavy: Because Misha did not give you baby

Heavy: You stole baboon from zoo

Dr Vater: Ja! c:

Heavy: I am just like mama

Heavy: Marrying crazy man

Dr Vater: c:

Chapter 107: Anniversary of the worst kind

Summary:

Angst & child death ahead

Doktor: Liebling.

Heavy: Da?

Doktor: I want my baby.

Heavy: Which one?

Doktor: The first one.

Heavy: Maria?

Doktor: Nein.

Heavy: No? But Maria was born first

Doktor: Nein.

Heavy: Husband, what do you mean?

Doktor: :c

Heavy: Oh.

Heavy: Is Elsie's birthday?

Doktor: Next week, ja.

Heavy: Does doktor want to go somewhere? Away from base? Just four of us?

Doktor: Where, Misha?

Heavy: Maybe cruise would be nice?

Heavy: What does husband say?

Doktor: The Kinder are a year old already. They have never been far outside of the base, maybe this would do them good.

Doktor: One year.

Doktor: They are only half a month apart.

Heavy: I am sure she would been very happy to have siblings

Doktor: I know.

Doktor: She looked just like me.

Heavy: Come here, I will cuddle sadness out of doktor

Doktor: Thank you, Misha.

Chapter 108: Emil goes Emo

Summary:

Don't dye your baby's hair, folks

King Dove: Correct me if I'm wrong.

SPY: You are wrong

King Dove: Not the time, Herr Spy.

King Dove: Anyway.

King Dove: Was one of my Kinder blond?

bonk machine: was

bonk machine: like

bonk machine: he no longer is?

King Dove: Apparently not.

King Dove: Mein Mann, do you have anything to say about this?

Heavy: I do not

King Dove: Mikhail.

Heavy: ...

Heavy: I am not at base

SPY: That is a confession if I've ever seen one

bonk machine: wy is he not blond?

King Dove: Because, apparently, someone got into my hair dye.

bonk machine: that was yors??

King Dove: Scout.

King Dove: Scout, what do you mean by that?

bonk machine: uh...

bonk machine: wsa the botle in the copmunal showetr

bonk machine: cose i difinitely didnt see no ahriadye botles in the shwoers

King Dove: Scout.

King Dove: Did you switch my hair dye with my shampoo?

bonk machine: nononononononnoonon!

King Dove: Scout.

bonk machine: IM NOIT AT BASE DONT COME LOOKING FOR ME!

RED Engineer: Lu dyes his hair??

Chapter 109: Magic babies

Raccoon dad: And I thought George or Georgia would be a nice name

Kablooey: JANE!

Raccoon dad: Tavish?

Kablooey: HELP!

Kablooey: I'M DYING!

Raccoon dad: WHAT HAPPENED, TAVISH?!

Kablooey: I'VE BEEN SHOT DOWN WITH MAGIC!!

Raccoon dad: MAGIC?? But it's not hallowwen yet, Merasmus shouldn't be around!

Kablooey: NOT MERASMUS

Kablooey: DOCS KIDS

Raccoon dad: Heavy's kids??

Kablooey: YES, DOCS KIDS!

Kablooey: I thought he was joking!

Raccoon dad: Joking? About what?

Kablooey: About halloween!

Raccoon dad: Tavish are you drunk?

Raccoon dad: Because you're not making any sense

Raccoon dad: And I know it's not my fault because I haven't drank lead water in three days!

Raccoon dad: I'm basically cured!

Kablooey: JANE

Kablooey: THIS ISNAE FUNNY

Kablooey: MY FACE IS YELLOW

Kablooey: SUNFLOWER YELLOW!!!!

Raccoon dad: Why?

Kablooey: BECAUSE DOCS KIDS HAVE MAGIC

Kablooey: BLOODY FECKIN MAGIC

Raccoon dad: WHAT

~Dr Daddy~: Aheh. I didn't tell you, did I?

Kablooey: NAE YOU DIDNAE

~Dr Daddy~: Alright, calm yourself, Tavish.

~Dr Daddy~: It's just a little bit of transformation magic!

Kablooey: Im goin tae kill you

~Dr Daddy~: Really, there is nothing to worry about. The Kinder may have- That's not very nice!

Kablooey: Im YELLOW

~Dr Daddy~: Just come see me, already. I will undo it.

Kablooey: Fine

~Dr Daddy~: Finally.

Raccoon dad: Doc

~Dr Daddy~: Ja?

Raccoon dad: Why do your kids have magic?

~Dr Daddy~: I may or may not have dabbled in the dark arts previously.

~Dr Daddy~: And so did my father.

~Dr Daddy~: And my father's father.

~Dr Daddy~: There's really nothing for you to worry about, Herr Soldat! c:

Raccoon dad: OK! Carry on as you were, nurse!

~Dr Daddy~: Danke...

Chapter 110: BLU flirts

Summary:

Another Ken x John chapter for the fans

Ken Conagher: Alright. Who did laundry last

The Lion of 2fort: Not me

Ken Conagher: Well ONE of you did it

Ken Conagher: Who was it

The Burning and the Divine: What do you need, ken

Ken Conagher: I put my new assless chaps in the wash, now they're gone

Johnny boy: what are assless chaps?

Ken Conagher: Leather pants without an ass piece

Ken Conagher: They're used for horseback riding so you don't chafe

Johnny boy: You ride on a horse with your dick out?!

Ken Conagher: what

Johnny boy: Can I see

Ken Conagher: Boy, what the hell is wrong with that head of yours?

Ken Conagher: The chaps go OVER regular pants

Johnny boy: Oh

Johnny boy: does that mean chapsless ass would be leather speedos?

Ken Conagher: Good god, give me strength

Ken Conagher: John, you are NOT making me wear leather goshdarn speedos!

Ken Conagher: You know how hard it is to get even regular speedos onto my fat ass?

Johnny boy: You look good in them, hun!

Ken Conagher: God, John, you dirty mutt

Friedrich Klaus Ludwig III: Why must you do this on the main channel?

Chapter 111: Ride that cowboy, YEEHAW

Summary:

mxbo on tumblr drew me this amazing art of an ask I got on the ask blog, & I'm just now realising I COULD HAVE MADE IT INTO A CHAPTER!
Go show the artist some love, here's the post https://www.tumblr.com/mxbo/760782501747769344/i-give-john-a-shirt-that-says-save-a-horse-ride?source=share

Johnny boy: I got a shirt in the mail

Ken Conagher: You did?

Ken Conagher: From who

Johnny boy: Fans? Or maybe one of the REDs...

Johnny boy: What if this is a trap, Ken??

Ken Conagher: What does the shirt say?

Johnny boy: 'Save a horse, ride a cowboy'

Ken Conagher: Ha! Don't worry, hun, that's not a trap

Ken Conagher: It's just a funny joke

Johnny boy: But what does it mean...

Ken Conagher: Hehe

Ken Conagher: Well, John?

Ken Conagher: You wanna go?

Johnny boy: Go where?

Ken Conagher: To ride. A cowboy.

Johnny boy: If we're riding to Tuefort, can we go to the bakery with those little cake samples?

Ken Conagher: You're adorable.

Ken Conagher: We sure can, pardner.

Johnny boy: Yaaay!

Chapter 112: Proper German American

Herr Doktor Gott: Why won't you give it back?

SPY: I am not giving a gun to a madman. There is a reason you have a dart gun in battle.

Herr Doktor Gott: But I have a license! I can open carry!

Herr Doktor Gott: Spy?

SPY: Who in their right mind authorised YOU to carry a gun!

Herr Doktor Gott: Soldier! :D

SPY: Soldier

SPY: What

American patriot: That's right Frenchie!

American patriot: Now give doc back his god given gun!

SPY: God given

SPY: He pulled it out of a demonic portal!

American patriot: It's still his god given right to have it!

American patriot: Like a proper AMERICAN!

SPY: I give up

SPY: You can have your demonic, 'American' gun

Herr Doktor Gott: :D!

Chapter 113: Egg heads

Scooter is bored: wee need eggs

SPY: 'Wee'

Scooter is bored: shut up spy

Kangaroo King: We have eggs, roo

Scooter is bored:no we dont

Kangaroo King: Yeah we do

Heavy: We need eggs?

Kangaroo King: Look, there's one!

Scooter is bored: ...

SPY: ...

Heavy: ...

Raccoon Soldier: ...

RED Engineer: ...

Mrs Doe: ...

Scooter is bored: mick wat the fuck

Heavy: Heavy already apologise for making Sniper miss shot

Kangaroo King: Making me miss an austrailum throated dessert runner is a crime that can't be forgiven

Heavy: Second photo was good enough!

Kangaroo King: For you, Egg

Scooter is bored: wow

Scooter is bored: remind me never too piss sniper off

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Texting Troubles