bad ideas with the chaos robins

by thequestionisalwaysmangos

Summary:

Three ex-Robins and a vlogger on a rooftop, what could go wrong?

———

Spoiler, Red Robin, and Nightwing agree to an audio only interview. Here’s the transcript.

Notes:

• Inspired by [Restricted Work] by AtomosphericNonsense (Log in to access.)
• Inspired by Spit In My Mouth by iquirms
• Inspired by [Restricted Work] by PrinceJakeFireCake (Log in to access.)

Against my better judgement, I’m adding this to this series. Any ideas for a New and Better name for this series would be greatly appreciated:)

Chapter 1

Interviewer: I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect asking Robin if any of you would be down for an interview to go this well.

 

Red Robin: That’s fair, historically asking Robin much of anything ends in a stabbing.

 

Spoiler: That’s because he hates you.

 

Nightwing: Hey! No he doesn’t!

 

RR & SP: …

 

Nightwing: Okay, maybe he used to, but he doesn’t now!

 

IN: Why does Robin hate you?

 

RR: Literally because I was Robin when he got here.

 

SP: Well, there was definitely more to it than that…

 

RR: Oh, sorry, did you want me to straight up tell this person with no context that he was raised in a cult and told that in order to earn his place as Batman’s heir he would have to kill the others who were “in line” to become Batman? And that his creepy cult leader grandpa wants to fuck me and has probably already cloning me in order to “create an heir worthy of the title” Lex Luthor style?

 

IN: Um. What?

 

NW: Okay, yeah, I get why you said it, but it needed to be pointed out that that was an oversimplification. And you can’t deny that you do tend to provoke him.

 

RR: By existing? That kid has tried to kill me dozens of times and my only retaliation is occasionally getting snippy about it? Fuck you. I have been showing restraint.

 

SP: Uh huh.

 

RR: Spoiler, do you know who trained me to fight?

 

SP: …Batman?

 

RR: No.

 

NW: What?

 

RR: Batman trained me to do a lot of things, but he wasn’t the one to teach me to fight, do you know who was?

 

NW: No?

 

RR: Black Bat’s Mother.

 

SP: Oh shit.

 

NW: What?

 

RR: She still shows up to kick my ass like once a year to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything. I could have fought Robin back at any point and I didn’t. The moment that kid hits eighteen I am absolutely gonna kick the shit outta him, just like I did Hood once he got past the Pit Madness enough for the message to sink in, and he’s acknowledged as one of the best martial artists in the world. I can’t take Bats in a straight fight yet, but if I have all my gear? I’ve been sedating that fucker and dragging his ass back to bed on hour 72 since I was fourteen. Part of the reason he let me be Robin in the first place was because he was terrified of what kind of Rogue I would be.

 

IN: Jesus Christ.

 

SP: I’ll be honest, I forgot you were here for a minute.

 

NW: Oh my god, I think I’m going to throw up.

 

SP: Why?

 

NW: Imagine Red as a villain.

 

SP : …oh fuck.

 

RR: Don’t worry, I literally almost killed myself when I met a future version of myself that was a gun-toting dictator Batman.

 

NW: *makes a noise that makes RR snort*

 

RR: It gets worse. The whole Titans team went evil with me in that timeline. Now we have a pact to kill whoever goes evil first.

 

IN: Why do you say that like it’s a foregone conclusion?

 

RR: Shall we start with the fact that Superman named Superboy “abomination” in his native language, the fact that Impulse was mostly homeless as a teenager because none of the other flashes were willing or able to deal with him besides Mercury, or the fact that one of us was imprisoned by a government agency for several years as a child for being a meta?

 

IN: Um…

 

RR: Let’s not get into it, just know that we’ve been to space on multiple occasions and are worshiped as gods in one sector for toppling a dictatorship and reinstalling the original monarchs, and have been to literal Hell on at least three occasions and came back with very little psychological damage.

 

IN, SP, NW: *stunned silence*

 

RR: So, we’re here for an interview. You had questions?

 

IN: Uh *fumbles for notes app* What’s a skill that has been useful as a vigilante that people wouldn’t expect?

 

SP: Riddles? No, everyone already knows about the Riddler…

 

RR: Baseball?

 

NW: Pole dancing.

 

SP: Oh yeah, that’s a good one!

 

IN: Excuse me?

 

RR: Yeah, it’s honestly super handy. Like, being able to hold yourself up on a beam without hands is one of the first Robin skills you learn.

 

SP: It’s also a fantastic workout, like, all around.

 

NW: And fun!

 

IN: Wait, wait, wait, exactly how many of the bats know how to pole dancer?

 

RR: All of us. Well, signal is still working on it and nobody’s teaching Robin the really fun stuff until after he gets past puberty.

 

IN: So that means…

 

RR: Batman knows how to pole dance.

 

IN: Nobody’s ever going to believe me if I tell them that.

 

NW: They’re definitely not going to believe he was the one who taught me.

 

IN: I have so many more questions now.

 

SP: Shoot.

 

IN: So, like, obviously Nightwing’s probably the hottest—

 

NW: Awww thanks!

 

IN: —but how would you rank everyone else’s pole dancing. Or like, top five?

 

SP: Oooh! Good question! Obviously Robin will not be a part of this conversation

 

RR: *grimaces* ew.

 

SP: But for me, it’s probably Nightwing, Black Bat, Red, Hood, then Signal.

 

IN: Incredibly valid.

 

NW: Aw, Thanks! I feel weird answering this question.

 

RR: It’s because B’s on your list, isn’t it.

 

NW: Unfortunately.

 

RR: How about I go first so you feel less weird about it?

 

NW: …I’m scared, but okay.

 

RR: Red Hood, Nightwing, Batman, Spoiler, Black Bat.

 

IN: I think I might need an explanation for that one.

 

SP: Yeah, me too. What the fuck, Red? This is simultaneously the most insulted and flattered I’ve ever felt in my life!

 

NW: Yeah, I’m also confused.

 

RR: I changed the entire course of my life to make sure Hood’s dad wouldn’t kill himself, I don’t know why you’re so surprised that I find him hotter than you.

 

SP: That’s true. You also like men who could snap you in half, so I guess that’s also a factor.

 

IN: Oh? Does Red Robin is gay?

 

RR: Red Robin does is gay. Well, bi, but gay is more fun to say.

 

SP: Samesies. Actually, now that I think of it, are any of us straight.

 

NW: …no. I don’t think so. I don’t think Robin’s sure yet, so maybe.

 

RR: No.

 

NW: Elaborate?

 

RR: No. And don’t think you’ve gotten out of telling us your top 5!

 

SP: He can do that after you explain why you think B is hotter than me and I’m hotter than BB.

 

RR: Fine. In order, Hood is hot in general, obviously, but have you seen what he does with his hips when he dances? Hottest shit I’ve seen in my life, and not necessarily with pole dancing either. Have you seen that man salsa? I had to leave the fucking room.

 

NW: Christ.

 

RR: I know you’re upset because you agree. Anyway, Nightwing is Nightwing and can definitely do sexy when he wants to, but it’s way hotter when he’s just practicing to like, his favorite playlist and just pulling all these wild moves that I’ll never be flexible enough to do. He’s much more emotional when he thinks nobody’s looking and just, letting himself do what he wants without pandering to whoever’s watching.

 

NW: Oh…This is why I never ask you these things. I forget you were literally my stalker.

 

IN: Say what now?!

 

SP: *ignoring IN* Okay, both of those track, but B?

 

RR: I’m not sure the rest of you get what it means that I’ve seen him at his absolute worst. Like, before I was Robin, I called ambulances a lot on petty criminals he went way too far on. I’ve dealt with his angsty, drunk ass on many occasions. Which means I’ve also seen him at his sluttiest in his attempts to feel something, and the unholy combination of both.

 

IN: Sorry to interrupt, but doesn’t “sluttiest” kind of imply that he’s generally kind of slutty?

 

NW: *nose wrinkling* Yeah, that’s accurate. I swear to god, the number of times he sent me home after Catwoman showed up…

 

SP: Yeah, I was only Robin for like a month and it still happened twice.

 

RR: Now imagine you’re an eleven year old stalker stuck behind the A/C unit on the same roof for two hours.

 

NW: WHAT!?

 

SP: OH MY GOD!!

 

IN: WHAT THE FUCK?!?

 

RR: Suffice it to say, I know way too much about his sex life.

 

SP: Okay! We’ll circle back to that, but hotter than me?

 

RR: Unfortunately. His dirty talk awakened something in me.

 

IN: *cackling* F-fuck, I wish this were a video recording! Their faces!!

 

RR: Anyway, you’re a hotter dancer than BB because you actively have any sexual thoughts about what you’re doing. Well, you’re hot in general—don’t look at me like that, I dated you for over a year, we know I think you’re hot—but you definitely have the habit of looking whoever you’re dancing for directly in the eye the whole time and progressively getting more intense bedroom eyes.

 

NW: That is true, I thought you were trying to seduce me the first time you asked me for help with choreographing something.

 

RR: All that being said, BB is definitely the most technically skilled of any of us, and her dancing conveys a lot of emotion, just not usually sexy emotion. She’s a godsdamned artist. Also, she’s the only one of you I really have, like, brotherly feelings toward. Like, I’m pretty sure that even if we did have sex, it wouldn’t feel romantic, you know?

 

IN: No.

 

NW: Not really.

 

SP: Absolutely not, she’s the hottest person I’ve ever met in my life and I would absolutely wife her up.

 

RR: Well, yeah, but she’s actually attracted to you! And you’re attracted to her!

 

SP: Wait, she is?

 

RR: I swear to Rao, I thought you were already dating.

 

SP: She likes me?!

 

RR: Oh, boy. You two are coming over to the Nest after this.

 

NW: Why me?

 

RR: Flash II has been trying to fuck you for literal years.

 

NW: No he hasn’t, I definitely would’ve noticed that. Besides, he’s married!

 

RR: Bitch, his wife is in on it. I have significant amounts of evidence.

 

NW: What?

 

RR: Give us your order or I won’t show you my files!

 

NW: Fine! You, Bats, Hood, Spoiler, Cat.

 

IN: Are we considering Catwoman a Bat now?

 

SP: Yeah, long story.

 

RR: Why the fuck am I first?

 

SP: Hate to break it to you Red, but you’re really hot.

 

NW: Yeah, it gave me a crisis.

 

RR: Well, at least that’s mutual. My parents threatened to send me to conversion therapy over you and Hood.

 

IN: *quietly, to themself* what the fuck?

 

NW: Fair’s fair. You should talk to the Titans about that sometime.

 

RR: Absolutely not.

 

NW: If we’re talking about the meta who you think wants to date me it’s only fair that we talk about the one who wants to date you!

 

IN: Tea? For me?

 

SP: *pats IN on the shoulder* He’s needed an intervention for years now.

 

RR: Shut up! No one wants to date me!

 

NW: So many people want to date you. It’s a problem. Rob inherited the adoption thing, I inherited the trauma, Hood inherited the daddy issues, and you got the oblivious sex appeal.

 

RR: *raises an eyebrow*

 

NW: Okay, maybe I got some of that too.

 

RR: Hood too.

 

NW: Okay, yeah, but we’re actively aware of people’s attraction to us.

 

RR: Unless you’re also attracted to them, then you think you’re delusional.

 

NW: *raises an eyebrow*

 

RR: Bitch.

 

NW: Point is, Superboy is in love with you.

 

RR: I—

 

SP: The cloning thing.

 

RR: Well fuck you too!

 

IN: So is the point where I should ask another question?

 

NW: Sure!

 

IN: If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

 

SP: Probably whatever Wonder Girl’s got going on. Like, most of the others have downsides and would make it easier for RR to inevitably kill me.

 

IN: Solid choice. Nightwing?

 

NW: Flight would be pretty great, or maybe super speed.

 

IN: Flight would be cool as hell. Red Robin?

 

RR: An immune system.

 

IN: ?

 

RR: Robin’s grandpa has my spleen in a jar somewhere and that’s pretty important to the immune system.

 

IN: O-oh?

 

RR: If not that, though, photosynthesis would be pretty cool, like, I’d just lay in the sun and it would make everything better. Or maybe super healing. Or straight up a green lantern ring.

 

IN: Just the healing? Not like, invulnerability?

 

RR: Nah. What does the song say? “You bleed just to know you’re alive”? Plus that would make it even more difficult for my friends inevitably have to kill me after I go evil.

 

NW: Alright, lets end this here, we have some conversations to have.

 

IN: Okay, thanks for answering my ques—holy shit where’d they go?

Chapter 2: reactions

Notes:

Written in a daze 30 min after seeing TheGreatAndPowerfulOne’s comment, enjoy

JL meeting

 

Awkward silence. That’s been the state of things since the audio file was played.

 

It had been nearly a full minute. Nobody wanted to be the one to break the silence.

 

Until Diana.

 

“Pole dancing, Batman?” She asked. It wasn’t incredulous, it was intrigued.

 

“We’ll circle back to that,” Oliver, the only one in the JL who had already known about the pole dancing (Bruce took the first class with him for his twenty-first birthday) interjected before she could take that line if thought any further. “Just how long have you been taking sex breaks during patrol? Because if Nightwing was talking that way, that’s over a decade! And you sexiled all of your children? On patrol?! Multiple times?!? You’re never allowed to slut shame me again.”

 

“I have never once ‘slut shamed’ you, Arrow. Silently judged your life choices? Yes.”

 

Oliver threw up his hands.

 

“Sorry, I just heard that the most genius of Spooky’s genius kids said he would want my powers over Supes’ and blacked out, what’s going on?” Hal asked Clark, who had been staring at Bruce, face gradually flushing.

 

Wally, who was filling in for Barry that day, was red enough that his face nearly blended in with his uniform.  Victor not-so-subtly fist bumped him under the table.

 

“Oh, right, Tim. He was trained by Lady Shiva? ” Oliver continued. “And when did he manage to lose a whole organ to Ra’s al Ghul?! Is this common knowledge?”

 

“I am aware that M’gann helped Red Robin fake being shot in the spleen the same year Batman was lost in time,  could it have been when he was unaccounted for?”

 

“You mean when the entire community decided that Red Robin was probably insane without actually examining any of his evidence and let him get mixed up with two assassin organizations?” Batman asked, unamused. “Also, was anyone else aware that Kon means abomination in Kryptonian? And just where is Impulse living these days?”

 

The awkward silence was back.

 

——

 

Titans

 

Kon had been hiding his face behind a pillow for the last fifteen minutes.

 

Bart had attempted to pull it away from him several times, but he hadn’t had much luck attempting to phase through the TTK field surrounding him.

 

“It’s not that bad,” Cassie tried to comfort him. “Everyone’s been a little in love with him at some point or another!”

 

She successfully got Kon to put down the pillow, but this comment had the unintended consequence of drawing the attention of the entire rest of the room.

 

“Got something to confess, Cassie?” Kon asked, beginning to smirk through his blush.

 

Shit.

 

Distraction, she needed a distraction…

 

“That’s not important right now, did anyone here know he could pole dance?”

 

Kon’s face was firmly back in the pillow, but Bart was eyeing her suspiciously.

 

Shit.

 

——

 

Outlaws

 

Jason’s face had gotten more and more red throughout the interview, but the worst part by far was when Tim started to describe his dancing.

 

His entire team was currently eyeing him up.

 

“I believe,” Kori began, “That we may require a demonstration.”

 

Jason covered his face with his hands.

 

——

 

Batkids

 

Damian had been the one to gather all of the batkids (bar Jason, who had disappeared from Gotham shortly after Roy had found the audio) in the media room and play the audio.

 

“Really, Drake? I have been trained from birth and you believe your training is superior?” Damian scoffed.

 

“Baby Bat,” Dick, who had been avoiding everyone’s eyes the while time, interjected, “I don’t think you want to go there.”

 

“Tt, as if the pretender—“

 

“Batcave,” Tim ordered suddenly. “If you insist on making me actually fight you, we will not be leaving a mess for Alfred.”

 

Something about his tone made Damian’s confidence falter, but it was the empathetic pat on the shoulder from Cassandra that had him doubting the wisdom in bringing it up.

 

Ten minutes later, Drake had him pinned, one knife to his carotid and several limbs out of commission from a series of well-timed nerve strikes.

 

He had, rather quickly, discovered the truth of Drake’s words, and unfortunately had another problem entirely to deal with, and from Cassandra’s expression, it was amusing her greatly.

 

Damian had never hated understanding anything about his grandfather more in his life.

Notes:

Part idk of me having no self-control and posting literally the moment i finish something<3

Notes:

Once again, new series name ideas are welcome and appreciated, because I have discovered that I am Lame and Bad At Naming Things <3

*edited 4/21 to credit iquirms’ spit in my mouth for the green lantern thing

*edited 4/25 to credit I’m pretty sure…Long Fic by PrinceJakeFireCake for the conversion therapy thing and probably other things honestly

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 5 of hypercompetent cryptid tim drake
• Part 1 of chaotic interviews