Chapter Text
The car's in reverse, I'm gripping the wheel
I'm back between villages, and everything's still.
Lottie’s foot tapped impatiently as the rain pattered on her bright red, ward-provided umbrella. She was starting to get uncomfortable from sitting on the curb for this long– the ground was freezing, and she shivered involuntarily. This cold snap was unusual for New York in mid-September.
She checked her phone for what felt like the billionth time in the fifteen minutes it had been since she’d officially been discharged, typing out yet another message to send to her mother. A sudden tap from the window behind her startled her, making her flinch.
“Everything okay?” the unit’s receptionist asked. Lottie shot her a thumbs up.
“Yeah, all good!”
Lying through your teeth already. Not a great start to freedom, Charlotte, she thought to herself before turning her attention back to her phone.
Her phone. Her sweet, glorious little piece of connection to the whole wide world. She hadn’t realized how attached she was to the thing until it was quite literally pried from her hands and locked away. The weight felt foreign now, but also freeing. She felt like she’d gotten at least some shred of her independence back.
Speaking of independence…
“No. No, don’t do it…” she muttered to herself, suddenly gripping her phone so hard she feared the screen may shatter. She willed herself to not pull up the app, to not look at the contact, to not press play every step of the way.
But it almost felt like a little “fuck you” to the past three months of her life. She was doing the one thing she really, really should not be doing.
The voicemail played.
Hey, babe. Just wanted to let you know that I’ll be at your place in five. I picked us up a pizza. And I, uh… I’m sorry. About last night. But, ah, we can talk about that later. I love you. Bye.
Her phone landed face-down on the pavement with a crack.
Fuck.
***
After a half hour of waiting on her mother with no response, Lottie ended up calling Tai. Because really, besides her mother, who else did she have?
And apparently she couldn’t even rely on her own flesh and blood anymore.
Taissa Turner was her first best friend. Her only friend, really. They had met when they were little kids with already-absent fathers who’d much rather spend their evenings in the office typing up their newest proposals than with their only children. Their fathers were business partners, and so they’d played together at their fancy grown-up events and dinners. She and Tai had grown up together, and had seen each other at their best and their worst. Lottie held Tai through her first real heartbreak, and Tai was the first person that Lottie had trusted enough to tell about her… issues. When they’d won the New Jersey girl’s varsity soccer State championship, Tai had been the first person she ran to.
Her parents hadn’t even bothered to show up.
But Tai was there. Tai was always there. Even now, even after what had happened, Lottie knew she would come. It’s what they did for each other.
She bit her lip as the line rang, fidgeting with the band on her wrist. It wasn’t the first time she’d talked to her since she was admitted– Taissa had called practically every day if she could, keeping Lottie up to date on the newest pop culture crazes, how law school was going, all the new restaurants that had popped up across the city that they’d have to try together. But there was a huge difference between hearing Tai’s voice over the phone and actually seeing her in person. Especially after-
Lottie was nervous. That was all.
One ring. Two rings. Then-
“LOT! Oh my god, you’re FREE!”
Lottie let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding as Tai’s voice rang out through the speaker.
“Well, you know me. I can’t be held.” Tai chuckled over the line, and Lottie felt her lips turning up at the sound.
“What’s going on? Are you home?”
“Uh… so about that.”
***
Tai’s car pulled up outside of the hospital less than fifteen minutes later.
“How many traffic laws did you break on your way here?” Lottie asked with a grin, grabbing her luggage and melting into Tai’s embrace. The other girl shook her head.
“Lottie Matthews. How dare you accuse me of breaking the law? I would never.” Taissa fidgeted with the latch on her car trunk before grabbing Lottie’s hand and squeezing it tight.
“I missed you,” she said, brown eyes suddenly brimming with tears. Lottie shook her head.
“Turner, we are not doing this right now. I’ve had enough feelings talk in the last three months to last me a lifetime.”
Taissa nodded, wiping the tears away before plastering a smile on her face and unlocking the car.
“Alright. Let’s get you out of here, huh?”
Lottie nodded eagerly, hopping in the passenger seat like she had done so many times before. Immediately, she began rummaging through the glove box, pilfering through the dozens of CD cases and looking at Tai confusedly when she came up empty.
“Don’t you even worry, Lot. It’s already in the player.”
Lottie dramatically put her hands to her heart, grinning.
“You know me too well.”
As the car started up, and with it, the music. Lottie began bobbing her head immediately as the first beats of Welcome To New York started blasting over the car’s speakers. She reached for the volume knob, turning it up as high as it would go while Tai pulled out of the parking lot.
“Still can’t believe you like this shit,” Tai shouted over the speakers.
“It’s Taylor, Tai. Literally no way to dislike her. And besides, I haven’t listened to good music in, like…”
“Oh, c’mon, not the guilt card,” Tai teased.
“I have earned the rights to the guilt card,” Lottie retorted, looking out the window and flipping off the old brick building that she’d had the misfortune of calling home.
“So long, fuckers!” shouted Tai.
“See ya never!”
She rolled down her window, leaning back and letting the wind hit her face despite its cold bite. It felt nice. It felt free.
She was free.
What the hell was she supposed to do now?
***
Entering her apartment for the first time in so long felt conflicting, to say the least. The space was big, too big. Always had been. Despite her parents going practically no-contact when she made the choice to major in social work instead of business, they still paid her rent and gave her access to their bank account. With paying rent, however, came the caveat that they’d selected the most extravagant, oversized one-bedroom in the entirety of New York City (because god forbid a Matthews live anywhere less than the best).
But on the other hand, the prospect of finally being able to take a shower without a nurse hovering in the doorway the whole time made it all worth it.
She rolled her suitcase through the living space and into her bedroom, flopping face-down onto her mattress and burrowing her face in the fuzzy blankets piled atop it.
“ Finally, ” she groaned, flipping Tai off when she started laughing. Lottie felt the bed dip as Taissa joined her, and she flipped over so their faces were matching.
“Feel good to be home?” Tai asked. Lottie nodded.
“ So good.” Tai nodded, smile dropping for a millisecond as she took in a breath.
“What about you? How’re you doing?” she murmured, “and don’t even think about lying to me, Matthews.”
Lottie groaned, rolling onto her back and covering her face with her hands.
“I’m fine. Seriously, you don’t need to worry about me.”
“You’re my best friend, Lot. I’m always gonna worry. And really, can you blame me?” Tai asked, sitting up. Lottie sighed in defeat.
“I know. But really, I’m okay. They have me on, like five different antidepressants. I couldn’t be more chill right now if I tried.”
“Alright, alright. I hear you. But you’ll let me know if that changes, right?”
Lottie’s eyes softened. She sat up, leaning her head on Tai’s shoulder.
“Of course I will. And it’s not gonna happen again. Seriously, I promise.” She felt Tai nod against her head.
“Good. Okay, good.”
Lottie stood up, grabbing for her suitcase and unzipping it.
“I’m gonna try to get this place cleaned up. Wanna help?”
Tai nodded, moving towards Lottie’s closet and grabbing some hangers.
“So… you got any plans for tonight?” she mused. Lottie eyed her suspiciously.
“Oh, yeah, because I have such a raging social life and am totally booked up on a Tuesday night. Why? What’re you thinking?” she questioned as she pulled out a pair of jeans from her bag, folding them neatly before moving onto the next item.
“Allie’s having a going away party tonight over at Piano’s. I was invited, so by extension, you were too.”
Lottie shot her a look.
“Tai, we hate Allie. You hate Allie. Are we suddenly pretending like you didn’t try to get her kicked off the team, like, a billion times?”
“Exactly,” she replied, smirking. “That’s while I’ll be celebrating her finally going away with an open bar and karaoke.”
Lottie playfully shoved her, laughing.
“Unfortunately, you cannot tempt me with an open bar this time around. I’m not exactly supposed to be drinking right now, remember?”
“But karaoke! And besides, it’ll be good for you to get out. Meet a pretty girl, maybe?”
“Once again, pretty girls are currently on the no-no list. Nice try, though,” Lottie conceded, folding up her last t-shirt and moving into the closet. She heard Tai groan from her spot on the bedroom floor.
“Please, Lot? It’ll be fun, I promise.”
Against better judgment, Lottie stuck her head out the door, and was immediately assaulted by Tai’s puppy dog eyes. She groaned, looking away.
“Alright, alright. I’ll think about it.”
***
Two hours later, she was dressed in a sweater and jeans, makeup applied to her face for the first time in months. She groaned to herself as Tai pulled her through the front door of the bar. Her ears were immediately assaulted by the sound of drunk twenty-somethings belting Michael Jackson on karaoke.
“Do you even know anybody here besides Allie?” Lottie practically yelled over the commotion.
“Nope! But we’re gonna know them by the end of the night!”
And suddenly, Lottie was really regretting saying yes to coming.
The woman of the night– Allie Stevens– was over by the bar, obnoxiously flirting with the bartender. Tai led them as far away from her as she could, over to a large booth facing the karaoke stage. A redhead and bleach blonde duo were up there at the moment. The taller of the two– the redhead– was very enthusiastically singing the words to “Wonderwall”, and had clearly forced the other one up there. Lottie couldn’t help but laugh at the scene.
“I’m gonna go grab a drink. Want anything?” Tai shouted, the obnoxious singing making it hard to hear.
“Just a water,” she replied, sitting back and watching the pseudo-show. She took some deep breaths, doing her best to relax. The place was pretty well lit for a bar, which she appreciated. There were definitely a good number of people there– on one hand, that shocked her, because to her knowledge, nobody actually liked Allie. But on the other hand, an open bar is an open bar. She didn’t know many, if any, twenty-something year olds that would refuse that offer.
The song was winding down by the time Tai made her way back over with their drinks. The blonde sat down two places away from Lottie, but the redhead stayed up, going for a rendition of “What Is Love?” this time around. Lottie sipped on her water, noticing Tai’s eyes lingering on the performer.
“You know what? I think I’m gonna go join in,” she told Lottie. “You okay here?”
Lottie nodded, perhaps a little too enthusiastically to be convincing, but Tai was too eager to notice. While she certainly did enjoy watching Tai unceremoniously join the redheaded stranger on stage and belt the chorus ridiculously out of key, (seriously, to the point where Lottie was convinced she had to be intentionally trying to sound bad), she felt her chest constrict slightly with the lack of solid presence next to her.
Instinctually, her hand found her hospital bracelet, and she twisted it around, feeling the way the sharp plastic rubbed against her fingertips. The touch grounded her as she watched the performance, focusing on watching Tai flirt via karaoke.
“Hey, you good?” a voice asked. Lottie turned to find the source. It was the bleach blonde from earlier, and she was scooting over to where Lottie was sitting.
“What?” she asked, eyeing the girl. She was clad in a black leather jacket, baggy jeans, and worn-down Dr. Martens. Lottie leaned closer, trying to hear over the noise of the bar.
“I said, ‘you good’?”
“Yeah, I’m good. You?” she shot back, a shy smile on her face.
“Yeah. Oh, yeah. You gonna sing?” she asked, gesturing to where Tai and her mystery duet partner were back to back, giving the last chorus a strong finish.
“Um, absolutely not. Are you gonna?”
Lottie, you idiot, you literally just watched her sing , she internally scolded herself. The other girl laughed regardless.
“Oh, yeah, I just love karaoke so much. I already went, first in line, definitely on my own free will and not at all by force.”
“Wow. Bold,” she teased as the blonde moved even closer.
“Yeah, well, I really like karaoke,” she retorted, shifting her gaze down to where Lottie’s hands were fidgeting with her bracelet. “Did you, uh, just get out of an institution?”
Lottie’s breath caught momentarily, and she did her best to maintain her expression. If only she knew.
“Uh… yeah, yeah.” She tried her best to make it sound like she was just joking along with the other girl. No need to spill her guts moments after meeting someone.
“Woah, oh shit. Like an asylum?”
“Yeah, exactly.”
“Oh no!” she jokingly gasped. Lottie shook her head, chuckling.
“I’m Lottie. I, uh, just got out of the hospital.”
“Nice to meet you, Lottie. I’m Natalie. I just got out of a jail.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I swear to god.”
Lottie rolled her eyes, but Natalie was either dead serious or super committed to the bit.
“I feel like you’re lying.”
“No, I swear, I just got out a few hours ago. This is the first place I went.”
“What did you do?”
Natalie’s head swiveled, and Lottie raised her eyebrows.
“Okay, nobody’s looking, so I’m gonna tell you. I was really drunk on my friend’s balcony and I had a bottle of fireball. And then the bottle of fireball was on fire. And then threw the flaming bottle and it hit a cop car. But it was an accident!”
Lottie couldn’t help herself as she burst out laughing.
“On a cop car ? How is that an accident?”
“Ah, it’s a long story.”
Finally, the song winded down, and Tai and her new friend were met with an enthusiastic round of applause.
“That’s my roommate, Van. They’re quite into this kinda stuff, if you couldn’t tell.”
“My best friend, Tai. She is definitively not into this kind of stuff, but is for sure into your roommate.”
“I’m pretty sure my roommate feels similarly,” Natalie responded, looking over at where the two were now seated at the bar. Lottie watched as her eyes drifted slightly to the left, causing her face to drop.
“Uh, I actually think I’m gonna head out. I’m kinda hungry. Are you hungry?” she rushed out, moving to stand. Lottie paused momentarily, looking over to see if she could figure out the cause of Natalie’s sudden change.
“Um, yeah, I could eat,” she supplied, eyebrows furrowed as Natalie adjusted her jacket and turned her back to the bar.
“I was thinking, there’s a Thai food place just down the block from here. Do you like Thai food?”
“Yeah, Thai’s great, sure,” Lottie said, standing up and following Natalie’s lead. “Hey, Tai!” she yelled over to her friend at the bar. Taissa looked over at Lottie in concern. “I’m gonna go with this, uh, random stranger to grab dinner?”
“Yeah, sure, I guess I’m fine with you following a random stranger out into the streets of New York. Are you good?” her friend called back. Lottie nodded, turning around to catch up with Natalie.
“Yeah, I’m good!”
And with that, she stepped out into the cool night air.
As they walked, she found herself focusing on the several layers of hoop earrings adorning Natalie’s cartilage, going up in a neat line. She was positive the other girl must have noticed her staring, but she didn’t say anything.
“Have you been to this place yet? It’s new, just opened a couple months ago,” Natalie asked as they rounded a corner and approached the flashy building. “I know it looks like a tourist trap, but it’s seriously good.”
Lottie shook her head, entering the space as Nat held the door open for her.
“No, I haven’t,” she replied, scanning her eyes over the menu. It was futile, she knew– Lottie was a creature of habit, and her go-to was Pad Thai and gyoza. She relayed this over to Nat, who ordered for the two of them while Lottie snagged a table. A couple sat in the booth to her left, deep in conversation, but other than that, the place was pretty empty. Natalie waltzed over to their spot a few moments later, ice waters in hand.
“So. What’s Lottie short for?” Natalie asked, taking a seat.
“Charlotte,” Lottie responded, pronouncing her formal name in a poorly-imitated British accent. Natalie snorted.
“How fancy. I can see why you prefer Lottie.”
“Yeah, well, that’s my parents for you. They refuse to call me any variation of it.”
Natalie winced.
“Damn, they sound like real charmers.” Lottie laughed.
“What about you? What’re your folks like?”
She regretted asking the question almost immediately as Natalie’s expression fell for a second. She recovered quickly though, and Lottie could tell she wasn’t intended to see the slip.
“It’s just me and my mom. She’s… we have an interesting relationship, I guess. It’s been better recently.”
Lottie nodded sympathetically. She knew a thing or two about complicated maternal relationships.
“Can’t say I’ve ever done this before,” Lottie said as a waiter brought their meals over. Immediately, Lottie reached for a gyoza, biting into the savory food.
“What? Gotten Thai food?”
Lottie rolled her eyes.
“Gotten Thai food with a person I met less than ten minutes ago.”
Natalie nodded, laughing slightly.
“Can’t say I’ve ever done this either. But hey, first time for everything, right?” she hesitated, looking around for a second before continuing, “I, uh, saw my ex back there. We kinda broke up, like, today. So.”
“Mmm. Jail and a breakup? And I thought I was having a rough day,” Lottie supplied. Natalie chuckled.
“Yeah, definitely not ideal.”
“So, Natalie who just got out of jail and broke it off with her boyfriend, what do you do for a living?”
Natalie took a second to grab a bite of her Pad Thai before responding.
“I’m in A&R for a local indie label. I used to be in this local band, and we were… well, we were kinda good, to be honest. But it fell apart, and we all turned into assholes. Except for Van. I don’t think they could be an asshole if they tried. Anyways, now I just listen to other assholes complain about how their bands are falling apart.”
“Wait, what band were you in?” Lottie asked, curious. Growing up, she and Tai had spent a lot of time at local concerts. For Lottie, it was an escape from her too-big, too-empty house.
“Oh, you probably never heard of us, we only had like, one semi-big song. We were the Yellowjackets,” Natalie responded. Lottie gasped.
“No way! I loved the Yellowjackets!” she exclaimed. “You guys were, like, totally 2017 Brooklyn gold. That’s so cool, do you still play?”
Once again, Natalie’s features dimmed, but she played it off.
“Not so much, anymore. Kinda lost its appeal after a while… stopped being fun.”
Lottie hummed in understanding as Natalie changed the subject.
“So, how’d you end up at Allie’s thing?” she asked.
“Me and Tai played soccer with her in undergrad. I’m not her biggest fan, to be honest, but Tai kinda forced me. I haven’t gotten out much recently.”
“Ohhh, right. ‘Cause of the asylum?” Natalie jabbed. Lottie nodded, looking at her bracelet and smiling.
“Yeah, okay,” she responded, and Natalie playfully rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, sure, just don’t tell me and leave me hanging here. That’s fine,” she teased.
“Hey, I literally just met you, like…” she paused, looking at her watch, “half an hour ago.”
“Yeah, well, I feel like I already know you,” Nat said nonchalantly. And, well, Lottie couldn’t argue with that. There was a reason Tai was her only real friend– she’d always had this emotional wall that she put up, never allowing other people over it. It made for a pretty difficult time getting to know somebody.
But with Natalie? This was different. She could already tell. She’d known this girl for less than an hour and already she felt like she could spill her guts about anything, everything, and be met with nothing but compassion.
It was new. It was exciting. It was terrifying.
“Maybe you should spend, like, three hours with me before you start thinking that,” Lottie responded. Natalie nodded seriously.
“Yeah, you bring up a good point. For all I know, you could be a podcast listener.”
Lottie’s silence must have given her away, because Natalie let out a gasp.
“ No . Tell me I did not just buy Thai Food for a podcast listener.”
“Yeah, sorry to break it to you. What can I say? Listening to other people drone on and on about their lives and issues kinda distracts me from listening to my own head.”
Natalie raised her eyebrows.
“That is a very self-aware and insane answer.”
“Yeah, well, fuck-ton of therapy. But anyways, it could be worse. Instead of being into podcasts, I could be into… I dunno, musicals or some shit.”
Natalie averted her eyes guiltily, scratching her head. Lottie let out a gasp.
“Natalie, please tell me you are not a musical enjoyer.”
***
Somewhere between the three thousand questions asked and answered,
( Lottie learned that Natalie’s favorite number was seven, and that she’d had a pet guinea pig named Elvis when she was little, and that she almost flunked out of middle school. Natalie learned that Lottie’s favorite color was heliotrope, not purple, that she’d gone to school at NYU for social work, and that once when she was four, she threw a tantrum and refused to leave the house because her mom wouldn’t let her wear a princess dress-up costume.)
the two ended up back on the street as Lottie led them over to her apartment.
“And then, all of the sudden, this little ball of fur comes flying out of the trashcan and literally slams into the door and we realize it’s a kitten, not a raccoon-” Natalie regales, but as they approach Lottie’s door, she starts paying less and less attention.
Because the attraction between her and Natalie was obvious, painfully so. She’d felt it in the ways that Natalie’s hand continuously found a way to migrate towards hers, and in the way their shoulders bumped together when walking side by side. She could feel Natalie’s eyes lingering on her body when she wasn’t looking, and she wasn’t mad about it. Not at all.
Damn outpatient program and its stupid rules.
“So of course we keep the dumb thing,” Natalie finishes up as they walk up Lottie’s front steps. “Named it Opossum. A stupid name for a stupid cat.”
“I… just have to make something clear,” Lottie interjected, words flying out of her mouth before she had time to think them through.
“You don’t like cats?”
“I can’t have sex with you.”
There was a bit of an awkward pause, and Lottie kicked herself mentally, brain spinning with what to say.
“I mean. Not that I don’t want to. And not that I’m assuming you want to, either, ‘cause that would be shitty of me, but I’m kinda getting that vibe here, and it’s only that I literally just got out of the hospital, uh, kinda like this brain rehab thing, and now I have to follow this program, and one of the things they say is no dating in the first year outpatient. And again, not assuming that you want to date me, because just having sex is a completely fine and normal thing that people do and that’s great! Really! It’s just that science stuff has shown that relapses are a lot more common if you date in the first year so… yeah.”
She trailed off, looking up nervously, absolutely positive that her cheeks were blushing something furious. But much to her surprise, Natalie just looked amused.
“Hey, it’s chill. I don’t have to come up.”
Lottie looked at her fully, lips turning up into a smile as she sighed in relief.
“Thanks.”