The Most Private Hotel In England

by cruisedirector, Dementordelta

Summary:

Harry and Severus take a much-needed vacation away from everything...or at least they try.

Notes:

Written for the Severus Big Bang Birthday Bash. We set this fic at the Holbeck Ghyll Country House Hotel on Lake Windermere in Cumbria. We cannot, however, guarantee that they cater to wizards.

Chapter 1

"Finally," Harry said happily, brushing off grass as he bounded to his feet. It hadn't been the most graceful of landings, but the bent umbrella they'd been using for a Portkey had remained intact, and Severus had done a better job than Harry of keeping his balance as they hit the ground.

"The train would have been more comfortable," chided Severus, reaching out a hand to steady him, though he was looking past Harry at wild green hillsides and the calm blue lake.

"Takes too long. And not as private." Harry grinned. "We might not have been the only wizards masquerading as Muggles. The last thing I want on my honeymoon is to be recognized."

Even Severus was smiling as they turned toward the country house towering atop the hill on which they were standing. "I just hope you're right about this being the most private hotel in all of England," he said. "I was beginning to think we'd have to go to Buenos Aires to get away from our throngs of admirers...and your friends."

Laughing, Harry hefted the small bag charmed to hold a week's worth of clothing, toiletries, sunscreen potions, and his Invisibility Cloak. His friends meant to be helpful, but even someone as clever as Hermione wasn't always clever enough to make herself scarce when all Harry wanted was to be alone with Severus. He'd been quite certain they would need the Invisibility Cloak when they rented a boat; having never been in the Lake District before, he wasn't about to pass up the opportunity to make love while rocking on the peaceful water.

It was bad enough they'd had to keep the actual marriage ceremony fiercely private, attended only by the people they trusted the most. They also hadn't been able to slip away to anywhere isolated enough to have a honeymoon until now. Harry had done all the research himself to find a secluded spot, not even asking Hermione's advice, because he wanted to be able to leave the wizarding world for a while. Once, he never would have believed himself the sort to fancy romantic trappings. He'd always been uncomfortable with hearts and flowers, and trying to figure out something romantic to say that didn't sound as though he'd read it from the inside of a card was more like torture. Until he'd fallen in love with Severus -- it was easy to be romantic with him because all they had to do was look at each other and they would end up shagging for days. At least it felt like it, anyway.

They were on a gravel path bordered by lush ornamental shrubs. Off to the left was a hedgerow through which Harry could see the drive leading up to the front of the old hunting lodge that had been turned into a romantic getaway. To the right was a breathtaking view of Lake Windermere, with trees clustered around the far shore. As far as Harry could see, there wasn't another hotel or residence in sight.

Setting off up the path, he couldn't help letting the atmosphere sink in. They'd both needed to get away -- even after the Dark Lord's defeat there had been the matter of clearing Severus's name. Severus had found -- to his surprise, Harry thought -- that he was considered a hero and his opinions and advice had been much sought after in certain quarters. "It's just as beautiful as the brochure promised," Harry said, breathing in the scent of pines and cedars and the brief scent of roses as they rounded a curve in the path that broadened as the hotel itself came into full view.

"I hope you didn't decide on the Miss Potter Suite," Severus returned, but Harry noticed he too seemed entranced by the view of the graceful old lodge, with its jumble of peaked roofs and assortment of curved windows. "I think that would be calling attention to ourselves."

Harry laughed again as they approached the wide porch with its discreet registration sign. "No, but I did get us one with a private balcony and a big bay window."

"As long as there's a big bed," Severus replied softly, holding the door for him. They made their way to the desk, where Severus announced them: "Mr. Evans and Mr. Prince."

They were greeted politely but perfunctorily -- evidently the Muggle clerks and concierges had no idea who they were, which was exactly as Harry had hoped it would be. Whoever had booked the Miss Potter Suite, named for a Muggle children's author with whom Harry had only the vaguest acquaintance, had evidently left an enormous tip. The staff was still buzzing about it.

"I hope it's some famous Muggle in that suite," Harry whispered to Severus. "Means everyone else's attention will be on them instead of us."

Severus wrinkled his nose faintly. "I hope there are no celebrities anywhere in the vicinity. I would prefer to avoid the attention of both Fleet Street and the Daily Prophet."

Grinning, Harry glanced around the lobby. "I don't think you have to worry about the Daily Prophet here. I doubt if any other wizard has ever stayed here..." His voice trailed off as he caught a glimpse of a couple entering the oak paneled restaurant facing the lake. The man had long blond hair, and the woman...well, that was a silly thought. It wasn't as if the Malfoys would have been caught dead in a Muggle hotel, not even one so luxurious as this. "At least, the odds of any wizard being here now are astronomical," he amended.

Just then the boy who had collected their bags approached to gesture that they should follow him. "Finally we shall enjoy some of this legendary privacy," muttered Severus, and Harry smiled at him.

But the bellboy didn't seem to be the quickest Acromantula in the web. First he led them down the wrong corridor, asking apologetically that they turn around, and then he didn't seem to be able to find the correct key for their room. When, finally, he pushed the door open, Harry and Severus were met with two amazing sights. One was the view of the Lake District beyond the terrace outside the enormous bay windows. The other was the view of the half-undressed couple sprawled on the large couch below the sill.

"Ginny!" Harry gasped, as the identity of at least one of the amorous couple slammed into him. "What are you doing here?"

But the shock had only barely begun to sink in when her companion raised his head and gave Harry another one. Beside him, he heard Severus suck in a breath. "Draco?" he asked, sounding equally horrified.

Ginny recovered first, sitting up and straightening her unbuttoned blouse. "What are you doing in my suite?" she demanded.

Having no answer, Harry glanced at the bellboy. "The Rose Room," he muttered.

"This is not the Rose Room, you imbecile," Draco spat, tugging his flies together. "Can't you see that all the furnishings are green? Now get out of here, all of you!" At Severus's raised eyebrow, he amended, "Er, nice to see you, sir, very grateful for your testimony at the Ministry, have a lovely holiday. Goodbye."

Shaking his head, Severus said in evident wonder, "Draco, I would have testified before the Wizengamot that you were gay."

Behind them the hapless bellboy made a strangled noise and one of their pieces of luggage hit the elegant hardwood floor. "Er," Draco began, glancing at Ginny before looking back at Severus. "Whatever you've heard was just common room gossip," he said hotly.

Ginny, looking outraged, swung her legs off the edge of the overly floral sofa. "How on earth did you find this place, Harry? It's completely isolated from --" She looked over his shoulder at the hovering bellboy. "From, you know, certain types."

"Certain types need to get away as much as other people," Harry replied. Draco, now properly buttoned, reached for the open door of their suite, apparently about to shut it in their faces.

"So you'll understand why we won't ask you in," Draco said, starting to close the door.

"Like we'd even want --" Harry began as he felt a hand on his shoulder. Severus was none too gently pulling him back from the rapidly closing door.

"I have no desire to begin my married life mending a broken nose," he said softly into Harry's ear. In the time it had taken for Harry to look up at his husband, the door has closed with a firm click.

"How do you like that?" Harry said, as the bellboy collected the fallen bag and led them down the hall to the proper room. "Who knew the pointy little git even liked girls?" Severus, despite his own slip earlier, put one finger to his lips, indicating the bellboy who was at last fitting the key into a suite at the opposite end of the hall. For a moment, all three of them seem united in silent accord until it was revealed that the room was indeed unoccupied.

With a barely concealed sigh of relief, the bellboy preceded them into the lushly appointed Rose Room and set their luggage down. Harry pulled out his wallet and slid a tip into the outstretched hand, since the bellboy seemed quite anxious to get out of there.

"I can't help but notice that you're more concerned with Mr. Malfoy's presence than Miss Weasley's," Severus said, once the door of the suite had closed behind him.

For a moment Harry's mouth just hung open. "Draco's with Ginny?" he spluttered, as if just putting their half-dressed state together with their obvious intimacy in the romantic bedroom. He began to laugh, letting himself be pulled easily into Severus's arms. "Oh god, I don't know who to feel the most sorry for."

"Us," Severus said, though he was snickering as well. "I would prefer to have that image Obliviated."

"Not as much as Lucius Malfoy will when he finds out." Harry was still grinning, shuffling Severus toward the bed, leaving their bags forgotten on the floor and ignoring the stunning view over the terrace windows. "Or Arthur Weasley. There might be another Wizarding war."

"Which will not be our problem." Severus kissed him, kicking his shoes to the side, hands reaching to unbutton Harry's trousers. "Any additional crises in our world will have to work themselves out while we are enjoying the most private hotel in..."

There was a pounding on the door.

"Fuck," groaned Harry and Severus together.

Severus glanced down at Harry's partially undressed state and gestured toward the door, adding, "Let me take care of this." Harry walked behind one of the large cushioned chairs, tugging his trousers back up and hoping it wasn't Ginny or Draco coming to explain.

When Severus opened the door, however, the concierge greeted him and began to apologize profusely for the bellboy's error, stepping inside before Severus could nod and slam the door in his face. From his glimpse of Severus's expression, Harry became a bit nervous that he was about to draw his wand. The concierge must have sensed his mood as well, because he quickly added, "We wish to invite you to dine in our Michelin Star restaurant. We will cover the cost of your meal."

Harry wasn't certain what the Michelin Star meant, but he was pretty sure it was a Muggle prize. And he knew from having researched the hotel that this was a generous offer -- more than the cost of a night's stay. And, he had to admit, he was hungry. "Dinner sounds good," he confessed.

"You realize that they probably made the same offer to Mr. Malfoy and Miss Weasley," grumbled Severus.

"I'm afraid that the other couple was indisposed," the concierge said with a small cough.

"I suppose a meal before we begin to...see the sights..."

While the concierge was facing Severus, Harry glanced down at Severus's groin, letting him know the only sight he wanted to see but he shrugged to let him know he didn't mind eating first. They had the rest of their lives. And it wasn't as though this was their first night of married life. Severus had been living with Harry practically from the moment they'd first discovered they didn't hate each quite as much as they had in school. A honeymoon was a honeymoon, and it couldn't hurt to have a romantic dinner together.

The concierge was smiling, obviously relieved that they weren't going to make a fuss. He even made a dismissive gesture when Severus reached into his pocket. "Oh no, sir, please," he said, allowing Severus to guide him toward the door, "We'll expect you downstairs."

When the door was shut at last, Harry came out from behind the chair, dutifully done up and no longer aroused. Well, at least no longer as aroused. "I'm starved," he admitted. "I was so busy packing and checking last-minute details, that I haven't eaten since breakfast."

One dark eyebrow arched. "You mean because you insisted that it was good luck to start a honeymoon trip by making love in the shower," said Severus, but he didn't really look put out. "I'm hungry too." They changed quickly into something a bit less travel-worn and followed the discreetly placed signs down to the terrace restaurant.

They stopped on the landing of the heavy stone staircase, gazing out of the window at the sweeping view of the lake. There was someone heading down the path toward the lake with a peculiar implement over his shoulder, sort of like a hoe but with a set of spiked claws around the digging part. For a moment, something about the figure was familiar and Harry turned to Severus, taking his eyes off the figure for just a moment.

"Is that --" he began but by the time he'd turned back to the window, the figure was gone.

"Hmmm?" Severus said, his shoulder leaning very close to Harry's.

"Never mind," Harry said, peering into the thick glass once more before turning away. It must have been his imagination.

They were given a cozy table by the window, again with a stunning view of Lake Windermere. Dinner began with Scottish scallops and a bottle of French wine, which seemed auspicious. Unfortunately, it seemed less auspicious when the pair of birds Harry spotted soaring over the lake began to look suspiciously like two people flying on brooms.

Severus followed his gaze, squinting. "Please tell me that that is not George Weasley."

Harry was about to say that it couldn't be when one of the brooms dove in a showy maneuver toward the water, quickly followed by the other. "I think it is," he sighed. "And Angelina Johnson." He'd watched Angelina play Quidditch often enough to be familiar with her moves.

"I hope you remembered that cloak of yours, or we may never leave our room after this meal," grumbled Severus.

"There are plenty of other hotels in the area -- I'm sure they aren't staying here," Harry said optimistically. "Anyway, what are the odds that Ginny and George would end up in the same hotel? You'd think the..."

"Severus!" The exclamation had come from behind them. Harry's heart sank further as he turned to look.

"Professor McGonagall," he said with a feeble smile.

"And Mr. Potter, how delightful to see you." Minerva McGonagall did, indeed, look happy to have spotted someone she knew.

The same could not be said for Severus, who looked as though he'd just found a doxy in his truffle risotto. "I thought you always took your holidays on Skye," he said.

"I thought I would try something different this year. I was invited by a...friend." A small, secretive smile crossed McGonagall's face. Though Harry most sincerely did not want to think about what might have put it there, he hoped that this friend desired privacy as much as Harry and Severus did, particularly right at this moment. "In fact, I can't stay -- I only came to see the famous restaurant, and then I spotted you here."

"It was very nice of you to come say hello." Harry hoped he sounded sincere.

"Yes, enjoy your holiday, Minerva." Severus stabbed his fork into a scallop. Harry wiggled back up in his seat as McGonagall waved cheerily and strode back the way she had come, straining as Severus mumbled, "Most private hotel my arse."

"I can't help it if we've run into a few --"

"Few? You mean a veritable Hogwarts reunion here in the Lake Country," Severus said, definitely sounding irritated now. Harry checked the tablecloth to make sure it was long enough to reach to the floor before he toed off one shoe and rubbed his foot along Severus's leg. Severus shot him a glare, scooting his leg away from Harry's foot. "Don't try to be charming," he sniffed, reaching for his wine glass. Harry watched him take a sip before trying his foot again. "Potter," Severus said, narrowing his eyes.

"Yes, Professor?" Harry said, dropping his foot voluntarily this time and taking several bites of something that tasted like ashes in his mouth.

"Just exactly how did you hear about this place?" asked Severus.

Since they were -- at least for now -- not snarling at each other, Harry considered the question. "There was this brochure," he recalled, pushing aside the no-doubt perfectly prepared asparagus, something he'd never cared for.

"Yes?" prompted Severus, starting slightly when a shadow crossed their table. It was, however, just the waiter with their main courses, depositing two plates of venison loin that looked as though they were falling succulently off the bone. "Where did you get it?"

"I --" A frown crossed his forehead. "I don't remember," he admitted. Severus opened his mouth to say something, no doubt about the vagaries of Gryffindors but Harry rushed in to defend himself. "But I looked it up myself after I read the brochure," he said. True to his expectations, the venison sliced with just the merest suggestion of a knife touching it. "It's in all the guide books." Against his expectations, Harry felt a soft brush against his own leg, Severus's toes sliding over his ankle.

"Well, perhaps a few familiar faces won't mar our enjoyment of the lake," Severus admitted, turning his own attention to the venison. With Severus's toes wiggling against his foot, Harry had to force himself to concentrate on his own meal.

"Miles and miles of empty countryside," he agreed, forking up one of the flaky bits of herbed spaetzle, "not to mention all that water." Severus's foot had found Harry's socked one, rubbing along his instep. "And I brought my cloak," he added softly, making sure there were no hovering waiters.

Severus had just opened his mouth to reply, and judging by the warmth in his eyes, it was something Harry wanted to hear, when the lights overhead, and indeed apparently out in the lobby, flickered several times and then went out. Distressed murmurs went through the diners, but there were candles in elegant glass votives that provided enough light with which to see, particularly with the dusk still illuminating the lake out the window.

Harry looked over the flicker of the candle, not minding that the candlelight softened the lines of Severus's features. He leaned over and whispered, "Did you do that?"

From somewhere nearby, Harry heard a soft pop. The table jostled and a quavering voice from underneath it said, "No, I did." Harry felt the blood draining out of his face. Looking over at Severus, he realized Severus had gone pale as well. As one they lifted the tablecloth up and peered into the murky gloom beneath.

"Longbottom?" Severus growled.

"Neville?" asked Harry as he realized the figure huddled under their table was his friend. Or, if Severus's expression was anything to go by, his about-to-be-hexed friend. "What are you doing?"

"Hullo," Neville said, glancing quickly from Severus to Harry, looking as uneasy as he had in Potions class when he'd known Professor Snape was about to ridicule him. "Sorry to interrupt your dinner, but when I realized you were here, I knew you were the perfect wizards to help. There's a bit of a situation with Professor Sprout..."

If possible, Severus's glower grew even more fierce. "We're here on holiday, Neville," Harry said, striving to keep his voice level while at the same time making himself very clear. "We came here because we didn't expect to see any other wizards. Whatever is happening with Professor Sprout, I'm sure someone at Hogwarts can take care of it."

"But Professor Sprout is here," Neville said.

"Here...in the Lake District?" asked Severus. "Surely you don't mean at this hotel?" The electric lights in the room all sprang back on. Several couples at nearby tables cheered and clapped.

"I didn't know she was in the hotel until just a couple of hours ago!" Neville whimpered, cowering near the back legs of the table. "I saw her down at the lake..."

"Wait a minute," interrupted Harry. "Why are you visiting Lake Windermere?"

"I came with a...friend. We thought we would try something different this year." Blushing, Neville bit his lip, and Harry glanced at Severus, seeing his own horrified suspicion echoed in Severus's expression. "Anyway, that's not what's important. What's important is that Professor Sprout and Professor Slughorn were..."

"Slughorn is here?" Severus barked, pushing his venison away. "I believe I shall go to Hogsmeade. It seems less likely that I will encounter anyone I know there than here."

Harry had to agree that this trip was rapidly becoming a nightmare, but Severus's temper wasn't helping matters. "Just wait a minute," he said irritably. "Neville, get out from under there. Whatever they were doing is not our business, do you understand?"

"Even if they were potentially harvesting illegal..."

"Not. Our. Business." Harry jerked an exasperated thumb at Neville, who scooted quickly out from under the table. "If you think there's a real problem, ask Professor McGonagall -- we saw her just a few minutes ago. We are on holiday."

"Sorry," Neville said meekly, backing away from their table and stumbling into a waiter carrying a tray of appetizers. The waiter and the tray went flying in opposite directions, as did the appetizers. Neville turned to the waiter to apologize, and Harry turned back to Severus.

"I have no idea how this happened. Look at the brochure in the lobby -- it says that this is reputed to be the most private hotel in..."

Severus was rolling his eyes. "Let's just finish this disaster of a meal and go back to our room before we discover that the Plenipotentiary Session of the Wizengamot has decided to convene on the terrace."

Harry knew that tone of voice. It meant the possibility of sex later was decreasing with each stab of Severus's fork. Desperately Harry clenched his wand under the table and levitated as many appetizers back onto the spilled tray as he could get away with without arousing suspicion. Then he slid out of his chair and knelt down, pretending to help Neville, who was, despite the horrified waiter trying to dissuade him, trying to scoop dainty amuse bouches back onto the platter.

"Look, Neville," Harry said, leaning close enough to not be overheard. "Severus and I are --"

"On holiday, I know," Neville said, peering at something that looked like an olive wrapped in flaky pastry, "I said I was so --"

"Not just on holiday," Harry whispered urgently, "You know we got married a few weeks ago and we haven't had time for --"

"Honeymoon?" Neville burst out, sending more olives scattering. "Oh God, I'm really, really --"

"Sorry, I know," Harry said, gesturing for Neville to keep his voice down. "It's just that we don't want anyone to know. You know how Sev -- Professor Snape is about having anyone make a fuss."

Neville nodded thoughtfully and Harry realized he'd forgotten that Neville liked to eat when he was thinking. He took an absent bite of the olive. Behind them the waiter looked like he was about to swoon. "Do I ever," said Neville feelingly. "Remember that time he got the Order of --" Neville gulped, staring over Harry's shoulder as all the blood seemed to drain from his face. "Merlin," he finished weakly.

"He's staring at us, isn't he?" Harry asked with a sigh.

Mutely Neville nodded, finishing off the olive and reaching for another despite the fact that it had been scooped off the floor.

"And scowling?" Again Neville nodded. Harry had a sudden vivid image of himself lying in bed while Severus turned the key in a chastity belt.

"More like growling, really," Neville decided, waving the olive fragment between them. "Like a bear. Or a really angry wolverine."

"I'd better go," sighed Harry and Neville nodded his agreement. Dusting himself off, Harry slid back behind the table, ignoring the waiter's now frantic attempts to pry an herb-encrusted olive out of Neville's fingers.

"Enjoy yourself?" Severus said in an overly honeyed voice.

"What? Oh, just um, helping Neville. Housemates and all that." He tried to forestall any more questions by forking up more of the now-chilling venison.

"Run into any more housemates while you were down there?" Severus asked, the sweetness in his voice sending cascades of ice into Harry's blood. He shook his head once. "Former professors?" Harry shook his head again. "Ghosts, perhaps? Or deceased Dark Lords?"

Harry could almost feel the clamp of the chastity belt closing around his groin. "I was just trying to --"

"To help, I know," replied Severus, rolling his eyes before snapping out, "Longbottom!" Half the room froze in terror; somewhere a fork clattered onto a plate. "Stop eating those. You don't know where they've been."

"I'll bring you a fresh plate," the waiter interjected, hustling Neville to a table. Harry breathed a sigh of relief.

"I have a new plan for our holiday," Severus announced in a voice that was no less intimidating for its softness. "After this meal, we will return to our room, and we will eat the remainder of our meals en suite."

"What about seeing the lake?" Harry asked.

"That lake?" With a gesture Severus indicated the window. "I believe the view upstairs is just as impressive."

"But I thought we were going to take a romantic boat ride." Harry waggled his eyebrows.

"Undoubtedly our boat would be rammed by a professional Quidditch team. It would seem that we would be less likely to encounter another wizard on the lake at Hogsmeade than here at Windermere."

Harry was about to object when he was interrupted by shrieks and exclamations from other diners, followed by quite a bit of pointing and rushing at the window as people shouted, "Fire! It's on fire!" A quick glance past the terrace confirmed that, in fact, the dusky air was filling with smoke.

After a quick glower in Harry's direction, Severus, too, rose and walked to the window with Harry following. Indeed, one of the small lodges appeared to be burning. What was most peculiar was the fact that this particular lodge appeared to be made entirely of stone. "That can't be natural," muttered Severus.

"Maybe it's McGonagall -- she found out Draco was in the hotel and wanted to be sure he stayed away," Harry speculated hopefully.

A moment later, however, his hopes were dashed as several entirely-too-familiar figures raced into view. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT, WEASLEY!" shouted Lucius Malfoy so loudly that he could be heard through the glass.

"THAT'S MY LODGE!" Arthur Weasley was shouting in turn. "I PAID FOR IT!" Molly was only one step behind him, brandishing her wand and looking as though she expected to use it.

Harry was envisioning being grasped by the wrist and marched upstairs for some punishment he couldn't begin to imagine when he heard an unexpected sound. Severus was laughing. He sat down hard on his chair, eyes wide in astonishment. He could only stare when Severus reached out blindly for a napkin. Wordlessly Harry pushed one into his grasp.

"Of course Lucius would be here," Severus managed at last, daubing at his eyes with the napkin. "Now if only the ghost of --"

"Shhhh!" Harry said, looking around nervously. "Don't invite trouble."

"I was going to say if the ghost of Merlin himself would drop by the party would be complete," Severus said, and for a moment it looked frighteningly enough like he was going to dissolve into giggles again.

"Shouldn't we..." Harry began, only to find himself under the weight of Severus's bemused stare, "...you know, do something?"

There was a sudden clap of thunder outside and a heavy patter of rain -- oddly enough, no doubt, to the observing Muggles -- fell only on the burning lodge. Severus leaned over, as if to impart a great secret. Harry leaned in closer, half dreading what Severus was going to say. "I know this will come as a great shock to you, but we are not the only wizards here," he said, breaking out into chuckles again.

"Oh, very funny," Harry said, crossing his arms over his chest and looking away. But the sight right across from them was Neville's table, and there seemed to be a green tentacle peeking out from under the tablecloth and wrapping around Neville's ankle. He turned back to Severus. "Our friends -- well, your friends and my friends -- are out there yelling and casting spells at each other. Don't you think we should --"

Harry would have gone on but there was suddenly a hand across his mouth. "No, I do not," Severus said, lifting his fingers away.

"But --" The hand clamped over his mouth again.

"Just because you have a thing about saving people does not mean we need to rush to everyone's rescue merely because there's been a little fire," Severus said, peeling his fingers away again.

"Have you been talking to Hermione?" Harry asked, flexing his lips several times to make sure they were still in working -- and kissing -- order.

Severus narrowed his eyes. "Why, is she here too?"

"No, but she thinks I have a thing about saving people, too," Harry said. The crowd by the window was dispersing, heading back to their seats. The next time he looked over, Neville's table was empty, though there were a few leaves on the chair and the tablecloth still fluttered suspiciously.

"Whatever is going on outside, whatever dispute Lucius has with Arthur, is none, I repeat, absolutely none of our affair," Severus said with exaggerated patience.

Just then, the door to the restaurant burst open, accompanied by a strong blast of smoky air. Lucius Malfoy, whose normally immaculate hair had come loose from its queue, stood in the door frame, his imperious gaze sweeping the dining room. Harry's heart sank. It looked as though he was searching for just one --

"Ah, Severus," Malfoy said, sweeping into the room as though he'd just spotted Snape at a cozy Death Eater cocktail party at the Manor.

Beside Harry, Severus groaned. Hard on Malfoy's heels was Arthur Weasley. "Harry, my boy," Arthur called, elbowing Lucius out of the way as he approached their table.

"Maybe we could tell them it's not really us," Harry whispered urgently. "That we're just Polyjuiced to look like..."

Severus began to laugh again. For a minute, as both Arthur and Lucius skidded to a halt, Harry thought that this might be an even better way to convince them it wasn't really Severus Snape than claiming to have taken Polyjuice. But then Lucius got a conspiratorial smirk, and resumed his approach.

"Ridiculous, isn't it? I come here for a quiet weekend away from the burdens of the Malfoy estate..."

"You came here to hide among Muggles and hoped the Ministry wouldn't notice you slinking away!" barked Arthur loudly enough that several Muggle heads turned. Lowering his voice, he continued, "Do you think any of us believes you'd choose a Muggle establishment for any reason other than to conceal your whereabouts? Fortunately, we've had a man on you for weeks!"

"And then," Lucius went on as if Arthur had never spoken, smiling and shaking his head at Severus, "This man and his wife burst in on myself and my wife during a private dinner in our private lodge, claiming that he booked the property. If any Weasley claimed to have enough money for such a holiday, I'd think the Ministry would want to look at his financial records..."

Before Harry could stop him, Arthur lunged at Lucius, knocking him directly across Harry and Severus's table. Plates and silverware went flying as the two struggled, shouting obscenities.

"You're certain we shouldn't intervene?" Harry hissed at Severus as his wine glass dropped into his lap. Another softly murmured spell banished the stain.

"I think that we should slowly and carefully back away from the..."

"Harry!" That was Molly Weasley, rushing into the dining room with her wand drawn. "Do something!"

As much as Harry hated to contradict Severus -- he knew he'd be sorry later -- Harry knew that she was right. Something had to be done before the Aurors had to come Obliviate every single person staying in this hotel. Unfortunately, he could only think of one distraction that didn't directly involve himself. "You should go get Ginny," he said. "She's staying upstairs."

"What?" Molly shrieked. Narcissa Malfoy had just raced into the room as well -- as quickly as one could race in four-inch high heels and a fashionable narrow skirt -- and halted, staring in horror between Severus and her husband.

"Ginny's in the hotel," Harry repeated. "We saw her earlier."

"With Draco," drawled Severus.

Some of the women's confusion must have been apparent to the two combatants. "Draco? My Draco?" Lucius asked, ducking a two-fingered poke from Arthur.

Harry sat back in his chair, grateful for once that he was not the center of all the chaos. "Of course he's your Draco," he replied. "Who else would saddle someone with that name?" Harry's companion cleared his throat delicately, and Harry remembered that Severus didn't exactly rank up there with Diana or Jack for baby names.

"What do you mean with Draco?" Arthur asked, barely managing to keep himself from falling into a surreptitiously cast puddle of water that had materialized beside the table. Unfortunately a hurrying maître d', probably attempting to put an end to the brawl, wasn't so lucky. He skidded, shouted out something that probably hadn't been heard in this exclusive dining room since it was a hunting lodge decades ago, and sprawled, face down in front of Mr. Malfoy, out cold.

"You know," Severus said, waving one hand off-handedly, "with."

Harry made a circle with his thumb and forefinger on one hand and inserted the index finger of his other hand into the hole, moving it back and forth suggestively. Narcissa gasped and covered her mouth in shock.

"Not with with?" Molly exclaimed, her face looking like a thundercloud was passing over it.

"With with," confirmed Severus, barely managing to control the smirk that twitched at the corners of his mouth.

Harry felt something brush over the top of his foot. He shot a look at Severus, wondering how on earth he could have the concentration enough to be amorous at a time like this, when the touch went on a tad too long for a foot. Taking advantage of the confusion, Harry lifted the tablecloth. There was a tentacle under it, cascading over his foot. From the direction it was headed, Harry hoped the hurrying waiters were there to take the fallen maître d' out of tentacle range.

"This is all your fault," Arthur raged, lunging anew at Lucius. What little remained of their silverware clattered over the edge of the table as Lucius's arms flailed, barely missing hitting Harry in the chin. Unhappily Harry turned to Molly to find her pulling Narcissa's hair out of its tight chignon.

"Your little slut --" Lucius began, only to get a very peculiar expression on his face. Harry felt the tentacle under the table shift. He risked another peek and realized the thick ropey thing had taken hold of Malfoy's ankle.

"Slut?" Molly screamed, and suddenly Narcissa went flying over their table.

"As diversions go," Severus commented, ducking yet another flailing limb, "this one leaves a bit to be desired."

"Speaking of leaves --" Harry began, wiggling his own foot out of the most immediate path of the wayward tentacle. Luckily two waiters had dragged the maître d' to his feet, one of them slapping his face, presumably trying to rouse him but with rather more force, Harry thought, than the task required. The tentacle was weaving around scuffling feet back toward its own table. "Was that thing your idea?"

"Certainly not. And speaking of leaves, I might suggest that that is what a gentleman does when faced with such disgraceful behavior on the part of his associates."

Harry glanced over at Arthur, who appeared to be more than holding his own against Lucius. It wasn't as if the Malfoys were going to be any threat to the Weasleys this time, particularly since George and Angelina had just raced breathlessly into the dining room, having apparently left their brooms elsewhere. "Think we could hide under the table long enough to Apparate?" he asked.

There was no time. "Harry! What in the name of Merlin's baggy Y-fronts happened?" demanded Angelina, while George flung himself into the fray, trying to pull Lucius off his father.

"Some mix-up with the rooms," Harry said as offhandedly as possible. Severus was tugging on his arm, indicating the rear exit from the dining room that presumably led into the kitchen. "Double-booked, it sounds like."

"That room is ours!" Molly shouted, swinging her bag at Narcissa.

"You don't suppose the Malfoys used the name 'Weasley' on their reservation to hide from the Ministry?" Harry whispered to Severus.

"That would explain a great deal," nodded Severus, pulling Harry bodily toward the swinging door. "Though it does not explain why a Weasley family reunion seems to be taking place in the Lake District, nor why Longbottom is here, nor Minerva..."

They had reached the exit. A quick glance back revealed to Harry that both Lucius and Arthur had tentacles wrapped around their legs, forcing them to expend more energy on remaining upright than fighting. Molly was hacking at the one trapping Arthur with a butter knife, while Narcissa had sat down at Neville's table and appeared to be discreetly eating his gnocchi. "We can work all that out later," he said, wondering whether someone had cast a Confundus charm on every Muggle in the hotel.

"You cannot be in here!" the line cook shouted as they raced through the kitchen. Harry waved an apology, fearful that Severus might hex the next person to irritate him. The service corridor led to a door behind the hotel, facing the forest rather than the lake, and as Harry and Severus stepped closer to the door and the near-darkness outside, Harry breathed a sigh of relief.

"Now we can hide behind a tree, Apparate to our room, and..."

"Oi! Harry!" Harry hadn't thought he had managed to eat enough dinner to feel sick to his stomach, yet there was that familiar churning feeling. "What are you doing here, mate?"

"Ron?" he asked feebly, wondering if it was too late to create a Time Turner and take himself and Severus back in time. They would only need an hour -- enough time to laugh loudly in the face of the hotel staff member who had invited them down to dinner, enough time to slip into bed and --

Harry's pleasant fantasy was interrupted by another voice. A feminine voice.

"Harry?"

"Hermione?" Harry said weakly, staggering back against Severus's chest.

"Of course," Severus murmured in Harry's ear. "What would a honeymoon be without your best friends? Both of them."

"This is not my fault!" protested Harry, as both Ron and Hermione popped up from behind one of the kitchen islands. Hermione had a smudge of dirt across her cheek and Ron's hair was plastered against his forehead as if he'd been sweating.

"What are you --" Harry began, then shook his head with a groan. "Never mind, I don't want to know."

"Lovely seeing you, I'm sure," Severus said, placing both hands on Harry's shoulder in an attempt to hustle past them. "But we need to, ah --" One hand squeezed Harry's shoulder in desperation.

"To, ah, go out to the lake and, um --" Harry tried, trying to think of something urgent enough to get them out of there. A loud crash sounded beyond the swinging doors that separated the kitchen from the dining room.

"Collect, er --" Severus tried but he too, stopped, peering curiously at Ron and Hermione, who each had their wands drawn and were looking past them in concern. There was the unmistakable sound of a curse bouncing off something fairly solid -- the panelled dining room wall, no doubt.

"You haven't seen a Venomous Tentacula on the loose, have you?" Hermione asked, rubbing the cheek with the smudge on it and only succeeding in spreading it further. "Rather a large one?"

"We were supposed to be minding it," admitted Ron, "but we got, er, distracted." Hermione cleared her throat loudly, casting Ron a glare that did not bode well for his chances of picking up where they'd left off when they recaptured the poisonous plant.

Plant?

"As it happens," Severus said, taking several steps to one side, leaving the aisle between themselves and the dining room more invitingly open, "We have seen a rather large, decidedly poisonous plant wandering around the dining room."

Ron looked relieved, but Hermione looked stricken. "The dining room? Oh no, we'll have to get it back into its pot immediately before it eats anything else. They only get bigger if you feed them." She put on her determined face, which Harry remembered being on the receiving end of when they were at school and had no desire to be reacquainted with. "You and the professor can cover us while we go after it," she said, in a tone to go along with her determined face.

"Actually we have to go down to the lake to collect those, er," Severus put in smoothly, his fingers still on Harry's shoulders, edging them over just a bit more. There was a noise behind them, really close to the doors this time, and Harry couldn't decide if it was a curse rebounding off someone or something.

"Samples!" Harry said, turning sideways to give Ron and Hermione a better vantage point of the doors. "Of, um --"

"Things we need," put in Severus smoothly and Harry hoped his friends were actually as distracted as they looked.

"If you spot any scented pelargoniums..." began Hermione, already striding toward the hotel. Ron glanced from her to Harry, looking rather suspicious, but he didn't speak.

"Of course," Harry said as firmly as he could with Severus applying pressure to his shoulders to march him down the hill around the trees. "Good luck with the venomous tentacle thing!"

"Tentacula," muttered Severus under his breath, practically shoving Harry out the door and toward the lake. "What wizard would be foolish enough to bring a Venomous Tentacula to a Muggle luxury hotel?"

Harry recalled that the seeds of the Venomous Tentacula were Class C non-tradeable items. "Maybe someone making a deal to sell one where nobody from the Ministry would be likely to notice," he mused, hoping it wasn't George Weasley working on something new for his shop. On the other hand, it might just as easily have been Lucius Malfoy trying to rid himself of an enemy. Or it could simply have been Neville carrying on an herbology experiment, though Harry didn't think Neville would have been foolish enough to bring a dangerous plant to a Muggle luxury hotel when Neville had said that he was visiting with a...friend.

Severus was taking long strides past the bushes that bordered the hotel gardens. "There are certainly enough wizards here to solve the problem without us. I suggest that we rent a boat and run away before anything else goes wrong. We can send for our luggage tomorrow."

Without being able to see Severus's face, Harry couldn't tell whether or not he was joking. "It's already night," he pointed out. "I think we should find a nice tree to hide behind and Apparate to our room. In the morning, it'll be much easier to..."

"OW! Watch where you're going!" shouted a voice from the base of the bushes they were circling. In the dim light, Harry hadn't even noticed that there were people on the ground, half-hidden by the blanket partially covering them. Now that he was looking, however, he could not fail to notice two things. One was that the couple in question was half-undressed. The other was that the couple in question consisted of...

"Horace," rumbled Severus. "And Pomona. How charming to see so much of you." A spell shot out of his wand, enlarging the blanket to three times its previous size.

Professor Slughorn gave up trying to hide himself behind Professor Sprout and instead tugged the newly enormous blanket over them both. "Is that you, Severus? What do you mean by sneaking up on people like that!"

"We were attempting to sneak away from people," Severus growled, making Slughorn shrink back visibly. "And what do you mean by..." He started to gesture at the blanket, appeared to think better of it, and waved his hand in the air. "Never mind. Though the next time you bring a dangerous plant on holiday with you, you might wish to pay more attention to it."

"Dangerous plant? I'm sure I don't know what you mean!" announced Sprout, though without her hat or most of the rest of her clothing, she did not create a very intimidating presence. "I brought nothing with me but the clothes on my back..." Severus glanced pointedly at the stockings and robes tossed haphazardly over the branches of the bushes. "Any dangerous plant here is no responsibility of mine!"

Trying not to look as traumatized as he felt, Harry averted his eyes while Professor Sprout drew the blanket around her legs...and other things. The slight movement must have alerted Slughorn to his presence. His great booming voice rang out, "Harry, my boy!"

"Er, good to see you, sir," Harry said, nodding politely to the now blushing Sprout.

"Horace, you don't know what they're talking about, do you?" Sprout demanded, huffing into an entirely too small portion of the blanket.

"Of course not, m'dear," Slughorn said, but Harry noticed he wasn't meeting her eyes. Or Harry's either, when he tried to look around Severus's shoulder.

Apparently Professor Sprout noticed something too. "Severus, what sort of plant did you say it was?" she asked, her suspicion making her less careful about keeping the blanket in place. All three men made strangled sort of noises.

"A Venomous Tentacula," Severus said carefully. Harry noticed he'd deliberately put himself between Harry and Sprout as if trying to protect him from --

"Venomous --" Sprout repeated, her normally rosy cheeks turning quite dangerously red, even in the dimness of the evening light.

"Tentacula," repeated Severus, backing away slowly. Harry had no choice but to follow.

"But Pumpkin, you know I would never --"

"Then where did all those seeds go, and why did you insist on coming here?" Sprout countered. Harry had to admit, for a short woman, she had a powerful set of lungs. "And dragging me through all these bushes. Soil samples, indeed!"

"I hope she remembers to keep that blanket --"

A shriek from down the path where they'd left Slughorn and Sprout sent them scurrying back up. Unfortunately this brought them closer to the still-open door to the kitchen.

"Let's try a different path," Harry said, listening briefly near the door. There was a sound like tinkling glass that did not bode well for the hotel's collection of fine stemware.

"Harry," Severus said, pulling him into the shadows lingering beside the hotel wall. "I think there might be something larger going on here."

Chapter 2

Despite his initial hopes, Harry did not think Severus was making an oblique sexual reference. He frowned and turned his face up to meet Severus's. "Larger?" he asked, confused. His fingers slid over Severus's sleeves, keeping to the shadows.

"This is a Muggle hotel," Severus said, with the sort of suspicious patience that Harry knew from past experience was aimed wholly at his own naivete. "Why are all these wizards, especially witches and wizards we know, suddenly showing up here on tonight of all nights?"

"I don't suppose you've planned a surprise party for us and all our friends have been distracted by, um..." Harry tried hopefully.

"Do I look like the type who would whisk you away for a romantic weekend only to invite people I have little tolerance for even under the best of circumstances?" Severus replied, pulling Harry closer to the wall when something went flying out the back door. The object embedded in the dirt beside the path, the handle of the butter knife quivering several times.

"Good point," Harry sighed. "What do you think is going on, then? Pheromones?"

"Pheromones?" repeated Severus, looking blank.

"You know, the hormone things people secrete when they're sexually aroused? Maybe we just have really strong pheromones." All right, it had been a romantic notion but it was also pretty silly, as Severus's expression seemed to indicate. Besides, Draco and Ginny had been at the hotel before they arrived, and Harry already possessed clear evidence that Ginny's pheromones had no effect on himself whatsoever.

"I know what pheromones are," Severus said, looking as though he couldn't decide whether to be offended or amused at the confusion. "But I don't believe that the pheromones of the Chosen One would be sufficient to lure everyone he has ever met in his entire life to a single spot."

"It isn't everyone I ever..." began Harry indignantly just as Hagrid stuck his head out the rear door of the hotel kitchen. Quickly he tugged Severus behind the nearest bush. "Fine, then -- you explain it."

"I believe it must be a response to some sort of homing signal," Severus said. "Much like bees or doxies will pursue the queen of their...duck!"

"The queen of their duck?" asked Harry blankly, just as something very like a fireball went whizzing past his head. It missed Severus only because Severus had dropped to the ground. Squatting next to him, Harry muttered, "But what sort of wizard produces a homing signal?"

"Not a wizard, a magical creature. Perhaps something in need of assistance."

"The Tentacula?"

"I said a magical creature, not a plant." Severus brushed ashes off his shoulder. "If a magical being were removed from its home..."

The sentence remained unfinished because of a bloodcurdling scream that Harry recognized as Molly Weasley's. "GINNY! HOW COULD YOU? WITH THAT BOY!"

Harry clutched Severus's arm, more to steady himself after his drop to the ground than from any need for protection. "Looks like your diversionary tactic is still wreaking havoc," said Severus, pulling Harry into the lee of the building as Hagrid's great booming voice sounded over the melee.

"Here now, Molly, what's all the hullabaloo?"

"I couldn't think of anything else," protested Harry, leaning against the stone wall of the hotel kitchen. It occurred to him that they were relatively alone for the first time since coming down to dinner. He ran a finger down one sleeve. Busy scanning the wedge of light emanating from the kitchen, Severus started in surprise.

The heat in Harry's expression must have conveyed his intent because Severus snorted softly. "Now? Do you have erotic feelings every time you're in danger?"

"We aren't in danger, not exactly," Harry said, leaning over to kiss Severus's cheek. Severus promptly pulled away as a squawk of something that sounded like a phoenix being stuffed into a roaster reverberated out the back door. Harry sighed. "All right, what sort of magical creature could alert every witch and wizard in Britain that it needs help?"

Glancing once again at the light spilling over from the kitchen, Severus leaned back against the wall as well. "Not every witch and wizard in Britain," he said thoughtfully. He turned to look at Harry, who tried his best to look as though magical creatures avoided him at all costs. "Every witch and wizard associated with you."

Harry gulped. "But --" Severus put his hand over Harry's mouth. Someone had just run out the kitchen door, sobbing. To judge by the mane of ginger hair, it was Ginny. Or George in drag, which, considering how their evening was going so far, wouldn't have surprised Harry.

"Shouldn't we -- " Harry said, when Severus's fingers slipped off his mouth.

"No."

"But -- "

"No." The hand was back over Harry's mouth again, which wasn't helping the little flare Harry's libido got every time Severus touched him. The door swung open again and Hagrid stomped out, something slung over his back. Something that looked suspiciously like Molly Weasley. In fact it was sputtering exactly like Molly Weasley. Or George in a really bad dress. They headed in the direction of Sprout and Slughorn before the shadows swallowed them. The door banged again and Arthur Weasley, breathing hard, peered into the gloom. One of his shoes was on fire.

"Yeah, you're right, not our business," Harry said, leaning back against the cool stone wall.

"Focus, just this once," Severus said, lifting his knees and resting his forearms on them. They both wrinkled their noses as the stench of burnt shoe leather wafted across their nostrils.

"I am focused." Harry exhaled, then prompted. "All right, so a bunch of witches and wizards who know me..."

"It's just a theory," Severus said, "but suppose some creature knew you had a thing for saving people --"

"I do not have a thing for saving people!"

"Very well, suppose some creature knew your reputation as the Chosen One." Severus smirked. "Though I believe it would be a mistake to limit our suspicions to creatures capable of reading the Daily Prophet."

"Stop mocking me if you want me to focus! What sort of creature is capable of, what did you say, a homing signal? Since I don't think this is all from bees or doxies."

"Doxy hive behavior does not affect wizards," agreed Severus. "And bees are creatures of instinct. I believe that we must be dealing with greater intelligence for it to have gathered so many of your friends and associates..."

"Are you saying it uses telepathy?"

The question earned Harry yet another roll of his former professor's eyes. "I suppose you remember nothing of what I tried to teach you about Legilimency. Only Muggles believe in telepathy, as if the mind contained a simple set of instructions for managing one's daily activities and a straightforward narrative of one's memories."

Harry frowned, trying to pull a particular memory from his own thoughts without benefit of a Pensieve. "I remember you said there was no such thing as mind-reading because the mind wasn't like a book," he said. "'The mind is complex and many-layered.' So this creature, whatever it is, would have had to know about me, and to have affected whatever part of my mind would make me want to visit a particular place. But then why bring almost every wizard I've ever met? To make sure I turn up?"

"Or to make you pay attention to the situation," nodded Severus. "Our original plan was to lock ourselves upstairs and not to interact with anyone, wizard or magical beast." He sighed as Draco came running out of the kitchen, clothing singed, heading in the direction that Ginny, Hagrid, and the others had taken.

"All right, I'm paying attention! But why go to all this trouble? Why couldn't any creature that could lure me to a specific place find a way to tell me..." Then Harry had a terrible thought. "Because it can't talk to me, that's why," he said slowly. "It's not because I'm the Chosen One. It's because I'm a Parselmouth."

Severus fixed him with a stern glare. "I thought you told me that since you were freed from the fragment of the Dark Lord's soul which gave you that ability, you haven't been able to speak to snakes."

"Exactly." A long tentacle emerged from the kitchen, weaving toward the vegetable garden. Harry watched it unhappily. "Everyone knew I was a Parselmouth -- Skeeter quoted Justin Finch-Fletchley about it in the Daily Prophet. I've spoken to enough snakes that it's probably known among some of them, too. I haven't really had an occasion to announce that I can't speak Parseltongue any more. If we find out that some sort of serpent brought us all here, how am I supposed to know what to do to help it?"

"The giant squid cannot speak to wizards, yet it has been known to beg for food, ask to be petted, offer rides, and rescue drowning students," Severus replied thoughtfully. He got to his feet and brushed off his clothing. "If you discovered a wounded serpent in Lake Windermere, even without the ability to speak to it, would you try to assist it?"

"Of course," Harry said automatically, then quickly added, "Which does not mean I have a thing for saving people!" He thought a moment. "Or squid." He let Severus help him to his feet, then they both crouched back against the wall as a cook -- to judge from his puffy white hat -- dashed out of the much-abused kitchen door, cursing -- presumably -- in a language Harry didn't understand.

"Interesting," Severus said, taking a chance and peering around the rocky jut of the wall. The cook waved one hand expressively, paused as if listening to a reply, then let loose another stream of non-English invective.

Harry stood on his tip-toes to try to see over Severus's shoulder. "What is?" Severus waved him to silence but the cook shouted something and ran off down the path. "What's interesting?"

"Do you number French among your languages?" Severus asked. At Harry's negative shake of his head, Severus said, "I believe he mentioned calmar. My French is only schoolbook at best and theoretical in practice, but he used a word that means squid."

"Well, it is on the menu," replied Harry, earning himself a murderous look. "You don't think the Giant Squid is actually the creature we're looking for? I mean, I used to speak Parseltongue, not squid-ish."

Just then the lights seemed to go out, as if someone had used Peruvian Darkness Powder, blotting out the moon and the sprinkling of stars overhead for a moment. At the same time, there was a giant whoosh of air, as though a great bird had flown overhead.

"What the --" Harry began, but before he could even finish the question, Severus had drawn his wand.

"Lumos Maxima!" The sky overhead lit up as if a rocket had gone off. Just in time for both of them to see the tip of a dragon's tail disappearing toward the lake.

"Fuck."

"Indeed."

"Was that --"

"Hmmm."

Harry groaned and nearly collapsed, er, sat back down. Even the cold hard ground was better than confronting a dragon. Confronting? What was he thinking? He didn't have a thing for saving dragons, either. "I think we should go home," Harry said, tugging on Severus's sleeve. "Now." He noticed that he was tugging but Severus wasn't budging. "Our own bed, tucked up together, yes, just the thing." He feigned a broad yawn, stretching his arms as if suddenly too tired to stand. "Just the thing," he repeated, when Severus still looked deep in thought.

"Severus?" Harry waved a hand in front of Severus's face. "Home? Bed? Tucked?"

"Dragons are serpents," responded Severus, as if coming out of a trance. "Very large ones, true --"

"Very true," agreed Harry, "With really large everything, including teeth. Or are they fangs?" He tried to picture a dragon's mouth precisely but since the times he'd seen -- and ridden -- a dragon, he'd been very intent on not getting too close to its mouth, it wasn't easy. "Oh," he said, his heart sinking when he realized where Severus was going with this. "No, absolutely not, I'm not going to follow that --"

"Follow that dragon!"

With a start, Harry realized that it was Hagrid who had called out. Instinctively, they both pressed back against the dubious protection of the stone wall as giant footfalls sounded down the path.

"See, Hagrid can take care of it," whispered Harry hopefully. "I mean, he's had loads more experience with magical creatures than I have. And Parselmouth or not, I never managed to speak to a dragon, or the Tri-Wizard Tournament would have started off a lot more easily for me. No dragon is going to listen to me."

"Clearly the dragon is not obeying Hagrid," muttered Severus.

"But maybe we've got this all wrong. Maybe the dragon, or whatever brought us here, was looking for people connected to Hagrid, not to me. I mean, he knows the Weasleys and the Malfoys and Neville."

"True. However, he has a much longer acquaintance with Professor Sinistra and Madam Pomfrey, neither of whom has made an appearance." Pausing, Severus looked around fearfully, but no witches emerged from the trees. "I somehow doubt that Longbottom and Granger are the first people Hagrid thinks to summon in a crisis. These are your nearest and dearest..."

"The Malfoys are not my nearest and dearest!" That had come out very nearly as a shout, and Harry bit his lip before Severus could clamp a hand over his mouth again. "If anything, they're your nearest and dearest."

"They certainly aren't Hagrid's." Severus moved away from the wall again in the direction of the lake. "You saved Draco's life twice that I am aware of."

"Yes, but I almost killed him, except you came in and saved him in the loo." Harry groaned. "You mean I'm going to be paying for saving Draco for the rest of my life by having him show up every time some creature wants my help?" He thought of Draco's expression when they had walked in on him and Ginny earlier and couldn't help snickering. "Let him find out what the dragon wants. Seems only fair to me..."

There was a bright light and a sudden crash directly in front of them, causing Harry and Severus to shrink back against the wall once more. A tangle of arms and legs slowly unraveled themselves. "Bloody hell!"

It was Charlie Weasley. Somehow this did not come as any surprise. The rusting shovel that he had apparently used as a Portkey rolled toward Severus. "Professor Snape? Is that you?"

"And me," Harry said, stepping forward with a sigh of relief. "Perfect timing. Hagrid needs help with a dragon."

"Is Hagrid here? Perfect timing for me too, then!" Charlie grinned. "Norbert's gone missing."

"Norbert?" For some reason that name sent shivers of cold dread down his spine. "Oh no," he said, grabbing Severus's arm.

"Who or what is a --"

"That was Norbert?" Harry groaned, swaying slightly, despite Severus's steadfast uprightness.

Severus looked up, as if scanning for the errant dragon. "Norbert is a dragon?" Both Harry and Charlie looked at him as though he was a hapless first-year.

"Norwegian Ridgeback," Charlie explained, "Sweetest little -- "

"Sweet?" Harry yelped. "He bit me, more than once, and all we were trying to do is get him out of the school."

Severus swung around, mouth agape. "You had a dragon at the school?"

"Not a very big one," Harry gulped, looking to Charlie for assistance.

"He's only about twenty feet," Charlie said, holding his hands apart about a foot as though indicating a baby dragon. "Won't get his adult scales for a few years yet."

"Dragon scales are very valuable," a voice sounded from the dark. Professor Slughorn, now decently clothed, though several buttons on his waistcoat looked mismatched to their buttonholes, had slipped up behind them.

"Dragon hunting is illegal," Charlie said, swinging around to frown at Slughorn.

"Of course it is," Professor Sprout said, coming up behind Slughorn and patting his arm. "Just like Tentacula cultivation except under controlled environments." She smiled much more serenely than her tone indicated. "Very controlled, " she added sweetly.

Harry didn't try to untangle their row, turning instead to Severus while Slughorn sputtered his innocence. "Besides, Norbert wasn't mine, he was Hagrid's."

"As much as a dragon can belong to anyone," Charlie said, a bit defensively.

"Do you know if a dragon could understand Parseltongue?" Severus asked, ignoring the rising voices of Slughorn and Sprout. Without communicating their intention, all three of them moved away from the quarrelling pair.

"Parseltongue?" asked Charlie in surprise, rubbing his chin as they headed down the path, following the trail of singed grass along the path. "Not that I've heard, but we don't have a lot of --" His gaze skittered to Harry then away before he continued. "Research on the subject."

"Well, none of them ever listened to a word I've ever said," said Harry hotly, absently stamping on a pile of dry leaves that had sparked and was threatening to burst into flame. "And I think it's safe to say I've seen more of them face to, er, fang than most."

Ahead of them on the path that sloped downward toward the lake, a plume of flame shot up over the trees, lighting up the glittering lake ahead before dying as sparks sizzled into the dark mere.

"Was that --" Harry asked, grabbing Severus's sleeve again.

"A tentacle," replied Severus with a sigh.

"Dragons don't have tentacles," Charlie said, obviously confused.

"Not a dragon, a squid," Severus explained as another plume of fire shot up, slightly to the left of the first one. From the shore ahead of them came the distinct oohs and ahhhs of a group of people, who must have mistaken the flames for fireworks.

"Must be a pretty big squid," Charlie said, his attention not on the lake at all but overhead, trying to spot his errant charge.

"A giant squid," clarified Harry. He met Severus's gaze, seeing his own hopes for getting out of there before not one but two magical creatures had been sorted out going up like so much smoke from the dragon's snout.

"Not the Giant Squid? From our lake in Hogsmeade?"

"I suspect that it is, indeed, the very same." Severus got out his wand and sent an Aguamenti spell at a nearby tree, where falling sparks had caught in the leaves. "Mr. Weasley, is it possible for a dragon to communicate with a giant squid?"

"They're both very intelligent," said Charlie, coming to a full stop and causing both Harry and Severus to crash into him. Something huge and dark was causing the trees around them to sway. "I've never heard of a dragon befriending a giant squid, but that may simply be because they rarely encounter one another."

Harry was clutching at Charlie's arm to remain upright, and discovered, when the sky cleared, that Severus was glaring at him. It just wasn't fair. "This is a lake, not a river. And the lake in Hogsmeade doesn't connect to another body of water, at least not on any maps I've seen. So unless a giant squid can fly or make a Portkey, I don't see how it could be our Giant Squid."

"Of course -- that's why Norbert is here!" Charlie grinned at Severus as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. When Harry gaped at both of them, he added, "Magical squid have the most mysterious reproductive cycle of almost any creature. They live a long time and only breed very rarely, but since they tend to be solitary, they have to travel great distances to meet their mates."

"But Norbert isn't a giant squid," said Harry, thoroughly confused.

"No, but a dragon would respond to a giant squid's mating signals the same as any other creature. Do you know that a male giant squid has a meter-long penis?"

Harry really, really had not needed to know that, but it was apparently no surprise to Hagrid, who was approaching up the hill with an enormous smile on his face. "Charlie Weasley!" The hug Hagrid gave Charlie could have smothered a first-year but Charlie accepted it enthusiastically. After the two had exchanged greetings, Hagrid said, "I s'pose you know that Norbert's here."

"That's why I'm here," nodded Charlie. "Professor Snape has a theory."

"I do not," interrupted Severus.

"It seems the Giant Squid is here as well," Charlie continued as if Severus had not spoken. "I'm sure you know all about squid mating signals..."

A loud whoosh in the trees and the flapping of wings nearly knocked all of them over, even Hagrid. "Wait a minute," sputtered Harry as they staggered upright in its wake. "You're saying that the Giant Squid put out some kind of mating signal-thing? That Norbert picked up all those miles away, and then brought the Giant Squid here? To shag another squid in Lake Windermere?"

"Well, that is how the Giant Squid finds its mate," Hagrid declared as though Harry ought to have known this from The Monster Book of Monsters. "When the Giant Squid gets in that mood, every creature around it begins to get amorous, if you know what I mean."

"Fuck," Harry groaned.

"If you want to put it that way..."

"No, that's not what I meant!" Now that he knew about the huge squid penis, Harry was just as happy that he and Severus had never gone on that romantic boat ride. "I meant, could that be why just about everybody we know is here? At Lake Windermere? Putting on public displays of affection?"

"Who else is here?" Charlie asked curiously.

"Well, your parents, and Ron and Hermione, and George and Angelina, and Ginny and Draco..."

"Ginny and who?"

"And the Malfoys and Minerva and Neville and Horace and Pomona and Olympe." Hagrid said that last with a happy sigh.

"Madame Maxime is here?" Harry asked, probably unnecessarily, to judge by Hagrid's blissful expression. All they were missing was his giant half-brother...and Harry nearly cringed with a loud roar echoed over the lake, wondering if he was doing accidental transportation magic and bringing Grawp here just by thinking about him. Luckily -- though their luck was seriously in question -- the roar was just another pass of leathery wings as the dragon soared overhead.

"'Course she is," replied Hagrid, as both his and Charlie's gazes scanned the night sky for a clue about the direction Norbert was taking.

"Merlin's beard, is every witch and wizard in Britain here tonight?" Severus asked, with fairly understandable exasperation.

"Practically," came Lucius Malfoy's smoothly urbane voice as his stick, then himself came into the area of light they'd created here away from prying eyes. He raised one hand -- Harry could not help but feel a little smug at the hastily conjured sticking plaster on the back of his hand with something greenish leaking from it. "You'll be glad to know I've dealt with the Muggles."

It took a moment for the words to sink in, so horrified was the silence that met this pronouncement.

"Lucius, you didn't -- didn't --" Severus began, and Harry was proud that Severus was as horror-struck as he was.

"There he is!" Charlie shouted, wheeling away from them and giving chase to a fresh plume of fire even though his course led him straight into the underbrush and through the trees.

"Now, Harry, I'm sure Mr. Malfoy didn't mean that," Hagrid said, petting Harry's shoulder hard enough to send him several inches into the hardened earth of the path. "Everyone knows You-Know-Who put him under an Unforgivable Curse to make him do all his bidding and be his lackey like that." At Malfoy's harrumph, Hagrid loped off through the underbrush after Charlie, and presumably, their errant dragon.

"Please tell me you didn't do anything," Severus tried again, only to have Malfoy roll his eyes.

"What do you take me for?" he asked, tapping something that looked like dragon dung off his boot.

"A murdering traitorous Death Eater," supplied Harry, feeling Severus's fingers on his collar in case the urge to lunge at Malfoy got the better of him.

"Come, come," Malfoy said, pushing the offending offal off the path, "ex-Death Eater. And what are you all so worried about? It was just a dozen Muggles."

"Oh God," Harry said, as Severus's fingers clenched tighter in anti-lunge mode.

Patiently, Severus asked, "What exactly did you do to them?"

"I don't mind telling you it wasn't easy getting them all at once," Lucius began with patently false modesty.

"You didn't get them all at once, because I helped you," put in Arthur Weasley, striding down the path. He also smelled a bit like dragon dung.

"You helped him?" Harry said weakly, wondering how much squid pheromones could affect human brains.

"Knocked 'em all out, levitated them up to their own beds, modified their memories. Worst thing they'll remember in the morning is that the Boeuf Bourguignon was a little off tonight."

"But what if they didn't have Boeuf Bourguignon?" asked Harry.

"Trust me, they did," replied Arthur. He looked thoughtful. "I just hope I got them all in the right beds." He shook off his self-doubt with his customary jovial good nature. "Well, we'll find out in the morning, won't we?"

From somewhere in the distance came a shower of sparks, then a loud cheer. Apparently any Muggles still by the lake were either sleepy or drunk enough to believe the jets of flame they were witnessing were a particularly interesting fireworks display. "Speaking of bed, I'm afraid I must retire for the evening," Malfoy announced, hiding a yawn behind his hand.

Severus glanced between Arthur and Lucius with a faintly alarmed expression. "Have you resolved your accommodations, then?"

"Oh, Malfoy here agreed to vacate the suite," Arthur said amiably. "Seems he thought the Ministry was having him followed and came to this Muggle place for some privacy."

"The Ministry wasn't having him followed?" Harry demanded.

Arthur waved a hand. "The Ministry has more pressing matters than pursuing reformed Death Eaters."

"Reformed!" yelled Harry, though it turned into more of a yelp as Severus's fingers gripped his shoulder. "After what you tried to do to Hermione? And Ron?"

"Reformed," Lucius nodded, looking infuriatingly smug. "My wife and I will both be far more comfortable at the exclusive wizard resort on the other side of the lake. Until the end of the last century, it catered only to purebloods."

Harry glanced at Severus and found that he had schooled his expression to seem perfectly unperturbed. "Then I suppose you're fine with your son dating his daughter," he sniped at Malfoy, indicating Arthur.

It felt as though Severus might snap his collarbone, but to Harry's astonishment, both of the other men laughed. "At least she's dating someone who can afford to travel to see all her Quidditch matches," said Arthur.

"At least he's not gay," said Lucius. The two trudged past Harry and Severus, still laughing together.

"Remind me to ask Charlie exactly how those squid pheromone things work," muttered Harry.

"Perhaps they can be extracted and used in potions, eh, Severus?" That was Slughorn, looking rather dejected. Harry wondered whether Sprout had tossed him out over the Tentacula, though if Lucius Malfoy and Arthur Weasley could bond under the influence of the Giant Squid, he couldn't imagine that the professor would stay grumpy for long.

"Probably illegal potions," nodded Severus, pointing down the path. "Charlie Weasley might be able to tell you. He went that way."

Slughorn moved off, leaving Harry and Severus alone once more. "Now can we leave?" Harry asked plaintively. "I assume Charlie can take care of the dragon, and Hagrid can take care of the squid -- those are their jobs, after all -- and Sprout can take care of the Tentacula."

Before Severus could reply, a scream tore through the trees. "You liar!"

Harry's eyes widened. "That's Ginny," he said. Sure enough, moments later, Draco Malfoy raced in front of them, holding up his unfastened trousers with one hand and fumbling for his wand with the other. Behind him came Ginny, wand out, face blazing with fury. And behind her came the hapless bellboy who had taken Harry and Severus to Draco and Ginny's room. Harry couldn't help but notice that his trousers were unfastened as well.

"Ginny?" Harry called out as Draco stumbled over some dragon dung, or perhaps it was the hex that sizzled off the end of Ginny's wand and hit Draco squarely in the bum.

"Harry?" She skidded to a halt, glaring when Draco ducked behind Severus, clinging to his former Head of House. "Don't tell me you didn't know about this!"

She raised her wand, but seemed undecided on her target. The bellboy took his cue from Draco and hid behind Harry. "Hey!" Harry yelped.

"She's mental," Draco whined, giving the appearance of trying to make himself as small as possible behind Severus's back.

"Filthy liar," shouted Ginny, as purple sparks shot out of the end of her wand. "And you!" she growled, levelling her wand at Harry. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Severus seemed to be trying to edge over in front of Harry, much to Draco's dismay. "Tell you what, Miss Weasley?" he asked, with suspicious mildness. Despite Draco's wiggling, Harry thought he could see Severus's hand in his wand pocket.

Her eyes narrowed. "You're one of them too," she said, sounding more than a bit dangerous "You and Harry and Draco and...and..."

"Elroy!" called out a voice from behind Harry -- the cowering bellboy.

"And Elroy," Ginny repeated. "Every man in the world is gay." She hiccuped. "At least all the good ones. You could have told me." Her gaze hardened as her wand, which had been dipping, whipped back up.

"Me?" Harry sputtered, trying to shake off Elroy, who was having none of it. "How would I know about Draco?" Daring to take his eyes of Ginny -- and her wand -- he realized Severus was looking askance at him as well. "Hey, you don't think Draco and I would ever -- eww!" He made a face, ignoring Ginny's wavering wand.

Draco poked his head around Severus's coattails at this. "What's wrong with me?" he demanded. Letting go of Severus's coat for a moment, he waved behind Harry's back. "What's his name there --"

"Elroy!" came the muffled voice behind Harry's back.

"Elroy didn't think I was hideous," Draco pointed out, ducking back behind Severus's back when Ginny's wand zeroed in on him.

"You're a rotten, filthy liar," Ginny gritted out, the tip of her wand starting to glow. "You brought me here for a romantic weekend and then I found you in a broom closet with...with..."

"Elroy," said Severus and Harry together. There was a whimper behind Harry's back as the bellboy cringed. And he hadn't even seen Ginny's Bat Bogey Hex.

"First of all, I didn't exactly bring you," Draco whimpered. "You sort of invited yourself..."

"We were in bed together and you mentioned you were going to a romantic hotel!" This was really more information than Harry wanted, but Ginny wasn't finished. "Then you said that it would be helpful if someone who knew Muggle customs came along, and I mentioned that my father loves to study Muggles, and you said that was lucky!"

"That does sound like an invitation," Severus drawled.

"Stay out of this!" A moment later, Draco was sorry he'd spoken, for Severus stepped neatly out of the way, leaving Draco exposed to Ginny's wand. "I mean -- yes, I invited you, but we never said we were going to be exclusive!"

A moment later Draco shrieked as several greenish crab-like animals shot from the end of Ginny's wand, landing on the ground in front of Draco and immediately beginning to climb his trouser legs. "You knew your parents were coming here, didn't you!" she shouted. "You wanted us to get caught! You only wanted to go out with me because you thought that it might persuade your parents that they'd rather see you with a boy than a blood traitor girl!"

"What's a blood traitor?" Elroy whispered to Harry.

"That was your plan all along, wasn't it!" shrieked Ginny. "So then you can go find yourself someone who's more your type, some pureblood boy!"

"Er, Ginny?" Harry began, holding up his hands when she whirled with her wand aimed at him. "Whatever else Draco might have lied about, I don't think he picks his partners based on the purity of their wizarding blood." He jerked his head in Elroy's direction behind himself.

"Geeeny?"

They all turned, though Ginny's wand never wavered. Harry knew that voice. "Viktor Krum!" he exclaimed. He had never been happier to see the handsome Quidditch star in his life. "What brings you to the Lake District?"

"Oh, Viktor, hello." Ginny straightened, lowering her wand, brushing a hand self-consciously through her hair and wiping her feet on the grass as if she'd suddenly realized she might have stepped in dragon dung. "What a nice surprise." She was blushing.

"Surprise?" Viktor said, looking puzzled, "but your note --" He began patting his pockets and pulled out a folded parchment. "You said ve should meet here --"

"Don't be silly!" Ginny said, grabbing his arm and attempting to tug him away from the path. "Why would I do that?"

Viktor remained rooted to the spot, scanning the contents of the note. "See, it says right here, come to the most private hotel in England, don't ask for my room, I vill meet you by the lake at dusk." He looked up toward the glittering lake beyond the smoldering trees. "There is the lake and here you are!" He folded the note as if that settled it.

"Erm," began Ginny, smiling over-brightly as Draco, who had managed to beat off most of the bat bogey creatures, began to put it all together. Harry remembered that in school she'd never been one for sitting around without a male companion. Or two.

"So, you invited Viktor Krum to our romantic weekend?" sneered Draco, reaching for his own wand. Unfortunately he'd never finished fastening his trousers so when he took his hand away from the waistband, they slid down his legs like two snakes.

"At least I had a date and not some random Muggle!" screeched Ginny. Harry also remembered that she was fully as good a screecher as her mum. If he hadn't suspected he was gay already, dating her might have tipped the balance.

"What's a Muggle?" asked Elroy into the unfortunately timed silence. They all turned to look at him. He'd managed, just barely, to get his trousers fastened.

"All right, who's going to Obliviate him?" asked Severus, scanning their faces.

"What's Obliviate?" asked Elroy, clinging now to Harry's sleeve with no little amount of desperation.

"I'm not going to do it," Draco said haughtily, kicking aside a particularly stubborn bat bogey from his leg. "I'm rubbish at such commonplace magic. I'd probably fry his brains."

"Why are ve Obliviating this Muggle?" said Viktor in obvious confusion, though he really hadn't sounded not-confused since he'd arrived.

"If Draco could have kept his pants on, we wouldn't have this problem," sniffed Ginny, still clinging to Viktor's arm.

"Me? So says Miss Quidditch Player Waiting In the Wings," Draco said with a sneer.

"What's...what's Quidditch?" asked Elroy, who now had a death grip on Harry's sleeve.

"Oh for heaven's sake, I'll do it, if just to get the bothersome thing off my husband," Severus said in exasperation, pointing his wand at Elroy.

"Husband?" said Ginny, Viktor, and Draco all at once.

"That one I got," Elroy informed Harry in a stage whisper.

"Husband," confirmed Harry. "We got married two weeks ago, and we've been trying to have a proper honeymoon since we got here."

Viktor was the first one to speak. "Congratulations!" he said, clapping Harry on the back. "And to you, professor," he added, looking like he was about to do the same to Severus, deterred just in time by a fierce glare. There was a round of hand shaking that even Elroy joined in on.

Ginny gave Harry a very chaste kiss on the cheek under Severus's watchful gaze. "You might have invited me," she huffed. "You should have known we'd all be happy for you..."

Extending his arms, Draco stretched his face in a patently false yawn. "Well, must be toddling along, have to get up early and all that," he said, his pale face completely unsuited to the lie he was telling.

"Right," Ginny put in, tugging at Viktor's arm, "Good thing I have another room reserved."

"I can't believe you came here with me but reserved your own room," sniffed Draco, still put out.

"There isn't enough room for my things in the middle of all your hair care potions," Ginny shot back. She tossed her own hair, and Viktor smiled. "Race you?"

The two were off, Ginny laughing, Viktor charging up the path, before Draco finally stopped fussing with his clothes. "Are you coming?" he asked. Harry thought at first that Draco was addressing himself and was about to invent a stalling excuse when he realized that Draco was looking past him at Elroy.

"Are you inviting me?" asked Elroy slowly.

Severus cleared his throat. "Obliviation?" he asked pointedly.

Draco shrugged. "Who's he going to tell? He doesn't know what a Bat Bogey Hex is, and everyone by the lake saw the dragon."

"Dragon?" repeated Elroy blankly. "You mean the fireworks?"

"All right, go," Severus ordered. Draco did not need to be told twice. He fled up the path in the direction Ginny and Viktor had taken, with Elroy following close behind.

Sighing, Severus scanned the sky. There were no more flames, just a smoky, foul-smelling miasma. "Do you suppose Mr. Weasley has recaptured the dragon?" he asked.

"How is the Giant Squid going to get back to Hogwarts if he did?" When Severus gazed at Harry in alarm, Harry added quickly, "I'm just curious! It's not a saving people thing."

"Isn't it?" But Severus looked more amused than angry. "This is what I get for marrying The Boy Who Saved Me."

Harry grinned at him. "You say the most romantic things." Just then, there was a loud crash like a burnt branch falling to the ground, and they both turned toward it. "Are we going to ignore that?"

"I suppose," said Severus, "that I could create a Portkey that would take Hagrid and the Giant Squid both to the lake at Hogsmeade, once the Squid has finished its business here."

"Wouldn't Hagrid have to be in the water with the Squid?"

"Yes, he would." For some reason Severus appeared to find this satisfying.

Harry laughed, sliding his arms around Severus's waist. "You're very sexy when you're thinking wicked thoughts," he said.

"You can say that even though we both smell like dragon dung?" Severus replied, though Harry noticed he didn't pull away, even when another crash sounded from somewhere near the lake, followed by a large splash.

Harry just used the distraction to burrow closer, still chuckling. "I think that's you -- Mr. Malfoy was flinging it off that stupid stick of his." He felt the gentle tingle of a cleaning spell and sighed against Severus's chest. "You know, it's been ten whole seconds and we haven't been interrupted."

Severus opened his mouth to reply, but closed it, as if listening for another voice. When none came, Harry felt him relaxing slightly, even draping his arms over Harry's shoulders. "I suppose this means we should stay the night here, so I can give the Portkey to Hagrid in the morning."

"Mmmm," Harry said, leaning against his chest, only flinching slightly when a flock of bats swooped overhead, flying off in a pelter away from the dragon. "We do have a perfectly good bed in the hotel," he pointed out.

"Assuming Miss Weasley hasn't commandeered it for yet another paramour," replied Severus, his voice now very close to Harry's ear.

Chuckling, Harry lifted his face, grateful for the darkness even though it still smelled of smoke and dung this close to the lake. "She's not that bad," he said, feeling it was his duty as a Gryffindor to defend her honor. "She's just, er, energetic."

"As long as she isn't 'energetic' with you," said Severus. Harry looked up again at the edge in his voice.

"She's not my type," he said simply, letting his hands drift down Severus's backside.

"Your judgment may be seriously impaired," replied Severus, the edge vanishing from his tone. "After all, you did marry me."

"That just means I have good judgment and good sense," Harry said, perfectly content, after the evening they'd had, to simply stand here and not be interrupted. Especially when familiar fingers pushed into his hair. Severus had never been able to resist stroking his hair.

"It was your judgment that led us here instead of some blissful honeymoon spot, say the bottom of a coal mine or an abandoned prison fortress," Severus purred, though Harry noticed that he didn't make a move away from this temporary safe haven either.

The glow of the moon provided the only light coming through the enormous windows, reflected below in the lake and in the lingering smoke from the now-doused fires. Harry shut the curtains quickly before some any other creature could come flying past. Even before it was fully dark, there appeared to be no sign in the room of Draco, Ginny, Elroy, George, Angelina, Arthur, Molly, Lucius, Narcissa, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Professor McGonagall, Professor Sprout, Professor Slughorn, Hagrid, Charlie, Madame Maxime, Viktor, Norbert, the Giant Squid, flocks of bats or anyone else besides themselves. By the time he had checked the lock on the door and kicked off his shoes, Severus had finished turning down the bedspread.

"Let's get these off you," said Harry, sliding a hand up Severus's arm.

"So long as that's you touching me and not the Tentacula."

Harry laughed. "I don't think they can open doors. Though if you want to send an owl to Professor Sprout..."

"Bed. Now." Severus aimed his wand at Harry, causing all his clothes to unbutton, unfasten, and fall in a heap around his feet.

Grinning, Harry sat on the bed, raising his own wand with a Lumos spell to watch as Severus undressed more slowly, without using magic. He leered a bit at Severus. "Is that a giant snake that got into your trousers, or are you just happy to see me?"

"You're the Parselmouth." Severus cast a dire glance at the now-covered windows as if he expected Norbert to fly straight through the glass and strike up a conversation with Harry. "Perhaps you could create a charm to tell any snakes in the vicinity to go away."

"But I want this snake to come closer." Harry wrapped his feet around Severus's thigh and tugged him toward the bed, sliding back to pull him along. "I haven't seen him in hours and I've missed him."

"I suppose you could give him a kiss," allowed Severus, shifting onto the mattress beside Harry. "But don't even attempt to speak Parseltongue. With the luck we've had, a snake will crawl out from under the bed."

"Told you, I can't speak Parseltongue any more." Harry leaned over and lifted the dust ruffle. "No snakes under here," he said. Swinging himself back up, he turned so that his face was level with Severus's groin. "Mmm, now I see that you're definitely happy to see me..."

He kissed Severus's cock, feeling it twitch against his lips as Severus groaned. "I'm always happy to see you -- it's having to see everyone else we know that's a distraction. Especially at the most private hotel in England."

"That's the Squid's fault, not mine," Harry demurred, licking up and down the shaft. "Maybe it read the same brochure I did."

Severus had turned across the bed so that his mouth was now level with Harry's hips. He rubbed his nose along Harry's thigh, snorting. "I hope everyone in Cumbria is watching its courtship behavior," he muttered.

"This is the only courtship behavior I care about," Harry said, shivering happily at Severus's attention.

A soft chuckle came from the other end of the bed. "I didn't exactly court you. It was mostly --" He seemed to be considering his words.

Harry blew softly over the damp spot he'd left on Severus's cock. "Shouting. And shagging. No wonder I fell in love with you."

Not to be outdone in cock-nuzzling, Harry got in a few dedicated licks before he said, "You didn't douse me with squid pheromones, did you?"

"Oh, you were much easier than that," Severus replied, his mouth gratifyingly full of cock. His fingers trailed up the wiry hair of Harry's thigh, brushing a sensitive spot just below his balls.

"Can I help it if you have a very sexy shout?" Harry said, moaning a bit when the fingers explored behind his balls.

"You needed a good shouting at," Severus said, teasing the wrinkled skin just at the entrance to his arse. "And a good shag."

Harry whimpered his encouragement. "I think that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me."

"If I had known you were so easily swayed by my shouting, I'd have done it years ago." The teasing finger had done no more than swirl around the sensitive opening, despite Harry's unspoken coaxing.

"You did do it years ago," said Harry with a moan, his cheek sliding over Severus's thigh, "It just wasn't sexy when I was twelve."

The fingertip pressed in, just enough for Harry to feel his intent but no further. "You have no idea what a relief that is," Severus murmured.

"Oh God, speaking of relief," gasped Harry. The git he had married just chuckled, but that teasing finger slid in exactly where Harry wanted it. Belatedly he realized he was ignoring his own husbandly duties. He gave the shaft in front of his nose several frantic swipes of his tongue but they both knew where they wanted this cock to end up.

He squeezed around the fingertip, moaning happily as Severus's cock throbbed against his lips. "Tight," Severus purred approvingly.

"Stretch," Harry pleaded. A moment later the finger pushed in deep, aided by the charm that Severus had cast silently, stroking the spot that sent sparks like magic through Harry's lower body. "More!"

"Soon," promised Severus, slowly working in a second finger while Harry whimpered and tried to press down. "Stop rushing."

"Already waited all night!" As if to emphasize Harry's point, an owl hooted off in the distance. At least, Harry hoped it was an owl. If it was a Giant Squid mating call, he really didn't want to know. "Besides, you never know when..."

"Shhhh!" A finger from the hand not currently busy with Harry's arse covered his mouth. "Don't say it -- don't even think it!"

Whimpering defiantly, Harry sucked the finger, drawing a soft groan from Severus. With a satisfied hum, he released the finger. "You see my point. Now fuck me!"

With a soft snicker, Severus slid the teasing digits from inside Harry, reaching for the lube. "And you tell me that I say romantic things," he said.

"Just stop talking and give me that!" Snatching the potion from Severus's hand, Harry poured a bit over his fingers. Severus's lubricating potions worked very well with only a few drops, though at this point Harry would have been willing to forego it. He rubbed his fingers over Severus's cock impatiently. "Wouldn't you rather put this in my arse?"

Severus arched his hips, thrusting into the sheath of Harry's fingers. "You know there's nothing I would rather do," he panted.

Smirking, Harry lay back, drawing up his knees to expose his bum. "Me neither, so get over here and let's have a proper honeymoon." He felt the bed shift as Severus moved over him, pressing his cock against the well-stretched entrance. "Do it, please, make love to me...husband!"

Severus didn't make Harry ask again. With an eager grunt, he pressed in, the potion allowing him to slide easily back and forth. "Still tight," he said, closing his eyes for a moment and moaning as Harry gripped his inner muscles around the welcome shaft. "Still perfect..."

"You too," panted Harry, sliding his legs higher along Severus's back, tilting his hips up. "Oh God, never going to get enough of this!"

Even though Harry was familiar -- intimately familiar with the flush that spread over Severus's chest, he still loved watching it spread between his nipples and up his throat. The dark hair that Harry loved to push his fingers into swung forward, nearly obscuring Severus's face. They were close enough that Harry could reach up and tuck the loose strands back behind his ears before surrendering to the steady thrust of cock inside him.

"Never going to stop giving it to you," Severus managed, turning his face to press a kiss into Harry's palm, groaning as his hips jerked.

"Best -- oh fuck! -- honeymoon I've ever had!" Harry declared with a groan of his own. He couldn't resist pulling his cock into his own hand, trying to match his strokes to Severus's.

That drew the smoldering gaze down to his face. "It had better be the only honeymoon you ever have," Severus growled. "Wouldn't have --" He turned his face, the hair swinging free along the side of his face again.

The hand that had been raised to Severus's hair curled around his neck, thumb brushing his cheek. "There isn't anyone else in the world I would have married but you. Just you," Harry chanted, "Only ever you." His hand was tugging his cock with each word, unable to look anywhere but at Severus's face. He'd kissed every inch of it, breathed over every patch of skin on Severus's body, clung against him in passion and languor and delight but he knew he would never ever get tired of just this moment, when Severus was completely his, and he would be the only person ever to see what he looked like when he was about to come.

The smolder in the heated gaze sparked at Harry's words, and Harry shivered. "Mine," Severus whispered, so softly Harry nearly missed it, but he had heard it often enough before and it never failed to thrill him.

"Mine," he echoed, giving himself a stroke for emphasis.

"Always," panted Severus. His thrusts were already becoming uneven, thighs slapping against the backs of Harry's as he pushed in again and again.

Harry felt fingers displacing his on his own cock and gave himself over to Severus's strokes. "Love this," he moaned, squeezing hard around Severus's cock as it plunged deep. "Love you!"

Severus's jaw was locked, face contorted in concentration, the way he always looked when he was afraid he might finish before Harry got there too. "Come for me," he ordered, seemingly without moving his lips, the words a low growl in his throat. "Show me, come for me -- oh fuck!"

The cock in Harry's arse slammed in once more, and then everything was indistinct because Harry did just what Severus had demanded, erupting over his hand with a shout as his body writhed in pleasure. He was vaguely aware of Severus shaking against him, still stroking his cock which continued to pulse feebly even after the surge of climax had passed. "Love you," he croaked again, trying to catch his breath, feeling his legs slip against Severus's now-slippery skin.

"Love you." Severus rarely said the words above a whisper, and never when he thought they might be overheard by another. At one time that had bothered Harry a bit -- he didn't like the idea that Severus might be embarrassed or ashamed of being in love with him -- but now he knew that Severus hated the trivial use of those words by people who only meant them in the moment or didn't mean them at all, who only said them to get sex or affection or something else.

Harry sighed happily, squeezing him again before the softening cock slipped out of his arse. "Love being your husband. And love being on a honeymoon with you."

"Finally," muttered Severus, though there was amusement in his voice. He let out a long, contented sigh, flopping heavily at Harry's side and raising the hand that was wet with Harry's come. With a smirk, he sniffed a finger.

"Better than dragon dung?" asked Harry.

The smirk widened as Severus opened his mouth to lick the finger. "Better than whatever that was we were eating in that restaurant," he said with a low chuckle.

That soft laugh still thrilled Harry as much as it had the first time he'd heard it. "Might have been dragon dung," mused Harry, "the way our luck went tonight."

"Shhhhh," Severus cautioned again, brushing his mouth over Harry's. He looked around their room as if there might be a squid cowering under the window seat. "We aren't taking any chances with this marriage. I'm not jinxing it." As if to seal some arcane bargain, he sucked the fingertip into his mouth.

"Superstitious?" Harry asked, watching the fingertip disappear and reappear in a rhythm that could not have been accidental.

"Where you are concerned? Definitely." He dabbed a bit of the slippery stuff coating Harry's belly onto Harry's lower lip and bent to swipe it off. "This is, after all, the only marriage I'm likely to have."

Harry puffed a bit of air against Severus's mouth, tasting himself from his lips. "Likely? I'm not going anywhere," he declared, then relented with a smile. "Well, not anywhere without you." He glanced around their room, double-checking for that renegade squid, or perhaps a baby dragon or two. "Even the busiest most private hotel in England."

That brought out another of those smiles that made Harry remember, if he ever needed reminding, of how much he loved Severus.

"It hasn't been too bad, has it?" he asked, pure innocence. "Aside from --"

His "slip" earned him the desired result of being kissed into silence. "No, it hasn't been too bad," Severus agreed, his palm flat against Harry's chest, keeping their mouths very close. "There have been...compensations." They shared a few more compensations before Severus drew back.

"I mean it," Harry said fervently, "I'm not going anywhere. Good luck or bad, I'm with you no matter what." There was a trumpeting sound from outside that drew both their eyes toward the firmly closed window. Harry continued as if they hadn't heard anything. "This is the only marriage for me too." He wiggled happily under the possessive palm on his chest. "And the only honeymoon."

Severus's eyebrows shot up. "The only honeymoon?"

Harry spluttered, "I just told you I'll never want..."

"...another marriage, I heard you." Against his jaw, Harry could feel Severus smile again. "I see no reason, however, why that should preclude another honeymoon."

"You mean -- you want to go somewhere else? Someplace that might not start out as a total disaster?" Harry smiled back.

"If you are interested," Severus said slowly, biting and releasing Harry's earlobe, "I've been told that the Hotel Saint Barth is the most private hotel in the Caribbean."