Chapter Text
Despite his initial hopes, Harry did not think Severus was making an oblique sexual reference. He frowned and turned his face up to meet Severus's. "Larger?" he asked, confused. His fingers slid over Severus's sleeves, keeping to the shadows.
"This is a Muggle hotel," Severus said, with the sort of suspicious patience that Harry knew from past experience was aimed wholly at his own naivete. "Why are all these wizards, especially witches and wizards we know, suddenly showing up here on tonight of all nights?"
"I don't suppose you've planned a surprise party for us and all our friends have been distracted by, um..." Harry tried hopefully.
"Do I look like the type who would whisk you away for a romantic weekend only to invite people I have little tolerance for even under the best of circumstances?" Severus replied, pulling Harry closer to the wall when something went flying out the back door. The object embedded in the dirt beside the path, the handle of the butter knife quivering several times.
"Good point," Harry sighed. "What do you think is going on, then? Pheromones?"
"Pheromones?" repeated Severus, looking blank.
"You know, the hormone things people secrete when they're sexually aroused? Maybe we just have really strong pheromones." All right, it had been a romantic notion but it was also pretty silly, as Severus's expression seemed to indicate. Besides, Draco and Ginny had been at the hotel before they arrived, and Harry already possessed clear evidence that Ginny's pheromones had no effect on himself whatsoever.
"I know what pheromones are," Severus said, looking as though he couldn't decide whether to be offended or amused at the confusion. "But I don't believe that the pheromones of the Chosen One would be sufficient to lure everyone he has ever met in his entire life to a single spot."
"It isn't everyone I ever..." began Harry indignantly just as Hagrid stuck his head out the rear door of the hotel kitchen. Quickly he tugged Severus behind the nearest bush. "Fine, then -- you explain it."
"I believe it must be a response to some sort of homing signal," Severus said. "Much like bees or doxies will pursue the queen of their...duck!"
"The queen of their duck?" asked Harry blankly, just as something very like a fireball went whizzing past his head. It missed Severus only because Severus had dropped to the ground. Squatting next to him, Harry muttered, "But what sort of wizard produces a homing signal?"
"Not a wizard, a magical creature. Perhaps something in need of assistance."
"The Tentacula?"
"I said a magical creature, not a plant." Severus brushed ashes off his shoulder. "If a magical being were removed from its home..."
The sentence remained unfinished because of a bloodcurdling scream that Harry recognized as Molly Weasley's. "GINNY! HOW COULD YOU? WITH THAT BOY!"
Harry clutched Severus's arm, more to steady himself after his drop to the ground than from any need for protection. "Looks like your diversionary tactic is still wreaking havoc," said Severus, pulling Harry into the lee of the building as Hagrid's great booming voice sounded over the melee.
"Here now, Molly, what's all the hullabaloo?"
"I couldn't think of anything else," protested Harry, leaning against the stone wall of the hotel kitchen. It occurred to him that they were relatively alone for the first time since coming down to dinner. He ran a finger down one sleeve. Busy scanning the wedge of light emanating from the kitchen, Severus started in surprise.
The heat in Harry's expression must have conveyed his intent because Severus snorted softly. "Now? Do you have erotic feelings every time you're in danger?"
"We aren't in danger, not exactly," Harry said, leaning over to kiss Severus's cheek. Severus promptly pulled away as a squawk of something that sounded like a phoenix being stuffed into a roaster reverberated out the back door. Harry sighed. "All right, what sort of magical creature could alert every witch and wizard in Britain that it needs help?"
Glancing once again at the light spilling over from the kitchen, Severus leaned back against the wall as well. "Not every witch and wizard in Britain," he said thoughtfully. He turned to look at Harry, who tried his best to look as though magical creatures avoided him at all costs. "Every witch and wizard associated with you."
Harry gulped. "But --" Severus put his hand over Harry's mouth. Someone had just run out the kitchen door, sobbing. To judge by the mane of ginger hair, it was Ginny. Or George in drag, which, considering how their evening was going so far, wouldn't have surprised Harry.
"Shouldn't we -- " Harry said, when Severus's fingers slipped off his mouth.
"No."
"But -- "
"No." The hand was back over Harry's mouth again, which wasn't helping the little flare Harry's libido got every time Severus touched him. The door swung open again and Hagrid stomped out, something slung over his back. Something that looked suspiciously like Molly Weasley. In fact it was sputtering exactly like Molly Weasley. Or George in a really bad dress. They headed in the direction of Sprout and Slughorn before the shadows swallowed them. The door banged again and Arthur Weasley, breathing hard, peered into the gloom. One of his shoes was on fire.
"Yeah, you're right, not our business," Harry said, leaning back against the cool stone wall.
"Focus, just this once," Severus said, lifting his knees and resting his forearms on them. They both wrinkled their noses as the stench of burnt shoe leather wafted across their nostrils.
"I am focused." Harry exhaled, then prompted. "All right, so a bunch of witches and wizards who know me..."
"It's just a theory," Severus said, "but suppose some creature knew you had a thing for saving people --"
"I do not have a thing for saving people!"
"Very well, suppose some creature knew your reputation as the Chosen One." Severus smirked. "Though I believe it would be a mistake to limit our suspicions to creatures capable of reading the Daily Prophet."
"Stop mocking me if you want me to focus! What sort of creature is capable of, what did you say, a homing signal? Since I don't think this is all from bees or doxies."
"Doxy hive behavior does not affect wizards," agreed Severus. "And bees are creatures of instinct. I believe that we must be dealing with greater intelligence for it to have gathered so many of your friends and associates..."
"Are you saying it uses telepathy?"
The question earned Harry yet another roll of his former professor's eyes. "I suppose you remember nothing of what I tried to teach you about Legilimency. Only Muggles believe in telepathy, as if the mind contained a simple set of instructions for managing one's daily activities and a straightforward narrative of one's memories."
Harry frowned, trying to pull a particular memory from his own thoughts without benefit of a Pensieve. "I remember you said there was no such thing as mind-reading because the mind wasn't like a book," he said. "'The mind is complex and many-layered.' So this creature, whatever it is, would have had to know about me, and to have affected whatever part of my mind would make me want to visit a particular place. But then why bring almost every wizard I've ever met? To make sure I turn up?"
"Or to make you pay attention to the situation," nodded Severus. "Our original plan was to lock ourselves upstairs and not to interact with anyone, wizard or magical beast." He sighed as Draco came running out of the kitchen, clothing singed, heading in the direction that Ginny, Hagrid, and the others had taken.
"All right, I'm paying attention! But why go to all this trouble? Why couldn't any creature that could lure me to a specific place find a way to tell me..." Then Harry had a terrible thought. "Because it can't talk to me, that's why," he said slowly. "It's not because I'm the Chosen One. It's because I'm a Parselmouth."
Severus fixed him with a stern glare. "I thought you told me that since you were freed from the fragment of the Dark Lord's soul which gave you that ability, you haven't been able to speak to snakes."
"Exactly." A long tentacle emerged from the kitchen, weaving toward the vegetable garden. Harry watched it unhappily. "Everyone knew I was a Parselmouth -- Skeeter quoted Justin Finch-Fletchley about it in the Daily Prophet. I've spoken to enough snakes that it's probably known among some of them, too. I haven't really had an occasion to announce that I can't speak Parseltongue any more. If we find out that some sort of serpent brought us all here, how am I supposed to know what to do to help it?"
"The giant squid cannot speak to wizards, yet it has been known to beg for food, ask to be petted, offer rides, and rescue drowning students," Severus replied thoughtfully. He got to his feet and brushed off his clothing. "If you discovered a wounded serpent in Lake Windermere, even without the ability to speak to it, would you try to assist it?"
"Of course," Harry said automatically, then quickly added, "Which does not mean I have a thing for saving people!" He thought a moment. "Or squid." He let Severus help him to his feet, then they both crouched back against the wall as a cook -- to judge from his puffy white hat -- dashed out of the much-abused kitchen door, cursing -- presumably -- in a language Harry didn't understand.
"Interesting," Severus said, taking a chance and peering around the rocky jut of the wall. The cook waved one hand expressively, paused as if listening to a reply, then let loose another stream of non-English invective.
Harry stood on his tip-toes to try to see over Severus's shoulder. "What is?" Severus waved him to silence but the cook shouted something and ran off down the path. "What's interesting?"
"Do you number French among your languages?" Severus asked. At Harry's negative shake of his head, Severus said, "I believe he mentioned calmar. My French is only schoolbook at best and theoretical in practice, but he used a word that means squid."
"Well, it is on the menu," replied Harry, earning himself a murderous look. "You don't think the Giant Squid is actually the creature we're looking for? I mean, I used to speak Parseltongue, not squid-ish."
Just then the lights seemed to go out, as if someone had used Peruvian Darkness Powder, blotting out the moon and the sprinkling of stars overhead for a moment. At the same time, there was a giant whoosh of air, as though a great bird had flown overhead.
"What the --" Harry began, but before he could even finish the question, Severus had drawn his wand.
"Lumos Maxima!" The sky overhead lit up as if a rocket had gone off. Just in time for both of them to see the tip of a dragon's tail disappearing toward the lake.
"Fuck."
"Indeed."
"Was that --"
"Hmmm."
Harry groaned and nearly collapsed, er, sat back down. Even the cold hard ground was better than confronting a dragon. Confronting? What was he thinking? He didn't have a thing for saving dragons, either. "I think we should go home," Harry said, tugging on Severus's sleeve. "Now." He noticed that he was tugging but Severus wasn't budging. "Our own bed, tucked up together, yes, just the thing." He feigned a broad yawn, stretching his arms as if suddenly too tired to stand. "Just the thing," he repeated, when Severus still looked deep in thought.
"Severus?" Harry waved a hand in front of Severus's face. "Home? Bed? Tucked?"
"Dragons are serpents," responded Severus, as if coming out of a trance. "Very large ones, true --"
"Very true," agreed Harry, "With really large everything, including teeth. Or are they fangs?" He tried to picture a dragon's mouth precisely but since the times he'd seen -- and ridden -- a dragon, he'd been very intent on not getting too close to its mouth, it wasn't easy. "Oh," he said, his heart sinking when he realized where Severus was going with this. "No, absolutely not, I'm not going to follow that --"
"Follow that dragon!"
With a start, Harry realized that it was Hagrid who had called out. Instinctively, they both pressed back against the dubious protection of the stone wall as giant footfalls sounded down the path.
"See, Hagrid can take care of it," whispered Harry hopefully. "I mean, he's had loads more experience with magical creatures than I have. And Parselmouth or not, I never managed to speak to a dragon, or the Tri-Wizard Tournament would have started off a lot more easily for me. No dragon is going to listen to me."
"Clearly the dragon is not obeying Hagrid," muttered Severus.
"But maybe we've got this all wrong. Maybe the dragon, or whatever brought us here, was looking for people connected to Hagrid, not to me. I mean, he knows the Weasleys and the Malfoys and Neville."
"True. However, he has a much longer acquaintance with Professor Sinistra and Madam Pomfrey, neither of whom has made an appearance." Pausing, Severus looked around fearfully, but no witches emerged from the trees. "I somehow doubt that Longbottom and Granger are the first people Hagrid thinks to summon in a crisis. These are your nearest and dearest..."
"The Malfoys are not my nearest and dearest!" That had come out very nearly as a shout, and Harry bit his lip before Severus could clamp a hand over his mouth again. "If anything, they're your nearest and dearest."
"They certainly aren't Hagrid's." Severus moved away from the wall again in the direction of the lake. "You saved Draco's life twice that I am aware of."
"Yes, but I almost killed him, except you came in and saved him in the loo." Harry groaned. "You mean I'm going to be paying for saving Draco for the rest of my life by having him show up every time some creature wants my help?" He thought of Draco's expression when they had walked in on him and Ginny earlier and couldn't help snickering. "Let him find out what the dragon wants. Seems only fair to me..."
There was a bright light and a sudden crash directly in front of them, causing Harry and Severus to shrink back against the wall once more. A tangle of arms and legs slowly unraveled themselves. "Bloody hell!"
It was Charlie Weasley. Somehow this did not come as any surprise. The rusting shovel that he had apparently used as a Portkey rolled toward Severus. "Professor Snape? Is that you?"
"And me," Harry said, stepping forward with a sigh of relief. "Perfect timing. Hagrid needs help with a dragon."
"Is Hagrid here? Perfect timing for me too, then!" Charlie grinned. "Norbert's gone missing."
"Norbert?" For some reason that name sent shivers of cold dread down his spine. "Oh no," he said, grabbing Severus's arm.
"Who or what is a --"
"That was Norbert?" Harry groaned, swaying slightly, despite Severus's steadfast uprightness.
Severus looked up, as if scanning for the errant dragon. "Norbert is a dragon?" Both Harry and Charlie looked at him as though he was a hapless first-year.
"Norwegian Ridgeback," Charlie explained, "Sweetest little -- "
"Sweet?" Harry yelped. "He bit me, more than once, and all we were trying to do is get him out of the school."
Severus swung around, mouth agape. "You had a dragon at the school?"
"Not a very big one," Harry gulped, looking to Charlie for assistance.
"He's only about twenty feet," Charlie said, holding his hands apart about a foot as though indicating a baby dragon. "Won't get his adult scales for a few years yet."
"Dragon scales are very valuable," a voice sounded from the dark. Professor Slughorn, now decently clothed, though several buttons on his waistcoat looked mismatched to their buttonholes, had slipped up behind them.
"Dragon hunting is illegal," Charlie said, swinging around to frown at Slughorn.
"Of course it is," Professor Sprout said, coming up behind Slughorn and patting his arm. "Just like Tentacula cultivation except under controlled environments." She smiled much more serenely than her tone indicated. "Very controlled, " she added sweetly.
Harry didn't try to untangle their row, turning instead to Severus while Slughorn sputtered his innocence. "Besides, Norbert wasn't mine, he was Hagrid's."
"As much as a dragon can belong to anyone," Charlie said, a bit defensively.
"Do you know if a dragon could understand Parseltongue?" Severus asked, ignoring the rising voices of Slughorn and Sprout. Without communicating their intention, all three of them moved away from the quarrelling pair.
"Parseltongue?" asked Charlie in surprise, rubbing his chin as they headed down the path, following the trail of singed grass along the path. "Not that I've heard, but we don't have a lot of --" His gaze skittered to Harry then away before he continued. "Research on the subject."
"Well, none of them ever listened to a word I've ever said," said Harry hotly, absently stamping on a pile of dry leaves that had sparked and was threatening to burst into flame. "And I think it's safe to say I've seen more of them face to, er, fang than most."
Ahead of them on the path that sloped downward toward the lake, a plume of flame shot up over the trees, lighting up the glittering lake ahead before dying as sparks sizzled into the dark mere.
"Was that --" Harry asked, grabbing Severus's sleeve again.
"A tentacle," replied Severus with a sigh.
"Dragons don't have tentacles," Charlie said, obviously confused.
"Not a dragon, a squid," Severus explained as another plume of fire shot up, slightly to the left of the first one. From the shore ahead of them came the distinct oohs and ahhhs of a group of people, who must have mistaken the flames for fireworks.
"Must be a pretty big squid," Charlie said, his attention not on the lake at all but overhead, trying to spot his errant charge.
"A giant squid," clarified Harry. He met Severus's gaze, seeing his own hopes for getting out of there before not one but two magical creatures had been sorted out going up like so much smoke from the dragon's snout.
"Not the Giant Squid? From our lake in Hogsmeade?"
"I suspect that it is, indeed, the very same." Severus got out his wand and sent an Aguamenti spell at a nearby tree, where falling sparks had caught in the leaves. "Mr. Weasley, is it possible for a dragon to communicate with a giant squid?"
"They're both very intelligent," said Charlie, coming to a full stop and causing both Harry and Severus to crash into him. Something huge and dark was causing the trees around them to sway. "I've never heard of a dragon befriending a giant squid, but that may simply be because they rarely encounter one another."
Harry was clutching at Charlie's arm to remain upright, and discovered, when the sky cleared, that Severus was glaring at him. It just wasn't fair. "This is a lake, not a river. And the lake in Hogsmeade doesn't connect to another body of water, at least not on any maps I've seen. So unless a giant squid can fly or make a Portkey, I don't see how it could be our Giant Squid."
"Of course -- that's why Norbert is here!" Charlie grinned at Severus as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. When Harry gaped at both of them, he added, "Magical squid have the most mysterious reproductive cycle of almost any creature. They live a long time and only breed very rarely, but since they tend to be solitary, they have to travel great distances to meet their mates."
"But Norbert isn't a giant squid," said Harry, thoroughly confused.
"No, but a dragon would respond to a giant squid's mating signals the same as any other creature. Do you know that a male giant squid has a meter-long penis?"
Harry really, really had not needed to know that, but it was apparently no surprise to Hagrid, who was approaching up the hill with an enormous smile on his face. "Charlie Weasley!" The hug Hagrid gave Charlie could have smothered a first-year but Charlie accepted it enthusiastically. After the two had exchanged greetings, Hagrid said, "I s'pose you know that Norbert's here."
"That's why I'm here," nodded Charlie. "Professor Snape has a theory."
"I do not," interrupted Severus.
"It seems the Giant Squid is here as well," Charlie continued as if Severus had not spoken. "I'm sure you know all about squid mating signals..."
A loud whoosh in the trees and the flapping of wings nearly knocked all of them over, even Hagrid. "Wait a minute," sputtered Harry as they staggered upright in its wake. "You're saying that the Giant Squid put out some kind of mating signal-thing? That Norbert picked up all those miles away, and then brought the Giant Squid here? To shag another squid in Lake Windermere?"
"Well, that is how the Giant Squid finds its mate," Hagrid declared as though Harry ought to have known this from The Monster Book of Monsters. "When the Giant Squid gets in that mood, every creature around it begins to get amorous, if you know what I mean."
"Fuck," Harry groaned.
"If you want to put it that way..."
"No, that's not what I meant!" Now that he knew about the huge squid penis, Harry was just as happy that he and Severus had never gone on that romantic boat ride. "I meant, could that be why just about everybody we know is here? At Lake Windermere? Putting on public displays of affection?"
"Who else is here?" Charlie asked curiously.
"Well, your parents, and Ron and Hermione, and George and Angelina, and Ginny and Draco..."
"Ginny and who?"
"And the Malfoys and Minerva and Neville and Horace and Pomona and Olympe." Hagrid said that last with a happy sigh.
"Madame Maxime is here?" Harry asked, probably unnecessarily, to judge by Hagrid's blissful expression. All they were missing was his giant half-brother...and Harry nearly cringed with a loud roar echoed over the lake, wondering if he was doing accidental transportation magic and bringing Grawp here just by thinking about him. Luckily -- though their luck was seriously in question -- the roar was just another pass of leathery wings as the dragon soared overhead.
"'Course she is," replied Hagrid, as both his and Charlie's gazes scanned the night sky for a clue about the direction Norbert was taking.
"Merlin's beard, is every witch and wizard in Britain here tonight?" Severus asked, with fairly understandable exasperation.
"Practically," came Lucius Malfoy's smoothly urbane voice as his stick, then himself came into the area of light they'd created here away from prying eyes. He raised one hand -- Harry could not help but feel a little smug at the hastily conjured sticking plaster on the back of his hand with something greenish leaking from it. "You'll be glad to know I've dealt with the Muggles."
It took a moment for the words to sink in, so horrified was the silence that met this pronouncement.
"Lucius, you didn't -- didn't --" Severus began, and Harry was proud that Severus was as horror-struck as he was.
"There he is!" Charlie shouted, wheeling away from them and giving chase to a fresh plume of fire even though his course led him straight into the underbrush and through the trees.
"Now, Harry, I'm sure Mr. Malfoy didn't mean that," Hagrid said, petting Harry's shoulder hard enough to send him several inches into the hardened earth of the path. "Everyone knows You-Know-Who put him under an Unforgivable Curse to make him do all his bidding and be his lackey like that." At Malfoy's harrumph, Hagrid loped off through the underbrush after Charlie, and presumably, their errant dragon.
"Please tell me you didn't do anything," Severus tried again, only to have Malfoy roll his eyes.
"What do you take me for?" he asked, tapping something that looked like dragon dung off his boot.
"A murdering traitorous Death Eater," supplied Harry, feeling Severus's fingers on his collar in case the urge to lunge at Malfoy got the better of him.
"Come, come," Malfoy said, pushing the offending offal off the path, "ex-Death Eater. And what are you all so worried about? It was just a dozen Muggles."
"Oh God," Harry said, as Severus's fingers clenched tighter in anti-lunge mode.
Patiently, Severus asked, "What exactly did you do to them?"
"I don't mind telling you it wasn't easy getting them all at once," Lucius began with patently false modesty.
"You didn't get them all at once, because I helped you," put in Arthur Weasley, striding down the path. He also smelled a bit like dragon dung.
"You helped him?" Harry said weakly, wondering how much squid pheromones could affect human brains.
"Knocked 'em all out, levitated them up to their own beds, modified their memories. Worst thing they'll remember in the morning is that the Boeuf Bourguignon was a little off tonight."
"But what if they didn't have Boeuf Bourguignon?" asked Harry.
"Trust me, they did," replied Arthur. He looked thoughtful. "I just hope I got them all in the right beds." He shook off his self-doubt with his customary jovial good nature. "Well, we'll find out in the morning, won't we?"
From somewhere in the distance came a shower of sparks, then a loud cheer. Apparently any Muggles still by the lake were either sleepy or drunk enough to believe the jets of flame they were witnessing were a particularly interesting fireworks display. "Speaking of bed, I'm afraid I must retire for the evening," Malfoy announced, hiding a yawn behind his hand.
Severus glanced between Arthur and Lucius with a faintly alarmed expression. "Have you resolved your accommodations, then?"
"Oh, Malfoy here agreed to vacate the suite," Arthur said amiably. "Seems he thought the Ministry was having him followed and came to this Muggle place for some privacy."
"The Ministry wasn't having him followed?" Harry demanded.
Arthur waved a hand. "The Ministry has more pressing matters than pursuing reformed Death Eaters."
"Reformed!" yelled Harry, though it turned into more of a yelp as Severus's fingers gripped his shoulder. "After what you tried to do to Hermione? And Ron?"
"Reformed," Lucius nodded, looking infuriatingly smug. "My wife and I will both be far more comfortable at the exclusive wizard resort on the other side of the lake. Until the end of the last century, it catered only to purebloods."
Harry glanced at Severus and found that he had schooled his expression to seem perfectly unperturbed. "Then I suppose you're fine with your son dating his daughter," he sniped at Malfoy, indicating Arthur.
It felt as though Severus might snap his collarbone, but to Harry's astonishment, both of the other men laughed. "At least she's dating someone who can afford to travel to see all her Quidditch matches," said Arthur.
"At least he's not gay," said Lucius. The two trudged past Harry and Severus, still laughing together.
"Remind me to ask Charlie exactly how those squid pheromone things work," muttered Harry.
"Perhaps they can be extracted and used in potions, eh, Severus?" That was Slughorn, looking rather dejected. Harry wondered whether Sprout had tossed him out over the Tentacula, though if Lucius Malfoy and Arthur Weasley could bond under the influence of the Giant Squid, he couldn't imagine that the professor would stay grumpy for long.
"Probably illegal potions," nodded Severus, pointing down the path. "Charlie Weasley might be able to tell you. He went that way."
Slughorn moved off, leaving Harry and Severus alone once more. "Now can we leave?" Harry asked plaintively. "I assume Charlie can take care of the dragon, and Hagrid can take care of the squid -- those are their jobs, after all -- and Sprout can take care of the Tentacula."
Before Severus could reply, a scream tore through the trees. "You liar!"
Harry's eyes widened. "That's Ginny," he said. Sure enough, moments later, Draco Malfoy raced in front of them, holding up his unfastened trousers with one hand and fumbling for his wand with the other. Behind him came Ginny, wand out, face blazing with fury. And behind her came the hapless bellboy who had taken Harry and Severus to Draco and Ginny's room. Harry couldn't help but notice that his trousers were unfastened as well.
"Ginny?" Harry called out as Draco stumbled over some dragon dung, or perhaps it was the hex that sizzled off the end of Ginny's wand and hit Draco squarely in the bum.
"Harry?" She skidded to a halt, glaring when Draco ducked behind Severus, clinging to his former Head of House. "Don't tell me you didn't know about this!"
She raised her wand, but seemed undecided on her target. The bellboy took his cue from Draco and hid behind Harry. "Hey!" Harry yelped.
"She's mental," Draco whined, giving the appearance of trying to make himself as small as possible behind Severus's back.
"Filthy liar," shouted Ginny, as purple sparks shot out of the end of her wand. "And you!" she growled, levelling her wand at Harry. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Severus seemed to be trying to edge over in front of Harry, much to Draco's dismay. "Tell you what, Miss Weasley?" he asked, with suspicious mildness. Despite Draco's wiggling, Harry thought he could see Severus's hand in his wand pocket.
Her eyes narrowed. "You're one of them too," she said, sounding more than a bit dangerous "You and Harry and Draco and...and..."
"Elroy!" called out a voice from behind Harry -- the cowering bellboy.
"And Elroy," Ginny repeated. "Every man in the world is gay." She hiccuped. "At least all the good ones. You could have told me." Her gaze hardened as her wand, which had been dipping, whipped back up.
"Me?" Harry sputtered, trying to shake off Elroy, who was having none of it. "How would I know about Draco?" Daring to take his eyes of Ginny -- and her wand -- he realized Severus was looking askance at him as well. "Hey, you don't think Draco and I would ever -- eww!" He made a face, ignoring Ginny's wavering wand.
Draco poked his head around Severus's coattails at this. "What's wrong with me?" he demanded. Letting go of Severus's coat for a moment, he waved behind Harry's back. "What's his name there --"
"Elroy!" came the muffled voice behind Harry's back.
"Elroy didn't think I was hideous," Draco pointed out, ducking back behind Severus's back when Ginny's wand zeroed in on him.
"You're a rotten, filthy liar," Ginny gritted out, the tip of her wand starting to glow. "You brought me here for a romantic weekend and then I found you in a broom closet with...with..."
"Elroy," said Severus and Harry together. There was a whimper behind Harry's back as the bellboy cringed. And he hadn't even seen Ginny's Bat Bogey Hex.
"First of all, I didn't exactly bring you," Draco whimpered. "You sort of invited yourself..."
"We were in bed together and you mentioned you were going to a romantic hotel!" This was really more information than Harry wanted, but Ginny wasn't finished. "Then you said that it would be helpful if someone who knew Muggle customs came along, and I mentioned that my father loves to study Muggles, and you said that was lucky!"
"That does sound like an invitation," Severus drawled.
"Stay out of this!" A moment later, Draco was sorry he'd spoken, for Severus stepped neatly out of the way, leaving Draco exposed to Ginny's wand. "I mean -- yes, I invited you, but we never said we were going to be exclusive!"
A moment later Draco shrieked as several greenish crab-like animals shot from the end of Ginny's wand, landing on the ground in front of Draco and immediately beginning to climb his trouser legs. "You knew your parents were coming here, didn't you!" she shouted. "You wanted us to get caught! You only wanted to go out with me because you thought that it might persuade your parents that they'd rather see you with a boy than a blood traitor girl!"
"What's a blood traitor?" Elroy whispered to Harry.
"That was your plan all along, wasn't it!" shrieked Ginny. "So then you can go find yourself someone who's more your type, some pureblood boy!"
"Er, Ginny?" Harry began, holding up his hands when she whirled with her wand aimed at him. "Whatever else Draco might have lied about, I don't think he picks his partners based on the purity of their wizarding blood." He jerked his head in Elroy's direction behind himself.
"Geeeny?"
They all turned, though Ginny's wand never wavered. Harry knew that voice. "Viktor Krum!" he exclaimed. He had never been happier to see the handsome Quidditch star in his life. "What brings you to the Lake District?"
"Oh, Viktor, hello." Ginny straightened, lowering her wand, brushing a hand self-consciously through her hair and wiping her feet on the grass as if she'd suddenly realized she might have stepped in dragon dung. "What a nice surprise." She was blushing.
"Surprise?" Viktor said, looking puzzled, "but your note --" He began patting his pockets and pulled out a folded parchment. "You said ve should meet here --"
"Don't be silly!" Ginny said, grabbing his arm and attempting to tug him away from the path. "Why would I do that?"
Viktor remained rooted to the spot, scanning the contents of the note. "See, it says right here, come to the most private hotel in England, don't ask for my room, I vill meet you by the lake at dusk." He looked up toward the glittering lake beyond the smoldering trees. "There is the lake and here you are!" He folded the note as if that settled it.
"Erm," began Ginny, smiling over-brightly as Draco, who had managed to beat off most of the bat bogey creatures, began to put it all together. Harry remembered that in school she'd never been one for sitting around without a male companion. Or two.
"So, you invited Viktor Krum to our romantic weekend?" sneered Draco, reaching for his own wand. Unfortunately he'd never finished fastening his trousers so when he took his hand away from the waistband, they slid down his legs like two snakes.
"At least I had a date and not some random Muggle!" screeched Ginny. Harry also remembered that she was fully as good a screecher as her mum. If he hadn't suspected he was gay already, dating her might have tipped the balance.
"What's a Muggle?" asked Elroy into the unfortunately timed silence. They all turned to look at him. He'd managed, just barely, to get his trousers fastened.
"All right, who's going to Obliviate him?" asked Severus, scanning their faces.
"What's Obliviate?" asked Elroy, clinging now to Harry's sleeve with no little amount of desperation.
"I'm not going to do it," Draco said haughtily, kicking aside a particularly stubborn bat bogey from his leg. "I'm rubbish at such commonplace magic. I'd probably fry his brains."
"Why are ve Obliviating this Muggle?" said Viktor in obvious confusion, though he really hadn't sounded not-confused since he'd arrived.
"If Draco could have kept his pants on, we wouldn't have this problem," sniffed Ginny, still clinging to Viktor's arm.
"Me? So says Miss Quidditch Player Waiting In the Wings," Draco said with a sneer.
"What's...what's Quidditch?" asked Elroy, who now had a death grip on Harry's sleeve.
"Oh for heaven's sake, I'll do it, if just to get the bothersome thing off my husband," Severus said in exasperation, pointing his wand at Elroy.
"Husband?" said Ginny, Viktor, and Draco all at once.
"That one I got," Elroy informed Harry in a stage whisper.
"Husband," confirmed Harry. "We got married two weeks ago, and we've been trying to have a proper honeymoon since we got here."
Viktor was the first one to speak. "Congratulations!" he said, clapping Harry on the back. "And to you, professor," he added, looking like he was about to do the same to Severus, deterred just in time by a fierce glare. There was a round of hand shaking that even Elroy joined in on.
Ginny gave Harry a very chaste kiss on the cheek under Severus's watchful gaze. "You might have invited me," she huffed. "You should have known we'd all be happy for you..."
Extending his arms, Draco stretched his face in a patently false yawn. "Well, must be toddling along, have to get up early and all that," he said, his pale face completely unsuited to the lie he was telling.
"Right," Ginny put in, tugging at Viktor's arm, "Good thing I have another room reserved."
"I can't believe you came here with me but reserved your own room," sniffed Draco, still put out.
"There isn't enough room for my things in the middle of all your hair care potions," Ginny shot back. She tossed her own hair, and Viktor smiled. "Race you?"
The two were off, Ginny laughing, Viktor charging up the path, before Draco finally stopped fussing with his clothes. "Are you coming?" he asked. Harry thought at first that Draco was addressing himself and was about to invent a stalling excuse when he realized that Draco was looking past him at Elroy.
"Are you inviting me?" asked Elroy slowly.
Severus cleared his throat. "Obliviation?" he asked pointedly.
Draco shrugged. "Who's he going to tell? He doesn't know what a Bat Bogey Hex is, and everyone by the lake saw the dragon."
"Dragon?" repeated Elroy blankly. "You mean the fireworks?"
"All right, go," Severus ordered. Draco did not need to be told twice. He fled up the path in the direction Ginny and Viktor had taken, with Elroy following close behind.
Sighing, Severus scanned the sky. There were no more flames, just a smoky, foul-smelling miasma. "Do you suppose Mr. Weasley has recaptured the dragon?" he asked.
"How is the Giant Squid going to get back to Hogwarts if he did?" When Severus gazed at Harry in alarm, Harry added quickly, "I'm just curious! It's not a saving people thing."
"Isn't it?" But Severus looked more amused than angry. "This is what I get for marrying The Boy Who Saved Me."
Harry grinned at him. "You say the most romantic things." Just then, there was a loud crash like a burnt branch falling to the ground, and they both turned toward it. "Are we going to ignore that?"
"I suppose," said Severus, "that I could create a Portkey that would take Hagrid and the Giant Squid both to the lake at Hogsmeade, once the Squid has finished its business here."
"Wouldn't Hagrid have to be in the water with the Squid?"
"Yes, he would." For some reason Severus appeared to find this satisfying.
Harry laughed, sliding his arms around Severus's waist. "You're very sexy when you're thinking wicked thoughts," he said.
"You can say that even though we both smell like dragon dung?" Severus replied, though Harry noticed he didn't pull away, even when another crash sounded from somewhere near the lake, followed by a large splash.
Harry just used the distraction to burrow closer, still chuckling. "I think that's you -- Mr. Malfoy was flinging it off that stupid stick of his." He felt the gentle tingle of a cleaning spell and sighed against Severus's chest. "You know, it's been ten whole seconds and we haven't been interrupted."
Severus opened his mouth to reply, but closed it, as if listening for another voice. When none came, Harry felt him relaxing slightly, even draping his arms over Harry's shoulders. "I suppose this means we should stay the night here, so I can give the Portkey to Hagrid in the morning."
"Mmmm," Harry said, leaning against his chest, only flinching slightly when a flock of bats swooped overhead, flying off in a pelter away from the dragon. "We do have a perfectly good bed in the hotel," he pointed out.
"Assuming Miss Weasley hasn't commandeered it for yet another paramour," replied Severus, his voice now very close to Harry's ear.
Chuckling, Harry lifted his face, grateful for the darkness even though it still smelled of smoke and dung this close to the lake. "She's not that bad," he said, feeling it was his duty as a Gryffindor to defend her honor. "She's just, er, energetic."
"As long as she isn't 'energetic' with you," said Severus. Harry looked up again at the edge in his voice.
"She's not my type," he said simply, letting his hands drift down Severus's backside.
"Your judgment may be seriously impaired," replied Severus, the edge vanishing from his tone. "After all, you did marry me."
"That just means I have good judgment and good sense," Harry said, perfectly content, after the evening they'd had, to simply stand here and not be interrupted. Especially when familiar fingers pushed into his hair. Severus had never been able to resist stroking his hair.
"It was your judgment that led us here instead of some blissful honeymoon spot, say the bottom of a coal mine or an abandoned prison fortress," Severus purred, though Harry noticed that he didn't make a move away from this temporary safe haven either.
The glow of the moon provided the only light coming through the enormous windows, reflected below in the lake and in the lingering smoke from the now-doused fires. Harry shut the curtains quickly before some any other creature could come flying past. Even before it was fully dark, there appeared to be no sign in the room of Draco, Ginny, Elroy, George, Angelina, Arthur, Molly, Lucius, Narcissa, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Professor McGonagall, Professor Sprout, Professor Slughorn, Hagrid, Charlie, Madame Maxime, Viktor, Norbert, the Giant Squid, flocks of bats or anyone else besides themselves. By the time he had checked the lock on the door and kicked off his shoes, Severus had finished turning down the bedspread.
"Let's get these off you," said Harry, sliding a hand up Severus's arm.
"So long as that's you touching me and not the Tentacula."
Harry laughed. "I don't think they can open doors. Though if you want to send an owl to Professor Sprout..."
"Bed. Now." Severus aimed his wand at Harry, causing all his clothes to unbutton, unfasten, and fall in a heap around his feet.
Grinning, Harry sat on the bed, raising his own wand with a Lumos spell to watch as Severus undressed more slowly, without using magic. He leered a bit at Severus. "Is that a giant snake that got into your trousers, or are you just happy to see me?"
"You're the Parselmouth." Severus cast a dire glance at the now-covered windows as if he expected Norbert to fly straight through the glass and strike up a conversation with Harry. "Perhaps you could create a charm to tell any snakes in the vicinity to go away."
"But I want this snake to come closer." Harry wrapped his feet around Severus's thigh and tugged him toward the bed, sliding back to pull him along. "I haven't seen him in hours and I've missed him."
"I suppose you could give him a kiss," allowed Severus, shifting onto the mattress beside Harry. "But don't even attempt to speak Parseltongue. With the luck we've had, a snake will crawl out from under the bed."
"Told you, I can't speak Parseltongue any more." Harry leaned over and lifted the dust ruffle. "No snakes under here," he said. Swinging himself back up, he turned so that his face was level with Severus's groin. "Mmm, now I see that you're definitely happy to see me..."
He kissed Severus's cock, feeling it twitch against his lips as Severus groaned. "I'm always happy to see you -- it's having to see everyone else we know that's a distraction. Especially at the most private hotel in England."
"That's the Squid's fault, not mine," Harry demurred, licking up and down the shaft. "Maybe it read the same brochure I did."
Severus had turned across the bed so that his mouth was now level with Harry's hips. He rubbed his nose along Harry's thigh, snorting. "I hope everyone in Cumbria is watching its courtship behavior," he muttered.
"This is the only courtship behavior I care about," Harry said, shivering happily at Severus's attention.
A soft chuckle came from the other end of the bed. "I didn't exactly court you. It was mostly --" He seemed to be considering his words.
Harry blew softly over the damp spot he'd left on Severus's cock. "Shouting. And shagging. No wonder I fell in love with you."
Not to be outdone in cock-nuzzling, Harry got in a few dedicated licks before he said, "You didn't douse me with squid pheromones, did you?"
"Oh, you were much easier than that," Severus replied, his mouth gratifyingly full of cock. His fingers trailed up the wiry hair of Harry's thigh, brushing a sensitive spot just below his balls.
"Can I help it if you have a very sexy shout?" Harry said, moaning a bit when the fingers explored behind his balls.
"You needed a good shouting at," Severus said, teasing the wrinkled skin just at the entrance to his arse. "And a good shag."
Harry whimpered his encouragement. "I think that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me."
"If I had known you were so easily swayed by my shouting, I'd have done it years ago." The teasing finger had done no more than swirl around the sensitive opening, despite Harry's unspoken coaxing.
"You did do it years ago," said Harry with a moan, his cheek sliding over Severus's thigh, "It just wasn't sexy when I was twelve."
The fingertip pressed in, just enough for Harry to feel his intent but no further. "You have no idea what a relief that is," Severus murmured.
"Oh God, speaking of relief," gasped Harry. The git he had married just chuckled, but that teasing finger slid in exactly where Harry wanted it. Belatedly he realized he was ignoring his own husbandly duties. He gave the shaft in front of his nose several frantic swipes of his tongue but they both knew where they wanted this cock to end up.
He squeezed around the fingertip, moaning happily as Severus's cock throbbed against his lips. "Tight," Severus purred approvingly.
"Stretch," Harry pleaded. A moment later the finger pushed in deep, aided by the charm that Severus had cast silently, stroking the spot that sent sparks like magic through Harry's lower body. "More!"
"Soon," promised Severus, slowly working in a second finger while Harry whimpered and tried to press down. "Stop rushing."
"Already waited all night!" As if to emphasize Harry's point, an owl hooted off in the distance. At least, Harry hoped it was an owl. If it was a Giant Squid mating call, he really didn't want to know. "Besides, you never know when..."
"Shhhh!" A finger from the hand not currently busy with Harry's arse covered his mouth. "Don't say it -- don't even think it!"
Whimpering defiantly, Harry sucked the finger, drawing a soft groan from Severus. With a satisfied hum, he released the finger. "You see my point. Now fuck me!"
With a soft snicker, Severus slid the teasing digits from inside Harry, reaching for the lube. "And you tell me that I say romantic things," he said.
"Just stop talking and give me that!" Snatching the potion from Severus's hand, Harry poured a bit over his fingers. Severus's lubricating potions worked very well with only a few drops, though at this point Harry would have been willing to forego it. He rubbed his fingers over Severus's cock impatiently. "Wouldn't you rather put this in my arse?"
Severus arched his hips, thrusting into the sheath of Harry's fingers. "You know there's nothing I would rather do," he panted.
Smirking, Harry lay back, drawing up his knees to expose his bum. "Me neither, so get over here and let's have a proper honeymoon." He felt the bed shift as Severus moved over him, pressing his cock against the well-stretched entrance. "Do it, please, make love to me...husband!"
Severus didn't make Harry ask again. With an eager grunt, he pressed in, the potion allowing him to slide easily back and forth. "Still tight," he said, closing his eyes for a moment and moaning as Harry gripped his inner muscles around the welcome shaft. "Still perfect..."
"You too," panted Harry, sliding his legs higher along Severus's back, tilting his hips up. "Oh God, never going to get enough of this!"
Even though Harry was familiar -- intimately familiar with the flush that spread over Severus's chest, he still loved watching it spread between his nipples and up his throat. The dark hair that Harry loved to push his fingers into swung forward, nearly obscuring Severus's face. They were close enough that Harry could reach up and tuck the loose strands back behind his ears before surrendering to the steady thrust of cock inside him.
"Never going to stop giving it to you," Severus managed, turning his face to press a kiss into Harry's palm, groaning as his hips jerked.
"Best -- oh fuck! -- honeymoon I've ever had!" Harry declared with a groan of his own. He couldn't resist pulling his cock into his own hand, trying to match his strokes to Severus's.
That drew the smoldering gaze down to his face. "It had better be the only honeymoon you ever have," Severus growled. "Wouldn't have --" He turned his face, the hair swinging free along the side of his face again.
The hand that had been raised to Severus's hair curled around his neck, thumb brushing his cheek. "There isn't anyone else in the world I would have married but you. Just you," Harry chanted, "Only ever you." His hand was tugging his cock with each word, unable to look anywhere but at Severus's face. He'd kissed every inch of it, breathed over every patch of skin on Severus's body, clung against him in passion and languor and delight but he knew he would never ever get tired of just this moment, when Severus was completely his, and he would be the only person ever to see what he looked like when he was about to come.
The smolder in the heated gaze sparked at Harry's words, and Harry shivered. "Mine," Severus whispered, so softly Harry nearly missed it, but he had heard it often enough before and it never failed to thrill him.
"Mine," he echoed, giving himself a stroke for emphasis.
"Always," panted Severus. His thrusts were already becoming uneven, thighs slapping against the backs of Harry's as he pushed in again and again.
Harry felt fingers displacing his on his own cock and gave himself over to Severus's strokes. "Love this," he moaned, squeezing hard around Severus's cock as it plunged deep. "Love you!"
Severus's jaw was locked, face contorted in concentration, the way he always looked when he was afraid he might finish before Harry got there too. "Come for me," he ordered, seemingly without moving his lips, the words a low growl in his throat. "Show me, come for me -- oh fuck!"
The cock in Harry's arse slammed in once more, and then everything was indistinct because Harry did just what Severus had demanded, erupting over his hand with a shout as his body writhed in pleasure. He was vaguely aware of Severus shaking against him, still stroking his cock which continued to pulse feebly even after the surge of climax had passed. "Love you," he croaked again, trying to catch his breath, feeling his legs slip against Severus's now-slippery skin.
"Love you." Severus rarely said the words above a whisper, and never when he thought they might be overheard by another. At one time that had bothered Harry a bit -- he didn't like the idea that Severus might be embarrassed or ashamed of being in love with him -- but now he knew that Severus hated the trivial use of those words by people who only meant them in the moment or didn't mean them at all, who only said them to get sex or affection or something else.
Harry sighed happily, squeezing him again before the softening cock slipped out of his arse. "Love being your husband. And love being on a honeymoon with you."
"Finally," muttered Severus, though there was amusement in his voice. He let out a long, contented sigh, flopping heavily at Harry's side and raising the hand that was wet with Harry's come. With a smirk, he sniffed a finger.
"Better than dragon dung?" asked Harry.
The smirk widened as Severus opened his mouth to lick the finger. "Better than whatever that was we were eating in that restaurant," he said with a low chuckle.
That soft laugh still thrilled Harry as much as it had the first time he'd heard it. "Might have been dragon dung," mused Harry, "the way our luck went tonight."
"Shhhhh," Severus cautioned again, brushing his mouth over Harry's. He looked around their room as if there might be a squid cowering under the window seat. "We aren't taking any chances with this marriage. I'm not jinxing it." As if to seal some arcane bargain, he sucked the fingertip into his mouth.
"Superstitious?" Harry asked, watching the fingertip disappear and reappear in a rhythm that could not have been accidental.
"Where you are concerned? Definitely." He dabbed a bit of the slippery stuff coating Harry's belly onto Harry's lower lip and bent to swipe it off. "This is, after all, the only marriage I'm likely to have."
Harry puffed a bit of air against Severus's mouth, tasting himself from his lips. "Likely? I'm not going anywhere," he declared, then relented with a smile. "Well, not anywhere without you." He glanced around their room, double-checking for that renegade squid, or perhaps a baby dragon or two. "Even the busiest most private hotel in England."
That brought out another of those smiles that made Harry remember, if he ever needed reminding, of how much he loved Severus.
"It hasn't been too bad, has it?" he asked, pure innocence. "Aside from --"
His "slip" earned him the desired result of being kissed into silence. "No, it hasn't been too bad," Severus agreed, his palm flat against Harry's chest, keeping their mouths very close. "There have been...compensations." They shared a few more compensations before Severus drew back.
"I mean it," Harry said fervently, "I'm not going anywhere. Good luck or bad, I'm with you no matter what." There was a trumpeting sound from outside that drew both their eyes toward the firmly closed window. Harry continued as if they hadn't heard anything. "This is the only marriage for me too." He wiggled happily under the possessive palm on his chest. "And the only honeymoon."
Severus's eyebrows shot up. "The only honeymoon?"
Harry spluttered, "I just told you I'll never want..."
"...another marriage, I heard you." Against his jaw, Harry could feel Severus smile again. "I see no reason, however, why that should preclude another honeymoon."
"You mean -- you want to go somewhere else? Someplace that might not start out as a total disaster?" Harry smiled back.
"If you are interested," Severus said slowly, biting and releasing Harry's earlobe, "I've been told that the Hotel Saint Barth is the most private hotel in the Caribbean."