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Xie Lian was having a rather good day.
These good days had been so frequent since he’d gotten his husband back after a year apart; days full of love and tenderness and their bodies joined together more often than apart. A honeymoon phase, some could call it, but Xie Lian would never dare call the sheer bliss between him and his husband a phase. Especially after it had been a full year and Xie Lian is still overwhelmed with love for Hua Cheng each time he wakes up and sees that beautiful face resting next to to his, always ready to greet him back in the waking world.
Which is why it’s a harsh surprise when, after an incredible morning with Hua Cheng, where they slept in late and his husband peppered his entire body with gentle kisses and Xie Lian greedily kept begging for more until there was nowhere left unmarked, Xie Lian is suddenly hit with a piercing rush of unease.
It’s an unease that starts in his chest and rises up to his throat; it makes his body freeze where he sits, unable to move.
This has not happened since before he had met Hua Cheng.
Why today of all days…Xie Lian wants to laugh and cry, because of course this feeling would come back to haunt him one day. It is a feeling that he dreads; one he despises and is embarrassed of because it makes no sense.
Unfortunately, whenever this happens, there is no catalyst or trigger. He either wakes up with it and has to fight through the day against it, or it will capture him when his guard is down and he is wholly unprepared. The latter is what had happened now, and those episodes were always worse than the former.
Xie Lian cannot pin point when these episodes started. A while after he had almost made the most grave mistake of his life; after that nameless ghost that he now knows had been his beloved husband the while time had died for him — after so much spiralled out of his control, despite how much he tried to keep it within his grasp, there was a part of him that needed something, anything, that he could control and then everything would be fine.
Control is the centre of this anxiety. He had learned that after the first few times where his mind told him if he went and collected a certain trinket, then everything would be fine. One day, it would tell him today, you need to find some scraps of old papers to collect and then tomorrow will be a better day. Another, it would be if you come across any broken glass today, the rest of the week will be against you.
He had often wondered why he had such a fierce need for control on these days. After had had gotten his two cursed shackles, he had accepted that what would happen to him had been left up to fate. With his luck spread out and his immortal body, he knew he would not have much control of his surroundings. However, they had come after everything had spiralled so far out of his control that when even when he tried he failed gravely — being able to control something, no matter how small or silly it may be, would bring him back to earth.
Xie Lian is extremely grateful that they had run out of ink merely minutes before this episode started — he would hate for Hua Cheng to see him in such a state. He hates it because he knows it’s ridiculous — who in their right mind believes avoiding broken glass or collecting a specific thing will secure your fate for the day?
He runs a frustrated hand through his hair because he is probably the one person out there who, on days like this, does believe it.
When this happens, he simply needs to listen to what his mind tells him. Otherwise he will be racked with fear of everything going wrong when it is finally right. Xie Lian cannot risk anything of his present going awry.
So, he will listen to his mind, even when it is torturing him, even when he can’t think normally and the thoughts are pounding against him too fast and too rapidly, he will listen to them, if only to get them to be just a bit quieter, just to get through the day.
Xie Lian stares at the brushes in front of him, the half done calligraphy that he and Hua Cheng were working on forgotten in front of him.
Hua Cheng had been gone for a while, Xie Lian realizes. He’s not sure where his husband gets the ink supply from — he honestly thought Yin Yu just restocked it whenever Hua Cheng needed it, but now that Yin Yu had had to take leave to recover from the war against Jun Wu last year, he must have just not been replenishing it at all — but surely it shouldn’t take more than an hour, right? And it’s been more than an hour.
This thought triggers another. Take all the brushes, clean them and arrange them properly, and he will be home safe. If you don’t, something might happen to him.
Fear seizes Xie Lian. Of course, now that he had Hua Cheng in his life, this anxiety would target him directly. Does Xie Lian know, deep down, that this is his husband’s domain — where he is the safest and most powerful, able to overcome any threat? Yes.
But, Xie Lian is not in a reasonable state of mind when this happens. Thus, he is not reasonable, and carefully lines each brush on the table, before grabbing a bucket and beginning the long, lengthy process of cleaning them until they are pristine.
As long as he does this — thoroughly, properly, with great care and not a single mistake — his husband will be home, safe and sound.
Xie Lian gets to work.
Hua Cheng returns to Qiandeng Temple empty handed, and it’s not his fault — they were sold out of ink. Usually he just makes Yin Yu grab it whenever Xie Lian tells him they need more, but Yin Yu was still recuperating and why would he be keeping track of how much ink they need? Hua Cheng has more important things to pay attention to during his calligraphy lessons. The most important being his beloved husband, who he had unintentionally left for too long. He’ll make it up to him, of course.
Making his way back to where his left his beloved, he eagerly pushes open the door. “Terribly tragic news, Gege. They were all out of ink. I’ll go back tomorrow. Which means that tonight, we can do something much more excit—”
He stops the second his eye lands on Xie Lian. The smile instantly vanishes from his face as he takes in his husband, no longer sitting at the table, instead he is on the ground in a heap, his robes soaked with ink and water. The brushes are lined up neatly in front of him — an odd contrast to the state his husband is in.
Hua Cheng immediately rushes over and kneels beside Xie Lian. “Gege? What happened?” He urges, simultaneously scanning the surroundings for any intruders and taking his husband’s face in his hands to inspect for damage.
As he turns Xie Lian’s face toward him, his heart breaks at the wide-eyed and scared look covering his beloveds face.
Trying to hide the panic in his own voice, he gently asks, “Did something attack you? Did you fall asleep and have a nightmare? Please, your Highness, tell me so I can either go kill them or help you —”
Xie Lian makes a noise of distress, and Hua Cheng doesn’t need a specific person to kill to want to go kill something, anything, that would make his beloved make such a sound.
“Are you unable to speak, Gege?” he questions, looking over the rest of Xie Lian’s body for any injuries. He catches nothing, which makes the situation more off-putting.
He starts as Xie Lian grabs his hands and turns them over, intertwining their fingers in such a way that the red string on Hua Cheng’s finger is parallel with Xie Lian’s own. His husband brushes the string carefully, as if he makes one wrong move it will fall apart.
Hua Cheng’s concern must be evident on his face because Xie Lian speaks without looking at him, and his stomach drops at how quiet the words come out.
”The brushes,” Xie Lian whispers. “I had to clean them. You’re back safe. Because I cleaned them, and arranged them like this.”
Confusion briefly takes over the concern on his face, and Hua Cheng’s brow furrows. “Gege? What do you mean — of course I am safe. We are in Ghost City, remember?”
The look that appears on Xie Lian’s face is a look of sheer shame, embarrassment, and sadness. If Hua Cheng’s heart was beating, it would have stopped.
“…I know, San Lang,….” His husband’s tone is sad, defeated. Hua Cheng never wants to hear him sound like that again.
Hua Cheng takes his husband’s wrist to check his pulse — which he is horrified to find is rapid. As he takes in his husband’s state once again, his heart breaks as some pieces start to come together. It was not an outside threat that has harmed his beloved — it was, more than likely, his beloved himself. Or, rather, his mind.
Because no matter how strong he is, no matter how much he has lost and fought all to protect Xie Lian, his beloved, his God, his husband — Hua Cheng knows that one’s own mind can be the most difficult to protect the one you love from.
That does not mean Hua Cheng will not do everything in his utmost power to try. Because his beloved has suffered enough, and damn it all if he has to suffer from an unkind mind, too. Hua Cheng wants to take all that his husband has endured into himself to take away all of his pain; but he knows that would pain Xie Lian more than anything in the entire world. So he will not take it for him; instead he will stand by his side and figure out what is wrong so he can ease the agony that is currently painted on his husband’s face.
Hua Cheng wraps his arms around Xie Lian and kisses his temple while he thinks. He whispers gentle nothings into his hair, traces circles on his back as he tries to understand.
Even as a Ghost King, he is no stranger to nightmares. But Xie Lian is not either — and whenever Xie Lian’s nightmares rear in the depths of the night, they come out harsh and violent — a complete opposite reaction to this.
Sometimes, Xie Lian will have days where he is slower, less energetic, and Hua Cheng will guide him through simple tasks such as eating or bathing. This is not that, either.
Which means the answer is not what Hua Cheng had wanted — it is a side that he has not seen before, that Xie Lian has not shown him. He takes no offence, of course, he would never be offended by his beloveds decisions. However, it does upset him, that his husband had to suffer alone from something else, something likely caused by a catalyst from his past.
Whenever he sees Xie Lian like this, whenever he remembers how the world had treated him; he wants to burn the earth to ash once, twice, thrice over and again along with anyone who had had a part in his beloved’s suffering along with it.
Hua Cheng knows the look on his face must be murderous, and he does not care. He only cares once Xie Lian speaks once again.
“San Lang, it’s….it happens sometimes. It’s okay.” Xie Lian comforts, and Hua Cheng wants to cry, because his husband is clearly distressed over something that Hua Cheng cannot even see, something that Hua Cheng could not protect him from even when he had thought he’d made sure that he could protect him from everything.
There is no single act that he would not commit to ease his husband's suffering that comes from within. Hua Cheng would take it in an instant; but he knows that would pain Xie Lian more than anything in the entire world. So he will not take it for him and instead he will stand by his side and figure out what is wrong so he can ease the agony that is currently reflected in his husband’s eyes.
Hua Cheng smooths his expression and replaces the previous anger with a gentle smile. The smile he reserves only for his beloved — to let him know how much he is loved and cared and cherished. The smile that lets Xie Lian know he is safe.
“Your Highness,” Hua Cheng begins. Xie Lian won’t look at him, so he takes the hand that is not currently being held in a vice grip by his husband and lighty places a finger on his chin. Xie Lian does not flinch, so Hua Cheng takes this as a sign he just needs a bit of courage to look at him. Even though Hua Cheng wishes Xie Lian would never, ever, be afraid to tell him anything, never be afraid to look him in the eye and tell him the depths of his soul; he will always, always wait for Xie Lian to make the move first.
Patience is a virtue he has much of; and there are no bounds when it comes to Xie Lian. He would wait another 800, 900, 1000 years for him. Waiting for his beloved to be ready to come to him is nothing.
“Just because it happens sometimes, that does not make it okay,” he continues, almost pleading. There is a part of Hua Cheng that wants to cry at how much his husband always thinks that things are okay because he is used to it. He despises the world for making him think that way. “Will you please tell San Lang what happened? So I can help you? Because whatever leaves you in such a state, that is never okay.”
Hua Cheng barely finishes speaking before Xie Lian practically tackles him with the force in which he shoves his face into Hua Cheng’s neck; he returns the embrace immediately and his heart breaks for the third time that night as he feels tears wet his skin.
“You’re safe, Gege,” he murmurs, running his hands through Xie Lian’s hair. “Whatever it is, I will protect you. That I promise.”
Xie Lian cries into his shoulder until the lights outside in Ghost City shift and the noise outside begins to quiet; signalling morning has come. Hua Cheng never lets go and make sure his beloved knows he is there, ready to listen once Xie Lian gathers himself.
Sniffing, Xie Lian pulls back and Hua Cheng melts a bit at his flushed cheeks and wet eyes. A stray tear leaks down, and Hua Cheng brushes it away with a kiss.
“I’m sorry for scaring San Lang,” Xie Lian apologizes and Hua Cheng will have none of it.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Your Highness. I was only scared because I did not know how to help you,” Hua Cheng reassures, caressing his husband’s cheek. Xie Lian leans into the touch. “It’s late and you are covered in ink, Gege. Why don’t we clean up, get you a bath, and … will you please tell me what’s wrong? I want to help you, Your Highness, so if it happens again, I know what to do.”
Xie Lian keeps Hua Cheng’s hand on his cheek, holding it there with his own hand. His husband is silent for a moment, lost in thought, before he glances at the brushes, and then back to him.
“Okay. I think .. me telling you is for the best.” Xie Lian decides. “But first, San Lang, two things, if I may?”
“Of course, Gege. We have all the time in the world.”
“Firstly….you did help. You just being there. That was enough. Holding me and being patient and just — San Lang, thank you,” Xie Lian says with the most determined expression he’s had all day. Hua Cheng wants to take his face and kiss him deeply at the words; but he knows now is not the time.
“I will always be there for you, Your Highness.” Hua Cheng opts instead to brush a stray hair out of Xie Lian’s face with his free hand. Hua Cheng vehemently disagrees that what he did was enough — to him he hardly did anything that was worthy of a thanks from his beloved. But he does not want to upset husband right now anymore than he is by diminishing his words; so he will wait until Xie Lian tells him everything before voicing that thought.
“Secondly … um. We need to put the brushes away still. But, San Lang……” Xie Lian’s words are sheepish and he bites his lip, unsure whether to continue.
“It’s okay, Gege, I can put away the brushes. It’s no trouble.” As he reaches for the brushes, a hand darts out and wraps itself around his wrist.
“Wait!! Don’t touch them,” his husband exclaims, and Hua Cheng halts his movements immediately.
“My apologies, Gege.” Hua Cheng says sincerely, if confused. “But you do seem exhausted, I think that you should rest and it will be no trouble at all for me to clean up.”
Xie Lian shakes his head. “No, no it’s not that. It’s….” He sighs. “Please don’t ask why yet. But. They need to go back in a certain order. Can you help me put them back that way?”
Hua Cheng nods, concern flaring through him once again. Slowly, something in the back of his mind is coming to fruition, but he can’t quite be sure yet. However, what has come to his mind makes him feel great anguish if he is correct. For now, he will follow his beloved’s instructions, and do what he can to help alleviate his anxiety.
“Thank you. Um..” Xie Lian looks at the brushes for a moment before delivering the instructions. “It has to go this one, then this, this, and this. But make sure that all the brushes are upwards.”
Hua Cheng follows the order exactly and makes sure each brush is straight and clean. He looks back to Xie Lian, who looks as if a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders.
“All better now, Gege?” Hua Cheng smiles as Xie Lian nods.
Xie Lian, however, still does not get off the ground. Hua Cheng’s concern washes over him once again.
“Your Highness?”
“…Sorry, San Lang. I am quite exhausted, I didn’t realize before. I’ll just be a moment.”
Hua Cheng does not wait a moment, instead, he walks over and offers his hand. “No need for that. May I carry you, Your Highness?”
His husband must truly be exhausted, because he does not fight him on that one. “…You know, San Lang, that would be lovely. Thank you.”
“Anything for you, my love,” Hua Cheng whispers as he lifts him; the rare use of love between them that they only use when one wants to make the other know they are safe and that everything will be alright.
Hua Cheng is still worried and fret about what had happened that he still does not have the full answers to. But right now, Xie Lian is safe in his arms, and once his husband is ready to talk, Hua Cheng will be always be there to listen.
Going from Qiandeng Temple to Paradise Manor usually takes a split second with Hua Cheng’s teleporation system, however, Xie Lian’s brain does not stop at items during days like this, it picks numbers, too.
San Lang always rolls sixes, but six is not a good number today. It has to be an odd number. This thought intrudes upon him just has he heard his husband grab the dice from his pocket.
“San Lang…can we walk back? Please?”
Xie Lian’s heart swells as Hua Cheng does not ask why, he simply says “Of course, Gege,”, carries him through Ghost City, and fixes any Ghosts who say a single world with a glare that could kill with a single glance.
Hua Cheng makes a beeline for the bath, gently setting him down on the divan and beginning to prepare one for him. Comfortable and familiar silence falls between them; only the sounds of his husband preparing the soaps and and testing the water temperature breaking through.
Xie Lian uses the waiting to close his eyes and breath in, out, in, out. He knows that his husband would not judge him for the way his brain had attacked him today. But that does not mean he is still unsure of how to explain it — it’s something that is just so frustrating for him, especially because he had thought this particular illness had finally left him. But he would not be so lucky.
There’s a lot that he hadn’t told anyone, except for Hua Cheng. And even then, it’s because Hua Cheng had been there, for every moment that was his worst — so of course his husband would never, ever judge him for this. Xie Lian trusts wholly in Hua Cheng’s love and devotion — he knows he will stay, he will listen, that he will help Xie Lian through this — the reminder of just how much his husband loves him is still overwhelming to Xie Lian; he does not think it will ever not be.
The anxiety comes more from his condition itself; he thinks. It’s like a loud noise in his brain that doesn’t shut off: words coming one after the other; phrases constantly pulsing around and ruminating on them all day until he finally listens and the anxiety calms, if only a bit.
It is also frustration for making Hua Cheng worry, again. Xie Lian knows he does not need to feel it, that his husband will be there for him no matter the situation, but he stills feels guilt for making him worry, and not even being able to tell him what was going on in the moment.
Once the thought of Hua Cheng being in danger formed itself earlier, it was as if Xie Lian was paralyzed. The thought repeated in his head constantly: Make sure you arrange the brushes this way, and clean them exactly as so, for him to come home safe. So he cleaned and cleaned but he was never cleaning them quite right; so he had to start over and over, getting the ink that remained on the brushes all over his fine robs that Hua Cheng had just bought him; and by the time he had finally cleaned them right, his husband had returned.
Whenever the timing lines up perfectly; that makes it harder for him not to believe these thoughts. Xie Lian knows they are not normal thoughts; that no one else should think that way. But what about him exactly is normal? He had accepted it.
Acceptance was something he had come to terms with when he had been alone for 800 years. Hua Cheng had showed him that he did not have to go along with everything that came to him, especially if it hurt: he could reject it, fight back, and outright refuse it. But 800 years is a long time to live with that acceptance, and he could not just change right away even if he wanted to. Hua Cheng is helping him day by day, and he knows his husband will help with this, too.
Because, truth be told, he really is damn tired of his brain and the way it can truly debilitate him sometimes. He is tired of letting these thoughts destabilize him — they are just so draining, so tiring; and making his husband worry and do those ridiculous things for him was a final straw.
Xie Lian opens his eyes, and he is ready to tell his husband everything.
Hua Cheng had finished preparing the bath just as Xie Lian had come to a decision, and he walks over and beings to help Xie Lian disrobe.
Ever-so gentle with each touch as his husband guides his body limb by limb out of his robes as Xie Lian is slowly coming back into it after the ordeal that was today, Xie Lian is eternally grateful. He lets Hua Cheng put his hair up and away from his eyes, lets him guide him to the bath, lets his husband wash the ink and grime and dirt off of his body. His husband’s touch is soft, kind: it grounds Xie Lian, gives him the courage to speak.
Xie Lian closes his eyes and begins.
“….San Lang, believe me when I say that that particular illness has not reared its head in a long time. Since before I met you.”
Xie Lian does not have to open his eyes to know that Hua Cheng is listening, ever so intently to every word he is saying. His husband continues to scrub kindly at his skin, albeit now a bit slower as Xie Lian is recounting what had happened.
“I honestly thought that these types of thoughts….they had completely gone away. But, in turns out, they haven’t.
"I don’t remember when they started … I think it was honestly a while after…..after WuMing,” Xie Lian whispers the name, and Hua Cheng places a gently kiss his shoulder in a comforting gesture, encouraging him to keep going. “….After the shackles. It was the crux of everything I had tried so hard to control spiralling so wildly out of it. Xianle, Human Face Disease … you know the others already, San Lang, so I won’t remind any further.”
Hua Cheng continues to grace his skin with encouraging kisses on his neck; chest, knees, wherever he has finished washing is rewarded with a gentle peck, a reminder to keep going.
“There was one day, close to after I got my two shackles, that the day was just horribly, wildly awful. It’s too long ago to remember all the details — I think it was a mix of nightmares, horrible luck, and just an atrocious day. And I thought, I know I deserve this kind of day, but if there’s anything I can do to prevent something so awful, someone, please let me know.”
Xie Lian opens his eyes because he knows his husband will interrupt to tell him that he does not deserve any of what had happened; but Xie Lian shakes his head, silently telling his husband that It’s okay.
“Around that second banishment, of course I was still not in a good state of mind. At all. So, of course when my brain told me to do something … like, “avoid this area today”; “as long as you collect this kind of scrap, it will be a good day.”
“It’s not just doing things in a certain order. It’s having to do the action to feel that weight lifted. It’s ruminating on every single thing I did the entire day, if I did it right? Or will it come back to haunt me. It’s avoiding certain things, too. You know how I asked you if we could walk back here? Because sixes are not a good number today. Usually, the even numbers aren’t. And I know you’d roll them.”
“And today…..when it came out of nowhere, it told me, that I had to clean the brushes that way, or else…or else you wouldn’t be safe.”
When Xie Lian opens his eyes, his husband is right there, staring at him with such a considerate look on his face he wants to grab him and whisk him into the bath right with him and kiss him so deeply, so passionately until they were so tired they could no longer hold the other up anymore.
Instead of acting on that impulse, Xie Lian waits for Hua Cheng’s response. His husband starts by taking one hand and kissing his knuckles, followed by the other; and then up his arms all the way to his lips as if he had read Xie Lian’s mind. Xie Lian kisses back eagerly; it is not one of hunger and lust but one of understanding and love.
They part and Xie Lian rests his forehead on his husbands. Hua Cheng takes a strand of hair and gently pushes it behind his ear.
“Your Highness,” Hua Cheng’s voice is tender and his eye attentive, never leaving Xie Lian’s own. “Thank you for sharing that with me, and trusting me. I hate that you had to go through that all those years on your own. I hate that your mind will go to those places that I cannot protect you from,” his husband’s words trail to a whisper at the end, and Xie Lian finds himself able to smile.
“San Lang, you don’t need to protect me from it.” He is not surprised by the indignant huff he gets in response. “Really. I don’t think there’s any way too. But talking about it….telling you. And you being there for me. That means more than protecting me from it ever will. You simply just being there for me. That’s enough.”
Xie Lian emphasizes his words with a kiss to his husband’s lips. Once they part, Hua Cheng speaks again. “Your Highness…..knowing that what I did today was enough means everything. But I want to do more to help you,” his husband stresses, and before Xie Lian can interrupt, he continues.
“I want to say something. Please listen, Your Highness,” Hua Cheng’s words are firm, and Xie Lian nods for him to go on. “I have heard about this type of affliction before. I’ve come across books about it. It’s not very widely documented, but in my search for knowledge, I found one. You are not alone, my beloved. Those thoughts are not ridiculous — they are simply a result of a trigger from trauma you have endured.”
At his husband’s words, he cannot stop the tear that falls from his eyes. “San Lang…you….it’s not just me?”
He sounds like a child, the way his words come out like a whine, but he doesn’t care. He had never heard anything about such an affliction. And the fact that his husband, the person he loves most in the entire world, knows about the one part of his mind that he could never wrap his head around? The thoughts he had forever been so ashamed of believing?
Hua Cheng kisses the stray tear away. “No, Your Highness, it’s not, I promise. And I remember reading something. Something that might help you. So, please, if you’ll let me, will you join me?”
Xie Lian does not hold back any more. He practically dives out of the bath, indecency completely forgotten as he jumps for his husband, tackling him to the ground and bringing their lips together again in a grateful and passionate kiss that says I love you and Thank You and You mean the world to me along with a yes, I will join you all at once.
Once they had finally been able to bring their bodies apart after their unexpected yet heated bathroom session, Hua Cheng had helped Xie Lian dry and put his robes back on before leading to his bedroom.
In the split second before Xie Lian pounced, Hua Cheng must have sent a quick signal to a servant to get their chambers ready.
Xie Lian blinks as he takes in what Hua Cheng had prepared for them.
“Gold Foil Palace….?” He questions, and is met with a kind smile in return.
“Yes. I think it will be good for your mind to build one right now, Gege.”
His husband doesn’t wait before taking his hand and guiding him onto their bed. The table is set up at the foot of their bed. The pieces are arranged neatly and in a specific order that Xie Lian is shocked to see is the one he prefers.
Xie Lian looks at Hua Cheng with so much love and adoration and he almost falls over when he sees the same reflected in his husband’s eyes. He wraps his arms around Hua Cheng’s neck and kisses him again because he will never get over just how much his husband cares and he will be damn sure his husband knows that that love is forever and eternally returned.
“How did you know, San Lang?” Xie Lian asks, letting Hua Cheng guide him down to sit between his legs as he prepares to build the palace.
Hua Cheng adjusts him so that Xie Lian is flush against his chest, no empty space left between them. “You mentioned you liked this game when you were a child, Gege, and then I remembered reading about numbers for this condition - having an aversion to even numbers is common. I take no offense, of course.”
Xie Lian is grateful that his husband still teases him even after such an ordeal as today. It makes him feel normal. He simply chuckles in response, shaking his head. “You know so much, San Lang. It brings me much awe.”
“All to protect you,” his husband whispers in his ear, causing goosebumps to rise on his skin and cheeks to flush. “To have strength is not only power, but knowledge, too. I raided quite a few libraries throughout the years.”
One day Xie Lian thinks his heart may explode at how much Hua Cheng has went through, how much his husband had experienced and sacrificed so that he could protect him. Xie Lian leans back as far as he can do and lets Hua Cheng rest his chin on his head.
“Of course you have,” is all Xie Lian can say in response, and then continues with a question. “So how will Gold Foil Palace help me?”
“First, you have to build it. Go on, Gege, San Lang will watch. You take control.”
Not what he expected, but Xie Lian won’t complain. His husband had remembered such obscure facts from a book he read how long ago simply to help him — he will do whatever Hua Cheng asks him too right now, no matter if it is nonsense or not.
Xie Lian builds the palace. Hua Cheng sits comfortably behind him the entire time, never interrupting his thoughts. He only places gentle kisses on his forehead time to time and rubs circles on his back, never leaving his side.
The pieces all fit together perfectly, and this really was the perfect exercise for Xie Lian’s current mental state. Every scrap slides together seamlessly; the order is exactly the way he wants it, and though his brain has calmed with the help of his dear husband, faint ruminations still play: Make sure you do it right, this piece has to slot perfectly there, make sure none are separated at all, or else…
Or else what, he doesn’t know. When the thoughts start telling him “or else,” without a cause, that means that tomorrow will be easier. But he still has to make it through tonight.
Finally, he places the final part on the top, and claps his hands happily and exclaims, “All done!”
It was a perfect Gold Foil Palace, everything exactly where it was supposed to be — nothing separated even an inch.
Hua Cheng claps with him and kisses his cheek. “Incredible job, Gege. Now, that was only step one of what will help you.”
“There’s a step two?” Xie Lian asks, the familiar panic seizing his heart again.
As if his husband knew this would be cause him anxiety, he takes a hand in his own and squeezes. “Yes, and I will be honest, Your Highness. You will not like it. But I swear on my ashes that it will help you.”
“Don’t swear anything on that!” Xie Lian cries, because his husband must be truly serious about helping him if he’s swearing on the most precious thing in the world to Xie Lian.
His husband’s eyebrows raise at his reaction and he laughs softly. “Sorry, Gege, I did not know you would react that way to that phrase. But it warms my unbeating heart to know that even words will make you so protective of that piece of me.”
“San Lang, sometimes you are too much for me,” Xie Lian pouts in response and this gets another laugh out of his husband. “But of course I am protective of every part of you. Okay. So no swearing on your life.”
“Sorry, sorry, a thousand times sorry from San Lang,” Hua Cheng’s apologies are definitely not serious and more teasing and Xie Lian can only shake his head.
Hua Cheng turns serious once again. “I only used that turn of phrase because I wanted to make sure you know how important this part was. Okay? Do you trust me?”
Xie Lian turns fully in his husband’s arms so he can make eye contact while Hua Cheng tells him what he needs to do. The brief reprieve that the familiar teasing gave him made him forgot what his husband had just said, if only for a moment. He couldn’t avoid it forever.
“Of course I trust my San Lang. Anything,” Xie Lian makes sure his words are confident, brave.
Within the anxiety that is spiking, he thinks that that may actually be partially true.
“Your Highness,” Hua Cheng places his hands on Xie Lian’s shoulders and pivots him back toward the palace he had just created of gold foil. “I want you to knock over the Gold Foil Palace. Can you destroy it for me?”
Xie Lian freezes.
Of all that he had been expecting — it was not that. It had just calmed him, had just made him mind quiet for the first time all day, the careful placing of each piece, the caution in which he used to ensure there was not a single gap left between the pieces. As long as it went perfectly, nothing bad would happen.
Or else, or else.
If he destroyed it —
If you destroy it, something bad will happen tomorrow.
Xie Lian feels his breath hitch and immediately strong arms are wrapped around him, whispering into his ear sweet nothings and comforts and a repetition of “Don’t listen to it. Whatever it’s saying, it’s not true.”
If you destroy it, something bad will happen tomorrow.
If you destroy it, s omething bad will happen tomorrow.
If you destroy it, something
If you des………….
………………..
Nothing bad will happen, I promise
I promise
I promise.
The words of his mind die out as they are replaced with the placating and caring voice of his husband. “Your Highness, it’s alright. I am sorry for causing you distress. But I promise. I promise if you destroy it, nothing bad will happen. Nothing bad will happen while I am here. I promise.”
Xie Lian focuses wholly on his husband’s words; he lets the voice he loves most in the world bring him back. He lets the person who was there for him through every single low moment of his life ease him back into his own body; the person he trust more than himself overpower his own mind with his words of love and assurance and promise that he is safe.
Once Xia Lian can breath again, once he can feel Hua Cheng’s hands around his waist and his gentle kisses to the top of his head, does he stare intently at the Gold Foil Palace.
Sensing his hesitation, Hua Cheng speaks. “Do you want to know why I asked that of you?”
Xie Lian hums in response.
“When I told you to destroy it, the thoughts went to believing something bad will happen if you destroy it. Am I correct?”
“How did you know?” Xie Lian mumbles, but Hua Cheng is pressed closed enough to hear.
“It was the most logical reaction for you, based on what you told me about where this condition makes your thoughts wander,” his husband answers. Xie Lian will never get over how much Hua Cheng understands him, to be able to pick that up from a mere discussion held only hours ago.
He shows his thanks with a squeeze of his hand, and his husband returns it.
“I want you to destroy it, to make it imperfect, to separate it, to show you that nothing bad will happen if you do so. That those are only thoughts based on a severe anxiety that is attacking you; nothing more. If you cannot control it, you can defeat it. Believe me. Your Highness, I believe in you. And if you don’t believe me. I will be here to protect you. No matter what.”
Xie Lian can only respond with the worst fear to come out of the thoughts in which attack him with no mercy. “Nothing bad will happen to you..?
He feels so small, voicing that out loud. But he needs to make sure. He needs to hear someone else — his most trusted and beloved person — tell him that it will be okay, if his own mind won’t let him believe it. If he cannot believe himself, then he can always believe Hua Cheng, his husband, the person who will always believe in him and for him across months, years, centuries. The person who did.
“Your Highness, I promise. I told you. I will never leave you.”
This brings a spike of anxiety back into Xie Lian’s heart. “The last time you said that, San Lang….”
“Was different,” his husband finishes for him. “And I told the truth, did I not?”
He did.
Xie Lian takes a deep breath. His husband’s arms are wrapped around him tight, and even though his mind is repeating a different phrase, he pushes his husband’s words to the front to block it out:
Nothing bad will happen, I promise. I will never leave you.
Those are the words playing through his mind as he finds the courage to lift an arm, and before he can think any more on it, he swings out, and knocks over the Gold Foil Palace in one hit.
Xie Lian has to turn away as he does it and he hides his face in his husband’s chest as he feels the pieces fall apart. They probably made such a ridiculous image: a grown man’s face shoved into another grown man’s chest as gold foil falls everywhere; but Xie Lian cannot find it in him to care.
Because, for the first time since he had ever experienced those intrusive thoughts, he had been able to silence them.
All because of the one person who believed in him; the one person who never, ever gave up on him, at his lowest, at his ridiculousness, who saw him and followed him and believed him through his everything.
“Gege, look, you did it!” Hua Cheng gently lifts his head and when Xie Lian opens his eyes, his husband is grinning at him, fangs and everything. One of Xie Lian’s favourite smiles to ever grace his husband’s face.
“I did it!” Xie Lian lets himself be proud for once. With his husband right by his side, he finds the will to look at the table where the palace once stood. The pieces are all over the floor: the order is a mess, there is no rhyme or reason to how any of it is sorted, now.
There’s a part of him that still has a flicker of fear at the image; but that part is overpowered but the sheer happiness that he had overcome this, finally. He knows it will never go away — these types of illnesses are for life, he knows, but what he didn’t know before, was how to make it manageable.
With his beloved husband beside him, he knows now.
Overcome with joy, he shoves Hua Cheng back on the bed and for the second time that night, kisses him greedily, hungrily, full of pure emotion and adoration. Hua Cheng returns it with the same fierce passion; hands immediately tangling in his hair and sliding down his back so that he can flip them over to their preferred arrangement.
Xie Lian is exhausted, and his husband must feel it too, because Hua Cheng gently pulls away. “As much as I’d love to continue on this route, Your Highness, I think you need to rest first.”
“….You’re right, San Lang,” Xie Lian sighs in disappointment, but he knows it’s the right move. “I was just really excited to say thank you.”
His husband chuckles above him. “I could tell, Gege. But you can say thank you tomorrow. I’m sure it will be a much better reward when you are full of energy.”
“San Lang!” Xie Lian playfully pushes his husband on the shoulders and gets a shit-eating grin in response. As he’s about to retaliate, Xie Lian interrupts him with a yawn.
“…Shall we go to sleep?” Hua Cheng says instead, and Xie Lian nods.
They go to sleep as they always do, Xie Lian pulled as tight against his husband as he can be, Hua Cheng’s arms wrapped around his back while their legs are intertwined beneath the sheets. Xie Lian falls asleep to Hua Cheng humming into his hair, and one last thought drifts through his mind before sleep takes him.
Nothing bad will happen, I promise.
He truly, wholeheartedly, believes it.
When he wakes up, Xie Lian feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest.
He blinks the sleep from his eyes and is immediately comforted by the weight that is flush against him. Craning his neck, he finds Hua Cheng’s eye gazing at him lovingly, waiting for him to come back from the depths of sleep.
“Good morning, Your Highness. How are you feeling?”
Xie Lian answers by cupping Hua Cheng’s face with his hand and bringing their lips together.
When they part, a grin splits open on his face as he sees a rare sight — Hua Cheng’s face is very, very, faintly, red.
“…..I take it that means Gege feels better?”
“San Lang….I do. I feel okay. I feel … good, actually.” Xie Lian finds that is the truth. He feels great, and as he sits up, he looks to find the wrecked gold foil palace still on the floor.
Hua Cheng meets his questioning glance and explains, “I thought it would be better to leave it, to emphasize that today will be a good day. An exposure exercise, is what they’re called.”
Xie Lian lays back down to face his husband. “I really do thank you, San Lang. What you did meant so much to me.”
“I will always be there for you, Your Highness. And I will never stop telling you that.” His husband’s constant reassurance always makes cheeks flush and his heart melt; he will never get enough.
“I know. And I will never stop thanking you,” Xie Lian returns the same reassurance, granting a quick peck to his cheek.
“That reminds me…..I think you owe me a thank you?”
Xie Lian smirks. He moves so that his knees are straddling his husband’s waist and he grins wide as Hua Cheng’s eyes widen, a rare occasion when he successfully caught him off guard.
Not for long, though, as that surprise is replaced immediately with a hungry gaze and teasing smile, and as Hua Cheng reaches up, about to bring Xie Lian’s face down, Xie Lian dodges and reaches past his husband’s head to the side table, where a calligraphy brush rests, and he grabs it and shoves it into Hua Cheng’s hand.
“….After your calligraphy lesson, San Lang. You missed a whole day yesterday! And remember, we need to pick up the ink on the way.”
Hua Cheng stunned expression is a treasure for Xie Lian, and he throws his head back as he laughs, wholeheartedly and deep from his soul. After yesterday, it feels good to be joyous.
“Gege, that was very evil, and you know that.” His husband practically whines, and when he sits up, he flashes Xie Lian a pout.
Xie Lian tsks. “If you behave, you only have to do it for half the day. The rest will be dedicated to your thank you~~” he finishes in singsong, and this turns the pout on his husband’s face into a grin, and Hua Cheng brings his lips to Xie Lian’s in a kiss.
When he pulls away, Hua Cheng is still smiling, and Xie Lian knows he is, too. “I am glad you feel better today, Your Highness.”
“Yeah, me too.” As Xie Lian says the words, they start as a whisper, so he reaches for Hua Cheng’s hand, and grasps their fingers together as he repeated, “Me too.”
They practice calligraphy for half the day after retrieving the ink — only half the day as Xie Lian still owes his husband a lovely thank you gift, which they spent the entire afternoon making a very large mess of Qiandeng Temple — and the thank you gift continued in every corner of paradise manor; leaving the two absolutely and utterly exhausted yet blissfully in love as they finally return to their chambers.
“Now that the day is over — what are you thinking, Your Highness?” Hua Cheng asks, fingers trailing down his bare arm, leaving soft traces of his husband’s touch all over his skin.
Xie Lian twirls his fingers around Hua Cheng’s braid. “I feel good. You made me feel very good.” He emphasizes, earning a laugh from his husband. Music to his ears, as always.
“It is always my pleasure to make you feel good, Gege.”
“Also…. That today was a good day. A really good day. Despite my thoughts yesterday trying to continuously tell me otherwise. Your exposure exercise was amazing, San Lang.”
Hua Cheng brings Xie Lian into his chest, peppering kisses all across his back, his arms, everywhere, leaving even more marks of his devotion littered through the ones that had been left throughout their full day of being completely and utterly in love with each other.
There will be good days, and bad days. He know this one go away. The thoughts will intrude upon his normal ones; some numbers he may be wary of on different days, some items.
But, now, Xie Lian knows that he can overcome those thoughts, he can wash them away with the words of his most trusted and beloved person in the entire world:
Nothing bad will happen. I promise.
“Remember, my beloved,” Hua Cheng whispers, voice full of love and care. “What matters is 'you', and not the state of you. The strongest, most incredible, bravest, person I know said that once. The person I am forever devoted to, that I love more than anything. They are very wise words.”
Xie Lian wants to cry at his husband’s reminder of what they tell each other so often yet somehow they both still so frequently forget; a saying between them that reminds them that whatever they are going through; whatever is eating at the other’s mind they will always be right there, through the good, bad, ugly, horrific, through everything.
Sometimes, he should listen to his own advice.
Because, no matter what harsh notion your mind may try to make you believe, whether it will try and drag you down on your worst days, he will try his best to always remember — and if he doesn’t remember, he knows Hua Cheng, his husband, his love, will be there to remind him too, that:
What matters is you, and not the state of you.