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“Buck, I want you to listen to something for a minute, don’t respond, just listen, let it sink in, and then if you want, you can talk, ok?” Dr. Copeland said, watching Buck through their video chat closely. Buck nodded, biting his lip. “Close your eyes. Good. Now just … listen. They lost the right to be concerned about my well being, when they became the reason, my being wasn’t well.”
Buck sucked in a harsh breath as the words hit him. He opened his eyes slowly, feeling like he was seeing things with new eyes. Like … the world had shifted around him somehow.
“They,” He licked his lips and tried to clear his throat, “they lost the right to be concerned about … about my well being.” He repeated quietly. “When … when they became the reason my being wasn’t well.” He let out a heavy breath and leaned back into a wall, sliding until he was sitting on the floor.
“You have spent a lot of time searching for ways to forgive everyone around you for the wrongs in your life. I don’t want to elaborate on this right now. And I know this isn’t the reason you called. But I want you to take these words and just … sit with them. Take some time, think them over, and think about them in relation to previous interactions with your parents, as well as your parents combined with your sister, ok?”
“Yeah, yeah ok.” Buck nodded. “Thank you, Dr. Copeland.”
“Don’t thank me just yet, Buck. I have you blocked in for the next few days just in case, ok? So call if you need me.”
“I will.” Buck nodded, ending the call when Dr. Copeland gave him a small encouraging smile.
He didn’t want to see his parents again. It had been … years, since he’d seen them last. He’d seen Maddie more recently than them, and that was only by a few days, really. They hated him. He knew they did, even if he never knew why. He just … knew they did. It was one of the facts of his life. Maddie and him, they’d always been a team. Always. It was always the same thing, too. ‘United front’, she’d say, giving him the bravest smile she could muster. They were always brave for each other. But … but she’d made this decision without him. And that … that was fine. Because she wanted them back in her life. But he … he didn’t. He didn’t feel like he was missing anything with them gone. He actually felt better. He felt … good, without them.
When he got home, he just sat on his couch and stared at the blank tv for a while. The words repeating in his head over and over again. Were they, his parents, ever actually concerned about his well being? It just … it never felt like it. Not unless he was getting hurt. And even then … even then they were moving on and ignoring him again within a few days, if not a few hours. He held his phone and stared at Maddie’s contact card. He called her and put his phone to his ear, waiting.
“Hey, Buck. What’s up?” His sister asked, sounding happy.
“Hey, Mads. Um, look, I wanted to talk for a sec.”
“Alright.” She said carefully.
“I, uh, I’m not gonna do dinner with … with you and mom and dad.” He licked his lips. “I support you inviting them in, wanting to have them involved, but … but I’m not ready to do that. To let them be a part of my life.”
“Not even for me?” She asked.
“No.” Buck croaked. “Maybe if we’d talked about this when you were starting to think about it, maybe then I’d have had time to consider it. To … to get used to the idea of them being here. But … I’m not there, Maddie. I’m not ready to see them, to have them force pleasantries when I know they can’t stand to be in the same room as me. I know that you and Chim will have them well in hand, and be able to-”
“It won’t be the same.” She groaned, sounding frustrated. “What happened to a united front?”
“You tell me.” Buck retorted. “You made this decision on your own. There was no unified front, no discussion, just you inviting them out here, into your life and telling me after. You have a good life now, Maddie, an amazing life. And I get that you want to share that with them. I support your decision to do that. But I can’t.”
“Can you do me a favor, then?” She asked resignedly.
“Depends on the favor.”
“Get plenty of ice cream?” She pleaded. “If it does go poorly, I swear, I’m coming over and we are eating ice cream and watching old 80’s movies.”
“I’ll have the pralines and cream and ‘Pretty in Pink’ on standby.” Buck chuckled. “Or would ‘Goonies’ be better?”
“Goonies.” She said, sounding like she was pouting. “Thank you, Buck.”
“For what?” Buck frowned.
“For calling to tell me? For being honest with me and not just going along with it because you feel guilty or want to make me happy. For sticking to your boundaries.”
“It’s pretty hard.” Buck chuckled. “But Dr. Copeland said something earlier and … well. It’s … I feel like the world is still sort of spinning separately from me right now. It’s … it’s still sinking in.”
“Can I ask what she said?” Maddie asked curiously.
“She said; they lost the right to be concerned about my well being, when they became the reason my being wasn’t well.” Buck said quietly.
“Oh.” Maddie breathed out softly.
“Yeah.” Buck agreed. “I feel like I’m … like I’m making real progress in therapy, Mads. I can’t have them messing up my progress. I can’t. I need to be well before I’m ready to see them again.”
“I understand.” She said, sniffling. “I’m really proud of you, baby brother. Now. I’m gonna go fall asleep to a movie Chim is putting on, and I’m going to call you in a few days once this dinner is over, ok? I love you and I’ll see you when they’re gone.”
“Love you too, Mads.” Buck smiled, hanging up the phone. He was still a little conflicted about backing out, but he wasn’t exactly backing out. It was like he told her on the phone; she made the decision to invite them, and that was fine. But that didn’t mean Buck was obligated to be involved.
He was surprised when Chim texted him when he was meant to be having dinner with their parents. It was just a short ‘SOS’. Buck really didn’t want to see them, he didn’t, but he didn’t want Maddie to let them roll over her, either. And she would. She still had her own therapy, dealing with issues from Doug. She was better, that was true, but healing wasn’t linear.
“Hey, I know this is last minute, and you can say no-”
“Buck,” Eddie said, stopping him from rambling as he stood on the doorstep, “what is it?”
“Chim text me an SOS. They’re having dinner with … with our parents. I know I said I wasn’t gonna go, and I wasn’t. But … could … could you come with me to potentially rescue my sister from them?”
“Only if Christopher comes too.” Eddie shrugged. “Pepa is at Bingo with Abuela, and Carla is having a date night, so it’s both of us or nothing.”
“That’s fine.” Buck sighed heavily with relief while Eddie just smiled and rolled his eyes before heading inside, Buck following him.
“Christopher! Get your shoes, buddy, we’re gonna go rescue a damsel in distress.”
“We are?” Chris asked, already reaching for his shoes that were next to the couch instead of by the front door.
“Yup.” Buck agreed. “I could use the back-up.”
“Mind giving us a ride?” Eddie asked, grabbing his keys and wallet.
“Nah, come on.” Buck said, grabbing Chris’ crutches and swooping him up, smiling when the boy laughed.
The ride over was quiet, Chris apparently just content to wonder what was going on while Eddie played music on his phone. It took a little while for them to reach the apartment, but Buck shook his hands out and cracked his neck before knocking lightly on the door. Eddie was giving him a weird look, but he couldn’t focus on him at the moment. Albert opened the door and let out a heavy breath of relief.
“Thank god. Please, help.” He pleaded, dragging Buck inside while Eddie and Chris followed, both looking slightly confused. Buck steeled himself when he heard his mother’s voice raising and Maddie not responding before he peered around the corner and met her eyes. The tears that were gathering finally fell as she saw him and she let out a breath of relief and got up, hugging him tightly.
“You didn’t have to come.” She whispered.
“You’re my sister.” Buck said firmly. “Of course I came.”
“Evan.” Their parents said somewhat disappointedly. “So. You couldn’t join us for dinner, but you show up now?”
“I’m not here for you.” Buck shook his head, barely glancing at them. “I’m here because my friend, my sister’s boyfriend, is a great guy and he was worried about her. I’m here because I love my sister and she deserves my support.”
“And your parents don’t?” His mother said affronted.
“No.” Buck said certainly. “No, you never really acted like parents to me. So I’m not here for you. But could someone explain what’s going on?”
“They keep bringing up Doug.” Chim said through a clenched jaw.
“Ah.” Buck nodded. “Right. Because it’s easier to blame Maddie for staying in that, even though you were in the same town, but refused to acknowledge anything or offer help.”
“That is not what happened.” His father said disappointedly. “We simply said we were glad she was able to move on and still have a family at her age.”
“Wow.” Buck laughed humorlessly. “That is incredibly rude. Women have families at Maddie’s ‘age’ all the time. It’s a different world than it was in the 80’s and 90’s. Women work full time, have careers, and still make time for family. Maddie is going to be an amazing mother.”
“And how would you know?” His mother scoffed.
“Because she already raised one kid.” Buck said certainly, smiling at Maddie. “And I think he turned out alright.”
“Here we go.” His dad sighed. “This is not about you, Evan.”
“His name,” Chris stated, drawing attention to him and Eddie standing back a bit, “is Buck. And he’s great. The best second dad a kid could hope for.”
“Of course.” His mother laughed a little hysterically. “Of course you are one of those … those … types.”
“Excuse you?” Maddie asked coldly.
“You should have grown out of this phase by now, Evan.” His dad said, ignoring Maddie. “We discussed this already.”
“No, you discussed it.” Buck argued. “For clarification, I never said Eddie and I were together. Chris just said he sees me as another dad. The fact you jumped to the one time you managed to be home and caught another boy kissing me, means nothing. I was 14. He had a crush on me. That’s it.”
“You will not be one of them.” His mother said vehemently.
“You would do better to watch your tone.” Chim interjected. “My best friend is a woman with an amazing wife and son. I won’t take kindly to you talking bad about their relationship.”
“You misunderstand, Howard.” His father said placatingly. “We have no issues with anyone having those relationships. But Evan will not.”
“Isn’t that his call?” Eddie asked, raising a challenging eyebrow.
“We are getting severely off track.” His mother commented.
“Do you want to stay here and finish dinner?” Buck asked Maddie in a low voice.
“Could you … could you just wait in the kitchen for a few minutes?” She asked. “I have something I want to say, but once I say it, I’ll be ready to go.”
“Ok. You’re all welcome to come over, but I only have room for maybe one or two others in the jeep.” Buck agreed.
“I admit, we’re a little surprised you aren’t in the hospital.” His dad said, cutting into their conversation. “From what we hear you spend an awful lot of time there.” Maddie closed her eyes and took a deep breath, but Buck just looked at his parents.
“From what you hear.” He said flatly. “Because, obviously, you couldn’t come out here and see for yourselves.”
“Evan, we’ve told you-” His mother started, but sounded choked.
“You’re not good with hospitals.” Buck cut in. “So you’ve said.”
“Not good with seeing our children in them.” She corrected, looking close to tears. Buck frowned and looked at Maddie who wasn’t looking at him, but at their parents.
“Howard, perhaps you would be kind enough to grab that box we brought?” His dad interrupted, changing the topic, while she collected herself.
“Yeah, it’s over by the couch.” Chim got up, patted Eddie and Chris on the shoulder thankfully, if Buck was any judge.
The revelation of Maddie having a baby box was … not as surprising as Buck would have thought. He knew they cared for her more than him. But … Chris and Eddie didn’t really know that. And Chris had come forward on his crutches to see better, Maddie showing him what was in it with a small smile on her face.
“Mom made me one of these.” Chris said, smiling back.
“And where is your mother?” Buck’s mom asked somewhat pointedly.
“She’s gone.” Chris said, pursing his lips. “She was in an accident.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” His dad said, reaching over and squeezing his mom’s hand.
“Buck came over a lot after everything. He helped us.” Chris said, smiling at Buck. He couldn’t help but smile back, even though his face felt warm.
“That wasn’t really his place.” His dad said with a strained look on his face.
“That’s your opinion. His place was with us and it always will be.” Eddie argued. “I … wasn’t handling it well. Buck’s my best friend. He helped me keep going, he kept up with Christopher’s schedule. We’d have been lost without him.”
“Do we get to see Buck’s? His baby box, I mean.” Chris asked, as Maddie closed hers. Buck bit his lip, already suspecting the answer.
“They’re probably still adding to it.” Chim said teasingly when there was too long of a pause where his parents didn’t say anything.
“Why does Maddie get one, but Buck doesn’t?” Chris asked, staring at Buck’s parents.
“Hey, Chris, it’s ok.” Buck said gently. “It’s fine, alright? It … it doesn’t bother me. I know they … they gave up on me a long time ago.”
“Evan.” Maddie said in a soft wounded tone.
“United front, remember?” Buck whispered. “I already know it, and you and me … we already talked.”
“We did.” She agreed, offering him a watery smile.
“Is this about the therapy?” His dad asked in a disappointed tone.
“Do you even know why I’m in therapy?” Buck looked between them, focusing only on them. “I am in therapy because nothing I ever did was good enough for either of you. Nothing. I have walked through fire every day of my life because of you.”
“We tried!” His dad argued, getting frustrated. “You just-”
“You never made it easy on us. Either one of you!” His mom finished.
“We were supposed to?” Maddie asked incredulously. “We were kids.”
“Evan, I don’t know what you expected us to do!” His mom screeched, looking ready to cry any second, but Maddie was already standing and wiping her own tears away. Buck couldn’t look away from his parents, though, feeling that small part of himself that still hoped for their love and support, shrivel up and die completely.
“Love me, anyway.” Buck said quietly. He accepted Maddie’s hand as she reached him and they walked to the door together.
“I think it’s time to call it a night.” Chim said, but Buck was only focusing on his sister at the moment. As soon as they were in the hall, Maddie couldn’t hold back her sobs any longer. She hugged him tightly and just cried into his chest. After a long minute, they calmed down a little and Maddie looked up to see he had been crying silently, and he saw something in her eyes crack. Like it broke her heart to see how silently he cried. But now was not the time for that conversation. They had a date with ice cream and an 80’s movie. They walked to the jeep and Buck helped her into the passenger seat. He frowned at his phone when he saw that Eddie texted he was going to come over with Chim shortly. Maddie showed a similar message from Chim. Albert had practically run out of the building and dived into an Uber. The drive back to Buck’s was quiet, but they held hands the whole drive.
Buck got Maddie some of his old sweats to wear and they sat on the couch together, each holding a container of ice cream as Goonies played. Neither Chim, nor Eddie said anything when they walked in. Chris just sat next to Buck and stole his spoon to help himself to some of his ice cream while Eddie grabbed a few more, squeezing on the couch. It was a tight fit with all five of them, but they made it work.
“I think there’s something we need to talk about.” Maddie said, when the movie was over, and Buck just looked at her, frowning slightly.
“Want us to leave?” Eddie offered.
“No, I … I think it’s better if you hear this too.” She sniffled.
“Here.” Chim said, handing her the baby box that he’d brought along that Buck hadn’t noticed.
“Thanks.” Maddie sniffled again, though she looked like she wasn’t going to stop crying any time soon.
“Mads, you’re worrying me, here.” Buck said hesitantly.
“I know.” She rasped. “And I just want to say that I’m … I’m really sorry for keeping this from you for so long.”
“You’re telling him now.” Chris said gently, leaning into Buck more firmly.
“I am.” She agreed, before pulling a picture out and handing it over hesitantly.
“I know that bike. It’s the one you taught me to ride on.” Buck said, frowning at the picture and turning it around. “Nineteen eighty-eight? I … wasn’t born yet. Maddie, who is this?”
“His name was Daniel.” She croaked. “And he was my brother. Our brother.”
“I didn’t have brother.” Buck finally looked at her.
“He was two years younger than me.” Maddie sniffled. “When he was … he was seven, when he was diagnosed with leukemia.”
“What?” Buck whispered, still looking at her.
“He … he needed a transplant.”
“Bone marrow.” Buck agreed.
“There wasn’t a match.” She whispered.
“Madre de Dio.” Eddie said, burying his face in his hands.
“They … they decided to have another kid in the middle of all that?” Buck asked incredulously.
“Yes.” She agreed.
“They had a son with cancer.” Buck said, feeling slightly detached, even though Eddie put a hand on his shoulder over Chris. “And … and then they had me. Because … because none of you were a match. So … so they … they made one.” He finished in a whisper.
“He … had me write this for him.” She sniffled, wiping uselessly at her face. “When … when we knew he …”
“When he knew he wasn’t going to make it.” Buck agreed, accepting the letter.
“I don’t remember what it says, but it was from him to you. He named you, you know?” She chuckled wetly. “He was … so in love with you from day one. After the surgery, he started to get a little better. I don’t know what happened, but one day he was getting better, and the next he was just …”
“Gone.” Buck finished for her.
“Mom and dad didn’t handle it well. They … they packed us up, moved us across the city, where no one knew us. The rest of the family, they cut us off, pretty much. They didn’t approve of what they were doing; having you to try to save Daniel.”
“That’s why they hate me.” Buck whispered.
“I don’t hate you.” Maddie practically sobbed. “I lost one brother, but then I had you. I tried, so hard.”
“I know, Maddie.” Buck said, hugging her automatically. “I know you did. You … you were nine years old and became a mom because they were … too consumed.”
“No matter what, you still have me, ok?”
“Ok.” Buck nodded, not really feeling like he could talk. “I … I think I need some time. To … to process all of this.”
“I know.” She agreed, cupping his face in her hands. “I know you do. And I am so, so sorry I never said anything before now. But from now on, whatever you want to know, I’ll share. And I won’t make you talk to them again. Not ever. You are one of the best things in my life, Evan. If they can’t see how amazing you are, they don’t deserve to know you. Ok?”
“Ok.” Buck just nodded again.
“We’re gonna go. But … you’ll call? When you’re ready, I mean?” Maddie asked pleadingly.
“You’ll know when I’m ready.” Buck agreed. She kissed his head and left with Chim while Eddie and Chris stayed on the couch with him.
He didn’t say anything, just stared a little uncomprehendingly at the picture of the boy with the red bike and big smile.
“He looks a little like you.” Chris said softly. “But … but with Maddie’s eyes.”
“Yeah.” Buck agreed.
“You ok to sleep down here, Chris?” Eddie asked softly.
“Yeah, my blankets and stuff should be in that closet.” Chris answered, but Buck was still just staring at the picture before he slowly set it on the table.
He moved a little mechanically as he helped Eddie set the couch up for Chris to sleep on, before Eddie dragged him upstairs to go to bed. Eddie didn’t say anything as he cried silently. But he did wrap his arms around Buck and held onto him as his shoulders shook slightly. He didn’t even remember drifting off, but woke up to soft voices in the kitchen and slowly got up, heading for the bathroom. He ran through the shower and just pulled on clean sweats, not really feeling the best. He was a little surprised to find Bobby and Eddie in the kitchen with Chris already watching cartoons in the living room.
“What are you doing here, Bobby?” Buck asked cautiously.
“Eddie called. So did Chim and Maddie.” Bobby shrugged. “Didn’t tell me anything other than you might need a few days off.”
“Eds.” Buck sighed.
“You need a day, at least.” Eddie argued. “A week would probably be better but I knew you’d argue against it. So. You get two days. Non-negotiable.”
“I don’t know what happened, so you don’t have to get upset about them betraying your confidence.” Bobby added. “I just wanted to stop by and see if there was anything I could do to help.”
“Not really.” Buck pursed his lips. “Unless you know of support groups for failed savior babies.”
“That … I do not.” Bobby admitted, looking slightly pained. “I’m sure the hospital might have something, though. I could ask?”
“Couldn’t hurt.” Eddie said, raising an eyebrow and daring Buck to argue.
“I’ll check and maybe reach out to some of the other stations and see if they know of anything.” Bobby nodded. “For now, though,” he got up and approached Buck, putting his hands on his shoulders, “take some time. Talk to your therapist or just do something to keep your mind off of it. I’ll see you guys in a few days.”
“See ya, Bobby.” Eddie nodded, before Bobby hugged Buck firmly. He cupped Buck’s face and gave him an encouraging nod before leaving.
“Can I ask a question?” Chris asked, not really looking at Buck, but also purposefully not looking. It made him smile a bit as he sat next to him.
“What’s up?”
“Did they really get mad at you for kissing a boy?” Chris asked quietly.
“Yeah.” Buck sighed, leaning his head back on the back of the couch. “He was one of my few friends in school at first. Think I only had two or three, really. He … was nice. We did a lot of our projects in a lot of our classes together. He was over one day, and we were finishing a history project. A sort of genealogy tree. My parents had a tendency to just … not really be home when I was. So I didn’t even think anything about it when he was over and we were working on it. He asked if it was ok before he did it. I wasn’t really sure, but he promised we could stop if I was uncomfortable with it.”
“Were you? Uncomfortable, I mean.”
“No.” Buck chuckled. “He was a very good kisser.” Chris rolled his eyes, but his cheeks were pink in embarrassment. “Anyway, dad actually came home early that day. Caught us in the sun room. He didn’t yell or anything, but he did tell him, Kyle, that he had to leave. I don’t know what else he said, but Kyle … when I went to school the next day, he said we couldn’t do projects together anymore. My grades sort of … took a dive, after that. I liked working on things together. I liked having a partner. But instead of pushing it, instead of doing everything I could to get Kyle back in my life somehow, I just … I tried out for football. Became one of the dumb jocks. If my dad cared more about me kissing a boy than my grades, then … then it was worth it.”
“You’re not dumb, Buck.” Chris frowned.
“I know. But, uh, ADHD wasn’t really that well known when I was younger. And for the kids who were diagnosed, it … they generally hid it. It was something they were made fun of for.”
“Have you tried anything now?” Chris asked curiously.
“Do you think I should?”
“Buck,” Chris sighed heavily, as if he were a disappointed parent, and Buck heard Eddie snort from the kitchen, “it’s not something that just goes away.”
“No, I guess it isn’t.” Buck chuckled. “Would you feel better if I talked to my therapist and got tested?”
“I think it would make you feel better.” Chris said, giving him an unimpressed look that he definitely learned from his dad. Eddie had given him the same expression on some more daring rescues.
“How about once you and your dad go home, I call my therapist and see what she says?”
“And you’ll let me know?”
“I will let you know, yes.” Buck laughed lightly.
“Because … because your parents were wrong, Buck.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean … they weren’t very nice people. But you? You’re- you’re the nicest person in the world, Buck. It’s like any goodness they could have had was all sapped away and put into you. And … and Daniel knew that. That’s why he wrote you a letter. You’re a good friend, Buck. A good brother, and a good dad. Even if you’re not really my dad.”
“Thanks buddy.” Buck said softly, feeling better at Chris’ certainty.
“And dad’s an idiot for not seeing it.”
“Hey!” Eddie hollered from the kitchen, making both of them laugh. “This is about Buck, mijo. Not me.”
“But it’s true.” Chris argued, still grinning at them.
“It’s ok that your dad only likes girls, Chris.” Buck snickered. “As long as you know it’s ok that I like both.”
“Dad likes girls, but he also likes you.” Chris argued. “I only like girls. Kinda like Maddie only likes boys.”
“And that’s ok.” Buck said firmly. “Besides, you’re only eight, so you have plenty of time to figure it all out.”
“I turn 10 in a few weeks, Buck.” Chris said, rolling his eyes.
“What? No you don’t. I strictly remember you were just seven.” Buck faux argued, grinning over his shoulder at Eddie who was smiling at them.
“You’ve known me for two years now, Buck.” Chris laughed. “I turned eight right after we met. And now I’m turning 10. I hope you have something good planned for me since I’m hitting double digits.”
“Don’t remind me.” Eddie groaned.
“Don’t mind him, it just means he’s turning 30 soon, too.” Buck whispered, smiling when Chris burst out laughing. “We’ll plan something fun, though.”
“Good.” Chris beamed at him happily, and it made Buck feel slightly better.
He wasn’t … better, exactly. But maybe with some time he could be.