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He could hear the soft sounds of her crying inside, muffled as though she were trying to make sure he couldn’t hear her through the door. An impossible task, even on days which were not as choked by stifling silence as this. From the minute he had fallen in love with her, even in the years he had been her friend, his senses had been attuned to her in a way he had only realized was love when he first began to give her lessons on attracting a suitor. But after declaring themselves, after having bared their bodies and souls to one another, it was as though every nerve in Colin’s body had been created to seek Penelope out.
What if the Queen hadn’t chosen their wedding breakfast to issue her ominous threat about Whistledown? What if he could have held her hand in the carriage ride home, instead of sitting next to each other unable to feel anything but the deafening quiet and the sting of unshed tears reddening their eyes? What if he could have carried her over the threshold of their bedchamber as he had dreamed, his impossibly beautiful Pen looking as ethereal as an angel carved by a master in her wedding dress? What if, after finding a tenuous way during the wedding ceremony to reassure each other of their love, they could have spent their wedding night together? Wrapped in each other’s embrace and drawing comfort from each other’s touch, instead of separated by a few feet of distance which felt vaster than a continent. Why had everything gone to hell?
He stood outside the door now, touching the panel with his hands, desperate to go inside and wrap Pen in his arms, to soothe her tears and seek his own comfort. Every part of him felt stretched impossibly tight, as though one errant word or unexpected touch would shatter him into pieces. How heartbroken his new wife must be. How she had broken his heart when she refused to give up Whistledown. She claimed he could not understand what it was to be a woman with so little power in this world, and he couldn’t refute the truth of her statement. But couldn’t she understand that to continue being Whistledown was to render him useless, unable to protect her, unable to do the one thing which had finally given his wandering existence a sense of purpose? Why couldn’t his love be enough for her, when hers had become everything to him? Maybe ….maybe for this one night, this night they had both looked forward to with such impatience, he could let everything go and just be with her. He took a deep breath and nearly turned the door handle, freezing at the very last second.
He knew if her saw her crying he would shatter once more. He knew she would consume his senses and he would be unable to withstand kissing her, touching her, worshipping her body with his hands and mouth. And he knew if he woke up the next morning with the Queen’s threat and Whisteldown’s shadow still looming over them, he would hate himself. Hate himself for making love to Pen as though his body could be a separate thing from his mind. It would insult the purity of what they had shared the day he had first brought her here; it would reduce the most meaningful moments of his life into an emotionless physical act, and from the moment he had first kissed her, he had known he could never be that man again.
Wiping away the bitter tears falling down his face, he turned away from the door once again and sat down on the settee, hardening his heart to her pain and his own. Perhaps she couldn’t understand; he could barely understand it himself. But he loved her too much to make love to her like this. Until they could put this misery behind them and figure out a tangible way forward, he would stay out here. Where he could at least share the same air as her….
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A bright flash of lightning shot across the sky, the thundering rain startling Colin out of his sleep. He sat up in his bed with a gasp, drenched in sweat and his heart racing wildly. For a few confused moments, he had no idea where he was and tried to adjust his eyes to the darkness surrounding him, groping the bedsheets. When his hands touched the sleeping form lying in deep slumber next to him, his breath returned to his lungs unsteadily.
“Pen.” His voice was barely a whisper as he lay back down next to his sleeping wife, reaching out to gently brush back strands of hair which had fallen across her face as she tossed and turned during the night, the general discomforts of early pregnancy rendering her perpetually exhausted. She only had a few hours each night when she slept deeply, and he was grateful his restlessness hadn’t disturbed her.
It had been a nightmare. The same nightmare which continued to plague him weeks after the night he had been reliving torturously in the dark recesses of his mind had passed. During all the days after they had reconciled, Colin had found himself basking in the unburdened peace of Penelope’s love and the relief of the threat being in the past, his days no longer encumbered. But the nights were a more unforgiving beast, unwilling to let him forget the wedding night when he hadn’t comforted his crying wife, convincing him every time he slept that he was still outside, devastated, and she was still inside, alone.
The guilt had worsened the nightmares when, a few weeks ago, Penelope’s suspected pregnancy had been verified by their family physician. Newlywedded bliss made time hazy, and it wasn’t until things had calmed down a bit that they realized Pen’s courses hadn’t come for two months in a row. That realization had nearly brought him to his knees in front of her to beg her forgiveness. He knew women in the ton were kept deliberately uneducated about the realities of marital relations, but as a man he had known better. He had finished inside her during their first coupling (and once more the night they had reconciled, though that was too late to be the cause of her pregnancy) and ought to have kept abreast of her health. Every other time since he had pulled out, nearly killing himself with the strain of not finishing inside her, unaware that what he was trying to avoid had already occurred.
Even if conceiving so soon hadn’t seemed likely, he ought to have told her about pregnancy being a possibility and to inform him if anything was amiss. The resulting conversation from the pregnancy reveal was still fresh in his mind.
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“Colin, stop,” Pen had begged him as he hugged her to his chest tightly and began mumbling an endless stream of apologies to her for not being mindful.
“No, Pen, please do not stop me,” he implored, kissing the top of her head, her neck, her forehead. Pen sighed and let him kiss her as much as he wished, every kiss trying to make up for a crime she didn’t even believe he had committed.
He pulled back and the sadness in his eyes broke her heart for him.
“I should have explained things to you,” he stroked her face gently with his fingers. “I was so caught up that day-”
“As was I,” Pen interrupted.
“When I brought you to see our home, I wasn’t expecting-”
“I know it wasn’t planned, Colin. I was swept along as well.”
“But I should have known better. I let my impulses overrule good sense, I didn’t think to tell you what finishing inside you could lead to.”
A faint blush rose in her cheeks at the memory he referred to. She grabbed his hands in hers to steady his nerves. He tilted his head to one side, looking at her with such apology in his eyes, she could barely stand it.
“Colin Bridgerton, you are the kindest, most considerate man I have ever known. Berating yourself over one moment of impulsivity is cruel.”
“Impulsivity and carelessness are not one and the same Pen. Do not excuse my faults so easily.”
“It is not a matter of excusing anything,” she retorted. “I think you forget how full of conflicting stresses those days were. We were barely engaged a few days when you learned about my double life. Then the wedding, her majesty’s threat, Cressida’s blackmail…we hadn’t a moment to breathe, to consider anything rationally let alone fathom pregnancy.”
“But I knew-I didn’t know, but I at least suspected-that you may not have been informed of how one becomes pregnant. It was my responsibility-” He rubbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, his agitation scrambling his coherence.
“Truly, did you have any reason to think I would be pregnant after only one day of intimacy?” she asked incredulously. “You may not have told me so explicitly, but I think even I had gleaned enough information by then to know eating cake probably is not how one becomes with child-”
Colin bit the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling at her last statement. The misinformation spread amongst young women in the ton about sexual relations ought to be punishable by law.
“But despite that,” Pen continued, “despite knowing that if intimacy was so much different than I expected, childbearing must be also…despite missing two months of courses …if I was too distracted to be alerted to the possibility…”
He shook his head. “But we had not even had a chance to discuss having children so soon. I feel as though the choice was taken from you. It should have been a mutual conversation, not an accident.”
A look of anger flashed across her face. She tugged his hand towards their bed and indicated he should sit down. He sat up against the headboard, legs splayed out in front of him. She got on her knees in between them and cupped his face tightly.
“Listen to me clearly, husband of mine. This is the last time you will refer to our child as an accident.”
“I only meant-”
“Let me finish speaking,” she insisted, putting two fingers on his mouth to quiet him. He kissed her fingers gently and became silent.
“I know we did not plan this to happen so soon. I am terrified as you are. I am only just learning how to be a wife and mistress of my own house. To imagine being a mother as well is overwhelming, especially as I have only just gained some sense of independence in my life. I did not dream this would happen so soon. But I would be lying if I said this is not another dream that is being fulfilled.” She stopped for a moment as though to gather her thoughts.
“I grew up feeling so untethered to my mother and sisters; being with your family, becoming friends with Eloise and you particularly, made me realize how badly I craved that love for myself. Not just the love of a good and decent man, but a family of my own. To have children with the man I love, to watch them grow up knowing they were cherished, to give them everything I did not have.”
Her face was clouded, as though lost in reminisces of unhappier times. Colin pulled her close to him and kissed her softly on the forehead, letting her unburden her heart without interruption.
“This child may be coming into our lives earlier than we planned. But it is not unwelcome. It is not unwanted. Nothing which comes from our love will ever be unwanted. Being your wife was a dream I had forsaken until you began to see me differently. So let me enjoy this one dream that is coming true without any reservations, without anything but happiness. We have gone through so much to get here. Let us have this without any recriminations.”
He wanted to argue further, but he did not want to agitate his newly pregnant wife any further. They would have the coming days and months to talk through their concerns and prepare as best as they could; he would have to be content with that for now. Resigning, Colin adjusted her to him so that her back was against his chest, and she fit snugly between his legs. He wrapped his arms around her and lowered his head to her shoulder.
“No recriminations,” he agreed, protectively covering her stomach with his hand.
Pen sighed contentedly and leaned her head back against him. Unexpectedly, a naughty smirk came over her face which she bit her lips to hide unsuccessfully. Colin, who had been peppering soft kisses down her cheek, noticed the change in her expression in the mirror in front of the bed.
“Why do you suddenly look so mischievous?”
She giggled and shook her head.
“Come, now,” he implored, tickling her ribcage lightly, which immediately made her squeal and squirm. “No secrets in front of the mirror. It may take offense.”
She cocked her eyebrows. “Inanimate objects cannot take offense; I regret to inform you.”
“Mmm,” he murmured, brushing her hair over one shoulder so he could place teasing kisses down her throat and shoulder. Her body responded immediately to his touch, shivering as her eyes fluttered closed. “I have it on good authority that this inanimate object would certainly have objections to you keeping secrets. After all,” his fingers began caressing her breasts over her robe, eliciting a pleased shudder, “we have laid bare more of ourselves in front of this mirror than with anything else in this home.”
A flush blossomed across her face and made its way tantalizingly down her throat and chest.
“Colin.”
It wasn’t a question or a remark, as much as a breathless response to his words and the reminder of the wicked journey the mirror had taken with them across this room and other spaces of the home in their newlywed days.
He pulled both shoulders of her gown down, exposing her soft skin to his wandering lips and making her writhe against his increasing hardness. “So, Mrs. Bridgerton. Will you reveal what had you looking so very naughty?”
“You are incorrigible,” she replied, attempting to twist sideways so she could capture his lips with her own.
He chuckled and lowered his mouth to hers, kissing her deeply before pulling back a few seconds later, eliciting a groan of protest. “No rewards for withholding secrets.”
She sighed in resignation, her frustrated arousal lowering her defenses. “I was only thinking…now that I am expecting …”
“Hmm?” His fingers were running torturous circles around her nipples, making coherent thought a near impossibility. But she muddled through.
“Well…as I am already with child, you do not have to…I mean…you could stay…” her face was nearly scarlet with embarrassment, and she looked away.
Warm pleasure rushed through Colin’s body and made his blood thump as he realized what she was attempting to get out. He turned her body towards his, so her legs were now fitted across his lap, making it easier to lower his mouth to hers for a kiss.
“I could come inside you,” he said hotly, finally covering her mouth with his own and swallowing her answering whimper of pleasure. One of her hands reached up to grab his shoulder as the other dug into his hair, clutching him to her. Their lips and tongues tangled together as she adjusted herself so she was straddling him. Her robe had hitched itself around her hips and he could feel her rubbing maddeningly against his erection, reaching down with impatient fingers to unbutton his pants. He did not have to pull out of her at the last minute anymore, at least not for the foreseeable future. Now that he wasn’t conscious of getting her pregnant, he could lose himself inside her fully as he had only allowed himself twice before.
He lowered her off him and onto the pillow, shedding his clothes as he did so and untying her robe simultaneously. His body covered hers as he moved his mouth to her breast, reveling in the arch of her body against his.
“It is very unfortunate,” he muttered, closing his lips around a nipple and sucking, making Pen dig her nails into his back.
“Un-Unfortunate?” she managed to gasp, moving her head up from the pillow slightly to meet his eyes.
“Indeed,” he said, the blue of his eyes nearly darkened to black as he met her stare, his fingers moving to her wet center. “Unfortunate that you will have to cancel all prior and future engagements for this year; as Whistledown, as Penelope Bridgerton, or otherwise. Because you are not leaving this bedroom until I make that mirror combust in shame.”
And with that proclamation his lips returned to her breast as his fingers slid into her folds, effectively rendering any response on her part mute as she fell back onto the pillow.
“Oh, Colin ….”
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“Colin?”
His mind was jolted back to the present at the sound of Pen’s sleepy voice calling his name. He pulled the blanket back above her shoulders; it had become dislodged from his agitated movements.
“I’m sorry if I woke you,” he whispered, moving his body close to hers and kissing her on top of her head. “Go back to sleep.”
She shook her head stubbornly, rubbing the slumber from her eyes. “Why are you not asleep? Did the storm wake you?”
“No,” he mumbled against her hair, pulling her more snugly into his side and breathing the scent of her hair in more deeply. “I am simply feeling restless.”
She pulled back to look at him questioningly; her eyes adjusted a bit to the dark and she was able to make out the shadowed lines of his face, somber and sleep deprived. “Was it because I was tossing and turning? Deep sleep seems to evade me for the better part of the night these days …if you should wish to sleep in a different room-”
She fell quiet at the disapproval in his eyes.
“I am not sleeping apart from you, Pen,” he said, sounding so serious she knew better than to press the subject further. “Not now, not ever again.”
She smiled and reached up to kiss his cheek before settling her head against his chest, one palm coming to rest on his heartbeat. As she liked to remind him every night, drifting off to sleep in his arms, it was her favorite sound in the world.
“Then what troubles you? I hope it not our mamas. Their excitement at becoming grandmamas is endearing, but I admit that even I find it somewhat exhausting listening to them plan endlessly for the baby as though if we leave a single detail undecided, Mayfair will riot against us. If I am made to examine one more colour palette for the nursery, they are not invited to visit until their grandchild is ten years old.
Colin chuckled lightly at her words. Penelope would make him laugh even if they were in the eye of a hurricane.
“I can simply have them barred indefinitely from our premises if it suits my wife,” he offered.
He could feel her grin against his chest; he loved making her smile. “Do not tempt me. Little Bridgerton inside me is already trying to accustom me to sleepless nights. The days being equally tiring I simply refuse.”
He stroked her curls gently, hoping it would lull her back to sleep so she could rest. His mother had warned him that early pregnancy, especially a first pregnancy, was an incredible adjustment on the mind and body of a young woman. Taking care of Pen’s health was paramount and Colin had all but glued himself to her side as an appendage.
“Whatever you need, my love.”
Pen yawned and snuggled herself deeper into him. “You take good care of me, Mr. Bridgerton.”
He smiled. She never lost an opportunity to call him Mr. Bridgeton, as though relishing every instance on behalf of young Penelope as well as her current self.
“I always shall. Lord knows I have so much to make up for.” Even as the words were coming out of his mouth, he regretted them. Perhaps sleeplessness made him careless, and she immediately latched onto his statement as he knew she would, instantly alert; her head lifted off his chest and he could see her looking at him with skepticism and judgement.
“What do you have to make up for?”
“Nothing, I merely misspoke.” He bent down to kiss her lightly, hoping it would placate her into ignoring his blunder. She kissed him back eagerly but then pulled away, with that determined look in her eyes which he knew would accept no foolishness from him.
“Colin, you will not distract me from my questions.”
He groaned lightly, before kissing her cheek and moving slowly to caress her earlobe with his tongue, one of her most sensitive spots he liked to torture her with. “Can I at least attempt it?” he breathed in a deep, low voice into her ear.
She closed her eyes and moaned, submitting to his caresses for a moment before she shook her head and shuffled to sit up. “Colin! This distraction will not work-”
He pulled her back to him roughly, latching onto her throat and scraping her pulse point with his teeth. “But it worked so well earlier, did it not?” he teased against her skin. His proximity wasn’t helping matters for her; neither was his hardness pressed intently against her legs and making sane thought nearly impossible.
She curled her fingers into his hair, allowing herself to succumb to the delicious sensations he was invoking everywhere for a brief minute. “That was different…”
“Hmmm,” he replied, untying her nightgown to expose her pale flesh to the soft moonlight streaming in through the curtains. “Perhaps. But one cannot argue with success.”
“You are not playing fair,” she replied, knowing how insincere her protests must sound when her traitorous body was betraying her by the gathering wetness between her legs as his fingers traced the slivers of moonlight across her skin. “I was merely editing a column, not trying to get…oh!” she gasped as he stroked his fingers across her folds, trying to drive her insane by inches.
“And I helped you with the editing, did I not?” he asked, his voice a low growl as his tongue traced her mouth before demanding entrance and tangling with her own.
Pen could only mumble a vague assent against his lips as their kisses deepened, emboldened by the memory of ink stains in places ink had no business being. She had taken an extra long bath to scrub off the mess they had made.
“Helped me indeed,” she panted when their lips parted to breathe. His fingers had abandoned her aching centre to lightly play with her breasts. He loved doing maddening things to her in bed, refusing to give her relief until she was on the brink of begging. “Helped the quill out of my hand and the clothing right off my body, you did.”
He laughed and pulled back to look at her, gently nudging his nose against hers. “If I recall correctly, my own clothes joined yours mere seconds after.”
Pen brought the hand that had been touching her up to her lips, carefully pulling his fingers into her mouth one by one, tasting herself on him. It drove him nearly delirious with desire when she did that, and even in the dim light she could see his chest heaving in response.
“How was I to feel you filling me up so completely if you insisted on my being the only naked one? It was hardly just.”
“Wicked woman,” he responded, crashing his lips against hers once more. Penelope’s mind was quickly becoming foggy, but through the haze she managed to remember that she had been asking him an important question before he so skillfully distracted her.
“Colin, wait-” she pushed her hands gently against his chest to stop him. He pulled back immediately at her serious tone, a look of concern shadowing his face.
“Are you okay? If you are too tired or unwell, let us stop.”
“No, nothing like that,” she reassured him. “I mean yes, I am tired as a matter of course nowadays…but please, you must explain what you meant by what you said earlier.”
“Pen,” he rested his head against her shoulder, his voice muffled by her skin. “Can you not accept that I merely misspoke?”
“I would if I believed that to be true,” she replied, knotting her robe closed once more. She cupped his face in her hands forced him to look her in the eyes. “But I know my husband. I know you did not misspeak. Just as I know it is not simple restlessness keeping you awake.” Colin stared into her eyes, a look of pained resignation pulling his mouth downwards. It was astonishing how quickly the playful man of mere moments ago had been replaced by this deeply saddened creature. He had not merely been trying to distract her. He was seeking distraction for himself also, from whatever ailed his heart.
“What is it?” she asked, all teasing gone from her voice, substituted by alarm. “What hurts you? Please, we promised no more secrets.”
He closed his eyes as though gathering his thoughts with immense difficulty. She sat up and he adjusted his posture to rest his head against her stomach, arms wrapped around her waist.
“I did not take care of you both.” His voice came out sudden and strangled.
“What?” she asked in astonishment. “Do you really speak of yourself? Colin, from the moment we have found out I was expecting, you have barely let me lift anything heavier than my hairbrush. My legs threaten to atrophy out of disuse since you won’t let me stand for more than two minutes.”
He smiled slightly at her exaggeration, shifting so he was lying on his back, staring up at her. She began stroking his forehead and he closed his eyes, gathering merciful bits of peace from her touch. His eyes remained closed as he spoke.
“When we found out that you were with child, the only worry I had was that I hadn’t been careful, that we hadn’t prepared fully…”
Pen didn’t say anything in response; she knew that interrupting him even once would make his courage falter. He opened his eyes, not quite meeting her gaze.
“I have been having nightmares, Pen. For days after we reconciled, I would dream that I was sleeping outside, and you were still alone in here and this door between us would never open.”
She frowned then, saddened as she would always be by thought of the undeserving pain his mind put him through. How he could forgive her so completely and still hold himself guilty somehow never failed to astonish her.
“But after the physician verified you were expecting, the nightmares went away for a few benevolent days. My mind was occupied only with your welfare and taking the best care of you and our child.” He turned slightly to kiss her stomach. “I thought the sad nights were behind me at last. Until my mind began its calculations, as though it wasn’t quite done punishing me.”
He stopped for a few seconds, stroking the gentle curve of her belly. “I realized we had been careful, except for two occasions; the second was far too recent to be the cause. Which meant that if you were expecting, it could only have been because of the first time we were intimate.”
Pen gasped slightly, connecting the train of thought his mind had taken, and why tears were suddenly streaming down his face.
“You were pregnant during our engagement, Pen,” he choked out. Her eyes filled with tears, but she held them back determinedly, knowing that seeing her break would only make him unable to continue.
“You were pregnant when I learned about Whistledown. When I spent our engagement days not seeing you. The day we wed-” He stopped there for a second, swallowing heavily, as though every word was causing him physical agony.
“You were carrying our child and I slept away from you. I refused to talk to you. I was lost so deep inside my own anger and insecurities; I never even considered the possibility. I abandoned you when you were carrying our child. The guilt won’t let me sleep Pen. The guilt won’t let me rest.”
He took a shuddering breath and buried his face in her stomach, unable to speak anymore. She could feel his body shaking, with relief or sadness, or perhaps both. For a few minutes, everything was silent except for his heavy breathing as his tears receded and he came back to himself. She kept stroking his hair gently, wiping away the few tears she had allowed herself while he faced away from her. When he finally seemed calmer, she gently pushed his head off her and got up to light a candelabra at their bedside. The soft glow brought his tear and sleep weary face into greater relief.
“Do you not think of yourself as human, Colin?” she finally asked, joining him once again on the bed. He sat up beside her, holding her hands in his as though it was the only thing he could do to steady himself. His eyes were swollen but he didn’t say anything.
“Do you truly hate yourself because you could not see into the future and know I would come to expect so soon? Were you to divine from thin air that I was carrying our child when there was so much misery and threat of danger lurking over our heads?”
He shook his head. “No, you give me too much credit-”
“And you do not give yourself nearly enough. I do not believe for a moment that if you had time to consider the possibility of my pregnancy with a free and unburdened mind, you would not have been at my side instantly.”
His head tilted to the side, in that peculiar way he had of conveying disbelief and love at the same time. “I was angry at you for not letting me protect you. And to imagine that at the same time I was failing at what I was enraged at you for not letting me do….”
Pen nearly scoffed at the absurdity of the claim. “You cannot fail at a task which you did not even know you had undertaken yet. I love you so very much,” she cupped his cheek to pull his face down and kissed him softly. “I love you because you have made me feel safe, every moment of the time we have been together.”
He looked as though he wanted to believe her but couldn’t completely. “Even when-”
“Yes,” she interrupted him. “Even when we weren’t speaking. Especially then, because at least part of your anger stemmed from wanting to protect me. Wanting to be everything you could. I told you that you are enough as you are, but I also know you cannot help being like this. The instinct to protect goes so deep, you are judging yourself for not being there for a child you did not know existed yet. Why won’t you allow yourself the same kindness you bestow upon everyone else?”
Colin pulled her into his lap, hugging her fiercely to his chest. “I will always keep you safe. I will keep you both safe.”
She rested her cheek against his heartbeat. “We will be safe so long as we have you.” He said nothing more in response, holding her as close as possible. She knew it would not be so simple for his fears to dissipate. A lifetime of feeling aimless had built in him a desperate desire to be faultless in every new role he took on. Impending fatherhood had done nothing to alleviate those fears, but she would help him through it. One night at a time.
He was kissing her forehead now, gentle kisses raining down her nose and then her cheeks. He was trying to lull her back to sleep, but she suddenly remembered there was one other order of unfinished business and pulled back to glare at him.
He raised his eyebrows in question.
“You have been having nightmares for weeks. Why am I only just now hearing about this?”
“You have been exhausted and not resting well. I was hardly about to-”
“Oh!” she bit out, pulling herself off his lap. “If you dare say you did not want to disturb me, we will have words right now.”
He bit his cheeks in amusement as she got on her knees, fists to her side as though to intimidate him. He reached out to brush back a lock of hair which had fallen over her eyes as she shifted.
“I appreciate your anger, Pen, but you are about as terrifying as a newborn pup.”
She narrowed her eyes, clearly unamused by his antics. “We are meant to go through this together, Colin. I will help you, but not if you are more concerned with my physical rest than your peace of mind.”
He pulled her back into his arms. “How do you wish to help me? I will not consent to you staying awake every night and minimizing the few hours of restful sleep you are getting. But I am willing to consider all reasonable alternatives.”
She studied his face with the same look of intense concentration she got working on her columns. “Fine. I will consent to let the matter rest for tonight while I think of a solution. But what about tonight.”
“What about it?” he asked.
“If I know you cannot rest, I hardly will. We need to find a way to exhaust you for the time being at least.”
“Oh?” his eyebrows rose high on his forehead, a look of utter impishness replacing the previous sombre expression. She blushed pleasingly at his leering. Although her shyness in the bedroom was lessening every moment that they were together, he still managed to make her bashful when he looked at her unabashedly like she was a treat on a sweet platter.
“Are you really going to ignore your own principle?” she asked, burrowing her face into his chest as his hands palmed her back, warming up her perpetually cold skin even through her gown.
“And what principle would that be?” he asked, leaning down to nip gently along the shell of her ear. She bit her bottom lip, finally allowing herself to be thoroughly distracted by his ministrations. Also wanting to repay the torture, she reached between them to gently stroke him to hardness through his night trousers, relishing the hiss of air that escaped him as he moved into her touch. She met his eyes, hooded over with his arousal.
“No rewards for keeping secrets.”
“Mmm,” he conceded, pulling her to straddle his lap and untying her robe in the same instant, “perhaps we can make an exception just this once. After all,” he pressed his words hotly into the exact spot where her throat met her left shoulder, “I am nearly tired enough to sleep, but could use a little assistance.” Not waiting for her to respond, he began sucking at the very spot, making her grasp his shoulders tightly and push her hips against him.
“I believe I am amenable to an exception this once,” she conceded eagerly. Her fingers hooked around his night trousers, tugging them down impatiently. At least he slept shirtless, making her job easier. He lifted himself slightly off the bed to help her, pulling her open gown off her shoulders and tossing it carelessly to the ground. Pen took the opportunity to rub her wet folds against his erection, capturing his groan with her lips.
He deepened the kiss right away, his tongue tracing her lips before tangling with her own in a familiar dance. His hands had slithered around to cup her bottom, squeezing gently. Her own hands curled into his disheveled curls and scraped through them, a favorite pastime of hers during and outside of lovemaking.
He captured her bottom lip between his teeth, tugging gently as he moved one hand in between them to run his fingers through the wetness pooled between her thighs. She whimpered into his mouth, and he gently inserted two fingers into her, making her cry aloud as she broke her lips away from his, unable to focus on the kiss. Her hips were moving wildly against his fingers, her breaths increasingly frantic. She reached between them to wrap her hand around him once more, pumping him up and down with practiced ease and driving him to utter madness.
“Penelope,” he said in an awed whisper, and her eyes opened slowly to meet his. There was something in them that she could not exactly name, but it was more potent than desire, more tangible than mere intimacy. He seemed to be drinking her in as though his fingers were memorizing her from the inside out. Their gaze did not break as he began rubbing his thumb against her clit, his fingers moving more persistently and coiling up the tension within her to unbearable levels. She could feel her climax getting nearer and her strokes on his erection became more frantic, relishing his gasps and knowing he was close to relief himself.
He curled his fingers inside her, hitting the exact right place as she fell forward, his name falling from her lips as she convulsed around him, her whole body collapsing from the force of her orgasm.
With what must have taken superhuman control, he moved her off him and adjusted her back onto her pillow. In one single move, he covered her body with his, pulled her legs up to wrap around his waist, and pushed into her with a swift thrust, stretching her to the brim and capturing her lips once more to drink in her cries of pleasure. One hand remained on her upper thigh while the other came up to cup and squeeze her breast, pinching her nipple lightly; his tongue tasted her urgently, his hips pumping into her harder, as though he could not bear to be disconnected to any part of her. A million different sensations coursed through her body at once, disorienting her. She shifted her hips to push back against him, and he responded by thrusting faster, moving a small pillow under her hips to open her up more fully to him. The deeper angle nearly drove her to climax again, and she dug her fingernails into his sweat damp back, pulling her mouth away from his and biting his shoulders, eliciting a guttural sound from deep within him.
Despite every atom of her body being attuned to their coupling, Penelope sensed a visible change in how Colin was making love to her, and it wasn’t until she felt his clinging kisses across her neck and shoulders that it came to her. He was not looking into her eyes, which was not so strange in and of itself were it not for the fact that looking into her eyes while he was inside her was a tacit law in their marital relations. He derived such visceral pleasure from giving her pleasure, and vice versa, that for him to not be looking at her could not be accidental. He had not yet come down completely from his earlier admission, and she was certain he was afraid she would see something other than unadulterated pleasure should he meet her gaze.
She would not allow him to hide.
“Colin,” she breathed heavily, moving her hands up his back to pull his hair gently. “Colin, please look at me.”
His back tensed at her command, but he complied, pulling back from her throat, arms straining from the effort of not resting all his weight on her. When their eyes met, she saw such desperation in them. Desperation to anchor himself to her as though he were briefly lost on tempestuous shores and needed her to bring him afloat.
“We are safe, Colin,” she told him, putting as much conviction as she could muster into her assurance as his movements slowed somewhat, hips rolling more gently against hers.
“We have you now and we will be alright.” His breathing grew labored at her words, and he began plunging deeply into her once again, as though her words released a dam that had been building for ages.
“Penelope, Pen, my Pen.” Her name fell from his lips over and over as he filled her deeply, raining kisses all over her face. Every time he had made love to her previously, he had either devoured her or savored her. Tonight, it was as though he was drawing every ounce of comfort and stability he could from her body, loving her not out of pure physical need but as though being inside her was what was keeping him alive.
She drew his mouth to hers urgently, the anxious kisses matching the rhythm of their bodies moving faster and faster towards the end. Colin drew one hand between them again to her swollen bud, rebuilding the rising fire that had been previously extinguished. Her muscles tensed and she felt him swelling inside her as they came together, eyes drinking each other in as he spent himself inside her, their lips crashing together one last time to swallow each other’s sighs of bliss.
“I love you.” They both said the words at the same time, and began laughing, their still entangled limbs trembling from exhaustion, relief and joy all at once. He pulled out of her gently, pulling her into his side immediately. She kissed his chest before settling into his embrace. His fingers curled into her hair once again, combing through them, the gentle strokes pulling her back into slumber at last.
“I think you have exhausted me sufficiently to sleep well this one night, at least,” he teased against her hair, a yawn accompanying his words as though in evidence.
Pen giggled sleepily. “Doctor Penelope’s special sleeping draught.”
Soon after, her eyes drifted shut and her breathing evened out. Colin started at her sleeping form pensively for a few moments before moving his free hand down to her stomach, careful to keep his touch as soft as possible to not wake her again. She hadn’t begun showing much yet, only the slightest increase in roundness indicating the change. Somehow, his entire universe was now contained inside the petite woman who slept quietly next to him; the miracle of it would never cease to amaze him.
She had taken his worst fears and put them at bay as only she could. He knew the mental conflicts which formed his nightmares would not go away in one night. But he would take tonight’s mercy and pray it would carry him through the coming nights. That thought began pulling his mind under at last, his eyes drifting shut as he pulled their blanket higher up to cover them both.
“We have you now and we will be alright,” she had promised him.
“I shall keep you both safe,” he promised them again, the words a soundless vow that melted into the still night around them. He was asleep moments later, arms wrapped protectively around her in a thousand silent oaths.
Perhaps, after many long nights, he would have sweet dreams.