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Los Angeles was some kind of beautiful dream, Eddie thought to himself as he and Christopher drove through the hills. There were more trees than he had expected for a semi-desert city, and even though traffic was a bitch and he was still acclimating to adjusting his commute time, Eddie couldn’t help but feel at home here, with the beach only a short (ish) drive away and fucking amazing food everywhere. He didn’t move them here for the aesthetic though, he moved them here for a better life. The resources in California for Christopher were unbelievable, and he couldn’t refuse that for his son. Different outreach programs, summer camps, support for therapies and counseling, even just groups that connected parents of kids with CP - and all just much more accessible than anything available in El Paso. His parents didn’t understand, but he didn’t expect them too. They just assumed they could fill in the gaps for him and maybe they could, for now. But Eddie knew his parents. They weren’t flexible, they were rigid. He was worried that they would break under the inevitable pressure if he stayed there and leaned on them forever.
Besides, this was a fresh start for them. Unfortunately, that fresh start was expensive. Very expensive. He had nearly drained his savings moving them here, and even though the projected pay once he was an official LAFD firefighter was excellent, he was still finishing the academy and even after that, he would be on probationary pay. God, he just needed a little side hustle until he graduated the program and got his full firefighter salary. Something that wasn’t too demanding, that he could do while he wasn’t in the program, or while Christopher was at school - something he could slip into and out of easily when he needed the money. He mulled over his financial straits while listening to Christopher chat excitedly about marine mammals (his new fixation now that they lived close to the ocean) and slowly wound their way back into the suburbs, back to the little two bedroom house they were renting. It was perfect for them - just the right size, in the right neighborhood, and Eddie loved the Spanish style of the house. He wanted to stay there, but the rent was exorbitant.
Eddie put his worries away through dinner and bedtime, feeling content in their routine.
“You good now? Going to have good dreams right?” He stroked a hand through Christopher’s hair, feeling that intense, protective, all consuming love for his kid pulse through him. He would do anything for him, to make him happy, to make him safe.
“Yeah Dad,” Christopher responded, yawning as he snuggled down into his bedding. “I really like it here,” he murmured. “Thank you. I love you.”
Shit, well he can’t let Christopher down. He can’t uproot him again, especially since Chris was adjusting so well, he seemed so happy here. This could be so good for them, Eddie could feel it.
“I love you too bud,” Eddie said softly, leaning over to kiss Christopher’s forehead and turn off the light. Welp, now he had to scrub through job listings. Surely there would be something to get him through the next few months.
—
Eddie looked through the classified section every night for a week, contemplating whether pizza delivery boy was going to work or not when something caught his eye.
$$$ MALE MODELS WANTED $$$
Unique opportunity for sexy men who aren’t afraid to show off!
Must be okay with posing nude and/or with other male models.
SHORT CONTRACTS AVAILABLE
More information available upon request.
He paused. Male model? It’s not like Eddie didn’t know he was good looking. He never had trouble picking up women, but he wasn’t sure he was cut out for nude work. He stared at the phone number. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to call, just to find out what the contract was like, what kind of work they’d be doing. It would be easy, he thought. Not strenuous, not like his day job. Embarrassing maybe, but who would have to know? It was unlikely any of his coworkers, friends or family would be looking at anything that involved nude male models.
He called.
—
“How much?” Eddie spluttered. He felt like his stomach was dropping out through his ass.
“$1,500 per shoot, with a contract that guarantees five shoot days, after you go through a chemistry test with another one of models,” the assistant on the phone explained patiently to him. “We like to build a sort of…story line with our scenes, if you will. Are you interested in coming in for an evaluation Mr. Diaz?”
There was no way that kind of money was real. For modeling? Off the jump? He just wanted a few extra bucks to get through gas and utilities, but this kind of cash could make a dent in his rental bills, maybe help him re-grow his savings account until he graduated from the academy.
“So $7,500 total?” He clarified. An extra $7,500 would be incredible. And he only had to keep it going for two, maybe three months and he’d be set.
“Yes sir,” the voice on the other end, Ms. Martinez, confirmed. “Can I make you an appointment?”
A little voice in the back of his head made him hesitate. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
“When can I come in?” He heard himself say, anyway.
—
Eddie’s palms were sweating as he pulled into the small parking lot of a tiny office building in Hollywood. Suddenly he had images of him being ambushed, jumped by scammers who had lured him to this place to rob him blind and leave him defenseless on the street. His adrenaline spiked and he felt the hairs on his arms raise as the feeling of being hunted returned to him - a weird, deja vu echoing in his mind as he recalled the taste of blood in his mouth, the sound of shots being fired, his friends screaming around him as dust blurred his vision.
No, he told himself. No. He was safe. He was fine. He was in California, in Hollywood, about to audition for a male model position as unlikely as it sounded. He could do this.
It wasn’t hard to find the right office number, and he was greeted by a smiling woman behind a desk. She was tiny, maybe 5’2” though probably 5’5” with the tall heels she had on, and a bright, unnaturally white smile.
“Hello there!” She exclaimed cheerily. “You must be Mr. Diaz. I’m Camila Martinez, we spoke on the phone.”
Eddie nodded his head and extended his hand to shake hers, smiling through his nerves.
“Nice to meet you, miss,” he said politely, trying to surreptitiously glance around the room. There was a desk that had a few sheets of paper and a laptop on it, but not much else in this room. A small hallway led away from the front entrance, but he couldn’t see anything beyond that.
He couldn’t help but notice Camila give him a very obvious up and down, her eyes lighting up as she finished her initial assessment. Jeez, could he feel more like a piece of meat? It’s kind of what you signed up for, he told himself grumpily. You and your big damn ego thought you could be a model.
“So, um, what do these shoots entail? Nudity, I assume, based on the advertisement.” Might as well get right to the point, no use beating around the bush.
Camila nodded, turning to her desk to fish out a packet of papers that was stapled together. “Oh yes. First, please sign this NDA before we discuss any further details about your future employment Mr. Diaz. We offer a very specific type of content to our audience and confidentiality is paramount for them, our company, and of course for you as well.”
An NDA? What, was he auditioning to model for NASA?! He stared at the packet in his hands. What if this was some legalese trapping him into an insane human trafficking ring?
Camila noticed his hesitation. Her smile softened and she clasped her hands together genially in front of her body. “Please, take all the time you need to review the document. You can even take it home if you have a lawyer on retainer to go through it more thoroughly. We understand what legal paperwork is like. Of course, then we would have to reschedule and we were really hoping to get you at least into the room with our other hired model. But it is fully up to you, Mr. Diaz.”
Fuck. He scanned the words quickly, but it all seemed pretty run of the mill. It certainly wasn’t as complicated as some of the paperwork he had to sign in the Army, and those papers were actual traps of indentured servitude. Mostly this was just about discretion and confidentiality, and how the hiring company Wixam Productions would have the right to pursue legal action (aka a lawsuit) if such agreements were reneged upon after signing.
Eddie figured he was never going to tell another soul about this one way or the other, so he signed with a pen that Camila offered him eagerly, and handed the papers back to her. As soon as she had them back in her hands, she cleared her throat and looked directly into his face.
“Mr. Diaz, I will blunt so you have the opportunity to leave or continue on at your earliest convenience. Wixam Productions is a pornography studio, and we produce porn with our male models.”
Eddie felt like he’d been punched. But Camila didn’t even pause, she steam rolled ahead in her extremely business like fashion.
“Our advertisement was designed specifically looking for good looking men who don’t mind being naked in a room with other men. But more than that we were hunting for straight men who have never done porn before but might be open to it. And even further, we are hiring straight men who have never had gay experiences - but might be open to it. Are you one of those men, Mr. Diaz?” Her face was still bright, and now looked increasingly hopeful.
The world was spinning. Surely this room, at the very least, was tilting around him and making him dizzy. It felt like all the blood rushed down to his feet and then back to his head in mere seconds, and his extremities felt freezing cold and then boiling hot. He’s so sure his cheeks were flushed pink, a horrible tell of his emotions that he could never hide.
“I’m - I’m sorry?” His voice was a squeak. “I’m auditioning to do porn?”
Camila raised her hands placatingly. “Don’t worry, we will guide you through every step. This is, after all, the experience we are paying you for. The average straight male porn actor would make make $300 or $500 for a scene with a woman - but we are paying top dollar for authenticity. We vet every actor and model we hire, across all of our productions, with background checks and health exams. We take our work very seriously Mr. Diaz. You would be in the best hands. And as stated before, we negotiate short contracts so you can see how you enjoy working here. In the future, if you’re comfortable, we can discuss a raise - with the knowledge that your work would become more… involved.”
She was far, far too chipper. Eddie had the feeling of vertigo and curled his toes inside his shoes as if to grip into the earth to keep his balance. Sheer will power kept him from swaying. It was a shock to his system, naturally, but what was more of a shock was that he wasn’t saying no. Well say no, idiot, he told himself. But he was frozen. What did his face even look like right now? What was the expression? He couldn’t tell what he was telegraphing, and Camila only seemed to project earnestness in her pitch, clearly very passionate about her line of work.
She reached out to grab his hand warmly. “Mr. Diaz I believe you are exactly what we are looking for. I know it sounds - scary, but I think if you go and meet our other model, you’ll feel better. At the very least you’ll have your answer. We’ve worked with him before and he’s truly gifted at putting other people at ease. You’ll know what’s right for you after you talk with him, I’m sure of it.”
She sounded so sure. And the money sounded so good. He could still say no, after all. It wasn’t like he signed a contract, just an NDA (and he was right earlier, he would take this secret to the grave) so he could still back out after meeting this other…model. The world stopped swaying. It actually had stilled when Camila grabbed his hand, grounding him. The blood was no longer rushing around his body in a panic and he felt calmer, more in control. He’d handled worse than this in combat. He’d done worse things, by far. So he looked Camila in her eyes and nodded.
“Ok. I will.”
She beamed.
“Follow me Mr. Diaz, I will introduce you to Mr. Buckley - your potential scene partner.”
—
There was an eerie feeling of being led to the gallows as Eddie followed Camila down the narrow hallway. She was telling him a little bit of history about the company, how small it was, how that left room for bigger profit margins and allowed them to pay their actors better than most other porn studios. Apparently there was a real issue in the industry with unfair wages, and Camila was happy to educate him all about it. Eddie’s cheeks were on fire. It wasn’t like he was homophobic or anything (despite the Catholic church’s best attempts - and the Army’s, for that matter) but he never imagined himself in this situation, about to walk into a room and meet a man who he might - Eddie’s brain stuttered. Might do what? Kiss? Jerk off? Have sex with? Was he really considering this?
“We’ve worked with Mr. Buckley on a few other shoots,” Camila interrupted his thoughts, “and he’s - well, he’s just so talented! He has this way about him - he really puts people at ease. But he’s also a star in front of the camera, he photographs beautifully. I think you guys will look really good together.”
The way she gushed, Eddie had no choice but to believe her.
Before he knew it, Camila was ushering him into a room with a smile. Inside were two men talking casually, one sprawled on a couch with his phone in his hands and the other one leaning against a wall with his arms crossed. They both looked up when the door opened, and Eddie felt panic stampede through his body.
“Mr. Diaz, this is Mike Weir, our main director. He’ll be observing your chemistry test and he’ll be in charge of all of your shoots if you decide to join us here.” She gestured to the man leaning against the wall. Eddie’s eyes flicked to him - he was shorter guy, with salt and pepper hair and a fuzzy mustache. He didn’t look like a pervert, but he kind of had to be to be in this industry, right?
Mike stood up straighter, though he kept his arms crossed, almost hugging his elbows closer together as his gaze focused with laser like intensity on Eddie. He gave him an even more intense once over, eyes roving up and down his body like Camila had in the front room, only Eddie felt much more catalogued by Mike’s judgment. Finally he nodded his head in approval and smiled tightly.
“Nice to meet you Mr. Diaz,” he said, smiling (smirking? Eddie couldn’t tell, maybe it was his own imagination, his own insecurities.)
Eddie nodded to return the greeting, but Camila gripped his arm and swiveled him to face the couch. She was beaming again.
“And this is Evan Buckley, one of our models.”
She really didn’t need to clarify who was the director and who was the model, he thought in retrospect. Eddie would have been able to tell regardless of the introductions. Evan Buckley was a lanky guy with arms that bulged out of his tight t-shirt and bright blue eyes. His lips were pink, like cherry slushie pink, and curved into an enormously bright smile. He immediately put his phone down and swung his legs down to pivot upright, practically bounding off the couch like a big friendly dog. Eddie felt his mouth go dry.
“Hey man!” Evan Buckley crowed, extending a hand. “It’s nice to meet you. You can call me Buck, I don’t really respond to Evan.”
His voice was a lilting rasp (how that was even possible, Eddie couldn’t understand) and it sent a shiver down his spine. In a daze, he reached out to complete the handshake and surely, surely he was imagining the tiny jolt that raced up his arm. It was only the nerves, he told himself, calming his racing heart. It was like static electricity zinging in his body, nerves singing. Trying to return to his sense, Eddie took a moment to study the other man. He could admit that Buck was a handsome guy. Cheeky smile, good bone structure, and a fit body. Eddie noticed the little pinkish, reddish smudge along his eyebrow, a birth mark he supposed. It gave him an even more boyish appearance, a certain charm.
“I’m Eddie,” he managed to say, forcing his voice to be normal. It was weird, the way it actually didn’t feel that weird. The shock of the reveal of the nature of this job had sent him reeling and even the walk to this room, the anticipation of meeting “Mr. Buckley” had been more nerve wracking than the actual moment. Because Buck was - just a guy. He seemed friendly and normal, not licking his lips like he was looking at a piece of meat - he didn’t even do that up-and-down once over that both Camila and Mike had given Eddie upon meeting. He was just meeting Eddie’s eyes warmly, with a big smile and a firm handshake.
“They look good together,” Eddie heard Mike remark casually behind them. “Nice contrast, a little bit of height difference. He looks pretty masculine, nice catch Cam.”
“I know,” Camila sighed happily. “As soon as I saw him I knew they’d complement each other. And he’s genuine - I’m pretty sure. No experience.”
Eddie hadn’t let go of Buck’s hand yet, quirking his brows quizzically at the other man. “Are they talking about us?”
Buck ducked his head, almost shy Eddie realized in alarm. He couldn’t imagine a porn star being shy but somehow Buck pulled it off. Buck squeezed their hands together tightly once more and let go, smiling sheepishly. “Afraid so. It’s not so bad, I was scared shitless my first couple of shoots, but it’s a great job. Once you move past the - uh - controversial nature, it’s actually pretty fun!”
It was like he was describing a carnival ride. Not gay pornography.
“So is this like, your full time job?” Eddie asked hesitantly, trying to ignore Camila and Mike’s quiet conversation in the back of the room.
“No, oh no. I mean it pays well but not that well, you know. I had some lean times after I transitioned out of living with roommates and just needed something to get me by.”
Eddie nodded in understanding. “That’s kind of my situation too. I just moved out here from Texas and I love it, don’t get me wrong, but the cost of living…”
“Oh yeah, it’s brutal.” Buck agreed empathetically. “I started out doing solo shoots, just one scene here or there but then started picking up more partner scenes. I had a lot of female partners at first, but the pay is much better for male/male scenes.” He sounded so casual about it. Just like discussing the weather.
“So you’re…straight?” Eddie asked in confusion. Maybe Buck was just like him, kind of roped into this for the ‘authenticity’ or whatever Camila had said. He wasn’t sure if that was a comforting thought or not. Buck clearly had experience in this avenue, straight or not so Eddie felt this intense urge to cling to him for guidance.
Buck giggled — giggled, like a big kid — and crinkled up his nose as if the idea was ludicrous. “Uhhh not exactly. I’m bisexual,” he explained with a shrug. “So I’ll kind of be your, um, your guide through the process. Through the scenes.”
Eddie’s cheeks were already red, so he’s not sure how much more he could redden, but even the tips of his ears felt hot as he imagined what Buck would be doing guiding him through the process. To Buck’s credit, his face stayed very neutral, open, and non judgmental. This wasn’t his first rodeo, Eddie assumed, interviewing a potential straight scene partner for a gay porno.
“That’s kind of the point,” Buck continued to explain. “People seem to really love watching straight men get, errrr involved with other men. You know, gay for pay?”
There was a soft roaring in Eddie’s ears, like trying to listen to the ocean in a conch shell. Was that what he was? Gay for pay?
“I get to play the seductive, slutty twink,” Buck laughed, like it would be some great honor to play that part for Eddie. His eyes were shining, liquid blue, looking strangely fond and familiar. “And you get to just be - you. You can react however feels natural to you. You can pretend I’m a woman, or take the time to explore something you never have before. No judgment, no hard feelings. I’m here to be your friend and ally, I promise. And if you open yourself up to that, I swear I will make this a good experience for you.”
His earnestness was palpable, and Eddie distantly thought that Camila was right, Buck had a gift for putting people at ease. He doesn’t even understand why he felt drawn to him, like he can trust him implicitly just within five minutes of meeting him. Genuine kindness poured out of him, all soft body language and understanding eyes. Eddie wasn’t usually left at a loss for words. He knew himself, he knew what he wanted, and he knew what to say most of the time. The ‘thanks, but no thanks’ should be on the tip of his tongue but for some reason looking at his potential coworker, feeling the weight of Camila and Mike’s gazes on his back, he didn’t want to say no. He - he trusted Buck’s word. He inherently knew that if he agreed to this, agreed to shoot with Buck that Buck would be sweet and kind to him, that he’d make him laugh and feel at ease even through the initial nerves. It was just sex, Eddie told himself. Better than a one night stand, sex with benefits in a safe and clean environment. And a preinstalled audience who would get to eagerly pay to watch him have gay sex for the first time, the thought bubbled up unbidden, fear clutching around his throat. He wanted to scrap for control, feeling like this was all just happening too fast. Maybe this just needed more discussion, more parameters before he agreed or disagreed. Some touching, some kissing he could do - he could easily imagine that with Buck. Eddie licked his lips, wetting them nervously as he pictured pressing their mouths together. Maybe he could negotiate the contract for the shoots to be a little more tame, not like full on sex. He could work with that. It was a lot of money, and honestly (his mind flashed to dirt, blood, and the sound of his friends screaming in pain) he’d done worse for a paycheck.
He nodded, almost to himself, while staring at Buck for a moment before forcing himself to turn and address Camila and Mike.
“Can we talk details?” He asked, his voice braver and more sure than he felt.
—
“The first shoot will be a solo,” Camila promised. She had disappeared into the front office for a moment and returned with different paperwork and red pen to make changes to the contract. “That was planned anyway, as an introduction to your ‘character.’ Mr. Buckley will probably be in the room; it’s helpful to have the scene partners on set for the chemistry and to - to set the mood.”
Mike was nodding sagely over their shoulders, fingers braced thoughtfully on his scruffy jaw. Buck had returned to the couch and his phone, clearly not involved in this part of negotiations. Eddie wished he was, so he could cling to him and his calming presence. But these were his boundaries he was setting, no one could do it for him.
“Our road map has the second shoot as a mutual masturbation scene, hopefully with some kissing and touching involved. Third would be a blow job scene, although who receives and who gives is very much up to you two,” Camila furrowed her brow at the contract, her manicured finger following one line carefully. “Fourth would probably be a rimming and fingering scene, to climax of course - we would prefer Mr. Buckley be on the receiving end of that, although you are certainly welcome to volunteer yourself Mr. Diaz.”
Wait. This was quickly slipping out of his control again. Rimming? He only vaguely knew what that was. His brain had skipped over the image of a blow job scene with Buck, but it reversed to it quickly while he was still trying to keep up with Camila’s contact talk. Buck on his knees, smiling big with his lips shiny and red and then stretched wide around— his stomach clenched, heat unexpectedly billowing through his core.
“Final shoot would be an anal sex scene with Mr. Buckley on the receiving end. That is not negotiable for this phase, Mr. Diaz,” she stared seriously at him, almost reprimanding him as though he was on the verge of complaining about the roles. “It is the climax and closure for your character’s arc.”
This was not going how he planned, Eddie thought desperately, feeling far too hot and uncomfortably interested in what that final shoot would be like.
“Stop stop stop,” he begged, holding up a hand. “So within five scenes I’m going to—“
“Fuck Buck,” Mike interrupted, enunciating the hard ‘K’ sounds in each word. “Yes. That’s the plan at least. A slow but steady escalation of sexual activity between the two of you until it reaches the natural climax of a full, anal penetration scene. Seems pretty straight forward, no?”
Eddie glanced desperately at Buck, who met his gaze with a sympathetic pout but said nothing in his defense, just seemed as even keeled as he had been this whole time.
“It just seems fast, the escalation,” Eddie tried, “shouldn’t we slow it down?”
“We know our audience Mr. Diaz,” Camila said calmly. “We are happy to work with you on any intimacy concerns, but this is the offer we are willing to give you. If you want to audition for a different type of shoot that’s fine, but we didn’t introduce you to Mr. Buckley for you to not work with him. These are the shoots we are hiring for, and I believe you are perfect for the role.” Her compliments felt like daggers doused in perfume. Eddie had no idea how to feel about them.
Eddie paused. Maybe he should just pull the plug, walk away. This was too much - he should have backed out the moment he found out it was porn, especially gay porn. He’d find another way to keep their house, just had to scrape by enough to get through academy then he’d be fine.
“Eddie,” Buck called softly. Eddie looked at him. “It’s just sex. It’s okay to say yes. I won’t be weird if you promise not to be weird,” his smile was kind, friendly. “And it’s just a job. Say yes.”
He couldn’t explain why, but Buck softly compelling him to ‘say yes’ sent fireball-like energy shooting through his veins, flames licking along his nervous system and sending a freezing hot shiver down his spine.
“Where do these videos get posted?” Eddie asked, tearing his gaze away from Buck’s gentle encouragement. His fight or flight was activated to the extreme, but he was grasping at straws. He felt like he was falling into a trap, or maybe he had walked himself into one on purpose. Maybe he was doing this for another reason, not just the money. Eddie steered his mind away from that traitorous thought.
Camila spread the contract out neatly on a little table in the corner, and gestured for him to take a seat. To sign.
“On our private website, behind a paywall,” she answered easily. She brushed a piece of her dark hair from her face. “If you are worried about privacy, that’s very reasonable but we haven’t had many problems with that. Mr. Buckley actually has a day job in the public sector and has been featured in many of our videos, and he has yet to be recognized by the public. As I stated when I had you sign that NDA, we take confidentiality very seriously. It has actually turned some of our models away, that we don’t share our videos on more public platforms or for a more general audience. Some people try to find fame in our content, but that’s not our purpose.”
“Mike’s got an artistic touch,” Buck chimed in. “You won’t even recognize yourself on film. You’ll melt into the ‘character’ you’ll become.”
Eddie’s heart was thundering in his chest. The dull roar was back in his ears. But he took a deep, even breath and finally nodded to himself.
“Okay. I guess that answers my questions.”
He leaned down over the table, and signed.
—
Camila had sent him a text that night, thanking him for his time and sending her email address so they could coordinate schedules and get his health screens done. She also sent Eddie Buck’s number, citing “getting to know each other” and scheduling, of course.
After getting the health screens scheduled and completed, he pushed it from his mind for a while, focusing on Christopher and the academy. The shoots were a nebulous ‘someday’ in the future for now, and if he wasted time worrying about it, the fear and nerves would only grow and it was too late for that. He had committed. He was going to do this whether he was ready for it or not. There was a determined feeling that sat in his chest, a bullish stubbornness that his parents had always chided him for having. It was that same stubbornness (though applied different, Eddie supposed) that helped him drag his team in Afghanistan to safety, unable to leave any of them behind, even Greggs.
He hadn’t contacted Buck yet. He was a little afraid too, just because he wasn’t sure what kind of pull Buck had on him but it felt dangerous. After all, he was trusting Buck to lead him through this fire safely and onto the other side based on a ten minute interaction they had during an ‘audition.’ Still, every night after crawling into his bed, his thoughts crept to Buck. Eddie didn’t exactly avoid thinking about him, rationalizing that if they were going to be intimate together it was good practice to start picturing it.
All he could picture was Buck’s face in soft repose, looking content with his lips relaxed and parted gently. He can imagine sunlight shifting through blinds, Buck’s light eyelashes swept downwards as he huffed out a sound of pleasure and Eddie felt goosebumps erupt along his skin. God, he wasn’t even imagining anything pornographic yet and Buck was under his skin. It almost felt like a …crush. Wires were getting crossed in his brain and in his body - he recognized that he was going to have sex this person and his brain was trying to be helpful, trying to supply him with fantasies, fixating, obsessing.
Eddie turned over in bed, feeling restless. His phone mocked him from his side table, screen side down. He contemplated jerking off, just to exhaust his over active mind and put the sexual tension to rest. He groaned and sat up in bed, grabbing his phone and unlocking it. He could watch some porn.
He stared at his home screen. And sighed, opening his text messages.
9:48pm
Hey Buck, this is Eddie Diaz. Camila gave me your number, I hope that’s ok? Lmk.
He sent it before he could stop himself, and rubbed a hand over his face. It was fine, it was a normal text to send. Before he could even roll back over in bed to bury his face in his pillow and not think about it until morning, his phone was ringing.
Buck was calling him.
“Um, hello?” He answered, stupidly.
”Hey Eddie! Sorry I know its kind of late, but I figured you were up since you just sent me a text. How are you doing?” Buck sounded as chipper at nearly 10pm at night as Eddie guessed he would sound at 10am in the morning.
“Yeah it’s fine, just wrapping up for the night. I’m good? How…are you?” He wasn’t expecting to talk to Buck tonight, he just wanted to open the lines of communication. He had put it off for too long and it was messing with his mind, making it a bigger deal than it really was. Like Buck had told him in the audition, it was just a job. And Buck was just a coworker.
”Had a hard shift at work the other day, but I’ve had a day to recover so I’m alright now. Some days are just shitty, you know? I’m glad to be able to get my mind off of it.”
Okay, so Buck did shift work. Eddie could relate - once he graduated and started with the LAFD he would have a similar schedule. That’s probably why Camila had insisted on giving him Buck’s number, because shift work could be a real pain to schedule around. At least with the academy and with Christopher in school, Eddie had a pretty set routine for now (all the reason to get this done as soon as possible.)
”It was so nice to get your text, I wasn’t sure if I’d get to talk to you before we shot together. Camila wouldn’t say anything about it, so I didn’t know if she wanted us to stay apart for like a tension thing or whatever,” Buck continued.
Eddie suddenly felt guilty for not reaching out sooner. Buck was clearly a good guy, he had known that from the start. And Eddie was essentially his new partner - he knew that if he’d been partnered up with someone on a fire drill or something and if they stone walled him and didn’t talk to him, it would definitely make him anxious about their ability to work together.
“Oh yeah, I’m sorry. I just wanted to get all my testing and background check stuff done first, you know. Still waiting on results before we can shoot, but I wanted to get to know you a little. Maybe ask you for some - tips.” Eddie took a shaky breath.
He swore he could hear Buck smile through the phone. ”What do you want to know?”
—
It was a Thursday at noon, and Eddie was preparing to shoot his first scene for Wixam. His background check and health screens had all come back clean and normal, and they’d scheduled the shoot as quickly at they could. He almost didn’t have time to feel nervous. Almost.
“We have anything you need Mr. Diaz. If you need some material to help get you in the right headspace we absolutely can provide that,” Camila swept her hand out to a short folding table that had neat little baskets filled with neat little piles of magazines featuring naked women (he’s pretty sure.) Once again Eddie is truly amazed at how casual yet professional Camila can be while talking about offering him porn to help him get hard for his masturbation scene on camera.
“We also have pills for any erectile malfunctions, and booze for courage,” Mike called out from behind his camera. He was fiddling with some settings, frowning at the set and then moving to adjust a few of the lights.
Eddie felt overwhelmed. But Buck walked around the corner, hands jammed into the pockets of his ludicrously tight jeans. He grinned playfully.
“And I’m here! For moral support.”
“Helpful,” Eddie murmured, only slightly sarcastically. Buck bumped his shoulder jovially.
“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” Buck responded, probably trying for joking, but Eddie felt the thread of heat, the flirtatious tone that overtook his voice. Buck must have realized how it sounded too, because he cleared his throat and jerked his head over to the “helpful” table of gizmos and gadgets to get one horny. “Want to take a shot together? Get those nerves to calm down a little?”
There’s tequila and shot glasses on the table, along with a little pill bottle neatly labeled as “Viagra” all alongside those magazines in baskets, women on their covers looking back at them salaciously. Buck hid his giggle, and reached for the tequila.
“Just two shots, and maybe a beer if I can get one of those,” Eddie told him firmly, unwilling to get totally blasted on this shoot. He was nervous enough he didn’t want to make a total ass of himself by getting drunk and saying something stupid.
“Oh, light weight hmm?” Buck teased, obediently pouring four shots - two for each of them.
“No, I actually don’t want to get black out drunk Buck,” Eddie corrected, reaching for his first shot. “But getting a little buzzed makes me — um, it helps me—“ he was suddenly stuttering, unsure of how to put it.
"Gets you a little horny?” Buck asked knowingly, picking up his own shot. He lifted it triumphantly and threw it back, throat moving smoothly as he swallowed the liquor down. Eddie did not stare at the long line of his throat, how his Adam’s apple bobbed. Instead he took his own shot quickly, happy to get some alcohol in his system.
“Yeah.”
He met Buck’s eyes evenly and reached for the second shot. Buck smiled softly, matching him. They took their second shots together and then Buck looked around the room.
“Let me find you a beer, and then Mike will probably want to get started.” His face was serious as he grasped Eddie’s shoulder. “You got this man. I’ll be right there for you, hyping you up.” As always, Eddie found himself just believing Buck. Somehow, someway, even though Buck was part of the reason that all this carried so much weight and anxiety, and yet Buck was the one soothing him through this process, telling him it was going to be okay, sitting in the studio to support and guide him. He watched Buck disappear again, and Mike walked over.
“Ok, we’re all set up. Once you’re comfortable I need you to go to your mark,” Mike pointed to a subtle X on the floor made of masking tape, “and face the camera. I want you to undress, slowly, like you know how good you look.”
Eddie nodded. Buck had prepared him for some this, through their phone calls and text messages. Once the flood gates were open, once Eddie understood that Buck was being serious about helping him and being open to whatever questions he had, Eddie had peppered him about Buck’s early experience and how to approach shoot days without feeling nauseated.
(“How do you not feel embarrassed?” Eddie groaned, sitting at the edge of his bed.
”You just get used to it. I don’t know, everything abnormal feels normal if you do it enough. Hey can I give you some advice?”
“Yeah of course, you are the sensei, I am but the student.”
Buck’s laugh was throaty and a little hoarse through the phone. He sounded tired tonight.
”You need to practice,” Buck said. ”Like, practice in front of the mirror. Get comfortable, get turned on, watch yourself in the mirror and really practice performing. It will help a ton on the day, especially that first day when it’s solo. Honestly, I think solo is the most intimidating. It seems simple but then all the pressure is just on you to perform. At least in the later shoots we can play off each other, react to each other and go with the flow. I think it’s way easier and,” Eddie could hear the suggestive grin in his voice, ”it’s way more fun that way too.”
It had only taken a few phone calls for Eddie to adjust to Buck’s flirtatious nature, so he didn’t react much except to roll his eyes and huff out a low chuckle. But he took that advice to heart, promising Buck that he’d practice so he didn’t embarrass him. After all, Buck had a reputation in the industry to uphold, apparently. Eddie hadn’t touched any of those search key words, despite Camila encouraging him to do some ‘research’ on his scene partner.
So, even though it felt a little dumb at first, after hanging up with Buck, Eddie practiced. And practiced. And kept practicing until it didn’t feel stupid or wooden to undress and touch himself under his own scrutiny.)
“I’ll have the wide shot set up but I might move around you with a smaller camera for close ups. Just - ignore me. I might tell you to slow down, or turn a certain way but otherwise just follow your instincts. Oh and I know Buck will be in the room so if you want he can help with the bigger picture. He thinks he’s an amateur director now,” Mike rolled his eyes, hands on his hips.
“Sure,” Eddie said, even though he had no idea what Mike meant by Buck helping with the bigger picture. What, just Buck behind the camera throwing him thumbs ups and encouraging smiles? Telling him, ’You’re doing amazing, sweetie!’ ?
“Found some!”
Saved by the Buck. He had a few beer bottles in his hand and Camila was trailing just behind him at his elbow, holding a clipboard.
“I need you to be not totally inebriated, Mr. Diaz,” she said frowning. “I mean, of course we’re happy to provide the drinks to help loosen you up but strictly speaking, professionally—“
“I’m not going to get him inebriated, Cam,” Buck interrupted, handing Eddie a beer. “Don’t worry. He’s not going to have limp dick syndrome, I will make sure of that.”
“Oh you will, will you?” Camila’s face was half amused, half concerned. Buck looked smug.
Oh you will? Eddie repeated in his head — whatever Buck meant by that. He popped the top of his bottle and took a swig, turning to address Camila. “It’s okay,” he told her soothingly. “Buck actually gave me some pointers, some tips. I feel prepared. The booze is just to conquer the initial performance anxiety. I am in control of my faculties.”
Camila shrugged her shoulders, making a note on whatever list was on her clipboard. “Keep it that way,” she warned. “Okay I am leaving the studio, you have two hours and we will wrap the shoot.”
She waved and slipped away.
Two hours? Two hours seemed both like an eternity of time and not very much time at all. Eddie felt the anxiety rise a little, despite himself, and methodically drained the rest of his beer. When he refocused on the room around him, he found Buck watching him carefully.
“One more shot?” Buck offered, a slow smile spreading on his face.
Eddie smiled back. “One more.”
—
Eddie felt comfortably warm and just a little buzzed. Buck was chatting to him, close in his ear, telling him some story about one of his coworkers and her wife, and the little puffs of air from his intermittent laughter hitting his cheek and neck were making the hairs stand up on Eddie’s arms. His skin was starting to feel oversensitive, and a curl of heat was beginning to form in his belly. Buck’s voice seemed to slide right through him, reverberating through his body and as Buck finished his story and drew back to meet Eddie’s eyes, Eddie felt a swell of confidence take over. Buck was searching his face, looking for - maybe approval, maybe affection, but his eager, pleasing attitude made Eddie feel like he could take over the world. Or at least, take over the shoot.
“Hey Mike,” he called over his shoulder, before he could lose his nerve. “I think I’m ready.”
Buck’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Can I—“ he said, seemingly almost before he could stop himself. “Can I stay in the studio?”
Eddie shrugged. “Yeah, if you want. Mike told me you liked to help direct sometimes.” To his surprise, Buck blushed, ducking his head. “I don’t mind. I’m sure you will be helpful and totally not a goofy distraction.”
Buck put two fingers up to his brow in a salute. “Scout’s honor. I will only be helpful.”
Eddie made his way to his mark in front of the camera, and Mike fussed with his camera. He gave Eddie a silent thumbs up to let him know he was rolling, and Eddie took a breath, licking his lips to make them wet. He closed his eyes and pictured what he looked like in his bedroom mirror while he had been practicing over the last couple of weeks. He took his left hand and grabbed the hem of his shirt, pulling it up to expose his stomach, his right hand coming down to run his fingers along the gentle ridges of his abs. It’s not like he was a body builder, but years in the army and then in the fire academy had given him a better than decent body, he had to admit to himself. The light touch along his stomach made him quiver despite himself and he let his eyes flutter up, looking up at the ceiling. The boom mic stared down at him and he nearly giggled at the sight, curtailing his nervous chuckle into what he hoped was a sensual smirk. He took his t-shirt hem into both hands and pulled it off over his head, tossing the piece of clothing to the side. He ran a hand along the side of his neck, sliding it to collar his throat and then slowly drew it down his neck and chest. His fingers bumped over his left nipple and he groaned, heat building now, his cock taking interest and beginning to thicken in his pants.
“Wow,” Eddie heard Buck say in the background. He flicked his eyes behind the camera to meet his eyes, expecting a cheeky grin and a silly exaggerated wink from the other man. But Buck just met his gaze steadily, blowing a breath out from his pink lips, looking - interested. The heat flared intensely, beginning a smoldering fire that spread from his center out along his limbs.
Buck bit his lip, and Eddie had to look away, feeling dizzy.
“Eddie, turn to the right,” Mike said softly, and Eddie could feel him adjusting the lighting frantically to cast a more dramatic shadow on him. He obeyed, and let his hands fall to his pants button. Mike moved on from the lighting, apparently satisfied and grabbed his handheld camera, encroaching closer as Eddie popped his first button open.
He didn’t panic. He focused on the feeling that was rising inside his body, the way the pressure was building in groin as his pants felt tighter and tighter. The button fly jeans were a good idea, he thought to himself as he drew out the process of unbuttoning each one. He hooked his thumbs into the waist band of his jeans and shimmied them off, exposing his compression boxer briefs which felt like a second skin at this point.
He didn’t imagine the soft groan that came from Buck’s corner of the room. Eddie wasn’t brave enough to look over, but let his hands roam over his thighs and drag along the bulge in his underwear. His cock throbbed insistently, and his pulse was beginning to sound like a drumbeat in his own mind, beating a steady beat as excitement surged through his veins. He rubbed along his covered cock, up and down, letting himself groan in response.
“Fuck, Eddie,” Buck whimpered. Eddie’s heart started to hammer. He knew Buck’s voice would’t pick up on the boom, but he could hear it. And every time he spoke, it sent jolts of lightning through his body. He gripped himself roughly and drew up his courage to look over again. Buck had found a seat on a small couch and one hand was gripping the arm of the couch roughly. His face was open and yearning and looked desperate and the rush that flooded Eddie’s head almost made him light headed. He drew his thumb across the head of his cock, feeling a wet spot begin to spread on his briefs as pre-cum lubricated the way.
Buck seemed to notice Eddie noticing him, and leaned forward in concentrated. “You look so good,” he crooned from the sidelines, feeling encouraged. Like he knew he was - he was turning Eddie on. “You’re so hot.”
Eddie panted, letting his head fall back and expose the long line of his throat. He decided it was time, and moved his fingers to the elastic of his briefs, pulling them down and off in one smooth motion. No time to be embarrassed about being naked in front of Mike and Buck, he just immediately put his hand on his erection and squeezed. The moan that spilled out of him was, well, it was downright pornographic. He could hear a responding whimper from Buck, he could imagine feeling his breaths panting on his skin and suddenly every nerve was alight with fire as he imagined Buck’s hands on him instead of his own. He had a vague sensation of Mike floating around him with a camera, but he was too engrossed to think about him. His stomach flexed as he began to stroke with earnest, letting his breaths get heavy and loud. He was performing after all.
“C’mon Eds, show off,” Buck’s soft voice cut through the haze in his mind. God, that guy could not shut up, not once he knew what it was doing Eddie. Eddie didn’t even have the wherewithal to feel embarrassed that Buck was helping him get off. It felt too good, too good to have Buck’s lusty gaze on him, his filthy voice encouraging him and telling him how fucking hot he looked. It fed some sort of monster inside of Eddie that craved attention, that wanted that validation and he did want to show off for Buck.
His forearm flexed and he opened his eyes slowly, leveling his half-lidded stare with Buck. His cock felt hot and hard in his hand, leaking pre-cum and making each stroke wetter and slicker. He increased his speed and whined to himself unable to break eye contact as his pleasure spiked higher and higher.
It was easy to stare at Buck and imagine the future scenes they’d shoot together soon. It was easy because Buck was staring back with an intense look of want and longing, his lips shining wet and parted. Eddie can imagine Buck on his knees, looking up at him with that same sort of look, whimpering with desperation and clutching at Eddie’s thighs as he begged for his cock.
“Please,” Buck whimpered distantly.
His stomach dropped and his heart squeezed in his chest. Feeding Buck his cock through parted lips, fucking his mouth until he came, Buck groaning and wrapping his strong arms around Eddie’s legs as he opened up his throat to let Eddie cum down his throat. The fantasy felt so real that he almost didn’t realize he was cumming until his cock was jerking his hand and his hips were stuttering up into his fist. The wash of pleasure poured over his body from head to toe and the world went white for one minute while he moaned, finally squeezing his eyes shut and breaking his connection with Buck. He swallowed roughly as cum spilled out from his fist and ran down along his closed hand. He let go shakily and sighed, trying to unclench his body from the gut-punch that his orgasm had left him in.
“Pause,” Mike commanded, and oh yeah, he was being filmed. Eddie panted, finally managing to catch his breath as Mike zoomed in on his cum-covered hand, sticky liquid dripping lewdly onto the floor from his fingertips. Eddie resisted cringing - he had never been into cum play. Shannon had certainly never been into it, demanded clean up immediately once their intercourse was over. For her, it was like the mood was broken as soon as they both got their rocks off, and it was back to normal. Here, Mike clearly wanted to draw out the mood. Or maybe it was for editing purposes, Eddie wasn’t sure.
Finally Mike backed off, nodding at Eddie and staring intently at his camera. “Ok, got it. You’re all done.”
A slow clap started from the back of the room. Eddie jerked his head up and stared blankly at Buck who was both bright red and also smiling like a cat who got the cream. He looked utterly delighted and not ashamed or embarrassed one bit, despite the blush spread over his entire face.
Mike tossed him a towel from the sidelines, since it was sinking in how awkward it was to be totally naked, dripping cum, in the room with two other fully clothed men. Eddie grabbed it and covered himself up modestly, ducking his head shyly.
“I have terrible news,” Buck crowed, approaching slowly. “You are a natural, I fear.” His smile was wide and knowing and it made Eddie’s stomach do flips.
“Flatterer,” Eddie murmured, attempting to deflect and feeling exposed and raw in the face of Buck’s attention.
“Hey, get cleaned up. I’ll take you to lunch, yeah?” The implied you’ve got to be starving was left unsaid, gratefully.
Eddie hesitating, unsure if he really wanted to hang out with Buck after doing…that. But he still had a few hours before he had to pick up Chris, and as he learned through getting to know Buck it was better to just bulldoze through the bullshit and pretense to avoid things getting awkward. He rolled his eyes and nodded genially.
“Yeah, ok. You’re paying though!”
“Oh absolutely,” Buck said gravely, eyes sparkling. “After that performance? You deserve it.”
Bastard.
—
Buck insisted he knew a great vegan place around the corner, though Eddie thought “great” and “vegan” really didn’t have any business being in the same sentence together. Being from Texas, beef was kind of their religion and to abstain from it for any reason was akin to sacrilegious. But he climbed into Buck’s jeep to please him, and let Buck’s pop-punk playlist wash over him while Buck told him some ridiculous story about his boss’s cooking (who Eddie secretly thought Buck thought of like a dad). Buck was very careful never to reveal exactly what he did for a living, but from what Eddie had gathered it was a tight knit group of six or seven people who all were scheduled on similar shifts. They seemed to get up to some ridiculous hijinks both on and off the job, and Eddie had teased Buck before about not having any friends outside of work. It was soothing to let Buck do all the talking while he tried to process his feelings from the last hour in the studio, feeling like this new venture of his had become a jigsaw puzzle in his life, and he was trying to fit the pieces together to reveal some hidden truth. He didn’t feel too awkward, at least. Just — confused. Mostly about Buck’s role in his ‘performance’ and why Buck’s voice did those things to him. It should have taken him out of his head, should have turned him off, not turned him on. But Eddie was beginning to admit to himself that he was more into this gay for pay thing than he had originally thought.
They pulled up to the restaurant and Buck instructed Eddie to go inside and get a table while he parked. While he was waiting, he took a quick perusal of the menu that the waitress dropped off for him. As Buck slid into the chair across from him, Eddie pointed at the menu and pouted.
“I don’t even know what to order,” he whined. Buck laughed and rolled his eyes.
“Eddie, you have got to expand your diet beyond barbecue and sirloin steaks. Eat a vegetable for once in your life.”
It was funny to hear Buck chide him, like he’d known him all his life. Though Eddie did have to acknowledge he should probably set a better example for Chris in the vegetable department. At this point, really they only added roughage by forcing themselves to have a side salad with each dinner at home. Sometimes he could convince him to eat carrots, but usually only if they were slathered in ranch.
“Well can you tell me what’s good?”
“It’s all good Eddie,” Buck answered, annoyingly haughty.
Eddie kicked at him under the table.
“Ow! Fine. It’s asian fusion - do you like Vietnamese food? Whatever you would usually order there is sure to be on here, they’ll just make it vegan.”
“Or…” Eddie prompted.
Buck sighed. “Or I’ll order for you, you big baby. But that means you have to try everything I order!”
“Deal.”
The waitress returned to take their order, but Eddie barely paid attention while Buck ordered for them and handed her their menus with a charming smile. She disappeared and returned with waters for them, promising their food would out shortly.
“Are we really not going to talk about it?” Eddie asked, once she was gone. The restaurant was tiny, maybe nine tables total and the kitchen was close enough he could hear the staff bustling in there noisily.
Buck paused, playing with his straw’s wrapper. He carefully adjusted it to sit at the end of his straw and then blew through his straw, sending the wrapper flying at Eddie. Eddie swatted at it.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Buck asked, resting his chin in his hand.
“Thirty minutes ago I was naked and masturbating in front of a camera,” Eddie hissed quietly, leaning across the table to get closer to Buck. “I don’t really know how I feel about it.”
“Yep and now you’re eating lunch with me, your co-star.” Buck’s smile was filthy. “And you did very well. Like I said, you’re a natural. I think Mike will be able to make something pretty good out of the footage.”
“What’s the editing process like? Do you have any say or are we just at Mike’s mercy?”
Buck shrugged, drawing little designs in the condensation of his water glass. He just never could be still, he always had to be fiddling, fussing, or talking.
“I don’t know, to be honest. I’ve never tried to mess with it, he just disappears for a few weeks while I do my day job or more shoots and then the video gets posted on the website and I watch it then. Hey, have you watched any of our videos yet?”
Eddie leaned away, way back, into the back of his chair and folded his arms across his chest defensively. “Absolutely not,” he responded, shaking his head. “No. And I will not!”
Buck laughed. “Don’t want spoilers?” He asked conspiratorially, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively like a smug fucking jackass.
Eddie thought about kicking him again.
“You know, when I met you I thought you were a nice guy, but apparently that was just a ploy.”
Buck raised his hands placatingly, though he did not look particularly contrite. “I’m sorry for teasing you. But you know, watching you in there got me - hmmm,” he hummed, apparently searching for the right words. He hesitated, searching Eddie’s face for — something. “Made me feel a certain way,” he finally landed on, lips curving in a smile.
So they weren’t going to talk about it. At least, not right now. They were going to dance around it, and Buck was going to throw him bedroom eyes and make flirty comments and then immediately start talking about why everyone should eat less meat, you know, for the environment. Which is exactly what happened when the waitress returned with their plates of food. Buck quickly became distracted with explaining what each dish was - a plate of spring rolls with a hot and sweet dipping sauce, some fried dough filled with plants (which smelled amazing, Eddie had to admit), fake orange chicken and fake barbecue drumsticks that Eddie eyed disdainfully.
“You’re going to love them,” Buck said confidently, divvying their food between them. “It’s just like the job - try it first, before you make your decision.”
“God, you think you are hilarious,” Eddie grumbled, but the sweet and hot sauce was actually so good and the fake orange chicken had suspiciously decent texture.
Buck beamed at him. “You think so too.”
Eddie couldn’t disagree.
—
They argued over whether or not Eddie actually liked the fake drumsticks the entire drive back to Eddie’s car (the flavor was fine, but the texture wasn’t right and the sugar cane “bone” was creative but fucking weird, Eddie decided.)
“But it wasn’t all bad, right?” Buck prompted, as he pulled up next to Eddie’s car.
Eddie got out, shaking his head. “Goodbye Buck, enjoy being hungry in 30 minutes.”
“Meatless protein is still protein!” Buck yelled after him, but Eddie slammed the door and waved goodbye cheerfully in the face of his righteous indignation.
Buck’s jeep peeled away and he returned to whatever life he had in LA beyond his texts and calls with Eddie, and this weird burgeoning career as a porn star. He had noticed how careful he was in their conversations, how careful both of them were, about what they shared in their conversations about their ‘real lives.’ Eddie never mentioned Christopher, where they lived, or anything about the fire academy. As much as he could keep private, he would, and he had noticed Buck doing the same. He had no idea what area of town Buck lived at, or exactly what he did for work. He knew a couple of his coworkers names simply because it seemed like Buck didn’t have any other friends so most of his stories revolved around them, but they all had silly sounding nicknames that were absolutely not their real names. Honestly, Eddie was impressed with how much time he and Buck had been able to fill talking to each other without ever touching these huge portions of their lives. Granted, they talked about Buck’s experience with Wixam some of that time, how he felt about it, how he got into it, some early mishaps and stories from when he first started. ‘Buck’s Patented Tips and Tricks for the Trade’, Eddie had started calling it, just to tease Buck.
But Buck was also an endless fountain of completely random and unrelated fun facts, usually nature or animal based although he was surprisingly well versed in complex historical figures as well.
(“You say you dropped out of college? How do you know these things, man?”
He could feel Buck’s bashful pride through the phone. “I like podcasts. You know, you’re stuck in traffic in LA and you can just get educated for free on your way to work. It helps make the world make sense to me.”)
Eddie hadn’t really made any friends here in LA since moving from El Paso. Sure, he had buddied up with a couple of people at the academy, but it wasn’t like he was hanging out with them outside of class. And it’s not like he was joining the PTA at Christopher’s school, or meeting other parents. So his friend group was basically limited to the family he had that lived in the area, like his Abuela and Pepa, and some of his cousins. Really, he was living a pretty isolated life, sequestered in his small home with his son and pouring all his energy and effort into becoming a LAFD firefighter and Christopher’s comfort and happiness.
Eddie realized, suddenly, that Buck might be his first real friend in LA. And now he was probably going to fuck that up by fucking him on camera.
—
After a few more exchanged emails with Camila (who continued to be unendingly professional while coordinating their schedules and asking uncomfortable questions like “Do you prefer water based or silicone based lubricant Mr. Diaz?”) they managed to schedule the next shoot for the following Tuesday at 10am. After sending the email to confirm the date and time, Eddie felt his stomach flutter nervously. The next shoot would be Eddie and Buck performing together, both in front of the camera this time. He knew what was planned for the scene, since it was all detailed in an organized list through the emails and the original contract he signed. But knowing and doing were two totally different things. His mind desperately tried to procure images of what it would be like, to prepare himself, but he didn’t even know what Buck looked like naked, so all that came to him was Buck’s big hands touching his neck, his shoulders, his chest. Buck’s mouth encouraging, whispering ‘please’, his lips pressing against Eddie’s own, gentle, plying, wanting.
Eddie’s stomach clenched. He had three and a half days to prepare, essentially. And honestly, he’d be spending the weekend with Christopher, soaking up the time with his son and not thinking about work at all.
His phone pinged.
Just got the email from Cam. See you Tuesday at 9:45!! 💃
Eddie stared at the dancing woman emoji at the end of the text message that Buck just sent, and shook his head wryly. Somehow, someway Buck could sense when Eddie was panicking and yet again managed to find a way to break the tension by just being Buck.
I was told 10am he sent back, absolutely no emoji attached.
There was barely a pause before Buck responded. You gotta get there early, duhhhh.
You just can’t contain your excitement, can you? Eddie wasn’t thinking, he was just teasing Buck for his constant, steady enthusiasm and energy but as soon as he saw the text go through and sit there, sent, did he realize what ‘excitement’ could be misconstrued as.
Buck didn’t respond right away. There was a pause. Then, of course, Eddie’s phone rang.
“You also can’t let anything go, can you?” Eddie said, in lieu of a greeting because he knew what was coming.
”I couldn’t decide between saying ‘I can never control myself around you, Eddie’ and just sending four eggplant emojis.”
“So you called me instead?”
Buck laughed. ”Yeah, I wanted to hear your reaction. Fuck, I should have FaceTimed you. See which one made you blush more,” he bemoaned.
“Okay, shut up. You’re an idiot.” Eddie’s not sure what annoyed him more. That Buck was making him laugh, or that Buck was making him blush.
”Well the reality is I am excited. It’s like a combination of nerves and excitement. Doing partner scenes is always scary and fun, because you don’t know what the chemistry will be like until you’re in that moment. And genuinely,” Eddie can hear the shrug in his voice. ”even if it isn’t there Mike can usually edit something pretty hot. Like you would believe I was super into some of the people I was partnered with before and I was just - not. Just doing a job.”
Eddie found that hard to believe, but to be fair, it’s not like he had seen any of the material.
“I’m not worried about you being unprofessional, Buck,” Eddie assured him, suddenly aware that maybe Buck had some anxiety about their scenes together too. Despite his teasing and flirting, Eddie knew that Buck was extremely accommodating and people pleasing and he would hate to make Eddie uncomfortable in any way that wasn’t fun and consensual.
”Are you worried I won’t be into you?” Buck asked, and if Eddie didn’t know better, he’d say Buck almost sounded shy.
He didn’t know how to respond. Was he worried? Should he be worried? Eddie thought this whole time he was worried that it would be awkward, that having another man’s hands on him and touching him and kissing him would feel uncomfortable and forced. But now…what if Buck wasn’t ‘into him’? Was he worried touching Buck would feel too intimate, or too cold? His heart twisted in his chest, mouth going dry. He wanted Buck to want him, he wanted Buck to sound like he did in the first scene, when he was just behind the cameras watching, making Eddie feel like the most important person in the world. Maybe Buck was just a good actor, a good friend trying to cultivate a chemistry between them that would translate well on camera but Eddie needed him to keep acting like that, hungry and wanting, for this to work.
“I — you said not to make it weird.” Eddie answered helplessly. “I don’t know how to answer that question and not make it weird.”
Gratefully, he heard Buck blow out an amused breath, a sigh of acceptance and understanding.
”That’s fair,” the other man said soothingly. ”Using my own words against me, very sneaky Eddie.” Buck paused, hesitating. ”Hey I have to go, I’ve got a double shift this weekend so I won’t really be around and I’m probably going to crash on Monday so I can be fresh for Tuesday. But I really wouldn’t worry about it Eddie. We’re gonna crush it. And if you’re still worried… watch some of the videos. It’s not gonna kill you, I promise.”
Eddie recognized that Buck was giving him an out, and he took it.
“Alright man, well stay sane on your shifts. Don’t drink too much caffeine,” he chided automatically, recalling a few late night calls where Buck sounded like he was vibrating out of his skin. “I’ll see you Tuesday,” he added, trying to stay casual. Buck told him not to worry. He shouldn’t. In the back of his mind, he wondered how many shoots it would take for him to get over his nerves.
They ended the call.
Eddie stared at the email chain he had with Camila. One of those emails had an employee username and password assigned to him for the private Wixam Production website where they uploaded their videos. Maybe he should watch some of Buck’s videos, just to prepare himself. He opened up an incognito tab (he wasn’t stupid) and quickly logged in before he could think better of it. The website was pretty nondescript, with a few promoted videos on the front page and a search function next to some popular tags. ‘Buck’ was one of the tags. Not the biggest one, but clearly one that was searched for amongst the viewers.
He clicked on it.
The first video that popped up was one called ‘Hot MILF takes control’ and Eddie’s stomach churned. Something complicated was happening inside of him as he stared at the thumbnail. An older woman, maybe in her fifties leaned over shirtless Buck on his knees. She had salt and pepper hair that cascaded down her shoulders and her red lipped smile looked predatory. One of her hands was clutching at Buck’s shoulder. He didn’t know why that looked so…wrong.
He scrubbed through the video, settling on a section of video a few minutes in. Buck’s hands were cradling the woman’s face, his thumbs stroking her jaw as he kissed her. They were both shirtless, though the woman still had on a lacy bra. She moaned into Buck’s mouth and he seemed to swallow it eagerly, his hips pressing forward to touch hers. He tilted her head back and lowered his mouth to her neck, pressing soft, reverent kisses to her pale throat. She gasped and put a hand on top of Buck’s head, shoving him down onto his knees. Buck looked up at her, eagerly, desperately, and grabbed the hem of her skirt. She leaned back onto a desk (a simple prop, Eddie thought hazily) and spread her legs. Buck shoved the skirt up around her hips and leaned into nuzzle against her crotch, looking as content as Eddie had ever seen him.
Eddie felt numb. His tongue felt too big for his mouth and he didn’t like how interested his dick seemed to be in this video of Buck desperate to get his mouth on a woman’s clit. He slammed the laptop closed and turned away, breathing hard between clenched teeth.
This, this is why he didn’t want to watch these videos. God, he was never listening to Buck again. His mind desperately wheeled between wanting more and pushing the laptop as far away from him as he could. He understood that Buck wanted him to see some of his videos so he could understand that Buck was just acting and he was good at it, he could create intimacy on a whim and the passion between him and his partner during scenes wasn’t something that spilled over into real life - so then why did Eddie feel sick with something that felt like jealousy?
Eddie wasn’t ready to process that. So he shoved his laptop in a corner and turned his brain away from Buck for the weekend. He’d deal with - whatever he felt for Buck later, presumably on Tuesday.
—
True to his warning, Eddie didn’t hear from Buck all weekend, and not most of Monday either. Around 7pm as he was washing up from dinner, his phone pinged with a text from Buck.
I requested margarita mix for tomorrow’s shoot. I need something tasty if I’m going to be drinking before noon. 🙏
Do you always drink before shoots? Eddie replied, after wiping his wet hands on a dishtowel so he could text back.
No…but it seems like it helps you.
Of course Buck was worried about how he felt.
Well maybe after a couple more shoots I’ll be a pro like you. His mind flashed to Buck looking besotted on his knees, staring adoringly up the woman on the video as he licked his lips in anticipation and his fingers splayed across her toned thighs.
Three dots blinked at him. Then disappeared. Then blinked again and the text finally came through.
I mean, I did say you were a natural.
Eddie didn’t know how to respond. He felt pent up, somehow frustrated and a little angry at Buck. He groaned and rubbed a hand across his face, doubting his decisions not for the first time. He didn’t know why he felt angry with Buck - maybe because every time he opened his mouth he made Eddie feel off kilter, just a little. Maybe because Eddie wasn’t used to being out of his depth and he relied on Buck to guide him, and Buck’s guidance was - confusing, emotionally. Eddie didn’t know how he felt about him - acquaintance, friend, coworker, or fuck buddy? And this was all heaping on top of his shoulder before they’d even kissed. Eddie couldn’t even keep it professional in his mind.
….you good? Buck’s text lit his phone up next to him on the counter.
I’m fine. I’ve got stuff to do tonight. He lied - easier through text, at least. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Buck’s reply came slower than usual. Alright man, see you in the morning. Get some rest. 😴
Eddie plugged his phone into a charger and decided to ignore it for the rest of the night, focusing on playing a board game with Christopher and decidedly not getting in his feelings about Evan Buckley.
The morning seemed to come too fast, and after dropping Christopher off at school he had to immediately commute to the studio to get there on time. When he pulled into the parking lot, he could see Buck’s jeep already there, parked close to the entrance. Naturally, Buck hated being late, and he wasn’t kidding about being there early. Eddie took a deep breath in his truck and steeled himself, repeating the mantra that had been helping him get his mind around this job. It’s just a job, it’s just sex, he told himself sternly. And - he could trust Buck. As complicated as his feelings about Buck were beginning to get, he knew he could trust Buck to be willing and giving with him, to be - maybe not physically gentle, but emotionally gentle. A small thrill of anticipation shivered through him, and Eddie forced himself to get out of the truck and make the walk into the studio.
Camila was waiting for him, handing him a glass of - something - with a straw. “Good morning Mr. Diaz! Here you go, Mr. Buckley requested something fruity for this morning.”
“Margarita? There’s no salt on the rim,” Eddie lifted an eyebrow judgmentally. Camila shrugged, completely unbothered by his disapproval.
“I’m a production manager, not a bartender, Mr. Diaz. Ok! We’re so excited for your scene with Mr. Buckley. Partner scenes are always exciting, so much to play with as far as chemistry and passion. Just remember, let Mr. Buckley lead you into the scene, you should feel resistant at first but then give into the natural urges. Remember my notes I sent you?” How could Eddie forget. It had been mildly humiliating to read through notes about how he should be trying to play the masculine, straight man who gets swept up in a gay fantasy, seduced by Buck’s raw sexuality.
‘I get to play the seductive, slutty twink,’ he remembered Buck saying at their first meeting. At the time it felt overwhelming, terrifying really, but now he was starting to get a handle on the vibe they wanted. Buck had also said ‘Just respond naturally’ so he’d try his best. He took a sip of the margarita - very tangy and mixed very strong. He’d absolutely be buzzed if he finished this whole thing.
He drifted into the filming space where Mike was, of course, fussing with the set space. There was a couch on a rug, a lamp in the corner, and a night stand of sorts next to the couch. Very domestic, Eddie thought to himself. The lighting was warm toned, casting a golden glow even around Mike as he pushed the couch back to be at more of an angle.
“Oh good,” Mike said, noticing that Eddie was in the room. “You’re here. Can you go find Buck? He was a little anxious this morning. He got here at 9:15,” Mike looked at him pointedly. “Did you say something weird to him?”
Eddie recoiled. “No! He was working this weekend and I was busy last night, we didn’t really get a chance to talk,” he said defensively.
Mike rolled his eyes. “Okay well can you go talk to him now? The vibes are atrocious, he looked like a kicked puppy when he rolled in this morning.”
“Oh god he hasn’t been drinking this whole time, has he?” Eddie really couldn’t do this if Buck was drunk. Who would be steering the ship?
Mike shook his head and pointed at Camila. “Oh no, she wouldn’t let him. But he might have started now.”
Eddie groaned and wheeled on his heels, now given the task to go intercept his scene partner and squash whatever awkwardness he had introduced last night. Fuck. He had just been in a mood, he hadn’t meant for it to bleed over into the shoot day.
He found Buck sitting at a folding chair next to the ‘snack and spank bank’ table. His shoulders were rounded forward and he had his elbows on his knees, hunching over himself. He didn’t even have gel in his hair, and Eddie realized that he tiny little curls, waves through his hair. It made him look much younger - he wasn’t sure if Buck did that on purpose, for the scene or simply because he didn’t want to do his hair this morning. Either way, it made the entire picture much more endearing.
“Buck!” Eddie called, waving with his one free hand. “Did you mix these margaritas? They are strong as hell.” Casual, stay casual.
Buck looked up, startled. “Um, yeah I did,” he said warily to Eddie. His eyes flicked from the drink Eddie was holding to Eddie’s face, studying his body language. “Hey do you - are you feeling … good?”
“Yeah man, why wouldn’t I be?” It probably wasn’t smart to not acknowledge the energy between them, but Eddie couldn’t afford to create a problem. Clearly he had already created a problem last night by ‘being weird’ over text, he had to fix it now. He smiled at Buck, going for easy going. “I’m excited to see you work. You have the advantage, you’ve seen me work now.”
Buck smiled back, automatically, then ducked his head bashfully. “Oh yeah, that’s true. You didn’t look up any of my videos…? I thought — I thought maybe you had.”
Eddie realized suddenly what Buck was anxious about. He assumed that Eddie had watched some of Buck’s work (which was true, to his credit) and it had turned Eddie off or disgusted him so bad he didn’t want to talk or interact with Buck at all. He could see it all over his face. Fear, anxiety, and something deeper, something sad and tired. He took a deep breath and walked over to sit next to Buck, taking another sip of his drink.
“Nah. Like you said, I didn’t want spoilers.” Eddie jostled their shoulders together playfully, and Buck grinned, visibly relaxing. “I need you to seduce me organically, nothing clouding my judgment.”
“Oh, I think I can do that,” Buck glanced at him, and it was weirdly comforting to hear his playful, flirtatious tone return to his voice. The corners of his eyes crinkled in a smile and he fluttered his long blond lashes at Eddie.
Eddie rolled his eyes, but the tension dissolved immediately, and he felt his own shoulders relax. “Drink a damn margarita and let’s get this show on the road.”
“Yessir,” Buck murmured softly and Eddie felt the deference from Buck go straight to his dick. Hmm. He stared at the margarita in his hand - so the liquor was already kicking in, he thought to himself, and the authority kink from the Army was still doing some heavy lifting. Good to know.
—
It only took a few minutes for Buck to bounce back to his regular, perky self. He talked animatedly with Camila while Mike gave Eddie an approving nod and thumbs up.
“Alright lads, we’re set up. Eddie you’ll start on the couch, then Buck will enter and you guys will interact. Remember there’s not a set script, but Buck might say some crazy shit to you. Feel free to respond as if it’s crazy, but once clothes come off it’s all forward motion. Follow your instincts.”
Buck nodded, like this was normal, so Eddie went with the flow and nodded as well. He wasn’t as buzzed as last time - on purpose though. He could see that Buck was just as buzzed as last time, a flush from the tequila making his face look rosy and youthful. Whatever exactly had been bothering him, Eddie had done a good job of dispelling, and he was looking eagerly at the set.
Camila waved at the three of them. “That’s my cue to leave! Be safe, be sexy,” she added, cheerfully. She never ran out of enthusiasm for the job, Eddie mused.
Then it was time to shoot. Eddie took a breath, stepped onto the set and settled himself into the couch. He decided to keep his body on the edge of the couch, legs splayed slightly as he leaned back into the cushions, trying to make himself look as large and take up as much space as possible. He tried to sink into the mind-space of a character, like Mike and Camila and Buck kept telling him to do. But unfortunately he was not an actor, and there was still too much of Eddie sitting on that couch, watching Buck enter the scene.
He couldn’t control it. His heart rate spiked at Buck walked towards him. Walked — really he slunk, his gait changing in a way that Eddie couldn’t even describe. Eddie stared up at Buck, following the line of his long legs and raking along his torso and chest until finally meeting his eyes. “Is there any room on that couch for me?” Buck said, a slow smile spreading across his face. Eddie blinked, face blank, before finally shrugging.
“Find some,” he answered, hoping his voice sounded normal and not fraught with nerves.
Buck slid in front of him, in between his legs and bent down, leaning into Eddie’s space. Buck has been this close to Eddie before, his mouth has been on his ear practically, yapping away - Buck has even flirted with him regularly on the phone and in person, playful banter, teasing him. But Buck has never looked at him like this. Not even during the last shoot, when every time Eddie met his gaze Buck looked longingly back, with heat and hunger. Now, looking into Buck’s eyes all Eddie could see was want. More than want, need.
“Is here okay?” Buck purred, and poured himself into Eddie’s lap, kneeling up on the couch so he was balanced on Eddie’s lap, back arched and face close. Eddie’s hands hovered away from Buck’s waist even though he desperately wanted to grab onto him, willing himself to play into the character, to act like he didn’t want to immediately start touching Buck every where now that he was presented with the option.
“What the fuck are you doing?” He hissed instead, eyes wide and searching. He could feel Mike’s movement around them with the small camera, surely getting close up shots of their bodies touching, their faces close.
Eddie had never seen Buck smile quite like this before. It was sharp, all teeth and cocky confidence. “Do you,” he asked, raspy and low - it made Eddie’s heart jump - “not like it?” and then he rolled his hips, gently grinding their lower bodies together. His hands made their way down the couch cushions from the back of the couch to rest lightly at Eddie’s shoulders.
Eddie didn’t have to fake his soft groan, or the way he urgently searched Buck’s eyes for the next move. Buck was steady, his eyes intense and half lidded with what Eddie could only assume was lust. Follow your instincts, he told himself, it’s just sex, it’s just a job. His body throbbed with desire and he followed it down.
He let his hands grip onto Buck’s waist, fingertips crawling underneath the hem of his shirt to clutch at bare, soft, warm skin.
“No,” he said roughly and surged forward to close the distance between them, catching Buck’s mouth in a needy, desperate kiss. Buck responded eagerly, opening easily for Eddie as Eddie’s hands slid up, further and further along Buck’s sides, his shirt rucking up.
Buck melted into the kiss as Eddie took, took, took from him. He felt a tidal wave of want crashing through him and it made him sloppy and wild. He felt like he couldn’t take it anymore and buried his face into Buck’s neck, teeth grazing along the long, stubbly line of his throat. Buck gasped and tilted his head back further, giving him more access. Eddie could feel the sound of his moan through the vibrations at his throat and it made him want to suck a line of hickeys into the skin, to mark it, claim it. These were not friendly thoughts, Eddie realized through the haze of desire, not thoughts you have about a friend. But this friend was straddling him and grinding their crotches together, so maybe it was warranted.
Eddie pulled away long enough to impatiently claw at Buck’s shirt, ripping it off over his head and sitting back to evaluate his new real estate. He hadn’t paid enough attention during the video the other night, apparently, or maybe they were newer, but the couple of tattoos that scattered across his arms and chest surprised Eddie. What other things was Buck hiding from him?
“Acceptable?” Buck rasped, breathing heavily. He was sat back on his heels, still straddling Eddie. His chest was smooth and hairless, his nipples perky little pebbles in the cool studio air. Eddie reached across and thumbed one absently, feeling a thrill of delight as Buck gasped and canted his hips forward. He was hard. Eddie could feel it through both their jeans.
“You’ll do,” Eddie murmured, smiling despite himself. Buck grinned back and grabbed at Eddie’s shirt in response, pulling it off so they could be equal and then pressing in close to kiss him again. Eddie threaded his fingers into Buck’s hair, grabbing onto his curls and holding him close as his skin sang when it made contact with Buck’s naked chest. Every time their lips touched was his favorite time. He couldn’t stop, licking his way into Buck’s mouth and sliding their tongues together in a wet, hot kiss, pulling back just to do it all over again. Buck laughed breathlessly against his mouth and Eddie wanted to swallow it, swallow it all down, consume Buck’s very essence into his being. He didn’t know if he’d ever felt this addicted to someone’s mouth before.
Buck seemed to have an agenda though, because he twisted their legs and pulled Eddie roughly to the side, guiding them down flat onto the couch. Now Buck loomed over Eddie, his long and lanky form trapping him on the couch and, in theory, completely in control of the scene. Buck looked drunk, though Eddie couldn’t tell if it was from the tequila or the kissing. He reached up and traced Buck’s face with his fingertips, that tight, desperate pull returning to his chest as he wanted - he wanted… something. As his fingers touched Buck’s lips, the other man opened his mouth and drew them in, sucking hard on his digits and moaning, eyes fluttering as if nothing gave him greater pleasure. Eddie felt like he’d been socked the stomach. Blood rushed away from his head, and the roaring was back in his ears. It was like he couldn’t get enough air in his lungs as Buck’s tongue laved his fingers lovingly. It sent shivers straight down his nervous system to his groin and suddenly Eddie had never been harder in his life. He pulled his fingers back and Buck released them with a ‘pop’, a sneaky, filthy smile spreading across his face.
“Fuck,” Eddie whimpered. Buck pressed his knee up, between Eddie’s spread legs and rubbed purposefully against his crotch.
“Let me,” Buck whispered back, licking his lips and making them shine once more. “Let me touch you.” His voice sounded so tight and needy, like it would kill him if Eddie said no. “I’ll be so good for you,” he added with a whine of urgency as if he needed to plead his case.
Eddie could only groan and nod, hands shoving at his pants to shimmy them off. Buck’s hands joined him, easing the way with dextrous, nimble fingers. Everywhere his hands touched new, exposed skin felt like a trail of fire for Eddie. He threw an arm over his face, covering his eyes because it was all just too much, he felt exposed and overstimulated and the darkness helped him organize the input his body was experiencing. Buck’s hands skirted up and down his legs, whisper soft, and it sent unbidden shivers up his body. For a moment, Buck’s body weight was gone and he took his arm away from his face, glancing down, wondering if maybe there was something wrong, but when he looked all he saw was Buck stripped down to nothing, crawling back on top of him. His heart skipped a beat.
“Hey,” Buck said, so soft, so quiet, that Eddie thought the boom mic may not even pick up on it. Their bodies lay together quietly for a moment, and Buck nuzzled into his neck kissing the place where his shoulder arched into his neck. “You doing ok?” He mouthed against his skin, and yes, that was definitely Buck talking just to him, not the camera.
Eddie nodded and let himself stroke down Buck’s back, tracing the broad expanse of his shoulder blades down to the slope of his lower back and the curve where his ass began. It was comforting in a way, to take a break in the middle of this intense moment for him. Buck nodded back, face still buried in his skin, and then gave him a tiny, ridiculous kiss that made Eddie’s heart squeeze painfully. Finally he pulled back and the face for the camera was back, his eyes glittering with determination. He shifted to the side, opening their bodies and separating them like pages of a book so he could graze his hand down Eddie’s abs and trace along the line of his cock in his underwear. He was being so gentle, too gentle really, Eddie thought hysterically as his whole body clenched and shivered under the attention. So Eddie reached down and covered Buck’s hand in his own, making him close his fist around the aching erection he had.
“C’mon,” Eddie encouraged gruffly. Buck didn’t need any more permission than that. He yanked Eddie’s briefs down his thighs, exposing his cock to the cool air and immediately wrapped his big hand around it. Eddie gasped, arching into the contact. Buck’s hands had callouses. He knew that, of course, but it was one thing to know it and one thing to feel those callouses stroke up and down his cock, tight, firm, just the right amount of pressure and speed. Eddie allowed himself to roll his hips and fuck up into Buck’s fist and looked up into Buck’s eyes, watching in fascination as Buck’s breath hitched and his eyes went glassy. His mouth was bright pink, shiny with their combined spit and he was making these soft little noises, encouraging moans and hums as he jerked Eddie closer to orgasm. But Eddie wasn’t ready for that, not yet.
He twisted and their bodies slid against each other luxuriously as he flipped their positions. Now he stared down at Buck, pupils blown huge with desire and fucked his hips forward so their cocks rubbed against each other. Buck yelped, fading into a long whine as he scrambled against the couch to gain some leverage. Eddie put a hand on his shoulder and shoved him down, holding him still as he ground his hips into Buck’s.
“Oh God,” Buck groaned, and it truly sounded like a prayer. He swallowed roughly and then started moving with Eddie, rocking against him. Fuck. Fuck. Suddenly the slow rise of pleasure that had been building in him was like a wall of water threatening to burst the dam. He squeezed his eyes shut tight just to block the image of Buck writhing against him from his mind’s eye. Everything was hot, slick, and soft. Eddie had no idea it could feel like this. He felt hysterical, felt like he was going mad with the desire to bury himself into Buck’s skin, zip it up around him and never leave. If he could keep this feeling forever, feeling like he was both floating and falling at the same time, a rush of emotion he couldn’t describe — in this moment, he would sell his soul to keep it. He fumbled, his left hand holding Buck down, and the other one reaching between them to grab Buck’s erection tightly. It felt - strange, exciting. He’d never done this before, held another man’s hard dick, but suddenly it was the only thing he wanted to do, to stroke Buck off until he came. Which is exactly what he did. Eddie didn’t hesitate, he followed his instincts and pumped his hand roughly, gently stroking his thumb over the head of Buck’s cock every now and then until Buck was babbling and clutching at Eddie’s bicep.
“Please, oh, please, Eddie,” he gasped, keening and arching against Eddie. It was like a trigger word for him, but Eddie couldn’t say anything, he was robbed of any words. He just grunted and kept his pace until Buck’s body stiffened against him, every muscle tensing as he moaned pornographically while he came undone under Eddie’s hands. He could only watch Buck’s nearly pained look, admiring the sheen of sweat across Buck’s brow and chest that shone from the lights above. He looked - unreal. Like a painting. Eddie’s entire body felt like a live-wire, throbbing desperately for release. He scrambled to paw at his own erection, sure that it would only take a couple of pulls to get himself off. But to his surprise Buck sat up suddenly and swatted his hand away. He pushed them both into an upright position and leaned in to kiss Eddie frantically as he gripped Eddie firmly. The slide of Buck’s tongue against his, obscene and hot pushed him over the edge. He melted and saw stars, clinging to Buck as Buck stroked him through it, whispering soft encouragements against his mouth between kisses. He trembled as aftershocks wracked his body, hypersensitive as Buck gentled his touch, fingers stroking along his hip soothingly. They panted together, entangled, wet from cum and sweat and spit and slumped against the couch as they came down from their highs.
“Acceptable?” Eddie asked roughly into the crook of Buck’s neck. He felt Buck’s laughter reverberate through his whole body and his stomach fluttered like there were butterflies trapped in there.
“You’ll do,” Buck answered smugly, and Eddie pulled back to watch Buck’s face look back at him so fond and so soft that Eddie felt his heart surge into his throat.
“Cut,” Mike said, and Eddie nearly startled. He hadn’t forgotten that Mike was there, exactly, but it was still jarring to hear anything but his and Buck’s voices cut through the air. Buck groaned - not in a sexy way, this time, but more in a ‘dear god, I’m sticky and hot and tired’ kind of way and rolled away from Eddie, peeling their bodies apart. Eddie tried very, very hard not to feel the loss of his touch, but something inside still keened sadly. It was fucking embarrassing, and Eddie felt the flush hit his cheeks as realization crashed down around him.
Buck must have noticed something shift, because he became alert and perky again, all of a sudden. “Mike, towels?” He urged, and Eddie felt something soft slap against him as Buck tossed him one.
“Well, that’s going to be kind of a bitch to edit,” Mike said, mostly to himself. He was frowning. “You guys were like a fucking rubik’s cube of limbs for a couple of minutes there. It was hard to see what was happening.”
“Hey, the couch is not an easy prop,” Buck defended. Eddie was still processing, quietly wiping himself down and groaned as the exhaustion started to seep in.
“Well I’m just glad the next few scenes will be easier to block,” Mike grumbled grumpily. “I should have given you more direction. Follow your instincts, jeez I didn’t know your instincts would be to become octopuses clinging to each other.”
Okay, this was too much for Eddie. It was humiliating to think about what it must have looked like, him and Buck writhing on the couch, panting and grappling with one another. “I’m sure you’ll make it work,” Buck snapped, arms folded. He looked pissed. Eddie had never seen him angry before. He didn’t know Buck could get angry, actually, as happy go lucky as he always seemed with Eddie. His face was a thunderous cloud, brows furrowed and eyes dark.
Mike waved him off and stomped away with his footage, leaving Eddie and Buck alone in the studio. Buck sighed, shoulders dropping as Mike left. He turned to Eddie, holding the towel around his hips.
“You wanna take a shower in the bathroom? You can go first. Then we can get some lunch together, if you want?” The thunderous cloud had left, leaving a hopeful, unsure expression. Eddie could see how careful he was being, treating Eddie like a skittish animal.
He couldn’t say no. It wasn’t Buck’s fault Eddie was feeling — off kilter, once again. He hadn’t quite nailed the compartmentalization thing like Buck clearly had, and that energy and emotion he felt with Buck during their scene was still lingering, making him feel raw and vulnerable in his presence. But the only way to build that skill was to practice, and besides, this was becoming their things. Sex and food, Eddie thought to himself wryly. The two ways to win his heart.
“Alright,” he smiled softly at Buck, and was rewarded with a patented Buckley Beam. “But I pick the spot this time. And you still pay.”
“Whatever you want, Eddie,” Buck said cheerfully, eyes glinting. Back to normal, Eddie thought as he retreated to the showers. Well, maybe not quite normal, according to the longing pit in his stomach. But he’s sure they’ll get there. What’s the worst that could happen?
—
A few days later, Buck called him.
It wasn’t exactly unusual for Buck to call him out of the blue, but generally it would be preceded by a few texts or some stupid meme that Buck liked to send him. In fact, Eddie was almost positive Buck should be working at the moment so he paused what he was doing to answer it. “Buck? You ok?” He asked, feeling worry creep up his spine.
”I fucked up.” Buck’s voice sounded - not sad, not angry, just - void. Like completely devoid of emotion. A flat tone that he never had, not with Eddie.
“Whoa, what do you mean? Like what kind of fucked up, Buck?”
Buck drew a long, rattling breath and Eddie realized he sounded like he’d been crying. He probably was void of emotion, drained of it all. “I fucked up at work. I - I pissed my boss off and he, god, he fired me.”
Eddie blanched. From what Buck had described, his work was his life. All his friends were connected to his job, he adored and revered his boss, and he devoted every waking hour he wasn’t working with Wixam to his full time job. Eddie knew it wasn’t even a competition between the two jobs, he would pick his ‘real’ job every time over the porn gig.
“What did you do?”
Buck paused, going silent. Well that wasn’t good. Finally, he spoke. ”I — I don’t want to tell you,” he said quietly.
Eddie growled in frustration. Truly, Buck could be infuriating. “I can’t help you if I don’t know if you deserve what you got or not, Buck.”
”I …misused some company vehicles for a hook up. And I got caught.”
He felt like he’d been punched. Suddenly he was the one void of emotion as a cold wave washed through him. For a second Eddie forgot where the fuck he was, and his world narrowed to a place where all he could see was Buck’s hand sliding up a woman’s skirt, an eager to please look on his face as he dove forward.
“Wow. Yep, you fucked up.” He said, coldly. “What the fuck were you thinking?” He snapped, unable to help himself. Jesus, was Buck some kind of nymphomaniac? Eddie understood they both had lives outside of working together, but to risk his beloved job for a hook up? When they had just - when it hadn’t been that long since they had shot their scene together?
”I don’t know Eddie, I don’t know,” Buck moaned miserably. ”What do I do? He said that was it, it was two infractions and I was out. What am I supposed to do?”
Eddie was inexplicably furious with him, the selfish prick. This was his second infraction? Presumably for similar issues at work? Vaguely, he knew he should be a good friend and comfort Buck, tell him to lick his wounds and find another job, but for some reason Eddie felt wronged too. It’s just a job, it’s just sex, rang in his ears, over and over but his mind refused to accept it. Buck was changing his brain chemistry, whether he knew it or not.
“Well I guess your schedule will be wide open for the next shoot. Congratulations, you and me fucking just turned into your full time job.” Eddie drawled sarcastically, and ended the call in a flurry of self righteous rage.
Buck tried to call back, but Eddie ignored the call. Let Buck stew, alone and friendless in the world. He could cry on his hook up’s shoulder, for all Eddie cared. And he - well, he was not going to examine why he reacted like that. Certainly didn’t want to think that he might be jealous of Buck’s real life, of Buck’s real intimacy. Because this wasn’t just watching Buck do a different shoot with a different actor or actress. This was someone in ‘real life’ that Buck chose to spend time with, for free. Eddie took a deep, shuddering breath. He’d be fine in a day or two. But yeah, this compartmentalization was still rough. And Buck - Buck just didn’t make it easy on him, despite his best efforts.
—
Eddie stayed busy with the academy and decidedly does not worry about Buck for a few more days. He needed some time to cool off, and now, looking back, Eddie can recognize that his reaction was out of line. But he still wasn’t ready to talk to him, and Buck had clearly gotten the message because there hadn’t been a peep. The only real communication he had with him at the moment was the email chain between him and Camila, since Buck was also in that thread. Camila had sent him an update with a link to their website, excitedly sharing that Eddie’s first video was edited and posted. He was also having complicated feelings about that. The payment had hit his bank account as soon as the first shoot was wrapped, which was nice. He was paid fairly and on time as soon as his part was done. But now, the video was live for an audience.
Buck finally texted him two days later. Eddie recognized it for what it was; an olive branch, a semi-apology, and most of all the desire to move on. He also knew that Buck didn’t really know why Eddie was so mad about it - Eddie barely understood it himself. He didn’t let himself think about it, dwell on it.
Hey I just wanted to let you know I was unfired. I actually was unfired later the same day I was fired lol. It was kind of a crazy day tbh wish I could say more. Do you want to get some Mexican food with me tonight?
Of course, of course Buck was re-hired the same day he fired - and of course he wanted to get food together, to patch things up. He tried to swallow around the bitter pill that seemed lodged in his throat and ignored the text.
But his phone pinged again.
It’s been a rough week. I’d really like to see you before we shoot again. Please?
‘Please’ was like Eddie’s kryptonite, at least when it was coming from Buck. Even though it was just letters on his screen, he could see Buck’s face in crystalline clarity, hear his voice pleading in his ear. It sounded hauntingly like Buck begging to let him cum, and Eddie flinched away from his own spur of arousal that sprang up, guilt seeping into him. He shouldn’t feel this way about his friend, and it wasn’t fair to punish Buck for having normal - well, semi-normal - relationships outside of their scenes together. In fact, it was kind of fucked up. To Buck, Eddie was a coworker and new friend and Buck had treated him as such, even reaching out when he had a problem at work. Fuck, he really was being an asshole. Eddie glanced at his watch. He could probably ask Abuela to keep Christopher overnight, he always had a change of clothes at her place. He quickly typed out his reply.
7pm sound ok? Where are we meeting?
—
Buck was waiting outside the restaurant for him when Eddie pulled up. He looked nervous, his hands jammed into his pockets as he shifted from foot to foot. His face brightened when he saw Eddie, but still had an anxious, tight look, his smile smaller than usual and closed lipped. He waved, like a dork.
“I didn’t know this was a date,” Eddie drawled as he drew closer, deciding that if there was going to be tension he had to be the one to dispel it.
“Huh?” Buck’s face contorted into confusion, a panicked flash in his eyes. Eddie reached forward and smoothed his hand over Buck’s shoulder, patting the fabric into place.
“Button up,” he said simply, and grinned. “I didn’t know I should have dressed up.”
Buck laughed, stepping away from Eddie’s touch and sending him a reproachful look. “Fuck you, I have other clothes than what I wear to shoots. I actually have quite a few button ups, and I look great in them. They’re just - ah - harder to get off in the moment without ruining.”
Eddie had to shrug and acquiesce the point, but then they were entering the restaurant and being seated in a small, intimate corner. It wasn’t quite a hole in the wall, super authentic Mexican place, but he’s pretty sure the food will be fine. Better than the Tex-Mex they try to pass as authentic Mexican food in Texas, but probably nothing like Pepa’s birria. Buck ordered them each a Modelo beer to get started and then stared at Eddie from across the table. He definitely looked weary - weary and also wary. They didn’t speak to each other for a week, and now Eddie had showed up to dinner as if nothing had happened.
“So,” Eddie started, fiddling with his napkin. “How did you get un-fired?”
“God,” Buck groaned in response. Eddie’s stomach fluttered - pavlovian. “So much has happened since then, I can barely remember. Hmm, how do I … okay, well so I was fired and then I tried to talk to Cap about it and tell him like, maybe I was a sex addict, but he said ‘Leave your problems at home, you don’t think we all have problems?’ so I felt like shit.”
“Sex addict, huh?”
Buck blushed and ducked his head, looking embarrassed. “Self-diagnosed,” he muttered, almost to himself. “I mean, it makes our thing make a little more sense, yeah?”
Eddie pursed his lips and nodded, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his chest. Buck the sex addict - he hadn’t really seen that coming. Buck didn’t look like what he pictured a sex addict would look like. Buck looked like the boy next door who charmed mothers and rescued kittens from trees. But sure, it would explain a lot. Like why he was still doing pornography when he had a full time job that paid him well enough to go without the extra money. Surely it wasn’t just for the attention. Maybe there was some seedier, underlying cause behind his motivations. He stayed quiet though, silently prompting Buck for the rest of the story.
“Anyway, so I was kind of gathering all my stuff up, my coworkers were saying goodbye and then after they left I got a call from my friend Hen - you know Hen right? - that they needed me to take… said company vehicle that I had previously used inappropriately to go to a - a job site they couldn’t get to fast enough. So I did, and I kind of saved the day.” Buck smiled bashfully, clearly torn between being proud and being embarrassed about the whole situation.
“And your boss just - gave you your job back?”
Buck nodded. “I think he felt like maybe he had been a little harsh. And I promised it would never happen again. And it won’t. I was being a total asshole, I don’t even know why.” Buck blew out a long breath.
“Yeah, when you told me -“ Eddie hesitated, but Buck leaned forward, eyes big and searching. “- I was just shocked that you would do something like that. You know, disrespectful. That’s not you Buck.”
He didn’t even know Buck. Not really. But … he knew that what he said was true. Buck had a good heart, he was sweet and thoughtful and yeah, flirtatious and excitable and daring. He could see how Buck got himself into that situation, trying to impress and please other people, but couldn’t understand how he did it at the expense of his friends and coworkers who he clearly adored so much.
The waiter came around, they ordered their food, and then Buck jumped into the rest of his terrible, no good, very bad week.
“Okay so I was psyched I got my job back and then something traumatic happened at work and then I was - I dunno, pretty shook I guess. It was really bothering me, and I felt like it might have been my fault and there were all these people giving me their opinions on the situation. It was really getting into my head. So Cap referred me to a therapist, you know. I’d never talked to a therapist before.”
“And how was that?” Eddie asked. He could feel himself leaning in, drawing closer to Buck as he animatedly talked through everything that Eddie had missed in the last seven days. It was like being lured in by Buck’s energy, his waving hands, his expressive face. And Eddie fell for it every time, hook, line, and sinker.
The other man paused, licking his lips nervously. “I slept with her,” Buck admitted, his blush intensifying.
“Buck!” Eddie exclaimed, recoiling in shock. “What like, during the session?” When Buck nodded sheepishly Eddie groaned in defeat. What the hell was wrong with this man? Eddie thought back to the many therapists he’d seen both before and after his tours in Afghanistan. He had fucked absolutely none of them, nor had he wanted to fuck them. Even if he had been single at the time, there was no way Eddie would have felt the desire to start making out with his therapists after discussing his traumas with them. He took a long draught of his beer - after this outing with Buck, he might need something stronger.
“You know that’s like, hella illegal, right?” Eddie gave him a sharp look. “She shouldn’t have done that, that’s - that’s so gross. She took advantage of you dude!” He couldn’t quell the roiling disgust he felt for this woman, who looked at Buck who was seeking help and thought only of his body.
Buck shrugged, like ‘oh well, what’s done is done’ and waved his hand dismissively. “It’s fine, I stopped seeing her. But then - oh my god Eddie, you are not going to believe this - my coworker Chimney? He asked his girlfriend to marry him. And then she said she wasn’t sure, and he was so upset he left work early and got into a car accident and a piece of rebar went through his head! Like completely through, he was actually pinned to his car seat. But he’s fine! Like he made it through surgery really well and it seems like he’s going to fully recover. Isn’t that wild?”
“I’m sorry, that all happened last week for you?” Eddie was having a hard time coming to terms with this. Getting fired for having sex with girls on work hours, getting rehired after ‘saving the day’, whatever that meant, something traumatic enough happening that Buck had to go to therapy about it, sleeping with the therapist, and then his coworker getting into a car accident so bad he had a huge piece of metal through his skull and he lived. “Yeah Buck, I’d call that wild. Is that like, normal for you?”
Buck considered this for a moment and then nodded, grinning. “I mean, yeah kind of. The only thing missing was you.” He didn’t seem like he realized what he said, and their food was arriving on hot plates that the waiter warned them not to touch too soon. But Eddie sat there and let Buck’s words wash over him. The only thing missing was him. With a week that full and Buck still missed him. Missed talking with him, sharing everything, hanging out. Eddie was a vacancy in his life and he’d be lying if he said that it didn’t matter.
As they ate, Buck went into all the gory details about Chimney’s accident, happily chowing down on his fajitas as he described the odds of actually surviving a brain injury like that. Eddie let him talk away, finishing his beer and picking at his food. He wasn’t actually all that hungry, but it was worth it to sit here and listen to Buck talk. It eased that guilt inside, the weird jealousy and longing that kept cropping up every time he thought of him. And it was easy to encourage him, just a few questions or comments here or there and Buck would immediately launch into another tirade about rare injuries and the rate of survival.
Buck took a moment to breathe and chew his food, but even while doing so he brought his phone up to swipe through. He needed constant stimulation - Eddie was pretty sure he had ADHD.
“Oh,” he said between bites, “Camila just emailed us.”
“What about?” Eddie asked curiously. “Scheduling?”
Buck nodded slowly, scrolling through the email. “Looks like Mike is going to be out of town for a few weeks. She wants to get the next shoot done before he has to leave.” His eyes flicked back and forth quickly as he scanned his phone. “Oh,” he added, going still.
Eddie straightened up. “What’s ‘oh’? Something wrong?”
“Hmm, she said she and Mike agreed the next two scenes could be done in one shoot. So they’re going to try and block out a longer time frame for the shoot. Then they’ll just edit it into two separate videos.” His voice didn’t betray anything - Eddie had no idea how he felt about this idea. It could just be, like, information to him.
Eddie pushed his food around on his plate, his mind whirring. The next two scenes were where Buck was scheduled to blow him, and then the next one was Eddie rimming and fingering Buck. His heart jumped - fear, excitement, he wasn’t sure. Given that he had been imagining Buck on his knees with his mouth wrapped perfectly around Eddie’s cock almost since he met him, he didn’t think that one was going to be a problem. At least not performing for it. But the rimming and the fingering… Eddie had to admit he was terrified. He had no experience doing that to a man. To a woman, sure. Eating a girl out was different though, surely, and he’d never actually had anal sex before. Was it similar to fingering a woman? He flexed his fingers - they felt like they were going numb, like they always felt when he started to get overwhelmed with anxiety.
“Fuck, I gotta get tested soon then,” Buck mumbled to himself, putting his phone away. He had nearly cleared his plate.
“Again?” Eddie’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.
Buck looked at him like he was stupid. “Yeah…I had other partners since the last time we shot. Gotta make sure I’m clean. I mean, of course I used condoms, but still, I would never put you at risk like that.”
Something complicated happened in Eddie’s chest. He felt a surge of endearment, warmed by Buck’s oddly professional approach to their scenes and his obvious concern for Eddie’s well being. But, conversely - Buck was out there fucking random people on the daily it seemed. And there was an ugly monster that sat on Eddie’s lungs, making it hard to breathe normally, roaring about how wrong that was, about how Eddie should change that. It was starting to feel more, and more like jealousy. Jealous for Buck’s attention, jealous for Buck’s adoration. Jealous for Buck’s lust. He didn’t have the right to it, but Eddie was feeling entitled to it anyway.
It didn’t make any sense, he chided himself. He wasn’t even gay. (But maybe, his mind whispered to him traitorously, maybe he was, just for Buck.)
When the check got dropped off, Eddie automatically reached for his wallet but Buck waved him off. “Hey, I’ll get it. I invited you out, I’m the one not-fired.”
Eddie smirked and quirked his brow at Buck. “This is feeling like a date,” he said in a sing-song, calling back to the beginning of the night. Buck flushed again, but didn’t deny it.
“Oh hey, have you watched your video that’s up yet?” He said instead, changing the subject.
Eddie cringed. “Absolutely not. Have - have you watched it?” He wasn’t sure if he wanted Buck to answer that, and he definitely was not sure what answer he wanted to hear.
Buck grinned, and leaned back, taking up space. “I mean, I saw the real thing. I think anything else would be a pale comparison.” His eyes sparkled, like they hadn’t done all evening, and Eddie felt his stomach swoop like he was on a rollercoaster. The Buck Effect. “Maybe eventually you’ll watch it,” Buck mused. “It’s enlightening to see yourself on the screen, especially after the editing process. I think I said this before but it’s like it isn’t even you, it’s some other person.”
“Sure, maybe,” Eddie snorted. “Or maybe I’ll look like a dickhead who thinks too much of himself.”
They laughed together, and the night drew to a close. After saying their goodbyes and Eddie left to go back home, feeling warm and content after spending quality time with Buck. He’s really becoming a real friend, and Eddie longed to include him more into his real life. There was no rule around it, not really, it just felt like too much of a breach of privacy while they were still contractually having sex with each other for money. Maybe, maybe once their contract is up he could just be friends with Buck, like a normal person. He could introduce him to Christopher, he could talk about going to the academy, his goals of being a LA firefighter. Maybe he could finally meet Buck’s coworkers, and actually find out what he did for a living.
It felt a bit, Eddie thought as he settled into his own bed, drifting to sleep, like a beautiful dream.
—
Camila blocked off four hours for the next shoot, on a random ass Thursday afternoon, and suddenly, Eddie didn’t have all that much time to prepare. He ended up going to google, via incognito tabs again, with his embarrassing questions. ‘What is rimming’ ‘how to do anal’ ‘how to find the prostate’ were all now, unfortunately, questions in his search history. (Of course, he fucking cleared his history and his cache and cookies, c’mon now. But still. He’d know.) In better news, the line of communication between him and Buck was now wide open, and Eddie was fielding several stupid to nonsensical memes a day from his friend as well as a litany of text messages that really just seemed to be random thoughts Buck had nowhere to put.
Why in god’s name do we need four hours for the next shoot? Eddie sent, after confirming the shoot schedule with Camila. Buck I’m scared 😨
In reply he got hahahahaha bring electrolytes 😉 from Buck and that did not make him feel any better. He hesitated for a moment, because Buck was surely at work but he really wanted to talk to Buck, and text just wasn’t going to cut it. He called him.
Buck answered on the second ring. “Don’t tell me, you need me to bring the electrolytes,” he teased.
“I think I can manage that. Can you talk for a second? Like, for real?” Eddie asked, swallowing around nothing. His mouth felt dry.
“Umm,” there was a pause, and then the sound of a door swishing open and closed. “Yeah, I mean I’m at work so if I hang up on you, it’s not your fault, I promise.”
“Look,” Eddie took a breath. “I need to make sure we have a plan for the next shoot. I’ve never — this is the most intimate I’ve ever been with a guy.” He paused, considering. “Well, actually every time with you is the most intimate I’ve ever been with a guy. But jerking off, kissing, those are in my wheelhouse you know. I’m - I’m fucking nervous about the next step Buck.”
”Well, I’m sure you’ll be great at receiving a blow job,” Buck’s words were playful, but his voice was low and soft, soothing again. ”I mean I know for a fact I’m good at giving ‘em.”
“Don’t be a dick,” Eddie grumbled, but it lacked any real heat. “You know what I’m nervous about. I want to make sure it’s - it’s good for you. I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to enjoy it.”
“Eddie,” Buck said slowly. It sounded like he was choosing his words very carefully. ”I don’t mean to sound like an asshole but part of the point of these shoots is that you don’t know what you’re doing. That’s what makes it so -“ he took a shaky breath in, ”-so compelling. That’s why they cast you. I want you to be you. I’ll enjoy it because it’s you.”
He felt like crawling out of skin. He rubbed his hand across his face and choked back the desire to demand Buck to tell him what he liked, how he liked it, what would make him happy. The desperate, gnawing ache inside of him was like a void that would only be filled when Buck was naked, gasping, rocking against him again. Eddie flushed, unable to find words to tell him that.
There was noise on the other end of the line, something that sounded like a shout of Buck’s name and other voices overlapping. ”Oh hey, I gotta go Eddie. You’re fine. You’ve been fine. More than fine, actually. Stop panicking,” Buck laughed softly, but it didn’t feel like he was making fun of Eddie.
“Sorry my gay porn panic is interrupting your day,” Eddie managed, angling for a joke. Unfortunately, it almost came out petulant. He cringed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that. You’re a good friend Buck. Thanks for always answering my calls.”
Buck was quiet for a moment, and the background noise got louder, closer. Eventually, he said, ”Of course Eddie. I’ll see you Thursday, yeah?”
“Yeah man, see you Thursday.”
Eddie was no closer to closure after that phone call than he was before it, and he felt like a fucking moron for even trying to reach for it.
—
Thursday rolled around quicker than Eddie had hoped. His stomach was in knots all day, filled with anxious anticipation, though he tried to act normal for Christopher’s sake.
“Hey you’re going to your cousin’s place today after school,” he told him as they got ready for the day. Christopher had a mouthful of toothpaste, so it wasn’t like he could really protest but he did stare at Eddie quizzically, shrugging his shoulders in a little ‘what for?’ gesture. This was the worst part, lying but trying not to lie to his own kid. Eddie shrugged right back, leaning against the sink. “I have to do something this afternoon. I’m not going to get you until after dinner, ok? It might be a little late - but I’ll pick you up tonight.”
Christopher spat into the bowl and rinsed off his toothbrush. “Is this about your new friend?” He asked curiously.
Eddie contemplated the answer. “Yes, sort of. We’re doing kind of a work project together.”
Chris perked up. “Is he a real firefighter?” Excitement lit up his eyes and even though ouch kid, that hurt a little, Eddie couldn’t help but melt at his son’s infectious energy. He swept him up in his arms, slinging him over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry.
“Oh, am I not a real firefighter?” He demanded, using his free hand to tickle Chris mercilessly.
Peals of high pitched laughter cascaded down Eddie’s back. “Not yet!” Chris shouted, gleefully stubborn even in the face of Eddie’s tickle attack. “But you will be, Dad. That will be so cool.”
“Yeah,” Eddie agreed warmly, feeling fond. “Yeah it will be so cool. No, my friend is not a firefighter. It’s a different kind of project,” he explained and hoped that would be enough to tide over his six year old son.
“Will I ever get to meet him?”
That was a question Eddie had been asking himself, to be honest. He wanted to introduce Buck to Christopher (he had the innate gut feeling that the two of them would get along like a house on fire), although he also felt insane for wanting to introduce his son and his porn scene partner to each other. Obviously Chris wouldn’t know about how and why they met - maybe it was too complicated. They’d have to lie about how they knew each other, and it was probably just easier to keep those parts of his life separate, for Chris’s well being. For his own mental health.
“Hmm, maybe buddy.” He said, setting his son down. “Ok, grab your bag, let’s go.”
Hours ticked by while he kept himself busy at the house before it was time to make his way to the studio. Nervous energy led him to completely reorganizing their Tupperware cabinet, cleaning out their fridge, and he even squeezed in a frenetic work out session in the garage with his free weights. Almost time. Eddie panted, swiping sweat off his brow and headed inside to clean up, trying hard not to obsess about what was going to take place over the next four hours.
—
“Eddie!” Buck bounded up as soon as Eddie got into the studio, looking particularly retriever-like with his eager expression. Eddie noticed his hair was damp. “Hey man! Are you excited for today?”
“Excited is not the word I would use,” he said morosely, ducking away from Buck’s shoulder punch. “Did you shower here, like just now?”
Buck gave him a look, like, ‘did he really have to explain himself’ kind of look. Eddie stared back, dumbly. “Uh, yeah. I had to get squeaky clean. You know. For the shoot?” He gestured up and down his own body and Eddie flushed, understanding rushing to him. Stupid, he thought to himself, trying not to think about Buck in the shower getting…ready.
“Right,” he said quickly, giggling nervously to himself. “Of course.”
Buck tilted his head, almost comically dog-like, but didn’t acknowledge Eddie’s awkwardness. Instead he leaned close, conspiratorially close and whispered into Eddie’s ear.
“Oh and I should warn you, Mike is in a wicked bad mood,” Buck jerked his thumb towards the set, where Mike was predictably fussing over the props, cameras, and lights. “Probably don’t take it personally. I think this trip he’s going on is like a family thing? Who knows. But I know my family brings out the worst in me.”
Mike whistled to them as if on cue, and beckoned them to come over. “Ok knuckleheads,” he said flatly, glaring at both of them. “This is how this is going to go. You,” he pointed at Eddie. “Up against the wall. You,” he jabbed his finger at Buck, almost threatening. “Approach and kneel. Like a good, good little whore.”
Eddie bristled. Somewhere he knew Mike was joking and he wasn’t actually calling Buck a whore, but still, it was the principle of it all. Alternatively, Buck seemed to perk up and preen at the slur, looking prideful.
“Commence blow job. Stay in those positions, but otherwise go ham. Fuck his face for all I care.”
“What, no foreplay?” Eddie asked sarcastically, putting one hand on his hip. Mike glared at him, even fiercer than before.
“The foreplay is implied, stupid. I know you guys will wrestle and kiss and do whatever you need to do to get all worked up but when it comes down to it, I’m talking about blocking right now and I need you finish here, in these spots. Buck,” Mike wheeled to turn to the other man. “I don’t care how the cum shot happens, okay? Like on your face, on your chest, in your mouth, but I need you to pause so I can get in there and get the shot.”
Eddie felt like he was going to melt into oblivion, he was so fucking mortified. Buck looked nonplussed, completely calm, nodding though frowning slightly.
“Mike, I’m not new here,” Buck said, lifting one brow. “I know what to do. And I can help Eddie, obviously.”
Their director barreled on, barely hearing him. “After that we will move the scene to the bed. Once again, do all the macking and flirting you want but when it comes down to it I need Buck to be on all fours on the bed and you behind him, Eddie. And, listen to me very carefully when I say this,” Mike leaned in, “you need to pull back some times so I can get my fucking camera in there.”
Buck snorted. “Why are you being such a dick today? Last time you were like, 'follow your instincts’ and today you’re being all bitchy and bossy.”
“Because, Buckley, last time you guys forgot I was in the fucking room. Don’t do that shit again.” He looked impatient. “Look, your video will be up sometime next week and you can see for yourself then, but for right now, for this shoot, you’re just going to have to take my word for it.”
The reality of the situation once again came crashing down around Eddie’s head. Their video, the video of them kissing and stripping and rutting against each other; the video of them jerking each other off and moaning into each other’s skin was going to be on the internet, on the website, live for people to pay to watch. Each time he remembered, it felt surreal. Each time, it felt like an invasion. He didn’t even want to think about his solo video, at the moment. How many views, how many comments, what viewers thought. ‘An introduction video,’ Camila had told him, ‘like introducing a new member of the team!’ As if he was a new Avenger.
He could vaguely hear Buck talking, but it sounded like he was far, far away, as far away as Eddie’s thoughts were. He tried to focus, tried not to just stare into the middle distance like a veteran with PTSD (except oh, oops, he was one of those.)
“I’m sure it’s still hot,” Buck was arguing with Mike, unable to give up the fight. His chin was jutted out petulantly, a hard line to his jaw.
Mike rolled his eyes. “Of course it’s hot, it’s two hot guys kissing and jerking each other off, I’m just saying some of it reads more like soft core porn of two teenagers making out on the couch. And we’re here to make explicit content.” He sniffed, pretentious. “And you guys should talk more to each other. I know there’s no script but like, talk dirty or whatever. Can you manage that?”
“Aye aye Captain,” Buck mumbled, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Eddie stayed silent. It wasn’t his place to backtalk the director, and he was feeling on considerably more unsteady footing than earlier. And the footing had been rocky then. Mike wheeled away in a huff, leaving them to themselves again.
“See? I told you. Wicked bad mood.”
“Do you think I fucked up?” The anxiety bubbled over, spilling out of him into words he threw at Buck. “Do you think the video is bad, and it’s my fault? That’s why he’s pissed.”
Buck’s scandalized face would be funny, if Eddie wasn’t so out of it. “Eddie, what? No! I’m sure it’s good. Mike’s an artist, he’s bitchy and a perfectionist and you’re gorgeous and sexy and there is no way you fucked up our video. If anything, it would be my fault because I’m the one with experience,” he insisted, reaching out to grip Eddie’s bicep firmly. His touch was steady and warm, grounding.
Then he smiled at Eddie, a mischievous, knowing grin. Usually that meant some kind of trouble for him, Eddie knew.
“You know what video isn’t bad? Your solo one.”
“You watched it?!” Eddie hissed, feeling betrayed. Buck only smiled wider, though he did have the good grace to look somewhat abashed, for at least a moment.
“How do you think I got ready for today? I had to get into the mood, didn’t I?” God, he was a flirt. His voice was low and soft again, almost cajoling in quality. Eddie felt heat rise to his cheeks, an unwelcome splash of color across his face.
“You’re a bad friend,” he said, not meaning it. And Buck laughed, because he knew it.
“Well, I’m a bad friend about to give you a very good blow job. And you need to start focusing on that,” his eyes were twinkling, joyful to be teasing Eddie again like this. He truly had a talent for playful banter, Eddie had to admit, and he never got tired of it either. It was like Eddie’s own personal hell with blue eyes, pink lips, and an endless tirade of sexy taunts. As he rolled his eyes and tried to find a suitable retort, Buck’s hand on his arm gentled and trailed up to land at the crook of Eddie’s neck. He quelled the shiver that wanted to pass through him, lifting his eyes to meet Buck’s gaze.
There was heat there, the sparkling playfulness not gone but changed, more intense. Eddie licked his lips and Buck mirrored him.
“I thought you said it would be a pale comparison,” Eddie said lowly.
“Still worth the watch,” Buck responded, his thumb lightly grazing over Eddie’s pulse in his throat, making his heart flutter. He wondered if Buck could feel it. “Even hotter to remember I was in the room during it.”
A smile ghosted over his lips, his gaze flicking down Eddie’s body appraisingly. “I kind of can’t wait to get my mouth on you,” Buck said, drawing closer like a cat twining itself around his legs. “I have since that first shoot. I’ve been looking forward to today,” his voice was so sincere and something in Eddie broke. Maybe it was his self control, maybe it was his nerves, but whatever broke released the flood of want he’d been holding in check, too scared to reveal.
“You’re unbelievable,” Eddie breathed, but even to his own ears he sounded more in awe than accusatory. “I’m going to enjoy putting you on your knees.”
Buck’s face went slack with want, a soft ‘oh’ puffing out from his lips. “There he is,” he whispered under his breath, more to himself than to Eddie. His eyes searched Eddie’s intently. Eddie didn’t know what he was looking for, or if he found it, but it was over by the time he caught it and Buck pulled back, breaking the moment.
“So what’s your drink of choice today?” Buck asked, jerking his head towards the buffet of snacks and drinks to the side, neatly organized by Camila earlier the day Eddie was sure.
“I think I’m going to stay sober today.” Eddie said. It hadn’t really been the plan, but he wanted to keep his head about him. And judging by the way his stomach had twisted and leapt at Buck’s gentle flirting, he didn’t think getting it up was going to be a problem.
If Buck was surprised, he didn’t show it. But he also didn’t make a move for the table to go get a drink for himself, confirming Eddie’s suspicions that Buck only took those shots before to help Eddie, to mirror him in order to comfort him. Buck didn’t need the liquid courage. Buck didn’t need the liquor to get him horny. He did it for Eddie. Something soft and sweet unfurled in his chest as Eddie as the realization hit. Fondness filled him, and all he wanted to do was reach out and gather Buck into his arm, bury his nose into his neck and kiss his way up his jaw and to his plush, generous mouth.
“Well then,” Buck licked his lips, like he knew what Eddie was thinking. “Are you ready to shoot?”
And there was that bright, gleaming smile. Crinkling up the corners of his eyes and nearly blinding him. Eddie thought he’d follow Buck into battle, actually, if he led him there with that smile.
“Let’s do it.”
—
It didn’t take long for Mike to get the cameras rolling and Eddie basically followed Buck onto set like he was being dragged on an invisible chain. The feelings won’t stop coming, rising and bubbling over inside of him, deep deep affection, desire, admiration. He felt tongue tied, heart eyed, stupid silly and all because Buck told him he wanted him, like a little bit maybe for real. It was like that tiny nod, that little bit of reciprocity allowed Eddie to want him too. And the want was pouring out of him, vibrating from his skin like static electricity. If Buck touched him it would shock them both.
Buck was saying something. Something flirty and semi-scripted about luring Eddie to the dark side, about how he keeps coming back for more. He’s gone into his on screen persona, a confidant, alluring siren on two legs beckoning Eddie into the scene. And he followed, diving head first into his lust. He tracked Buck to the back wall of the set and leaned him up against it, crowding him. Even though Buck had a couple inches on him Eddie had no problem leaning in to mouth at the junction of his neck and shoulder, making Buck slump slightly as if he’d triggered an off button.
“I can think of better things your mouth can do than just talk at me,” Eddie said when he pulled back, loud enough for the mics to pick up. He hoped it made sense in context. His mind was a blur, a haze, and his focus had narrowed to the man in front of him. The glistening trail of saliva Eddie had left on his neck drew his attention and he salivated at the sight, wanting to chase that line down, press harder with teeth, leave marks and bruises that would bloom overnight.
Buck’s hands reached for him, drawing him close again and closing the gap between them. Their mouths crushed together and Eddie pressed in, closer closer closer, feeling Buck open for him immediately. He relished in the warm wet of Buck’s mouth, Buck’s tongue, even moaned as his teeth drew harshly against his bottom lip, a cheeky bite from other man. Eddie grabbed at his hand and intertwined their fingers, pressing their hands against the wall to hold Buck still. Their bodies curved and Buck was whining, arching against him and panting against Eddie’s cheek. Kissing him felt amazing. He lost time in the trance of the rhythm of their lips pushing against each other, of the slow grind of their bodies as the heat built hotter, hotter, a fanning flame that threatened to engulf them both. Eddie thought deliriously of the academy, of all the rules and procedures he should do in case of fire.
He let go of their entwined hands to grasp desperately at his waist, hiking up his shirt to splay his fingers across Buck’s abs. There was a soft yearning whimper spilling out of one of them but Eddie couldn’t tell who was making what noise. It all got lost in the mingling of their bodies. His hands kept moving, pushing the shirt up and off of Buck’s body to expose more skin for Eddie to greedily devour. Fingers sank into his hair, tugging weakly as Eddie sucked a line of wet kisses down to Buck’s pink, pert nipple. The resulting gasp and writhe was worth it, and Buck’s fingers fisted more firmly into his hair, tugging now, demanding. He peeled Eddie’s mouth away from his chest, gasping and laughing in one breath.
“Eager,” Buck purred, and flipped their positions, hands sliding out of his hair and down his neck and waist, so Eddie was pushed up against the wall. Just as Mike had requested, he reminded himself, but that thought was far away and fuzzy. The wall was sturdy and solid behind him, grounding him as Buck grapples with his belt and buttons.
He let himself help, spreading his legs and shoving his pants down just past his ass to expose himself to Buck and, by extension, to the camera he could feel hovering. Sell it, sell it, sell it, he chanted to himself mentally and put his hands heavily on Buck’s shoulders.
“Knees, now.”
Buck dropped. His instant obedience and adoring gaze up Eddie’s body to meet his eyes made Eddie’s heart jump rapidly. His cock jumped too, not close enough to touch Buck’s face but he could feel his breath against the sensitive skin. Everything ached in the best way, like the luxurious stretch after a good gym session, and Eddie cradled Buck’s chin in his hand, swiping his thumb over Buck’s pink lips.
“So pretty,” he sighed, nearly delirious at the sight.
Buck’s fingertips pressed into the dips at his hip and his tongue came out to touch Eddie’s thumb teasingly. His eyelashes fluttered. Pretty didn’t even come close enough to describe what he looked like. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Eddie recognized that he shouldn’t be thinking this way. There was a box of unanswered questions on a shelf somewhere deep in the back of his mind. Questions that Eddie didn’t dare examine, questions about his life, his attraction, his relationship with Shannon. Questions that he’d have to answer if he wondered too hard about why he found Buck so irresistible with a 5 o’clock shadow and eyes blue like sun shining through a stream of water, and lips pink and plush and perfect for kissing and a cock that fit so well in Eddie’s hand. Eddie wasn’t ready for that. Instead he pressed his thumb into the warm wet cavern of Buck’s mouth, tracing his teeth with the tip. The other man patiently let him explore his mouth, laving and sucking intermittently on his digit as he rocked back on his heels.
“Can I suck your cock now?” He asked in a gravelly voice, when Eddie finally pulled his hand away. “You know I’ll make it good for you.”
Vaguely, Eddie remembered that Buck is supposed to be cajoling him into this, introducing him to the joys of gay sex. So he grunted and thrust his hips forward to touch the tip of leaking cock to Buck’s face.
“S’what I’m here for.”
It felt wrong to say that to Buck. If it was really them, them at lunch, them late at night on the phone talking about everything and nothing, them gossiping and flirting before the cameras rolled, Eddie would have made a joke and touched Buck reverently to ask for this. But this wasn’t them, this was some alternative universe Buck and Eddie performing for a faceless audience who wanted to see a ‘straight’ man cave to the undeniable sensuality of another man.
These layers just kept peeling away, and Eddie was afraid of what would be revealed at the end of this road.
Buck, to his credit, didn’t seem slighted at all. He hummed loudly and gripped the base of Eddie’s cock firmly in one hand. The steady touch made Eddie’s body clench, gritting his teeth and everything throbbed. Warm slick silk enveloped him and he couldn’t hold in the groan as Buck descended, his mouth giving generously to accommodate him.
He meant to stay gentle, he meant to let Buck work him and he’d lay back and take it, enjoy it, let it happen. But Buck’s tongue pressed up against the underside of his erection and his balls tightened and he gripped Buck’s curls as Buck’s nose brushed against his pubic hair.
“Fucking hell,” he whined, grinding his hips against Buck’s face. He could feel the back of his throat with the tip of his cock and it was making him dizzy. He couldn’t come this fast, Christ, they were making a film, so with the same hand that had guided Buck down he leveraged him off, shaking at the slide of his mouth.
Buck gasped for breath and giggled, pumping Eddie’s erection lazily with his hand as he smirked up at Eddie.
“Don’t get too eager,” he chastised with a raw, rasping voice, and sank his mouth back down again. His cheeks hallowed as he sucked hard, his tongue tracing the lip of Eddie’s cock head teasingly.
Eddie didn’t know how he was supposed to last like this. Maybe he should have taken the Viagra, he thought hysterically, just so he could come and stay fucking hard, they could fake through it like Buck wasn’t the hottest thing Eddie had ever seen, like just the picture of him on his knees gagging for it wasn’t all it took to make him double over in pleasure. He should quip something back, tell him something gruff and manly and porn-like to push the scene forward, but he was too busy focusing on not letting his brain melt into goo.
Apparently Buck wasn’t interested in making a film, he was interested in making Eddie come. He worked his mouth like a professional (which he kind of was) soft noises reverberating through Eddie’s body from the base of his cock up through his spine. Eddie let his head fall back and his hips cant forward as Buck let him fuck his mouth to the back of his throat. Spit gathered at the corners of his mouth, dripping down his bottom lip and along his chin and it should have been gross but the sloppier it got the more frantic and turned on Eddie became.
“Oh fuck, fuck, I’m going to come,” he warned, his voice an embarrassing, trembling mess. His vision went white and he arched against the wall as his orgasm flooded through him.
Buck pulled off with a soft wet sound, and Eddie watched through heavily lidded eyes as ropes of his own cum striped across his tongue into his open mouth. It was enough to make him hiss and squeeze around another pulse of pleasure, his knees going weak.
As promised, Buck stayed in position while Mike pressed in-between them with his camera to get a close up of Buck’s filthy, open mouth, proudly showing off his prize. Finally he backed off to get a sweeping shot of Buck swallowing in satisfaction and Eddie barely still upright, his chest heaving up and down as if he’d just run a marathon. Eddie thought he might call cut there, but the camera was still rolling so he grabbed Buck by the hand and hauled him upright to give him a long, open mouthed kiss. The tang of his own cum wasn’t nearly as off putting as he imagined and Buck’s quiet, pleased noises more than made up for it.
“Cut,” Mike said from the side. He gave them a vague thumbs up, though he didn’t smile. “Good work guys. Take a couple of minutes and I’ll set up at the bed with my next shots.”
Jesus. Eddie was going to need a minute.
He heard the cheerful jangle of his own belt, and realized that Buck was tucking him into his own pants and buttoning him up modestly. He swatted his hands away lazily, too boneless still from his orgasm to do much more than scowl at his partner.
“Thank you ‘mother’,” he grumbled. “I don’t need you to tuck me in.”
“Now now, we don’t do that sort of thing here,” Buck shook his finger in Eddie’s face. But he wasn’t totally back to himself. His voice had a low, raspy quality and there was still heat in his eyes. His cheeks were pink, his lips looked swollen. He still looked like - porn. Eddie wondered if he was hard in his pants, but he didn’t reach out to check. They weren’t filming any more, it wasn’t - it wasn’t allowed right now.
“Do you need anything before we go back on set?” He asked instead, feeling suddenly dehydrated.
“A water would be great,” Buck answered easily, and broke into a little cocky smile. “My throat is a little raw.”
Eddie flushed, flipping his middle finger up at Buck as he beat a hasty retreat to the drinks and snacks off set at the studio. The sweat he had worked up (just from being aroused, just from the heat from within) was drying on his bare chest and making his nipples pebble as his skin cooled down rapidly. For a moment he was self conscious, walking around the studio without a shirt on, his pants barely up over his hips and his belt not even buckled, but who was there to be self conscious in front of? Mike, who was filming him having sex, or Buck who he was having sex with? Eddie glanced over his shoulder, eyes scanning for his scene partner. He’d found a chair behind the camera and was sprawled out in it, head tipped back and legs out straight and spread wide. Eddie had the urge to crawl in-between in legs, to nuzzle along the inseam of his sweatpants and mouth the soft crotch to return the favor. He wasn’t thinking about the cameras, he wasn’t thinking about the paycheck, he just wanted.
Eddie shuddered, and turned around quickly. He grabbed two bottled waters off the table and fixed his fucking face, which he was sure looked - longing. He had been in the army too long to betray his emotions on his face, so he schooled his expression into something neutral and tossed the water bottle casually at Buck chest, startling him into opening his eyes.
“Drink, replenish, rehydrate,” Eddie coaxed and then surreptitiously nodded his head at Mike who was scowling at his camera angles. “Before we upset princess over there and he yells at us again.”
“I think we did alright!” Buck protested as he cracked the cap and tipped back his head to gulp down his water.
Eddie watched his throat work as he drained the 12 oz bottle in one go. If the footage from their scene looked half as pornographic as that just looked, they’d be in good shape and Mike wouldn’t have much to complain about. A rivulet of water had escaped Buck’s lips and drew a path down his chin, past his Adam’s apple, until it disappeared under the collar of Buck’s shirt, seeping into the cotton fabric. Eddie wanted to chase it with his tongue.
He took a sip of his own water instead. He hadn’t been this horny since he was seventeen and rucking Shannon’s skirts up around her hips between classes during high school, unable to slow down, unable to think straight, until they fell head first into teen pregnancy, a quickie marriage, and an Army enlistment. Strangely, he didn’t feel like running away this time.
“You were a star.”
Camila’s words from their first interaction rang in his head. And Buck was a star - he was the consummate professional, endlessly charismatic, effervescent on camera.
Buck beamed at him, and Eddie felt like he’d just stepped into bright sunlight.
“Why thank you. I couldn’t have done it without my hot co-star. And now it’s your turn to do all the work and make me look good.”
Won’t be hard when you already look good, was what Eddie would have said to him, if he was as sure of himself as Buck was. If he was as practiced, as casual.
A loud whistle cut through the air, and they both whipped their heads towards Mike who gestured at them.
“We’re set here - there’s lube and towels on bed. You both should strip before you start the scene. And I wouldn’t mind a bit more dirty talk,” he directed, pointedly.
“I told you,” Eddie stage whispered at Buck. “Already receiving criticism.”
Buck smacked his shoulder lightly. “Receiving direction, Diaz. You can follow direction, can’t you? Because I know I can.” His smile was devilish, competitive, and fucking obnoxious. Eddie was stricken with the urge to get him gasping and begging, to wipe that smug smile off his face and show him exactly what Buck was doing to him, what Buck was turning him into.
“Are you this annoying to all your coworkers, or just me?” He drawled sarcastically.
“Just you.” A pause. “Well, actually—“
Mike cut him off, looking tremendously unimpressed with them. “When you’re both ready.”
—
It didn’t take them long to strip and pile their clothes together in a jumble on a chair. The cameras began rolling and Eddie took a breath to channel his feelings into the scene. He wanted to show Buck that he was in this 100%, he wasn’t just some bystander. He could make Buck see stars and he wasn’t unaffected by their time together. He wanted to leave - a mark, he supposed, though not necessarily a physical one. Just like he was beginning to feel Buck was leaving a mark on him, a stain on his soul that he didn’t think would wash out easily.
So he wasted no time. Pushing Buck onto set and into frame he grasped the taller man’s neck to lean him down and kiss him properly. His other hand gripped Buck’s hip, maneuvering him backwards until their knees hit the bed. The world went soft and hazy again, as it was often doing whenever he kissed his friend, but as they tumbled down onto the bed together, Buck sprawled beneath him, he felt his senses sharpen again. Buck was broad and thick underneath him, a long buffet of skin and sinew for Eddie to feast upon. It was as if he could read his mind, because Buck reached up and stretched his arms above his head, languishing under Eddie’s attention, their bodies pressing together like puzzle pieces. Eddie could have used their whole time slot just kissing and touching Buck, drawing sweet, low, aroused sounds from his mouth - but he had a mission. Not just to get Buck to perform, not just to perform himself, but really draw something real from his partner, to shatter him as Eddie has felt shattered.
So he reared back, sitting comfortably astride Buck’s powerful thighs.
“Do you know where you belong?” His voice was strange to his own ears, a deadly threat laced in with heat and arousal, daring Buck to get the answer wrong.
“Tell me,” Buck breathed. His pupils were blown wide, the blue almost completely engulfed by black.
“On your hands and knees,” and it wasn’t a request. It was a demand. Eddie crawled off of him just enough so he could flip Buck over and encourage him onto his hands and knees, slapping his thigh tenderly. Buck yelped, a gasping laugh following.
“So bossy,” Buck murmured, and arched like a cat. “So now what?”
Eddie stared. He left room between them so the camera could capture exactly what Buck looked like, the picture he made. He reached out and stroked the swell of Buck’s ass, keeping his touch feather light and teasing. Then he pressed his body back into position, nearly covering all of Buck with himself, leaning over so his hard cock slotted against Buck’s ass. His hips jerked helplessly and Buck inhaled sharply.
“Now I will drive all the words from your head.” Eddie nuzzled against Buck’s ear, letting his teeth catch the edge and trace it with his tongue. “You have entirely too much to say.”
“I’ll believe it - ah - when I see it,” Buck insisted, stubbornly. But Eddie felt his breaths quicken, could feel his pulse get faster as he kissed down his neck, down his back. His body shivered underneath his ministrations and Eddie glowed, sinking into that place that wanted to please. He let his kisses get wetter until he reached the small of Buck’s back, and then he ran his hands up both of his thighs, his thumbs converging to spread Buck open for him.
Buck groaned, burying his face in his folded arms on the bed.
“Don’t you dare hide your face,” Eddie admonished, and let his tongue follow Buck’s spine down until it disappeared into the crack of his ass. He took his time, making sure to pull back so the camera could see Buck’s hole wet and shiny from his own spit before he put his face back down and went to work.
It wasn’t like going down on a woman. And as terrified as he had been to do this, to take this step, all fears were chased away by the steadfast determination to make Buck feel good and he knew that this could make Buck feel very good. So he followed his instincts and licked a long stripe against the soft and pliant flesh, and he was rewarded with a strangled sound and Buck’s hips rutting back against him. Encouraged, he continued, falling into a rhythm of stroking and teasing with his mouth, lips, and tongue, getting brave enough to stiffen his tongue and lightly tease penetration. Everything was wet and soft and warm, and Eddie felt - hungry as he continued.
“Fuck,” Buck moaned, “fuck fuck fuck.” His muscles squeezed and Eddie had to hold him firmly, addicted to the way his body was responded. Buck tasted like skin and sweat and musk, kind of manly but clean. Every time he rocked back on Eddie’s face there was a sweeping, uncontrollable roil of desire from deep within him. He pulled back, and admired his work, carefully stroking the now-wet and desperate hole.
“How are those words?” Eddie asked. He pressed his thumb into the rim, watched as it was accepted easily.
There was no answer. Or rather, there was no answer in words. Buck whined and pushed back like a creature in heat, drawing Eddie deeper inside of him. As he watched it stretch and swallow his thumb, something snapped inside of him. He bit back a whine of his own and fumbled around Buck’s waist, grasping for his erection. He was blindingly hard, leaking immediately into Eddie’s hand and the sound he made was one of a wounded animal seeking relief. Eddie’s own cock echoed the sentiment, jerking against his own stomach and smearing a wet shine of pre-cum on his abs.
“I’m going to take care of you,” Eddie soothed, tightening his grip and giving Buck a cursory stroke. Buck’s entire body shook and Eddie marveled at it - this vessel was his to play with for the moment.
He reached for the lube on the bedside next to them, generously coating his fingers. His heart was in his throat. For a moment he paused and leant down to kiss Buck’s ribcage, pressing his face into his body to hear and feel the hammering of the other man’s heart in tandem with his own. Then he sat back, leaving enough space for the camera as he spread Buck wide again.
His fingers sank in slowly, and his chest felt like it was going to explode. This was nothing like fingering a woman, he thought desperately, shocked at the intensity of the heat and warmth he felt as Buck opened for him. He worked one finger gently, torn between watching what he was doing and watching Buck’s face. Buck’s face won over, and he stared in abject wonder at the expression of desperate, clawing want scrawled all over him. Eddie was sure his own face looked the same, a mirror image. He pressed another finger in and Buck sobbed, shifting back until he was fucking himself on Eddie’s fingers and all Eddie had to do after a few minutes was curl his knuckles gently and he wailed.
“Come on,” Eddie said softly, almost unaware he was talking. He didn’t think he had ever been harder. He didn’t think he’d ever wanted to fuck someone so badly. His mind was like a web of sticky traps, each thread tying him ever closer to Buck. “Come for me.”
He moved his hand faster, stretching, pushing, fucking Buck with his fingers and Buck convulsed against him, wet with sweat. He shone under the warm studio lights, and Eddie was consumed with he desire to get him to come untouched. Just from his fingers. Possessiveness flooded him as Buck drew nearer and nearer, unintelligible nonsense babbling from his mouth as he begged for release.
“You can do it,” Eddie continued, and pushed a third finger in, demanding the space, demanding Buck accept it. His mouth kept filling, and filling with saliva, literally salivating over the idea of fucking this man.
“Please,” Buck cried, and it was the word that broke Eddie every time. He pressed in insistently, crooked his fingers and waited. Buck’s body shook, and kept shaking and his voice was a keening cry as he came apart on Eddie’s fingers.
He collapsed to the bed and Eddie pulled free, but as if he was possessed, he hovered over him and grasped his erection with his slick hand. He was still slippery with lube, the fingers that had just been pressing into Buck wrapping around his hardness and he clenched his teeth as he jerked himself off over Buck back. Desire swamped him, taking over, and the low punch of arousal now held him by the throat as he gasped and came, again, along Buck’s ass and lower back. Like a puppet with his strings cut, Eddie slumped to the side, wrapping one hand possessively over Buck’s thigh as he panted, coming back to himself.
“Well,” Mike said. He sounded very far away. “I guess that’s a wrap.”
—
They go to sushi afterwards. Eddie still didn’t feel right in his skin; it’s like he was a damp towel, wrung out after being sopping wet and now he’s laid out in this restaurant sitting across from Evan Buckley once again as he’s left to dry. Eddie ordered a California roll because it looked the least intimidating, and Buck ordered three different rolls because he couldn’t decide between them.
“You can try some of mine,” Buck offered graciously. “Good way to find out what you like without having to commit.” And even though he was talking about sushi, Eddie couldn’t help but feel like he was talking about them. Like Buck was saying Try me, do you like it? Do you want more? and Eddie’s body, empty and craving couldn’t help but curve towards him, drawn in by gravity, like Buck was the fucking sun and Eddie was orbiting him like a planet.
He didn’t feel normal. He hadn’t felt normal in weeks.
Buck’s hair was still damp from the shower he had taken after their shoot had wrapped. He had laid there on the mattress for a good five minutes until he had groaned, laughing and rolled onto his back.
(“I’m all sticky, you dick.” He said accusingly to Eddie. He looked like a boneless corpse, splayed out like that.
“Is that not the point?” Mike had said, rolling his eyes.
“Well it wasn’t part of the plan, exactly!” Buck shouted back petulantly, but he wasn’t angry. He was loose, relaxed - he almost looked dazed. Eddie had fought the urge to ask how it was, stuffing away his need to be good. It was good. He didn’t need to be told. It was plenty good. But he craved Buck’s validation anyway.)
He always had curly hair after a shower, the natural texture revealed after being tamed with product. It reminded Eddie of Christopher’s hair in the morning, all mussed and messy, curling around his ears and forehead. It made Buck look endearing. Or maybe that was just the dopamine, sending warm fond feelings through electrical impulses in Eddie’s brain. He could even forgive the way Buck was stuffing his face with his food.
He moaned around his food, and Eddie had to cover his smirk.
“What? I’m starving, aren’t you starving?” Buck mumbled through his mouthful.
“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Eddie scolded. He shrugged his shoulders. “Honestly I’m just tired. I could have gone right to sleep after all that.”
Buck chewed thoughtfully, idly twirling his chopsticks. Eddie was pretty impressed he could use them with relative ease - he had to shamefully ask for a fork for his own plate of food.
“So I take it you’re not a cuddler.”
“Just not on camera, Buck,” he corrected. “You weren’t exactly snuggling up to me either.”
Buck snorted. “Yeah, ‘cause my brain was a puddle.” He looked suspiciously at Eddie, eyebrows quirking. “You seemed entirely too good at that for it to have been your first time.”
“Not sure if I should take that as a compliment or an insult.”
Eddie wanted to be normal about it. He didn’t want to feel this furl of warmth and affection whenever Buck looked at him. The truth was he did want to cuddle Buck. Laying next to him on the bed on the set, despite the sweat and the cum drying on him, Eddie had wanted to wrap his arms around Buck, bury his face into his neck and hold him. He wanted to murmur praises against his skin, wanted to lay there until neither of them could take it any longer, until they showered together, soaping each other up, exchanging lazy kisses.
His brain was fucked. He wasn’t dating Buck, he wasn’t gay, and this was all temporary. Contract driven, in fact. He was just doing this to pay his rent for the next few months. He was just trying to provide for his kid, he wasn’t trying to fulfill some broken part inside of him.
“Of course it’s a compliment, don’t be stupid Eddie.” Buck scoffed. “You made good on your promise to ‘drive the words from my head’ and, as you know, it is very difficult to shut me up.”
He flushed and chewed his avocado and rice slowly, making a point of swallowing his food before attempting a self-deprecating rebuttal.
“I think that had less to do with my skill and more to do with you being celibate for…what, two weeks? A little longer? I have no competition, I’m the best you’re getting right now. The odds are in my favor.” He grinned at Buck, expecting his friend to roll his eyes or flush in embarrassment over his social faux pas of the past few months. But Buck looked away and he seemed - unsure. He fiddled with his paper napkin, shredding the corner into small pieces that piled up messily.
“I actually met someone.” Buck said quietly.
Eddie stilled.
“By stealing your work property again or what?” He meant for it come out teasing, but his voice felt tight.
Buck’s laugh sounded a little stilted, embarrassed maybe. “No, no. Not like that, I’m done with that. But we did sort of meet through work. I meant, she doesn’t work with me but our jobs are kind of intertwined.” His fingers interlocked and wiggled together to show Eddie what he meant by intertwined, but Eddie knew. Eddie knew because an hour ago they were intertwined with each other, sunken into each other’s hollow spots, filling in the gaps between them.
“We’ve just been talking on the phone. My idea, you know, because my problems with intimacy.”
Buck’s lips pressed against his skin. Buck’s mouth wrapped his cock. Buck’s body opening eagerly for him, welcoming him. What intimacy issues? Eddie felt his stomach twist and roil. He wasn’t hungry any more.
Buck took another bite of his sushi and hummed happily - he seemed to love any and all kinds of food. And Eddie knew this is where he should fill in the silence, ask a question, press Buck to keep sharing. Be a good friend. Be a casual coworker. But instead he wondered when Buck had time to talk to this woman on the phone when it seemed like his free time was spent either at work or talking on the phone to Eddie. Or fucking Eddie. He cleared his throat.
“So what is she like?” He forced the words out.
Buck smiled bashfully. “She’s calm. She’s so smart. She really cares about people, like a lot. She takes care of her mother who has dementia - I think she has dementia. But we haven’t actually met yet. Like not in person. I don’t even know what she looks like, I just know she’s really nice to talk to.”
Eddie felt like his grip on reality was slipping. As he stared at Buck gushing about his maybe made up new girl crush, some woman on the other end of the phone, all he could see was Buck writhing and gasping, riding his fingers, moaning into the bed and coming all over himself because of Eddie. A muscle in his jaw twitched.
“Do you plan on meeting her?” He should just go. He should excuse himself, he had to go pick up his son, why was he even here with Buck? Just because they had made a tradition of getting food together after doing shoots, it shouldn’t take priority over his real life. Buck clearly didn’t prioritize the job over his real life, he was still chasing down women to date despite getting finger-fucked on camera for money.
Resentment and jealousy tasted bitter in his mouth.
“Uhh,” Buck hesitated. His face screwed up in confusion, clearly sensing the shift in tone from Eddie. “I mean yeah, eventually. We’re taking it slow. Nothing serious.” His eyes searched Eddie’s carefully, and Eddie hated how earnest he looked. “Are you okay? You look - tired.”
“I told you I was exhausted,” Eddie snapped, and immediately stifled a groan of regret when Buck flinched back like he was hit with Eddie’s words. “I just - I have to go meet some family after this. I should probably get going. Can I just send you some money later for the bill?”
The air felt thin between them. Buck’s shoulders were slumped and all the light had drained from him, leaving him half in shadow in the restaurant’s dim lighting. His throat tightened, like a vice, and maybe he’d showed his hand too much, maybe his mood was too obvious, it was too much that he was jealous over a woman that Buck hadn’t even met yet.
But Buck mustered a vague smile and nodded. “Yeah, of course. Do - do you want to take your leftovers?” He gestured vaguely at Eddie’s picked at plate. Eddie just shook his head and pushed away from the table, standing quickly. Panic was flooding him, and the need to run away pulsed through him. Run away from this conversation, run away from Buck, run away from these abhorrent, intense feelings.
“Thanks for dinner. I - um…good job today. I’ll talk to you later.” Then he bolted from the table and outside to find his car. Running from his feelings like a coward. Where was his courage from earlier?
At this point he couldn’t get to his family and Chris fast enough, anything to get his mind off of the highs and lows of the past few hours.
—
Eddie dreamed of Buck. Not just Buck, and nothing sexual. They were out to eat, as usual. Frozen yogurt this time, and Christopher was there. Dream Buck was telling Christopher about opossums, about how cool they are as creatures.
“They’re not really scary,” Buck told him, between bites of froyo. “They eat ticks and they are resistant to lyme disease and rabies. It’s because their body temperature is too low for those diseases to thrive. Isn’t that cool?!”
Dream Christopher giggled and insisted Buck pull up pictures of opossums on his phone.
“They look scary!” He squealed when confronted with their toothy, lipless smile and beady eyes.
“No, no! Look, they’re sweet. They’re shy. They’re good parents, they like to carry their babies on their backs when they travel. Just like how your dad gives you piggy back rides.”
Dream Buck looked at Eddie and smiled, bright and happy. Eddie was filled with adoration, watching them interact. He was content. The dream shifted, and suddenly they were all in Eddie’s house, on the couch. He blinked at the change of scenery, but it made perfect sense. Of course they would be here, where else would they go together?
“Ha! I’m winning!” Christopher crowed, sat between them on the couch. They were playing MarioKart, Eddie realized. He even had a controller in his hands.
“You’re cheating!” Buck whined, and elbowed Chris gently, as if to make him drop his controller. “Get your son under control Eddie!”
A six year old really shouldn’t be winning against them, he thought to himself. But the thought was slow, heavy, like he was thinking through molasses. It didn’t matter. What mattered was the three of them here on the couch, all touching shoulders and sharing time together. Time passed quickly in the dream, like he hit the fast forward button. Suddenly he turned, and Christopher was slumped over asleep. Buck maneuvered himself so he could carry the boy in his arms and Eddie watched, silently. It was like he couldn’t speak, only observe. So when Buck bent down, with his son in his arms, and kissed Eddie chastely on the mouth, he didn’t say anything, just leaned up into it, the slide of their lips familiar and comforting.
“I’ll go put him to sleep,” Buck murmured against his mouth, and Eddie hummed, warmth spreading from his chest to his extremities, filling him up head to toe to fingertips.
“But he’s already asleep?” Eddie’s voice came from nowhere. From his own mind. He was startled by the sound.
Buck’s face was quizzical, but amused. “Aren’t you asleep?”
He jerked awake, feeling Buck’s phantom lips brushing against his own as he fought the gossamer of sleep to rejoin the waking world. As his eyes readjusted to the real world, he found he’d woken up fifteen minutes before his alarm was set to go off. He sighed and switched off the alarm. No use trying to chase sleep now, then, to try and follow his dream for a few minutes more.
It had been a few days since the shoot, since their interrupted sushi dinner. (Since Eddie had bolted away from Buck in a panic, fighting unearned jealousy.) He hadn’t avoided Buck completely, he’d learned from the last time that it would only lead to worse, more confusing feelings, so he made sure to text Buck after he’d collected Chris and returned home, just thanking him for dinner, letting him know he was home safe, and sending him some money to cover the cost of his portion of dinner. It seemed to soothe the awkwardness, because Buck had responded as cheerfully as always and they had kept their text chain of memes and wikipedia articles going over the last few days. Maybe he dodged a bullet.
The bullet being, of course, Buck realizing that Eddie had a stupid fucking crush on him.
It was no use denying it. He hadn’t recognized it first - probably because he wasn’t fourteen any more and that was the last time he’d had a proper crush on anyone. At fourteen years old Shannon had long legs and tanned arms, and long wavy hair. Eddie remembered feeling sick anytime someone else made her laugh - she had the cutest laugh in the world, a giggle that would spread into a boisterous peal of laughter - and he ached and clenched when she leveled her gaze at him and felt like bursting with joy when she smiled at him. They were friends. They were friends for three years before he made a move. And then - well, Texas sex education wasn’t the best, coupled with his Catholic upbringing and he was faced with marrying his first crush and raising their son together, a duty he shouldered with stoic intensity.
As always, when Eddie thought about Shannon, guilt crashed down on him like an anvil. He had spent years being so afraid of being alone with her and their son that he threw himself into an actual war to avoid it, and when he finally returned she rewarded him by throwing it all back into his face. But she was right. He had been running from them - running away from being a husband to her and a father to Christopher. On leave and in between tours he didn’t know how to be a dad, holding a squalling, uncomfortable baby who only wanted comfort from his mother. He didn’t know how to be a husband, trying and failing to love her in the ways she needed, constant arguments, fights, intimacy being one of the only ways they felt like they could connect. Eddie remembered feeling like he didn’t fit - like he wasn’t meant to be there. They didn’t need him there in their lives, but God he was needed on the battlefield. Tending to his team, having their backs. Bringing them home.
But when he came home, he returned to a child who loved him but barely knew him and his wife at her breaking point, fleeing them both. He had to learn quickly how to slot himself into Christopher’s life and how to be a dad, struggling through the loneliness and the PTSD - the guilt, the endless, roiling guilt and shame that morphed into anger and resentment. Strangely - or perhaps not so strange - the only thing that could pull him out of his self-loathing and anger was Christopher. He learned how to be a dad. He learned how to play pretend, he learned how to make reading fun, he learned how to put his foot down about bed time, and he learned when to bend the rules. He learned that Christopher was resilient and he learned how to stop hovering. He learned he had to be grateful for his kid and move on. And he did - to an extent.
Eddie had gone over it a million times in his mind, and even though he knew they were both at fault, he never stopped blaming himself. If only he had been there, if only he hadn’t been a coward. If only he had followed his father’s advice and joined Ramon’s company - though, upon reflection, it was unlikely he would have any more time with Shannon and Chris if he had adopted his dad’s schedule.
He rubbed a hand over his face and rolled over in bed, feeling like the anvil of guilt was still weighing him down. Haunted by his estranged wife, dreaming about his coworker, all because he wanted to provide a better life for his son. Eddie glanced at the clock - he certainly wasn’t early any more.
—
Sweat rolled down Eddie’s neck and back and he longed for the cold shower that was waiting for him at home. It was a warm day in LA, even for LA, and they had been doing drills in their full kit today during training. He probably could have showered at the academy, but he’d rather just get home blasting the air conditioning in his car and have a few minutes of peace and quiet at home before he had to go get Chris. As soon as he walked through the door, his phone pinged. Not a text though, he saw as he glanced at the screen, an email notification from Camila.
Subject: Shooting Break
“Hi Mr. Diaz! Just wanted to remind you that we are taking a two week break from any film shoots while Mr. Weir is out of town so please enjoy your time off. I will email you again at the end of the two weeks to schedule our final shoot of the contract.
Also wanted to inform you your second video, your first partner scene with Mr. Buckley has gone live on the website. Congratulations! Please follow the link attached if you would like to review your work. Have a wonderful break!”
The blue hyperlink seemed to burn off the phone screen at him, placed just above her very professional and organized email signature. Eddie hesitated. He still hadn’t watched the first video - too embarrassed, too exposed by being alone in the camera’s gaze. It felt too narcissistic to watch himself perform. But this video was…with Buck. And that was temptation enough.
The link took him to the log in (Eddie had to reference an old email from Camila just to recall his employee username and password) and then it started to auto play. The title was something horrifically embarrassing like ‘Straight Guy hooks up with a MAN for the first time!’ and Eddie nearly lost his nerve as he cringed away from the screen. He saw himself sprawled on the couch, looking - well, looking kind of douchey, he admitted to himself. Maybe that was the point. Buck entered the frame and Eddie’s attention focused, watching him approach, hearing himself speak, watching Buck climb into his lap comfortably.
His cheeks were on fire. The scene unfolded as he remembered, but through Mike’s camera he saw their interactions differently, able to watch from the audience as his own hands clutched and pawed at Buck, his own face go from wary interest to earnest desire, watched the desperation grow in his expression, his body language, his very being. They twined together on the video, Buck’s hands brushing along his skin, helping him out of his jeans, and Eddie’s body reacted to the memory of that touch. He couldn’t help it, growing harder in his pants as he helplessly watched himself keen and yearn under Buck’s ministration. Buck was so kind, Eddie could see it plainly here even through the guise of Buck playing seductress. The slow pause in their rutting when Eddie knew Buck had whispered the question against his neck (“Are you okay?”), the soothing touches down his arms, his chest, not all sexual, not all for the camera. For a moment, they were just a blur of naked skin pressed against naked skin, their mouths meeting over and over again as their bodies slotted against each other. And, for a moment, Eddie understood why Mike was angry with them. It did read as soft core romance, at least until Buck had the forethought to stretch away and peel themselves apart.
Eddie’s breath caught in his throat. Everything in the video intensified when he flipped Buck over, grinding against him, holding him down. He looked possessed, single minded in his goal of touching Buck, in getting him off. And Buck’s body, gleaming in the warm golden light that bathed the set, arched and writhed in ecstasy. Everything inside him squeezed with emotion, and he ached as he watched himself be kissed and coaxed through his own orgasm.
With shaky fingers, he clicked away from the video. The sweat on his body had cooled but his body still felt hot, and his cold shower he still had yet to take was going to have to solve two problems now. He didn’t even glance at the amount of views or comments that had been left on it - he still wasn’t ready to confront the actual audience that he and Buck were serving. Instead he closed his eyes and breathed through the tightness in his chest, feeling like his lungs were constricted. He wasn’t…ashamed. It didn’t quite feel like that. He felt - embarrassed. Not necessarily embarrassed of the actions, or even embarrassed to be selling his body through sex work although he was still uncomfortable around that idea. He was embarrassed by what he could see clearly, that the care and adoration he held for Buck was being so plainly conveyed even in a scene where he was supposed to be another character. It was embarrassing to be such a poor actor. It was embarrassing to have these feelings after just a few short months of knowing each other, but Eddie knew himself. When he fell, he fell hard.
And now he had two weeks to pretend to be normal, to pretend not to be in love with Evan Buckley, all while he prepared for the last shoot and possibly his last contact with Buck once the contract was finished.
—
He didn’t avoid contact with Buck. He was determined to keep things as usual, casual, friendly, normal. He’d survive these next few weeks until the shoot and he’d come to terms with moving on and Buck would never have to be the wiser. Maybe he’d think back on their partnership fondly, wonder what Eddie was up to after the contract expired but Eddie knew he had busy, fulfilling life outside their relationship and he’d move on quickly. LA was a big place, but maybe they’d even run into each other every now and then, maybe they could get coffee, catch up.
That was probably a fantasy. But Eddie would cling to it.
Did you get the email? What are you going to do with two weeks without me? He had sent it after he got out of the shower, hair still dripping wet. Buck loved when he teased him, and since Eddie had limited time with him he knew he’d do anything to make Buck happy with the time they had left together.
The reply was almost instant. !!! It will not be two weeks without you! Just two weeks without shooting. I still want to take you to the Indian place downtown.
Eddie shook his head fondly. You are obsessed with food.
My love language is feeding people I guess. 😋 Really, Buck’s love language was just service in general. Being helpful, being useful. He was warm, he was caring, he was open and thoughtful. Of course Eddie fell in love with him.
Well we’ll have to find a time then. He wouldn’t act desperate. Stay cool.
Buck called him and Eddie answered on the first ring - staying cool was harder than anticipated, he thought to himself wryly.
”What’s your schedule like?” Buck asked, not bothering to say hello.
“Pretty normal, my evenings will be open. Maybe a few lunch times, if that’s more your speed.”
Buck hummed - he seemed distracted. ”Lunch might be better, later this week. I’ve got this work event thing - Chimney is coming back to work, can you believe that? Guy gets a half inch thick piece of rebar through his skull and he’s back to work like nothing happened. It’s unbelievable. Anyway we’re throwing him a little party.”
“Wow. Seems like he healed up pretty quick.”
”The doctor cleared him so I guess he’s back. It’s has been weird not having him around,” Buck admitted. ”But I feel like I got to do some interesting stuff while he was out, so it wasn’t all bad. Got some difference experience, stuff like that.”
Eddie waited. There was more to this than just Buck rambling about work to him. He had the same feeling as when Buck called him in a panic when he had lost his job - a tremor of tension and a sinking stomach.
”I - I actually met up with Abby, you know that woman I was telling you about? Her mother - she has dementia - she went missing and she didn’t know who else to call. Thankfully we found her.” He was being cautious. Understandably so, Eddie thought, recalling his behavior the last time they talked about Abby.
“Oh yeah?” He kept his voice light. “Was the chemistry there in person?”
”It’s not like it was date, she was pretty stressed about her mom, but - yeah. She’s beautiful, caring - intelligent. I think - I think I am going to take her on a proper date.”
“Like out to dinner? Sounds like you, Buck,” Eddie fought the tremble in his voice. He didn’t own Buck and Buck didn’t know about his feelings. He’d enjoy the time they had left and let him go.
”I invited her to Chim’s welcome back party at work,” He sighed. ”Baby steps right?”
“You’re introducing her to your coworkers, your friends - these are like the most important people to you Buck. Is it really a baby step? Is it really not a date?”
”Yeah but they kind of already know her. You know, our jobs are sort of intersectional so some of them have met her before. I just feel nervous - I don’t want to fuck it up.” The ‘like I have before’ went unsaid.
“Ok well you should probably take her on a real date. Like get dressed up, go to a nice dinner, nice conversation, and don’t talk about work.” He really couldn’t believe he was giving Buck dating advice right now. He glanced at the calendar that he always had up in the kitchen, full of Chris’s appointments and his academy shifts. “Hey - Valentine’s day is coming up. Are you going to do anything with her then?”
”Isn’t that kind of - serious?” Buck yelped.
Eddie chuckled. “Buck, she’s a woman. If you don’t do anything on Valentine’s day she’s going to think you don’t like her. You better work fast, reservations in this city don’t wait for last minute men.”
Buck groaned, sounding pained. ”I guess I should get to it. Thanks Eddie, I’ll text you about lunch later this week.”
The week seemed to fly by in a blur. Training at the academy was getting more real and intense he felt - they were upping the difficulty of their simulations and he had more studying to do for the written exam. He felt like graduation was right around the corner (though in reality, there were still months to go), and then he’d be getting assigned to a real fire station. He and Buck scheduled lunch for the day after Valentine’s Day, Eddie gently teasing that he would want to hear all the details of Buck’s date with Abby (even though he felt like he was dying inside.)
He spent his evenings helping Christopher with this ‘new math’ bullshit that made him want to rip out his hair and trying to make meals that were both healthy and tasty to a six year old - not a possible task as far as he was concerned. He tried not to think about Buck, or their videos that were already shot, and he really tried not to think about the one that was yet to come. Eddie wasn’t sure if he could maintain his air of cool when he finally saw Buck again, in that capacity at least. Lunch should be fine - lunch should be easy. He could compartmentalize the lovesick part of his brain and just think of Buck as his bro - his could do that for an hour over some curry. But in a room where they’re both naked on a bed and when Buck makes him feel like they’re the only two people in there (despite very definitely not being alone together) - well, Eddie can’t be sure his feelings won’t bubble over and bleed all over the two of them in front of the camera. He’s determined to not cross that bridge until he’s on the precipice of it though, so he firmly shoved his desperate, yearning woes to the back corner of his heart and refused to examine them again.
Valentine’s Day rolled around quickly. He’d taken Chris to four different stores trying to find appropriate candies and notes to give to 25 first graders and of course he had left it to the night before so everywhere was out of stock. They had persevered however, and celebrated with fast food and a movie night. It wasn’t like the kids were going to be learning anything the next day anyway, too hyped up on candy and chocolate for a holiday they couldn’t even understand, so Eddie didn’t feel too bad about letting Christopher stay up a little later than usual.
He made sure to walk him all the way into class, toting his bag of Valentine’s treats for the class to distribute. Eddie couldn’t help but melt as Christopher beamed at his teacher and classmates, immediately jumping into the story of their mighty quest to retrieve candy for everyone. No matter the lengths he had to go to or the hills he had to climb, Eddie would never regret his son. Not once. Not ever.
“Seems like you will have your hands full,” he commented to Chris’ teachers as the kids seemed to zoom around the room with excited, vibrating energy.
She smiled wryly at him. “Honestly, it will be worse for you parents when they get home and crash from the candy and excitement. Enjoy your peace while it lasts,” she hissed in faux menace, and then laughed cheerfully, the perfect image of elementary school teacher bliss.
His face dropped. Shit, that was probably true. So after he swept Chris into a bear hug and kissed his squirming son goodbye, he beat a hasty retreat to take her advice and go about his day before he had to come back and collect whatever monster Valentine’s Day would turn his son into.
He didn’t have time to think or worry about Buck on his date, between focusing on his ‘peace’ during the day and dealing with a hyperactive (and then very much melting down) Christopher after school. Dinner, bath, and bedtime were all a struggle, and by the time Eddie collapsed into bed himself he couldn’t even be bothered to text Buck to see how the date would go. Eh, he probably wanted his privacy for tonight anyway. He’d see him tomorrow at their lunch and get the details then, whether he wanted them or not.
Eddie didn’t have any dreams that night.
—
The restaurant was warm and cozy, and Eddie had been seated in a small corner table while he waited for Buck to get there. He’d shown extreme restraint, he thought, not texting Buck last night or that morning, trying hard not to be the clingy friend. But it was fifteen minutes past their lunch date time and Eddie could feel his anxiety rising. Buck was rarely late to the things they planned, even with the unpredictable traffic in the city. Maybe he was still on his way.
A few minutes later, Eddie sent a quick “Where you at?” text, figuring he could lightly prompt Buck to see if maybe he forgot about their lunch. The waiter came around, smiling kindly as if he could tell Eddie had been stood up.
“Would you like to get anything started while you wait?” He asked, gesturing to Eddie’s well perused menu.
“Uhhh,” as if he hadn’t made up his mind ten minutes ago about what he was going to get. “The lamb vindaloo, thanks.” He handed his menu to the waiter, leaving one at the seat that Buck was supposed to be in. Just in case.
Dude, are you coming? Or am I about to have an ‘eat pray love’ moment for myself in this Indian restaurant?
Eddie had fully given up on Buck after no responses, no calls, and no show. So he ate his lamb vindaloo alone, quickly told the waiter that his friend had to cancel, and tried not to panic. His first instinct was that Buck was dead in a ditch somewhere, though he tried desperately to swallow that fear down. It was just so unlike him to not contact Eddie, not show up, and ghost him completely. The possibility that he was still on his date did cross his mind, but even if that were the case Eddie was sure that Buck would tell him. It’s not like Buck was hiding this new relationship he was starting with Abby from Eddie, although at the moment he was feeling a bit like the ‘other woman.’
The meal was delicious, though he didn’t enjoy it, feeling nauseous while his mind fed him image after image of Buck tipped over in a gorge, dead or grievously injured. He settled his bill, numbly walked to his car and immediately called Buck once he was alone.
Straight to voicemail. Eddie’s heart hammered harder and his mouth went dry as he heard Buck’s chipper voice command him to ‘leave a message at the beep!’
“Hey Buck, maybe your phone is just off and you forgot about our plans today but I can’t seem to get ahold of you. I’m hoping you’re home, sleeping off a good night or maybe continuing that Valentine’s date with Abby. Or maybe you got called into work - but if you don’t call me back soon I’m probably going to start calling hospitals.” He couldn’t force his voice to stop shaking. It sounded wobbly, even to him. “I wish I had your boss’s number for time’s like these man. I’m —“ he licked his lips, mouth dry, voice cracking, panic threatening to overwhelm him. Why was he panicking? He didn’t panic. “— I’m really worried about you. I’m going to wait a few more hours and then I’m checking everywhere for you Evan Buckley.”
Eddie hung up before he said anything dumber than that, and evaluated the situation. He didn’t know where Buck lived so he couldn’t go check on him there and he didn’t know where Buck worked, so he couldn’t find him or his friends. Cursing under his breath, Eddie drove with a tight grip on his steering wheel all the way home, mind racing as he scripted out what he would say while calling hospitals for Buck. White male with dirty blond or light brown hair, blue eyes, over six feet, reddish pink birthmark over his left eye, kind of across his eyebrow, script tattoo on one forearm, circlet tattoo on the other arm. He knew how to describe a missing person, and he was grateful Buck had identifiable features like his birthmark and his tattoos. It always made identification easier in the field - especially with corpses. He blinked and breathed through the sudden military precision logic that was flooding his nervous system. Buck was fine. He wasn’t dead. (Probably.) He just lost or didn’t charge his phone and forgot about Eddie, it was fine. (Probably.) He didn’t need to scour the Los Angelos desert for a body to drag back to base. (Never again.)
His hands felt clammy when he finally pulled into his driveway and ripped them away from the steering wheel. This was stupid. He was getting worked up for no reason. As he stepped through the threshold, his phone began to ping relentlessly.
It was Buck. Fucking finally.
A slew of text messages rained in, filling up his screen and all of them were from Buck.
Ping.
I’m so sorry Eddie!!!!!!!!
Ping.
I would call you but I can’t talk at the moment. Like physically can’t talk.
Ping.
This is so embarrassing.
Ping.
They just barely gave me my phone back and I was also kind of out of it for a while. Also it was dead so I had to charge it! So annoying.
Ping.
I choked at dinner last night and needed an emergency tracheotomy. Like fully cut my neck open and jammed a pen or whatever into my throat. Isn’t that crazy?
Ping.
Anyway I’ve been in the hospital since then, I had a proper breathing tube thingy but they cleared my airway and closed me up after I regained consciousness.
Ping.
I got your message. I’m sorry I didn’t make it to lunch.
There wasn’t an adequate description for what was happening with Eddie’s feelings in that moment. A wave of relief and the release of stress crashed through him first, simply happy to finally hear from his friend, to know he wasn’t dead or missing or simply vanished. But Buck wasn’t fine. He hadn’t just forgotten, or had too good of a time the night before. He’d choked and enough to need his throat cut open and a breathing tube inserted which means he had been in serious danger. His fingers hovered over his cell phone, unsure how to respond. What he wanted to do was call him and shout ‘what the fuck?’ at him until he got an acceptable response. What he wanted to do was ask him what hospital he was at so he could go there and hold his hand and berate him in person.
What happened? He managed to tap out and send, trying not to think of the odds of someone choking so badly they need to be trached recovering to 100% - the odds were not good.
Three dots. Three dots. Three dots. Buck was taking his time.
I was eating bread too fast and then I took a sip of water and I totally closed up my airway. Heimlich didn’t work so Abby had to perform an emergency trach while the ambulance was on its way. She saved my life.
Eddie’s stomach clenched. He forced his fear down - it was useless to feel anxious, since Buck was fine now. He lived, and feeling afraid for his life eighteen hours past when it had been in danger was irrelevant. The guilt that wracked him wasn’t helpful either. There was nothing Eddie could have done, because he wasn’t there. He was never going to be there. Thankfully Abby was competent, or at least competent enough to save Buck’s life when was dire. She had to have medical training of some sort then - maybe a doctor? Or a paramedic? She didn’t let Buck die. That was the important part. He gritted his teeth against the strange jealousy that stirred in his chest. He was envious of her, grateful for her, and resentful of her. She was already someone Buck was enthralled with, and now she had managed to twine her life with his even more, literally coming to his rescue when he could have died.
It wasn’t that Eddie wished it was him who had saved him. He wished it never happened to Buck, of course. He wished he had been there instead of Abby. He could have prevented it, he’s sure. He could have protected him, he’s sure.
Way to make sure she never forgets you, Buck. Joking with Buck was easier than saying what he was really feeling. I was scared. I was jealous. I was worried you forgot about me. I was worried you didn’t. I thought you were dead. I’m relieved you’re not. I’m furious you’re hurt.
UGH I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE LAME
A smile flickered across Eddie’s lips, imagining Buck’s face contorting into a dramatic pout, his expressive face looking forlorn and pathetic.
Didn’t know you were ever not lame.
Very low blow, Diaz.
Was the date at least going well before you inhaled a bread loaf? He hated himself for bringing it back to the date. Genuinely, he didn’t know if he wanted to know how it was going. Were they flirting? Hitting it off? Maybe she made Buck laugh and that’s why he choked. Buck had a generous laugh, Eddie knew. He was eager to give it away, to ingratiate himself to other person and make them feel - special. Different.
There was a long enough pause before Buck answered him that Eddie considered putting his phone down and distracting himself with dishes. But then the reply bounced through.
Not exactly. It was kinda awkward.
Eddie quelled his unbidden excitement. Inappropriate, he chastised himself. Unrealistic.
You got it next time, champ. How could she resist you? I mean she cared enough to save your life. He hastily replied. Covering his tracks. Thankful that Buck couldn’t see his face. But he couldn’t keep talking about this, so he changed the subject. When do you get out of the hospital?
The doctor says a couple more days here. I’ll probably not be able to film for a couple more weeks though, the neck looks gnarly. I’m sorry man. :-(
He shook his head. Of course Buck was worried about filming - it wasn’t even on Eddie’s radar.
I’m more concerned about when you can make up for missing lunch. But you should probably tell Camila about the filming schedule.
In some ways, Eddie was relieved. The more time they had before the final filming session, the longer he had with Buck.
—
Subject: Shooting Delayed
From: Camila Martinez
To: Evan Buckley, E. Diaz, Mike Weir
“Hi everyone! Mr. Buckley has informed me he was unfortunately injured a few days ago and will need an additional few weeks to recuperate before resuming filming. Sorry for an inconvenience to everyone’s schedules, we will resume when Mr. Buckley is up for the task.
Warm Regards,
Camila Martinez.”
Subject: Re: Shooting Delayed
From: Mike Weir
To: Evan Buckley, E. Diaz, Camila Martinez
“what the fuck buck!!!! 🤬”
—
“So did Mike call you and rip you a new one?”
”You think he has my number? Hell no, man.”
Buck’s voice sounded different now. Quieter, more raspy. Every word sounded like an effort on his part. He’d only been out of the hospital and cleared to talk and eat normally for a few days now, but it was disconcerting to hear. Buck had assured him it was only temporary after hearing the alarm in Eddie’s voice when he’d picked up the phone.
“He doesn’t like when things don’t go to plan, does he?” Eddie glanced at the clock - he needed to pick Chris up from his play-date soon. He hadn’t really been planning on wasting an hour on the phone with Buck, but when Buck texted him to ask if he was free he also wasn’t going to turn that opportunity down. He’d been more than happy to let Buck relive his disastrous date with Abby, what he remembered about the choking and the rescue, and the hospital gossip he picked up on while he was sitting there for three days, bored and bothering nurses for entertainment.
(”You wouldn’t believe the shit that happens behind the scenes at hospitals,” Buck had divulged conspiratorially. ”Nothing like Grey’s Anatomy, of course, but I understand why so many soap operas are based on hospital drama now.”)
Buck snorted - Eddie was pointing out the obvious.
”Mike? No, clearly not. I mean it’s fine when he needs to time off because of whatever, but when I need a break—“ He cut himself off with a sharp inhale. Eddie could hear the strain and waver in his voice.
Eddie never really thought about the longevity of Buck’s career with Wixam Productions. He’d probably been working with directors like Mike, or even with Mike directly since it was such a small company for years. This wasn’t his first rodeo going through shit with this company, with Mike, with filming in general. Knowing Buck, he probably bent over backwards to try and make things work all the time. With his schedule, with actors and actresses he didn’t like or have chemistry with, possibly even with his body. Something soured in Eddie’s stomach. He knew this industry had a horrible reputation for pushing people past what they were comfortable doing. He even realized that had happened to him, was happening to him. But after using his body as tool of war, manipulating it to be a tool of sex felt like a softer, kinder option. Especially when his scene partner was Buck, who made it kinder still, made it fun, made it comfortable. He may have taken this job as a punishment (for failing to provide, for failing in his marriage) - but Buck had turned it into a pleasure, and Eddie didn’t know how to reconcile with that.
“You need rest,” he said into the phone, clearing his throat. “And I’ve got some errands to run. Drink some honey tea, don’t talk for a few hours, sleep or whatever. And I’ll see you for lunch next weekend, right?”
”I don’t need rest, all I’ve been doing is resting.” Buck grumbled, but he perked up at the mention of lunch. Food was basically the way to his heart. ”Yeah, gyros right? I can’t wait.”
—
Chris was in a great mood when Eddie picked him up. He chattered non stop from the back seat, legs kicking against the back of the passenger seat. Eddie should chastise him - it wasn’t polite - but he knew he was just excited after a busy day, and Eddie was never going to squash that. Not after being told again and again as a child to control it, to grow up, to man up. He learned to shut it down, bottle it up, and close off from his parents. He thought it would actually kill him if Chris ever felt that way about him. If Chris ever shut him out of his life.
“So is Simon like, your best friend?” Eddie asked, glancing in the rear view mirror at his son.
“Hmmm, yes I think so, especially after we swore we’d always be best friends after today,” Chris affirmed, leaning his forehead against the window of the car. He looked content. “But also Riley is my best friend. And maybe Samantha too. Dad do you have a best friend?”
Eddie grinned. “You’re my best friend, bud.”
Christopher groaned and rolled his eyes dramatically. “Daaaaaad, no not me! Like a real best friend? Like Simon, or Riley, or Samantha but for you?”
No, Eddie thought immediately. But Buck’s face swam unbidden into his mind. If he did have a best friend who wasn’t his son, it would be Evan Buckley.
“Uhh, nope, just you bud. You’re always going to be my best friend. No matter what.” He smiled through Chris’ obvious suspicion until his son accepted the fact that his dad was lame and yes, his six year old son was his very best friend in the world.
Once the contract was done and Eddie was graduated from the academy and settled into his job…maybe then Eddie could have another best friend.
—
Subject: Last Shoot Day
“Good evening everyone! Just a quick email to alert everyone that Mr. Buckley has been cleared to work. After reviewing cast and crew schedules, next Saturday 4pm (not this Saturday!!) will be our FINAL shoot day for this series. Thanks everyone so much for your patience and hard work, I will make sure to bring something to celebrate.
Best,
Camila Martinez”
Eddie tried to tell himself that the butterflies he was feeling weren’t actually butterflies, but were in fact the ‘probably one day too long in the refrigerator’ pork chops he ate as leftovers last night. He knew they would be scheduling something soon - Camila had asked for his google calendar a few days ago, and of course he was talking nearly non-stop with Buck who updated him diligently on his healing. (The first time Eddie got to see the incision and healing scar was when they got gyros together after that first phone call. He had winced inspecting as Buck lifted his chin to stretch the skin and show him the raw flap of skin that had been meticulously sewn back together and was starting to reknit.
“Pretty gross, huh?” Buck asked, when Eddie moved back. It was red and angry looking.
He shrugged. It wasn’t so bad, actually, considering the circumstances. It’s not like the original tracheostomy was done in a sterile environment with a sharp scalpel in perfect conditions. So really, it wasn’t as gross as it could have been.
“I’ve seen worse,” Eddie said easily, smirking as Buck furrowed his brow questioningly. “Much worse. I was actually an Army medic for a few years before I moved here.”
His pulse quickened. He was getting too comfortable as the deadline to their ‘working’ relationship was fast approaching. That was the first real piece of information about his history he’d given Buck beyond the niceties and he felt vulnerable under the bare truth. Buck’s face blanched in surprise.
“Whoa, no way? I tried to be a Marine but I washed out. I mean, like it was my choice obviously. I’m not real good with authority as it turns out,” he laughed, reaching for a sriracha fry from the middle of the table. He paused and pointed the fry seriously at Eddie. “Do not let Camila or Mike find out. They will absolutely try to get you in dog tags or fatigues or some kind themed shoot. Ask me how I know.”)
He was eager to be done with the contract. The money had been a huge boon but Eddie was graduating to the next echelon of the academy in a few short weeks and his summer would be consumed with the more difficult classes and rigorous schedule. He would have to spend most of his free time studying so he could pass his final exams and become a true firefighter by fall. Well. Probationary firefighter.
The days seemed to march on without his permission. He spent an embarrassing amount of his free time hesitantly googling things like ‘anal sex with a man’ and ‘does having gay sex mean I’m gay’ on incognito mode on his laptop. There had been a few helpful reddit threads (and a few not so helpful reddit threads) and Eddie at least felt prepared to do his part. Really, it seemed like Buck had the heavier burden in preparing to bottom for the shoot. (Comments on a thread titled ‘what should I do before I bottom for the first time?’ helpfully suggesting different products, different tools, when to stop eating the day before, how long to use your own fingers, or a dildo, or wear a butt plug. One commenter cheerfully said ‘you should do drugs! hope this helps <3’ which Eddie found particularly not helpful.) He tried not to imagine Buck in the shower, soapy hands and fingers opening himself up. He tried not to imagine Buck’s pupils blown wide with some substance, glazing over as he kept a plug inside of himself. He tried not to imagine himself in that role, with Buck being the one to open him up, bend him in half, press into him…
The thought didn’t panic him like it used to. Eddie has had a crash course in gay panic, gay realization, and gay acceptance he supposed, through this little side quest he had gone on. It hadn’t taken long for him to wrestle with the fact that he found Buck attractive, which meant he found men attractive, and maybe it wasn’t just the ‘Buck effect’ after all. That maybe this was a part of what and who he was.
It didn’t make it any less painful, nor did it take the guilt away. He wasn’t supposed to feel this way about another man, it wasn’t - right. For other people? Absolutely, Eddie thought people who were consenting, legal age should be able to love one another. But for him? That wasn’t allowed. He had been denied so much in his life, he’d shamed his parents enough (and paid penance, over and over again, trying to undo the wounds he’d caused) through Shannon’s pregnancy out of wedlock, his shotgun wedding, his failed marriage. He wasn’t allowed to have this, not for real. So if he was… if he could be gay, it still wasn’t ever going to be something he could keep.
Eddie had a sinking feeling this last shoot with Buck would be his last chance to have it, to embrace it, to shed the guilt and savor the moment.
—
Stomach in knots, mouth dry, Eddie was full of nervous energy as he pulled into the studio’s parking lot. Buck’s jeep was already there, of course - the man wouldn’t be caught late for anything. (Eddie’s mind flashed to imagining him in the shower already, soft groaning spilling from his mouth and naked, soapy skin as Buck prepared himself for the day’s activities.) There were not really words he could find to describe how he felt, every emotion fraught with tension and excitement. Eddie was entering this last shoot like a man headed to the gallows, having prepared himself to lay it all on the line with Buck, embrace every moment and let it go once it was done. As much as he wanted to cling to this, cling to Buck, it was only ever a fantasy, and not even one he built for himself. The fantasy was for the audience and he just got swept along for the ride. His mind felt far away, dreamy, as he left his car and entered the building as if on auto pilot.
“Welcome back Eddie!” Camila’s cheerful voice broke through his reverie, snapping him back to reality. She gracefully followed him through the hall and down into the studio space, sweeping her hand to the modest craft services that Eddie was sure she herself provided. “We have an extra special treat for after the shoot wraps. Little celebratory cake,” she beamed.
He smiled back, feeling fond. She truly did try to make their jobs easy and professional, injecting structure and respect into the industry that could quickly devolve into degradation and mistreatment.
“Thank you Camila,” he said earnestly. “Can’t wait.”
Truthfully he couldn’t imagine food tasting like anything ash in his mouth at the moment, as anxious and eager as he was for the main event. But she didn’t need to know that. He glanced at the set, noticing it was almost identical to the last set dressing. Bed in the middle, two nightstands on either side, lighting already set and boom mic arranged strategically out of frame. He just wanted to start. He just wanted to begin. Eddie felt like he was on the precipice of a cliffside, waiting for the fall, and he needed to just hurl himself to his demise.
“Whenever you guys are ready,” Camila told him, patting his arm gently. “You’ve done great work, we’re so pleased on our end. I hope this has been a good experience for you as well.”
Has it been a good experience? Eddie doesn’t quite know how to categorize in his mind. It has shattered his expectations of himself, it has opened up a wormhole to a whole slew of desires that had laid dormant and dead inside of him, and it has led him to falling stupidly in love with Evan Buckley, which — well, was neither expected or wanted, but happened none the less. But was it bad? Could he classify this as ‘bad’ when he knew he was desperately sad to leave it behind?
“Eddie,” and that was Buck’s voice, Buck calling him back to earth, Buck grounding him and anchoring him to his side. Buck smiling at him, almost shy, looking pink and freshly scrubbed though not as damp as last time. He must have arrived much earlier, to shower and prep and be dry by the time Eddie got there.
“Last shoot day! Kind of exciting, right?” Yes and no. Fear and dread but also desire and excitement. Longing threaded alongside sorrow, closing a chapter to a book Eddie never wanted to crack open. It was all jumbled in his head, flashes of feelings and glimpses to the future. He wanted to stop thinking so much. He just wanted to … feel.
“Working with you is always exciting,” he teased gently, knowing he sounded too fond, too loving. “One way or another.”
But Buck didn’t seem to mind, he didn’t seem weirded out by Eddie obvious affection. Instead he preened under the compliment, a self satisfied smile spreading on his lips as he nodded in agreement.
“Gotta keep you on your toes, Diaz. That’s my job,” Buck said easily. His job. Not after today, Eddie thought morosely, wistfully.
“Ok guys, set is ready. I’m kind of picturing this as a bit of continuation of the last video,” Mike announced, strolling over to them. “So let’s start nude, on the bed. I’m going to be like, in there, with my camera for a few shots. If it bothers you, just pause for a minute and kind of reset, I’ll back off. You did fine before though, so I can’t really see it being a problem.” The director looked pointedly at Eddie, who bristled. He did do fine before, he didn’t need any hand holding through this shoot and he really didn’t need Mike interrupting their final shoot with inane comments or breaking the mood. He wouldn’t let it happen.
The butterflies began again in his stomach as Buck nodded seriously, and stripped off his shirt to dump it unceremoniously on a random folding chair in the corner of the room. This time he couldn’t blame the fluttering feeling on old meat from the fridge. The phantom wings chased each other around his abdomen, moving up to scrape along his chest cavity and clog up his throat on their way to escape. He was terrified if he opened his mouth they would pour out in waves of color, or worse, in words of love. So he gritted his teeth and swallowed around nothing but the lump in his throat and worked on stripping himself as well, shirt gone, pants down, shoes kicked off and collected quickly and efficiently by Camila. He only looked at Buck. Buck with legs a mile long, Buck with his broad back that tapered down into a trim waist, Buck with his wine-red birthmark smudged against his eye brow, his soft lips, his kind eyes. Eddie wanted to tumble into him. So he did.
He trailed him onto the set, over to the bed, only barely waiting to hear Mike call ‘action! rolling’ before he looped his arms around Buck’s neck and pressed his face into his throat. Buck made a sound that he felt through his face, a rumble and a laugh, and he kissed his vocal chords, mouthing along the gentle sweep of Buck’s throat. His stubble was rougher today, but Eddie didn’t care, he rubbed his own along it, tangling the hairs together as he continue to kiss and suck trails along Buck’s neck and collarbones. The scratch of the beard burn made Buck gasp and stumble back, his knees hitting the edge of the bed and capitulating until he was sitting back gazing up at Eddie.
Eddie swayed on his feet. He was sober, but he felt drunk, staring down Buck. His eyes were curious, maybe even a little surprised at the direction Eddie was taking the shoot. This was the one time, the one time he could pour himself out for Buck, to lay it all out and disguise behind the character he was supposed to be portraying.
“I want you,” he rasped, cupping Buck’s face in his hand. He hadn’t even noticed he was breathing harshly already. Buck reached up to hold his hand, turning into his grasp and kissing his open palm reverently. Eddie felt his heart fill with adoration, wobbling at the gesture.
“You can have me,” Buck responded earnestly, looking at him with plain and open trust.
No I can’t, Eddie lamented, but he allowed himself to push Buck down the rest of the way, scooting their bodies up so they could lay parallel to one another as he caught his mouth in a fervent kiss. Their bodies slotted together, and all Eddie felt was home home home. He forced himself to push his knee in between Buck’s long legs, separating them and let himself invade the space, hands stroking along Buck’s thighs as he pushed them up and apart.
His hips canted forward, just rocking their pelvises together for the pleasure of it, and he couldn’t help his long, low groan. He tipped forward to kiss him again, and again, because he liked it, because he wanted to, and Buck responded eagerly, rising to meet him, his hands gripping the back of Eddie’s neck, one fisted into his hair. It sends sparks down his spine, lighting his arousal with renewed, electric energy. As he pulled their mouths apart he shoved two fingers into Buck’s mouth instead, shivering at the way the other man immediately sucked them down. He bathed Eddie’s two fingers lovingly with his tongue, making sure they were wet, just like Eddie wanted before he wrested them from Buck’s mouth.
“Can I have you here?” Eddie asked, his fingers circling Buck’s hole, gently testing the pliancy as he pushed his two fingertips in. Buck squirmed, hips circling as he chased the feeling.
“Yes,” he gasped. His pupils were blown wide, mouth slack as he panted. “However you want me.”
Eddie let himself kiss Buck again. And again. He’d kiss him through the entire shoot if he could, but he also let his fingers sink into Buck, fingering him slowly. Buck moaned into his mouth and panted against his cheek, swearing nonsensically as he tried to ride the fingers more eagerly. Eddie held him still, controlling the tempo as he spread Buck open and teased him, drawing out his pleasure.
“Let me,” he chastised. His wrist was getting sore, but he ignored it. Buck was writhing underneath him and it was all he could think about, all he could focus on, just greedily absorbing every moment.
“Please Eddie,” Buck begged, “Please fuck me.”
Kryptonite. Every time. Eddie was helpless against Buck’s pleading, so he capitulated, pulling his fingers out slowly. He reared back onto his own knees and pawed at Buck’s body, encouraging him to flip over. As much as he wanted to smother Buck and fuck him face to face, there was a tiny corner of his mind that was aware of the cameras. The criticism of being ‘two octopuses entangled’ hadn’t left him, and he had just enough composure to make sure they were in positions that would read well on film. He made sure to brace Buck on his hands and knees securely, leaning over to rain a line of kisses down his spine, his hands gripping Buck’s hips firmly.
Time was moving strangely. It could have been minutes since Mike called action, or hours. It all slid molasses slow around him, stuck in a loop around Buck, always stuck on Buck. A condom and small bottle of lube had appeared like magic next to calf, no doubt placed there by Mike unwilling to interrupt the scene. Eddie was grateful for it. The condom rolled on easily, and he slicked himself with shaking hands, trying to breathe through his desire. He wanted to take his time and savor it, he wanted to make it good both for himself and for Buck, but for the video as well. This would be his legacy, after all. His small, secret mark on the world before he abandoned it for real flame.
As he pressed in, Eddie’s world went quiet. He was aware of Buck’s low moaning, but only through the vibration that rattled through his body. He could feel his own panting, surely he was saying words of comfort, of praise, but they were muted and dull. He could only feel. He had never been so close to Buck, inside of it, all around him. He thrust his hips experimentally and shuddered.
“You’re so good,” he soothed, rolling his hips. Buck leaned back against him, encouragingly. Invitingly. His heart was in his throat, torn between joy and ecstasy and the shattering realization that he would never have this again. He bent over Buck’s body, placing a biting kiss on his shoulder and fucked into him earnestly, letting the heat coil and build inside his body. He truly feared it was possible for his heart to burst, full to the brim with emotion. He loved him, he loved him, he loved him, and he couldn’t.
With great self control, he rocked back onto his heels and sat upright, pulling Buck upright with him so he was seated in his lap.
“Move,” he commanded roughly, disguising the emotion in his voice with gruffness. “Use me, get yourself off.”
“Fuck,” Buck said with feeling, a low laugh blowing out of him at Eddie’s demand. But he obeyed. His thighs flexed and strained as he lifted himself and lowered back down, riding Eddie’s cock with a single minded determination. He made the prettiest noises as he did so, and Eddie buried his face into Buck’s shoulder, breathing in the scent of his skin and the taste of his sweat. One hand reached around proprietarily, batting Buck’s own hand out of the way to grab his erection and stroke it in time with Buck’s rhythm.
It was a different kind of togetherness. It was harmony, moving together, allowing Buck to use him at his leisure, allowing the feelings to wash over him. He didn’t think, he didn’t worry, he didn’t mourn. He let lust and pleasure cloud his mind, and when Buck’s head tipped back against his shoulder in surrender, his thighs quivering with exhaustion, Eddie responded by holding him upright and fucking up into him hard, his hand squeezing and pulling firmly at Buck’s leaking cock. It didn’t take long before Buck was babbling incoherently, his hips twitching, and he was spasming into Eddie’s grip.
His whole body seized, and Eddie held him through it, shutting his eyes, gritting his teeth, savoring it. It only took him a few more thrusts before he followed him, gasping out his own orgasm and biting into Buck’s skin so he wouldn’t say something stupid, something that would be immortalized on film forever.
Buck keened, flopping over, a helpless, delirious giggle escaping him as he hit the bed with a thud, and Eddie entire body surged with fondness. He joined his friend, throwing his leg over Buck’s sweat and cum damp thigh possessively. He closed his eyes, and counted their panting breaths.
Faintly, he heard Mike call cut. It was over.
—
Eddie sat with Buck after they’d cleaned up, a piece of their ‘Congratulations!’ cake that Camila had proudly presented them with on a little paper plate in his hand. Buck had already had a piece and was going back for more, exclaiming his delight and appreciation.
“This is so good, thank you Camila, very thoughtful,” he said through a mouthful. Eddie was having trouble looking anywhere but Buck. He wanted to stamp the very picture of him onto the back of his eyelids, especially since Buck looked flushed and well fucked. He kept throwing Eddie small, secret smiles, almost giddy and it made Eddie’s stomach clench and swoop like a child with a crush. He did that. He made him feel like that. It was a good thing, a good memory.
“Hey Buck, I wanted to talk to you,” Eddie leaned in closer to his co-star. He needed to tell him. He needed to rip the bandage off. “I’m - going to school this summer, and it’s a really intense program so I’m not going to have a lot of time.”
Buck nodded, another forkful of cake disappearing into his mouth.
“I probably won’t be able to hang out as much as we’re used to.”
“Ok, I get it, that’s cool. Maybe we could do like once a month though? There’s still a lot of food you haven’t tried yet, don’t pretend otherwise. You need culture.” The irony of Buck, a white man, saying that to Eddie was not lost on him - he rolled his eyes.
Eddie hesitated. He offered a shaky smile. “Yeah. Maybe we can.”
A lie. This was his goodbye to Buck, though the other man didn’t know it. Eddie knew if he couldn’t have Buck like this again, naked, vulnerable, telling him he loved him, taking him on dates, introducing him to his son - then it was safer to not have him at all. It just sucked to have to leave Buck in the dark about it.
—
Hey man! Want to get dumplings? A new place opened up in Koreatown, I’m dying to go.
—
Hope school is going well. Haven’t heard from you in a bit, but you’re probably swamped. Lmk when you’re free?
—
Camila said you declined another contract? Maybe you got a different job…
—
All the videos are live. You did good Eddie. 👍
—
I miss you. Call me whenever.
—
It had been torture trying to ignore Buck all summer. But the academy and Christopher had kept him busy, up early every morning and exhausted in bed with nearly no free time at night. He could barely muster time to spend with his family that was local to L.A., so it wasn’t like he could have spent time with Buck even if he wanted to. But ghosting him and leaving him on read every time he texted… that was sort of a dick move.
He told himself it was worth it when he graduated the academy at the top of the class. His written exam had been nearly perfect, and he was allowed his choice of fire stations. After meeting with a few captains, he felt confidant in his choice and finally, finally Eddie allowed himself to feel a sliver of happiness. The detour with Wixam Productions and Buck had been - confusing, exhilarating, and ultimately life changing. But that wasn’t what his life was supposed to be. He was supposed to be a firefighter — and now he was, and he got to choose to be with the best station in L.A., the 118. All it had taken was one meeting with Bobby Nash, and he felt right at home.
His fingers felt numb as he stripped off his civvies in the locker room, reaching instead for his new LAFD t-shirt. There was new-school nerves and then there was this, new life nerves. He took a deep breath, trying to settle his racing heart and nervous tics. He could control it. He’d been to war. He had to control it. This was simply meeting new coworkers, trying to do his new job, trying to fit in. It wasn't life or death. A chorus of greetings made him look up and as he registered Bobby ushering forward two people with wide smiles, but his eyes were drawn to a third person, someone who stood frozen in the hallway staring at him, away from the group.
Eddie Diaz’s whole world turned upside down as he realized his new coworker was none other than Evan Buckley, the person he'd been solidly ignoring for the past three months.
Fuck.