Work Text:
The loving of Eddie Diaz
On his last night home he should have been sleeping. At the very least, he should have been packing the stuff still spread across his bedroom.
He should have been gathering the important papers (what those papers would be, he had no idea). Hell, he should have at least gone and seen the new Harry Potter movie before anyone at training camp had the chance to spoil it for him.
Instead he held his son.
It was strange, really. Eddie was nineteen years old, and he had a nineteen-day old baby.
“Can you believe that Christopher?” Eddie whispered to the small bundle in his arms, trying to memorize each whispy eyelash. “You’ve been here almost a month. A month!”
His son’s eye color were still gray- yet, they changed every time he saw them. Eddie was sure he was going to have a blue-eyed boy.
Christopher Edmundo Diaz was a long baby. Skinny too. He had little awkward ankles, long fingers, very chubby toes. He had the sweetest pair of ears, big like his momma’s.
He was the most perfect human to ever exist.
Eddie sighed, rocking back in the chair his grandfather made decades ago. He stroked his thumb along Christopher’s cheek, holding him close against the slight wind in the warm Texas air.
“Can you believe that, a year ago, I was in high school?” Eddie asked, bewildered.
Christopher grunted. Eddie nodded. “Yeah, me neither! Like, buddy, you were at our graduation.”
He kissed his soft forehead. “Thank god your mom and I went to the movies and not to Jacob’s party. Could you imagine us getting smashed? We didn’t even know you were there until-“
Eddie paused, making a face down at his son. “Um. I shouldn’t be tell you this.”
It was…weird. Knowing that he had a whole child. That the baby wasn’t just some random family members, that he wasn’t a doll he used to draw profanities on in health class.
Chris was real.
Eddie was a dad. Christopher was a son. His son.
And the more Eddie thought about what it took for Chris to be nestled in his arms, the more he didn’t understand. Like-
“You were in your mom’s belly- uh, uterus. Right?” Eddie nodded. “For, like, nine months dude. And you were breathing in just fluid- I didn’t really get that until you were coming out, and your mom was just gushing this stuff all over the place. I honestly thought it was pee.” He kissed Chris’s forehead again. “Sorry.”
“But it wasn’t! You were- your mom did that for you! She literally made you a home inside of her!” Eddie shook his head in awed of Shannon. Maybe he should tell her. “Like, that’s insane! And now look where you are-“
Eddie stood up carefully, shifting his baby around so his big head rested by Eddie’s bicep, the other arm tucking in close beneath his body.
He walked a little ways from the porch, enough that they could both turn to the sky without any light pollution.
Eddie grinned, tilting Chris so he could see up. “This is where you are now!”
Together, they gazed up to the stars.
There was not one cloud covering their view, the moon farther near the horizon,as if they knew it was going to be Christopher's first real introduction so they best be on their best behavior.
“I used to do this with my old dog.” Eddie said, adjusting him back to his chest. “He passed away last year- honestly, I was glad for him. Do you know those type of dogs that just get a little hard to look at when they’re old? Well, that was Max. The ugliest little beagle on this side of the state, but my dad -Abuelo- loved him. He pretended that he was a gift for me.”
Eddie rolled his eyes. “And, sure. Sure he was, but why would a two year old want a dog? Nah, he just didn’t want to admit he loved the little guy.”
Which seemed like his father’s way- to love silently.
Was…was that how Eddie wanted to raise his son?
Without having to think, the answer was an absolute, world shattering no.
No, Eddie did not want to love quietly. He did not want Chris to grow up wondering if Eddie liked him, much less loved him.
Eddie leaned down to kiss his son, peppering little kisses across his soft face.
Chris sighed, his tiny arm stretching out. Eddie made sure to kiss his palm.
“I love you.” Eddie said against his little fingers. “So much. I promise to tell you, okay? And, and I’m going to play ball with you, and we’re going to go out to the parks and. And we’re gonna do stuff, alright? The three of us, were going to explore Texas, see everything we can. I’ll even take you up to Oklahoma, there’s gotta be something there.”
Eddie dug his bare toes into the dry earth beneath him, suddenly not able to get enough air into his lungs.
He had only been to Oklahoma maybe once or twice in his life. It struck him a little odd, seeing how he had been to a whole other state before he’d ever gone down to even Galveston.
“Oklahoma baby.” Eddie repeated. “You and me.”
Texas was a big state. Oklahoma was a big state. The United States of America was a giant country.
Eddie’s breath started to come in faster.
When he signed up he didn’t have any second thoughts. He saw his tiny little son, he saw the silver band on his finger, and he had no fucking idea how to care for either one of them. He had talked to the recruiter before Chris was able to leave, and was listed the day they drove him in his soft blue onesie.
Christopher was so tiny. Christopher, with his big head and skinny legs and awkward ankles and his long fingers- he was so vulnerable, how could he compete out in the real world?
Who the hell was Eddie of all people to think he had a shot of giving a person a good life?
Eddie tore his gaze away from him to look back up, eyes burning. His heart was racing in his chest.
The stars were so real, so goddamn real.
Like him, like Shannon, like their son. His son, oh god, oh god what did Eddie do, what did he do-
He gasped sharply, sucking in a ragged breath.
Chris stirred, his skinny legs kicking out in his arms. Eddie looked down, turning toward the porch light to see that his jaw started to quiver, and he curled his tiny body closer to Eddie’s chest.
“Oh!” Eddie said, voice cracking. He brought Chris up to his face, pressing his forehead against his own cheek. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry baby.”
What else could he say? Sorry I scared you, but fuck man- I’m scared too!
No, because that wasn’t fair. Chris was a baby. Nineteen days old. Eddie was nineteen years. The days anyone coddling him had long been over.
Eddie had to provide for Chris. For his- for his wife. Shannon had held Chris for nine months, had literally grown him in her own body. It was Eddie’s turn to carry the load.
Also, he was fairly sure he shouldn’t say “fuck man” to his infant son. Or at any age.
Eddie sighed, his own heart slowing down as Chris’s breathing got steady once again. He nuzzled his nose in Chris’s soft strands of hair. “Sorry for scaring you.”
He didn’t want to look at the time, because all it would tell was that there wasn’t enough of it.
He was nineteen years old. He signed up for the army.
And in a few hours, he was leaving his son behind.
I’m doing for him Eddie reminded himself walking back. It’s for him, it’s for us, it’s for him, it’s for us.
He would continue to repeat it into the next morning. He would kiss his son goodbye one more time, his birth announcement photo tucked safely away in his wallet.
When Shannon squeezes his arm, her nails digging sharply into his skin as she held him as tight as she could, Eddie will tuck his head into her hair and breath in in in for a whole minute.
“I’m still pissed.” She will whisper, voice cracking. “I get it why you did it. I’m thankful for it. But fuck you Diaz.”
She’ll press her lips against his forehead gently moment, and he will lean his forehead against hers.
“I did it for us.”
“You did it for him. I just wish what you did was a little closer to him.”
(There was, shamefully, a small part of Eddie that was glad he wasn’t.)
**
Life with a four year old is something else.
First of all, Chris talked way more than when he was a baby.
About the rocks he found-
“Look! This one is clear. Miss Cheryl said that it meant it was a quartz, so Vinny and I traded so I could have it. I gave him my black rock.”
About the stuff animals-
“And did you know that, that my Dragons name is just Dragon? He’s, he’s a mail man because he has the same bag as the mail man. Oh! Dad, the mail man will come to school sometimes- “
About the- well, sometimes Eddie had no idea what his son was talking about.
“My name is Rio.” Chris said one morning very confidently, still in his pajamas.
Eddie tilted his head up at him, already changed and pulling on his socks. “What? No it’s not.”
“Yes it is!”
Eddie learned very quickly that some days it wasn’t worth arguing over what pair of shoes to wear, or fret over what food to buy because, apparently, four year olds don’t eat anything.
(Unless it was the exact same sandwich Eddie offered ten minutes earlier that Eddie was eating.)
And, Eddie had to admit, he was petty enough to be smug when Chris would fight tooth and nail about how he “does not need a sweatshirt!” only for him to shiver and ask for it.
Eddie was a fresh twenty-four year old riddled with bullet holes. He had to take the wins he could get.
All that being said, it was so worth it.
Before Shannon left, Eddie didn’t know Chris. He loved him of course, no argument there.
But Eddie found himself not only loving him, but genuinely liking who Chris was.
He had so many questions, and he was so serious about them.
There were a pile of rocks steadily growing in their kitchen because he wanted them “smell good,” whatever that meant. Whenever they saw any animals in the street, Chris’s would always get so happy that he needed help steadying himself.
And he was a sponge, oh lord was he. Eddie found himself having to watch what he said at all times, least Chris turn around and start repeating him.
Yet, what Eddie couldn’t help but adore him for, was how independent he wanted to be.
Eddie was sure that his parents had babied Chris even before the diagnoses- but that never seemed to affect Chris. In fact, it seemed to do the opposite.
Chris took his physical therapy so serious, determined to catch up to the other kids in his class. He never let anyone -doctors, his grandparents, strangers on the street- ever tell him that he couldn’t do something.
He always insisted on dressing himself, never wanted anyone picking out outfits for him (which was a true travesty).
And he was bossy.
“He infromed his friends that no, they cannot have alligators as pets.” Miss Cheryl said one day, grinning as Eddie signed Chris out on the clip board hanging on the door. “Than when they swatted to argue back, Chris out up a finger and said, very clearly, No thank you.”
“Oh my god!” Eddie said, laughing. “He’s just like that with me to.”
Eddie got really lucky that the preschool was able to give such good care for Chris during the days- even luckier he got into a state funded program for the payments.
Which he thanked God for everyday, considering that Chris had a surgery coming up.
Selective dorsal rhizotomy. He was told that is was minimally invasive, and with Chris’s type of surgeon that he needed it will only affect he area of his spinal cord for his arms.
Eddie was told that they didn’t need to worry about Chris’s tendons in his legs until he was almost six. Which, great. Fantastic. One more surgery that his child was going to have. Chris will have been under the knife more times than Eddie by the time he reached double digits.
It was also the first time that Eddie absolutely loathed Shannon fucking Diaz.
In the past two months, Shannon had answered zero effort’s of communication. Eddie had messaged her across any online room he could find. Sent out emails, to both her and her parents, sent out postcards to any address he members of hers. He had even went to her old friends from high school to try to get the message across.
Call me. It’s about Chris
Shannon it’s about CHRIS
Christopher is having surgery
He’s having another surgery
911! 911! CHRISTOPHER
It was all to the same, varying in how many times Eddie put Chris name out there.
He understood why she would want to leave him- if he weren’t such a coward, maybe he would have left first. He did leave, left her and their baby all alone.
The difference was that he talked to her when he could. He wanted to come home (mostly). He loved Chris and Shannon enough to not leave them hanging at the very least!
It wasn’t like Eddie was out there partying! He wasn’t seeing the grand sights of Afghanistan, wasn’t hooking up with anything that look his way. No, Eddie was healing the ones who were dying for their country. He was the reason that Chris’s was able to have surgery and they didn’t have to pay completely out of pocket for it!
It was flawed, he probably should have talked to her at least the second time he enlisted, but damn! Dammit, Shannon needed to come the FUCK home and be with her son!
They both agreed to have him. They both agreed to keep him!
He had all this anger built up in him and no where to go, so he kept burying it deeper and deeper.
But he couldn’t focus on that- instead, he was consumed with fear.
It was all-compassing. Even to the point his father took him out to the backyard and squeezed his shoulder to ground him when he had to explain what was going on to his parents.
For once, thank God, for once they hadn’t brought up Shannon. Instead they sat with him, they held his hand and together they made their schedules a line so that someone would always be able to be with Chris.
Fuck, they even all called the VA to make sure Eddie’s insurance covered the surgery, staying up late in the night eating fried squash and sweet peaches. If the situation didn’t have Eddie close to tears ever other second, he’d be thrilled from the memory of him and his parents all working together for a common cause.
But no amount of comfort food was able to ease any of Eddie’ anxieties, his worries. How would it- it was his baby.
The night before, Eddie drove them down to Houston.
He loathed that he had to borrow money from his parents to help cover the motel bill- he promised over and over that he was going to pay them back, that this wasn’t going to be unforgotten.
His parents told him Eddie, that is the absolute least of our concerns, handing the envelope that had the cash in hand.
Chris loved the double queen size beds in the room, flopping from one to the next. Each time he fell down he got right back up.
Maybe it was a preschooler thing, but Eddie was so sure it was just a Christopher kind of deal. He was just so damn resilient, had been since he was eight months old and got the diagnoses.
“We got to go to sleep early tonight.” Eddie said, grabbing when Chris mid-jump on the bed (little shit). “Get your pajamas on and I’ll make you some of Abuelo's corn dogs.”
(They were not, in fact, his dad’s corn dogs. They were frozen from a box, but God forbid Eddie try and tell Chris that.)
Chris wiggled in his grasp. “Are we eating dinner early?”
“Yes sir.” Eddie answered, tucking Chris sideways under his arm to get him to giggle. “You have surgery in the morning, so you can’t have anything for twelve whole hours before it.”
Chris started smacking Eddie on the belly. “Is that a long time?”
“Kind of.”
“Oh. How long is it?”
Preschoolers, man. They really know how to ask the tough questions.
Getting Chris to eat early and bathed and all set and cozied in his brand new red pajamas in a brand new room was a feat all on itself, surgery be damned. The way Chris was enamored with he first floor window alone almost made Eddie think he had never been around one before.
When six came around Eddie quickly got himself showered, knowing that he wouldn’t want to do anything in the coming week. When he was done, he scooped Chris up and plopped them both onto the bed closest to the door, his phone charging and some kids moving playing on the cable network- “Monsters High.”
Chris yawned, curling right onto Eddie’s shoulder.
Eddie kissed his forehead. “How you doing, Mijo?”
“I’m good.” Chris said, rubbing his nose into his shoulder. “How you doing, Dad?”
“I’m –“
Still freaking the fuck out, thanks for asking. I haven’t stopped worrying since you were in your moms belly, but now you’re here and grown and I’m all you have and I’m so scared, I’m so scared but I’m your dad and I have to protect you but I can’t, not from this, this is your own perfect little self and I’m so fucking scared that I’m going to lose you tomorrow but don’t worry, don’t worry because if I do it won’t be long before I join you.
“- so excited to be hanging out with my best dude in the whole world all to myself for a week!” Eddie said instead, trying to get his heart back under control. “unfortunately, you snore.”
“I do NOT!” Chris gasped, shifting to sit up utterly betrayed.
Eddie grinned, leaning against eh pillows and pointed. “Do to! You sound like an engine!”
“No you snore!”
“You snore!”
When Chris finally fell asleep across his bed (and proving that yes, in fact, he does snore), Eddie stayed awake.
He memorized every eyelash, each faded freckle, how soft his curly hair was. He counted every finger and toe, how his nose was wider like Shannon’s but his bottom lip was fuller like his own.
Eddie had to keep reminding himself that this wasn’t a willy-nilly surgery, that this was for Chris. For his quality of life, that he was living with something that Eddie had no chance of understanding.
“You got Leon?” Eddie asked, tucking Chris into the car seat, the early morning sun not yet peeking.
Leon the Lion was an ugly little thing, but it had been with Chris for every surgery this far. Chris had saw it at a thrift store when he was a little under one and had fallen head over heels in love with the raggedy thing. Eddie still had the pictures of him cuddling it, holding it against him as they both watch the sunset that Shannon sent him when he was on tour.
Chris nodded, holding Leon close. “Yep. You got your charger?”
Eddie laughed, holding up his own little duffel. “Yes sir. You got your water bottle?”
“Yes sir. You got your stinky bum?”
“Yes- hey wait just a second!”
Chris was in hysterics as Eddie shut the door tight, almost reduced to crying as they made it toward the highway.
Right when Chris gained control of himself, Eddie grinned. “Do you have your stinky butt?”
And, like before, Chris was laughing uncontrollably.
Eddie knew other parents thought they had the most adorable child, but how can they? They don’t have Chris and his high pitch voice, or his stubby toes, or his green crutches he decorated with his “Jake and he Neverland Pirates” stickers, or even his stupid bum jokes.
He’d feel bad for them, but that would mean he’d be willing to share his son. Eddie was certain he’d never want anyone but himself that close to Chris ever again.
Checking into the hospital didn’t take long, and in no time at all Chris was changed into the ugly hospital gowns with Leon in a matching pre-mature baby onesie one of the nurses took for him.
“Just remember Leon.” Their nurse, Lynn, said to the lion as she dressed him. “You’re not allowed to eat any of my patients- if I find even one missing toe, I’m coming for you pal.”
Chris, who had just gotten over the butt jokes from the ride over, had thought Lynn threatening his lion was the funniest thing in the world and had double over in a fit of giggles again.
“Oh! Mr. Diaz thinks its funny that you’ll eat my patients!” Lynn gasped, hand over her heart. “Well than, I’m going to warn you now, buster! You eat any one and I’m throwing you in the county jail!”
Eddie smiled, unpacking one of Chris’s blankets from home.
Through out the whole situation of physical therapies and surgeries and doctor visits whenever Chris got he slightest cold, nurses had been his fucking savior. No matter what mood Chris was in (or even Eddie for that matter), they always managed to get them to smile.
It was such a stark contrast from when he was in Afghanistan- while Eddie had full grown men to take care of, he was still sometimes able to get them to crack a smile. Or, most cases, they were to shocked to say anything back to him. Or in to much pain.
But here? No, Eddie didn’t believe in the supernatural but nurses were fucking magic.
Eventually Lynn had finished her prep work, telling Eddie that the doctors were going to be in a few minutes to take Chris down.
“Are you going to want to walk or do you want to be wheeled down like a rack of ribs?” Lynn asked Chris.
Chris grinned, still sleepy. “Ribs!”
Lynn and Eddie started to roll the sweetest little rack of ribs down the hallway.
The entire time Eddie held tight to Christopher’s tiny hand, telling him how they were going to go home and how Abuela and Abuelo were making his favorite foods, how his Tía’s were going take him to the movies and-
“Daddy?” Chris interrupted, eyes full of tears.
They were at the door. How did Eddie miss that?
Heart racing, Eddie took in a deep breath. Get it together Diaz.
Chris had been so brave throughout the entire situation. Eddie’s father told him he was going to grow up to be such a fine young man.
But Chris wasn’t a man, he was just a scared little boy who wanted to be protected.
And all he had was Eddie.
Eddie leaned down, kissing under both his eyes. He brought the hand not clutching to him tight to his curls. “It’s going to be okay, my love. I promise everything is going to be all right. I’m going to be right here waiting for you.”
Chris shook his head, clutching tighter. “I don’t’ want too anymore. I want to go home. I want to go home!”
Eddie pressed his forehead against Chris’s, holding his head close. “Breath, okay? Breath with me.”
Chris did, trying to do the techniques they’ve been doing together since he started physical therapy all the way back home in EL Paso.
“Listen to me.” Eddie said, channeling that medic out in the desert an ocean away. “You give me your ears. You, Christopher Diaz, are one of the strongest men I know. You hear me? You can do this. You are going to do this. You’re going to have this surgery, and b this time next year you’re going to be so glad you did.”
Chris nodded, eyes wide. His little hand was clutching so tight. “Yeah?”
Eddie nodded. “Oh yeah.”
Slowly, they started walking back down the hall again.
“You can do this.” Eddie said again. He smiled. “It’s going to be so quick, okay? You’re going to go to bed and when you wake up, I’m going to be right there.”
Chris sniffed. “Okay Daddy". He said in a quiet, watery voice.
Eddie felt a tremble run in his chin. He but his tongue, hard enough to taste blood.
The hallway was rapidly becoming shorter and shorter. Eddie held his son’s hand, his tiny little baby with his skinny legs and big head and bright eyes, held him under the stars and the sun until-
“Alright Chris.” Nurse Lynn said, smiling gently. “You say good-bye to Dad for right now, and I promise you can see him really soon.”
Eddie sucked in a deep breath, leaning close to Chris. He didn’t smell right- not like his strawberries and cream Vo5 shamopoo or dove soap. He was just so excited to use the tiny shampoo from the hotel that didn't have enough product that smelled to much like cheap vanilla.
But it was still Chris. It was his baby.
“Really soon.” Eddie promised. He kissed his son’s forehead, trying to memorize how his hair curled.
Please God, keep him safe. Let his body heal, let his body grow, let his body live so he can have a good and happy life.
“I’ll keep the bed warm for you.” Eddie smiled, leaning back to look at his gorgoues blue eyes. “And for your stinky bum.”
Chris giggled, and the sound lingered in the hallway long after he was wheeled away.
Realistically, Eddie knew the surgery was only two hours long.
Which didn’t make sense to him. He was sure every second was a minute, every minute an hour, each hour a day.
He bounced between sitting in the hard chair, pacing he tiny room, and staring out the window watching he sunrise. He refused to think about if Chris would ever watch it again.
He had been in war. He had seen death- event eh smallest on injuries could have lead to death, especially out there in the desert. He had to keep biting his blood to remind himself that no, his son wasn’t out there.
Chris was here in the hospital with some of the best medical equipment out there, with some of the best doctors in the world.
But no matter how times Eddie told himself, it didn’t make the tightness in his chest disappear or he weight on his shoulders loosen.
He held Leon in one hand, the other holding tightly to a pair of red glasses dangling off his own neck.
When Chris came back Eddie cried. Just a few tears, the ones that had been brimming for a week.
However, after weeks of agonizing over this, it was over. It was over, and his son was in the same room as him safe. Eddie counted each rise of chest waiting until ten before sucking in air of his own to look up toward his doctor.
“I’m sorry.” Eddie said, calming himself down by placing his thumb on Chris’s pulse point on his skinny wrist. “It’s just- it’s all just been a lot.”
“I understand, Mr. Diaz.” Doctor Margaret said not un-kindly. “But rest assure, Christopher was an absolute rock star.”
It only made the tears come faster. Eddie awkwardly laughed, roughly wiping them away. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Thank you. He’s, he’s going to love that.”
Doctor Margaret nodded. She folded her hands over her clipbkared against her chest. “Would you like a moment alone?”
Eddie shook his head. “No, uh. I’d rather do this now, incase he has any questions you know?”
(The only one who had questions was Eddie.)
“The incision is less than an inch long. He has two stiches, but they’re dissolvable so you won’t have to worry about having them removed.” She began, voice gentle. Eddie nodded.
“A lot of things could have gone wrong.” She went on. “ But nothing did. He still has full mobility, there was no excessive bleeding, absolutely nothing to indicate any serious issues. Christopher is going to be fine.”
She told Eddie to have someone page her if he had any more questions before she returned in a few hours, telling him that Chris should wake up soon.
Nurse Lynn came back as Doctor Margaret left, big smile on her face. “He was great in there! He was telling us all about ‘Jake and the Neverland Pirates’ as he went down.”
Eddie nodded. He couldn’t get his eyes off his son, resting a hand on his tiny one. “He loves that show.”
“He’s going to have plenty of time to watch it.” Nurse Lynn said, tidying up any cords that might have loosened up. “He’s young, so he should have a full recovery by five weeks. He'll be able to walk fine within one, but just remember to remind him that he’s going to need to take it easy.”
She winked. “No rough housing, rolling down hills, eating my other patients.”
Eddie smiled gratefully at her.
He’s had the spiel more times than he could count, but he almost needed other hear it again, if only for that one small part: Chris would make a full recovery.
“You already have a physical therapist set up in El Paso, so in a few hours when he’s awake I’ll send over everything about the surgery to them.” Lynn said. She turned, one hand on her hip facing Eddie. She sighed. “Okay, Dad. Chris is fine. He’s breathing, his spinal cord is going to make a full recovery, and pretty soon he’ll be able to draw you a picture until his little heart content. Now, how are you doing?”
Eddie blinked.
How was he? Him? The guy who got left because he wasn’t present enough, they guy who, a year ago, was in his own surgery and recovery room because he was riddled with bullet holes? That guy?
Eddie sucked in a deep breath through his nose. “Uh.”
Lynn smiled and tilted her head to the side. She crossed over the room and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You’re going to be okay. He’s going to be okay. In ten years when he’s trying to learn how to drive, you’ll be wishing for the time he was forced to be on bedrest.”
He tried to smile, but couldn’t.
Yet, after she left, the idea of Chris driving lingered.
He’s learned a lot about cerebral palsy since the diagnoses. He had to shift his entire perspective, and when he was done freaking out, he was able to relax and see the bigger picture.
And that picture purely was that Chris deserved a happy life, and Eddie would do anything to get it.
Feeling so impossibly alone at the age of twenty four, Eddie leaned forward and kissed Chris’s hand, careful to avoid any wires. “You’re going to have to have a big, beautiful life.”
That was a promise.
One phone call to his parents, one to his abuela, and one to his job later, Chris finally started to wake up.
“Hey!” Eddie said, hanging up the phone and throwing it haphazardly on the little side table. He rested the tips of his fingers on Chris's arm; gently.“Hi baby, come on. Wake up.”
Chris opened his blue eyes, blinming at the bright room. It was close to noon. “Daddy.”
Eddie grinned, reaching up slowly to trace his son's soft jaw. “Hey honey, hi baby. You did so good, Doctors Margaret said you were a rock-star the entire time.”
Chris blinked hard at him, nose scrunching. “mm ‘rock star?”
“Yeah honey.”
“What kinda rock?”
Eddie tilted his head. “Huh?”
“What kind- what kinda rock did she say I was?” He repeated, voice groggy. He blinked a few times, squinting up at Eddie.
Chris was clearly waiting for him to say what kind of earth-made rock he was compared to, not caring for the moment that he just had some intense surgery on his legs.
Like a- well, like a boulder to his chest, Eddie realized one thing:
That, even if Shannon did deicide to come back, that Eddie couldn’t trust her with their son. His son.
His.
She didn’t get to leave and have absolutely no contact whatsoever and than possibly return. And what? What was Eddie betting this all on- a feeling?
He had absolutely no reason to trust her. Not anymore. Not with someone as important as Christopher, as loving, kind, and brave.
Eddie may love her, but he doesn’t love her enough. He didn’t think even liked her anymore.
Rubbing his cheeks, Eddie grinned, blinking back whatever moisture snuck into his eyes. “A quartz. The pretty one you put next to the window.”
“Oh.” Chris said back. He nodded back slowly. “Yeah, it’s a, it’s a pretty one.” He stuck his tongue between the gap in his front teeth. “Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“Can my friends at school sign my cast?”
Eddie sighed, tilting his head. “You don’t have a cast. Remember? You got it done on your back.”
“Oh.” Chris frowned. “Well, can- can I get a cast for them to sign? We all signed Colleen’s when she broke her arm.”
“You don’t have anything broken.”
“I could. Can you ask the doctor to break my arm?”
Eddie couldn’t help it- he started laughing.
Laughing at his child’s only aspiration in life to be a funky rock, laughing at the absurdity of going to Doctor Margaret and saying “Hey can you break this little child’s arm, he wants to be like Collen”, laughing at he fact that Eddie was sitting in the hospital room alone.
He was alone. No partner to lean against, no one to pass dark jokes to distract themselves. No one to go to physical therapy with, or so split the bills, or even have dinner.
It was just…It was him and Chris. It was just the two of them.
“You know what.” Eddie said, leaning forward the kiss the sweet little frown of his son’s face. “How about I get you a poster board, and all your friends can sign that, hm? I bet Colleen doesn’t have that.”
Chris smiled, eyes still a little unfocused. He clutched Leon closer to his chest. “It’ll be like the whiteboard with all our names!”
“Yeah, but in your room.”
“Whoa.”
(Eddie waited for any type of correspondence from Shannon for one month. By the end of the thirty days, Eddie went and filed for legal separation and full custody. He was awarded both.)
Meeting Evan Buckley was one of the funniest things Eddie had ever done in his entire life.
First of all- the dumb macho man shit he tried pulling on Eddie. You can’t be macho if you’re taking pictures of yourself in the gym.
(Unfortunately, Buck later showed him the photo that he took when Eddie missed the stationary sandbag when he was watching Buck. It was embarrassing for both.)
Buck didn’t strike Eddie as a complicated guy. A bit insecure but who wasn’t? He had a big heart at least, bonding with Christopher in the car ride to his place.
“Does your jeep always smell like this?” Chris asked, no indication of sleepiness despite the late hour.
“Chris!” Eddie chided, cheeks going red at his son’s question.
“What?” Chris said, shocked. “It smells weird!”
Buck, instead of getting annoyed, just laughed as he drove around a fallen tree. “It’s alright! I used to live in here for a while, so it does smell weird. Not that I would know.”
As funky as the jeep did smell, it wasn’t completely unpleasant.
The leather upholstery wasn’t grimy, or dirty. There was a tear where the seat adjuster was, the foam peeking. The glove box had a few dents in it, and Eddie would be surprised if Buck could get it open. The passenger side was missing a visor.
The jeep had character, funky smell or not. And clearly, Eddie needed to work on social cues with his seven-year-old.
“You lived in here?” Chris asked, sounding apprehensive. “Why?”
For the love of Mary and Joseph.
Eddie quickly looked over at Buck, who was chuckling. “You don’t have to answer that, Buck.”
“What!?”
Buck waved Eddie and his flaming red cheeks off. “Nah, it’s fine! Yeah, I used to live in here. On and off for a few years when I was traveling the country.” He paused. “Well, countries. I lived down in South America for a few months there.”
Eddie whistled. “Damn. How long you travel for?”
Buck shrugged. “Few years. I didn’t do anything to crazy- I was just trying to find a place I liked well enough.”
For a guy that talked so (very) much, Eddie didn’t know a whole lot about him. He didn’t mind- wasn’t like Eddie could say anything different.
Veteran, single father. That summed up Eddie in one sentence.
As the week went on and more calls they worked together on, Eddie was able to say one thing for sure about Buck: Singleish.
There were personality traits that Eddie liked, of course; The guy always had a smile when he went to work, he was for sure a team player, albeit he seemed to like doing the more extreme jobs (scaling buildings, The Maneuver, petting dangerous dogs), damn, the dude even willingly did the dishes.
The dishes, ugh. Couldn't be Eddie.
Yet,at the base of it all, Buck seemed to simple enjoy helping people.
Eddie thought it was because Buck had been there long enough that he wanted a moment to chat with Chimney if he was rolling the hose, or being nosy about was the inventory was in the ambulance when Hen or Felics was restocking. When Bobby cooked, chances were Buck was right next to him chopping the tomatoes.
It wasn’t until Eddie was introduced to Carla that he thought oh. He’s just a good guy.
And the more he observed (watched (kinda stalked whatever shutup)), the more it was cemented in his brain.
Doing laundry without a second thoughts, helping with groceries even when it wasn’t his turn too, always being able to cover or switch shifts, being the go-to guy if something needed to be fix or thrown out.
The dishes.
All that being said, Buck was also a bit of hardass. Eddie once didn’t use a coaster with his glass of water and he thought Buck was going to make two little holes into the side of his head with his glaring.
The others would joke/complain about Buck’s tendencies, but Eddie found himself not minding. He respected the hell out of him for wanting to actually take care of he firehouse, especially since the man was still crashing on his sisters couch.
“It really isn’t bad.” Buck said. He was absently drawing planets on the spare piece of construction paper. Eddie found himself staring to long at the spots the marker touched his skin,staining. “I mean, it's bad. But I’ve been on worse!”
The three of them (Eddie, Buck, and Chris) were at Eddie’s dining room table, surrounded by stray bits of arts and craft materials.
Eddie had only invited Buck because Chris was egging o bring him over- also, Eddie just plain old liked Buck. Something he had to assure Buck of. Twice.
“At one point when I was making my way into Peru-“ Buck went on. “- I ran out of gas on the highway, right. So I had to hike for a day to the gas station, and I slept on the side of the road-“
“Why?” Eddie’s very impressionable seven-year-old asked, not bothering to look up from the tree he was coloring.
Buck shrugged. “I didn’t have a choice. If I was smarter I would have remembered to get gas at the station before I passed it, but I hadn’t known it was going to be the last one for a long time.”
Chris paused, He looked up at Eddie. “Do you know where all the gas stations are?”
Eddie laughed as Buck squawked.
It was nice having another adult in his house, even if it was his co-worker. Eddie missed this- especially since the other adult wasn't constantly trying to tell him what a shit father he was.
But it was getting late and Eddie had let Chris "forget" about his chores because they invited Buck over.
Not that Eddie really thought Buck was judging him if there were a whopping four dishes in the sink, but Eddie was trying to install a sense of independence in his kid.
Also, Eddie hated doing dishes. Whatever.
“Don’t forget to do your chore after your done cleaning.” Eddie reminded Chris as they all heaved the markers and crayons into a whicker basket he’s had forever.
Buck, for some reason, smiled at that. There could be a teeny-tiny chance that the guy had caught on his disdain for dishes, seeing how Eddie was willing to trade it for any other chore at the firehouse.
Any other. He almost went to Bullock to trade dishes for bathroom duty.
(Buck, being the nice guy he was, came over to talk with him through it before helping to load them up in the dishwasher. While still horrible, it wasn’t as intolerable.)
Chris sighed, holding up his hand pathetically. “I can’t.”
Now, Chris was usually a good kid. Most of the time he had no issue doing his chores- something he tried to get around with when they first came to California and he realized that other people would treat him like a baby because of his cp.
But Eddie, having known the kid for more than a day, didn’t give a flying fuck. Sorry you can’t go very fast dude, but there’s no race to wash the dishes.
“How come?” Eddie wondered, raising his brows.
Chris wiggled his fingers. “I gave myself a paper-cut.”
Eddie snatched his hand and gasped. “Oh. My. GOD! Call the doctor, it’s gotta be removed!” He glared down at Chris. “You’re fine.”
“No I’m not! I’m, I’m wounded!”
So it was going to be like that, huh?
Instead of getting a butter knife and performing life saving surgery on his dining room table, Eddie did the next best thing: He kissed the world’s tiniest cut.
He hummed as he did so, making Chris giggle as he fought Eddie off. “Ew! Stop it tickles!”
“Oh I though you were wounded!” Eddie said and kissed the cut again, this time going mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
“Ew ew! FINE!” Chris took his hand away from Eddie’s loosen grip. “I’ll wash the plates!”
“I healed you!” Eddie all but yelled. He lifted his hand to heart and wiped away a fake tear. “I, Edmundo Diaz, single handedly saved Christopher Diaz’s little artist hand!”
“So that’s how you got to be top of your class.” Buck mused, keys in his hand. “See, I used to kiss everyone but the only thing I got was the pink slip.”
Eddie tilted his head. “When did you get fired?”
Buck grinned. “This time last year.”
So that would mean...this job? The job they were both at? “When did you get back?”
“This time last year, take away a week.” Buck shrugged.
There was no doubt in Eddie’s mind that Buck had way more exciting things to do than to hang out with a seven year old and his sort of lame father for the day. Especially when he talks about events like Peru and getting fired for having sex on top of roofs.
The day Eddie found out that Buck was older than him was like a punch to his gut.
It wasn’t often that Eddie would not miss the life he could have had, but wonder what he would have done with it.
He was willing to bet that, with no baby to take care of, he would have stayed in Texas and let himself be chipped away by his parents in the name of ‘love’.
Maybe he would have been a construction worker (although he wasn’t very skilled with tools). He’s sure he most likely would have gone into the warehouse, something he had been doing before Shannon had the baby.
Buck was out there traveling the world and Eddie was so envious of him. No one to nag at him for what he wore, no one to pressure him into doing anything he didn’t want, no one to remind him how/why/when he went wrong. Buck was a free man.
But those thoughts would only be for a moment before he felt such an intense wave of guilt for imagining a life without Chris that he would make up for it by letting him eat dessert before dinner or something.
Sure, Eddie wished he had Chris a little later, but there wasn’t anything he was willing to trade for him.
A sense of responsibility, of knowing that you can love someone greater than your own wants, knowing that you’re willing to do anything for someone…no. There’s not anything like that in the world.
And Eddie felt bad knowing that that was what Buck was missing. He didn’t have any idea, not like Eddie would know. All he knew was that Buck pinned after some invisible woman that may or may not have existed.
Buck didn’t deserve that. With everything he didn’t know about the man, Eddie knew that Buck deserved more.
Which brought them to where they were.
Buck, the dumb ass, had done something to his wrist on the last call. Nothing crazy, a little sprang that was going to be healed by the next week.
They were in the room where he had just had his cast on, Buck, Bobby, and Eddie.
Eddie really wasn’t sure how he ended up as part of the crew in here, but he didn’t mind. Afterall, Buck was his partner- he liked knowing where the limitation would be for when he came back to work.
Buck was shifting side to side in his spot, a little loopy from the pain meds they gave him. The nurse had just left, explaining to Bobby that he was going to be fine, that he’s just going to want an Advil and if he wanted the stronger pain meds the subscription was going to be sent to the local Walgreens.
“You got all tha, Bobby?” Buck giggled, tilting his head back in the hospital bed. He was getting soot all over the sheets. “You gotta, gotta make sure I’m taking my meds!”
Bobby sighed, smiling down at him. He clapped him on his shoulder. “I don’t think you really need me for that, Buck.”
Then things got weird.
Buck was a big dude- the uniform didn’t do him justice, those stupidly tight shirts getting smaller and smaller every day it seemed.
Eddie had watched the man run into burning buildings, scale cliffs, even get into drunk guys faces all the time. He’s been called some of the worst things that Eddie had ever heard, been kicked in places that should never be kicked, and last week Eddie saw him almost get clipped by a passing car.
So, when Buck’s eyes got all big and sad, immediately filling with water, Eddie had to admit he was out of his depth.
“You-“Buck started, voice small. He sniffed. “You don’t wanna be my ‘mergency contact anymore?”
Eddie’s jaw fell.
No, no way. There was no way that his boss was his emergency contact.
Bobby sighed. “They got you on that really good stuff, don’t they?”
Buck nodded slowly, the tears going down. His bottom lip started turning down, and he was looking at Bobby like the guy kicked his dog.
“Why are you-?” Eddie started.
Then Buck turned toward him, eyebrows shooting up high. He grinned and all tears were gone. “Oh! Hey Eddie! When you get here!”
Buck had started reaching for Eddie’s hand, trying to awkwardly give him what Eddie thought was a high five.
Bobby made a humming nose next to him. “Yeah, found out last year.”
At Eddie’s question gaze, bobby went on. “He needed an emergency tracheotomy. Got checked into the hospital, hospital called me.”
“Emergency-?” Eddie shook his head. “Jesus.”
“Hey, hey Eddie.” Buck said. Eddie looked down.
Buck was awkwardly holding his wrist, his other hand going up to prod at Eddie’s fingers. “You gots, you got yourself a boo-boo.”
He really didn’t. He didn’t even get it on the job- he missed the nail at home, and instead the hammer slammed on his thumbnail. It was a small bruise.
“Yeah, I do.” Eddie turned back toward Bobby. “Anyways, you’re his- “
“Don’t worry.” Buck sing songed. “I gotchu.”
“Great. You’re his e.c.?” Eddie finally asked.
Bobby nodded. There was tension his brow, but he had a faint smile. Almost like he didn’t necessarily want to be finding something funny in the situation. “Yeah. No warning.”
Eddie was going to respond but before he could, Buck was...making out with his thumb.
To be clear: Buck was kissing his thumb.
To be very clear: Buck, a grown twenty-seven year old man, was kissing Eddie's, also a grown twenty-seven year old man, thumb
Alright, making out might have been too strong of a word. Buck was, surprisingly, being very gentle with the little butterfly kisses he was giving Eddie.
“Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.” He hummed happily between each one, placing them right on his bruised nail.
And what did Eddie do as the grown ass man did it?
Oh he froze. Completely.
It wasn’t unpleasant, really, those little kisses Buck was smacking on him. Strange, yes. Yet only because Buck was the first person outside of the family to kiss him in- in years.
There was a warmth in those tiny kisses, a sensation that travelled up Eddie’s thumb, past his shoulders, down to his toes and back up at the base of his spine. Something sweet.
“Hey, buddy.” Eddie finally asked when the silence became too much. “What are you doing?”
Buck paused, giving him a look so serious that Eddie was about to call bullshit on the pain meds. “I’m making you better. Idiot.”
He waited for Eddie to acknowledge him, not giving his thumb any more attention.
Eddie…well, it wasn’t like Buck was hurting him. Quite the opposite. So he nodded and said “Oh. Thanks, Buck.”
And if wiggled his thumb to remind Buck that he could…continue…well, who was Eddie to stop him? He wasn’t going to say he had to keep up with those kisses, but he definitely wasn’t going to go through any effort to stop.
Buck nodded once and went back to kissing his thumbnail.
“What am I watching?”
Eddie looked back up to their (oh god) to their Captain of a very real and very grown-up job.
In an instant, Eddie's face was on fire. “I- Last week, Chris got a paper cut.”
Which was true.
Bobby’s eyebrows were completely in his hairline. “Alright…?”
“And I-“Eddie swallowed. “I kissed it better.”
Again, true.
They both waited for Eddie to say something that would explain the situation.
“It was-“Eddie choked on air. He hated his life. “It was his turn to do the dishes.”
“Right.”
They continued to stare at one another.
Eddie was starting to sweat around his neck. There he was, at his grown age of twenty-seven, and had to look his boss in the eye acting like it was normal for his new college/friend to be making out with his thumb.
Buck was acting like it was normal behavior, sitting contently on the bed with Eddie’s wrist in a death grip. Eddie couldn’t have been able to rip it away without a decent fight (which affected Eddie in no way whatsoever thankyouverymuch).
“Okay.” Bobby said after a solid thirty seconds of Buck going mwah! He clapped his hands together. “So, am I fighting him away from your terrible wound, or are you wrestling him into my car?”
Eddie tried not to frown. It was just- clearly, Buck was set with staying with Eddie. It was like Bobby wasn’t seeing what was happening.
“I can just take him to my place.” Eddie said back, hopefully succeeding in keeping his dignity.
(He doubted it.)
“He can go home later tonight.” Bobby argued. “The meds are going to wear off soon, he might want his car with him.”
Right. Because Bobby lived closer to the station. And, did not have a kid with an early bedtime. On a school night.
...However, Eddie had a nice couch. Nicer then Maddie's (sorry Maddie).
The awkward silence continued. Eddie felt the line of sweat drip down his lower back, almost between his butt crack.
This was his life. A year ago Eddie was on the brink of total exhaustion from working three jobs, and now he was fighting for the right for his man-child best friend to crash on his couch.
Ah, well, at least he saw his son more.
“Can I have a pasta, please?” Buck asked, cutting through the awkward atmosphere. He was using a horrible posh accent. “I would really like, like a pasta.”
Eddie lifted his jaw a centimeter. “I got noodles at my place Buck.”
Bobby’s face dropped. “Seriously?”
“Seriously!” Buck exclaimed loudly. Eddie felt him physically cringe. “Ow.”
Bobby closed his eyes and shook his head. “I want to say I’m surprised, but I know for a fact that he’d do worse for you.”
Eddie tried not to let that get to his head. As it was, he was already flying on cloud nine.
Which was stupid. Why the fuck was he about to go to battle with Bobby over a loopy Buck? It wasn’t like it was Bobby’s first day- in fact, Eddie really had no right at all to take Buck home.
It just seemed like he was a good option. That’s all. Eddie knew what he was doing. Not that Bobby didn’t!
Eddie went to open his mouth to apologize for being so demanding when Maddie came bursting nto the room.
“I am so sorry, Buck!” She spoke. Her hair was pulled back from her face and her visitors badge was hanging loosing on hia shirt collar. “I had to get gas, and gas in this city is so damn expensive, so then I had to find a- “
Eddie knew she saw what was happening as soon as she stopped talking. He waved with his other hand. “Hey, Maddie.”
Maddie opened and closed her mouth a few times, before slowly grinning. “Eddie.” She nodded to Bobby. “Captain.”
“Buck.” Buck murmured, leaning away from the now spit-shiny thumb nail. Buck grinned at Maddie. “Maddie! Hi Maddie! I healed Eddie’s thumb!”
And to prove his new magical powers, Buck about yanked Eddie’s arm out of socket to show Maddie the dark bruise.
“Uh uh.” Maddie said, stepping closer. She reached out with one hand. “Buck, you’re going to rip his arm off.”
“I’d kiss it better.”
Maddie nodded. “Yeah, you uh- you could definitely do that.” She looked up toward Bobby and Eddie. “Is he all set to leave? I’m so sorry I missed everything- “
Bobby waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it, this is pretty much the most exciting thing you missed. He’s all set to go, just needs to be check-out.”
“Taylor Kelly checks me out.”
Eddie tried not to roll his eyes. “Yeah, checking you out for a story.”
Buck whipped his head up. The action made him go cross-eyed. “No! It’s cause I’m hot!”
Not that Eddie was going to argue the validity of Buck’s attractiveness, but he also was letting a full-grown man kiss his thumb to make it better. He was certain that was saying enough.
“I changed your diapers, Buck.” Maddie said. “Please let go of the man’s hand so we can home.”
Buck frowned. “I want pasta.”
“I can make you pasta.”
Buck sighed, smiling. He looked up at Bobby. “She’s gonna, she’s gonna make me pasta.”
“And I am so very happy for you.” Bobby said, smiling. "I hope you tell me all about it later."
“You made me, made me soup.”
“You had a tracheostomy, what did you want me to give you? More bread?”
Buck pouted. He didn’t let go of Eddies hand, not until Maddie wheeled him out of the room.
Later that night while he was scrolling on Instagram in bed, his phone rang.
Eddie was already smiling when he answered. “Hey- “
“Sorry for making out with your thumb.” Buck rushed, laughing. “I genuinely thought I was healing you with my spit.”
Eddie grinned, leaning back against the pillows. “It’s all good man.” He flexed his hand. “Although, I will say, I think you defiantly healed it.”
“Oh my god.” Buck groaned, rustling whatever bedding he was curled up under. “I promise you, I’m usually all about consent.”
“If I really minded, I would have, you know, taken my hand away.” Eddie responded. He curled up on his side, shoving one pillow between his knees.
Buck hummed. Eddie's eardrum vibrated with it. “Yeah, I guess. Did you know that, really, our salvia can help heal wounds quicker?”
Eddie did know that. He could tell Buck that, but…he liked hearing what Buck was saying. It was nice having a friend who talked.
“That’s definitely not true.” Eddie argued.
“…Okay I thought you know it did but hang on. I’m about to send you so many links.”
Eddie smiled and closed his eyes.
He had always been a sucker for pretty privilege.
(Two weeks later he would meet Shannon again.)
Eddie started to notice that Buck had no problem kissing his collueges (friends?) hurts away.
If Chimney had a headache, Buck was there to plant on the side of his head. If Hen’s knuckles were cramping, Buck was there to kiss the palm of her hand with an obnoxious wet sound.
Not even Bobby was saved from the power of Buck’s love. Once he had a burn on his arm and Buck had come over and planted one right on his bandages with a twinkle in his eye.
They would all push him away, saying something along the lines of “Jesus Buck you’re a horn dog” and “Did you brush your teeth at least” and “Buck we’re adults.”
But no one ever explicitly pushed him away. In fact, they all were warming up more and more each time Buck came over with his duck-shaped mouth at the ready.
And Eddie knew it was because of him. He did that! He, Eddie Diaz, showed someone else a new way to show affection! He almost called his father to tell him.
You told me to be tough and I taught this guy who regularly walks into burning buildings for a living to kiss booboos, suck on THAT!
Was a bit weird to kiss your adult friends, yeah maybe. But did Eddie mind, especially since he was also a recipient of a fun little make-up kiss when he got hurt?
No. No, he did not.
One month after the truck explosion, Eddie went over to Buck’s.
It wasn’t the first time- Eddie had gone over previously, but usually with an eight-year-old. Not that Chris got in the way of Grown-Up Talk, but Eddie didn’t feel comfortable asking Buck about his pain when the kid was in the way.
He had his own key, given to him by Buck a few months ago. He was lucky he did have one, because when he let himself in, he heard Buck call out from the bathroom he’d be out in a few minutes.
(Seeing how Eddie had gone over with no warning, he supposed he should be lucky he didn’t catch Buck doing anything else.)
Eddie had a love/hate relationship with Buck’s couch. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it also wasn’t worth having a nice long nap on. There were to many divots that sunk and cushioning that was so flat your ass would end up on the hard wooden supports.
The couch had a nice dent in it, just at the spot a flat ass would settle in if, say, owner of said flat ass would lay down if they had a broken leg.
Comfortable pillows, Advil (because of course why would Buck get the good pain meds and make his life just a little more bearable), a mini trash can, and a rolling cart pushed to the side that held an array of snacks.
“Hey!” Buck said, big old grin on his face. “What’s up?”
His drenched curls were pushed back from his face, and Eddie watched as a droplet of water inched off one and down Buck’s cheekbone.
Eddie cleared his throat. “Uh- uh nothing.” He paused as buck made his way across his loft, grabbing his bottle of water from the counter. “Just hadn’t seen you in a while.”
Which wasn’t a complete lie. He had come around about two weeks ago with Chris, and they’ve pretty much had talked every day. It just wasn’t the same as being able to be in the same room as Buck, to hang out with him in person.
But, looking around, Eddie found that maybe he should have come by more.
Buck clapped him on the shoulder as he walked by, the crutch narrowly missing his foot. “Well, I’m glad you stopped by man. I mean, your no Christopher but I’ll make do.”
That was the remarkable thing about having a friend- oh who was Eddie kidding. That was the remarkable thing about having a best friend (at his grown age of twenty-eight) like Buck- he genuinely enjoyed hanging out with his kid.
One day Eddie even had a lapse of who could watch Chris and Buck had automatically said, without prompt, “I can swing by and grab him, no biggie.”
And it wasn’t! Buck liked Chris, and Chris fucking loved Buck back with a passion. One time he almost started crying because he couldn’t sit behind Buck in his funky jeep because his car seat was behind the passengers.
(That day was rough. Eddie had almost cried because he couldn’t sit behind Buck in his funky jeep because the car seat was behind the passengers. Reminded him why he always needed to remeber the snack bag.)
Eddie turned back to Buck and crossed his arms. “Speaking of Chris, where’s Ali?”
Buck, halfway back to the couch, turned and gave him a look. “Chris reminds you of Ali?”
“No, he reminds me that someone should be here with you.” Eddie said, following behind him. “I don’t think I’ve heard from her in a minute. Wanted to see what she was up to.”
That was a lie. Eddie didn’t necessarily mind Ali, but they’ve spoken a total of three times since Buck had been seeing her. Truthfully, Eddie liked her well enough for the fact that she wasn’t Taylor Kelly.
Buck shrugged, settling on the couch awkwardly. It was a sorry sight. “She’s fine.”
“When she coming around?” Eddie questioned. He sat down on the love chair that was suspiciously void of any dents. “I wanna see if I can spring you from prison for a little bit.”
“Oh ha-ha.” Buck deadpanned, swinging his broken leg up with ease. His bare toes looked cold. “She’s working late, so you’ll have to submit your from in writing.”
“She’s a relator.” Eddie pressed. “How late can she be?”
“People want to buy houses at night.” Buck defended.
Eddie nodded. “Yeah. Right. Makes sense.”
They stared at one another.
Finally, Buck sighed. “Okay, we broke up a bit ago. But it’s fine! This isn’t he first broken limb I’ve had.” He shrugged. “The doctors in my hometown must have known me better than any of my high school girlfriends.”
Not for the first time, Eddie was hit with the realization that Buck had lived a completely different life than he did from that moment. He wouldn’t claim to know all of Buck’s dark secrets- but the fact that his parents didn’t come for either Maddie or him seemed to be enough.
And if it wasn’t well…Bobby was still Buck’s emergency contact, even after his sister had come back into the picture. So either Buck really trusted Bobby, or he didn’t fully yet trust Maddie.
All that Buck had been here alone for God knows how long, dealing with this by himself.
Yes, he was a grown man. He very much had it all handled. Hell, Eddie would probably be doing the same thing.
But…but why didn’t he just say anything in the first place?
Eddie would have come over. Buck knew that. Right?
Eddie frowned at his beer. It was only, what, a year? If that? Why was Eddie getting himself worked up over this, it was ridiculous. They were grown men.
However...ten months ago, Eddie looked at Buck and just saw some guy who had too much time on his hands.
Now?
Buck had been dealing with his leg virtually alone, not letting anyone help him. Not asking for help.
Or...maybe he didn't know it was an option. That Eddie was an option.
Eddie’s hand went to his chest. He rubbed his sternum, grounding himself in how harsh his knuckles dug into his bone.
Oh Buck.
There that guy was, using his boss as his emergency contact. And Eddie had the gall to think this guy has no idea what he’s missing.
It took Eddie a while, but he knew the truth; that Buck knew perfectly well what he was missing.
Knew it so well that dealing with a broken leg by himself was nothing.
Eddie wanted to be sad for him. Fuck, he wanted to ask why he wasn’t so angry at her for leaving, why he wasn’t bad mouthing about her at every chance he got. He wanted to ask why didn’t you tell me?
But Eddie didn’t want to call Buck out like that. That’s a lie- he did, he desperately wanted to know why he wasn’t good enough, why Buck would rather be fucking alone than to ask Eddie for help and God wasn't that the fucking THEME of Eddie, that anyone he cared about didn't know or care or just fucking ran away and-
Aaaand maybe Eddie was projecting a little bit there.
He sighed. “Shannon and I were going to get a divorce.”
Buck whipped his head toward him like he was crazy. Honestly, Eddie got it. The poor guy was only trying to alleviate the three snapped bones in his body, but sure. Go ahead Diaz, spill your guts out.
“Um.” Buck blinked, shaking his head a bit. “Okay. Right. Uh- are you- well, you’re not okay, but. Um.”
They both stared at one another in silence. Painful, silence.
Eddie winced. “I’m sorry- it was, I was going to say something, but then you- uh. You got a little…” He trailed off, waving at Buck’s bum leg.
Buck mouth quirked up in the corner. “Flattened like a pancake?”
Eddie nodded, sinking back into the chair cushions. “Yeah.”
“Well.” Buck said, cupping his fingers in front of him. “If I weren’t flattened, and your wife hadn’t just... oh my god!”
“What?”
“Dude, your best friend, and ex-wife both got ran over by vehicles in the same week. Are you okay?” Buck exclaimed, wincing at his own movements. “Hang on- give me an Advil and tell me after-“
“Buck!” Eddie interrupted. “No, man, don’t even worry. I was just thinking, and it slipped out-“
“No I’m glad you’re telling me! Jesus, I haven’t even asked- sorry man, I wasn’t-“
“-Why would you have asked? You’ve been here all alone-“
“-Maddie comes over!” Buck defended.
“-and it’s not like I’m doing anything.” Eddie finished lamely. A little pathetically.
There was a heavy silence in the air after he said that. Eddie gritted his teeth, hating himself for making it so.
Buck sighed, shifting further back in the couch. “How are you doing? Pretend that my leg isn't broken right now and tell me."
When Eddie raised an eyebrow, Buck smiled. "Come on, let me help. I'm having withdrawals."
Pretty hard considering Eddie could see his bruised toes peeking from the giant white cast.
“I’m fine.” Eddie said eventually. He crossed his arms again. “Chris, uh, I think it’s finally hitting him that he’s really never going to see her again.”
Buck nodded. “This whole thing has got to be traumatizing.” He paused. “For both of you.”
Eddie knew where Buck was headed with his statement. Oh, the mother and wife who left you once left you again, but this time it was because she died.
Eddie was sad about it, yeah. But he wasn’t scarred from the experience. Not at all.
He was fine. He didn’t lose his mother. Shannon was going to ask for a divorce anyways. They were going to go their separate ways, and only talk when I pertained to their son. Their son who deserved a happy alive family, who only had Eddie now.
Eddie, who was left. Eddie, who couldn’t be bothered to show up to his best friend’s place after he was blown up. Eddie, who had a letter that Shannon wrote in case she left. Again.
“I only let her and Chris have three months together.” Eddie said aloud. HE looked down at his hands. “Do you think- fuck, it’s not enough.”
Buck nodded. “Can I say something? And if it’s too crazy, I’m pulling the whole ‘My leg got shattered by a firetruck and we’re still not sure how much mobility I’ll get back’ card.”
Eddie gave a weak chuckle. “Oh boy. But yeah, of course.”
Buck scooted up higher on the couch. “You don’t know if that- you don’t even know if she was going to leave anyways.”
Eddie sucked in a ragged breath.
“She wrote a letter to Chris to say goodbye.” Buck continued. “And I’m sorry, but that’s shitty. I didn’t know her as well as you did, obviously, but I know Chris and I know you. It was one thing to leave you- like, you were a bad partner? Good on her. But she left her kid. She didn’t contact you for years, not until you forced her hand by telling her you were here. Parents do long distance communication all the time, and she didn’t.”
Buck leaned forward to grab onto Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie didn’t look up.
“You gave Chris more time with someone who might have left anyways.” Buck said. “And, again, I didn’t know her as well as you did. Hen and I-“ Buck laughed. “We were in a bit of anti-Shannon club for a while, not for you though, if that makes any less horrid.”
“What if I had just trusted her from the beginning?” Eddie wondered aloud, almost to himself. “Maybe, maybe that’s why she wrote it. Because I was the one who didn’t let my son see his mother. Maybe if I’d let her be a mother, and I didn’t come on to her to strong and I never slept with her and she didn’t live at my house-“
“WHOA! Whoa! Okay big guy, take a breath for me.” Buck called, arms up. “You need to breath.”
Eddie, who had started to hyperventilate stopped. He took a deep breath in his nose, held it, and let it out. He did it twice more.
“You good?” Buck asked.
Eddie nodded. He didn’t trust his voice.
He knew it was stupid to think of the what-ifs? of it all. He knew that it wasn’t his fault she got by car because she was leaving from his place. He knew that he did the right thing about not trusting her in the beginning, because he was doing it for his son.
But wouldn’t ‘Doing it for my son’ had also meant letting Chris see Shannon when she first came back? At least, maybe not just falling into bed with her because he didn’t want to have the tough conversation (which they were both at fault for).
“Okay.” Buck said. Then he patted his lap. “Come here.”
“What?” Eddie laughed, wiping his snot on a stray tissue. “Buck you can barely hold yourself up, I’m not sitting on you.”
“Why not?” Buck argued back. He smiled. “Come on, you don’t weigh half as much as a firetruck.”
Eddie debated with himself. Realistically, he was a twenty-eight-year-old man and did not need a hug from his almost pancaked best friend.
On the other hand…he really fucking needed a hug.
Sighing, like he was only doing this for Buck’s benefit and not because if someone doesn’t touch him without blood all over themselves, he might explode, Eddie dumped himself in Buck’s space.
He had to bend at the knee awkwardly on the hard floor, leaning his body over Buck’s body which resulted in hia own back hurting. He tried not to get too close least to jostle the broken leg, but that meant he had to keep his body stiff like a plank of wood.
But he had his head tucked into the space between Buck’s neck and his shoulder, his hand just underneath his armpits and in that warm space between his body and the couch. It was nice.
Having sex with Shannon was good, really. But it wasn’t- it wasn’t nice. It was just frustration and hurt all wound up into one, and it was the only way Eddie could do something about it.
So, he wasn’t sure what it meant for himself that hugging Buck was nice.
Eddie sighed, sinking into Buck’s shoulder. “I feel so stupid.”
Buck hummed. “You look it, but you’re not.”
Heart hammering in his chest Eddie was barely keeping it together fort eh time being.
He loved Shannon, no matter what, he loved her. It wasn’t explosive, or life-altering. It wasn’t life or death for him now that she was gone.
It was this: He loved her, she loved him. She left him, and she wanted a divorce.
So, when Buck sighed against his temple and pressed a hard kiss on the center of his forehead, Eddie finally let himself break.
Let himself cry for the fourteen-year-old girl who held his hand and walked him around the lake to tell him all about the new show she was watching. Cried for the girl who, at fifteen, got her learners permit and got her first job as a page in the local library.
Cried for the girl who, at eighteen, had a Vampire Diaries poster up in her room and a bedazzled graduation cap that matched her best friends.
He cried for the nineteen-year-old who gave birth, who was left alone, who raised a child all on her own. Whose legal partner was glad he joined the army just to avoid the reality of life then.
He cried for the twenty-three-year-old who left and never got to properly know her son. Who abandoned her son. Who left her son and never contacted him.
He cried for the letter she wrote because…because she was going to do it again. Or maybe she wasn’t.
And each time a sob racked through his body, Buck was there to press kiss after kiss onto his forehead.
**
Eddie was half a bag of cheeseballs in when Buck came up to him and asked-
“Can I apologize to Chris?”
His voice was steady, a complete contrast to the guy’s stance. Honestly, he looked like he was a kid about to be handed the world’s ugliest sweater and be forced to wear it.
Eddie swallowed the last ball dry, wincing as it scraped down his throat. “What?”
“You were right.” Buck went on. “In the grocery store. I could have called during the lawsuit, and I didn’t. I want to say sorry to him.”
Sticking his tongue between his teeth, Eddie thought about it.
He appreciated the sentiment, and he knew for a fact that Buck did mean it when he said he wanted to apologize to his son.
But he also wanted to go to the fight club that night, and if Buck came over there was almost no way that he was going to make it. Not that he couldn’t just tell Buck to leave his place.
It was just…Eddie really did miss having Buck around.
So, shoving any disappointment on his maybe-cancelled plans, Eddie nodded. “Yeah. Of course. Want to come over after our shift?”
Buck smiled. “Yes! Uh, yes, sure.”
Eddie nodded and went back to his cheeseballs. Suddenly he wasn’t that hungry.
It was one thing to suddenly see Shannon- Chris barely remembered her. But for Buck? It was just so different. It was a different relationship.
Reliable. That’s what it was- Buck was just more reliable than anyone else he had ever met, broken legs or not. He literally saved Christopher’s life!
He walked for miles, for hours, looking for him after Chris fell off the engine. Buck almost died because he didn’t know that Chris was pulled out and was sitting safely with a team of first responders.
And what did Eddie do? Gave him money for pizza and then used him for free babysitting.
Okay, the babysitting part wasn’t the intention. He just didn’t know how else to make Buck happy, and Eddie was willing to share his son for a few hours a day.
Eddie choked on his cheeseball.
That’s it! That was what had been bothering Eddie- because he was sharing his son, something he promised not to do since Chris was four years old and asking what kind of rock the doctor called him.
He missed Buck because he had grown so used to Buck just being there. In the year that Eddie had known him. Buck had sort of become a structure in his life that, when gone, was…it sucked.
And it was only three weeks! Three weeks of silence- Eddie had gone longer without talking to his sisters! Eddie’s gone longer without talking to his little nieces!
It didn’t make sense for Eddie to get so bent out of shape when Buck didn’t talk to him or Chris, not when Eddie was doing the same thing to his own flesh and blood.
Eddie sighed, giving up on the balls completely. “I need to apologize to.”
Buck, who had been oblivious on Eddie’s plight, tilted his head. “Uh, why? You didn’t do anything.”
“I know.” Eddie said. “I didn’t do anything, knowing that you were going through all…that.”
“What? Dude, there is no reason to.” Buck said. His brows furrowed. “Lawsuit aside, I kind of was being a bit of a dick. I didn’t talk to you after- “
“You did! I’m the one who didn’t- “
“No I’m one – “
They paused, looking at one another.
“I put a lawsuit- “
“I just assumed that- “
They both paused again.
“I- “
“I- “
For the love of every loving moly.
“I called you exhausting.” Eddie said, still regretful.
Buck waved his hand. “I bought cat laxatives. We all say and do some things we don’t like. Life goes on.”
Eddie wanted to press on, but he got it. He had the bruises to show just how much he understood.
“Your parents didn’t come for you.” Eddie said quietly, changing the subject to something he also hated. “You or Maddie.”
Buck nodded. “They wouldn’t.”
If there was one thing Eddie knew, it was that parents would come for him. He’d be kicking and screaming for them not to, and they would still be there.
Almost to the suffocating amount. It was why he didn’t tell them much of anything- it was bad enough they tried to take Chris from him. But for them to come to California was completely out of the question, no matter how much he loved them.
“I’m sorry.” Eddie said honestly.
For a long moment Buck didn’t say anything, twirling his phone around in his hand.
“The 118 is the only family I have.” Buck admitted. His voice was quiet, but solid. “I’ve been alone for so much of my life. Firefighting- it’s the only thing in my life that I’m good at, Eddie. And it felt like Bobby was single handedly singleing me out, making it so I couldn’t do it.”
Buck made a face. “I only told my lawyer all that stuff because I thought it was going to make him understand that oh, yeah. That’s bullshit. Because, you know, think about it- Chimney had a metal rod through his skull, and like two months later he was back. I have a single broken leg (okay it was in three separate pieces whatever), I pass the physical training with flying colors, and I’m approved to continue even after the blood thinners. But no. Bobby said I couldn’t.”
Suddenly, Eddie felt like the world’s biggest dick. “Oh.”
It made so much sense- so much more than just “Oh Buck’s mad.”
Sitting there, it was perfectly clear why Buck – or anyone in his position- would want to retaliate. It wasn’t just some pissing battle- it really was discrimination.
Yes, maybe it wasn’t supposed to be. But Buck couldn’t read Bobby’s mind- how was he supposed to know it all came from a place of caring?
“I only wanted someone to sit and explain all that better then I could to the cheifs, ya know?.” Buck said. His nose was red. “I didn't want to mess it up, and last time I learned upsetting news I quit the job. I figured if I had someone who went to school for fighting, I'd have a better chance at explaining why I should have been back on active duty."
Buck huffed. "My dumbass didn't think he was actually going to suit out on anyone." His hands fisted on his thighs. "Anyways, a shitty thing to do."
Eddie blinked,trying to digest it all.
It...okay, it would make sense for Buck to want someone by his side. Eddie once saw him almost fight to the death because a pretzel cart didn't give Chris as much cheese dip as the kids before him. He even accused the cart man of being racist toward Eddie's very white passing son.
Buck did have a tendency to fixate on one particular thing, and he would throw his whole being into it.
While Eddie liked hearing Buck ramble about one thing or another for hours, Eddie could (regrettable) see why a panel of fire captions and cheifs wouldn't.
Which would explain a lawyer.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Eddie wondered. “I would have- holy shit Buck, it makes sense!”
“What!?” Buck exclaimed. He pointed at Eddie. “No fucking way are you doing this to me right now.”
Eddie leaned back on the couch, glad that no one was around. He was sure he looked stupid the way he was seeing all this fold out in front of him.
“No one knew why you were doing it.” Eddie said. “Like, we made some guesses. Okay, they made guesses. I was just pissed off.” He shook his head. "From our view, it just looked like you were mad that you quit."
(Which made Eddie almost want to take a look at how he viewed Bobby. Maybe he should be worried on blatant...what? Prejudice? Favoritism? Eddie would understand if Bobby was Buck's family, but come on.)
“I should have asked why you were doing it.” Eddie sighed, reaching forward for the water bottle to have something in his hands. “If I saw down for five seconds I would have known you wouldn’t do something like that for no reason, but I was just-“
“Still recovering from your ex-ish wife’s death?” Buck prompted, one hand fisted on his thigh.
Eddie nodded while he drank from water.
If Eddie had to guess why, it would probably be because Buck had never shown himself to be like that. He was always the first one to call or text, the first one to offer whatever services he could to anyone in need on and off the clock.
Was… had Eddie simple missed how available Buck was? It didn’t feel right, no. But what else could it mean?
Maybe…maybe Eddie was a bad friend. Again, all he did after Buck saved his son’s life was give him pizza money. Whoopee.
Back when Eddie had gone over to hang out when the guy’s leg was busted, Eddie ended up talking about himself. Eddie cried all over Buck’s broken lap.
Yet it was more than that- Eddie had become used to Buck’s company all on his own. He looked forward to hanging out with Buck, loved when the guy would stay and play video games or watch Netflix.
Buck had this way about himself that made himself so inviting to be around. He was generous with his laughter, his emotions on his shoulders, this effortless way of making everything feel even a little bit lighter.
Even his smile was infectious, so much so that Eddie couldn’t help but always return it.
“God, I suck.” Eddie said, stareing a hole into the table.
It was a pattern with him. He got close and then he would ruin it. Fuck,he wouldn't call him either.
“I suck.” Buck argued.
They both narrowed their eyes at one another.
Buck grinned. “Maybe we both suck.”
Eddie smiled back. Idiot.
And just like that, Eddie wasn’t annoyed about missing the fight club that night.
There were still a few hours until the shift was over, so Eddie snatched the container of cheese balls and leaned back into Buck’s side. He held up his pinky finger, feeling stupid. “So, we both work on being a better best friend.”
He hoped the desperation he felt wasn't evident in the way he spoke- but he didn't want to lose Buck, even if it was just a another person who would watch Chris.
Hoping he wasn't overstepping his boundaries with his best friend, Eddie held his pinky and promised God that, if Buck tangled his own together, he'd put the work into their relationship, even when it was hard.
(It never was, not with Buck. Even if it did become so, Eddie was sure it would be worth it to have him in his life.)
Buck shook his head, grinning. He latched his pinky with Eddie’s, leaning forward kiss his own thumb. “This is way more embarrassing with you than it is with Maddie. I promise to be a better best friend.”
Eddie felt the vibrations of words throughout his fingers. It traveled past his knuckles, through his muscle, right where the fist shape bruises laid on his skin. They ached.
But it was a sweet sort of ache- because that was who Buck was. Buck was a sweet man.
Eddie rolled his eyes but leaned forward, pressing his own kiss to his own hand. “This is so stupid. I promise to be a better best friend too.”
“You going to be okay?” Eddie asked, the warehouse still on fire in the background.
Buck sighed. “Yeah.”
Eddie nodded, not believing him for a single second. “Right. I know a really good place to get some anger out if you need it-“
Buck, covered in soot, cracked a smile. “You’re an idiot.”
Eddie wanted to do something. Something he hadn’t done to anyone but his son, not even with Shannon.
Eddie wanted to kiss Buck’s hurt away. Even if it really was just a little paper cut, better if it was all the pain his parents caused by not being able to love their new baby. Eddie wanted it gone.
He also wanted to pack the Buckley’s up in a tiny crate and ship them overseas, but Eddie couldn’t afford the shipping. It was easier to plant one on Buck’s body.
And, really, it seemed fitting that it would be him. A few years ago, Buck was the first person to plant one on him since Shannon. Sure it was under the influence of pain killers and it really wasn’t nice (and he never ever ever ever ever thought about Buck’s gross mouth near his fingers again ever again and ESPECIALLY not when he was alone), but still.
It made sense for Eddie to brush his hand through Buck’s dirty hair, and to lean down and kiss him on the crown of his head.
The effect was instantaneous.
Buck's breathing stuttered for a second, before it hitched in his throat and he sighed. Eddie saw his shoulders loosen from where his eyes were half lidded, lips just barely pressing against him.
Pretty. The word whispered throughout his mind, over and over.
Even with sweat streaked with soot all over his face, lips cracked and bleeding, watery eyes. Buck was pretty.
He wondered if this was what Shannon wanted him to think of her.
“Jesus.” Buck laughed wetly, and Eddie found he missed this.
He missed… he missed being needed. Wanted, really. It had been so long since anyone besides Chris needed him that Eddie forgot that he liked being a provider.
It was a bit strange that Buck of all people made him think about it. Buck really didn’t need anyone to take care of him.
Or…maybe he did. The way he had sagged when Eddie kissed his forehead, like he never-
Eddie’s finger clenched into Buck’s shoulder.
Right. Right, Buck never did. Not when it really mattered.
He wondered how offended Buck would be if he got back and blasted his stupid parents all over social media. Buck couldn’t be that mad about it, not after everything he had learned.
Even on the low chance he would be mad, all Eddie would have to do is bring up the lawsuit from last year and Buck would melt into a puddle of shame.
When his lips were numb and Bobby was walking toward them, Eddie let go of Buck’s hair and leaned back. “Let me know if anything is too crazy with you.”
“I will.”
“Um, I was actually talking to Bobby.”
(He called Ana for a second date when he got home.)
Eddie watched as Buck tried to keep it together for his sake as he cleaned the hole the bullet had entered.
How shiny his eyes were, how the red rims made the blue even bluer. How he pressed his mouth into a thin straight line.
My blood was in there Eddie thought. How did Buck handle that? Did he swallow it? Spit it out? No, he couldn’t have- he was too busy pressing gauze on Eddie’s wound.
Which meant that Buck, literally, had no choice but to take it. Take a part of him. When he was crawling and dragging him, when he was lifting his body up into the engine and shoving everyone else away.
Buck had to consume him, take over him.
Eddie didn’t say a thing. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to remember it.
So, silently, they watched Buck clean the hole. They both sat still as Buck breathed through his nose. When a tear escaped and slid down Buck’s cheek, Eddie watched it soak into the sleep shirt he brought over.
Eddie was close to needing another dose of pain meds. Each swipe felt like a knife running down his veins. He didn’t say anything though- Buck was being so incredibly gentle with him, more so than he had to be.
He kept his eyes open as Buck went behind him, his socked foot brushing against Eddie’s. He didn’t pause in his mission, peeling off the back bandages.
Eddie’s eyes were starting to burn. He was fighting sleep, fighting wincing from the pain. If he did, he knew that Buck would stop touching him to get something to make him feel better, and Eddie would have to explain that Buck handling him with such gentleness was making it all better
But Eddie got shot so he figured he deserved not to have to talk. He was going to sit in silence for the rest of his life and everyone around him could read his mind.
Behind him, Eddie felt Buck finish the bandages. He was tapping them to his body, air-tight and waterproof.
Fear loosely gripped at the edges of Eddie’s stomach. He didn’t want those callused hands to leave him, he didn’t want to be apart from Buck any more than he had to be. Couldn’t Buck see that? Couldn’t he fucking tell that all Eddie needed right now was him, him, and his son and no one else? God, why couldn’t Eddie just SAY-
Buck had come back around, his watery eyes on the front of the wound. Without pausing, Buck leaned forward and kissed over the bandages.
Eddie closed his eyes, sighing at the pressure.
Could one live a full, content life from his bathroom? Eddie was sure would be the one. He’d never had anyone be so kind with him.
Eddie opened them up again once Buck pressed one, two, three more little kisses, each one the tiniest bit longer than the last.
“I’m so glad you’re with us.” Buck said quietly after a moment, raising his head just enough to be eye level. He kept his hands on Eddie’s body, holding him.
Eddie stared, words dying in his throat as fast as they came.
Thank you, Eddie, wanted to say.
Thank you for loving my son, for loving me. Thank you for dragging me. Thank you for tasting me.
Thank you for the food you make, the clothes I take, the couch that has your shape.
Thank you for taking care of me, for kissing me, for telling me to hang on .
Thank you thank you thank YOU-
“You’re my best friend.” Eddie murmured back, feeling as if this was able to encompass it all.
From how Buck smiled at him, bright and blinding, hand settled near Eddie’s thigh, Eddie thought it did.
**
Eddie destroyed his entire room.
Buck came and forced open his locked door. He cleaned his torn knuckles, gently dabbed them with alcohol to keep them from an infection.
He picked up the broken furniture and fixed what could be salvaged. He patched up holes in walls, went shopping for new bedding. He made lunches for Chris, smiled when he was chosen to be sat next to for company during homework hours.
He read books and bought sound machines and did laundry even when he was told not to. He drove Eddie to therapy on the weekends and took Chris on errands as they waited for him to finish together.
He drew hearts and sent stupid Facebook memes and tried to convince Eddie to get a pet fish to help with calming his nerves.
But he did not kiss him better. No, Buck made it known that, if Eddie wanted to be better, that he had better start putting the work in himself.
So Eddie did. He did, and in the end, he let himself think one thing:
I am in love with my best friend.
And Eddie had no fucking idea what to do about that.
**
He knew what to do about it.
Eddie had a plan. Has a plan. Eddie had a plan.
Did it take him a year to come up with it when, in that time, he could have just asked Buck out, yah. Was it probably embarrassing? Yah. Did he care? No, no he did not.
The timing just never felt right. First, Eddie was damn near about to blow up his whole life and shove under the rug. Second, Buck was in a relationship.
But now Eddie was healthy! Ish. Healthy-ish. He was talking more, especially to his son.
That was another reason Eddie had waited this long to decide to do anything- Christopher. As much as Chris loved Buck, it was one thing to have Buck as just “Dad’s best friend.” It was a completely different ball game to have Buck as “Dad’s boyfriend.”
Yet on the other hand, Eddie wasn’t sure if he should even bring it up to Chris before anything even happened between them. Chris was horrible at keeping secrets- his boy was a gossip through and through. Eddie would do something to embarrass him and the next thing he knew, Chris would be blasting all over Facebook “MY DAD WANTS TO KISS HIS BOY BEST FRIEND” and Eddie would have to die from the mortification that his parents knew he was in love before Buck did.
So yes. There was A Plan, and Eddie was for sure doing it.
The Plan was soundproof, leak-proof, fucking volcano proof. It was perfect! Glorious!
The Plan was-
“-To get Buck to ask you out?” Abuela asked at dinner, her roast beef sandwich hovering over her plate.
Eddie nodded, smiling. “If he asks me out, then I know for sure that what I feel isn’t going to ruin everything!”
Abuela blinked.
Eddie tilted his head, his own sandwich losing its guts.
Was there something wrong? Did he just not explain The Plan clearly enough (he didn’t know how much clear he could get)?
He was about to ask what she didn’t understand when-
“Hey!” Eddie exclaimed, rubbing the side of his head.
“Why is your entire generation mad eup of idiots?!” Abuela yelled. Her heavy ringed hand was raised again.
“What!?” Eddie ducked from her next smack, holding up a lonely piece of roast beef as defense. “What are you talking about?! It’s perfect!”
“The hell it is!”
Which brought Eddie to the present day, following through with The Plan because it is a very good plan. He just wasn’t too sure how to actually go through with it.
The last time he flirted was over math homework. If he tried to do that with Buck, it would just end with both of them feeling bad.
He’s tried cooking, he’s tried growing out his hair, fuck he’s even resorted to ‘flashing’ Buck in the shower stalls to try and seduce him with his body. Unfortunately, Buck was a fucking gentleman and didn’t let his eyes stray too far from what was respectful.
Eddie was not a gentleman. He was a guy who was so fucking gone over his best friend that he had been having dreams of biting Buck’s belly. They were so vivid that Eddie had started to become irrationally annoyed when he would have a glimpse at it, and there would be nothing but sparse hair trailing down beneath his boxers.
And that was his Plan the next morning.
Eddie waited until Buck swung into the firehouse parking lot before getting out of his own truck, marching over with a mission to greet Buck as he got out of his funky jeep.
He raised his hand. “Hey-“
sweet cheeks, baby, hot stuff, love of life, future husband, handsome, baby daddy-
“-man.” Eddie finished lamely.
Buck grinned and closed the jeep door. “What’s up?”
I’m gonna suck your dick later THAT’S what’s up.
Unfortunately, the day did not end up getting better from that point.
Eddie had managed to call Buck “Bro,” “Dude,” and “Buckley” all in the name of flirting. He tried sitting next to him during mealtimes and scooching their chairs together, fuck he even spilled water on his lap so Buck would have to watch him clean it up.
God, how was Eddie better at flirting when he wasn’t actively trying to? All that resulted throughout the day was Chimney asking him if he was having a stroke and Bobby spending a suspicious amount of time staring down the garbage disposal.
Even Hen had pulled him to the side to ask him if he was feeling alright.
“Yeah, why?” Eddie asked, arms crossed.
Hen gestured to the yard out front. “Because Chimney saw Buck banging his head against the locker-room wall earlier, and now we’re both concerned you got a parasite.”
Eddie shifted his shoulders. He forced himself not to smile. “What did Buck look like?”
“…How am I supposed to know?”
Yeah. Eddie was bad at this.
The only reason he wasn’t finding the nearest birdbath to drown himself in was because he had a lovely son at home that would absolutely make fun of him if he went out that way.
However…
Edmundo Diaz was no fucking coward. He had been face to face with death more times than he could count. He walked into burning buildings happily with no fear. For fuck’s sake, he was a teenage father!
He was not going to roll over and give up because of one minor setback! Maybe one day he’ll be able to sit Buck down and tell him everything he adored about the man, and how he’s pretty certain that Buck loved him back, even if he never said anything.
Eddie Diaz wasn’t going down without a fight and dammit, he’d barely begun!
On the next call he tried again.
The rain was heavy, spirits were high. Eddie had a good feeling.
“Go get ‘em cowboy!” He said, slapping Buck on the back as he finished hooking him to the ladder line.
Buck gave him a look. Like, what are you saying to me right now.
Eddie grinned. The rain was cold as it fell on his face, slipping beneath the neck of his turnout collar. And Buck-
Buck was larger than life. He was tall, goofy, and so handsome and pretty at the same time.
His visor was up, so Eddie could clearly see how the engine lights reflected off his big nose. Eddie almost wanted to give into the impulse and kiss it.
Buck blinked, his lips parting. He licked his bottom lip and the tips of his cheekbones went red. He smiled.
Then he went up the ladder, calling back an affirmative.
Then he died.
Buck was dead.
Buck was dead.
Buck was dead.
“He’s crashing again!”
How could he crash if he were already gone? There was no pulse. No heartbeat.
Buck was dead.
His partner was dead. It was happening again.
“MOVE!”
Why would Buck leave him? He wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t leave him, he promised to be a better best friend.
Eddie didn’t care that he cracked Buck’s ribs. He didn’t care that, if alive, Buck’s chest would have been burning. Even at the hospital entrance, Eddie saw feint traces of smoke leaving the Lichtenberg marks.
Was this-? Was…was that it? No, it couldn’t be. Not for Buck. Not for Buck who hadn’t even had a taste of what he deserved in life.
No stars, no soft pillows, not even being held in Eddie’s arms? This was…this was it?
Eddie had never existed without Buck. He was two months younger. Buck was always here, here for him, didn't Buck know that? Buck was made to exist so that Eddie and Chris could love him.
Chris had never existed without Buck. Oh god, oh god oh god what was going to tell him, what was he going to-
“Do more!”
He was one of the last ones to visit.
Truth be told, he had been avoiding it. Him. He could blame part to the Buckleys,a pair that Eddie was sure he was never going to appreciate.
He could say he was trying to be respectful- something that both of them forgot how to do with one another a long time ago.
All those were lies. Eddie did not want to see him because he wasn't ready. He would never be ready.
He couldn't hide forever though, so when Chris went home with Carla and Hen was on her way out,Eddie went back inside the room.
The room with the artificial breathing and the heart monitor beeping in the low lights, where it smelled and tasted like sanitizer and stale a/c and the air was just on this side of chilly.
Eddie bullied his way next to him on the bed. He grinded his teeth on what he had prepped himself to say.
It’s okay, I know you’re fighting, keep going, something along those lines.
Instead what came out was-
“Fuck you man.”
“Eddie-!” Hen exclaimed.
Eddie waved her off, shuffling closer to Buck’s stupid face. He dropped his hand, holding onto the neck of Buck’s gown right under that fucking tube.
He leaned in close. “I’m serious- fuck you. I call you cowboy, and instead of asking me out you fucking die? You die?”
The tears he had been hiding for Chris were spilling freely, uncontrollably down his nose and onto Buck’s chest. Which, really, wasn’t that them?
It was Eddie’s muddy sneakers on the floormatra of Buck's jeep. It was Eddie’s blood that landed inside of Buck’s mouth.
It was Eddie’s dresser that splintered off into Buck’s hand. It was Eddie’s son that said Morning Buck! Can you check my history homework?
It was Buck’s cast digging into his thigh.
Buck’s lightning that blew Eddie off the truck, his soul crashing down pushing Eddie toward safety.
It was Bucks kisses on his temples, and Eddies lips on Bucks fingers.
It was them. Buck and Eddie.
“You better wake the fuck up.” Eddie said angrily. He didn’t care what Hen thought- he hoped that she saw him and would know that he was officially taking his claim. “God can’t have you! Do you hear me? He can’t have you right now, because you and I are supposed to be together when we’re a hundred and seven. You need to stay with me, and you need to ask me out on a stupid date, and you need to kiss me and I need to-“
He broke off to suck in a ragged breath.
“You need to be brave, because I don’t know how.” Eddie whispered. He dug his nails meanly into the soft of Buck’s flesh. “So yeah. Fuck you Evan.”
He said his name like a curse. He said it like a prayer. He hoped Buck heard it, wherever the hell he was.
He soothed the harsh words over by sitting down in his chair and brought Buck’s hand up, placing one soft kiss on his thumb.
“I’m kind of mad at you.” Hen whispered eventually, voice cracking.
Eddie nodded. “Me to.”
Why hadn’t Eddie held him? Why couldn’t Eddie pull him up? Fuck, why can’t Eddie just kiss it all away.
“No.” Hen said, wiping her nose with a tissue. “No, because you two could have been- Buck would have been so happy-“
He closed his eyes, turning away from Buck’s body. “Hen, please.”
It was horrible enough that Chris had to lose someone else. Someone who he loved, who loved him back infinity times more.
It was worse knowing that…knowing what could have been. That Buck never had to go home, that they both were too scared to do anything about it. They were both to stubborn to look past healing kisses into hand or foreheads or shoulders.
Thinking about waking up under Buck’s arm was one thing. Knowing that there was world he could have been? Knowing that he could have been tracing each knob on his spine, each divot, been kissing the back of his thighs? It was to much.
So what the fuck was Eddie supposed to do now? If he thought he could kiss the damage away he would have been doing nothing else for the past week.
“They’re taking the tube out tonight.” Hen said softly. “To see if he can breath on his own.”
“What…” Eddie asked, vice trailing off too scared to finish the question. But he knew what would happen, even if he never uttered the words aloud. What if he can’t breath on his own?
He looked at where that stupid tube was, the most wonderful invention of all man-kind, the only thing currently keeping his best friend alive.
His best friend, his partner, the love of his damn life.
Eddie reached for Buck’s arm, his thumb soothing over the pale skin. “What if he isn’t strong enough?”
Which was ridiculous. Buck was plenty strong enough. They could all see it physically (Buck’s stomach sometimes made Eddie a little dizzy).
But…but no! No, there is no chance he was not going to wake up. They should wait a little longer, wait for his body to recoup. It’s only been four days, can’t they at least give a, a week? A month?
“You know he wouldn’t want to live like this.”
Eddie dug his thumb nail into the soft skin in lieu of answering. All that would come out would be yeah I know! What the hell do YOU know about him?
No one but Eddie knew how Buck’s top lip was puffy in the morning. Knew how he took his nasty overnight oats, knew how he look in the sweats with the little hole at the knee.
There wasn’t one soul who knew how Buck smiled when he saw Eddie enter his loft like it was his own, or how he hated having dishes in the sink over night, or how he had these two tiny little moles on the back of his right shoulder.
“He’d want Bobby in here.” Eddie said instead, as if he had any rights.
Hen nodded. “I know.”
“He doesn’t even like his parents.”
“They're still his.”
“No they're not. Bobby is his parent. He loves him. The Buckley’s used him-”
“Eddie.” She said gently.
Eddie grinded his teeth togetger. He hated this. He hated the situation with every fiber of his being.
He hated Shannon for leaving him, because if she never did he never would have came to California.
He never would have worked three jobs if she didn’t leave. He never would have had to rely on his parents to watch Chris. He never would have exhausted himself to the point that it was either move on or completely give up on happiness for himself whatsoever.
He hated that he became a firefighter. He hated that he survived the bullets in Afghanistan. He hated Shannon so much.
If she never left the state, Chris would never have had to know there was someone in the world who would do anything for him.
If she never left, Eddie would never had had his shoulder kissed.
If she never left, the Diaz boys would never have had to lose Evan James Buck Buckley. The never would have met Evan James Buck Buckley.
Buck would have never met them. He would have never have known that he belonged to them, with them.
Maybe Buck would still have been waiting for Abby, or reverted back to his ways of mutual physical release.
Buck never would have had anyone who wanted to stay, would never have had a child that he’d give his life for.
He’d never have blood in his mouth or kisses on his pinky finger or someone to play video games with.
If Shannon never left, Eddie wouldn’t have to sit in the hospital seat and be thankful that he was there for Buck. He’d never have to think about how grateful he was to have Buck, no matter how short of time.
He'd never have loved anyone as much as he loves Buck and Buck would never have loved anyone in the world, as much as he loved Eddie and Chris.
"Fuck you." He repeated again with venom. He truly meant it.
Eddie's last kiss on Evan Buckley was on a dry, cracky palm that rested on blue sheets.
He felt the rough skin imprinted on his lips for the rest of the day, felt it as he sat next to Buck's true family as they waited what his fate was.
“This-“ Buck said about three weeks later with a mouth full of cereal. “Is the best bowl of cheerios I’ve ever had.”
Eddie raised his brows. They had been sitting at the table for so long his buttcheeks were numb. “Really? This is the best bowl you’ve ever had?”
Buck nodded, splashing milk on his grey hoodie shamelessly. “You wan’ some?”
“I want you to get some manners.” Eddie raised his beer bottle, blocking it from any food spitting out. “Jesus, didn't Maddie raise you better?”
Buck grinned.
Eddie’s heart skipped a beat. “You have cheerio between your teeth.” Do you want me to lick it out for you?
Eddie got up and forced himself to wash some stupid dishes before he actually went and tongue fucked Buck for a soggy chewed up cheerio.
There was peaceful silence between them, sweet almost. It made Eddie just feel right.
For a long time, Buck had this habit of trying to fill any silence that would bloom between them when they had spent time together. Eddie didn’t mind- he’d loved himself a yapper, specially when it was a six-foot blondish curly haired man with a plethora of tattoos. It didn’t help that when Eddie got nervous or a little anxious he had a habit of shutting down completely, so for a long time there was a constant noise.
Yet, as they grew older and wiser and more sure of themselves, they would have periods of quiet. Sometimes in the morning at the firehouse as they waited for the ice machine to work, sometimes at night when they were both reading.
Eddie couldn’t say which he preferred more because as long as it was with Buck, he’d love everything. Every second every moment every hour.
“I think Maddie knows I’m alive.” Buck said when Eddie had finished, one last spoonful of cheerios in his mouth (he was so gross. Eddie wanted to marry the fuck out of him). He had on some big blue eyes, not looking at Eddie but not not looking at him.
“Uh uh.” Eddie said, crossing his arms. He grinned even as the soap on his hands made his shirt sticky. “Do you want to crash in my bed?”
Buck’s shoulders sagged in relief. “God yes.”
It had been a while since they really bothered to adhere to the “Sleep on the couch” rule from a few years ago. Especially at Buck’s loft.
If Eddie had to choose one thing to love more than his boys, it was be Buck’s king size bed with his linen bedding. Eddie slept like a damn baby in that thing.
Eddie banished him from the kitchen, washing his last two dishes of the night. Then he took out the trash.
The air was cool and fresh in his lungs. He stood for a moment in his driveway, eyes closed just breathing it all in.
His bare toes curled on the pavement. A stray pebble dug into the sensitive skin of his arch. He closed his eyes and breathed in-
Buck! Can you hear me?!
Breathed out-
Buck! BUCK!
Breathed in. He opened his eyes.
There was a new moon, so the stars were shining bright above his neighborhood.
“Buck here?” Chris asked after Eddie went back inside. He was rubbing his eyes, trying to act like Eddie didn’t know his own son was awake at eleven at night. What a little faker.
Eddie nodded, ruffling Chris’s hair. He opened his bedroom door, nodding over to Buck who was already laying across his bed. “Yeah, but he’s exhausted. Don’t be offended if he passes out on you.”
Chris swatted back at him as he passed, walking right into his room. “Buck I heard you’re hanging with us.”
“Chris!” Eddie exclaimed, one hand a towel and the other a pair of sweats.
“What’s the matter Eddie?” Buck asked, shifting over so Chris could sit next to him. “ Don’t want to strike a conversation with us?”
“I think you’d find us en-lightening.”
“Oh that’s a good one.”
Eddie left his sociopaths alone and headed toward the shower.
When he was done he walked back into his room, he found Buck completely knocked, head lolling to the side. There already was a puddle of spit under his cheek.
“He was out as soon as the shower turned on.” Chris said, not looking up from his phone. “He snores.”
Eddie nodded. “Yeah. Like an engine.”
As if on cue, Buck snorted through his nose. It was so loud that he woke himself up, eyes blinking blearily in the light. “Wha’?”
Chris patted his arm. “Nothing. You snore.”
“No.”
“Yeah.”
Buck frowned, his closed eyes scrunching. “No.”
Eddie flopped down onto the other side of the bed, their legs over-lapping. “You do. It’s fine.”
Slowly, Buck turned his head toward Eddie. “Wha fine?”
“Oh my God.” Chris muttered. He started to get off the bed, throwing a pillow back at Buck’s face as he did. “It’s to late for this. Night Dad, night Buck.”
Eddie reached out a hand, squeezing Chris’s wrist gently. “Night honey.”
“No ho’ey.” Buck grumbled. “’Lain tea.”
God Buck was the worst when he was tired. Eddie wanted him biblically.
Eddie grunted a shifted around the bed, thanking Chris as he shut the door behind him. He turned back toward Buck. “No honey with your tea. Got it.”
Buck sighed, moving his body around to get more comfortable. His knees overlapped Eddie’s thighs. “Want, want ma’roni.”
“Macaroni?” Eddie asked. He turned fully on his side. “Like, macaroni and cheese?”
“Ya.”
“I’ll make you some tomorrow.” Eddie promised, laying down fully.
Buck opened his eye a smidgen, his blue eyes hazy in the warm light. “No. Wanna-“ He yawned, blinking hard to force his eyes to open more. “I wanna, wanna got to the beach.”
“Yeah?” Eddie asked. He had one hand in Buck’s hair idly playing with the curls. “If you’re serious, we can go.”
“All of us.” Buck said satisfied. He closed his eyes. “Call ‘im out tomorrow.”
“Buck, tomorrow’s Sunday.”
Buck evidently didn’t care, because he had fallen asleep before Eddie could finish his sentence.
Eddie huffed, so damn thankful he could watch Buck as he breathed.
His chest moving up and down underneath his shirt, his nose that twitch ever so often. The puddle of drool that was growing bigger and bigger.
Thank you for him Eddie silently sent out. He wasn’t sure who he was saying it to but so very grateful to anyone who recieved.
Eddie woke up with his head pillowed on Buck’s bicep.
It wasn’t new, this cuddling. Quarantine had been a hell of time for his poor unresolved feelings, what with being the only person who’d willing share the bed with Buck.
(‘Willingly’ and ‘Calling Dibs Before Anyone Else’ may have the same meaning in this particular scenario.)
Most mornings it just meant waiting for the other to wake up so they could go pee without disentangling. Others it meant just falling back asleep completely.
Eddie didn’t want to open his eyes quite yet. He should, really, because his face was smushed into Buck’s armpit and the man didn’t smell exactly great waking up, but he didn’t smell so horrid that Eddie was willing to move.
(Alright he did. Just a little. Whatever, Eddie still went and fell in love with his rank ass anyway.)
What did Eddie in wasn’t Buck’s stench. It was the taste of his own mouth and the fuzzy feeling on his teeth.
Eddie hummed, finally cracking his eyes open. The hand that had been circling in Buck’s shirt was over his pec. He looked up and-
“It’s only six.” Buck said, grinning. He was looking down at Eddie wide-eyed and busy tail, and he let his phone that he was using fall on the bed. He dropped his hand over the one Eddie had on his chest. “What time did you want to go to the beach?”
Asked Buck. Gloriously alive Buck.
Like a possessed man, Eddie sat up. He turned his body, his legs settling in the warmth his chest left.
“Eddie?” Buck asked. He squeezed Eddie’s fingers, the other hand moving so it on top Eddie’s thigh.
The sun had just started to peek through his curtains, golden light reflecting off of his green walls and bouncing off onto Buck, drenching him in morning light. His bottom teeth were peeking though his pink lips, his brows furrowed.
In the night, the borrowed shirt had ridden up, reveling two inches of his belly. A month ago Eddie would have been salivating over it.
As it was, his brought his hands down to the hem, thumb rubbing underneath to stroke the smooth skin, nails catching on the patch of brunette hair that matched the rest of Buck’s furry body.
Edie stayed as he was, not trusting his voice quite yet.
“…Go ahead.” Buck murmured.
Slowly, carefully, Eddie inched up the clothing, giving buck time to change his mind. He didn’t, trusting Eddie.
Pretty had always been a word to describe Buck- along with sweet, caring, kind, jealous, petty. Everything that could be used, Eddie would use. Buck was fucking everything.
But pretty? Inside, outside. That was who Buck was to his core. His pretty smiles that lite up entire rooms, his pretty blue eyes that could be classified as a weapon from how much fire lived in them. Buck was pretty.
Even with that awful fucking Lichtenberg mark. Eddie hated it. He hated it more than he ever hated anything in his life.
It didn’t belong. It didn’t belong on Buck’s chest, not with his XXXX and his wave or his heart in the head. Not with his soft belly, the gentle swell that Eddie had not kissed yet. It was an abomination.
“Eddie?”
How could he compete with lightning? Huh? What was Eddie supposed to do- keep Buck underground? No, that would be awful. Eddie did that already and he almost drowned.
“Eddie.”
“You died.” Eddie spit out, voice so full of venom he surprised himself.
Buck nodded slowly. He started to rub his hand where it rested on his thigh, the warm palm grounding Eddie. “I died.”
.“The last word you heard, was me calling you cowboy.”
“…That’s what we’re focusing on here?”
Eddie nodded. He clenched his teeth, eyes burning.
Buck sighed. “You’ve never called me that before. Not gonna lie, threw me for a bit of loop.”
In the morning light, Eddie pressed his first kiss against Buck's chest.
Lightly, carefully. He started from Buck’s neck, the very tips of it before moving down between both lines to dip at his collarbone.
“Buck.” Eddie murmured, voice tight as he kissed the ocean wave tattoo that wasn’t fortunate enough o be left untouched.
Buck, alive, warm, glorious Buck, sucked in a quiet breath. “Careful Diaz, I’m gonna catch feelings.”
“You already have.” Eddie said almost desperately. Kiss kiss kiss, each one more insistent than the last, each along that horrible fucking mark. “I’m the one who was almost to late.”
He broke his lips away long enough to make sure Buck had the pillows behind his head, keeping his chest up on display.
Than it back to kissing his chest, laying his body to the side, one leg sneaking underneath to keep Buck’s bad one up.
Buck’s hand went to the back of his head, curling his fingers in the hair. He didn’t move his head, just simply trusted Eddie.
How was it that- how was it always Buck healing him? Why had He never done it for him?
Eddie should have been kissing Buck’s pain away from the beginning. He should kiss his cast, he should have kissed ever blood thinner pill, he should have kissed their interlocked pinkies everyday after they promised to be better together.
He should have kissed Bucks tears away after he learned about Daniel, he should have kissed each spot his own blood landed on Buck’s body.
He can’t though. So this is what Eddie will do today, and every day until one of them dies:
For every one he missed, he will press three more into Buck’s skin. For every bruise, scratch, tear that was made, Eddie will heal them.
“I had a plan.” Eddie murmured sadly, lightly tracing those stupid marks. “A really good one. I was trying to get you to ask me out.”
“…what?” Buck asked weakly.
Eddie nodded, sniffing. Kiss kiss kiss. “I’ve, I’ve been in love with you for so long now. And sometimes I figured hey, he might love you back. Or at least you wanted to have sex-“
Buck made a choking noise.
“-with me. But if I was wrong, I didn’t want to make you feel anything. You’d totally be the type to make yourself fall in love with me just to make me happy- and I wanted you naturally do it.”
“Eddie-“
“But then you died.”
Buck was laughing.
Belly grasping, wheezing, spit flying laughter that made Eddie nervous for multiply reasons, neck ad neck being one) his best friend is laughing at him for having feelings and number two) Buck just died like thirty seconds ago, he needs all the air he could get.
Eddie started to rub his sternum, cracking his own embarrassed smile and hoping Buck didn’t hear his heart ripping in half..”Okay, okay, thank you for the feedback, I promise not to-“
“We need to work better on our communication.” Buck said between hearty chuckles. “Because I was trying to get you to ask me out.”
The air that Eddie was trying to get back into Buck’s lungs? Yeah, he took it all for himself. “What?”
Buck with tears in the corners f his eyes, with the unattractive double chin for being at he angel he was, the most wonderful man in he entire world, was smiling. “Yeah, you kidding me Eddie? How could I not want you back? How could I not feel anything but lo-“
Suddenly an odd look clouded his eyes. Eddie started to rub his sternum again.
“You dick!” Buck pounded his fist into Eddies side. “I knew you were wearing tighter jeans! I even told Chimney you were, but he said no Buck it’s all in your head and stop telling me about Eddie’s ass Buck and Uncle Buck isn’t allowed to come around anymore if you keep mentioning you want to lick Eddie’s face.”
He huffed while looking up at Eddie. Almost like he was fully expecting Eddie to call Chimney right that second to tell him that yes, in fact, Eddie was doing his best to try and seduce Buck and wanted to lick his face back.
And Eddie was fully intending on doing just that, even add on the fact that Eddie had been dreaming about placing love bites on Buck’s belly for years now, but he didn’t.
Instead, he burst into tears.
Which was so stupid- there Eddie was, finally in the arms of the man he loves, finally able to have what he want, finally knowing the answer on ‘Does he love me back?’, and he was crying.
He should have known it was coming. He wasn’t bale to push his emotions back the way he once was able to, not for long.
He tried, and he did succeed. He didn’t want to breakdown and scare Chris more than he id already was- fuck, Eddie didn’t want to scare himself. SO he just held it in in in-
“Oh Eddie.” Buck murmured, his hands gently resting on the curve of Eddie’s jaw, his padded thumb on his chin. “It’s okay, it just me.”
“Its you.” Eddie agreed, kissing the meat of his palm.
It was Buck. It was always Buck, Buck who had saved this family the moment he gave Eddie a snotty look on that first day years and years ago.
It was Buck who guided Eddie’s head down to his shoulder, not worried about eh snot that were staining his bunched up shirt. It was Buck who tightened his arms around him, whose deft fingers wiped any tears away.
It was Buck, Buck who died, Buck who survived, who gently kissed those tears away.
“I’m sorry.” Eddie said eventually, voice still thick. “You literally have this giant fucking scar on your chest, and you’re still comforting me.”
Buck sighed. “When you gonna learn I like taking care of you? I’m not kissing just anyone’s thumb on pain meds.”
Which was a lie, because Eddie had once seen him try to swallow Hen’s bruised knuckles before, but that wasn’t the point.
“I like taking care of you.” Buck went on. He flicked the back of Eddie’s head. “Besides, you started it.”
Eddie lifted his head, so close to Buck he could count his light lashes. “What?”
Buck nodded. He dug his fingers into Eddie’s back. “Yeah. You came into eh station and you didn’t give up on me even when I was being an asshole.” He made a face “Those pictures I took of myself still haunt me to this day.”
(Seeing how Eddie had them saved to his phone, he was going to make sure it haunts him for the rest of his life.)
Eddie shook his head. “That’s not taking care of someone, that’s just basic decency.”
“yeah, I know that now.” Buck shrugged. “But, it was different. You trusted me. You said we had each other, and I had never had that before. Not so fast. And yeah, this all started because I really wanted a friend who I hadn’t tried to sleep with-“
Eddie snorted.
“-Which I have definitely changed my mind about.” Buck amended. “But the point is, I didn’t want to be friends, I was actively trying to get you to go because I was jealous of no longer being the baby of the stupid place, and yet you were still you. You didn’t fall into my bullshit, you didn’t rise to any of my jabs. Instead, you were yourself, and you wanted to be my friend.”
Buck smiled, ears turning red. “I never had that before. So yeah- you started it. You’ve been caring for me from the start. And my jealous insecure ass knew I needed to be better than any other friend you ever had, otherwise you’d find someone else.”
Buck squeezed Eddie’s cheek. “I just never thought it would be so easy to care for you and Chris. I never knew how easy it would be to just love someone else more than anything in the world before I met you guys.”
“I died.” He went on. His thumb was over Eddie’s mouth, tracing the seam between his lips. “I died, and I would have forever regretted not telling you any of this.”
All of which only made Eddie start to cry again.
But it was the sort of crying that you did after what felt like too long of a day. When you spill your water all over the place, and the bread of your lunch sandwich was just on this side of to soggy to eat, and your toes and squished and your leg is itchy and there were bruises along your hips because you kept crashing into everything you walked by.
No, Eddie was so in love with Evan James Buck Buckley, he was so fucking in love.
And he was loved back.
“I-“ Eddie sniffed, shaking his head, and pressing into Bucks shoulder, gripping onto his sides like they were a lifeline. “I fucking love you so much. So goddamn much Buck.”
But how could he say it? How could he lay besides the love of his life and accurately tell him in every way how Eddie loved him?
Words had never come easy to him. He’s been working on it, had been for years. It shows in his life, he believed:
He was honest with Chris now when something scared him, or when he was having a day where he didn’t feel right. He was better at helping Chris figure out his own feelings, what one thing meant versus the other.
He was more vocal about wanting to go out, even if it was to a basketball game. He didn’t sit back and let his parents rag on everything he did, and he’s fairly sure that’s half he reason why they have a better relationship now.
Eddie thought back to the boy under the stars holding a baby, so fucking scared what the next would bring. He thought of bare toes curling into dry dirt and taking in breaths, of his son’s long skinny legs and big ass head.
He didn’t know how to say all of this, it felt… it felt to much. But not enough.
Almost as if there was no limit. Eddie was so sure that his love for Chris and Buck could grow and grow until it consumed the entire world, and it still wouldn’t be enough.
And it was a selfish sort of love- one that he really didn’t want to share. Buck? The guy who lived I his funky smelling jeep for years on end and refused tog et rid of it? Who essentially got baby-trapped and kept going? Fuck no, Buck was his.
His best friend, his co-parent, his partner. His.
But Chris, Chris who Eddie was so sure he would never let anyone into his life? Oh, that sweet boy was theirs.
Theirs.
Words seemed to do all that he felt an injustice.
So Eddie did what he has done best since he was born, and didn’t use any words at all.
Buck grinned as Eddie leaned up, eyes twinkling. “God I love-“
Eddie hoped he was going to say you, but quote frankly he was much too busy trying to suck Buck’s soul out of his mouth.
It was like the first time Buck kissed his thumb timed a billion.
Fireworks danced from his lips, to his thumbs where they rested on Bucks chin, down to his toes that were curling in the bedsheets and up past his elbows back to the tooth that always gave him a little trouble.
Buck gasped and Eddie groaned, shifting higher onto his body.
His leg supporting Buck’s bum one was pushed higher, allowing Eddie to slip between his thighs easier. He grabbed onto Bucks other thigh just for something to hold onto to keep himself on this plain.
“Eddie,” Buck broke off, mouth wide open for Eddie to trace with his tongue.
Nothing was enough for Eddie! It was as if Eddie needed to crawl inside of him, be that weird space between his tonsils. “Buck.”
From one second to the next, Eddie was flipped around.
“Ompf!” he groaned as his body was slammed dunked onto he mattress, Jesus.
Buck didn’t let him go for long, covering his body with his own, lips crashing together.
Here’s the thing about Buck: he’s fucking good at what he knows.
He had one hand under Eddie’s head, cradling him close despite having his entire weight on his chest. Their legs were tangled together, Eddies toes brushing the soft hair on Buck’s thighs.
“Jesus.” Buck murmured, laughing when Eddie snuck his hand down the back of his boxers waistband.
Eddie sighed parting his lips so slightly. Buck sucked on his bottom lip, growing as Eddie opened his mouth, his oink tongue that Eddie’s had years to think about slid against his-
And they both immediately reared back from one another.
“Oh my god.” Buck said, wiping his mouth, sitting up on Eddie’s thighs.
Eddies nose scrunched. “It’s like your mouth stayed dead.”
As they caught one another’s eye, rubbing their mouths from the morning breath, they both smiled.
Than they both started laughing.
Until their sides ached, until their lungs were empty, until the morning breath and the morning stink became a little too much.
Plus one
They wanted to go to the beach, so Eddie went to the beach.
It was gorgeous day to do so- the wind was cool, the sun hot, and Eddie had remembered to bring sun spray so no one got burnt.
The only problem was that Buck was wearing a shirt. A shirt.
Like, Eddie understood why. Really!
…But didn’t he deserve to see Buck’s naked chest in the sun? He thought that he very much did deserve to see his naked chest in the sun.
Chris was loving it, especially since he was strong enough to not have to wear a life jacket every time he went into the water. Did it kill Eddie a little bit, yeah. Did he watch him like a hawk despite the beach they went to having about a quarte mile of water that only reached their waists, yeah.
He wasn’t the only one. Eddie was sure that Buck hadn’t blinked since the three of them got there, not trusting the water.
It made Eddie ache inside something fierce. H however, he also admired Buck for still wanting to come to the beach at all after everything he and Chris had been through.
(Chris, for that matter, was over his trepidation a year after when he saw all his friends learning how to ride a surf board. Trendsetters should really be a valid coping mechanism for therapy.)
Buck had one hand talking toward Chris and the other on Eddie’s bare back, his first and middle finger rubbing circles on the small of his back.
Eventually Eddie drifted off.
He would come in and out. One time it was Buck saying they were going into the water, another it was Chris trying to steal his towel from under him. At one point he was sure a seagull had come to bite his toe, because there was a sudden stinging, and his two favorite people were laughing uncontrollably.
He had swatted Buck’s hand away and dug his nose into eh beach pillow. The next time he came to, they were in the middle of a conversation.
“-for a long time.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course! I don’t know how much you know, but it was right after this-“ Eddie felt Buck’s leg move. “- and I had just left the LAPD. I was moping pretty bad, watching none stop Food network. I was perfectly content doing that. Then one day your dad comes in and says, ‘Oh yeah, you’re free you can babysit.”
“He used you for free babysitting?”
Eddie was aware enough to be offended. He didn’t use Buck for free babysitting, he offered Buck to be a free babysitter. By dropping off his child and leaving immediately.
Whatever, it’s not babysitting if it’s your kid.
“Technically, yes. But really, I was more than happy to. I’ve always loved hanging out with you, and back than you were still amazed at the fact I had my own car.”
“It still smells weird.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. I’m starting to think it’s you bringing in the stink.”
Eddie was just aware enough to smile. God, he loved them so much.
They lapsed back into silence. Eddie was almost out, lulled by the waves and the heat of Buck’s body when-
“I’m glad you’re here with us.” Chris said.
Eddie heard Buck sigh. “Yeah. Me to.”
“I mean, I mean here. At the beach. With me.”
Buck shifted in his seat, the sand pushing onto Eddie’s sunscreen arm. “You’ve been to the beach before? Even after the tsunami. What’s different about this?”
“You’re kidding.” Chirs replied, all the sarcasm a teenager could muster.
“Yeah. You’re right. It’s different because…well, I almost wasn’t able to be here.” Buck sat back, his half-seat creaking. “But I gotta tell you, I’m very happy I am.”
“How are you so calm about it?” Chirs asked. His voice was full of disbelief. “You died!”
“And I’m here. I’m here with you guys.”
“You’re not angry?”
“Honestly? I’m grateful. It’s like- every day is a gift. Everything a gift from here on out.”
Chris hummed. “Well, I’m so glad that you’re grateful you died.”
“Chris…”
“You were dead, killed, and you're so happy that it happened. Great.”
“Hey wait, where’s this coming from?” Buck moved. “I know it’s a lot-“
“Dad almost died, my mom did die, and now you. Yeah it’s a lot!”
“I’m sorry-“
“I lost you!”
It’s kind of funny when your world tips upside down.
Eddie thought it happened when he was five and learned how to ride a bike without training wheels. He was so proud, he laughed as Mom cheered for him, pretending to chase after him.
Then, he thought it happened at age six when he drove a truck into the garage. How was he supposed to know that he couldn’t do it? Eddie was always told that he was the new man, that he was going to have to take care of his family because that’s what a man did.
Then he was twelve and discovered that, oh, hey, he had a right hand.
Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen.
Nineteen. Twenty-one. Twenty-four.
On and on, life went. Repeatedly, Eddie’s entire world was rocked.
While he wished he did some parts different, he was so fucking glad that his life was the way it was. He had regrets, yes. He will always wonder what his life would have been like if he never had a child so young, if he never joined the army. If he made it work with Shannon.
But he can’t bring himself to regret anything he had done, because that would mean he wouldn’t be where he was in that moment.
He wouldn’t have a house with a couch he found for free on the side of the road. He wouldn’t have his kitchen he learned to make Shepards pie in, or the door frame that had some six -year old stickers faded.
Not the frog dish he found at Goodwill for .99 cents, not the dining room table Abuela found for him after her neighborhood enemy died (rest in piece Sherman), not the LAFD unifroms.
He wouldn’t be laying on a beach, the sky cloudy but warm, his toes just on this side of uncomfortably dry, and he wouldn’t have this.
His son, his son, his baby.
“I lost you.” Chris said. His voice cracked.
“Oh Chris- come here. Come on, no one’s even around to notice.”
“Ugh. This is embarrassing.” But Eddie heard him shifting in his seat.
A few moments had passed. Each second that ticked by Eddie wanted so desperately to sit up. He did but…but he also wanted Chris to explain himself the way he wanted. It wasn’t Eddie that he needed to do so.
“You will never lose me.” Buck said, muffled by what must have been Christopher’s dry hair. “Not in the tsunami, not in any fire, not anywhere. Okay? No matter what I will always, always always always, be here for you.”
“You died.”
“I died loving you. Loving both of you guys.”
Both of them breated together for a moment. Eddie tried to kepp his heart in his chest.
After a while, longer then Chris had let anyone hug him in a year, Chris shuffled and sniffed. “I…I have something bad to say.”
“…Now? We’re having a moment.” Buck joked. Chris groaned. “Alright, spit it out. Just remember I’m your ride.”
For a long moment Chris was silent. Whatever he had to say must have been really, truly awful.
Eddie made sure to keep his eyes closed, breathing even. He dug a few fingers into the side, moving them in tiny increments just to have something to do.
“What was that?” Buck said. “I can’t hear you if you’re whispering.”
Chris, louder, said something intelligible.
Buck sighed. “Buddy, there’s a whole ocean right there. You need to be louder.”
“I’m really glad my mom left us.” Chris said, voice thick with tears.
“Hey- hey don’t cry.” Buck said instantly. “Listen, you have nothing to feel bad about.”
“If I’m glad she left, than I have to be glad she’s dead too, right? And I don’t want to be happy, I was sad, but now I’m not. It’s like- it’s like I’m sad for her, but for me.”
“Chris-“
“Because if I were sad for me, that would mean I have to be sad we moved to Los Angeles. But I’m not! I’m not!”
“Chris!”
“If my mom never left me, that would have meant I would never have met you!” Chris cried. “And I’m so happy I met you, Buck! I’m so happy, because, because you’re, you’re-“
Suddenly his voice was muffled.
“Christopher Edmundo Diaz.” Buck said, his own voice cracking and full of emotion. “You are, without a doubt, one of the best things to have ever happened to me. I’m so fu- freaking lucky that your dad needed a ride that day.” Chris laughed wetly.
“I love you so much.” Buck continued. “So, so much. Like, if I could flattened the world to make you happy I would. There is nothing that you can ever do that will ever change that, alright?”
“But-“
“No buts. You can mourn your mom, and still love me. You can wish you never moved here, and guess what? I’m still gonna love you. She was your mother.”
“And she left me.”
Eddie should sit up.
He should sit up, tell Buck to walk somewhere else, and talk to Chris.
How long had he been hiding this? Why hadn’t he told Eddie-
“Have you told your dad all this?” Buck asked.
“No. I didn’t want him to lie to make me feel better.”
“…When has that guy ever lied to make us feel better?”
It warmed Eddie’s heart how they both laughed.
“I just.” Chris started. “I don’t want him to be sad, or mad at me. What kind of son is glad-“
“But you’re not glad.” Buck interrupted. “If you were, you wouldn’t feel so guilty about…everything else. You’re not a bad person, Chris. You lost your mother at an early age, a mother who had left you. If it makes you feel better, I’m glad I only see my parents once every year or so.”
“…That does make me feel better.” Chris sighed. Eddie heard him shift in the sand. “Do you ever miss them?”
“Honestly?”
Silence. Nothing but the waves crashing into the shore, seagulls chirping in the sky.
“No. Not anymore. I have my sister Maddie, and I have Bobby. He’s…well, he’s the man that I consider to be my father.” Buck’s voice crack. “He is my dad.”
Eddie sighed, digging his thumbnail harder into the sand right next to Buck, pretending he had his hand on his thigh for comfort.
For a long time it was a running gag in the fire station that Buck was the favorite- until it really wasn’t a joke anymore.
“So like us.” Chris said.
Buck’s breath hitched. “Yeah.” He said, voice cracking again. “Like us. So believe me I say- hey, look at me.”
Eddie cracked one eye open just enough to see what was happening.
Buck had Chris’s by his cheeks, forcing the boy to look at him in the eyes. From how the sun was hitting them, their pink-skinned silhouettes were glowing.
Eddie couldn’t breath.
“That you don’t need to be happy that your mom died for you to be happy to meet me. You can feel whatever you want, but guilt is not one of them.”
“Was it scary when you died?” Their (all three) son asked suddenly, trying to change the subject.
Unfortunately for him, Buck had been with the Diaz boys long enough that he could see a diversion a mile away. But he indulged. “No.”
“Do you remember anything?”
Buck shook his head. “No. But I can tell you one thing-“
He shifted, his bum leg dragging against Eddie’s. “ I lived my entire life, again. Every bad joke, every first step, all of it. And do you know what, Christopher?”
“What?”
“Everything I ever, I ever did, I would do it again just so I can be right here with you.” Buck dropped hand onto Eddie’s back, gently trailing his fingers between his shoulder blades. “With both of you.”
Buck smiled, and leaned forward to kiss Chris’s forehead, wiping away the stray tears that were slowly going down his cheeks.
Vividly, Eddie was reminded of a night like this almost fourteen years ago.
Something about stars and porch lights and being so fucking scared, feeling so small so incredible small and ill-equipped.
Something about Eddie being so against to let anyone into Chris’s life once again, something about sitting all alone in a hospital room and having no one to depend on. About family being what you made of it, about love and conquest and everything in between.
Eddie had to bite his tongue, not wanting to make a noise. He was just so fucking happy.
How was this his life? When did it become that Eddie deserved this beautiful life?
Chris sighed, burying his head deeper into Buck’s shirt. “You’re worth it too, Buck.”
“Aw, Superman-“
Chris groaned. “You had to ruin it.” He complained, pulling himself away.
Buck pulled him in close, placing one more kiss on the same spot Eddie did over a decade ago. “Take a nap, dude. I got you guys.”
Eddie waited until Chris was silent for a long time. He had to fight himself to stay awake, the waves wanting to lull him back to slumber.
Slowly, Eddie sat up, careful not to scare Buck.
Buck, with his faded Lichtenberg scars underneath his white tee-shirt. Buck, with his leg and mottled scars from breaking in three places.
Buck, Evan, who loved and hated like second nature, who talked loud and took up to much space and made it so everyone could share.
Buck, who smiled. “Hey sleeping beauty. You look a little insane.”
Everything, everything, was for this. For them.
“I love you.” Eddie said, grinning so hard his cheeks hurt. “So fucking much.”
Buck sighed, absolutely melting. “Do you?” he asked, voice strangled. “Because I was beginning to think you kissed all your friends naked chests-“
It was messy, both of them smiling to much. There were teeth clacking and chapped lips catching and Eddie could taste the peanut butter protein shake he had around grains of sand.
And it was absolutely perfect.