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Recently, Buck’s been throwing himself into dating. Casual dating.
Before that he was baking an insane amount and trying not to contact Tommy. Who broke up with him, so how much he'd wanted to text, to call, to get anything back from him, he didn't.
So, casual dating.
Casual dating but not casual sex.
Well, that doesn't mean none at all, but it’s been within the boundaries of short-term relationships he’s been having.
Because that’s his problem, he figures. He’s all or nothing. He doesn’t know how to be in the middle. He’s either super casual fuckboy one night stand guy – the better to not get hurt – or he’s all in. Asking people to fucking move in with him. It’s a miracle it’s never occurred to him to ask anyone to marry him, or he’d probably also be currently divorced.
So, he’s seeing people – not too many, easy to fall back into old habits – and seeing what’s out there.
Certain people think he doesn’t have enough experience exploring this? Fine. He’ll get experience. Maybe he’ll meet someone amazing. With no baggage. Who he is not allowed to have met on a call.
He’s been nothing but upfront about what he’s doing. He doesn’t say he’s looking for a hook up or a long-term thing. He’s honest about his sexuality on his dating profile and he talks about it if it comes up.
Unfortunately, he’s had to self-select for people who will be cool with it and won’t be weird.
This is a rule he’s had to make, because a fun thing he didn’t realise is that anyone would really give a shit about his bisexuality if he was on a date with them, personally, and interested in them, personally.
But there was Jamie, a pretty, perky blonde who was very into him until he mentioned having an ex-boyfriend, and then said she didn’t see that on his profile when they matched and told him he should be more upfront if he’s just going to realise that he’s gay soon and waste her time.
Then there was Luc, who had dark hair and dimples, and who totally bonded with him over the struggles of queer dating in LA. Buck had mentioned how women could be weird about him being bi, and then Luc had said, “I thought I was bi before, too. Once you realise you don’t have to hold onto that masc part of you that feels like you need to date women, it gets easier.” Buck had protested – lightly – that he was very sure he was still interested in women, and Luc had given him a very patronising, sure honey. He hadn’t waited until desert for either.
But those were some of the bad early ones.
He’s also met some really cool people doing this.
Beatriz had a cute little pixie cut and led hikes in Runyon Canyon. She took him to a martial arts class with her and he went on one of her hikes. They kissed, but realised they were better off not following it up romantically, as she was still in love with her ex. She told him he was welcome to come on another hike though anytime.
Gabe was a marine biologist with floppy, sandy blond curls, pale, freckly skin, a stubbly beard and several piercings in their left ear. They were bisexual, too, and they dated Buck for about three weeks. They took Buck to coffee dates, trivia with him and friends, and then a Settlers of Catan game night, both of which he enjoyed. When they won the trivia night together, they went back to Gabe’s apartment and made out for twenty minutes and jerked each other off. Ultimately, their schedules killed it before it got further than that. Which was probably good, as Buck was really trying not to go full Buck on anyone.
Augusto – Augi to his friends – had parents from Puerto Rico, but had lived in Florida as long as he could remember, until he fled to California to do stand up comedy and try and act. They’d bonded over living in Florida, and complicated parent stuff. Buck had been unsure of going to see one of his shows – this wasn’t Age of Absolutely Buck – but he’d been pretty funny. They’d hooked up twice at his apartment, which had been nice. Not groundbreaking, but perfectly good sex. Buck had liked the episodes of the podcast he did with his best friend that he’d heard, in which they talked about movies he’d never seen but wanted to watch. He kept following him on Instagram, anyway.
Yolanda had long braids and a septum piercing, and a smile that made him weak. She worked in a pottery studio. He was just passing, and decided to sign up, and they flirted enough with each other both then and during the class that he asked her out. During the coffee date, she told him her ex-girlfriend and her had gotten the studio together, and then she’d dumped her and left town, leaving Yolanda to take care of it all and she’d only just gotten it together. He empathised with her feeling like it came out of the blue, told her about his last time seeing Tommy. Coffee turned into drinks, turned into them admitting that they probably both weren’t ready for anything more than a casual fling – their complicated ex feelings being what they were – but that was fine with him. They spent about four weeks with her taking him to foreign films and yoga classes, and him taking her to LACMA and The Getty Museum and having slow, tantric sex at her monstera-and-light filled apartment. She made fun of him, but in a way that wasn’t mean, and he kind of liked that anyway. She made him laugh.
At the end of it, they stayed in touch. And he has some pretty sick mugs he made in her class.
Layla had a three-week rule, she told him upfront. She wasn’t looking for love. He told her that was fine, he wasn’t either. She was shockingly beautiful, with her perfectly curled, long, shiny black hair and her delicate little features and tan skin. She loved pink, and wore it in a glam, expensive-looking, well-styled kind of way. She worked in a writers room for some show about drag queens he promised to check out, which sounded interesting, and had apparently ‘scammed’ her way into it from doing online comedy videos about her well-meaning Chinese parents trying to love and understand her, even when they didn’t really. Buck admitted it sounded nice that they tried, at least. They bonded over the Barbie movie (she was impressed he’d seen it with his sister, and Josh, which he’d done on a whim but enjoyed) and her love of horror movies (which he didn’t love but saw a few with her. They were fun, and he could laugh at himself when he was scared by something dumb.)
One time, her laughing at him for being afraid of something had turned into teasing between them, and then making out, and then sex. It was the only time he ever saw her anything less than a hundred percent confident. She asked him if he was ok with it, and he told her yes without really worrying. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen it in her profile when they matched. She was funny, and gorgeous, and maybe a little high maintenance if it was going to be anything more than three weeks, but he found it kind of charming for now. And it wasn’t like he didn’t know what to do with a dick, at this point. It was a fun three weeks. Later, May sent him a video of her stand-up, unaware, and he grinned as he recognised himself as the hot firefighter in her story. May laughed when he told her as much.
Lan worked with plants and was a great listener. They went on runs together and one time they brought their dog, a daschund named Kransky, who was adorable, but ultimately concluded they could just be Instagram friends. He and Lan were still messaging each other about this Marvel show about lesbian witches they’d told him to watch, which wasn’t really like any of the movies that he’d seen with Chris but was actually kind of enjoying. Ultimately, it was pretty platonic, but he didn’t mind making a new friend.
Miles had the deepest brown eyes, and blindingly white, straight-toothed smile that he’d ever seen -except maybe on Eddie, but that was – whatever. They contrasted with the light-brown of his skin. His eyes were just as kind as Eddie’s, too. Buck would be lying if he said he wasn’t immediately attracted to him quicker than some of his other dates. He was a teacher of second-graders, and he talked about ‘his kids’ with such genuine sweetness, goddamnit. This was why Buck was determined to be a gentleman, not jump into it immediately. He kissed Miles at the end of their first date, but didn’t do more than that. Same on their second, at the movies. On their third after seeing a local band, Miles asked him why, wondering if he wasn’t that interested. They slept together that night, and it was great.
They went on hikes. They got really into completely unrealistic medical dramas starring hot people, together. Miles got him into classical music, which was way more exciting than anyone ever told him. They once skinny-dipped in the ocean at night – which Buck didn’t tell anyone about, because Athena would probably tell him it was illegal, and the rest of his friends would remind him of all the similar calls they’d had where that sort of thing had gone sideways. But it was fine. It was fun.
Ultimately, the distance between where they lived kind of killed it, although that was really only the final straw. When they broke it off after a month and a half (by far his longest of the period) Buck admitted that if it got more serious, he might fall for him, and he wasn’t looking for that. Miles was disappointed – Buck was a little disappointed too, that there wasn’t some alternate universe where they’d met before his heart got so thoroughly bogged down in hurt and abandonment and complicated emotions – but he said he’d always understood that Buck had some other feelings to work through, and that it had been fun at least.
Buck knows what everyone thinks about it. Worrying he’s deliberately breaking his heart, that he gets way too attached to people to only spend anywhere from a few dates to a month with someone he’s into. But – as he’s told his therapist – it’s like aversion therapy. Everytime he knows he’s breaking it off, or they’re mutually deciding, or they break it off – feels less and less like being left.
He supposes this is because he’s not really being vulnerable with his heart. He’s happy to meet these new people – he’s always happy to meet new people – and he’s happy to get to know them, maybe even to sleep with them. But his heart? Numb, maybe. Emotionally unavailable. Too much in it that he can’t bear to sort out right now, so he’s sort of put it off limits. He thinks he doesn’t have any more space to fall in love. Not in a deep way, anyway.
He kind of loves everyone he dates, or at least the ones who he sees more than once.
Eddie bumps his shoulder lightly, at work one day. “You doing alright?”
Buck nods. He’s not not alright. “I’m fine.”
Eddie bites his lip. Sometimes there is something very large in Buck’s ribcage throwing itself against his ribs like a panicked bird that’s desperate to get out. And lately –
“This new thing you’re doing. I know it’s like – therapy, and you’re trying to work out what you like and what you want but just – ”
Buck frowns a little. “Just what?”
Eddie stares at him, eyes wide but not saying anything. “I just want to make sure you’re happy.”
Sometimes he has a way of saying the exact thing that scoops Buck’s heart of his chest with a melon baller. He’s the best friend Buck has ever had, in a way that outstrips anything else. It’s not normal, maybe, but they’re lucky.
“I am,” he says, and he means it. Mostly. Maybe he’s not overarchingly happy, but these little flings have been good.
“Good,” Eddie says, smiling a little. It calms Buck down, ridiculously. “Do you need me to come with you to get your box from Tommy’s? Or I can go?”
Buck’s mood dips. It’s been nearly five months since. Tommy should’ve thrown his shit out by now, but he hasn’t. Just texted to ask him to let him know when he’s coming for it, but he’ll keep it inside out of the elements until then. He hasn’t asked for his shit back yet either, just said to bring it by when he comes for the box.
He swallows. “No, it’s fine. Thanks. I’m – I’m gonna do it.”
Eddie gives him his soft look, and Buck wants to throw himself down the fireman’s pole for reasons he’s not sure of (or perhaps, unwilling to – ) “You don’t have to do it by yourself, though.”
Buck keeps his gaze, unable to look away. “Thanks. But I think I need to. Prove that it’s fine, and I can stop procrastinating this one thing.”
Eddie doesn’t look completely convinced, but he nods. Then the bell goes.
One
Buck drives up towards Tommy’s house. It was such a familiar route for a while there. He knows this is why he’s put it off so long. Because every foot further towards the house is more familiar, and more painful. Phantom memories of being excited, horny, affectionate all flash through his body.
It’s been months. He’s been dumped before. Many times before, actually. But with most of them, there wasn’t anything like this. Abby left him with her apartment, but he took all his stuff from it when he finally left. Ali must have retrieved the few things she might have left at the loft while he was in hospital, or maybe she just never came back for them. Taylor packed up her stuff and moved out but that was pretty quickly after they broke up. Natalia – Natalia came to get her things, and gave him a hug and wished him the best. He sometimes wonders if they should’ve broken up, and then feels stupid for it. He wouldn’t change how things have gone, even if it’s ended how it always does. With him alone and clinging to temporary pleasures and people.
He parks in the driveway. His blood is thrumming, like it’s learned to be excited when he pulls into the driveway of this house. It doesn’t know none of that matters anymore.
He knocks on the door, holding Tommy’s box of things. Tommy opens it.
He’s not sure what he expected, or wanted to see him look like. He looks the same, except his eyes are tired, and his hair is curling more than he usually allows, like he’s been running his hand through it. His heart jumps anyway.
He almost smiles, seeing Buck. It’s almost his smile. “Hi.”
“Hi,” Buck echoes, awkwardly. He feels like he should be mad. He is mad. But seeing him again, it’s hard to hold onto completely.
They stand like that, watching each other, for a moment. Then Tommy blinks. “If you wanna come in, put the box down inside. I’ll get yours.”
“Sure.”
Buck comes in. It feels like another gut punch in here. He’s rearranged the furniture some, but it feels like no time has passed, really. It smells the same, a little oaky. It feels the same.
Buck puts the box with Tommy’s stuff down. His Lakers cap is on the top. He didn’t ask for it back in nearly five months, and he loves that cap.
Tommy comes back with a cardboard box that seems relatively heavy. Six months equals a lot of stuff that gets left at each other’s places.
This just – sucks.
He takes it from Tommy.
They stand, awkwardly. He should move. This is it. This is the end.
“How are you?” Tommy’s voice is rough, scratchy.
“Great,” he finds himself saying, with an edge of coolness. “Glad to get this box. Thanks for hanging onto it.”
Tommy’s eyes are tired, and a little red. He’s more stubbly than usual. “Of course. I know it’s my – I know it must have been difficult to want to come get it.”
“Maybe I was just busy. You know how much I work,” Buck retorts.
Tommy gets that familiar crease between his eyes. “Right. It was just five months of bad timing.”
“What do you want me to say here?”
He frowns. Tommy’s expression falls even further. “I – I don’t know. I’d get it if you didn’t want to see me.”
“I didn’t want to see you,” Buck admits, shortly. “But I needed my stuff back.”
“It’s clearly important, if you’ve waited this long for it,” Tommy rejoins.
“Don’t be a bitch.”
Buck stares at Tommy, over the box. He stares back. “You used to like that.”
Buck sets his chin at him. “I used to like a lot of things.”
Tommy is closer now. He used to do that. Get closer, without Buck realising.
Tommy blinks, and his eyes are misty, closer-up. “Are you ok?”
“I’m great,” Buck replies, quietly. “Taking your advice. Getting my queer experience in. I’ve had a few short-term things now. Met some cool people.”
This hits Tommy, Buck can tell, but he half smiles. A not-really smile. “That’s great. Finding yourself.”
Buck wants to laugh, but he doesn’t. “What about you? You do any finding yourself?”
Tommy blinks. “Not really,” he admits quietly. “Nothing to write home about.”
Buck’s heart beats. “Well, probably better than me breaking your heart at some point, right?”
Tommy’s mouth falls slightly open. “Yeah, probably.” He says, in a very small way. “You look good. It’s good to see you.”
His blood thrums. “It’s good to see you, too, I guess.”
Silence.
Buck puts down the box at his feet.
“Buck, I –” he starts.
“Don’t call me that,” Buck snaps. “You never called me that.”
Tommy’s eyes are wide, and wet. “Evan,” he says, quietly, but the effect feels like a whip.
Tommy and him move like magnets. One minute they’re not kissing, the next they’re inhaling each other, like smoke in the other’s lungs. Poured into each other like a stiff drink.
This is so, so stupid, and a terrible idea. Buck doesn’t think about it, too preoccupied with getting a hand down Tommy’s pants as they move back towards his bedroom. It’s a familiar dance. He knows all the steps by now.
They’re lying side by side. Tommy’s hand is resting on his side. Buck’s hand traces his cheek, and down his neck and shoulder, landing on his bicep.
Neither of them has said anything. Both are aware that while good, it also wasn’t maybe good for them. But Buck never got to say goodbye. It was so abrupt, their ending. Maybe that’s why he’s been putting this off for so long. And this bubble, this moment is nice.
Tommy is watching him with some barely suppressed emotion.
Buck’s heart beats fast. He shatters the bubble. “Why’d you kiss me?”
Something flits across Tommy’s expression. Panic? Embarrassment? Grief?
He bites his lip and then sighs. “I think we can be honest, here. I saw you and I…missed you,” he says, voice catching on the missed.
“Just like, I was there and you remembered you missed me?” Buck challenges, softly.
Tommy’s eyes crinkle, sadly, and it hurts. He’s so familiar with that eye crinkle. “I could never forget you, Evan.” He stares at him, for a moment longer. “I miss you all the time. You really – left your mark on me.”
Buck leans forward and kisses him, passionately. Tommy kisses back for a moment or two.
When they pull back, he looks like he’s bracing for something. Like he doesn’t want to say, but something he knows is coming.
“I miss you too,” Buck starts. “We never really – got to say goodbye.”
Guilt creeps into Tommy’s eyes. “I know. I’m sorry.”
Buck rubs his bicep. “I’ve met a lot of people in the last few months. And I liked them all. Mostly.” Something occurs to him, and he has to voice it. No matter how stupid. “I’m way past my first now, Tommy. And I think my heart wasn’t fully in it with any of them because it’s still with you.” He takes a breath. He’s not exactly hopeful, but he hopes he’s not begging, either. “We could get back together.”
Tommy closes his eyes, like the hit he was expecting has come. When he opens them, they’re wetter. “I – I want to say yes. You have no idea how –” he says, and his voice is scratchy and sad and it seems to be physically paining him. “But this – we’re rebounding. You’re running back to what’s familiar.”
Buck frowns, heart sinking. It hurts, almost physically, in his chest. “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling! You did it then, too!”
Tommy’s face works, maybe not expecting this hit. “I – I’m sorry, I really am. I didn’t mean to do that.” He keeps Buck’s gaze. “But am I wrong?”
Buck’s eyes cloud, and he has to look away. He always liked the ceiling in here. He takes a shaky breath. “I know what I’m like. Abandonment issues and all. So maybe I’m asking because it felt good to be with you, and as much as meeting new people has been good, it doesn’t compare to having history.”
Tommy breathes shakily next to him.
He turns back, propping himself up on an elbow to watch Tommy. “But if I admit that’s part of it – even if I do miss you – can you – can you admit that you dumped me for basically no reason other than you were afraid, and you hurt yourself before I could hurt you?”
Tommy opens his mouth, but no sound comes out. He sniffs, and wipes his eyes. For a moment, he doesn’t say anything. Then, in a small, croaky voice. “Ok. Yes.”
It’s not really a victory. But it is vindicating.
Tommy turns to catch his eye again, sitting up. “Look, Evan, I’ve been through a lot of therapy. I think I can honestly say I’m a better man now than I was when I started. But you know how it works –” he breaks off, sniffs. “Doesn’t fix everything all the time.”
“Yeah,” Buck says, softly.
“So, I guess I did that. Maybe I should’ve let you convince me out of it, again,” he says softly, and his eyes fix on the ceiling for a moment. They flick back to Buck. “But Buck – you have a habit of overcommitting, I think. I mean, that was the thing with your couch, right? Your ex took it when she moved out? And you told me that relationship hadn’t been working in a while.”
Buck frowns. “Ok, yeah. Maybe. But we were happy,” he says, and breaks off. “I felt like it just – came out of nowhere. I know asking you to move in was a bit intense, but why couldn’t we just – pick up where we left off?”
Tommy looks like Buck’s reached a hand into his guts and started pulling them out. Maybe the visual is on his mind because it was one of the calls he had just before they broke up.
He knows they can’t do that. You can’t go back, really. “Sorry,” he says, quietly. He sits up, and leans against the headboard.
“It’s ok,” Tommy says, just as quietly. “I’m really sorry I hurt you. I hope you didn’t…hate me, afterwards.”
Buck bites his lip, staring straight ahead.
“I wanted to, for a while. I even thought I did. You just…dumped me out of nowhere, after I asked you to move in. Maybe that was a bit much, but we could’ve…talked about it.”
Tommy sighs. “Yeah, maybe we should’ve.” He pauses, and then Buck can feels his eyes on him. He turns his head to catch them. “You only asked because you associated me with her, and with this being the right next step. Even though you live in a studio loft and I have an actual house full of stuff. It felt like you were – overcompensating because you panicked about me having been engaged.”
Buck processes this for a moment. “Yeah, I wasn’t really thinking clearly, I know if anyone was to move it would’ve been me. And yeah, I meant it when I said you were like her, because you both – you both had these huge impacts on me, and I hadn’t been in a relationship that felt as different as the one with her until you.”
Something clouds Tommy’s expression but he doesn’t say anything.
“But I really did want to take that next step with you,” Buck finishes.
Tommy opens his mouth, and his eyes look wet and full of some emotion he can’t quite get. “We never even got to I love you, Evan.”
This shuts Buck up for a moment. He remembers, when Josh asked him, not knowing. Not immediately. “I…I – I don’t think I knew, then. But I think I did. Love you.”
Tommy gulps, like he’s swallowing razorblades. “We didn’t say it. I was afraid, and holding myself back and you didn’t know, and I know we really fucking cared about each other, but I’ve had a long time to think about it. Maybe that’s what I was protecting myself from.”
Buck frowns, vision blurring. “But you didn’t ask. We broke up because you thought I didn’t love you enough to last, and you didn’t tell me that, and I’m the asshole here?”
Tommy flinches. “You’re not – not an asshole,” he replies. “But honestly, do you? Did you?”
Buck protests, but can’t find the words. “I did love you. Maybe I still do. I just didn’t know it then.”
Tommy sniffs. “I think you loved me like you loved her. It’s hard not to love the first person that changes things for you like that.” He keeps Buck’s gaze, puts a hand on his leg. Not like he’s starting anything, like he’s grounding him. “You just – you weren’t in love with someone else already when you met her, I don’t think.”
Buck sucks in a breath. “I wasn’t – ”
Tommy stares at him, and there’s something desperate in his eyes. “Please. I know I fucked it up. I know we could’ve – maybe – but please be honest with me. Now.”
Buck gulps. “What do you mean?”
Tommy stares, wordless, pleading. “Don’t make me lead you to it, Evan.”
“Eddie,” he says, and his voice sounds like he’s been eating rocks. “You mean Eddie.”
“Yeah.” It’s barely audible.
“But I –” he starts, without a clear sentence in mind. “It’s not like – and we don’t – never – ”
Tommy sighs. “When I kissed you, you’d spent a few days being crazy that I was hanging out with him. I know you were into me, but I think you didn’t recognise you were jealous of me, too.”
“We’re best friends – ” he stammers. “That’s not –”
Tommy takes his hand off Buck’s leg to wave it. “I’m not jealous, or not like that. I’m only jealous that you guys met first. That you have a – life together.”
He sucks in a shaky breath.
Buck’s heart is racing. “But not like – that.”
Tommy gives him the kind of Come on, Evan, look he used to. It’s still kind of sexy, despite it all. Not that he’s really thinking about that, given that he’s dealing with the emotional Mack truck of realising something he should’ve a long time ago. “You talk about each other so much. You love his kid like yours. You have a kind of shorthand with each other that I don’t think you even realise. You told me that you keep your own ice-cream at his, and sometimes you bring your own laundry to his and do it all at once.” Tommy pauses, giving him a chance to breathe. “He was probably your first stop, even before your sister, after we broke up. I’m not saying that to be shitty, I don’t even think you went there with anything more on your mind than just, he’s the person I need to see right now.”
Buck can’t speak for a moment. He’s thinking about that night, how blindsided he’d been. He hadn’t really thought, just grabbed some beers from his fridge and driven over to Eddie’s in almost a fugue state. He’d just known – like the last time something painful hit him out of nowhere – that Eddie’s was where he wanted to be. That Eddie – not even by saying anything, just by being there – would make it better.
“Shit,” he breathes out. It’s not so much a shock, now he’s over the initial bit. But he realises he’s been looking for a little bit of Eddie in everyone’s he’s met since Tommy, and that hurts. “He’s not even…”
Tommy’s expression works, curiously, for a moment. “I don’t know what he is, really,” he says, gently. “But I recognise ex-military repressed. And I’ve seen how he looks at you, how he talks about you. He’s – I think you have a shot.”
Buck turns his head to him. “Why are you helping me with it?”
Tommy sighs again, and it’s still quite ragged. “Because I’m – soft, really, no matter how I try to hide. Because I’m sorry for hurting you.” He blinks, eyes misty. “And you’re my friends, or you were, and I – after all of it – I want you both to be happy.”
“Even if it makes you sad?”
Tommy almost smiles at this. “Only a little. I’ll be ok. I was before I met you, Evan, so at some point I will be, after you.”
Buck smiles, and then impulsively leans in and kisses him, soundly. He puts a hand to his cheek. “You will be. I forgive you.” Tommy’s eyes get misty again, even though he’s smiling. “Thank you for being a good first. Mostly.”
Tommy smiles, only a little rueful. “Thanks for being a good boyfriend.”
Buck nods, getting up. “It was fun.”
Once he’s dressed again, he hugs Tommy. “Take care of yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself either.”
“You too,” Tommy says quietly. “Say hi to him from me.”
“I will,” Buck says, letting him go.
Tommy waits a moment. “Good luck, Evan.”
Buck smiles. It’s sad, but he also feels more like himself than he has in months. “See you round, Tommy.”
Two
Buck is getting some ice-cream from the frozen aisle when he bumps into someone and apologies automatically.
“No, it was my fault –” he hears as he turns his head and recognises the man he’s quite literally run into.
“Hi,” he says, caught-off guard. He can’t help smiling, though.
Tommy smiles back at him, similarly tentative and surprised, but just as genuinely happy. “Hi.”
They’re quiet for a moment.
“You getting icecream, too?”
He wonders if that was a stupid thing to say. It’s often a possibility with him.
Tommy smiles more, wryly. “Uh, yeah. Probably shouldn’t but, hey. Cheat day’s for a reason.”
Buck grins. “Yeah, exactly.”
They’re quiet, unsure of whether to end this unexpected meeting. He hasn’t seen Tommy since he returned his box of stuff. He wasn’t sure if he ever would.
“So, how are you?” Tommy asks, like there’s something more he’d like to know but is holding back.
“Good, good,” he says, lightly. “Work’s crazy. As always.”
Tommy smiles a little, in recognition. “I’d expect nothing less.”
“How are you?” He looks good. Better than last time he saw him.
“Oh yeah, good. Busy with work. You know how it is.”
Buck smiles, a little awkward but understanding. “Yeah, I do.”
He’s not sure how much else to say about his life, currently. “Oh, and uh, my sister and Chim had their baby!”
Tommy seems surprised. “Oh, I didn’t realise they were having another, but that’s amazing. Congrats to them.”
Buck’s heart skitters awkwardly. “Oh, right. They must have told me right after.” He pauses. “I’ll tell them, thanks.”
Tommy nods, and Buck wonders if this moment is already over. Then, Tommy speaks up. “What’s the baby’s name?”
Buck smiles again. “It’s Kevin.”
Tommy smiles at this, understanding. “I like that.” He pauses, waiting. “I guess you agitated for Evan? Or Buck?”
Buck chuckles, indignantly. “I was very cool about it!” He waits. “Well, his full name is Kevin Albert Evan, and I’m only third because Kevin Evan would be an insane name.”
Tommy’s eyes crinkle in amusement, and it pings something nostalgic in him. It’s not that he still misses him aggressively, like when he last saw him and there’d been no closure. But he misses seeing him smile like that, making him laugh. “That’s a long name. But a good one.”
Buck chuckles. “Eddie said that’s nothing, some of his cousins have, uh, like four middle names.”
He kind of trails off awkwardly. He wasn’t sure whether to bring Eddie up, and he didn’t exactly mean to now, but there it is.
“Yeah, that makes sense,” Tommy agrees. He seems to be wavering on asking something. “How is he?”
Buck nods. “He’s great. Really good. Especially since Chris has been home.”
Tommy seems genuinely relieved. “I’m so glad to hear that he’s back.”
“We missed him.”
He bites his lip, and seems to decide on whatever it was he wanted to ask. “Did you talk to him, like I said? Can I – ask how it went?”
Buck smiles, can’t help himself. “Uh, yeah I did. It went well.”
Tommy seems still curious, but doesn’t ask.
“We’ve been together for about four months now,” Buck continues.
Tommy smiles, almost kind of relieved again. There’s something a little wistful in it, but it’s almost grateful. Maybe for the closure, at least. “I’m – glad to hear that.” He half chuckles. “I know that sounds like I’m not, but I really am. As I said last time, I want you guys to be happy. And I’m glad it finally worked out.”
Buck can hear it in his voice, the sincerity. He smiles. “I am too.” He watches Tommy. “You know, I’m not sure if this is a help to know, but I don’t think it would’ve without you. So, thank you. I’ll always be grateful for you.”
Tommy blinks, glancing away. “Damnit, Evan,” he says, with a rueful chuckle. “Don’t make me emotional in the frozen deserts aisle.”
Buck chuckles at this, too.
Tommy smiles back at him, eyes a little shiny. “It is a help. Makes it worth it.”
Buck smiles, a strange feeling in his chest. Not sadness exactly, but a realisation that that hurtful period had given way to the last that Tommy had mentioned.
“It was worth it anyway,” he says, too real and maybe too emotion-filled for the frozen food section of this Ralph’s but whatever.
Tommy gives him that look, the one he had when Buck would genuinely surprise him. Like when he invited him to the wedding. That feels like forever ago, now.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Buck agrees.
Tommy smiles. “Good.”
There’s quiet. Maybe they should leave now. But something tells him it’s not over yet. “So, this might be totally uncool, and you can say so, but even though we’re not together anymore – I miss you being my friend. I’d like to catch up with you. I think Eddie would like to, sometime, too but for now – I’m going to ask if you’d like to get coffee, soon?”
Tommy’s brow furrows, familiarly. “Don’t you need to ask Eddie?”
Buck shrugs. “I’ll ask, because I don’t want to just tell him. But we’re all adults. And he knows what he means to me.”
Tommy smiles, a little. “Wow. You guys are pretty secure.”
Buck nods. He doesn’t wish, anymore, that Tommy could’ve been more secure. Could’ve trusted him. Because one, he’s not grieving the relationship anymore. And two, in hindsight, he thinks it’s very likely he might have proven Tommy’s fears correct. As much as he wishes it hadn’t gone down the way it did, he can see a line now with all of his relationships post Abby, post meeting Eddie, and he thinks it’s very possible it would’ve been the same – a breakup about something else, that was also maybe hastened by the Eddie feelings he refused to acknowledge. “We are.”
Tommy hesitates, and then speaks. “I’d love that. If Eddie’s ok with it. Let me know.” He pauses. “And tell him we miss him at basketball, ok?”
Buck chuckles. “Yeah, I will.”
“See you soon,” Tommy says, smiling more now. “Maybe.”
“See you soon. Definitely.”
Three
It had taken a moment, for Eddie to be friends with Tommy again. Eddie hadn’t really been against the idea of Buck making friends with him – in his words, he knew how Buck felt about him personally – but he’d been loyally annoyed, on Buck’s behalf, that he’d dumped him like that. That he’d hurt him.
They’d talked it out. Eddie, unsurprisingly, could understand fucking up close relationships out of anxiety and insecurities you were still working through. With Buck’s blessing – though Buck was adamant he didn’t need it – they slowly became friends again. He couldn’t really stay mad, when he knew Buck was so happy, now.
And he really was.
Which, oddly, meant that he could genuinely be friends with Tommy again, too, now.
They’d hung out a fair few times now, catching up for coffee or sometimes a beer, with all three of them.
Today, Tommy’s mind was elsewhere. He seemed – twitchy.
“Alright, what’s going on with you?””
Tommy blinked, and looked up at him, eyebrows drawing down. “Nothing.”
Buck gave him his best expression of disbelief. “Come on. I know you’ve got something on your mind. I know that look.”
Tommy stares at him a moment, then sighs. “Alright. It’s relationship stuff, though.”
Buck scoffs. “Yeah, I’m your friend, dummy. I’m here to help.”
Tommy breaks into a smile, glances down at his coffee. “So, you know that guy Andre that I’m dating?”
Buck smiles. “The farmer’s market honey guy? With the beautiful curls? How could I forget?” He pauses. “His honey is so good. You have to get me another jar.”
Tommy’s smile slips, and Buck gets a sinking feeling. He narrows his eyes.
“Tell me you’re not thinking about breaking up with him for some reason that isn’t even real.”
Tommy opens his mouth to protest, and then closes it. “It is real, though. That’s the problem, Evan.”
Buck watches him scrutinizingly. He does seem genuinely concerned about it, but Buck is suddenly determined to talk him out of it, or through it, or whatever. He’s only met the guy once, but he’s a good guy. Mellow. Great smile. Funny in the same kind of dry way. And Tommy had seemed so into him, even without meaning to look like it, probably.
Buck has to help. He has to.
“Ok, so what’s the problem?”
Tommy casts his eyes down at the table. “Well, he had a family tragedy recently.”
“I’m sorry to hear it.”
Tommy nods. “His sister passed away, really suddenly. Just an aneurysm. Nothing anyone could’ve done.”
Buck sucks in a breath. “God. He must feel awful. Were they close?”
He doesn’t even want to picture that happening to him. How awful.
Tommy sips his coffee. He seems to be turning something over, mentally, before he speaks again. “They were, yeah.” He pauses. “She left him her daughter, Bee, in the will.”
Buck furrows his brow in confusion. “I don’t get it. Why is that bad?”
Tommy huffs a sort of laugh, and turns his head up again. “I knew you’d say that.”
Buck nods at him to continue. “So, what’s happening?”
“He’s going to take her in, as her legal guardian. She’s four.”
Buck processes. “Well that’s a good thing, right? A kid doesn’t get separated from her family?”
Tommy nods. “Of course – I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to her. I think this is the best thing for her. And – and it really makes me care about Andre more, that he’s been immediately willing to do this.” His voice catches, just slightly, and Buck recognises this expression. This is his closing off breaking up fleeing before I get hurt expression. As much as he has empathy for it, now, in the present where he’s with the love of his life and has gotten closure on his breakup with Tommy, it also still annoys him. “He’s like you that way. He’s got a big heart.”
“But you wanna break up with him because of it?” Buck asks, trying to keep the note of frustration out of his voice and not entirely succeeding.
He sees the guilt flicker across Tommy’s face.
“I’m sorry,” he starts.
Tommy shakes his head. “I know I deserve it.” He bites his lip. “It’s just – this really is a big move. And he’s gonna have enough going on his life, making room for her in it. We’ve only been together for – less time than we were.” His voice hitches again, slightly. “It’s just a lot, for both of us.”
Buck watches him with serious but understanding eyes. “What are you most afraid of?”
Tommy exhales, and his eyes widen a little. He doesn’t answer for a moment. “We’re still getting to know each other. And having a little kid around will probably change that dynamic, and – ”
“You think he’ll break up with you?”
Tommy stares at him, rueful. “If it comes down to it, he’ll have to pick her. And I wouldn’t blame him. I’m just – ”
“ – trying to jump before you get pushed,” Buck cuts him off.
“Evan,” Tommy starts.
Buck gives him a look. “It’s not that I don’t think that it’s possible he might do that, but you do this. And I know why. But if you can – imagine that you don’t break up with him, and he doesn't with you. How does that look?”
Tommy’s face works, like he doesn’t want to do this hypothetical. “I – it would be great, of course.”
“Would you have a problem having a little kid around? A potential stepdaughter? We never really got to the kids conversation.”
Tommy’s eyes flick uncomfortably to his coffee.
“It doesn’t make you a monster if you don’t want kids.”
He sighs. “It’s not that. I wouldn’t mind. I’ve met her, she’s adorable.” His voice cracks, almost imperceptibly. “I wouldn’t be good for her. I was always terrified I’d get a girlfriend pregnant. I don’t know how to be someone’s dad or stepdad, or whatever.”
He stares very hard at the table.
“Tommy,” Buck says, softly.
He repeats it when Tommy doesn’t look up.
Tommy looks up at him, and his eyes are a little misty.
Buck stares at him, warmly. “You and I had very different dads, but they still managed to mess us up similarly. Make us feel very alone.” He pauses. “But I love being a parent to Chris. I loved it even before I knew what I was to him. And I know, that if you wanted to, you’d be a great fucking dad.”
Tommy sniffs, and glances away. “Damnit, Evan.”
Buck keeps smiling. It’s a weird kind of closure, getting to have these conversations with him. So long after their breakup. “So just…don’t break up with him yet. See where it goes.”
Tommy watches him, sighs again. “It’s not that simple.”
Buck leans forward. “You know what, I think it is.”
Tommy tries to look away and gets drawn back into Buck’s gaze. He almost seems – nervous.
“You know, you and Eddie really are quite similar. But sooner or later, something has to be worth the risk,” Buck says, honestly, trying to implant it into him. “I’m only saying this because I care about you, Tommy, you’re my friend. Nothing good’s without risk of heartbreak. Don’t do what you did with me. Risk it with him. You never know.”
Tommy sucks in a shaky breath. “Fucking hell, Evan.”
Buck chuckles. “I love you, man. That’s why I’m telling you, don’t fuck it up this early.”
Tommy chuckles, wetly. “I feel like you shouldn’t call anyone with our history man.”
Buck laughs at this, full throated. “Man’s too straight friends who’ve never had sex with each other, for you?”
Tommy raises his eyebrows. “You and Eddie ever call each other man, back when you both thought you were straight?”
Buck freezes. “No comment.”
Tommy grins. “Thought as much.” He glances down and back. “Thank you, for being here. And for talking me off the ledge.”
His grin flickers. “What if after all this, I get cool with it, and he dumps me?” His grin fully fades. “I guess that would be karma, right?”
Buck shakes his head. “Look, I’ve forgiven you. And I meant what I said earlier, so karma isn’t necessary here. Me and Eddie, we care about you. Hen and Chim, too. So, if he dumps you, we all go out and get trashed and sing embarrassing karaoke together.”
Tommy’s grin flickers back to life. “Well, that’ll be fun, at least.”
Four
Buck stares out at the ocean, willing his heart to stop racing. Willing the ball of anxiety in the pit of his stomach to stop growing exponentially.
“Are you hiding out here?”
Buck doesn’t turn to look at him. He continues to look out at the view. “No.”
Tommy comes up beside him, quietly. Looks out with him.
He gives Buck a moment. He’s good at that.
“I just needed a second,” Buck admits. “My bowtie is – I can’t do it, and I just needed some air.”
“Alright.”
Tommy doesn’t fight him on it.
He waits.
“So, what’s going on with you?”
Buck doesn’t speak for a moment. His eyes feel hot.
“I don’t get to do this,” he says in a small, shaky voice.
“Get married?” Tommy asks, quiet. Gentle.
Buck nods. He still can’t look at him.
“Of course you do. You and Eddie are like – you’re amazing. You’re one of the strongest couples I know.”
Buck shakes his head. His eyes are threatening to spill over.
He takes a shaky inhale, then exhale.
“There’s always a rug waiting to be pulled out from under me. And I can’t handle it this time. I won’t recover.”
“Oh.” This one is much quieter, almost a whisper. Painful.
He doesn’t want to be here right now. Part of him wants to run away. Drive down the coast. Change his name. Start a new life as a bartender in a beach town.
He hasn’t had these thoughts since his early twenties.
“I kind of get it, you know,” he admits. Still not looking at Tommy. Still watching the waves crash. “Why you dumped me. That hurt, at the time, but I do get it. Maybe it’s better to cut and run than – lose something so important. I mean, I don’t know if I was – but if I lost him, if he broke my heart or I broke his, I couldn’t – ”
His vision blurs and get lets out a choked sob. He ducks his head. “I know this is the worst time to realise this. I should’ve said no when he proposed, I shouldn’t have – ”
“Evan,” Tommy says, and there’s a heaviness in his tone, but great care too. “Look at me.”
Buck doesn’t, until he feels Tommy’s hand on his arm.
He finally turns his head.
Tommy’s never been given to large shows of emotion. It’s part of what differentiated them, and it’s part of the similarities between him and Eddie. Both of them – for somewhat different but related reasons – grew up feeling like they needed to hide their emotions, that it was unmanly to show it. So Buck’s learned to read the microexpressions in the downturn of his mouth, and the crinkle of his eyes. Eddie is easier to read now, when he’s happy, but it’s similar when he’s in work mode, when he’s not happy. Buck pushes the thought back. It hurts to think about Eddie at all right now.
But this is maybe the most emotion Buck’s ever seen on Tommy’s face. It’s still not a dramatic amount, but even when they were breaking up, he kept it more locked down.
His mouth falls open a little.
Tommy’s eyes are on him, serious and upset. “One, I need you to know if you don’t already, that you were very important to me. Still are. As we’ve talked about – I freaked out because my feelings were strong enough that I was afraid you’d really hurt me if you left.”
This is somewhat soothing, although he’s not ready to stop feeling sorry for himself. “As I probably would’ve,” he mumbles.
Tommy frowns a little. “We don’t know. That’s not my point.” He breathes out heavily. Guiltily, Buck realises. “I didn’t realise how much damage I was doing to you, protecting me. And I’m so, so, fucking sorry, Evan.” His voice cracks on the sorry.
Buck swipes at his eyes, uselessly. “It wasn’t all you. You were just the last in a line.” He sobs again. “I always think I have it worked out, I have the person I love and they love me, and then they leave. And I won’t get over him leaving me by baking or sleeping around or working out. I won’t – survive it. And it always happens. My girlfriends, you, Maddie, my fucking parents – ”
Tommy’s hand tightens on his arm. “I won’t speak for your exes or Maddie, but your parents are fucking idiots for what they did to you. Even if they were protecting themselves. And so am I – and I’m not saying this because I’m still in love with you, although I do love you and I think I always will – I will always regret the way I did that. And I’m angry at myself and everyone who ever made you feel like you couldn’t trust the people you love to stay. Because you’re so fucking worth staying for, and there is a man in that building behind us who loves you so much it’s insane. It’s honestly embarrassing how gone he is for you, and how much he has done to make sure you’ll always be connected. He’s not going to leave you, Evan. Not in a million years.”
Buck blinks at him, heart beating fast. “What if I lose him?”
Tommy stares back at him, deep and emotional. “A very wise ex of mine once said, sooner or later something has to be worth the risk. You said yes to being together. You accepted his proposal. You’ve already done the hard bits. This kind of love – it’s worth the risk.”
Buck sobs again, and then pulls him into a hug. A short one, but no less emotional.
He smiles, releasing him. “That was a pretty good speech. I didn’t think you were a speech guy.”
Tommy chuckles wetly. “Everyone once in a blue moon. With the right inspiration.”
Buck wipes his eyes. “Fuck, ok, thank you. Freakout over. I’m going to marry the love of my goddamn life now.”
Tommy’s eyes crinkle up. “Good, because your woman of honour is looking for you. Which is why I came out.”
Buck nods. “Alright, we better get a move on. You think I’m stressful with a clipboard, Maddie’s a bloodhound.”
Tommy chuckles. “I’m very aware.”
Buck turns to him, as they walk back towards the inside. “Is it worth it for you, now?”
Tommy smiles, soft and easy. Buck remembers this particular smile well. “Well, I was once told to take the risk anyway. And now I’m engaged to the love of my life. And I have the sweetest stepdaughter in the world.” He pauses. “So, thank you, for not letting me fuck it up again.”
Buck exhales, shakily, almost laughing. “Right back atcha.”
During the reception, Buck holds his new husband in his arms. His husband. His husband.
His pre-wedding panic seems so ridiculous now. He’s holding his new husband – Eddie, God, how has he gotten this lucky – and he knows they can fucking do this. He doesn’t know what the future has in store, whether it will choose to devastate him some day, but he doesn’t care. He chooses to believe. To take the risk.
Eddie pulls back from his shoulder to look at him. “What’s on your mind, handsome?”
Handsome. When he looks like that right now, with his collar all unbuttoned. Buck beams at him, so in love there’s no room for anything else. “I just love you. Husband.”
Eddie’s face goes sappier than it’s been all night, which is saying something. They’ve both been ridiculously sappy. But hey, it’s their wedding. “I love you more. Husband.”
“Unlikely,” Buck says, and leans in to kiss him.
Pulling back, he can see his family members behind Eddie. His eyes fall on Tommy, dancing goofily with Andre and Bee, her yellow dress bright and beautifully contrasting with her skin. Andre is laughing at his terrible dance moves, affectionately.
Buck smiles. Worth it.