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There’s three things that lead Eddie here.
First, the whole Buck and Tommy of it all.
Tommy kept pestering him to go to numerous—and he really means numerous—things. It wasn’t a problem, not really. But, well, he missed hanging out with Buck.
But how was he supposed to just say no? Especially when Tommy came up with stuff like flying to Vegas in a helicopter. Eddie had tried to hint at Tommy to invite Buck. Hell, he’d even tried inviting Buck himself, albeit subtly. It had never worked out. Until, of course, the basketball game. And well, they don’t talk about the basketball game.
From being overjoyed because Buck was there to being in actual, physical pain because Buck was there, Eddie had lived ten lives since that day.
Second, and you won’t believe it, the whole Buck and Tommy of it all.
Because after all that, somehow, on a random date with Marisol, guess who Eddie had run into. That’s right, Buck and Tommy. As always, he’d been excited about seeing Buck. Had even yelled his name on top of his lungs. He’d also been kind of glad that Tommy was hanging out with Buck, thinking that it would finally lead the guy to invite Buck too.
Until. Until Eddie had said something about closet spaces, something innocuous, really.
And then- “Aint that the truth, right, Evan?”
As soon as the words registered in Eddie’s mind, his stomach had dropped. Then dropped some more at how Buck’s smile had faltered.
They were on a date that night.
They were. On a date. Date.
Eddie’s brain is working just fine, but thank you for asking.
Then, the third, the worst. As if Eddie’s brain wasn’t scrambled enough already, he found out that Marisol was almost a nun.
Eddie’s dick, he admits, is not working just fine.
So yeah, he has every right to run away from home and spend the morning working out at the firehouse gym. Every fucking right. And no, this doesn’t count as freaking out. He is not freaking out. Or panicking. It’s not a problem he has every time he gets a girlfriend. It’s not.
Right before the shift is about to start, Buck comes up to talk to him. And Eddie, well, Eddie has a million questions.
When had they gotten together? Was Eddie hanging out with Tommy coming between the both of them?
Is that why Buck had injured him? But, but it doesn’t make sense. Tommy hadn’t brought up Buck once when they hung out, or even the fact that he was gay in the first place.
The questions keep swirling in his mind, and that’s where they stay. If Buck has found something out about himself recently, he’d tell him when he’s ready. Eddie just needs to be patient.
So they talk about the one problem Eddie can talk to Buck about: Marisol.
Buck advices him to talk to Bobby in turn, which Eddie happily takes. Then there’s a moment where Buck looks like he wants to say something. Eddie holds his breath, guessing what it’s about. It remains a guess. The moment passes. Buck says nothing.
It breaks Eddie’s heart a little. Not because Buck isn’t coming out to him yet, no, but because he already knows. Because his date has already practically outed him.
God. Date. Buck and Tommy. On a date.
Eddie continues working out just a little bit more frantically.
There’s a good chance they got together when Tommy went over to smooth things between them. And oh god, Eddie can’t stand the idea of that. Not the idea of Buck liking men, no. That’s fine. Totally. Just…
Eddie sighs. Working out is not helping. He needs to talk to Bobby.
***
“So, you think I’m a commitmentphobe?”
“Mm, you don’t seem to have a problem committing to certain things.” Bobby says. “The military, this job, your son. Shannon.”
Now. Two of those things are true. This job and his son. The military and Shannon are, well, related. In the sense that he ran to the military because he got scared…of his commitment to Shannon.
Fuck.
He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “That was a lot of the reason why we got married.” He says, forcing himself to acknowledge it. “The church. She got pregnant and I think we both felt pressured into it. But I never regretted it. And…even when things got really bad, there was always a part of me that,”
He doesn’t know how to put it in words. Shannon was his best friend, the mother of his child. He’d liked having her in his life, loved, even. And he liked knowing that he was married. That he didn’t have to worry about this whole dating business. Even when she left him. Because even then, he’d had this…concrete thing to lean on, without worrying too much. A safety net of sorts. Or a safe room to shield him from the chaos of dating.
Finally, Eddie settles on, “I loved being married to her.”
“I’m not gonna tell you how you feel about Marisol, Eddie. Only you know that.”
Eddie pouts, nodding. He understands. He just doesn’t like it.
By the time the shift is over, Eddie comes to a conclusion: indefinitely avoid Marisol. He has to say, it’s hard considering they live together now. But he can always crash at Buck’s. And when Christopher comes back, they both can crash at Buck’s. Sure, Buck has no bedroom and a bunch of stairs. But it’s fine. Maybe he can convince Buck to move to a place with no stairs and two or more bedrooms. It’s just objectively easier than having sex with Marisol.
And look, Eddie’s not proud of any of this. He really isn’t. But. He can’t bring himself to regret his choices. Because that night, over beers and soft music, Buck manages to come out to him.
“It was a date,” he says, so nervous it shatters Eddie’s heart. “When you and Marisol ran into me and Tommy, we were on a date,”
Eddie blinks, nodding. He wants to act like this is brand new information. He does. But he can’t lie, not to his best friend.
“I was wondering when you’d tell me,” he says instead, giving him a sad smile.
Buck’s face shifts from nervousness to borderline devastation. “You…you knew?”
“I figured,” Eddie says cautiously. “After he made a weird joke about closets,”
Buck’s eyes widen as nods, biting his lip.
“So,” Eddie says, trying to lift this absolutely unneeded tension. “Tommy, huh?”
“Yeah,” Buck exhales. “Doesn’t matter, though. He dumped me,”
“Really?” Eddie asks, confused. If anything, Buck should’ve been the one to dump him. “That’s fast, even for you.”
“Yeah.” Buck says, the nervousness slowly seeping away from his voice. “We didn’t even end up going to the movie. He just, left me on the curb. Didn't think I was ready.”
Eddie narrows his eyes, his blood slowly beginning to boil.
“What do you think?” he asks Buck, because that’s what matters. That’s what he should be focusing on. Not on how he’s going to block Tommy the first chance he gets.
“I don’t know, Eddie,” Buck says, pained. “I think I’m ready for something. It’s just, new, but also not. It just, makes sense. This part of me that felt, I don’t know, missing. I haven’t…figured out the details. So when you just spawned in the restaurant that day, I, well, I made a fool of myself.”
“You always do,” Eddie says fondly.
Buck scoffs, giving him a side eye. Eddie just celebrates the tension in the room finally dissipating.
“I’m just saying,” Eddie continues, “If he’s going to be cruel to you anytime you make a fool of yourself, maybe he’s not the one for you.”
Buck nods, pouting. And god, Tommy’s an idiot. If Eddie was gay, he would never, ever dump Buck.
“Well, the whole time we hung out? He didn’t tell me he was gay either.” Eddie says. It’s not Eddie’s business, really, but the hypocrisy… “So I don’t understand what his problem is,”
Buck sighs. “It’s not even that I wanted to hide it or anything. I was just, caught off guard.”
“You’re allowed to take your time, Buck. It’s a big deal.”
“That’s the thing. It doesn’t feel like a big deal, not particularly. I’ve never shied away from checking out a hot guy’s ass thinking that’s normal-”
“-Totally”
“-But apparently straight men don’t.”
“Oh,” Eddie blinks. That has to be a lie, right? Right? It has to be.
“I guess I just don’t want this to change everything,” Buck says, voice shaking a little. “Because it’s just me, it’s always been just me.”
Eddie’s hands immediately make their way home to Buck’s shoulder, squeezing lightly. “This doesn’t change a thing between us, alright?”
“That’s a relief.” It’s not. Eddie can see that it’s not in Buck’s sad, sad nod. He doesn’t know why.
Buck sighs, shaking off his anxiousness. “Well, dating was hard enough when it was just women trying to flee me,” he says, taking a swig of his beer. “I guess I really wanted Tommy to be the answer. And he’s not. He’s not the one for me. And that’s…fine, actually. But just, at this point, you have to wonder, who will?”
“Someone who’ll also make a fool of themself with you.” Eddie says, gently smacking Buck’s bicep with the back of his hand. Buck’s smile is immediate and bright, and Eddie can’t help but return it.
“That’s…actually good advice,”
They stare at each other for a moment too long. It’s moments like these, really, that make Eddie realise just how much like home Buck feels. Enough for Eddie to abandon his actual, physical home without a second thought.
Speaking of. God.
“I gotta break up with Marisol, don’t I?” Eddie sighs. “In spirit of, you know, not dragging it on with someone you know isn’t the one for you,”
Buck nods, swallowing thickly.
She’d just moved in. The hassle of it all. God.
“Alright,” Eddie sighs again, gets up. He almost makes it to the door before turning back, “Come here, come here,”
Eddie pulls Buck into a hug he so clearly needs, and feels the tension melting away entirely. Besides, it’s not just Buck who needs this hug. Eddie does too. There’s no particular reason. He just always needs—wants—to hug Buck.
“Don’t call Tommy,” Eddie says, still holding Buck. He feels just a bit petty saying it, but. Clearly Tommy can go fuck himself. “There’s plenty of other men in LA,”
“And women,” Buck says, “I still love women. Just, also men, I think.”
Eddie nods, a sporting a small smile. As if to say it still won’t change anything between them. Because it won’t. Buck’s relief is palpable. Eddie squeezes his shoulder once again and leaves to go face Marisol.
***
Eddie can’t sleep. Mainly because Marisol’s mostly unpacked boxes are still there in his room. She’ll take them back, of course, just not in the middle of the night.
He’d almost chickened out when breaking up with her. But after having panic attacks about Ana, dragging on another relationship that’s so clearly doomed just seemed…cruel. To her, but also, himself.
So now he’s left here, the boxes borderline staring at him. They shouldn’t have been here in the first place. He was trying to go through the motions of a relationship again. On autopilot. And he was going in circles. The same thing, again and again. With Marisol, with Ana, and…let’s face it, Shannon.
There’s a good chance he is a commitmentphobe, contrary to what Bobby said. Because why in the hell had he run away from Shannon too? He’d loved being married to her, he did. But the tour, and the enlisting, both times. Hell, he’d never even said he loved her when they were back together.
He realises the only person he’s committed to, aside from his son, is Buck. Buck is his person, his best friend, the one he loves to the core. But that doesn’t mean anything. Eddie is straight. The thing about straight men not checking out other men is a lie. A homophobic lie. He’s allowed to appreciate men’s beauty. Michelangelo wasn’t gay.
…Right?
Restlessly, Eddie looks it up. And. Okay. So, Michelangelo was gay. But it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t have to.
Eddie sighs. He’s been through too much to spiral about any of this. Soon, Marisol’s boxes will be gone. Everything will be back to normal.
It’s all fine.
***
It’s not all fine. Not even close.
It was fine, at first. Buck’s excitement about Chim’s bachelor party, Eddie suggesting that they go as Crockett and Tubbs—that was all normal. Eddie buying a whole new pink suit just to make Buck happy? That was normal too.
But Chim never made it to the bachelor party, and the people who did, left. Honestly, Eddie wasn’t bothered. He wasn’t here for Chim—especially when Chim hadn’t exactly hidden his disdain for the party. He was here for Buck.
So naturally, they’re the last two left. Partying with a bunch of strangers, drunk out of their minds, singing What I Like About You. It fits them so perfectly, Eddie thinks, his free arm around Buck’s shoulder. At some point, Buck turns to face him, smiling so widely Eddie’s stomach flips. Their eyes lock. And god, Buck’s face...Buck’s face is close. Eddie can feel his breath on him. And yet, it’s not close enough. Eddie wants…he wants…
Well. Fuck.
He wants to kiss Buck.
It’s startling, this feeling. But it’s not nearly new enough to sober him up. Of course he wants to kiss Buck. Have you looked at him? He has the most kissable lips on earth. And face. Most kissable face on earth. Only a fool wouldn’t want to kiss him.
Eddie might be straight, but he is not a fool.
It’s a lie that straight men don’t want to kiss their best friend. It’s a joy they needlessly deprive themselves of. And yes, they should also be allowed to sing romantic songs at each other if it fits them. It’s just karaoke! Straight men should be allowed to feel joy too, damnit.
It means nothing.
The night goes on because it means nothing.
“I can’t believe Chim is missing the best bachelor party ever!” Buck says, pouting.
Eddie nods, utterly drunk. “Maybe it won’t work out between him and your sister. Then you can throw him another one.”
Buck’s laugh tickles Eddie’s neck. He’s basically sitting on Eddie’s lap, arms around his shoulder. Eddie could just turn around and their lips would meet. He wants to be always this close to Buck, their bodies pressed together. One breath away from kissing.
Okay, fine.
None of these thoughts are straight.
Eddie knows. He knows, alright? He just doesn’t care. Buck is his best friend. If you’re not allowed to have gay thoughts for your best friend, who are you allowed to have gay thought about? Besides, Buck is also like, the prettiest person in the whole world. It’s not Eddie’s fault.
“We should get an Uber!” Buck says.
And who is Eddie to deny him anything? “We should totally get an Uber!”
They get several Ubers and just move the party to Chim’s room. He’s either not there, or won’t come out of his bedroom, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is Buck. And the fact that they’re having fun. And they are. Having fun. That’s all it is. Fun. Eddie’s heart doesn’t somersault at Buck fighting a woman to rip his sleeves of at all.
At some point, Eddie finds Buck sitting on the floor behind the couch. Eddie joins him, of course. He didn’t drop Chris off at his cousin’s to be away from Buck for more than five minutes.
Buck sighs, content, and leans his head against Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie doesn’t know why he wants to cry.
“Eddieeeeeee,” Buck borderline whines,
“I’m hereee,”
“Eddie, why are you straight?”
“I don’t know,” Eddie says, sad. “I’m sorry.”
“I want to cry,”
“Hey, don’t cry, I can try to not be straight,”
Buck giggles. “God, I love you.”
“I love you, too, Buck.”
It slips off easily. Too easily. But it’s true. It’s always been true.
Buck pouts. “You said someone meant for me would make a fool of themself for me,”
Eddie smiles, pointing to his newly bought but entirely destroyed clothes. “Well, making a fool of myself, aren’t I? And happily, too.”
Buck whines. “You can’t say stuff like that and not kiss me. It’s unfair.”
And again, really, who is Eddie to deny him anything? He kisses Buck.
It’s absolute bullshit that straight men aren’t allowed to kiss their best friends. Because this is the best kiss of Eddie’s entire life. His mind is fried instantly. No kiss has ever come close, will ever come close. This one, as soft and tender and riddled with the taste of alcohol as it is, makes Eddie feel alive. More alive than he’s ever felt in his entire life.
Buck pulls back, a surprised and curious smile playing on his lips. He’s fucking gorgeous. Eddie has no choice but to pull him right back in.
***
It takes a moment to remember all of it through the massive, massive, truly ginormous hangover. The fact that he slept in a damn bathtub — which, why the fuck is it in the middle of the room? —doesn’t help. Eddie’s entire body aches.
“Please tell me you don’t remember last night,” Buck says, utterly mortified. Eddie gets up from the tub to face him.
“Well,”
“Oh god,” Buck immediately starts pacing, panic rippling through him. Eddie’s head pounds harder. “I’m sorry, I’m genuinely so sorry, I’m-”
“Buck,” Eddie says. And fuck it. He kisses him. It doesn’t last long, on account of their morning breaths after a night of drinking. But it’s enough to stop Buck’s spiral, make him stand entirely still.
“Wait,” he says, eyes flickering to Eddie’s torso before finding his eyes again. Suddenly, Eddie’s aware of how shirtless he is. “Right. You kissed me. Then kept…kissing me.”
Nervously, Eddie mumbles, “Yeah,”
“What…what does it mean?”
“I don’t know,” Eddie says honestly.
He just knows he kissed Buck, and liked it far too much to be a straight man. He knows that he wanted to kiss him the whole night. Wants to kiss him again. And again. Today, tomorrow, forever. Knows he doesn’t want to stop.
But they don’t have time to figure it out all yet, to talk this through. They have a wedding to get to.
***
Chimney couldn’t have decided to go missing at a worse time. Not only is it his wedding day, it’s also Eddie’s sexuality crisis day. And the horrid hangover headache day. It’s just, a bad day all around. But they push through and search and search for him.
They’re driving back to dispatch now, pizza in the back seat. They’d functioned properly, somehow. But clearly, Buck is still tense. Eddie can see it. Eddie can always see it. Granted, Chim being missing is compounding onto his stress, but Eddie knows Buck.
“Hey,” he says softly.
Buck takes a deep breath. Eddie braces himself. “You said this doesn’t change a thing between us-”
“-maybe I lied,”
“-and I ruined it anyway. I’m sor- wait, what?”
“Okay,” Now Eddie takes a deep breath, nervous. “When I said I don’t know what this means, I meant I don’t know what this means about me, Buck. My sexuality. Not what this means about how I feel about you.”
“And,” Buck pauses a beat, hesitant. “How do you feel about me?”
“I’m in love with you.”
Buck almost crashes the car. Then, safely pulling over, “Eddie,”
“But I am.” Eddie says with ease that even he’s surprised by. “In love with you.”
It’s just, so obvious. So huge and so overwhelming. It’s a part of him, part of each atom that makes him up. It isn’t new, this love. It isn’t foreign. He’s known, somewhere deep in his subconscious. He’s known what Buck means to him. But it was all locked in a cage because Eddie’s never felt worthy enough to let it free. Now, now it’s just free. That kiss set it free, whether he wanted it to or not. And Eddie, Eddie doesn’t mind. Can’t. Not when it fills him with so much joy. He doesn’t want to go back to the dark corners of his mind, doesn’t want to lock this in a cage. Whatever the fuck it means about his sexuality, he loves Buck. He’s in love with Buck. And nothing can take that away from him.
The whole time Eddie’s zoned out waxing poetic about Buck in his mind, Buck has been just, staring at him.
“Buck?” Eddie asks. “Sorry, did I break you?”
Buck just takes off his seat belt, leans over and kisses him. It’s their first sober kiss, a proper one. It lingers, Buck clutching onto him tightly. And Eddie feels alive again. Euphoric. It’s a little surprising that just a kiss could make you feel this way. Turn your world upside down.
Buck leans his forehead on Eddie’s, panting for breath.
“God, Eddie,” Buck sighs. “I’ve been spiralling for days,”
Eddie brow furrows. Somehow, he hadn’t noticed that. Maybe because he’d also been spiralling for days.
“I, uh, after I came out and you left to go break up with Marisol, I…realised I didn’t really care that much about him or how the date went. I was stressed because I’d been lying to you. I was thinking about you the whole time. It was your attention that I wanted back, and I’d somehow deluded myself into thinking it was his attention because I couldn’t…couldn’t lose you.”
He chokes at the last part. Eddie shakes his head, and pulls Buck’s head down to kiss his forehead, moving to his birthmark.
“You wouldn’t have,” Eddie reassures. “Even if I was straight. You’re just…too important to me, Buck.”
Buck nods, eyes watering. “I love you.”
Eddie kisses his birthmark again. “I love you too.”
“So you’re…not straight?”
“I mean, I’m guessing, considering,” he vaguely gestures between them, drawing out a laugh from Buck. “But I don’t know what I am yet. Just that I love you.”
Buck kisses him again. “I’m gonna lose my mind.”
Eddie pouts, kisses Buck’s birthmark yet again. It’s really hard to stop. “No time for that, we gotta go find your brother in law.”
***
Chim and Maddie get married in the hospital. And there’s just, something about it. Yes, they could’ve had a beautiful wedding, and they deserved it, too. But there’s something about not caring about any of it because you’re so in love with that person. Eddie’s overwhelmed. His wedding to Shannon wasn’t a beautiful dream either, and he’d not cared much about how they got married either, but. That was all because he was scared, about the baby, about what marriage would hold for him. And also, because he was mostly checked out. It wasn’t fair, to Shannon or him. He’ll never regret her, never, ever regret Christopher, not even for a second. But he can acknowledge that it just wasn’t fair.
Eddie knows he’s not the only one overwhelmed right now. Clearly, Buck is too. He knows Buck wants to kiss him right now, get that energy out. And for a moment, Eddie thinks, fuck it. It’s new, and it’s terrifying, yes. But it’s also his family.
Then he remembers how Maddie is the one member of Buck’s flesh and blood family whose opinion Eddie actually cares about. And both her and Chim have been through enough today. They don’t need Eddie kissing Buck and immediately stealing their thunder. It’s their day.
But Buck. God. Unable to help himself, Eddie places his hand on the small of Buck’s back. Not a kiss, nothing too obvious. But touch, contact, that he knows Buck craves. Buck looks at him, questioning. Eddie nods. And then Buck is laying his head on Eddie’s shoulder, sighing contently.
And for some reason, no one even bats an eye.
Huh.
Eddie’s…confused. But he ignores. He can’t process it all in one day.
***
That night, Eddie finds himself laying on his bed again, unable to sleep. The whole day had been a whirlwind. Buck had gone back to his loft after the wedding, having to deal with his shitty parents that Eddie will never forgive. So Eddie’s alone again, with his thoughts. His terrifying, scary thoughts. But somewhere between trying to look for Chim and the wedding, his mind had worked the basics out.
Buck is bi, but he’s not. He’s gay.
Because if he’d never kissed Buck, he’d have never known how kisses were even supposed to feel like. How wanting them was supposed to feel like. He laughs bitterly. Of course he’d run away from every woman he’d tried to date.
It’s unfair.
It’s so easy, trying to picture a future with Buck without getting the urge to run. Waking up in Buck’s arms every morning, trading lazy kisses in the kitchen, holding hands when grocery shopping, cuddling while watching movies. Eddie almost blacks out from the bliss. He feels light for the first time, thinking about forever with someone. His chest aches with desire instead of dread.
And fuck, he’s tearing up.
His whole life, he didn’t know. He didn’t know it was supposed to feel like this. He’d just gone through life on autopilot, denying himself joy in name of duty. Duty his parents taught him, then told him he’d failed at.
Of course it took him this fucking long to realise something so obvious about himself. Of course he had to be drunk out of his mind, all inhibitions lowered for it to happen at all.
Slowly, the pain turns to anger. He’ll still never regret Shannon, but he just…he just wonders. How it’d have been if he’d figured it out when he was younger. And why he didn’t. Couldn’t. 90s and early 2000s were not a kind time, let alone in Texas, in church. Eddie had filled himself with shame and guilt and shame and guilt till he was sure they’d protect him.
Suddenly, he’s restless. He can’t, he can’t let Christopher think the same. He can’t.
He scrambles out of his bed and into Chris’ room. Its’ dark, except for the flashlight he’s using to read a book.
“Christopher?” Eddie says, nervous.
“Dad,” Chris looks up from his book guiltily. “I swear I’m gonna sleep. Just, let me finish this chapter? Please?”
Eddie shakes his head, sits down on the floor beside the bed. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you.”
Chris tilts his head, curious. “Oh. What is it, dad?”
“We never talked about this and I just wanted to make it clear,” Eddie takes a deep breath. Then another. Why is this so hard? He’s not even trying to come out.
“Dad, you’re scaring me,”
“I just wanted to make it clear that you…can bring anyone home. I don’t care what gender they are as long as you’re both safe and happy.”
Chris lets out a relieved sigh, closing his book. “Is this about you and Buck?”
“I- How did you-”
“Sauron’s eye appearing in this room right now would be less obvious than you two.”
A small laugh bursts out of Eddie, cheeks turning pink. This is, frankly, embarrassing. But. He doesn’t care. He loves Buck. Why must he be subtle about it? For whose sake?
He shakes his head, not feeling like a prisoner of his own mind for once. “Fair, but I do mean it.” he says, holding his ground. “I don’t want you to ever feel shame or fear about this. If you’re ever confused or questioning, and, and even if you’re not, you can always talk to me. About anything. Alright?”
Chris nods, smiling. “Yes, dad, okay.”
Eddie breaths. He still feels queasy and ill, his heart still pounding. But it’s worth it. Chris could be queer or straight, it doesn’t matter. As long as he never has to fear, never has to be confused or ashamed, everything is worth it.
“Dad?”
“Hm?”
“I’m happy for you.”
“Yeah,” Eddie smiles, trying to control his tears. “I’m happy for me, too.”
“You know, the word gay used to mean happy?”
Eddie laughs, surprised. Chris is Buck’s kid alright. “Yeah?”
“It’s mentioned in this book a lot, so I searched it up to know what the deal was. Well, you are, right? Gay? Because otherwise the women of LA deserve an apology,”
Eddie scoffs. “I’ve dated two women of LA in my entire life. And yeah, I am. Gay.”
The words sound so strange coming from his mouth the first time. But he thinks it’ll be okay. It’ll get easier. He’s not going back in the suffocation of the closet just because this is new. It’s air. He can breathe. He can feel, whatever comes up, he can feel. He’s going to fucking feel.
With feelings come tears, apparently. And this time, he can’t control it, no matter how much he wants to.
Chris immediately gets his phone. Says, “Texting Buck, hold on,”
Eddie smiles. It’s going to be okay. He just holds Chris’ hands and breathes until Buck walks through the door.
“Chris? You said it’s your dad- hey,”
Eddie forgoes the greeting and just wraps his arms around Buck in a bone-crushing hug. Buck immediately hugs back, rocking him a little.
“Are you okay?” he asks softly.
Eddie nods, content. It’s a bit pathetic. He’s not minded getting shot multiple times, he should be able to handle a little bit of early thirties gay crisis alone. But. He doesn’t have to. And, well, he doesn’t want to. And that’s fine.
“Okay,” Chris says. “I love you guys and all, but like, can you go be gross in your own room now? I’m trying to read The fellowship of the ring here.”
Eddie snorts, ready to leave. But peels himself away from Buck just to go back and kiss Chris on his forehead.
“Thank you for being my kid. I love you so, so much.”
Chris smiles, brighter than the fucking sun. “I love you too, dad.”
Eddie smiles back at him. Then he’s back in Buck’s arms, who has to half carry him to their room because Eddie refuses to part with him enough to walk.
Together, they stumble into the bed.
“Mhm,” Buck says, as Eddie snuggles closer and closer, getting comfortable, “I thought I was supposed to be the stage 5 clinger,”
“Guess I am too, get used to it.”
“I wasn’t complaining,” Eddie can hear the smile in Buck’s voice. He hums, content. “Just…you sure you’re okay?”
“Better than I’ve ever been,” Eddie says, peppering soft kisses on Buck’s shoulder. Then he pulls away just enough so they can look each other in the eye. “Remember when I was having panic attacks because of Ana?”
“Is that…” Buck says nervously, “Is that happening again?”
“God, Buck, no.” Eddie sighs. “Quite the opposite. Just, bear with me. Remember when I said dating felt like a performance?”
“Yeah?”
“Why did anyone let me think I was straight?”
Buck starts giggling, the nervousness dissolving away. “It’s alright. I also believed I was straight until Tommy kissed me.”
“Eugh,” Eddie straight up gags, “Don’t remind me.”
Buck gives him a curious smile. “You’re jealous,”
“The motherfucker told me he’d fix things between us and then kissed you.”
“Eddie,”
“Sorry, I know it’s-”
“No, no, it’s fine. I mean, I did something way more stupid because I was jealous. Besides, I like it.”
“Me being jealous?”
“Yeah,” Buck admits. “I never belonged like that to anyone or anything, except maybe the 118. But it’s different this time. I…I like being yours.”
Eddie kisses him, how could he not? Then he moves to his cheek, his birthmark, his jaw, making Buck’s breath hitch. It drives Eddie wild. Before he realises, he’s leaving a hickey there.
“You’re kidding me,” Buck laughs.
“It’ll be fun,” Eddie says unbothered, moving down to his neck, “Them trying to guess who gave these to you.”
“You’re a menace.”
“Mm hm, your menace.”
And god. To say he belongs to someone and it feeling…just right. Not like a chain, not like a stage, but like him. Like freedom.
“Not that they’ll have to keep guessing forever.” Eddie says, looking back up into those cool blue eyes. “Because I do want to tell people. Just,”
“It’s new and a little terrifying?” Buck offers calmly.
Eddie nods. Of course Buck knows what it feels like.
Eddie sighs, then kisses Buck’s birthmark again. Christ, it’s gonna be the death of him. “It’s new and a little terrifying, yes. But Buck, I love you. I want to be able to shout it from the rooftops. Soon. I promise.”
Buck nods, their noses brushing together. “As long as you need, baby.”
“And till then,” Eddie grins mischievously, “We get to mess with the others. Especially Chim. It’s a win-win.”
“As I said, menace.” Buck says, before kissing him thoroughly, stupidly.
“I love you.” Eddie says when they pull apart. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Eddie. So much.”
Eddie’s tearing up again, the damn feelings he kept locked inside a vault eager to find release. Buck is cradling his face, and Eddie tilts his head slightly to kiss his palms.
“I…I’m not going to be tough or strong for the next few minutes,” he chokes out. “Bear with me. I’m kinda tired,”
Eddie's never willingly shed his armour like this before. But this is Buck. He's safe. No matter how terrifying this whole thing is, he is in Buck’s arms. And he needs to get it out. Not repress it until another breakdown. He’d been extremely close to one today.
He wants to be better. For Chris. But also for himself. So he takes a deep breath and sheds his armour.
“I want to dance,” Eddie says wistfully. He would’ve, if Maddie and Chim’s wedding had gone according to the plan. Hopefully even with Buck. But it didn’t, and so they didn’t. But that doesn’t mean that they still can’t dance right here, in his house.
“Dance?” Buck asks, eyes shining curiously, lips tugged into softest of smiles.
And Eddie’s gone. He’s really, really gone. Just embarrassingly down bad. He really shouldn’t have taken this long to figure out how hopelessly he was in love with Buck.
“Just, let loose.” He says, staring into his eyes. “Yesterday…I, I felt so…alive. More than I have in years.”
Buck nods, “Okay. Though I should warn you. I’m not as good at dancing as I am at karaoke.”
“I don’t care,” Eddie smiles, “As long as it’s you, I really don’t care.”
Buck’s smile brightens more, scrambling Eddie’s mind entirely. God, he’s gorgeous. “So, dancing, huh? I never would’ve guessed. But, it makes sense. I think.”
“It’s not, it’s not just dancing,” Eddie says, thumb drawing hearts around Buck’s birthmark. “I don’t…I don’t know what else. It’s thirty-two years of repression, Buck. I don’t know how to untangle it all yet, but I want to.”
Buck nods slightly, kissing his forehead. Eddie sighs, content.
“I’d marry you in a hospital.” He blurts out.
“Eddie,” Buck’s breath hitches.
“That’s what I was thinking the whole time. That I’d marry you anywhere, even in a hospital. But, I don’t know, I also want to do it right this time. But really, at the end of the day, I don’t care as long as I get to marry you.”
Buck says nothing, just stares at him, mouth agape.
“I didn’t scare you, did I?” Eddie asks, laughing.
“No,” He smiles, shaking his head slightly. “Not at all, just…”
“I, I was told to be the man of the house since I was ten.” Eddie tries to explain. “My whole life, I’ve been…lost between what I should feel and what I actually feel. And in the end not feeling anything and suppressing it all. But it didn’t make what I actually felt go away. All the feelings were just, there, building up and waiting to burst out and see the light of day at some point. Kissing you did it. It’s overwhelming, so, it’s kinda overflowing.”
“I’m overwhelming?” Buck’s voice, for once, feels devoid of all the baggage that sentence would usually carry for him. Just a hint of curiosity. Eddie can’t help but feel pride that Buck knows Eddie would never leave him, no matter what. And god, it feels good. To stop running. To no longer find the need to.
“Yes,” He says. “In a good way. In the best way. You’re worth it, Buck. You and Chris. You’re both worth breaking every toxic cycle, everything I’ve believed in.”
“Mm, you are, too.” Buck says, kissing his forehead.
For the first time, Eddie believes it. Believes he’s worthy of being kissed like he’s the most precious thing in the world. Of being held like this. God, he’s never been held like this.
“Hold me,” he whispers.
Buck laughs, holding him tighter. “Oh, I’m never letting go.”