Work Text:
From: Elphaba Thropp < [email protected] >
To: Glinda Upland < [email protected] >
Subject: Performance Review
Hello Glinda,
I hope this email finds you well. As part of my ongoing efforts to improve after our meeting last night, I kindly request that you complete a brief performance review using the attached link.
Your feedback is valuable, and I appreciate your timely and thoughtful response. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you have questions or concerns.
Best regards,
Elphaba Thropp
From: Glinda Upland < [email protected]>
To: Elphaba Thropp < [email protected] >
Subject: Performance Review
Elphie did you seriously just send me a google form asking for feedback on our sex life?
- Glinda
Sent from my ipad
From: Elphaba Thropp < [email protected] >
To: Glinda Upland < [email protected] >
Subject: Performance Review
Dear Glinda,
Thank you for taking the time to complete my performance evaluation. I appreciate your feedback.
I would like to request clarification regarding your answers to questions 1-10, in which you scored every aspect as “exceeds expectations.” Could you please elaborate on what you meant by this? I would appreciate any specific insights on how I could grow my skills and performance in these areas.
Sincerely,
Elphaba Thropp
From: Glinda Upland < [email protected] >
To: Elphaba Thropp < [email protected] >
Subject: Performance Review
Good Afternoon Elphaba,
I appreciate your openness to receiving feedback. I scored your performance as “exceeds expectations” in all categories because your performance has been excellent, and you consistently meet and exceed standards. You have shown high levels of competence, and your dedication has been noted.
However, I understand you’re looking for more specific feedback. In that case, I am happy to report that your expert use of the strap left me unable to walk, and your head game is unprecedented.
I hope this clarification helps, and I’d be happy to give you an in-person demonstration of how much I appreciate your skills. I look forward to seeing your continued effort.
Best,
Glinda Upland
From: Elphaba Thropp < [email protected] >
To: Glinda Upland < [email protected] >
Subject: Performance Review
Dearest Glinda,
An in-person demonstration would be excellent! I have attached a when2meet, please let me know your availability.
Thank you,
Elphaba Thropp
From: Glinda Upland < [email protected] >
To: Elphaba Thropp < [email protected] >
Subject: Performance Review
Good evening Elphaba,
I have completed your when2meet. It seems we are both available between 8pm and 3am tonight. I anticipate our meeting taking a considerable amount of time, so please block out this entire period.
I look forward to our discussion.
Yours,
Glinda Upland
From: Elphaba Thropp < [email protected]>
To: Glinda Upland < [email protected] >
Subject: Performance Review
Good morning Glinda,
I truly value our rousing discussion last night, although I do believe that our neighbors did not. Unfortunately, I found that my hands were far too busy to take notes. Would you be able to send me a summary of your experience?
Thank you,
Elphaba Thropp
From: Glinda Upland < [email protected] >
To: Elphaba Thropp < [email protected] >
Subject: Performance Review
Dear Elphaba,
Please find attached my report on our meeting.
Best,
Glinda Upland
Why Sex With Elphaba Is Amazing
By: Glinda Upland
Introduction
While the definition of good sex is subjective, Elphaba is by far the best partner that I, Glinda, have ever had and she’s doing amazing and needs to stop worrying.
One study found that the primary themes of good sex include an emotional component involving chemistry and connection, and orgasm (Walker, A. M., & Lutmer, A., 2023). Although orgasm isn’t the primary goal or a necessity of sex, they’re fun. Several researchers found that in many encounters, one partner’s orgasm is the end of sex, leading to what is called the “orgasm gap” (Opperman et al., 2014; Séguin & Blais, 2019; Wetzel & Sanchez, 2022) which is disappointing. It can also lead to really short encounters, which is also disappointing. What's not disappointing is the 7 hours Glinda spent with Elphaba last night, in which the orgasm gap definitely did not apply. Other factors in sex which increase the likelihood of orgasm include trust and comfort (Opperman et al., 2014; Séguin & Blais, 2019) as well as a positive connection.
Because a positive emotional connection and ability to orgasm can be related to frequency of orgasm and enjoyment of an encounter, an overall analysis on the best sex Glinda has ever had can be done using data on number of orgasms over a set period of time, data on overall enjoyment, and a measurement of Glinda’s desire for more afterward.
Hypothesis
I hypothesize that sex with Elphaba is the best sex I’ve ever had due to overall enjoyment, frequency of orgasm, and desire for more afterward.
Materials
Glinda
Elphaba
Emerald Green Strap-On and Harness, 5 inches
Deluxe Vibrating Pink Strap-On and Harness, 7 inches, with glitter
5 oz bottle of Philosophy Club brand lube
Towel
Procedures
This experiment was conducted in two phases. Both phases began with making out then progressed to a combination of activities, randomized to prevent distorted findings.
In phase one, Glinda topped Elphaba. First, Glinda kissed Elphaba, left several bite marks, then went down on her for approximately a long time. Next, using the Deluxe Vibrating Pink Strap-On and Harness, Glinda fucked Elphaba in the missionary position. To encourage the color development of the cute blush on Elphaba’s face, Glinda used phrases such as “You're doing so good for me.” Afterward, both Glinda and Elphaba rested for 30 minutes.
In phase two, Elphaba topped Glinda from the bottom. During the resting period, both Glinda and Elphaba were cuddling which led to wandering hands and eventually more kissing. After some time, Glinda pushed Elphaba down and began to ride her in the cowgirl position. Initially, Glinda and Elphaba reached for the bottle of Philosophy Club brand lube, however it was determined that Glinda did not need it. The lube was wiped on the towel instead.
Results
Figure 1: Bar Chart Graph of Glinda’s orgasms vs time, comparing Elphaba and previous partners
Figure 2: Plot comparing Glinda’s enjoyment of sexual activities with a partner vs time
Table 1: Partner and desire for more afterward
Other key observations include Glinda not needing lube and the big wet spot on the bed and towel after that wasn’t from the lube.
Discussion
The first graph shows a comparison of Glinda’s orgasms with Elphaba over time (blue) as compared to Glinda’s orgasms with previous partners over time (red). The blue data shows a significantly higher total with 11 orgasms over a seven hour period. The data in red shows only a single orgasm, occurring in the first half hour and none further. For the most part, activities with previous partners also did not last nearly as long.
The second graph displays Glinda’s enjoyment vs time data with Elphaba (blue) and other partners (red). The blue curve is consistently at 100% enjoyment until it reaches 110% enjoyment at the end. The red curve begins at approximately 60% and decays to 0. The high enjoyment curve likely relates to the emotional connection between Glinda and Elphaba because Glinda loves spending time with Elphaba regardless of the activity.
Finally, the table displays Glinda’s desire for more afterward. With Elphaba, desire is a yes but no, meaning that Glinda does want more but is way too tired at the end. With previous partners, desire is a no but yes, meaning that Glinda does not want more because it wasn’t good but yes because they left her hanging.
There are no possible sources of error in this experiment, the data is perfect.
Conclusion
The major results of this experiment were that Glinda’s number of orgasms and amount of orgasms over time were significantly higher with Elphaba at a ratio of 11:1 total over the 7 hour period. The enjoyment over time started and stayed high with Elphaba whereas they began 40% lower and decayed quickly with previous partners. And finally, with Elphaba, Glinda wanted more but was not capable of more in a very good way. This shows that sex with Elphaba is literally the best that Glinda has ever had so please stop worrying about it, Elphie. In conclusion, I love you! (For more than sex but the sex is obviously really good too. <3 )
Sources
Séguin LJ, Blais M. (2019) Pleasure is just the tip of the iceberg: Social representations, personal beliefs, and attributed meanings to partnered orgasm. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. 2019;28(3) :328–342. doi: 10.3138/cjhs.2019-0027.
Walker, A. M., & Lutmer, A. (2023). Caring, Chemistry, and Orgasms: Components of Great Sexual Experiences. Sexuality & culture , 1–22. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-023-10087-x
Wetzel GM, Sanchez DT. (2022) Heterosexual young adults’ experience with and perceptions of the orgasm gap: A mixed methods approach. Psychology of Women Quarterly. 2022;46(2):131–146. doi: 10.1177/03616843221076410.
From: Elphaba Thropp < [email protected] >
To: Glinda Upland < [email protected] >
Subject: Performance Review
Hello Glinda,
I hope you’re doing well.
I wanted to thank you for the detailed report you have provided. While your methods are… interesting, your analysis and presentation are excellent. I also wanted to express my excitement that you cited your sources as this isn’t something you do often.
Yours,
Elphaba Thropp
From: Glinda Upland < [email protected] >
To: Elphaba Thropp < [email protected] >
Subject: Performance Review
Hello Elphaba,
How excited?
Respectfully,
Glinda Upland
From: Elphaba Thropp < [email protected] >
To: Glinda Upland < [email protected] >
Subject: Performance Review
Good afternoon Glinda,
Your report won’t be the only thing spread across my desk this evening.
Looking forward,
Elphaba Thropp
From: Office of Information Technology < [email protected] >
To: Glinda Upland < [email protected] >, Elphaba Thropp < [email protected] >
Subject: Flagged Emails
Hi Miss Thropp and Miss Upland,
I’m reaching out to let you both know that an email chain between you two has been flagged as explicit. Unfortunately, once the flag for this type of chain is created it automatically forwards to the headmistress’s office for possible disciplinary action. In the future, please refrain from using your school emails for... whatever this is.
Shiz IT department
From: Headmistress Madame Morrible < [email protected] >
To: All Shiz Students < [email protected] >
Subject: My Upcoming Retirement
Hello Shiz Students,
It has been my absolute joy and honor to serve so many years as your headshiztress, however after much time and consideration I am writing to inform you that I will be leaving my position at Shiz University. I am grateful for the support and dedication I have seen from most of you throughout my tenure here.The decision to step down was not an easy one, but I am confident that the school will be able to thrive in my absence.
Regards,
Madame Morrible
Headmistress
Shiz University