Polaroids all over the floor

by the_empty_pen

Summary:

As children, Shi Qingxuan, Xie Lian, and Hong were friends, but then they split up when two of them move away.
Xie Lian, in his new town, makes friends with Mu Qing and Feng Xin. Together, they deal not only with Mu Qing angsting out about his mother dating their maths teacher, but also with Feng Xin becoming a father at age fourteen.
Hua Cheng makes friends with an emo theater kid, and finds that maybe, the guy is even worthy of knowing about Xie Lian.
Shi Qingxuan fights tooth and nail for her brother to come to accept her as his little sister, and, strangely enough, finds her biggest support in Pei Ming. She hates that.
And, one day, the three of them are certain to meet again.

[Prequel to "We'll be more than a memory"]

Chapter 1: Prologue

Notes:

ok, dear god. hello and welcome to the uni au prequel i promised everyone. it is now here. the prologue is a short one, forgive me! next chapter will be on friday, so yk. not that long of a wait!!! chapter lengths in general will greatly vary, but I'm trying my best to keep them in the 2k-4k span! so that's about what u can expect; however, some might go above that, I'm not sure yet. i'm trying my best to avoid it jadfhgdak 50k of this are already written, so yk. proving to be another long boy once more. I'm betting on like. 200k or something. hopefully a little below that, but yk. this is me. it's probably gonna go above that. we shall see.

if you're here from the main fic or the extras - please mind that this fic DOES have a different tone. they were all angsty mentally ill teenagers, and if you have ever ben an angsty mentally ill teenager, you'd know what it's like. i sure was. take the trigger warnings in the tags seriously, please. i do however want to note that the referenced/implied self harm & suicide attempt stay at this. there is some general discussion of suicidality and the mentions of this, but i tried keeping it to a bare minimum. due to the teen pregnancy tag, there is also the implication of underage sex in this, and generally a few mentions of it here and there because yk man. teens r horny creatures. but it'll be just mentions in the same way you'd have it in the school yard and shit lmfao (the fic has pei ming - what can i do about it, yk)

If you're here from just . the ao3 tab. u CAN read this as a stand alone, if you're into tgcf characters being angsty teens. it's prob a better experience if you've read the main fic, but that can prob also apply vice versa? but aka, this is definitely understandable despite that, so dw. if you're here for mu qing angst, this is ur place.

for now, i'm keeping the rating at T. if anyone at any point thinks that M is more warranted, pls inform me! never too sure about these things. personally i'd place it somewhere in between.

the fic itself will be basically spread into three parts; Mu Qing's PoV story comes first, followed by Hua Cheng's, and then followed by Shi Qingxuan's. they each have their own mini arcs also, but I do want to warn that mu qing's is probably significantly longer than the other two, just because i was more inspired, but i didn't wanna force the others into the same length and make them drag on and on. if i have more ideas when i actively get to these, I'll obv add some stuff! but yeah, it's gonna be a little uneven lmao.

alright! that's! all from me! can't believe this is happening now. this fic def gonna bring the series past the 1 million words. i feel unwell about this.

„Here. This one’s for you. I’ve got so many, and your hair’s all over your face.”

Shi Qingxuan looks at the small object Xie Lian in Xie Lian’s reached out hand, just a tiny, pink hairclip, something she’s walked past in stores so often, unable to buy it.
Truth be told, she doesn’t really understand why – whether she’s a boy or not, which she’s pretty sure she’s not, actually, shouldn’t she just be able to wear a hairclip?

So, when Xie Lian reaches out his hand towards her, with an object she’s been desiring ever since she could think, she doesn’t think about it much more. Instead, she snatches it away from him with a grin, sure the lack of both of her front teeth shows, since they both fell out in the same day yesterday.

“Thank you, Lianlian! Are you sure you don’t need it though?”

“Nah. Mom buys me so many. Next time you come over, I’ll let you choose some more, okay? I’ve also got some ribbons and stuff.”

Shi Qingxuan knows that they understand each other; she can’t quite pinpoint it, not at five years old, but deep down, she knows Xie Lian isn’t much different from her. One day, she will look back on this and know he’s always been a guy just like she’s always been a girl, and she’ll have a bit of a laugh about how they grew up together, both trans.

Right now, though, she can only gasp at him excitedly, nearly dropping her strawberry ice cream about it.

“Really? Are you serious? I’ll gift you some of my, uh… I don’t have a lot of boyish stuff even though I know you like that, sorry, Lianlian.”

“It’s alright,” he laughs, bumping into her shoulder once, then turning towards Hong, seated next to him, on his third ice cream by now, since Shi Qingxuan is sponsoring today.

“Hong, what flavour did you even get this time?” Xie Lian asks, looking down at their best friend, all scrawny and small, but definitely having put on some weight ever since Shi Qingxuan and Xie Lian have picked him up.

“…Lemon,” he says, which does explain the ice cream’s white colour.

“Eww. I hate lemon, it’s way too sour,” Shi Qingxuan says, but Hong’s small, insecure gaze at her reaction immediately gets swept away by Xie Lian suddenly clapping his hands together.

He’d long finished his ice cream, and then got rid of the stickiness on his fingers by walking over to the small fountain opposite of the ice cream place. Now, he reaches into the small bag he’s brought, and retrieves something from it.

In an instant, Shi Qingxuan stuffs the rest of her strawberry ice cream into her mouth, and puts the small hair clip into her hair, because what Xie Lian brought with him is a camera.

“You got to take it along?”

“Hm! I asked my big brother whether he’d get it for me, and he seemed kind of angry about it, but in the end, he did it anyway,” Xie Lian says, “I just thought we could take some pictures, you know, to have them for when we grow up? Mom always talks about that, and you know how obsessed she is with taking pictures, but I don’t think we have one with all three of us on it. I kept watching her and asking her stuff about how to use the camera and all, so I know how to do it!”

Even Hong, quiet as he is, peeks up at the notion of the camera, his cheeks a little red, mouth smeared with multiple colours of ice cream.

Shi Qingxuan thinks having a memory like this in the form of a photo would be great, because she loves both of her friends a lot, and she loves looking at pictures from her family vacations, so she’s sure that, in a few years, she’ll love looking at pictures of them all eating ice cream together, too.

“We can all get it printed out, too,” Xie Lian says, “I’ve got my pocket money this week, and I’m sure that if we go to that store where you can get your photos printed, they’ll help us, right?”

“I can pay,” Shi Qingxuan says, pointing at her own purse, “Ge always says not to spend so much money on you guys, but I don’t really understand it, because we have a lot of it.”

“Hmm, we can share the costs,” Xie Lian says instead, and turns the camera on, “alright, alright, let’s take one with all three of us, and then we can just take some more! We can delete the ones we don’t like, I asked mom about that, too. Of course I didn’t tell her I was going to take it, but…”

“It’s alright, it’s alright, she won’t know! Now come on, come on, let’s take the pictures!” Shi Qingxuan says, leaning over Xie Lian’s shoulder to see more of the camera, and starting to bump her legs a little as Xie Lian sets it up properly, then turns it around so that they can take a photo of themselves.

“Hong, you’ve probably got to come closer,” Xie Lian says, and Hong, who’s just finished his third ice cream, looks at him with big eyes for a second, before stuttering out a little ‘…uh-huh’, and inching a little closer towards Xie Lian.

Clearly, Xie Lian deems that not enough, because he puts an arm around him instead, and pulls him close, into what’s practically a hug.

Shi Qingxuan, too, goes to hug Xie Lian so she can be even closer to him, to make sure the picture won’t go all wonky and wrong.

“Alright, smile!” Xie Lian says, and the three of them smile, ice cream-smeared lips and missing teeth and all.

When the camera goes off, none of them are aware yet that they’re going to cherish this picture forever.

Almost certainly, it will become more than just a memory to all three of them.

Chapter 2: Maths&Cats: 1

Notes:

ok i am back before ao3 goes into maintenance. help. I'll try my best to keep up a 5 day upload schedule btw; at least until I'm caught up with everything I've already written. i've got a lot going on rn writign wise so it mayyyy slow down after a bit but fret not. I've got like 17 chapters so far so . JKHADFJKG i won#t be caught up any time soon lmao JAHFDJGK

this one is still kinda more of a set up chapter than anything else but yk . gotta make do and get the plot to mke sense and stuff.

oh also for the mu qing arc: any and all interphobia and transphobia this man spouts is internalized bs. not to be aligned with MY views. just disclaiming that cuz people get weird af, even if this is stuff that should be obv in my opinion, but kjadfhgjkd

“I… I’ll really miss you, Lianlian, you know that, right? Definitely make sure to write me letters and call me every now and then, okay? I’ll do the same of course.”

Shi Qingxuan is clinging to him like some kind of monkey, and she’s getting snot and tears all over Xie Lian’s pullover. He’ll have to change it when he’s back inside again. He doesn’t blame her, though. If he was more of a crier, he’d also being crying. But just because he isn’t crying right now doesn’t mean he doesn’t also feel horribly sad about the whole thing, that he feels like there isn’t a hollow in his stomach that’s growing bigger and bigger with every second, to the point that he feels he might just die any second now.

It feels unfair, that they’re moving now, but their parents’ company isn’t doing very well right now and they said they’ll have to change locations. Apart from that, it seems like there’s issues with Xie Lian’s brother, so moving is the best decision they could make at this point.

It’s just that Xie Lian has to bear the brunt end of it right now, losing the few friends he has here, and his entire environment.

God knows for how long he’s stupidly begged his parents to stay. He isn’t very liked at school anyway, not as much as Shi Qingxuan, at least. And ever since she started properly living as a girl a year back, a lot of people have distanced themselves from her. It’s no surprise that Xie Lian, who feels like he might not be a girl at all, would feel hesitant to approach the people who reject her so vehemently, then.

He's also begged with his brother, but as always, his brother isn’t particularly nice.

Of course Shi Qingxuan and her big brother also get into arguments, and he’s not very okay with her being a girl right now, but Xie Lian feels like that isn’t at all on the same level as Jun Wu hating him like that. He has no idea what he’s done wrong for Jun Wu to have treated him so poorly ever since he was a child; of course he grew out of tearing his hair and all of that stuff at one point, but he still ignores him these days.

Or, in other words – Xie Lian may not hate his brother, but he’s also not particularly fond of him. He understands that he’s family, but truth be told, Shi Qingxuan feels much more like family to him.

“I will,” he says, pulling her a little closer. “I will, so stop crying, okay?”

“No, I won’t stop crying for like, weeks,” she sobs, “first Hong, and I get that he got adopted, and his new moms seemed so nice, so I’m really happy for him of course, but I miss him so much, and now you…!”

And Xie Lian moving is definitely much more stupid than Hong having to move upon getting adopted; after all, it’s just for something stupid like money. Xie Lian hasn’t ever really understood what’s so important about big houses and big cars – of course they’re nice to have, but he’d much rather just have his friends around.

“I know, but we can actually keep contact, because you have my new address in… legible writing.”

That wrings a small chuckle out of Shi Qingxuan.

“Hm. Hong’s handwriting sucks so much. We’ll have to find him again one day if he doesn’t find us first, okay? You’re going to be so far, too.”

“It’ll be fine,” Xie Lian says, “when we’re older, we can go visit each other, okay? My brother always goes on train trips on his own, so…”

“Not to meet friends,” comes a voice from behind him, and Xie Lian flinches a little when Jun Wu is suddenly behind him. Hell, he hadn’t even heard his footsteps.

“…What for then?” Shi Qingxuan asks in that tone of voice that indicates she’s genuinely curious, but all she gets from Jun Wu is a cold glance.

“None of your business,” he sighs, “Xie Lian, our parents want to leave. Do you have everything packed?”

“…Yes,” Xie Lian answers, knowing there’s no more point in stalling. He lets go of Shi Qingxuan properly, and instead pats her head a little. “It’ll be fine. We’ll see each other again, and you have other friends.”

“But you don’t, where you’re moving to.”

“…I know,” Xie Lian laughs, “I’ll try to make some.”

“They won’t be as good friends to you as Hong and me, though,” Shi Qingxuan answers, reaching up towards her own head to take his hand and squeeze it so hard Xie Lian low-key feels his spirit leaving his body. Damn, the strength in this girl sometimes. But, just this once, he doesn’t complain about it, doesn’t even make a sound.

He knows Shi Qingxuan will be lonely, too. She’s not going to be alone in her loneliness.

Xie Lian will be there with her, four hours by train away.

“Introduce your new friends to me some day, okay?” she says, sniffling, and then letting go off him.

Xie Lian uses the same hand that had just held hers to grab his rucksack from the floor, and fling it back over his shoulder; it’s got mostly food, drink, sickness tablets for the somewhat long drive, and some random trinkets he didn’t want to put into the boxes they got for moving in case anything happened to them. They rattle a little when they move inside of it.

“I will,” he says, putting on the biggest smile he can, even when this really hurts.

“…Okay,” Shi Qingxuan says, swallowing hard around her tears, and then looking him in the eyes properly. “Goodbye, Lianlian. I’ll miss you.”

“…I’ll miss you, too.”

Then, him and Jun Wu set off towards their parents car, just down the street. He looks back over his shoulder while walking, and Shi Qingxuan remains in that same spot, holding her arm, and looking like a lost puppy.

He feels so bad for both her and himself.

Even when they get into the car, she’s still waiting, even waving at him then, Xie Lian unwilling to fasten his seatbelt for the amount of time he can still see her.

Only when they make it around the corner does he lose sight of her, and then, he sits back down, gives a shy glance at his big brother hoping that they can one day get along, and the only thing getting him through this is the knowledge that at his new school, once it starts after the summer holidays, he’s just going to tell everyone he’s a boy.

The sun is scorching on the roof of their car, and even the AC won’t do very much, Xie Lian thinks.

He readies himself for an exhausting drive.

 

*

 

“We really don’t have to move, we can still-“

“Qing-er,” his mother says with a little laugh, loading the last suitcase into his grandmother’s car, since his father took theirs when he left a few months ago. “It’s alright. It’s okay. It’s not that far away, anyway. It’s half an hour by train and even less by car if I ever get one, but it’s enough for no one to know us there, okay? We can visit grandma and grandpa however often we want. I’ve already got a job there, and it’s gonna pay well enough, so don’t worry about it, okay?”

“Still,” he starts again, that indescribable rage bubbling up inside of him again, knowing it’s all his fault “You shouldn’t have had to change workplaces for me.”

He wished he could be angry at his father instead of himself, but at the end of the day, it’s entirely his fault. He might not have wished to be born like this, but he could’ve accepted just living like a girl like his father wanted. He could’ve just gone along with it for longer, until he was an adult.

If he had, his parents would probably not be getting a divorce – at one point in the future, at least, once his father responds to the court’s letters – and they wouldn’t be really poor now, and his mother wouldn’t have had to move with him just so he can have a new start at a new school as someone new.

He should have to bear with this on his own. His mother shouldn’t ever have been involved in any of this.

It’s his fault she cried for so, so many nights after his father left.

It’s his fault she had to spend so much money on the move.

It’s his fault she’s going to be away from her parents and friends, and of course she’s right, thirty minutes isn’t very long, but that doesn’t mean she’s not going to lose contact to some of them.

It’s his fault she had to talk to a new school, explain his situation, run around and make sure they’d address him the correct way, even though it’s already the middle of the school year, summer long done and over with.

Yesterday, there was already snow.

“Qing-er,” she whispers, more an exhale than anything else, “I mean it when I say that you’re worth more than all of this stuff. You’re my son. Who would I do all of this for if not for my own son, hm? It’s fine. It’s still close. I’d much rather you feel comfortable in a new place, than become all sad here.”

Yeah.

He tried being a guy at school, but everyone knows him.

It’d be better if they just didn’t know.

He knows he can get the correct hormones he needs when he’s just a little bit older, and that by then, it’s his decision anyways. At least after some tests. Then, no one will know at all.

Even like this, though, he doesn’t look very feminine, he thinks. Maybe more than other guys. But he thinks he looks more like a guy than girls usually do, too, so he’ll take what he can get.

At least he will get to start over again.

It just sucks that it comes at the cost of his parents breaking up, and them having to move, and he feels so, so unbearably guilty for it.

“Qing-er, I’m serious about this stuff, and I’m not lying either, okay? I love you. I’d do anything for you. Moving from one town to another really isn’t that big of a deal as long as I can see you grow up happy. I’m sure you’ll find a lot of friends! I think one of my colleague’s has a son your age, just at a different school, but we could try…”

“I’ll find friends at school,” he croaks out, because at the very least, he won’t bother his mother with that kind of stuff. He doesn’t need her to find him friends. The least he can do is burden her with one thing less. Even if he’s very unsure whether he’s actually going to find friends there, given how he is… personality-wise. People usually don’t like him very much. He isn’t sure that’ll be different in a new place.

“That’s the spirit!” she says, brushing her hand through his hair, then closing the trunk of the car. “Now we’ll have granny and grandpa drive us over there, and start anew, okay?”

“…I’m sorry,” he mutters, and that’s what makes his mom pull him into a hug in the end.

“Please, Qing-er, I don’t want to hear it anymore. You’re not at fault that he left. If he hadn’t, I would have made him. I don’t want to be with someone who can’t accept his own child the way he is. Okay?”

“…Okay,” Mu Qing says, sniffing against her, not daring to hug her back right now – it’s hard enough to hold back his tears right now anyway.

He’s not sure how ‘okay’ it actually is, if he’s honest. For him, right now, not very. Maybe it’ll be okay one day. He knows his mother wouldn’t lie to him, but he still feels bad about it all. Hopefully, he can believe her one day.

“Let’s get in the car,” she says, taking him by the hand, making him feel so much younger than he really is, given he’s already twelve years old, and dragging him along. “It’ll be fine. I’m sure you’ll fine people who love you just as much as I do there.”

Luckily, she turns around for just long enough so Mu Qing can swallow his tears back down and scoop up the single one that leaves his eyes.

He’s not entirely sure he could ever find someone who loves him as much as his mom does.

When he eventually sits down in the car, snowflakes start falling again, and both his mom and grandparents get into such a good mood about it that he feels just a little lighter, too.

Chapter 3: Maths&Cats: 2

Notes:

icl omg. i nearly forgot to upload this entirely. I'm not yet used to a 5 days upload cycle HELP ME .

the teacher is relevant. keep him in mind. (just like in the non-prequel, some ocs ARE needed simply because tgcf doesn't have enough characters, or enough characters that make sense to use/that I'd want to use. looks at Jing Wen. always forget this dude even EXISTS icl man.)

i'm also not gonna lie, the fact i nearly forgot to upload this means this is hastily proof-read becuse i need to go to sleep like. right now. lmao. but!!!! sorry if there's more typos than usual. i did my best to skim through it as fast and thoroughly as i could ajhdfjk

“This is your new classmate, Mu Qing,” the teacher says, and Mu Qing clutches the strap of his backpack the hardest he can. His hand is hovering somewhere behind his back, not quite touching him, but it’s there almost as if in support. He likely doesn’t know about everything, Mu Qing thinks. His mother and him had made it very clear that they didn’t want the principal to tell any other teachers, and to just treat him like he’s a normal boy.

Mu Qing will always be acutely aware that he isn’t. No boy would look like he does. But maybe, if he says it often enough, it’ll at least become true to people who don’t know.

Some people in the class greet him, and Mu Qing very methodically scans the entire room. He’ll have to find out where he’s going to sit, after all. A lot of your school life really depends on where you sit, and whether your desk mates are nice or not. At his previous school, they weren’t – then again, no one there was particularly nice to him, especially not when none of them could understand why he was suddenly acting like a boy.

The thing they didn’t know, though, is that he was also just acting like a girl.

Mu Qing wished he could just be either. At this point, it wouldn’t matter, as long as he was one of the two, and not some strange in between thing.

Then, his father would have stayed.

They wouldn’t have had to move.

He wouldn’t have to try and calm his heartbeat because he’s scared that he won’t find friends here again, and that they’ll have to move again or whatever.

At any rate, he can’t have that happen. If he hates this school, this time, he’ll simply bear it.

He won’t cause his mother even more trouble than he already has.

“Do you want to introduce yourself?” the teacher behind him asks, his voice all soft and kind, and so, Mu Qing does.

“…I’m Mu Qing. It’s nice to meet you… my mom and me just moved here.”

Mu Qing has never been very good at niceties, so the fact he managed to push these words past his lips is probably good enough for now, and no one seems particularly disturbed by how weird they leave him, so that’s alright.

“Alright! There’s some spots you can sit in, if you have a look around, and it’s up to you. There’s some free space next to Feng Xin and Xie Lian over there, and two more free chairs at the back, with Yang Min, so it’s up to you, really.”

That Feng Xin guy and that Xie Lian guy are boys at least, so surely it’d be better if he sat with the two of them, right? Sitting with boys would probably make him look much more like a boy, especially if he gets the choice.

So, he gives a very short nod at the two of them, the spot next to the window being the free one. That’s okay. Mu Qing doesn’t mind sitting at the window, because that’ll at least mean he can look out of it if he gets too bored in class. It also means that if one of these two guys starts bothering him, he’ll get to half-ignore them.
Yeah.

The window seat is just fine.

“Those two? Alright, great! Xie Lian’s only transferred here at the beginning of the term, too, and Feng Xin’s very good friends with all the boys, so he’s also very approachable! I’m sure you’ll all make great friends. Xie Lian, can you make space for him?”

“Ah!” the boy says, flinching a little, and immediately starting to gather up his things that are strewn over the entire table.

Then, he sits down in the window seat, and both Feng Xin and Mu Qing are left staring at him for a while.

“Ah…!” he starts again, “this way, Mu Qing won’t be as alone! Or at least I thought so, but I can sit back down there if you want…”

“It’s alright,” the teacher laughs, “it’s a good idea. Alright, Mu Qing, you can go sit over there, alright?”

Somehow, when Mu Qing looks at the two of them, he feels like life here might not be so horrible. Xie Lian looks very kind, and he wants to make sure he doesn’t feel alone. He grabs his leather pencil case, putting it on the windowsill next to him, the maths book and notebook he’d already taken out, too. Even the Feng Xin guy makes a tiny bit of space, having had his huge water bottle on Xie Lian’s side of the table before.

(Actually, that water bottle is a little too huge. Mu Qing isn’t sure he likes it much that he’ll have some guy next to him whose drinking sounds he’s going to have in his ear literally constantly.)

So, everything Mu Qing can do is take off his backpack and walk over to the two of them, to sit down in the chair.

It’s still warm from Xie Lian, so it’s a little weird, but it also reminds him of the fact that the first thing Xie Lian did was a kind gesture.

In the front, the teacher starts unpacking his own stuff, so Mu Qing gets the time to do that, grabbing his own pencil case (plain black) and his own water bottle (also plain black, not see-through either), and also seemingly the time for the two of them to introduce themselves to him.

“I’m Xie Lian!” Xie Lian says, stretching his hand out, so Mu Qing takes it, a little confused by just how nice this guy really seems, “like Mister Wang said, I’ve only transferred recently, too, so I still know what it’s like! Don’t worry, though, everyone’s really nice! I’ll show you around during the break and everything! I can introduce you to the others, too! It’s nice to meet you!”

“…I’m Mu Qing,” Mu Qing replies, “it’s nice to meet you, too. You don’t… have to show me around though, if you don’t want to.”

“Tch.”

Now that makes Mu Qing turn around to the Feng Xin guy, who, on second glance is really tanned. Mu Qing hadn’t realized just how tanned he really is, and he also hadn’t realized how tall he is – and that’s while sitting. He has dark brown hair, falling into his face, on the shorter side, but not quite. Some bangs even reach towards his eyes. His nose is kind of big. He doesn’t look particularly nice, actually, not as much as Xie Lian at least.

“If he offers, just take him up on it, won’t you?”

“Feng Xin, be nice, he’s also just being nice!” Xie Lian hisses at him, leaning over Mu Qing just a tiny bit.

“I’m just saying!” Feng Xin counters, than sighing a little and also reaching out his hand towards him, although a little more hesitantly than Xie Lian did before him. “My name is Feng Xin. It’s nice to meet you. I’ve lived here all my life, and I’ve already shown Xie Lian around, so I can show you around, too.”

“Oh, yeah, we should totally do that!” Xie Lian says, clapping his hands once, all excitedly. “We’ll show you around! We can talk later about when we’re all free!”

“Alright,” the teacher’s voice rings out from the front now, and if Mu Qing isn’t wrong, his name is Mister Wang, “you can all get to know each other properly later. We do have a class schedule to keep up with, and we’re already slightly behind. Mu Qing, you can look into the homework together with Xie Lian, since I’m assuming he’s done it.”

Xie Lian gives a small thumbs up, and opens his notebook and maths book, sliding both of these items over to Mu Qing a little.

“Great, thank you, Xie Lian. We’ll start by comparing the homework then. Who wants to get started on the first question? Feng Xin?”

“I didn’t do the homework.”

“…And why not?”

“I forgot to do it, and then I remembered, and then I thought I’ll go shower first, and then I forgot about it again.”

“…See me after class. Xie Lian, then?”

“Yes, can do!” Xie Lian answers.

Then, the maths lesson goes ahead like any other class would, at any school at all, and it makes Mu Qing, seated between two strangers in a strange town, feel a tiny bit more like this could really be his home.

 

*

 

Maths class is a double, so once that’s over, their break starts.

During group work, Xie Lian was vey cooperative, while Feng Xin worked with the other guy seated next to him – his neighbour, apparently, from what he’s caught onto from Xie Lian. Xie Lian also seems to be really good at maths, his homework was completely correct, and him and Mu Qing were the first to be done earlier. At least he knows now that Xie Lian surely wouldn’t judge him for being good at school like some of the kids back in his hometown did.

In fact, Xie Lian is really nice. He’s been nothing but nice so far, from time to time whispering to Mu Qing all the places he was going to show him during break and after school, so overall, he just feels… safe, somehow. He hadn’t realized just how unsafe he had felt at his previous school up until now. Not that Xie Lian knows, obviously. Mu Qing isn’t going to tell anyone how he was born this time, not after his last experience.

His only problem will be changing for PE, and he might be able to pass it off as being insecure about his looks and change in the bathroom instead, or say he’s got some kind of scar or whatever – though, for now, it’s probably fine to change in there anyways. It’s not like he can’t turn around so they can only see his back, and it’s not like he has much of that stuff, so he guesses that as long as they don’t see the lack of something else, it’d be fine.

He'll make do, somehow.

“That’s it for today, then. Like I said, Feng Xin, please come to the front for just a second. Mu Qing, you too, please.”

“…Yes,” Mu Qing says, grabbing just his lunch and water, following Feng Xin, and being followed by Xie Lian on their way to the front desk.

“Feng Xin, just a short reminder that I will have to reach out to your parents after you’ve missed your homework a few times.”

“Eh, they know,” Feng Xin says with a little shrug, and Mu Qing sincerely can’t help but think that he must be kind of stupid. Not for forgetting his homework, but for admitting his parents don’t care about how he does at school. Surely the teachers would care about it, too?

“…What do you mean, they know?” he asks, also a bit confusedly, and Feng Xin looks at him for a bit like he really doesn’t care.

“I’ve gotten an ADHD diagnosis last week, they said that’s why I’m forgetting a lot. My parents are looking for a therapist right now to help me get my work done. Sorry about that, though. I’ll put a few alarms into my phone for the next homework.”

Clearly at a loss, Mister Wang just stares at him for a few second, and so does Mu Qing. Xie Lian seems to know about it, but okay. This makes a lot of sense for this guy, Mu Qing thinks. Not that he knows a lot about ADHD, but a kid in his class had it, so he knows a little. She’d also often forgotten her homework, if he’s not wrong.

“…I see. That’s okay then, I’ll wait till we get the notion for it then. If you need any other help, let me know, alright?”

The teacher is actually just nice, Mu Qing thinks. He’s a really nice guy, and he quite likes him. He’s very happy that the first teacher he meets in this school is so… nice.

“Yeah, sure,” Feng Xin says, but he’s already grabbing his sandwich and taking a way too large bite off it.

Mu Qing scowls a little at him at how disgusting it looks, to which Feng Xin gives a confused little sound that resembles exactly no vowel or consonant in the whole world because there’s sauce dripping down his chin already.

He’s gross, actually. Feng Xin is fucking gross, Mu Qing has to realize, and an idiot at that, not because of his ADHD, but because he took way too large a bite. Not a symptom of ADHD, Mu Qing is pretty sure. He doesn’t need to know a lot about it to know at least that much.

“And you, Mu Qing. You were able to keep up, right?”

“Hm? Yes. I’ve already done this tuff at my old school.”

“That’s great!” Mister Wang says with a genuine smile, “if you’ve ever got any problems, feel free to come to me. I’m technically your homeroom teacher too, because your actual homeroom teacher is on leave for pregnancy at the moment. So if anything comes up with classes or classmates or teachers, let me know.”

“…Okay,” Mu Qing says, and he really has to give it to this guy – he’s good at his job.

Honestly, it’s people like him that sometimes make Mu Qing play with the thought of becoming a teacher when he’s grown up. Of course he doesn’t know whether he can even go to university, given how little money they have, but he might be able to get a scholarship and stuff, although he doesn’t really know how they work. His mom said those exist, though, so maybe he can get one.

“Great! That’s all then. Have fun having those two show you around a little, okay? Make sure to show him where to get food and drink, too.”

“Of course!” Xie Lian says, making the military hand motion, holding his flat hand up towards his forehead, and then causally taking Mu Qing by the arm to go pull him along.

Feng Xin, his face stuffed full of that stupid sandwich, follows them.

It’s quite fun, though, walking around with the two of them. Xie Lian lets go of him at one point, eating his own food, showing him all the vending machines scattered across the pretty large school, and all the bathrooms. Mu Qing hopes that no one will catch on to him using only the toilet stalls where he can sit down.

“This is the proper cafeteria where you can go on long days. Though, if you have any other way of getting food… get it another way, it’s not very good. Not as bad as my mom’s, I guess, but…” Xie Lian says with a small laugh, and then already points at the next thing. “That over there is the gym. Obviously we’ll all have PE together, so it’s not really a problem, you’ll find it. You can only really see the roof from here, it’s across the street.”

“I see,” Mu Qing says, “we have PE in two days, right?”

“Yup!”

“Yeah, we’re going to play football,” Feng Xin says, “last week, I got paired up with a bunch of girls who’ve never played, so we lost, and everyone’s been laughing at me ever since.”

“Feng Xin, I’ve already told you not to speak so poorly of girls,” Xie Lian starts, but Feng Xin just gives a roll of his eyes.

“Who cares whether they’re girls or boys? All that matters is that they all fucking sucked at football.”

“Language,” Xie Lian says, but Feng Xin gives a short shrug, clearly not caring a single bit.

…Yeah, Xie Lian is very nice, but Feng Xin?

Mu Qing has no idea how to feel about him at all. He’s not bad, he guesses. A lot of boys say mean things about girls, and Mu Qing knows from the girl groups at his old school, and from the girls’ changing room, that they say mean things about boys, too.

Both of them say even worse stuff about people who are neither, though.

Feng Xin might be just like them.

But on the other hand, he didn’t bat an eye at Mu Qing being good at maths either. He hasn’t yet made any stupid comments on his slightly more feminine looks despite having interacted with him for a full two hours. Xie Lian is friends with him, so there must be something to it.

And, hey, at least he’s kind of good looking, Mu Qing supposes. Not that such a thing would matter to him. Frankly, he’s well-aware of the fact he’s twelve years old. Romance is not for him. Especially not with a crude sandwich idiot like Feng Xin, but point stands. He’s probably the type that the girls are after, so if he stays within his vicinity, he’s probably going to get less attention in the grand picture of things.

“Either way,” Xie Lian sighs, “don’t mind him, he’s made hating girls half his personality. That’s pretty much all. Wanna sit down somewhere to eat? It’s kinda cold outside, but the inside always gets really crowded, so…”

“I’d prefer outside,” Mu Qing says, which Xie Lian beams at.

He’s made the right choice, then.

“Alright! I know just the place. Feng Xin, you coming with us?”

For a bit, Feng Xin looks kind of torn, like he’s not entirely sure, but then gives a nod.

“Sure. I’ll spend next break with the other guys then. Hey, Mu Qing, why’s your lunch box look like this?”

“Eh?” Mu Qing asks, a bit confused, staring down at his lunch box, and then immediately realizing what Feng Xin means.

It’s a classic and proper lunch box, with layers to it and all, thus also wrapped in cloth. Yellow cloth, to be exact, with little black cats and little brown dogs on it.

In an instant, Mu Qing feels his cheeks heat up until he’s certain he must look like a tomato.

“You…! No reason, just…!”

“I think the cloth is super cute!” Xie Lian exclaims though, saving him, “alright, alright, let’s get going, okay?”

Neither Mu Qing nor Feng Xin get another word in as Xie Lian starts dragging both of them to behind the building, where there’s a garden of some kind, although empty right now with how late in the year it already is. No one else is here at all, apart from two girls that must be younger than them sitting in the grass a few feet away, looking at their phones, which must be against the rules.

That’s probably why they’re here, then.

“It’s very quiet here,” Xie Lian says, pointing at a bench behind the garden. “We can sit down there. Mu Qing, are you okay? You look kind of mad?”

“He’s looked that way ever since I mentioned his lunch box,” Feng Xin points out, and somehow, this guy really ticks him off. Mu Qing doesn’t know what it is, but something about Feng Xin makes him awfully mad, and so, he spins around to him, his voice a little louder than need be.

“What’s wrong with it? Can I not have cats and dogs on my lunch box?”

“Wrong? Huh? Where’d you get that from?”

“Well, you were clearly insulting it earlier!”

“Huh? What the hell? Dude, I asked why it looks like this. I’ve never seen one wrapped in cloth before is all, calm down.”

…Oh. What? That was all? No, he has got to be lying.

“Don’t act like you don’t know,” Mu Qing hisses, but he thinks that Feng Xin looks genuinely confused right now, actually. Makes him kind of ugly.

“What do I know, what? I literally just asked why it looks like this. I’ve never seen it. Why would I care what’s on the cloth? It’s cute, if anything. Reminds me of the dog I had when I was a little kid.”

“Mu Qing, hey, calm down, he really didn’t mean any harm, you must’ve just drawn the wrong conclusion,” Xie Lian starts, and Mu Qing is starting to see that oh, yeah, he actually must have. This is on him. However, despite how much he hates himself, he also has an absolutely unnecessary amount of pride regardless, and so, Mu Qing just gives a small ‘tch’ in response instead.

Clearly, Feng Xin seems to pick a bone with that, because he clicks his tongue and gives Mu Qing a small grin.

“Annoyed I’ve called something about you cute?”

“That is so not the problem!” Mu Qing snaps again, but Xie Lian has already taken him by his arm again, which somehow does enough to calm Mu Qing back down again. He doesn’t want Xie Lian to think poorly of him, he remembers distinctively, because he’s kind and nice to him, so he doesn’t want to betray him.

“Alright, let’s all calm down, let’s just eat! Feng Xin mostly gets sandwiches ‘cause his parents work a lot, and so do mine, but my brother sometimes… well, lately, anyway, he’s getting a bit into cooking, so he’s preparing me some lunch sometimes, but… he isn’t always that nice. Sometimes I gotta buy stuff at school. Did your mom or dad make this, Mu Qing?”

Mu Qing sits down before the other two does, at one end of the bench pulling the cloth off his lunch box, and lifting the lid.

It’s filled with rice, octopus sausages, some fried vegetable, and he’s pretty sure the lower layer is going to have apples and mango, or apples and banana. She alternates, depending on what’s on sale.

“Oh, that looks so good!” Xie Lian says.

“Yeah, dude, whether it’s your mom or dad, respect, that’s great.”

“…It’s my mom,” Mu Qing mumbles, hating how weirdly pliant he gets as soon as his mom is being praised, “she makes it before work. She takes the other half, so… we both get some. It’s cheaper than buying ready-made stuff, so…”

“Ah, I see!” Xie Lian says, still standing, Feng Xin being the first one to sit down. Right next to Mu Qing, for some reason. “What does she do for work?”

“…In an office. She was a nurse when she was younger, but she got some health issues, so she changed it to a job that wasn’t as exhausting.”

“And your dad?”

Finally, after his father has been mentioned three separate times, Mu Qing finally grits his teeth and looks away a little, but grabbing the pair of chopsticks anyways because he’s hungry, and their break isn’t that much longer anymore.

“…Doesn’t live with us anymore,” he says, “haven’t seen him since he’s moved out, so I’ve got no clue what he’s working as now.”

“Ah, an asshole then,” Feng Xin concludes, and Mu Qing isn’t entirely sure he’d call him that, given it’s his fault his parents broke up, and of course it’s a super rude thing to say, but somehow…

Somehow, it feels weirdly good to hear. Like his hurt matters a bit, too. Like it matters that his father left, not just because he left his mom, but because he left him, too.

“…What Feng Xin means to say,” Xie Lian says with a sharp glare at his friend, “is that we’re sorry for prying, and you don’t have to tell if you don’t have to. We moved here ‘cause my parents’ company wasn’t going as well. They argue a lot, but you know… my brother’s weirder. So if we’re talking about weird families, my brother’s part of them. He’s doing community service at an animal shelter right now.”

“Community… as in, he’s committed some kind of crime?” Mu Qing asks, having to admit that Xie Lian is really good at changing the conversation topic, and very observant when it comes to people not wanting to talk about something.

Mu Qing appreciates it.

“Hm! He sold something he shouldn’t have. Mom and Dad didn’t really explain it, but sounds like it was illegal. There seems to have been something else, but they didn’t wanna tell me that either, but now he’s got community service, so he’s working at an animal shelter, because he said he’d rather die than eork with old people, so there’s that!”

“…Your brother scares me,” Feng Xin laughs, “ah, Mu Qing, mind you, I’ve only seen him once when I went over to Xie Lian’s for him to explain literature to me, he doesn’t look that scary, actually, just kind of like a lanky teenager? How old’s he again?”

“Uh, eighteen. So now he’s gotta actually account for his crimes. Ah, let me sit next to you, Mu Qing, I wanna be able to talk to you! Scoot aside, you two.”

Feng Xin immediately complies, so Mu Qing figures that the best thing he can do is also comply, scooting over, until Xie Lian sits down next to him. When he does, something tumbles out of his pocket.

Mu Qing makes sure his food won’t fall out, and then leans down to pick it up, since it landed between his feet.

It’s a small button pin, so he takes care so that he doesn’t accidentally prick himself. However, when he turns it over, his heart stops.

At first glance, it’s just stripes, nothing conspicuous about that at all, but they’re blue, pink, and white, the white in the middle, framed first by pink, then by blue. He knows that colour combination, because his mom has explained some stuff about hormones to him, and trans people came up, and Mu Qing saw the flag at one point.

He looks at Xie Lian, still holding the pin, and the look on Xie Lian’s face is one he knows all too well.

It’s fear that he’s going to be rejected.

“Ah- that’s just,” he says all hastily, “just, uh- for my cousin, uhm… I thought… well, my brother got it, but I’m seeing my cousin today, so…”

“Hm,” Mu Qing makes, because if that’s the story Xie Lian wants to go with, he’ll go with it. It’s not up to him to force anything out of him.

“It’s nice colours,” Feng Xin comments, clearly entirely oblivious as to what these colours represent, “I’m sure your cousin will like it.”

“Hahah- yeah, uh, I’m sure he will, uhm… yeah, I’m sure,” Xie Lian says, quickly snatching he pin from Mu Qing, who’s still holding it in his hand, looking at Xie Lian for a bit longer, not really saying anything.

It’s not for his cousin.

Anyone could see that.

Xie Lian is a shitty liar.

It’s for himself. Maybe his brother did get it, but it’s most likely Xie Lian’s. He must’ve forgotten to take it out of his pocket or whatever.

It’s definitely his.

He might not be like Mu Qing, of course, who doesn’t even fit in there, but Mu Qing feels-

He feels like Xie Lian would understand, if he were ever to talk to him about any of it, like he wouldn’t mind and not have a single care in the world about it. It makes so much sense, with how safe he feels with him, so, in the end, all he does is try to give Xie Lian a smile.

Which is rare for him, because he doesn’t exactly smile a lot.

Mu Qing doesn’t have many reasons to smile.

But finding someone who’s at least a little similar to him, can understand him at least a little bit, gives him a strange feeling of safety and kinship he hadn’t even know he’d been craving for all of his life – that’s a good enough reason, even for him.

“Hm. I’m also sure your cousin will like it.”

When relief floods Xie Lian’s face, and he gives a small, wobbly smile back at him, Mu Qing gets the feeling that maybe moving wasn’t the wrong thing to do after all.

That maybe he won’t be properly happy, but that he can maybe make friends this time, at least.

Chapter 4: Maths&Cats: 3

Notes:

hi!!! i am back. technically if i follow the 5 day rythm, the next chapter is gonna be a saturday; that's when I'm at a con though, including sunday (I??? was invited to hold an academic presentation instead of my prof cuz she doesnt have time? cuz i took a class on chn literature and wrote a term paper on teh 100 swords scene in tgcf and the con wanted a pres on danmei so now I WILL JUST DO THAT??? it's crazy to me). i'll try my hardest to upload it on saturday anyway! but apologies if i don't manage; latest the monday after (so in a week) I'll get it up. i'm sure i'll find some time though ajfhgajdg kad

“…This is my mom,” Mu Qing says, pointing at her, walking around the corner. She must have just gotten off work and walked home, since they got a flat quite close to her new workplace at least. Next to him, Feng Xin and Xie Lian both crane their necks a little to get a look at her.

“Woah,” Feng Xin says, “yeah, that’s your mom. You look so alike. I mean, of course you’re not a woman, but you get me.”

Weirdly reaffirming of a comment, for the fact Feng Xin has not a single clue about him, and probably also not about Xie Lian.

He’s right though. Him and his mom look very alike.

It’s then that his mother spots him, waving at him, her face immediately beaming once she sees he isn’t alone.

“I’ll just… go drop of my stuff, you can wait here if you want…”

“No, bring them in! They’re so welcome!” Mu Qing’s mother says, already in front of them, basically having walked towards the three of them with a near-inhumane speed, “you can come in if you want! There’s still some boxes from moving, so don’t mind those by the way… we’ve got tea though, and I made cookies yesterday! There’s still a lot of leftovers that you can eat together if you want!”

“…Mom,” Mu Qing tries to say in a desperate attempt to stop her, but of course that barely works. His mother is too excited over him having friends.

“Ah, right, right, you can of course do what you want,” she says in the end, catching Mu Qing’s glance, but still smiling at Xie Lian and Feng Xin. She’s so much better with people than Mu Qing. He must’ve gotten that from his father.

He wished he hadn’t gotten anything from his father.

“I’ll have some cookies!” Xie Lian says, reaching out her hand towards him already, “ah, my name’s Xie Lian, by the way! I only moved here rather recently, too. That’s Feng Xin. He practically adopted me when I came to the new school, and Mu Qing sits between us now, so I figured we could show him around town a little?”

“…I’ve been here a few times,” Mu Qing mumbles in the end, because he feels bad acting like he doesn’t know the town at least a little, “I didn’t move from too far away, so…”

“Eh, you’ll be happy if we show you the best vending machines,” Feng Xin comments, “just in case your mother ever doesn’t have the time to make you that kinda lunch, you’ll have to know where to get the best sandwiches.”

“…The one that you had and ate all disgustingly? Have you never learned to eat it without getting sauce literally all over you?” Mu Qing asks, because the image of that stupid drop of sauce rolling down Feng Xin’s chin hasn’t yet left his mind, and again – something about the guy just ticks him off. Usually, Mu Qing tries his hardest not to be all too mean, but Feng Xin didn’t take it to heart the last time, so he probably won’t now, either.

In other words… in a strange way, Mu Qing feels safe enough with him to be mean. Which is weird, because they’ve literally only met today, but whatever. He’ll take it.

“I wasn’t eating it disgustingly! I was just hungry! Your mom’s way too nice for you to be such a-“

“Feng Xin,” Xie Lian says with a small but threatening smile on his face, even kicking his legs once, “be careful about wording. You get very crude sometimes. Don’t mind him, please, he doesn’t mean it."

“For you to be such a… stuck-up… sandwich-hater,” Feng Xin says eventually, which is clearly not the word he was going to use originally. Given how many curse words Feng Xin knows, and given how Mu Qing knows that after half a day spent with him, he’s going to be assuming that internally, Feng Xin is probably calling him an asshole, or a bitch or whatever – Mu Qing does know those words, but he’d never dare use them.

Meanwhile, his mother blinks at them a little, and then gives a small laugh.

“Well, I’m glad you three get along so well. So, you’ll all come in for cookies? You can also leave your bags here, if you want…”

“Ah, no,” Feng Xin says, suddenly back to being all polite towards Mu Qing’s mom, “my house is like, two streets from here, so we can walk by, and I’ll drop my stuff off there. Xie Lian lives close too. That way, we can show him where we live, too.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s a great idea!” Mu Qing’s mother says, grabs her keys, and opens the door for them.

All three of them walk in and Mu Qing leads them upstairs towards their flat. He supposes that Feng Xin and Xie Lian aren’t used to apartment buildings or whatever, since they seem to be quite wealthy, At least they don’t say anything weird about it.

“Here are the cookies,” Mu Qing’s mother says once she placed the cookies down on the table. In the end, they did decline the tea, though, since that’d take a while both to make and drink, and Mu Qing, no matter what he says, is quite eager to be shown around a little. On the other side, he also doesn’t want to hold the two of them up that much, since they do have homework and all.

Feng Xin – of course, because who else – is the first to take a cookie and unceremoniously stuff it into his mouth. The whole thing. They’re too big for that, so his cheeks end up all stuffed.

“…You’re actually disgusting,” Mu Qing sighs.

“And you,” Feng Xin says, “are annoying as hell. But your mom makes great cookies, so I’ll be your friend anyway.”

“Many thanks,” Mu Qing says, sarcasm just dripping from his voice, which his mother once more chuckles at. Feng Xin, on the other hand, doesn’t even seem to catch onto it. He might be kind of stupid, Mu Qing thinks. He shouldn’t really be surprised, he guesses, given this is the same guy who keeps stuffing his mouth until he can barely even chew anymore.

“Get along, you two,” Xie Lian sighs, also taking a cookie, and taking a normal-sized bite. “Hm, these are actually really good! My mom’d never manage.”

“Aww, don’t be mean about your mom,” Mu Qing’s mom laughs, “obviously I’m very glad you like them, though.”

“Oh, no, you don’t get it,” Xie Lian says, taking another bite already, “my mom is like, bad bad at cooking and baking. I’m not much better. My brother cooks, or the housemaid we have, but I know we’re just really rich, so that probably sounds really weird to you.”

“…Well, if I ever need a new job, I know where to go,” Mu Qing’s mother sighs, but Mu Qing can see in her face that she really likes Xie Lian. Sadly, he can also see that she really likes Feng Xin, which is a problem, because Mu Qing doesn’t.

“How was your first day at school anyway, Qing-er?”

The nickname is a little embarrassing in front of his new friends, but he supposes they’re probably called similar things by their respective parents, so it’s not that big of a deal. It makes his cheeks feel a little hot anyway, but since it’s his mom, this is alright.

“It was nice. The school is nice. I’m not sure how to feel about the English teacher, but I quite like our maths teacher. Ah, he’s also our homeroom teacher, since the actual one is on pregnancy leave or something. The classes were nothing I didn’t already know, my old school must’ve been a bit ahead.”

“That’s a relief to hear,” his mother says, “what’s you guys’ favourite subject?”

“Literature,” Xie Lian answers immediately, “though I kind of like everything anyway.”

“In other words, Xie Lian has gotten full points on every single test ever since he’s moved here,” Feng Xin says, “he’s a monster. I fucking suck at school. Only thing I can do is sports, I guess. I’m alright at biology and that stuff. Mu Qing’s scarily good at maths, by the way, what the fuck do you feed this guy?”

For a while, Mu Qing’s mother looks a tiny bit confused at the swear words leaving this twelve-year-old’s mouth, but apparently decides not to comment. Probably for the better, Mu Qing thinks. It doesn’t exactly seem like Feng Xin is ever going to not use swear words again. Seems like it’s been trained into his personality at this point.

“…Ah, he’s just always been good at that,” she says instead, “I keep saying he’d make a great teacher. If you’ve ever got any trouble, let Mu Qing teach you.”

“Already got Xie Lian for this. But thanks for the offer, I’m sure Mu Qing would hate that. I seem to really get on his nerves for some reason.”

“I would. And you do.”

 

*

 

Once they’ve eaten some more cookies and Mu Qing changed into his trainers instead of the more proper-looking shoes he uses for school, they set out again.

At first, they stop by Feng Xin’s house to drop off his things. It’s ridiculously big. Mu Qing kind of can’t believe that rich people actually exist and aren’t like, a myth. Of course he had wealthier kids in his class, but it’s nothing against this. He gets introduced to Feng Xin’s twelve-year-old dog Basketball – Mu Qing has decided to not question that name – and promptly gets his face licked by him.

Damned active for such an old dog. Mu Qing doesn’t hate dogs, but he’s also really not a dog person, so after that, Feng Xin at least shows him to the bathroom so he can wash his face with something that isn’t dog spit. He gets a tour of the house, sort of. Feng Xin’s parents aren’t home, because they both seem to work a lot.

Makes sense, given how big this house is.

Feng Xin then gets Basketball (Mu Qing genuinely hates the poor dog’s name so much) on a leash to take him outside with him. It’s quite the small dog, so Mu Qing supposes he can pick it up if walking gets too much, given its age and all.

After that, the same thing repeats at Xie Lian’s house, except, well – Xie Lian has a cat.

It’s over for Mu Qing as soon as he sees the sleek yet appropriately fluffy white cat trod towards him and look at him with big eyes for a little while. She presses up against her leg almost immediately, and for Mu Qing, all shame flies out of the window right then and there.

He leans down towards her, cooing and stroking her, feeling like he’s been blessed by the Gods, his voice a few pitches higher than it already is usually, but he doesn’t even care.

“That’s Ruoye,” Xie Lian says, clearly hiding a laugh, “it’s good she likes you. You passed. She hates my brother, for some reason, even though he’s generally quite good with animals. Pet her all you want, she loves attention. You can pick her up, too, if you want. She doesn’t let everyone do it, but you can try!”

Mu Qing is so up for the challenge, immediately leaning down to scoop Ruoye up in his arms.

She lets him, casually hanging out in his arms, and lets herself be carried the entire way while they check out Xie Lian’s house.

Mid-way through, they run into his mom, who he gets introduced to, but who’s still working from home on her computer.

On their way out – while Mu Qing is grappling with the fact that he’ll have to say goodbye to the cat literally any minute now – they run into someone.

It’s then that Ruoye jumps out of his arms, and instead hisses at the man standing there, a rucksack thrown over his shoulder, staring at the three of them.

“Good afternoon,” he says, “you got a new friend?”

“Ah-“ Xie Lian makes, “that’s Mu Qing- wait, who’s that?”

Only then does Mu Qing realize that someone is standing behind who he assumes has got to be Xie Lian’s big brother. The crime one. Mu Qing can tell that’s Xie Lian’s big brother because he literally looks just like him but in older, and more scrawny, somehow. Xie Lian isn’t nearly as skinny. The guy next to him looks a little older, somehow, but Mu Qing guesses that he’s probably the same age as Xie Lian’s brother. His hair is black, and long, and he’s wearing a purple button-up and grey skinny jeans, which do suit him really well.

“Mei Nianqing,” Jun Wu says, "my… classmate. We got a history assignment together.”

“Hm. Nice to meet you. You’re Xie Lian, I’m assuming?” Mei Nianqing asks, reaching out his hand for Xie Lian, who takes it with a large grin on his face. A proud grin. Like Mu Qing’s mother, like Xie Lian is proud of his brother making friends or whatever.

“Yes. Assignment about what? Mu Qing’s just moved here, by the way. He’s very nice. But, yes, ahem, assignment about what? I like history a lot.”

As Feng Xin has previously said – Xie Lian likes literally every subject, so that doesn’t really come as a surprise to Mu Qing.

“The Kingdom of Wuyong,” Mei Nianqing explains, and Xie Lian’s brother’s expression twists for a bit at the mention of that, like he really hates the topic, “it’s very interesting, but there’s not that much information, so we thought doing research together might be better and faster.”

“Ah, yeah, I know some about it!” Xie Lian says, “we’re on our way to show Mu Qing around town, but… if you’re still there when we come back, please tell me what you found out?”

“Xie Lian,” his brother sighs, stepping past Mu Qing and towards Xie Lian instead, “calm down.”

“Ah- sorry,” Xie Lian says, his tone a little meek all of a sudden. “You’re right. I’m sorry for being so pushy, haha…”

“It’s fine. It’s good you want to learn. We’ll see about it when you come back,” Mei Nianqing answers, and then cocks an eyebrow at Xie Lian’s brother. “Hey, Jun Wu, are you always that mean to your little brother? All he did was get a little excited about history, that’s a good thing, you know?”

Right. Xie Lian had said that his brother can get a little weird. This is probably what he meant, because Jun Wu does indeed seem a little unnecessarily mean.

“…You’re right,” Jun Wu says, which Xie Lian practically gasps at, “sorry. Whatever. Let’s get that research over with, I don’t want to waste my time on this, I have work tomorrow.”

With that said, Jun Wu stomps right past them, Ruoye once more hissing at him, while Mei Nianqing only gives a little shrug and a little smile at Xie Lian, then follows Jun Wu into their house.

“…Well. I can’t believe my brother has a friend now. So, uh… we’re leaving, right?”

“…Yeah,” Feng Xin responds, clearly disturbed by the idea of Jun Wu having a friend, too, which Mu Qing can’t judge because he doesn’t know him well at all. “Basketball needs his walk anyway, and I’m sure he’ll appreciate seeing all the vending machines in town, too.”

 

*

 

After showing him literally around half the town – and it’s not very small, although not quite big either – they finally sit down at what Xie Lian and Feng Xin deem the “best vending machine of town”.

“It’s my treat, choose whatever you want!” Xie Lian says, already grabbing his wallet and pointing at the actually very stupidly large vending machine. “It’s got hot drinks too, but I guess you can read that for yourself.”

Mu Qing does read over it, and dear god, this thing actually has everything, from whatever drink you could wish for to sandwiches, other snacks, and even a few instant noodles; he can see another button for hot water, and one for bamboo chopsticks, so you can make them right here and there. Mu Qing doesn’t usually eat instant noodles, though. They only get the really cheap ones when they’re very short on money, but his mother’s new work is paying her better anyway, so maybe they can get the more expensive ones for fun one of these days. His mother is most probably going to be cooking for them tonight anyways, so in the end, Mu Qing settles for a warm green tea – his hands are getting kind of cold now – and a chocolate bar. The cheapest one, because he isn’t going to decline Xie Lian paying for him when his mother hasn’t gotten paid yet, but he also doesn’t want to freeload. Feng Xin goes for another goddamn sandwich, a bottle of coke, and a bottle of water that he continues to pour into the small bowl he put into his jacket earlier so that Basketball can drink some too. Xie Lian, meanwhile, goes for the exact same thing as Mu Qing, and then, the three of them sit down on the bench next to it.

Basketball the dog isn’t that bad, Mu Qing finds. Once he’s finished drinking, he demands to be put onto the bench too, and settles between Feng Xin and Mu Qing, since he’d sat down next to Mu Qing. Sometimes, he looks at Mu Qing, tongue out, and Mu Qing can’t help it but pat his head a bit after all. He’s not Ruoye, though. Mu Qing has decided to die for Ruoye.

“I’m very glad you like cats, by the way,” Xie Lian says, “I couldn’t have taken getting one more friend that’s into dogs like Feng Xin. I mean, obviously I’m glad Feng Xin made friends with me upon moving here, ‘cause I was kind of scared of not finding any, but… a friend who likes cats is great anyway.”

“…I don’t,” Mu Qing rasps out, simply because it’s highly embarrassing to admit he likes anything, but both Xie Lian and Feng Xin stare at him like he’s gone insane.

“You’re a really fucking poor liar, you know?” Feng Xin grunts, his sandwich this time having less sauce, and now that he’s sitting so close to Mu Qing, he also seems to at least try and pay some attention to not chew and swallow all too loudly.

He’s not as bad. Just looks kind of annoying, but it’s the kind of annoying Mu Qing thinks he could get used to.

“Anyway, Mu Qing, I’m glad you like cats. My friends in my hometown really like cats, though I’ve long lost contact with one after he’d moved away… well, the other I’m still writing letters to, but I’ve moved from like, really far away, so…”

“Hm. I didn’t really have friends in my hometown,” Mu Qing says, even if that’s kind of a lie, because he did use to have some; it’s just that they all decided he was weird after he explained everything to them.

Feng Xin might find him weird if he knew. He’s sure Xie Lian wouldn’t. Still – the fear is too big, so he’s not going to actively tell him. He’s scared of him finding out, but he’s not terrified, and that’s good enough for now.

“Figures, given how insufferable you are.”

“Feng Xin!”

“What? I’m right! He fucking hates me, too!”

“He’s nice! I want to be friends with both of you!”

“You’ve known Mu Qing for a single day!” Feng Xin complains, and he’s so loud that it gets him a small glare from Basketball.

“So what?” Xie Lian laughs, and very casually puts an arm around Mu Qing, glaring at Feng Xin in much the same way as his dog is. “He can still be my friend. If my brother can get a friend, then I can have two, surely.”

“…Sadly, that’s a very good point,” Feng Xin says, and while he doesn’t put an arm around Mu Qing, he does raise his fist up for a fist bump.

Mu Qing has never given anyone a fist bump, because he hasn’t had any male friends yet, so he just sits there a little awkwardly for a while before eventually raising his own and bumping it into Feng Xin’s.

His throat feels a little dry, somehow.

He really isn’t used to just being treated this nicely.

“Truce. Just for the rest of today.”

“Hm,” Mu Qing makes, and meets Feng Xin’s gaze, seeing him properly smile for the first time.

From then on out, it’ll be downhill for him – except he won’t realize he falls in love right there and then until very, very late.

Notes:

"very very late" being literally not even in this fic. again, if you're here without having read the main fic - yeah. this is for main fic mu qing to find out, i'm afraid. I'm sorry. JKSDFJKGAD

Chapter 5: Maths&Cats: 4

Notes:

uploading this from after a con where i saw someone cosplay one of my fav ships but i was too scared to ask if it's in a ship way because oh my god what if they are not normal about these things. also there were SO many hua cheng's (u could hear them before u could see them. HC cosplays are so loud it fucking kills me).

going in for my silly little presentation tmr heeho i will slay (i'm mildly scared but whatevers)

ANYWAY here's the next chapter. enjoy!

The day Mu Qing has been terrified of ever since making friends with Xie Lian and Feng Xin comes. Or, in other words – PE class comes, and he’ll have to participate unless he finds a very good reason not to, which his weird body apparently does not count into. He’s going to be fine. He’ll just turn around, and no one’s going to know, and he stuffs some socks into his underwear anyway, so unless someone stares at him, he’s going to be fine. And in that case, certainly he can pass whoever is staring off as the actual issue in that situation, because hell.

So, Mu Qing is going to be fine in the boys’ changing room, he’s decided. They’re only twelve, so surely all the weird teenager stuff is going to come later, with everyone wanting to compare and whatnot, what they do in the movies and all?

Maybe it’s not even realistic. Mu Qing is hoping to everything that’s worth that it isn’t.

Feng Xin looks as relaxed as he could look, given that PE seems to be his best subject anyway, which makes sense given that he’s sporty and plays football most breaks. Mu Qing joined once, and it kind of raised his status a little, because now at least some people admire him.

Xie Lian held back, but only because everyone was trying to get him on their team; apparently, he’s really good, but isn’t too much into playing football in general, so he mostly just watches together with Mu Qing.

While Feng Xin is relaxed, Xie Lian isn’t. He keeps fidgeting with the strings of the bag containing his sports clothes, much the same as Mu Qing does.

It sucks, for both of them. At least he isn’t alone in this, but they’re going to be fine. Xie Lian can literally just turn around, too.

They’re twelve.

No one’s really going to know, and also, Mu Qing can see that Xie Lian is already wearing his t-shirt below his usual clothes, so it’s not like he really needs to actually change.

Mu Qing will do the same in the future. That’s a good way of doing it.

Feng Xin holds open the gym’s door for both of them; they’re here kind of early anyway, and Mu Qing can only hear two of the guys from their class talk on the inside of the changing room, so if they sneak in there fast, it’ll probably be for the best.

“Actually,” Xie Lian suddenly says, “I’ll just go change in the bathroom again.”

Implying that he’s done it before, but Feng Xin still raises his eyebrows at him.

“The bathrooms are disgusting,” he comments, “I don’t really get why you keep doing this.”

Xie Lian throws a guilty glance at him and then at Mu Qing, although a tiny bit more fearful, since he probably figured out that Mu Qing knows what the button with the blue, pink, and white stripes on it means.

“Just go with us. I mean, if you’ve got any kind of scars or whatever, none of the guys really care. They’re all pretty nice about that kinda stuff.”

Mu Qing, too, is just so scared, because if Xie Lian feels like he doesn’t have the right to go in there, then surely he also doesn’t have that right. If Xie Lian changes in the bathrooms, then surely he should, too.

“Mu Qing’s kind of an asshole, but I don’t think he’d be an asshole about that sort of crap, either. Right, Mu Qing?” Feng Xin suddenly asks, pulling Mu Qing into the conversation, but everything Mu Qing hears instead are the results flung at him.

“Excuse me? Who did you just call an ‘asshole’?”

“Well, I just mean-“

“Have you ever looked into a mirror, Feng Xin?”

“…Guys,” Xie Lian sighs, a little less spirit in him than usually, his smile a little sadder, “it’s fine. I’ll just go there again. It’s alright…”

“No,” Mu Qing says, “just come with us.”

Because if Xie Lian doesn’t go in there, then Mu Qing doesn’t have the right to, either. It’s either both of them or none of them.

“No, seriously, I really can’t, I don’t think you understand…”

“No one will care. Just turn whatever way makes you more comfortable or whatever. I can- stand in front of you or whatever?”

“Me too,” Feng Xin says, “and I don’t care unless you’re like, half-bear or a werewolf or whatever. Because I’d care about that. I think everyone would care about it. Ah, well, you get me.”

“…Nothing like that,” Xie Lian mumbles, “though, uh, I should probably just tell you. I’m sorry, I should’ve done that to begin with, and I guess it means I lied to you, or something…”

“Don’t think it’s a lie,” Mu Qing says, “you’re already wearing the PE t-shirt anyway, right? Turn around for your pants, and you’ll be just fine. I mean it. I can stand in front of you.”

He offers, as if he doesn’t need someone to do that for him, too. Well, the sock in his underwear has got to do to the job.

It’s weird, Mu Qing thinks. How much less anxious you get when someone else is even more freaked out than you. It’s probably egoistical on his side, too, because if Xie Lian won’t go in there, neither will he.

“I don’t think I’m following,” Feng Xin says, stuttering a little, “what lie are we talking about?”

“You’re not following because you’re stupid.”

“I swear to god, Mu Qing, you’re such a little bitch, like, actually.”

“Oh, and you aren’t?” Mu Qing laughs, crossing his arms a little, and immediately having Xie Lian tap on his shoulders to shut him up about it. That does work every time to be fair.

So, he grits his teeth and figures that it’s fine, he can put off his argument with Feng Xin later.

“…You know, don’t you?” Xie Lian mumbles, his finger only sinking slowly when Mu Qing turns around to him. He looks so lonely and scared.

Mu Qing gets it.

He feels the same way.

“Hm,” he says, “your lie about who that button belongs to wasn’t very… convincing. I don’t care. I’ll stand in front of you. Unless you really don’t want to change in there.”

But then I can’t, either. Then it means I’m not really a boy, no matter how sure I am of that. And I want to. I want to change with the guys just like the other guys do. I don’t want to be any different. Maybe one day, when I’m brave enough. But not right now.

“Haha… thanks, that you’re- okay with it.”

“How’s the button related to any of this?” Feng Xin asks, still absolutely lost. He blinks at both of them, and Mu Qing rolls his eyes at him because hell, how can a single guy be so ignorant? Okay, fair, why would Feng Xin know about this stuff? Exactly, he wouldn’t, because he’s a regular guy, and he’s probably into girls, so he doesn’t have to bother with any of it, so he wouldn’t know.

Mu Qing will blame him anyway. Just for the fun of it.

“I… it’s, uh… wait, Mu Qing, how do you know it?”

“Me?” Mu Qing rasps out, feeling a little caught under Xie Lian’s gaze, but he’s a better actor than Xie Lian. Not a good one, but a good enough one. “Ah, I saw it once. On someone’s bag, next to the rainbow flag, which I knew before. I asked my mom later, and she didn’t know either, so she googled it.”

It’s not exactly wrong, after all. Lies pass a lot better if they’re half-truths, because then you can tell them much more convincingly.

“I see,” Xie Lian sighs, but gets interrupted by Feng Xin.

“Oh, the rainbow flag, like, for gay people? Are you scared someone can like, see you’re gay when you undress? Or are you scared you’re going to ogle-“

“Feng Xin,” Mu Qing says, and straight up steps on his foot. “I do not think Xie Lian is scared of ogling someone. Are you out of your mind?”

“…No,” Xie Lian answers, but he laughs a bit, and his shoulders seem a bit more relaxed now that he knows that at least Mu Qing doesn’t care. “No, it’s not… that. Honestly, I don’t even know if I’m into girls or guys. I’ve never really thought about it. It’s- I wasn’t born a boy. I don’t know if you know the term, but like, being trans and stuff.”

Seemingly, that rings one of the very, very few bells in Feng Xin’s pretty dim brain, and he shoves Mu Qing away from where he’s still standing on his foot.

“Oh, yeah, so like, you’re a girl?”

Right away, Mu Qing steps on his foot again.

“No! Don’t just call him that, are you out of your mind, you insensitive-“

“Huh, but if he wants to be a girl, then-“

“Not that way around, you goddamn idiot!”

“…Mu Qing, it’s alright, stop insulting each other, why are you guys like this?” Xie Lian stuffs his hands into his pockets, and speaks up again much more shyly. “I was born a girl. Sort of, I guess. I mean, I do think I was always a guy, but like, you know, there’s some stuff I… don’t have. Well, the doctors said I was a girl. I never really felt like one, so I never really considered myself one. If that makes sense.”

“Oh. Okay, okay, so you’re a guy?”

“Yeah, but not a real guy, I guess,” Xie Lian says, Feng Xin suddenly relaxing immensely, his shoulders sinking down, once more shoving Mu Qing off his foot.

“Nah, you’re fine,” Feng Xin says, “you’re a guy as real as the rest of us, dick or no dick or whatever. What I care about is that you’re a guy, not a girl, because that would be icky. We can stay friends.”

Mu Qing is at such a genuine loss as to why Feng Xin seems almost scared of women, to be honest. The implication that if Xie Lian was a trans woman he’d break off their friendship just because that’d make him ‘a woman’ is absolutely killing him. Nothing is normal about this guy, even if he looks like the most regular guy ever.

Maybe the three of them are a weirdly good fit.

“…So you’re fine with it?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever. I’m taller than Mu Qing, I can stand in front of you if you want. There’s that corner. Let’s quickly go in so you can get that, and I’ll stand in front of you if it bothers you that anyone could find out. Obviously I won’t tell. Didn’t know there was like, colours ‘n shit for it.”

“I… only really knew ‘cause of my brother. Well, my best friend back in my hometown is also… but we’ve already kind of lost contact, ‘cause i guess it’s hard to communicate per letters, and my parents aren’t allowing me a phone yet,” Xie Lian explains, “my brother seems to have done a lot of bad things with his phone, so they’re scared I’ll do the same.”

Of course.

Mu Qing really isn’t sure what he should think of this Jun Wu guy, because he didn’t look very bad, but he’s basically a criminal, and if he’s done ‘bad things’ with his phone, then that can probably only mean cyberbullying or whatever. He’s just going to stay away from him as much as possible.

“Aaah, that makes a lot of sense though. Why you kept changing in the bathroom and stuff. But yeah, as long as you feel comfortable changing in there with me shielding you, I’ll do it.”

“Thank you, Feng Xin. I mean it,” Xie Lian says, and then, he starts crying.

Mu Qing isn’t used to having friends to begin with, but having friends that cry is even worse. For a while, he goes into absolute panic mode, then lets his rucksack sink and grabs a tissue as fast as he can, by which point Feng Xin has already went and hugged Xie Lian.

“There, there,” he says, a little awkwardly, taller than Xie Lian and thus ending up with Xie Lian’s face in his shoulder, “it’s all good, no need to be scared or whatever. I mean, some of the others might care, so better be careful, but I don’t. You didn’t lie to me either, ‘cause you’re a guy, so everything’s fine. Great there’s colours though. Or something like that. Your brother gave that button to you?”

“Yeah,” Xie Lian croaks out, muffled by Feng Xin’s winter jacket, “he did. It’s like, the first nice thing he’s ever done for me, so I appreciate it. I mean, not like, the first nice thing ever. But the first nice thing in a bit. So I appreciate it. I mean, my parents know and they’re okay with it and stuff, so it’s fine. I’m just… yeah. Thank you. You too, Mu Qing.”

“…No need to thank me,” Mu Qing answers, because if anything, he should be the one to thank Xie Lian instead.

Xie Lian accepts himself as a boy, so even if just for the sake of getting changed, Mu Qing can do the same, too.

They’re both boys, so they can both get changed with other boys.

It’s no big deal.

It takes a while for Xie Lian to stop crying, and none of their classmates have joined them yet, either; it’s still the break, so Mu Qing isn’t very surprised. They just wanted to get here early because it’s cold outside. At one point, he tries very awkwardly to pat Xie Lian’s shoulder, still holding out the tissue towards him because he isn’t used to comforting anyone that isn’t one of the children from his previous neighbourhood whenever they fell or hurt themselves or whatever.

However, once Xie Lian does resurface, he gratefully takes the tissue from Mu Qing and starts patting away his tears. Feng Xin leaves his hand on his shoulder and then gestures at the changing room.

“We should go before anyone notices. I’ll stand in front of you, no one’s gonna know,” he says, and Mu Qing just gives another awkward nod, before suddenly finding that Xie Lian is hugging him.

“Thank you. For the tissue, too,” he mumbles into his shoulder, then lets go, leaving Mu Qing standing there all flustered, with not a single idea of what the actual hell he’s meant to do.

Someone other than his mom has just hugged him.

While Mu Qing keeps standing there completely confused, Feng Xin holds open the door for Xie Lian, and stares at Mu Qing for a little while, probably contemplating what he wants to say. In the end, he just gives a small cough that jerks Mu Qing out of his what-the-fuck-just-happened state.

“…Are you coming or no? I’m not holding the door open forever.”

Even though Mu Qing might have just had several revelations about human warmth all at once, Feng Xin’s voice pisses him off just enough to give a snarky retort, and slip into the changing room behind Xie Lian.

Because if Xie Lian belongs in there, then maybe, so does he.

Chapter 6: Maths&Cats: 5

Notes:

i am back in the house having realized another fic i wrote early last year is in fact also set in this au. i fucking forgor, and low key that's terrifying, because that means this fic alone (minus the yuwu au i also started, save me??) is going to tip this series past the 1 million word mark. i think i need therapy. (/lh)

After two months, Mu Qing thinks he’s settled in well enough. No one knows what he looks like without clothes, no one has heard any rumors about him from his hometown. His mother is happy with her new job, and she got two wages by now; they’re not much, but they’ve been able to live more than comfortably, even without Mu Qing’s father around. Xie Lian is still as nice to him as on day one, and in a weird way, Mu Qing likes even Feng Xin. Even if he’s an annoying bastard who swears too much and has bad breath sometimes because he forgets to brush his teeth. He also likes Basketball, whose bad breath is much more excusable, given he’s a literal dog, and also has one foot in the grave at this point; Mu Qing says it very lovingly, of course. Not that he holds up to Ruoye in any way, of course, but that’s just because Mu Qing is horribly biased towards cats.

After just two weeks, him, Xie Lian, and Feng Xin got into a routine of the three of them studying at their respective houses, alternatingly. Xie Lian says that before this, Feng Xin’s grades were significantly worse, so it seems that, at the very least, it’s doing something for Feng Xin. Xie Lian is not a person that needs much studying, Mu Qing has found out; he’s just naturally intelligent. If he listens in class, it’s practically enough for him to ace every single test, while Mu Qing is good enough at soaking up knowledge too, but not nearly as much. He still has to put in the work.

…Really, Mu Qing is quite jealous of both of them, just in very different ways. He knows some of these are unrightful, like how much money the two of them have, because they’ve probably never experienced that type of hardship, but that’s not their fault or whatever.

And, besides, Xie Lian always brings little presents for his mom when they’re at his house to study that day.

The guy is too good for the world. Mu Qing wonders how someone can turn out that gentle and kind, and he really wished he could be the same, but that’s just not who he is.

“Alright, that’s enough for today,” Feng Xin declares, putting down his pen and glaring at his maths book like it’s about to pull his dog's other foot into the grave, too, “my mind is fucking steaming and I’m not putting up with another goddamn equation, and if that Wang shithead complains about me getting x or y wrong I’m going to set his house on fire.”

“Feng Xin, please,” Xie Lian sighs, “Mister Wang is a very nice person, and you like him as much as the rest of us. He’s not at fault for being a maths teacher.”

“Except he kind of is, because he chose to study that at university and then go into teaching on top of that,” Mu Qing comments, “but Xie Lian is right. You’re being unnecessarily mean and awful to him. Show some respect, he’s teaching you things you will need in life.”

“What the fuck would I need equations for?”

“Weather forecasts or something.”

“Well, I’m just not going to do fucking weather forecasts then. Are you?”

Mu Qing wants to just say ‘I don’t think so’, but something about Feng Xin’s tone is always so horribly grating.

“Maybe, and I’m going to calculate it wrong just so I can tell you it’s going to be sunny, so you don’t take a jacket and umbrella, and get soaked.”

“You’re such a little bitch sometimes, you know?” Feng Xin grunts, closing his maths book and putting it into his bag. Anyway, I promised my dad that I’d go to the store and pick up some fresh tofu for dinner, so I should probably get going, since it’s already kinda late. If you two freaks want to continue studying, you can feel free, but I’m done for the week.”

“You’d do better to stay a little longer and profit off Xie Lian’s and my wisdom, you know? Eating tofu might just scramble your brain more.”

“Don’t insult tofu, Mu Qing,” Xie Lian says with a small chuckle, “and besides, Feng Xin’s brain has long been scrambled.”

“Hey- you too?” Feng Xin asks, throwing his arms up and grabbing his bag, “that’s my clue to leave. Neither of you are my friend, and I hope you know that.”

However, he says that with a grin, so Mu Qing knows that statement isn’t true, it’s just… that implies he is Feng Xin’s friend, and frankly, he has not a single idea of how to deal with that thought. Of course Mu Qing’s had friends in his hometown, but he thought that after some people found out what he’s like, he’d never find any again. Of course Feng Xin and Xie Lian don’t know of this either, but it still just feels like they might really not care.

He has friends.

God, Mu Qing can’t believe he’s got friends.

“Have fun buying the tofu,” Xie Lian says, “I’ll come around for dinner at yours the next time your dad makes potato stew again, it was really good.”

“I’ll let him know,” Feng Xin says, and walks out of the door on his own with a wave. Mu Qing doesn’t feel very bad about not accompanying him down the stairs to the apartment complex’s entrance. Feng Xin can find his own damned way. That isn’t Mu Qing’s problem.

“Alright, I’ll also pack it up though,” Xie Lian says, “my brother’s friend is over again today, and Jun Wu said we could… try cooking something together. I don’t know, he’s never really offered that to me, so… I’ll take him up on that offer. How about your dinner?”

“Hm? Ah, I’ll start cooking as soon as my mom texts me that she’s leaving work. As opposed to you and Feng Xin, I can take care of myself.”

“…Haha,” Xie Lian makes with a little awkward laugh, “you’d be right about that.”

After a while, Mu Qing does look up at him.

“Are you okay? About your brother and all?”

Because, over the past two months, Mu Qing has learned a lot about how complicated Xie Lian’s relationship with his brother really is. Xie Lian doesn’t hate him, no, but he seems scared of him. Jun Wu himself seems scary, so Mu Qing isn’t very surprised by that, either. Xie Lian told him some bits and pieces here and there. Jun Wu pulling his hair when they were little, a lot of stuff destroyed, a lot of arguments in general – really, to Mu Qing, it sounds kind of what siblings are just like, just a lot worse than usual, and for a lot longer. Ever since moving, Jun Wu has apparently been making a slightly disturbing effort (in Xie Lian’s words) to be nicer to him.

Xie Lian has been attributing it to Jun Wu’s friend, Mei Nianqing, and given that sometimes, Mu Qing sees the two of them interact, too, he thinks that might just be right.

Mei Nianqing seems like something of a brake to whatever Jun Wu is all about.

“Yeah. It’s nice he’s making an effort now,” Xie Lian says, “so I better not pass up the opportunity. Besides, I really like Mei Nianqing. He’s nice. I’m just a little surprised at how much time they spend together, but-“

“Have you considered they might just be dating?”

“…Excuse me?” Xie Lian rasps out, staring up at Mu Qing with big eyes.

“I’m just saying,” Mu Qing explains, “people who spend a lot of times might just be dating. I wouldn’t know, obviously, but just a thought.”

“No… no, you’re right, that’d make an awful lot of sense,” Xie Lian laughs, albeit a little awkwardly, clearly not sure how to feel about that, “I’ll try to ask one of these days, maybe. Well, not directly, because Jun Wu might just kill me. I guess he’s not homophobic, but…”

Mu Qing kind of finds it a tiny bit funny how awful of a person Jun Wu seems to be, but then he draws the line at being homophobic or transphobic. He has weird priorities.

“Hm. You can try. Should I come with you? I still need to get some instant ramen at the vending machine anyway.”

“Oh, yeah, that’d be nice!” Xie Lian says with a short look out the window; it’s dark already. Mu Qing doesn’t mean it in a judgy way, but Xie Lian has long hair, and sometimes when he doesn’t get to introduce himself as a guy, people assume he’s a girl. It’s dangerous for girls to walk around when it’s dark outside. Hell, even for boys, so the least Mu Qing can do is walk him back. He’ll be fine on his own walking back to his own home, though. It’s not that long of a walk anyway.

“I’ll go grab my shoes then!” Xie Lian says, and is already off to do that, while Mu Qing grabs his wallet since it’s instant ramen day for him and his mom tomorrow; and also, he should get some snacks for him and his mom, but he’s too lazy to go to the supermarket now, so the vending machine will do.

Together, they leave the house, walking by the vending machine, where Mu Qing purchases his ramen and snacks and also a pack of that awful fucking beef jerky stuff that Feng Xin loves because Feng Xin bought him a muesli bar the other day, and Mu Qing doesn’t want to be indebted to that fucking guy.

Xie Lian turns the key in his door, and the first thing that Mu Qing hears is, in fact, Jun Wu.

“See, dad, I don’t really care whether you think it’s horrible that I’m gay because I’m not going to have children to carry on our legacy. Frankly, my genes shouldn’t be passed on. It’s for the better of society.”

Still in the door, Mu Qing and Xie Lian give each other a very, very long look.

Xie Lian looks tired. Tired of his family, and his life, and tired of the fact that Mu Qing has to witness whatever the hell this conversation is about. Well, it’s very clearly about Jun Wu being gay.

“And who is going to take over the company in the future?”

“Not me,” Jun Wu sighs, “if Xie Lian wants it, good for him, but don’t force him into it, either. Well, is that your only problem with me being gay?”

“Dear, listen, I understand your concern,” Xie Lian’s mother says, “but they could still adopt or something, and I know you don’t mind these things usually. Just accept him the way he is. You didn’t have any issues with A-Lian, right?”

“No, because he’s a decent boy and doesn’t have a criminal record yet.”

“Find someone else to take over the company, I’m not going to do it,” Jun Wu repeats again, “so, anyway, Mei Nianqing and me are going to get started on dinner. You’re free to eat it or not. Or is it too dirty if a gay person-“

“I have no issues with you being gay, I have an issue with you not wanting children!” their father interferes again, and Xie Lian next to Mu Qing just kind of buries his face in his hands for a few seconds.

Then, he plasters on the best smile he can, and calls out loud: “Hey! I’m back home! Mu Qing took me! He’s gotta go home again to make dinner in a second, but yeah!”

Immediately, everyone shuts up. After a few seconds, Xie Lian’s mother comes out of the kitchen and approaches them, quickly hugging Xie Lian, and then also Mu Qing.

…Because somehow, Xie Lian’s mother really likes Mu Qing, and Mu Qing can’t really wrap his head around why.

Very awkwardly, he hugs her back.

“Your father is in a bad mood right now, so just ignore him. Your brother’s in the kitchen to cook with Mei Nianqing, so you can join them, alright? And thank you Mu Qing for taking him home. Will you be fine on your own?”

“…Yes,” Mu Qing mutters, giving Xie Lian a little glance because he’s wondering whether Xie Lian is going to be fine, given his family seems everything but normal right now.

Suddenly, Jun Wu and Mei Nianqing also turn up, Jun Wu leaving the kitchen first, then Mei Nianqing. Jun Wu very quickly pulls Mei Nianqing along, and then nods at him.

“…Welcome back, Xie Lian,” he says, just as awkwardly as all of his and Xie Lian’s interactions that Mu Qing has been witnessing lately, “I just wanted to let you know, I’m gay, and Mei Nianqing is my boyfriend.”

Okay. Mu Qing was right then. That was, in fact, his boyfriend, then. He isn’t particularly surprised, and really, it makes sense to him. Strangely enough, they look like a very normal couple, even if Jun Wu is anything but normal.

Good for them, probably. Maybe that’s what’s been making Jun Wu a little more… normal.

“Oh, okay!” Xie Lian says, still that smile on his face – it seems a lot more genuine now, “I’m so happy for you, then! I like you a lot, Mei Nianqing, so it’s great it’s you! Please take care of my big brother!”

“Hm. I’ll make him not commit as many crimes, don’t worry. None, preferably.”

“…That’d be nice,” Xie Lian says, “so uh, we’ll get to cooking then…?”

“Yes,” Mei Nianqing says, clearly not at all bothered by Jun Wu’s and Xie Lian’s father’s bad reaction, which Mu Qing… he respects that. A lot. If someone reacted like this about him, he’s pretty sure he’d start crying on the spot. Or, if not that, he’d physically flee and then start crying somewhere else.

“Okay, great! Uh…” Xie Lian says with an awkward look at Mu Qing, but Mu Qing just quickly shakes his head.

“I’ll head back now anyways. Mom’s probably getting off work soon, so I better get started on cooking.”

“Ah, right!” Xie Lian’s mom suddenly says, and takes Mu Qing’s hands again, squeezing them a little. “Your yakisoba leftovers the other day were really good, I tried some! You’re really good at cooking! Much better than me! Keep it up, Qing-er!”

“…Y-yes,” is everything Mu Qing manages to stutter out, already feeling heat shoot into his cheeks, “th-thank you.”

And then, he darts out of the door again, because if there’s anything Mu Qing can’t handle, it’s compliments.

“Goodbye!” Xie Lian shouts behind him, and his mother too, but Mu Qing doesn’t even manage to stop for that. If it makes him look pathetic, then just for tonight, he’s going to accept as much.

Once he starts walking fast, he takes a short break. Now, he’s out of sight from Xie Lian, so he can just stand there and catch his breath and try to process the fact that not only is he liked, but also his food.

It’s a little too much for him. That warmth is still a little too much for Mu Qing. He’s not used to it.

It takes a while to catch his breath, and only then does he walk on, but he’s stopped a second later by a small, meek little sound, something he thinks he’s almost mistaking for the wind or something, but no. Undoubtedly, that’s… a kitten meowing.

Mu Qing can tell apart cat meows and kitten meows, alright? He watches more than enough cat videos to know what they sound like.

It takes a while for him to successfully locate the sound because of the wind, but he’s pretty certain it’s coming from the right. And, look – he can’t just leave a kitten on its own, right? If it is alone, of course. If it isn’t, Mu Qing can just leave. Also, if he is mistaking it for one, because who knows.

But he can’t leave it without investigating it.

So, he searches.

It takes a few minutes until Mu Qing finds the little animal that makes the pitiful noise, and it is indeed a cat. Not a kitten per se, but definitely a younger cat; probably old enough to eat proper food, so…

Gulping, Mu Qing pulls out the beef jerky he had planned to give to Feng Xin tomorrow – it’s fine, that rich idiot doesn’t need his stupid beef jerky anyway.

A grey-striped head perking up at him, Mu Qing knows that he’s made both the right decision, and also a new little friend.

Cats are more important than Feng Xin. Who the hell needs Feng Xin?

Chapter 7: Maths&Cats: 6

Notes:

hi, i have made it back!!! here i am !!! here's the new chap right on time !!! i'm actually remembering the 5-day upload schedule so far i hope everyone is proud lmao (i will now part to. write this fic LMFAO I'm like 21 chapters in by now so,,, still got a lot up my sleeve,,,)

It’s been three days ever since Mu Qing found the kitten, and he’s been trying to take care of it the best he can, which isn’t very good, because he’s not sure she – it’s a girl, he’s looked – should be in their flat. Of course, Mu Qing hasn’t read their contract, because why would he at his age?

But he’s certain his mother has said something about pets not being allowed at their flat, and Mu Qing would rather not end up on the streets or something because of a cat, no matter how much he loves her. So, he won’t let the cat inside.

It’s just that she’s so small, and it’s so cold outside at the moment. He knows cats aren’t as fickle about the cold as humans are, but he still doesn’t like the thought. He’s at least managed to take her closer to their apartment complex, though. There’s a small unused garage down the street, so he’s deposited her there with a box and an old blanket he chose to take with him instead of throwing it out. In the end, that seems to have been a good choice on his part. He doesn’t have a lot of pocket money left for the month anymore if he wants to save up the usual amount, so he’s bought the biggest but cheapest pack of cat food he could possibly find. It’s probably not very healthy, but for now it’s important that he keeps her alive and well-fed. If the food has a bit too much sugar, that’s not the main issue.

So, that’s what Mu Qing does.

Every morning before school, he walks past the garage, finds the cat either inside or somewhere around, and if she’s outside, she walks up to him as soon as she hears him, and feeds her. After school, he excuses himself to Xie Lian and Feng Xin, and says he’s busy right now. Then, he spends basically the entire afternoon with her.

In the end, he leaves before his mom can catch on to what he’s doing, not because he’s scared of her reaction or anything, but because he doesn’t want her to worry.

In truth, Mu Qing wants nothing more than to keep the cat, but he knows very well that he can’t. He knows that his mother would know that, too, and he doesn’t want her to feel guilty about making him give her away.

Again – theoretically, Mu Qing knows this is in vain, and also a little selfish. It’d be much better if they brought her to the local shelter, because that way, she could find an actual home, but also it’d mean that Mu Qing couldn’t visit said new home and therefore her.

It’s stupid how attached he gets to cats, and how fast that happens, but look – she’s cute as hell, and one of her stripes on her little head is kind of heart-shaped, and that’s even more adorable, alright?

So, after school, Mu Qing once more makes his way over to the garage and opens it to find her asleep curled up in the box. At the sound of him entering, her head perks up, and she stretches herself until Mu Qing can see her claws.

She does look rather healthy, at least, from what he can tell. He’s looked for fleas and that kind of stuff and found virtually nothing, so maybe she ran away from home, or someone placed her out on the street not at all long ago. The garage may not be warm, but it’s at least dry and sheltered, which is better than nothing at all.

“You’ll get your lunch now, yes,” he says in his cat voice, roughly two octaves higher and making him sound significantly more like a girl or at least not-a-boy than anything else ever could, probably, but if it’s with cats, Mu Qing doesn’t even care.

He crouches down to give her some headpats, then grabs the bag of food and pours some onto the floor, because he doesn’t have a proper bowl or anything of the like, sadly.

She eagerly starts cracking away at the brown pellets with her teeth, purring a little.

Mu Qing strokes her from head to tail once, but lets her eat in peace afterwards.

“…Ah, you know what, it makes a lot of sense that it was a cat that’d keep you from studying.”

At suddenly hearing Xie Lian’s voice, Mu Qing flinches so hard that the cat next to him also flinches for a second. Then, it just continues eating, and Mu Qing is left wishing he was such an uncaring cat instead of such a caring human.

“Ah-“ he yelps, turning around to see both Xie Lian and Feng Xin standing in the door, both having the hugest smirks on their faces.

Ugh.

Why did Mu Qing make friends with them again? Why didn’t he just stay a loner like he was meant to from the beginning?

“Look,” he starts with a little stutter, but Feng Xin’s snort makes him explode again, because Feng Xin is just one huge piece of shit always making fun of him, alright? Mu Qing thinks that Feng Xin likes him, in a way, but when he does things like this, he’s not entirely sure of it, either. “Look, just because you have that really old dog with the most horrid name to man doesn’t mean someone else can’t also love an animal! And if you think that’s… unmanly or something-“

“Nah, not unmanly,” Feng Xin interrupts him with a wave of his hand. “Just weirdly cute for someone as obnoxious as you.”

“Cute-“

Now, Mu Qing explodes, but in another way entirely.

Heat creeps into his cheeks, and his knees start feeling wobbly, but he’s already crouching down, so it’s not too bad. If he was standing though, Mu Qing is kind of sure he might’ve fallen straight onto the floor with how weak his legs suddenly feel. Why the hell would Feng Xin call him cute, and why the hell would Mu Qing feel like this about it? Okay, he knows why. It’s anger. That red-hot feeling inside of him is definitely rage, because he fucking hates being called cute. In fact, Mu Qing would rather die than being called cute by Feng Xin ever again. If anyone else called him cute, he’d still hate it, but hearing it out of Feng Xin’s mouth of all things feels beyond weird. Not in a good way. Mu Qing hates the way it feels, leaving him all warm and soppy in his embarrassment.

Yes.

He’s angry because he’s embarrassed. That makes a lot of sense.

“I’m not cute!” he wants so shout, but truth be told, it comes out weirdly meek, to the point that even Xie Lian gives him a little smile.

“It’s alright, Mu Qing!” Xie Lian says, as if Mu Qing needs his approval in any way, “that’s a very good reason not to study.”

“I’m still studying! Just- here instead, not at your houses or mine…!”

“Hm, I wasn’t saying it’d be bad if you didn’t study!” Xie Lian says, that stupid smile on his face still, “just that it’s understandable. No worries, Mu Qing, neither me nor Feng Xin are judging you!”

Oh, they aren’t? Sure, Mu Qing will totally believe that despite the smirks on their faces. He only grunts something in response, and then picks up the cat.

“Really, we aren’t!” Feng Xin says, properly stepping into the garage now, and walking closer towards Mu Qing and the cat. “What’s her name?”

“We’re not talking to you,” Mu Qing states, only realizing he used the ‘we’ pronoun belatedly, his cheeks going even more scarlet at that.

“Oh, but she? He? Looks very interested in me, right?” Feng Xin asks, and already reaches out his hand towards the cat in Mu Qing’s arms, her striped little head jolting out to go sniff at Feng Xin’s hand interestedly.

In the end, Mu Qing isn’t strong enough to not let Feng Xin pet her, Feng Xin pets her head, whether Mu Qing wants him to or not.

…At least he does it in the cat-way, not the dog-way, like you might expect of a dog person. Mu Qing guesses that he’s been around Ruoye enough to understand as much, which is good, because otherwise, Mu Qing might have to fight with him for real.

“Aww, she’s very cute. What’s her name?”

“…She doesn’t have one,” Mu Qing presses out from between clenched teeth, still not wanting to play nice with Feng Xin after being called ‘cute’ by him. Xie Lian also steps closer, reaching out for her now, too.

Mu Qing is left standing there with two people petting the cat in his arms, their hands weirdly and uncomfortably close to him now. Of course they touch him sometimes and everything, but that’s his arms or shoulders, not so close to his chest. Maybe Mu Qing has more issues about having friends again than he had previously thought he did.

“You haven’t named her yet?” Xie Lian asks, crawling her behind her ears and cooing at her a bit as she starts purring, but also looks back down at the food on her floor again.

Xie Lian seems to realize that, so Mu Qing is able to let her down once Xie Lian has backed up enough for him to do so. Then, the cat, goes back to eating.

“…No, I haven’t really had any ideas,” he says.

“Name her Volleyball, then her and Basketball can match.”

This time, Xie Lian joins Mu Qing in his judgmental stare at Feng Xin.

“What? I just think it’d be cute!”

“You could name her something really fancy, like Aristotle… though I guess that’s a man’s name. Not that that really matters, though I guess.”

“Eww. I’m not naming her after some old Greek fart.”

“Mu Qing! That ‘old Greek fart’ had some great ideas!”

“Sure,” Mu Qing says, “might as well name her after our maths teacher or something, given that you guys’ naming ideas are so terrible.”

“Still,” Xie Lian says, “we were really worried about you, actually. I’m glad it turned out that a cat was the reason for this. Like this, we can at least stop being concerned, because usually, you’d never decline studying. Maybe don’t name her after Mr Wang, though. I’m not sure she likes maths.”

“I don’t think she looks smart enough to be able to do maths,” Mu Qing agrees, which the cat looks up at him for, as if she’s very much understood the words he’s said, and as if she’s very offended by them.

“I’ll come up with a name for her at one point,” he says in the end, “anyway, there was no need to worry about me. I’m alright. Just- had to take care of her, found her outside on her on and all, and I didn’t really want that for her.”

“Understandably so, that’s just a baby,” Feng Xin says, crouching down to look at her eating a little more. “You can’t take her home?”

“Our flat doesn’t allow pets,” Mu Qing says, “so, no. I can’t.”

“Hm, I’d offer to take her in, but I’ve got a dog, and Basketball is scared of bunnies already, I don’t think he’d take a cat very well. Also, I think my mom’s allergic to cats, so that doesn’t help, probably.”

“Ruoye doesn’t do very well around other cats, either, and my dad’s strictly against a second cat, anyway, so even if they got along… otherwise, I’d also offer, obviously.”

“…I can’t keep her in this garage forever,” Mu Qing mumbles, also crouching down to look at her now, next to Feng Xin. She’s eating all innocently, not at all knowing that the three of them are trying to decide their future for her right now.

No, really, Mu Qing appreciates that Xie Lian and Feng Xin are both trying to help out, and that they aren’t judging him.

(Still – he doesn’t appreciate Feng Xin calling him cute in the least.)

“Hm. That much is true. Is it maybe worth it for you to ask your mom, anyway, in case you misunderstood something?”

“We don’t have the money for a pet even if the flat allowed her, idiot,” Mu Qing chides Feng Xin, petting the cat’s head again once she’s done eating and instead walks back over towards him.

“…Right. Sorry, I forgot.”

“I know, because you’re an idiot.”

“You guys, stop,” Xie Lian sighs, stuffing his hands into his pocket and looking down at her.

“You’re right, though, Mu Qing. She can’t stay here forever. She needs to see a vet, and it’s cold, and even a shelter would be better.”

Xie Lian’s voice is all soft and kind, and Mu Qing knows that Xie Lian means only well with what he’s saying. It’s not like he hadn’t known, of course, but the thought of parting from her is sad anyways, so he has to do his best to suppress his tears whether he wants to or not.

He’s gotten so attached to her over the past three days that it could drive him insane. He knows damn well he won’t be able to keep her, and he knew that from the start, so why the hell does it still make him so sad and upset hearing it from another person?

Even though he’s long known?

With a little sigh, he nods, though.

Xie Lian is right. He can’t keep her here, no matter what.

“…Hey, dude, you okay?” Feng Xin suddenly asks, and now, even his voice sounds soft. Mu Qing gives a quick nod, knowing that if he spoke up, he’d probably start crying.

Xie Lian walks up to him and pats his shoulders a little.

“We can come with you and stuff. We’ve got Ruoye’s carrier and all. I can go grab it while you guys wait here, and then we’ll ask one of our parents to drive us to the shelter, alright?”

Once more, Mu Qing can only nod.

Xie Lian is so kind, and what for? He isn’t even going to make fun of him for being so close to tears – not that Mu Qing is going to allow himself to cry, obviously. Because then, the others might actually hate him. Why, when Xie Lian himself cries quite often, Mu Qing isn’t very sure of. But he knows they might hate him, so he holds his own tears back to the best of his ability, swallowing around his constricted throat over and over again.

“Alright. It’ll be fine, Mu Qing. The local shelter’s really good. We got Ruoye from there, originally! And your cat young and very sweet, so she’ll find a loving home soon. I’m sure you can ask the shelter who adopted her and even visit, maybe.”

“Hm,” Mu Qing hums unable to say more. He looks down at her, knowing that their time together is counted, but Xie Lian’s words were firm.

And he’s right.

Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt though.

Xie Lian says his goodbyes, and leaves the small garage again, while Mu Qing gives the cat some extra lunch.

“You were totally about to cry there,” Feng Xin suddenly says out of nowhere, causing Mu Qing’s hand to slip and spill more food on the floor than he had meant to. Like a starved beast, the cat starts eating again, like this isn’t her second portion.

Mu Qing can only pray she won’t overdo it and end up with a stomachache.

“Shut up,” he grunts, his voice still a little unstable. He has to swallow once more to completely ban the feeling of tears pricking at his lids from his eyes. “You have no feelings.”

“Eh, even guys have feelings, you’d know,” Feng Xin says with an amused little glance, and Mu Qing fucking hates the guy so much. Even with such a sarcastic, teasing remark, he still manages to hit that one spot inside of him that Mu Qing really needs validated – namely, that he’s a guy. Feng Xin doesn’t know as much, but it feels good to be acknowledged as one, anyway.

“Shut it already.”

“Nope. I can see you love little Volleyball here. Makes you seem like much less prickly of a person, you know? And I can see that Volleyball loves you, too.”

“Don’t just call her Volleyball, you… himbo.”

“Oh wow, Mu Qing learned a new word. Did you hear that, Volleyball?”

Sadly, the cat perks up at that name, as if it’s always been hers, and given just how attached Mu Qing is to the cat, and how, if she could speak, she could tell him to jump out of a four-story window and he’d do it, Mu Qing gives up.

Apparently, ‘Volleyball’ is simply her name now.

He hates his entire life.

(Actually, he hates his life a whole lot less these days.)

“Oh, look, Volleyball likes her name.”

“I don’t like you.”

“I know, which is okay, because I can’t stand you either, but that’s probably because you kind of act like a cat yourself, and I’m more used to dogs.”

“I- what?”

“Everything that’s missing some days is you wearing cat ears and a cat tail or something like that,” Feng Xin says, as if it’s the most normal thing to say. Mu Qing feels his imaginary cat tail bristle in anger at that, and his imaginary cat ears perk up, almost as if betraying him. “Like a furry, or whatever those were called.”

“I swear to god-“ Mu Qing hisses, and Feng Xin gives him the largest grin known to man, or, well, that’s just his usual grin. It looks a little meaner than usual, though.

“Hissing just like a cat, huh, Mu Qing?”

“I’m going to kill you. Like, I’m actually going to kill you. Volleyball here can’t talk, so no one is going to know how you’ve died.”

“I think Xie Lian would know,” Feng Xin laughs, then stops paying any more attention to Mu Qing, instead reaching for Volleyball who’s stopped chewing at her kibble again. He scoops her up in his arms with a fluid, practiced motion, and holds her.

She lets him.

“Also, you just called her Volleyball yourself. Glad to know you don’t find the name as horrendous as you said you do.”

“I do find it horrendous!” Mu Qing shouts, but both Feng Xin and Volleyball look at him with very unimpressed faces, like neither of them really believe him, even though it’s true – Mu Qing finds this name absolutely and utterly stupid, and he wished Volleyball hadn’t reacted to it the way she did.

“Hm, you find the name as bad as me, huh?” Feng Xin asks, which is even worse because it implies that Mu Qing likes Feng Xin. For the record, he absolutely does not like Feng Xin because he’s a privileged asshole who can’t shut the fuck up for all that’s worth. He has a horrible naming sense, he sucks at school, he doesn’t care about anything. He acts like all girls have cooties or whatever, even though Mu Qing thinks that at nearly age thirteen, you’re much too old for that. All he cares about is sports, his dog, and sandwiches.

Why is he so obsessed with sandwiches anyway? They taste like pain and suffering to Mu Qing, all bland and boring. Obviously they make for a convenient quick snack, but he’d rather die than have sandwiches daily when rice and the like is readily available.

Feng Xin probably can’t make rice, to be fair. He’s much too stupid for that. Probably thinks himself to be too manly for such womanly duties as ‘cooking’.

…Belatedly, Mu Qing realizes that this all just means he knows Feng Xin kind of well by now, which is low-key a very terrifying thought. It drives some warmth back into his cheek, though, because it does still mean that he’s on good terms with someone. Which is good. He’s found friends. He knows that makes his mother happy, so he’ll try to keep them as friends, which means they can’t ever find out about who he was before this.

For a while, he just quietly watches Feng Xin pet Volleyball, her pressing a little into his chest as if searching for warmth; true, Feng Xin runs quite hot. His hands are always warm, Mu Qing has noticed as much already.

They look peaceful together, even though they’ve only just met.

Mu Qing wonders whether him, Feng Xin, and Xie Lian look like that to some of the kids during breaks at school, or to some of the people in town, too.

Until Xie Lian arrives though, the two are long back to bickering, Volleyball looks at them quite unimpressed, and Xie Lian, carrier in hand, looks much the same way before he’s once more made to break up their fight again.

Chapter 8: Maths&Cats: 7

Notes:

again. the maths teacehr has a name because he's relevant. ahem. anyway!!! hi I'm back!!! here's the new chap!!

Once Xie Lian comes back with the carrier and some clean and fluffy towels for Volleyball that he’d put in it, as well as Ruoye’s old food and water bowls that he put some food into for now, since when carrying her, water might spill over, they try to bait her into it. It takes a whole while, and it only works because Xie Lian also brought treats, since he thought this situation was most likely going to occur.

He wasn’t wrong, seemingly.

Once they’ve locked her up, Volleyball starts meowing like hell about it, and Mu Qing feels very awful. He knows it’s for her best though, so both him and her will survive.

…He just hates the fact her name is Volleyball now.

The three of them eventually walk to Mu Qing’s, since his mother should be back any time soon now anyway, and he at least wants to tell her about Volleyball in case there’s any chance they can keep her.

Every now and then, he looks into the carrier while they walk to make sure she’s still alright, her striped little head poking out. She looks fine, just a little scared and like she doesn’t enjoy being locked up. Mu Qing doesn’t blame her for it, but her heart wrenching meows every now and then do sound a tidbit dramatic.

When they arrive home, Mu Qing’s mom is indeed there.

“Oh!” she says immediately, “a cat! Let me guess, Qing-er, you found it somewhere, and started taking care of it, and now you’re attached?”

“Mom!” he hisses, but he also knows that she’s right about it, and seemingly she knows too. Then, her gaze grows a tiny bit sad.

“You know we won’t be able to keep her, right? Even if we could maybe make it work money-wise apart from vaccination costs and chipping and all of that, the flat’s contract…”

“I know,” Mu Qing mumbles, “I guessed as much, hence I hid her for a little but… Xie Lian helped me capture her.”

“I helped too,” Feng Xin chimes in, but Mu Qing just kind of rolls his eyes at him a little bit.

“No, you didn’t, you stood there uselessly not doing anything.”

“You-“

“Give it a rest,” Xie Lian sighs, but then nods. “Yeah, we helped Mu Qing get her into the carrier, ‘cause we thought it’d probably be the best to surrender her to the shelter for now, since neither me nor Feng Xin can take her in, and I don’t know anyone else right now who could, so… but… well, the shelter is quite far away and there’s not really a bus to there, and Mu Qing wanted to inform you anyway.”

Mu Qing’s mother nods with a short smile at Xie Lian. She really likes Xie Lian in general, Mu Qing thinks, and she also likes Feng Xin a lot. On multiple occasions, she’s expressed just how much she likes the two of them, and what great friends they are to Mu Qing, even though they haven’t known each other for particularly long yet. She isn’t wrong, he thinks.

“Yeah. That was a good decision. Where’s the shelter?”

“You can get there by bus theoretically,” Xie Lian says, “it takes two hours, though, because it’s quite a way from here and you have to change buses a whole lot. I didn’t think that’d be great for the cat, so…”

“We can’t do that,” Mu Qing says, “if she can maybe just stay a night or something…?”

Mu Qing’s mother smiles a bit more at him and ruffles his hair.

“If there’s no other way, that’d be fine, I bet my coworker could drive us tomorrow. I just don’t think it’d be too good, because I feel like catching her again might be… I can try calling her up right now and see if she’s free.”

It’s quite late by now, since catching her took so long. By the time his mom’s coworker could be here if she’s free, it’d be six or later, and driving to the shelter then would probably mean it’s closed already, so either way, that probably isn’t a feasible solution.

“Ah, sorry, I completely forgot I can just ask my mom!” Xie Lian yelps, “I’ll call her right away, she should be off work now. It’s like, a thirty-minute drive by car, so we’d make it in time for the shelter closing and all. Think it’s open till seven. I’ll call her, wait.”

Yeah. Mu Qing’s mom is right. Xie Lian is very sweet, and given that Feng Xin instantly proposes that if Xie Lian’s mom isn’t free, his mom or dad might be, proves that in his own way, he’s kind of sweet, too.

…Although Mu Qing remains very mad about Feng Xin having him called cute earlier.

 

*

 

Fifteen minutes later, Xie Lian’s mother pulls up in their car in front of their apartment complex, with even just a bunch of cake on her that Jun Wu and his boyfriend must’ve made. Considering the fact that it smells and looks really good, Mu Qing thinks that must be right – given that he’s heard Xie Lian’s horror stories about his mom’s food.

“Ah… is it okay if I come with you, if I fit in the car?” Mu Qing’s mother asks, and Xie Lian’s mother immediately nods; the two of them had only met once when Xie Lian’s mom went to pick him up from studying on her way home from shopping, so his mom is acting a little shy, Mu Qing thinks.

“Sure! You fit, no worries. The three of them can sit in the back, you can take the passenger’s seat. I’m a safe driver.”

“No, you’re not,” Xie Lian chides her, “you drove into a pole last week.”

“Okay, but I’ve never run someone over, unlike your brother.”

“Well, that’s Jun Wu,” Xie Lian mutters, “he isn’t exactly the standard, though he’s… calmed down a little now that he’s got a boyfriend, I guess.”

Mu Qing’s mother, who doesn’t know a lot about Xie Lian’s brother, just kind of blinks a little. For a second, Xie Lian’s mom looks a little scared at Xie Lian’s mention that Jun Wu is gay, but obviously Mu Qing’s mother doesn’t exactly make a lot of it, just brushing over it completely.

Mu Qing knows she would never care, not when he of all people is her son.

“But, ahem, yes, you fit in the car, so don’t worry. Make sure not to drop the cat, you three. It’s got a name?”

“Volleyball,” Feng Xin says, “I came up with it, and Mu Qing fucking hates it, so it’s perfect.”

Both the mothers with them just give them a short snort, and then the five of them all climb into the car while Mu Qing silently seethes about Feng Xin’s stupid fucking cat name.

Xie Lian sits down in between them so that the thirty-minute long drive has any chance of being bearable at all, and Mu Qing ends up being the one holding Volleyball’s carrier, opening the top lid enough to be able to pet her a little.

He’s horribly sad about this all anyway. He knows he probably won’t cry until he’s alone again, or at least just with his mom, but it still feels like he might burst into tears any second either way. Not that they have to know that, obviously.

Meanwhile, their mothers totally hit it off, which Mu Qing is quite happy about actually. They chat a little bit about work, and Mu Qing’s mom even seemingly feels comfortable mentioning the fact that the divorce is officially through now, so she at least got some more money from Mu Qing’s father, and that the only thing left now is stripping custody from him completely, because Mu Qing had agreed that he doesn’t want to see this man ever again, and once they have enough money to not have to accept his anymore, they'll put an end to that, too.

“Wait, you hate the guy that much?” Feng Xin asks at it, “what’d he do?”

Xie Lian gives a small click of his tongue, and Mu Qing can see him kick Feng Xin from where they’re sitting next to each other.

Mu Qing can’t tell them that he never accepted him for who he is, that he was the only reason Mu Qing ever grew up as a girl to begin with, that his mother would’ve left him the freedom of just seeing for himself. He can’t tell them that as soon as Mu Qing knew he was a boy, he started screaming and saying and doing awful stuff. He can’t tell them that he’d rejected him for who he is and always has been.

So, all he says in the end, is a very short and clipped “he’s a fucking asshole”.

His mother snorts, a little, and then changes the topic, probably noticing that he doesn’t want to keep talking about this any longer.

“So, parent-teaching conference is almost on, huh? You guys ready for it?”

“Don’t remind me,” Feng Xin sighs, “Mr Wang is going to tell my parents I haven’t even tried the things he’s told me to try because I simply do not care enough.”

“Well, you should care,” Mu Qing spits out, “your grades are going to get worse inevitably. You wanna make Mr Wang sad? Isn’t he way too nice for that?”

“There’s worse students than Feng Xin,” Xie Lian points out, which okay, fine. Mu Qing has to concede on that. That’s true. “But you’re right. It’d probably make Mr Wang sad.”

“I’m glad you guys like that maths teacher so much,” Mu Qing’s mother laughs, “I guess I’m going to see him in two weeks, so I’ll learn what he’s like.”

“He’s a good man. He’s been working at the school for ten years now,” Xie Lian’s mom explains, “once, he got a parent into prison for child abuse, took care of the kid himself for three entire months while the mother was in hospital, and I think he’s still good friends with them- ah, not like that. Just friends, really, like a great uncle. He’s a very nice guy. I haven’t yet met anyone who dislikes him.”

Oh.

That’s really nice of him, Mu Qing thinks. Not everyone would go such lengths for a student. Well, he figures that if he does end up a teacher, he just might, but given no teacher at his previous school seemed to even care about him, let alone his situation at home, that might be an exception.

Kind of, Mu Qing thinks, kind of, that’s really bad. If you’re a teacher, you’ve got responsibility. He feels like that’s kind of a really shitty thing, if teachers don’t actually care about the kids they teach.

So it’s nice to know Mr Wang isn’t just a good teacher, but also a good person.

It’s good to know his maths teacher isn’t just nice for show, he guesses.

Volleyball gives him a short meow as if agreeing, and Mu Qing once more reaches inside to pet her.

The rest of the drive, Feng Xin starts talking about some random stupid basketball match coming up, but Mu Qing doesn’t find it all too bad – it’s distraction enough.

 

*

 

When they arrive, they get out of the car, and Mu Qing carries Volleyball the entire way to the entrance. Lights are still on even if it’s a tiny bit past six at this point. His and Xie Lian’s mothers are still getting along very well and talking all casually as if they’ve known each other for ages. Good to see them hit it off, Mu Qing thinks. He’s happy for his mom, really. Maybe she can find someone better than his father one day, too. Who knows?

Feng Xin runs to the front to hold open the door for him, suddenly deciding to be helpful even though Mu Qing genuinely thinks that he’s just doing it for nice-guy-points or whatever. Still annoying. Feng Xin will never change his mind about that.

Ever.

Still, he gives a tiny, grateful nod when Feng Xin gives him something that seems like an encouraging smile, because even if Mu Qing is a little bitchy, he’d like to think of himself as not a complete bitch.

(He’s learned the word from Feng Xin over the past few months.)

An employee immediately welcomes them; it’s a woman wearing a dark green apron that she takes off upon seeing them, and lazily throws over the chair.

“Hello!” she says, “what can I help you with?”

“…I found a stray,” Mu Qing mumbles, holding Volleyball’s carrier up, “I took care of her for a few days but… we can’t take her in, and none of my friends can, either, so we figured the best thing to do would be taking her here.”

His mother walks up from behind him and softly touches his shoulder, which Mu Qing knows is meant to be as encouraging as Feng Xin’s smile; but it just makes him feel like he’s going to crack any second and start crying, which he really doesn’t want to happen.

Not in front of his friends and Xie Lian’s mom.

“Ah, yes, of course! It’s safer here than on the streets, and we’ve still got some space left. Your mom will have to do some paperwork for us, I’m afraid, but…”

Mu Qing only gives a nod because he really doesn’t feel good about this. If he starts speaking again, he’ll start crying.

So, he stuffs his hand into his pockets while Xie Lian and his mom are quietly talking in the back, having stayed in the entrance as if to give him some space; a memo that Feng Xin seems to have missed completely.

“…Look, you’re usually really annoying,” Feng Xin says, hands also in his pockets, looking at Mu Qing’s mother who gets handed a pen, starting to write away on the few sheets of paper she receives already. “But I can tell you’re attached to her, so I’ll feel sorry for you this once.”

“I don’t need you to feel sorry for me,” Mu Qing snaps.

“Geez, I’m trying to cheer you up,” he sighs, “I know you’re sad, but being snappy isn’t going to help, okay? Let yourself be cheered up. You’re really fickle sometimes.”

“You…! Feng Xin, you’re actually… despicable,” Mu Qing says, turns his back to Feng Xin, and instead crouches down with Volleyball, reaching past the carrier’s grid to scratch her cheek a little.

She’s so warm and soft. Mu Qing is sure that with a little more time, he’d have been able to make her sit on his lap and the like. She seems to like physical contact a lot. He really wants a cat one day. Honestly, he wouldn’t mind a dog either. Jut a pet, to be honest, whatever makes more sense at the time, when he’s an adult.

After a few minutes of Feng Xin just standing behind him, not saying a single thing even though sometimes, Mu Qing can hear him breathe in a way that indicates he might start talking any second, until Mu Qing’s mom is done with paperwork.

“There’s a lot I can’t fill out, given she’s a stray,” she says, “I hope that’s alright.”

“Yes, yes,” the employee says with a smile, “that’s no issue. We have many cases like that, we’ll figure it out. Thank you a lot for the paperwork anyway.”

“No issue at all,” Mu Qing’s mom says, waving her off, and then hesitating for a second before speaking up again. “Say, if she gets adopted, could you maybe let us know, and could you maybe ask her new family to get in contact with us, maybe, even if it’s just for a picture or two?”

“Ah- of course, I can just take your phone number and make a note of it in the system. That’s no problem. A lot of old people surrender their pets when they can no longer take care of them, and we get them in contact with the new owners, so we can just do the same thing here. Just give me your number or mail-address or both, and I’ll make a note of it.”

“Ah, thank you,” Mu Qing’s mom says, shooting Mu Qing a tiny smile now, “that’s a relief. I fear my son’s gotten very attached to her.”

“Right, what’s her name?” the lady at the counter suddenly asks, “unless she doesn’t have one? Of course her new owners might rename her, but…”

Feng Xin snorts and then just straight up starts laughing, right up until Mu Qing steps on his foot. Then, he stops laughing, and instead punches his shoulder.

Mu Qing decides to be the bigger person and takes a step forward when Feng Xin tries to lunge at him again, which ends in him stumbling and barely catching himself. Even Xie Lian laughs at him this time.

“…Volleyball,” Mu Qing presses out from between gritted teeth, “that idiot named her that, don’t blame me.”

“Alright,” the shelter’s employee laughs, “Volleyball it is. That works, we can work with that. It’s a rather unique name indeed.”

“Unique is one way to put it,” Mu Qing says, and the anger overrides the sadness for just a little while, but then he just gets sad when the employee gives a short nod at him and the carrier.

Gulping, Mu Qing reaches for it, and slowly carries Volleyball towards the front desk, knowing that it’s time to say goodbye.

“We’ll take good care of her, I promise,” the woman says, and only then does he notice that his eyes feel all wet and uncomfortable, and next thing he knows, he’s crying after all.

“Goodbye, Volleyball,” he says, but his voice is all broken and higher than usual and he sounds just like that little girl that begged her father to not do this, to stay, told him that she’d leave the family so him and her mother could be happy again, and Mu Qing feels like it right now, too.

He’s sick and tired of having to say goodbye.

“You can just leave her here. We’ll need to check her over and stuff first, so… take all the time you need, okay?”

Mu Qing nods, sniffs, and then looks into the carrier at him. Behind the grid, Volleyball leans over, as if to sniff a little at the tears streaming down his face.

He feels miserable.

Slowly, Mu Qing raises his hand again, petting her with a finger through the grid again, and then deciding that he’ll have to make it quick.

The longer he waits, the more painful it’s going to get. He can just hope that her new owners are going to get in contact with him, and until then, he can take the long bus trip here on weekends or whatever.

“Goodybe, Volleyball,” he says once more, and then straight up just runs out of the shelter before anyone can see him break down.

Clearly, he’d not taken Feng Xin into account, because the guy immediately follows him, even faster than his own mother can.

“Hey, Mu Qing, wait-“

“Leave me alone!” Mu Qing bites back, turning around, watching through the still closing door how Xie Lian and his mother put something into the donation box – money Mu Qing doesn’t really have. He did take the kibble with him, but his mother carried it, so she probably gave it to them.

“Like hell am I going to leave you alone, you’re crying, dude!”

“So what do you care?” Mu Qing spits, facing Feng Xin now, tears or no tears, but Feng Xin isn’t having it this time.

No, instead, the guy just approaches him a tiny bit awkwardly, and puts his hand on his shoulder. It slips towards his back a bit, a weirdly intimate gesture, making Mu Qing feel all small because of how much Feng Xin has grown in the past few months. And then, Feng Xin pulls him against him.

It’s just a split second, just a bump of their bodies against each other’s, really, just a moment of Mu Qing feeling the warmth radiating off Feng Xin, the smell of his stupid 3-in-1 shower products mixed with wet dog, and a tiny amount of time that he spends weirdly aware of Feng Xin as a person in general.

Then, it’s over, but miraculously enough, Mu Qing feels a little better.

Still sad, though. He just wished he could’ve adopted Volleyball to begin with, but he knows that won’t work. He sniffs again, wiping away some of his tears, Feng Xin now standing in front of him like he isn’t quite sure what to do himself after that hug. Then, he reaches into his coat’s pockets and retrieves a crumpled pack of tissues, pulling one out and handing it to Mu Qing.

“Here. Take one. There’s snot about to run into your mouth, and it’s fucking disgusting.”

Mu Qing snatches the tissue from him and takes care of the snot between his nose and mouth or whatever, and then blows it.

For a little, while his mother and the rest of them are starting to walk out of the building, Mu Qing is very tempted to throw the used tissue at Feng Xin, but in the end, he doesn’t manage to go through with it.

Feng Xin is really just trying to comfort him right now, and even if he pisses Mu Qing off a lot, he knows that he really and sincerely means well right now.

“…Thank you,” is everything he manages in the end, a meek little word muttered through the remnants of his tears of having to say goodbye yet again, of not even being allowed to beg this time.

Feng Xin stares at him wide-eyed, like he hadn’t expected that, and stutters back a “you’re… welcome.”

When they all get back in the car, Mu Qing is placed in the middle between Feng Xin and Xie Lian, and they take turns trying to distract him with stupid shit, and that’s probably better than begging for anything to begin with.

Mu Qing isn’t going to die because they saw him cry, he thinks.

Chapter 9: Maths&Cats: 8

Notes:

this chapter has some suicide attempt/self harm implications, and that'll come up again a few times in the future. so, take care! i'll try my best to mention it in every chapter it appears in though!

also this chapter does serve as a reminder that i here and there mention teenagers thinking about sex (. and later with the whole teenage pregnancy DOING sex) but it's like. mentions. but just in case anyone is uncomfy with that - another warnings once more!

It’s not often that Xie Lian gets sick enough that he stays home.

Xie Lian is sick a lot of the time, Mu Qing has noticed. When he’s not sick, he tends to have injuries of some kind, however. His arm has been bandaged up one too many time to count, and his ankles as well. Once before PE class, Mu Qing saw a large band-aid on his leg, asked what that was about, and Xie Lian sheepishly told him and Feng Xin that he had tried cooking and failed the moment he had dropped the knife… in his thigh.

Mu Qing has no words for him anymore, sincerely. Just last week, he had sprained his ankle when going ice skating with the two of them, Mu Qing and him having the same size, so Xie Lian lent him one of his two pairs of skates (rich people), and Feng Xin had his own (rich people, again).

But for him to stay home from school about it is seldom. After all, he still participated in PE after dropping a knife into his thigh on accident once.

Mu Qing really doesn’t know what to say.

So, when Mr Wang sees that Xie Lian hasn’t shown up for class, and during break, Feng Xin and Mu Qing receive the text in their group chat that he’s sorry, he’s caught a really bad flu, he really can’t go, Mu Qing gets told by his maths teacher that he should maybe take the homework to him so he can catch up on it whenever he’s better, and if not, then not.

Because he’s more reliable than Feng Xin, and Feng Xin might either lose the homework, or just forget to take it to Xie Lian in first place.

It’s four in the afternoon when Mu Qing finally makes his way over to Xie Lian after quickly visiting Volleyball’s new owners for the third time this month. They’re nice people.

Funnily enough, a gay couple, which they mentioned in the message they immediately sent Mu Qing’s mother upon adopting her. They’ve got a dog too, and Volleyball gets along with him very well, so Mu Qing now knows she’s in good hands.

He's probably going to go back next week again, especially since one of them offered to show him how to cook a dish Mu Qing hasn’t ever tried to make, so he could surprise his mom with it.

He’s very happy Volleyball got such good owners, and that Mu Qing can be friends with them like this.

It’s going to get dark outside soon, he thinks when he finally rings the doorbell. The days have been getting longer again, but in an hour and a half, it’s most definitely going to be dark. Depending on how long he stays, he might end up having to walk home in the dark.

Whatever. Nothing new to him.

The door opens after quite some time has already passed, and in it is Jun Wu, not Xie Lian.

“Hi, Mu Qing,” he says, but Mu Qing very quickly finds the whole thing awkward. He grasps at the tote bag slung around his shoulders that contains Xie Lian’s homework a little harder, his black gloves making a soft sound at the motion.

“Uh… I’m here to check on Xie Lian, and bring him his homework, if that’s okay?”

“Hm, sure, come in. I don’t think he can do homework right now, but maybe tomorrow or another day.”

Mu Qing gives a mechanic little nod and steps out of his winter shoes to line them up with Xie Lian’s and Jun Wu’s, then steps into the house properly.

When he’s greeted by Ruoye (especially so shortly after seeing Volleyball), he can’t help but give a little shriek of glee, and pet her before he even considers doing anything else. In the end, though, he has to part from her, and Jun Wu leads him to the living room.

Immediately, he sees why Xie Lian stayed home.

He’s half sitting with a bowl of soup in front of him, his feet wrapped in cold towels, presumably to bring the fever down, his hair tousled and sticking to his sweaty forehead. He loudly slurps a bunch of noodles and hurries to swallow them before he gives a large sneeze and then a big sniff, already grabbing a tissue that he heartily blows into before throwing it into the plastic bag next to him with a sigh.

Yeah.

It’s good he stayed home.

“Ah, Mu Qing,” he croaks out, but even his voice is an entire mess, “wait, Jun Wu, could you maybe get us both masks, Mu Qing really doesn’t need whatever the hell I have…”

Good point.

Mu Qing does, in fact, not need whatever the hell Xie Lian has, so he waits in the door as Jun Wu disappears to their storage room for a second, and comes back with two blue surgical masks. Mu Qing very readily puts one of them on while Xie Lian does the same.

“Alright,” he mumbles, “hopefully that’s going to be enough.”

“Hm,” Mu Qing agrees, “I’m not going to ask you how you are, because you’re not well.”

Xie Lian’s laugh in response sounds very miserable.

“No, I’m not, but I’ve been at the doctor’s, and it’s just the flu, so I’ve just gotta get through it now. The meds help a little, though.”

“That’s good,” Mu Qing comments, sitting down with a good bit of distance between them. His mom and him are some of these people who will always wear masks while sick, while Feng Xin for example was just sneezing all of his viruses and bacteria around the room some weeks ago when he’d had the common cold. He’d also acted like it was going to kill him.

Sadly, to Mu Qing’s utter regret, it didn’t.

“I just… this is maths homework. And chemistry. Both teachers said you don’t have to do it if you can’t, they trust you to catch up on your own time. You’re probably not going to come back this week, right?”

“Doctor’s note says I can’t, nope,” Xie Lian sighs, letting his chopsticks sink into the steaming bowl now that he’s got a mask on and can barely eat like this anymore. “It’s fine, as soon as I feel a little better, I’ll want to do something. Watching TV all day really isn’t for me, and my eyes kind of hurt, so reading also doesn’t work.”

Yeah, Mu Qing doesn’t like being sick because it makes him feel very unproductive, which isn’t nice given that he’s usually a very productive person.

“I know what it’s like. The flu sucks. Please just… take care, alright? You don’t… you don’t have to, uh… do your homework or whatever.”

Mu Qing isn’t very good with words, and he’s still not very good at showing affection specifically. He tries, he really does, but it doesn’t come natural to him at all, no matter how much he tries to improve this. It’s probably about time to give up, sometime soon.

“Hm. I know. But I’ll want to do something.”

“I… don’t want to keep you from eating,” Mu Qing stutters, “the soup looks good.”

He’s trying so, so desperately to make conversation, but truth is also that it’s usually the three of them, not just him and Xie Lian. So now, all of a sudden, it feels very awkward.

“Hm, no, it’s fine, please don’t worry about it. I’m not that hungry, and I’m grateful enough my brother made me that soup to begin with, so… even cold, I’d still appreciate it, so it’s alright.”

Jun Wu made it for him? He’s seemed weirdly docile recently, compared to whatever the hell he was on about when Mu Qing had just moved here.

God, it’s already been so strangely long. He’s gotten so used to living here.

At this point, even his father has faded from his memory. He hasn’t interacted with him ever since he left their home to be with his new girlfriend or whatever; Mu Qing doesn’t really know, and he doesn’t want to know, if he’s honest.

But it’s been enough time for him to forget the humiliation of it all just a little, the biting remarks, the way his father looked at him with such scorn in his eyes.

It’s been long enough for him to have found friends, with Xie Lian even being somewhat similar to him, even if Mu Qing is probably worse. He’s not one nor the other.

He doesn’t like it, still.

He doesn’t think he’ll ever like it. Every time they change during PE class, he just hopes no one is going to notice. He’s letting Xie Lian and Feng Xin assume that he’s just insecure about his body or whatever.

It’s not wrong; it’s just that ‘insecure’ really doesn’t cut it.

“You should eat it while it’s still warm, though,” Jun Wu suddenly comments, walking in with a glass of tea that’s undoubtedly mint, given the smell of it assaulting Mu Qing’s nostrils as he walks past him. “It’ll be good for your throat”

“Ha, I know, but it’s been such a boring day, and I miss being at school…”

“No, you have to rest,” Jun Wu says very firmly, and with something that’s almost concern in his voice. Xie Lian blinks at him at that too. “Mu Qing, I don’t want to kick you out, but don’t stay too long, alright? You also just don’t want to catch this.”

“…No, I don’t, you’re right,” Mu Qing says.

Jun Wu puts the cup down in front of Xie Lian, and then announces he’s going to quickly head to the store and buy ice cream for Xie Lian’s throat.

Not long after, his keys rustle as he puts them into the pocket, and the front door clicks shut.

“Ah… don’t take him by his word so much, he’s also glad you came to visit.”

“No, it’s fine. I should get going anyway. I still have to do my own homework and all. Was at Volleyball’s.”

“Oh, right, the new owners. Take me there when I’m recovered again, alright?”

“Y-yes,” Mu Qing stutters, and watches as Xie Lian takes his mask down just once to get some more noodles into his mouth. His sleeve slides down a little, and once more, there’s a bandage wrapped around his arm; a little thicker than usual, and a little tighter. Mu Qing has long learned not to even ask anymore.

“I really appreciate you coming here though, mind you,” Xie Lian suddenly laughs, “I’ve felt so lonely all day. I mean- Jun Wu was with me so it was better. He skipped school to take care of me and all.”

“He’s weirdly nice,” Mu Qing comments.

“Hmm, I know, but it also feels very sincere, somehow. Like he actually and really cares. I think Mei Nianqing must’ve had a go at him a few times about it, or something. I guess having a boyfriend made him soft. Not that it’s a bad thing, obviously. It’s a good thing, if anything. I’m glad he’s found someone he likes enough to become a better person.”

Not having a single clue as to what the hell he’s meant to say to that, Mu Qing decides to stay silent. He doesn’t do love. Mu Qing has long decided he will never do love. It isn’t that he isn’t interested in it, because somehow, he is. He wants to know what it’s like to hold hands with a boy he likes (because by now, he at least knows he doesn’t like girls that way). He wonders what kissing is like. He wonders what some other stuff is like, but that’s where the problem really begins. No one can love him the way he is.

No one could ever love his body.

His personality isn’t much better though.

So, he won’t do ‘love’, or whatever. It’s for the better for everyone involved. Not like he could ever trust the other person, anyway – they’d probably just think him to be something weird and be with him out of a strange amazement for weird stuff, or whatever. Like people who keep exotic animals. Not that he’d ever voice these thoughts. His mother seems to know enough, though, because she’s told him that maybe he should consider therapy before, but Mu Qing isn’t sure he likes the idea of it, so he’s always told her no.

He doesn’t have to like his body in order to live.

He can be on his own, and have friends here and there, like Xie Lian and Feng Xin (somehow even him). That’s going to be enough. He isn’t expecting much more from life.

He loves his mom.

That’s enough, really. If she’s with him for as long as she can be.

“…Mu Qing, really. Thank you for coming by today. Feng Xin is busy, I’m assuming?”

“Hm,” Mu Qing makes affirmatively, “Mister Wang told me to take homework to you, because Feng Xin is unreliable as hell. So it’s me. But that idiot also said he’s got practice and that he’s gotta go to the vet with Basketball for some kind of check-up, and his parents can’t do it because they’re busy. So, he couldn’t come.”

“I see… tell him to come by one of these days, even if just for five minutes, I’ll get bored out of my mind. Don’t misunderstand me, I like my brother. Now that he’s nice to me, anyway. But I miss you guys, and I’ve only been home for a day. Even better if he brings Basketball. Ruoye’s been with me most of the day, but I guess she’s got enough, so she’s just strolling around the house.”

“Yeah, I saw her when I came in,” Mu Qing responds, “I’ll let Feng Xin know, though. Not sure the idiot won’t just forget again. I’ll try my best to remind him.”

That gets a small laugh out of Xie Lian.

“Alright, Mu Qing, it’s probably better you don’t spend much more time here and catch my disease. And Jun Wu’s right, I should probably eat the soup while it’s still warm enough. But thank you for coming by.”

“Yes, I’ll come back again one of these days, too. Take you more homework and stuff.”

Given the slightly amused glint in Xie Lian’s eyes, Mu Qing has the strong feeling that he knows he’s probably also just missing him already.

“Yep, thanks, you’re always welcome here too, obviously.”

Somehow, Mu Qing even believes him. He’s not felt welcomed by anyone but his mom, throughout his entire life, but when Xie Lian takes his mask back down to eat more noodles, and there’s a soft little smile on his face, Mu Qing really and sincerely believes him.

He doesn’t know how to express it in words, but Xie Lian is always welcome with him, too.

Chapter 10: Maths&Cats: 9

Notes:

some more suicide attempt mentions in this, take care! short A/Ns thuis time cuz I'm petting my cat with the other hand and I'm afraid she's more important. ASDFGHJKL

It takes a while for Mu Qing to get himself together again. He walks through town a bit, just enjoying the evening air, even if it’s absolutely freezing cold. It’ll be spring soon, though, he thinks. Any day now, and it’ll get warmer. Mu Qing doesn’t hate winter, and he only really hates summer, if he’s honest. Winter is fine.

It’s just that it’s very cold.

In the end, he settles on a random bench in the park, checking his phone to see that it’s only six. It’s dark now, but he still has some time, and if he doesn’t stay out past seven, his mom won’t be all too worried. He can just text her where he is, also, and she’ll be fine with it.

Xie Lian seemed weird.

The thing is, Mu Qing has a weird feeling as to what happened. Well, obviously he has the flu. He’s not acting out that nose or throat or cough or whatever, he knows as much.

But… the bandages on his arm didn’t sit right with him, and the way Xie Lian thanked him for having come there didn’t either.

Clearly, Xie Lian didn’t want to tell, so Mu Qing is going to do the same thing – he isn’t going to ask, he’s going to play nice abou tit, he’s not going to make any assumptions and just leave it all be.

If this is something Xie Lian doesn’t want to talk about, then he has reasons for it.

He’s alive and fine and seemed okay, and he was eating the soup his brother had made him, and said he was going to do his homework.

Mu Qing is going to accept this and try his hardest not to think about this any further.

It’s just easier said than done.

The thought of what might have happened rattles him a little.

He breathes out and then sucks in another breath, get the cold air to really fill his lungs.

It’s not like Mu Qing never considered just disappearing, but every single time, he couldn’t help but think that this is something he couldn’t possibly do to his mom.

Just because Mu Qing doesn’t understand why his mom loves him, doesn’t mean it isn’t true. He doubts everyone else, but there’s no way he could possibly doubt his mother.

His mom loves him.

Not even someone like Mu Qing could ever believe otherwise.

It's just that Xie Lian always seems so chipper and in a good mood, and Mu Qing really isn’t sure whether he’s just overthinking it. All he can hope is that he’s either wrong, or that Xie Lian is going to be okay from here on out, or that he’s getting help or whatever. Mu Qing himself doesn’t believe in ‘therapy’, but maybe Xie Lian does.

He’s just going to hope.

He gives another glance at his phone, and sees a message from his mom, that she’s going to have to do half an hour of overtime, but she’ll still be the one making dinner if he’s okay with it being a little later.

Mu Qing doesn’t really mind. He still has his homework, after all.

“Mu Qing? What the fuck are you doing here?” suddenly comes a voice, and Mu Qing flinches, being torn out from his kind of grim thoughts.

In front of him stands Feng Xin, his thick olive-green coat hanging open, earbuds dangling from his ears, lazily holding Basketball’s leash.

Well, at least Basketball appears to be just fine, and the vet didn’t have much negative to say, from the looks of it. That’s good enough.

“Uh…” Mu Qing starts, still a bit too stunned to talk to him.

Hell, has Feng Xin always been that tall? He’s definitely grown ever since they’ve met, Mu Qing is sure. Feng Xin is taller than him now, and with ease at that. In general he looks much more adult, like puberty hit him like a train in the face or something, while Mu Qing feels like he looks barely even twelve years old, let alone thirteen. And he’s turning fourteen in not too much time, also.

Next to him, especially when he’s sitting and Feng Xin isn’t, he feels small, and it makes him feel weirdly warm, and also very, very irritated.

So, when he next speaks up, it comes out as a very annoyed ‘what do you want’?

Feng Xin blinks at him a few times while Basketball goes to greet him. Absentmindedly, Mu Qing ruffles his ears with both hands.

“No, what the hell are you doing here, just sitting here in the park alone?”

“I was at Xie Lian’s, and now scram, I was having a peaceful evening till you barged in. Leave me alone.”

“Geez, always such a prissy cat, not even Ruoye on a bad day compares to you,” Feng Xin grumbles, but sits down next to Mu Qing anyway, like he’s trying to get a rise out of him at this point, doing the exact opposite of what Mu Qing wished he would do.

(Deep down, he’s well aware that he just wants to talk to someone, and if that someone is Feng Xin, he might just be okay with that.)

“How was he?”

“Weird,” Mu Qing answers honestly, because it doesn’t feel like he should lie about Xie Lian in any way. He’s their mutual friend. When it comes to him, they can have something like a truce, Mu Qing thinks.

“Weird, how? He isn’t sick?”

“No, no, he totally is. It’s the flu,” Mu Qing clarifies, “but his wrist is bandaged, and he acted all weird, saying he was happy to see me and all.”

“Yeah, being happy to see you is, in fact, weird. You’re right about that.”

“Goddamnit, Feng Xin, I’m trying to be serious!”

“Well, I don’t get what the big deal is. Probably just hurt himself on accident again or whatever. It happens. The other day, I stubbed my toe on a comic and I limped the entire weekend.”

“Such dumb shit would certainly only happen to you. Why was the comic even on the floor?” Mu Qing asks, and Feng Xin only gives him a short shrug.

“I was still reading it. Eh, Xie Lian’s probably fine.”

“I’m not sure he is,” Mu Qing sighs, “he thanked me for being there. He wants you to come around by the way. I don’t get why anyone would want such a thing, but he made me pass on the message, you.”

“I’ll check on him tomorrow. You’re probably overthinking, Mu Qing. Calm down. He just gets a little sad sometimes.”

Mu Qing isn’t sure whether that cuts it.

“Keep in mind he only moved rather recently, too. He must miss his friends and all, even if he’s got us now, I guess. Probably especially now that he’s sick. Don’t overthinking it. Or ask him.”

Still, the fact that even Feng Xin caught on to Xie Lian being weirdly sad should be bad enough. On the other hand though, he isn’t exactly wrong. He’s ought to stop overthinking it, or at least ask him.

Xie Lian didn’t want to talk about it, so he can’t ask.

With that, it’s probably over.

If Xie Lian ever wants to talk about whatever happened today, he can do it whenever he so pleases. Mu Qing is going to listen to him, and he’ll know that if anyone understands, it’d be him. At least in parts, because he’d never…

“How long have you been out? Your nose is all red,” Feng Xin laughs, and even fucking raises his hand to poke Mu Qing’s nose, all casually.

Mu Qing shrinks back from his touch – much like a cat that you’re about to pet but that tries escaping your hand by leaning away from it and becoming a weird, concave shape for a little while – and lets out a very loud click of his tongue.

“What do you think you’re doing, Feng Xin?”

“You do look almost cute like that, somehow. Red nose and all. You know that reindeer movie? Rudolph or whatever?”

“I don’t, and I don’t think I want to talk to a stupid idiot like you any longer,” Mu Qing declares, getting up and nearly tripping over Basketball’s tail on the way.

He tells himself it’s the anger, and not that weird feeling that boiled up inside of him upon Feng Xin calling him ‘cute’.

Mu Qing knows better than to make something out of such momentary things.

“Huh? Mu Qing, wait, surely you’re not thinking of just leaving?”

“I’ve been out long enough for my nose to be red, or whatever,” he says, sarcasm dripping from his voice, “so yes, I’m going home now. As should you, or else your geriatric dog is going to freeze to death, he’s shaking.”

“My geri- what does that word even mean?” Feng Xin stutters in response, quickly standing up from the bench and starting to follow Mu Qing from behind, quickly catching up to him because he’s too damned tall. “Look, I know you’re gonna go home, good idea before you freeze to death, but it’s dark as hell, so I’m coming with you.”

At that, Mu Qing’s heart stops, and he turns around to finally meet Feng Xin’s gaze, which is full of actual genuine concern.

Just almost, Mu Qing would be touched.

He isn’t, though.

“What? You think I’m some maiden that can’t take care of herself, or what? I’m a guy, Feng Xin.”

“Yes, so what? You’re a dainty guy and if someone only looked at you once, they might think you’re a girl. Also, girls aren’t the only ones who get creeps following them all the time, so I’m coming with you. All you do every day is study, study, and study, I have more muscles to fend of creeps.”

“I don’t need you to fend off creeps!” Mu Qing shouts, Basketball trying desperately to jump his legs until Mu Qing, gritting his teeth, leans back down to pet him again.

He’s too damned cute. If only his owner was a more sensible person and not such an utter buffoon like Feng Xin. Not that the poor dog would even be aware of that. If anything, Basketball really resembles Feng Xin, undying loyalty and pure stupidity and everything included.

The only difference is that Basketball is very cute and fluffy, and Feng Xin is neither cute, nor is he fluffy anywhere but on his head. Well, even that, Mu Qing doesn’t know. It’s not like he’s ever ruffled his hair or whatever, because he hasn’t. He has better things to do in life than touch Feng Xin of all people.

“I bet you can beat someone up if you want, to be fair. Driven by pure anger and spite,” Feng Xin comments, “well, I’m walking you home anyway. It’s safer for me too, if there’s two of us, and I live close enough. Besides, if your mom’s home, I might get some dinner.”

“I’ll tell her that you’re the creep, and then she might just hit you with the frying pan."

Feng Xin gives him a laugh at that, and Mu Qing kind of has to fight off the smile on his lips about it. Sadly, though, Feng Xin spots it and gives him a large grin.

“There we go, not as feisty anymore. Just let me walk you home, alright? Who cares about who needs fending off from whom? We’d take the same damned route anyway, so I might as well go home now. Like you said, Basketball’s cold anyway, and probably exhausted from his appointment.”

Strangely happy about the change of topic, Mu Qing finally gets to ask whether the dog is fine, or whether he’s going to have to prepare for Basketball dying sometime soon. He doesn’t, and soon enough, they fall into their usual rhythm of a conversation equally casual and equally awkward about this and that. Basketball first, then Volleyball, then Jun Wu’s kind of creepy behaviour. What Mu Qing’s mom is cooking tonight, and Feng Xin once more just deciding to invite himself over, since his parents won’t be home until later, and he’s already had one of his disgusting sandwiches today.

It goes from topic to topic, both flowing like they’ve known each other for years, but also stunted by them constantly trying to rile each other up and get the other to get angry first.

Mu Qing finds, that his worry for Xie Lian still outweighs his other emotions, though. In fact, Feng Xin staying over for dinner might just raise Mu Qing’s mood, and he can just do his homework with Feng Xin there. They do that often enough.

In the end, the two of them arrive in front of Mu Qing’s door, so he grabs his keys; however, it’s then that his mom is already calling out to him from across the street.

Mu Qing turns around, and sees her waving, quickly crossing the street once it’s free, and then also greeting Feng Xin excitedly.

“Oh, A-Xin! It’s been over a week since I’ve last seen you, hasn’t it? And Basketball’s with you, too?”

“Yep! Good day to you! Or good evening, I suppose? Say, I walked Mu Qing home, so I get to stay over for dinner, right?”

Immediately, Mu Qing kicks his leg. Hard. To the point Feng Xin winces and glares at him, partly in disbelief, partly in anger.

“Don’t be rude. Mom, you don’t have to say yes. In fact, please don’t, and let him starve. I didn’t need anyone to walk me home to begin with. He’s just trying to get free food.”

“It’s not about money, I promise,” Feng Xin interrupts him, and Mu Qing’s mother just gives a hearty laugh.

“I know, I know, I mean, you’ve got much more of it than us. It’s alright, you can have dinner with us. Your parents aren’t home?”

“Not till really late,” Feng Xin says, and even gives her a little bow of gratitude. Stupidly formal. He’s stupid as a whole.

Mu Qing sincerely hates him.

Except, when he’s standing there like that, a large boyish grin on his face that reaches over both of his ears, looking like he might explode from happiness just getting to have some warm food…

He doesn’t look all too different from Volleyball. Or his own dog.

“We don’t have dog food, though, I’m afraid,” Mu Qing’s moms says, as if reading Mu Qing’s thoughts. She holds onto her bag so it doesn’t fall down while she leans down and starts petting Basketball’s head, who breathes a little heavier at it.

Probably a good sign.

Mu Qing still has trouble reading dogs’ body language.

“It’s alright, he’ll survive. Just a bit of water will do for now, really. I’ll just have to head home straight after dinner. So, I can come up with you guys?”

“Yes, and thank you for walking Qing-er home.”

“I don’t need walking home, mom!” Mu Qing says, grabbing his keys and unlocking the main door of the apartment complex before she can – she’s got her hands full with her bag, and probably also with Basketball in a second, if he keeps looking at her like he wants to jump into her arms.

His old, geriatric body probably can’t do that, though.

“Yes, you do need walking home. Too pretty, some creep might-“

“Who are you calling pretty?” Mu Qing shrieks, because honest to god, he isn’t entirely sure what Feng Xin is on about lately, calling him ‘cute’ and ‘pretty’. Obviously he isn’t trying to flirt with him or whatever. It’s Feng Xin. Feng Xin is into girls. Feng Xin is not into Mu Qing.

…And Mu Qing is also not into Feng Xin because he has a significantly higher amount of braincells than him and he would rather die than ever date this man.

Why is he thinking about this to begin with?

For a moment, he shakes himself, and then makes the most disgusted face he possibly can, which is very warranted in his opinion.

“Never. And I repeat. Never call me that again, or else I’m going to kick your crotch so hard your balls fall off.”

“Language, Qing-er.”

“Mom, please, you never complain when Feng Xin is the one to use such language!”

Finally, his mom, Basketball, and the hairy beast they call ‘Feng Xin’ (why has he gotten so hairy anyway?) step into the damned house, so Mu Qing can close the door behind him.

“Well, he isn’t my son, so it’s not my right to educate him like that.”

“I hope your parents wash your mouth with soap one of these days,” Mu Qing scoffs, and kicks Feng Xin again. This time, he just kind of walks on undeterred, like he doesn’t care for Mu Qing, but only for Mu Qing’s mom’s food.

Which… fine. Mu Qing can’t blame him for that. His mother’s food is very good, after all.

He can tolerate Feng Xin for another night. Maybe. Not necessarily.

He’s going to try his best not to kill him over dinner.

(And maybe, just maybe, he’s actually a little touched by Feng Xin being so worried about him that he decided to walk him home. Sometimes, Mu Qing does feel unsafe doing that in the dark, because he knows he doesn’t look like the most masculine man out there, even though he’s gone on a low dose of testosterone by now, since his body doesn’t seem to be doing a lot of that on its own. With Feng Xin, he felt safe.

So, he won’t kill him.

No today, at least.)

Chapter 11: Maths&Cats: 10

Notes:

i forgot. to upload yesterday i am so sorry jfdahgdakgj in my defense i'm in the throes of anxiety waitign on being accepted into seminars because in germany u gotta properly apply n shit and it's low key exhausting af and the semester is starting in a little over 2 weeks, and I'm mentally preparing myself to send like a thousand fuckign e-mails to profs to let me into their fucking seminars so haaaaaaaah excuse me lmao I'm trying to stay sane over here HDFAGJK (also I'm sorry but 100 applicants on 25 spaces when the room has 40 seats? like I'm sorry but lol what kinda pisstake is that KJAHFGJK)
(also one of them says "pending" and also "current attempt 1" so i'm assumign I'm in??? because it usually only says which attempt of the class it is when you're accepted??? but why is it saying "pending" then??? I'm gonna go insaaaaaane lmfao)

Mu Qing is mildly anxious when he gets home because his mother said that she has to tell him something when he’s home from school. Usually, he’d go to Xie Lian’s over for studying – Xie Lian is okay again. Mu Qing has made sure of that. It’s been half a year ever since he was so weird, and he did later learn that apparently, Xie Lian did then go look for a therapist, so the thing he thought happened probably did happen. But he’s okay now. He’s fine.

On top of that, they haven’t been at Feng Xin’s for a while, because they’re renovating. Feng Xin’s room too, apparently, because he’s thirteen now, and he apparently didn’t want a baby-blue room with a bunch of dinosaurs on his walls anymore.

Honestly, Mu Qing though the childish looks of it quite suited him, but his mother just commented it with a little wink and said “well, you know, Feng Xin might have a girl over soon or something”.

Mu Qing doesn’t think that will happen. Not because Feng Xin isn’t into girls, because that’s a straight guy if he’s ever seen one, but because no girl would voluntarily go home with Feng Xin.

Or at least no sane girl.

He deposits his bag in the entrance while he takes off his shoes.

“I’m home, mom!” he shouts through the hallway, and his mother acknowledges it with a little hum. Even before he makes his way into the kitchen, he can already hear her clanging some pots and everything, probably loading his plate with food.

Sitting down at the table, Mu Qing immediately tries to give her a smile despite his anxiety at whatever the hell she wants to tell him, and starts eating once she tells him to.

At first, she just lets him. In the end, it’s Mu Qing’s anxiety that takes over and make him ask.

“So, what did you want to tell me?” he asks, and his mother gives a very uncharacteristic shy little laugh, like she isn’t sure where to start.

And, really, Mu Qing can guess from this alone. She must’ve found someone else. He was hoping that’d happen, because his mother deserves it, at any rate. He isn’t sure it’ll work with him, because of course Mu Qing will still need to make sure that whatever man she fell for is worth it, and that he deserves her. He’s also not sure how he’d feel about someone starting to live with them again, but if it’s to make his mother happy, then what can he say?

Wouldn’t that be everything that counts?

Mu Qing could shove all of his uncomfortableness down if it’s for his mom, he’s sure.

Unless the guy is a prick or whatever.

Except… the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he hasn’t actually thought about it. He’d only considered some kind of perfect dream outcome, one where Mu Qing’s mother would find someone who would just magically know about what kind of disgusting person Mu Qing is, or he’d imagine a scenario where he doesn’t exist to begin with.

Has Mu Qing really thought this through?

A stranger living in their home. Maybe they’ll even move again, one day, and he’ll get torn away from Xie Lian and Feng Xin. Surely, his mom wouldn’t move far, right? But even apart from that, this might still mean a random man who would one day inevitably learn about him. You can’t share a living space with someone and hide the fact from them that every now and then – not monthly by any means, though maybe that’ll adjust itself, Mu Qing’s doctor isn’t sure – bleeds and has to own some hygienic products and everything.

Of course, some people are fine with it, but…

How could he trust that?

What if that person would only act like it’s fine, but despise him deep inside?

He lets his chopsticks sink and nods at his mom, as if to encourage her.

He’s probably catastrophizing, and it’ll all be fine. His mom wouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t accept him, he thinks. Mu Qing doesn’t hold himself very high, but he knows his mom does. But, well. People lie.

His father lied for certain.

Mu Qing is just going to hope the new guy doesn’t.

“So… the last few times I told you I was going out with friends, I mean, that wasn’t exactly wrong! I tried my best not to lie to you! But, uhm… I may have gone on a few dates afterwards…”

Yeah, this is going exactly where he was already thinking it was going to go.

“That’s okay,” he says, hoping he isn’t stuttering, and that he comes across as calm as he’s trying to, “I know you wouldn’t lie to me maliciously or whatever.”

“Y-yeah,” his mother says, fiddling a little with the strings of the dark red hoodie she’s wearing, “so, uhm, these dates were all with the same person. We got along rather well, so one thing led to another… well. We’re not going to make it properly official yet. We’re both a little older by now, so we’re just going to take our time. But, I mean, I just kind of wanted to let you know that I’m seeing someone.”

He’s not used to seeing his mother so nervous. He’s seen her crying and being unable to stop doing so, when his father left. He’s seen her angry and screaming at him, and he’s seen her being stone-cold in court when she was trying to get custody of him that his father didn’t even fight for; but he’s never seen her nervous and this giddy.

This much like a teenager.

Mu Qing finds that the realization that your parents aren’t just your parents, but also their own people is weirdly hard to come around to.

“…Yes, I’m glad,” he says, because no matter what, he’s still not sure how he’s meant to react to all of that.

If it isn’t yet completely official, it might not necessarily go anywhere, which would probably be the best outcome for Mu Qing. Just not for his mom. He doesn’t like having to juggle these two things.

It’s fine. Somehow, he’s going to manage not letting on all the things that are wrong with him. As long as this person makes his mother happy, Mu Qing is going to be okay with it and do his best not to let himself get in the way of her happiness.

He’s already taken so much from her.

He doesn’t have to take this from her, too.

“Do I know him?” he asks in the end, because that’s probably a valid question to ask.

His mother seems rather relieved that this is his reaction, and yeah, Mu Qing guesses that showing interest in his mom’s life is probably the right way to go.

He can do that.

“Ah… yeah, you do.”

Okay. That rules out all guys Mu Qing doesn’t know, which is a lot. Mu Qing doesn’t know a lot of people. In this town, he knows their neighbours (both in this building and the next few buildings), Xie Lian’s and Feng Xin’s families, the couple that adopted Volleyball (still going strong now, and Mu Qing still visits her at least once a week), and his teachers, obviously. He also knows some of the people from the local basketball club that Feng Xin sometimes hangs out with, even if most of them are in college, university, or working already. He also knows some people from the soup kitchen, because his mother started helping out there on weekends, and when she didn’t have as much to do at work. Sometimes, Mu Qing tags along, when school allows him to.

“Who is it? A neighbour? Someone from charity?”

“Ah… I’m afraid not,” she says, and the relief that was written over her face washes away again. “Uh… your homeroom teacher. Mister Wang. Well, I guess I know him as Haoran by now, but…”

His teacher.

His mother is dating his maths teacher.

Mu Qing’s mother is dating his maths teacher.

For a while, Mu Qing’s mind just processes. His maths teacher. That’s his maths teacher. Homeroom teacher, even, who he sees basically every day. Yes, he’d know him. That man is, in fact, a person he would know.

Mu Qing likes him, that really isn’t the question. He’s a good man. Turns out he didn’t just take in that one kid, but that he’s got a good track record of just… being a nice person. Apparently, he used to help out at the soup kitchen, too, for a long while. He only stopped going because it apparently got too much on him, work-wise, since he’s also the first person who gets substitute lessons at their school, and the next school over when there’s a need for him.

He's a nice person.

That really isn’t the issue.

No – the issue is that even the nicest people do not always accept someone like Mu Qing. If it was a random man, he might still be able to accept it, but he isn’t. That’s his maths teacher, his homeroom teacher, who knows every single other teacher at his school, and also a bunch of students. And for all that’s worth, Mu Qing can’t trust him entirely, not with something like that.

If he learns of this, he very much would have the power to destroy his entire life all over again, and Mu Qing really, really can’t have that.

Maybe it makes him egoistical. Maybe it makes him a shitty person, but even though he loves and appreciates his mother, he also just wants to live himself.

Mu Qing doesn’t want it all to go to shit again, and if it does, he isn’t sure what he’d do.

Mu Qing doesn’t want to die.

Maybe Xie Lian six months ago really didn’t help this fear of his. It’s not that Mu Qing wants to die or anything. In fact, despite it all, despite his body and the fact he was a social outcast until he met Xie Lian and Feng Xin – and still kind of is if you disregard those two – he still really, really wants to live. As long as he can work and live on his own one day, or stay with his mom, have a cat or two or three, he’ll be just fine. Help others, maybe, do some charity work on the side. Make sure he earns enough money to donate some of it here and there.

Help kids like him who didn’t have at least one parent to support them.

But.

But.

Mu Qing is acutely aware he’s at the very least depressed, even if he’s good at hiding it. He’s acutely aware that this bit of peace he’s built himself in this town is hanging on by a thread, and that thread is no one knowing about him. And if anyone has the power to cut that and destroy his friendships that he’s so painstakingly built over the past months, nearly a year now, then that would be Mister Wang.

And they’re already on given name basis.

Frankly, Mu Qing hadn’t even known his given name.

There’s only one thing he can say, breathlessly, and given the shock in his mom’s expression, his façade must be failing, and he probably looks just as anxious as he feels right now.

Mu Qing, below the table, food long forgotten, grabs onto his own pants for dear life, his fists trembling as the grasp the rough cloth of them.

“You haven’t told him about me, have you?”

“Huh?” his mother makes, and stands up immediately to go kneel down next to him, wrapping an arm around him, and pulling him towards her a bit. “No, no, don’t worry. I mean, he knows you’re my son, and he knows that I have full custody of you, and I explained that your father is… not a good person, and that he’s cheated on me, and that he wasn’t nice to you. But I haven’t gone into detail. If you want me to tell him, I will. If you want to tell him yourself, you can. If you don’t want to at all, that’s okay, too. Qing-er, you know I wouldn’t do that without asking you for permission, right?”

Theoretically, he knows, so he nods. He knows this is only fear talking. He knows he’s just scared and terrified, and it’s making him irrational when usually he’s anything but.

It’s just that this is a lot on him, and if he one day inevitably comes over, Mu Qing will have to do his absolute best to hide. He’ll have to make sure he definitely knows when he’s here to put away the testosterone in the bathroom, and the pads that aren’t his moms (however Mr Wang could tell these apart, but whatever). He’ll have to make very sure that the small intersex flag sticker his mom gave him the other day is hidden well enough, and that the small trans flag he owns is tucked safely into a place he can’t possibly find.

“Don’t tell him,” he says, “I don’t want him to know. At all.”

“…Okay. That’s okay. We’ll do whatever you’re comfortable with, Qing-er, so stop worrying so much, okay? Besides, I don’t think he’d take it badly. He isn’t like your father-“

“You can’t know that!” he shouts, and immediately feels bad for shouting at his mom, but no matter how much he tries, his voice doesn’t go down when he continues. “You’ve never talked to him about that stuff, and no matter how good he may be otherwise, that doesn’t mean shit!”

Clearly, his mom is taken very aback by the fact that Mu Qing is screaming at her like this. He’s taken aback by it himself.

“Look, Qing-er, I know, that’s why I’m saying we don’t have to, but… you know that you’re more important to me than him, right? If he learns it and he’s not good about it, I’m immediately going to break up with him. Not just for your sake. I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that. Please don’t be so loud, okay?”

She’s being so understanding, meanwhile Mu Qing is being a little piece of shit. He feels sorry for it, he really does, and the guilt makes him be able to take a deep breath and not start going off at his mother again.

She deserves better than this.

“Right,” he says, “sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just give it some time, okay? You’ll come around. And if you don’t come around at all… you’re more important to me, okay?”

His mother squeezes his hand for a second, and then gives him a smile.

“Just give him a chance, too.”

Yeah.

Mu Qing will see about that.

Notes:

and with this, we officially enter the bitchification of mu qing. stay tuned

Chapter 12: Maths&Cats: 11

Notes:

ok i fucked up last time so a day early now, aka back to the proper schedule...

Mu Qing does not look at his maths teacher when he walks in. He very categorically refuses to. His mother must’ve told him that she’s told Mu Qing, so he makes a point of not sparing him a single glance, even when Xie Lian and Feng Xin greet him like they usually do.

It gets him a bit of a weird look from his two friends, because he’s usually nothing but polite. However, he sometimes does get into a bad mood and ends up not greeting some random people, so they’re probably not making too much of it.

He sits down and grabs all of his notebooks and books and whatever, but every time Feng Xin and Xie Lian try talking to him, Mu Qing doesn’t really know what to say.

How could he do casual conversation when his maths teacher is dating his mother? God forbid, what if they make him have a sibling?

Mu Qing is faced with the absolutely horrifying knowledge that comes with being a teenager and the subsequent realization that everyone around you has sex. Well, not everyone around you, but a lot of people. He doesn’t like that thought. God, they better not be about to have a child together.

Okay, well, no, he tells himself, calm down, Mu Qing. They’re just dating for now, they’re not married or whatever, what are you bringing children into this?

He leans back into his seat with a little sigh, unknowingly tapping his foot against the floor to release some of his stress – as if that’d do anything. This is hopeless. Completely and utterly hopeless. Why is he acting like his mother doesn’t deserve this? Of course she does. It’s just that- his maths teacher, of all people? If he moves in with them, Mu Qing physically couldn’t hide the evidence that points towards just who and what he is. The synthetic testosterone gel, the other medication he takes to regulate his hormones a little, the pads, the small amount of pride merch he owns. What if one day, this guy’s looking for something in their flat, and he stumbles upon it? What if Mu Qing forgets to lock the door while he showers because he isn’t used to it, and he comes in? Usually, he just leaves it unlocked, since he only lives with his mom anyway. Sometimes, she just happens to need the bathroom when he’s in there, and he couldn’t care less about that.

All of these scenarios are blatantly terrifying.

“Mu Qing?” comes Xie Lian’s quiet voice from next to him suddenly, which temporarily snaps him out of it.

Xie Lian, though, suddenly nods towards the front, and Mu Qing realizes that Mr Wang is taking attendance, and he hadn’t reacted to his name being called.

“Mu Qing?” he repeats, looking at him, and Mu Qing can’t help but put on a slightly pissed smile.

“Can’t you see I’m here?” he asks, sarcasm dripping from his voice. Now that makes Feng Xin’s head snap around to him in disbelief.

Usually, Mu Qing is only like this to him. What, is he jealous that he isn’t the only one getting this treatment anymore, now?

“Don’t look at me like that,” he hisses at him.

“…Okay,” Mr Wang says, not reacting to Mu Qing’s provocation at all, which to be honest just makes him even angrier. It’s just that he can’t say something else without making himself look utterly unreasonable, so Mu Qing will bite it down for now.

Whatever. He’s not just going to act like he’s okay with this. In front of his mom, sure. But he’s going to test out just how much kindness this man really has in him. Mu Qing is very sure he’ll get him to get angry with him at one point, and then he can prove to his mother that this isn’t the correct guy for her, and that she should go looking for literally anyone else.

…Not so vaguely, Mu Qing is aware of how childish he sounds, but he can’t help it. This situation has the potential to majorly spiral out of control, and he’d rather it doesn’t. So, the hard measures it is – making himself the most unlikeable he can possibly be so that he gets this man to break up with his mother before anything can happen. He’ll deal with his mother’s sadness afterwards, and as lowly as Mu Qing regards himself, he knows one thing – his mother wouldn’t want to be with someone who gets genuinely angry at a teenager who’s acting out a little.

The lesson itself doesn’t go smoothly. Mu Qing doesn’t let it go smoothly. He has his homework. He does his work. Theoretically, the guy can’t complain, but he outright refuses to answer his question when he’s asked as one of his last moves when no one else in the class knows the answer. Usually, him and Xie Lian will chime in at that point. This time, that isn’t happening, because Mu Qing doesn’t like this situation in the least.

After the lesson, Mister Wang leaves without really talking to Mu Qing about any of this. He looks back at him, sure, but other than that, he doesn’t do much.

Which is bad, because Mu Qing really badly wants a reaction out of him, and this can barely count as one. He’ll have to up his game next time and be even more prissy.

(Mu Qing is yet unaware of the fact this will be the start of the road of him becoming prissy with quite literally everyone and that he’s dooming himself to be perceived as bitchy for years to come.)

“Mu Qing, what was that?” Feng Xin stutters, looking at Mu Qing with wide eyes, entirely confused, and also very disapproving of how he’s just treated his maths teacher.

“Don’t act like you usually care about how you talk to your superiors,” Mu Qing sighs, and starts to pack his maths things away. Next up is chemistry, and they’ll have to change classrooms, so they better work on getting out of here soon. It’s only a five minute break, and the room is basically on the other side of the school. What’s this school so big for anyway?

“Well, it’s usually for me, I’m not even gonna try to refute that,” Feng Xin says, eyes still all big like he can’t believe a single bit what he’s just witnessed. “But you? If you’re anything, you’re a little teacher’s pet and suck-up and rule stickler, so what the fuck happened overnight for you to be so awful to him?”

“He hasn’t- done anything to you, right?” Xie Lian chimes in, and Mu Qing doesn’t have more left for that other than a derisive snort.

“What, he looks gay and like a pedophile to you?” he asks, and Xie Lian flinches a bit at his harsh voice before assuming his normal demeanor again soon enough.

“Well, no, I guess? People don’t look a certain way, I just figured there’d have to be a reason…”

“There’s none,” Mu Qing lies, “I’m just having a bad day. He didn’t do anything to me, if that’s what you want to hear. Can we just leave?”

“Nah,” Feng Xin says, blocking his way when Mu Qing wants to leave their table. Most others have already gone by now, and at this rate, they’re actually going to be too late, so Mu Qing is getting more than a little pissed by now. Because guess what, yeah, sure. Feng Xin isn’t wrong when he says he’s a teacher’s pet and a suck-up and a rule stickler. He isn’t wrong, and so, Mu Qing would like to go to their next class as soon as possible, thank you.

Clearly, neither of his friends agree with that sentiment.

“No, Mu Qing, you’re not going. What was that? He’s nothing but nice to you. To all of us, actually, and he’s generally a very good person. If you acted like this in front of our PE teacher or the English teacher, I’d be totally behind you, but this is just making you look like a little bitch, I can’t lie.”

“Well, I’m not a girl, so I can’t be,” Mu Qing spits at him, and physically pushes him out of the way, which leaves Feng Xin a little stunned.

A second later, Mu Qing feels himself be raised up by his collar.

“Men can be bitches, too, and I wouldn't talk to you if you were a girl,” he hisses at him, and ugh, he’s way too close to Mu Qing’s face. He feels like he’s going to explode. In anger, obviously. Mu Qing isn’t the type to feel any other emotions that’d make heat shoot into his face like that and that’d make his mind short-circuit like that.

It’s just anger, yeah.

“Get ahold of yourself,” Feng Xin continues, “if something happened, you know you can just fucking talk to us like a normal person, right?”

“I don’t do talking, if you haven’t noticed yet.”

“Oh, I have, trust me. Stuck up as you are-“

“You guys!” Xie Lian interferes, and suddenly, there’s a very strong pain in Mu Qing’s shoulder.

Him and Feng Xin stumble apart, and Mu Qing’s hand automatically flies up to his shoulder. It takes him a second to realize Xie Lian just punched him. Kind and calm Xie Lian just punched him.

What the hell?

That does actually snap him out of it a little, because he’d expected anything but that.

Feng Xin holds his shoulder in the very same way, rubbing it with a little glare directed at Xie Lian that turns apologetic the next second. What a stupid fucking dog. If Mu Qing didn’t know better, he might just assume he’s in love with him or something. But, look at him. If Mu Qing’s ever seen a straight man, or if he’d ever have to describe one, it’d be Feng Xin, so there’s that.

“Both of you. Calm down and take a deep breath,” Xie Lian sighs.

Mu Qing does. Feng Xin also does. The sound of Feng Xin exhaling makes Mu Qing irrationally angry, so he bites down on his lip to not insult him again right away.

“Good. God, what’s gotten into the two of you? First of all, Mu Qing, Feng Xin is right. You’re acting weird. If something happened and you want to talk about it, feel free to. We’ll listen. You listen to our concerns too, so we don’t mind doing the same for you. I know you have a rough time about that, but if you’re ever willing to overcome that, we’ll both be here. Am I right, Feng Xin?”

Feng Xin only gives him a mumbled grumble as a response, clearly still too pissed at Mu Qing to offer his help. Good, because Mu Qing wouldn’t want his help to begin with.

“Great. Mu Qing, you can’t just be mean to random people when something bad happens. This isn’t how things work. You’re not my big brother, you’re Mu Qing, and I don’t want you to have to get involved with the police one day or whatever. If Mister Wang did something, you’ve ought to let us know, and then if you don’t want to, we can let an adult know for you. If not your mom, then mine, or another teacher-“

“He didn’t do anything, so cut that crap,” Mu Qing says, finally letting go off his shoulder. It’s a lie, kind of, because he’s started dating his mom. Maybe not as bad as if he really did what Xie Lian is implying he might’ve, but still pretty bad by Mu Qing’s standards, actually.

“Alright, that’s good. If you’re lying, you can tell us the truth later-“

“I’m not. Don’t suspect him for shit he hasn’t done, I’m just in a bad mood today, is that so hard to understand?”

“You’re always in a bad mood,” Feng Xin counters, “but this is just… unlike you.”

(Some years down the lane, Feng Xin will look back and wonder how this exact behaviour low-key became one of Mu Qing’s most prominent character traits.)

“And Feng Xin,” Xie Lian continues, now giving him a little glare, “you can’t be rude to Mu Qing about it either. Clearly, something is going on in his life that he doesn’t want to talk about. That’s fine, and he doesn’t have to, and we’re not going to pressure him. But. That doesn’t mean you can be an asshole to Mu Qing.”

“But he was an asshole just now! So why am I not allowed?”

“Because that makes you just as bad,” Xie Lian says, then grabs his bag. “Alright, let’s just go to chemistry, we’re going to be late at this rate. If something’s up, both of you – you can talk to me. I know I was- I know I was a little… some time ago, when I had that flu, it was all a bit… but I’m okay now, and I still want to be here for you if something’s wrong, okay?”

“I know that, but I don’t think Mu Qing knows.”

“Feng Xin, what did I just say?” Xie Lian asks, looking very exasperated and done with the world by now. He’s clearly got enough of them right now.

“Whatever,” Mu Qing says, “let’s just go, I don’t want to be late.”

He stalks off, not looking back.

 

*

 

After chemistry, it’s finally time for a proper break. The lesson went as smoothly as ever. Mu Qing was normal towards their chemistry teacher, and Feng Xin and Xie Lian both eye him weirdly about it. At least they’ve all calmed down during the lesson, and they’ve just kind of gone back to normal again, as if nothing had ever happened, as if they hadn’t ever deemed Mu Qing to be weird today or whatever.

If anything, that does prove to Mu Qing that his friends will stick with him, even if that’s kind of a very stupid thing to think at a time like this.

“Are we going behind the school again like usual?” Xie Lian asks, shouldering his bag at the same time as Mu Qing; the bags hit each other.

“Sure,” Mu Qing responds, “my mom packed some extra for you guys, you know how she is. She said- to enjoy the food. ‘Cause we’re not always going to be middle schoolers or whatever.”

In fact, recalling this makes him feel a tiny bit bad. His mom means nothing but well for him, and she always expresses it through just this kind of stuff, acts of love and whatnot.

And Mu Qing? He expresses his love by testing her new boyfriend and whether he’s worthy of her or not.

At the end of the day, he supposes they do have the same goal, though. Yes, he does feel bad, but if she breaks up with him because she’s an asshole, won’t she thank him in the long run? Maybe Mu Qing should run on less assumptions, given he’s never been in a romantic relationship, but look. It was her who said she puts him above anything else, and even if Mu Qing doesn’t care all too much about himself, he’s just pretty damn sure his mother wouldn’t want to be with someone who hurts him.

So, this is all he can do.

“Uh… sorry, I’ll have to skip out on that,” Feng Xin suddenly says in a kind of weird tone of voice.

When Mu Qing looks up at him (the guy needs to stop growing), he realizes that Feng Xin’s cheeks are weirdly red.

Hell, even Mu Qing can admit he looks a tiny bit adorable like that.

“Huh?” Xie Lian asks, then smiles. “Ah, did you plan to play football during the break?”

“I can give it to you now, it’s… a sandwich, actually. She knows how much you like these. It’s better than the awful ones from the vending machines, at least,” Mu Qing says, maybe a little mellowed out from Feng Xin’s blush, putting his bag back down, and swiftly handing Feng Xin his sandwich.

He does take it from him and immediately bites into it. His whole face lights up.

“Woah, it’s really good! Tell your mom she’s a genius for real! But ah, yeah, I gotta go this time, sorry, you guys!” he says, and then he’s already waving at them and running off to god knows where.

Forgetting his bag.

Xie Lian and Mu Qing both stare at his bag, and in the end, Mu Qing is the one to take it up with an annoyed little grunt.

“Do you think he was a little… weird just now?” Xie Lian asks, that same baffled stutter in his voice that Feng Xin had in his when confronting Mu Qing earlier.

“Hm? Probably just excited to play football, since he’s barely got thoughts for anything else,” Mu Qing says, and takes up his own sandwich.

Feng Xin’s bag is having.

“…You’re probably right,” Xie Lian laughs, “not like both of you would act weird by coincidence on the same day. Probably just overthinking it.”

“With Feng Xin, you need to underthink everything,” Mu Qing says, and given Xie Lian’s little smirk, he knows he agrees with him.

It isn’t that bad that Feng Xin is gone.

Being alone with Xie Lian has its perks, too – namely, shitting on Feng Xin with him.

Chapter 13: Maths&Cats: 12

Notes:

in whcih mu qing tries DESPERATELY to get is teacher to hate him and fails. miserably.

It’s been an entire month of Mu Qing being an absolute dickhead to his maths teacher just so he can make sure he won’t mistreat his mom. He’ll give it another month or two and then let off or something, or at least that’s what he thinks before he comes home and his mother tells him that said maths teacher will come by for dinner today, so that they can interact in a setting that isn’t school.

Mu Qing has to cut the guy some slack – he clearly hasn’t told his mother about how he’s been randomly shouting at him and refusing to participate in class entirely.

Sure, they get a grade for participation even if it doesn't account to all too much, but Mu Qing is very aware of how he’s not even in high school yet, so really, his grades don’t matter for shit.

He’s obviously still following class and learning along, and getting everything right, so if his grades suffer a bit this year, he doesn’t care.

He’ll blame it on moving and finding friends, and his mom will probably just smile at him and tell him that there’s more important things out there than grades anyway, and that it’s no matter as long as it doesn’t bug him and keep him from doing whatever career he wants to do.

It doesn’t, because he’s not even fourteen.

What the fuck do his grades matter right now, as long as he gets passed on into the next year at the end of this one? Exactly. Nothing. And he’s very far from that happening.

Mu Qing meticulously gets rid of all the things he’s made a list of for this exact case. He gets rid of his few pride merchandise articles, and the synthetic testosterone in the bathroom as well as his hygiene articles. He gets rid even of that yellow and purple bracelet that he doesn’t even wear in case anyone suspects anything.

Also because he isn’t proud of this. In fact, he does find himself disgusting. He doesn’t tell his mom anymore, because she’d try to get him to change that, but Mu Qing doesn’t particularly want to change things. He doesn’t need a therapist to try and gaslight him into thinking he’s normal.

He’s well aware that he isn’t.

He sits in his room in the worst mood ever, texting with Xie Lian and theoretically with Feng Xin, but Feng Xin’s been weird and distant lately anyways.

‘Sorry, can’t text right now,’ comes the exact text Mu Qing had suspected would come from him when Xie Lian addresses both of them in the group chat.

Immediately, Xie Lian switches to their private chat.

‘Feng Xin’s been weird,’ he shoots at him, and Mu Qing nods. Not that Xie Lian can see it.

‘Fits him,’ he types back, ‘that’s cause he’s an ass, actually. Also he’s always been weird but he’s weirder than usual. Where is he during those breaks anyway???’

They don’t really follow him, and the few times they did, he was just with the regular football playing guys. Aka, those popular kids Mu Qing can’t stand. If that makes him emo, then so be it.

But apart from that, he hasn’t seen Feng Xin hanging out with anyone new. Delusionally, the thought that Feng Xin might have a girlfriend did pass his mind, but first of all, which girl would want to, and secondly, which girl would want to see him multiple times? There’d have to be something wrong with her head.

Mu Qing means that very kindly. He doesn’t discriminate against women just because they’re women. Men can also have a lot wrong with their heads. Case in point, Feng Xin.

‘Seriously, though. We’ve ought to ask him. I miss him.’

‘I don’t,’ Mu Qing responds, except… he kind of does, in a weird way. He does kind of miss Feng Xin. He still spends a few breaks with them, at least, so it isn’t like he’s completely gone. One time, they did see him talk to a girl, but that was just his neighbour. If Mu Qing isn’t wrong, her name is Jian Lan or something. He does know that she’s in the grade above them. Very pretty, so in other words, definitely wouldn’t date Feng Xin unless she’d lost it without any of them knowing.

‘Mu Qing…’ comes the disappointed answer.

The doorbell rings.

‘I gtg, doorbell,’ he announces, and stuffs his phone into his pocket.

He’ll play nice. If Mister Wang plays nice with him, Mu Qing will play nice, just for the sake of his mom. Disappointing her isn’t on the list of things he wants to do just because he wants to test her new boyfriend.

“Qing-er, he’s here!” his mother says.

“I know, I heard,” he grumbles, unable to keep the bit of dislike he’s been accumulating for the guy out of his voice entirely. He’ll try, okay? He’ll try.

He steps out of bed, and walks over towards the kitchen, which is visible from the hallway already, hands stuffed into his pockets. He’s in more casual clothes today, which does make him feel a little more comfortable. They’re a bit bigger, buggier, so more of his body is obscured. He just wished the dress-shirts and the like that he’s made to wear for school would give him the same amount of slack.

Sadly, they don’t.

It puts him more at ease though, to see his teacher like this, even when it theoretically shouldn’t.

Mister Wang stares at him from where he is in the door, holding a bouquet of flowers. Nothing overly big, teacher salaries aren’t the highest in the world either, Mu Qing knows as much. His mom kisses him on the cheek and he greets her, then Mu Qing, just with a casual ‘hi’ and a smile on his face.

So far, so good, he’s passing.

…The only issue is still that he can’t learn of anything Mu Qing-related, or else Mu Qing will relate to psych ward patients very fast.

“Hi,” Mu Qing mumbles back, his plan aside, just unsure about how to interact with his teacher in such a setting. When his teacher is dating his mom.

“The food’s already cooking. Qing-er, if you could just quickly set the table while I check on it? Ah, let me take your jacket-“

“No need,” his maths teacher says, already taking off his jacket, “I can see where everything goes, so just take care of the food, alright?”

“…I’ll go set the table,” Mu Qing says, biting down a cringe at hearing him speak to his mom in such a lovey-dovey voice.

Turns out this is worse for entirely other reasons – those two are clearly smitten with each other, and nothing Mu Qing will do can get in between that, probably.

He grabs the bowls and chopsticks and everything from the kitchen, his mom already having set them out for him, and starts to place them around the table when Mister Wang steps into the room.

“…You can sit down, or something,” Mu Qing says, which makes the guy break out into the largest smile imaginable, and ugh, why does he have to appear so genuinely kind-hearted?

It’s not much different from Xie Lian, really. If you put these two into one single bag and started hitting it with a baseball bat in an attempt to hit a good-natured person, you’d always be hitting the correct one.

“I will! Is here okay?” he asks, grabbing a chair. Mu Qing grits his teeth and nods.

Just for one night.

He’ll survive not being a ‘sarcastic little bitch’ for one night. Or whatever else Feng Xin calls him these days. He wouldn’t exactly be wrong, partly because Mu Qing is realizing that he likes being a sarcastic little bitch. Feng Xin’s getting the brunt end of it too.

Whatever – he deserves it for deserting them more than usual, anyway.

“Food’s almost done already!” his mother announces from the kitchen, “Qing-er, can you just quickly help me get everything into bowls and stuff, and carry it over?”

“…Yes,” he says, with another small glance at his teacher, then strides over into the kitchen where his mom is currently turning off the stove.

Mu Qing goes for the rice cooker as soon as it beeps, and starts scooping the large amount of rice into a new bowl.

“I hope this isn’t too weird for you,” his mother says in a hushed tone, “just try to forget he’s your teacher for the evening, okay? That said, if it gets too much for you at any point, you can leave, okay? Just come up with an excuse, it’s fine. I won’t mind.”

“…Okay,” he says, but honestly, that’s kind of a relief. He takes the rice spoon and the rice bowl and carries it over to the table, his mom shortly behind him with meat and vegetables. They go back into the kitchen again to retrieve the soup and the multiple sauces she’s prepared.

If he’s getting anything out of this, it’s good food, at least, so he can barely even complain.

Except he can, because apart from Mister Wang somehow finding out about his body, Mu Qing does also have to think about how his mom might just say it on accident.

She’s not good at lying and omitting things. It’s not that he doesn’t trust her, it’s just that…

Well.

You could put her into the same bag as him and Xie Lian. Same thing applies. Always hitting the right person. She wouldn’t mean any harm by it and hate herself for it, and Mu Qing would forgive her in a heartbeat anyway because he just loves her so much.

Dinner passes… somewhat quietly and amiably. They talk about this and that, even if Mu Qing tries not to talk a lot. His mother tries involving him in the conversation though, so he appreciates it, and even asks him how Volleyball is doing, since he visited her again today.

She’s still fine and thriving and friends with the gay couple’s dog. He does make very sure to mention that it’s a gay couple, but his teacher seems completely undisturbed by that, and instead just asks to see a picture of her.

…Which Mu Qing caves at, and shows him multiple pictures, because hello, this is about a cat. How could he not cave?

Mister Wang smiles at both he photos and at him, and says she’s a very pretty cat. Mu Qing is inclined to agree.

Ugh. He hates how good-natured this guy is.

After that, he resolves himself to be more of a cold asshole again, because the cat thing can not sway him completely, he swears.

It’s just that the conversation suddenly turns into the completely wrong direction when Mister Wang mentions that there was an unanswered call on the phone, just to make sure they’d seen it.

Mu Qing freezes, and so does his mom.

“…Ah, that was my ex-husband. We generally don’t pick up his calls anymore,” she says, a bit awkwardly. Mu Qing feels his blood run cold, and for once, he does feel a little bad for Mister Wang for accidentally having stepped into such a landmine.

“O-oh,” he makes, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t… I didn’t mean to…”

“…No, no, it’s fine!” Mu Qing’s mother quickly reassures him, “it’s quite alright. He’s just… we both decided not to engage with him anymore. There’s the childcare payments he makes, at least, so there’s that, but… other than that, we’ve gone no-contact. Obviously with Qing-er’s consent and all…”

“Mom,” Mu Qing interferes, a little harsher this time. He grabs the last piece of meat from the plate and swallows it, barely even having chewed it. “It doesn’t matter, does it?”

“Ah- no, no, I suppose not.”

For some reason, though, it’s Mister Wang that doesn’t let up now, all of a sudden.

“I understand. Sometimes, you don’t necessarily want contact with a parent anymore-“

“I said it doesn’t matter!” Mu Qing shouts, crashing his chopsticks back down onto the table.

“I was just going to say that’s a valid decision to make,” his maths teacher finishes, still unperturbed by Mu Qing’s sudden outburst.

“Qing-er, please,” his mother says, reaching across the table and touching his arm a little.

Mu Qing resists the urge to slap it away. He can’t hurt his mom like that.

“Yes,” he says, “it’s fine. Can we talk about literally anything else?”

Luckily, but also much to his chagrin, his maths teacher is very socially adept, so he manages to quickly turn the topic back around to something completely else, but at that point, Mu Qing is barely following the conversation anymore. At one point, he does excuse himself, but only really to go to the bathroom. He’s still got one step left for tonight. The bathroom is right next to the kitchen.

He can buy some time if he later pretends he was picking meat out of his teeth, so he grabs his toothbrush and wets it, basically going through the motions without anything being stuck in his teeth, and leans against the door.

“…I’m sorry about just now, I made things really awkward,” Mister Wang blurts out almost as soon as Mu Qing has gone into the bathroom. “I didn’t mean to upset him. I just meant to say that’s fine, to break off contact.”

“I know. Don’t worry about it. Qing-er’s just been having a bad time about it all.”

Her voice is much quieter than his, but if Mu Qing strains his ears, he can still hear.

“He said some awful stuff to him that I can’t forgive him for, and that Qing-er also can’t forgive him for. I believe there’s some things you should never say to your child, and there were… a lot of them. We accept his money because we have to, and I guess it’s a legally binding thing for him anyway, and the less money he has, the better, but… we’d both really rather not. It was hard. For him more than for me, by far. So please don’t take it to heart, okay? Just be careful about mentioning it to him in the future.”

“Yes. I understand. I’ll- should I apologize to him?”

“No. He doesn’t like that type of stuff, you’ll just aggravate him further,” his mom laughs, “please don’t worry about it so much. Mu Qing’s going to be fine. He’s hardier than he looks.”

“Okay. I know. He’s a good kid.”

And somehow, this guy really does act like a saint.

What the fuck does he mean, Mu Qing is a good kid? Mu Qing has done nothing but being an ass to him for an entire month by now!

Gritting his teeth, Mu Qing decides to do the rest of his business, clean his toothbrush and let it clink back into the cup audibly, use the toilet, and wash his hands.

When he returns, the two of them are back to talking about completely random stuff (what normal middle-aged couple talks about the latest season of a crappy teen soap opera, especially a man?), so Mu Qing has no choice but to sit back down.

Dessert is next, which is where his next plan comes to fruition. He’ll test just how good of a guy this man really is, and maybe, also just to get back at him for mentioning his father. Not just ‘maybe’. More for that than anything else, actually, because Feng Xin kind of has a point. He is a sarcastic little bitch.

“I’ll get the tiramisu,” his mother announces, but Mu Qing immediately gets up.

“I’ll get it,” he says, so his mother sinks back down a bit perplexed.

On the inside, Mu Qing can’t help but giggle just a tiny bit. He’ll see how his maths teacher likes that. After all, who could blame him for slipping a little bit on the floor in just a second?

He grabs the matcha-tiramisu from the fridge, and also three bowls, balancing them together in his hands. Then, he makes his way over to his teacher, sets the bowls down first, and reaches a tiny bit over him so he can deposit the large bowl on the table. Except Mu Qing stumbles a tiny bit, totally not on purpose, and gets some of the green powder and greenish cream on his teacher’s immaculate white shirt.

Oops.

Totally not on purpose, of course.

Mu Qing is good enough at acting to play it off and mumble a slightly stunned and taken-off guard ‘sorry’ at him, which sounds much more like a genuine reaction than any over-the-top thing he could be saying.

His mother just gives him one of those glances that go over his whole person, like she’s trying to make really sure that he’s safe; for the record, he is, but he appreciates it anyway, finally setting down the large bowl of matcha tiramisu and looking at his maths teacher in worry.

Not that he’s actually worried.

“Eh, it doesn’t matter,” he says, completely nonchalantly, grabbing the napkin his mother had placed down next to his spot, and scooping up as much cream and matcha powder as he possibly can before crumpling it up. He clicks his tongue at his destroyed white shirt once, then shrugs. “I’ll see what I can do at home with some spot remover, but the shirt’s quite old anyway, and it’s getting a bit small too. So, no worries, okay, Mu Qing?”

Oh, Mu Qing had no worries.

He acts his part of a concerned teenager who’s just soiled his maths teacher’s pristine shirt and sits down, trying to look as guilty as possible. Something tells him Mister Wang sees right through him, but the man doesn’t make anything of it at all. He must actually be a saint, with how undisturbed he is. Something about him must be off. This isn’t normal, right?

Mu Qing is at a loss.

Maybe he has to go back to being awful to him at school again after all.

Chapter 14: Maths&Cats: 13

Notes:

uploading this pre-vaccine sobsob i'm scared what if i die (. internet says only like 5% even get a fever after this one that's how little of a concern this is but oh no i have *sparkle* ANXIETY *sparkle*) so anyway !!!!!!! when i upload the next chapter it'll be sunday meaning that by then i'm a single night away from starting my Masters... crazy. this au has been with me since my 3rd Bachelors semester... I'm sure i'll be writing it throughout my entire MA still LMAO time to lock in.

also yesterday with my yuwu fic of this au i DID crack the 1mil word mark so uh. congrats to myself for having written a fic series 300k longer than the bible, atp. hmm. unsure how to feel about that!

also this chapter has a mention of underage sex, so take care! (like i said nothing goes past the way teenagers think and talk about it sometimes lmao)

The next day is a mess. Mu Qing is in a bad mood even without seeing Mister Wang, since they’ll have maths only relatively late into the day today, but he’s in a horrible mood anyway. Not just because of this whole business, but because he ended up having his fucking period today. He had his mother write him a letter saying that he can’t participate in PE class because he feels sick, but really, Mu Qing just isn’t willing to risk bleeding through his sweatpants. Sure, he feels a little sick and dizzy, and he’s got some cramps here and there, but it could be worse. Not like his periods get really bad to begin with, but the first day always just sucks.

“Are you okay?” Xie Lian asks him once they grab their bags after physics class, ready to go straight to maths, which is where Mu Qing will once more be confronted with his archenemy. Not great. Oh, this day is going to suck such fucking ass for the rest of it, too.

“Yes, just in a bad mood, and not feeling well,” he repeats, like he has been repeating multiple times a day.

Feng Xin, practically glued to his phone as of late whenever he isn’t avoiding them or whatever, nearly runs into him.

“Oh, get a grip, Feng Xin!” he shouts, which Feng Xin just rolls his eyes at, still smiling somehow. Mu Qing isn’t sure he likes this at all.

Xie Lian tries to calm him down to no avail, and they go to maths class.

Like always, Mu Qing doesn’t participate anymore, and he just glares at the man who invaded his private living spaces and kissed his mom goodbye yesterday night in what he hopes conveys his very negative feelings about the situation.

At the end of the lesson happens what honestly, should’ve happened much earlier already. So, despite having long anticipated it, Mu Qing still is surprised.

“Mu Qing?” his teacher says, giving him one of those small smiles that he swears to god have got to be fake, “could you stay after class, for a second?”

Next to him, Feng Xin smirks at him, as if telling him that he’s long had this coming. On his other side, Xie Lian gives him a concerned pat on the arm, and Mu Qing waits until everyone has left even though he wants nothing more than to dart out of this room and get the hell away from whatever conversation they’re about to have.

The door closes behind Xie Lian, the last to leave, with another look at him.

“What is it?” Mu Qing asks, not even trying to keep the anger out of his voice. Does this have to be done on the day he’s on his period? If it was just the thing itself feeling disgusting, sure, but Mu Qing as a whole person feels disgusting. He feels disgusting because he isn’t a girl. Boys don’t have periods. Sure, he knows he’s not really either of these things, but he wants to be a boy, and for his body to simply ignore that, it’s not nice.

It's not nice at all.

If Mu Qing didn’t express himself with anger, he’d be expressing himself with tears instead. And so, anger it is.

“I know you have a lot going on,” he starts, “and I know that includes me. I just wanted to ask if there’s anything I can do for you. I won’t scold you about your grades or warn you about them or whatever. I know you know about that already. But I just want to ask whether there’s something I can do for you.”

‘Break up with my mom,’ Mu Qing wants to say, but when he opens his mouth, the words won’t come out. He knows why. It’d make his mom sad. It’d make his mom sad to know how he’s treating him, too. So, in the end, he just kind of looks at him.

“Look, Mu Qing,” he says. “I understand this is hard for you-“

“You don’t understand anything!” Mu Qing shouts back, “you have absolutely not a single clue!”

“…Yeah, this is true. You’re right. I overstepped. I may not understand, but I can still see that something’s on your mind. You probably don’t want to talk to me about it, and that’s okay, but if there’s ever anything I can do for you, you can let me know. I just wanted you to know that. I’m glad you still do your homework and follow class, though. But if it ever gets too hard to do that, I won’t be mad or tell anyone before I tell you, including your mother.”

“Pfft,” Mu Qing makes, feeling that smirk come back onto his face no matter how crappy he really feels right now. “I bet you’ve told my mom all about how I talk to you though, haven’t you? She’s just been nice enough to not mention.”

“Hm? Of course not. I assumed you wouldn’t want her to know. If you want me to talk to her about something in your stead, I can do that. But I prefer to take care of any conflicts directly. Hence, if there is an issue you take with me, please don’t be afraid to voice it. I’ll try my best to resolve it, and we can talk it out, okay? Of course I also feel a bit hurt when you’re like this to me, but I know you’re probably struggling with a lot, so I’m not judging you, and neither am I mad.”

God, can nothing break this guy at all? Can Mu Qing genuinely not get him to do anything that’d make him break up with his mom?

Mu Qing clenches his fists once and then unclenches him. He feels too awful today, too emotional, whatever hormones his shitty body thinks its producing right now making him damn-near lose his mind.

And now, to have something like genuine kindness extended to him… it’s too much, honestly. Mu Qing isn’t sure what the fuck he’s meant to do about it when his eyes start fucking stinging of all things.

He blinks very quickly for a bit, and luckily, it makes the feeling disappear, but he also knows that if he was to speak up right now, he’d probably actually start crying.

So, for a bit, he just grits his teeth, tries to breathe in and out until the feeling of something being stuck in his throat disappears. He turns around anyway, just to be safe, under the pretense of grabbing his bag so he can go home and not think more about this for now.

“I have nothing to say to you,” he says, but no matter what he does, his voice still quivers.

He runs out of the room as fast as he can, and even when his teacher calls for him once more, Mu Qing doesn’t dare turn around.

Fine, then he’ll just accept this. He won’t be nice to him, he won’t participate in class, but clearly, this just isn’t working.

He’ll abandon any effort that isn’t just being a bit of a dick.

Once out of the room, he slows down, but still makes his way through the building as fast as he somewhat can so that he doesn’t risk Mister Wang following him. Not that he thinks he will – sadly, the guy is too good for that.

At least Mu Qing would get to call him a creep for following him or something.

However, when he opens the door of the main entrance, doubling as the main exit, Mu Qing is greeted by Feng Xin and Xie Lian both, looking at him with something like exasperation and worry. Both of them.

Mu Qing scowls. He doesn’t like it when Feng Xin looks worried about him.

It’s eerie at best.

“You’re back,” Xie Lian says, a genuine smile on his face.

“Yes. Why did you wait for me?”

“Well, we figured…” Xie Lian starts, but Feng Xin raises his hand as if to shut him up.

“Cut the crap, Xie Lian. Mu Qing, be honest just for once. What the fuck is going? You clearly liked him before. If he isn’t the one being awful to you so that we have to be worried about you, in which case please just tell us so we can help, then you’re being unreasonable. You’re being an awful person, frankly. I won’t sugarcoat it like Xie Lian might. You suck ass at the moment. You’ve turned into a sarcastic little bitch, and you insult our teacher and get awful with him for no apparent reason. Now, he’s even held you back to talk about it, right? You’re not like this with anyone else.”

“What he means,” Xie Lian tries to interfere, “is that we’re really worried about you. Even someone who seems like a good person could still-“

“He didn’t assault me or whatever the fuck you guys are thinking!” Mu Qing says, very exasperated with this whole spiel. Sure, even if that were the case, he probably wouldn’t talk about it, but this just so isn’t the case. If anything, the guy is way too fucking nice to him.

“Then just tell us what’s going on, okay? Because I’m frankly not willing to stand for you just being an asshole for no reason,” Feng Xin says, and it really just ticks Mu Qing off.

“Oh shut the fuck up, as if you care.”

“Clearly I do care, because I’ve waited for you here-“

“Instead of?” Mu Qing laughs, “doing whatever the fuck you do these days? Being glued to your phone? Ignoring us during most breaks? Barely showing up for study sessions? Staring around in class like you’re in some shitty pop music video?”

“Oh, you little piece of shit,” Feng Xin hisses back at him, but Mu Qing has enough of this, because frankly, this has also bugged him for a while now.

“Seriously, Feng Xin. You think you’ve got such a moral high ground, but you’ve just been ignoring us. You’re right, Xie Lian is too nice a lot of the time, but not just to me, but also to you! And we’ve talked about it, and we both think it’s a shitty thing to do with literally no notice!”

“Oh, are you fucking jealous of whom I’m spending my time with?” Feng Xin laughs, grabbing Mu Qing by the front of his shirt, which is kind of bad because Mu Qing isn’t wearing his binder today, but then again Feng Xin is so scared of women he might just screech and leave him alone if he feels the bit of chest he has. Mu Qing, in retaliation, tries his hardest to get a good slap in, but fails.

They’re too evenly matched in scuffles. He hates every single bit about it.

“Oh, who the fuck would I be jealous of? Some poor new friends you’ve got? Your granny, maybe? Be so for real, Feng Xin-“

“My fucking girlfriend, you idiot! Or are you jealous of me for having one, because no fucking girl would ever want you-“

“I’m fucking gay, why the hell would I want a girlfriend?”

“Wait.”

Both Mu Qing and Feng Xin stop their argument and physical fight to look at Xie Lian, a few steps from them, looking at them with his eyes gone very big.

“I didn’t know about either of these things. What?”

Only then does Mu Qing realize just what he’s admitted. Namely the fact that he’s gay. His mom knows, because she casually asked him once, so Mu Qing felt comfortable telling her, even if it was embarrassing to admit that there’s some guys he finds handsome. But he hadn’t told Xie Lian and Feng Xin. Sure, they’re probably okay with it, so the fear that settles inside of him is more surface-level than bone-deep, because if Xie Lian is trans and Feng Xin is okay with that, they’re probably fine with him being gay.

…This doesn’t however mean that this is the way he’d wanted to come out to them.

The few seconds that pass feel very long. Long enough to think about what Feng Xin said, too, and to also be shocked about it for long enough.

What the hell does Feng Xin mean, a girlfriend? How did Feng Xin of all people get a girlfriend? What’s wrong with that poor girl?

Feng Xin lets go of Mu Qing in something akin to shock, and in response, Mu Qing’s fingers that had previously been grasping at his weirdly broad and muscly shoulders also give.

They stumble apart and instead both look at Xie Lian.

“Ah-“ Xie Lian makes, “not that I’m judging you! Of course I’m not! Obviously it’s fine you have a girlfriend, and that you’re gay! I just didn’t know, so I’m quite taken aback, but I guess it does make sense…”

For a while, Mu Qing still has to regain his breath from the fight, but he doesn’t look at Xie Lian at all.

All he can look at right now is Feng Xin, his cheeks red in the aftermath of their fight, his hair a bit wilder than usual, partly because it’s been growing out, partly because of their scuffle. In the evening sun, his tanned skin kind of glows, and his jawline looks more pronounced than usual.

Yeah.

Mu Qing can see how a girl might fall for Feng Xin’s looks, but come on now – more than that? There’s no way any girl would want to be with him past a first date, given he has fluff for brains, if not pure emptiness. But no, Feng Xin isn’t just dating someone.

He has a girlfriend.

Those are two wildly different things.

“You know what?” Feng Xin starts as the first person to speak up again. “You guys are right, I should’ve told you. I didn’t know how to, though, but that’s where I’ve been spending all my time, kind of, just… I’m sorry. I miss you guys, too. I’ll come during the break tomorrow, I promise. It’s just- I’ve had a crush on her for a while now, so I got really excited, but I guess that doesn’t make it right to neglect my friends-“

“Who are you dating?” Mu Qing asks, interrupting him, because he cannot stand the suspense a single second longer. He just can’t wrap his head around the concept that Feng Xin actually and really has a girlfriend, because like, who would?

“Ah. Jian Lan. My neighbour, if you remember. So yeah. I’m sorry about that. I’ll do better.”

He looks so earnest and everything, but somehow Mu Qing feels… horribly offended. He doesn’t really get why. Offended may not be the right word, to be fair. Sad? Bothered? Uncomfortable? All of the above? Looking at Feng Xin with the knowledge that he has a girlfriend who he’s probably kissed and maybe done other things with is…

It’s weird.

Imagining that is weird, and it feels weird, and Mu Qing doesn’t like it. He’s going to put these emotions right to the very darkest corner of his brain and never touch upon them. He decides that on the spot.

“It’s alright!” Xie Lian says, “I mean, I’ve never had a partner, so I wouldn’t know… but I think that’s normal! Thank you for telling us now! It’s alright, spend time with her, but… I miss you, too, Feng Xin. So if you did make a bit more time for us, that… would be great.”

“Yeah. I’m really sorry. You're right.”

Hey. How did them ganging up on Mu Qing to tell them about what’s going on between him and his maths teacher turn into a sweet moment between the two of them?

“And, Mu Qing, it’s really okay that you’re gay!” Xie Lian suddenly exclaims, clapping his hands together once and then walking over to pet Mu Qing’s arms once, each. “I’m happy you felt comfortable enough telling us, even if- well, I’m not sure if we can call it ‘telling us’, but you know what I mean! You felt comfortable enough screaming it during an argument! That’s still great!”

“Whatever,” Mu Qing huffs.

His brain is stuck on Feng Xin having a girlfriend. Stuck in an obsessive way. Do they hold hands? Have they actually kissed yet? Or done more? That thought especially hurts. Sure, Mu Qing knows he’s young. Frankly, he isn’t interested in sex. Maybe at a later point, but he isn’t now.

It’s just that romance and especially something physical wouldn’t be nearly as easy for him. It’d warrant conversations, and it’d warrant a person to truly accept him, or else Mu Qing wouldn’t even feel comfortable getting naked around them.

It feels unfair that for others, it just gets to be this easy. There’s nothing they have to tell, nothing they have to warn someone about, nothing they have to fear on top of some regular anxiety about these kinds of things.

‘Unfair’ honestly doesn’t cut it.

“Yeah, whatever,” Feng Xin says, “you don’t exactly look straight, so I guess we been knew.”

Mu Qing kicks him in the shin about this, and it gives him at least a little bit of satisfaction about this whole thing, a bit of a good feeling even when the knowledge that there’s someone Feng Xin has a crush on feels like it’s crushing him for some reason.

Maybe he really is jealous of Feng Xin for having found someone he loves.

Not that Mu Qing is going to be delusional, though. This won’t last. They’re teenagers. Mu Qing has barely heard of teenager romance lasting for long, so he’s just going to wait to see that ship crash.

(And get Feng Xin back. For hangouts and to bully him, of course. Nothing else. No other reason at all.)

For a bit, the three of them stare at each other, until Xie Lian eventually gives a small huff and turns towards Mu Qing again.

“So, what is this all about? Because frankly, Mu Qing, the two of us have been very patient, and-“

“It’s none of your business,” Mu Qing sighs, flicking a strand of hair out of his face and trying his best to look like he doesn’t actually care, “so stop asking.”

“It is our business, because that’s our favourite teacher, and you’re being an absolute asshole to him, though,” Feng Xin says, “so literally just tell us what’s wrong. What, is this some kind of stupid teenage rebellion phase but you’re too scared to admit it because it’d make you look really uncool?”

“That’s so not it you dumb oaf.”

“Says the emo teenager,” Feng Xin scoffs back, typing something on his phone for a bit and then sliding it back into his pocket, “literally, Mu Qing. You need to get a grip. This isn’t okay-“

“I don’t care if it’s okay or not!” Mu Qing responds, getting louder again now because he’s actually and genuinely fed up with all of this, “stop acting like you actually care, he’s just a teacher-“

“He’s still human, though,” Xie Lian says, “so just tell us, Mu Qing, we mean well-“

It’s that honest good-will that reminds him just a bit too much of Mister Wang that makes Mu Qing explode in the end. He grits his teeth for a second, trying to contain himself, but ultimately failing to do so and losing it anyway.

“Because he’s been dating my mom for a few months now, and he even had dinner at ours yesterday, and I’m fucking pissed about it, alright?”

That does successfully shut the two of them up. Their eyes go all wide, and Xie Lian looks clearly more shocked about this than about the fact that Feng Xin has a girlfriend and that Mu Qing is gay. Rightfully so, Mu Qing thinks. Because this is arguably worse than both of these things combined, and he says this despite all the internalized homophobia he has.

“He- he’s dating whom?” Feng Xin stutters out, taken aback just as much as Xie Lian next to him.

“My mom!” Mu Qing repeats, “so can you shut up about all of this now? I’ve been trying my hardest to get him to be an asshole to me so she could break up with him, but he’s doing no such thing-“

And, suddenly, Feng Xin simply starts laughing.

“That’s what this is about?” he wheezes, “you’re scared of getting a new dad? So you’re trying to get him to be awful to you, so your mom breaks up with him, because she wouldn’t let anyone be awful to Qing-er? Oh, you’ve sunken so much lower than I’d thought.”

“I-“ Mu Qing is just about to launch into a verbal counterattack, or launch himself at Feng Xin, or both combined, but the ‘Qing-er’ leaving Feng Xin’s mouth holds him back. He can only grit his teeth.

Even Xie Lian looks a bit amused.

“Okay, I see why you’re upset now,” he says, “but that doesn’t mean you can continue doing this. It’s been ages, Mu Qing. If he still hasn’t even raised his voice at you, I think it’s safe to say your effort is in vain.”

“You think I don’t know?” Mu Qing grunts, stuffing his hands into his pockets, all of a sudden very uncomfortable with looking at his two friends, “I do know. But I just don’t want…”

He swallows. He may have told them he’s gay, but he can’t tell them about the other thing. He doesn’t think he can stomach doing that.

“I just don’t want him to be shitty to my mom after all the things my father’s done. She deserves only the best.”

“Well, if anyone’s genuinely a good person, it’d be him,” Feng Xin says, “so stop being an unreasonable little piece of shit. Your mom so doesn’t know about this, does she?”

“Obviously not!”

“Mu Qing, please. If he’s so good that he isn’t even telling your mom about how you’re acting out, what exactly do you think you’re going to achieve?”

Mu Qing is thirteen years old – fuck knows what he’s trying to achieve. He’s trying not to have his life ruined if Mister Wang finds out about his body.

“I don’t want him to move in with us,” he says curtly, because that’s neither the full truth nor a lie, so it’s safe to say.

“I’m sure that won’t happen for quite a while, if it ever happens,” Xie Lian says, putting a hand on his shoulder and patting it a little, “just take it easy for now, okay? And if you dislike him for a genuine reason, then I’m sure you can talk to your mom about it, and you can work it out.”

Mu Qing would dislike anyone else the same amount, for the very same reason. He’s scared.

He’s scared as hell.

He can’t have his life destroyed again.

In the end, Mu Qing only really manages an exhausted grumble. He’s had enough of this day and this whole thing, and he might really need to start rethinking his strategy if nothing else ends up working. It’s just…

He’s so scared. He can’t put into words how much dread he feels at the pure prospect of anyone finding out.

“Was he nice when he was at yours?” Feng Xin asks, but Mu Qing decides not to answer him. Of course he was. Overly nice. He didn’t even care much when Mu Qing destroyed his shirt, which should be something to upset anybody. But no, he was just understanding. Right now, he was also just understanding. He knows he’s being stupid, at this point. He knows he’s trying to make his mother’s life worse, for no reason other than selfishness.

And if Xie Lian and Feng Xin think he’s not ashamed of this himself, then they’re wrong. Because he very much is. Maybe he should really just shut up and bear it. It’s his problem, not his mom’s. His mom wasn’t the one born the wrong way, she’s just been the one having to put up with all the effects it had on Mu Qing.

Mu Qing doesn’t doubt her love. He knows that she doesn’t find him disgusting or anything of the like. But he does know that it hurts her to see him hurt. He knows it’s hard for her to watch, so he’s been trying his best to hide it all from her regardless.

It’s been a bit better since he was allowed to go on a tiny dose of testosterone, fitting for his age. Well, Mu Qing wished he’d been put on more, but he also doesn’t want to be stuck at this height, so there’s that. He’ll just have to wait until he catches up with Feng Xin or whatever.

“Mu Qing, seriously. It’ll all be okay,” Xie Lian says again, his hand still on his shoulder. He strokes it a few more times, then lets go. “Just give it some time, and if not, you can still talk to your mom and at least ask her not to have him come over to yours. I’m sure she’d respect that.”

Once again, a non-committal grunt.

That’s exactly the problem.

She would respect it, but she shouldn’t have to, because Mu Qing has not a single reason to interfere with his mother’s life like that.

She’s still her own person, after all.

Quietly, he shakes his head, and readjusts his school bag on his back a little, looking out at the street.

“Can you two just let me go home for now? I have nothing more to say. You know now, congrats, so can you just leave me be?”

“Oh, prissy cat, I see,” Feng Xin says, “sure, sure, go your own merry way. I’m gonna go see my girlfriend then. Something you don’t have.”

“I already said I’m gay!” Mu Qing screeches, and Xie Lian laughs, and despite it all, it seems weirdly light-hearted between them. It calms him down a bit, and in the end, he manages to say just a bit about his emotions, give just a small apology. “…Sorry for shouting at you. I just want to be alone right now.”

“Hm, it’s fine,” Xie Lian says, “see you tomorrow, then?”

“Hm. See you tomorrow.”

Notes:

mister wang the gentle parent mu qing didnt know he needed but got anyway btw

Chapter 15: Maths&Cats: 14

Notes:

,,,once again almost forgot to post this but aka i am HERE now it is here i am here. JKHADFKJGHJ uni starting back up again tmr... suffering is back ON my people,,,

“…This is awkward,” Feng Xin comments, and Mu Qing only really knows to comment that with a little ‘no shit’.

It’s been a month since Mu Qing has kind of given up.

…And a month since he’s come out to his best friends, and since he’s learned about the existence of Feng Xin’s girlfriend, which honestly, kind of ruins his life. He’s seen them kiss once. During break. He nearly threw up. At least they didn’t do that in front of him again – they do however hold hands in front of him too frequently, so Mu Qing just tries his hardest to ignore it at this point.

Mister Wang, who was the one to open the door for Feng Xin and Xie Lian before Mu Qing could do so, just kind of smiles.

“Haha… I suppose so,” he laughs, a bit awkwardly, “don’t mind me. I’m not going to say any teacher-things to you guys while I’m here, anyway… I’m just some guy, too…”

Except he isn’t, because he’s also dating Mu Qing’s mom, which is more than just ‘some guy’. Mu Qing tolerates him, but that doesn’t mean he’s ok with this situation in any way. He’s still a piece of shit to him in class, but he does try his hardest to play it nice in front of his mom, because she deserves to be happy. At any rate, it’s good that she found someone she likes that close after the divorce and stuff, even if it doesn’t make up for Mu Qing’s father cheating on her at the end, of course.

He's been at theirs a little more frequently recently. Mostly just for some casual cake and coffee after work, or for dinner a few times. Mu Qing’s mom always meticulously informs him, though, so he can hide all his stuff even more thoroughly than when Feng Xin and Xie Lian come over. It’s just a bit inconvenient, but he’s… kind of handling it.

“Ha… yeah, I guess,” Feng Xin says, stepping inside, followed closely by Xie Lian, who looks a bit less awkward around their teacher casually being in Mu Qing’s home. He gets his shoes off like he usually does, and casually greets him as if he’s always been here.

“It’s nice to see you!” he exclaims, casually shaking his hand like an old acquaintance’s, which… well, Mu Qing supposes it isn’t wrong. They are, kind of.

“It’s nice to see you, too, Xie Lian! You guys here to study, or just to hang out? No worries, I’m not going to judge you if it’s just to hang out. You and Mu Qing have good enough grades not to need to study, anyway.”

Feng Xin gives a little grumble at that, and for the first time, Mu Qing feels something like like towards his teacher again. Bullying Feng Xin is where it’s really at. He’d make friends even with his biological father if that were the case. (No, he wouldn’t.)

“We’re just here to hang out this time, or, well, I am. Feng Xin’s still gotta do his maths homework.”

“Loser,” Mu Qing says to emphasize that point. With a now practiced obnoxious smirk, he adds: “not enough time because of your girlfriend, eh?”

“Oh shut up, you’re just jealous,” Feng Xin says, and at this point… Mu Qing does sometimes wonder whether he’s jealous, but he doesn’t actually care much about having a partner. He doesn’t want to be with Jian Lan, either, obviously, because he’s gay. He’s not going to keep thinking about it, though.

“Oh, you have a girlfriend?” Mister Wang asks, and Feng Xin rolls his eyes.

“Yes, which Mu Qing won’t let go. He’s immature as hell about it. Now that you’re like, in the family, give him an earful about it, alright?”

“Haha… I don’t think I’ll be doing that,” he makes awkwardly, and Mu Qing puts on a small smile. Damn right. He has no right to interfere in his mother’s parenting in the least.

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” his mother says, stepping out from the bathroom, “Qing-er’s just like that. Feng Xin, and if you seriously tell him to stop, he will! So either do that, or bear with it, please.”

“…You’re too nice for the fact your son is an annoying dwarf,” Feng Xin says, only because he towers over Mu Qing a bit.

“Let’s just go to my room,” Mu Qing says because god, he wants out of this situation. Yeah, maybe he’s warming up to this a little. Maybe this isn’t half-bad. Maybe all his concerns are for nothing, as long as he just knows whether he’s going to be here or not. Maybe Mu Qing has just been a little paranoid about it all, and it’s all easier than expected.

And, truth be told… Mister Wang is a lot nicer than his father. No matter what Mu Qing does, he never gets shouted at, doesn’t even get scolded. Well, he did get scolded by his mom once when she caught him being mean, which made her look really sad, so Mu Qing’s been extra careful afterwards. But the guy himself never really said anything. Just smiles and said oh no, it’s quite alright, no worries. He still teaches as he always does, taking care not to infuriate Mu Qing too much, and really not even talking much about his grades even when Mu Qing fucked up the last test on purpose.

…Because he could tell it was on purpose, because Mu Qing got his homework that they had to hand in completely correct, which was the test’s content but just with different numbers. So, yeah.

He’s nice.

Fine, okay, he’s nice, and it’s been harder and harder to be awful towards him.

He’s overheard his mom talk about what his father had done, just a little. Not the details, obviously, but she went into a few details, which made Mu Qing expect him to pity him or whatever, but none of that happened. If anything, he’s just become more understanding, and even more lenient with him.

He still hasn’t told his mom what a bitch he’s being in class, either.

“Ah, wait, wait, not yet, it smells great,” Feng Xin says, “I haven’t been around in so long, and I miss your mom’s cooking. What’s it this time?”

“Ah, A-Xin,” Mu Qing’s mom sighs, „you’re so lovely. Come with me, there’s still leftover cake, I’ll give you and Xie Lian some! If I’d known you would come here today, I’d have made it even bigger, come! It’s chocolate cake, so I know you’ll like it. Ah, you don’t mind the bit of alcohol in the cream, right?”

“No, no, no worries,” Xie Lian says, “I’ve gotten wasted last weekend with my brother, so-“

He shuts up right then and there, awkwardly glancing back at Mister Wang.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear anything. Besides, better to do it with family than shady people. Just take care, you’re still young.”

“…Jun Wu is the epitome of ‘shady people’, though,” Mu Qing grumbles, crossing his arms.

Xie Lian steps on his foot a bit at the comment, but Mu Qing knows damn well he’s right. And he knows that Xie Lian knows, too.

Still. Even towards underage drinking, the guy is so relaxed? Well, what he said isn’t wrong. Obviously Xie Lian shouldn’t become an alcoholic or whatever, but it’s definitely safer to get drunk with family instead of some randoms strangers or friends your age that don’t know when to stop, either.

“Yeah, my cake isn’t going to make you drunk. If Qing-er doesn’t get drunk from it, I highly doubt you would, either,” his mother laughs, then goes and grabs them some pieces of cake.

“…I want another piece, too,” Mu Qing sighs, which is more embarrassing than it should be just because Mister Wang is here. Even being hungry feels like another weakness in front of the guy right now. He dislikes it.

But most of all, he dislikes the way he doesn’t actually… dislike him being here anymore. It doesn’t feel like he’s his father or whatever. Obviously not. And if it felt that way, it wouldn’t be a positive thing, either, but it feels just fine. Kind of like a parent’s friend that comes over a lot, and sure, Mu Qing might walk in on him kissing his mother’s cheek or whatever, but that gives him significantly less brain damage than the time Feng Xin kissed Jian Lan in front of him.

Which, again – Mu Qing won’t think about that.

“Sure, sure!”

With that, his mother disappears into the kitchen to go get them all some more cake, while Mister Wang goes back to sitting down on the sofa, in front of their relatively small TV.

Mu Qing just… wonders. Whether he’ll ever invite him over to his, too, and not just his mom. He’s probably not doing it because he’s assuming Mu Qing would be uncomfortable with it, but… maybe he wouldn’t actually be. He kind of wants to see how his teacher lives, if he’s already dating his mom and all. Or at least find out a bit more about him. Sure, he knows some of his hobbies now, like that he goes swimming a lot and helps out at charities just like his mom does, and that he actually plays video games in his free time and even tests them sometimes. But…

Ugh. No. Mu Qing doesn’t want a replacement dad. He doesn’t need a replacement dad. This isn’t what this is about, because it isn’t about him. It’s just about his mom. Mu Qing just so happens to be in the equation against his own will.

The three of them are silent until Mu Qing’s mother comes back with the cake, and then they take it to his room to eat there. Mu Qing digs in almost right away, as if to drown out his sorrows in a heap of chocolate. Usually, that works, so this is another try at it, nothing more.

“He’s chill,” Feng Xin says as soon as he’s closed the door and nearly dropped his stupid cake in the process. “I don’t see your issue at all, Mu Qing. Is he homophobic?”

“…No,” Mu Qing sighs, “every time I bring up Volleyball’s new owners, he just asks to see new photos of her. He even said that if I ever want to go there on the weekends or whatever when the bus schedules are different, he could take me. Obviously I haven’t taken him up on that offer, but… he doesn’t seem very disturbed by the fact her new owners are two guys.”

“Well, I mean, obviously he knows I was born a girl and stuff,” Xie Lian says, “I mean, my official records all say that, but he doesn’t care about that at all. So it would’ve been strange if he was homophobic.”

True enough.

But just because he accepts Xie Lian, that doesn’t mean…

Mu Qing swallows that fear back down.

“I guess,” he concedes, “maybe he isn’t that bad.”

 

*

 

The next day, when Mu Qing comes home from school, his mother basically storms towards him. He was out a little later than usual because Xie Lian told him that he should totally go to the fencing club with him, just once, he doesn’t need to pay or have any equipment or something, just to try it out. Mu Qing had texted his mom that so that she wouldn’t worry, and he did actually enjoy it, although…

Rich people hobby.

He said he didn’t like it much so that Xie Lian (who looked very dejected after he’d said that) wouldn’t dare offer to pay for him. Mu Qing wouldn’t be able to stand the humiliation of it, even if Xie Lian would’ve obviously meant well.

He’s a big confused by his mother’s fussing, though.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I forgot your stuff in the bathroom, I…”

Oh.

Fuck.

Mu Qing freezes in place, still standing in the door. He drops the small bag of pastries that Xie Lian had given him, since his mom had once more bought too many.

He blinks.

She forgot.

“He just needed the bathroom, and we were in the area, so I offered him to just come in quickly, but I forgot… I didn’t think to check before he went in there, I’m so sorry, Qing-er.”

And Mu Qing can’t even be mad, because it’s his mom, and he loves her a lot, even if he could reasonably be mad at her right now. However, the pure thought of screaming at her in any way makes him sick, settling inside of his stomach next to the nausea caused by the fact that he must know now.

“Did you tell him?” he asks, his voice not even sounding like his own, flat and robotic and just a bit off. Like he’s here but not really.

“I- he asked me about it, just ‘cause he knows it’s just us two here, and he got a bit worried seeing hormones and that stuff, mostly because you know, some people do misuse them for training and the like, though, obviously I don’t go to the gym, haha, but…”

She’s panicking, too. It’s why Mu Qing isn’t mad.

No, he’s just shocked, to be honest. He knows.

“So, you told him?”

“…Roughly. No specifics, but… I think he figured the rest out on his own anyway. Ah, don’t worry, he didn’t react badly or anything, he really doesn’t mind…”

Doesn’t mind? How could he not fucking mind what Mu Qing is? How could anyone but his mom simply not mind?

He can feel his breathing start to speed up in spite of himself, even if he’s trying so hard to keep it together. He must’ve lied to his mother so that she doesn’t break up with him or something, because no way in hell does he just not mind. He might not tell others like Mu Qing had originally thought, but he still could, now, and that’s terrifying enough.

Those few months during which his classmates and teachers and former friends knew were terrifying enough.

He can’t have this repeat.

For a split second, Mu Qing toys with the thought of killing the guy, but come on now – he’s fourteen, his teacher is a grown man, Mu Qing cried himself to hell and back with just giving Volleyball away, he’s obviously not going to be able to kill a person. He also doesn’t want to go to prison, and he knows he’d be caught, because again – Mu Qing cannot kill a guy.

So, that isn’t an option. He can’t bribe him to stay quiet either, because he’s poor.

“Qing-er, seriously, he doesn’t mind. I did mention you’re intersex and that you need the hormones, so it’s nothing to worry about at all, and he just nodded and said that it’s alright, and good, because then he doesn’t have to worry about me illegally taking testosterone to gain muscles or whatever he was worried about… he was good about it. You don’t have to worry about anything. He’s not going to see or treat you any different, or tell anyone. I told him that your friends don’t know, so he can’t tell anyone, and he agreed immediately. It’s okay, Qing-er.”

Her hand on his arm feels just as distant as his own voice does right now. It barely steadies him. He sees how worried she is, but forces himself to crack a smile anyway.

He can’t make his mom worry. He can’t. He has to make sure to at least make up for all the awful things his father did, because his mom deserves them, because she’s been taking care of him forever, so he should do the best he can and give back something, anything.

“…Okay,” he says, “I’m going to my room. I still have to do homework.”

Unable to look her in the eyes once more, Mu Qing turns around and walks towards his bedroom as fast as he can so that his mom can’t even think of following him. She leaves him alone when it’s clear enough, and he thinks that right now, it has to be. He just needs some time. He needs time to calm down and make some kind of plan.

But, most importantly, he needs to have a panic attack somewhere his mom can’t see.

So, as soon as he’s through the door, he closes it, his shoes still on, and sinks down onto the floor, breathing accelerating until he goes dizzy with it. He holds onto his school bag, the one with the pastries probably still in the entranceway, and tries his hardest to at least not cry, so that his mom can’t see it over dinner.

He has to be okay by dinner, even if his life could potentially fall apart all over again.

Who cares if he doesn’t tell anyone on purpose? If his mom can forget something this important, then he might, too, and Mu Qing sincerely doesn’t want to find that out the hard way.

There’s no way to make sure that doesn’t happen though, so literally all Mu Qing can do is wait to see whether his life is going to go to shit once more or not.

Chapter 16: Maths&Cats: 15

Notes:

*crawls out of the grave that is a masters degree and pollen allergie* haha hiiiiiii i'm heeeeeeere barely aliiiiiive but i'm here on tiiiiiiime haha ....... have fun ....... I'll go back to uni work once i've eaten breakfast and cleaned the bathroom... sighs ...

aka mu qing angsting out 2: electric boogaloo

Mu Qing has no idea how to deal with any of this. The anxiety eats away at him with every single maths lesson, and even every single time he sees Mister Wang walk along the hallway. He doesn’t treat him differently, he isn’t saying anything, but just because someone isn’t doing something, that doesn’t mean they’re not thinking it.

Part of Mu Qing thinks he might be paranoid, but is he really? There’s definitely a possibility is whole life will be destroyed all over again when he’s just managed to build it.

So, the next few days are a mess. Mu Qing is scared for himself, but even more than that, he’s scared for his mom. He’s scared he’s going to break up with her, and that Mu Qing will have to see her cry again. He couldn’t stomach that. As far as he knows, he hasn’t been over since then, and his mother hasn’t seen him either. Granted, they’re both busy, adult human beings, so it might just be a lack of time. But it’s just a ‘might’ not a simple ‘is’.

He’s scared and terrified, and it’s making him act out even more, until Feng Xin and Xie Lian very openly tell him that. Mu Qing’s response to that is getting even more scared, and assuming the two of them hate him now.

As a result, he’s been avoiding them for the past three days now, too. He’s stuck sitting next to them in class, but he’s so anxious about them possibly hating him that he avoids them during break, and that it was even so bad it outdid his anxiety of talking to new people.

Or, in other words: Mu Qing has been hanging with the emo kids from two classes up for the past three days. He was standing around on his own, not really knowing what to do or where to go, so they kind of adopted him. They do smoke during breaks, which isn’t very nice, because Mu Qing doesn’t like the smell of cigarette smoke a lot, but they’re nice to him. They’ve offered him a cigarette multiple times now, and Mu Qing, who doesn’t really know how to say ‘no’ as soon as someone is genuinely nice to him, accepted all of them and also a packet of matches so he could light them whenever. Mu Qing has, very obviously, been hiding them from his mom as much as he can. His mom is very good about privacy though and always has been, so he isn’t too concerned she will go through his fucking underwear drawer or anything. He’s keeping anything he wants to hide from her out of any place that contains any documents though, because if she ever needs them, Mu Qing would rather she doesn’t stumble upon three cigarettes. Yet, whenever he leaves the house, he still makes sure to take them with him, just… in case.

In case he wants to try it out, or whatever, because the emo kids all say that it can be quite calming and whatnot. Also, it would make him kind of cool if he tried it. And, most importantly, if his maths teacher were to catch him, Mu Qing could provoke him just a tiny bit further, see what he’s really thinking about who he is, or rather, what he is. Mu Qing isn’t sure how much he sees himself as human, some days. Not just because he’s disgusted with himself most of the time, but also because right now, he’s more anxiety than human anyways.

He knows his mother must have noticed by now, and that she’s probably just waiting to address it with him.

Mu Qing is dreading the day.

“Alright, I’ll pack it up and head home for the day,” one of the emo kids says. A girl Mu Qing quite likes. Honestly, she reminds him of his mom, personality-wise. Maybe he has some mommy issues after all, no matter how much he loves his mom. Oh no.

“Hm, sure, I’ll come with you. You heading to the store first?”

“Yup, still gota buy dinner,” she says, “Mu Qing, are you coming with us?”

“Ah… no,” Mu Qing says, coughing a little when the girl breathes out the smoke of her cigarette once more, then stomps it out on the floor. She very diligently picks it back up after a bit though, and flicks it into the trash can next to her. “I’ve gotta help my mom cook tonight, so…”

The other thing he’s found out is that emo kids do not necessarily hate their parents actually, so he doesn’t feel all too bad mentioning his mom. He knows the girl only really has her dad, and that one of the guys does indeed have a poor relationship with his parents, but the other one is totally fine about them. Just happens to dress all black.

“Oh, right! What’s for dinner tonight?” the girl asks, “you know, if you don’t smoke, you don’t gotta keep accepting cigarettes.”

“No! No, it’s fine, I’ll try it!” Mu Qing says, which makes the girl chuckle a bit. He feels his face grow a bit red at it. “And, uh, just Sichuan eggplant. Not a lot today.”

“Oh, tasty though. Have fun, then! See you tomorrow!”

“Y-yes,” Mu Qing stammers, and watches them leave while he remains in the small area behind the school that they apparently hang out at pretty much every day, or so it seems. With a little sigh, he does look back down at the cigarette, thinking to himself that, well… he could. He could try. Would it really hurt to try? It’s not like he has the money to buy himself new ones anyway, so it’s not like he’s going to get addicted. Besides, he’s not going to like it anyway.

For a bit, he just wonders what way you’re even meant to hold it. Do you put the brown or the white bit into your mouth?

He turns it around a few times until he decides that he doesn’t know.

So, Mu Qing shamefully pulls up his phone to go look up just how exactly you even light a cigarette. It’s embarrassing as hell, but he’ll make do with this, he’s decided. He’s got three cigarettes. Even if he fucks it up twice, surely he’ll manage on the third try, right?

The first article he finds does teach him to put the brown end into his mouth, so that’s what he does. Next is lighting it up, and he’s sure he doesn’t need a tutorial for that.

He’s good at lighting up matches, at least, because his mom is very into candles, so he can handle matches very well.

He strikes it against the side, and it lights up without any other issues, so he brings it up towards the cigarette.

Truth be told – Mu Qing is very scared of having his first cigarette right now, but he’s going to try it regardless. It takes a moment for the fire of the match to properly make it onto the cigarette. Does he have to suck it in right away? He has no idea, so for a bit, he just kind of stands there, the burning cigarette stuck in his mouth. Once he’s deemed that enough time has passed, he thinks that okay, alright.

Now is Mu Qing’s time to become not just inwardly emo, but also outwardly emo.

And so, the time comes that Mu Qing takes his first drag of a cigarette, in his entire life.

And is thrown into a coughing fit right away, because oh, this is disgusting. He can very much feel the way the grainy smoke makes its way into his lungs, and then back out with his coughs. Oh, it’s disgusting. It hurts. There are tears in his eyes all of a sudden, and he tries so, so hard to look cool and detached and not at all bothered by the feeling of this all, but fails so horribly. It’s probably very embarrassing, and he should probably be glad that no one is here to see him. Imagine if he’d done this in front of the emo kids. They’d most definitely have gone and laughed at him. Or at least chuckle at him, because they’re too nice to be actively mean.

Either way – they’d find it really funny and embarrassing to see him suck at smoking so much. So it’s for the better if no one ever learns of this.

Yet… he can try again, right?

So, once Mu Qing caught his breath a little bit, he tries his best just once more. He takes another drag, and the tears that had just gotten better immediately come back at full force. Yeah. Maybe he isn’t made for this, after all.

“Mu Qing, what the fuck are you doing?” suddenly comes a voice, and Mu Qing drops the cigarette right then and there. It falls onto the floor with a pitiful little sound, and next thing he knows, he’s already got a fist land in his face.

Alright then.

Because Feng Xin just fucking loves violence, right? Mu Qing would rather die than be friends with him, some days. Seriously, what is the issue of this guy?

Obviously, he can’t just leave it be, and Xie Lian doesn’t seem to be anywhere around, so Mu Qing actually can fight back for once and doesn’t just have to take it.

He grabs Feng Xin by the collar and pulls him close before forcefully shoving him away, even doubling down with another kick to his shin that makes Feng Xin audibly groan in pain. Fucking good. He deserves that. Fuck, his cheek hurts.

“It’s none of your shitty fucking business what I’m doing!” Mu Qing shouts at him, and is just about to pick that lonely cigarette back up before Feng Xin can lean down just in time to snatch it from him, and hit his chin with his elbow on his way back up.

“You bastard, that’s mine!” Mu Qing screams, but Feng Xin only responds by flicking the still burning cigarette much farther away, into the grass. Luckily, it’s rained yesterday, so it shouldn’t do any damage, but damn, does this guy sincerely have no brain?

“It isn’t yours, because you’re way too fucking pussy to go and buy a pack of ciagrettes, and besides, you’d never get them even if you tried, because you look your age, which is arguably not eighteen. So, what the fuck do you think you were doing here, exactly? Are you smoking now because you're angsting out about your mom having a new boyfriend? Seriously, Mu Qing, get a grip!”

God, because Feng Xin just loves judging situations from nothing but the outside, without ever sincerely fucking asking what’s wrong. Because, who knows, maybe Mu Qing would even tell him, if only he asked. Or if Xie Lian sincerely asked, without that shitty judgy undertone in his voice that he does a lot of the time that no one but Mu Qing seems to fucking notice. Mu Qing isn’t stupid, and he knows that he isn’t paranoid about that. He used to think Xie Lian and his mother were roughly the same, but he was in fact wrong about that in a lot of ways. First of all, Xie Lian can keep secrets better than his mom. Yes, it was an accident on his mom’s behalf, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t still hurt by it regardless. And, on Xie Lian’s side – he’s much more judgmental than Mu Qing’s mom. He hadn’t realized that when first becoming friends with him, but really, just what does he think on the inside? Mu Qing, more often than not, feels like he can’t tell at all.

Like he doesn’t actually know Xie Lian, and honestly, maybe that’s for the better, if he really thinks about it.

“You have no fucking idea what’s going on in my life, so if you could stop drawing your own fucking conclusions, it’d be much appreciated.”

After all, you don’t get away from a friendship with Feng Xin without at the very least picking up the word ‘fucking’.

“Well, you’re not giving us anything else to work with other than our own conclusions, because you won’t talk! What are you, some government agent that can’t trust us? Be so serious, Mu Qing, you’re not that special!”

“If I’m not that special, then why bother?” Mu Qing asks, letting that mocking tone he’s adapted over the past few months drip through his voice as much as he wants it to. On top of that, he figures that he could go ahead and piss Feng Xin off even more. So, he takes out the second of his three cigarettes, and lights this one up, too. Feng Xin watches in utter disbelief. Probably because both of his words and his cigarette.

“You have more than one?” he stutters, completely dumbfounded.

“Obviously. I told you they’re mine.”

“You’ve actually lost it. Just the other day I thought you’d finally been about to get a grip, but then today you scream at poor Mister Wang in front of everyone, for quite literally no reason other than that he asked you to do a goddamn maths equation in the most normal maths teacher tone of voice ever. And now this? What, are you trying to kill yourself next?”

The words ‘no, I’m not Xie Lian’ lie on his tongue, but he just about swallows them down.

Seemingly, Feng Xin seems to be able to tell that’s what he was thinking though, because his fist swings at him once more. This time, Mu Qing at least gets the time to dodge it, and to grab Feng Xin’s arm so he can stop trying to pummel him in the fucking face. If Mu Qing likes aanything about his body, it’s his face, alright? He’d preferably live without needing a nose correction surgery if Feng Xin manages to smash it in or whatever.

“You fucking bastard!”

“I didn’t say it!” Mu Qing argues, “and clearly, you were thinking it, too! No, I’m not going to fucking kill myself just because I smoked a single cigarette! You tell me to be serious, but you’re making yourself look like an absolutely stupid clown!”

“Is that the best insult you can do?”

“What are you doing here anyway?” Mu Qing hisses, still trying his best to keep Feng Xin the fuck off him.

Honestly, he hates how much that ‘you’re not special’ comment really hit. It hurt something inside of him. Something much deeper than Feng Xin probably thought it would, and it’s hard for Mu Qing to blame him for that, even when it’s Feng Xin that he could blame, which would be fun. So what if he isn’t special? So what if all he’s good for is some maths, and throwing a tantrum, and smoking at age fourteen? Who cares?

“I was on a date with Jian Lan and then walked home, because some of us are in a relationship.”

“You are,” Mu Qing says, “literally no one else is, and everyone thinks you look stupid as hell for it, too. You’re fourteen, you’re going to break up anyway, so do it sooner rather than later.”

“I don’t have to do anything, and we are in love, thank you very much, so stop with your little jealousy crusade. If you keep acting like this, you’ll literally never find someone who likes you.”

“Don’t worry, I’m well aware,” Mu Qing grunts, finally managing to land another kick in Feng Xin’s shin, at which the other stumbles back. Good. Mu Qing couldn’t have dealt with him being so close for even a fucking second longer.

He’s not okay.

All of Feng Xin’s comments, they’re hitting the exact spots that have been sore all his life.

Obviously no one is ever going to like him Not when he looks like this. Not when he’s neither a boy nor a girl, really. Not when he’s some weird… in-between, when no one even fucking knows what he is. He doesn’t even know himself. Yes, he prefers being a boy to being a girl, by far, but it doesn’t feel… properly right, either.

It’s not like it matters. Being a boy is better than being a girl. He’ll take that for now.

He doesn’t need to be happy, after all. He just needs to be somewhat okay enough to function and not cause any more trouble for his mom than he already has all of his life.

“Seriously, Mu Qing, I don’t get what’s going on with you. We keep asking you to talk, but you never fucking do it, and by now, I feel like you’re just being a dick for no reason. You need to get a grip, because I’m genuinely going to stop being your friend if this keeps up.”

“Then do it!” Mu Qing screams, because Feng Xin threatening to leave is about the last fucking thing he needs, and it’s also about the last thing that makes him snap. “Then just leave me like literally everyone always does!”

Even to Mu Qing, this sounds a little overly like a line from an angsty teenage movie, but he’s an angsty teenager, so he doesn’t care right now. Not when he feels like the world is about to end, anyway.

He cares.

For Feng Xin and Xie Lian.

He doesn’t like to think it, but truth is that he does, and he can’t exactly hide it from himself, either, so everything he can do is try to protect himself a bit more, and tell Feng Xin to leave so that it looks like he has some kind of control over this situation, still.

Of course he doesn’t.

He lost that last bit of control when his maths teacher found out about him.

“Lord, seriously, Mu Qing, you’re being a little bitch, why are you acting like some hysteric girl-“

Feng Xin’s sexism aside – it’s this which makes that red-hot feeling of anger that had already taken ahold of him boil over for good. Mu Qing had thought he’d snapped before, but he was wrong.

That only happens now.

Because in no way would he say what he’s about to say if he wasn’t backed into a corner, and if he wasn’t pissed off enough.

This way, at least, he might regain the control back that he lost previously.

This way, no one else can destroy his life again.

This way, he can destroy it himself, instead.

“Because I was a girl for most of my life, and now I’m a guy, but I’m fucking neither, actually, and I fucking look like it too, and my maths teacher just had to find out I’m intersex which means he can ruin my life because everyone hated me when they found out, so now you can finally have a proper reason to hate me too, and you can tell everyone else so the entire school can hate me all over again!”

Between them, it goes quiet. Well, not quiet. Feng Xin is breathing heavily from their fight, and Mu Qing is breathing heavily because of that, and also because of how much he was screaming just now.

And then, he not just snaps, but also cracks, and Mu Qing finds himself crying before he can do anything else.

It’s over now.

It’ll all be over now.

He’s just going to be alone from here on out.

And, given the look on Feng Xin’s face, that’s exactly what’s going to happen.

Chapter 17: Maths&Cats: 16

Notes:

hi im back! a little LESS swamped in uni work this time!! (still took me 8h to complete my to-do today but yk. full time job, theoretically, ig JHADG)

sorry for the cliffhanger last tiem !! JKHADFGJK

Mu Qing feels so scared he thinks he’s going to throw up for a few seconds. He stands there heaving, and Feng Xin also stands there, opposite of him, but that one look on his face was more than enough to have scared Mu Qing to hell and back.

“Mu Qing…” he starts, but Mu Qing interrupts him.

“You don’t have to say anything. You know now, so now you can band together with him or whatever, and you can tell everyone else, and you can destroy my whole life, because you hate me so much anyway.”

“What the- calm the fuck down, oh my God,” Feng Xin sighs, and suddenly he’s approached Mu Qing, and he’s taken his hand before Mu Qing can do anything about it. He squeezes it once, then lets go of it to squeeze his shoulder instead.

Maybe remembered he’s got a girlfriend last second, or whatever. Mu Qing would rather die than think about Feng Xin’s girlfriend right now, if he’s honest.

“Leave me alone,” he breathes out, but only received a firm shake of Feng Xin’s head about it.

“No, because I kinda just don’t get it, to be honest? Do you mean- you’re like Xie Lian?”

“…No. I’m not. Kind of, a bit. I guess.”

“Can you just explain it to me so I can understand?”

Mu Qing sincerely just wants to insult Feng Xin as stupid or whatever right now, but he can’t bring himself to do that. That’s how terrified he is right now. So terrified that he can’t even insult Feng Xin. He hates this.

But the question sounds so genuine. Like he really just wants to know and understand, and Mu Qing cracks about it.

“…Not here,” he mumbles, and Feng Xin does agree.

“The park? We’ll just find a quiet bench or whatever?” Feng Xin asks. He squeezes Mu Qing’s shoulder again, and then pats his stupid hair once. “Eh, you’re not getting a choice. A bench in the park it is, and I’ll grab us something to snack and drink at a vending machine. It’s on me today, and you’re not allowed to pay.”

 

*

 

After fifteen minutes, they’re indeed seated on a the bench at the outer edge of the park, since that’s the only place Mu Qing feels safe enough to talk about any of it. He has a bottle of water and a muesli bar from the vending machine, because he currently doesn’t trust his stomach with anything else, while Feng Xin has beef jerky, rice crackers, chocolate, and two bottles of coke.

Something is severely wrong with this guy.

“So? Explain it to me, ‘cause I kind of don’t get it, but now you’ve already gotten it all out, so it’d be a waste if you didn’t even explain.”

“…I guess,” Mu Qing says, but he’s so bad at talking about this. His eyes feel all teary. He hates it so much.

“So, you said you’re only a bit like Xie Lian? What’s that mean?”

“…I wasn’t born a girl or a boy. Just some weird- something. Neither. Something in between. I don’t really know. I look more- like a girl. There. Than like a boy, but you’d still know something is wrong.”

“Ah,” Feng Xin mumbles, “yeah, I’ve heard of that once. I don’t know a lot about it, but…”

Mu Qing doesn’t really want him to interrupt him, because that might mean that he’s going to completely lose the courage to talk about it.

“Since I looked more like a girl, my father insisted we should just raise me as a girl. My mom wasn’t too fond of the idea, but she agreed it’d probably be easier to do that than wait until I was old enough to understand. So I grew up like that, but my mom made sure to talk to me about it a lot and stuff.”

“Hm. She seems like the kind. I’m glad she was nice about it.”

“But then I- then I realized I’m not a girl. I don’t want to be one, and I’d much rather be a boy, at least kind of, and I thought it’d be- okay to say. To my parents. But it wasn’t, and my father was really awful about it, and everyone at school was awful about it too, so… my parents got a divorce about it, and then we moved, so I could have a new start. And then I made f-f-friends with you guys, and I thought everything was going to be fine, but now my mom started dating Mister Wang, and he found out about it all now because my mom forgot to move my hormones and stuff, and he got worried, so she explained it to him… and I’m scared.”

He's not used to admitting his emotions like this. And after this, he probably won’t do it again for a long time.

“I’m really scared,” he blurts out again, drawing his legs onto the bench to hug his knees and bury his face in them. He doesn’t want to see Feng Xin right now.

But he doesn’t really have to see him, because Feng Xin simply puts a hand onto his back anyway. It’s enough for Mu Qing to know that he’ll hopefully be fine. That maybe, even if everyone else turns against him again, Feng Xin might not. That maybe he’d have at least a single ally in this.

“…Okay. I can kind of see why you acted like such a little bitch now, but my point stands. I still think you should’ve just told us.”

“No, you don’t get it!” Mu Qing shouts, his temper exploding, because while Feng Xin isn’t hating on him, he’s still being unreasonable and not really understanding. “It was really bad. I- if we hadn’t, moved, I’d probably have done the same thing as Xie Lian. At one point. I wasn’t okay. It was really bad. My father- he said such awful stuff, and I guess he’s right about a lot of things, but- Mom says he shouldn’t have said these things and that they aren’t true. I want to believe her, but…”

“Whatever your old man said, it was probably bullshit,” Feng Xin says, “parents can be utter pieces of shit. No, look- I get why you’re scared. I’m not going to tell anybody. I don’t care, either. As long as you’re not a girl, everything’s fine.”

“…You have a girlfriend, Feng Xin,” Mu Qing says, a little dumbfoundedly.

“Jian Lan’s different.”

Mu Qing doesn’t really see how she’s different, but he’ll let his bullshit slide just this once.

Feng Xin’s hand on his back is still incredibly warm. He unconsciously leans into it a bit.

“Seriously, Mu Qing. I do get why you’re scared. Or, well, paranoid, because I think you seem really paranoid, actually. I guess if I was in your situation, I’d properly get it, I think. What was the plan with being mean to our teacher, though? I’m not really sure how that connects.”

“Get him to do something awful so my mom would break up with him, or that I’d have an excuse to hate him, and so that my mom’d be less sad, so that he wouldn’t ever learn. Also that he wouldn’t hurt my mom, but…”

“He won’t. He’s a good guy. He won’t tell anyone, either, Mu Qing. Seriously, you’ve just ought to talk to him. He’s a teacher. You’re not his first student with issues. He’d have kept secrets for a lot of other kids before, too. You’ve just gotta talk to him, and it’ll all be fine. I mean- it’s awkward as hell he’s with your mom, I get that. I do feel awkward about that too. Not as much as you, I guess, but… still. You’ve ought to stop being a bitch to him, Mu Qing. It’s not nice for him. I really don’t think he’d tell anyone, he’s not the type of guy to do that. He won’t hurt your mom either. He’s way too nice for that.”

Deep down, Mu Qing knows that. And it feels good hearing it from someone else at any rate, because honestly, it’s what he needs to hear the most. Because even if theoretically, he’s aware of all of this, that doesn’t mean his paranoia allows him to just accept it.

It’s a bit easier when it’s Feng Xin who says it like it’s all the most natural thing.

“…Hm,” he mumbles. Meekly. Mu Qing feels the tears well up in his eyes too much for him to stop them. At least he’s still got his face buried in his knees. Feng Xin seems to realize that he’s crying from the shaking of his shoulders, though, because with a little sigh, he starts rubbing his back properly.

“It’s fine for me. Obviously. I don’t care what is and isn’t in your pants, just like I don’t care about Xie Lian in that respect. He wouldn’t care, either.”

“Don’t tell him,” Mu Qing cries, “I just- if anything, I’d want to tell him myself, but I can’t yet. I don’t know how, and I only told you because I was so fucking angry.”

It makes Feng Xin laugh.

“Of course that’s what would be needed to make you say these things out loud. I won’t tell him. It’s fine. And I sincerely don’t care. Ah- in the positive way, obviously. I care as in, as obnoxious and shitty as you are, I wouldn’t want someone to be an ass to you about this kind of stuff when they could be an ass about your personality instead.”

This makes Mu Qing pull his head out from between his knees and glare at Feng Xin. Tears in his eyes or not, right now, he can’t even bring himself to care. he needs to make sure that Feng Xin knows he fucking hates him, and nothing could change that. Ever. Feng Xin is being a piece of shit to him just as much as the other way around, though, so at the very least they’re even.

It feels weirdly freeing.

Yet, when Feng Xin sees his tear-smudged face, he reacts a little weirdly. He backs away a bit, and retracts his hand. For a second or two, he seems too stunned to do anything, as if he’s only now properly realizing that Mu Qing can have human emotions and cry over things that aren’t his cat Volleyball (he’ll visit her again on the weekend, even if the couple said they’d have two cousins over or whatever). He reaches into his pockets to retrieve some crumpled up package of tissues, though, and hands one to Mu Qing.

Mu Qing doesn’t take it, instead using his sleeve to wipe his nose.

“Eww. You’re gross. Oh, also, give me whatever cigarettes you still have on you.”

“Fuck you.”

“Come on, Mu Qing, I heard you coughing. I didn’t realize it was you at first, but I heard you. You don’t even smoke. And besides, it’d make your mom sad. So hand them over, alright?”

“…Ugh,” Mu Qing says, and gives the last cigarette he still owned over to Feng Xin, who just flicks it somewhere into the grass of the park.

“Hey! Why are you littering?”

“Eh, who cares, I never litter, let me do it once. Karma isn’t going to come out to kill me for that.”

“Right,” Mu Qing agrees, “because you do much worse every day.”

For a bit, it’s quiet, while he, in the end, accepts the tissue after all. Mu Qing wipes his tears, and blows his nose a few times, his tears finally stopping. His voice remains full of them, however, when he speaks up again.

“…You really don’t find me disgusting? You really don’t hate me for this?”

“I mean, I do find you disgusting, and I do hate you, but not because you were like, born some specific way.”

Weirdly reassuring. Mu Qing lets out a short snort, and in a moment of weakness, and after seeing Feng Xin so weirdly disarmed by how he was still crying a few minutes prior, he lets himself sink against Feng Xin’s shoulder.

They’re both guys.

It’s not like Jian Lan is here to see, and Feng Xin’s straight anyway. Besides, they’re friends. Somewhat. Kind of. Mu Qing thinks they might be. Sometimes, you can lean against a friend’s shoulder. No homo, or whatever the other kids in the school yard say when they do something a little homo.

“Wh-what the fuck are you doing?” Feng Xin stutters, but Mu Qing just shakes his head into his shoulder and stays like this.

 

*

 

It takes a little over an hour for Mu Qing to feel ready to face the world again, after letting himself be comforted by someone that isn’t his mom for possibly the first time in his life. At one point, Feng Xin resumed patting his back, and even his hair for a bit, but in the end, the spell breaks, Mu Qing gets up, and Feng Xin insists that he’s going to walk him home again.

“…Mu Qing,” he starts very tentatively when they arrive at the apartment complex Mu Qing and his mother live in, “you know, I just… wanted to let you know again I guess. I don’t mind. So, if you ever need someone to talk to about anything related to this, you can talk to me about it now, ya know? I don’t mind. Just if you need someone for that. Who isn’t your mom.”

“Yes, thanks,” Mu Qing rasps out, trying to respond to Feng Xin’s sincerity in kind.

It’s hard on him though, so he reaches for his keys as fast as he can and unlocks the front door.

“…You could come upstairs with me,” he mumbles, not daring to look back at Feng Xin, “I made cookies yesterday to destress. And, uh… if you want to come see Volleyball with me on Saturday, we… could. She hasn’t seen you in a while. We could take Xie Lian, too.”

“Oh, yeah!” Feng Xin exclaims immediately, “for both of these things. You think I can take Basketball? I mean, they’re name siblings, so I’m sure they’ll get along. You think your mom and Mister Wang should come along, too?”

“Maybe,” Mu Qing concedes, because no matter how scary it is, Feng Xin is probably right. He should probably just talk to his maths teacher already. He should just make sure he doesn’t tell anyone, and that he doesn’t hurt his mom.

He owes this to both him, and also to his mother. He’ll try. Maybe not tomorrow, but this week, still.

He’ll try.

Together, they make their way upstairs, and walk in through the door to the flat once Mu Qing has unlocked it.

“Ah, Qing-er, bless you’re home, I was just about to call you! You didn’t tell me how long you were going to stay out, so I got a little worried, but you’re here now- are you okay? Oh my god, did you cry?”

“He’s fine now,” Feng Xin reassures her before Mu Qing can, “he’s just an idiot, and I caught him trying to smoke a cigarette because he’s trying to be an emo kid at the moment. Tell him to never do that again, please, because he looked really stupid. But your son’s an idiot.”

“Haaah, Qing-er, what’d you get yourself into?” his mom asks, approaching him, and patting down his arms a little before ruffling his hair. “No smoking, alright? You’re way too young for that. If you do it here and there when you’re older, I won’t be mad, but no nicotine addiction for you, young man. Are you sure you’re okay? Did something happen?”

“…I told Feng Xin,” he says, and it goes without saying what he means. His mom gives a little sigh, her hand disappearing from his hair.

“I’m glad you felt safe enough to tell him. Everything’s alright?”

“Yes, yes, don’t worry,” Feng Xin interjects, “I don’t mind or whatever. I don’t know a ton about this stuff, but I don’t mind. So, uh… no worries, okay, Mu Qing? It’ll all be fine.”

This time, Mu Qing even manages a little nod.

“Okay,” he says, and for the first time, with his mom and Feng Xin by his side, he feels somewhat convinced.

That everything will be fine.

Maybe it will be, this time.

Chapter 18: Maths&Cats: 17

Notes:

back from the horrors of uni for the day (i say that but i actually had a rlly good time today LMFAO, crazy how uni can be sm fun when you're not in a constant state of burnout because your first Bachelors semester was so fuck crazy in so many ways both academically and personally and hten u simply never got to rest until your BA thesis). time to upload this. hehe

pls mind that this chapter deals with some heavier topics; bullying is addressed in a somewhat detailed way, and parental abuse also. like. this is not a very light one adkjfghadk

“Mu Qing.”

“…Yes?” Mu Qing asks, not really having dared to talk back much to his maths teacher ever since him and Feng Xin had that conversation. Feng Xin was right. He’s probably worrying over nothing.

And even if just for his mother’s sake, it’s better if he just… shuts up about it all.

“If you could stay for a second after class?”

“…Alright,” he sighs, shuffling uncomfortably in his seat but thinking to himself that ah, this has probably been long overdue. He’ll survive this conversation. He’ll try being honest this once. He knows theoretically that Mister Wang is nice. It’s time to believe in him already.

Probably.

The rest of the class leaves, and Xie Lian squeezes his shoulder for a second, while Feng Xin gestures at Xie Lian to go up ahead.

“Sorry,” Feng Xin hisses, not every student having left quite yet, “I just thought… it’s been over two weeks, and you still haven’t talked to him, so I figured I’d make you talk to him already. ‘Cause I think you’re being stupid about all this.”

Mu Qing probably is stupid about this, so he can’t even hate Feng Xin for what he's saying.

“Right,” he only says, and waits until everyone – including Feng Xin – has left, leaving him and Mister Wang alone once more.

“Feng Xin didn’t really say what it was about, but I can probably guess well enough. I’d still rather you just talk to me already, okay, Mu Qing?”

“…Okay,” he responds, finally conceding. It’s time he opened up. Just a little. If this is the man his mother wants to live with one day, even if it’s only after Mu Qing has moved out for university or whatever, then he has to make friends with him.

“I just…” he starts, but it takes him a few more times to make sense of what he even wants to say. It was much easier saying this to Feng Xin in a bout of anger. “I’m scared. That you’ll tell anyone what my mother told you. Or that you’re only saying that it doesn’t matter to appease her, so she doesn’t break up with you or something. I don’t want you to hurt her in any way, either. But I’m scared you’ll tell someone. I don’t know how much Mom told you, but it wasn’t easy. At my old school.”

“She didn’t say a lot. She said that she wouldn’t talk about it a lot without your permission, which I agree with,” Mister Wang says, giving Mu Qing a short smile. Only now does he notice that yeah, he may not be old, but he’s certainly not young anymore, either. There are creases around his eyes and lips when he smiles, and his hands also have a few creases here and there, when he moves them in specific way. It makes him look even gentler than he already looks in general. “But I understand. If I was you, I’d also be scared. I’m good at keeping quiet about these things. I know about Xie Lian, too, and haven’t told anyone. Neither any other student who came to me about any of these things. Obviously, sometimes there are things I have to tell authorities or parents, in case I deem the child to be in danger, but… this isn’t one of them. Unless you choose to tell people, I won’t tell anyone.”

Yeah. Theoretically, Mu Qing has known that for a long time. He just wished he could fully and completely believe it.

“My father,” he blurts out, not really knowing why this is what he’s saying, “he said that I’m disgusting. And that I was disgusting from the start. And that if I’d just stayed a girl and then gotten a surgery to make me a proper girl one day, it would’ve been fine, but he said that I’m ‘leaning into this’ or whatever. He said that- it’s stupid. That there’s only two genders. But I’m not sure I feel completely like a boy, either. I prefer living as a boy to living as a girl, though. By a lot. But he was awful. He- said and did awful things to my mom about it, too. And my mom was always so nice, and she helped me tell everyone at school but- one of the kids put my head underwater in the boys’ toilets. Multiple times. When I first went in there. Some people hid my stuff, and they’d always just- bully me. So now I’m just…”

He hates how he’s saying all this, because he hasn’t even told Feng Xin and Xie Lian as much. Hell – not even his mother knew about the toilet incident.

“Yeah. I’d be scared in that case, too,” Mister Wang says. “I get it. I’m glad you two moved and you’re here now. Ah… not just because of your mother, obviously. I’m glad I got to know you, too. If anyone here ever picks on you, you can let us know. Not all teachers are good about bullying, but I’d like to think I at least try very hard to make it not happen. And besides, Xie Lian and Feng Xin also really care about you. They’re not going to let it happen, either. I genuinely don’t care about the things your father cared about. Obviously I care about you being at ease with others and yourself, but I won’t think you’re weird. Or disgusting, or whatever. I’m not your father. Neither is Xie Lian or Feng Xin.”

“…I know. But it still hurts.”

“Hm. It’s probably going to hurt for a good while,” he answers, “but that’s okay. It’s probably very lame to say, but when you’ve grown up, you’ll view things in a different light. Awful things people said to you will always matter, but they’ll matter less and less. You’ll find people like Feng Xin who don’t care. And those will have to matter more than the ones who do care in negative ways. I’m not going to tell you not to let these things get to you, because they always will. But there’s more to you than whatever other people say about you. A lot of them are wrong, anyway. What people say about you isn't what makes you 'you'. They don't get to make that choice for you.”

Mu Qing is trying his best not to cry. His speech isn’t very different from the ones his mom gave him, back when it all happened with his dad. But then, the wounds were still fresh, and they’re not anymore, now, he find.

He finds that Feng Xin accepting him for who he is, and in fact only asking a few questions and nothing else, not treating him any different, has gone a long way.

Even if it’s only been two weeks ever since Feng Xin knew, he’s been feeling like he can breathe a little easier now. He doesn’t feel as disgusted when he looks in the mirror anymore, either, even if he’s not sure that will ever completely fade, can ever completely fade.

But it’s better than before. Maybe there’s some truth to what his teacher is saying. Maybe he’ll feel different about this when he’s older.

Maybe one day, Mu Qing won’t only be dreaming of having his mom and some friends. Maybe he can have his own family. If there’s people like Feng Xin that don’t care, then maybe…

“I just feel like there’s so much wrong with me,” he breathes out, his words shaky and broken by his sad attempts at not crying because he’s sick and tired of crying in front of others.

“I know that’s also lame as hell to say,” Mister Wang laughs, “but I promise you that every person feels that way. Things will look different in high school, and they’ll look different again at university, and at your first job. One day, you’ll be looking back now and maybe you’ll be angry or sad for your former self, but you’ll also laugh a bit. I sure do. Did you know that when I was your age, I had a girlfriend just like Feng Xin? She dumped me. In music class. In front of everyone. I was destroyed by it, Mu Qing. But, looking back, it’s now just a funny tale I can tell others. I understand if you think I’m just talking nonsense right now, and it probably isn’t helpful either, but one day, things really will look different.”

“I hope so. I don’t want to- stay like this.”

“You won’t,” Mister Wang says, He’s still a good distance away from Mu Qing, who stayed in his own seat the entire time. “You don’t have to believe everything I’m saying, but you can believe just this. You won’t stay like this. You’ll keep working on yourself, and you’ll find people who won’t mind you being you, just like Xie Lian and Feng Xin do right now. Maybe they’ll leave your life or maybe they’ll stay, but there’s going to be others again… ah, I really do sound like an old geezer.”

“…No, you just sound like my mom,” Mu Qing sniffs, wiping away a few tears from his eyes before they can fall. He knows that wiping them away is as good as admitting he’s crying, and while he doesn’t think that he’ll be okay with others knowing that he’s crying any time soon, right now, he’s almost fine with it.

“Maybe your mom and me are both old geezers, then,” he laughs again. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to tell anyone. I don’t mind it, either. You don’t have to accept me as a new father or whatever. I still am your teacher. You can view me as just that, or as your mother’s weird partner, or a friend, or an uncle who comes by every now and then. It’s up to you. I’m not going to force you into anything. But I won’t reject you for something like this.”

Despite how much Mu Qing’s shitty brain is still trying to convince him that he can’t possibly mean it, that someone, something as disgusting and wrong as Mu Qing couldn’t possibly be accepted this easily by his maths teacher who doubles as his mother’s new boyfriend of all things, he believes him.

First, Mu Qing believed Feng Xin – because Feng Xin can’t lie for shit anyway, so he wouldn’t have been able to deceive him in the first place – and then him.

It feels good.

To trust people just a little.

“…Okay. Just my mother’s new partner is fine, for now. I- don’t hate you. And I’m sorry. For the past few months.”

“It’s fine. I don’t mind. Obviously I didn’t like you treating me this way, but I’m not mad, and I understand completely. So don’t feel guilty about this, okay? But also… please don’t actually start smoking. I’d have to actually reprimand you for that because it’s strictly against school rules.”

Ugh, so his mom or Feng Xin told him that of all things.

“Don’t worry, it’s disgusting anyway. I’m not… going to do that. Feng Xin punched me so hard about it anyway, and I’m not risking having that happen again, that bastard.”

“…Ah, and perhaps also take care with how much of Feng Xin’s vocabulary you pick up, Mu Qing. I don’t think you want to end up like him.”

That makes Mu Qing laugh despite the tears in his eyes. He gives another snort once he’s calmed down a bit, and instead zips up his bag, realizing he hadn’t done that yet, and thinking to himself that he probably shouldn’t hold up his teacher for much longer. Maybe they’ll have to have another conversation about these things again one day, but that day isn’t today.

For now, he thinks things are probably resolved enough.

“I won’t, don’t worry. I’m not an idiot like him.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say he’s an idiot…”

“Nah, he is,” Mu Qing insists, gets up, and gingerly tries to walk towards the exit a little. He does have to leave not just because this does feel a bit awkward, but also because he does want to meet up with Xie Lian and Feng Xin later to study, because Feng Xin finally made some time for them again.

…Instead of for Jian Lan.

Which Mu Qing is still pissed about and doesn’t really want to think about any further. He’s also mildly concerned, because sure, they’re only fourteen, but does Mu Qing really trust Feng Xin not to put a fucking child into someone? No, he doesn’t. Eh, there’s probably no concern about it to be had. Jian Lan is probably going to be sensible enough even if Feng Xin isn’t.

“You’re leaving?”

“Ah… I’m seeing Xie Lian and Feng Xin later, and mom told me to still do some shopping, so…”

“Let me drive you. Ah- not the creepy teacher way. I guess this comes off like a horror movie.”

Mu Qing rolls his eyes at him.

“You’ve driven me around before, I’m not scared of you. My mom wouldn’t date a pedophile. If no one sees, because I don’t need rumors spreading for now. I guess at one point they’ll know you’re dating my mom anyway, so… but… if you want to drive me, that’s… that’d be alright.”

That immediately brings a smile to Mister Wang’s face, and he instantly lights up as a whole.

“Great! I’ll gather my stuff. Ah, my colleagues do know I’m dating your mom, so they won’t think anything false… if that’s something you’re concerned about. Besides, my car is so old, it’s basically falling apart. I wouldn’t get far trying to kidnap anyone in that thing.”

That much is true.

“Hm, it’s fine,” Mu Qing sighs, because he does really trust this man. He’s not creepy. He’s a bit weird, and a bit of a nerd, but he isn’t creepy. He’s nice to him and his mom.

…Besides, when they started dating, he apparently didn’t even know that his date’s son is his maths student.

“Alright. Just meet me in the parking lot then, I’ll grab my things.”

“…You can also just stay over till my mom’s home,” Mu Qing mutters after a while, “we’re making roasted duck tonight since she got a raise the other day, so…”

“Ah! I’ll text her and ask her about it, then. If you wanna visit Volleyball, I’m driving you the next time, okay? No more taking the bus for so long. At least you’d accept if I drove you, right?”

Ugh. Mu Qing knows damn well that’s referencing the fact that he has never once accepted the gay couple driving him home, no matter how often they’ve offered by now. He makes sure to leave while it’s still light outside, too.

“Yeah. Fine,” he sighs, because his mother’s partner driving him is still more sensible than Volleyball’s owners, he supposes.

“I’ll go wait outside. Maybe Feng Xin is still there or whatever, you know, waiting for his girlfriend. The teacher of her literature class always ends it too late, and we haven’t been talking for so long, so…”

Mister Wang nods, and so they part ways for now. Only for a few minutes, Mu Qing supposes, but he feels a lot lighter and happier, and also very lazy now that he’s going to be driven to the store instead of walking there.

Finally feeling like he can’t only breathe a little anymore, but like he can breathe normally, Mu Qing makes his way out of the school building and towards the parking lot in front of it – indeed, Feng Xin is still standing there on his phone, without Jian Lan.

Mu Qing is about to call his name and ask him whether he’s waiting on his shitty girlfriend (he doesn’t hate Jian Lan, he just wants to make fun of Feng Xin to be honest), when he sees a car parked in the parking lot that isn’t usually there, but Mu Qing knows all too well anyway.

He sees someone standing in front of its shiny black exterior with the darkened windows, wearing the suit he always used to come home in with.

His voice dies in his throat, and pure and utter panic and horror set in.

No, he thinks, heartrate starting to pick up until it’s pulsing through his body so fast he his throat feels constricted as hell all of a sudden, no. He can’t possibly be here.

Phone in hand, looking annoyed at whoever he’s texting, leaning slightly against that one scratch in the black varnish of his car that Mu Qing got into it when he was ten years old and hit this spot with his old bike, stands Mu Qing’s father.

Notes:

PS: mister wang getting dumped by a girl in music class i put in here because my first crush i had at 11, he was also my friend right, we bonded over both liking pokemon, i didnt cofness, and hten iN MF MUSIC CLASS DOES THE MF SAY HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON SOMEONE ELSE???? /IN MUSIC CLASS/, MY GUYS??????? MY PEOPLE???????????????????????????? I'M STILL NOT OVER THAT. i am over it in that sense, yk, but i keep just fuckign laughing about it cuz wtf do u mean i got rejected-by-association IN MUSIC CLASS?! KJHFDKGJA

Chapter 19: Maths&Cats: 18

Notes:

ok so like HEAVY topics for this again, including physical violence and mentions of (child) abuse as well as cheating! take care! OH ALSO on screen puking lmao

meanwhile tody i went swimming and had a great time and then this like. 1 y.o. toddler comes RUNNING UP TO ME. and then he SPITS IN MY FACE???????? AND LEAVEAS?????? AND HIS POOR MOTHER WAS JUST CHASING HIM DOWN LMAO it was funny af like obv i wasnt mad thats a toddler BUT LIKE WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME

If Mu Qing didn’t already know exactly how a fight-or-flight response feels, he’d know latest now. He stands there, and Feng Xin notices and says something to him, but Mu Qing doesn’t hear at all. He only blinks at his father, who does turn around to him and waves.

Like he’s friendly.

Like he hasn’t told Mu Qing that he’s a disgusting freak, like he hasn’t slapped him that one time, like he hasn’t slapped his mother so many times towards the end, like he didn’t also cheat on her, like he isn’t absolute fucking scum of the earth that, if something like hell is real, will definitely make it there before he makes it to any other place at all.

He swallows, but his throat won’t let him, and so, it comes out as more of a gag.

“Mu Qing!” his father says, which is when Feng Xin clearly sees that Mu Qing isn’t well seeing this man, even if Feng Xin can’t know who he is.

“Huh? Who’s this?” he asks, furrowing his eyebrow a little, and being immediately at his side.

At least that.

Feng Xin isn’t too bad, when you think about it. He can be really nice, and stupid, and like an overly loyal dog, but it’s that nicety and stupidity and loyalty now that is so, so needed.

Absolutely terrified and brought right back to some time over a year ago when everything happened, Mu Qing grabs Feng Xin’s sleeve. Right now, he doesn’t care if that seems desperate or childish.

He can hate himself later. Right now, he can’t hate himself. Not when this man is in front of him, when he’s taken everything from him, and he’s acting like nothing’s wrong.

“Hm? Did you not even tell your friends about me? I know we haven’t seen each other in a while-“

“Because you’re not allowed to see me,” Mu Qing presses out. Feng Xin’s sleeve feels softer between his fingers than it probably is. It feels like it’s slipping from his grasp. “Leave me alone.”

His voice is hoarse and tired, and there’s no force behind it at all. He doesn’t know how to face this man. Doesn’t know how to talk to him.

Not after all these things happened, not after he did all these fucked up things.

Not after he hurt him so much.

Not after he hurt his mom so much.

“Mu Qing, who is that?” Feng Xin asks again, and Mu Qing only manages to shake his head. Part of him does want to say ‘my father’, but he knows he won’t get those words to leave his lips. This isn’t a father. This man is anything but a father, and maybe it’s stupid that the one to make him realize that over the past few months is the one he’s been uselessly antagonizing for no fucking reason.

Mu Qing was a piece of shit to his teacher, but his teacher, in turn, only ever was kind. He talked to him and he offered to take him places, he asked about the things he’s interested in, and never once did he so much as lay a hand on him.

So, no.

He won’t say that.

This man isn’t his father.

“Ah, I guess they really don’t know,” he sighs, stuffing his phone back into his pocket and taking another step towards Mu Qing. Mu Qing takes a step back. Feng Xin steps in front of him and quietly stretches out an arm.

Under usual circumstances, Mu Qing would be shouting angrily at him that he doesn’t need any protection, that he’s completely fine on his own, that he doesn’t need someone else to be in front of him.

But right now, he does.

He desperately needs it.

“I’m his father,” he says with the kindest smile Mu Qing has ever seen on his face. Kind enough to fool him, almost, and probably kind enough to fool Feng Xin, but Feng Xin doesn’t actually say or do anything. He doesn’t move in the slightest.

“Get away from Mu Qing.”

Mu Qing stares at Feng Xin like he’s lost it, but in reality, he’s just saying the thing he wants to hear the most.

“Hm? But I’m-“

“And he just said you’re not allowed to see him. I don’t know very much about what happened, but even I can figure that you’re an asshole. So, leave him the fuck alone.”

That makes Mu Qing’s father awkwardly take a step back, actually, so Mu Qing will take it. However, he does now get scared that he could think of doing something to Feng Xin, which would arguably be worse than hurting Mu Qing.

Maybe it’s not just Feng Xin that’s protective. Maybe Mu Qing is also kind of protective of him.

…He’s not sure he likes that realization at all.

“Excuse me?”

“Cut the crap,” Feng Xin says again, “and leave him alone. If you’re not allowed to see him, he can just call the police on you. And if he doesn’t, then I will.”

“Who cares about what is and isn’t allowed? I’m still his father,” he says, “maybe I was a little unfair-“

“A little unfair?” Feng Xin echoes, “there must be a reason you’re not allowed to see him. I’m sure it isn’t a good reason. And I do know enough to know you’re an absolute piece of shit. Saying these things to Mu Qing isn’t just being ‘a little unfair’, it’s being a dick. So, piss off.”

Clearly, Mu Qing’s father is a little taken aback at the vocabulary leaving this teenager’s mouth, but that’s a good thing. Right now, Feng Xin’s vocabulary is perfectly suited to all the thoughts Mu Qing is having about this man.

“I should be allowed to see him, no matter what. Mu Qing, come on, I just want to talk, alright? I’m not going to do anything-“

“You being here is already doing something!” Mu Qing shouts, much louder than he’d meant to. Emboldened by Feng Xin being a straight up dick to his father – good, that’s the only thing this man deserves in Mu Qing’s opinion – he brushes Feng Xin’s arm aside, and lets the anger take the upper hand. “I don’t want anything to do with you! If we didn’t need it, I’d burn all your filthy fucking money, too! Leave me alone! Feng Xin’s right, I’ll call the police if I have to, and I’ll call my mom, and I’ll-“

“What’s going on here?”

Mu Qing whips around to see Mister Wang coming out of the school building with his leather bag (or, in other words: the bag that every single teacher has). He eyes Mu Qing’s father up and down, and then asks him one simple question.

“Who are you? And why are you seemingly aggressing my students?”

“I’m Mu Qing’s father,” he starts introducing himself, and Mister Wang’s face instantly darkens, because he’s clearly heard enough of him from Mu Qing’s mom to know that this man deserves nothing but the worst.

Now that an adult is here, Mu Qing also just feels safer. A lot safer, actually. His one hand is still clinging to Feng Xin.

But – him constantly introducing him as such makes the anger even worse. For a second, Mu Qing thinks he might actually throw up, but he doesn’t. Instead, the anger boils over, and what next leaves his mouth is a desperate scream.

“You’re not my fucking father! Stop saying this shit! You acted like one only when I was what you wanted me to be, and I don’t care for it! Leave me alone!”

“Sir,” Mister Wang interjects, putting a steady hand onto Mu Qing’s shoulder. It doesn’t really calm him down, to be honest – but it’s there. He’s here. “I have to ask you to get off school grounds, or else I’ll have to call the police on you.”

“Come on, you don’t even know the situation.”

“I know more than you might think,” he retorts, “and I am asking you just once more to get off the school grounds and leave both of my students alone. If Mu Qing says you’re not his father, then you cannot be.”

“I am, what, am I meant to take his fucking birth certificate here or what?”

“If a child says that their biological father is not their father, I’d assume it means a lot,” Mister Wang says, and Mu Qing can feel an iciness, danger, radiating from him that he’s never before felt from this otherwise gentle and docile man.

“Well, I am, though, and nothing he says changes that. Who else is meant to be his father?”

This time, it’s Mu Qing’s turn to say something. He doesn’t want poor Mister Wang, or worse, Feng Xin, to suffer any more of this. He has to rebuke him, somehow, and the only way he can is just-

He looks back at his literal maths teacher for a split second. Who also happens to date his mom and be a really nice person, actually.

“Him,” he says, and Feng Xin next to him almost laughs. It’s that what makes Mu Qing regain something like an air of normality again, and he glares at Feng Xin. That sickness is still settled deep in his stomach, though. But just Feng Xin giving that tiny, tiny little snort, that’s enough to ground him for another few seconds.

Mister Wang, too, seems stunned.

But the most stunned is undoubtedly Mu Qing’s father, who raises an eyebrow.

“Your teacher?”

“He’s not just my teacher,” Mu Qing says, “he’s mom’s boyfriend. So, he’s practically my dad now. I don’t- you’re not my father. So, you can leave, because I already have one. I don’t need you in my life. I don’t want to see you ever again.”

Everyone around him is just done for, apparently, because none of them say anything.

With a little sound of clearing his throat, Mister Wang ends up being the first to speak – right when Mu Qing’s father had also opened his mouth to say something. He cuts him off very harshly.

“He’s correct. I’m assuming that you are the ex-husband of his mother, who I am, in fact, dating. I am asking you to leave one last time. Get off the school grounds, and stop speaking like this to someone who is both my student, and the son of the woman I love.”

“The son?” his father barks out, finally showing his ugly colours, finally dropping that act. “I make one last attempt with this indecisive brat, and-“

“Yes. The son,” Mister Wang repeats. There is only certainty in his voice, not a single sliver of doubt. He’s only sure and certain and strong. “Piss off.”

It’s Feng Xin who next takes action when Mu Qing’s father still doesn’t move, instead taking another fucking step towards Mu Qing, actually. A step that Mu Qing knows all too well even from that one single time it happened, with his shoulders hunched a little, as if he’s going to raise his arm any second, like he’s going to put his weight more to one side to get just enough momentum to really make it hurt.

In a very swift motion, Feng Xin steps up to him, and punches him in the face faster than the old man can react.

Mu Qing stares at Feng Xin from the back; his raised arm, the knuckles of his fist reddening a little from the blow, his slightly long-ish dark hair dancing a little with the motion. He looks at the broadness of his back and the way he sinks back down and steps away before he can face any retaliation at all.

Probably something he’s learned during one of his many physical fights with Mu Qing.

“This was self-defense,” he clarifies before literally any of them can speak up, “we asked you to leave multiple times, and you didn’t, so getting physical is more than warranted. Besides, you were stepping up to Mu Qing like you were going to hit him. And I’m not allowing that, because even if he’s an annoying emo piece of shit, he’s still my friend.”

“He’s correct,” Mister Wang repeats, “and I am going to call the police now, no matter what you do, either way. You can either prolong this unnecessarily, or get a call from the police station.”

With that, he quickly grabs his phone, and dials the number.

It seems like the threat of officials getting involved in any way does do the job.

Mu Qing’s father grits his teeth, his hand awkwardly holding onto the cheek that Feng Xin slapped, and makes for his shitty fucking expensive car.

However, Mister Wang goes through on his word. He very much calls the cops. He tells them the car number, and his full government name. He even has his address memorized – he must have seen it on the official letters from court and the like, when Mu Qing and his mother receive the money from him every month.

For the entirety of the call, Mu Qing is still in a daze, even when Feng Xin starts fuzzing over him, trying to talk to him and make sure he’s fine and even patting his arm a little awkwardly in one of these weird attempts of comfort.

When the call ends, and Mister Wang also starts trying to make sure he’s fine, Mu Qing’s body finally gives up.

He throws up.

Luckily not over his teacher, but certainly over poor Feng Xin’s shoes. Which, okay, there’s worse. It could’ve been his face or something, so this is still the much better outcome to it all, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t awkward as hell.

Throwing up in the school parking lot because his father just nearly hit him again really wasn’t on his list of activities planned for today.

“Fuck!” Feng Xin hisses, “couldn’t you have warned me?”

“Mu Qing, are you alright?” Mister Wang asks instead, already reaching into his bag for-

Mu Qing doesn’t know. Tissues or something.

For a few more minutes, Mu Qing is left dry-heaving. Luckily, nothing more comes up, and the longer these two idiots are around him, the more he calms down and is able to rationalize it.

Nothing happened to him. There were people there to protect him, this time. He’s never going to run into his father alone anymore.

It’s alright.

He’s safe. The police has been called, and his mother will likely be informed very shortly. They’re going to talk to him at the very least, and Mu Qing’s mother can and probably will press charges for him going against this. In some way. Maybe they can finance a vacation from whatever money they’ll get from him for that. Even if it’s just two or three days or something.

…He should probably be thinking about literally anything else.

“I’m okay,” he gasps, taking a tissue to wipe his mouth with. “I just want to go home.”

“Yes, of course- ah, uh… Feng Xin, you want to go wash your shoes first?”

Feng Xin stares at his shoes in absolute disgust for a few seconds before stepping out of them.

“No. I’m going to throw them away. Fuck these shoes, I’m not keeping them. They were old as fuck anyway, and mom’s been complaining for weeks now. Might as well make her happy, I guess.”

And with that, he takes them gingerly by the parts that don’t have puke on them, and dumps them into the trash can a few meters from them.

In socks. He walks over there in just his socks, like it’s nothing.

Mu Qing hates this man. He utterly loathes him, actually.

“I just want to go home,” Mu Qing repeats, feeling the tears finally come to his eyes. Mister Wang takes a new tissue out of the package, and starts awkwardly dabbing away at his cheeks. Like an actual, real father. Even if Mu Qing is probably never going to call him that ever again. Or at least not for the next few years, but right now, it felt more than necessary.

“You’re fine. I’m driving you both, you’re okay,” he says, placing both of his hands on Mu Qing’s shoulders.

And Mu Qing, he just kind of… He loses it. He can’t do it anymore. He really just needs a hug, and his mom isn’t there, and the thought of hugging Feng Xin makes him feel sick with something that’s not disgust, but also a feeling he doesn’t want to think about for long, so he slumps into his poor maths teacher’s arms.

Just as awkwardly as the way he was trying to dry his tears, Mister Wang pulls him into his arms a little, starting to stroke his back while Mu Qing trembles and cries in his arms in a way he would’ve never allowed himself to with his father, and in a way he’ll never allow himself with anyone else, probably. Unless he gets a boyfriend one day or whatever.

Maybe.

He wouldn’t know whom.

(He’s not going to think about Feng Xin right now.)

He has no idea for how long he’s just crying into his teacher’s arms. He only knows that at one point, Feng Xin – still just in socks – puts a hand on his shoulder again.

 

*

 

At one point, he does break away, feeling a little better. Mister Wang gives Mu Qing his water bottle so he can drink some of this now that his stomach feels settled again. He feels bad for having his teacher care for him like this, but certainly not for Feng Xin’s shoes.

His mother was right.

These things should’ve long gone in the trash. This was long, long overdue.

Then, they finally get in the car, and Feng Xin insists that he’s going to come with them. Mu Qing kind of appreciates it, because he’s assuming that it means Feng Xin is worried about him, and that makes him feel all warm.

It feels good to be worried about, sometimes. He can go back to hating it again later.

When his mom opens the door and sees his sorry state, she immediately pulls him in, and before Mu Qing can say anything, Mister Wang is already saying that he threw up, and that he should get washed up and flush his mouth and get some light food and some more water. So, in the end, Feng Xin ends up being the one accompanying him to the bathroom for these tasks while Mister Wang fills his mother in.

“…Are you okay?” Feng Xin asks as soon as Mu Qing has closed the door behind him. He grabs his toothbrush and puts on copious amounts of toothpaste to go brush his teeth.

Before he does, though, he just gives Feng Xin something like a shrug.

He feels tired and worn-out and bad, but he feels ready to face it, somehow. He feels ready to live with the knowledge that his father is still a dick now, because he has better people in his life, and someone who’s much more like a father.

Even if it’s his teacher.

Even if he’s most likely never calling him that again.

“Can’t you talk for once?”

“Right now,” Mu Qing says, temporarily taking the toothbrush out of his mouth, “I actually can’t. I’m brushing my teeth, because my mouth tastes vile.”

“Ugh. I could be spending this time with my girlfriend.”

“Eh, she’s definitely going to break up with you soon, no one can stand you,” Mu Qing comments, and puts the toothbrush back in.

Once he’s done, he still flushes his mouth with water a few times, then with mouthwash, and then with water again. Make sure the taste is completely gone because ugh. Disgusting.

“Ah,” Feng Xin suddenly says, seeing the bathroom shelf, “that’s your testosterone? How do you take it, why’s it in a bottle? I thought it was shots.”

“I take gels because that’s a lower dose, you idiot,” Mu Qing says. But he’s very glad Feng Xin is normal about it. Then, Feng Xin screws up his face.

“Ugh. Are those period products?”

“…Yes,” Mu Qing comments, “my mom’s. Not even mine. Be weird somewhere else, and do not say this type of stuff to poor Jian Lan.”

Honestly, Feng Xin is still a bit of a dick about girls, but Mu Qing feels like, you know, he can learn. He’s not the worst. He does listen when you explain something to him. Being with Jian Lan does seem to be helping him, so he’s not all too mad about it.

Well. That’s a lie. He’s mad about the fact that Feng Xin is with Jian Lan to begin with, but he isn’t mad about the effect it has on Feng Xin.

“…Thank you, though,” he mumbles in the end, realizing he’d never said that. “For punching him. I always wished I could’ve done it. Because he deserves it. So thank you for at least that.”

“Ah. No issues, no need to thank me, your father’s a fucking dick, and you’re right. Mister Wang is a much better father, it’s good you said that.”

“He is not my father,” Mu Qing clarifies, feeling his cheeks heat up immensely. It makes Feng Xin laugh and bring his hand to his head to very roughly ruffle his hair once, as if to make him feel all small and child-like. He’s succeeding at that.

“You say that, but…”

It’s exactly then when Mister Wang pops in through the door.

“Mu Qing, we’ve taken care of some of the police things, and they’re going to show up here in a bit, you okay with that? They just need your testimony and stuff.”

“Yes, I’m okay with that,” Mu Qing says, and just quickly dips into his room to get a new shirt. He doesn’t mind changing in front of any of them, he realizes, because he just kind of does it with his door open. No one is actually looking, but… he doesn’t mind it.

All of them know.

So it’s okay.

And maybe even if he finds himself disgusting, others won’t. That’ll have to be enough for him.

“On the weekend,” Mister Wang announces, “we’re just gonna go see Volleyball. All of us. We’re taking Xie Lian along, too.”

Mu Qing immediately finds himself lighting up at that, and so does Feng Xin next to him, because even if he doesn’t visit her as often, he’s still very attached to the cat. Named her and everything.

“I’ll come with you guys, too. I mean, I’ll just call her owners first, tomorrow morning… they’re up pretty early during the week, so it’ll probably be fine. I think last week they said they’ll have some family over, right? We’ll make sure we’re not intruding, but I’m sure they won’t mind.”

Mu Qing has been there when they had family over a few times, so it probably won’t be an issue. They hadn’t even told them. One of them, whose cousin was over, literally just told the cousin that Mu Qing is here for the cat, and that was it. The cousin was just as nice as them.

They have a good family, Mu Qing thinks. So maybe it’s just going to be the same thing now.

“Yeah,” he says, and finds himself smiling properly, “Mister Wang can drive us this time.”

Chapter 20: Maths&Cats: 19

Notes:

god what a week i've had and it's only wednesday, laptop charger broke, induced panic, had to see a prof, had to read a 150 pages academic book in a day (kill me.), had a migraine on the day i had my HRT check up at the hospital (half an hour away by bus, going on buses while feeling sick is sth i do not recommend LOL), and while i was gettign my blood drawn for hormone checking reasons THE FUCKIGN AUTISM DIAGNOSIS PEOPEL CALLED ME TO SCHEDULE THE FIRST APPOINTMENT. THEN OF ALL TIMES. anyway well book is read, appt was had, autism diagnosis appt is scheduled, new laptop charger is acquired. haaaaaaaah absolute mayhem this week truly HJKADFGJK only thing getting me through is that i'll have a one week break after another three weeks of this... sighs.
well! if i ever forget to upload a chapter. you'll know why. I'm trying my hardest not to, truly HJAKJFDG

my only saviour atp is the japanese 2ha audio drama icl every wednesday i'm like "life may be hard but at least chu wanning is speakign into my ear and i half-understand him" LMFAO

not to give a CW that'll give away the whole chapter, but: there's talk of abortion in this chapter so akjhfjkafhjdk

It’s a few days past Xie Lian’s fourteenth birthday – he’s a bit younger than Feng Xin and Mu Qing both – that Mu Qing receives a call he really, really wishes he wouldn’t receive.

It’s only been a few weeks ever since this whole bullshit with his biological father happened. They got him good, at court. He still has to pay child support, and he also had to pay a fee for breaking the agreement, and it’s been reinforced, and if he breaks it two more times, he might just get locked up. Mu Qing fucking hopes he breaks it, actually, but the fee was also nice to have.

Things have calmed down. He’s been nicer to Mister Wang, and his mother has clearly noticed that and appreciates it. He’s driven him, Feng Xin, and Xie Lian to go see Volleyball, even while her two owners had family over. It was pretty nice, actually. There was a lot of cake and tea, and Mu Qing had a good time.

Or, in other words: Mu Qing’s life finally felt fine.

This call is about to destroy it.

He picks up, because Feng Xin calling their group chat at quarter past four in the afternoon isn’t anything particularly new. In fact, it’s pretty normal and regular of an occurrence, unless he has Jian Lan over. He doesn’t always tell them though, so it’s just kind of normal to Mu Qing.

“Hi?” Feng Xin asks, that single word already sounding like he’s seconds away from killing himself.

“Yes?” Xie Lian asks, having picked up just as fast as Mu Qing, “you okay, bud?”

“No. I need you to come over, like, right now. Please. Both of you. Are you free? Actually, scrap that. I don’t care if you’re free. You have to come to mine right now.”

That’s not good. Mu Qing’s first thought is-

“Is Basketball okay?”

“Basketball is fucking fine,” Feng Xin grunts, “and he’s begging for food and needs someone to give hm food and by the Gods, I can’t- just come over. Mu Qing, is your mom home?”

“What the fuck do you need my mom for?” Mu Qing asks, getting more confused and more worried by the second.

“I need an adult. Literally anyone. My parents won’t pick up the phone and I just- I need an adult and I cannot handle this so please. Please be fast.”

Feng Xin admitting he needs an adult is probably a dead giveaway for how much of a crisis he’s in right now. Okay. This does seem to be a dire situation.

“…My mom’s home already, yeah, sure. I’ll ask her, but she might not…”

“I don’t care. She has to. I’m actually begging you two to please just get your asses over here.”

“Alright,” Xie Lian says, “of course we will. We’ll be there in no time.”

And so, they leave the call, and Mu Qing warily runs his hands through his hair once. What the fuck has Feng Xin gotten into this time, for him to call them in such a panic, and for him to make so sure that there will be an adult?

It’s not like there’s anything he can do but go see him, though, so Mu Qing takes a deep breath and goes to the kitchen to go see his mom, literally halfway through cutting vegetables.

“Mom. We need to go to Feng Xin’s. He won’t tell us what happened, but I think it’s actually really bad, and his parents aren’t picking up their phones, and he’s asked me to ask you to come with me.”

“Huh? Oh no, is A-Xin okay?”

“Well, he’s alive, at any rate,” Mu Qing says, “…will you come or no?”

Because he does have an actively bad feeling about this, actually.

“Yes, yes, of course! I’ll just put the veggies in the fridge, you go get ready, I’ll be right there!”

Mu Qing exhales in relief and texts Feng Xin exactly that.

After seven minutes and a few seconds, Mu Qing arrives at Feng Xin’s, and rings the bell.

The door flies open almost immediately. Feng Xin looks like he’s seen a ghost, or a woman’s bathhouse or whatever. He’s pale, and his eyes are low-key bloodshot, and Mu Qing’s first thought is that oh he’s gone and done it and taken heroin. Or coke or whatever. Mu Qing doesn’t know a lot about drugs because Feng Xin is kind of right, and he’s a goody-two shoes.

“Oh. Bless. You’re here. Ah- Xie Lian, bless, you’re also here.”

Xie Lian is literally running down the street, holding just his phone, skidding to a halt in front of them.

“Please come in,” Feng Xin says. He swallows, his throat bobbing in a way that makes Mu Qing think for a second that he might throw up and get his revenge for Mu Qing puking on his shoes, but he doesn’t.

Instead, he just turns around and walks through the living room.

He’s not alone.

Jian Lan is here.

Now that is even worse, and Mu Qing gets a distinct feeling of what this might all be about. He looks up at his mom, who goes pale at seeing Jian Lan, seemingly thinking the same thing. On his other side, Xie Lian releases a little ‘…ah’, like he just came to the exact same conclusion, too.

This is bad.

Mu Qing really and sincerely hopes they're all wrong about this.

“Sit down,” Feng Xin says, he himself wobbling over to Jian Lan, wearing sweatpants and a croptop and fluffy socks. Her makeup is smeared with tears, and it’s very clear she’s probably going to break out in tears as soon as she starts talking again. Mu Qing feels horribly sorry for her, genuinely.

“So…” he starts again once they’re all seated, but in the end, he only slides them a white-and-blue object from the table, which.

Yeah.

That’s a pregnancy test.

“Oh,” Mu Qing’s mother says, looking at the two stripes on the small display of it, “oh, that’s positive.”

“Yes,” Jian Lan says, her voice weak and scared but kind of less so than Mu Qing would’ve initially thought. “It’s positive. I’ve taken three separate ones, and they’re all positive.”

“That’s positive positive,” Xie Lian stutters out, looking at her and Feng Xin and then back at the pregnancy test on the table.

Hell. Fucking hell, why did Feng Xin have to go and impregnate Jian Lan? Assuming she hasn’t cheated, but like, Jian Lan and Feng Xin are very in love, so Mu Qing honest to god doesn’t think that’s a possibility in any way.

They’re fourteen. In fact, they’re young fourteen. If it’s been a month or two, or however long it took her to notice, then that means Feng Xin might become a father at fourteen if she decides…

“I don’t know what to do” Feng Xin blurts out, but then quickly corrects himself. “We don’t know what to do.”

“I do know what to do,” Jian Lan says, once more looking at him, “I’m keeping it.”

“You’re fourteen!” Feng Xin screeches, like the possibility of being a father is absolutely fucking terrifying to him. It should be. Mu Qing cannot believe any of this is happening.

“Okay, wait, everyone slow down,” Mu Qing’s mom says, trying desperately to take charge of the situation like Feng Xin probably wanted her to. “Let’s start from the beginning. How did this happen?”

“You have a son,” Feng Xin says, and Mu Qing’s mother lets out a dry, humorless laugh.

“Obviously I know how- Did you not use protection?”

“We did!” Feng Xin says, “that’s why this is…!”

“And you haven’t been with anyone else?” she asks Jian Lan, who doesn’t get angry at the question but just shakes her head, like she was long expecting to be asked.

Mu Qing and Xie Lian look at each other like they both can’t believe what the fuck is going down in front of them.

“Okay. Alright. Do you know how far along you could be?”

“I haven’t had my period in over two months,” Jian Lan croaks out, “I just thought it might be irregular or something, but… then it never came, so I thought I’d check, and then they all came up positive.”

“Oh dear. Okay. I see. So…”

“It’s probably over two months, we don’t, that often…” Feng Xin says again, and Mu Qing doesn’t want that information, but he also could not care less right now.

Jian Lan is pregnant.

He cannot believe this is happening.

“Okay. Alright. First of all, you need to see a doctor,” Mu Qing’s mom says, “no matter what you want to do, you’ll have to see a doctor. And your parents have to know, and also Feng Xin’s parents, and you can’t avoid that. Unless you feel unsafe, in which case- I’m taking you. Let me know.”

“No, I think- I trust my parents enough,” Jian Lan stutters. She looks at her stomach very awkwardly, her hand hovering above it. “I don’t want to… I want to keep it.”

“Feng Xin has a point,” Mu Qing’s mother says suddenly, very firmly. “You’re fourteen. You cannot make these decisions lightly, You cannot make them without both of your parents, and also not without Feng Xin. Yes, in the end, the decision is yours, but you will need a lot of support, and you need to ensure you have that support.”

Damn. Mu Qing is kind of realizing how great his mom is all over again right now. The thing is, he knows she’s probably panicking just as much as the rest of them, but she’s acting all cool and collected about it as if she has a single idea of how to handle a fourteen-year-old having gotten pregnant by another fourteen-year-old.

This is all terrible and bad.

“You guys…” Xie Lian suddenly starts, “I also really don’t think you should make any rash decisions before you even know what’s really going on…”

“That’s what I keep saying,” Feng Xin gasps, holding onto the sofa like it can save his life or whatever. It can’t. “We did use protection, so at the very least, we should make sure to see a doctor first, but all she keeps saying is-“

“I don’t care if you want the child!” Jian Lan says, suddenly getting a little louder. She even stands up, and it’s Mu Qing who presses her the fuck back down into the sofa.

“Calm down,” he says, “mom’s right. You literally need to see a doctor. Also, Feng Xin hasn’t implied anything of the kind, so stop that.”

Him, Mu Qing, trying to talk sense into someone for overthinking things. No that the blames Jian Lan, oh no – if Mu Qing found out he was pregnant, he’d just about flip his shit and then flip himself off the next bridge or something. So, kudos to Jian Lan for only freaking out a very reasonable amount.

“Right, thank you,” Feng Xin grumbles. Only now does he awkwardly take Jian Lan’s hand – once more, that somehow makes Mu Qing a little peeved. He’s a disgusting person, maybe. Jian Lan very clearly needs this right now, so why the fuck is he feeling all antsy about some handholding? What is he, five, still saying ‘eww’ when people kiss on TV?

“Seriously, Jian Lan, all I’m saying is to please- Please take it slow. We’ve got no fucking clue what’s going on.”

“I’m pregnant. That’s what’s going on.”

“Well- yeah, apparently, but- we still need to make completely sure. We can decide anything else after, and if you really… if you really decide to keep the child, obviously I’ll- try my best. I don’t know how because I’m literally fourteen, but somehow I’d fucking manage, okay? Is that enough?”

“What do you mean, is that enough?”

“Enough to convince you I’m not going to break up with you over this or whatever. And enough to convince you to please just let us all talk?”

Jian Lan looks at Feng Xin like he’s gone mad, but in the end, her gaze does soften a little and she huffs out a breath. She looks more exhausted and tired than the rest of them, really.

“Yes. Fine. Okay. We’ll… we’ll wait for my parents. I’ll… we should text them, probably.”

“Good idea,” Mu Qing’s mom says, looking worriedly over at Mu Qing and Xie Lian, as if to make sure they’re still there. Both are just kind of too stunned to react, to be honest. Mu Qing isn’t at all sure how to feel about any of this. Jian Lan is pregnant. She wants to keep the child. If she really wants it, she’s probably going to go through with it.

Feng Xin is going to be a father. At fourteen.

This is all blatantly insane, and he cannot believe it.

“I don’t even know what to say,” Xie Lian finally blurts out what everyone was thinking. “I cannot believe this is happening.”

Mu Qing genuinely thinks they all feel the same way right now.

Feng Xin and Jian Lan text their respective parents. They tell them to come home (and to Feng Xin’s, in the case of Jian Lan's parents) as fast as somewhat possible, that it’s an emergency, and that none of them are doing particularly well.

Feng Xin low-key looks so broken that Mu Qing starts feeling bad for him. He reaches over to put his hand against his arm. Just once. Just for a few seconds, because he has no idea how things like affection work, because he’s never really had it from anyone but his mom.

…And his maths teacher now, he supposes. Because that’s basically his new dad, and he’s sure that with some time, he’ll see him as such, completely.

He cannot believe that Feng Xin is going to be a father at the same age when Mu Qing finally found one.

Feng Xin doesn’t react much, but he doesn’t shrug him off, which is probably a good sign, too.

“…Look, whatever is going on right now,” Mu Qing’s mom starts again, “we should all perhaps get some tea-“

She’s rudely interrupted by Xie Lian’s phone ringing. He stares at it debating whether he should pick up not, but Mu Qing sees that it’s Xie Lian’s mom. So, in the end, he does.

“Hello?”

“You have to come back, Lianlian,” says his mom, loud enough for Mu Qing to hear through his phone’s speaker. “Qi Rong just adopted a child.”

“…What?”

“What the fuck?” Feng Xin screeches, and Mu Qing at the very least screeches it in his heart. There’s just literally no fucking way any of this is happening. Why the fuck is Qi Rong-

“We don’t know either, but the boy is here, and Qi Rong just said that for him, he’ll even put off burning down the school, which, you know what, knowing him, I might just believe it- oh gods. Oh, Lianlian, you need to come over, we need someone to look over the child while we discuss this with him, and Jun Wu is still on his classtrip.”

Mu Qing’s mother also looks like she’d rather die than ever have moved to this town.

“I didn’t even know Xie Lian had a cousin,” she stutters, but Mu Qing, who did know, just gives her a little sigh and shrug.

He does have a cousin. He isn’t a good cousin. Mu Qing knows that Xie Lian wishes he did not have a cousin.

Mu Qing has only met him a few times.

He also wishes Xie Lian did not have a cousin.

“Holy f-“ Xie Lian just about manages to bite down the f-word. “Okay. Okay, shit, alright, I’m coming back. Okay. I’m sorry. I’ll- give me a few minutes, alright?”

And with that, he clicks on the red bit on his phone to hang up, and stares into the round of people in despair about Jian Lan being pregnant.

“My cousin just adopted a child. I have to go home,” he stutters out.

“…We heard,” Mu Qing’s mom says, “just… go there. We have this handled. Qing-er and me have this handled.”

Do they, though? Mu Qing is not sure they have this situation handled at all.

“Go, Xie Lian,” Feng Xin says. He buries his face in his hands and lets out a very frustrated scream. “I won’t blame you or whatever, go take care of that poor kid, please.”

“Right. Yeah,” Xie Lian says, still stunned, his phone in hand, “okay, right. I’m leaving. Yes. Sorry.”

Like on autopilot, the poor guy moves back to his shoes and leaves.

Only then does Mu Qing’s mom finally manage to pose her question again.

“So… tea, anyone?”

 

*

 

In the end, Feng Xin’s parents and Jian Lan’s parents all arrive. Mu Qing’s mom stays to explain the situation, and to oversee how it goes at first, just to make sure everything goes fine and that the parents kill neither Feng Xin nor Jian Lan, nor each other.

Only at seven at night do they come home, and Mu Qing wordlessly joins his mother in the kitchen to help her cut the rest of the vegetables. For a while, they work together in silence, right up until everything goes into the pan with the high-quality teriyaki sauce they bought from his father’s shitty money.

Then, Mu Qing’s mother takes one good look at him, spatula in hand, and clearly at the end of her wits.

“Please don’t get pregnant until you’re an adult, Qing-er.”

“Eh, I probably can’t get pregnant, you heard the doctors.”

“Well. Yeah, but I’m just saying. Please don’t.”

“No worries,” Mu Qing sighs, closing the bottle of sauce back up. “I’m not planning on it.”

That one makes his mother laugh.

“I don’t think poor Feng Xin planned on it, either.”

Notes:

sorry about these last few lines, i found myself REALLY funny

Chapter 21: Maths&Cats: 20

Notes:

this is barely proof read but i'm currently running on 10h of uni week for this day and a crapton of green tea to keep me awake so. apologies JHAHGFJKD im just gonna hope there r no grave mistakes in this help

“Jian Lan decided to keep the baby. So, in other words, I’m- going to be a father in seven months.”

Feng Xin doesn’t really sound okay when he says it, but he sounds a little more prepared, somehow. Mu Qing isn’t sure how prepared he can reasonably be for literally becoming a father at the age of fourteen. Nearly fifteen by then, but fourteen, still. Mu Qing also just can’t believe any of this, still, even though it’s been over a week since they’ve known Jian Lan is pregnant now.

He knows her, Feng Xin, and their respective parents went to multiple doctors and had multiple talks about possibly terminating the pregnancy, just to get insight from all sides in one way or another. But it seems she’s stubborn, and she’s determined to keep the child, so her and Feng Xin are going to be teenage parents.

“…This is all insane,” Xie Lian sighs, “but I guess Guzi is going to get me used to babysitting now, so it’s alright, and I’ll help out where I can.”

Guzi – the child Qi Rong has adopted from whatever shady fucking establishment just let him pick up a child like that, definitely not a legal one – is currently seated in Xie Lian’s lap, actually. He’s holding a picture book, and idly flipping through it.

The three of them decided to meet up at Xie Lian’s precisely because of Guzi, so that Xie Lian could babysit him while his parents are working and Qi Rong is busy trying to find a fucking job to support his newly acquired son.

“We’re going into high school next year,” Feng Xin sighs, stroking some hair out of his face, clearly at the end of his wits about it all. “I’m going to be a father all throughout high school. I guess Guzi and my child can make friends, at least.”

“I love making friends!” Guzi chimes in, looking at Feng Xin, too young to grasp too much of the situation, “but Dad said he wants to move away! Into the city! I’ll make friends in the city!”

Oh, that pure-hearted soul, Mu Qing thinks, with a father like Qi Rong, who’ll want to be friends with this poor little guy? The fact he’s already calling him ‘dad’, too.

Xie Lian clearly seems to think the same thing.

“…Either way, Feng Xin, your parents are there, and we’re also there. I’ll be good at babysitting, and I don’t mind changing diapers! Not that I’ve ever done it, but haha, I’ve fallen into random animal poop often enough, some baby poop doesn’t scare me!”

Of course. Because it’s Xie Lian, so of course he would’ve fallen into some cow and horse shit on some streets, because he’s just that unlucky of a person.

“…Thanks, I appreciate it,” Feng Xin says, “I’ll just have to brave it. Least I can do is be a good father, I guess? I don’t know. My dad’s a pretty great dad, I guess, so… ah. Sorry.”

He says the last bit directed at Mu Qing, who can’t help but roll his eyes at him.

“Seriously, Feng Xin, why would I care? Just how fragile do you think I am, huh?”

“Pretty fragile, given the amount of time you spent trying to push our poor fucking teacher away just because you were scared of things he’d never do.”

“And how would I have known that he wouldn’t, huh!”

“If you didn’t have daddy issues, you’d have known.”

“Oh, you-“

“The two of you, stop,” Xie Lian says, but in all of his exasperation, there’s also some amusement, like this is at least enough to distract him from his whole own family ordeal for just a bit, even when said family ordeal is sitting in his lap, clearly happy to be there.

Xie Lian is very likeable, so Mu Qing understands Guzi. Guzi himself is also just too loveable to send away to another orphanage again, and when they suggested that he part with Qi Rong, he threw a whole tantrum. For some reason unknown to everyone, and especially unknown to the people that have ever had the displeasure of interacting with Qi Rong himself, Guzi likes Qi Rong very much.

As Long as he’s happy, Mu Qing supposes. And fed and dressed, but funnily enough, Qi Rong has been taking care of that. The only thing he’s clearly not fond of is making sure Guzi goes to the toilet in time, because Xie Lian already told Mu Qing earlier this week that Qi Rong was constantly raving about often kids need to ‘piss and shit’, in his words.

“Either way, Feng Xin, we’ll also be there for you. I’m saying ‘we’, because I’m sure Mu Qing doesn’t mind taking care of your child here and there, either.”

“…No, I don’t, the kid ain’t at fault for having such a shitty father after all.”

“Hey.”

“And besides, I babysat a lot for pocket money before I moved here. I do mind changing diapers, but I’ll do it anyway because it’s whatever. I know how to handle babies.”

In fact, the kids in his previous neighborhood that were too small to understand just what the issue was with Mu Qing spent a lot of time with him, and they really liked him. More often than not, Mu Qing would hang out with them in the playground so their parents – even if they whispered about him, too, but were grateful enough to let him play with their kids anyway – could catch a little break. He used to play a lot with them, and the few parents that didn’t mind him even after everything that happened, always praised him a lot for the babysitting, and so did the children themselves.

He found some solace in that. Enough to push him through. Not enough to feel okay in any way, but enough to keep going.

“I don’t really want to burden you two with that,” Feng Xin admits in the end. He picks up Guzi’s picture book when he drops it and hands it back to him all naturally. Mu Qing thinks that unironically, Feng Xin might not become the worst father known to man at all. He’ll have his parents. They raised him, somehow. Actually, they probably didn’t do a very good job, but they made Feng Xin feel loved, and isn’t that everything that really counts?

Mu Qing feels very loved by his mom, and that was enough, even when they were so short on money for a bit that they were hungry for a few days before his grandparents noticed the state of their daughter and immediately came over to scold her for not asking for money. She’s much like Mu Qing, in that respect.

His father on the other hand…

Yeah.

As long as Feng Xin loves his kid, everything will be fine. Feng Xin likes and loves easily. Mu Qing thinks it comes to him like second nature. He’ll easily love a baby, he has nothing to be worried about.

“I know you both have your own problems going on.”

Feng Xin says that with a look at Mu Qing, because Xie Lian’s issues… they’ve gotten better. Mu Qing thinks, at least.

Xie Lian is very good at hiding things, but he did get the go for hormones, and he does have them now, and he gets along with Jun Wu now, even. So he’s probably actually better. There haven’t been any bandages or band-aids on his body for a long time.

He’s alright.

Mu Qing has been okay-ish ever since the bullshit with his father happened, and ever since Feng Xin and Mister Wang casually accepted him like this. Besides, a baby would, in fact, be a distraction to any and all other self-doubts Mu Qing has going on. Can’t really think about that when you’re wiping poop off a tiny human’s butt, right?

“It’s whatever,” Mu Qing tells him, thus, “I don’t mind it, either. So, you’ve got us too. Jian Lan and her family, too. The baby’s gonna be fine, just be there for them, alright? Doesn’t need a deadbeat father like mine or whatever.”

“Eww,” Feng Xin says, immediately screwing up his face at the possible comparison of him and Mu Qing’s father, “I’ll never be as much of an absolute-“

“Feng Xin. Language. Guzi is here.”

“I know bad words!” Guzi says, “Dad says a lot of them!”

“Well, I can say that Mu Qing’s father is an absolute asshole in that case,” Feng Xin says, but gets his foot stepped on by Xie Lian immediately after.

“Uh-huh! I know that word!” Guzi confirms, which.

Yeah.

Qi Rong adopted him. Mu Qing isn’t particularly surprised at any of this anymore. He’s still not sure these words should be used in front of Guzi by multiple people, but it’s better than being abused or kept in whatever shady establishment he’s come from.

They chat for a long time after. Well, it’s mostly Feng Xin who does the talking because he’s worried and running through all disastrous scenarios of what could go wrong becoming a father at fourteen, which is a lot. Obviously. Fourteen-year-olds aren’t meant to be fathers.

He enjoys it, though, in a weird way. That he isn’t the weak one this time around. He just sits back and comments sometimes and explains the concept of ‘babies aren’t that complicated’ to Feng Xin multiple times, because really, they’re not. Teenagers is where it’s really at. Feng Xin better prepare for his kid to be a teenager one day. Changing some nappies and feeding a baby age-appropriate food and inevitably struggling to get them to eat their veggies isn’t going to be the end of the world in comparison to his child inevitably having their first heartbreak and getting addicted to their phone beyond compare.

At one point, Guzi gets hungry, so Mu Qing is the one that ends up cooking for all of them. Including Qi Rong, who’s still job-hunting on Xie Lian’s mom’s work computer. Or doing whatever else on it. Mu Qing can’t imagine him job-hunting.

“Son!” suddenly comes a shout from said room, “I have applied to a job! We’re going to be rich!”

Qi Rong flies into the room while Mu Qing is just starting to shovel rice into everyone’s bowls. Ugh. He wants to die.

“…What did you apply to?” Xie Lian asks, a smile on his face that very obviously reads ‘you’re going to get kicked from your job in roughly two business weeks, if you even last that long’.

“Local supermarket, stocking some shelves, how hard can it be? We’re gonna be rich Guzi, you hear?”

“Rich!” Guzi echoes, “we’re gonna be rich!”

Feng Xin, Mu Qing, and Xie Lian all look at each other and sigh a little, and for a second, Feng Xin seems to be convinced enough of the fact that maybe he can be a father, too, if Qi Rong can be.

 

*

 

A month after, things settle down by a lot. Feng Xin has come around, and so has Jian Lan. They’re working out where the child will stay, how they’ll make it work, they’re attending all check-ups together.

In general, they seem weirdly happy. For the fact they’re fourteen-year old teen parents.

Mu Qing still is jealous, for reasons he can’t discern, and he hates himself even more for it, and if he lashes out at Feng Xin about it every now and then, he sincerely feels sorry on the inside.

Not that he tells him.

It’s alright either way, because Feng Xin stops caring about the things he said by the next day because he’s an idiot.

Whether it’s started feeling more real that Mu Qing is going to be an uncle by proxy soon, though, is another question entirely. Him and Xie Lian have tried to involve themselves as much as possible with everything, because no matter how petty Mu Qing feels about Feng Xin in general, he does still care about him.

He thinks that Feng Xin probably does know as much, at least. He hopes he knows, because he’s not going to say it.

They’ve worked out plans – preliminary, since their timetables will changed, but like this they’ve at least proven that they can work these things out – of when they’ll take care of Feng Xin’s child.

Next momth, Jian Lan has her next ultrasound, and by then, they might be able to tell the gender.

(Mu Qing hopes that the child is either a boy or a girl and feels like it, too. He wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. His mother would probably scold him for thinking like this. She’d probably tell him that the issue isn’t in the thing itself, it’s in how people treat it. Mu Qing agrees with that, as long as it isn’t about himself.)

“Ah, wait,” Mu Qing says to Mister Wang, waiting in front of his car again; he’ll help Mu Qing with his weekly Friday shopping so he won’t have to carry all of it home. “I still haven’t… I should tell Xie Lian and Feng Xin, at least.”

At that, his friends – he’s still cautious to call them that, to be honest – do turn to him after having talked about how they’re going to go baby clothes shopping one of these days, together with Jian Lan. Without Mu Qing, because he already said he won’t have time for the next two weeks.

“Huh? What’s up?” Feng Xin asks, and Mu Qing tries his best to say it in a way that doesn’t sound too concerning.

“I’m having a small surgery next week, so I won’t be there next week. At school. The week after, maybe, depends, I guess. Doctors said it shouldn’t be too bad, it’s nothing big.”

“Surgery?” Xie Lian stutters though, instantly looking at him really worried. Great. The last thing Mu Qing needs for Xie Lian to do is worry about something that Mu Qing has wanted literally ever since he went into puberty and his body decided to grow things he didn’t want. It’s not a lot, and he got hormone blockers and testosterone now, he’ll be without scars or whatever. It’s a small surgery. They have swimming in the next term. He doesn’t want to have to come up with some elaborate excuse for it, but rather just participate, and since he’s properly on hormones now, he can have that surgery out of the way.

“Nothing bad,” he repeats, “just some random shit in my body that needs fixing, it’s a planned surgery and all, nothing’s gonna happen, stop worrying, I’ll be back in no time.”

“…Ah,” Feng Xin makes, then clears his throat and acts like it was just because his throat was dry “Ah, I see,” he follows up, surprisingly smoothly for how he usually acts, “that’s cool, then.”

He probably knows. Mu Qing could even tell him, but it’s probably not entirely necessary.

“…You’re really alright?” Xie Lian asks, “what surgery is it?”

Ugh, Mu Qing should’ve known he was going to ask.

“Just got some random shit below my armpit that needs to go,” he says because uh, the location is about right. He’s doing his best. “Not cancer or anything just some random lump that decided to grow there, which happens.”

‘Some random lump’ is pretty correct of a descriptor, and he can see a small grin on Feng Xin’s face for a split second, even.

“Right,” Xie Lian says, “that kind of stuff, my mom’s had that too. That’s good then. I mean- it’s not good, but you know what I mean! Then I’ll see you in two weeks, hopefully? Or can we come visit?”

“Sure,” Mu Qing says, “not the first few days, I guess, but I’ll let you know. I’ll need someone to catch me up on any homework that isn’t maths.”

At that, Mister Wang laughs, who’s been rearranging things in his car’s trunk the entire time to make space for the shopping.

He’s not an untidy person, except when it comes to his car. He tries to keep it tidy, but he just kind of fails.

“Yeah, don’t worry dude, we’ve got you. Well, Xie Lian does, I’ve kinda got a pregnant girlfriend now, so…”

“You need to tell people at school, they’ll notice soon,” Mu Qing says, unable to hide the little laugh bubbling up in his throat, “better to tell it yourself than have the rumors start.”

Not that it worked in his case, but whatever.

“Ugh, shut up,” Feng Xin grunts, “leave and get your stupid surgery or whatever.”

“I will,” Mu Qing says glaring, at him, and getting into the car.

“Good luck with it!” Xie Lian says instead, because he’s a lot nicer than Feng Xin.

“…Thanks,” Mu Qing mutters, and shuts the door of the car.

In his old home, he probably wouldn’t have found anyone that would’ve told him a simple ‘good luck’ with a surgery like this, even if Xie Lian technically doesn’t know, and even if Feng Xin hasn’t technically said it.

It makes him feel a bit warmer than he could’ve ever felt, some years ago.

Chapter 22: Maths&Cats: 21

Notes:

aka the chapter in which i am angry at the concept of swimming during middle school PE LMAO seriously who tf came up with that concept??? lmao i'm so glad it's the weekend and I've done enough work during the week so that truly today i only gotta do a few hours and tmr i can just. chill. i'm rlly exhausted tooc uz yesterday i had an autism diagnosis appt and I'm like 99% sure that diagnosis WILL happen lmao i told her i'd listened to deviltwon by caveotwn 6k time in 2023 and she was very impressed *thumbs up*

Mu Qing feels nothing short of self-conscious when he steps out of the changing room in literally just swimming trunks. His top surgery – if it can truly be called that, since it was mostly just getting rid of the bit of tissue he had there – was four months ago by now.

It’s been a while. His mom (and Mister Wang, because he’s just always with them now, but Mu Qing doesn’t mind) went swimming with him once, on a weekend, so that this wouldn’t be the first time.

It still feels weird. He feels naked. Probably because he is almost naked.

Xie Lian isn’t participating. He did come up with an elaborate excuse, since their classmates also don’t know about him. Mu Qing knows that Xie Lian is getting his own testosterone in a week or two, though. He’s lucky to have parents that are supportive enough of him for that, at least, even if his father insisted that he wouldn’t get hormone blockers when he was younger, which is bad enough.

So, he’s sitting on a chair at a little table, tasked with helping the teacher whenever she needs it. The other boys and girls step out of the changing rooms, and Mu Qing also simply thinks that swimming classes shouldn’t happen at school at all, given literally most of them look very self-conscious.

They’re teens. Seriously, what the fuck do adults think forcing them to do this? At least they’ve got school swimsuits.

…Not that they are particularly better than self-chosen ones, because they’re kind of ugly. Mu Qing has never been happier that he’s only made to wear the darkblue, weirdly baggy school swim-shorts instead of the swimsuit the girls are wearing. Still ugly, though. He hates everything about it.

“Ugh,” Feng Xin sighs, suddenly walking up behind him, “there’s literally no reason for me to participate when I have to get back out of the water in literally half an hour again, but whatever, I guess.”

Mu Qing does agree that’s unfortunate, but their PE teacher insisted. No sympathy for a fourteen-year-old who’s about to be a father in three months time and has to accompany his girlfriend to her appointments, even when Mu Qing thinks that should warrant it easily. Clearly, it doesn’t, though.

“Shut up,” he sighs, “get in the water, or I’ll push you.”

“You wouldn’t dare!” Feng Xin yelps, and pushes Mu Qing into the water instead.

Luckily, Mu Qing catches his movements early enough, way too tuned in to Feng Xin’s moves by now to miss them, and grabs him by the shoulders to pull him into his demise together with him.

He doesn’t plan on underwater wrestling though. He feels awkward enough like this, even if he’s had his surgery and no one can reasonably know, since his mom got another raise and they finally got him a proper packer that he can also wear while swimming. He doesn’t need a scarcely dressed Feng Xin on him. Not when that big oaf has hit another growth spurt, and Mu Qing has been feeling progressively uncomfortable about him in general.

He doesn’t get why.

He’s not going to do any more introspection about it, either. Mu Qing doesn’t need it. He doesn’t need more issues than the three of them already have, with Feng Xin’s son coming soon, and Guzi also still being in the picture.

Still, they tumble into the relatively cold water one after the other, the teacher’s angry shout reverberating through the air for a few seconds before it gets drowned out by water engulfing Mu Qing.

He does manage to kick Feng Xin’s shin once underwater, though, and does get a punch on his shoulder back, but when they resurface, they play sort of nice.

“You bastard!” Feng Xin hisses.

“You were the one who started this!” Mu Qing says, but no matter how insufferable they find each other, he thinks that at the same time…

Maybe they don’t hate each other. Maybe this is just their communication, by now.

“You’re gonna raise a shitty son if you treat him like this,” he continues, and nearly gets punched by Feng Xin over that again.

“Don’t call my son shitty, he ain’t even born yet.”

“You’ll sit at parent-teacher conferences at age twenty.”

“Shut up, I’ll be young and the hottest of all the parents.”

“Pfft, dream on, who finds you hot?”

“Well, one of us is gonna be a father, so there’s your answer, and it ain’t you.”

“Because I’d know how to use protection.”

“You fucker, we did use-“

“The two of you, stop,” the PE teacher says, and Feng Xin and Mu Qing turn to her, but still glare at each other a little here and there. “First of all, don’t jump into the water without a cold shower. Your body needs to get used to the temperature. Secondly, don’t hurt each other while swimming, that is actively dangerous, and if you do, do it out of my sight. Thirdly, Mu Qing, don’t insult Feng Xin’s predicament.”

That does make Mu Qing snort.

“Oh, his predicament,” he echoes, but quickly catches himself because he doesn’t actually want to rebel against this teacher. Still too scared of any authority figure that isn’t his maths teacher, which Feng Xin also knows, because he grins hat him once more.

“Goody two shoes,” he hisses, and Mu Qing nearly lunges at him again. He just about holds back so that the teacher can’t scold them again.

“…Whatever,” she says, “go do the warmup swimming. On opposite ends of the pool, thank you very much.”

Of course. With a little sigh, and with Feng Xin telling him that he wouldn’t want to swim next to him anyway, they part way again, and swim to opposite sides of the pool instead.

The thing is, they’ve never really changed, but somehow, their bickering has become more of a tradition now than genuine hatred. At least from Mu Qing’s side, but… something with the way Feng Xin grins at him sometimes makes him think that he’s the same.

Xie Lian doesn’t even try to interfere with them a lot anymore.

Only when they actually argue, which still does happen a lot no matter what, does he step in to make them shut up and talk it out, even when they really suck at that.

Whether they’re next to each other or not, they do still manage to make a competition out of it, though, and then they’re doing much more than just warming up, racing each other through the pool.

They’re pretty evenly matched, sadly, and after a while, they’re out of breath enough that the teacher takes some pity on them and sends them to their bags to go drink some water and then come back and ‘swim like normal people’, in her words.

“I beat you, by the way,” Mu Qing announces as he climbs out of the water, refusing to look at Feng Xin much, “I had you.”

“Yeah, no, you so didn’t.”

“Shut up.”

“No you shut up!”

Mu Qing grabs his bottle, kind of tempted to whack Feng Xin’s head with it. He just about controls himself, though.

“…People can’t tell, right?” he asks, his voice somehow faster than his thoughts are. It’s still rare he’s actively vulnerable, even though Feng Xin knows.

“Tell what?”

“That I’m…” he starts, opening the bottle to occupy his hands somehow. He drinks some of it.

“Ah. No, why would they? You just look like some guy.”

When Mu Qing has gulped down enough water to satisfy his thirst for now, he puts the bottle down, and then looks at Feng Xin.

For some reason, Feng Xin is staring at him, and for some reason, his eyes are kind of big, and the expression on his face is a weird one. Mu Qing tries desperately to pin down just what’s wrong, and what he’s thinking, but he’s never seen that look on Feng Xin’s face before.

(He has, but he’s never looked at Mu Qing with it, and since there’s no reason for him to be looking at Mu Qing this way, it must mean that it’s wrong, and it’s not that look after all.)

(It’s not the kind of look he gives Jian Lan.)

(There’d be no sense in that.)

Yet…

“What are you looking at me for, did I suddenly grow boobs?”

“N-no,” Feng Xin stutters, and only then does he rip his gaze from him. Like he’s been caught doing something. He scrambles down to his knees to grab his own water bottle, hastily opening it to drink some, too.

“You’re acting weird. What, am I that ugly?”

“Mu Qing, I swear to fuck, you’re insufferable, you asked me whether you look like a guy or no, so I looked at you! And yeah, you do, you’re fine, now shut up!”

For some fucking reason, Feng Xin sounds actually angry with him. It’s that which takes Mu Qing aback a bit, because through all their playfighting, it’s just… that.

Okay, apart from the actual fights. But they’re usually about something stupid.

Mu Qing’s looks aren’t something he considers stupid.

To be fair – he’s gotten better, a bit. He thinks that testosterone is doing its job. Top surgery did its job. He feels better about himself. In fact, Mu Qing doesn’t even think he looks particularly bad, anymore. In fact, he thinks he looks kind of good. Like, actually. Not that he’d say that out loud just yet, but he thinks he might actually be good-looking, objectively.

Which is wild, because he hated himself so much until just some time ago, so suddenly toppling all these feelings and replacing them with the literal opposite feels weird as hell.

“I’m not the insufferable one, but…” Mu Qing fights with himself for a few breaths. Eventually, he gives up. “But… thanks, I guess.”

“No issue,” Feng Xin makes, not facing him. he has his face turned away a bit, and sneaks a look at his phone in his bag. “You look like a regular guy, so stop worrying about such stupid bullshit. No one can tell or whatever. No one gives a fuck, either, I mean, some might, but then they’re just assholes, so isn’t it whatever?”

Feng Xin probably has a point.

“I guess. It’s easy to say.”

“Maybe,” Feng Xin says, putting his phone away again. “But you’ve got nothing to worry about. Also- you’re not bad-looking.”

Okay, so.

Mu Qing knows he just thought that himself.

Hearing it from Feng Xin, though? Entirely new thing. Like, what the fuck?

He whips his head around to him, and only then does Feng Xin look at him. He acts like he didn’t literally just compliment Mu Qing, and drops his bottle back into his bag, following his phone all casually.

“Alright, let’s go back before she gets angry again.”

And with that, Feng Xin just leaves, not saying another word, not at all acknowledging what he's just said to Mu Qing.

On the other side, Mu Qing stands there, rooted to the ground and feeling his face go from cold to really, really warm in the span of what can only be a few seconds.

What the fuck just happened?

What the actual fuck just happened?

He swallows once, twice, seeing that small picture him, Feng Xin, Xie Lian and Guzi took in that photo booth the other day that he keeps in his backpack.

He can’t help but feel his whole damned heart go all soft and mellow and cold at the very same time. What the fuck does Feng Xin mean, he isn’t ‘bad-looking’? Does that mean Feng Xin thinks he’s ‘good-looking’ instead? Why would he say that to him? Why would he say such a thing of all things? He has a pregnant girlfriend-

Not that Mu Qing thinks he said it with such intentions behind it. Not that he would hope for that, either, it’s just…

Feng Xin complimenting him feels right, even when it’s not.

God, it’s good Feng Xin will have to leave soon already.

Mu Qing will go home with Xie Lian and spent the afternoon with Guzi while Qi Rong is at his third job (he keeps getting fired), and then join his mom in cooking dinner in the evening, and everything will be normal again.

He won’t ask Feng Xin what he meant.

And, given how fast Feng Xin left, he’s probably not going to elaborate on it, either.

Notes:

mu qing: because id know how to use protection
mu qing some years in the future desperately looking back at his teenage self:

Chapter 23: Maths&Cats: 22

Notes:

hi i am back with THE chapter for feng xin LMFAO <3 got that shitty two-day 9-hours-a-day seminar tmr and the day after i will die. combust. might write this fic during class because fuck it we ball actually

It’s during maths class when the inevitable call comes.

Feng Xin picks up in the middle of class without even bothering to go outside once he sees the number; Mu Qing glances at it from across the table, and pretty much also drops everything right then and there, as well as Xie Lian.

“Yes?” Feng Xin asks, and given how close he is, Mu Qing very clearly hears Jian Lan’s mother on the other end of the phone, saying the four words they’ve all been waiting for the past few months.

“The baby is coming.”

“Fuck. I gotta go,” Feng Xin says, “shit, shit, my parents are at work, how am I getting to the hospital?”

“I can’t leave, and my husband is still at work, too,” Jian Lan’s mother says, “public transport…?”

“Takes fucking ages. I’ll- figure something out. My bike will do if-“

“Feng Xin,” Mister Wang says from the front desk, “class is over in five minutes, we’ll end it right here, I’ll just give everyone the homework. This is the last class. I’m driving you.”

“Oh, bless your entire existence, Sir,” Feng Xin says, “damn, wished you were my dad.”

Mu Qing steps on his foot below the table for that remark, because even when his shitty son is being born, Feng Xin still has it in him to make fun of Mu Qing? The guy needs to get his priorities straight. He’s going at fifteen now, and he’s going to be a father in the course of the next twelve hours the latest, probably. Mu Qing hopes his absolute best that Jian Lan’s birth isn’t going to take all too long. He can’t imagine how much that shit must hurt.

Pressing a whole baby out of there? Terrifying. Mu Qing has never been happier in his entire life that he most likely can’t get pregnant – not that anyone would get him pregnant to begin with, but either way, this isn’t going to happen to him. At any rate, pregnancy itself scares him now that he’s seen Jian Lan. The fact that her morning sickness never really stopped so she was drowsy on sickness medication for the past few months is bad enough. And don’t even get Mu Qing started on other things she got in trouble with, health-wise. Absolutely terrifying concept. The human body, that is.

Mister Wang does give a small laugh and announces the homework while Feng Xin – and by extension Mu Qing and Xie Lian all start packing up their things, too. They’ll come with him; obviously not into the room with Jian Lan, but at least to the hospital in case anything happens.

They have a cafeteria there and everything, so they won’t starve, and while Mu Qing never has the most money on him (in his last few months at his old school, Mu Qing would always run the risk of someone trying to steal the little money he had), but Xie Lian has a lot, and he knows he’s willing to spend it on Mu Qing.

Of course, Mu Qing will pay him back later. If he lets him. Usually, Xie Lian does refuse, and straight up doesn’t take the money. There have been times when Mu Qing has personally stuffed it into Xie Lian’s wallet. Yes, he’s poor, so what? He’s not going to be indebted to his friends. He absolutely refuses.

“Meet me at my car,” Mister Wang instructs them as soon as he’s given the homework, which has completely flown over his head. Not like it matters. This is basically his father now, in some ways, so he can ask him at any time.

In fact, Mu Qing’s mother and him have started talking about moving together, once Mu Qing is at high school. Of course they’ve asked him and consulted with him, and as much as Mu Qing still remains a tiny, tiny bit wary of him at heart – he isn’t against it. He knows he treats his mother well, and that he accepts him. He also thinks that no matter the last tidbits of his wariness, he’d feel a lot safer with him there.

His father has tried contacting them again a few times, and every single time, they’ve reported it. Sadly, they can’t do a lot about phone calls, so Mu Qing and his mother could only block his numbers on every single device they had everywhere. He’s tried even from his new girlfriend’s phone, and what for? Maybe it’s for his new girlfriend. That’s the only explanation Mu Qing can come up with. She probably knows he has a child and scolded him for having lost contact with said child or whatever. Mu Qing doesn’t give a single fucking damn.

The three of them dart out of the room as soon as everything is packed, and some of their classmates wish Feng Xin good luck. By now, everyone knows. It’s not like you can really keep a pregnancy secret, and before rumors arise of just who is at fault for said pregnancy apart from the mother herself, it’s better to just come out about it.

“It’ll be alright,” Xie Lian says, holding Feng Xin’s hand the entire way to the car, “there are doctors there and everything. Nothing will go wrong, Feng Xin. They can perform surgery at any time they need if the natural way doesn’t work after all, okay?”

“Yes,” Feng Xin gasps, clearly panicking, “theoretically, I’m aware, but none of that fucking helps right now.”

“Seriously, what are you even going to do when your son catches a cold or whatever,” Mu Qing snorts, carrying both his own bag and Feng Xin’s, since he’s somehow ended up with that one, too.

“Shut your clever mouth for just today, please,” Feng Xin instructs him, and as much as Mu Qing wants to use his clever mouth to retort something sarcastic, he refrains from it. Sadly, Feng Xin does have a point this once. His son is being born. He can still have a go at him whenever Feng Xin is back at school.

Mister Wang is there in record time, and once he opens his car with the key, all four of them sit down in it. He starts it before they’ve even fasted their seatbelts. Feng Xin is squeezed in between Mu Qing and Xie Lian.

“Fuck, I feel sick,” Feng Xin suddenly whimpers when they’ve driven down the hill that their school is on.

“Don’t throw up in my car. There should be a plastic bag by your feet, just in case, though.”

Yes. Because his car is a mess. It’s a surprise he even knows what trash he has in his car, and Mu Qing has some kind of respect for that.

“No, if I throw up, I’m doing it on Mu Qing’s shoes.”

“Oh shut up, you asked me not to be a bitch to you, so the same should apply right now! Truce,” and with that Mu Qing hands Feng Xin the shitty plastic bag. Dust is already clinging to it, and it smells faintly of apple. Who the fuck carries apple slices in a plastic bag? Mister Wang better be happy that he’s met Mu Qing’s mother. She has enough lunch boxes on her at all times.

…Maybe for the guy’s birthday, Mu Qing is going to gift him a proper lunchbox. He has enough savings to make that expense. He’ll just have to talk to his mother about it so that they don’t both have the same idea.

Xie Lian and Mu Qing try their best to calm Feng Xin down for the rest of the drive, but not to any avail, really. This once, Mu Qing can’t blame him either. This is a barely fifteen year-old guy who’s about to be a father, and the mother of his child has just gone into labor. Mu Qing would also be terrified. In fact, he is terrified, it’s just that he’s pretty good at retaining a cool head even in the most difficult of situations, unless they involve his own father.

Once they’re parked at the hospital, Feng Xin storms off, to no one’s surprise. They let him.

“I’ll text him that we’re getting some snacks and drinks and taking them to the ward,” Xie Lian says, “in case he ever checks his phone. If not, we’re just doing it. Do we wait here?”

“I’d assume so,” Mu Qing says, “unless it gets too late. We’ve got school tomorrow, and I will need to sleep, kid or no kid.”

Mister Wang laughs and leans over a bit to ruffle his hair, but Mu Qing quietly brushes his hand away. Embarrassing. Not in front of his friend.

“Good call. I’ll call your mom as soon as we’re all settled, and then we’ll just camp out here until it’s time. I’ve got enough money to treat you both to some proper lunch, though. If she only just started going into labor, it’ll probably still take a long while, so once we’ve brought snacks up to Feng Xin, we should head to the cafeteria first.”

“Hey, Xie Lian,” Mu Qing says, “bet Feng Xin will pass out at one point during the birth?”

“…He will,” Xie Lian laughs, “he’s not staying conscious for all of that. Well, they’ve got nurses too. They’ll know what to do.”

“I just pity Jian Lan. Imagine you’re actively trying to push out a baby, and your boyfriend who’s there to support you while you’re going through one of the most horrible pains of your entire life, faints. If I was Jian Lan, I’d break up with him.”

Both Xie Lian and Mister Wang laugh at that, which Mu Qing is very pleased about. He doesn’t think that he’s a very funny person, but whenever he does make people laugh, it feels like a win, because that means he’s an interesting person in some way.

“Alright,” his teacher says in the end, not refuting that Feng Xin will faint either, “let’s go in.”

 

*

 

By the time they’re upstairs, the room is closed. They learn from a nurse that Feng Xin is in there together with Jian Lan and her mother, and that they can leave the snacks in front of it. After that, they head to the cafeteria and get lunch. It’s not the best food Mu Qing has ever had, especially considering how good of a cook his mother is, but it fills his stomach better than any vending machine items could, so that’ll do it.

They stay seated there for quite a while. Feng Xin does use his phone, checking it every now and then to keep them updated. It does however seem like it’ll still take some hours. All three of them get a tea, and only then do they go back upstairs to the maternity ward. The same nurse is still on duty, and Feng Xin and Jian Lan seem to have given her explicit permission to tell them about how they’re doing. So far, everything seems to be normal and so, they wait.

Since they have their school stuff on them, they’re able to occupy themselves with homework for quite a while, since they have a lot to do for literature class tomorrow.

It’s when Mu Qing finishes analyzing the passage of the poem they’re meant to invest themselves in today that very audible screaming noises make their way out of the room with Jian Lan in it. They’re sitting somewhat to the side, but the woman in the room next to her already had her child during the night, and it’s definitely not the other two rooms over, so they know that it’s very, very real now.

Feng Xin is going to be a father soon. It probably won’t take very long anymore.

Except oh, he was wrong about that, because the screams persist.

“…Is everything alright?” Xie Lian stutters out at a particularly loud scream and even Mister Wang looks a tiny bit pale.

“I’d assume so, since no one’s rushing into their room. I’ve never been there for a birth, but I’m assuming it takes a while.”

It probably does. Mu Qing closes the other book they’re meant to be reading. Enough progress for now.

Suddenly, the door of the room swings open, and when Mu Qing glances around the corner, he sees a very, very pale Feng Xin held up by a nurse.

“Ha,” he comments, “I knew you’d faint.”

“Shut it,” Feng Xin grumbles, his voice weak, but even the nurse gives a tiny chuckle at Mu Qing’s words.

“That’s normal,” she comments, depositing Feng Xin next to them. Xie Lian is immediately there with some water for him, which Feng Xin takes very, very gratefully.

“Give yourself some time and then come back in, if you can. Her mother may be with her, but I’m sure she wants you there, too,” the nurse continues, and Feng Xin gives her a weak nod.

“Yes. I’ll- do my best.”

The nurse leaves again.

Feng Xin gups down some water very hastily, and wordlessly accepts the muesli bar Mister Wang hands him, gulfing it down just as fast as the water as if very, very determined to make it back into that room. Only after he’s finished eating does Xie Lian dare to ask him what’s on all of their minds.

“Is everything alright so far?”

“Yeah,” Feng Xin says, “just- you know, you know, some blood here and there. She pressed my hand a lot. Also, I panicked. Fainting’s totally on me. Dear god, how embarrassing.”

“Hm. It’s embarrassing. I wouldn’t faint if I were to go in,” Mu Qing proudly announces, because he’s actually very convinced of that.

Feng Xin only gives him a huff as an answer.

“It won’t take too long anymore. She’s properly dilated and stuff now, so I really need to go back in as soon as I don’t feel this fucking dizzy anymore.”

“Is it getting better?” Mister Wang asks, "just focus on breathing and let the water and calories properly reach you, Feng Xin. Pressuring yourself will only make it take longer for you to be okay again.”

“Thanks, Teach. You’re right. Good god, this is exhausting.”

“Just imagine how it must be for Jian Lan, then,” Mu Qing says.

He’s half expecting a pissed off answer from Feng Xin at his smartassery, but instead, Feng Xin only slumps against his shoulder, all of a sudden.

“Shut up,” he grunts into it, “let me rest for a second, alright?”

And Mu Qing, way too taken aback by Feng Xin’s head on his shoulder, lets him. He buries his nose in his shoulder a little, which presses his forehead against Mu Qing’s neck. His hair tickles him, cut shorter just the other week. His breath comes rapid but slows down after a bit.

If Mu Qing didn’t know better, he’d think he’s Feng Xin’s fucking girlfriend, not Jian Lan, but she’s literally in labor right now, so obviously that’s not the case.

For some reason, he does also get the urge to take Feng Xin’s hand to comfort him further, but that’d probably be very out of pocket. So, he only sighs and crosses his arms instead, to make sure he doesn’t give in to that urge.

It’s Xie Lian instead who casually takes Feng Xin’s hand to squeeze it, and also starts brushing through his hair almost like he’s his mom, until Feng Xin has calmed down.

Time-wise, it isn’t very long that Feng Xin rests on Mu Qing’s shoulder like this, but it feels like a long time to Mu Qing. It’s probably the most physical contact they’ve ever had, and the most intimate, in some way.

With someone that isn't his mom, anyway.

Every time he glances down, he only makes out Feng Xin’s tousled hair and his tanned neck, and the loves of his ears. Everything else, he feels instead.

It’s weird.

It makes his heart beat fast.

Mu Qing wants to be nowhere else and everywhere else at the very same time.

“Okay,” Feng Xin suddenly mumbles against his skin. Then, he resurfaces. “Alright, okay, I’m going back in.”

Jian Lan’s screams never ceased, but it’s also only really been a few minutes, so it’s probably fine.

“Good luck,” Mister Wang says, “you’ll be fine. We’ll be here for you, too, and we can stay until night.”

“Not that I want to,” Mu Qing sighs, “but I guess he’s right. We’ll all stay.”

For a few seconds, Feng Xin damn well looks like he’s about to cry, but he swallows his tears down, nods at the three of them, and then goes back into the room.

For Mu Qing, Xie Lian, and their maths teacher who’s now here for one of his student’s becoming a father, the wait starts right back up.

The doctor leaves at one point, but only to use the bathroom – Mu Qing sees her disappear into the bathroom, which means the one in the room is occupied. Feng Xin is totally throwing up from fear, isn’t he?

She goes back in, and just a few minutes later, there’s a scream that’s decidedly not Jian Lan’s. It’s higher pitched, and much whinier, and very, very clearly a baby scream.

“…Dear god, he’s here,” Mister Wang says, practically doubling over in relief, and Xie Lian and Mu Qing both feel the very same way.

Mu Qing lets out a really loud breath while he just listens to the cries of Feng Xin’s and Jian Lan’s baby, and given that there’s no other hasty screaming, he’s highly assuming that everything is fine.

He leans back into his chair, and for the first time in hours, dares to drink some water himself.

Alright.

He’s not really an uncle now, but kind of. At fourteen. Nearly fifteen. Whatever.

At least he’s no father yet.

As nonchalant as he wants to seem, not even Mu Qing can manage to fight of the smile on his face right now.

Chapter 24: Maths&Cats: 23

Notes:

nearly forgot today is upload day icl... help. survived that seminar. idk how but i survived it now on to writing... checks. 30 pages about it. sigh. (I'm 12 in already tbf, but after the halfway point i gotta plan again n shit so it'll take ages to write the other 15 LOL)

“I cannot express to you in words how much baby poop smells.”

“I know, Feng Xin. I’ve taken care of babies before,” Mu Qing sighs at Feng Xin’s greeting words. He hasn’t gone to school in a week to take care of his son with Jian Lan, who, for some reason, has gotten the nickname ‘Cuocuo’ by now. Was he a mistake? Probably, yes. Does he deserve the nickname, though? Probably, no.

“Right,” Feng Xin grumbles, “well, I guess it’s gonna be a long while till he poops and wipes on his own, so I’ll just have to deal with this now.”

“Can we come see him again today?” Xie Lian asks, already opening the book their literature class is still reading, looking up at his friend.

Mu Qing can’t lie. In a way, he did miss Feng Xin in the past week. It felt a bit lonely with the seat next to him unoccupied. He’s too used to being annoyed.

“Yeah, Jian Lan’s over at mine today.”

In the end, Feng Xin’s and Jian Lan’s parents decided to take turns taking their days off work for the first few months, so that Feng Xin, and Jian Lan in another week or two – at least for a few hours a day – could go back to school. Jian Lan isn’t breastfeeding him either, so that makes it a tiny bit easier. As long as Cuocuo gets used to all of them, this is probably a decent way of going about it, given how young his parents are.

Some way has to be found, even if it isn’t perfect.

“Great! We’ll come by then, right, Mu Qing?” Xie Lian asks, and how could Mu Qing say ‘no’?

His hatred for Feng Xin and his rather complicated feelings for Jian Lan aside, he does like Cuocuo. He’s not at fault for having a stupid father and a mother that, for some fucking reason, Mu Qing is jealous of. Like, that’s a baby. He’s done nothing wrong. Besides, if he gets used to him, Mu Qing can babysit him whenever necessary, too. He knows kids need to trust someone to let themselves be handled by them, and just popping in every now and again until he trusts and remembers him to begin with will be good.

“Sure,” he sighs, “Feng Xin’s son, full of poop.”

“Don’t say that about my son,” Feng Xin says.

In response, Mu Qing steps on Feng Xin’s foot.

“You just said it about him yourself.”

“Uh-huh, because I’m his father, so I’m allowed to. You, however, are not.”

And, for some reason, despite the fact he’s only turning fifteen next week, Feng Xin does kind of look like a father.

 

*

 

They do indeed go over to Feng Xin’s directly after school. His mother, who’s staying home first, is seated on the sofa with Jian Lan, bowls of soup in front of them. They’re talking like they’re good friends already – well, at least Jian Lan likes her future step mother. Feng Xin’s mom is very nice, to be fair. Mu Qing does also like her. In general, Feng Xin’s parents are out of the house a lot, but the fact that they’re here without any doubts when their son needs them means that they’re good people.

Mu Qing, now, finally, knows what it’s like to have two caring parents, too.

“Ah, hi!” Feng Xin’s mother greets them, “Cuocuo’s asleep in his crib, so don’t be too loud! He only just stopped crying.”

“Of course. He does nothing but poop and cry,” Feng Xin sighs, which makes Mu Qing give him a small smirk.

“You can’t blame me for saying he poops ever again.”

“Like I said, I’m his father, so I’m allowed. You’re not.”

“Can you two do anything but argue,” Xie Lian sighs, but shakes his head with a small smile anyway. “Well, I guess we’ll just stay here till he wakes up, then. How are you, Jian Lan?”

“Better now,” she says after swallowing some of her soup, “I’m not giving birth again any time soon is all I know.”

“Yeah, it’s not great,” Feng Xin’s mother laughs, “it’s alright, you survived. Give your body some time to recover.”

“I guess,” she sighs, taking another spoon of soup, and then pointing towards the kitchen. “There should still be enough food for you three.”

So, the three of them do get the food and sit down with them. Chatter over lunch is light, and mostly about Cuocuo. Eight days old now. Already, the thought that he’s going to grow up feels inherently weird to Mu Qing. Like, that baby is going to be a fully grown adult one day? Insane. He can barely imagine himself being an adult in a few years time, let alone little Cuocuo.

After lunch, Mu Qing and Xie Lian do the washing up, so that the parents and the grandmother get a bit of rest in. Just alleviate their duties a little.

Besides, they got to eat the soup for free, so washing up is the least they can do.

…Not that Xie Lian is particularly a great help with the dishes, but Mu Qing doesn’t have the heart to tell him to stop trying after Xie Lian refuses three times, so he drops the issue, even if it does annoy him a bit. Xie Lian sucks at chores, okay? Mu Qing would literally be faster without him.

In the end, Cuocuo wakes up and starts crying at a volume unimaginable for such a tiny creature. Jian Lan is already on her feet before Feng Xin can move.

“He needs a nappy change, and I know you find these disgusting,” she says with a little glare. Feng Xin cowers under her gaze.

“Should I help you instead?” Feng Xin’s mom asks with an amused glance at her son, but Mu Qing ends up being the one to wave her off.

“I’ll help her, I’m used,” he says, and is gets up alongside Jian Lan. She gives him a small look of surprise, but doesn’t argue with him, so they make their way over to the small room that used to be the storage room of Feng Xin’s parents, having gotten transformed into Cuocuo’s room.

“It’s nice of you to help, but I can handle it on my own, too,” Jian Lan says, but Mu Qing quietly shakes his head.

“It’s no issue. If my boyfriend was Feng Xin and he was the father of my child, I’d probably kill to have literally anyone else help me.”

“He isn’t, though,” she says. Somehow, her tone of voice is strange when she says that; like she knows something Mu Qing doesn’t, like she feels the same way about Mu Qing that he feels about her.

Maybe she’s jealous that he’s close to Feng Xin, too, even if he’s just a friend. If he can dare calling himself that. It still kind of feels wrong, no matter which way he twists it.

“Well, obviously,” is the answer Mu Qing eventually lands on. Feng Xin isn’t his boyfriend. And he won’t be. Mu Qing would much rather die than have Feng Xin as a boyfriend, to be honest. Just look at him – utterly useless, disgusted with some baby poop, what the hell will he do when Cuocuo is in his teens and comes home drunk as hell and throws up all over the house?

“I guess,” Jian Lan sighs, finally lifting Cuocuo out of his crib and rocking him against herself a few time, patting his back. “There, there, no need to cry, mom’s here, mom’s here, okay?”

She does well, though. She’s a good mom already. She doesn’t seem annoyed with him for crying at all or anything of the like, and Mu Qing knows that means a lot, because most parents do get annoyed.

Inevitably, her and Feng Xin are going to get annoyed by him. As long as they don’t show it, though, that’s all that matters.

“Say, Mu Qing,” she says when Cuocuo finally starts calming down more and more, his cries growing quieter and quieter steadily. “Your parents broke up, didn’t they?”

Where the fuck did that come from?

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but I don’t know anyone else with divorced parents, so I figured I could ask you.”

“What?” Mu Qing asks, entirely confused now, “are you planning to break up with Feng Xin?”

“Obviously not,” she laughs, “I love him.”

It’s stated so plainly and openly for a fifteen-year-old girl, in that tone that Mu Qing finds both naïve and down-to-earth at the same time. It’s a tone that has no place for anything to refute, like this is the single truth Jian Lan has found, like that’s all she needs to know in order to survive a pregnancy and a birth and raise a child.

Mu Qing can only hope that one day, he can say the same thing about someone, with the same kind of strength, the same lack of doubt.

“…Sure,” he says, in the end, “what do you want to ask?”

“…Would your rather your parents had stayed together like, forcibly, or are you glad they broke up?”

“Genuinely, if you’re not going to break up with Feng Xin, why the hell would you ask something like that?”

Because obviously Feng Xin’s not going to break up with her. Does she have some kind of mental health issue now, after giving birth? Mu Qing knows these things can happen. She looks to the side, expression strangely unreadable.

“Well, we’re fifteen. I love him, but I have to be realistic and admit that no matter how much I want us to stay together, that might not always be the case. If you’re uncomfortable answering, just say so.”

“…I’m not,” Mu Qing says. It’s not entirely right, but this once, he’ll ignore his usual inability to communicate his feelings. Actually, what she’s asking is entirely sensible. It’s sensible in regards to her child, too. “You’re right, I suppose. No, I’m glad they broke up, but my father really sucked. Feng Xin isn’t going to be like him.”

Because he’s already accepted him. He already told him that his father is a big piece of shit who deserves nothing but the most horrible things in life. He’s already told him that Mu Qing is fine, that it doesn’t matter what he looks like at all.

“But if you end up not liking each other anymore, what’s the use in staying together? Break-ups aren’t easy on kids either way, sure, but if you lie to them and just end up arguing, isn’t that much worse for the kid in the long run? And if you like each other enough, just live together as friends.”

Although that’s probably unrealistic for most. He knows as much, but in some cases, it might work out, and then that’s probably the best case scenario for parents and children. Just get a house big enough for their new partners, and there you go. Well, if the money is there.

“Hm. Yeah, I guess that’s right. What… did your father do?”

“Be an asshole,” Mu Qing responds.

“So, you don’t want to talk about it?”

He sighs, grabbing a new nappy once Jian Lan places Cuocuo – happily smiling and making little laughing sounds now, absolute angel except when he’s not – on top of the counter they’ve got the cushion on to change him. Jian Lan gets to work, stripping him of his old one.

“Not really, no. A lot of stuff. To me and my mother both. Nothing I could excuse, and nothing Feng Xin would ever do, so don’t worry about it. Feng Xin knows, and he said my father’s an asshole too, so these are things you really don’t have to worry about.”

“Hm. He’s doing kind of well, as a dad. Surprisingly. I think I’m doing well as a mom, too. Even if everyone says I’m too young. I’m glad I had him, in the end. I really don’t regret it.”

“That’s good,” Mu Qing responds, screwing up his face a bit after all when he smells the baby poop. “Well, if you and Feng Xin ever do part ways… just don’t make it messy. Just be nice to each other. Don’t take it out on him, he’s not at fault.”

Unlike Mu Qing. Although… not entirely. It’s been easier, since more people than his mom have learned of it all and accepted him. He thinks that maybe, his father is much more at fault than he is, these days. It’s not his fault he was born like this. Mu Qing isn’t the one who’s said these things to himself for the first time – he only followed his father’s teachings, later.

“Yeah. I suppose that’s true. You want any kids, one day?”

“Not now, because I’m too young,” Mu Qing says, hoping his message gets across; don’t have any more kids than him, you’re too young. “One day, maybe. I don’t know.”

Jian Lan smiles and grabs the new nappy, which Cuocuo starts crying at again, kicking and punching around him like he really doesn’t want a new piece of white cloth to poop into.

Mu Qing thus occupies himself as a machine of baby distraction until they’re done, by which time both him and Jian Lan are a tiny bit exhausted from the whole ordeal.

“Alright. Back into his jumper he goes,” she sighs, which is when Mu Qing realized begrudgingly that oh, this isn’t the end yet. The nappy isn’t enough. The jumper still has to go on.

With a sigh, they both get back to work.

 

*

 

Mu Qing is the one carrying Cuocuo out of the room, since Jian Lan said that if this many people are here, she’s going to take a quick shower, and that she trusts him with him. Mu Qing does assure her that he knows how to hold babies and take care of them, even if he’s never held an eight-days-old.

He’s not much different from the older babies, though. Just smaller and more fragile, he supposes.

He rocks him up and down gently while walking, not fast or hard, just to make sure he doesn’t start crying. He seems to like the rocking motion Jian Lan made, so he tries to imitate it.

“If someone could open the door for me, please? I’m holding your shitty son!” he shouts from outside the door. Immediately, footsteps resound from within the room, and Feng Xin opens it up for Mu Qing, grinning from one ear to another.

“Do you agree? That his poop smells bad?”

“Smells like normal baby poop, get used already, you dipshit,” Mu Qing sighs, and steps into the living room. He carries him to the sofa, Feng Xin leading them there.

Just when he’s about to hand him to Feng Xin, he looks down at him, and realizes that Cuocuo has promptly fallen asleep right in his arms. What the fuck? Mu Qing is arguably not this kid’s father.

He wants to say something, but it just leaves his mouth as unintelligent stuttering, taken aback by how cute Cuocuo looks like this, all curled up in his arms, certainly not heavy or large.

“Oh gods, he’s back to sleeping. Let him,” Feng Xin says, sitting down next to Mu Qing and grabbing the remote control.

“…You don’t want him back?”

“You idiot, if you give him to me now, he’s gonna wake up. This way, we get to watch a movie or something and I get to fall asleep during it. Let’s take advantage of it, he’s kept me up the whole night, I need a fucking nap.”

“…Just go to your bed, then,” Xie Lian says, “and tell Jian Lan to get some rest too once she’s done showering. We’ll wake you if something happens, and your mom’s still here.”

“Yep, they’re right, A-xin. You two go get some sleep, we’ve got him handled. Is that okay for you, Mu Qing?”

“Not like I get much of a choice,” he says, looking down at Cuocuo, carefully navigating them into a lower position so that he doesn’t have to hold him as much; he may not be heavy, but Mu Qing knows because of Volleyball that even lower weights start feeling heavy at one point.

“True that,” Feng Xin’s mother laughs, and so does Feng Xin.

“Born to be a dad, Mu Qing,” he jokes, leaning over and solemnly patting his shoulder. “Take good care of my son, will you?”

Mu Qing rolls his eyes, but he can’t refute it, because he doesn’t dislike this at all.

Feng Xin leaves to go rest with Jian Lan, and him, Xie Lian, and Feng Xin’s mom turn on a quiet movie.

Cuocuo stays asleep for the entirety of it.

(As the credits roll, he starts screaming like the gates of hell have just broken down in front of him, and they wake up Feng Xin and Jian Lan. Mu Qing hands the bundle of terrifying hollering to his rightful parents and is very happy that he can give him away. Doesn’t mean he isn’t really cute, though.)

Chapter 25: Maths&Cats: 24

Notes:

hiii i am back and actually jsut hsve the whole weekend off, which on one hand is great because i get to rest, but on the other hand the tiredness is REAAALLY hitting now that i'm getting a break lmao i'm gonna do my chores and then lie the fuck back down into bed jHSDFJKG

Feng Xin has been looking at Mu Qing in this weird fucking way that Mu Qing has no idea how to place. It’s been happening not just while he changed Cuocuo’s diapers or cooked him his disgusting baby food now that he’s starting to eat a little of that, on top of some mushed bananas and chewing on saltless rice crackers with his teethless self. It’s been happening during swimming classes, maths class, when they’re hanging out in town every now and then whenever Feng Xin finds the time in between school and being a fucking father at fifteen.

Mu Qing has been trying not to mind. He doesn’t know why he keeps doing it, or what it means, but it looks like Feng Xin constantly wants to say something to him.

This has been going on for months now. He’s tired of it, but he does also know that Feng Xin has a lot going on. Jian Lan did suddenly get postpartum depression for a while, and she’s only starting to come out of it now. It’s not really a big surprise. She’s fifteen, just had a baby, and now has a crapload of responsibilities. But, in other words, that meant a lot more fell back on Feng Xin. And Feng Xin did everything for his son, without a single complaint, even when his grades fell like hell about it. He's been trying his best to study anyway, though. Xie Lian and Mu Qing are trying to teach him everything they can for the classes he misses.

He's still making it to high school after the vacation in a few days, at least, and his parents said that they’ll majorly take over for his first few weeks of it. Jian Lan will also try to make it through high school, but she doesn’t seem very keen on it.

Mu Qing gets it.

His own depression may not affect his school life a lot, but he can see why it would affect someone else.

So, when him and Feng Xin are alone at one point – if you ignore Cuocuo, but he’s probably still not very sentient at a little over five months, so it’s not like it matters he’s here – and Feng Xin finally opens his fucking mouth, Mu Qing is almost exhilarated.

“…Can we talk? I need to talk to someone,” Feng Xin blurts out right as he wraps Cuocuo back into a diaper. By now, his motions are practiced, and no amount of crying from his son gets his pity anymore. The diaper will get changed, whether Cuocuo wants it to be or not. Of course, Feng Xin is still very loving though, and he’ll calm down Cuocuo right after.

Today is a good day, though, so he’s just kind of letting Feng Xin do whatever he wants.

“Fucking hell, and I thought you’d never say something,” Mu Qing curses, stuffing his hands into his pockets, “you sure you don’t want to talk to Xie Lian, though?”

“No,” Feng Xin sighs, “I mean- I’ll talk to him, too. But I want to do it separately, because I want honest opinions. I haven’t- I’ve talked to my parents about it. Because they’d need to know, but…”

“You gonna leave us alone for high school and drop out?”

“You know damn well that as much as my parents love me, they are expecting me to go to university, so that’s not going to happen. They’d never let me, even if school is a fucking bother if you have a kid.”

Mu Qing just about barely bites back an ‘well don’t put your dick in places it doesn’t belong’, then. To be fair, they did use protection. This was all just unfortunate.

Not that Cuocuo himself is unfortunate, obviously. Mu Qing very much has come to love him, and Cuocuo loves him back. He does know that. He laughs and plays with him and Xie Lian, almost like they were his dads, too. Maybe they are, in a way, given that Cuocuo spends a lot of time around them.

“Alright. Well, shoot, then. You’ve been staring at me weirdly for quite a while now, and I’m growing tired of it.”

“Ah! Have I?” Feng Xin asks, and suddenly there’s a small, embarrassed blush on his face. “Uh… sorry. Just ignore me.”

“I was already ignoring you.”

“…Right.”

(Mu Qing is not making the right connections in his mind as to why exactly Feng Xin keeps staring at him in this manner, but in his defense, his self-worth is way too bad to ever be expected to come up with the possibility that someone could possibly like him.)

“Either way,” he starts out again, “I’d… I want to break up with Jian Lan.”

Mu Qing startles. He’d just grabbed the dirty diaper that Feng Xin had wrapped up for him from the counter, to go carry it outside as soon as possible because he knows damn well it’s going to smell up the whole flat if he doesn’t, but he drops it right away.

It stays there.

“What? Why?”

“I…” Feng Xin begins, but his voice soon trails off. He finishes Cuocuo up, and then gets him back in his clothes. “We’ll have to give him milk and some food soon, too.”

“Feng Xin. Why the fuck are you suddenly saying that you’re going to break up with Jian Lan?”

“Listen, I’m not doing this on a whim, alright? Why the fuck do you sound angry?”

The issue is, Mu Qing isn’t even angry with Feng Xin. He’s surprised and put off, and there’s another emotion that he can’t place. Doesn’t want to place, honestly.

He’s surprised, because he thinks that Jian Lan must have seen this coming, when she asked Mu Qing how he feels to have divorced parents, shortly after Cuocuo’s birth. She must have known this was going to happen one day. He's put off, because Feng Xin hasn’t at all let it on that this was something he was going to do. Feng Xin isn’t very good at hiding things from anyone, so he has no idea how the hell he managed to do it this time.

The other emotion, Mu Qing feels sick with it. Because he can place it, if he’s being honest with himself. He knows it’s something like happiness and hope, which, what the fuck? He shouldn’t be happy that Cuocuo’s parents are going to break up. It sucks, no matter what he wants to tell himself. Feng Xin and Jian Lan breaking up is going to suck for Cuocuo one way or another. But somehow, he’s happy regardless, which is why he’s so pissed with himself.

Mu Qing knows he’s a horrible person.

He just didn’t know it’s to such a degree, before.

“I’m not angry, just surprised,” he sighs in the end, trying to get himself to deflate as much as somewhat possible. He has to sound normal. Feng Xin was still nice to him when he was being a little bitch to the guy he now practically sees as his father.

“Alright.”

“So, why, though?” Mu Qing asks, and Feng Xin takes a deep breath.

“A lot of reasons. I mean- I don’t think we’re a good match. She’s been off in the past few months, apart from the depression, too. I didn’t mind that, obviously!”

Mu Qing knows he doesn’t, so he believes him.

“I just… she’s been a little cold. I’ve tried talking to her about it a few times, and even just with her other issues, she won’t talk. It’s just weird, because you also don’t talk, but in the end, you always do. She doesn’t. I know that in the end, you’ll break and spill whatever the fuck is on that stupid brain of yours.”

“…Hey. How did this turn into insulting me?” Mu Qing asks with a glare, picking the diaper back up and being about to fling it right at Feng Xin’s head. Feng Xin props Cuocuo up against his chest, and they leave his room after. They’re the only ones here right now.

Feng Xin’s parents are out shopping, Jian Lan is off child-duty for today, and Xie Lian is out with his brother and his brother's boyfriend.

“No reason,” Feng Xin makes, but he gives him another one of these small glances. “Anyway, what I’m saying is that you’ll talk if me and Xie Lian chip away at you enough, even if you clearly hate it. Jian Lan doesn’t. I can’t be with someone who’s so unwilling to communicate. Obviously she’s fine when it’s about Cuocuo, but when it’s about herself or me, that doesn’t work.”

He’s not talking like a fifteen-year-old at all. He’s a father now, and it shows. Feng Xin is being forced to grow up. Somehow, it makes Mu Qing feel like he doesn’t deserve to be next to him at all. He still feels like a child.

“I guess,” Mu Qing sighs, “and it’s not worth more tries?”

“No, and it’s been going on since before his birth. I’ve given it enough tries. Also I just- I don’t love her anymore. Not like that.”

“What do you mean, not like that?” Mu Qing asks, wanting to speak over the beat of his own heart fast enough so that he can continue ignoring the way it jumps at these words.

“Just… not like that. Romantically, I mean. Again, don’t get me wrong, she’s really pretty, and I promise I really did like her that way, but… just… not anymore.”

“And how’d you even know that?” Mu Qing scoffs, carrying the diaper over towards the door. He opens it and then throws it into the trash can right next to the house.

“Because I know. What, you’ve never had a crush before?”

“No, because some of us have other worries and don’t plan on starting a family as a teenager.”

“That’s so not- oh, never mind,” Feng Xin sighs. He carries Cuocuo over to the kitchen and grabs the milk powder, the bottle, and a pot to warm up some water. “Genuinely, though? Never?”

He has that weird look on him again. The one Mu Qing can’t place. He sits down and reaches his arms out to take Cuocuo from Feng Xin. The baby laughs at him, and even more when Mu Qing places him in his lap and starts bumping his legs up and down a little.

“No,” he repeats and believes himself, “I’ve never had a crush.”

(Little does Mu Qing know.)

“Right. Either way, you can tell. I can, at least. Especially because- I do have a crush. On someone else. Not Jian Lan.”

Okay.

Now that?

That.

Mu Qing’s breath stops at that.

“Excuse me? Who the- don’t let Jian Lan know of that at least, what the hell? Did you cheat on her?”

“Obviously not!” Feng Xin screeches, the stove making an awkward sizzling noise; there must be water between it and the pot. “Fucking hell, I’d do no such thing, Mu Qing! That’s why I want to break up with her! I mean, to be fair… I’m not going to act on that crush. The person probably doesn’t like me back anyway, so what’d be the point? It doesn’t matter. But Jian Lan deserves better than this, too.”

With that, Mu Qing can agree. If Feng Xin doesn’t love her anymore, then that’s enough reason to break up, even if the communication wasn’t such a big issue. He does understand both points. Feng Xin is reasonable about this, as much as he hates to admit.

Mu Qing just really, really doesn’t want to put himself into Jian Lan’s shoes for this.

“And I’d tell her, because she deserves to know,” Feng Xin says, “if that makes me a asshole, then…”

“Kind of,” Mu Qing says, “but… there’s nothing you can do, right?”

“I guess not.”

“And you’ve come to the conclusion that this is the only sensible decision? Despite having Cuocuo?”

“Well, there’s no need for him to have parents that don’t love each other. If we stayed together, it’d just cause trouble. I mean, I think Jian Lan probably, still…”

“How long have you had that crush, anyway?” Mu Qing asks, once more remembering that conversation with Jian Lan from a few months prior. He wonders whether she had a suspicion about that already, before then.

“…Since before Cuocuo was born. Not too much before that, but a little. I didn’t pay much attention to it at the time, to be honest, and just thought it was something passing, but it’s been half a year now. I don’t think it’s passing.”

“You’re talking about your crush like it’s a disease.”

“Might as well be,” Feng Xin says, spooning some powder into the bottle. The water starts steaming just a tiny bit. Feng Xin deems that warm enough after a few stirs, and pours it into the bottle. He closes it up and shakes.

Cuocuo watches the fast motion of it and laughs.

Mu Qing bumps him up and down on his leg a little harder.

“Who even is it?” Mu Qing asks, but Feng Xin just grits his teeth and shakes his head, walking over with the bottle.

“I’m not telling you. Genuinely. I’m not telling anyone. I told my parents I liked someone else, but I didn’t tell them who- well, they know, anyway, but they’re my parents. If you don’t realize it by yourself, then I’m not going to tell.”

“Oh my God. It’s not Xie Lian, is it?” Mu Qing stammers out, suddenly presented with the possibility that Feng Xin might be into boys and he might have-

Nothing.

Mu Qing does not care about whether Feng Xin is into boys or not, and even if he cared, Mu Qing still has trouble seeing himself as a boy, so there’s that.

“No. Obviously not, Mu Qing. Or not obvious to you, I guess. So, yeah, it sucks. But you think I’m being somewhat reasonable about it? Just a little, at least?”

If Feng Xin has had this crush for half a year, then Jian Lan must know. That must be why she’s so unwilling to communicate. She must just be waiting for the inevitable, at this point.

Mu Qing really and truly pities her.

She deserves better.

Feng Xin is right.

“Yeah. I guess I do find it sensible. It doesn’t make you less of an asshole for liking someone else, but I think… it’s sensible. There’s no sense in staying together if you don’t like her this way anymore. It’d fall back on Cuocuo, in the end. He’s still young enough not to remember, so the earlier, the better.”

“That’s what I was thinking,” Feng Xin says.

He deposits the bottle on the table, and grabs his son back from Mu Qing.

To be fair – he doesn’t look happy about any of this. Feng Xin isn’t the type of person to take this lightly. Mu Qing can tell that Feng Xin doesn’t really want to break up with Jian Lan.

He knows it’s the right thing to do, and he’s probably right about it.

“Yeah, if this is the right thing for you to do, then that’s just what it is,” Mu Qing says. He leans back in his chair and looks at Feng Xin’s sorry complexion as he starts feeding Cuocuo.

“I guess it is. Thanks. For your input.”

“Xie Lian will probably tell you the same thing, to be fair,” Mu Qing says, because he’d like to think he knows Xie Lian enough to be able to tell that their opinions won’t differ too much on this.

“We still both live here, too,” Feng Xin suddenly says, “it’s not like Cuocuo will be deprived of either of us. And, to be fair, I’ll move anywhere Jian Lan moves, if it ends up being decided that she should get the kid, or whatever. Just so I’m around. Whatever my own career plans and stuff, I’ll prioritize him- hey, Cuocuo, drink from the bottle. Not my collar. Thank you very much.”

Feng Xin gently redirects his son from the collar of his polo shirt to the bottle.

He looks so gentle and soft taking care of his son. It does get to Mu Qing, in a way. The fact that Feng Xin is so willing to sacrifice everything he needs to sacrifice for him, too.

Mu Qing’s father would never, never have done that. He couldn’t even put basic acceptance above his own prejudices.

Feng Xin would never say the things to Cuocuo that Mu Qing heard when he was younger.

“You’re a weirdly good father,” he says in the end, despite himself.

Feng Xin’s head shoots up, and the pale, defeated look on his face finally shifts into a soft smile.

“Thanks, Mu Qing.”

Once more, Mu Qing chooses to simply ignore the way his own heart stutters at that honest gratitude expressed so openly.

“Whatever. Just make sure Cuocuo turns out somewhat fine.”

“Hm. I’ll try my best.”

Chapter 26: Maths&Cats: 25

Notes:

ok time skip a little for this one out of necessity afjhgjadh uploading this while i suffer the chronic illness horrors i have class in an hour and a 4h train trip today . man. mannn. JKHADFGKJAD life is OUT for me as always huh. the ao3 author curse, it never ceases.

Breaking up with Jian Lan did not work to Feng Xin’s advantage in so, so many ways.

“I can’t come to school today,” Feng Xin says while on the phone with him and Mu Qing at six in the morning, “I didn’t sleep all night because Jian Lan called me again, it’s all a mess still, but I’m trying to get the custody, because she’s still clearly unwell, so we’re going to a lawyer later. Me and mom, that is. Dad’s staying home to take care of Cuocuo.”

Of course.

After talking to Mu Qing – and then Xie Lian – about wanting to break up with the mother of his child, Feng Xin eventually still took a month, just to wait for Jian Lan’s mental state to get a little better. However, it didn’t improve, and so he did the shitty but also reasonable thing of breaking up with her regardless of her mental state. Jian Lan didn’t take it well. Obviously not. Even if she’d expected it, Mu Qing doesn’t blame her, and neither do Xie Lian or Feng Xin, for that matter.

“I’ll come by today,” Xie Lian says, “I’ll go over everything we did with you. Is Jian Lan still…?”

“Yeah. Her parents eventually got me on the phone and said she might get hospitalized, and that they don’t blame me, and that all they’re asking for now is that she gets to see Cuocuo every now and then, which is obviously fine. We’re neighbours anyway, it’s just- all a mess. I just have to get primary custody for now so that if she does get hospitalized, there won’t be any conflicts.”

Again.

God, Mu Qing understands why Jian Lan isn’t doing well, mentally.

“You do that, then,” Mu Qing says, “one of Volleyball’s owners is picking me up after school, his cousins are back in the country again for a bit, so they’ll have cake and stuff and he offered to fetch me. Had an appointment for work here or something, so…”

He’s really glad that he somehow managed to make friends with volleyball’s owners. They’re very nice people, and Mu Qing’s mom already said that given that they're wedding planners, her and Mister Wang might employ them to help with their wedding somewhere down the lane. They want to move in together first, see whether it works, but given they kind of live at each other’s already anyway, that’s probably no issue. Even Mu Qing knows the ins and outs of his maths teacher’s flat by now, too.

“Ah, you go have fun then,” Feng Xin says, “while I tend to my legal affairs.”

“Better than tending to you romantic affairs,” Mu Qing snorts, which his mother – just walking by him in the kitchen to start preparing his food as Mu Qing grabs himself some fruit to cut up for breakfast – throws him a scolding gaze about.

“Fuck you, too,” Feng Xin sighs, “I already said I’m not doing anything about it. I have bigger problems, anyway.”

“Yes, you arguably do,” Xie Lian agrees, “it’s alright. I’ll try to copy notes for you and stuff too. We’ve got a test next week, in literature.”

“Ah, fuck, I haven’t read any of the book.”

“Get an audiobook of it, then,” Mu Qing suggests, but keeps his tone as pissed as somewhat possible.

“Damn. Good idea coming from a prissy little bitch, for once.”

“You’re such an asshole, Feng Xin,” Mu Qing shoots back, as if this isn’t totally on himself.

At least he gave him a good idea, he supposes.

Despite himself, Mu Qing does have to admit one thing – he misses Feng Xin every time he doesn’t make it to school.

 

*

 

Mu Qing is at school relatively early today because Mister Wang slept at theirs and thus drove him there, since it’s relatively close to their old middle school where he obviously still works. In front of the school stands Jian Lan, looking clearly unwell, but dressed for school anyway. He knows she doesn’t seem very keen on high school as a concept at the moment, which, again, man. He understands. Her parents are however insisting on it as much as Feng Xin’s are, and of course she’d go to the same as them, given it’s in town and everything.

Mu Qing does walk over to her, because he doesn’t have any grudges against her. Neither does Jian Lan appear to have any against him.

“Hi,” she mumbles, “have you heard from Feng Xin yet today?”

“Yeah,” Mu Qing confirms. The two of them walk over to one of the benches outside. He stuffs his hands in his pockets. “He’s trying to get custody for now, in case you’re going to get hospitalized.”

“I know,” she mutters, “I’m sorry for having that embarrassing go at him in front of you guys a few weeks ago.”

Yeah. Mu Qing remembers that. He doesn’t blame her.

It’s more than whatever to him.

As long as neither her nor Feng Xin have this affect Cuocuo in any way, it’ll be fine. They did have that screaming match in front of him, he supposes, but he’s still a baby. He won’t remember this. It’s still not good, obviously, but it could have been significantly worse.

“It’s alright. Look, I know I’m… I know Feng Xin always calls me bitchy and I guess sometimes, he’s kind of right, but I’m not that bad, alright? I do get your side of things. If I was Feng Xin’s partner, and we had a child together, and he broke up with me, I’d be damned pissed too. Xie Lian also doesn’t blame you.”

“I know,” she sighs. Her finger taps against her skirt over and over again, clearly nervous. Honestly, Mu Qing sees why she might get hospitalized. She’s not well at all. If medication isn’t helping, and she can’t get therapy any other way right now because every place is full or whatever, then this might be a good thing.

For Cuocuo, too, in the long run. It’s not like Feng Xin couldn’t take him for visits.

“It’s just- knowing he likes someone else isn’t easy, I guess. It’s what’s bugging me the most about this whole thing.”

“Feng Xin said again just this morning he’s not going to act on it.”

“That doesn’t make it better, because it still sort of makes me hope he’d come back to me. And I know that’s not a good thing to think, but I’m just…”

Mu Qing may not have ever been in love, but he does understand this enough.

“Feng Xin wished he could, is the thing,” he sighs in the end, because if Jian Lan is communicating with him instead of Feng Xin, he can at the very least try his best to salvage this situation, still. “It’s not easy for him, either, Jian Lan. But you’ve ought to get help, because you have a son.”

“I know,” she grumbles, “I know custody will go to him anyway. And his parents have more vacation time at work than mine, and Feng Xin’s father already said he could do part-time for a while, until Cuocuo is old enough for kindergarten. So Feng Xin can go to school. I just wished he liked no one, instead.”

“I guess he didn’t choose that, either,” Mu Qing says, very awkwardly placing a hand on Jian Lan’s shoulder. “It’s better he was honest though.”

“I know. And I knew all of this to begin with, so…”

“I figured that’s why you asked me about what it’s like to be a divorce child,” Mu Qing sighs. He retracts his hand again. “Is it someone you know?”

“Yeah. That’s what makes this so shitty, because honestly, I kind of get it. I don’t blame him.”

She looks up at Mu Qing for a second. Like trying to figure out whether he knows, too.

Of course, Mu Qing doesn’t know. Why the fuck would he know, unless Feng Xin told him? Feng Xin probably has a crush on some random person him and Jian Lan know from whatever out-of-school activities they’re involved in. And if it’s someone at school, Feng Xin must be good at hiding it.

…Also, Mu Qing just kind of doesn’t care about who Feng Xin likes, as long as he won’t act on it. Somehow, that satisfies him, in a way. He still has that uncomfortable feeling inside of himself about it, but it could be worse.

This, at any rate, is better than seeing Feng Xin and Jian Lan flirt in the school yard for months on end, back before she got pregnant, and afterwards, still.

“You don’t know who, right?”

“Nah, Feng Xin’s not told anyone. He said his parents know, but that’s all.”

“Hm. I know. I mean, he hasn’t told me, but I’ve got a pretty good guess. I suppose- it’s probably time I let go off the whole thing in some way, I just don’t know how.”

“…Do you have to know how?” Mu Qing asks, “doesn’t it just get better with time?”

Look – he’s trying his best here, but he’s never had his heart broken, so how the hell would he know what Jian Lan feels? And even if he had gotten it broken, there wasn’t any child involved. So, how the fuck is Mu Qing supposed to know how she feels, or how to fix her situation?

“I guess. It just doesn’t feel that way right now. Whatever. I’ll just- have to get some kind of help. Feng Xin can have custody for now. I’ll take him to court again when I’m better, but I hope he just agrees to shared custody at that point, so…”

“He will, don’t worry,” Mu Qing says, because even if Jian Lan doesn’t get better, Feng Xin isn’t going to deprive her of her own son. That’s just not who he is.

“I guess he’s pretty great, huh? That’s probably why I fell in love with him to begin with,” Jian Lan sighs.

She takes a deep breath, then pushes herself off the bench.

“Alright. I’ll go to my classroom, my parents told me to go talk to my friends a little, but I did want to talk to you. You- you’ll take good care of Cuocuo in case I end up in the hospital, right? Just because I don’t trust that oaf of a man with him entirely.”

Against better judgment, Mu Qing laughs. He stands up too.

“Of course, I’m better at changing diapers than Feng Xin, still. He’s made progress, though. Seriously, Cuocuo’s gonna be fine, and your parents are here, too.”

“I’m not going to go to university, so I guess I’ll just end up going to whatever town Feng Xin ends up in for university, huh?” she asks, that sad look on her face. “Well, it’s quite alright. I guess I’ll just have to try my best to get over him, then. Not like there’s anything else I could do.”

Well, that sounds more positive than her mental breakdown a few weeks back, Mu Qing will give her that.

“It’ll be fine. You’re both pretty good parents. Better than my father, anyway.”

“I may not know a lot about him, but the bar seems to be low,” Jian Lan says, only now brushing off the back of her skirt from when she was seated on the bench. “Well, alright, I’ll get going to class then. I know I’ll need to do something about my state, because I’m really not well at the moment, and I know I can’t really keep going like this, so there’s that.”

At least she knows that, too. Maybe things will start looking up again soon enough.

“Alright,” Mu Qing says. “Do have fun in class if you can.”

“Hm. You too.”

She leaves, and Mu Qing just looks after her for a bit. Genuinely, she’s taking this better than others might, he thinks. Especially given how she apparently knows who Feng Xin has a crush on, but isn’t doing anything about that at all. She could very much start throwing hell at the person in question about it. Obviously she wouldn’t be in the right about it, because whatever poor fuck Feng Xin has taken a liking to this time isn’t at fault for that, but it’d be understandable regardless.

Not that it’s any of his concern just who Feng Xin likes, either. He’s not going to try asking again, or else he’ll seem too eager, or like he’s hoping it’s him. Which isn’t the case, because why the fuck would Mu Qing ever want Feng Xin to like him? He’d rather die.

“Ah, Mu Qing, you’re still standing here?”

Xie Lian turns into the school yard suddenly, holding the new school bag he got for high school, a few pins over it, including the tiny trans pin his brother gave him back then, just in an inconspicuous place.

That’s good for him.

Mu Qing wishes to reach that level of confidence, one day.

Then again, Xie Lian is having top surgery some time soon, probably. He’s trying to get it through at the moment, but waiting times being as they are, it might still take a while. Mu Qing is glad he only had to do keyhole surgery, because personally, he wouldn’t want anyone to see any scars. He doesn’t think that’s the case for Xie Lian. If anything, Xie Lian is the type to get a subtle tattoo over the scars one day, at most.

Xie Lian is very non-caring of others’ opinions. That’s a good thing. Mu Qing really and sincerely is jealous of that.

“Hm. I was talking to Jian Lan. She seems a little more sensible about everything now.”

“Ah! That’s good. That way, Feng Xin might not have to spend a fortune on a lawyer.”

The awkward joke does make Mu Qing snort, even if it may not really be something that they should be joking about, given it’s Feng Xin’s misery, at the end of the day.

“Right. Might have to spend a fortune on extra tuition though if we don’t teach him well enough in our free time.”

“Oh, come on, Mu Qing! You know he needs it, and we are his friends! What else should we do? Leave him hanging?”

“Well, I’m not the one that got a girl pregnant, so there’s that.”

“Man, I’m glad this can’t happen to me,” Xie Lian sighs, “not this way around, anyway. But I’m not particularly interested anyway, so…”

“Me neither,” Mu Qing grunts, even if something inside of him tells him that he may be a little bit wrong about that, and that any and all vivid fantasies of romance and the like that he sometimes entertains at night may be proving that the opposite of what he’s said is true, but he’s not going to let that on to Xie Lian.

“Alright, are we getting something from the snack vending machine to survive maths class with a significantly more boring teacher?” Xie Lian asks with a little smile on his face, and Mu Qing gives a short nod. Especially at the last part. He does miss Mister Wang, but he made his last few years at middle school a much better experience than the previous ones, and besides, he pretty much sees him every day anyway.

“Yeah. We should get sandwiches to commemorate Feng Xin’s absence.”

“Pfft- right. I’ll buy another to take to him later,” Xie Lian says, already grabbing his wallet. “Let’s go if we still want to make it on time.”

Chapter 27: Maths&Cats: 26

Notes:

the next chapter is actally the last for the xianle trio arc... completely forgot it's nearly done,,, i AM afraid to report the huaxuan arc is whole 10 chapters shorter but i did warn that the arcs have vastly different lengths HJADFGJKA jsut had the most ideas for mu qing,,,, aka this chapter is already wrapping up, the next is an epilogue sort of thing jkadhfgkjd

“I’m glad you managed to make up again before Jian Lan moves away,” Xie Lian sighs, Guzi on his lap like usual. “It’d be shit if you didn’t get along for this.”

“Hm, it’s not too far away, and I’ll be there next year for university anyway,” Feng Xin sighs, handing Guzi a Peppa Pig plushie, which has apparently become his most prized possession over the past few months. Mu Qing has no words for it. He’s always found the show rather cursed and boring, even for a children’s show.

“So you’ve decided on that one now? What are you gonna study anyway, stupid as you are?” Mu Qing asks.

He leans back into the bean bag Mister Wang got him as a present for his new room once they moved, a little over a year ago. Him and his mother are yet to get married, but they’re slowly entering the planning stages of it. They’ve very much already asked Volleyball’s owners whether they’d do it, and they’ve already agreed, so they’ve just been saving up to be able to pay both for the wedding, and the wedding planners. They’ll also be invited to it, Mu Qing’s mother has decided, and if one of their family members who live out of the country are here then, they’re also allowed to come.

Mu Qing agrees with that sentiment. Their family members are nice, anyway.

Volleyball is still going strong, too, even though she’s a good few years older now.

“Education,” Feng Xin blurts out, “well, Education Science, to be specific. For younger children. I think I’d do well as a kindergarten teacher, or anything adjacent. But I guess studying it at university would keep my options a little more open, and my parents want me to go to uni anyway. Also, I’ll be with Cuocuo then, so…”

“You think he’s having a good time checking out Jian Lan’s new flat?” Xie Lian laughs, and Mu Qing can only imagine he is. He’s learned to walk now, being two years old and all. Just another few months, and he’ll be turning three, and they’ll all be at university. Finals are coming up, and they’ll have to apply soon.

“Certainly,” Feng Xin sighs, “glad to have him off my hands for a day. Love him and all, but goddamn, he’s got energy.”

“I wanna meet him,” Guzi complains from Xie Lian’s lap, “I’ve never seen him, and we live in the same town. And you guys are all friends. He could be my friend. Even if he’s younger, I guess.”

True enough. It’s bizarre – fate seems to be against these two, somehow. To be fair, Qi Rong keeps moving from place to place because he keeps getting kicked from all of his jobs relatively fast. Who knows why they’re employing him in the first place, anyway? Just how good of an impression does he make at job interviews for him to get accepted over and over again? He must be pulling the pity card of having a son and needing the money. As if Xie Lian’s family isn’t trying their hardest to support him regardless of it all.

“You will one day, I’m sure,” Feng Xin laughs. “Anyway, where are you two going? Same university, I’d hope.”

“Ah. Yes,” Xie Lian says, “their philosophy program seems pretty great, I’ve never heard anything negative, and it’s close. Besides, Jun Wu’s there anyway, so… feels like it’d be the most sensible thing for me to go there, right? I can always do my Masters somewhere else, if I choose to. Mu Qing?”

“…I wanna stay close to my mom,” Mu Qing sighs, “and that’s closest. So I guess I’ll have to deal with you again.”

“Hey!” Feng Xin shouts, throwing his arms up. Guzi laughs at their squabbling, like he usually does. “We could move together. Minimize the living costs a little. Xie Lian, you wanna move in with us?”

Xie Lian’s smile is very, very polite. Mu Qing can see past it. It is not a smile of assent.

“Thank you, no.”

The ‘I’d rather die than live with you two in one single flat’ is heavily implied in his voice, though. And you know what? Mu Qing can’t blame him, and somehow, he doesn’t actually hate the thought of living with Feng Xi, somehow. He’s not sure he’ll get that scholarship, after all. Having Feng Xin in his flat will be annoying, but it’ll cut down the cost of living. Besides, he at least knows him. And he knows what Mu Qing looks like naked. Okay, he doesn’t, but he knows the theoretics of it at least. Others don’t, and Mu Qing isn’t sure he’d enjoy living in constant anxiety with a stranger whose opinions on these things he doesn’t know.

What if he gets into a flat with some bigoted business student? Mu Qing would rather die. Dying and living with Feng Xin are things that are equally bad, but it’s better than a bigoted business student. So.

“Fine, fine, just me and Mu Qing then.”

Feng Xin is quiet for a bit, then looks at the guy in question.

“Mu Qing? You’ve not started screaming yet. Wanna move in together?”

Despite himself, Mu Qing can feel his cheeks starting to flush a bit. So what if he kind of does want to? Feng Xin has grown up to become relatively respectable. Sure, he’s a mess, but Mu Qing is used to tidying up and cleaning anyway. There’s worse in the world, and he knows that Feng Xin is still going to make an effort to help, at least. He’s probably going to forget and mess it up, but it could arguably be worse all around. So, truly, who cares?

“We can,” he sighs in the end, even if it takes everything inside of him to say this normally. “We’ll need a cleaning plan. I need to know when people are coming over. This includes Cuocuo. But if we both get accepted, we might as well.”

“Wait,” Feng Xin stutters, “are you serious? And Xie Lian?”

“I’ll just apply for whatever flat, really! I like meeting new people. I theoretically have the money to rent any apartment ever, if I can’t stand the roommate I get, but I kinda want the experience of it. Jun Wu’s partly responsible for the rooming now, which means if we all get in, I can tell him to take care of you two getting a flat together. It’s a great idea for you two to move in together, though! I think that’d make a lot of sense. Mu Qing also knows Cuocuo, so he can take care of him here and there, if needed.”

That’s true. And he’s been taking care of him for two years now already, anyway. Feng Xin does need the help, just in case. Cuocuo is two, he’s sick a lot, and when he starts kindergarten in the city Jian Lan is going to move into – which means they’ll all be seeing him a little less, sadly – he’s probably going to get sick even more often. Feng Xin’s and Mu Qing’s schedules will obviously differ, studying different things and all. It’ll make sense.

“Mu Qing, you still think you’re going to study maths? I’d rather kill myself,” Feng Xin says. Mu Qing steps on his foot for the last comment. Even if they’re older now, and no… other incidents have occurred with Xie Lian, that topic is still a tiny bit sensitive.

“I will,” he grunts. “I don’t know what I’ll do with it. Maybe teaching. I’ll see about it.”

He thinks he could be a quite good teacher, to be fair. He thinks he could pull that off. He just can’t ever say that to his mother or Mister Wang, not openly at least, not until he’s fully decided on that after his studies and can thus go into whatever training will be needed. They’d never let him live it down, and he just knows that they would know exactly why he chose that career path.

(Because of a certain maths teacher he had in middle school. Yes, yes, Mu Qing knows it’s cringy and embarrassing and all of that, but what can he say? He’d like to be to students what Mister Wang was to all of them. And if that’s cringe, he’ll take it. He wants to make sure that other kids like him get something of a safe space. Besides, maths teachers are needed, okay? He’ll easily find a job if he wants to. Probably even without teacher training. He’ll obviously get teacher training, though.)

“Of course. Teaching,” Xie Lian says, with one of these smiles again. He also knows. Mu Qing can feel the mockery radiating off him. Seriously, how do people keep thinking that Xie Lian is nothing but a nice person? He doesn’t even gossip with them very often, but when he does – oh boy. Oh boy does he gossip.

“Of course,” Feng Xin echoes, “teaching.”

“Oh shut up, you guys.”

“’Shut up’ is a bad word, Dad said,” Guzi says, which raises eyebrows from all three of them.

“Qi Rong told you something is a bad word? Miracles happen,” Xie Lian says, but Guzi destroys it the next second.

“Uh-huh! He said that’s why I should use it more often! I’m not sure about that, though. Lianlian, you always say I shouldn’t. I think you’re a better person than dad. So!”

Just about barely, Mu Qing staves off a laugh. Ah, kids. The older he gets, the more he does consider finding a partner and having kids. Or adopting by himself. Who’s to say he can’t? If it’s an older child, it might be easier, given how that would require a little less time and he could thus keep up a job and stuff. It’s a worth a thought, at one point.

And who knows? Maybe he will find someone. At one point.

Against his will, his gaze sweeps up towards Feng Xin for a little, but he discards the thought again. Nope. Not Feng Xin. They’re moving in together platonically, and Mu Qing shouldn’t have to justify that to himself. Neither to anyone else. Luckily, no one has ever brought up the possibility.

(He feels like someone bringing up the possibility would be where his downfall comes in, if he’s honest. Again – Mu Qing would rather die than admit such a thing. And this time, dying is the option that’s worse out of dying and moving together with Feng Xin.)

“Yes. You should listen to me, not to him,” Xie Lian says.

“Do you think he’ll be out of prison soon?”

“Hm. I’m sure,” Xie Lian answers, which gets Guzi to give him a little smile.

Because ah, yes – Qi Rong burnt down their high school. At one point last year. Well. Some of the building was still salvageable, but they did receive lessons in those containers designed for cases of schools burning down for quite a while. It took a bit for Qi Rong to get into prison, and effectively, he’s only been gone for two weeks, really. Xie Lian said that Jun Wu was trying his hardest to bail him out, somehow. Mu Qing doesn’t know how that is going to work, but maybe it will. He kind of hopes it won’t. Guzi would be safer with Xie Lian and his parents than with… Qi Rong.

Frankly, even that sketchy orphanage he came from would be better than Qi Rong. On the other side, though, Guzi is still just as attached to Qi Rong’s hip as before, so maybe this is to absolutely no use at all.

“Right. At least neither Jian Lan nor I are in prison,” Feng Xin sighs, burying his face in his hands for a bit. It was a lot for him, in the past few years. Waiting until Jian Lan got better, and then having to wait for them to find a lawyer each, to get her custody back again, to the extent they both wanted that. Since Feng Xin was on board, and in fact heavily supportive of the idea, it all went fine, but it was still stressful.

“Good for you,” Mu Qing says with a roll of his eyes, “either way, I gotta leave. I have to catch the bus, and I have to actually study, so I guess I’ll be doing that on the bus.”

They had originally met up to study, but then Xie Lian got Guzi, and studying with a child in the room is near-impossible.

“Uh-huh,” Guzi says, “I’ll be in school soon!”

“You’ll do fine,” Mu Qing laughs, reaching over to ruffle his hair once. He packs his stuff, and Xie Lian and Feng Xin say their goodbyes to him, once they’ve packed up their things too, and gotten Guzi all dressed up to walk back to Xie Lian’s. Mu Qing does rearrange his beanbag before they leave, and grabs his keys.

Mister Wang is going to pick him back up at Volleyball’s owners’ later, at least, but he has to go there by bus. He did promise them he’d cook dinner for them this time, to pay them back. They’ve been getting in a lot of work recently, so he thinks that’s probably going to do them some good.

Xie Lian and Feng Xin walk him to the bus station, and wait until the bus has left with Mu Qing in it.

He sees them through the window in the back, also parting ways.

Then, a few seconds later, his phone vibrates in his pocket, and he instantly lets out a little groan at seeing Feng Xin’s name pop up on it. Before he does anything, he sits down properly. He’s going to be a while to their house.

(He also feels like one day, he might be able to come out properly, to these two. He did tell them he’s gay, given they’re also gay. Mu Qing would quite like them knowing everything, though. Not yet. He can’t yet tell anyone that isn’t Feng Xin, his mom, or his new father. But he’s on the way.)

He purposefully waits a few minutes until actually clicking on the message.

‘So, we actually moving in together??? I was serious about it, ‘cause, let’s. I don’t wanna pay for a whole fucking flat mu qing’

Lovely.

‘not like u could housekeep all by urself anyway. Can’t exactly let cuocuo live in filth,’ he responds, and then puts his phone away to close his eyes. That’s as much of a ‘yes’ as Feng Xin is going to get from him.

And if Mu Qing is smiling a little at the thought of moving in together with Feng Xin, then that’s between him and the other two passengers on this bus that he’s never seen before in his entire life.

These days, he’s a lot more convinced that things are going to be fine.

Chapter 28: Maths&Cats: 27

Notes:

sorry this is a day late - i'm goign through the horros, but even more than usual ("that's possible?" u may ask. "apparently so," i answer.) I'm talking, god. friend going through it, mental health issues getting triggered massively, being lied about on the internet about highly personal information with my name on the posts, mY MF LAPTOP BRAKING FOR FUCKIGN GOOD. yk how i'm using it rn? in a specific position that its been in all day becasue otherwise it stops cahrging. its battery life at this point is like an hour so aka it HAS TO CHARGE but the CAHRGING POD IS MF DONE FOR ATP i thought it was the cable. i replaced the cable and it worked for like two weeks. ahem. now when it STOPS charging i have to rearrange it for like 15 mins or sth to find THAT spot again. well in its defense, this thign IS 8 years old. i can't even rlly blame it. new laptop has been ordered (.wih my brothers money bacuse OH YEAH. I STILL DONT HAVE MY STUDENT LOAN 4 MONTHS AFTER THE APPLICATION AND THEY WONT PICK UP THE DAMNED PHONE) picking it up on friday. good god this has beeen a WEEK. so ahem. sorry. this is a day late. ik. i'm sorry. HKKJADFG i would offer to upload the next on friday instead of saturday but i'll have to set up my new laptop after being out like 9:30 to 5pm and having to write an entire mf essay aftear coming home once i have set up the laptop so uuuh yeah. no. next saturday. 5 day tact again from here on out. sorry JHDFGKJ ao3 author curse has been out to get me for ages now. maybe i need to stop posting for a week, see what it does to my life /j

OK AHEM APART FROM AUTHOR'S HORRORS AKDJFHK this is the epilogue to the xianle arc. the huaxuan arc is completely finished writing already, startingt he shi sibs + pei ming arc presuuuumably next week, writign wise. idk i have a long oneshot to get out and a comm for next week/in two weeks/whenver i manage to get myself to check dms because oh my god . th horrors. so this is a third thorugh - writing wise, two thirds though :)

“Dad!”

Mu Qing barely manages to catch Cuocuo in between turning around and dropping the broom he was holding. He’s still not sure he’s entirely used to Cuocuo calling him ‘dad’ too, but he doesn’t really mind it. Anything but, to be honest. It makes him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

He does manage to catch Cuocuo, though, in the end. He runs towards him at the highest speed a three-year-old can muster, and jumps right back up into Mu Qing’s arms. He’s not yet heavy enough for Mu Qing to be unable to hold him, but he’s certainly growing heavier slowly but surely.

“Where’ve you been? Did your shitty father buy the shower curtain like I told him to?”

“Uh-huh!” Cuocuo affirms, already about to bite into Mu Qing’s cheek, but he just about fends him off.

“No biting,” he reminds him, and gets his finger bitten instead of his cheek. Well. Cheek would’ve been worse, on account of young-child-spit alone.

“I’ve got the fucking curtain,” Feng Xin says, “this okay?”

He shoves the package with it into Mu Qing’s (and by extension Cuocuo’s) face. It’s grey with some blue accents on it.

“Yeah. Can’t believe you got something fine for once without me giving you instructions.”

“Shut up. I know your tastes by now, Mu Qing. We’ve known each other for so long.”

Indeed they have. It feels insane.

“Have you seen the neighbour yet?” Feng Xin asks, and Mu Qing just shakes his head.

“Nah. Just heard them rummaging around, I guess. We’ve got the bigger part of the house, so I think they’ll likely be living on their own. Whoever it is.”

“Let’s just hope they’re nice,” Feng Xin says, discarding his shoes messily in the door of their new flat.

“…You can get rid of this habit immediately. If we’re to live together, you’re not going to leave your shoes like this, Feng Xin.”

“Eurgh, sure, mom.”

“I’m not your mother!” Mu Qing shouts, which makes Cuocuo on his arm snicker.

“Mom!” he says, and Mu Qing instantly headbutts him. Lightly, of course. Cuocuo only laughs at that.

“Do not,” he warns, “start calling me that. No Peppa Pig for you if you call me that again.”

“No! I have to watch Peppa pig!”

“There you go then,” Mu Qing says, and sets him back down.

“Alright. I did finish sweeping both of our rooms, so I deserve a break. You take care of the shower curtain and cleaning the bathroom once. I’ll sweep it when you're done. Kitchen is done already, so I can clean the floor properly after that.”

“Alright, boss,” Feng Xin says, and gets to work almost immediately. He takes Cuocuo with him, who’s instructed to try his best at opening the shower curtain’s package. That’ll keep him occupied, because the plastic seemed rather sturdy to Mu Qing. He hopes they’ll get it open at all, because he’s not sure they even have scissors here. Well, they’ve got knives. They’ll do, if necessary.

His phone rings as soon as he sits down, and Mu Qing lets out a tiny groan.

“Yes, Xie Lian?” he asks, and gets an awkward laugh in response.

“Haha… I went to go shopping after I’d arrived, because I figured it’d make more sense to have some food in the house before I start unpacking, because I kind of forgot to take anything. I’ve gotten lost. I fell asleep on the bus and now I’m in some town I’ve never even heard of! What an adventure!”

Of course. In his mind, Mu Qing makes another entry on the long list of things that would truly only ever happen to Xie Lian. Who the hell gets lost in their university town on the very first day, when you’re doing nothing but unpacking? He’s going to go insane.

“Use any navigation app ever, and get back here,” he says, but Xie Lian just shrugs.

“Eh, I’m staying! It’s quite nice here! I’m in front of a cinema, and I’ve found a nice little café. I’ve already called Jun Wu, and he says he’s going to come pick me up later and drive me back, but he’s still busy with student housing services work. Busiest day of the term and all! I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine! Just wanted to let you know, in case you show up at mine at any point and I’m not there.”

“…We’re busy enough here,” Mu Qing says, “we’re almost done, though. With any repairs needed around the flat, at least. Then we can actually unpack our suitcases, and go shopping, but getting the first clean done is good progress.”

“True!” Xie Lian says, “woah, I wonder if my new roommate’s there yet. I hope they’re nice and that we get along!”

Xie Lian is practically impossible to not get along with, so Mu Qing is sure of it. Concerned over nothing, that guy. Not even over a possibly transphobic roommate, like Mu Qing was before him and Feng Xin got the ‘ok’ from Jun Wu for getting into the same flat. He’ll just have to hope their neighbour is nice, now. He doesn’t even know whether it’s a woman or a man, because he hasn’t heard any kind of voice either.

“Just… Xie Lian?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t get on any other buses. Just wait for your brother.”

“Haha… you’re right. Good point. Alright, well! Now you know where I am!”

He hasn’t said the name of the town, so Mu Qing does not at all know where he is, actually.

“That’s all! I won’t keep you! You must be so busy. Let’s meet one of these days, though, once we’ve settled in. Ah, I have a meeting with the new philosophy students the day after tomorrow, so not then, but…”

“Hm, we’ll make time,” Mu Qing says. A loud sound from the bathroom. “…I think I’ve ought to go back to Feng Xin.”

“Yep, yep, have fun!”

They hang up, and Mu Qing, who had barely even sat down, makes his way over to the small bathroom to go see what the hell happened.

He sees the mirror having slid into the sink. It’s not broken, so no bad luck for the household, but it certainly has left whatever frame it was previously in.

“Oh dear,” he says, “we got any strong glue? What’s even broken?”

“No worries,” Feng Xin says. He looks weirdly proud of himself. “I’ve brought a lot of stuff for cases like this, I’ll get it back up on the wall no issue. Just take it out for now, Cuocuo and me are taking care of the curtain still, and also it’s too cramped in here with you.”

That much is true. This bathroom is not made for more than one person at the time. It doesn’t even have a window. Mu Qing can only hope the vent works.

…At the very least, Cuocuo is toilet-trained now. Sure, he has accidents from time to time, but he’s not going to pee or poop anywhere he’s not meant to. As long as it’s in the bathroom, everything is fine by Mu Qing.

“Jian Lan’s gonna pick him up later, by the way.”

Good, Mu Qing thinks, because as much as he loves Cuocuo, they are trying to move in, and a three-year-old hopping around is actively making this a lot more difficult than need be.

He steps back out again, instead aiming to get some rest now. However, Mu Qing’s workaholic mindset takes over, and a few minutes later, he finds himself already wiping the floor with some general cleaning product he’s brought, and opening all windows he comes across so it won’t take as long to dry. He can rest tonight and just get in a good sleep, he guesses.

As much of a good sleep as you can have with the biggest ADHD haver known to man next door, who’s casually pulling all nighters and sleeping in the middle of the day. Mu Qing has a feeling that university with its classes at fuck knows what times is not going to fix that habit of Feng Xin’s.

When Mu Qing has reached the bathroom, Feng Xin is just done cleaning the toilet – as soon as he manages to get over his procrastination and do his job, he does it well, at least – so Mu Qing sweeps in with the mop right after to take care of the bathroom floor also.

After that, they’re done, and they decide they’re done with work for now. Honestly, unpacking everything isn’t going to take very long, and clothes and the like they can still take care of tomorrow.

So, they settle down around the kitchen table instead, and throw some instant cocoa into the lukewarm milk (lactose free, since Cuocuo is turning out to have every allergy known to man) – it’s still somewhat warm outside, and they haven’t put it into the fridge yet, since it was unopened.

“It’s a pretty good flat, though,” Feng Xins says, sipping on some of his cocoa. His words are also accompanied by Cuocuo very noisily slurping it. Feng Xin has tried multiple times to make him drink a little more normally, but it’s a lost cause. Probably too young to be controlling the eating and drinking noises he makes, Mu Qing guesses.

Besides – kids are gross. That’s no news.

“True enough,” he says, “the rooms are pretty big each. Cuocuo’s just gonna sleep in your bed though, right? Or are you getting him his own?”

“He’ll mostly be at Jian Lan’s because of kindergarten during the week, anyway, so my bed will do. It’s not the biggest I guess, but we’ll make do.”

“We will!” Cuocuo announces very proudly, “I’m small! I’ll fit anywhere!”

Both Mu Qing and Feng Xin just kind of grin at each other a bit at his proclamation, but true enough. He does fit anywhere. For now, at least.

Maybe especially because Cuocuo calls Mu Qing ‘dad’ more often than not, the thought of him growing up kind of really scares him.

Like, what do you mean, in ten years he’s going to be a teenager, and in fifteen, a legal adult? Mu Qing doesn’t like that thought at all. He knows that’s still a decade, and then a decade and a half away, but the thought scares him anyway. It feels like it was only yesterday that Feng Xin called him and Xie Lian over to tell them that Jian Lan is pregnant, and then some time later that she’d keep the child.

Now, Cuocuo is three. Almost in kindergarten. He’ll be at school in the same amount of time it took from his birth until now.

At least, Feng Xin hasn’t gotten another partner in that time. Mu Qing’s pretty sure he’s slept with others, given he’s gone to parties and stuff, but that’s none of his concern.

Or that’s what he tells himself, anyway, but the small pang in his chest at the thought remains. Mu Qing tries his best to ignore it, just like he has for the past few years. Pretty much since he’s known Feng Xin, and especially since Jian Lan.

To this day, Mu Qing wonders who Feng Xin broke up with Jian Lan for. Feng Xin never said. He never found out. He once even asked Jian Lan, but she just smiled and then laughed and said that it’s probably no one’s concern but Feng Xin’s at this point, which holds true enough.

Mu Qing has a feeling that digging any deeper than that would make it look like he was…

Which he isn’t.

Why the fuck would he be?

To distract himself from these thoughts, he instead takes his phone back out from his call with Xie Lian to snap a small picture of the cups of lukewarm cocoa to send to their family group chat, so his mom and his former maths teacher know he’s fine, which he really and truly is now.

Mostly, anyway.

He doesn’t think too much about his body, anymore. He doesn’t mind it much, not anymore. Things stopped mattering, at one point after Feng Xin had accepted him. He might still not have told anyone else; but he doesn’t feel the need to. He’s… almost content like this.

Whatever happens, happens. Mu Qing finds that it’s easier now that he’s older, and even if he certainly doesn’t like himself, hate feels like a strong word now, also.

He gets a thumbs-up from Mister Wang, and a message from his mother to please enjoy his last few quiet days before university starts.

True enough.

“It’s good cocoa for how disgusting slightly warm milk is,” Feng Xin says, “doesn’t beat your actual hot chocolate, though. Make that tomorrow.”

“I’m not your housewife,” Mu Qing grumbles, but he knows he’s going to do it anyway.

Cuocuo starts chanting about how he should make it, and latest now, Mu Qing would agree, because oh, everything for the child.

You’d think he’s quite spoilt – but Jian Land and Feng Xin are surprisingly good at parenting, actually. Cuocuo is growing up well, for the fact his parents aren’t that much older than him at all.

A little smile appears on his face despite himself, and he finally takes his own cup into his hand and starts drinking.

It’s quite good indeed.

Mu Qing thinks that it’s just as good as the flat, and perhaps even as good as his flatmate.

He’ll be fine, even without his mom and beloved teacher or father or whatever he is to him.

He thinks he can make this place and these people his home, too.

Notes:

i'm also ngl fengqing's flat (and beefleaf's flat as a mirrored, one-room version of it) i'v always pictrues as mine except they have an actual kitchen and space for a table with chairs (albeit no storage room) instead of. looks outside of my room. the kitchen in teh hallway----

Chapter 29: Art&Dogs: Chapter 1

Notes:

Okay. hi. i got my new laptop with the correct keyboard, life is good again JKHADFGAJK

ok ahemmm let's get this part of the fic going!!

tw in this chapter for mentions of child abuse-

Hua Cheng still goes by the name of ‘Hong’, because that’s what his friends call him, even when he knows that’s not technically his name. The two women that are adopting him call him by a multitude of names, now that they’re getting to know each other. Anything ranging from ‘Hong’ to ‘Hua Cheng’ to ‘San Lang’ because they found out he was the third son, and they want to give him the affection his actual parents aren’t giving him.

He knows they mean well. They’re good people. He thought that anything would be better than his current parents, but he figured that someone would just be adopting him so he could help around the house. Just maybe with a little less screaming and crying. Maybe with a little less violence.

But these two don’t at all seem like they’re going to make him do any work at all. He’s asked already, and they said he can help around the house if he wants to, and they can teach him how to cook and cut vegetables (he hates vegetables). They said that he’ll have his own room, and they’ll take him to the stores to go decorate it however he wants, and that once he’s older, he could get a pet. If he’s ready for that responsibility.

The prospect of having parents that actually care is still insane to him.

He keeps trying to find flaws in their smiles and laughter, but there are none. Tries to spot the cracks that will inevitably reveal ulterior motives, but there are none. And, as shitty as he found that dentist visit the other day, he knows it was good that he went. It means someone cares about him. And so, he couldn’t hate any of the awful sounds the machines were making, like high-pitched mosquitoes but somehow worse. He couldn’t hate that doctor’s office smell or the way he didn’t even get a piece of candy either.

He did cry, though.

Not because it hurt.

He’s long past crying about things just because they hurt.

It’s weird to him, though – the prospect that someone might actually like him. When he timidly asked them to please visit one of his friends again before they leave for good, even though he’s already said goodbye to them yesterday, they only look at each other and let him.

The truth is that Hong wants to see just Xie Lian. He loves Shi Qingxuan too. She’s done a lot for him, and she does feel more like a big sister to him than his older siblings ever did, but Xie Lian is… different.

When they pull up to his house, Hong timidly undoes the seatbelt from where he’s sitting in the back of the car, that plushie they’ve gifted him when they first met still firmly stuck under his arm. He doesn’t want to let go of it. It’s a white ferret, and it looks a little scuffed, but it’s big and it’s the biggest toy Hong has ever owned, actually. Not that he’s had a lot of toys. Only really the ones Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan gifted him.

In the end, though, he puts it down, because he thinks it’d probably look childish if he took it with him. He’s in primary school now, and he can read and write (theoretically, for the latter, at least). Taking a plushie everywhere he goes is not age-appropriate.

One of his new moms opens the door for him, and he jumps out of the car.

“A-Xiang is staying in the car, but I’ll take you there, alright? If you want, I can also go back to the car,” she says, reaching her hand out for Hong to take, which he does. He’s scared, anyway.

Mostly because he’s leaving.

They make their way over to the door, and ring the bell. The one to open it is Xie Lian’s older brother, whom Hong really doesn’t like. He’s mean and awful like his parents.

“…You’re here to see Xie Lian. Xie Lian?”

At least he’s doing his job, Hong thinks, which means that Xie Lian is home and hasn’t yet gone out anywhere. That’s good. Just one last time. Hong just wants to see him one last time. Just in case.

He’s given Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan his new contact information (self-written), but he’s overheard his new moms saying that it’s hard for kids to keep contact like that, but they’re not allowing him a phone yet, and neither are Shi Qingxuan and Xie Lian allowed to have one. So, letters will have to do.

Jun Wu goes to fetch Xie Lian for him, and Hong waits impatiently as he hears the footsteps of another child resound from the hallway. They’re not nearly as loud as Jun Wu’s, since he’s a lot younger. Older than Hong, though.

“Hong! What are you doing here? Are you not off yet?” he asks, and Hong awkwardly looks at his new mom, who gives a small laughs and nods.

“Alright. We’ll wait back at the car. We do have to be punctual for checking into the roadside hotel tonight, though, so don’t take all too long, okay?”

“Yes,” Hong says, maybe sounding a bit overeager, but it’s probably fine. It doesn’t seem like his new parents mind him being overeager.

She reaches down to ruffle his hair for a bit, and then turns towards the car again, while Hong takes a deep breath before looking at Xie Lian again.

“…I’ve still got something for you,” he mumbles out, his heart starting to beat all wildly in his chest. Until he feels out of breath, even. It’s like he’s going to die, both if he does do this, and if he doesn’t.

“Oh?” Xie Lian stutters, “Hong, please, that’s very nice, but you really…”

“No! I want to give it to you!” he says, scrambling to reach into his pocket for the item he’s been keeping safe in it since his dentist visit.

They didn’t let him get a piece of candy like the other doctors he went to with his new mothers, but instead they had small toys, and some small pieces of jewelry. The dentist looked at him weirdly for choosing the jewelry because he’s a boy and boys don’t usually like that, but Hong grew up around Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan of all people, so he doesn’t really care.

He chose a small red ring that he knows will fit Xie Lian, because it’s a little bit too big on himself. He knows it probably won’t last long, but if it allows him to stay in Xie Lian’s memory for just a little while longer…

He also reaches into his other pocket which holds the small, freshly plucked daisy he got earlier in the morning, outside of the flat him and his mothers were staying in for the week. Just to make sure he really wants to be with them, but they’re good people.

Their food tastes good.

They already bought him new clothes that he’s wearing right now. They’re clean. They allowed him to bathe for however long he wanted, until the water got cold and his teeth were chattering.

After that, all they’d done was wrap him up in a warm and fluff towel, dried his hair for him even when he said he could do it himself, and then let him watch TV.

He’s only ever watched TV when he’s sneaked into Shi Qingxuan’s house with her, or Xie Lian’s.

“Okay,” Xie Lian says, “it’s… what is it?”

Proud and embarrassed in equal measures, Hong holds out the ring and flower towards Xie Lian with both of his hands.

He’s seen people in the few movies he’s watched gift flowers and rings, so surely Xie Lian will know what this means, right? Surely he will get the message?

Unable to see the reaction, he keeps his eyes firmly shut as he waits.

In the end, he feels Xie Lian’s fingers before anything else, timidly grabbing both of the items from him, and smiling all brightly when he does open his eyes back up.

“Thank you. I really like daisies.”

“That’s…” Hong stutters, “g-good.”

He doesn’t like how weak his voice becomes whenever he talks to Xie Lian, but he can’t help himself. Awkwardly, he runs his hand through his hair once – still on the long side, since he told his mothers he wants to let it grow – and glances up at Xie Lian shyly.

That smile remains, but he can tell it’s also sad. There are tears in Xie Lian’s eyes, just like yesterday.

“Thank you. I mean it. These are both very nice presents. I don’t- have anything else for you. Only the drawing me and Shi Qingxuan made, but- I’ll write you! We’ll stay in contact, Hong, okay? I’ll miss you. So much.”

And then, in a quick swoop, Xie Lian first places the red ring and the daisy on the small table in their entrance hall, and then leaned in to hug Hong right then and there.

If Hong is weak to anything Xie Lian, and already his laughter and his tears and everything else really gets to him, his hugs are absolutely out of this world.

Hong gets all stiff and nervous in his arms, not moving a single bit for at least a few seconds while Xie Lian pulls him closer. Only after a relatively long while does he allow himself to hug him back, placing his hands on Xie Lian’s back and grabbing at his shirt.

“I’ll really miss you, Hong,” Xie Lian mumbles, swaying a little bit. Hong holds him as much as he somewhat can. He knows this will be the last time for a long, long while.

“I’ll- miss you too,” he mutters into Xie Lian’s shoulder, “a lot. I’ll miss you a lot.”

“I’m glad. It means you like me enough to miss me,” Xie Lian chuckles, and then lets go off him.

He steps back, and so does Hong, the doorstep suddenly in between them, looking like some big hurdle that they’re both unable to overcome from here on out, even if they’re so close.
Hong gulps hard, his fingers trembling when he cramps them up into the sides of his new jeans.

“You should go,” Xie Lian says, “I’ll remember you. Always, okay? I promise. I’ll always be here, Hong. I’ll always wait.”

“Yes,” Hong says, barely suppressing the tears shooting into his own eyes. He doesn’t want to look all weak and childish in front of Xie Lian anymore. The next time they meet, he wants to somehow be able to meet him at eye-level. Not completely, probably. After all, Xie Lian is way too good for him, and always has been. But he wants to be close to him in one way or another.

Closer. Something like a partner. More of a friend than a weak little brother that needs protecting.

He'd really like to be able to protect Xie Lian back.

“Go, then,” Xie Lian says, but his voice also sounds all choked up. “C’mon. They’re your new family. Don’t keep them waiting.”

Hong nods, sniffs, and rubs his sleeve over his eyes once. Then, unable to help himself, he goes in for just one more hug.

He makes it quick. Just pressing Xie Lian into him, feeling him once more against himself, and letting go before Xie Lian so much as gets the chance to requite the hug. He knows he’s rapidly starting to cry against all better judgment and his biggest efforts not to, so he turns around.

He can’t prolong this for longer. He knows it’s not good if he does, that it’s just going to hurt more.

“Goodbye,” he croaks out, starting to feel his own body shake with sobs. “I’ll- see you again.”

“Hm. See you again. Goodbye, and, ah! Good luck on the drive. Write me about everything you see!”

Hong nods, hoping Xie Lian can see it even with his back turned to him, and then runs back towards the car.

His moms are still waiting, and one of them is still outside. When she sees him crying, she immediately ushers him into the car, probably understanding that this is going to hurt more if they take longer. She sits down in the back with him this time.

“A-Xiang, we can leave. It’s alright. Quicker is better.”

Hong nods, strapping the seatbelt over himself and clicking it into the red thing next to him. His new mother is seated in the middle right next to him, her thighs touching his, and she puts an arm over his shoulder with a sympathetic little sigh.

“It’ll be alright, Hong,” she mutters, even leaning down to kiss his hair.

Too nice.

Hong isn’t used to people being nice to him, and certainly not a parental figure. His mom was nice, once. He still remembers her being nice. That was before she got sick. In the end, she wasn’t nice anymore. His father was never nice. Not to him, not to his mom.

He doesn’t know how long he hasn’t received a kiss to his hair, so that just makes him cry even harder.

“I’m sure you’ll never forget each other,” she whispers, and then just holds him as the car starts up and they pull out of the driveway. He clings to her like he would usually cling to Xie Lian or Shi Qingxuan, but he knows that they won’t be in his new life, in the future.

From now on, his new moms are everything he has. He’s not sure he can ever find friends again that aren’t Xie Lian or Shi Qingxuan, and if he does, then doesn’t that mean he’ll be going behind their backs, in a way?

He’s not sure.

Shi Qingxuan said that she hopes he finds a lot of new friends in his new home, after all.

“You’ll be fine,” she says, “we’re going to have lunch at a roadside restaurant, too, by the way. You’ve ever been to one?”

“N-no,” he makes, struggling out of her grasp to wipe away his tears, but before he can, she’s already grabbed a tissue, and is doing it for him.

Too soft.

He’s really not used to it, and he doesn’t know how he feels about this. The niceties. He’s so not used to them.

Well – he has all the time to get used to them now.

“You’ll be allowed to get whatever you want,” she says, “you can order whatever. Ah- just no sugary drinks, for your teeth. Dentist’s instructions. Other than that, you’re free to get whatever, okay?”

“Yes,” he mutters, her fingers still wiping away at his face.

“It’ll be alright, Hong. We’ll make sure you’re alright.”

Hong hopes so, really and sincerely. He wants to be alright the next time he sees Xie Lian. He wants to be less of a crybaby.

He sinks back into the car seat as they get on the road that leads out of town, and after another few minutes, his tears do begin to still.

They’re right, he thinks. He’ll see Xie Lian again, and he’ll be alright, if he has parents as good as them, now.

He just wonders whether Xie Lian knows what his ‘new family’ means – does he know Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan were his old family? Does he know he sees him as family? Not in the way a little brother sees a big brother? Were the ring and the flower enough to convey that much?

Hong looks out of the window as they pull out of town, his hands finally unclenching as fields and trees and the blue sky stretch out in front of him.

He’s promised Xie Lian to take in all these sights, and so he will.

He’s promised Xie Lian he’d meet him again, and so, he will.

Chapter 30: Art&Dogs: Chapter 2

Notes:

hiii i'm on time and semi-sane for once!!! i'll prob jinx it now but---

anyway!! here's the new chap!!

Hong likes his new room a lot. It’s not the biggest, but it’s pretty spacious, and he got to decorate it however he wanted, so now he’s got a bunch of posters hung up, more plushies than he’s ever seen in one room (minus Shi Qingxuan's), and even a desk to do his school work at. His walls are partly red, partly white, because he said he quite likes red back when his new parents asked him what colour he wanted his new room to be.

Truth be told, Hong didn’t even like red that much until Xie Lian said he likes it, but ever since then, he’s grown to love the colour.

“If you need anything, don’t hesitate to come to us, alright?” his new mother says, still sitting on his new bed with him.

The whole room still smells of new furniture, the scent of wood and varnish overlapping with the one of paint, even if only faintly. Even now that it’s dark, it doesn’t look at all threatening or overwhelming. He just isn’t used to it, is all. It’s a nice room. He likes all the plushes. He clings to the big fish plushie he’s gotten today, when they went to the store before even coming home, straight off the road.

They even promised him that for his birthday, they could gift him a video game console, which is absolutely insane to Hong. He’s only played a few times at Shi Qingxuan’s small handheld, so a whole proper console is crazy to him. Of course he isn’t going to decline that offer, even if it feels more than just unreal.

Slowly, he thinks, he’s coming to understand that these two women actually and really care about him. That they want him to be happy. That they didn’t adopt him to do chores, like he first thought.

He feels like he can actually and truly become happy like this.

“…Yes,” he mutters in response, way too late, but he’s not used to these kind words yet. It just feels awkward to him, but he knows they mean well. He’s already resolved that he won’t go to their room, though.

Hong is used to sleeping o his own, even if he has nightmares. He never bothered Shi Qingxuan or Xie Lian, either, when he ended up sleeping at theirs.

“Have a good night then, alright? Tomorrow, we’re going to show you the town a little. It’s not particularly big, but we want you to know your way around it before school starts in two weeks, okay?”

“Yes,” he says again, and receives a hair ruffle about that.

“We’ll talk about it more in the morning. You can sleep in however long you want tomorrow. All that travelling must’ve been exhausting. Just come downstairs whenever you want, alright? We’ll make breakfast for you whenever you want it.”

Someone making breakfast for him is still new, too. He only manages a nod, because he feels like if he started trying to speak again, he’d only end up crying, and he doesn’t want to cry already.

“Good night then,” she says, patting his head once more, and then softly turning off the small lamp at his nightstand.

“…Can I sleep with the light on?” he asks, and she only smiles in the darkness. She doesn’t say anything to ridicule him at all. Only quietly turns the lamp back on, and nods.

“Of course. Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t get hot, either. Alright.”

She stands up, and Hong gives a small nod himself to make sure she knows that he’s going to be okay on his own.

“Good night, Hong.”

“…Good night,” he whispers back, and waits until she shuts the door.

It’s different here, and Xie Lian isn’t here, but it’s okay enough anyway, because they’re kind and he has a lot of plushies now.

He misses him, anyway, though.

Before he knows it, he’s crying, but he does it quietly enough so that his new parents can’t hear because he doesn’t want them to worry.

In the end, he falls asleep though, because he’s indeed very exhausted.

 

*

 

The first time he cries in front of them is the next morning, when they follow through on their promise of cooking breakfast for him whenever he comes downstairs. It’s not too late, just a few minutes past eight, since he went to sleep so late, and both of them only just finished eating their own breakfast, having taken a few days off together for him. After that, they’ll be taking a week off each, until school starts.

He appreciates that, even while he cries into his chicken porridge and gets hugged by both of them after.

 

*

 

It’s been an entire week now, and he hasn’t hard of Xie Lian. They’ve taken him around the neighbourhood by now, shown him the school and everything. He hasn’t heard from Shi Qingxuan either, even though he keeps asking his mothers whether any letters have arrived on a daily basis. They always look quite sad when he asks, so he knows they’re not hiding anything from him, and they want him to get letters as much as he does. His former family might’ve just hidden them. He knows they wouldn’t, though.

Once more, he’s sitting at the window, waiting on the postman, pots clattering together in the background where one of his moms is cooking. It smells really good, and it’s without tomatoes. He instructed them that the only thing with tomatoes he likes in any way whatsoever is tomato sauce, and tomato soup, but only a very specific one. Nothing else. He won’t tolerate anything else.

The car he’s already come to know does pull up, in the end, and the postman does come outside and walks over to their door. His mother also sees, and she quickly goes to fetch the letters, exchanging a few words of niceties with the guy. He hears her sign a parcel or something, too.

She comes back inside and just quietly shakes her head at his expectant gaze, and Hong slumps together, folding in on himself. Once more, no letter. Why are they not writing him? He knows that sometimes, letters take a while to arrive, but they both promised him to write him a letter on the first day after he moves, and these definitely should’ve arrived by then.

“Say, Hong, you did give them your new address, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” he says, holding his tears back as hard as he can. Crying is for at night. “I wrote it myself.”

“…Ah,” his mother suddenly says, and gives him a small smile. “Your handwriting isn’t particularly… clean, is it?”

Once more, he just deflates, realizing that she’s right. What if they simply can’t read his handwriting? What if he is literally about to lose his two best friends because his handwriting sucks?

This is nothing short of tragic, and also absolutely only his own fault.

If it didn’t hurt so much, he’d ram his head straight into a wall. He’d do it. He deserves that kind of punishment. He feels like he might just do that in spite of the pain, if only he didn’t have people who really care about him now. So, he doesn’t, but only lets his head hang.

“We can try looking them up on the internet. Do you know their parents’ names?”

For a while, Hong absolutely racks his brain for the names of Shi Qingxuan’s and Xie Lian’s parents, but he comes up completely empty. They’ve only ever called them ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ respectively. He’s not sure even they know their parents’ names.

Okay, they probably do, but.

He shakes his head.

“I… see,” his mother stammers, “I’ll have a go online, anyway. Do you know what characters their names are written with?”

“…I think Xie Lian’s is written with the one for ‘thanks’.”

“There’s probably going to be a lot of people with that surname,” his mother sighs, “let’s have food first, alright? We’ll look afterwards, I promise. If not, then…”

(She doesn’t yet know about just how big social media is going to be in a few years, and just how technically easy it’s going to be to find people online, if only you look for them hard enough, so she doesn’t manage to come up with any kind of viable solution.)

Her voice trails off, and she just pulls Hong along to the parcel instead.

“Here, while the soup is cooking, let’s open this, alright?”

And, since Hong knows this is most likely an attempt to cheer him up, he complies. He gets to work on the relatively big parcel, lifting it up once. It doesn’t feel particularly heavy or anything. Not light, either, but not heavy. Then, he starts tearing off the paper, a little impatient.

He finds that not getting a lot of presents as a kid means that you’re going to very, very impatient when you suddenly start receiving them.

It does take a while for him to get through, but there’s a small bit that he can pull on with enough leverage to make sure the parcel opens up; except whatever is inside is once more packed into a plastic bag.

Carefully, he lifts the item out of it, and starts to realize that it must be a bag. He pats the sides down, and then pinches into the black plastic to go unwrap it, properly.

Out comes a bag, indeed.

“We both thought your school bag looked awfully sad, so we got you a new one,” his mother explains, “it’s also a bit bigger, so you can properly fit your lunch inside of it, and also a big enough water bottle. And all of your books, and whatever else you need at school, of course.”

He hates just how fast he gets close to crying, really. He’s a disaster. He’s already seven now – why does he always start crying about every single thing?

Tears shoot into his eyes faster than they should when he looks down at the bag, the knowledge that this is going to be his from now on truly sinking in. No one is going to take this from him.

“I hope you like it, at least. We’d have consulted you, but we wanted it to be a surprise, so we figured we’d just… if you really don’t like it, we can return it, though. I promise we won’t take it to heart.”

He knows as much. He knows they won’t take it to heart, because they don’t take anything to heart at all.

He lets his gaze sweep over it again.

It’s dark grey with a lot of red and white triangles scattered all over it, and a small, red fox on top.

“I like it,” he says, turning it around and around, looking at the back padding that his old back didn’t have, the bottle holder, opens it up to spot a matching lunchbox and a matching pencil case in it, too. “I like it a lot.”

Now, his tears start properly falling, and his mother quietly puts her hand onto his shoulder to stroke it, again and again, while Hong awkwardly hugs the new school bag they’ve bought for him

“I hope you’re not yet too old for it?”

“I’m not,” he says, promising himself that he’ll wear this for however long it fits, even if people laugh at him at one point. It’s obviously not too childish. He’s seven years old. But he won’t care if anyone doesn’t find it to be the best school bag in the entire world, because he thinks it is, and that’s all that counts. “I really, really like it a lot.”

He feels like he has to repeat it for her to believe him, but when he awkwardly glances up at her, he only sees that she does. Her eyes tell him as much. She’s not assuming that he’s lying. She just wanted to ask to make sure he really likes it, so that he won’t have to wear something he hates.

As if he even had a choice before. Hong isn’t used to choices.

It takes until he’s finished the soup she’s cooked – once it’s ready – for him to stop crying, and when he does, he feels all exhausted and ready to go right back to sleep. He won’t, because he wants to practice his handwriting.

Even if he knows he’ll most likely give up on that after a few tries, because it’s just no fun, and besides, it’s too late now anyway, so what’s the point?

He’s not doubting that Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan are thinking about him. He’d never believe that they have forgotten him, or that they’ve forgotten to write him a letter. That’s definitely not it. He’s going to wait a while longer. Every day. He’s going to keep hoping that letters are going to come, but if they don’t, they don’t.

He won’t lose hope.

Yet, he also thinks to himself that while this is a terrible misfortune, maybe it’s not entirely bad. After all, he’s a really bad crybaby, and he generally just dislikes himself. If he doesn’t see Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan for some years, then isn’t that good? Doesn’t that mean he’ll get the time to grow into some version of himself that he could potentially like? Doesn’t this give him the opportunity to just study as hard as he somewhat can, become as smart as he can, become all sporty and cool and maybe handsome, one day in the future?

(Yeah. He doubts that last one, because he sees nothing but a scrawny, ugly kid whenever he looks into the mirror.)

So, after he finished the soup, he stops crying. He tells himself that it’s fine.

The next time he sees Xie Lian, he will neither cry, nor be super awkward around him. He certainly won’t stutter, and if he ever gives him a ring and Xie Lian understands just what exactly he means, he’ll have to accept it because Hong will be so perfect.

It’s just… his handwriting. Maybe that, he won’t bother fixing. Even if it’s just to have something that keeps him recognizable, in some way.

He wants Xie Lian to think that he’s still Hong, but just a way, way better Hong.

Maybe he can start by shedding that childish name. He’ll start being Hua Cheng instead. Sounds a lot cooler, anyway.

Not as cool as his bag, probably, but it’ll have to do.

Chapter 31: Art&Dogs: Chapter 3

Notes:

i am still melting. help. another day of this, then the heat wave will be over, apparently,, Here's to hoping. my brain is mush atp.

there's some "kid encoutnering an autistic kid and being massively confused by it" in here which might be perceived as ableist. take care!

Hua Cheng has accepted that letters are probably not going to come. It’s unfortunate, really – he should’ve been a bit more reasonable and have his mothers write their address down on the pieces of paper he gave to Shi Qingxuan and Xie Lian. Obviously he doesn’t blame them for not having done that.

It’s just…

God, it’s such a stupid reason to lose contact.

Of course it makes him horribly sad. He loves Xie Lian. Who cares if he’s seven? He loves him, and he knows as much, and he isn’t going to pretend not to know just because he’s young, even if he sees a lot of adults talking about how kids can barely be in love with someone. They’d be wrong. Maybe other kids can’t. Hua Cheng, though, most definitely can.

On the other side, though, he does sincerely enjoy living with his new moms, and he even likes the new school quite a bit. It may not have Shi Qingxuan and Xie Lian, but the people are mostly nice. It’s been over a month since he started going now, and he hasn’t really found friends yet, but he gets along with everyone, and paired with his mothers, that’s enough. Some kids have made fun of him for being a boy who’s good at drawing, but his moms always compliment him and even promised him to let him go to a drawing course when he’s a bit older.

He's looking forward to it.

Who cares if his hobby is girly?

Everyone else is nice though, and he gets along well with the girls. People like his school bag, too. Not a single person insulted that.

One of his moms is a great cook. She’s stayed true to her word and allowed him to help with cooking. At first, it started out with his sense of duty, but it soon evolved into a genuine interest. Well, cooking isn’t the most fun, but he knows that one day, he’ll have to cook for himself (and Xie Lian), so he better get good at it. He thinks he’s doing pretty well. He can cook rice already, so that’s good.

“Hong, wanna come for a walk with me?” his mother suddenly asks, which has Hua Cheng look up from his maths homework, “how far along are you?”

“Nearly done. Just two more questions,” he says, “where are we going?”

“Just the store. We could go by car, but I don’t need a lot, so I might as well walk there, and I figured maybe you’d want to come along.”

He’s not sure he really wants to go for a walk specifically, but going to the store sounds good. Maybe he’ll get a chocolate bar or something like it out of that.

So, Hua Cheng quickly finishes up his homework, and gets dressed. He got two new pairs of shoes, too, and he knows his mothers are going to get him another proper pair for the winter, too.

He used to only have a single, worn-out pair, if even that. His last pair of shoes were hand-me-downs from Xie Lian that he’d long grown out of by the time his parents adopted him.

He’s done in no time, and his mother grabs her purse and a regular-sized shopping bag, and then they’re off.

Hua Cheng actually quite likes the town. It’s much smaller than the city he lived in, and thus a bit inconvenient all around. It luckily has both a middle school and a high school, but if he goes to university or something like it, he’ll have to move away. It only has two supermarkets and a clothing store, as well as some smaller shops for gifts, a bakery, all of that. It does have everything you need to live, but not a lot. The school does have a pretty large gym, though, and also a large field to play soccer on and run. And there’s a bowling venue where they went last weekend. He wasn’t particularly good at, but he doesn’t care. He’ll beat his moms one day, if they keep going there.

So, in short: Hua Cheng actually quite enjoys his new life here. He’d enjoy it a lot more if Xie Lian (and Shi Qingxuan) were here, but they’re not, and he does want to make the best of it. Even if it hurts. Maybe he’ll find a proper friend, one day, too.

Halfway to the supermarket, his mother suddenly stops dead in the track, and for a bit, Hua Cheng gets genuinely scared that something is wrong. He’s not used to people doing sudden things and these things not being malicious at all. Stopping when walking is normal, he tells himself. So why is he still freaking out about it anyway?

It’s so stupid. He feels really stupid sometimes.

“Look, Hong, these are practically our neighbours! I can’t believe you’re only meeting them now, but they were away for a month I think, business trip for the dad, so the rest accompanied him. You might’ve seen Xuan-er at school, though.”

…Xuan?

Like Shi Qingxuan?

Hua Cheng now also stops dead in the track.

“I don’t think he’s in your class, but they came back two weeks ago, so he should’ve been back at school for that time,” his mom sasy as she waves at the family of four on the other side of the street.

Hua Cheng grabs her hand a little harder. How can she just expect him to talk to someone new?

He’s never seen that kid, he realizes quickly when they walk across the street.

The guy is scrawny as hell, nothing like Shi Qingxuan, who was always more on the plump side of things, all soft. This one is all jagged edges, thin face, legs so thin Hua Cheng feels like he could snap them in half with his hands. His sleek, black hair is longer than this, and he wears it in a long ponytail. His sweater has three realistic looking fish on it, his pants are grey, and his shoes…

Hua Cheng blinks a little. His shoes are the shape of sharks, actually. As in, they have fins, a mouth, all of that. What the hell is wrong with him? Are his shoes going to try eating up his sweater with the fish on it or what?

He’s not sure whether he likes the look or not.

“That’s He Xuan, his mother says, “he’s just turned nine, if I remember correctly, so! You should make friends. They live basically here, so just a few minutes from us, really! So, if you ever talk and want to make friends, just let us know, alright?”

However, He Xuan is glaring absolute daggers at him when the whole family stops in front of them.

His mother looks really nice, though. She actually kind of reminds Hua Cheng a bit of Shi Qingxuan with how warmly she immediately talks to him and his mother, and he can imagine Shi Qingxuan turning into exactly this kind of adult.

He Xuan continues glaring at him, which Shi Qingxuan would never do, shared name or no.

The father remains quiet for most of the conversation, but whenever he does chime in, he seems kind of nice, too. Hua Cheng is always a bit wary of quiet men, given his own father, but this one ruffles the hair of the little girl that’s with them.

She looks like she might be three or four. Something around that age. Not quite as skinny as the boy, but still scrawny-looking, big eyes, but she looks really cute. Hua Cheng can admit as much. He may not be the absolute fondest of kids younger than him, but he’s not going to be mean to them.

“Mom, who’s that?” she asks, pointing straight at him.

…Her brother is still staring at Hua Cheng, and by now, it’s getting slightly creepy.

Hua Cheng feels very, very awkard about this all.

“Hm, A-Xiang and her wife have adopted him, recently, A-Li! But we were all away and then sick, so I guess this is our first time seeing the new neighbour! Ah, A-Xiang, when we came back we all got the flu, but Xuan-er’s been back at school for a week now. Say, have you seen Hua Cheng at school yet?” He Xuan’s mother asks, but her son just quietly shakes his head, still staring.

A shiver runs down Hua Cheng’s spine, but he tells himself that he can just stare back. Sounds like a good plan. And so, he stares back.

As soon as he does, He Xuan instantly averts his gaze, like he’s been burned. He looks kind of like Hua Cheng has slapped him. The heck?

“I haven’t,” He Xuan says in the end. “What class does he go to?”

Hua Cheng is right there! He could just ask him directly.

“Ask him yourself,” his mother laughs, which, yeah. That’s the exact sentiment Hua Cheng likes. This guy’s mother really is a bit like Shi Qingxuan, huh? Maybe that’s why she called her son that.

“What class do you go to?” he asks, all obediently, and no matter how weird Hua Cheng may be finding him, he does answer. No reason to be weird back.

“The one at the end of the hallway. Second floor. Second grade.”

He might end up in third grade soon, or just skip it entirely once he finishes second grade, though. The teachers told his moms that he’s really far ahead, which is true, because he always did homework with Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan, and understood it pretty well. So, he should know all the content they’re doing at the moment already. He might as well save himself a year.

“Hm. I’m at the front,” He Xuan says, “I haven’t seen you. Do you like fish?”

“Like… to eat?” Hua Cheng stutters, and above him, his mother gives a small snort.

“I don’t like to eat fish,” He Xuan’s little sister, whose name is apparently ‘Li’, chimes in. “It’s yucky.”

“Now, now, young lady, but it’s healthy,” her father says, once more patting her head with a smile. “Always eat your fish. He means it not in the food way, Hua Cheng. As animals. Whether you like them as animals.”

“Oh,” Hua Cheng says, a bit baffled by the fact He Xuan couldn’t explain that himself.

“I like fish,” He Xuan does suddenly declare, though, and Hua Cheng somehow feels as if he’s having a conversation with someone who hasn’t had a conversation. Like, ever. It’s a bit hard. He can tell that the guy isn’t bad, just a bit… weird, if anything.

“I… don’t mind fish?” Hua Cheng says, but it comes out as a bit more of a question. “I don’t really think about fish.”

“Ah,” He Xuan makes. He sounds disappointed. “Mom, I can’t be friends with him. He doesn’t really think about fish.”

That’s… a dealbreaker for a friendship? In all honour, Hua Cheng isn’t very sure he wants to be friends with Mister Fish anyway, but to be outright rejected like this, just because he doesn’t particularly care about fish is something entirely new to him. He’s not sure what the hell is wrong with the guy, but something’s not quite right.

“C’mon now, Xuan-er, it’s always good to be friends with people that aren’t like you,” she says, and once more, his little sister chimes in.

“Like me. I don’t care for fish either, but you’re my friend anyway!”

“You’re my little sister,” He Xuan deadpans. “So of course I like you. But I don’t know this boy.”

‘This boy’, like he’s much older than him? By what, a year and a few months? Genuinely, who cares about that?

“Well, you can get to know him!” his mother says again, but He Xuan doesn’t look particularly convinced that he’d gain anything from associating with Hua Cheng, and Hua Cheng also doesn’t think he can have fun with a guy who seems to only care about fish.

They’re just not meant to be, probably. It’s whatever. He’ll find another friend.

“Well, either way,” Hua Cheng’s mother says, looking down at him, “we should probably go on. Well, if you two ever want to play, you let us know, okay? Their family’s super nice, so!”

They do say their goodbyes, and Hua Cheng is very glad about it. As soon as they’re out of sight, he exhales, and his mother gives a small laugh.

“Sorry, I probably should’ve warned you. He Xuan can be a bit intense. I hope it was right that I pulled us out for now?”

“Yes,” Hua Cheng says, unsure what kind of expression he’s wearing on his face right now. He feels like it’s probably a very aggrieved expression, because what the hell was all that about?

“It’s alright,” she says, “he’s a very nice boy when you get to know him. He cares a lot for his family, even though he’s so young. They don’t have a lot of money, so he helps with all the chores so his parents have to do a lot of work, and that’s why he had to accompany them on their trip, so he could watch his little sister while his parents worked. He’s just autistic, so you might’ve noticed that, but…”

“What’s that?”

“Uh…” his mother starts, kind of at a loss. “He’s really into fish, as you’ve noticed? He thinks about the things he likes a lot more than you might, and sometimes he doesn’t really think about anything else at all.”

Yeah. Hua Cheng has noticed that.

“But he also really likes school, and since he likes it, he’s really good at it. But then the things he doesn’t like, he really hates. A bit of a black-and-white thing.”

“Why does that have a specific name?” Hua Cheng asks, because that kid was just weird. But seemingly, his mom has an explanation for how he’s weird, so he’ll hear her out before judging him too early.

“Ah, because he might be really good at some things, but it’s considered a disability. He has issues making friends, and talking to people in general.”

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah, you’ve noticed that, huh?” his mother laughs, doing the same thing as He Xuan’s father now, and ruffling his hair once. “He’s also really sensitive to loud sounds and the like. He’ll freak out if people are too loud and all, or go really quiet and stop talking entirely because it gets so much for him. And things are too much for him faster than they’d be for you. Even sitting in class is too loud for him a lot of the time.”

Hua Cheng gets that. Kind of, at least. Not really, but he knows what it’s like when something is just way to much. He knows his other parents screaming, and how overwhelming that was. He can’t imagine what it’s like to feel that way just because you’re at school, but he also can’t imagine what it’s like to want to be a girl or a boy when people keep telling you you’re not, like Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan, but he can still be nice about it.

Thanks to them, Hua Cheng learned early on that you don’t have to understand something to be nice to someone.

“I see,” he says, “…does he really only think about fish?”

“Ah- not only,” his mother quickly corrects, “just a lot. Fish make him really happy. NO harm in that, after all. Even if you can’t get along with him, at least be nice, okay? Don’t say mean things to him, and be very clear with whatever you say. Out loud. He doesn’t really get the faces others make, a lot of the time.”

That’s easy enough. Hua Cheng has already promised himself he’d become a much more outspoken person anyway. Since he has to make sure that Xie Lian really likes him whenever they next meet and all of that. And Xie Lian really likes Shi Qingxuan, who’s outspoken, so Hua Cheng wants to be the same. Also, it’s much cooler to say what you mean and want to others instead of cowering, so he won’t be lying to He Xuan or anything like that.

“Okay,” he says, “I can do that.”

He doubts he can be friends with someone who basically only thinks about fish, but he can be nice.

Hua Cheng knows what it’s like when others aren’t nice to you, after all.

Chapter 32: Art&Dogs: Chapter 4

Notes:

it's been so long since i read this chapter i didnt know what it was till i started proof reading n sucked air in SO HARSHLY UHMMMM anyway . trigger warnign for death in this one, huh.

Hua Cheng never ended up making friends with He Xuan. He saw him a lot at school, and they did grow up together, in a way. He saw other students not greet him though and thought that wasn’t very okay, so Hua Cheng himself did his best part to at least say ‘hello’. He Xuan only ever mumbled one back, but he supposes that has to cut it in terms of ‘being nice’ to him. It could be worse.

However, the day comes when he regrets that, sort of. They’re in middle school when it happens. Not in the same class, but the news are all over the school yard immediately, during break, that He Xuan got pulled out of class for something, and so did some other students, all close friends with that one girl that lives directly next to He Xuan.

Even Hua Cheng has talked to her, sometimes. His moms like her a lot, too.

Liked.

Past tense.

Hua Cheng isn’t sure how he feels about someone his age dying. Not at all. Of course he knows that people die. He’s been aware of that ever since he was way too small. While he was here, one of his grandparents died, too; his one mother’s father, to be exact. Hua Cheng never really got to know him, because he wasn’t very accepting of his parents both being women, so they weren’t in contact much anymore. But his mother was still sad. It was a bit awkward for him – he never knew the guy, so he had no idea how to react. He couldn’t feel sad at all. But, despite him not having accepted her, his mother still cried.

But he was old.

This girl isn’t.

It makes him all too acutely aware that he hasn’t talked to Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan in literal years, that he has no idea what they’re doing, whether they’re still alive, or whether their family still is alive. He has a phone now, but he hasn’t found either of them yet. Shi Qingxuan probably ended up properly changing her name at one point, he supposes, and Xie Lian…

Maybe he’s just not much into social media. Hua Cheng will keep trying.

(Daily. Obsessively. For hours on end, like a creepy stalker, but he doesn’t even care. He misses Xie Lian, and he won’t have anyone tell him that this isn’t okay. So what if it isn’t? As long as Xie Lian himself doesn’t care once they reunite, what’s the matter? He might, though. He should, probably.)

But yeah – Hua Cheng doesn’t even know whether his two closest friends are still alive.

He knows, too, that He Xuan and that girl were more than friends. Everyone on the school yard was constantly talking about it. How they had no idea how He Xuan got a girlfriend before any of them did, even if the two would always break out into blushing messes if you called them that. How someone so obsessed with fish could like anything else that much, which even Hua Cheng knows is bullshit. Sure, he might not be autistic, but he likes drawing a lot, he’s found out. If he couldn’t love both drawing and Xie Lian at the same time, wouldn’t that be dumb? He’s sure that’s true for a lot of people. What, just because He Xuan is a bit more single-minded, he can’t love a person? He genuinely has no idea what he was meant to make of all the chatter.

But what he did know is that He Xuan and Miao-er did love each other, in the awkward way that young teenagers do, and he does know that she died too early, and that He Xuan doesn’t really have any other friends.

Hua Cheng himself isn’t the type to make close connections, and truth be told, he doesn’t want to be friends with He Xuan in any way, actually. He doesn’t care for him past greeting him and thinking others are stupid for excluding him just for being autistic, when there’s a lot more wrong with the guy.

(Like for example his choice of clothing. All black, really? What, is he an emo?)

(Give it a year, and Hua Cheng will adopt the very same style, though.)

But now, He Xuan doesn’t really have anyone to comfort him, not apart from his immediate family, at least. Of course they still account for something, but they’ll also all be grieving, but in a different way from him. Hua Cheng just kind of thinks… the guy needs another friend. He has no more friends, now that his only friend died.

Hell, he heard that their parents were already always joking about arranging their marriage, ever since they were little kids and everything. They might have, if she hadn’t died.

So: Hua Cheng sort of regrets not making friends with He Xuan, because he pities him now. Which by itself is stupid, and he’d never make friends with someone for such a stupid reason. He doesn’t care enough for that, either. He’s not the type of person to care about others, not if they aren’t Xie Lian, or his moms. Even Shi Qingxuan is on a bit of thin ice, simply because Hua Cheng these days always gets a bit hung up on whether she actually cared about him, or whether she was just friends with him out of pity.

He's probably being unfair to her.

Maybe that makes him a bad person. Whatever – he never claimed to be a good person. He just has to be good at everything so he can find and track down Xie Lian as fast as he somewhat can, and be a good person in front of him. Who cares about others?

Except he kind of cares, when he sees He Xuan step towards the grave, his expression completely blank, like he’s feeling so much that he feels nothing at all. His eyes say nothing. His mouth is only a thin line, and he’s pale, but he’s always pale. He looks like usual, as if he’s standing in a hallway at school, waiting for class to start all on his own.

If they weren’t standing in front of a buried dead person, Hua Cheng wouldn’t know that anything is different, that anything has changed. But he does know, because even if, since she died, everyone has been whispering about how He Xuan hasn’t really reacted to it. Hua Cheng gets it.

He understands.

If Xie Lian were to die, he wouldn’t be able to feel anything at first, either. He doesn’t think he’d even accept it. He knows that you can’t bring the dead back to life, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t damn well try.

He Xuan has the calmness about him that someone who hasn’t yet actually realized what happened has. Hua Cheng can’t imagine he has really understood. It’s only been a few days. How could you understand that the person you love most in the whole world died in just a few days?

“Goodbye,” is everything he whispers, before he steps back towards his sister, like he’s terrified of what all of this is going to mean not just for him, but also for her.

That’s the only other thing Hua Cheng really knows about the guy – he’d die for his family, even if he’s a scrawny teenager with his head in his books at all times. His sister broke her leg two years ago, and he spent his entire time in the hospital.

Once, he even snuck out of school during the break to go over to the hospital to see her for ten minutes, since the break was twenty, and the walk just five. He knows he does a lot of chores around the house, much like Hua Cheng, just for different motivations.

(If, in any world ever, Hua Cheng manages to get married to Xie Lian, Xie Lian won’t need to do anything around the house. Hua Cheng will make incredibly sure of that. He refuses the concept of Xie Lian working, point blank.)

His little sister has cried. She cried throughout the whole service, and has only really stopped now. She holds onto He Xuan’s hand like it means everything to her, and Hua Cheng can tell that it really, really does. Not just for her, but for him too.

He has his own hands stuffed into his pockets because he doesn’t really know what to make of any of this. He didn’t know the girl well. He’s only really here because his mothers are, and because he did talk to her a few times, and she was really nice. It’s not as awkward as when his theoretical grandfather died, but it’s still weird.

Maybe it's just weird because someone literally died, though.

So, he keeps watching He Xuan, as if that can help the way he feels right now.

It just feels… off. Something about this feels off. It feels like she shouldn’t have died, and like her and He Xuan should’ve been together forever, like that’s a law of the universe that got rudely interrupted by someone else. Like someone replaced her with someone else once, and now it’s carved into their fate that they lose each other. He’s got not a single clue as to where that kind of ultra-specific feeling would come from, but he can’t help it, somehow.

He wonders, though, because every single time he talked to her, he felt like she was really similar to Shi Qingxuan, actually. Just a ray of sunshine that you think could never get snuffed out, a fire burning so strongly that no water or wind could ever touch it. Clearly that isn’t right, and even suns like them have their weaknesses.

He Xuan’s mother and father step forward next, and they don’t even say anything, tears gleaming in both of their eyes.

It continues like this, until someone starts shoveling earth onto her, and it’s then that He Xuan seems to realize… everything. Just, everything.

His entire body starts to shake, and his eyes fill with tears, and then he’s crying in the middle of a large group of people, with his hands trying desperately to wipe away his own tears. He doesn’t really succeed, and it makes him look nothing but absolutely miserable and child-like. Not that these things matter when you’ve just lost the person you love, Hua Cheng supposes. But he looks pitiable at best right now. He can hear quiet sobs, broken and strained as they are released by him, pushing past his lips despite He Xuan clearly trying his best to suppress them.

At one point, his mother hugs him, and she whispers something to her husband before leaving with He Xuan, his sister and father staying, hand in hand, He Li looking oddly calm as she watches the girl who was also a friend of hers get buried in the earth. She must’ve cried it all out a few minutes ago.

After a while of crying, there’s nothing left. Hua Cheng would know from his many nights spent crying about Xie Lian not having sent letters because of his stupid handwriting.

A few minutes later, other people start leaving, so his mothers also nod at him, signaling that it’s time for them to go.

Only the girl’s direct family stays, her parents, and what looks like her aunt maybe, and like her grandparents.

One of Hua Cheng’s mothers squeezes his shoulder once, as if to say they’re proud of him for surviving this, even when Hua Cheng clearly doesn’t have it the worst here.

All they did was exchange a few words, here and there. This is as if him and He Xuan were friends, and He Xuan talked to Xie Lian three times, and got praised for not crying during his funeral. Not that they’re friends, or that He Xuan knows Xie Lian, obviously. It just feels kind of ridiculous to Hua Cheng, is all.

Outside of the graveyard is He Xuan still, off to the side, clinging to a bottle of water and looking like he’s just thrown up. Hua Cheng does spot some vomit a few meters away from him, in the grass, dampening it. He screws up his face against this own will. Sure, Hua Cheng can be a bit of an ass sometimes, as it has turned out, but even he doesn’t want to be awful to someone who just lost the love of his life. He can just hope that everyone around him understands vomit is just disgusting, and he doesn’t think He Xuan is disgusting or anything like that.

“You’re okay,” his mother whispers into He Xuan’s hair, standing directly next to him him and holding him close with a single hand, like she doesn’t know what else to do or say when her son clearly isn’t okay, in a situation like this. “Just breathe, okay?”

He Xuan does nod, and he does breathe, especially once his little sister and father join them. Even Hua Cheng’s mothers suddenly walk over, so he’s kind of forced to join them, no matter how awkward of a spot that puts him into.

Him and He Xuan aren’t friends. They’re most definitely not close enough for Hua Cheng to say any words of comfort to him at all. How could he? He has no idea what this feels like.

(And yet, deep down, he feels like he might have an idea, actually. Of what it feels like to see the love your life die. Or know they’re dead all of a sudden. He feels like somehow, he knows exactly the pain and grief that comes with it, even if Xie Lian definitely hasn’t died. Not in this life, anyway.)

“Are you alright?” Hua Cheng’s mother asks He Xuan as soon as she’s in front of him, reaching into her pocket for what Hua Cheng knows is going to be a piece of mint candy, since she always carries these around. The whole car smells of mint, most of the time. She quietly presses one into He Xuan’s hands, and he takes it.

“Thank you,” he croaks out, wiping the hand he took it with on his pants – Hua Cheng’s mother doesn’t seem offended at the action at all. Hua Cheng just kind of wonders about it. He Xuan probably doesn’t care that Hua Cheng’s parents are both women, so it’s probably not that. Does he think she’s dirty, or was her hand actually sweaty? He’s got no clue.

He does pop the piece of candy into his mouth, but screws up his face a bit.

“…I don’t like mint.”

Hua Cheng’s mother laughs and pats him on the shoulder as if he’s her own son.

“That doesn’t matter right now, does it? It’s to get rid of the taste. Anything’s better than vomit taste, surely?”

“…Marginally,” He Xuan says, moving his mouth in a bit of a weird motion, like he’s not entirely sure that even ‘marginally’ applies here. He’s very, very unhappy with the taste, but Hua Cheng thinks that he appreciates the gesture too much to say anything.

Hua Cheng’s other mother also steps towards him, and instead of a candy, she quietly reaches out her hand towards him. He Xuan is confused, until his mother nudges him, and he takes the hand of Hua Cheng’s mother.

In fact, Hua Cheng does know that He Xuan hates physical contact, because at school, people will sometimes try to touch him just to get a rise out of him. Which is stupid, because really – at least bully him for his clothes, if you bully him at all. Yet, he takes his mother’s hand just like this.

She strokes her thumb over the back of it for a while, before smiling silently at He Xuan, who’s almost her height by now, just missing a few more centimeters.

“I know you won’t believe me right now,” she says, and Hua Cheng can see how she squeezes his hand, then lets go. This time, he doesn’t wipe his hand. “But you won’t forget her, just because she isn’t here anymore. It won’t stop hurting, but it’ll get better, and life will go on anyway. She wouldn’t want your life to end with hers. I know it sounds corny, but you still have a life to live. Don’t be afraid to do it, and don’t feel guilty about doing it, either, once you feel like it’s the right moment to start again. Give yourself some time, and grieve properly, and then it’ll feel easier. But none of that means you’ll forget her.”

Hua Cheng stands there, still a few meters from them, watches as He Xuan’s eyes go big, his lip wobbles, and he starts crying again. He has no idea how his mom does it, but she always seems to know what’s on other people’s minds, and right now, she seems to damn well know that He Xuan isn’t just grieving, but that he’s scared.

He gets it, kind of. Maybe, if Xie Lian died, he’d also be scared of forgetting things about him.

The only difference is that there’s no way Hua Cheng could live without him in this world. Apart from him is barely manageable, but anything more than that, he doesn’t think he could do.

Yet, he understands it well enough, he thinks.

And, even if they aren’t friends, he does wish He Xuan well. He does hope that he takes these words to heart, and that he doesn’t let her death take over him for the rest of his life.

Not everyone is like him, after all, and even if Hua Cheng acts sometimes like he’s above everyone, in truth, he knows that it’s probably a good thing to be anyone but him.

Chapter 33: Art&Dogs: Chapter 5

Notes:

oh god i am FRIED from this day i am hopign my brain like. survives. proof reading this. ahem. turns out i need a title for my MA thesis by monday i'm not even starting it for like another year do u know how ridiculous this is lowkey LMFAO

tw for this chapter for on screen physical bullying oops. OH UHM also i allowed hua cheng usage fo the f-slur. i figured. yk. i am a gay guy. hua cheng is a gay guy. might as well. dont cancel me i am in the group of people who can reclaim this one. he says it about himself either way too

Hua Cheng is still gathering up his things from his art club at his middle school, long after the teacher has already left because he was on cleaning duty for the room today, when he hears a quiet thud against the wall from the outside.

He furrows his eyebrows and pushes his pencil case back into his bag.

It isn’t the one his mothers gifted him anymore, not the first. Of course they did still buy it for him, but it’s a little less childish. Just a grey bag with some red accents on it and black leather, really.

Lazily, he slings it around his shoulder, and leaves the classroom – and thus learns where that loud thud came from.

Hua Cheng stares at what’s happening in front of him, not entirely sure how he didn’t hear the ruckus until that thump against the wall.

There’s a group of people; well ‘group’ is a strong word, but these are four teenagers the same age as him. He recognizes them as being from the class over, all of them wearing grins that Hua Cheng knows all too well.

He saw these type of grins on the faces of the people who thought it’d be fine to push him around at school when he was a child, until Shi Qingxuan and Xie Lian took care of them.

By now, he’s learned to protect himself, though. Whenever he sees Xie Lian again, he’ll be the one to protect him, not the other way around.

“Look, he looks like some kind of child with these ear piercings, doesn’t he?” one of them laughs, “what, you never outgrew that bullshit? Aren’t you way too old for something stupid like shark earrings?”

Hua Cheng’s eyes go wide not just at hearing that, but also at seeing just who these four are tormenting together. Of course he’d have known latest when they mentioned the shark earrings, though.

Pushed against the wall is He Xuan, now a lanky teenager, fourteen years old, much taller than Hua Cheng, who’s still stuck as a shitty thirteen-year-old waiting desperately on his growth spurt. Given that he has grown out of some of his clothes over the past month, he thinks it may finally be here, though. His black hair is mussed up against the wall, teeth grit, his face flushed in anger. One of the teenagers is pushing his shoulders into the wall firmly, while two others are keeping his arms in place. Another just stands there, sneering, while He Xuan does is best to kick out, but gets fended off by the others’ legs.

The thing is – Hua Cheng knows that He Xuan is actually pretty decent at self-defense. He knows from his mothers that he took some fighting classes and everything, just for self-defense reasons to begin with.

However, four against one is just too much. Unless you had superpowers, there’s no way you could go against them.

“I don’t fucking care what you think of me,” He Xuan says, “can you literally just let me go?”

He sounds completely unbothered by the insults. He sounds like he genuinely just wants to go home, which is probably true. He doesn’t have a great time at school, apart from in class itself, and given how often Hua Cheng just sees him around town hanging out with his little sister, he probably just wants to get back to her.

Either way, he’ll have to step in. Even if he’s smaller than most in his year because he’s younger than them after having skipped a grade and everything.

“Let the fuck go of him,” he says, dropping his bag, which does make the four of them turn around to him – and then also He Xuan.

“Do I look like I need your fucking help?” he scoffs, which, hello? Ungrateful much?

“You do, actually,” Hua Cheng deadpans. “Anyway, let go of him, I’m not scared to go tattle to the teachers about this. At least fight fair and square, won’t you?”

Clearly that seems to infuriate the guy holding He Xuan by the shoulders, who seems a bit like the group’s leader or something. Not that Hua Cheng cares.

“Who even are you? That art kid? What, you gay or something?”

“Yeah, big surprise, the faggot-looking dude is gay,” Hua Cheng grumbles, “congratulations on the most obvious observation you could’ve possibly made about me, you fucking dimwit.”

At that, the guy lets go of He Xuan, clearly infuriated by what has just been said to him, which is just funny as hell to Hua Cheng. He has lesbian moms, and he’s been in love with Xie Lian since he was what, four? Five? If he’s confident in anything, it’s being gay – he’s not going to feel bad for being gay at any point ever, no matter what anyone says.

Strangely enough, no one’s ever come for his looks, because that’s where his insecurities are really at.

However, that’s exactly the chance Hua Cheng was looking for, because no matter how much the other two are trying to restrain He Xuan, Hua Cheng jumps the chance to catch the guy’s fist with one arm and instead plant his own into his face. His nose does crack awfully loudly, and he stumbles back holding it, blood immediately pouring out, but whatever.

This was arguably self-defense.

Meanwhile, He Xuan does manage to struggle free from the other two, and even the other guy lunging at him doesn’t have much on him, because He Xuan aims for a good old kick in the guy’s balls. Amazing, Hua Cheng finds. The guy who got kicked in the balls goes to hang out with his now broken-nose friend, while Hua Cheng shakes out his hand, because that did make his knuckle hurt, and the other two back away from them faster than he’d originally thought they would.

He Xuan is left breathing heavily, glaring at them, and broken-nose man is staring at Hua Cheng very intently.

“You’ll pay.”

“For your future nose job? Definitely not,” he laughs, just casually grabbing his bag back up – always keeping an eye on them if need be, though, “feel free to contact my moms about it or ask the teachers, but given you guys cause trouble all the time, something tells me you won’t get off lightly.”

“At least fucking apologize!” the guy screams, blood continuously flowing out into his sleeve, making him look a lot less threatening.

“Absolutely won’t, you ganged up on a single guy with four of you, and he just got away from three of you all by himself. I’d be so embarrassed if I were you guys,” Hua Cheng says, plastering on his most perfect smile. “Literally, just go and get fucked. Report to a teacher, let’s see what they’ll have to say.”

Hua Cheng’s plan, however, is to contact the teachers first. That’s always the better thing to do, and given that his art teacher should still be somewhere around here given that most of the time, she just arranges stuff in the other art rooms after class from whatever the students have left over, they’re as good as safe. She loves Hua Cheng. Hua Cheng is going to cause so much trouble for these assholes.

Maybe he doesn’t care a lot about He Xuan as a person, admittedly. Or about anyone that isn’t Xie Lian. But if one thing pisses him the fuck off, it’s injustices like this, and no matter how stupid He Xuan looks with his shark piercings and emo outfit (not that Hua Cheng is a lot better at this point), he doesn’t deserve this.

Them, however? They certainly do, in Hua Cheng’s eyes.

With a little huff, he turns to He Xuan, once the others have disappeared. Whether it’s to cry to mommy about what happened, or tattle to a teacher and spout huge lies about it, Hua Cheng doesn’t really care.

“You ok?” he asks, but He Xuan just gives him a derisive snort.

“I could’ve handled this myself.”

“Yeah, no, you couldn’t have,” Hua Cheng says again, but he doesn’t really mind the false pride the guy seemingly seems to have.

He Xuan is awkwardly rubbing away at his own shoulders and arms and hands, like he’s trying to get the feeling of the others touching him off his own body. Hua Cheng does understand that sentiment.

“Why’d they pick a bone with you, anyway? Did you do anything?”

Another glare from He Xuan, but this time directed at him.

“What could I possibly have done? They hate my pure existence, but it’s whatever. I don’t care about what these kind of people think.”

Hua Cheng thinks that’s a good outlook to have for this, even if he himself sadly does care. He wouldn’t tell anyone that, and he’s trying very hard to overcome this, especially because his mothers do seem to know that he’s still struggling with his self-esteem a little. Even if it’s just to please them, he should work on it. It’s just hard when for the first few years of your life, you were made to feel that you don’t matter at all, that you’re nothing but ugly and useless.

It's just so hard to shake off.

“Alright. Well, are we going to go tell a teacher? I’d rather not be done in for breaking someone’s nose in anything that wasn’t self-defense.”

“You can go, but I won’t,” He Xuan declares, dusting off his black jeans next; there’s some dust from where they probably kicked him.

“Huh, why?”

For a bit, Hua Cheng thinks that he definitely won’t get an answer out of the guy, but in the end. He does tell. Maybe it’s He Xuan’s way of thanking him for having helped because come on, he must have known that he couldn’t have gone up against four people all by himself, surely? They’d clearly had him pinned and at their mercy, no matter what the guy would like to think.

“Don’t want my parents to know, and the teachers are most definitely going to tell them. Just say I was someone from a lower grade or whatever, just lie. Not like it matters.”

“Why do you not want your parents to know? Aren’t they really nice?” Hua Cheng asks, genuinely a bit confused at his whole spiel.

“That’s why,” He Xuan grumbles, which somehow makes Hua Cheng realize that he has gotten better at conversation over the years, actually, no matter what others might say. He can talk to others now. He’s learned it a bit. His speech still sounds flat and everything, but Hua Cheng has been told to just take everything he says literally, and then he should be fine. And, if you do that, it is fine. Not that hard of a concept to understand at all, in his humble opinion.

“I don’t want them to know about this, because they’d worry,” He Xuan continues, “and they’d worry about something that doesn’t even matter to me. They’ve already been worrying about me since…”

His voice trails off, but both of them know damn well what he’s referring to.

Ever since his friend died. They’re aware. They know. Everyone knows He Xuan has been struggling ever since. Something tells Hua Cheng that maybe, others wouldn’t be bullying him if she hadn’t died. She was so well-loved, and if He Xuan was someone she loves, how could they have argued with her?

Now, he’s just on his own. He has no one to protect him by loving him, not at school. Sure, his sister is in the first grade of middle school right now, but their school days barely align. Hua Cheng only really sees them together during the first break.

He doesn’t really know what to do or say about this whole thing, though. What are you meant to say to someone who actually and genuinely doesn’t really seem to care about being bullied, and who’s lost someone so dear to him that he hasn’t yet quite recovered, even though it’s been quite a while?

“So… that’s it then? You’re not going to tell anyone about this?”

“No,” He Xuan grunts, and is already turning to leave. Hua Cheng kind of has enough of him right now, because never fucking mind – he’s insufferable, just for reasons that aren’t him being autistic, but for reasons of him being a bit of an ungrateful little bitch that’d rather hide his suffering from the people he loves, even when it’s very obvious that in the long run, that’s not going to be good in any way whatsoever.

So, Hua Cheng grabs him by the shoulders, not much unlike the other guy.

“No,” he declares, “you come with me. Say they attacked me instead,” Hua Cheng says, “my art teacher loves me, and she’ll believe me if we say that to her. But you’re not getting out of this. I don’t care what you tell or don’t tell your parents, but you’re fucking coming with me, Mister Emo-Fish.”

“Mister- what?” He Xuan croaks out, shoving Hua Cheng’s hands off himself with an utterly aggrieved look on his face that lets Hua Cheng knows he really hates human contact that much.

“Mister Emo-Fish. You’re coming with me. I got you out of that situation, so now you come with me, I am not going on my own. Even if it’s just to have another fucking witness so that someone believes me. And since we aren’t friends, they will believe us. Which, good. I broke someone’s nose for you, so you know, you’d better pay up in some way.”

And seemingly, the message and the reasoning do seem to make sense to He Xuan, because he gives a little sigh and nods, eventually.

“Fine,” he grumbles, “but you’re not mentioning that it was about me.”

“No worries,” Hua Cheng sighs, and decides that no matter how much he doesn’t trust others – there’s nothing threatening about He Xuan, and he isn’t going to try and do Hua Cheng in, so if he allows himself a tiny scrap of vulnerability in front of him, it’s probably alright, and he won’t die or be made fun of. “I know what it’s like to be in your spot anyway, so I’ve got the story down. So, you coming? We gotta find my art teacher.”

For a bit, He Xuan’s eyes widen, and then he nods once more.

“Fine. But we are not friends.”

“Obviously not,” Hua Cheng laughs, “we don’t even know each other.”

He turns towards the other art rooms down the hallway, looking back over his shoulder.

“You coming?”

“Yes,” He Xuan sighs, following him on his search of finding his art teacher, and then, very pissed off and like he’d rather be saying anything else at all, “…and thank you.”

Hua Cheng snorts so loudly that He Xuan kicks him from behind.

Chapter 34: Art&Dogs: Chapter 6

Notes:

the big eepy got me and i nearly forgot about this chapter again AAAAAAAAAAH well ahemahem here i am. time to get that friendship going amirite

Hua Cheng is majorly uncomfortable because of the fact that He Xuan is seated next to him, all of a sudden. It’s their first year of high school. They only have some subjects with a specific class, but electives are entirely new people. Of course some of them end up in the electives, too.

Well.

He Xuan isn’t one of Hua Cheng’s original classmates, but he sure as hell is in his art class now. Not like you get a lot of choices with creative stuff – it’s art or music. Theater is its own club, and Hua Cheng is pretty sure He Xuan is going to sign up for that, since he saw his name on some flyers from their middle school’s theater club. In other words, though: if only this shitty school would offer a proper theater class, he’d be rid of He Xuan. He wouldn’t be here. Hua Cheng isn’t fond of him, especially not after that incident. He wasn’t nice. He lied to the teachers. Hua Cheng is pretty sure his parents still don’t know that he’s being bullied, which is bad on so many levels. He’s hard to talk to, even if it’s easier now than it used to be. He’s still obsessed with fish. He’s not just hard to talk to and obsessed with fish, actually, he’s kind of mean sometimes now, when he isn’t completely uncaring of everyone around him. Hua Cheng doesn’t care if he’s autistic. He’s pretty sure being a cold bitch isn’t a symptom of that. Maybe he’s perceiving it wrong though? He’s got no clue.

Anyway, it’s not his issue whether some guy in his school is autistic or not. Of course, yes, He Xuan isn’t as bad as others make him out to be, but he still rubs Hua Cheng the wrong way a bit. It’s his issue now, though, because is pulling out the art class textbook right next to him – a safe distance between them, He Xuan voluntarily sitting at the far edge of the table – and then grabbing his pencil case, too.

And his water colour case.

And scissors.

And also a fish-shaped eraser, but that follows with the longest look of gloom on his face possible.

They don’t say a single word to each other until the teacher walks in. Hua Cheng eyes him suspiciously. He Xuan eyes him suspiciously back.

Hua Cheng isn’t scared of him anyway, no. He just isn’t fond of him because he’s not fond of anyone at all. He’d much rather sit on his own most of the time, like in middle school.

His moms are kind of concerned about him being lonely or whatever, but Hua Cheng kind of doesn’t care a lot, if he’s honest.

There’s only one person he needs in life.

(Two, if he counts Shi Qingxuan, whom he does miss a lot too, actually.)

The teacher comes in and greets them. They greet her back. He Xuan keeps staring at his fish eraser like it’s killed him in a past life, like it’s – Hua Cheng doesn’t know – exchanged his fucking fate with someone else’s or whatever, leading to his downfall. Maybe the fish did just that, given He Xuan looks like he’s about to stab it with a pencil.

For the next twenty minutes, the teacher gives the usual introduction. She explains the textbook, what utensils they’ll need when, and roughly what they’re going to do this year, but that of course there’s some freedom. She explains that there will be a theoretical written exam at the end of the year too, now that they’re in high school. Fine by Hua Cheng. Probably fine by He Xuan, too, except Hua Cheng wouldn’t know, because he’s still looking all devastated, for some reason.

And here Hua Cheng thought it couldn’t get worse than at that funeral. It’s not worse exactly, but He Xuan clearly isn’t doing well.

After they get assigned a small task – probably just for the teacher to judge their abilities – He Xuan doesn’t really get better, either. They’re told to draw something they like. Anything, really. Hua Cheng decides to go for a butterfly because he’s not going to draw Xie Lian. That’d just be awkward. He’s expecting He Xuan to draw a fish, but he’s not moving his pencil at all. Instead, he just stares at his blank piece of paper like it’s put him into prison.

And, honestly?

Hua Cheng starts getting concerned. What is it about He Xuan that makes him concerned, of all things, when he never really cares about anyone else at all? Why does he care about this guy? Sure, they’ve seen each other around for a good time now. Nearly a decade, he supposes, since he moved here as a little kid. But they weren’t close at all.

…Dear god. Hua Cheng hasn’t seen Xie Lian in nearly a decade now. He remembers, sometimes, when he went to go see his moms for a nightmare, back when he was smaller, since they’d told him he could do that. He remembers hearing them talk through the door before stepping inside, even speaking about how they were still trying to find Xie Lian, but he just wasn’t in any phone books, and his parents’ company seemed to have changed names or dissolved or something, at a later point. He remembers them rambling about how he hasn’t mentioned him in a while – maybe he’s forgotten. Maybe he needs a new friend.

Hua Cheng didn’t feel hurt by that. Or, well, in a way, he did. He can’t forget Xie Lian. But he doesn’t blame him moms for thinking that way. Normal people probably would forget. Just so happens that he’s not normal.

Either way, Xie Lian aside, the one who’s in front of him right now is He Xuan, sadly, who isn’t doing his task.

Hua Cheng is concerned. There’s only one way to take care of this issue. He’ll have to ask.

“…Are you okay?” are the words he chooses, in the end. Simple and understandable and hopefully words that He Xuan can’t misinterpret in any way, because that’d just be awkward.

He Xuan’s head flies around to him at suddenly being addressed, the pen in his hand, still not having touched paper, trembling ever so slightly.

He opens his mouth, face hardening in what seems is going to be a sarcastic remark like the ones he usually gives people these days, but none of that.

No, instead, his eyes glitter, weirdly enough. Shit. Is he going to cry?

And just like that, He Xuan leaves his seat and storms out of the room.

The rest of the class follows him with their gazes, including Hua Cheng and the teacher. All of them watch as he leaves, and some of them even gape.

“Is he okay?” the teacher asks, and of course she asks Hua Cheng, because he’s seated next to him, looking like they’re friends or something.

And so, wanting to leave a first good impression on the most important teacher in his life given that he’s most likely going to study art at university, Hua Cheng smiles.

“I don’t know. We don’t really know each other. I’ll go after him anyway, though, excuse me.”

And with that, he leaves his nearly-done butterfly abandoned, and darts out of the room after He Xuan. The issue is just, he’s gone by now.

Hua Cheng goes around the hallway once, but nothing, and the door connecting this hallway to the schoolyard, when pushed open, doesn’t reveal him, either. He’s just kind of gone.

Then, it hits Hua Cheng. Where do emo high schoolers go to cry?

Right.

The bathroom.

And so, he takes a deep breath, makes his way over to the toilets, and indeed hears sniffling. It stops as soon as he comes in, but he hears it well enough.

“He Xuan,” he says, “I know you’re in there. The teacher got worried and sent me.”

Not exactly what happened, but He Xuan doesn’t need to know that, lest he assumes Hua Cheng cares. Which he doesn't.

No response. Hua Cheng finds the closed door and sees his shoes.

“I know you’re here you idiot. Literally just tell me what’s wrong, what’s the big deal? I’ve seen you crying before. Your family’s fine?”

“Yes!” he says, and then, the quiet admittance. “…No.”

Of course. Hua Cheng should’ve known this is family related, because not even when he got so violently bullied that one time did He Xuan shed a single tear. However, he’s crying now, so something is very clearly wrong.

“What’s happened?” he asks, and he feels like maybe He Xuan is at a breaking point or something, because he does answer him, all of a sudden.

“My fish died.”

His-

His fucking fish died, because of course it did. Hua Cheng should’ve known. He really should have known that He Xuan considers his fish family, and that one of them died, because what else would it be with the guy, if not a fish? Right. Hua Cheng did see the rest of He Xuan’s family when he was at the supermarket yesterday. Of course things can happen spontaneously, like accidents and the like, but he could’ve still guessed that it’s probably unrelated to his (human) family.

Yet, he can’t exactly judge him for it, can he? Fish are still pets. He Xuan especially would still love them, in a way, even if Hua Cheng doesn’t get it.

And so, even if Hua Cheng is kind of an asshole himself by now, and he could very well make fun of He Xuan for this (he might, later down the lane), he decides to play nice now.

“Do you… want to talk about it?” he asks through the door.

His first reaction is another sniff. He Xuan very much isn’t well, and Hua Cheng can tell as much, even if he can’t magically see through the white-paneled door.

“I don’t know what about,” he says, his voice crooked and broken.

“I don’t know, either, you tell me. Look, my job is to get you back into the classroom, so if crying about your shitty fish helps, then let’s just get it over with. I’m missing out on my favourite class for you right now, so you better hurry up.”

So much to wanting to play nice.

Hua Cheng really tried, okay?

“You’re a piece of shit,” comes the reply, but then another rattled little breath. Clearly, he’s starting to give up. “…I got my aquarium with my own money. My fish too. I worked for them, and I got it a year ago, but now one of them died.”

“Well. That’s kinda just what living beings do,” Hua Cheng says, entirely not sure how the hell to comfort someone who’s just lost his pet fish.

“If you could stop saying mean shit!” He Xuan hisses, which sounds angry instead of sad. Hua Cheng calls that a win – better angry than sad, right? That always helps dealing with grief for him, at least. For example, he can just be angry at himself for having the world’s most awful handwriting instead of being sad about missing the love of his life. Perfect gameplan, no problems to be found at all.

“Right, right,” Hua Cheng says, “alright, go on.”

“…His name was Blubby.”

Hua Cheng cannot help himself by all that’s holy. He lets out a loud snort, and whatever chuckles want to follow, he barely manages to suppress. He ends up trying to stifle them with his hand in front of his mouth, but it doesn't exactly do a lot.

“My little sister named them!” He Xuan shouts in self-defense, which does make sense. He Xuan seems like the type of person to name fish after emo bands or something instead. ‘Blubby’ is much too non-emo for it to be a He Xuan-given name.

“Right. Your little sister,” Hua Cheng says again. “Right.”

“I swear to- you’re insufferable. Literally just leave!”

“Not without you,” Hua Cheng says knocking on the bathroom door. “Come on out, I’m not gonna judge you for crying.”

“You’ve been judging me the whole time.”

“Oh, yeah, but not for crying specifically,” Hua Cheng corrects He Xuan, and the door does indeed open right after. Not just the door, but also Hua Cheng’s mouth as he’s punched square in the face.

Not too hard, not to leave any trace of it at least, but it still fucking hurts.

“Now I feel better,” He Xuan says, and Hua Cheng confusedly raises his hand to his own cheek instead of punching He Xuan right back. His mom’s wouldn’t like that, and he knows that if he let his anger take control right now, he’d end up punching He Xuan hard enough to break his nose, too. He’d not have the high ground here, because he wouldn’t have proof of He Xuan hurting him. Who’d believe him?

Certainly not his moms, no matter how much they love him, and no matter how much Hua Cheng loves them, too.

“You…” he starts, but He Xuan only glares at him.

“Shut up. You are not good at comforting someone.”

“In my defense, I was trying!” Hua Cheng barks back, while He Xuan awkwardly walks to the sink and starts to wash his face. There are a lot of tears on it, to be fair. He did cry. Some stains of salt from where tears dried onto his skin. The corners of his eyes are red.

He does look pretty miserable.

“Your attempt was piss-poor,” He Xuan grumbles back, splashing water into his face, “even I could do better.”

“Pfft, I want to see that.”

“I have a little sister, what use would I be if I wasn’t able to comfort her? Who are you comforting, your imaginary friends?”

“Oh, you-“ Hua Cheng starts, but tries his absolute hardest to not lose it completely. There’s no point in it. He has to retain the upper hand here, even if this is kind of hitting home a little bit too much, given that Hua Cheng was never the one to comfort Xie Lian – it was always the other way around.

It won’t be, in the future. He swears. Once he sees him again, once he finally finds him, Hua Cheng is going to be the one comforting him, and he’ll be good at it.

“Whatever,” he says in the end, “get fixed up. I’ll go piss in the meantime. I promised to take you back, and you owe me one for back then, so you’ll wait for me and we’ll tell the teacher that I went to fetch you and you just felt sick or whatever, but you’re good now. I’m gonna study art at university, so you’ll have to play along, because I need this teacher to like me.”

“Ugh. Fine,” He Xuan says, grabbing some paper towels to dry himself off, “but only this once, and then, the debt is clear. Yes?”

“Yes,” Hua Cheng says, walking back to the toilets and throwing a perfect smile at He Xuan. “The debt will be lifted after that, Fishboy.”

“I swear to god, one more word out of your useless mouth, and I’ll stop playing along.”

“Whatever you say,” Hua Cheng laughs, and locks himself into a stall.

Whatever the hell He Xuan says. It’s not like they’ll make friends just because they sit together in art class, anyway.

Chapter 35: Art&Dogs: Chapter 7

Notes:

do u know how hard i worked on thes shitty fckign social media usernames becaes i wanted them to be REALLY 2010s core LMAO

also i GENUIENLY dont know wtf i was goign through writign that chapter but whiel proof-reading i swear to FUCK every other mf line had a grammar mistake???? i tried to weed them all out if there's any mroe i'm so sorry. i think impostor jack must've written this one. i fear impostor jack's english may not be the best,

Hua Cheng has found him. He’s found him, he’s found him, he’s found him for fuck’s sake.

He’s found Xie Lian on social media. He’s found his account. It took so long to get here. He’s been actively trying ever since he got a phone, and he figured that Xie Lian is now also in high school – should be the same year as Hua Cheng, since he did skip a class in the end. Surely he’d have a social media account in high school, right?

Hua Cheng started by looking through accounts of classmates him and Shi Qingxuan talked about back in the day whom he was able to find much more easily; luckily, Hua Cheng still remembered their names. Or not so luckily at all, because effectively, it didn’t really help. They didn’t lead him to Jun Wu either, who was also incredibly hard to find.

So, Hua Cheng’s search was fruitless, at first. Until he remembered that Xie Lian was very into his cat back in the day, so he figured eh, he’ll just go through every single animal shelter in the entire country.

He did. Hua Cheng motherfucking committed. If that makes him a stalker, then you know what? He doesn’t even give a single shit. He found him, he found him, he fucking found him.

Follower lists however didn’t really wield results.

Later, he’d find out that it’d be because Xie Lian didn’t have a profile picture at the time. He does now, as he can see, but he found some screenshots on his account of his own account, a changes throughout the past two years sort of deal, and he just didn’t have a profile picture. Well, so, yeah – Hua Cheng didn’t find him that way.

A few weeks ago – after taking a short break after having gotten into high school and art class twice a week with He Xuan next to him of all things is tiring him the fuck out – he then decided, alright.

Animal shelters were his only lead.

Hua Cheng thus scrolled through all of their posts in a very, very desperate hope.

He found a cat. He thought the cat’s name was stupid, so he clicked on the post. He thought to himself, ‘damn, who the hell would name their cat Volleyball of all things’ and he has never been happier that some fucking idiot called their cat Volleyball. Under the post, he scrolled the comments, mostly just people laughing about the name. One was a comment with a picture attached by her new owners; gay couple, actually. Hua Cheng likes that, even if he’s not very partial to animals himself. He’s partial to the queers, though, in a way. He cares more about them than about others, at least, even if it isn’t a lot.

A few more comments, down, and someone nicknamed ‘Xxarcherylover9000xX‘ commented that he doesn’t appreciate the name insults. Clearly, that’s the idiot who named her and found her, probably.

Below, however.

Below that idiot that Hua Cheng couldn’t give less of a flying fuck about.

The profile picture. He saw him. He thought to himself: wait a second. He looks familiar. ‘Liv3xlaughxluv’ as an @ was mildly…

Well.

Hua Cheng has no idea what to think of that one.

Either way – he saw the small profile picture and he looked familiar.

So, Hua Cheng ended up clicking on his profile, barely able to believe it, barely able to even so much as hope for it to be true. And yet, when he clicked, it was the jackpot.

It was Xie Lian.

The profile picture became bigger, and it showed Xie Lian with Ruoye on his shoulder. Of course he looks different now; his face isn’t quite as round, even though still clinging to baby fat and an air of childishness. His nose is more angled, his eyes even kinder, his hair much longer than it was when he was still a child, tied up into a ponytail at the back, half draped over his shoulder together with that cat that Hua Cheng still knows all too well.

He looks different, but he still looks just the same.

Hua Cheng can’t believe he found him.

Then, he just continued scrolling his profile. All of his posts. It wasn’t particularly many. His account is only two years old, and he seems to have gotten it because of that archery guy – but he has a heart and a date in his bio, and Xie Lian doesn’t, and also they're different initials from Xie Lian’s, so Hua Cheng is pretty positive they’re not dating. Which, good.

He’ll get to escape killing a guy for a bit longer, but if he ever hears about the archery guy commenting something even just a little weird on his posts, then he doesn’t even know.

There was one picture of just three pairs of feet in different shoes. Hua Cheng was pretty sure the white trainers must belong to Xie Lian, and archery dude looks about as stupid and straight as they come, in that one wonky picture he has uploaded onto his account, so the ugly brown worn-out trainers are probably his. The other pair of shoes was black leather shoes like an elementary school boy would wear. On them was a tag, but it just led to a random account with no profile picture, locked, with only five followers on it.

Xie Lian probably made friends with an emo kid, just like Hua Cheng is being forced to make friends with an emo kid right now.

Needless to say, Hua Cheng hates Xie Lian’s new friends, and he literally hasn’t even met them.

But none of that matters for now, because he’s found Xie Lian, and what could be more important than that? Hate can wait until later. Now’s not the time. Now is for scrolling through Xie Lian’s account again and again and drawing every single picture he can find, commit his now older face to memory.

God, he’s so in love. Xie Lian is so beautiful. He’s ethereal, even. Hua Cheng doesn’t know what to do with himself. It’s Sunday. It’s been seven hours since he’s found that account, and he’s done literally nothing else this entire time, apart from scrolling and daydreaming and giggling, and then scrolling and daydreaming and giggling some more.

Hua Cheng has not a single clue what to do with himself.

His thumb is just about to go on its next tour of Xie Lian’s few posts when the doorbell very violently rips him out of this.

Shit. Did he have plans today?

Fuck. He has plans today.

Hua Cheng looks at his phone, and opens that one picture of Xie Lian grinning next to Jun Wu on one of his birthdays, leans down towards his phone, and kisses it. It’s not like anyone else is here to see him do it, so he doesn’t give a single shit.

If it’s cringe, then so be it. Hua Cheng can kiss a photo of the love of his life on his phone screen if he so desires.

Sadly, though, he knows that he does have plans today. He’d much rather cancel them, but then he’d have to explain, but he knows damn well that this person wouldn’t take a lie from him, because shit.

He Xuan is weirdly perceptive, actually. Not exactly what Hua Cheng’s mother told him about what being autistic is all about, but Hua Cheng supposes everyone is different. He Xuan, these days, seems very acutely tuned into people’s actions and reactions, able to read pretty much every single person. Hua Cheng would rather not be read himself though, and so, he stuffs his phone back into his pocket.

…And takes it out again to kiss it once more, and then let it glide into the pocket of his jeans for good, before making his way downstairs. It’s okay. He can excuse himself to the bathroom at one point to go look at the picture again, if he wants to. Not like ‘wanting’ is the right verb here at all. It’s more ‘needing’ to look at Xie Lian again as soon as he possibly can.

Yet, he loyally goes to the door and opens it even before his mothers can, and immediately spots the fucking fish-obsessed freak who Hua Cheng – for some reason that surely indicates the universe hates him – got assigned an art project with.

The teacher did believe him to be a good guy after looking after He Xuan, once they came back after that first art class. The issue is just that she believed it a little bit too much, and now strongly also believes that Hua Cheng and He Xuan are best friends. Therefore, when she went ahead to assign the project, not always going table-by-table, which would still excuse her, she chose both of them to work together. Hua Cheng thinks that life hates him. Hua Cheng thinks he hates life back, actually.

Yet, nothing to be done. He wants a good grade. He wants to keep the good impression he had on her, apparently, because he needs the good grades in art.

The other subjects, too, obviously – the better your grades are, the easier you get into university programs. Hua Cheng has also started doing commissions now, and reading up on art history and all of that. On top of that, he’s got a proper art account and is working on a website to make commissions easier. The other day, he got commissioned by the local riding stable to draw a few advertisements, since they’d seen Hua Cheng’s horse drawings that he did for class the other day and that were put up outside of the school. They must have a kid at school or something and typed his name into the internet. He’s been working on that.

He thinks he’ll have to get into university, one way or another. And once he is, he’ll also work part-time, make his own money, and go see Xie Lian, no matter what university he’s at.

Once he’s gotten the guts to message him.

…Probably not today or anytime soon. Seeing just how beautiful Xie Lian is made Hua Cheng realize all the more acutely how ugly and imperfect he still is, so he’d rather give it some more time. Give himself some more space to grow, so that he can be even just a tiny bit worthy of meeting Xie Lian.

“Hi,” He Xuan says, already walking in.

“Shoes off,” Hua Cheng commands.

“I was about to,” he grumbles, wiping them on the carpet first, and then standing on it while he takes them off, neatly aligning them at the door.

“Ah, Xuan-er, we heard you two had an art project together!” Hua Cheng’s mother chimes in from behind him, suddenly appearing there. “You staying over for dinner, too?”

God, no, Hua Cheng thinks to himself. Everything but He Xuan interrupting his mealtimes. Every time he sees him eat at school, it’s so-

Hua Cheng doesn’t know. He doesn’t like seeing him eat. He eats way too fast and way too much and it can’t possibly be good. That’s all he knows. Not his issue, though.

“No,” He Xuan says, “my dad is cooking. We’ll just be working on the project, and then I’ll go home. We still have a week, so a few hours should be enough.”

That is true. Hua Cheng hopes so, anyway. They do work fast, at least, and He Xuan is actually pretty decent at drawing and crafting things and all of that.

At least he won’t be stuck hanging out with He Xuan for much longer after this, he supposes.

“Ah, I see, I see! Well, either way, you’re always welcome here! I’ll get you some snacks anyway. Hong, be so nice and-“

“Mom.”

“Hong?” He Xuan asks, raising an eyebrow at him, the phantom of a grin in his face. Hua Cheng desperately wants to punch him, and maybe he will, once they’re in his room, where his mothers can’t see.

“Ah- sorry, sorry, it slipped out,” she says. “Hua Cheng, be so nice and come choose something, alright? Ah, Xuan-er, you too, of course. Both of you, just come with me for a second, I’ll get you fixed up with food.”

So, after five minutes of them getting a crapton of snacks that probably not even He Xuan can finish, they’re up in Hua Cheng’s room.

“Damn. You’re actually good at art,” Hua Cheng says, pointing at his walls, as soon as he walks into the room.

What the fuck? An open and honest compliment from He Xuan about his skill? That’s crazy. Hua Cheng kind of feels like he’s living in a parallel universe right now, if he’s honest. He gives a little sigh and sits down on his bed, their art project – a large-scale collage on a piece of wood that He Xuan cut out and sanded – in front of it. They’ll have to work on the floor.

“And you couldn’t tell, after we’ve been in art class for a month now?”

“…You suck,” He Xuan concludes in the end, then walks over to his desk. “What’s that?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“Hong-“

“Shut the fuck up.“

“-why is there a cactus wearing a cowboy hat on your desk?”

“His name is Steve. Don’t judge him.”

He Xuan turns back around to him, and just stares at him, clearly judging both Hua Cheng and Steve the Cactus.

“What? He looked cool, so I bought him,” Hua Cheng says, throwing his arms up in defense, completely helpless. What else does He Xuan want to hear? That Stever was desperately looking for a new home, so the only thing Hua Cheng could do is take in this stray cactus? It’s a plant, not a cat, goddamnit. It wasn’t even named Steve until a few seconds ago, he just wants to take the piss out of He Xuan because it’s fun to do so.

“…Let’s just get to work,” He Xuan grumbles in the end, looking like he’s not enjoying himself very much. However, then, his gaze falls on the snack basket in Hua Cheng’s lap, and disregarding the slight awkwardness of it being in Hua Cheng’s lap, He Xuan grabs a chocolate bar and a small package of gummy bears from it to eat both at the same time. Hua Cheng doesn’t even know what to say.

“Yeah,” he sighs, in the end, because they do in fact not really have another choice, and he’d also rather just get this over with if possible. So, Hua Cheng slides from his bed down onto their floor and gets out his glue stick.

It’s not like they have a choice in this.

It’s not like they want to make friends.

 

*

 

After five hours of very scarce conversation and consistent work (apart from toilet breaks during which Hua Cheng kisses Xie Lian’s face on his phone), they are almost done. Well, they still have two classes, so they can easily finish it then and sit around for the remainder of the time, if needed. They say goodbye, which is… strangely enough, an amiable goodbye, since they’ve been working together so well over the past few hours.

They go to school again, and the teacher compliments them.

A week later, they get the best grade possible, even if Hua Cheng couldn’t give less of a shit (at the same time, he gives a lot of shits actually) about that, given he’s found Xie Lian again.

Who he hasn’t messaged yet.

Who he won’t message for a while, but that’s okay, because his life could… be worse, actually? He may not be worthy of messaging Xie Lian yet, but he thinks he’s doing somewhat well. Suddenly getting along sort of okayish with He Xuan, after he saw Steve the cactus with a cowboy hat, isn’t half-bad.

Hua Cheng would rather not think about that before he makes himself feel sick. He’d much rather just kiss Xie Lian again. Through his screen.

One day, he might be allowed to do it for real. He’ll keep hoping, even if he barely dares to.

Chapter 36: Art&Dogs: Chapter 8

Notes:

i have like no time. to say anythign cuz im off to a friends bday. but. just know author is going through it once more

“Why are you here?”

“We agreed to meet up, you fucking dipshit,” Hua Cheng says, staring at He Xuan, who’s also staring back at him in return, standing in the door to his house, his little sister behind him, peeking at him. Which looks a little ridiculous, given she’s already nine years old, certainly not a toddler, and also tall as hell for her age. She should not be as shy as she is right now. Especially since she has seen Hua Cheng around for years by now. There is no reason He Xuan should be acting like Hua Cheng is trying to kill his little sister right now.

“Leave.”

“We agree to meet up, you fucking dipshit!” Hua Cheng repeats, very actively just pushing He Xuan out of the way of his own door, and barging into their flat. He Xuan’s sister lets out a little squeak, but Hua Cheng ignores it, and very casually gets rid of his shoes right then and there. He Xuan asked him to come over. For no reason other than to introduce Hua Cheng to his fucking fish because ugh, fine, those few art project sessions they had were kind of fun, alright?

So, Hua Cheng ended up saying yes, because whatever. Sure. He’ll meet up with the emo fish guy so he can introduce him to all of his emo fish that give him his name. Well, the fish are probably not going to be very emo. And now, he’s trying to throw him out again?

Oh, not with Hua Cheng. He refuses.

“Hong.”

Hua Cheng whips around at that, pulling off one of his shoes in the entranceway still. He throws it at He Xuan, who catches it, and instantly grimaces.

“Your feet smell grim.”

“It’s summer! I’ve been outside for hours! I can rub my bare fucking feet in your face if it makes you any happier!”

“What, you into that?”

Only if it’s Xie Lian, he thinks, but knows better than to voice that, partly because He Xuan would probably never let go of that, and also because He Xuan doesn’t even know who Xie Lian is, and he definitely doesn’t deserve to know who he is, either. Hua Cheng would rather die than tell this guy.

Except.

Well.

He Xuan really isn’t that bad at all.

He throws his shoe back at him, but Hua Cheng also catches it, and puts them next to each other, although not in a perfectly parallel way. Just to fuck a little with He Xuan. Hua Cheng knows by now that he hates that.

“Fine. Come in.”

Hua Cheng comes in. He Xuan closes the door behind them, and then looks at his sister.

“You. Say ‘hello’, you’re not five anymore.”

His tone is a little harsh, and it’s clearly meant as a scolding, but gentleness and softness drips through every single word of it regardless. He really loves his sister. Anyone can tell. Hua Cheng knows that he really loves his parents, too.

“Either way, I just made lunch, so sit down before it gets cold,” he says, and Hua Cheng can only give a confused nod, before he’s suddenly seated opposite of He Xuan and his sister – who still hasn’t greeted him at all, only looking at him with big eyes.

Hua Cheng receives a big ladle of mango curry over rice and chicken. He blinks. Okay, he knew He Xuan can cook, but this looks and smells divine.

He takes his chopsticks and gingerly takes a bite of the curry with one of the chicken strips and a few grains of rice, as He Xuan and his little sister area already just eating like nothing could disturb them.

He Xuan eats at record speed, as always. His little sister eats normally, though, and much less noisily, always looking up at him from beneath her stupidly long eyelashes. Hua Cheng also has long eyelashes, and he wears glasses in the evening, so he just hopes that He Xuan’s little sister will never need glasses. There’s nothing more annoying than having long eyelashes and have them brush against your glasses with every damned blink if you don’t want to wear them only half-way down your nose.

It tastes… really good, actually.

So, with gritted teeth, after a few more bites, Hua Cheng can only lower himself.

“…Teach me.”

“What?”

“To cook. You should teach me how to cook. I mean, I can cook, but not like that.”

This must’ve hit some kind of spot, because He Xuan lets his chopsticks sink, voluntarily interrupting his own course of eating for Hua Cheng. Which means a lot. He Xuan stopping while eating means a lot, because he’s not normal about food, but at least this isn’t Hua Cheng’s problem, because they’re not actually making friends or anything like that. They’re- making acquaintances. Yes. That.

“What?” he repeats, still completely dumbfounded.

“I mean it, you bastard!” Hua Cheng hisses. “Just teach me some more cooking if we’re already meeting up anyway, alright? Don’t get me wrong, my moms are way better than you are, but some perspective is never wrong.”

Hua Cheng wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t for the fact that he is planning to become the perfect housewife for Xie Lian one day. Even if Xie Lian doesn’t want him in a romantic sense, he can at least hire Hua Cheng as a maid, in that case. Given he still appears to be very loaded with money, judging by his most recent vacation posts on Instagram including not just a five-star hotel, beaches, expensive alcohol (is it really okay for him to drink at his age? Hua Cheng is kind of worried, he can’t lie), but also a picture of Jun Wu inside of a Gucci store.

Figures, though, for Jun Wu.

Hua Cheng can only aspire to one day be able to own something from Gucci or adjacent expensvie companies.

“You’re asking me…. to teach you how to cook.”

“Yes. And I mean it.”

“What for?”

“Myself, obviously,” Hua Cheng says, but he can see in the look in He Xuan’s eyes that he isn’t believing him for even a single second. However, it’s that which makes hie mien just the tiniest bit softer, in the end. Like he’s thinking of someone he once loved, too. He picks his chopsticks back up and grabs a piece of juicy mango instead.

“Fine,” he says, “and now shut up and eat. You need to meet the fish.”

Right.

Hua Cheng needs to meet the fish. That’s why he’s here, after all. He wonders whether He Xuan sees introducing someone to his fish as some kind of friendship offer. No that they want to make friends, obviously, but Hua Cheng just wonders.

 

*

 

“I can’t believe you have a friend now.”

Both Hua Cheng and He Xuan turn their heads to his little sister as soon as He Xuan has introduced the first fish. His name is Beowulf. Hua Cheng is strongly assuming He Xuan gave him this somewhat edgy name, not his sister.

“What.”

“Well!” she says, giving a small chuckle and then looking both of them up and down as they’re crouching down in front of He Xuan’s aquarium. “I’m just saying! Didn’t you always say that introducing your fish to someone would make them your friend?”

Oh god. Hua Cheng didn’t think he was actually right about that. So this is He Xuan’s line of thought.

Indeed, the man (boy? He’s not really a man yet, is he?) freezes up right then and there.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Yes, you did!” his little sister chuckles, “have you forgotten? I think it was when Miao-er and you were talking about how you’d one day get fish, and you said that! Since we all knew you’ve got real problems making friends.”

And Hua Cheng just can’t help but laugh at the way He Xuan’s eyes go all wide and his mouth falls open as he looks from Beowulf to Hua Cheng, and then from Hua Cheng back to Beowulf, over and over again.

“That’s-“ he says, losing that usual cold façade he’s built up over the years, “that’s not true!”

Yet, his little sister is relentless. From all the tales Hua Cheng has heard from classmates over the years, and also from his own experience with someone who’s a little sister to someone (although Shi Wudu is probably the more obnoxious out of the two), Hua Cheng has a strong feeling that relentlessness is just normal to little sisters.

Makes him kind of glad he never had one. Not even at home, with his original parents.

If he did, his self-esteem probably would be even lower than it already is anyway.

“It is true! I remember it, even if I was young, but I always kept thinking about it, because I was so sad you didn’t have any friends!” she chatters on, not at all the same shy girl from before, when they were having lunch. Hua Cheng suspects she’s probably not shy at all, once she knows you even a tiny sliver. She’s probably deemed him a good guy, now that He Xuan is ‘making friends’ with him. Or, in other words, introducing him to Beowulf.

And the rest, once they’re over this, probably. He Xuan looks very peeved not just at his little sister embarrassing him, but also at being kept from talking about his beloved fish.

In general, Hua Cheng thinks the guy has a lot of love in him, and just an equal amount of trouble showing it to anyone that isn’t his sister.

“I… that didn’t happen,” he says again, a small flush slowly getting to his cheeks after all this time. It makes him look more human, somehow. Of course he’s human in general, Hua Cheng isn’t implying otherwise, but he’s always so pale, he looks more like a ghost than anything else. So horribly skinny, too. Some weight would do well on him. Not that Hua Cheng can judge, in that respect, probably. He’s the epitome of an awkward lanky teenager right now, and no matter how much he wants to hide it below his smart clothes, he knows damn well he can’t. It’s kind of okay when he’s with He Xuan, though, because he has the same kind of lankiness to him.

“It did!”

“It didn’t!”

“It absolutely did, you’re just embarrassed because Hua Cheng’s really nice! Or Hong? Hey, what’s your actual name?”

Hua Cheng isn’t going to throw a shoe at her because first of all there’s no shoe around in He Xuan’s room, but also she’s way too funny for him to be mad at her. He Xuan bullying is something he understands. Well, the non-mean kind, at least. No the punching him in the hallway kind of deal that he usually gets. Hua Cheng gets it. He wasn’t off much better in primary school, after all. Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan were the only ones keeping him going back then.

Not that he had any other choice.

“…Hua Cheng,” he says, “my first friends used to call me Hong, and so do my moms, but I’d prefer it if you didn’t.”

“Alright, Hua Cheng it is, then. Once you’re basically also my big brother, will I get to call you Hong?”

“…We can talk about it then,” he laughs. “Your name was Li, right?”

“Yup!” she says, reaching her hand out to him. Behind Hua Cheng, Beowulf is looking on, releasing a few bubbles here and there. Next to him, He Xuan is still glaring at both him and his little sister.

His gaze holds a warning to both of them. To Hua Cheng, it’s probably ‘don’t you dare get close to my sister in any way or else I’ll have to take off your head’, whereas with her, it’s probably ‘don’t you dare get close enough to him to have him around here and become your brother, I don’t want to spend that much time with him’.

Hua Cheng takes Li’s hand and shakes it once. Her grip is firm, the shyness completely gone now. Maybe she was a bit intimidated by his height. Which, again, ridiculous – she’s immensely tall for a nine year-old, but so is her brother. It probably just makes sense. Besides, girls stop growing earlier, anyway, so she probably doesn’t have that many years left to keep growing. Puberty did get to He Xuan somewhat early, if Hua Cheng remembers the guy’s growth spurts correctly. It’s probably the same case for her.

“Well, it’s nice to get to know you. And your brother, by extension, I guess,” he says, but Li just gives him a cocky grin, too. Now that she’s declared Hua Cheng her basically-brother, she’s apparently using the same ways for him, too. Hua Cheng feels like maybe he has gone wrong in life, after all.

“Nah, you’re already his friend. The fact he’s introducing you to his fish is enough. Anyway, I interrupted you! But I like when Xuan talks about his fish, so he should just continue.”

She keeps her obnoxious little smile the entire time, though, and something very much tells Hua Cheng that she’s saying this to save He Xuan some face. However, she’s doing it so obviously that Hua Cheng himself is easily catching on to it, so she isn’t saving him face at all. Rather, the effect gets perfectly reversed, and instead, she just embarrasses him even more than she already has to begin with.

Hua Cheng has decided he really likes He Xuan’s little sister. If that includes befriending He Xuan, then fine, he’ll take it.

…In fact, now that she’s gotten over her initial shyness, she’s weirdly like Shi Qingxuan, actually. All bubbly and open and happy as soon as anyone makes a friend at all.

Hua Cheng wonders what Miao-er was like, when she was still alive. He Xuan doesn’t talk about her a lot, but he feels like the bubbly kind of personalities compliment He Xuan’s seemingly detached one perfectly. He’s got so much trouble expressing his love, so having people around him that will do it for him, no questions asked, is probably worth a lot.

If Hua Cheng ever finds not just Xie Lian (whom he’s still kissing on his phone screen, and still very actively following, obviously), but also Shi Qingxuan, he’ll make sure to introduce He Xuan to her. Maybe they could make friends, too.

He’s almost certain Shi Qingxuan would like the guy and his fish. She’s very excitable over things that others are excitable about, unless it’s something she really and truly doesn’t care about. Usually, she does, though. And if she cares about the person, then she probably won’t even mind that.

“…Fine,” He Xuan says, in the end, through gritted teeth. “Beowulf is my favourite, though. This one-“

He points at a white and blue guppy with red fins, elegantly gliding through the water.

“-is Lord Darkness of the Underworld Down Below.”

“I named him!” Li exclaims, a large grin on her face, one of her front teeth currently showing, leaving a large gap in between the ones surrounding it. “Isn’t it a great name?”

“Absolutely superb,” Hua Cheng says, and given the annoyed roll of eyes that He Xuan gives him, he realizes that both of them are aware that if He Xuan had been the one to name the fish, Hua Cheng would’ve made fun of him even more relentlessly than Li ever could.

He smiles at He Xuan, and instantly gets punched.

Hmm. Maybe they’re a weirdly good fit, after all.

Chapter 37: Art&Dogs: Chapter 9

Notes:

THEY FINISHED MY STUDENT LOAN APPLIATION AND SENT IT OFF PER POST YESTERDAY .... who could believe this was going to be reality... i feel absolutely positively insane lmfao

“Are you coming over today?”

“No, I have to go pick something up at the post office.”

“I’ll just come with you, then,” Hua Cheng says, gathering up his stuff, “it’s Thursday, which means you’re legally obligated to teach me how to make another one of your dishes.”

“You’re so annoying,” He Xuan sighs, shouldering is schoolbag. “Fine. You’ll pay me accordingly?”

“…Yes.”

Yes, Hua Cheng will buy He Xuan’s school lunch for another week. It’s fair, in a way. School lunches are pretty cheap, and He Xuan pays for the ingredients they use, and also teaches Hua Cheng. He also has to feed his fish, and Hua Cheng is starting to get genuinely attached to the fish, so he doesn’t really mind.

He gets enough pocket money.

(He wonders just how much would be needed to go see Xie Lian. Theoretically, Hua Cheng knows where he lives, from his Instagram. He may have done some stalking on Google Maps. And by ‘some’, he means ‘a lot, nearly every single day’.)

(…Look, Hua Cheng has started drawing every single one of Xie Lian’s Instagram posts in the desperate hope to catch up with that soon so that he can make a folder of just Xie Lian drawings on his laptop, once he’s scanned them or taken photos, for the ones he draws traditionally. He still loves him. He just still loves him so much.)

“Fine. Then, you can come.”

“What’d you order anyway? Or is it just a letter or whatever?”

“…I ordered something,” He Xuan says, just starting to walk out of the classroom, with Hua Cheng close behind him. He Xuan never really announces when he goes anywhere. He just expects Hua Cheng to follow, which is fair. Hua Cheng knows at this point. There’s no need to say anything. It just sincerely isn’t that difficult to understand him at all. He works differently than others do, but certainly not more complicatedly so. In fact, He Xuan’s patterns are much more distinctive than other people’s. That might seem off-putting at first, but Hua Cheng is quickly coming to realize that there’s a weird calmness to it. Yet, He Xuan is also unpredictable at the same time, just because his patterns are different.

It makes him interesting. Amusing. Like some kind of specimen. Hua Cheng feels like he’s also a specimen to He Xuan though, so that’s fine. They’re both specimen to each other.

“What’d you order?”

“…Promise me not to laugh,” he sighs, “I promise there is a reason and I am not buying this for myself.”

“…Go on?” Hua Cheng asks, but he can already feel a grin tugging at his lips at the potential new teasing material he’s going to receive about He Xuan today. Who cares if it isn’t for him? He’d still be the one putting in all the order information and everything. Well, not that any warehouse would truly care, of course. They can’t be fucked with this type of stuff. If Hua Cheng worked in a warehouse, the only time he’d be interested in what order he was packing would be if he saw the name ‘He Xuan’ on it, but given just how many people must work at these places, he highly doubts that’d happen.

“…A pony costume.”

“A- what?”

Hua Cheng gapes very openly at his best friend.

Not that he’d admit to He Xuan that he’s his best friend – and also, uh, his only friend, really. He knows it’s the same for He Xuan. He hates the fact they ended up making friends after all, but on the other side, he’s having a pretty good time with He Xuan, so it’s not like any of that matters.

 

“…Li’s not been doing well, recently. I’ve been… trying really hard to cheer her up, but nothing’s working, so…”

Ah.

Yeah, Hua Cheng did notice that. It’s been a few months now since he got introduced to He Xuan’s fish, and when he’d already thought before that He Xuan and his little sister are really close, truth is that they’re inseparable. You can’t get them off each other. They’re attached by the hip, like they’re scared the other will die at any given time.

It’s not really surprising, given that the person they considered their sister – and more, in He Xuan’s case, probably – died so suddenly.

He Xuan clearly has issues. Just looking at the way he’s eating and treating food in general, you can tell he does. It’s not a surprise that Li has some troubles, too.

“D’you know why? Maybe she had a crush and got rejected or whatever?”

“…No,” He Xuan sighs, “she’s have told me int hat case. I’m really sure. She’s just… been quiet. She hasn’t said much. I only got to look at her phone once, and it just… I figured that she might be bullied.”

Right. She got a phone for her tenth birthday, after constantly begging for it.

“Is someone supervising her phone?”

His moms did that, for a while, actually. He thought it annoying as hell at the time, but now, he’s honestly just kind of grateful. They taught him some basic internet safety and all of that, and made sure he wasn’t being teased in any group chats, and that he’d feel comfortable telling them if he did get teased. The thing is – Hua Cheng would feel comfortable. He just still wouldn’t do it, because he wouldn’t want to bother them. People usually just stay clear of him, especially now that he’s made friends with He Xuan.

That’s great, because Hua Cheng wants to stay clear of people.

Many advantages.

“Yeah,” he says, “but I think she just deletes the messages, honestly, and obviously no one’s ever texted her when our parents saw. And I… understand that she doesn’t want to tell our parents.”

“Hm. I know you do,” Hua Cheng says, “never told them about that time I saved your sorry ass? Even when I low-key got in trouble for breaking this guy’s nose despite it having been a good reason?”

“Shut up. My point is, I bought that to hopefully cheer her up.”

“Valiant effort, and a certain success, because you’ll look utterly ridiculous in a pony suit, He Xuan.”

“I’m fully aware,” He Xuan grumbles, but despite his harsh tone, the corners of his eyes remain soft. Hua Cheng knows just how much he cares about Li. He understands that she doesn’t want to talk about it, so he doesn’t make her. Instead, he just wants to make sure she gets a good laugh.

A good laugh can go a long way. Hua Cheng isn’t the biggest person on laughs. Not on honest ones, anyway. Mostly, it’s his mothers that make him laugh, or Xie Lian when he posts a funny comment here and there. Not a lot, though. He mostly just posts his own stuff.

Strangely enough, Hua Cheng hasn’t found Shi Qingxuan, actually. Her username must be completely unrelated to her name, too.

“Either way, I’ve got to fetch it. Are you coming with me?”

“Yes,” Hua Cheng says, “there’s no way I’m missing you wearing a pony suit.”

 

*

 

And he does not miss it. He’s the one to get started on cooking together with Li, actually, who does seem down. Something is definitely wrong. Hua Cheng wonders whether she would tell them, if only they would ask, but he also knows that if this family is good at anything, it’s communicating.

…Hell knows how both of their kids ended up this way. They probably don’t want to cause trouble to their parents, either, just like Hua Cheng doesn’t want to trouble his mothers any more than he already has. It’s just that for him, that makes sense – for the two of them, it’s just stupid.

Maybe he’s a big old hypocrite. It doesn’t really matter. He’s got Xie Lian, online, at least. That’s all that matters to him. Whatever personal issues he has, they can wait.

“What did he want to teach you today?” she asks, putting on a front, acting like nothing is wrong at all. Hua Cheng sees the cracks around her usually cheerful smile, though. Has seen them for the past few weeks. At least it’s still a rather recent thing; with a bit of luck, whoever is picking on her, if that’s the issue, is going to stop at one point, once they’ve lost interest.

People don’t really lose interest in He Xuan. It’s just that Hua Cheng kind of automatically scares them off.

(It’s the opposite of what He Xuan’s previous only friend did for him, he supposes. She was so nice that no one would dare insult her favourite person. Hua Cheng is apparently just seen as scary. Two very different worlds, but the same effect, so it’s not like it really matters.)

“Just how to make a soup base, kind of.”

“I can make soups!” she says, and does already seem a bit cheered up by the prospect that she can teach someone older than her.

Hua Cheng and He Xuan did go shopping after picking up the parcel, and then put everything into the fridge before Li came home; she’s probably working off that exact assumption, going over to the fridge and grabbing a bunch of soup greens to hand to Hua Cheng, then also handing him a chopping bored and a knife.

“Cream soup or clear broth?”

“Cream soup,” Hua Cheng says, “we were thinking broccoli. I’m not a big fan of tomatoes, except in Bolognese soup.”

Li gives a chuckle, but hen nods.

“You bought frozen broccoli?”

“Yeah, a lot cheaper if you need it in big amounts.”

“True.”

Hua Cheng is a bit sad that this ten-year-old girl already knows enough about finances to be aware of broccoli costing a lot more if you buy it fresh.

(Which isn’t always the case for vegetables, weirdly enough, even if you’d think so.)

“Alright, just chop these up. You’ll mash ‘em anyway, so just be quick about it to save some time,” she instructs him, gets her own chopping bored and knives, and grabs the carrots from the amalgamation of soup greens.

After that, they chop away in silence, right next to each other. They only really communicate when someone needs to wash something, which is assigned to Hua Cheng, because he stands closer to the sink than her, or when he has to hand something back to her after washing.

All the while, Hua Cheng is secretly vibrating on the inside, knowing that any second now, He Xuan will descend the stairs in a full on pony costume. He did manage to squeeze some more information out of He Xuan. It is one of these inflatable ones, and he’s pretty sure that if he listens closely, he can hear the telltale squeak of a foot air pump, which Li probably isn’t noticing because she has no idea what her brother is doing. He did see a picture of it, too, which He Xuan showed him on his phone.

But, lucky for Hua Cheng, he gets the real thing just a few minutes later.

He hears the steps on the stairs being heavier than usual already, which makes a lot of sense, given He Xuan has to navigate stairs while in an inflated pony costume right now.

…He better not fall down and have some sort of accident. Just for his own sake – Hua Cheng would never let him live this shit down, and he has the strong feeling that He Xuan wants to be spared the humiliation of having an ambulance called on him while in a pony suit (and also being laughed at by Hua Cheng).

And then there he is, in the door, in all his glory.

He’s long turned around, so Li has followed him in doing so. Together, they stare at He Xuan in the door, or rather, Mister Fish having transformed into Mister Pony.

He’s a beautiful pony, to be fair. The costume is brown, and very much inflated. Its mane is also made from plastic, and you can just barely make out the small holes in its eyes through which He Xuan must be seeing the world right now. Its snout is really big, and its grin is honestly slightly eery, but that just makes the whole look even more hilarious. The hoofs are properly ugly. It’s a very cheap thing, which is very obvious from its making, but it’s not like that matters.

It was He Xuan’s last resort move to make his little sister laugh, and given her very heavy blinking at her pony-brother, and the mild twitching of the corners of her lips, he’s probably about to succeed splendidly.

And, succeed splendidly, He Xuan does. Li takes a few hasty breaths, like she’s trying her hardest to believe what is right in front of her, and not really succeeding at it.

Then however, the laughter comes, and it does so in large bouts as she walks over to He Xuan and starts shaking his hooves, generally just dancing around him, looking at him from all sides, the largest grin on her face and tears in her eyes.

Whether its tears of just laughter, or tears of that and being touched and being sad that someone went these lengths to make her happy, Hua Cheng doesn’t know, and neither does He Xuan, probably, but her laughter is more than worth it. It’s everything that counts, actually. Everythign that counts is that she’s happy right now, this second, and that whatever she’s sad about – that gloom disappears.

She skirts all around her brother for a long time, who Hua Cheng thinks is probably dying inside of this costume. Whether it’s of heat (he doesn’t think an inflatable pony costume is very comfortable) or of embarrassment, he’s unable to tell, but he’s sure he’s dying anyway.

Yet, something tells him that He Xuan probably doesn’t really mind it, and doesn’t even really mind it when Hua Cheng gives up on trying to hold back his laughter, especially when He Xuan casually steps towards them to help them cook, while still in costume.

It stays on until they eat, and when he finally takes it off, he’s all sweaty and exhausted, but there’s a genuine smile on his face, and Hua Cheng feels like he’s seeing a whole new person this way.

But he knows that first and foremost, he’s just seeing a person with a lot of affection for his little sister inside of him.

Hua Cheng does think that this is a very important part of He Xuan. And so, even if he’s laughing at him, he’s not judging him, and even if he’s going to bully him a bit about this, he won’t make it his main thing.

Even Hua Cheng the asshole isn’t enough of an ass for that.

Chapter 38: Art&Dogs: Chapter 10

Notes:

ive been locking into fic planning for sth for like 2 days now and the thought that theoretically i have to plan the tgcf uni au sequel properly next. ough. oguhh JKADFHJKGAD

Inevitably, Li becomes unable to keep it all inside. Hua Cheng thinks that both him and He Xuan have been anticipating it over the past few weeks already. She’s grown glummer and glummer, and no matter how much He Xuan tried cheering her up with the pony costume and other things, it just wasn’t enough. Honestly, they have more than enough evidence at this point to know she’s definitely being bullied.

No matter how bad he felt about it, He Xuan has apparently been sneaking glances at Li’s phone here and there, whenever she left it lying around open and went to the bathroom or another room. No matter how much she tried to delete all evidence, she didn’t succeed. Once, He Xuan saw a message come in. At least – not that it’s much consolation at all – she’s being bullied by classmates, not online, which means there are actual people to talk to. On top of that, whenever her class ends after He Xuan’s and he goes to pick her up from school, she’s alone, and looking even more down than the rest of the day.

A few days, she’s even stayed home with a stomachache.

Hua Cheng gets it. He also got a stomachache sometimes, back in the day, when he had to go to school. The only thing getting through would always be Xie Lian.

Li doesn’t have a Xie Lian in her life. The closest to that is her brother, but Hua Cheng thinks that it’s not really comparable.

Her and He Xuan are two entirely different people. Hua Cheng would much rather crawl into Xie Lian’s skin and stay there forever, even if he disappears.

…Maybe he’s not completely normal, alright.

It’s another day when they go pick her up from school together, and she seems even more down than usually, than the other days. Her shoulders are slumped, back slung over her shoulder with barely any regard to how it’s still slightly open, which He Xuan very gently scolds her for. He closes it up for her.

Li walks home with them in complete silence, but Hua Cheng and He Xuan just look at each other.

(They’ve kind of come to be able to communicate just a little bit non-verbally, too.)

She looks like she’s about to cry. They both know. She’s not well. She’ll have to talk about it, to someone. Not to them if she doesn’t want to but just- to someone. She needs help.
At least, they need names or something. Something to work with to make sure this stops.

She may not be Hua Cheng’s little sister, but he was kind of like a little sibling to two people once, and now that he’s on the other side of it all, he kind of understands why they were so adamant to protect him.

It’s almost healing, in a sense. That he gets to be the protector now, even if he isn’t the protector of the person he most wishes to protect.

They get to He Xuan’s house, and go inside together. He Xuan says that he’s going to take her stuff, and that Hua Cheng can get to cooking, but Li just kind of stands in the entrance. Once the door falls shut, she breaks.

It was coming, inevitably. They both knew.

That just doesn’t make it any less bad, sadly.

“They’re all mean to me,” she says before anything else. Her voice is still stable, but only for that single sentence. After that, an ugly little sob leaves her mouth, and tears gather in her eyes so fast that Hua Cheng doesn’t even see it happening; he only sees the fat tears running down her cheeks, immediately. He Xuan turns back around to her, right as her shoulders start to shake, and her entire skinny frame soon follows.

She’s lost weight over the past few months, too. Hua Cheng is sure.

“They all hate me,” she sobs, him and He Xuan still standing there, too stunned to do anything, “and I don’t know what I’ve done wrong for them to hate me so much, but they’re always just mean, and I don’t care whether the teachers and my other classmates say they’re just ‘boys being boys’ or some bullshit, they’re still mean…!”

He Xuan is the first to take a step towards her, and it’s the first time that Hua Cheng has seen him properly hugging someone of his own accord, though he's always let his sister do it. His arms quickly wrap around her, all steadfast and secure, and Hua Cheng once more feels like there’s just so much to He Xuan that would make him and Shi Qingxuan such good friends.

Which is a weird thought, truly, but he just feels like they’d click so much. They’re just the kind of people to work together well, he thinks. Shi Qingxuan would love his little sister, too.
Back in the day, she was teased a lot at school too, for being who she is. Even her brother wasn’t particularly fond of it when his little sibling looked more like a girl than a boy again, but he didn’t really say anything, because Shi Qingxuan didn’t say anything.

Hua Cheng can just hope she’s fine now. He can just hope they all came around.

“It’s okay,” He Xuan whispers, while Li starts breaking down properly. She screams and sobs and cries, and He Xuan holds her the entire time, whispering nothing but ‘it’s okay’ the entire time, like it’s all he really knows to say. Maybe it’s the only thing she needs to hear, to be fair. That it’ll be okay. They stopped being mean to He Xuan now, after all. Which is probably thanks to Hua Cheng, but they still stopped, so he knows it gets better. Hua Cheng himself knows it gets better, too.

People – mostly, at least – grow out of it one day. Not necessarily for high school, but their classmates are already a lot better than they were in middle school, so Hua Cheng is sure it can only get better the older they get.

It takes a long while for her to calm down, and when He Xuan lets go of her, the first thing he does is tell Hua Cheng to go get some tissues for her, which he does.

When he comes back, he hands them to Li, who awkwardly starts blowing her nose and dabbing away at her own tears. Mid-way through that, He Xuan just hugs her again, and starts blowing kisses into her hair.

He’s a good big brother.

Hua Cheng feels like he would’ve been okay if He Xuan had been his big sibling together with Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan.

…Which, again, weird thought to have, but oh well. Not as weird as the thoughts he has about Xie Lian, probably.

“Can you tell me what happened, Li? Or what is happening? Please. If not me, then mom or dad, or anyone else. Hua Cheng, if you want. Just anyone. I know you’re unwell.”

“I know,” Li says, sniffling and wiping more of her tears, her arms awkwardly caught between her body, and her big brother’s.

“Anyone is fine,” He Xuan repeats, “but I don’t want you to deal with all of this on your own, do you understand? At least give us the chance to fix it. Help you. You know I’d do anything for you, right?”

She nods again, and Hua Cheng also knows that he isn’t lying.

He Xuan would quite literally do anything for his family. Honestly? Hua Cheng feels like he wouldn’t be above killing someone, either.

It’s probably that which makes them get along so well. In all of their love, they’re fucked up, deep down. There is something they hold higher than anything else in life, and they’re willing to hurt people over it. He Xuan may not know who it is that Hua Cheng loves, but maybe he feels it, in some way.

That they’re both willing to do even things they would usually renounce if the person they loved got hurt.

“They’re just mean to me,” she ends up saying in the end, which makes He Xuan let go of her. Instead, he takes her hand, and he drags her along to the sofa. Hua Cheng follows, sitting down next to them; he does feel a little awkward about it, but he thinks that Li would say it if she didn’t want him here. He Xuan is usually very attuned to her, too, so he can usually tell when something is wrong, but he hasn’t sent him away yet, either.

“Who’s ‘they’?” He Xuan asks in the end.

“Some boys in my class, they’re mean to me.”

“What are they saying? Or doing?” he asks, and Li just lets out another sob.

“They- they call me ugly a lot, that I’m too tall or something, and they call me horrible names, no matter what I wear…!”

He Xuan’s gaze immediately hardens.

“’Wear’?” he asks, and Hua Cheng gulps, too. This isn’t sounding good.

Right. At the end of the day, He Xuan and him are both boys. This hadn’t occurred to them. Of course they can get bullied too, but it’ll be about other things.

“Once when I wore a skirt that was just a bit above my knees, they started calling me horrible stuff about it, and I didn’t really want to give in, so I just- so I kept wearing it, but it got worse and worse, and it was such bad stuff, I really don’t want to repeat it, but…”

“You don’t have to,” He Xuan says, “I can… imagine what kind of comments it was.”

To hell with this all. Li is ten. Ten. Those boys are also ten if they’re from her class, and eleven at most. What the fuck is wrong with them? Where have they even picked up such stuff? In a way, Hua Cheng is concerned even for them, because surely this can’t be normal? Like, who taught them this kind of shit? Sadly, though, no matter what they’re going through, that still doesn’t make it okay what they’re doing to Li about it, who’s got absolutely nothing to do with that.

He Xuan seems to be thinking the same thing, because he casts Hua Cheng another small look.

They’ll have to talk to someone about this. If not Li’s parents, then the teachers, or the parents of the boys. Not just for Li’s sake.

…Maybe Hua Cheng’s moms, if nothing else helps. Li likes them a lot, so he’s sure she wouldn’t mind telling them.

“Did they… try anything?”

Li seems to understand what He Xuan is getting at. Hua Cheng can only assume her parents have educated her properly about these things.

“No,” she sobs,” but they keep saying it, and sometimes- sometimes they hurt me.”

“What do they do?”

Hua Cheng can hear the small tremble in He Xuan’s voice, and sees a light flit across his eyes that very much just confirms what he’s always known. He Xuan is absolutely willing to kill a bitch if necessary.

“They pushed a door into my back once, and it hurt really bad for days…! And they- they keep throwing stuff at me, and sometimes it’s somewhat heavy stuff, and they made fun of me when I wore a tighter top the other day but no- bra or anything…!”

She’s ten, for fuck’s sake. Hua Cheng is absolutely sick of this all. Clearly, He Xuan is, too, because he takes in a very deep breath.

“You know they’re not in the right to say or do any of this, right?”

“Yes,” she sobs, “I tried telling the teachers about it, and my friends, but now they got scared that they’ll be picked on next, so I’ve just been alone, and the teachers only said that they’re just ‘boys being boys’ or some nonsense like that, and they talked to them, but nothing’s changed…!”

She sounds so broken and done for, and honestly, Hua Cheng sees why. He may never have gotten comments of the sort. He can’t understand what it’s really like. But, at the least, he can see what it’s like, and it’s not good.

“So, they did nothing, basically?”

She shakes her head.

“…Li, we need to do something about this. They can’t keep doing this. We’ll have to tell someone. Is it okay if I tell mom and dad? Or would you rather I go see your teachers and the boys?”

“…It’s fine,” she mumbles, “I was trying to keep it quiet, but I can’t. I can’t. I don’t feel well, and I feel unsafe, and I don’t want to go to school anymore, and I hate it so much…! I don’t blame my friends, because I know they just don’t know what to do, but I miss them too…!”

Yeah.

She’s right. They’re also just kids. If they were older teenagers, they might be able to stand up for her, but like this, they’re just a bunch of scared kids. Li is more the brave kind than the rest of them, probably. The fact she’s talked to the teachers before probably means a lot.

“Okay,” He Xuan says, wrapping an arm around her. “We’ll take care of it, okay? You don’t have to worry anymore. We’ll take care of it. You don’t have to go to school tomorrow if you don’t want to.”

“But I don’t want them to win…!”

“This isn’t about winning, Li. Do you want to go to school tomorrow? Honestly and really?”

She looks like she’s about to nod first, but like she can’t actually bring herself to do it. So, in the end, she shakes her head.

“Okay,” He Xuan says, stroking some hair out of her face. “Then you don’t have to go.”

“Okay,” she mumbles, sinking more against her big brother, her eyes and cheeks horribly red by now.

“…We’ll take care of it, Li, I promise. We’ll just have to eat some food first, and then you can tell us their names, and then we can get to it, alright? I’ll talk to your teachers tomorrow, if mom and dad don’t have the time because of work, but I’m sure they’ll make time. They haven’t used sick days for us this year yet, so they should both still have some.”

Hua Cheng is entirely convinced that He Xuan’s parents will definitely take a sick day for their daughter getting bullied. God, this all sucks. He hates this, a lot. He can’t imagine what it’s like to have these things said to you. of course that’s for the better. He just wished she didn’t have to hear them, either.

“I’ll get to cooking,” he says, because really, that’s the only thing he can do now. “You’ve taught me enough. Watch me do it even better than you, He Xuan.”

That does make a very tiny smile appear on Li’s face.

“…Are you going to cook in a horse costume, too?” she asks, and Hua Cheng can only smile at her, hoping that it conveys annoyance, but in a way that she knows isn’t serious.

“I’m not going to be a horse. That’s reserved for He Xuan. I’ll do my best, though. Good food can almost fix you, after all.”

 

*

 

“It’s not better than Ge’s,” she mumbles after a few bites, “but it’s still good.”

A few more tears leak from her eyes, but Hua Cheng feels like these are tears of relief now. That’s a good sign. Li deserves to be taken care of. it’s good she knows that – unlike her big brother, who clearly doesn’t. For some reason, He Xuan thinks he doesn’t deserve to be taken care of. He’ll get what’s coming for him one day, though.

Unlike usually, He Xuan barely eats anything this time. He empties his plate, but it was only a normal portion.

Hua Cheng wonders whether it’s because he doesn’t want to add more worry to the family.

 

*

 

It’s two in the morning when Hua Cheng sneaks out of the house with the fuel he got at a gas station, saying it’s for his mom’s car. He specifically got it at the gas station a town over after taking his bike there, just so that no one would recognize him. He Xuan meets him at the park, like they’d agreed – a little way from their house, and in darkness, away from any sort of lanterns that might stay on during the night. He hands it over to him, and He Xuan receives it with a little nod, the box of matches rustling in his pocket a little when he moves.
Hua Cheng knows there’s gloves in his pockets, too.

“You swear you won’t set their houses on fire?” Hua Cheng asks, and He Xuan just gives him a small glare.

“Obviously not. I don’t want them dead. Their letter boxes are all rather far away from their houses, and I checked that there’s no lattice next to them, either. They’re all in front of the street, but luckily, they’re all wood, or just painted. They’ll burn splendidly. I’ll even make sure to put some stones around the grass so it can’t spread. Either way, they’ll smell it’s an oil fire, just throw a few blankets over it, call the firefighters, whatever. No one’s going to get hurt. they’ll notice fast enough.”

“…Okay,” Hua Cheng says, not entirely sure this is as foolproof of a plan as He Xuan thinks it is, but whatever. Surely they’ll know it was him, if this happens the night after Li tells them?

Not like they’ll be able to prove it, if He Xuan goes to take a train to the next city over and deposes of it all in a random trashcan like he’s planning to. They probably won’t think that he even thought as far as going some place else to get rid of all his stuff, and whatever poor conductor gets the night shift probably has other issues on hand than a random teenager on their train at night.

Honestly, the only thing that still makes He Xuan look like a teenager is his acne, but if he wears a mask, they literally won’t know he’s not that old.

“No one is going to get hurt,” He Xuan repeats, “I just want them to get a good scare. Also, I did research, and even if they catch me, which they won’t, most I can get is a community order. It’s on impulse, I’m a teenager who’s autistic and mentally ill per record, and they bullied my little sister. Nothing but the letterboxes is going to be harmed. Just a little scare, really.”

“…Alright,” Hua Cheng acquiesces in the end, “but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you if anything goes wrong.”

“Nothing will go wrong, I’ll be good at this.”

Good at what? Crime?

“Alright. Sorry, but I won’t help you further than that.”

“Hm. I know. It doesn’t matter, I can do this on my own.”

And with that, He Xuan shoulders the plastic bag that Hua Cheng put the fuel into, and turns to leave.

“…Hua Cheng?”

“Hm?”

“…I hate to say it, but thank you. For taking care of Li, and for buying the fuel. It- it means something. Not a lot, but something.”

Something, alright. Hua Cheng barks out a laugh.

“Hm. Stay safe, don’t get called, to-be criminal.”

“I’ll try my best,” He Xuan grumbles, and sets off.

Chapter 39: Art&Dogs: Chapter 11

Notes:

I ENTIRELY FORGOT TO UPLOAD IT YESTERDAY FUCKKK ADFKJGHDJKA i woke up like "huh shouldnt it be tgcf uni au prequel uplaod day" saw that was YESTEDAAY KJSDFHGDSJKG ok. ok i'm here now.

there's some in the face ableism in this chapter but dw the person saying it gets revenge upon them and also some mentions of verbal sexual abuse adfsgdhjgkfh

“Did you set these three letterboxes on fire?”

“I’ve already said no. I’m not going to lie and say I did it, when I clearly did not.”

Hua Cheng takes a deep breath, leaning back into his chair a bit more. He’s bored. The police keeps going on and on about this.

Him, He Xuan, Li, and their respective parents have spent the past four hours at the police station together with Li’s bullies and their parents.

Everyone is acutely aware it was He Xuan, but they actually and really cannot prove it. There are no fingerprints, no can of fuel to be found, no gloves, nothing at all. No one has seen him. Neither his nor Hua Cheng’s parents noticed them leaving the house, too deeply asleep for it. They can’t prove shit.

He Xuan did a good job.

“Young man,” the police man sighs, tapping his finger on the table. “Someone must’ve done it. Or are you suggesting a spirit did?”

“I don’t know,” He Xuan says, “this is your job, not mine. I'm not a police man.”

Hua Cheng barely holds back a laugh, and he only does so because his mom kicks his foot under the table. Look, okay? He Xuan has gotten so savvy ever since he’s befriended Hua Cheng. How could he not absolutely love it? He’s gotten funny as hell. Hua Cheng loves every single bit about it.

“You…!”

“I’m sorry,” He Xuan’s mother interferes, “he truly couldn’t have done it. Xuan is too nice for these things.”

She definitely knows he did it. Hua Cheng knows she knows.

“Then who was it?” the policeman asked, staring down He Xuan, Hua Cheng, and Li specifically.

“It wasn’t me,” Li mumbles, “but if someone had done it and invited me along, I might’ve joined. I didn’t, though. At that time I was literally scrolling social media because I couldn’t sleep. I have the chats. And photos where I’m literally in bed. I’ve already showed them to you.”

“Right,” the policeman says, “you’re excused. But not you two.”

Hua Cheng’s ears perk up at that again.

“Seriously, sir,” he says, “I was also on social media at the time. I don’t have anything to show for it, but I was scrolling- a friend’s account.”

“Just scrolling?” the policeman asks, and Hua Cheng nods.

“Yes. I haven’t talked to him in a while. We are not really in contact. I also had my phone’s location turned on for a bit because I was looking up the way to the bubble tea store in the town over, actually.”

“…Show me,” the man at the other end of the table grumbles, and Hua Cheng carefully goes into his settings to go retrieve that data, making sure his phone doesn’t show that he went to the park at night. It doesn’t. He hands it to the policeman, and he looks over it, then nods.

“Alright. Unless you left your phone at home?”

“…He doesn’t leave the house without his phone. Teenagers,” Hua Cheng’s mom says, but she does so with a glance that very clearly says ‘we’re talking later, young man’. She looks pissed, but also amused in equal measure, so Hua Cheng isn’t particularly scared of repercussions.

“And you?”

“I was asleep,” He Xuan answers, “mom and dad can attest I showed up for breakfast after getting up and everything. Then I left for school.”

“And at the time the letterboxes were presumably set on fire?”

“Asleep, sir,” He Xuan repeats again, slowly starting to sound a little annoyed. “I did not set these letterboxes on fire.”

“I always knew that child would turn into a deviant,” the mother of one of the bullies says, waving her hand dismissively, “you see, officer, he has some kind of handicap, and it was always obvious he would go down a dark path because of it.”

Hua Cheng chokes, and the head of He Xuan’s mother instantly flies around to her.

“Excuse me?”

“Look, I understand it must be hard to have a child like that-“

“Like what?”

The mother seems a bit stumped at He Xuan’s mom very, very angry reaction. She blinks a few times, and Li looks like she’s literally about to jump out of her seat to defend her big brother.

“You know, like that.”

“Yes. You’ve said that already, and I’m asking you to explain. Why would my child be a deviant? Because he is disabled? Is that what you are saying?”

“Oh, but he isn’t disabled the normal way, is he?” the mother continues, which actually gets Hua Cheng very fucking mad because what the fuck is this woman thinking?

His mothers are looking on very, very aghast too.

“The normal way? What, because he isn’t in a wheelchair, it suddenly doesn’t mean anything? Just because he’s autistic and might need some more support here and there, he’s going to grow up to be a deviant? At the very least, I know very well that my son did not sexually harass a classmate.”

Hua Cheng claps. On the inside, that is, he knows he can’t clap loudly, because the policeman probably wouldn’t like that very much.

“Excuse me?” the bully’s mother screeches, “my son did no such thing-“

“Your son told me that I’m a whore because my skirt showed my knees a tiny bit.”

Li’s voice is very, very clear-cut, much different from yesterday, when she was breaking down in front of them, like just telling them helped a great deal. Like, if not that, He Xuan burning down their letterboxes surely did.

She stares the woman straight in the eyes as she says so.

“If he denies it, then great. I don’t have proof. I have proof of a lot of other messages he and his friends sent me, though. You cannot prove that my brother committed arson.”

“You’re jumping to conclusions, really,” Hua Cheng says, “what, you think no one else caught gossip about this? Who knows, maybe someone in town heard about it and decided enough is enough.”

“And what is it your business?” the woman screams at Hua Cheng this time, her son awkwardly tugging at her sleeve to make her shut up, but she’s not doing it. “You’re just as much of a deviant as your weird friend, which is no surprise, given your parents-“

She stops because Li stands up, the chair nearly falling over. It’s loud when it slides across the floor. She takes a few very, very quick strides towards the woman, stands up on her tiptoes, and slaps her.

In front of the policeman, who is too stunned to react himself. He just sits there as Li leans back down, lowers her hand, and then stares awkwardly at the policeman.

“…Sorry,” she mumbles in a small voice, “but she insulted my brother and my friend and his parents, and you didn’t do anything about it, even thought that’s your job.”

Alright.

Now, Hua Cheng really can’t keep it in anymore. He starts laughing, because hey, okay, the kid is right! She’s right. This was the policeman’s job, and he utterly failed. Just classic police things, probably.

The woman Li just slapped holds her cheek, gaping. There was no crack or anything, and Li is ten – the slap can’t even have hurt a lot.

“You…!” the policeman starts, and it’s He Xuan’s otherwise quiet father who steps in now, putting a hand on his wife’s shoulder, and giving He Xuan’s hair one small ruffle. He’s much more timid than the mother. He’s probably recognizing that He Xuan’s mother won’t get very far here, no matter what she does, though.

Same way these boys are going to get away with it, but Li’s just going to have to live with this for the rest of her life, while her mother can’t really do anything about the situation, but her father can.

Just absolutely stupid, if you ask Hua Cheng.

“Look,” his father starts, anxiously glancing at his wife, like he really and sincerely doesn’t know what he’s doing either. “I understand that He Xuan is the most likely suspect, and also that my daughter has just slapped someone in front of you, but you need to understand that she has been getting harassed by these three boys for quite a while now. Moreover, this woman has insulted my son, and also his friend, and his friends’ parents. If you cannot prove that it was my son who set the letterboxes on fire, we would like to leave, because we have been going in circles. If these boys stop harassing my daughter, this is all that matters. Li, come here, leave that woman alone.”

“…Yes, Dad, sorry,” she mutters, only now letting her hand sink down. The woman looks like she’s about to spit on her but thinks better of it a second later, however looking absolutely blatantly pissed at her with her hand still pressed against her cheek.

“I’m sorry,” she says to the woman, even. “Just for the physical violence, though. You disgust me.”

Hua Cheng is still laughing, just trying to keep it quiet.

“You…!”

“No, she’s got a point,” Hua Cheng’s moms says, a small smile on her face that Hua Cheng knows damn well is a threat and nothing else. “Insulting our son and us for not being straight is pretty low, but I guess it makes sense as to why your son and his friends turned out this way, then. We would also like to go, please. We have nothing more to say on the matter, and if you need us again, we can come back. But before you can prove that our son – or Xuan, for the matter – was involved in any of this, there’s nothing we can really do about it. In case Hua Cheng was involved, we will find out one way or another, but you’ve already seen that he used his phone at our house. So there’s that.”

The policeman looks like he’s damn well not going to let them go at all.

Oh, this is going to be a long day still.

 

*

 

It was a long day indeed. Hua Cheng feels barely alive when they all settle in their kitchen. Him and his moms took the entire He family home with them with the promise of leftover potato soup from yesterday night, as well as supermarket pizza.

No one said no, and so, they’re now seated around the kitchen table, each with some slices of pizza, and a small bowl of soup.

They made a lot of soup, so they still have enough for a little bit for everyone. It’s a bit of a cursed combination, really, but after such a long day, no one cares anymore.

They’re all just glad they made it out of the police station without any of them getting convicted with something.

“Be honest,” one of Hua Cheng’s mothers says, looking at him and He Xuan as they both take their first spoonful of soup. “You totally did this, didn’t you, you two?”

He Xuan doesn’t say anything, not at all. Probably to keep his family out of it to the best of his ability, but they all know. The policeman clearly knew, too, but not like he could’ve done anything about it.

Li is ten, and she was provoked, and she was right about how the guy wasn’t doing his job particularly well. Besides, she caused no serious damage, and the bully’s mother stopped throwing a fit once her son asked her to, out loud, and indeed admitted he’d said these things, along with the other two.

At least they seem to be feeling some measure of regret. Good.

“I didn’t,” Hua Cheng says though, because he really and sincerely did not participate in the arson part. “I was in my bed at the time. I mean it.”

“And before that?”

“Well,” he says, “someplace else.”

That’s enough of an indicator for them to know he was involved.

“Look, you two,” He Xuan’s father says with a little sigh, but a smile on his face anyway. “You sincerely cannot do something like this, no matter how dire the situation.”

“If they hadn’t, I would’ve.”

“You’re too young, they’d never sell you fuel,” He Xuan says to his little sister, who just hits him with a grumpy gaze, and an extra loud crunch of pizza crust.

“I can get whatever I please. I’m not above stealing something.”

“Sure you’re not,” Hua Cheng laughs, “after slapping that bitch, I trust you.”

“Language,” Hua Cheng’s mom scolds him, but she’s grinning anyway. “Ah, whatever. You didn’t do it, let’s all agree on that, alright? The less we talk about it, the better? Are you settled for talking to the principal tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” He Xuan’s mother answers, “don’t worry. We’ll talk it out, and I’ll make very sure the boys get suspended for at least a little while. They seemed to regret it, though, so I’m assuming it’ll be fine. The potato soup is really good, by the way.”

“Thanks. Ah, by the way, have you thought about going to a self-defense course, Li?”

Li looks at Hua Cheng’s mom and shakes her head a bit.

“No. Would I learn how to beat people up?”

“…No, the point is to defend yourself,” He Xuan says, “…Miao-er went to one when she was really young.”

“Are they expensive?”

“Nothing we can’t afford if we take a little out of our savings,” He Xuan’s mother says, ruffling her daughter’s hair. “If you want to go, you can go.”

“But the money-“

“Li, you’re more important than the money.”

Clearly, the kid knows better than her big brother, because she only nods defeatedly.

“…I’ll go then, if possible. I dn’t want this to happen again. I really hated this. I don’t want to end up like this anymore. At all.”

“That’s good, though also absolutely not your fault,” Hua Cheng says, “you can practice on me, ‘cause I won’t break like your stick of a brother.”

Hua Cheng gets kicked below the table by He Xuan, and nearly curses him out again, barely keeping himself from doing so, though. Fucking bastard.

He Xuan looks very, very victorious about having hurt him, though. This is his thanks for helping out with arson? Of all things possible? Come on now! Hua Cheng hates everything.

“I will!” Li immediately yelps, taking another bite of pizza. She chews and swallows before she keeps talking. “…Thank you. You, too, Ge. I mean it. I really- I really appreciate it.”

Because everyone knows they did it. Well, that’s okay, as long as they can’t be put into prison for it or have it added to their criminal records in any way that matters. At any rate, they’re teenagers, so nothing would be too harsh.

“Hm. It’s nothing,” He Xuan says, like he didn’t set things on fire at all, but rather like he made a cake for her birthday or whatever.

“So,” He Xuan’s mother eventually sighs. “I’ll have to punish you some way, though, He Xuan. You cannot do this again, do you understand?”

“Yes, mom.”

“What kind of punishment do you want? I obviously won’t keep you from going to school or seeing Hua Cheng, but… would you mind staying home from aquarium club for a while?”

It’s not really a question. Hua Cheng can see it in her face. He Xuan seems to know as much, because devastation plants itself across his features almost immediately.

“I’d mind.”

“Well, bummer,” his mother sighs. She sounds stern, but the huge smile on her face betrays that regardless of it all, she’s still proud of her son. “No aquarium club for two weeks for you, young man.”

Hua Cheng can only hope that his punishment is going to be kinder.

Chapter 40: Art&Dogs: Chapter 12

Notes:

okay a day early cuz i forgot last time... sowwy sowwy...

ahem ahem anyway when i said small eatign disorder arc cuz look at he xuan. this is the start. lol. tw for bulimia from here on out for some chaps jkalhdfgkadg

Hua Cheng’s finger hovers over the ‘send’ button for the millionth time, but in the end, he never manages. He’s typed out so, so many messages to Xie Lian already, all with the goal of sending them to him and talking to him again, but he doesn’t actually know what to say. And so, they all remain unsent, forever.

He keeps them all in a folder to eventually make them into the best message possible. The one that’ll really get across that he wants to reconnect, that he’d like to meet up with him again.

(That he still loves him to hell and back, but that’s probably something he can’t actually tell Xie Lian, right? Probably not. Hua Cheng wished he could. He wished it was requited, even if no one would actually like someone like him.)

In the end, he deletes the whole thing again, stuffs his phone back into his pocket, and gets off the toilet seat, out of the stall, and towards the sink.

It’s then that He Xuan walks into the toilets, right as Hua Cheng is washing his hands. He did use the toilet, but he may or may not have used his entire school break for the purpose of trying to text Xie Lian.

He Xuan stares at him.

“…Such a big shit?” he asks, which damn-near makes Hua Cheng punch his stupid fucking face, but in the end, he just puts on a grin.

Two can play this fucking game.

“Why are you here? Didn’t you use the bathroom at the start of the break?”

“Piss off,” He Xuan says, and marches to a stall.

“…I’ll wait for you outside, since we’ll have art class after anyway. That alright?”

“Yes, piss off.”

Hua Cheng knows exactly why he’s being told to piss off. No use thinking about it much more.

He leaves He Xuan to his business, makes sure to take a good few steps away from the bathroom door just because, well – high school boys’ toilet smell is not a nice smell, and he’s endured it for long enough already, just to be able to use his phone and then not even send this stupid message because he’s a scaredy cat as soon as it comes to Xie Lian. How is he meant to ever talk to him, if he can’t even text him? Hua Cheng feels more than just insane.

The thing is, in the last two weeks, Li has gotten significantly better. The three boys got suspended for an entire month, which will likely leave them either having to repeat the year, given their already shit grades, or they’ll be damned close to that. A win for her, truly. Her friends are speaking to her again, and they’ve apologized too, and said that next time, they’ll say something. Li has forgiven them.

He Xuan, on the other hand… not so much.

It can’t be just the aquarium club he’s missing, since his mother is still not allowing him to go, after his little arson stunt.

He’s pale and he eats even more than before. After eating, he goes to the bathroom. Hua Cheng isn’t stupid. He knows enough about mental health issues to know what that means. He’s not impressed by it. He’s not going to address it, either. He Xuan isn’t a talker. Neither is Hua Cheng. Not to each other, anyway.

They’re friends, but not for the purpose of helping each other with their shit.

He just doesn’t really get what happened, what caused this. Li is better now, so surely He Xuan should be fine, right?

Or did that whole thing really scare him? Hua Cheng wouldn’t exactly blame him, with how he lost the person he loved. Maybe not as much as Hua Cheng loved Xie Lian. Maybe this isn’t his place to judge, anyway, but it was likely enough to fuck He Xuan up for a good while.

Until now, still, seemingly.

Is he scared of losing her? Maybe. Hua Cheng can’t really make sense of He Xuan. He seems irrationally scared of losing the people he loves, at any rate, and that’s probably because his girlfriend died. Friend. They weren’t together, even if everyone thought they were, as far as he knows. Not like it’s any of his business. Hua Cheng leans against the wall.

…Still.

They are friends. He probably should address this, in some way, he just has not a single clue how. They’re two people who don’t talk about their feelings. He Xuan doesn’t talk about Miao-er, and Hua Cheng doesn’t talk about Xie Lian, even if they can probably both feel that they’re very similar, in that respect.

Truly, he’s worried. The only people he’s ever worried about were Xie Lian, Shi Qingxuan, and his moms. No one else has ever made Hua Cheng feel that emotion, so for He Xuan to have wormed his way into that category… it lowkey scares him. How the hell did he end up there?

Even just his fucked-up eating habits aside, he’s even quieter these days, like he doesn’t know at all what to do with himself. He looks gloomier, wears even more black, and Hua Cheng is pretty sure he’s lost weight.

Which is bad, because he’s skinny to begin with.

It takes a good five minutes until the bathroom door opens again.

They both know that they’re very, very well aware of what went on behind that bathroom door, when He Xuan faces him again, chewing away at something. Probably bubble gum, for the taste.

Yeah, Hua Cheng would probably do the same if he had this kind of issue, too.

“Our teacher is going to kill you for the bubble gum,” he says, and He Xuan just shrugs.

“She’s scared of me anyway.”

“I think she’s scared of both of us, at this point,” Hua Cheng laughs, trying to act as normal as he somewhat can, because if He Xuan isn’t going to address it, then neither will he, for now.

It’s true, though. He Xuan is strangely good at art, actually, and the two of them are top of the class, with ease. Their teacher loves them, but it’s also clear that she’s scared of both their talent, and their behaviour. They’re not exactly normal, after all. Hua Cheng is cold and detached with pretty much everyone, including He Xuan, and He Xuan doesn’t even try to talk to anyone but him.

“How’s Li? I haven’t asked in a bit,” he says, just to try and steer the conversation to something more positive.

“Back to her usual self,” He Xuan says, the smallest of smiles on his face, “keeps begging our parents for a dog, like we have any money for that.”

“Time for her to go work all those part-time jobs together with you.”

“Fish aren’t that expensive once you have the aquarium and the equipment and fish themselves,” He Xuan responds. “Dogs are much worse than that. I could cut back on the jobs, it’s just…”

His voice trails off, and he doesn’t explain any further than that, even if Hua Cheng has a strong feeling that it’s to keep himself occupied.

At the very least, he’s very, very sure that He Xuan isn’t the type of person to kill himself. He’s just not like that. He’d never want to cause his family that type of grief. He knows he’s loved by them. It gives him some kind of solace, but that doesn’t mean it’s very nice to watch whatever shit is going down with He Xuan right now.

His sunken cheeks and tired eyes don’t look good. His cheekbones are even more pronounced than usual, and some of his knuckles are always a little red, bruised, cut open.

Hua Cheng doesn’t like the look of this, at all.

Nothing he can do about it, though.

And even if he did do something about it, He Xuan most certainly wouldn’t cooperate, so there’s that.

“I guess,” he says, halfheartedly, looking at the reopened blisters on He Xuan’s knuckles and sighing. Their eyes meet, for a split second.

He Xuan never holds eye contact. Well, he can, but he doesn’t really do it, and he only does it with people he likes. Recently, he’s started holding Hua Cheng’s eye contact just a bit, whenever it happens. This time, when he casts his gaze back down, it isn’t because of that, though. It’s guilt. Hua Cheng sees it written over his face clear as day, like he knows that Hua Cheng is worried about him.

Which, horrible for Hua Cheng, actually. He’d much rather die than have He Xuan know that he’s worried about him. How could he not be, though, when He Xuan looks like absolute dogshit?

“I’m sure she can have a dog in the future,” he says to distract from this all, make sure He Xuan knows that he’s willing to ignore it as long as He Xuan is ignoring it, too. For however much longer he needs until he gets his ass back up again. It’s only been two weeks. Hua Cheng didn’t really know him much before, so he’s never seen him as bad, but it’s very possible that he was this bad before, or even worse, and he just hadn’t known.

“She wants to become a vet, so if she goes through with it, I’m sure she can,” He Xuan says, again just sounding a little proud of his sister now. “She’s working hard on her grades to get there, hence she was so devastated about hating school for a while.”

“I can see why, in that case,” Hua Cheng says. He picks his bag back up from the floor, where he’d placed it before he’d gone and tried his hardest to message Xie Lian, only to fail.

His account still posts that cat, sometimes. He seems to visit ‘Volleyball’ quite a lot. Jun Wu appears in both posts and the new story feature they’ve added recently, as well as the guy’s boyfriend.

Weirdly enough, that ‘Mei Nianqing’ seems… familiar to Hua Cheng? He doesn’t know.

He just wished he could message him. He absolutely fucking hates himself for how unable he is to do that, as if it hasn’t already been so, so many years of missing Xie Lian.

Does the fact that he’s still terrified of reaching out mean that in reality, he doesn’t actually love Xie Lian enough?

Yeah.

Hua Cheng really and truly hates himself.

Maybe He Xuan isn’t the only one that has issues, between the two of them. They just go into vastly different directions. Hua Cheng knows that He Xuan doesn’t hate himself, and definitely not in the overly disgusting way Hua Cheng does. He knows it’s stupid and shitty and not a great sign of character, and that people hate people who hate themselves. Xie Lian would probably hate him, too.

Hua Cheng gulps and shakes his head once.

“Off to class then,” he says, his voice already accompanied by the bell, signalizing that their last two hours of the day are starting. “I’m coming over today, for cooking, by the way. Is that cool?”

“Yeah,” He Xuan says, even if a bit of panic flits over his face at the mention of food.

“We’ll do homework directly after lunch,” Hua Cheng announces, and He Xuan picks up his own bag.

Directly after lunch. Without any bathroom breaks in between. This message better get through your thick skull, because there’s not much more I can do, and I’m pretty fucking sure you won’t tell your parents any of your issues, ever.

“…Sure,” He Xuan agrees in the end, and they make their way over to art class. The classroom is already open, as it is most of the time. Their teacher usually collects supplies and all of that during the break, and then takes care of cleaning up the last bits of things students didn’t manage before the break.

She’s good about that stuff, always encouraging the students to clean up after themselves, but if they don’t manage on time, she does it for them. Makes it even more of a bummer that she’s seemingly a little intimidated by Hua Cheng and He Xuan.

The two of them sit down in their chairs, and grab their textbooks, since it’s a theoretical lesson today. Hua Cheng desperately wants to tell He Xuan something, anything along the lines of ‘you can talk to me if you have issues’, but he knows that wouldn’t be him, and He Xuan would probably hate him for it and avoid him forever. It’s not a solution, not for the two of them, and it sucks ass, because even if He Xuan isn’t the type of person to do something drastic like take his own life – what if he drives himself to that point, whether intentional or not?

“We should make something Li likes,” He Xuan says, in the end, “she’s still kind of depressed. Better now, but…"

Because he’s much better at talking about other people’s feelings than his own, because he’s so fucking self-sacrificial it basically disgusts Hua Cheng.

“We’ll make mango curry again, since she likes it so much” Hua Cheng decides.

Because he’s much better at acting like it’s only the favourite food of He Xuan’s little sister, and like it isn’t a dish that He Xuan also loves a lot, much better at doing these things in a roundabout way, rather than admitting that he wants He Xuan to have some good food.

They’re both idiots.

Chapter 41: Art&Dogs: Chapter 13

Notes:

oh god it's so late already but i nearly forgot again simply because i've officially locked into MA thesis research now... sighs deeply oh boy . i guess i have a year and a half for this but ooooh boy. HJKAFGKJ

“…I think Ge isn’t doing well.”

God. So even Li has caught on at this point, no matter the fact that she was the one He Xuan was trying to hide it from the most. If it’s already come to this, then seriously, He Xuan has to fucking do something about it. He’s losing weight, and it must be obvious to everyone but him, especially to his immediate family. Or maybe not, because they spend so much time around him and think he’s eating. He is, yeah, but Hua Cheng is pretty sure he knows what happens after. It’s been two months now, and he still hasn’t gotten a grip.

“…I know,” Hua Cheng says thus, because he does know. He knows that what’s happening isn’t good. He just hasn’t had any friends apart from Xie Lian, Shi Qingxuan, and He Xuan, and Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan he knew when he was a little child.

So, in terms of regular friend interactions past primary school age, Hua Cheng has only had a single friend. Which is He Xuan. He has no idea how to talk to He Xuan about this except-

“Have you tried talking to him about this?”

“…No,” Hua Cheng admits.

Except Li wants him to, and Hua Cheng should’ve seen that one coming, too. She’s right, sadly. No matter what he’d like to think what is and isn’t his responsibility – trying certainly is. If He Xuan gets worse, it won’t be on Hua Cheng, no, but…

They’re friends.

And even if they keep arguing and acting like they aren’t, they’re both probably well aware that they are friends. They don’t spend all of their time together, no, but that’s mostly because He Xuan needs a lot of time to himself in order to recharge. Apart from his family, apparently. But they still see each other a lot, and He Xuan’s parents keep commenting on how weird it is that He Xuan is able to spend so much time with Hua Cheng to begin with. So, clearly, they must be friends.

Friends are there for each other. Not as therapists, Hua Cheng supposes, but he’s truly not tried to do much about this yet.

“I’ll talk to him,” he says before Li can reprimand him. Hua Cheng cannot stand this kid reprimanding him just because he does unironically like her a lot. Him, Hua Cheng, liking someone else.

Not that way, obviously. Li’s too young anyway, but if she was his age, Hua Cheng also wouldn’t care. He’s gay. Except he actually has not a single clue whether he’s gay, because he’s only ever loved Xie Lian, but that’s a guy, so that’s what he tells people. He doesn’t really care what gender Xie Lian has, as long as it’s Xie Lian.

Either way, he’ll have to brave this and try to talk to He Xuan. It’s probably not going to lead to any kind of solution, but Li is right. they can’t keep watching He Xuan do this. he’s actively destroying himself, and Hua Cheng may act like he hates him, but he doesn’t act like he hates him enough to want him to die. So there’s that. He’ll just have to do it.

“Thanks,” Li mumbles, “I know that he doesn’t want me to know, so it’s probably better I pretend that I don’t know. I’d just end up making him feel worse. So- thank you.”

“It’s no problem,” Hua Cheng sighs, even if that isn’t true. This is a problem. A pretty big one, on top of that.

 

*

 

“No.”

“What the fuck do you mean, no? I’ve got to go to the bathroom.”

“No, you’re not going. If you need to piss, then fucking- do it here, I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, here?” He Xuan asks back, entirely confused now. He stares at Hua Cheng like he’s gone mad, and given that they’re outside of the small fast food chain restaurant their town has despite its horribly small size (seems to make enough money to support itself, so that was probably a valid choice on the company board’s account). Not like He Xuan can just piss against their wall or on the street. There may not be someone around right now, but the chance of someone coming up and seeing him mid-pee is always real.

…Not that He Xuan would actually do this, especially not just because Hua Cheng asked him to, especially not without any sort of explanation. Just, hypothetically. This wouldn’t work out very well.

“Just… don’t go to the toilet. Let’s just go back to yours or something.”

He Xuan’s room is right next to the bathroom. He wouldn’t dare. Hua Cheng would hear every single thing, and that’d be good enough as proof, if his whole behavior before this wasn’t already a very dead giveaway of what’s going on with him.

“Ugh. I’ll literally just go.”

“He Xuan, no, seriously,” Hua Cheng says, and grabs him by the wrist when he’s about to get up. That slightly panicked look on his face is something Hua Cheng is sure not a lot of people would actually be able to see. He Xuan is a damn good actor, which is obvious in school plays, too, but even more so now. Theoretically, there’s no trace of panic in his face, not a single thing out of order. He looks like he always does. Not relaxed, on guard, but that’s just how he always is. Yet, Hua Cheng sees that tiny, tiny bit of a glint in his eyes that suggests otherwise. He’s gotten so used to He Xuan’s behavior. He sees what he’s doing, and he sees how he feels about things.

“I mean it,” Hua Cheng reiterates, “you can’t keep doing this. Frankly, you look like shit, and it’s hard not to notice.”

He’s trying, okay? Li better be proud of him. Hua Cheng is trying very, very desperately to talk to this guy, even if it’s probably to no avail. But he won’t have to say that he didn’t try. Better than nothing.

“Thanks for the compliment,” He Xuan says, the sarcasm just dripping from his voice, because somewhere over the past few years, he’s learned it. Hua Cheng wished he hadn’t, to be honest. No surprise, though. If someone keeps getting treated like this by classmates and the like, of course he’d end up a little twisted and fucked in the head. Including his eating behavior.

Hua Cheng knows what it’s like. Not exactly what He Xuan is going through, but he knows what it’s like to lose the person you love the most.

Xie Lian hasn’t died, no, but for so many years, Hua Cheng didn’t actually know whether he’s still alive.

He’s found him now.

He Xuan doesn’t have that. He Xuan will never find her again, ever.

So, no, maybe Hua Cheng doesn’t understand. But he can still imagine what it must be like.

It’s just that it doesn’t accuse being a fucking bitch about yourself and refusing any help whatsoever. He Xuan has ought to get it through his thick skull that he isn’t alone.

“He Xuan, be serious for a second. What do you think you’re doing, exactly? What do you think you’re achieving?”

“What? I’m not doing anything.”

“Yes, you are, because you’ve lost a crapton of weight despite eating even more than before. Seriously, what’s wrong? Li is fine. The boys stopped, you heard her. You’re also fine. No one says shit to you anymore.”

“What, are you going to praise yourself next?” He Xuan laughs, and that’s a side Hua Cheng isn’t sure he’s seen of him yet. Not directed at him, anyway. At these boys letterboxes, sure, but not at Hua Cheng. His entire person feels like a threat right now, like he’s about to make sure Hua Cheng doesn’t see the sun rise for even just one more day. Not that he’d ever achieve that. He Xuan is admittedly pretty good at beating people up as soon as he isn’t completely outnumbered.

Just not as good as Hua Cheng.

He’d lose.

Hua Cheng isn’t scared of him. if He Xuan thinks he can scare him off, then he’s incredibly wrong.

“Well, whether it’s because of me or not, my point stands,” Hua Cheng replies thus, taking another sip from his chocolate milkshake. He Xuan can think whatever the hell he wants to think. It’s none of his business. All he has to do is make sure he doesn’t die and cause his sister even more grief. Not when Hua Cheng has gotten so attached to her, anyway.

“I don’t care which of your points stand or don’t stand,” He Xuan snaps, “it’s none of your business, Hua Cheng. So keep your shitty nose out of it.”

“Oh, insulting me now, are we? How creative,” Hua Cheng mocks back because he just can’t stop himself. If He Xuan wants to play the game of being a little bitch, then Hua Cheng is going to fucking play it with him. see where it lands him. See whether it helps him in the least – it won’t, though. he knows as much. “He Xuan, you have to get your fucking act together. People will notice because they’re not stupid. Whatever you think you’re doing, it isn’t helping you. You look like shit. If I’ve caught on to it, then if your family hasn’t yet, they will soon. They’re fucking there for you, get that through your thick skull.”

“You don’t know shit, Hua Cheng.”

“Yes, I do know shit!” he snaps eventually. He’s still holding He Xuan’s wrist, and he grabs it stronger. “Because I’m not fucking stupid, no matter what you may like to think. Your family loves you. Not all of us get that privilege, you know?”

Bit personal. A bit unfair.

(Very personal, very unfair, actually. Hua Cheng doesn’t give a single shit.)

Yes, he has loving mothers now. That didn’t always use to be the case. That shit still sticks with him, to this day. Hua Cheng has a strong feeling he wouldn’t have any of these insecurities if his birth parents had ever been there for him. Then, he wouldn’t have needed Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan to protect him. He wouldn’t still feel beneath them. He might’ve long been able to message Xie Lian.

“Get your ass up, tell them you have issues, and get help, He Xuan,” Hua Cheng says, glaring at him to make very sure He Xuan knows that he’s not going to just let this go. Honestly, yeah, Li is right.

Something needs to change. Hua Cheng doesn’t want this to go any further than it already has, either.

“I don’t need help-“

“Yes, you do!” Hua Cheng barks back, gripping his wrist even harder, and only then letting go of it. “Yes, you fucking need help! Look at yourself! Does this make you happy? Does this make you feel good? Are you having fun with people worrying about you and you clearly feeling like shit? Are you going to keep wallowing in that self-pity or whatever? Is it fun? Are you enjoying it?”

Maybe Li has to tell him that she’s worried. Maybe he’d change something then. He Xuan would do everything for his sister. Maybe even getting better.

It’s just that Hua Cheng knows he doesn’t want her to know, and he isn’t entirely sure how good it’d be at first, if He Xuan knew. Or if he knew that Li is fully aware of what’s going on without He Xuan knowing that she knows.

“I already said that you have not a single clue about me!” He Xuan shouts, getting up and nearly knocking over Hua Cheng’s chocolate milkshake. He gets it out of the way. He still wants to drink that, especially now that he’s starting to get properly angry. What the hell is He Xuan’s point? Does he think he’s doing so well right now, slowly steering himself to literal death if he doesn’t start to pick his life back up?

(Hua Cheng knows he’s being unfair. He knows it’s not that easy, and he certainly isn’t in any place to talk. He’s worse than He Xuan, probably. They’re similar, and it pisses Hua Cheng the hell off, because he just wants to stop having to look into a mirror every single damned day of his life. If he’s projecting, then at the very least he knows it isn’t misplaced projection. If He Xuan is anything like him, then harsh, unfair words may just be the best thing to him. Neither of them can handle gentleness, not unless it’s from a very specific person. Except that very specific person is gone, from both of their lives. Hua Cheng may get him back one day. He Xuan isn’t ever going to get her back. She’s gone, for good. Hua Cheng attended her damned funeral, after all.)

“Yes, I do! More than you’d think, clearly!” he says, but stays seated. There’s no use. If He Xuan isn’t having it, then frankly, Hua Cheng isn’t having it anymore either. If he refuses to reply properly, if he refuses to do anything, Hua Cheng can still do the asshole thing and tell He Xuan’s parents. Would it be an asshole thing, if they really just haven’t noticed yet? If Hua Cheng really just wants him to get better? Because no matter what he tries convincing himself of, he does want He Xuan to get better. He doesn’t want him to keep feeling the way he clearly does. “So fucking- do something about this, He Xuan. By the gods, can it really be that hard to just be honest with yourself and your family? They’re not going to kill you for this, you know?”

He Xuan kicks the bench Hua Cheng sits on. It vibrates very, very much, and that just pisses Hua Cheng off even more.

“You have no fucking right to say anything to me.”

Okay, true, but. He Xuan doesn’t have to get personal just because Hua Cheng is getting personal. He doesn’t have to make this fair.

“Just fuck off, Hua Cheng,” he says, his gaze dark as he looks down at him. “I’m going to the fucking bathroom, and then I’m going home. You can do whatever the hell you want with your day. I don’t need you trying to involve yourself with my business, because guess what? It’s none of your business, at all. Don’t act like you know shit.”

Except Hua Cheng knows shit, which he’s already said. He’s pretty sure that He Xuan himself is aware of that and just too scared to admit that to himself, because god beware, that’d mean that someone cares about him. How horrible. How the fuck did he end up this way? His family is literally so fucking sweet, so supportive, why is he so twisted?

It can’t just have been his friend dying. What made him like this?

(Maybe it’s the same thing that made Hua Cheng like this. That made him so immediately attached to Xie Lian. Maybe both of them are still attached to something not quite from this life.)

And indeed, without another word, He Xuan turns around and heads to the fast food restaurant’s bathroom. Hua Cheng isn’t going to follow him, because he knows what he’s doing, anyway.
He doesn’t need the confirmation.

No, instead, he just has to be fast.

Hua Cheng grabs his stupid fucking chocolate milkshake, and runs. He Xuan is probably going to be in that bathroom for a while. He has some time.

If this was just about the bit of worry he felt about He Xuan himself, he might not do this, he might not care more than a little bit, he might not care enough until He Xuan drove himself right to the brink of death with this bullshit, but that isn’t the case.

Li asked him to, and Li reminds him to much of Shi Qingxuan, and even if Hua Cheng isn’t as attached to her as Xie Lian, she’s still…

She’s never done anything wrong. She’s only ever treated him with nothing but kindness. Li is the exact same, once she gets past that initial shyness. He can’t fucking fail her, and even if it’s for an entirely stupid reason.

(Also, Hua Cheng doesn’t want He Xuan to have to reach the brink of death.)

He runs to He Xuan’s house as fast as he somewhat can, the milkshake in his hand nearly falling down a few times; at least it’s empty enough for it to not spill properly.

He’ll have to tell He Xuan’s parents. Hua Cheng can’t force He Xuan to go to therapy or anything like that, but his parents can. Or maybe they can’t, but if they ask He Xuan to go and to take it seriously, he would.

He’d do anything for his family, even improving himself. And if he’s scared of them learning about this, then Hua Cheng can take his fear of that away by being the one to tell them. No matter how shitty that is. In the long run, it’s for the better.

And if it means losing his only friend, then fucking fine.

Hua Cheng presses the doorbell.

Chapter 42: Art&Dogs: Chapter 14

Notes:

see, this would long be up if not for the fact i just learned that my rlly cringe shitpost made it's way to THE ENTIRETY OF 7 SEAS and now i know they have all seen my fucking tweet and it's both the funniest thing ever and so so so embarrassing help me lord. JKADFGHJK

He Xuan doesn’t talk to Hua Cheng for literal weeks. You know what? Hua Cheng will fucking take it.

That bitchboy is going to come back, because he literally doesn’t have any other friends, and Hua Cheng is entirely sure he’ll thank him soon enough.

He already looks massively better. His cheeks are fuller again, and his entire appearance is not nearly as haggard as it was five weeks ago. Hua Cheng sees him eat, and he sees him eat normal amounts without heading straight to the bathroom afterwards.

The thing is, Hua Cheng isn’t stupid. He knows issues like this don’t get resolved in the span of a few weeks. It’s just that this isn’t anyone – this is He Xuan. And as soon as his parents learned of what he was doing, they must’ve gotten so sad and worried, and He Xuan must’ve hated that. Anything his family asks of him, he will do.

Even if it’s tackling a mental illness at record speed.

On the inside, he’s probably not fine at all. The fact that his entire improvement is most likely motivated entirely by guilt isn’t good or healthy at all, but eh. As long as he’s not going to die, Hua Cheng decides that it doesn’t matter for now.

They’ve still been sitting next to each other during art class. They just haven’t talked more than necessary.

Hua Cheng told is parents properly, and then asked them to please get him help. He said it’d be fine if He Xuan hates him after this, which probably sounded a bit too pitiful for the persona Hua Cheng is so desperately trying to give himself. Look. He may not give shits about anyone else, but he gives a single shit about He Xuan, okay? It’s not his fault that this random fish guy attached himself to him and then Hua Cheng got attached in return.

The week after, He Xuan wasn’t at school. Hua Cheng wonders whether he was at home, or whether he was… at some kind of hospital. He Xuan obviously hasn’t talked to him about it, and he didn’t ask, and neither did his parents ask, because Hua Cheng didn’t tell them anything about what was happening. When he returned to school, he looked more shit than usual, but that was an entire month ago already. He’s hopefully in some kind of therapy now. Well, he must be, unless his self-control is that insanely good. It must have been hard to find something this fast, but his parents loving him so much must’ve helped a great deal in being mad at therapists refusing to see him or something.

Hua Cheng only asked Li once, when he saw her out with her friends, to make sure He Xuan is doing somewhat fine. She said yeah, not perfect, but better than before, and honestly, that made it worth it enough.

It’s just… yeah. He can’t lie. He Xuan not talking to him has made school significantly more boring, and while Hua Cheng thought in the beginning that this gives him more time to daydream about Xie Lian and sketch all his social media posts, this just ended in him growing more and more miserable about his own lack of guts about messaging him.

Which led to him trying desperately to think of anything but Xie Lian, which is impossible because he’s Hua Cheng, unless someone talks to him and distracts him. However, his usual distraction has decided that he hates Hua Cheng for forcing him to get help, which is probably kind of fair, because it still wasn’t a good move.

Hua Cheng knows as much.

He’d care more about He Xuan’s feelings if he hadn’t been actively killing himself and stuff. Rationally, no one can blame him. It just sucks that He Xuan is blaming him anyway, judging by how he’s been seething away quietly every time Hua Cheng is anywhere in his vicinity.

With a swift stroke, Hua Cheng finally finishes his painting, and lets the brush sink with a little sigh. Even art class has felt a little boring ever since He Xuan has stopped talking to him; they’re allowed to talk during art class, when they’re working on their things, or listen to music with headphones even, so that’s what Hua Cheng has been doing, but music isn’t nearly enough to distract him from Xie Lian. So he’s just been suffering instead.

The fact he had to draw a fucking pig when he could’ve been drawing Xie Lian instead is egregious, and he would like to be financially compensated please.

“Oh, you’re done, Hua Cheng?” his teacher asks, finally walking past him. he nods, and automatically starts gathering up all the brushes he used to deposit them into the water to go wash them out; it’s not like he has many more hobbies than art, and well, he plays some online games every here and there, but that was also partly with He Xuan, so that’s been out of the question recently, too.

“Yeah,” he says, “think it’s good enough like this.”

“Hm, I think so too!” his art teacher says, “you’re still planning to study art at university?”

Next to him, He Xuan twitches a little, like he’s pissed that Hua Cheng is done and he isn’t or whatever. Then again, He Xuan seems to be pretty far, and honestly, it looks like he’s just got some details left at this point. Of his own pig. Because they’ve all been forced to draw pigs. This is a tragedy.

“Yes,” Hua Cheng says, “I’m not sure what I want to do afterwards yet, but I’ll figure something out.”

Honestly, he was kind of thinking tattoo artist. The one thing he’s never going to do at any rate is teaching. Hua Cheng isn’t going into teaching because he’d rather die than do that. Anything else is probably game. If he can just make it as a freelance artist, he’ll go for it, but becoming a tattoo artist seems like something he’d like. Honestly, he really wants tattoos, and he might ask his mothers to give him permission to get a few before he even turns eighteen, especially because he already feels so young in comparison to everyone else anyway, having skipped a grade and stuff.

“I’m sure you will! There’s nothing wrong with studying something just out of interest, as long as you can keep yourself afloat, moneywise.”

His moms are rich, and also he isn’t above getting a job at university to cut down the costs for them a little. Besides, he’ll probably still be taking commissions at the time, too, so it’ll be fine. He’s not too scared of any of this.

He’s scared of leaving his moms, actually, and perhaps ending up with one roommate or even more roommates that he hates. Hua Cheng hates most people. He’d say him and He Xuan could check whether any university has the subject he wants to study, too. Hua Cheng knows that He Xuan is kind of stuck between marine biology, medicine, and business. He knows business would be for money reasons, medicine what he thinks would make his parents the proudest (as if they give a single shit), and marine biology what he actually wants to do.

He Xuan is someone who could teach. Hua Cheng can perfectly see him as both a school teacher and a university professor.

“I’ll try my best,” Hua Cheng says, not really wanting to voice that he might go into tattooing, because he doesn’t know how his teacher feels about tattoos as a concept. People are weird about them sometimes.

“Yep!” his teacher says, and then gives a small look at the clock on the wall. “Alright, if you want to go on break early, you may. You’re done, no reason to keep you here, and it’s only another ten minutes, anyway. Are you coming to art club tomorrow?”

“Yes,” he says, “of course.”

He Xuan has been allowed back into aquarium club, too, and he’s been going again, as far as Hua Cheng knows. Despite his arson adventures.

Seriously, is He Xuan simply going to not care about their friendship at all because Hua Cheng wanted to fucking help him, despite them having committed arson together? This is a really rough betrayal to him.

Not as bad as his betrayal to himself when his handwriting was so shit that Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan couldn’t even read his address, but eh.

So, he gathers his bags, because any minute spent not sitting next to He Xuan in the most awkward silence known to man is worth a lot, let alone ten.

He makes his way out of there as fucking fast as he can, and decides to just eat his lunch in the school yard for once. Usually, especially now that he’s not on talking-terms with He Xuan, Hua Cheng eats it alone in some kind of hallway where no teacher threatens to try and throw him out. If you hide yourself well enough, they cannot hurt you.

But since he can probably finish it in ten minutes, he decides to enjoy some of the sun at least.

However, the exact moment he finishes the last bit of his rice, the bell chimes, and people start pouring into the yard; he’ll have to survive this time, since going back in would be suspicious, and the teachers would kick him out. Well, it’s just two more classes after this, so he can survive.

He just has to find a place to hide from He Xuan – or at least that’s what Hua Cheng thinks before he sees his silhouette already appear in the door in his black emo clothes that at this point, Hua Cheng really can’t blame him for anymore, because he dresses the exact same way these days.

And, right as he wants to get up, he realizes that He Xuan is walking towards him. Now, that’s actually kind of terrifying, he has to admit. They can’t have a conversation. That’s not them. The two of them can’t communicate, and Hua Cheng’s last attempt at that should’ve proven this for good, but clearly, it didn’t prove it enough for He Xuan to not be approaching him all of a sudden.

Frozen like some kind of statue, Hua Cheng stays on the bench he ended up sitting down on. He hopes that He Xuan won’t notice the way he’s gripping his lunchbox. He probably does notice, though, since he’s really perceptive.

“…Hello,” He Xuan grumbles, which is more voluntary conversation than they’ve made for the past five weeks. Without saying anything else, he simply sits down next to Hua Cheng, like nothing else has ever happened between them.

Or, that’d be the case, if it wasn’t for He Xuan’s awfully stiff shoulders and his lips being pressed into the thinnest line in existence.

“What do you want from me?” Hua Cheng asks eventually, when He Xuan still hasn’t spoken up after quite a while.

“Li scolded me for pushing you away,” he sighs from in between gritted teeth, “so I’m here to…”

“Apologize?”

“Fuck no”, He Xuan spits almost immediately. He crosses his legs and puts his hands into his pockets. “What you did was shit.”

“You needed help, I don’t care whether it was shit or not, I wasn’t gonna watch you die. Li was worried. She was literally the one that asked me to talk to you.”

“I figured.”

“I would’ve done it by myself, eventually, but she was right, because it had to happen right then and there, and on your own, you clearly wouldn’t have changed anything. So, I don’t care. I’m not going to apologize for telling your parents, either, because I didn’t do anything wrong, even if it might’ve been shit for you.”

“I guess,” He Xuan sighs in the end, which is good enough for Hua Cheng, because that means that He Xuan does understand. At least in a way. No, he probably understands understands completely and is too proud to admit it.

Either way, they’re similar in this respect, so Hua Cheng doesn’t really have it in him to blame him.

“I could’ve been nicer about it, I guess,” Hua Cheng concedes in the end, because that much is true.

Somehow, that is the thing that makes He Xuan let out a small snort, not quite a laugh, but almost.

“I wasn’t nice, either, so it’s not like it matters. Don’t you dare try to apologize for anything, I might have to kill you in that case.”

“Scary,” Hua Cheng comments, “what are you going to do? Set my letterbox on fire and then hope it sets me on fire? You don’t have the fucking guts to actually kill me, crab-man.”

“Where the fuck did that nickname come from?”

“Just made it up because I’m really creative,” Hua Cheng says, falling back into the everlasting trend of them bullying each other relentlessly with such ease.

Somehow, despite how pissed he gets at He Xuan from time to time, and despite how little they actually work as friends, properly, he missed this. There’s warmth in this, somehow, despite it all.

Bullying someone in a non-serious way feels sort of nice. It means that there’s trust. Hua Cheng hasn’t realized until now just how much he actually trusts He Xuan.

“You fucking suck at names,” He Xuan says, which is funny, because his fish names aren’t particularly great either. Although, in his defense, Li actually names a lot of them, because He Xuan loves her enough to allow her to do so.

After that, they don’t really talk a lot. He Xuan takes out his lunch and eats it, and it’s a normal amount. He still devours it at inhuman speed, but Hua Cheng has the feeling that this is actually kind of normal for him. He doesn’t use the bathroom afterwards, either, just packs the lunchbox away. He seems nervous, though. Like he’s not used to this yet, either, but Hua Cheng knows that as long as He Xuan has his family behind him, he’s going to make it.

Only before they part for their respective main classrooms, since only their electives are separated, He Xuan does look at him like he wants to say something else.

“What is it?” Hua Cheng asks, and He Xuan doesn’t meet his gaze. He barely ever does, anyway, so Hua Cheng doesn’t feel offended or put-off at all.

“Come over tomorrow. I’m making mango curry again. You can help. Li misses you.”

And with that, he’s gone, leaving Hua Cheng behind. Now, it’s him who has a small laugh escape him at the blatantly awkward way he phrased that. Li misses him? Sure, Hua Cheng will even believe him on this one, but more than that, He Xuan probably misses him, too. Also, not even asking him? Just commanding him come over and have lunch with them, or dinner, not even clarifying which?

Whatever.

Hua Cheng will show up.

Just for the mango curry, obviously.

Chapter 43: Art&Dogs: Chapter 15

Notes:

1) sorry i forgot to upload yesterday ao3 author curse hit me and my uncle like . died? I'm fine i didn't rlly speak to him much other than merry christmas wishes but aka it's been a bit stressful. also my niece has been here for like 3 days in a row and oh man do 2 year olds have ENERGY . so i forgor
2)... IF U SEE ME CHANGING THE CHAPTER COUNT OF THIS I'M SORRY I MISCOUNTED???? my chapters for the huaxuan part of the fic went like
chapter 14
chapter 15
chapter 14
chapter 15
chaper 16
and i stopped and stared at it like. wait. sth is NOT right- HJAJKFHGJKDAHGJK

“Hua Cheng!”

Ah. Li is very clearly happy to see that Hua Cheng is back, and that him and He Xuan have made up, if you can really and truly call it that. Maybe they don’t really have to make up, to be fair. Hua Cheng knows that things are fine between them again now, because, uh, he just kind of does?

It’s probably the same case for He Xuan, so yeah. Things are fine again. They walked home together, and Hua Cheng’s moms are both still at work anyway, so he wasn’t too concerned about not showing up at his house for non-existent lunch without telling them.

He has admittedly missed He Xuan’s cooking, even though he’s very quickly reaching the same level. Which is good, because he needs to surpass him, actually – Xie Lian used to be a really picky eater as a child, so Hua Cheng wants to make very sure that Xie Lian likes his cooking, in case he hasn’t grown out of his eating habits.

…Xie Lian was very rich and thus very pampered, which Hua Cheng can admit because that just makes him better, in his opinion. Despite this all, he never dared to look down on him, no matter how grimy he was.

Yet…

When Li grins at him like this, not even knowing that Hua Cheng was arguably even more pitiful than her and her big brother once upon a time (not that it’s a competition, but it’s a competition to Hua Cheng because uh, not-so-deep-down he’s a self-pitying piece of shit), it’s kind of… nice.

It’s a nice feeling. That someone doesn’t have the chance to judge him for this type of thing – not that she would, or that He Xuan would, since their family really isn’t rich at all. It’s still nice, though.

“Yep,” he responds, “I’m back. Your brother stopped being a little bi-“

“Language,” He Xuan interferes immediately, as if Li doesn’t already know the word and has (lovingly) called Hua Cheng that in the past.

“Your brother stopped being such a little blowfish,” he says instead, “so I’m allowed back into your house now! Isn’t that great?”

“Oh, it absolutely is!” she squeals, already lunging in for a hug.

Hua Cheng really isn’t a hugger, not unless it’s Xie Lian, or Shi Qingxuan, even if he does have a clear favourite between the two of them, still. But, he figures, it’s fine if it’s Li.

Now, if He Xuan were to hug him… that’d be weird. Hua Cheng isn’t sure how he’d feel about that, but He Xuan is even less of a hugger than him, apart from when it comes to his little sister, so that likely won’t happen. Not any time soon, anyway.

Maybe it’s quite convenient that the love of He Xuan’s life is dead, because god, imagine if he fell for someone else, and either wasn’t loved back, or got his bony shark ass rejected? He’d probably turn into about the same type of creature that Hua Cheng turns into on his worst nights, and ugh, he’d really rather not have to see himself in someone else. He’d fucking hate that.

“Good,” Li says again, nearly crushing Hua Cheng’s ribs. Maybe it’s her doing self-defense training now, and having gotten into it enough to the point she seems to be very keen on learning even more, and past self-defense. To be fair, if anyone’s someone who could be into any of the fighting types of sports, it’d be her.

“I missed you, Huahua.”

That’s a new one. Hua Cheng doesn’t really mind that, either. What fucking power does this girl have to not even have him mad at a stupid nickname?

“Huahua,” He Xuan repeats, and Hua Cheng sneaks his leg around Li to go kick at He Xuan, only barely grazing his chin, but that has to do now, because Li still isn’t letting go of him.

“Huahua,” He Xuan says, again, that fake fucking smile on his face, “I’m going to go make the curry. You two just… stay out of the kitchen, will you?”

“Uh oh, he’s gonna poison us,” Li says, letting go off Hua Cheng. He pats down his clothes a little bit, just in case, before he forgets to do it later when he goes back outside. Not that his walk home is particularly long, but Hua Cheng is very adamant on keeping his appearance perfectly in check, mostly because he wasn’t able to do so at all as a kid. It wasn’t for a long time or whatever, in hindsight, but he was so young and so impressionable that it really messed him up in the long run, too.

“I would never poison you,” He Xuan tells his little sister, but then turns towards Hua Cheng and just kind of scowls. “You deserve it, though.”

“No, he doesn’t, Huahua is nothing but nice, and he cares for you.”

“I do not,” Hua Cheng protests, and He Xuan instantly looks relieved at the conversation that there is no affection whatsoever between the two of them. That’d be gross. Not even in a no-homo way, but just like, a no-homo sapiens way. How dare any of them show something like human emotion? Absolutely gross.

“Good, because neither do I,” he says, earning himself an eyeroll from his little sister in the end.

“Men,” she hisses under her breath, which neither of them comment on, because, uh.

She may be very correct on this one, actually. Though, even if Hua Cheng and He Xuan were women, something tells him that they’d still be this exact way. Not that either of them looks or acts particularly masculine, except for the emotions department, and even with that, it’s mostly just with each other.

…Hua Cheng does talk to his moms, sometimes, when he has problems, or when he needs some kind of distraction from thinking about Xie Lian. It doesn’t always works, but he really likes the thought that someone is just going to be there. And that he doesn’t even really have to talk about his problems, that someone will just let him not talk, also.

“Whatever, I’m gonna make the curry,” He Xuan announces, and dips into the kitchen. Not long after, the sound of him cutting the mango, presumably, reverberate throughout the room, despite the door between them that he closed.

“I’m glad you made up,” Li says, making sure to keep her voice quiet enough so that He Xuan can’t hear. She sits down on the sofa, so Hua Cheng slumps down next to her.

“Eh, we didn’t really talk.”

“Whatever you did, you’re back in my house, which is good. It’s been lonely. I’ve gotten too used to you. Never leave again, Hua Cheng, you’re part of the family now.”

And how could he possibly refute that?

 

*

 

When He Xuan serves them all their food and gets his own bowl, Hua Cheng realizes very fast that it’s… a normal amount of food.

Usually, He Xuan eats at least twice as much as they do, but this is just a normal portion, same size as theirs, and it makes Hua Cheng weirdly proud of him. Maybe that isn’t all too weird at all; they are friends, after all, no matter how much he wants to act like they’re not. And the past few weeks did suck, even if the way he cares about He Xuan is much different from the way he cares about Xie Lian. Then again, that’ a good thing, because if Hua Cheng cared that way about literally anyone else, he’d fucking hate himself.

“So, Huahua, any news on your life? We didn’t really talk much because my brother was being angry with you for you forcing him to get help, which, valid, thank you.”

“Actually, I’ve got some big news you’re gonna love,” Hua Cheng answers, taking a first bite of the curry and instantly relishing in the taste. He Xuan is just too damn good at cooking. No wonder he eats more than he should, when it tastes this heavenly. Honestly, He Xuan is way too good at way too many things. Why can he cook this well and is good at every single fucking school subject, too? Of course Hua Cheng is also really good at everything, and truth is he surpasses He Xuan at most things, but…

He does have to put in a lot of time. He Xuan, on the other hand, just seems to know things.

“Oh my god, you need to tell me!” Li gasps instantly, not even bothering with her curry. Instead, she starts waving at the steam slowly rising into the air with how hot it is. Hua Cheng doesn’t even care if he burns his tongue. He just puts his chopsticks right back into it to scoop up more rice and mango and chicken.

“Oh, you wanna know?”

“I do!” she says, slapping her hands down on the table, which gives her a little reprimand from He Xuan. “I do want to know! Please! Tell me! Did you get a boyfriend? Girlfriend? No, scrap this, you’re not into girls.”

That one makes He Xuan release a short snort, as if he’s any straighter than Hua Cheng. Honestly, he wonders whether He Xuan is even really a guy, but it’s whatever to him. He doesn’t give a damn. All he knows is that if someone like Shi Qingxuan was in his life and handed him a skirt and some nail polish, He Xuan would most likely wear it, no matter whether he’s a guy or not.

“Yeah, no,” he says, not telling her that there’s only one person he’d ever consider dating anywhere. “You’ll like this one even more. My moms, and, well, me too, I guess, decided to get a dog.”

The sharpest inhale ever follows right away, and the mango curry is completely forgotten about by her, obviously. She blinks at Hua Cheng and then gapes, and He Xuan, sitting opposite of them, rolls his eyes again.

“A dog is perfect for you,” he comments, “because you’re a tyrant.”

“Shut up,” Hua Cheng says, and surprisingly, Li is absolutely with him on that one.

“Yeah, shut up, Ge! He’s getting a dog! What the fuck do you mean, you’re getting a dog?”

“Language!”

“I don’t care, Xuan! He is getting a dog. I fucking love dogs. Who cares about language right now?”

Ah, yes, that’s exactly why Hua Cheng loves this girl so much. The non-romantic way, very obviously, because yeah, nah. He gets out his phone, because they did go to the shelter the other day to look at the younger dogs they have, just because they want a dog that lives longer, preferably. Hua Cheng does get that the older dogs also need a home, but they all made that decision together, so.

He grabs the photo of the small, black fluffball that they met the other day, who seemed to really love them a lot, so that’s probably going to be their pick. They told the shelter to please have him on hold, and that they’d decide until next week. Even now, though, they’ve basically already decided that they’re going to adopt this rabid little dog. Good thing is that the shelter has already given him all the vaccines he needs, so that’s great.

He instantly shows him to Li, because if he doesn’t, he’ll probably end up getting mauled by a teenage girl, and he’d really rather not.

“He is so fucking cute,” she sighs, taking his phone from him, and staring down the little guy, looking like she might just burst into tears any second now. She might actually. Hua Cheng is damn well aware that Li loves dogs a lot, and that she desperately wants one, only managing to keep somewhat quiet about it these days because she knows a little bit about how money works now, in comparison to when she was a child. “Hua Cheng, you don’t get it. I desperately need you to get this dog, just so that I get him by extension, too.”

“Don’t worry, we’re on it, and we’re probably getting him next week. We just need to buy him a bed and bowls and a leash and all that stuff first, once we’ve made the ultimate decision, but it’s basically been made by now, so you know. He’ll be with us soon.”

“Am I allowed to go on walks with him?”

“Once he’s used to doing it with us, yeah,” Hua Cheng says, echoing his mothers’ reasoning, since they were already really sure that Li would ask this exact question. They know her well enough, after all.

“Good. I can wait. I can totally wait, because I’m totally normal about this,” she says, clutching Hua Cheng’s phone to her chest to the best of her ability, like she can hug the dog through the screen. It’s fine, because next week, she will be able to hug the dog in real life. Okay, not hug, he’s too small for that, but she can pet him.

He was… Very excitable, but to be honest, Hua Cheng quite liked that. Makes him bulliable. Loving bullying, obviously, but bullying nonetheless, because that’s how Hua Cheng shows his positive emotions towards anyone that isn’t Xie Lian.

He Xuan can attest.

(God, he’s weirdly glad they’re on a talking basis again.)

“You’re ruining her,” He Xuan suddenly says, “Li is never going to be normal about this ever again, and it’s going to be your fault.”

“And my moms’,” Hua Cheng makes clear, because he’s not taking that blame on his own, especially not when his moms were the first to bring this up, not him. Hua Cheng really isn’t against a dog, though – more distraction from Xie Lian, since he probably won’t have the guts to text him for a few years.

(And if he does, maybe he should make sure to act like he isn’t that kid from back then, to make sure that Xie Lian falls in love with him. Not that he would, probably. Hua Cheng isn’t sure anyone can, given he’s really not the greatest person alive, but that might at least give him some sort of chance. He can try, at the very least. No hurt in that, right?)

“And your moms,” He Xuan all too readily agrees, but can’t keep the smile off his face, either, seeing how happy his little sister is at the prospect of having a dog in her direct vicinity in a week’s time. Or, well, two weeks, because he should probably get used to Hua Cheng and his family first, before anything else. No matter how excitable, it’s probably for the best that he doesn’t get too excited.

For the rest of lunch, they actually eat their curry, and Li keeps chattering away with a full mouth about all the things she can do with the dog, as if he’s going to be her own. To Hua Cheng, that jst makes the choice even more clear. They’ll definitely have to get this dog. They all finish their food, and He Xuan only leaves to go wash up so that Hua Cheng can show Li some more photos that his mothers send him as soon as he asks, since they took more photos than he did.

(Mostly because the dog was on him the entire time, at the shelter, so his hands were more than occupied.)

He Xuan sits back down with them after, not going to the bathroom or any other place, which means a lot to Hua Cheng, and he supposes that it means a lot to Li, too.

And at any rate, if He Xuan ever gets worse again, Hua Cheng can simply throw a black ball of fluff at him and hope that fixes him.

(…Honestly, that dog acts a lot like Shi Qingxuan. If he was to throw Shi Qingxuan at He Xuan, could she fix him, too? He wonders.)

Chapter 44: Art&Dogs: Chapter 16

Notes:

i kept telling myself i 100% will def remember to upload it today. so that was a lie becase it is now 9 minutes into what's technically tomorrow. sweats. ahem ahem. sorry,

i'm getting eerily close to finishing this fic actually lol. i'm working so hard to finish it to make time for kinktober, so the sequel likely won't be immediately after, since I'll want some backup chapters! I'll let u guys know at the end of this, since i'll know more than fjghdakj i've got only my first rough plan for the sequel still but i figure it won't be longer than 100k at any rate. prob like 70k-80k range but i AM still planning on writing it jkhafdgkd

One of the first things E’ming does upon arriving home with them is sitting down on Hua Cheng, falling asleep for half an hour, waking up, and then peeing on him.

Well, Hua Cheng thinks, he’s a puppy, he can barely be blamed. Still gross though. He goes to shower and leaves him to explore the kitchen and living room; they’ve decided that they’d treat him like a cat at first, keeping him in one place for a few days, then taking him to the new one. ‘Outside’ is going to be new too, and he’s already overexcited. Better to keep him around the living room and kitchen for now, thus.

After he’s showered, soaked his clothes and put them into the wash and gotten himself new ones, Hua Cheng comes back to absolute mayhem. E’ming is on the sofa, fighting a pillow at least fifteen times his size. They will probably have to replace a lot of furniture until this dog is somewhat educated. They will go to dog school with him, but he’s a tiny bit too young for that still. They can just hope he at least lets the more expensive stuff alone, like their sofa and who knows what other piece of furniture he might get attached to still.

“This dog was an absolutely bad decision, and I love him so much,” one of Hua Cheng’s mothers says, stepping towards him and awkwardly trying to get the pillow out of his mouth. “We will have to do so much more laundry.”

“Yeah, good point,” his other mother sighs, “you two deal with him, I’m going to make dinner. We’ll go on a walk with him afterwards and then hope that we get him to sleep.”

“Turns out a dog is entirely like a newborn baby,” Hua Cheng laughs, grabbing E’ming by his tiny stomach. “Come on, let go of that pillow. I’ll show you to your dog toys.”

Apparently, he already knows the word ‘toys’ from the shelter. Unsurprising, given he’s a puppy. He lets go of the pillow and stares up at Hua Cheng with his tongue lolling out of his mouth, clearly waiting on his dog toys.

Hua Cheng carries him – tiny tail wagging – over to his bed, red with white bones on it, true dog-core, and puts him on it. Next to it, they have a large basket with a lid (that E’ming will certainly manage to run over in order to get to his toys one of these days, Hua Cheng is entirely sure).

Hua Cheng opens it and reaches into it, grabbing the first best thing; just a classic rope toy that will hopefully withstand E’ming’s destructive urges. It’s probably still a little bit big for his mouth, but he very valiantly grabs it from Hua Cheng and starts shaking his head like he’s trying to kill it, which Hua Cheng supposes is in fact a very dog thing to do. He’s just not very used to this yet.

If someone had told him that he would one day have a dog and two loving mothers, he’d most likely not have believed it. It still feels… insane to him, even though it’s been so long already. He can’t believe he even managed to make up with He Xuan, which means he even has a friend again now. He’s not even alone in terms of people his age.

“So, you and He Xuan are fine again? I’ve only heard bits and pieces of what happened, but…” his non-cooking mother starts, and Hua Cheng sighs. That conversation was going to happen sooner or later. Nothing much he can do about it. He doesn’t want to burden his moms, though, so he truly did try his best to keep quiet about it, but they must’ve heard something about He Xuan not being at school for quite a while.

“Hm, we’re fine,” he say, “I’m over at his again, much to Li’s delight.”

“I can imagine,” his mom laughs, walking over to crouch down next to Hua Cheng and E’ming, who have started playing some sort of tug of war with the piece of rope. Vicious little thing, he can’t help but think, and strong enough for its size.

“I only heard he went to a hospital for a bit. Was he that bad? I mean, I knew he’s really skinny and stuff but…”

“Hm, he was really bad,” Hua Cheng affirms, because frankly, that’s still an understatement. Like, yeah, he wasn’t about to die or anything, but he was very much on his way there.

“It was good of you to tell his parents, then,” she says. “I’m glad you did. I’m sure they are, too, and He Xuan is, too, even if he doesn’t want to say.”

Hua Cheng knows as much. He doesn’t really feel bad for it, to be honest, and his mother is massively overestimating his conscience here. Yeah, he had some concerns, but it’s really whatever. He knew what he was doing was right, and you know what?

Even if it hadn’t been, he probably wouldn’t have been too bothered.

“Well, either way,” she says, suddenly, reaching over to put a shoulder around him. “You’ve been smiling a lot at your phone over the past few months, and we didn’t really want to interfere or anything, you know you can always talk to us after all, but me and your mom figured we should ask one of these days. Anything good happened?”

Ah.

It must be him staring at several pictures of Xie Lian ever since he found him again. No matter how calm and collected he may be most of the time, as soon as it’s about Xie Lian, Hua Cheng just about loses it, so now, too, he very quickly feels heat shoot into his face. He knows he must look ridiculous, blushing like hell and playing with a tiny puppy.

Good that He Xuan isn’t here to see him like this. He’d probably start making fun of him relentlessly, even if it was just to get his payback for Hua Cheng telling on him.

“Nothing… in particular…” he lies, but it sounds half-assed even to himself.

And indeed, his mother only gives a laugh, taking the rope from him and playing with E’ming instead. Hua Cheng’s hand sinks uselessly to the ground.

“You’ve got a boyfriend?”

“No.”

“…Really not?”

“R-really not,” Hua Cheng stutters, “just…”

“Found Xie Lian, finally?”

He flinches so hard that his mom must know she is entirely and completely right. Hua Cheng hates being an open book. He’s not usually an open book, and he loathes this with his entire being. How do normal people do this? Li for one. She’s always an open book. She can’t hide her sadness and anger and happiness for shit. Hua Cheng could never deal with that, and honestly, he kind of admires her for it.

(And he can only hope she stays that way and doesn’t become as twisted as her big brother and him.)

“…Yes,” he says in the end, because he knows there’s no fucking use hiding it any longer. And, weirdly enough, he does really want to tell them. He does want them to know what’s going on in his life, because now more than ever, he’s somehow realizing just how well they’re actually doing at parenting. He has a home and a good schoolbag, he gets good food, they go on vacation once or twice a year, they visit even extended family sometimes that all love Hua Cheng as much as they possibly could, and now they’ve even got a dog. How could he not love them back the same way, no matter how much he promises himself to not like anyone but Xie Lian?

It's out of his control.

“I see. Well, you two are still getting along then?”

“I… I haven’t actually messaged him yet,” he admits, which is the first time he’s admitted that to anyone that isn’t, well, himself. He hasn’t even admitted it much to himself, to be honest, because he just keeps telling himself that he’ll do it tomorrow, and then he doesn’t. He’s an embarrassment to the world, truly.

“Huh? Why not? Is he too different or something?”

“Not that I can tell,” Hua Cheng sighs, snatching the rope back from her, but instead of playing with it, E’ming instead climbs right back onto him, and very promptly falls asleep in his lap.

Okay. Hua Cheng supposes that he just won’t be able to move now. Should they wake him back up, so that he’ll sleep through the night? Is that how it works for dogs?

…Maybe they do need Li. Hua Cheng doesn’t know whether she’s also autistic, but she’s got a very good basic knowledge about dogs. Maybe she should’ve moved in with them for the time being.

“Why then?”

“…I’m scared, I guess,” he admits, because like… this is his mom. There’s no need to be embarrassed, even if he is. What does it matter? “I don’t know what to text him. I don’t even know whether he remembers me, or whether Shi Qingxuan does, but I can’t even find her. Xie Lian seems to have moved away, too, so I guess they’ve lost contact, ‘cause she isn’t following him or anything. He’s found new friends, but I think one of them is literally a father.”

“Huh? Like at his age?”

Hua Cheng nods, unable to help a grin come on to his face.

“I guess Xie Lian’s life isn’t boring, at the very least. Think his shitty cousin adopted a kid, too. Qi Rong was his name, I’m pretty sure. He was an awful piece of shit.”

He sees his mother’s judgy glance, and just laughs.

“Trust me, if you knew him, you’d agree. Bullied me a whole lot at school and everything. He wasn’t at all a good guy, so who knows why he’s a father too, suddenly.”

“Poor kid, then,” his mother snorts, “oh well, sometimes people make a very radical turn to the better once they’ve got a kid. We’ve adopted, and we did so very consciously, so I don’t think that can apply to us, but hey. “

Hua Cheng puts half his hand onto E’ming’s little head, his stomach rising and falling in his sleep, absolutely knocked out from playing for roughly ten minutes. It must’ve been quite a lot on his little body.

“Either way, he seems to be well. His creepy brother too. But I just… don’t know whether he’d want to talk to me. I don’t know to what extent he’d still recognize me. I’ve changed a lot, and I guess I wanted to change a lot, because I wouldn’t want him to know me as that tiny helpless kid, but…”

…E’ming is kind of like that. A tiny helpless kid, falling asleep in Hua Cheng’s lap. He sighs.

(In another life, he’d have bullied E’ming over this. But, in another life, he had neither a loving family, nor the ability to know that Xie Lian is doing well while parted. So, this life, poor E’ming gets spared.

For now, anyway.)

“You should just message him, Hong,” his mother says, and he feels like she’s probably using that name on full purpose right now, to let him now that he’s still the same, that Xie Lian would still recognize him. “You’re right, and you’ve changed a lot, but that’s entirely normal, and not a bad thing.”

Which is good, because on the other side, Hua Cheng doesn’t want Xie Lian to recognize him. He wants him to know him, but he also really doesn’t want it.

“I guess,” he says, rather half-heartedly, which just gets him a hand in his hair, ruffling it very, very roughly. “Hey! I’m not E’ming!”

“He’s a sleep, so I can barely ruffle him. Also, he’s too small for that, still. Can’t wait for him to be a bit bigger, though I guess he won’t exactly grow big,” his mother laughs, letting go of him. “It’s fine, Hua Cheng. Xie Lian would still like you, although if you don’t feel ready to get into contact with him already, then that’s okay, too. But once you do, you’ll be just fine, and he’ll like you a lot.”

Well. Probably not the same way Hua Cheng likes him, although Hua Cheng isn’t sure anyone could like another person as much as he likes Xie Lian. It feels physically impossible even to him, some days; the amount of love he feels is way too big for himself, sometimes, given he’s literally only fifteen years old.

Just another two years until he’ll go to university. He Xuan too, probably. Maybe not the same university, but Hua Cheng knows that they both love their families more than enough to the point that they’ll be just fine meeting up during semester breaks and everything. But, if they go to the same university, he also… wouldn’t mind, he thinks. Even as a roommate, he probably wouldn’t mind.

“I hope so,” he sighs, not entirely convinced, but at the very least…

Well. He feels a bit freer, somehow, having told his mom.

“I feel like if I found Shi Qingxuan, it might be easier,” he says, “she was already trying to get us together back in the day. Think she knew. Not that being friends wouldn’t also be enough.”

Not even just being friends. Breathing the same air in a room as Xie Lian would be enough to satisfy Hua Cheng at this point. Maybe he’d grow greedier afterwards, but right now, anything would do for him. Back in the day, he thought the same about finding Xie Lian on social media – now, he already wants to see him in person, which is an entirely different thing. He hates this all with a passion.

“You haven’t talked to us much about them, but I remember that you said she was very outgoing, right?”

“Yeah, sure is one way to describe her,” Hua Cheng sighs. “She can get overwhelming really fast, but Xie Lian and me were both more on the quieter side, especially me, so… we never minded. I hope she’s fine, given we both moved away.”

“I’m sure she is, if she has such an easy time making friends,” his mom says, once more brushing her hand through his hair. Hua Cheng huffs out a breath, still looking at E’ming, not even waking up when Hua Cheng’s stomach grumbles rather violently. He hasn’t eaten in quite a while, but as it stands, he’ll probably have to take his dinner on the floor rather than anywhere else.

Legally not allowed to get up with a dog being asleep on him.

“I hope so,” he says.

“You know we’re both really proud of you, right?” his mother asks, suddenly, and Hua Cheng can only give an awkward little gulp and nod, because they do tell him that, sometimes, but it never fails to make him feel all warm and fuzzy.

As a kid, he never had anyone say that to him. Not until his moms came into his life, anyway. He tries to swallow again, but his throat feels so constricted that he barely manages.

“Thanks,” he croaks out, and his mother gives him a knowing glance, and gets up from the floor. She strokes down her jeans, and gives him a small smile.

“Well, I’ll be helping out in the kitchen. You shout for us if you need anything, okay? We love you, Hong.”

“…Okay,” is everything Hua Cheng manages, happy when his mom disappears into the door and quietly closes it, leaving him alone with E’ming and the very traitorous, itchy feeling in his eyes.

At least they give him the face of not having to cry in front of them. They both know that he’s not good with that, and that he probably never will be. And so, Hua Cheng cries only in front E’ming instead. Not for long. Only a few minutes, but enough for E’ming to wake up and attack him.

His tears still, and he tells himself that yeah.

He may not be able to text Xie Lian yet, but he will, one day, and that has to be good enough.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 3 of We'll be more than a memory - verse