Formula One Groupchat

by steddiesaurus

Summary:

MaxVerstappen: @GeorgeRussell can you schedule a meeting pls I got another community service for saying fuck and I want to bring down the FIA

LandoNorris: lmao when will you learn 😭

MaxVerstappen: fuck off I'll shunt you into a wall in imola

DanielRicciardo: AYO??

CharlesLeclerc: would you like me to say fuck at a press conference again so I can join you

LoganSargeant: 🤔🧐

MaxVerstappen: listen I wouldn't complain

GeorgeRussell: anything that's just been said in the past 3 minutes cannot go on record jesus christ

Chapter 1: in the grid we all fam

Notes:

Hey!!!

I already posted this once so I'm sorry if you're reading this mad confused thinking "this is really familiar" but I republished it and tweaked a few things but mainly replacing galex with glance because I just really have a soft spot for them and frankly they're underrated as a ship.

This is purely fictional and not at all real!

Thanks for reading!!

LanceStroll added GeorgeRussell, CharlesLeclerc, NicoRosberg and 18 others to a group

 

 

LanceStroll

to those who went clubbing in miami

what the fuck is that song that played when Oscar poured his beer on Daniel

it has been driving me insane and george and shazam are unhelpful

 

NicoHulkenberg 

I wasn't at the club

 

LanceStroll 

that's why I said those who went stupid

 

NicoHulkenberg 

🖕

 

MaxVerstappen 

How's the song go mate

 

LanceStroll 

it goes like 

wait

 

LanceStroll sent a voice message [14 seconds] 

 

NicoRosberg 

I guarantee whatever song that is sounds nothing like that voice message

 

LandoNorris 

yeah not a clue soz man

 

DanielRicciardo 

mate you sound like you've been throat fucked by one of those squeaky rubber chickens

 

PierreGasly 

FIA is after you now danny it's been nice knowing you

 

LanceStroll 

jeez sorry my karaoke skills aren't up to standard im in a freezing hotel room piled under maybe 17 blankets semi hungover with a koala of a boyfriend squishing my lungs who also keeps telling me to shut the fuck up everytime i so much as breathe because SOMEONE got him so drunk on tequila he's got the hangover of the century 

 

ChecoPerez 

you are very welcome

 

FernandoAlonso 

not our fault he kept drinking them

 

AlexAlbon 

sorry to say mate but that voice note is indecipherable I have no clue

 

CharlesLeclerc 

I know this!

212 I believe it is maybe

 

LanceStroll 

wait

IT IS!!!!

thank you charles <3

 

PierreGasly 

how the fuck did you get that

 

MaxVerstappen 

charles is a man of many talents 😉

 

OscarPiastri 

Eugh

 

LandoNorris 

thats suspicious

 

FernandoAlonso 

we don't need to know about that you keep that to yourselves

 

MaxVerstappen 

boring

 

EstebanOcon 

I'm too hungover for this shit

 

DanielRicciardo 

what a night man

shame imola has no clubs guess we gotta wait till Monaco

 

YukiTsunoda 

in the clurb we all fam

 

FernandoAlonso 

what

 

YukiTsunoda 

in the clurb we all fam

 

FernandoAlonso 

again

what

 

YukiTsunoda changed the group name to ‘in the grid we all fam’

 

LandoNorris 

anyone want to come to hotel breakfast

 

ChecoPerez 

be there in 5

 

CharlesLeclerc 

non merci max and I are going elsewhere

 

LandoNorris 

okay getting really sus now guys

 

YukiTsunoda 

that's suspicious. that's weird.

 

LoganSargeant 

Most of us are already there man, im on my 4th plate of bacon

 

DanielRicciardo 

is that cause you’re #american 🦅

 

LoganSargeant 

yes bitch

 

LandoNorris 

oh shit be there in 2 mins

 

LanceStroll 

I would come but I can't move

 

OscarPiastri 

hoe is you paralysed

 

LanceStroll 

no but the situation is paralysing i'm trying to keep as still as possible because if george moves he might throw up and we all know how scared he is of vomit

 

FernandoAlonso 

ai ai ai don't remind me amigo

 

LanceStroll 

he said he's never winning a race again if this is the consequence

 

MaxVerstappen 

that's alright more for me

 

DanielRicciardo 

LMAO

 

---

 

GeorgeRussell 

@FernandoAlonso @ChecoPerez you guys are arseholes I threw up in the toilet twice worst 40 minutes of my life

 

ChecoPerez 

dios mio you are a lightweight georgie

 

FernandoAlonso 

only 7 shots of tequila and you're acting like this?

 

GeorgeRussell 

I had like 6 other drinks before this all transpired might I add, I will not be bullied by old men and 7 shots is a crazy amount anyway

 

ChecoPerez 

excuses, excuses

anyway do it again in Monaco?

 

GeorgeRussell 

…yes

 

FernandoAlonso 

he has yet to be beaten I see, that's good

 

NicoRosberg 

good luck Lance

 

LanceStroll 

thanks man

 

---

 

KevinMagnussen 

the scenes nico and I have just seen in this usa mcdonalds is unreal it's 2am

@LoganSargeant sort your country out

one corner there's a couple practically fucking, look 3 meters to the right and there's a man with his pants down, back of the store there's a whole brawl and I've just watched one of the workers slip over on a drink he himself spilt

never coming here again

 

LandoNorris 

this is chill for 2am where I'm from mate 😭 in the UK by now the police will have taken at least 7 people away in handcuffs, an ambulance will have been called and someone will have jumped the counter and ran naked through the kitchens

 

OscarPiastri 

lando do you speak from experience

 

LandoNorris 

perhaps

 

LewisHamilton 

I can confirm he speaks the truth UK McDonald's especially Sunday 1-5am are not to be messed with

 

KevinMagnussen 

screw the food I'm leaving someone just fell down the stairs and his shoes fell off and hit someone in the head

 

LoganSargeant 

sorry mb that was me

 

CarlosSainz 

in tears this is very funny kevin

 

NicoHulkenberg 

kevin do you still want your big mac

 

KevinMagnussen 

yes please

 

SebastianVettel 

does anyone here sleep

stfu I beg I'm silencing this chat for 8 hours

 

---

 

GPDA

 

MaxVerstappen 

@GeorgeRussell can you schedule a meeting pls I got another community service for saying fuck and I want to bring down the FIA

 

LandoNorris 

lmao when will you learn 😭

 

MaxVerstappen 

fuck off I'll shunt you into a wall in imola 

 

DanielRicciardo 

AYO??

 

CharlesLeclerc 

would you like me to say fuck at a press conference again so I can join you

 

LoganSargeant 

🤔🧐

 

MaxVerstappen 

listen I wouldn't complain

 

GeorgeRussell 

anything that's just been said in the past 3 minutes cannot go on record jesus christ

also yes I can schedule a meeting, does may 15th work 4pm?

 

MaxVerstappen 

👍

 

CharlesLeclerc 

👍

 

LewisHamilton 

👍

 

LanceStroll 

👍

 

EstebanOcon 

👍

 

NicoRosberg 

👍

 

ValtteriBottas 

👎

 

KimiRaikkonen 

👍

 

GeorgeRussell 

Valtteri?

 

ValtteriBottas 

I just wanted to be difficult it's actually fine

 

GeorgeRussell 

ffs okay that's sorted anyone who didn't answer you'll have to suffer

 

AlexAlbon 

anyone notice the wild kimi sighting

no? okay guess I'll go die

 

---

 

in the grid we all fam

 

FernandoAlonso 

[picture of Jenson Button in a tiger costume]

makes me giggle quite a lot

 

NicoRosberg 

jesus he's not even here to defend himself

 

NicoRosberg added JensonButton to the group

 

JensonButton 

IS THIS THE REMOVE DANICA PATRICK GC IVE BEEN ASKIMG FOR FOR AGES

 

ChecoPerez 

no

 

MaxVerstappen 

I mean it can be

 

LandoNorris 

askimg

 

CharlesLeclerc 

mate you cannot say shit the way you spell

 

---

 

NicoRosberg added LewisHamilton, JensonButton and 7 others to a group

 

NicoRosberg changed the group name to ‘remove danica patrick’

 

NicoRosberg 

just leaving this here

 

JensonButton 

BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

 

---

 

in the grid we all fam

 

LandoNorris 

@CharlesLeclerc if you ever say anything bad about my spelling again i’ll thwack you into next tuesday

 

MaxVerstappen 

right norris that's it you're definitely getting shunted to the wall in imola

 

GeorgeRussell 

for legal reasons this is probably a joke

 

MaxVerstappen 

it's not.

 

PierreGasly 

hello?

 

OscarPiastri 

max you better not bring out the fucking safety car when you do shunt him

 

PierreGasly 

HELLO?

 

LandoNorris 

MATE IM YOUR TEAMMATE?

 

OscarPiastri 

yes but if something were to happen I'd rather the safety car not be dragged into the mess too

also @GeorgeRussell can we have a GPDA meeting about how much I hate DRS

 

GeorgeRussell 

eh sorry mate I don't think I can do anything about that

 

OscarPiastri 

fucking useless

 

GeorgeRussell 

HUH

 

LanceStroll 

just cause you said that I'm gonna dnf so hard that the safety car has no choice but to come out

 

OscarPiastri 

I hate this fucking family 

 

NicoRosberg 

I would make an effort to care but unfortunately I can't 

 

DanielRicciardo 

ayooooo jet schedules have been released from miami to Italy tomorrow we have private jets this time who cheered

3 jets of 6, 1 jet of 4 up to us to sort out who's going where as long as we're there by 2 they don't give a flying shit

me, max, charles, alex, george and lance already have one the rest of you NO FIGHTING

 

LewisHamilton 

you just know none of them are coming off that plane sober

 

AlexAlbon 

😏

 

LewisHamilton 

that implies something much more sinister

 

SebastianVettel 

me and kimi are on the 4 cause the less of you the better 👍

 

EstebanOcon 

I don't care where I am

 

PierreGasly 

good job no one asked

 

JensonButton 

I am so glad i work at sky sports rip guys

 

NicoRosberg 

I am so glad I DON'T have to work with danica patrick rip jenson

 

JensonButton 

NO I'M SORRY I TAKE IT BACK DON'T REMIND ME

 

NicoRosberg 

no take backs xx

you love danica patrick 🫵

 

JensonButton 

NO!!

 

LewisHamilton 

Nico leave the poor man alone 😭

 

LandoNorris 

I thought you guys were meant to be like 40 years old not 5

 

PierreGasly 

oh dear

 

NicoRosberg 

39 FUCK YOU VERY MUCH

 

LandoNorris 

SORRY

 

---

 

remove danica patrick 

 

ValtteriBottas 

I was thinking

I bought a ski chalet in Canada 

is pretty big enough for about 15 we should go skiing sometime maybe in the middle of June after the Canadian race

 

MarkWebber 

big fan of everything going on here group name included and yes, Valtteri, I'd love to come skiing with you

 

SebastianVettel 

We can come!!

 

KimiRaikkonen 

can 👍

 

LewisHamilton 

yeah sure sounds great!

 

NicoRosberg 

I will only come if george can come too

and by extension Lance

and by extension of Lance also max and charles 😊

 

ValtteriBottas 

that is more than fine :)

 

SebastianVettel 

forgot that you and george do everything together such a weird pairing

 

DanielRicciardo 

evil grid twinks amirite

 

NicoRosberg 

😉

 

FernandoAlonso 

fucking hell might as well invite the entire grid

 

KimiRaikkonen 

no because some I do not like

 

DanielRicciardo 

AYO SPILL

 

KimiRaikkonen 

no

 

SebastianVettel 

I know who

no I won't spill

 

DanielRicciardo 

you're no fun I'm gonna get both of you hammered and pry it out of you

 

KimiRaikkonen 

I do not get drunk

 

SebastianVettel 

(this is not true)

((he is in a mood with me now))

 

KimiRaikkonen 

I'm going to bed

 

SebastianVettel 

he's not going to bed he's sat on the couch in a huff

 

KimiRaikkonen 

🖕🏻

 

SebastianVettel 

just been told I'm sleeping on the couch tonight

 

KimiRaikkonen 

is what you get

 

NicoRosberg  

I'm so glad lewis never makes me sleep on the couch

 

LewisHamilton 

HELLO

that's because YOU make ME sleep on the couch

 

NicoRosberg 

it is NOT my fault you encourage the dogs to sleep on the bed and when they kick you off you wake me up to complain

 

LewisHamilton 

I distinctly remember human feet kicking me off the bed not 4 nights ago

 

NicoRosberg 

wasn't me I was asleep

 

ChecoPerez 

dios mio 😂

 

JensonButton 

ever reckon danica Patrick's been kicked off her bed?

I hope so

 

---

 

rupauls drs race? 🤨

 

SebastianVettel 

Valtteri wants to know if you 4 want to go to his ski chalet after Canada

wait

to clarify

because I just read that back

there's 10 of us already going he's not inviting you 4 alone for a weird orgy or something 😭

 

MaxVerstappen 

lmaooooo sinister

absolutely yes we'll come

 

GeorgeRussell 

never been skiing but yes I'd love to come

Lance says yes too

 

KimiRaikkonen 

good

 

LewisHamilton 

do any of you guys ever get physically and literally kicked out of bed by your partners

 

CharlesLeclerc 

non?

 

GeorgeRussell 

uhh no mate?

 

LewisHamilton 

right interesting

 

KimiRaikkonen 

not again 

 

NicoRosberg 

lewis I have no control over my legs when I'm asleep I've already said sorry

 

MaxVerstappen 

crying what is going on

 

NicoRosberg 

basically kimi made seb sleep on the couch and that led to lewis saying I physically kick him to the couch often

 

LewisHamilton 

cause you do!!

 

NicoRosberg 

no!! 

 

KimiRaikkonen 

I have never kicked seb off

 

NicoRosberg 

NOT HELPING MY CASE KIMI

maybe we need a bigger bed

OR BETTER YET

make the dogs sleep in their own bed

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Leo sleeps in our bed

 

SebastianVettel 

to be fair charlie Leo is maybe the size of a pea

Roscoe could probably take up a single bed himself and Mojo is a growing retriever 

 

CharlesLeclerc 

that is fair

@MaxVerstappen when we get another dog it cannot sleep in the bed one is enough

 

MaxVerstappen 

hold on who said we're getting another dog 😭😭

 

SebastianVettel 

we don’t have dogs but we do have children which is probably worse

 

KimiRaikkonen 

I have not kicked a child off either

 

GeorgeRussell 

kimi 😭

 

KimiRaikkonen 

what is funny

 

GeorgeRussell 

Lmao nevermind

 

NicoRosberg 

george settle this thing with me and lewis

 

GeorgeRussell 

WHAT WHY ME, leave me out of this i’ll never recover if i have a hand in your divorce

 

NicoRosberg 

because you’re my favourite and president of the gpda

 

SebastianVettel 

hello! hi!

 

NicoRosberg 

seb is also here

 

LanceStroll 

what the fuck have i missed

 

Chapter 2

in the grid we all fam

 

 

DanielRicciardo 

Superbowl predictions for next year anyone

Bills as always #gayforjoshallen

 

LewisHamilton 

Broncos 🏈

 

NicoRosberg 

Broncos (Bengals (Joe Burrow))

 

LandoNorris 

Don't hurt em now nico 🔥

 

NicoRosberg 

?

 

LoganSargeant

Miami Dolphins!!

 

GeorgeRussell 

Anyone but the chiefs

 

YukiTsunoda 

REALLLLLL

 

SebastianVettel 

I am more interested in the half time

@LewisHamilton interested in performing?

 

LewisHamilton 

Haha, no thanks seb 😭

 

DanielRicciardo 

Hmu if you wanna come SB by next tuesday I'll see what I can do about tickets

 

LoganSargeant 

Awesome thanks Daniel

 

DanielRicciardo

❤️🙏

 

CarlosSainz

Anyone seen my fucking shoes

@CharlesLeclerc the fuck are my shoes at

I will unscrew the knuts on your car if I find you've taken them

 

LandoNorris 

you will SCREW his NUTS that's GAY

 

ChecoPerez 

I'd screw carlos nuts

 

KimiRaikonnen 

Bwoah

 

PierreGasly 

HOLD ON PAUSE

WHAT THE FUCK CHECO

 

AlexAlbon

He's lowk real for that

Hi Kimi 👋🏻

 

KimiRaikkonen 

Hello Alex

 

AlexAlbon 

🤭

 

FernandoAlonso 

What the fuck am I looking at right now i want to retire

 

SebastianVettel

Alex please try not to steal my husband the divorce will be very hard on the kids

And I don't mean our actual ones

 

OscarPiastri 

Who tf then

 

MaxVerstappen 

Nahhhh what you guys can't divorce

Please

Alex fuck off

Don't divorce guys 👍

Haha

 

CharlesLeclerc 

DONT DIVORCE ILL KILL MYSELF

 

OscarPiastri 

I assume you meant them @SebastianVettel 

 

SebastianVettel 

How'd you manage to guess that!

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Also no carlos I haven't taken your shoes

Why would I want them they're ugly

 

LandoNorris 

Bit like you then

 

MaxVerstappen 

I know you're not talking about charles rn

You look like kermit the frog

Infact yesterday I saw you in the paddock and thought ‘Holy shit! Kermits here! Oh wait no it's just lando.’

 

OscarPiastri 

Cackling so hard

 

---

 

lest-happen

 

EstebanOcon 

Anyone think Max was extremely quick to charles defence rn

 

AlexAlbon 

I did think this

 

PierreGasly 

I think maybe he just wanted the chance to insult lando

 

LandoNorris 

This is probably true 😔

 

YukiTsunoda 

We are so close to lestappen guys I can feel it

@GeorgeRussell @LanceStroll you guys are closest to them what do you think

 

LanceStroll 

Too busy fucking rn sorry

 

EstebanOcon 

Ew

#Banallgaypeoplefromsports2025

 

LanceStroll 

#Estebanishomophobic

#abigotifyouwill

#mybffhatesmecauseofmylifestylechoices

 

AlexAlbon 

This reads like an article from The Sun about bins not being taken out by the council for 3 weeks

 

LandoNorris 

For the Brits #susanalbumparty

 

YukiTsunoda 

…what the fuck

 

 

---

 

rupauls drs race? 🤨

 

LanceStroll 

The grid lestappies are genuinely so dense

 

CharlesLeclerc 

I know, Pierre just sent the screenshots 😃

 

NicoRosberg 

What's going on

 

LanceStroll 

The blabbermouths are making lestappen conspiracies again

 

LewisHamilton 

Lmao

Why are you two and Pierre in the group in the first place

 

LanceStroll 

To keep tabs and make sure they stay in line

Cause you just know they'd come up with some wild plot to ‘get them together’ that'll probs be harmful in the long run

 

NicoRosberg 

Smart

Got to be careful in this business 

 

MaxVerstappen 

Exactly that's why we haven't told those guys yet

I love them all but they'd run their mouths by accident

And we're not ready to come out yet

 

KimiRaikkonen 

Don't let anyone pressure you to do anything

 

CharlesLeclerc 

We won't kimi

Thank you ❤️

 

SebastianVettel 

Can any of you guys babysit our kids for the night 

I want to sleep for once 

And fuck

 

NicoRosberg 

Sooooo valid my friend

Unfortunately we can't help, we're heading to Paris for a few nights

 

SebastianVettel 

That's a shame, Miika wanted to see his favourite uncle nico

 

NicoRosberg 

Wait did he actually 🫠🥺

 

SebastianVettel 

No

 

NicoRosberg 

Oh

You know what, fuck you

 

SebastianVettel 

I do plan on getting fucked yes

 

KimiRaikkonen 

Nico he did say that

Seb shut up or the kids stay tonight

 

SebastianVettel 

🤐

 

CharlesLeclerc 

We can take the kids

 

LanceStroll 

We'll babysit for you

Oh

 

MaxVerstappen 

We want to babysit dw

 

LanceStroll 

So do we they're nice kids 

Unlike any other child I've met

 

SebastianVettel 

HOW ABOUT

You babysit one night each

And you're both happy

And I get railed into the mattress for longer

Everyone's happy

Especially me

 

KimiRaikkonen 

I like this plan

 

LewisHamilton 

Of course you would

 

SebastianVettel

@MaxVerstappen We'll drop them off at yours at 5

Thanks guys 👍

 

---

 

in the grid we all fam

 

KevinMagnussen 

@CarlosSainz did you find your shoes

 

CarlosSainz 

Yes

 

KevinMagnussen 

Oh nice where were they

 

CarlosSainz 

I do not want to talk about it

@CharlesLeclerc not a word

 

CharlesLeclerc 

They were in his driver room

In his shoe closet

Cause he's a putain de branleur

 

CarlosSainz 

CHARLES

I am going to unscrew your knuts so hard

 

LandoNorris 

YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP SAYING THAT CARLOS THATS GAY

 

JensonButton 

What the fuck is this chat genuinely

 

FernandoAlonso

Mate

Every single minute I inch closer to retirement 

Or an anyourism

 

YukiTsunoda 

A what

 

FernandoAlonso 

You heard you little twerp

 

MaxVerstappen 

That is gramatically incorrect

 

GeorgeRussell 

^ 🤓☝️

 

FernandoAlonso 

Anyou’reism

 

MaxVerstappen 

No –

 

NicoRosberg 

This is genuinely some of the funniest shit I've ever seen I'm howling

Roscoe thinks I've become a dog

 

FernandoAlonso 

Anyourizzm 

 

LoganSargeant 

Definitely not that

 

FernandoAlonso 

Hold on let me google

Aneurysm

 

DanielRicciardo 

Good job buddy yay!!!

 

FernandoAlonso 

Fuck all of you

 

SebastianVettel 

No thanks just finished and I don't think I can go again

 

LandoNorris 

OH NAH

 

KimiRaikkonen 

Was good

11/10

 

LewisHamilton 

Oh so THATS what you've been doing the past 3 hours

Answer the fucking phone seb my god I've been ringing you for ages

 

LandoNorris 

SOEEY??

THREE HAOURA???

 

KimiRaikkonen 

Bwoah

Is not hard 👍🏻

 

LandoNorris 

What the fuck?!

 

ChecoPerez 

it's definitely not hard anymore if you've been going 3 hours señor arriba 😅

 

OscarPiastri 

Checo I can't breathe 😂

 

LandoNorris 

Why are old gay men literally the worst wdym you've been going three hours

I feel inadequate 

 

OscarPiastri 

That's cause you are mate

 

LandoNorris 

AND YOUF KNOE THIS HOW???

 

OscarPiastri 

Just get a vibe

 

LandoNorris 

Gtfo of here

 

SebastianVettel 

I think you need a nap @LandoNorris 

 

KimiRaikkonen 

Definitely 

 

SebastianVettel

@LewisHamilton stop ringing give me 5 minutes my god

 

NicoRosberg 

He's the one about to have an aneurysm now

 

LanceStroll 

What does he even want that urgently 

 

NicoRosberg 

I could not tell you

Something to do with one of our nephews I think

 

GeorgeRussell 

Who by the way @KimiRaikkonen @SebastianVettel 

Are having a fantastic time on our yacht blasting one taylor swift song on loop cause its really pissing Lance off

 

GeorgeRussell sent a video [11 seconds]

 

GeorgeRussell 

I am having a great time, however

 

LanceStroll 

I don't like your kids anymore I don't want unc status

 

MaxVerstappen 

At 28 years old you are not allowed to use unc status

Jenson however…

 

JensonButton 

Yes and PROUD of it thank you Max

 

KimiRaikkonen 

That song

Death of music 

Play Rammstein

 

SebastianVettel 

Don't listen to him he likes taylor most of the time

 

GeorgeRussell 

@MaxVerstappen Lance is unc to me

 

LandoNorris 

No

He's daddy to you

 

GeorgeRussell 

LANDO??

THE FUCK

EXCUSE ME??

 

ChecoPerez 

Lmao

 

PierreGasly 

dégoûtante

kill me

 

LandoNorris 

I WAS ONLY SPEAKING FROM MY HEART

 

YukiTsunoda 

Seb and Kimi have to use daddy surely

 

SebastianVettel 

I would rather kill myself than call my husband the same thing our kids call him

 

KimiRaikkonen 

@YukiTsunoda 🚫

 

YukiTsunoda 

Does ANYONE have a daddy kink 

Surely one of you be fucking fr

Dirty fuckers

@NicoRosberg ??

 

NicoRosberg 

WHY HAVE I BEEN DRAGGED INTO THIS

 

YukiTsunoda 

Twink activities innit

Ur telling me the twink trio of George Seb and Nico do NOT have a daddy kink

This family is horrible

 

FernandoAlonso 

I do not mind being called daddy I suppose

El Padre if you will

El Padre 😎

Fuck El Nano

 

NicoHulkenberg 

I am putting a four hour ban on this chat as of right now

Go be freaks somewhere else mein Gott

 

---

 

remove danica patrick

 

 

JensonButton 

Today guys

I ran an interview without danica patrick

Fucking glorious

 

NicoRosberg 

CANNOT SAY THE SAME YOU FUCKWIT

 

JensonButton 

SORRY

they must have pawned her over to your side

 

MarkWebber 

Tough gig sorry nico

 

NicoRosberg 

4 minutes asking if i was okay with being side rammed into the barriers by redbulls finest

Yes I was okay with that danica

Fucking idiot

What if I quit my job 

What then

 

SebastianVettel 

I would like to clarify he was NOT side rammed by me it was max

Quite funny tbh

Wouldn't have been if he dnf’ed I guess

 

DanielRicciardo 

Max always at the scene of the crime fr 😔

 

LewisHamilton 

Nico please don't quit who would I travel with

 

SebastianVettel 

Me

 

LewisHamilton 

Who said that

Must've been a ghost

 

SebastianVettel 

Pisshead

 

ValtteriBottas 

Nico you could be lewis' housewife

 

NicoRosberg 

Nevermind not quitting

I like my job ❤️

Even in an Aston Martin ❤️

 

ChecoPerez 

I smell a vicious liar

 

FernandoAlonso 

Ai I love the sound of being not in Aston Martin

 

NicoRosberg 

You two fuckers are both in an alpine shut up

Me and Lance are doing better than you

 

ChecoPerez 

By 7 points

 

LewisHamilton 

Cadillac is good tbf

 

FernandoAlonso 

Me searching for who asked 🕵🏽🕵🏽🧑‍🦯‍➡️🧑‍🦯‍➡️

 

KimiRaikkonen 

I agree with lewis

Like it but not as much as Ferrari

 

SebastianVettel 

:)

 

KimiRaikkonen 

Not you

Pain in asshole

Meant with Nando

 

SebastianVettel 

:(

You might try sleeping on the couch for the first time tonight

 

LewisHamilton 

HA

YOU CAN SEE HOW IT FEELS WHEN NICO DOES IT TO ME

 

NicoRosberg 

Not this again!!!!

 

KimiRaikkonen 

Joking baby

Love you very much

Thank you for the life you have given me

 

SebastianVettel 

Thin ice kimi

I'll let you off for now

 

DanielRicciardo 

Kimi’s internal monologue: YIPPPPPEEEEEE

 

KimiRaikkonen 

Not capable of that much joy

 

ChecoPerez 

Lmao

 

DanielRicciardo 

Crying what

 

ValtteriBottas 

This is not new news

Seb is the only one that can bring him joy

And his kids

 

KimiRaikkonen 

True

 

SebastianVettel 

They always have said to marry the funniest person you know

 

ChecoPerez 

Who is ‘they’

 

MarkWebber 

I don't think anyone says that

 

DanielRicciardo 

The funniest person I know is my aunt Linda 

I am not willing to marry her

 

MarkWebber 

I'd sure hope so

 

---

 

bâtiment monégasque 4

 

DanielRicciardo 

Be warned

I have just heard lando come screaming and crashing past my apartment 

@NicoRosberg @LewisHamilton he's coming your way

 

LewisHamilton 

What the fuck that's really ominous 😭

 

DanielRicciardo 

@LandoNorris what the fuck is going on mate

 

CharlesLeclerc 

IS THAT WHAT THAT NOISE IS

 

YukiTsunoda 

Totally has nothing to do with me

 

LandoNorris 

Yuki you barefaced fucking liar 😭

 

LewisHamilton 

Guys it is nine in the morning

I beg

Shut up

WHO JUST FELL INTO OUR FRONT DOOR

 

LandoNorris 

AAAAKFTAG @<@<*@&# O97

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Do I need to ring an ambulance je suis inquiet

 

DanielRicciardo 

This genuinely feels like I'm in my early 20s again watching 4 dudes light a bong in my old building and getting chased by the police

Ahh to be in my 20s again 

Anyway shut up

 

LandoNorris 

Sorry for that debacle

Won't happen again

 

YukiTsunoda 

I have been shot

Bruce has been killed

RIP Bruce 2025-2025

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Sorry????

 

LandoNorris 

Hes fine ignore him

Basically there was a huge fuckass spider by my bed

And cause yukis my neighbour I called him over

And he got the spider out

 

DanielRicciardo 

Awww sick I love spiders

 

LandoNorris 

But then the fuckwit chased me with it

Sorry I have been told I have to call him Bruce 

So I dropkicked him

 

DanielRicciardo 

😟 not sick

 

CharlesLeclerc 

The spider or Yuki?

 

LandoNorris 

Both

Long story short Bruce is dead and I'm not asking yuki for help anymore

 

LewisHamilton 

What the fuck was the bang on our door then

 

LandoNorris 

Oh that was me trying to get help

You guys were useless

 

LewisHamilton

Yeah sorry no thanks

Nico wouldn't get up if the apartment was on fire

 

NicoRosberg 

I could SENSE you shit talking shut up and put the phone down cuddle me now you're not doing a very good job with only one arm

 

LewisHamilton 

Yes boss 🫡

 

DanielRicciardo 

Next time you have spider problems you can call me

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Do NOT call me

 

LandoNorris 

Thanks Daniel 

Fuck you charles 

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Eugh no thanks

Dirty work

 

LandoNorris 

ILL HAVE YOU KNOW

I AM ADEQUATE IN BED

 

YukiTsunoda 

Clearly not seb and kimi levels

 

LandoNorris 

Okay but that's not normal

Freaks

I hate all of you

 

Chapter 3

Notes:

I got asked the very important question of who's in what team for this fic, and I completely forgot to mention it. I had a few drivers I kept to their current teams / last years teams and the rest? I whacked on random wheel generator and filled in the gaps and it's... chaotic. No hate, it's all fake!

RED BULL
Max Verstappen
SebastianVettel

FERRARI
Charles Leclerc
Carlos Sainz

MERCEDES
George Russell
Daniel Ricciardo

ASTONMARTIN
NicoRosberg
Lance Stroll

ALPINE
FernandoAlonso
ChecoPerez

VCARB
Yuki Tsunoda
PierreGasly

HAAS
Kevin Magnussen
Nico Hulkenberg

CADILLAC
Lewis Hamilton
Kimi Raikkonen

WILLIAMS
Esteban Ocon
Alex Albon

SAUBER/AUDI
Logan Sargeant
ValtteriBottas

MCLAREN
Lando Norris
Oscar Piastri

in the grid we all fam

 

 

FernandoAlonso 

I just shat myself

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Ew?

 

LandoNorris

Mate go clean it up ffs 

 

FernandoAlonso 

NO NOT ACTUALLY

que carajo I meant cause of the LIGHTS

 

NicoHulkenberg 

What do you mean by this

 

ChecoPerez 

The lights in Alpine went out

Powers down and everything

Made Nando jump

 

FernandoAlonso 

You jumped maybe a foot in the air dickhead

 

ChecoPerez

Liar

 

PierreGasly 

Haha sucks to be you guys

FUCK

Power's out in VCARB too

Nvm guys sorry for laughing 

 

DanielRicciardo 

yup just gone in Merc too

Toto nearly fucking died lmao

 

LewisHamilton 

Not the lmao 💀

 

MaxVerstappen 

Does anyone still have power?

RB definitely don't

 

CarlosSainz 

Not in Ferrari

 

KevinMagnussen 

Or in Haas

 

MaxVerstappen 

Well this is fun isn't it

At least it's during media day!!!!!¡!¡!¡

Fucking hate media day

 

YukiTsunoda 

Couldn't tell

 

MaxVerstappen 

Be quiet or I'll accidentally let slip what you did in Bahrain 🫵

 

YukiTsunoda 

NO

 

MaxVerstappen 

You've been warned

 

PierreGasly 

WHAT did you do

 

YukiTsunoda 

listen yeah

listen

 

LoganSargeant 

Listening…

 

YukiTsunoda 

Lean in real close

 

LoganSargeant 

I'm close

zNO WAIT

 

CarlosSainz 

What

 

YukiTsunoda 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

 

[AlexAlbon took a screenshot of the chat]

 

 

LoganSargeant 

ALEX NO

 

LanceStroll 

I've just woken up from a nap in the pitch black and checked my phone to see this shit

I'm quitting my job as soon as I can be bothered to get up

 

NicoRosberg 

Please don't quit you're the best teammate I've had

 

LanceStroll

Aww 🥺

 

FernandoAlonso

Die

 

LewisHamilton 

I'm literally right here nico 💔

 

NicoRosberg 

Darling respectfully

We are NOT going to unpack all of that

 

LewisHamilton

Yeah okay that's fair

 

SebastianVettel 

Keep that 2016 shit AWAY from this nice groupchat 

Fucking cursed shit ✝️🪦

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Me and Carlos are going Barcelona if anyone wants to come Fred said the power might be off all day

 

LandoNorris 

Me!!!!!!

 

OscarPiastri 

Yh might as well

 

MaxVerstappen 

Anything to get away from the media 👍

 

GeorgeRussell 

Yes deffo, Danny's coming too

@LanceStroll 🙏🏻

 

LanceStroll 

Omw to Merc rn xx

 

DanielRicciardo 

Sick can Scotty and I third wheel you two

 

LanceStroll 

Yes lmao when do you not

Since when was Scotty in Spain

 

DanielRicciardo 

YIPPEE

I dunno some snowboarding thing

 

MaxVerstappen 

Atp it's just double dating

 

DanielRicciardo 

See this yeah? 🖕

 

FernandoAlonso 

I am coming

 

EstebanOcon 

Oop

 

FernandoAlonso 

You shut it

 

MaxVerstappen 

Oh the geriatrics coming

Does someone have his wheelchair and his meds 

 

GeorgeRussell 

Just choked

 

LandoNorris 

deffo bet you said that last night as well 😏

 

FernandoAlonso 

@MaxVerstappen count your fucking days

No lift to Barcelona for you 🚫

I'm not even oldest in this chat

 

KimiRaikkonen 

Bwoah

 

PierreGasly 

Kimi don't listen to him you don't look a day over 50

Wait how old are you

 

SebastianVettel 

He's 45 I'm cackling

 

PierreGasly 

Wait

Oh no

Kimi I am sorry

 

SebastianVettel 

I'm in tears he's so grumpy

 

PierreGasly 

😔

Guys it has been nice knowing you RIP

 

CharlesLeclerc 

RIP Pierre 🙏

 

---

 

GeorgeRussell 

Note to anyone

Warfare is horrific

 

DanielRicciardo 

What he means to say is good movie

Deeply traumatising

 

GeorgeRussell 

I got enticed by the fit men 😔

 

LandoNorris 

Whore

 

LanceStroll 

He nearly threw up fr

Scotty was howling

 

GeorgeRussell 

Moving on swiftly 

How was everyone else's day

 

[FernandoAlonso sent a photo]

 

FernandoAlonso 

Surf 🌊🏄‍♂️

 

LanceStroll 

Dilf 

Who said that 🔫🔫

 

GeorgeRussell 

No fr

 

FernandoAlonso 

😉

 

KevinMagnussen 

😟

 

LoganSargeant 

I'm actually just shocked you managed to get Kimi on a surfboard

 

OscarPiastri 

And Britney lol

 

NicoRosberg 

What does that even mean

 

ChecoPerez 

No Britney is good on surf

Jenson is not 😂

He tripped over board trying to get into sea and nearly drowned in the shallow part

 

JensonButton

☹️

 

MaxVerstappen 

can't breathe I wish you'd videoed it

 

SebastianVettel

Oh we tried

 

LandoNorris 

Hypothetically how far is everyone from here/ how long would it take to get here

 

LandoNorris sent a pin

 

CarlosSainz

Maybe 2 minutes

 

LandoNorris 

Well yes you idiot I'm stood next to you

 

ChecoPerez 

Is that what I think it is

We can be there in 50 minute

Probably soggy but oh well

 

DanielRicciardo 

IS THAT LASER TAG

LANDO NORRIS ARE YOU A GENIUS??

 

OscarPiastri 

No one has ever said that before and no one ever will let's keep it that way please

 

LandoNorris 

@OscarPiastri you are uninvited

 

OscarPiastri 

Don't care me and logan are already on the way

 

CharlesLeclerc 

LASER TAG???

We will be 15 minutes

@AlexAlbon hurry up oh my god

 

AlexAlbon 

MATE

Let a guy tie his shoelaces in peace 😭

 

[CharlesLeclerc sent a photo]

 

LoganSargeant 

Alex Albon get those fucking feet out of my face

 

DanielRicciardo 

Listen I don't get speechless very often but holy fuck i wish id never seen that

 

GeorgeRussell 

Alex mate why are your shoes even off get those dogs hidden quickly

 

AlexAlbon 

CHARLES

everyone pretend they never saw that QUICK 

Also me Charles Max and Estie went rock climbing that's why

 

LanceStroll 

Oh fuck yeah laser tag

We'll be there in 25

Anyone need a lift?

 

ValtteriBottas 

It's alright I'll ride my bike 👍

 

PierreGasly 

Have you got room for me and Yuki?

 

DanielRicciardo 

Aye aye

Send location 

 

PierreGasly 

👍

 

GeorgeRussell 

Can't believe I've just developed PTSD from a war movie and now I'm gonna go re-enact it

 

CharlesLeclerc 

What do you think will happen during this game fucking hell

Do you think your legs will get blown off

 

YukiTsunoda

If me and Max are teammates I cannot promise there will be no general bodily harm

 

AlexAlbon 

SORRY LMAO WHAT

 

NicoHulkenberg 

Right someone write that down

@GeorgeRussell @SebastianVettel best to start writing GPDA statements for when one of us dies

 

GeorgeRussell 

At this rate I'll be the one dead

Good luck Seb

And don't pick Lando as my GPDA replacement 

 

LanceStroll 

Noooo don't die you're too sexy ahaha

 

LandoNorris 

1. what the fuck george

2. what the fuck lance

 

LanceStroll

I dunno bro but I've just given myself the ick

 

CarlosSainz 

How many pints can I reasonably down before everyone gets here

 

MaxVerstappen 

If you're not a pussy, 8

 

JensonButton 

DRUNK LASER TAG???

 

ChecoPerez 

Fucking hell

 

KimiRaikkonen 

Am already drunk

 

OscarPiastri 

You're always drunk that doesn't count

 

LewisHamilton 

I will not be drinking you guys go mental though

 

JensonButton 

I'll drink your drinks too!

 

NicoRosberg 

Last time Jenson got smashed he came up with a masterclass on how to remove Danica Patrick

 

YukiTsunoda 

Remove her from sky sports?

 

NicoRosberg 

That was not specified

 

JensonButton 

Just remove her innit

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Oh!

 

SebastianVettel 

The plan included a whole mission impossible heist

Dropping in from roofs and crawling through vents

Actually the more I think about it the more I think he just recited one of the movies and inserted danica patrick in there somewhere 

 

NicoRosberg 

Yeah that does make more sense…

 

LandoNorris 

Uhhh what time you guys getting here cause Carlos took what Max said to heart and is on pint number 2 in the span of 4 minutes…

 

DanielRicciardo 

We'll be 15

 

SebastianVettel 

35 guys 😭

 

LandoNorris 

He'll be DEAD!!

 

MaxVerstappen 

Stop him drinking then I fail to see the problem

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Max you are so in trouble from Fred 😭

 

MaxVerstappen 

He doesn't scare me

 

OscarPiastri 

What does scare him tbf

 

LoganSargeant 

Daniil Kvyat

 

AlexAlbon 

😦 no fucking way

 

SebastianVettel 

Kvyat scares me too I can't blame him for that

 

LoganSargeant 

I DOTN EVEN KNOE WHAT THAT MEANS ALEX STOLE MY PHONE AND SENT IT

 

MaxVerstappen 

Thin ice Albon I'm watching you

 

GeorgeRussell 

2 strikes for Albono – 1 for having his disgusting dogs out 1 for whatever the fuck is going on now

1 more strike and it's the chair 🚫

 

AlexAlbon 

what chair

😟

Guys 

WHAT CHAIR

 

YukiTsunoda 

Cock torture chair

 

EstebanOcon 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

AlexAlbon 

NO I DONT WNAT THE COCK TORURT CHAIR FUCK SORRY NO NO MORE STRIKES FOR ME SHIT

 

NicoRosberg 

What the actual shit is going on I miss when you guys weren't in F1 and still in the womb

 

LewisHamilton 

My face right now is nothing but pure horror 

GPDA get involved QUICK

 

GeorgeRussell 

We're a trade union mate what the fuck are we gonna do about threats of a cock torture chair

 

ChecoPerez 

You guys don't even want to know what nando just said 

 

CharlesLeclerc 

No I actually very much don't 👍

 

YukiTsunoda 

I do ✋🏼

 

NicoRosberg 

Yuki you are a nasty fucking freak I hope you know that

 

PierreGasly 

😂😂😂

 

YukiTsunoda

Who tf would even operate the cock torture chair

 

LewisHamilton 

Stop asking questions or I'm gonna leak this chat 

 

SebastianVettel 

No please carry on by all means I haven't had this much fun since I was terrorising Webber for a full time job

 

KimiRaikkonen 

Not what you said last night but OK

 

OscarPiastri 

LMAOOOOO

 

EstebanOcon 

Not the old man sex again 😒

 

LandoNorris 

Guys carlos is low-key wasted what do I do

 

SebastianVettel 

Be 5 minutes Fernando thinks he'd try his hand at rallying through the streets of Barcelona because he bet kimi he'd do better in rallying than he did

 

ChecoPerez 

We'll either be there lightning fast or we'll have been arrested 👍🏼

 

CarlosSainz 

BLOMP

 

JensonButton 

Crikey mate 🤣

 

LandoNorris 

Is now a good time to admit that I've accidentally booked us into the horror maze hour long group laser tag instead of the 40 minute team one…

 

GeorgeRussell 

Actually tell me you're kidding

 

OscarPiastri 

Wait what's the difference I'm confused

 

LandoNorris 

So uhm

All of us are in a team and we have to survive an hour in a huge arena while getting chased by like clowns n shit…

 

GeorgeRussell 

I really don't think I can do this

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Me neither lando HOW do you mess that up 😭

 

ValtteriBottas 

Sounds fun! 👍🏼

 

KevinMagnussen 

And Carlos is drunk as shit too 😂

 

ChecoPerez 

hehehe

 

LandoNorris 

Surprise guys!

I'm so sorry 😭😭

 

---

 

fernandoalo_oficial

 Post to main story

 

A picture of him, Jenson and Lewis geared up for laser tag. Alex is shown laughing at someone or something in the background.

 

Caption: Media day is going very well 🔫🙏🏻🎮

 

---

 

sebastianvettel

  Instagram Post

 

Picture of Kimi looking like he's nearly having fun in a dimly lit laser tag arena. Kimi still has a full health bar.

 

Caption: Enjoyed laser tag. So did Kimi. He had the most fun every time he heard George scream on the other side of the arena.

 

---

 

danielricciardo

  Post to close friends story

 

Daniel is cackling behind the camera as he runs after Charles down a corridor. It's unclear whether they're being chased, or if Daniel is just chasing Charles for the fun of it. There's a bang, and what sounds like a chainsaw as Charles screams “Shit!” before the video cuts off abruptly.

 

---

 

f1

  Instagram Post

 

A group picture of the grid before laser tag, and after laser tag. There's a clear difference between the two.

 

Caption: Power outage at the track = team bonding playing laser tag

 

---

 

in the grid we all fam

 

 

NicoRosberg 

I will be sleeping soundly tonight that's for sure, thanks Lando, that was great!

 

LandoNorris 

No worries mate!

 

YukiTsunoda

Best part was when I scared the scare actor and chased them instead 👍🏼

 

LoganSargeant 

CLEARLY I was in the wrong bit of the arena because what 😭

 

EstebanOcon 

That's actually hilarious 

Congrats everyone except @CarlosSainz for making it to the end 🙏🏻😭

 

CarlosSainz 

Not my fault I was drunk 😔

 

PierreGasly 

It is literally ONLY your fault

 

CarlosSainz 

I believe Max messaged me privately and triple donkey dared me and called me a pussy 

 

JensonButton 

Is this true @MaxVerstappen? 🤨

 

MaxVerstappen 

Who is Max?

 

ChecoPerez 

Nice one mate

 

OscarPiastri 

We should do it again sometime soon definitely that was fun

Maybe let someone else book instead of lando though

 

LanceStroll 

I second that 😭

 

LandoNorris 

Yeah that's fair I can't even lie

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Goodnight guys

I will see you on track tomorrow!!

And beat all of you!!

 

LewisHamilton 

Now hold on a minute…

 

FernandoAlonso 

Hmmm maybe not in that shitbox mate

 

CharlesLeclerc 

Forza Ferrari 😔✊️