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“You’ve known these people for six years, James.” Marlene sighs, watching as they take their cane and fold it up into its smaller, more convenient form and put it in one of their trunks.
James just sighs, making sure that the device is well-hidden, “That doesn’t change things.” They shake their head, “I’ve been hiding it from them for this long.”
“Oh yeah, what’s the rest of your life?” They roll their eyes.
“Well as we get older, it’ll be more normal for me to have a cane.”
“One of your best friends uses a cane nearly everyday,” they argue, pausing to say goodbye to the group of parents that took them to the train station together while the three of them head further towards the tracks since the train itself is pulling up and coming to a slow stop, “I doubt he’d have any issue with it.” James doesn’t know why Marlene is trying to argue this with them, this has been a debate since they first started using their cane and neither of them has ever budged on the topic.
They shake their head, “But that’s the thing, he uses it almost everyday.”
Marlene goes to snark back at them, but it’s too late, the train is pulling up and the three are getting onto it and Marlene is splitting from them to go to a room with Mary, Lily, Dorcas, and Pandora. James and Pete are the first to get into their usual room and they settle down. It’s only then that Pete hums, “How is your hip?”
James shrugs with one shoulder, “I mean it hurts, but it’s not unbearable. I can walk just fine.”
Pete sighs, “You know that I don’t like seeing you in pain.”
“I know,” they sigh, leaning their head back and closing their eyes, “I don’t like being in pain.”
“Then just tell the other two, we both know that they’ll understand.” James just shakes their head, they have their reasons for not allowing themself to use their cane around their friends, but it’s not something they feel they can properly articulate, even to the people that they trust the most. So they just suck it up and pretend like they’re not limping or in pain even when they are.
Remus comes in next, settling his own cane against the wall and propping it up against the windowsill of the room and carefully moving his leg to a comfortable position, “How are you two?”
James grins at him, ignoring the kick that Pete sends to their good leg, “I’m doing alright, you?”
Remus shrugs, “I’m having a bit of a flare up,” he gestures to the cane, “As much as dad hates me using it, I was able to convince him that it was just to get on the train.”
“I’m sorry mate, that must suck. Do you know what might be causing the flareup?”
He shrugs again with one shoulder, “Dunno, could be anything at this point. I’ve noticed that it’s getting worse and more consistent recently.”
“Do you think it might be stress?” Pete asks, not looking at Remus, more giving his pointed look towards James. Their joints have been acting up more recently, as they tend to do with the starting of school, and they’re sure it’s because of stress.
“What’s because of stress?” Sirius asks, opening the door to the room and slipping inside. He settles on the bench next to Remus, kissing his cheek and handing him a bag, “French chocolates for my Moony.”
Remus smiles and pecks his lips before turning back into the conversation, “I could see that. I’ve been rather stressed with the starting of this year.”
“Tell me about it,” James nods, widening their eyes theatrically.
Sirius hums, “What’s going on?”
“Moony’s hip is acting up more than usual and it’s probably because of stress.” Pete fills in for him, resolutely kicking at the bag that James put their own cane into. They hiss at him to stop with his antics, brushing it off as nothing other than a petty squabble they got into before boarding the train, when Sirius and Remus question it.
When Remus has to get up to go to the bathroom, Sirius decides to join him so he can ‘make sure that Remus is able to make it alright’. James and Pete know that they’re just trying to get their first tastes of alone time together, but neither of them mind.
Pete whirls on James, “You keep shifting.”
They nod, “It’s starting to hurt more, I think something to do with the motion of the train.”
He hums, “It is bumpier than usual. Are you sure you don’t want to pull your cane out to walk into the actual school when we get off?”
James thinks on it for a moment, and Pete almost thinks that they’re going to concede, after nearly five years of arguing about it. But then they shake their head, “If I do tell them, and that’s a big if, then I’m going to want to be able to sit down and actually explain it, not just grab out my cane and start using it like a person that knows how to use one. Especially not when Remus is having such a hard time.”
“That’s bollocks, James, and you know it.” Pete hisses, “You’re struggling too.”
They shake their head, “Not as much as him.”
“You self sacrificing arse.” He mumbles underneath his breath, “Tell you what, you can use me as a support when we get off the train if you can play it off right. But then you’re telling them.”
“I’ll think about it.” James agrees. Remus and Sirius return not long after, smiling and laughing between themselves, settling down for the rest of the train ride.
When the train finally arrives outside of Hogwarts, James makes sure to stand behind Remus that way their slow descent of the stairs can be easily excused by Remus’ own sluggish movements, his free hand in Sirius’ as the man guides him out of the train.
Once all four of them are on land again, James makes a show of throwing their arm around Pete and leaning their weight onto him, joking about it and playing it off like they’re just trying to annoy him. But he supports every bit of their weight that they need him too while the group slowly heads into the Great Hall for the House Selection then up the stairs once it’s over.
James ignores the pointed look that Marlene gives them.
…
“James, what the fuck are you doing?” Marlene hisses, grabbing them by the arm and dragging them to the side.
“What are you talking about, Marls?”
They give them an incredulous look, “I can see your limp, it’s not subtle. Why are you out here without your braces or your cane? Why are you even out here, you shouldn’t be coaching.”
“It’s just my hip and my ankle, I promise. I hardly use those when flying anyway, my wrists are fine.”
“Where. Is. Your. Cane, James Fleamont Potter?” They push.
James sighs, “It’s up in my dorm.”
“You fucking dolt.” They hiss, reaching up to hit them upside the head, “Why would you leave it up in your dorm and walk all the way down here. You have your fucking cloak of all things, just walk through the halls with your cloak if you’re that insistent about not having people see big bad James Potter having a weakness.” They look around, watching the team for a while. The team watches the captain and their co-captain back, “Let me know how you’re feeling after practice, I’ll walk you up to the dorm, we can make it seem like we’re talking about plans and plays.” They shake their head, “You’re a fucking idiot, go get changed.” James nods, thanks them, and heads into the changing room.
While the captain is changing, Marlene walks back over to the group and gathers their attention, apologising for the hold up and guiding the team through warmups. James comes striding out a moment later, not limping but making a face with every step. Marlene sighs internally.
Practice goes fine for the most part, once James is in the air, they don’t leave it. Until the very end, they leave it up to their co-caption to run through the cooldowns while they make their way to the changing rooms and change.
Marlene waits for them and Sirius after they dismiss everyone and change themself. James comes out first, “I might need your help.”
“I figured.” They shake their head.
“I’m sorry,” James sighs, “I genuinely thought that it would get better. I didn't think it was that aad and it was one of those really gradual ones. I guess I was wrong.”
“You should know by now that you can’t predict it.”
“I know…” they shake their head. Sirius comes out not long after and James once again makes a show of leaning over Marlene and using them as a support.
…
James is about ready to burst.
Almost every day for the past two weeks, something has hurt at some point.
It doesn’t usually get this bad, not even during Winter. Normally during Winter, they only really hurt once a week, maybe twice and they feel perfectly fine for the rest of it.
But not recently.
No.
Every day they’ve been in pain, even if for a moment. And while they don’t normally pay much attention to those days where their hip will hurt for a couple minutes then go away while they’re walking, it doesn’t bother them. But when it’s happening every day, sometimes lasting longer and sometimes going away for only a short interval. But nonetheless, happening for most of the day. Their ankles and wrists have been inconsistent and hurting, making them wear their brace -- which they hate wearing with a passion because they’re sweaty and constricting.
They’re about ready to pull out their cane, because now the pain has been changing.
Two days in a row where it feels like their hip is out of socket, then two days where it’s just inconsistent but longer-lasting pain, and today.
Oh boy today.
Their back hurts, their wrists hurt, and they are experiencing the most excruciating pain in their hip that they’ve felt in the literal years that they’ve been dealing with this joint pain. Even sitting and laying down is too much for them.
There’s no reprieve, and the idea of putting their weight onto their leg -- which they discover that doing so causes the pain to shoot throughout their entire leg and makes their knee give out from the pure sensation -- is too much for them. But they need to get up.
There’s a knock on the door, which is weird. But James can’t bring themself to stand up, so they flick their wand to make sure the door is unlocked and call to tell the person that they can come in.
Marlene is the person that comes into the dorm. They immediately storm up to their bed, their arms crossed, “I’ve been sent to talk some sense into you.”
James pushes themself to sit up, wincing at the sensation that it sends throughout their leg, enough that it knocks the breath from their chest and makes them lose focus for a moment, “What?”
“A little birdy told me that you haven’t been fucking taking care of yourself.” They sit down on James’ bed, moving to lean against the headboard with them, “And where I would normally be willing to tear into you, I’m going to… not do that.”
“Who are you and what did you do with my Marlene?”
They push James’ shoulder, leaning to rest their head on it after, “I hate seeing you in pain, you know this, James.”
James takes a deep breath, closing their eyes and letting it drop back against the headboard, “I know.”
“Pete hates seeing you in pain.” They continue, “And even though they don’t know right now, I know that Remus and Sirius hate the idea of you being in pain. But you are in pain and they don’t know that because you won’t open up about it. You’re struggling James, and at some point you’re going to need to pick between your own health and a possibly awkward conversation that I know won’t be an awkward conversation at all because Remus and Sirius will understand.”
James nods, feeling their eyes begin to well up with tears, “I know I just-” they shake their head, “I just sometimes feel like I’m not as… valid for having my cane because it’s not all the time and it changes sides. I know, logically, that it’s not like that, you don’t have to lecture me about that. But there’s also the fact that Remus is suffering from his own pain more consistently from me and I don’t want to take that away from him or make it seem like I’m mocking him or using a cane because I think it’s cool and not necessary.”
“James…” Marlene sighs, curling into them, “You know that Remus won’t think of you like that. And if someone else does, then fuck them, their opinion shouldn’t matter to you about that. You’ve said yourself that you know your cane use is justified and it does help with your pain, which is all that matters.”
James nods, “I know. I’ll use my cane today to go down to lunch and talk to Remus and Sirius, and the girls if they ask, later when we’re back in the dorms.” Marlene nods and thanks them.
The two are silent for a moment longer, before Marlene breathes in, “Something’s still wrong.”
“I just want it to stop, Marls.” They shake their head, “I’ve never had it get this bad or last this long. I’ve been in pain at some point everyday for the past two weeks and I’m fucking tired of it. I’m fucking tired of being at war with my own body and having to accommodate to the inconsistencies because my own fucking body doesn’t know how to work like fucking normal.”
“I’m sorry,” Marlene shakes their head, “I wish that I could help you. I wish pain draughts did more for you. I wish that I didn’t have to see you like this.” They’re quiet for a moment, “But I honestly think that talking to Remus about your issues will help both of you. I know that he has methods for helping reduce his leg pain and I also know that he has the same issues that you do where he just wants it to go away. I think you two having each other as an outlet and as a support system that understands on a more personal level will help.”
James takes a moment to ponder their childhood friend’s words, then they nod, “Yeah… I’ll- I’ll do that.”
“Good.” Marlene smiles at them, “Do you want me to grab your cane and help you? Pete mentioned you were telling him that it’s worse than normal?”
James nods, explaining to their friend the pain while they move to grab the mobility aid for them. Marlene comes back to them with the cane in hand and James takes it gratefully, unfolding it and planting it on the ground then taking Marlene’s hand to help them stand up, “Oh this is going to kill my wrist with how much I have to lean my weight onto the cane.”
“We’ll bring your wrist then and work slowly, there are a lot of stairs.”
“Damn old architecture and its inability to be inclusive.”
Marlene snorts, walking slowly with them, “It’s sure one thing that muggles got right, Lily has been talking with Remus about the new regulation laws being brought up to be put in place for disabilities. If there’s any way I can help just let me know.”
“We’re going to have to work slowly and take breaks, the cane is helping but not by much.” Marlene nods and helps them out of the dorm and the common room.
It takes a long while for them to get down into the Great Hall with how slowly James is having to work to focus on keeping as much of the pain at bay as possible. But eventually the duo manages to make it down there and to the Gryffindor table where their friends are waiting for them.
Sirius and Remus only seem slightly shocked, as do the girls, but none of them comment on it as Marlene outstretches their hand to help James sit down and Pete looks between those two, “I’m glad that you could finally get it through to them. How are you feeling James?”
“Like shit, even sitting is excruciating, which is weird, but…” they shake their head, “I’m down here.”
“Do you think you’re going to be able to go to classes tomorrow?”
They hum, “Does it matter? It changes every day.” Pete just gives them a bittersweet smile.
“What the fuck is happening?” Sirius says, “James, what’s going on?” Remus doesn’t say anything, he just watches James, his eyes consistently landing down onto the handhold of the cane where it’s sitting against the table.
James sighs and leans against Marlene’s shoulder to take as much weight off their hip as possible, “I’m uhm… I have a joint disorder thing that can cause me some pretty bad pain, specifically in my hips, but it’s been unbearable and all throughout my legs the past couple of days. I usually try to hide it and not bother with it but, but it’s bad enough that Marlene actually managed to ‘talk some sense into me.’”
“Oh shit,” Remus hums, “How long have you had a cane?”
Pete seems to know that James isn’t going to answer, so he shrugs, “What, five years now?”
“Why haven’t you said anything?”
They shake their head, “We’re not talking about this now. I’ll answer all your questions later, when we’re back in our dorm. “ The others agree and get back into their dorm not long after, James grateful that they now have an explanation for why they’re moving so slow.
Marlene pecks their cheek when they get into the common room before turning and going with the girls towards their dorm. The boys head up to their own dorm. Everyone settles in their own places -- Pete sitting at the foot of James’ bed with James themself leaning back against the headboard in a way to stop as much pain as possible, then Remus and Sirius leaning against each other on Remus’ bed.
None of them speak. James knows that their friends are letting them form their thoughts. They clear their throat, “This has been an issue of mine for, like Pete said, almost five years. It wasn’t until summer of last year that I finally got a diagnosis or anything from it. A couple years ago, my mum gave me one of her walking sticks when I was complaining about the pain and we were shocked when we learned that it actually helped a bit, so mum and dad went out and got me a cane since it was the only thing that we found helped. I’ve been using a cane since but I’ve hidden it from you guys.”
“Why?” Remus asks, “You know that we wouldn’t have a problem with it.”
James sighs, “At first, it was because I didn’t have a name for it so I just assumed that everyone thought I was lying or making things up just to get attention, and you had a cane and a valid reason to use it most days so…” they shake their head, “Then there was the fact that it always changes. Some days I don’t need it at all, others I need it for part of the day whether I need it in the morning but not the evening or vice versa, and what leg is being hurt changes constantly so… I figured that would just make it look more like I was lying for attention.”
“That’s not how that works,” Remus shakes his head, “Other disabled people aren’t going to doubt you for needing a mobility aid if it’s clear that you’re using it.”
“I know.” they shake their head, “It’s just hard. I feel like I’m faking sometimes.”
“If you ever feel like that or someone is making you feel like that,” Sirius says, “Tell me and I’ll fuckin’ deal with them, just like it is with my Moony.”
James huffs a laugh, “Thank you Pads.”
“Without a doubt, Prongs.” He smiles, “And you look cool as fuck with your cane.”
James laughs once more, “You’re ridiculous.”
Book_Dragon_6742 Fri 28 Mar 2025 04:15AM UTC
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VinylFox_Books Fri 28 Mar 2025 05:53PM UTC
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