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Coming home after his shifts still feels weird. Somehow weirder than his first few days here, actually. Now what he’s moved in with all his stuff, his furniture and his photographs, all on display… well - it doesn’t match, not fully. His mind superimposes everything, two versions of the same space, one is his, one is Eddie’s. On occasion, he still bumps on a bookcase he forgot he put there or goes to throw his keys on a table that’s no longer here. The first few days, the reminder felt like a ghost, cold and empty and haunting, of a piece of his life - of himself - that was missing. He’ll admit that, now that a few weeks have gone by, it feels almost comforting. He knows this house like the back of his hand, where the floorboards creak and squeak, the spot where the bathroom sink leaks, the back door that doesn’t close properly. The colour discrepancy on the wall of Eddie’s bedroom where they painted over the holes with the wrong shade of white. Chris’ height chart on the door frame, left untouched, like the rest of Chris’ room. Even if Eddie and Chris aren’t there, there are pieces of them left all over the place.
The silence, when he gets home, is the worst part. It’s especially gutting when he doesn’t hear from Eddie in a while. Buck takes his shoes off when he crosses the threshold and, before the quiet can creep in, he connects his phone to the speaker next to the TV. Islands in the Stream plays, one of the more recent additions to the “Yeehaw 🤠” Spotify playlist Chris sent him a few days ago. Buck listens to it religiously every chance he gets.
It’s late, the sun has set, but Buck isn’t tired. He showers and when he’s done he settles on the couch, dragging a soft towel through his damp curls. His phone is where he left it, on the coffee table, and as he grabs it he tries to ignore the way his heart does somersaults in his chest when he sees a message from Eddie.
hi buck, you’re home?
Eddie and him haven’t spoken on the phone for almost a week. Buck’s trying not to overthink it, no they’re not drifting apart, they’re just busy.
are you asleep? busy day?
Actually, not at all. They received only 4 calls the entire 24-hour shift. Buck was bored out of his mind. He kinda wanted to annoy Ravi into saying the Q-word.
i’m home, not tired. call?
Eddie’s reply comes a few minutes later. Buck’s trying to not seem too desperate but he jumps on the notification either way.
sorry, can’t. family is still around.
Buck’s hopes plummet. Fuck, he misses Eddie’s voice, he missed him so much it’s like a physical ache. But he knows today is one of Eddie’s cousin’s birthday, Pablo, and he knows Eddie’s still on thin-enough ice with his parents to not add fuel to the fire by leaving early.
A second later, a picture comes. It’s a badly taken selfie, he can see the dozen people in the backyard chatting below soft fairy lights. The sky is still full of colours, bright oranges and reds. Eddie’s face is only partly in the frame, but he’s smiling. Buck puts a heart emoji on the picture and saves the photograph to his phone.
it’s alright. you can text?
He’ll take whatever he can get.
They text for the next half an hour. It’s not Facetime but it’s still Eddie, and he feels himself relaxing, unwinding, finally at ease.
He asks so many questions. “How did Chris’ history presentation go?”, “Did you try the new thaï place with your sisters yet?”, “Did you decide on the paint for the kitchen?”. He wants to know everything he’s been missing, from 800 miles away. And Eddie, who never fails to indulge him, replies diligently to everything he sends.
He learns Chris is actually with Isabel tonight. He’s having a few friends sleepover and his grandparents refused to host (apparently disliking the thought of a bunch of 14 year olds running around messing up their house, who’s surprised) and Chris didn’t want to stay at Eddie’s house so. Isabel it is.
There’s a lull in the conversation when Buck goes to get himself some water and, unfortunately for him, Eddie takes the opening as an invitation.
okay your turn buck, what’s going on with you?
And Buck… Well. The main thing going on with him at the moment is that he had a drunken one-night-stand with his ex in Eddie’s house - his house - and Buck hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it since. He brought Tommy here, kissed him, touched him, in a room where Eddie slept only a few weeks ago.
buck?
That snaps him out of it.
i’m here, sorry just went to get water.
Look, he’s just not gonna mention it. No need to make it a thing.
i’m fine, i’m good, you know? nothing much going on, shift was okay
Wait - is not mentioning it making it a thing? It’s fine, right? It’s not a big deal. At some point Buck was going to bring someone back here, it was bound to happen. It’s normal, there’s nothing weird about it.
everyone doing okay?
Why does it still feel weird?
yeah all good!
After a second he adds,
we all miss you
There’s a pause where Buck watches the bubbles come and go.
i miss you too
“You” as in everyone, right. Right?
how is it going with Ravi?
Oh, Ravi. Their next shift after the drinking debacle, Ravi barged in the locker room to apologise for ditching him at the bar that night. Buck didn’t blame him, he knows he can be a lot to be around. He knows the conclusion to their night out wasn’t ideal, but Ravi’s back to tiptoeing around him slightly and that’s, well, not helping the devastating loneliness.
bobby’s stopped calling him eddie so that’s something!!
it’s still a bit strange tbh, but we’re getting used to it
This time, Eddie’s reply is instantaneous.
yeah, well. he’s lucky to have you to watch his back
not sure he agrees with that
Buck loves Ravi, the same way he loves Hen and Chim and Bobby. But God how he misses the effortless synchronicity he’s always had with Eddie.
getting a new partner is always weird buck
go out for drinks, invite him out somewhere, he’ll liven up in no time
Buck doesn’t want a new partner. Also, the going out attempt made things worse.
yeah that didn’t really work…
so you did go out! was it that bad?
you didn’t get him drunk did you?
it’s not my fault he kept losing??
That actually wasn’t his fault.
oh God, did you play quarters??
nevermind, no wonder he hates you
guilty lol. but that’s on you
sure Buckley, keep telling yourself that
It’s not the first time Eddie calls him that. Keep walking Buckley , comes to mind. It makes his heart beat faster in his chest and- nevermind.
you took him clubbing too? same place?
One time, also after too many tequilas, a very drunk Buck took Eddie to a queer-friendly club on the other side of town. He spent the rest of the night embarrassing himself on the dance floor while Eddie mostly watched from the bar. He doesn’t remember much, but Eddie’s got the videos. He does remember them dancing together one time. He hasn’t gone back there since.
no clubbing, he left early
he left you alone??
not technically no
??
He could just leave it there. Change the subject. Eddie can come to his own conclusions and they don’t need to talk about it. No need to make it awkward.
buck?
Fuck. He does want to talk about it though. Even past the whole house thing, Buck did do the very cliché thing of jumping back in bed with his ex and he wants to talk to Eddie about it. Eddie knows about everything that went down between him and Tommy, how they left it, the how and why Tommy broke up with him.
“Now that the competition is out of the way”. Another thing he desperately wants to talk about.
ravi saw tommy at the bar
he brought him over to our table and he left
so no i wasn’t alone, i was with tommy
He sends his message all in one go, and the read receipt stares back at him for one, two, close to three minutes before Eddie’s reply comes along. Buck holds his breath.
i’ll have words with him
Buck’s eyes widen. He leans forward, his fingers reaching out to fidget with a loose thread on a cushion.
with tommy??
with ravi
Right, with Ravi, yes.
ravi already apologised it’s all good
He can’t help himself, he’s already typing by the time his brain catches on.
tommy mentioned you stopped talking to him after we broke up
He waits barely a minute but it feels like forever.
yeah. i didn’t like how he treated you so
Of course. Eddie has always been in his corner, always taking his side. He shouldn’t be surprised, and he’s not, not really, but it’s nice to hear.
so… you were there with tommy
Buck can picture Eddie frowning down at his phone from here. He gets it, spending time with an ex is always a bit of a slippery slope. One Buck fell all the way down.
yeah we were chatting, catching up
how are you feeling? back to baking?
Eddie doesn’t ask how Tommy was.
nah no baking whatsoever, i’m good
That’s a lie. There has been some baking happening recently, his fridge is storing at least 2 or 3 banana breads he’s going to give to Bobby next shift. It has nothing to do with Tommy.
why didn’t you tell me
idk
Another lie.
you could have called me when you got home
Definitely not.
it was late
i would have picked up
He knows.
i know
i’m here if you need me
But he’s not here, that’s the whole point. And Buck doesn’t blame him, he knows why Eddie had to go and he knows it was the right thing to do. He doesn’t feel an ounce of anger or bitterness towards either Eddie or Chris for leaving, he’s just sad. And so goddamn lonely.
buck what’s going on? you fell asleep?
i slept with tommy
There. It’s out.
what
yeah i know, i’m an idiot
The bubbles make an appearance again. He imagines Eddie typing and deleting his words, deciding how to respond to him behaving, once again, like a massive fuck-up.
buck it’s late, are you tired?
It’s… not the question he was anticipating. “Are you stupid?” would have been expected.
no?
Eddie’s reply comes in immediately.
give me 15 minutes
?
The playlist has long since finished and the place is silent again. There aren’t many cars driving past this time of night but the occasional dog-owner strolls past for the last walk of the day before bedtime.
Buck feels the tension in his chest, notices how his leg’s bouncing fast, restless. Is Eddie about to stage an intervention all the way from Texas? He wants to ask, wants to tell him it’s not necessary. But Eddie’s probably saying goodnight to his family as he bows out of the party to drive home, and Eddie told him to wait so- he will. He occupies himself however he can, washes the couple of plates left in the sink from last night, folds up some laundry. He’s trying not to think.
It’s after a long 17 minutes that Eddie finally calls. The ringtone - What a Man - is loud in the living room and Buck almost trips on his way back to the living room to pick it up.
“Eddie, hi-“
“You slept with Tommy?”
Well, an intervention is it then. Through the phone, Buck can’t hear anything on the other side of line but Eddie’s ragged breath.
“You ran home or what?”, he chuckles.
“It’s kind of an emergency. Also, I needed a good excuse to get out of there.”
Buck can’t help but smile. Hearing Eddie’s voice again, all soft and fond, feels like stepping outside on a sunny day. He reclines on his couch, his head tilting back to rest on the top of the cushion. The ceiling, off white from years of being left untouched, is intimately familiar to him. He could draw its patterns, stains, and cracks, blind.
“So you told your parents I slept with Tommy and they let you go?”
There’s shuffling on the other end of the line. Coat hung up, keys put down, shoes off.
“Yeah that’s exactly what I said.”, he replies, deadpan.
A pause. Buck braces himself for the strike. Here we go.
“Buck, why would you do that?”
But Eddie’s voice is not accusatory, and the defences Buck prepared crumble down. Why did he do it? He knows why, of course he knows.
“I-“, he sighs, “I was lonely, he was there, he wanted me, so…”
He was lonely because Eddie’s not here. Tommy was here when Eddie wasn't. Tommy wanted him like Eddie doesn’t. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
Well, turns out he is in love with his straight best friend.
What a fucking cliché. He needs to hang up, he needs to go -
“Actually Eddie sorry, it’s getting late I should-“
“ I want you.”
It sounds like a release, not falling but jumping over the edge, certain and unequivocal. It hits Buck like lightning all over again. He blinks, his mouth opens and closes, unable to utter a single syllable.
“What?”, Buck exhales, barely finding his voice.
“I- That’s not-“, Eddie sounds nervous all of a sudden, like the boldness and spirit is vacating his body. “I wasn’t gonna talk about this now, I was gonna wait until I got back but-“. He takes a breath. “But I’ve been figuring some things out and- one of those things is that I’m in love with you”.
Buck’s vision blurs, the grip on his phone hard as iron. He’s frozen still, scared to move an inch, scared to break whatever fucking fever dream this must be.
“Are you serious?”, he whispers, not trusting his voice not to crack.
“I’m dead serious Buck.”, and Eddie laughs,
“Loving you is the easiest thing in the world Buck.”, he says like he hasn’t just tilted the world on its axis. Like it’s effortless, loving him, and saying it. “I’m sorry it’s taken me leaving to see it.”
“Say it again, please.”
He knows he sounds desperate, a man starved. Eddie doesn’t make him wait. He says it slow, gentle, like he’s talking to a spooked horse and he might as well be - Buck’s not sure he’s ever been so scared in his entire life.
“I love you, Evan. You’ve been right in front of my goddamn nose all these years, for me and for Chris, and I was so blind.”, he scoffs, “I didn’t see it. I know it now. I’ve never been so sure.”
Holy shit. This is real, he gets to have this. He gets to have the house, the place he’s always felt safe in, and he gets to have it with Eddie and with Chris. He laughs, incredulous, he’s not sure what to say, where to begin.
“I know, we’re idiots.”, Eddie says and it’s them - Buck and Eddie - the person he knows by heart and who knows him in return. Who loves him in return.
He’s never been more scared, yes. He’s also never been this happy.
“Can’t believe it took a hook-up in a bathroom stall with Tommy of all people.”
A Buck’s breath catches.
“Actually… it was here.”
He hears Eddie inhale sharply, and then, slowly,
“Buck, did you sleep with Tommy in my house?”
There’s a tonal shift, a clear possessiveness in Eddie’s tone, something desperate. Buck swallows around the sudden tightness in his throat.
He shouldn’t push, he should leave it alone but Buck’s never been good at being rational when it comes to Eddie Diaz.
“Y-yeah.”
“Where?”
His voice shakes, “Eddie?”
“Where, Buck?”
Eddie’s breathing sounds more erratic by the second. Buck’s body suddenly feels like it’s on fire, like he’s gonna combust any second. Eddie’s words, laced with demanding desire, has him answer with surprising cockiness.
“I kissed him first.”, he confesses.
He did. Buck saw, plain as day, at the bar how Tommy wanted him. It didn’t take much, one offer to see the place and here they were, tumbling across the threshold. Tommy wanted him, and Buck would have done anything to not be alone.
“I- I pushed him against the wall. We made out for a bit.”
It felt good. Tommy was still familiar enough he knew what to do, where to touch to get him to want more.
“Buck, this is a promise, next time I see you, I’m gonna push you against a wall and kiss you until you forget your own fucking name, okay?”
He imagines it, erases Tommy’s hands gripping his hips and replaces them with Eddie’s. Even in his head, it feels better. He’s not just wanted, he’s loved, too.
“Please, yes .” he gasps
“Are you touching yourself?”
No actually, his free hand is gripping his thigh, he hasn’t moved it an inch. But by the sound of Eddie’s ragged breath and broken sighs, he is. The thought sends him spiralling. He’s hard, straining against his jeans.
“No, not yet.”, he says, panting.
“Why not?”, and there’s a hint of a smile in his question. He already knows the answer.
Buck feels himself blush, his face heating up all the way down to his chest even though no one is watching. He bites down on his lower lip.
“Say it, sweetheart.”
A whimper escapes him. Edmundo Diaz will be the death of him. The feeling seems to be mutual. Eddie sounds just as wrecked as Buck feels.
“I want you to tell me I can.”
Eddie moans at the admission and it’s the hottest thing Buck has ever heard. He’s suddenly desperate for it. He’s slept with more people than he can count and they all pale in comparison to this. His senses feel heightened, he feels every sensation tenfold, like the drag on his shirt on his sensitive nipples as his chest rises and falls with every bated breath.
“You want me to tell you to touch yourself?”
Buck nods furiously before he realises Eddie can’t see him.
“Y-yeah, yes please.”
He hears Eddie’s movements sharpen, his breathless moans, and he’s dying with the desire to see him. To see what he looks like right now, how Eddie would look down at him, hungry and eager to devour him whole.
“Fuck, you’re so perfect Buck, so good.”
Buck’s grip on his thigh stiffens and his hips jerk up in the air, desperate for friction.
“Has Tommy ,” Eddie’s pronounces the name with contempt, voice full of disdain, “ever told you that?”
He has. It doesn’t hold a candle to hearing Eddie say it, not even close.
“Sometimes, y-yeah.”
“And you like it, yes? When someone tells you you’re being good?”
“Not someone.”, he says, shaking his head, “ You , just want you.”
He wants no one else, he wants Eddie to be his last. He wants to wake up in the morning by his side, his face buried in Eddie’s neck. He wants to make them pancakes every Sunday and drive them to the beach on their days off. He wants to cuddle on the couch, fall asleep watching movies. He wants to kiss Eddie until he’s drunk with it.
“Go ahead Buck,” Eddie sounds wrecked. “Touch yourself. For me”
Buck makes quick work of his belt and all but shoves his pants and boxers down. He’s so hard he knows it won’t take long so he starts slow, moans at every flick of his wrist.
“Are you in bed?”
“On the couch.”
It feels almost dirty, jerking off with Eddie’s voice in his ear on the couch. He feels exposed, vulnerable, and it’s only making him harder.
“Is that where you and Tommy fucked?”
It keeps on surprising him, hearing Eddie talk like this, devoid of shackles, not holding himself back. Letting himself be free. He knows how much courage that takes - he falls in love all over again.
“No, bedroom.”
“You and Tommy fucked in my bedroom.”, Eddie groans, “Never again Buck, he doesn’t get to touch you again.”
“I know Eds, only you.”
Eddie is it for him. Right now, the rest of the world could disappear and he would not give a single fuck. He just needs Eddie to keep talking.
“What happened next?”
He describes leading Tommy to the bedroom, pulling him by his shirt, keeping him close.
“I went down on my knees, started sucking him off.”
“Your mouth is mine Buck, don’t think of him, picture me instead.”
And he does, he imagines Eddie standing, towering over him, a hand in his curls bringing his cock into Buck’s waiting mouth. He imagines looking up and meeting Eddie’s eyes and his hand speeds up, shaking from the vision they would make.
“I want to suck you off, get on my knees for you, I’m so good at it”, he moans, “I’ll make you feel so good.”
He feels the pressure build up, the telltale sign of an orgasm quickly approaching.
“Eddie, fuck baby- please”
“Did he fuck you?”, Eddie groans.
“Yes”
“I can’t wait to get my hands all over you, you’ll forget about everyone else.”
Buck has no doubt he will.
“ Fuck - I’m close” Eddie gasps.
Something is unleashed in Buck then, he wants so badly to see it, to feel it in person. He’ll have to settle for this for now, but he’d rather die than miss any of it. He presses his phone harder to his ear, desperate to hear Eddie unravel.
“I wish I could see you, I want- I want to make you come.”
“You are. Go faster baby, you’re gonna come with me ok?”
He obliges, his back arching off the couch as his rhythm quickens.
“Yes please, oh fuck Eddie -“
“That’s it let me hear you sweetheart, you’re fucking perfect.”
That does it. He does as he’s told, and comes with Eddie, their moans blending together and when he closes his eyes, Buck can almost pretend Eddie is right here with him.
When he comes down, he grabs a couple of tissues from the coffee table to wipe away the mess before quickly getting up to get rid of the evidence. The silence between them is comfortable, easy.
As Buck relaxes back on the couch, his breath evening out, he finds himself grinning so hard his cheeks hurt. He’s not sure he’s ever felt this good.
“Best sex I’ve ever had.”, he sighs.
The scoff Eddie makes only makes him smile wider. Buck speaks before Eddie can respond.
“I love you too, by the way.”
It’s simple, effortless. He doesn’t have to think twice.
“I hope that’s not just the dopamine talking?”
Eddie tries to aim for sarcastic but he sounds impossibly fond instead.
“No, it’s all you.”
Buck wishes he could hold him, a desire so palpable it aches in his chest. This is what he’s been looking for all these years, in all the wrong places. Turns out, it was always right here, already made, this space for Eddie and Chris and himself, together. They just had to open their eyes and see it.
“I think Tommy knew. That’s why he broke up with me. He knew I would realise one day, it’s always been you, Eddie.”
He listens to Eddie breath through it, the realisation that yes, this is real. Buck will wake up every day and will decide to love this man, this family, for as long as he breathes.
“I love you so much Buck. Now can we please never talk about Tommy again?”
Buck laughs, and sure he can do that. Although, he does like seeing Eddie jealous. He keeps that in mind, for another time.
Eddie yawns. It’s even later in El Paso than it is here. It’s properly late now. By the quiet outside, the whole world seems asleep. As peaceful as he feels. They get into bed together, as together as they can be, in relative silence. He pictures Eddie changing into his pyjamas, lying down in a room that’s not home. He wishes he was there with him.
“Any other bomb you wanna drop on me while you’re at it?”
Eddie pauses, only for a second.
“I’m gay.”
They laugh, but there’s not much vigour to it. Buck feels his eyelids getting heavier the longer he lies there, on the right side of the bed, his phone on the pillow next to him.
“Good to know”, Buck mumbles, “Thank you for telling me Eds.”
They breathe together, in sync, as always, as Buck faces the empty space with his eyes barely open.
“When are you coming back?”
Now that he knows he gets to have this, waiting seems impossible. Still, he’ll wait forever if he has to.
“Soon, I’ll be home soon”
The empty space that, soon, Eddie will fill. They’ll fall asleep, together, just like they are now. No longer alone.