Work Text:
Official poster for "Forbidden Force: A Jedi Summer Romance"
The lights dimmed in the private viewing room deep within the Jedi Temple. Master Mace Windu settled into his seat, a small bowl of shuura fruit balanced on one knee. The sweet, tangy aroma of the yellow fruit filled his nostrils as he selected a particularly ripe piece. He had told no one, absolutely no one, about this advance screening. As far as the rest of the Council knew, he was engaged in deep meditation on the nature of shatterpoints.
It was an inevitability, really. People loved to make holofilms about all sorts of things. The Jedi were one such topic. There was a range, like in all things, and some were very good. There was a retelling of the story of Nomi Sunrider from 740 years prior which Mace still pulled out every now and then to be inspired by. The colors were vibrant, the lightsaber choreography impeccable. However, there were also terrible holos. Low budget, low research, low brow.
It was imperative that the Jedi Council keep their finger to the pulse of what the public thought of the order. One way they did this was to keep an eye on the holofilms that were released related to or about the Jedi.
Now, the vast majority of these films were alright. There were many, many documentaries released and some quite good docudramas. Quite a few solid and award-winning historical pieces that were venerated. But for every wonderful holofilm there were six affronts to the Force itself. Traditionally different Councillors had this done it in different ways.
Yoda loved to delegate. But Mace felt the ancient master spent more time trying to figure out the perfect Jedi to watch the right holofilm for them. It could be very rewarding and Mace loved the one Yoda recommended to him in his youth, but Mace found it easier to just hunker down and watch them as they came and report back to the council as needed. It had nothing to do with his well-known love of theater and film. Of course not. It was merely his duty as a Jedi. He did not always enjoy the films, but most had some redeeming qualities. It was getting closer to summer now, and so more of the big box office hits would be released. Also more of the kids and teen movies. They were not his favorites, but often had some interesting characters and plots at least. They also tended to be Jedi-Positive, if often Jedi-wrong. It really was very important to stay abreast of what was going on. And Mace was just doing his duty. The film started.
The Coruscant Film Board holographic rating appeared, followed by a swirl of stars and the gaudy logo of Lumenex Productions. Mace took a deep breath, preparing himself mentally. The subtle scent of polished durasteel and clean fabric from the viewing room's immaculate upholstery couldn't mask his anticipation.
"FORBIDDEN FORCE: A JEDI SUMMER ROMANCE," proclaimed the opening title in shimmering blue letters that inexplicably transformed into fire.
A narrator's voice, melodramatic and far too enthusiastic, boomed through the speakers: "In a galaxy far, far away... on the hidden Jedi beach retreat known only to the wisest masters... SUMMER BREAK HAS BEGUN!"
Mace winced, his fingers tensing around a piece of fruit. There was no Jedi beach retreat, secret or otherwise. (Unfortunately.) There was no summer break from Jedi training. Already, this was worse than average.
The scene opened on a blindingly sunny beach. Wave after perfect wave crashed against pristine white sand with a rhythmic, calming sound that made Mace momentarily wish such a place existed for Jedi. A row of small huts with what appeared to be lightsaber-shaped weather vanes stood facing the ocean. Palm trees swayed in a gentle breeze, fronds rustling softly in the background audio. A sign made of driftwood read "JEDI SUMMER CAMP: MAY THE SURF BE WITH YOU."
Mace closed his eyes briefly, the shuura fruit momentarily forgotten. This was going to be painful.
A group of young "Padawans" jogged into frame, all impossibly attractive, all wearing what could only be described as skimpy approximations of Jedi robes, cropped tunics, shortened leggings, and, most egregiously, Padawan braids hanging down the wrong side of their heads. They ran in slow motion across the sand, the camera lingering far too long on their athletic physiques, the sound of their laughter mixed with the crash of waves.
"Another summer at Jedi camp!" exclaimed the lead character, a human male with perfect teeth and hair that somehow remained artfully tousled despite the ocean breeze. His Padawan braid swung wildly as he performed an unnecessary backflip. "The only time of year when Master Yolo says we can, like, totally relax our connection to the Force!"
Mace nearly choked on a piece of shuura fruit, the sweet juice dribbling down his chin before he hastily wiped it away. Master Yolo? Relax their connection to the Force?
The scene shifted to show a montage of young Padawans engaged in activities that had absolutely nothing to do with Jedi training: surfing on boards painted to look like lightsabers, having splash fights in the ocean, and building elaborate sand castles using what the film suggested was telekinesis but was clearly just standard holofilm special effects. The soundtrack swelled with upbeat, summery music that would undoubtedly become annoyingly catchy.
"This is going to be the best summer ever," declared a Twi'lek female Padawan whose lekku were adorned with beaded jewelry that would have been completely impractical in actual combat. "I can't wait for the annual Padawan beach party and lightsaber limbo contest!"
Mace pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling the first stirrings of a headache. A lightsaber limbo contest...would be deadly. This was perhaps the worst misrepresentation of Jedi life he had ever witnessed, and yet, he couldn't look away.
The plot, such as it was, began to unfold. The male Padawan protagonist, whose name was apparently "Kylen Starsurfer," was a perpetually shirtless human who had been top of his class at the Temple but struggled with "following his heart." His love interest, "Astra Moonbeam," was a new transfer student from "the Outer Rim Jedi Academy" (which did not exist) who excelled at "emotional Force techniques" (which also did not exist).
They met when Kylen crashed his surfboard into hers, sending them both tumbling into the waves in a tangle of limbs and Padawan braids. The sound of splashing water and exaggerated gasps filled the viewing room.
"I'm so sorry," Kylen spluttered as they both surfaced, inexplicably dry. "I was distracted by... by..."
"By what?" asked Astra, pushing her perfectly styled wet hair out of her eyes, droplets of water glistening like diamonds on her skin.
"By the way the Force glows around you," Kylen replied, staring intensely. "I've never felt the midichlorians react this way before."
Mace actually groaned aloud, the sound echoing in the empty viewing room. That was not how the Force worked. That was not how midichlorians worked. That was not how anything worked.
"I don't like sand," Astra confessed as they sat together on a beach blanket later in the film, her fingers idly playing with a shell as the sunset painted the sky in impossible shades of pink and orange. "It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Not like you. You're soft and smooth."
"Sometimes when I look at you," Kylen responded, leaning closer, the background music swelling with string instruments, "I feel like I'm floating in the water, with nothing but your beauty surrounding me."
Their dialogue continued in this vein, each line more painfully contrived than the last, as gentle music swelled in the background. Mace found himself simultaneously appalled and still unable to stop watching. The bowl of shuura fruit sat forgotten in his lap.
The film introduced various subplot elements: a rival Padawan who also had feelings for Astra; a talent show where Kylen planned to debut his original song "The Force Between Us"; a misunderstanding involving a secret admirer note delivered to the wrong hut; and a completely unnecessary subplot about saving the beach from developers who wanted to build a "Sith-themed water park." The scarlet lighting design for the villainous developers' headquarters made Mace roll his eyes so hard he nearly strained something.
"The Jedi Council would never allow this," declared one character, a Padawan "camp counselor" who wore his robe on top of his swimsuit open to display impressive abdominal muscles at all times, the fabric somehow billowing dramatically even when there was no breeze. "They're all away at their annual retreat on the meditation moon."
Mace frowned, the expression deepening the lines on his forehead. Meditation moon? Maybe the Council should take a meditative retreat? He could sure use one after this.
In one particularly egregious scene, the Padawans held a bonfire party where they roasted marshmallows using their lightsabers and played a game called "Truth or Force Dare." The crackle of the fire and the exaggerated sizzle of marshmallows hitting plasma blades made Mace wince at and hope none of the actual Padawans would try this.
"I dare you to use the Force to kiss me," Astra told Kylen, batting her eyelashes, the firelight casting a golden glow on her features.
"That would be an inappropriate use of the Force," Kylen replied seriously.
For a moment, Mace felt a spark of hope, his posture straightening slightly. Perhaps there would be some accurate representation of Jedi ethics after all.
But then Kylen grinned and added, "So I guess I'll have to do it the old-fashioned way," before leaning in for a kiss as sparklers inexplicably went off in the background, accompanied by a swell of music that seemed to incorporate the sound of what the composer apparently thought the Force might sound like.
As the film progressed through its predictable plot points, the misunderstanding that drove the lovers apart, the rival's scheme being revealed, the reconciliation just in time for the big surfing competition, Mace found himself, against all better judgment, emotionally invested. The portrayal was absurd, the dialogue was painful, the understanding of Jedi philosophy was completely wrong, and yet... there was something oddly compelling about the simple story. The way the light caught the tears in Astra's eyes as she confronted Kylen made Mace reach absently for another piece of fruit.
The climax of the film involved Kylen and Astra using "the power of their combined Force bond" (complete with visual effects showing their auras merging in a riot of blue and purple energy) to create a massive wave that would win the surfing competition and somehow also prevent the construction of the Sith water park.
"We're stronger together than apart," Kylen declared, gripping Astra's hand as they stood on their surfboards, water spraying around them in dramatic slow motion. "The Masters were wrong, love doesn't weaken our connection to the Force, it makes it stronger!"
"I know," Astra replied, gazing into his eyes, her hair somehow still perfect despite the ocean spray. "I've sensed it since the moment we met. Our midichlorians are literally singing to each other!" Mace winced again.
"Together, then," Kylen said, raising their joined hands, the sunlight glinting off the water around them. "One with each other..."
"One with the Force," Astra finished.
They proceeded to create an impossibly perfect wave through the power of "Force-enhanced love" and rode it together in perfect synchronization, their Padawan braids whipping dramatically in the wind (still on the wrong side of their heads). The sound design team had created a bass-heavy rumble for the wave that made the speakers in the viewing room vibrate slightly.
In the film's final scene, the two young Padawans stood on the beach at sunset, having somehow convinced "Master Yolo" that "love should be part of the Jedi Code." The golden-orange light bathed them in a flattering glow as seabirds called softly in the distance.
"I don't like following rules," Kylen said, gazing at the horizon. "But I'd follow you across the galaxy."
"And I'd be right beside you," Astra replied, "because wherever we are together, that's where the Force wants us to be."
"Until next summer, then," Kylen whispered as they leaned in for a final kiss before they went back to their separate academies. The credits began to roll over a pop song with lyrics about "feeling the Force of your love."
The lights gradually brightened in the viewing room. Mace Windu sat motionless in his seat, the bowl of shuura fruit long forgotten in his lap. He was experiencing a complex mix of emotions. Horror at the complete misrepresentation of everything the Jedi stood for, embarrassment at having watched the entire film, and, most disturbingly, a strange sense of satisfaction at the happy ending.
He would need to meditate on this feeling. At length. Perhaps for several days.
As he rose to leave, he caught himself humming the chorus of "The Force Between Us." He immediately stopped, glancing around to ensure no one had heard, the silence of the viewing room suddenly deafening. This film was an abomination. A complete travesty. An insult to the millennia-old traditions of the Jedi Order.
He would need to see it again, of course. For further analysis. To document all the inaccuracies. It was his duty as a member of the Council.
Forbidden Force turned out to be the most popular movie of that year galaxy-wide and was a huge box office hit. It somehow (Depa) got into the hands of some Padawans and they became somewhat obsessed with it. Mace often heard them singing the songs and had begun to ask for a summer camp like in the holos. Oddly enough it even increased the average person's view of the Jedi so there wasn't much to complain about. (Besides the dialogue, the plot, and the gross misunderstanding of the Force. But you couldn't win them all.)
A few weeks later
Mace was passing through one of the gardens when he overheard a familiar line being delivered with earnest intensity. He stopped, his boots silent against the polished stone floor.
"I don't like sand," a young voice was saying. "It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Not like you. You're soft and smooth."
Turning slowly, Mace spotted fifteen-year-old Padawan Anakin Skywalker attempting to charm a girl his own age, who was looking more confused than impressed. The Jedi Master approached, his shadow falling across the young Padawans. The girl tensed up and made to leave.
"It is not really a great line, kid," Mace said, his voice flat.
"But it's true!" Anakin protested, his young face indignant. "Sand is terrible!"
Mace sighed quietly through his nose and tried to smile at the fifteen-year-old Padawan. It did not look like a smile but a grimace, the attempt at friendliness sitting unnaturally on his stern features.
"Lines like that don't work outside of holomovies," he said firmly before continuing on his way, shaking his head.
Six years later on Naboo, just after the start of the Clone Wars
The sun filtered through ornate windows, casting patterns across the marble floor. Anakin stood alone in front of a beautiful view of lake and mountain, waiting. His remaining palm was sweaty inside his glove as he anticipated Padmé's arrival. Soon they would be married in secret, defying the Code, defying everything he had been taught.
As he waited for Padmé to emerge, all he could think about was how wrong Master Windu had been about the line. It had worked after all. HA! Take that, Master Windu, he thought triumphantly, a smirk playing across his lips. Show’s what Master Windu knows about romance–and good holofilms!
Fin.
