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Buck didn’t think he’d find himself here. A razor blade in between his fingers and tears in his eyes as he sat in the corner of the bathroom, trying to make himself as small as possible as he curled up. Blood ran down his left arm, a cut already made on the inside of his wrist - not deep enough to need stitches, but enough to sting.
Buck had felt so alone lately, only interacting with someone when he had physical therapy for his leg or his regular therapy sessions where he talked about everything that weighed down his shoulders. Everything being that almost five months: a ladder truck exploded and landed on Buck’s leg, he fought to get recertified and heal only to have a pulmonary embolism at his coming back party, being stuck in a tsunami with his best friend’s kid, and finding out that his captain is the reason he’s not allowed back to his team, to his family. He’d been through so much in a short time span of five months and he felt like he’s never been more alone in his life. It hurts more because at first, he thought he’d actually have people to check up on him and see how he was, but they only stopped by occasionally and only cared about how his leg was and if he was straining it too much.
Everyone was busy, he understood that, of course he did, but it still stung and Buck did the one thing he felt like he could. Take a blade to his body, metaphorically and physically. He curled into himself more as he watched the blood drip down his arm, every drop taking its own path. It was quite symbolic, each drop representing each path Buck had taken in the past: bartending, ranch hand, Navy SEAL’s, etc. and as the last drop leaked onto the floor, the cut finally stopped bleeding, the last path being a firefighter.
The cut dried up, finally exhausted out, but Buck still had more to do. He brought the blade up to the same arm, ready to leave another mark that would fade eventually. He pressed the blade into his skin, dragging it down, relieving the feeling it brought. The sting only felt for a few seconds, but it brought tears to Buck’s eyes.
And with those tears came those awful thoughts. Why couldn’t he be better? Why couldn’t he just do what he was made for? Why couldn’t he save Christopher? He was pathetic for sitting in the bathroom and cutting because life sucked. Buck didn’t realize what he was doing before the sting came back, another cut being made into the skin. Crimson red contrasting against pale yellow. More blood leaked down and landed on the floor. Buck knew he was gonna hate having to clean it up. God, why did he just mess everything up. The blood thinners made the wound bleed more, but it would eventually stop and when all of the cuts dried up, he’d wrap them up and drink some electrolytes, pretending that everything was okay and he would be just fine.
Buck’s thoughts were interrupted when he heard a sharp knock come from the front door that was down the open stairs. Fuck. Buck scrambled to get up, dropping the blade on the floor to get up and slamming the open bathroom door shut, twisting the lock on the door. He didn’t know who it was at the door, it would be his first visitor since everything, but he didn’t want them to see him like this.
“Buck, you here?” He heard Eddie’s voice ask, making him shut his eyes tightly.
“Fuck.” He muttered, glad that the bathroom door was locked. The panic settled in, he didn’t need Eddie to see this, but he did wonder why he was here. He rushed to grab the blade off the floor, throwing it in the trash can, he could just get another one. The blood was still everywhere though, on Buck and on the floor, he just made sure not to step on it. He wouldn’t have enough time to clean up. He still tried, using toilet paper to try and wipe up the mess.
“Buck?” He heard Eddie walk through his apartment, looking for him, “I realized how much time has passed since I last saw you. I’m sorry.”
Buck frowned, his movements pausing, why was he saying sorry? Eddie’s footsteps were starting to get closer, coming up the stairs and Buck rushed to throw away the dirty toilet paper and wash his arms, pushing the sleeves down quickly. Buck left the bathroom, turning the light off so Eddie didn’t see anything, closing the door behind him. He put a smile on his face, half fake and half real because he always wanted to see Eddie, “Eddie, hey! What are you doing here?”
Eddie gave Buck a smile, moving slightly closer, “I came to see how you were doing.” Buck was standing in front of Eddie, so he couldn't see the blood seeping through the back of the left sleeve of Buck’s shirt. “How are you doing?”
Buck’s fake smile faltered, “I’m doing okay, you? How’s Christopher?” Eddie could tell Buck wasn’t telling the truth, but he wouldn’t push, not yet.
“Chris’ doing…good for how he should be doing. He’s still scared to take a bath, so.” Eddie answered, and Buck frowned. It was his fault, he shouldn’t have taken them to the pier that day. He was stupid. Eddie could see something in his expression and quickly said, “It is not your fault, Buck. I can see the guilt on your face, it shouldn’t be there.”
Buck’s bottom lip wavered, but he bit on it to get it to stop, and Eddie tracked the movement. He looked like he wanted to do something, but stopped himself at the last moment. Buck recovered, “Do you want something to eat or drink?” He moved to walk down the stairs which meant Eddie was behind him and Eddie noticed.
“Stop.” Buck froze at the word, he felt Eddie move closer, felt his hands move up to his arm right above the wounds. “Buck.” Eddie sounded so concerned. “What happened?”
Buck didn’t turn around, he didn’t move, he didn’t speak.
“ Evan , look at me.”
Buck was always weak for Eddie so he turned around, facing Eddie, but not making eye contact. Eddie, of course, was worried when he saw blood, but he had to make sure Buck was okay first. He used a hand to tilt Buck’s chin down, forcing him to meet eye contact.
“What happened?” He spoke softly.
Buck tried, he opened his mouth, but no words came out. Tears watered Buck’s eyes, his lips curling down into a frown. “I-” He couldn’t say the words. Eddie understood though, he always did.
“Can I?” Eddie lifted his hands to ask if he could touch. Buck didn’t say a word, only nodding in response. Eddie made sure to keep his hands in Buck’s sight, he didn’t need to, but Buck appreciated the gesture. He lifted Buck’s left sleeve, enough so he could see the damage. Buck twisted his arm so Eddie could see it clearly. “ Oh, Evan.” Eddie’s voice was thick with tears, he sounded heartbroken, wrecked . Buck didn’t like that, he tried to move his arm out of his grasp, but Eddie held on lightly enough, “Don’t pull away from me, please .” Buck was always weak for Eddie, so he didn’t.
“You - You did this to yourself?” Eddie questioned, his voice still thick as he tried to understand. “Why?”
Buck couldn’t tell Eddie, he didn’t understand how it feels to be abandoned so many times that he wanted to be the one to leave first before he could get himself hurt. Buck still couldn’t respond to Eddie, but he responded in one way, his face crumbling and sobs starting to escape his mouth. Eddie was quick to pull Buck into his arms as his knees weakened, bringing him down. Buck forgot what it felt like to be held, to feel genuine love, but Eddie made it easy to remember, and he would always be thankful for that.
“I got you, I got you.” Eddie repeated in a whisper, tears leaking through his own eyes as he held on tightly, not looking to let go any time soon. Buck’s dam just broke more as he heard Eddie through his sobs. He didn’t deserve the comfort, but he was selfish enough to let himself have it. It wouldn’t last long anyway. The two sat on the floor, wrapped in each other’s arms.
When Buck’s tears came to a stop, and his sobs quieted, he leaned into Eddie, the exhaustion tearing through his body. He was so tired. Of everything. His leg ached, but he was too exhausted to try and get comfortable.
“You with me?” Eddie asked softly, making Buck hum. But then a thought came to his mind.
“Wait, w-where’s Christopher? He’s not downstairs, is he? I’m sorry-” Buck’s ramble was cut off by Eddie’s laugh/sob?
Eddie couldn’t believe how selfless he was, worried for Christopher while he had just hurt himself. God, did Eddie love him so much. “Only you, Buck, would be worried for someone else when you’re injured.” He sounded so fond, but Buck’s mind was still in a twist.
“Sorry.” Buck mumbled, and Eddie’s heart twisted.
He shook his head, “Don’t be sorry, dios, Buck. Are you okay?” He held Buck tighter before pausing, “Wait, your arm!” He pushed Buck back slightly, hand coming to grab his arm, the sleeve having dropped in the time they were connected.
“It stopped bleeding a while back.” Buck said, his tone low. He couldn’t make eye contact with Eddie, but Eddie could see the toll it was taking on him. God, he wished he could just make everything better, but he couldn’t and that sucked.
“I still need to bandage it, make sure it doesn’t get infected.” Eddie stood up, helping Buck up and then pushing him to sit at the foot of his bed. “Your medkit is in the bathroom, right?” Buck’s eyes widened, as Eddie was already walking to the bathroom door and twisting it open. He heard the lightswitch before he heard Eddie’s sharp intake. Buck squeezed his eyes shut, his hands fisting the sheets of the bed.
The blood was still on the floor, a messy stain after Buck had quickly tried to clean it up. He didn’t hear anything else, except for Eddie’s footsteps as he made his way back to Buck. He still didn’t open his eyes, even as Eddie crouched down in front of him and gently grabbed his arm to start bandaging it after disinfecting it, the sting not even registering for him.
“Open your eyes, Evan.” Buck was always weak for Eddie so he did, making eye contact with the man who had tears falling down his face. Eddie pulled Buck in for another hug, not even registering the fact that Eddie was almost all over him.
“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry that you were going through this and I wasn’t there for you.” Eddie apologized, his voice cracking halfway as tears fell down his face, soaking Buck’s shirt.
“It’s okay.” Buck tried to excuse, but Eddie shook his head.
“No, it’s not okay, Buck. No one knew you were hurting and you didn’t tell us.” Eddie didn’t mean it in an accusing way, but Buck took it like that.
“I’m sorry.” Buck apologized.
“Jesus, no, Buck. That’s not your fault, that’s ours, mine.” Eddie needed him to know that it was never his fault, it never could be his fault. He pulled back to look Buck in the eyes, he really needed this to stick, he put a hand on Buck’s shoulder, his thumb landing right above Buck’s collarbone, he could feel his heartbeat. “Evan, this is not your fault.”
Buck looked in Eddie, he saw nothing but the truth, and that, for some reason, was worse. Buck’s dam broke again, sobs reappearing and tears falling down. He had so much just brewing in him from the last few months and Eddie was happy to hold him through it, gently rocking back and forth.
Buck knew that from there on, he would always have someone on his side. Someone to have his back just like they promised. And it took a few of the weight on his heart off.