Work Text:
Ah fuck, not this again, he thinks. Somebody's talking to him about... Something. The case. Must be Roland then. Oh how he wishes Roland would have spoken to him in that gentle tone when he'd been... Who the fuck is that? Aw who cares. It might as well be Roland. He never gets to see Roland. It's always that yellow fucker. The yellow fucker taunting him, telling him sweet lies and then breaking the truth to him in the most painful way possible. He remembers the one time it had been Roland and then when the yellow fuck--
"Ow!" Charlie, no, Noel, it's Noel now, rubs his arm. "The fuck was that for?"
"What?" Asks Arthur, not Roland.
"John pinched me," Noel explains.
"John why would you..." The kid trails off like he does when he's having his private conversations. "John says you looked like you were dreaming."
"Huh. I s'pose I was." That's interesting. Usually people can't tell unless he's really far gone, and then if they pull him back he gets confused and angry and defensive and they get scared. Bad times. "Thanks for wakin' me up then John."
"Noel..." Jesus, how does Arthur manage to sound so tender and so distressed at the same time? "Do you often have involuntary daydreams like that?"
"Ehh, maybe? I don't pay it much attention." He fishes a cigarette out of his pocket. "Light?" Noel smiles at the lighter, "Thanks." He takes a drag of the smoke. "I mostly let 'em come and go and try not to get swept up in it. And it's not like I'm seein' shit or hearin' shit that ain't real. Not really. I know what's in front of me and what's in my head. Only sometimes I'm in my head too."
Arthur looks pained, guilty maybe but it's not his fault or his problem. "I'm sorry. That sounds difficult to deal with. John says he's sorry too."
Yeah he should be sorry, Noel thinks and then wishes he hadn't. He leans against the wall and takes another long drag from his cigarette. "Look, don't, don't pity me ok, kid? I appreciate the concern, from both of you, but I'm fine really. Most of the time it hardly even affects me. Maybe sometimes I'm not all the way here, but I still do all shit I need to get done. I'm lucky to be here at all. I'm lucky I'm not still there." He doesn't need to say where there is, Arthur knows, he's been. "Does it happen to you too?"
Arthur seems to think for a moment, "No. I think if I started daydreaming like that John would stop me." He pauses, "Thank you. There are times that I freeze up but John yells at me until I respond." Another pause, "I didn't say it was a bad thing, John." Noel tries not to be jealous of the two of them. "John wants to know how you sleep."
"I don't sleep. I only dream." Arthur looks horrified. Noel can only keep a straight face for a moment before he bursts out laughing. "Ahh just messin' with you guys. You should see your face." Noel wipes his eyes. "To tell the truth though I don't sleep much. If I spend too much time sleepin' the yellow fucker might grab me."
"John says that's not how it works."
Interesting, "Really? How does it work then?"
"He says: It's not how much time you spend sleeping that matters. It's how much time you spend dreaming and how strong the dreams are. If you get less sleep more of the time that you do sleep will be spent dreaming. It only makes you more vulnerable. Also it makes you more fatigued and less functional during the day, John didn't say that part."
Fuck. All this time, really? All this time he's been making it easier? Noel finishes his cigarette. He shakily finds another one. Arthur lights it without being asked. "So he can just take me any time he wants?"
"John says yes if you're asleep but he doesn't think yellow would." John's eyes are piercing and sincere, "He has no reason to take you. He's already gotten everything he wanted out of you. He wouldn't even-- fuck John, he wouldn't even bother to keep you around for entertainment because... No. I'm not saying that."
He's gotta know. He can't just pass up information about how the yellow fucker thinks. "What's he sayin'? Let him talk, kid. It's ok. John what is it?"
"He's already had his fun breaking you."
This is not ok. This is so fuckin' far from ok. Noel feels like he's drifting away again but there's nowhere to go. There's just nothing. Just less of here. No, there's. There's John. John is squeezing his hand. It hurts. He can feel it. John is here. Arthur is here. Arthur is calling his name. Arthur is saying he's sorry. Or maybe John is. Doesn't really matter, they both share the same expression of compassion laced with guilt. He tries to say he doesn't blame them but he can't seem to find words. Instead he pulls them into a hug. They feel solid and warm and very very real.