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They've been together a few weeks now. It's good. Really good. In a lot of ways it's the best relationship he's ever been part of. Noel grins at the irony that his life's most stable relationship is with another guy who's half as fucked in the head as he is, and the doppelganger of the guy that fucked them both up. 'Course Arthur's had his head fucked up by a bunch of other shit too, and so has John, so maybe they're all about even as far as being part time madmen goes.
Talking to them helps. Noel wasn't so big on the idea at first. He'd tried talking to doctors way back when he was first trying to get his head on straight. They didn't help much. He could only really talk to them about the war. And they'd said he was doing pretty well compared to the other shell shock cases they'd seen so they sent him away with a few coping techniques and left him to fend for himself. And he had.
He got a job, an apartment, and an unofficially reserved seat at Sal's, where the food is decent, the moonshine is potable, and nobody cares who you go home with. He'd become "a productive member of society". He was doing fine. Then Arthur Lester walked into his life and introduced him to the voice in his head and they taught him that he can aim for a higher bar than just being "fine".
Arthur is always asking how he's doing. He always wants to talk things out, turn things over and over until he has a full picture of everything. Frankly it's annoying how obsessive the kid gets about everybody's feelings. Like he's some kind of emotions inspector. But with the way John doesn't understand his own feelings half the time it makes sense that Arthur got like that.
He's big on honesty too. It sticks in Arthur's craw if Noel says nothing is wrong when something is. Noel's never met anybody who hated even the little white lies. One time he'd told Arthur he liked the coffee he'd made and John must have ratted on him when he pulled a face at the bitter taste because Arthur looked like somebody kicked his puppy. So it's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. It ain't easy living like that though. It takes discipline to be so open all the time.
There's been something on his mind for a while now and he needs to get it out before Arthur catches on that he's keeping secrets. So he invites them to his apartment and tells them to sit down. He's nervous. He already smoked half a pack of cigarettes waiting for them to show up. He'd tried to sit too but he couldn't settle so he's pacing back and forth.
"Noel, would you please just tell us what's going on? I promise I won't--"
"John's been hurting me." He blurts out. Fuck. That was not the right way to say this.
"What! When?! John how could you?" Shit, this is bad. John must be talking because Arthur is seething quietly. Fuck. He didn't mean to make them argue.
"Ah! Wait wait! I didn't mean. It's not what you think just stop... Just let me explain." He throws up his hands in what he hopes is a placating gesture.
Arthur grits his teeth. "Explain, now." John gestures rapidly for him to continue.
Noel wishes he could have talked about this with John before bringing it up to Arthur. They probably could have figured out a better way to broach the subject. "It's not, bad. The way he does it. It's, you know how sometimes I get those daydreams?" Arthur nods. "Right well, when that happens John will pinch me, or scratch me, step on my foot, hurt me in some small way and it's... Nice? I like it. It makes me feel... Present. And I was thinkin' maybe we could try doing that when I'm more... awake?"
"Is this a sex thing?" John looks directly at him and Arthur narrows their eyes. He shivers. It's intense when they sync up like that. Like holding a mirror to a mirror the visage refracted infinitely back on itself except all of the attention is focused on Noel.
Noel feels trapped. Pinned in place. Held fast by this being sitting in front of him that is simultaneously awe inspiring cosmic entity and Earth's most primal human. An instinctual part of him wants to run away but there's nowhere in this or any other world that he'd rather be. It's nothing like being in the presence of The King. They are something entirely their own. He vaguely recalls the soulmate myth of people being created with two heads and eight limbs. The gods feared them and split them in two, doomed to search for their other half. The gods would be right to fear Arthur and John. Noel's not even a god he's just some guy. Some guy playing host to a man playing host to an alien spirit. He must have some kind of hubris. Gods punish hubris.
John snaps his fingers and waves his hand at Noel. "Noel," Arthur's voice is soft, "are you with us?" John pats the couch emphatically. "John says sit next to me."
Noel blinks away the reverie, "I'm here, sorry fellas." He scratches at the back of his head. "I got lost in your eyes."
Arthur giggles. He sounds like an angel. "Is that a yes then?"
"Huh? Yes to what?" John starts making grasping gestures at Noel. Ain't he the sweetest thing? He sits down next to them and John takes his hand. He gives it a squeeze.
Arthur turns so John can look at him. "Liking pain, is it sexual?"
Noel thinks for a moment, "Um, I don't think so. Not exactly. I don't like pain. Not the way John does anyway."
John pulls his hand away, scandalized. Arthur chuckles, "I think he's talking about how much you like being bitten, John."
"Sorry John, was that supposed to be a secret or something?" He flashes him a grin. "No I think this is more like Arthur's thing about being in control all the time. It's not about sex but it's not entirely separate."
"Beg pardon? I do not have a thing for being in control." It's his turn to act scandalized apparently.
"Woah doll, I ain't complainin'. We all have our quirks. If I had a problem with getting bossed around I would have said something by now." Arthur's glare is mitigated by John looking at the bite marks on his hand and wrist. "I call 'em like I see 'em. And I've seen you in public when you get someone to do what you want 'em to. You take joy in it."
Arthur seems hesitant to accept this about himself. "What no I... He was going to kill my father, John!"
Noel gets a little excited. "Oh my God, is he talking about that time you called the Butcher a "good dog" and kept talking about his daddy?" Arthur makes a noncommittal sound. Yes. "'Cause I gotta be honest with ya, darlin', I think about that night more than I'd like to admit. It was an awful situation obviously, that's why I've never brought it up, but the way you handled it, well it was pretty hot." Arthur's blushing a little. He's very cute. "Maybe the specifics weren't quite my thing but the way you picked him apart and got him under your thumb?" Noel can't resist speaking closer to his ear. "It sure got my blood pumping."
"Right!" Arthur slaps his own knee. "I believe we were talking about you."
Noel chuckles, "Fair enough."
"So if it's not about sex what is it about?" Arthur asks.
Noel sighs, this is going to be tough. He holds his hand out, "John?" John takes his hand and he feels safe enough to continue. "I think it's about my body. It felt like I didn't have one for almost ten years. Not a real flesh and blood one. I know it was different for you, because those cultists did some freaky shit to you, and you crossed over physically, but for me it was just my mind." He pauses to make sure Arthur is ok. He seems fine. No overly distressed body language. John squeezes his hand. He squeezes back. "He said he didn't need my body. Bodies are just cumbersome meat sacks with no inherent value. It wouldn't be worth the trouble of keeping me fed, and watered, and dealing with all my mortal functions." Breathe. Noel feels John's hand in his. He sees Arthur next to him. He hears foot traffic outside. "I didn't need a body for him to hurt me. Mostly he played mind games. Sometimes there was pain, but it never came from my body, it was like... I think they call it phantom pain. Or pain everywhere with no apparent source. There was no hunger, or thirst, I didn't sleep because I was already asleep. In a coma actually. People on earth took care of my body while I was gone." Noel sighs heavily. The hard part's passed. He did it. "When I got back I felt... Disconnected. Like me and my body were two separate things. Worse, I felt trapped inside of my own body. There wasn't much I could do from the hospital besides read and reminisce and imagine myself elsewhere. Rehab was a bitch. I had to learn to walk again y'know? Get all the nerves rewired. It was hard. Grueling. But it got easier. Every day it got a little easier. Eventually I could walk, run, climb... fuck, I had a lot of sex once I was able to. I still can't ride a bike, but I couldn't do that before either. Heh. At some point I was me again. Or I was Noel anyway. I was a living breathing person." He flexes his hand in front of his face like he's testing the sensation. "I'm here. I'm alive. I'm real. I'm really here. I still can't believe it sometimes. Maybe that's the problem. I start having doubts, or I start feeling disconnected. I don't really know why it happens. It's like shell shock I guess. Buddies of mine had similar issues after the war. It's like: I know my body there, and I know I'm part of it, but it's a little out of focus. My mind is a little bit separate. A little to the left. But it helps," he squeezes John's hand, "when I can feel something." John squeezes back. "Touch is good. Really good. Especially skin to skin. I paid a hooker once just to lie on top of me for an hour. Pain is good too, better sometimes, it really cuts through the bullshit in my head. It reminds me that I'm part of my body and it's part of me. If I can feel my body it must be here and I must be here too or I wouldn't feel it." Noel is finished. He thinks. He covered everything. He hopes. And without fucking off to la-la land even once. Score. He feels exhausted. He sinks back against the couch.
He can't tell if Arthur and John are talking to each other or just being quiet. Finally Arthur says, "Thank you for telling us all of that, Noel. It means a lot that you'd trust us enough to talk about this. John says: I'm glad I can help you Noel. I care about you so much. I'm happy you're in our lives... I feel the same way."
Noel kisses John on the back of the hand, "happy to be here with you, angel." He pulls them forward until he can reach Arthur's face, he kisses him softly, "And with you, darling."
Arthur pulls back. "There's just one more thing though." Noel groans. "I'm still not sure what you actually want us to do together."
"Fuck." He opens his eyes to stare at Arthur and John. "I don't know either. I didn't think I'd get this far. I'm so tired." He really is. He could fall asleep right here.
"Ok, well maybe you should take a nap on the couch? We can figure the rest out later." Bless Arthur Lester. "Oh that's a good idea. John asks if you want us to lie on top of you while you sleep." Bless John Doe.
"God yes. That sounds perfect." They arrange themselves so Noel can lie on his back with Arthur's head on his chest and John's hand on his shoulder. Arthur's breathing is slow and even. John strokes at his shoulder gently. Noel settles into a deep and dreamless sleep.