Chapter Text
Shauna’s head felt foggy. Her eyes glassy. She was absolutely, unapologetically, hammered. Normally it wouldn’t get like this. Normally she’s able to reign in the complicated feelings that weighed her down and hurt. But watching Jackie, watching her laugh and smile and actually have fun —without her, with Jeff of all people— it hurt too much.
In Lottie’s mansion it was easy to get away. The hallways so wide, so long, they were almost empty. The music pulsing like blood through veins reached her even here. The living room, the heart, and where Jackie held her own heart in fingers that squeezed and squeezed. That took and took but never gave. Now, it felt as though Shauna had nothing. Nothing left but a hollow jealousy that she didn’t want to linger on, didn’t want to examine.
She’d stumbled into Natalie, muttering a quick, “Sorry,” before hurrying on. Nat just grabbed her arm, gentle but firm. “You look fucked up. Get a drink with me. It’s Friday, after all.”
It was hard to keep in a wry laugh, but noticing Natalie’s completely serious face she thought yeah, I’ll have a drink. Fuck it. So Shauna followed like the lamb she was when Nat guided her through the house, back towards the source of all her pain and suffering. Briefly, Shauna wondered why —how— Natalie knew the way so well. She was so sure of herself, confident in the way she spoke and walked and acted. Everything Shauna wasn’t.
When Nat handed her the first cup, she threw it back like a shot of vodka. Held it out, empty, in a silent plea of another. One turned into two, to three, to —fuck, who cared anymore? Shauna didn’t. Natalie didn’t. The bleached blonde had probably drunk twice as much as Shauna. The only difference was that Lottie came to check on her; took Nat outside, disappearing and leaving Shauna with that emptiness she couldn’t even drown in alcohol.
Forever had passed before Jackie showed up. Her jaw was clenched. She acted like she hadn’t noticed Shauna leave, leave for hours, when she sidled up next to her and poured herself a drink. Sipped it like the fucking princess she was, the taste too bitter for someone with such refined tastes. Shauna fought the urge to drink another cup, feel the burn slide down her throat, make her feel something —anything.
“Are you angry?”
The words so quiet and now Shauna had to shove her very core down, swallow it with her tapering rage. She wanted to forgive Jackie. But she couldn’t because then it would happen again and again and again. Jackie would leave her alone for more time with Jeff. Jackie wouldn’t talk to her for hours when she had every idea that the only person Shauna knew —really knew— was her. It wasn’t something that should be normal, it couldn’t keep happening. It made Shauna feel insignificant. Nothing but a distraction, entertainment for the seconds between Jackie and the love of her life; Jeff.
“Yes.” Immediately the word felt too rough, poison on her tongue. The tone venomous and hateful, because she really did hate Jackie in this moment. She still scrambled to fix it, even though she shouldn’t have to fix words. Even though she wanted to be rude. “Yes, Jax, I’m angry.”
The silence that followed wasn’t really silent. The music still beat, a pattern of Shauna’s own heart. Fast. People laughing in the other room, the living room. Jeff was in there. Jackie was out here with Shauna. A hole in her gut wished Jackie was with her just because she wanted to be but the truth was in Jackie’s stiffness. The tense cut of her jaw she worked so hard to hide with a raise of one sleek eyebrow.
“Jax? That’s not the angry Shipman I know.”
“Sometimes I wonder why I’m friends with you, Jacqueline.”
Shauna breathed an exaggerated sigh through her nose. Jackie never knew consequences. Not with her. Was a cocky grin worth it? A teasing glint in softening eyes, relaxed shoulders that held no more weight, no reason to lower herself to cheap liquor standards? It was, Shauna thought, to see Jackie like this. A normal, casual human being. Forgetting without liquid courage. Courage that didn’t exist for Shauna else they’d be somewhere completely different.
Jackie’s house. Curled in bed together, talking, braiding each other’s hair. Sneaking down at midnight to steal snacks while Jackie whispered about her parents condemning her to hell. They would laugh then, and Shauna wouldn’t need to swallow alcohol to feel free. Even when she did drink the shitty, cheap liquor Lottie snuck them it clung like sap, fading the edges of her mind. There was no freedom where she was now.
After they let the words linger too long Jackie buried them with her own. “Jeff is dancing with some other girl.” Shauna should care. She didn’t. “And —God, it’s not even because I wasn’t. He pushed me away and went right for her, and all he said was ‘just going to have a bit of fun,’ like a fucking dickhead.” Jackie growled. An actual growl, and Shauna found herself wishing she would be that possessive over her, though it was probably just directed towards the act. To thinking someone was prettier than her. That Jeff preferred anyone else over her. “They’re both bitches! I don’t even want to date Jeff anymore.”
Jackie raised her head and sniffed like she was better than both of them. She was.
“So you’re breaking up with Jeff for what, the ten thousandth time?” Shauna said, trying to ignore an ache replacing the numb. The comforting kind of numb she wanted back because now her thoughts were racing. Be with me instead. I know you better than Jeff ever could. Was she fucking insane? I know what you need. I can be exactly what you need. I want to be what you need.
“It’s never long enough to count,” Jackie pouted. “He’ll come back soon, and he’ll have to beg, because I won’t take him back otherwise.”
Shauna’s thoughts buzzed and overflowed. They spilled forward, frothy and wild, like the ocean in winter. I don’t want you to ever take him back. Shauna had to repress the urge to fall to her knees, wiping away at a puddle only she could see. Her feelings, too much and too open. If Jackie took a step forward she would be stepping in them. Shauna didn’t know how fast she would drown, or how deadly the slip.
“Let’s go, Shipman. My parents shouldn’t be home. We’d have the house to ourselves.”
Without a reply Jackie pulled Shauna forward with a hand on her wrist. Jackie didn’t need an answer, because it should have been obvious to anyone. Would have, if Shauna still didn’t feel the twitch of resentment in her gut. “Let’s tell Lottie we’re leaving.”
Jackie groaned dramatically —all show, no conviction— and turned on her heel, stepping right over Shauna’s feelings like she could see them. But that was always what she did. Avoided, avoided, never saw. Why was this so hard? Juggling a resentment that ran so deep it felt embedded in her blood, and a love so big it was the only reason her heart still beat. Shauna felt like if you drained her body of all the blood she would still move with the only purpose of serving to Jackie’s whim.
“She and Nat should be on the back porch.” Shauna muttered with her eyes down, watching how her shoe sent ripples across the floor.
In the end Shauna was right, although it didn’t particularly seem like they wanted to be interrupted. Natalie’s head lay comfortably in Lottie’s lap and the taller girl had her fingers threaded through bleach blonde hair. They appeared like the epitome of everything Shauna wanted. For her and Jackie.
Nothing was spoken. While Jackie stared, as if unbelieving a relationship so impossible was possible, Shauna tugged her away. The jealousy came back sickening this time, and Shauna wanted to throw up. Her vision was fuzzy at the edges. She needed to get out of here and escape the water rushing up to meet her. Threatening to drown her. It felt stupid now —thinking Lottie could ever care if they were leaving.
She was clearly preoccupied. Busy with something Shauna herself would never understand because she loved no one like she did with Jackie and Jackie didn’t love her at all. Once Lottie and Natalie were behind them, Jackie finally regained her composure, taking control and tugging Shauna through the maze-like house and out into the front yard.
“Jeff can go and fuck himself. Why can’t he be like Lottie? Actually fucking hot and I don’t know, actually kind? Why was he even invited to the party?” Jackie said, still bitter.
“You brought him as a plus one.” Shauna mumbled, feeling only a little —or a fucking lot— like she wanted to dig a hole for herself and die in it. Jackie only laughed disbelievingly, once, high and sharp.
“And I wasn’t even drunk. Shauna, give it to me straight. Am I crazy?”
“No! I mean, maybe— yeah, probably.” And it’s so easy now, as if Shauna wasn’t only just cursing Jackie’s existence, wishing her gone, wishing she didn’t care so fucking much.
Without any more words and silence hanging in the air, they both got into their respective places in Shauna’s beat-to-shit Ford Festiva. Jackie in the passenger seat, ever the princess, and Shauna in the driver's seat even though she was way too drunk to safely drive. That didn’t stop Jackie from putting her seatbelt on, and Shauna followed suit quickly after.
They sat like that for a while, Shauna debating whether or not to risk it. Jackie just sighed and crossed her legs almost regally. “My house, Shauna. Drive.”
Not one to ever say no to someone like Jackie, she puts the car in drive. “This is a fucking death wish.”
“I trust you though.” Jackie said with a smile and a soft gaze. Shauna had to fight down a blush, but she felt the tips of her ears heat up and her heart skip a beat. Goddamn it.
“You shouldn’t. I’m really drunk.” But the next thing Shauna knew they were on the road and her head was spinning. The engine rumbled, shaking the car, and Shauna briefly feared she might be sick. Then Jackie rolled her window down and let in a cooling breeze, which immediately succeeded in making her feel better.
Casting a glance to the side, Shauna was startled to find Jackie already staring intently at her. She smiled again, all coy and sweet. Tilted her head, and Shauna had to force herself to look away. If she didn't, the red staining her cheeks would be too obvious, like waving a flag that screamed ‘look at me, I’m in love with my straight best friend’.
She wishes she wasn’t. She wishes she didn’t care so much —it’s always fucking wishing with her. Shauna wishes she weren’t so pathetic; weren’t so scared, weren’t so affected by opinion. Would she be able to tell Jackie how she felt if she didn’t care what the outcome would be? Or Shauna could just be ruining everything in six words: I really do love you Jackie.
I’ve always loved you.
Turning down a familiar street, Shauna parked by the curb in front of Jackie’s house. It wasn't like Lottie’s, rich and extravagant, but it was modest. If modest meant a small mansion, yes, it was modest. She saw the trellis Jeff had come from that day, and her mind flickered to what he and Jackie would have been doing.
Hair fanning, breaths stuttering.
Again, the jealousy Shauna could tell would be a lot more common from now on. She'd always been passive, kept her thoughts passive. Maybe the alcohol brought something in her out, and it would go away in the morning.
“Fuck, their car is there. They were supposed to be doing some church thing.”
“Your parents’? Why is that bad?”
Jackie groaned. “Because they think I'm either asleep or doing my homework.”
Shauna raised an eyebrow, but she was grinning. “How rebellious.” She didn't even need to ask ‘can't they check your room,’ because Shauna knew them. They didn't care about their daughter, no matter how much it seemed like they were a happy family.
With an eye roll, Jackie unbuckled and slipped out of the car. She skipped over to the driver’s side and opened the door for Shauna, reaching out a hand with a smile —she didn’t seem to stop smiling around Shauna. “Ma'am.”
Shauna took it, fighting down the heat blooming on her cheeks, and cursed herself for being so smitten. “Such a gentleman.”
“I think we should sneak in the way Jeff does. Sometimes I do too, but you never have before.”
“You’ve climbed up and down that trellis? How come I never knew?”
Jackie looked sheepish for a second and scratched her wrist. “Well, Jeff would always help me. It was when we wanted to go out on a date, or if we’d just finished one and wanted to hang out more.”
It was like a punch in the gut to know Jackie was hanging out with Jeff so much like this and she had never even thought to even tell Shauna anything. How many moments did she never know about? Whispered laughs, secrets shared that Shauna didn’t know about.
“How many times?” She asked, hoping for a really, really low number. Jackie tugged her towards the trellis, ignoring the question like if she didn’t acknowledge it Shauna would just forget. She didn’t feel like forgetting. She wanted to know how many times. “Is it enough to know what you’re doing?”
“Yes, it’s enough.” Jackie huffed, still dragging Shauna across the yard. Why should Shauna care so much in the first place? Jeff was Jackie’s boyfriend for god’s sake. They were supposed to spend time with each other. They weren’t supposed to break up every week, or dance with other girls. Kiss other girls. It was so fucking unfair. Jackie felt invalidated —shouldn’t she be allowed the same treatment?
“Climb.”
“What if I fall? Is it stable?”
“You won’t fall, and yes it’s stable. Jeff is heavier than you.”
Shauna tried to pretend she was indifferent with a heavy sigh. Inside, she was fighting the urge to run away, because she didn’t climb up the sides of houses in her spare time. What if she fell and broke her neck? That seems quite possible. Jackie started climbing like she could do it in her sleep. Of course Shauna didn’t expect her to be bad at it, but in moments like these she couldn’t help appreciating the fact that Jackie was strong. Stronger than she looked.
Again just following Jackie’s lead, Shauna grabbed onto the trellis and started climbing. Jackie made it look easier than it was, and by the time she got all the way up, Jackie was pulling her through an open window. “Thank god you left the window open,” Shauna panted.
Looking sour, Jackie replied with, “Jeff was gonna come by later but obviously not anymore.” And she locked the window, giving it a glare. Shauna had to ignore the invalidation rearing its head. She would kill for Jackie to stop mentioning Jeff.
“God, I am so fucking sick of Jeff. Isn’t it unfair he gets to kiss other people and I can’t?” Jackie flops down onto her bed, kicking off her heels and sighing like she was free from heavy iron shackles. Shauna joined her, sitting on the edge of the duvet.
“Well, I mean… You guys have dated for four years. Won’t ending it with him be a little hard?”
“I break up with him so much, doesn’t that mean I’ve only really been dating him for—” She counts on her fingers, but only the middle finger lifts. “One fucking week now?”
Shauna can’t help the smile on her face, the laugh leaving her lips. “Wow, Jax. And you want to kiss someone or something? Who?” Her tone is only teasing, entertaining the idea enough to make it a joke. Just a fucking joke because Shauna’s heart rate definitely isn’t getting faster, and she doesn’t have a sick hope lodged in her gut.
Jackie tilts her head and grins like it’s the easiest thing in the world. “You’re here.”
All the air is sucked out of Shauna’s lungs in one go. It takes a minute to actually start taking oxygen in again because it doesn’t look like Jackie’s joking when she was. Jackie looks completely serious, staring at her expectantly with those big eyes Shauna couldn’t possibly say no to. So she makes what could be the worst —or the best— decision of her life.
“I am.” The words come out breathless, because Shauna still isn’t breathing right. Is she hyperventilating? Wasn’t she just hating Jackie only hours ago? That seemed like years ago now. Time appeared to be irrelevant around Jackie. She was better than time, and surely had more influence than it.
Taking that as a resounding ‘yes’, Jackie’s cheeks turned pink. Had she expected Shauna to agree? No. Was she excited? Yes. Did she regret anything, anything at all? No, not if it led to this. Because Shauna was the only person who had stayed. The only person who knew, the only one who understood.
So Jackie shifted forward, still smiling like this didn’t mean the world to Shauna. It was one thing when Shauna got to say ‘I love you’ to Jackie with no consequences. One thing when they would cuddle together in bed after long, tired nights —in whose house didn’t even matter. It was one thing that when they hugged, Jackie would melt like she’d rather be nowhere else. It was a whole other thing to be kissing:
1. Because Shauna never had before.
2. Because they were supposed to be best friends.
3. Because Shauna didn’t trust herself to know how to stop once they started.
The nerves she felt in this moment were worse than any other kind she’d ever experienced. Was it dread? It felt like her stomach was in knots. Jackie didn’t seem to notice, or rather she just didn’t care. She knew this would be Shauna’s first but instead of bringing reluctance it just made this all the more enticing. Shauna would always think of Jackie when she kissed anyone else because Jackie was doing her the greatest favour. Jackie was offering herself to Shauna. She found herself desperate to.
It’s just to get back at Jeff.
This will mean nothing.
… Nothing will change.
With a shaky hand —how fucking embarassing— Shauna reached and tucked a strand of Jackie’s golden blonde hair behind her ear. The action had Jackie smiling almost shy now, like it could matter to her, like it could count as something. Shauna knew it didn’t; couldn’t.
“Jackie, I don’t —I don’t know how to do this.” Shauna whispered, and her words were shaky too.
“It’s okay.”
Her eyes, impossibly soft, had Shauna almost believing it. But nothing was really fine, because Shauna had hoped for so long Jackie would forget Jeff and choose her instead. Jackie was choosing her, but Jeff wasn’t forgotten. He was the fuel, the spite that led Jackie into doing this. Into wanting this.
“Just to get back at Jeff, right?” Shauna asked in a quiet voice. She didn’t even know what she wanted the answer to be. Yes, so everything could go back to normal? Or no, so Shauna finally felt special, finally felt wanted and validated by someone like Jackie.
No.
“Yes.”
Shauna was relieved and upset at the same time. The emotions mixed like a strange concoction she could get even drunker on. It set her heart racing and stomach twisting, dread and excitement, hate and love. Jackie was right there, looking so willing to do Shauna… a favour? Give her a gift? A token of what, appreciation?
In one heart-stopping moment, Jackie reached out and brushed the back of her hand on Shauna’s cheek. The action was so full of —not love, it couldn’t possibly be love— admiration it made Shauna’s chest hurt. She couldn’t take all this gazing. The look Jackie was giving her was something that could have killed her if she weren’t so drunk.
She realised then that Jackie was waiting for her. Waiting so patiently, because she didn’t know every moment Jackie looked at her like that made Shauna’s bones ache and her heart bleed. It hurt because of how tender it felt. There was nowhere Shauna felt safer than with Jackie but it was teetering to dangerous now, when there were no consequences. If Shauna did this, they didn’t have to linger.
So she leaned forward, and Jackie was surging to meet her.
The kiss felt new. It felt desperate. Jackie’s hands were on either side of Shauna’s face, pulling her closer, not ever wanting to let go. She kissed like she needed it to breathe, and Shauna was dizzy with it. Addicted with one taste. She didn’t know if she was supposed to feel burning from the inside out, but she did. Every single nerve was alive with it —the wanting.
Time froze as if it was granting them permission. Could it want this as much as Shauna did? As much as Jackie seemed to? Were they valid? This couldn't be a mistake, not when everything was lit with this feeling. Jackie was the gasoline; Shauna was the spark. All it took was a touch, and it felt as if the world was burning down around them.
The effort that it took to pull away was nearly impossible to gather. But Shauna felt the need to, because if this kept going on her world might change more than it already had. Everything was tilted on its axis, spinning and suddenly wrong.
Jackie chased Shauna's lips when she pulled back, her eyes still shut. Then they fluttered open, looking almost dazed. Jackie cleared her throat, blushing like the most embarrassing thing about this was how she didn't want to stop, when every fibre of Shauna's body was screaming to close the distance between them again, but her brain was yelling the opposite.
“Um,” Jackie whispered, before her voice grew stronger. “That was nice.”
Shauna had to bite back a ‘nice?’ and instead chose to just nod. She couldn't really say that it felt like she might never feel that way again, because that was the most alive she'd ever felt. Shauna was missing the feeling already, her muscles itching to move. She knew Jackie might end up hating her if she did. That was supposed to be it —just to get back at Jeff. No feelings involved.
Nothing should have changed.
Everything had changed.
Notes:
POV will be alternating every chapter, so Jackie is next
Chapter 2
Notes:
Just a warning - Jackie and Jeff get up to some stuff this chapter :/
Chapter Text
Jackie stared at the ceiling of her room, trying as hard as she could to ignore the person next to her —Shauna. Her best friend, Shauna. Her favourite person in the world, Shauna. Her best kiss. The only one who made her feel like everything was okay but imploding at the same time. Because what the fuck was that?
Jeff could never, ever, in a million years compare to that. Even if someone hypnotised her into being head over heels hopelessly in love with him, a single kiss couldn't make her feel like… that. Fuck.
Fuck, this wasn't supposed to happen. The kiss was just for, she didn't know, shits and giggles, nothing else. Absolutely nothing else. Revenge? A fucking lie. It wasn't supposed to turn into everything else. When the clutter inside became too much and the silence outside of it too suffocating, Jackie whispered to the shadows, “Are you still awake?”
“Yes.” Shauna replied equally as quiet. Jackie didn’t know if she was grateful for her being awake or not. Still, they really didn’t have to linger.
“Wanna get food? I’m pretty hungry.” Keeping her tone neutral was a defense mechanism —she had to believe it herself. If Jackie could believe that this was a situation to be neutral about, everything would be okay. Otherwise nothing was okay, which she couldn’t handle.
Shauna turned towards her, the bed creaking like it always did. On nights unlike this one they would have to hold in giggles when they moved even an inch, but now the sound was abrasive in the atmosphere.
The moon cast a cold white glow on Shauna’s face, making her look almost ethereal. It must have been a full moon, because the room was relatively light for around 2am. Jackie had to keep herself from reaching out to play with Shauna’s hair. Sometimes when they couldn’t sleep, that’s exactly what Jackie would do. Fuck, why were all these memories coming back to her now? All the moments Jackie hesitated because it almost seemed too real. Too perfect.
That’s what Shauna was. Perfect. “I guess I could use some food.” Not needing any further words, Jackie got up. The bed groaned again, and then more when Shauna got off. Noise might have been an issue if they hadn’t done this same thing so many times before. They both knew Jackie’s parents wouldn’t be waking up and that they technically had the house to themselves.
Jackie sat on the counter while Shauna gathered whatever she could from the fridge. Her eyes followed Shauna’s movements, flowing over her back, tracing her hair and occasionally the side of her face when she turned. Things seemed normal —they should be normal— but Jackie had never felt so weird.
Was it wrong if she never wanted the moment to stop? That now she was tempted to just tell Jeff to cheat on her, for the sake of ‘getting back at him’ again? The thought felt illogical. It really was, to think kissing your best friend was infinitely better than kissing your boyfriend. Her mother wouldn’t look at Jackie again if she ever found out she’d kissed a girl. Her father might even go as far as to kick her out of the house.
That’s why Jackie had to stop thinking like this. It was only and always going to be a one-time thing. Just once and never again —not while Jackie had her head on straight.
“Do you not want anything?” Shauna’s voice broke through her thoughts, and when Jackie focused on her again she was holding a carrot.
“Why do you have a carrot?”
“Because this is what I’m having. You haven’t said anything at all.”
“Oh, uh —I’ll just have a carrot too.”
Without another word Shauna grabbed a second carrot and got a peeler, skinning it over the bin. Jackie only watched, kicking her feet and trying to pretend she wasn’t staring. “Gonna peel yours?”
Shauna let out a huffy laugh. “I’m not a princess like you, you know?”
“You always give me the best treatment. I’m jealous of your future partner.” Jackie teased, the confidence the darkness gave her almost jarring. She noticed Shauna’s cheeks grow redder and could only ignore the way her heart fluttered. It was adorable.
“You’re blushing, Shauna.” The smirk was instinct, but her insides were twisting for some godforsaken reason. Courage was something Jackie wasn’t good at using. She always took advantage of it, wringing tighter and tighter until there was none left. No matter how hard she would try at preserving the last drop, it would always blink away. This was the opposite. Shauna’s reactions fueled her courage until she feared she was drunk on it.
“I-I’m not.”
It felt gratifying to see Shauna flounder. Suddenly Jackie wasn’t so tired. She felt like she was on clouds, if that was even possible. So much time had passed since they were able to talk like this —it was like Jackie was walking into a memory, except she was living through it right now.
Soon enough they were back in bed, staring up at the ceiling yet again, trying hard not to touch. Jackie turned towards Shauna, only to see Shauna already looking at her. She was trapped by big brown eyes she could drown in. She saw the panic in Shauna’s eyes when she realised she’d been caught, but it just made Jackie want to watch her more.
“Don’t look away.”
“I wasn’t going to…” Shauna mumbled, the blush coming back. Jackie had to thank the moon in this moment, because it made everything so much more visible. She wanted to take a photo of Shauna like this and make it her lockscreen. The one she had now was of Shauna wearing a dress Jackie had chosen for her and hiding behind her hair. It had done well, but now Jackie wanted to see her face.
Slotting the idea into her mental to-do list, Jackie let a gentle smile dance on her lips. Her eyes wandered for the millionth time, taking in Shauna’s features like if she blinked they’d be gone. The soft tilt of her eyebrows, the dark abyss of her eyes. The red on her cheeks, and the pout on her lips.
Jackie couldn’t stop when she reached out and brushed Shauna’s cheek for the second time this night. It was subconscious, just something her heart was screaming to a deaf and tired brain. She didn’t even think when doing it, because her heart had a mind of its own. It was beating so loudly she wouldn’t have been surprised if Shauna could hear it.
She could feel words forming on her tongue with no body, no reason. No good reason, because she felt herself move forward. The words, a blank canvas, finally came out. They were painted with nothing and everything at the same time.
“Just one more.”
And then there was no distance between them, and Jackie was kissing Shauna again. She felt Shauna’s body tense, hands aimless at her sides, and then they were around Jackie’s neck. Pulling her closer, sliding into her hair. Everything was happening so fast they didn’t even have time to think —about whether or not this was a mistake. They both wanted this, even if they shouldn’t. There should be no consequences. Would be none, because Jackie couldn’t afford consequences. She needed this right now, and an endless void later.
Shauna moved a hand and pressed it on Jackie’s shoulder, but the feeling was almost null. She could feel everything and nothing at the same time —an endless need and a hollow disquiet. Jackie felt herself relax into the moment, and she couldn’t help letting out a sigh. Jeff would never, ever, compare. Was that a problem? Definitely. Did she care? Not at all. Shauna pressed harder on her shoulder, subtly pushing Jackie away. It took a second to register, but Jackie let herself pull back, even if she missed the contact like a missing limb.
“Stop, I —we should stop.”
Immediately Jackie wanted to ask why, but she didn’t. The answer was already something she knew, flashing like a warning in her head.
We’re just friends.
That didn’t seem so true anymore, no matter how much Jackie wanted it to be. Would it be possible to force herself to forget? She couldn’t let this ruin things between them, she just couldn’t.
“Sorry, I didn’t —that was… an accident.”
Internally cursing herself, Jackie moved back to her original position, away from Shauna. Honestly, what the fuck were her reactions? Oh, that was nice. An accident? Really? It wasn’t just nice, it was single handedly the best thing Jackie had ever done with herself. At least she thought so.
Normally, she wouldn’t let herself feel. Not like this. Shauna was the only person she let herself feel around. Jeff wasn’t, Van wasn’t. Not even Lottie. She closed herself off and tried not to care so much, because if her parents knew she cared about ‘wild girls who have to learn they belonged in a kitchen,’ nothing would be alright. Nothing was alright.
Shauna didn’t say anything in reply, just shifting on her other side, looking away from Jackie. That’s exactly what Jackie deserved in the first place. Hopefully in the morning they would both forget, or maybe brush it off as a nightmare. Never a dream. Jackie didn’t dream of things like this.
“Goodnight,” Jackie whispered, a question of lenience.
“Goodnight.” Shauna replied, forgiving Jackie like she always did.
———————
Jackie woke up to her weekend alarm. Shauna was blinking awake, groaning like she’d been shot in the head. Really she might have been —Jackie didn’t know how much alcohol she’d had last night. It was probably a lot, considering Jackie had left Shauna unattended for hours. She turned the alarm off and checked her phone to see Jeff had texted her, asking to go on a date. Jackie put her phone back down after replying with a quick ‘sure.’
“Paracetamol?”
As soon as Shauna nodded wearily, Jackie had fetched the paracetamol for her. She watched Shauna dry swallow it before she got out of her dress. It carried the smell of the party, alcohol and sweat. Grateful to be free of it, Jackie changed into something nicer; a denim skirt and some random white top. It was a little special, but not too special, since a date wasn’t too big of an occasion. The heat of Shauna’s gaze was hard to ignore, but Jackie managed.
“Want one of your flannels back?” Jackie joked, sliding one on now. She let the buttons hang open, fully prepared for Shauna to ask to wear it. Over time, as Shauna stayed over more and more, her collection of flannels had grown to an almost scary size.
“Keep it, it looks nice on you.”
Entertaining the idea, Jackie twirled in a circle. She watched Shauna watch her, and finally came to a conclusion.
“Fine. Does it look good?”
“Really good. But what are you dressing up for? It's the weekend.”
“Oh, Jeff wanted to go on a date with me. I don't think he even knows I hate him now, so I hope it's decent enough for me to want to take him back.”
A deep pool of darkness flooded Shauna's eyes, but she only smiled. It was odd because Jackie knew she was pretending to be happy. Other times —and god there were a lot of other times— Jackie could brush it off, since it wasn't such an obvious displeasure. “What? You look like you just swallowed a fly.”
“It’s nothing.”
“No, tell me,” Jackie insisted, “you always do this.”
Shauna frowned. “I don’t.”
“Well?”
“It’s just —you deserve so much better than him! He’s made so many mistakes.” Shauna hissed, real bite in her words. Jackie didn’t know how to reply; Shauna never did this.
“That’s just what love looks like…” Jackie’s voice was small, even a little uncertain. Jeff had been all she’d known for so long now, there shouldn’t be a different kind of love. There couldn’t be a different kind of love, because then Jackie would be surrounded by a world she didn’t know. Jackie didn’t know what real love was supposed to feel like if it wasn’t what Jeff gave her.
“Jackie, it’s not.”
“Well how would you know? Don’t tell me you’re more experienced than me when you’ve never even been in a relationship.”
“I may as well be, since you’re so blind!”
“Don’t talk to me like that.”
Shauna stood with a scowl. She walked right up to Jackie, looking down on her like she was actually better. “Fuck you.”
Jackie sneered in reply, crossing her arms and glaring. Shauna left the room without another word, even though things felt unfinished. Once she was gone everything seemed a little more lonely.
Trying not to care while she did her make-up, Jackie hoped Jeff would be able to take her mind off of everything that just happened. Everything that happened last night, god forbid she take it the wrong way. They were nothing but friends. Taking Jeff back might just be a given, if only for the distraction. Maybe to make Shauna angrier than she already seemed to be.
It wasn’t normal for them to fight like this. Was Shauna not grateful for everything Jackie did for her? Was she just jealous Jackie was in a relationship? She was so confusing and absolutely fucking infuriating. If Jackie could read Shauna’s mind, being friends with her would be a lot easier.
Still silently fuming, Jackie stomped downstairs to the kitchen. She put toast in the toaster and got jam from the fridge, preparing a sub-par breakfast. It was good enough for her. While Jackie enjoyed her meal, she checked Jeff’s location. He was close by, which was ideal because Jackie was also checking Shauna’s location like it mattered —Shauna had driven back to her house, probably to do nothing. She didn’t have anything to do without Jackie.
Once Jeff honked his horn, she grabbed a white handbag and strutted all the way to his car; a black Jeep Grand Wagoneer. It was nothing like Shauna’s. A lot less lived in, for one thing.
“Where are you taking me?”
“I thought we could just shop around for a bit,” Jeff said. Basic choice.
“Only if you’re paying.” Jackie grinned, tone light enough to be joking. She did wish Jeff paid for her, but that's because it's a given. With her, if she were to go shopping with Shauna, she’d want to pay for everything. The money was irrelevant when it made Shauna smile so shyly, like she thought she didn’t deserve it. That version of Shauna wasn’t alive right now though.
“Or, we could always go to your place and have some fun.” She raised an eyebrow, carefully cultivating an act of ‘yes, I want to do this’. Jackie hadn’t actually taken it further with Jeff yet. She had no idea how to. But if she could just randomly kiss Shauna, she could spontaneously do… whatever, with Jeff. This wasn’t just running on impulse —she wanted to. Jackie wanted to, she was just scared it wouldn’t be good. It never had been; not with Jeff.
Predictably, Jeff nodded. He turned the car onto his street, and Jackie quickly became a bundle of nerves. She wanted to prolong the waiting. This was far out of her current comfort zone. It didn't make it better if she told herself that she'd need to do this in the future, even though she did.
“Uh, how about we just park the car somewhere out of the way and do it there?”
“Oh, sure. If that makes you more comfortable…”
And as they cruised by Jeff’s house, it was almost like Jackie had avoided something horrible, or at least skipped the worst of it. Soon enough they were parked on the side of a wooded backstreet. They sat in silence for a second, before Jackie left the car and got into the back. Jeff followed quickly, clumsy and eager.
Jackie leaned forward and kissed him, hoping to feel a spark, anything like last night. Nothing —she felt nothing for him. So she kissed Jeff harder, ignoring when he fumbled to bring his pants down, reaching under her own skirt and pulling off her underwear just to make things quicker.
“Have you done this before?” Jackie whispered, breathless. He shouldn’t have. She shouldn’t want him to have. They’ve dated four years; he shouldn’t have had the chance to. “I don’t care if you have.”
Sinking down into his lap, she let out a stuttering breath. It felt so weird. Bad, and good at the same time. Jeff groaned, hardly able to get the words out. “I-I have, just once.”
Jackie let his words spur her on, not hinder her. She should trust him not to mess up, then. Before doubt could stop her, she lifted up and then back down, focusing on the way pleasure began to pulse through her body. Jeff started thrusting to meet her, gentle at first while she tried to get used to it.
“Sh-Jeff. Faster.”
Jackie curled into Jeff, clinging to his shoulders like they were her lifeline. Her nails dug into his clothes impulsively, hard, but she put no effort in to stop it. This felt new, really fucking new. When Jeff moved faster, she let out a shuddering whine. It was actually starting to feel good.
Jeff was breathing in her ear low and too loud, so she pulled back, holding onto him at arms length. His eyes were a deep brown, and he looked at her like a deer in headlights before squeezing them shut. “Fuck…”
The pace grew uneven and Jackie could feel a coil in her stomach, winding tighter and tighter. “If you mess this up… I will fucking kill you.” She panted. She was so close, if only she could reach out. So Jackie shut her eyes, trying to feel everything.
Before she could spill over the edge, Jeff lifted her off and pushed her aside, finishing himself quickly. Jackie didn’t wait for him; she used her fingers and moaned when she came. It was kind of anti-climactic, since in the end they both just used themselves to finish. Jackie felt like all she had achieved was gaining a weird ‘watch each other masturbate’ vibe with Jeff that should go away soon. Maybe they should have used a condom, so it was more authentic and not just Jeff looking out for her.
“That was nice.” Threading fingers through her hair, Jackie tried to neaten herself up and look somewhat presentable. Her denim skirt was hiked up, and Shauna’s flannel —Shauna, Shauna, Shauna— was sliding off one of her shoulders. Jeff mirrored Jackie, and before long they were both sitting in the front of the car, silence thick and cloying.
Clearing his throat, Jeff made a show of checking the time. “Uh, we could still do something. If you wanted.”
Jackie checked her phone too, not because she didn’t trust Jeff but because she went straight to checking Shauna’s location. It felt like she was some obsessed stalker, when in reality she was a totally normal worried best friend, now only a friend. Or still best friends. She couldn’t tell, because she was over it but Shauna might not be. They had just made a simple silly mistake. That was it —end of story.
A spike of panic shot through Jackie when she saw Shauna wasn’t at her house, only to be immediately tamped out when it registered she was just at Lottie’s mansion. In all honesty, she was probably helping Lottie clean up. God knows she might not have had time to when she was doing whatever with Natalie. The urge to go there herself was immense, but Jackie shoved it down and instead smiled at Jeff. “Sure. Shopping?”
Jeff gave her his own smaller grin and started the car, heading towards the busier part of Wiskayok.
Chapter Text
Shauna groaned dramatically, tossing a dirty solo cup at Lottie’s head. “Get a room, you two. You’re worse than Tai and Van.”
Lottie turned to look at Shauna with a scowl, but her cheeks were red. Natalie just smirked. “That’s an odd way of saying you’re jealous.”
“Maybe that’s because I’m not. Now get to work, the break is over.”
The pair managed to finally break apart and start cleaning up the mess of last night again. Lottie was generous when she hosted all these parties —the aftermath was something similar to what the end of a war looked like. Shauna only liked the ‘drink until you drop’ part, but Lottie liked to say the cleaning was therapeutic. ‘Gives me time to think’, she’d stated when Shauna came over. If there was one thing Shauna needed right now, it was time to think.
Room by room, minute by minute, the house started to return to its former glory. While the group fixed each room one by one, Shauna tried to wrangle in her thoughts; and continued to utterly fail every time.
Did Jackie ever mean anything in the first place? First it’s nice and next it’s an accident? Just wearing Shauna’s clothes like it was nothing. Even the thought had her heart pounding, because not only did Jackie look stunning in anything, she looked exquisite in Shauna’s flannels. The flannel over Jackie’s shoulders, it would have been a glaring sign that she herself was Shauna’s. That’s what wearing each other’s clothes was supposed to mean, but Jackie seemed to be delusional in believing it was just a thing casual friends did with sugar sweet smiles.
Considering what they did the night before, they weren’t casual. Were they? Did best friends kiss like that on the daily? Shauna didn’t know. Tai and Van did —so did Lottie and Natalie— but they all ended up together. Would she and Jackie do that? Get together? If only god could be so kind, because fuck, that would be amazing. Shauna would never have to feel jealous of Jeff ever again. Jackie would never have to kiss her just to get back at Jeff.
The idea was also appalling though. Jackie’s parents would never accept it, and Shauna didn’t even think Jackie herself necessarily did. She had looked at Natalie and Lottie like they were ghosts last night. And she also refused to believe Tai and Van were actually together. Not in a ‘that’s fucking disgusting’ way, just in a ‘but girls are only supposed to like boys’ way. It was hard being best friends with Jackie sometimes.
It had never been harder than now, because Jackie might have crossed a line Shauna couldn’t ignore. She toed them all the time, but had never explicitly crossed one that much. Instead of just slipping over it, Jackie had jumped right over and then back out. Shauna didn’t want to believe she could just do that. There was no way she could just… take it back. Accident her ass, Jackie kissed her twice.
And Shauna had let her. Jackie’s words rang like a warning bell in her head, ‘just one more’. If it was only one more, then Shauna should try to forget all about this. Shove it aside and never look at it again. The problem with that was Jackie had been her first kiss. That's the thing she would have to compare all her following kisses to —although it's not like Shauna was similar to Jackie. She didn't have people lined up to date her.
Every thought soured when she thought of what Jackie could possibly be doing with Jeff. He wasn't worth her time, ever. He would never be worth her time. So what made Shauna worth Jackie's time? Shauna thought she could offer her heart on a platter just to be around Jackie. Jeff would never.
Natalie snapped her fingers from across the room, sharp enough to bring Shauna out of whatever spiral she was stuck in. “Hello, earth to Shauna?”
“Sorry, um. Did you say something?”
“I said we’re done. Do you still wanna hang out a little?”
“Oh, yeah. Of course.” Anything, because she didn’t have Jackie right now.
Lottie smiled casually. “If you don’t mind being a third wheel.”
With a huff, Shauna made a show of shaking her head. “I have some practice.” Not much, but some. Once Jackie had brought her along for a date with Jeff she really wasn’t feeling —never again. It physically hurt to keep her expression neutral when Jeff said anything.
Natalie gave Lottie a kiss on the cheek (perhaps a test) and pulled out her phone. Its screen was cracked in several places but it worked all the same. “I was thinking we could go to this new cafe that opened up. Lottie can pay.”
“Sometimes I think you only like me cuz I’m rich,” Lottie snarked, but she was smiling almost stupidly.
“Oh, definitely not. It’s half the money and half your looks.”
Shauna put her hand up before the pair could flirt any more. “Enough. Or else I will dip.”
The trio shared a quick laugh before they all silently agreed to Natalie’s idea. Shauna was their ride, since she probably wouldn’t be coming back once they drove away. Natalie sat in the front and Lottie sat in the back, complaining about Nat choosing shotgun over her.
It was cute —it really was— but Shauna thought her ears might fall off by the end of this. Still, the background noise was working at taking her mind off of Jackie.
Natalie’s phone had google maps open as the cafe as the destination, and despite the spider’s web of cracks Shauna made it with no hitches.
She parked on the curb and they all got out, heading inside and claiming a back booth. There was a quiet kind of bustle in the air. Not too loud since the place didn’t have the chance to be popular yet, but a peaceful lull. Casual. Shauna guessed this place would turn out to be a nice hangout spot, perhaps for Lottie and Nat, maybe even Shauna and Jackie. Surely the whole group, too.
“The hot chocolate sounds good.” Shauna mused, looking at the menu.
“Basic bitch.” Natalie replied, not unkindly.
“How do you even like her, Lottie?”
Natalie laughed, unrestricted. It was a sound Shauna had slowly become more used to. Ever since the blonde started to spend more time with Lottie, it came more easily to her. Shauna was truly happy for them; they worked so well, despite being almost complete opposites. Lottie smiled, gazing at Nat like she’d never seen anything so beautiful. It was something Shauna recognised, because she knew that’s what she looked like with Jackie. Shauna didn’t enjoy admitting it, but the girl had picture proof. Truly a miracle Jackie hadn’t thought anything of it.
“You look like you’re thinking of Jackie,” Lottie pointed out, eyes on Shauna now. It was startling —the idea of having a look when she did lose her mind to Jackie. She couldn’t help a blush from rising on her cheeks. Lottie had read her like a book.
“Sorry, we just… kinda had a fight? I don’t really know anymore.”
“Well, disagreements are often common between friends. You shouldn’t be worried about that.”
“She also kissed me.” Shauna tried not to find a joy in the way both Natalie’s and Lottie’s jaws dropped open, but it was impossible. “Twice.”
“W-when did this happen?!” Nat managed to choke out, the surprise on her face comical. Same for Lottie, who was clearly still trying to wrap her head around it. Shauna was too, in all honesty.
“Last night. We were both pretty drunk, so I didn’t want to think anything of it, but… y’know…”
“You still like her, even though she’s with Jeff? It’s been four years.” Natalie retorted. She was angry on Shauna’s behalf. The blonde had never thought Jackie treated Shauna well enough, but their souls were so intertwined it would take a god to separate them now.
“That doesn’t change the fact that she kissed me. I didn’t even initiate anything.”
Lottie interjected, finally gaining her voice back. “How was it?”
Shauna responded with a scoff; it should have been obvious. “Really fucking good.”
“Well that’s fucking great,” Natalie spoke. Her tone couldn’t decide whether to be annoyed or sympathetic. “You have nothing to compare her to though, right?”
With a pathetic shake of her head, Shauna sunk into her seat. “My first kiss, and it was with someone I’ll never have.” She couldn’t think of a greater travesty.
“Let me be your second, as comparison.” Nat demanded, looking confident in herself. Lottie’s mouth opened in an incredulous ‘o’, but Natalie quickly clarified, “It won’t mean anything. Just so Shauna isn’t so inexperienced.”
The idea itself was dubious, but Shauna was willing to give it a try. If she had something to tell her she was imagining the chemistry she felt with Jackie, it would be much easier to forget. She wasn’t so keen on doing it right here, right now, though. I mean, kissing another girl? Give her some time to prepare, for god's sake.
“I don’t mind. Not here though, maybe in my car?”
“Of course. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”
“And let's not make this weird…”
With a silent agreement and some sort of spirit that tried to be valiant, they headed back to Shauna’s car.
“Should we be doing this?” Doubt began to trickle down Shauna’s spine. This seemed like something impulsive teenagers —not that they weren't, but still— did before messing a lot of relationships up. “It's not like we're living in a rom-com.”
“If you're worried about Jackie, she'll never find out. Plus, I like Lottie and you clearly like Jackie. No feelings involved, simple as that.”
When Natalie said it, it did seem easier. All they really had to do was lean in at the same time. Shauna remembered Jackie's desperation the moment she looked receptive to the idea; grabbing, pulling, sighing in satisfaction. It was so out of character for Jackie, was it only a dream?
“Alright. Let’s do this.”
Shauna allowed herself to lean forward, fully closing the distance between them. Natalie felt softer than she made herself out to be. Not rough, but gentle and slow. She didn’t rush, like Jackie had. Natalie let Shauna take the lead and compare. When they broke apart, Shauna felt good enough to smile.
Natalie looked at her questioningly, patiently. “Well?”
“I mean… Jackie was still better, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Lottie scoffed, crossing her arms and turning to face them from the front seat. “My turn now.” When both Natalie and Shauna looked at her in surprise, she just smiled. “Joking. Do you wanna go shopping? We have time.”
Natalie pressed a chaste kiss to Lottie’s lips and buckled her seatbelt while Shauna moved to the driver's seat of the car. “Yeah, sounds like a good idea.”
And then Shauna was charioting them from the cafe to the mall. There were a few, but Shauna was impulsively driving to Jackie’s favourite one —it had a multitude of clothes and makeup stores, and Shauna would have to drag her away from them sometimes. She parked the car in the parking lot, and then the trio went inside.
People walked from store to store, up and down elevators. It was busy since it was the weekend, and it felt like things were actually normal. Natalie took Lottie’s hand in hers and grinned. “I know you love shoplifting from TJ Maxx, wanna go and do that?”
“That’s a fucking weird date idea.” Shauna huffed with a smile. She didn’t complain when they were leading the way right towards a TJ Maxx, because she kind of owe Natalie now. “I’m not participating in this, so I’ll be outside.”
Shauna sat on one of the many available sitting areas sprinkled around the place. She didn’t know how many people actually used them, since they all should have been walking around and shopping anyway. The seat was probably happy to see her coming. Time moved slowly now, without anyone to talk to. It didn’t hurt to admit conversation was one thing she sought. That was part of the reason Shauna had spent the better part of her life next to Jackie, with Jackie, admiring Jackie. Having her traitorous heart feel too much for Jackie.
Around Jackie, sometimes it felt like something had shoved its way down her throat and squeezed her lungs so she couldn’t breathe. Sometimes it felt like millions of needles had stabbed her heart and left her bleeding from the inside out, slowly and painfully. Other times it felt like she’d rather be nowhere else. Like the only thing that mattered was being right beside her.
It hurt Shauna so much, and yet it gave her more. If only Jackie could see her, see that Jeff wasn’t worth anything at all, and notice how Shauna had always and would always be there for her. The fact that she hadn’t yet was both a blessing and a curse. Shauna didn’t know what she would do if Jackie ever liked her the same way she did. Having any hope in that happening was a foolish thing to waste time on, so Shauna didn’t. Even if it hurt to abandon, she did anyway.
“You have that Jackie look again,” Lottie’s voice broke her thoughts in two, and Shauna started. She hadn’t even noticed them approach her.
“What does that even mean?” Shauna asked, exasperated.
Lottie shrugged like it was simple. “Your eyebrows furrow in concentration and you start bouncing your leg up and down. And your eyes get this really faraway look, since you’re either staring right at Jackie or just in your head.”
Shauna stopped bouncing her leg with a scowl. “How do you even figure that out, you freak.”
Scoffing in mock offence, Lottie grinned. “Me and Laura Lee took pictures once in the locker room. Then we just started noticing it.”
“Why though?”
“That’s an awful lot of questions you don’t need the answers to that you’re asking.” Lottie mocked, hugging Natalie as if to hide from the interrogation. Shauna just sighed, trying to remember to never think of Jackie again.
“You succeeded in shoplifting?”
Now it was Natalie’s turn to speak. “Yep, so we should maybe go actually. Don’t wanna hang around, yeah?”
With a single nod, Shauna stood. Her eyes flicked back to the TJ Maxx —there was no signs of alarm, so Shauna hoped they’d get off scot-free. “You guys are unbelievable, honestly. Who has shoplifting as their hobby?”
“You’re talking to two people who do.” Natalie deadpanned, smiling. The trio started to walk to the exit, which wasn’t too far off. This was the first time Shauna had even gotten close to committing a crime (other than murdering Jeff) and despite not even participating, she found her heart speeding up. Her eyes darted to follow the people in the mall, all walking normally and not like they’d witnessed anything. She didn’t understand how Lottie could stand so casually with stolen clothes probably in her big-ass purse, and how Natalie could chat about anything but what she and Lottie just did.
Her eyes found a pair of people who looked awfully familiar in a terrible way. Jackie and Jeff. They were standing outside of Victoria’s Secret, and Jackie was clinging on tight to Jeff’s arm looking at something on his phone. She laughed, and Shauna felt time slow down. Anger quickly won in a battle with surprise, and her blood turned hot. It took real mental power to look away, but before she even got the chance Jackie’s eyes had found hers from across the room.
Despite the fact that they were so far away from each other, Shauna could see the room shrink. She was trapped. Jackie’s gaze had her trapped. There was no fight or flight —it was only freeze. “Natalie fucking help.” Shauna said quietly, reaching for where Nat and Lottie had been standing seconds before. Her hand wrapped around Natalie’s wrist, and soon enough both of them had seen the problem.
“Is this about the fight you had or the kiss..?” Lottie had the gall to ask.
“I don’t even fucking know,” Shauna hissed in reply.
Jackie nudged Jeff, and then he was looking too. Shauna could see him about to step forward, but Jackie stopped him, just holding onto his arm tighter and smiling. She didn’t look at Shauna unkindly, but she was clear in the fact of not wanting to go over and exchange words. The anger still bubbling in her veins at seeing Jeff was like poison. It was clouding her judgment severely, because the next thing Shauna knew, she was tugging on Natalie’s sleeve.
Tugging hard enough to pull Natalie in for a kiss. Ignoring Lottie’s reaction was easy, since it wasn’t scared and only slightly surprised. Natalie’s reaction was harder to ignore, because she tried to pull away immediately before realising the reason why. Jackie’s reaction was the only one Shauna couldn’t see, and yet still couldn’t ignore. Maybe she was imagining things, but it felt like Jackie was staring right at her and completely fucking smouldering.
Once she stopped the kiss, instead of looking back at Jackie like all her cells screamed to do, Shauna started power walking towards the exit, dragging Natalie behind her. Lottie traipsed after them as if this wasn't something you fled the scene after, and instead basked in. This felt like a crime —an unforgivable one. Why the fuck did she do that? What was Jackie's reaction? Was she mental?
Shauna’s heart felt like it was having palpitations that killed you. For all she knew, it was. It's not like she felt fucking fantastic right now. Was this what a heart attack felt like? Wouldn't be surprising.
"Shauna you're holding on really tight." Natalie murmured, loud enough to break through her spiral. Shauna loosened her grip but only let go once they were in front of her car and actively getting in. She leaned her head against the wheel and sighed.
"Sorry. I don't know what came over me, I just... I was so fucking jealous, I don't know. Sorry. Fuck."
Natalie put a hand on Shauna’s from beside her. "It's okay, it's fine. Things will blow over, you didn't do anything major."
"Not to get the mood down but I'm not so sure about that. Jackie was fucking fuming."
As if on cue, Shauna’s phone rang. She looked at the screen and the caller ID was Jackie’s. Shauna didn't pick up, but she did check her texts. Of course the first thing Jackie went to was text messages; she couldn't just let Shauna leave with no explanation.
A myriad of texts had been sent in the span of time it took Shauna to get to her car. What the fuck was that, and call me, all of the sort. Her latest one, do you just go around kissing girls like it's nothing now? It was almost as if Jackie actually cared —maybe she did, more than she'd like to admit.
It was almost impossible not to feel even a little happy. Sure, Shauna might not have done the best thing in the world. She might have done one of the worst things. But Jackie cared. Cared enough to want to know the reason why. Shauna didn't know if she wanted to give it.
I thought you wanted it to mean nothing.
Lottie gave a short 'damn' from behind her, staring at the phone screen like it was some 5 star movie. Shauna tried hard not to scowl and hide the screen, because Shauna had involved Lottie’s girlfriend in this. They both deserved to see the aftermath.
Jackie didn't reply for a while, even if the message was seen and read. It sent Shauna’s pulse pounding when three dots showed up.
Fucking call me.
The urge to follow Jackie's orders with no question was instinctual, but she resisted. I thought you were with Jeff? Instead of replying, Jackie called again. This time Shauna wasn't so petty as to not pick up. Before she got the chance to speak, Jackie's voice carried through, all jagged edges and thinly-veiled hurt.
"Are you dating Natalie or something?"
Silence permeated in the air while Shauna tried to think of a reply. 'No' made it seem like she was being bratty. 'Yes' made it seem like Jackie had never truly known her, and would be impossible to carry through. 'Maybe' was the only option, and even then it was crooked. Maybe, in the way that meant 'I could be, but I'm not telling', or maybe in the way that meant 'possibly in the future'.
"Maybe. I'm not sure about it."
The words felt wrong on her tongue. Was it really a good idea to go this far for a single lapse in judgement? Shauna couldn't tell which was the root of this; kissing Jackie, or kissing Natalie. Deep down she knew, but it would take hell for Shauna to admit it. This wasn't started by her, but it was surely trailing on due to her actions.
Nothing could prepare Shauna for the blank tone Jackie spoke in next, a hollow "Oh, okay," that had her doubting if any of it was worth it. Maybe some sick part of Shauna enjoyed this —jealously looked good on Jackie, when it was for her and her only— but the normal part, the sane part, it felt guilty.
"Have fun then," Jackie continued in a voice almost scarily void of emotion. Shauna hoped to any god she believed in that it was just to hide her real feelings and thoughts. Any kind of waver would be like splaying paint on a canvas, giving away so much. Too much.
"Thanks."
Jackie hung up without another word, leaving Shauna sitting in a silent dread. Everything had a dull kind of sheen to it, like someone had lowered a grey film over Shauna’s eyes. This was a big fucking mistake.
"That went to shit really fast." Natalie said, casual as if Jackie and Shauna’s whole dynamic hadn't just veered right off the road and crashed into a tree.
Lottie put a comforting hand on Shauna’s shoulder, but nothing could change anything now. Even though it was pathetic to think at this point, Shauna knew it was a mistake. Her anger had been so overtaking, so strong and searing. She hadn't wanted Jackie to get burned, but flames weren't something you could control, only dampen. Shauna had failed to do that in time.
The only thing Shauna could do —had the sense to do— was nudge Lottie’s hand off her shoulder and start the car. Not only did Shauna not deserve comfort, she deserved to drive off the edge of a fucking mountain and know, clear as day, what was coming at the bottom.
"Will you both be getting out at the mansion?" It was startling, the way Shauna echoed Jackie so neatly. A voice devoid of any deep emotion, lest it all crumble down. That wasn't something Shauna could afford right now, not in front of Lottie and Natalie, even if her world had already been ravaged by the flames of anger. Jackie was that world, and Shauna would give anything to have her back. To rewind time and never kiss Natalie like that, so openly and sharply. It had been very clearly a stab, a weapon, pointed right at Jackie. Shauna didn't know she'd ever land a hit as deep as that.
"We can call a cab just fine." Lottie said, halfway out the door. Natalie quickly moved to mirror her actions, sensing just as Lottie had that Shauna needed space. Quite a lot of it.
Once they were gone, Shauna mindlessly drove herself back home. She knew she should have driven to Jackie’s house, begged for things to go back to normal, but she just couldn't bring herself to do that. It wasn't in her nature to forgive so easily and readily. Shauna was known to bury and boil and burn until her will was charred and the only logical choice was to forgive. Or in this case, admit the terrible, awful wrong she had done to Jackie.
What that was, exactly, should have been clear, but Jackie wasn't supposed to actually be so jealous. There was no way she could have sounded so hollowed out and empty at the idea of girls kissing girls. Was it Shauna, then? Of course it was Shauna’s fault for doing that, but was she also the reason? The idea was a sick hope, lodged like a stone in her gut, heavy and cold.
Notes:
Shauna gets so jealous this is all valid and cannon...
Next chapter they will communicate at least a little don't worry :>
Chapter Text
Jackie couldn't fucking believe Shauna Shipman. The absolute fucking audacity she had was unbelievable. 'Maybe. I'm not sure about it.' Since when? And of course, that fucking kiss. It was an understatement to say Jackie was angry. She was livid. Completely, fully livid and fuming and hating and cursing. If anyone were to get in her way right now, she'd just suffocate them and keep going.
Jeff walked up to her, his presence suddenly unwelcome, even if he was just worried about her. Jackie edged out of his way when he tried to put a hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong? Was it Shauna? Does she like girls or some shit?"
That was a good fucking question, because Jackie wasn't so sure herself anymore. Not only was Shauna’s first kiss with a girl —her, though Jackie didn't think she regretted it one bit— her third was also. No boys present. Jackie wanted to give Shauna a chance. She really did. But at the same time, the idea of Shauna ever kissing anyone other than her felt like the end of the world.
"Yes, it was Shauna. She's just so fucking..." Annoying? Infuriating? "Random." Jackie didn't tell Jeff just how much Shauna affected her. The last thing Jackie wanted to admit was that she was jealous, even if she felt it so deeply in her bones. Taking inspiration from her call with Shauna, she kept her tone as empty and boring as possible.
"Can you drive me back to my house?" The ease at which she could switch between angry to hollow was a little startling, maybe worrying, but Jeff ignored it entirely. He only shrugged, fine with ending their little ‘date’ early.
Soon enough, Jackie was back home. Her father was in the living room, not even turning to acknowledge her when he spoke. “Where were you?”
“I went on a date with Jeff.”
Instead of replying he just nodded in satisfaction, and Jackie could only see the top of his head move. Grateful to be off the hook so fast she jumped up the stairs, but her father said more, still not regarding her properly. Casual, in a way.
“You weren't with that friend of yours, were you? Shauna, was it? I don't like her. She was the one that got you to play soccer, wasn't she. That's a boy’s sport.”
Jackie had to bite her tongue to keep from snapping. She was the one who got Shauna to play, but she'd lied to her dad because of this. Honestly, she felt guilty about it to this day —her father hated Shauna for what Jackie had said all those months ago on a whim.
“I know. I wasn't with her.”
Instead, Shauna was the only thing Jackie could think about. Shauna, who kissed someone else and looked like she enjoyed it. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fucking fair. Still, Jackie wouldn't go back. She didn't want Shauna to forget her first kiss was taken by Jackie. She didn't want Shauna to forget that she belonged to Jackie. They were best friends, so it just worked like that.
Jackie locked her bedroom door, falling onto her bed and relishing the way her stomach flipped. She took her phone out and before even thinking, she was checking Shauna’s location —her house. It's a little surprising; Jackie had assumed she'd still be hanging out with Lottie, who was an audience member to the worst thing Jackie had ever seen, and god forbid, Natalie.
Staring at Shauna’s icon like she would be able to see the real Shauna if she looked hard enough, Jackie felt wrong. Everything felt wrong when she couldn't just text Shauna like she normally did for no reason at all, or call her just to fall asleep without hanging up. Jackie had spent more than half of her life with Shauna. This loneliness was new for her, the absence of a presence always there. In the span of two days, everything had become just that —new.
What she'd done with Shauna, kissing her twice, under her own roof. Having sex with Jeff, or at least trying to as best as she could. Witnessing her best friend kiss Natalie, when her first kiss was only the day before? Had it meant nothing at all to Shauna? Just the thought made Jackie want to do it again. Not because she liked it —she couldn't— but because she wanted it to mean something to Shauna. Maybe it already meant something to Jackie.
Jackie wanted Shauna to never forget, never get over it, never replace her with someone else. Natalie wasn't a worthy replacement, not in the slightest. Why would someone prefer Natalie over Jackie, the queen bee, prettiest girl in Wiskayok?
She bit down a laugh that might have sounded more like a bark if she let it out. How fucking narcissistic, thinking like that. It made her want to cringe, because that wasn't Jackie at all. These were just the thoughts of someone who didn't know who they really were. Jackie didn't feel like herself without Shauna to talk to, to look at, to smile with.
Opening her text messages with no intent of sending one to Shauna, she reread the texts she had sent. Jackie could see the desperation dripping off the words and sticking to her hands. When she had sent them, it felt like there was a hole in her chest where her heart should have been. It felt like Jackie was watching someone who looked exactly like Shauna but wasn't. Because Shauna didn't do that —she didn't kiss people, even if she'd known them for years.
Shauna had never willingly spoken about any crushes to Jackie for as long as she could remember. It was always Jackie, sighing dreamily and kicking her feet because 'ohh, he noticed me! I bet he likes me back', came so naturally to her. Whenever Jackie had begged Shauna to tell her who she liked, Shauna muttered like the words were poison in her mouth and Jackie was forcing her to swallow. It was always 'I'm not sure they like me, I'll get over it.' Always 'I don't like anyone right now, but tell me more about your crush.'
Avoiding, avoiding, never spilling. Sometimes Shauna’s reactions made Jackie feel like she was crushing on all the wrong people, at all the wrong times. But she'd always been there, smiling, though sometimes it looked like it hurt. Jackie had always brushed it off, saying to herself in hopes of believing it, she's only sad she hasn't found the right one yet.
Before she knew it Jackie had scrolled up years in the past, the letters on her screen from close to 3 years ago, when they didn't do soccer and didn't go to each other’s houses every day. She read, text after text, days dripping by and then fading, ones she didn't remember at all and quickly forgot again. Unable to look too hard at these memories for any longer, sitting for her to read as if they were just a book for entertainment, Jackie scrolled right back to the bottom, where her present lay.
Come over tonight?
Without even thinking, after staring at the message for minutes, she pressed send. It hadn't even been an hour since the mall and Jackie was already back to wanting Shauna here, in her room. She didn't even know what she would do if Shauna said okay, but it would still be a breath of fresh air. The last time Shauna was here they kissed —Jackie thought of it like it happened years ago, when it was really only yesterday. Why was she still thinking about it? They also fought, but Jackie thought that should already be in the past, something they didn't have to remember.
Okay, Shauna replied. Both fear and joy welled inside her at the same time, because it seemed like a forgiveness. Jackie, forgiving Shauna by asking for her to come over, and Shauna accepting that forgiveness. It's been one fucking day, and Jackie has simultaneously felt a great gaping betrayal, but also a yearning to just have Shauna back, and now she was getting Shauna back. Hopefully. Things never used to be so crazy, so back and forth, so random. And Jackie was the one who started all of this.
Jackie knows that it's nowhere near 'tonight', but she checks Shauna's location anyway. It feels like by doing this she can see her, walking and breathing and maybe staring at her own reply. Somehow it gives Jackie a sort of comfort. She finds herself wishing the small dot that was Shauna would start moving, and realises that she doesn't want to wait too long. Shauna shouldn't be making her wait for an inevitable explanation.
Come over now.
Please?
It's odd, but Jackie doesn't even care how desperate she seems this time. Anything to have things go back to normal, even if it felt as though she was sucking up and giving in. Being too lenient, or too eager. Just doing something wrong. Once her text was seen, Jackie checked Shauna’s location. She never used to do it this much —usually just to see if Shauna gets home safe, or if Jackie’s specifically bored, to see how far away she is. Soon the little icon is moving, and Jackie can feel her heart beating in her throat.
She didn't think this through. Didn't think of the fact that Shauna would be here, standing in her room and expecting something. What would they say? Of course, Jackie expected to be asking questions. Shauna probably had her own questions too, maybe why the fuck did you kiss me? If Shauna did ask that question, Jackie didn't know if she was prepared to answer. The simple answer was 'to get back at Jeff', but by now they both knew that was flimsy. Because not only did Jackie kiss Shauna once, she kissed her twice, which she still couldn't wrap her head around.
What on god's green earth had possessed her into muttering in the dark, 'just one more'? A morbid curiosity, or maybe just this secret wanting the first kiss unlocked and forced into a physical form. That influenced her common sense and cracked it open to reveal something rotten or broken. Deformed. Wrong.
Girls weren't supposed to kiss girls for their own satisfaction. The only reason should be practice, or revenge the same as Jackie’s. There was no reason for the second kiss, and Jackie hated herself for it. Maybe she couldn't consider herself equal to Jeff with just one, but that still wasn't what she was thinking in the moment. It was a haze, a blank space waiting to be filled that she didn't want to be filled.
The sound of her father's voice jolted Jackie out of her thoughts, which she could only rationally describe as a spiral. How long had it been? "Jackie, did you invite Shauna over?" There was an accusatory leer to it, one Jackie wanted to ignore but could quite fully. And then Shauna’s voice was drifting up, 'Jackie?', and she scrambled off her bed to open her bedroom door.
"Yeah, I invited her over,” Jackie regarded her dad, but only briefly. “Come up, Shauna."
Ignoring the show she'd acted out of dismissing her father's obvious hate for Shauna, Jackie waited patiently until Shauna was standing in front of her. Instead of staring, which she was a second away from doing, Jackie let her in. They both sat on the bed. Shauna looked down at the floor, quiet, perhaps waiting. Jackie let her eyes trace Shauna’s profile. She was still wearing the same clothes she had been wearing at the mall. Jackie was still wearing the same clothes she had chosen this morning, including Shauna’s flannel. She took it off and draped it over the bed.
"Um... thanks for coming."
"Of course."
Shauna turned to look at her and started talking at the same time Jackie did.
"Listen, I-"
"I didn't mean-”
They both broke off quickly. Jackie smiled sheepishly like things were actually going back to normal, and Shauna returned it even though her eyes were comically wide.
“You go first,” Jackie prompted.
“I only…” She paused, thinking, and started again. “I just…” Shauna then gave up with a sigh. “You go first.”
Jackie did without hesitation. “I don't care that you kissed Natalie… but why? Do you actually like her like that? Are you a- do you like girls?”
“No, I… I don't like girls, why would I?”
Jackie tried to ignore the way Shauna skipped over all her other questions, but it was close to impossible. So she didn't. “Do you like Natalie?”
“God, Jackie. Isn't that a bit forward?”
“But do you?”
There was a pause, heavy in the air. It was weighted when it shouldn’t have been. “No, I don't.”
“Then why?” Jackie tried to keep the desperation out of her voice, the absolute need for a real answer. Shauna confused her so much sometimes, she felt like without a clear reply she just wouldn't understand.
“I don't know.” Shauna mumbled, quiet enough that Jackie might not have caught it if she wasn't listening.
“Just tell me, you have to know. There had to be a reason, Shauna.”
“Why do you care so fucking much?”
Jackie clamped her mouth shut, staring at Shauna like she'd just said something a thousand times worse —maybe ‘I don't care about you anymore,’ or perhaps ‘God, you're so annoying'. Shauna stared right back like she regretted ever coming here.
“Well, I- we're supposed to be best friends, aren't we? And best friends tell each other everything…”
“Then tell me why you kissed me yesterday.” Shauna demanded. The question was jarring. So jarring Jackie actually flinched. Why? Why was this so hard to answer?
The silence that followed quickly became Jackie’s least favourite thing in the whole world. She struggled to scrape together any sort of excuse, anything, anything at all. Her head was cruelly blank.
“I-” Jackie stopped, still trying to process. “I mean- I just- well it was… just to get back at Jeff, remember?”
“And the second one?” Shauna pushed, showing no regard for Jackie’s floundering.
“I'm the one that should be questioning you!” She snapped, unwilling to take that step, unwilling to answer that question.
“I answered all your questions already.”
Oh, yeah. Shauna doesn't like girls (dubious, but Jackie will take it as though lying is impossible right now), she doesn't like Natalie like that, and she doesn't know why she did what she did. Those were Shauna’s answers, to all of Jackie’s questions. And honestly, Jackie didn't have any more questions other than ‘are you lying?’
“It was also to get back at Jeff,” she attempted pathetically. Shauna didn't look as though she believed it, but Jackie had no idea what to do if that was really the case, because that's what she was telling herself.
“It was to get back at Jeff.” Jackie repeated, somehow more to convince herself than Shauna. How the fuck did things get this bad? Or does she mean confusing? She doesn't fucking know anymore.
Then Shauna is softening, relaxing, and she actually smiles. “Okay. I believe you.”
‘How?’ Jackie wanted to ask. Wanted to demand the real answer, and none of the lies coming from her own mouth. Instead she returned Shauna’s smile no matter how wrong it felt, and wrung her hands together.
“Today, um. I went to the next level with Jeff.” She said tentatively. Tested to see if things were really back to normal. Apparently they were because Shauna’s eyes turned dark, yet she still smiled.
“And?” Shauna spoke narrowly, straight and concise, like as soon as she got it out she would be home-free. Normally, Jackie would take the bait. She'd go on about how he was so hot, and it felt so good and amazing and right, although she'd only be describing kisses, and she'd be fucking lying. This was a huge step for Jackie, and Jeff if she was honest, but she found that she didn't care. Because things weren't normal anymore.
That fact became clear as day when Jackie surged forward and kissed Shauna again, grabbing at her clothes, her shoulders. No warning, no reason, no point. Just a wanting. A need.
Like a mantra in her head, the only thing Jackie could think was just one more, just one more, as though to convince herself this was it. She's lying, she knows, but doesn't acknowledge it. Can't, even if it kills her inside. She's died ten times over already, thinking about this. Jackie feels Shauna stiffen at the contact, but her hands quickly found themselves in Jackie’s hair, curling into the strands. Pulling Jackie closer instead of pushing her away.
They kissed almost fervently, as though they had both missed this. Jackie found herself sinking forward, pressing as close as she could to Shauna. She tugged on Shauna’s bottom lip with her teeth, something she'd never tried before, noting the hitch of Shauna’s breath, her body relaxing like this was natural.
Like this was exactly what she wanted.
This time Jackie was the one to pull away. This time Shauna was the one chasing her lips, frowning when it ended. Jackie felt sick. She felt wrong. She felt wrong. This was a mistake.
“Leave.” The word is out before she can stop it, but it only makes Jackie feel a little better. As though she was going back to normal, even though normal was miles behind her now. The word is only one step backwards, she needs hundreds. Thousands.
“W-what?” Shauna’s innocent voice, breathless.
“I said, get out!” More steps. They hurt as much as they heal.
“Jackie, what's wrong?”
Jackie pressed her palms against her eyes, forcing herself to not look at the worry in Shauna’s own. Everything is wrong. She needs to go back, rewind time, stop this somehow. It's fucking killing her. “Get the fuck out and don't talk to me.”
“Just tell me what I did!” Now a desperation similar to the one Jackie felt, to the one Jackie knew so well. Shauna had never went against her so much. Jackie had never felt so wrong.
“LEAVE.”
And then that silence. Heavy, as if it had it's own weight pressing on Jackie’s shoulders. The moment Jackie started to think of taking it back, stepping away from normal, so close now, Shauna whispered to perhaps no one, “Okay. I'm sorry,” and she left the room. The door shut with a gentle click behind her, leaving a sort of finality that sat sickening in Jackie’s stomach.
It felt worse than when Jackie had been young and dumb. Naive and hoping in something hopeless. It was worse than when she'd believed in a world where she got what she wanted with no consequences.
There were always consequences.
Chapter Text
Shauna didn't know what to think. The past —what, thirty minutes?— had been such a roller coaster. She didn't understand Jackie in the slightest. Everything was going fine, admittedly not well, but fine. They talked. She didn't want to believe that was it, because everything else just complicated things. Another fucking kiss. Shauna hated Jackie for it. If Jackie had no idea what she was doing, Shauna may as well have been brain dead.
She got in her car, the empty passenger seat seemingly teasing her, laughing. After sitting with her head against the wheel for a minute too long, Shauna started the engine. The car ride home was taken in silence, and Shauna was left to stew in her head. Even though she should be paying attention to the road, it was only second priority. Jackie would always be first priority.
As if in some sort of delusional state, Shauna thought —truly, really believed— that Jackie didn't do that to get back at Jeff. She'd been clinging to Jeff’s arm earlier that day, all happy smiles and coy giggles. What was there to get back at? Then Shauna felt like she'd been shoved, or slapped, or maybe even punched. 'Today, um. I went to the next level with Jeff.' Her knuckles turned bone-white from their death grip on the steering wheel. Jeff. What had he done now? What had he seen that he didn't deserve at all?
Just the thought sent a stab of darkness deep in Shauna’s stomach, sharp and tipped with poison. It swirled dangerously, and Shauna felt, no matter how phantom-like, the way it pierced flesh. She was gutted. Skinned to nothing but her bones, split into chunks, ground into powder. If anyone tried putting her back together, the only thing they would manage is giving up.
The idea was tempting. Giving up. On what, though? Her hope, maybe. Her feelings, definitely. Jackie, never, no matter how empty it made Shauna feel.
Her best friend shouldn't be the one who hurt her the most. Funny, how life worked. One second she was on cloud-9, getting everything she'd fantasised about in liquid dark. The next she felt dejected, maybe even broken, a doll tossed in the trash once it became boring to play with. Jackie loved to play with her. Shauna didn't think she was done playing yet, either.
Once she'd made it back home, in her bed, it was late enough to justify going to sleep. That's what she did, a million questions floating and colliding in her head, all of them starting with 'why?'
—————
Sunday began the way it usually did. Shauna, resisting the urge to slap her phone off her bedside just to shut the alarm up. All yawns and rubbing eyes, she brushed her teeth with a miserable kind of attitude. Then Sunday became new, but not exciting in the slightest. Jackie became Shauna’s sole focus, the reason she kept standing, kept getting ready, even though deep inside she knew Jackie wouldn't be waiting for Shauna to pick her up.
Maybe if she was, they would go roller-skating, or get frozen yoghurt at their usual place. They would spend the weekend like teenagers with nothing better to do and they'd ignore the gaping ravine cracking open between them. The thought brought back a stupid saying, one Shauna had heard a thousand times before after every spat, every childish fight. 'Communication is key'. How is that so accurate?
Shauna couldn’t even imagine the things she'd give up to have Jackie talk to her. Tell her what was wrong, maybe even tell her about everything she had ever given attention to in her life. Wouldn't that be nice? Communication. But still, lingering at the very back of her mind, in the crevices so dark and light-less, Shauna knew that she wouldn't do the same. There were some secrets better kept as secrets. So really, it was a pointless thing to hope for.
One secret that had never failed to consume Shauna’s entire world was her feelings. Hiding them was fucking torture, but surely sharing them would result in something somehow worse. 'Aw gee, Jackie. I would give you my heart on a platter, you know?'
'Scrape out my insides and use them however you'd like, yeah?'
'Carve your name into my skin and I'll wear it like a fucking necklace. Just for you, Jackie.'
Always for you.
And when Shauna asked for any pathetic morsel in return, all she got was the dirt under Jackie’s nails. Could Jackie ever look at Shauna like she was a real person? Like she wasn't just a best friend, or more namely a servant. A servant to Jackie’s whim, every request piled like boulders on Shauna’s shoulders, until they were done or forgotten and she could cast the weights aside. Jackie, she wouldn't even pick up a pebble if Shauna begged on her deathbed.
"Breakfast is ready, sweetheart!" Shauna’s mom called from downstairs, luring her daughter into fully waking up. She'd normally be working, even on the weekends just to make up for Shauna’s absent dad, but today must have been special. It didn't feel particularly special.
"Coming, mom!" She let her voice project, paving over any cracks that threatened to show. She was not fighting with Jackie. She was not in love with Jackie. It didn't ever work when Shauna told herself that. Once you knew something, you couldn't normally think otherwise. Hypothetically, if you knew your best friend was fucking your boyfriend, you couldn't tell yourself it was the next person because you already knew who it really was. That's what this was like. Shauna loved Jackie, no matter how many times she told herself it was a platonic crush, or her brain playing a cruel trick on her. If it really was a platonic crush, it would have gone away years ago.
They sat in a silence bordering on comfortable but sitting in the awkward zone while they ate. Shauna hated having this kind of air around her mom when they didn't normally, but she couldn't bring herself to speak. It felt as though any words would fail her, or maybe shatter into glass shards and wedge themselves in her skin. Betraying her. So Shauna stayed silent, and soon enough she was muttering her goodbye and going to sit in her car just for the sake of sitting in her car.
She pressed her forehead against the wheel —something that was clearly becoming a habit— and sighed, long and low. Shauna didn't want to say she regretted anything, because she really believed that she didn't, but the same couldn't be said for Jackie. Jackie, who pulled Shauna close when things were supposed to be okay, were supposed to go back to normal. Who then pushed her away when things were starting to feel a little like normal, but better, instead of playing pretend.
Shauna didn't know how long she could last playing this fucked-up game of fantasy. They couldn't just ignore the fact that there were consequences. The consequences which were already an obvious, tangible thing, looming above both of their heads. It was similar to a storm cloud, hovering, weighing down the mood without doing anything but being there. Trying to pretend like it could possibly be avoided, but subsequently bursting into a torrent at the slightest poke.
Just the idea of it ever being a drizzle seemed irrational. That cloud, the one everyone had above their heads at some point, was already grey and fat. It hovered like a balloon, but one that harboured doom instead of a childlike happiness.
Her phone buzzed, and a hopeful yet sorely misguided part of Shauna’s brain wished it was Jackie. Instead it was Tai. Shauna could imagine her saying to a watching Van, 'do I have to talk to this dork?'
wanna cum 2 the movies today? me n Van r going to see Twister. was thinking of inviting Laura Lee 2.
Shauna could also picture Tai sniggering at her use of the word 'cum', showing it to Van just to knock a laugh out of her too. Those two were always together, and Shauna might have backed out if they weren't inviting Laura Lee. She couldn't take all these damn couples.
Sure, but Laura Lee would probably hate that movie. Is this a form of torture?
not if she agrees 2 it.
Somehow, that encapsulated exactly what Shauna experienced all the fucking time. But was submitting herself to the torture that was being best friends with Jackie Taylor just... not torture, if she did it willingly? That didn't seem right. Shauna wasn't a fucking masochist now, was she?
I think it might be peer pressure, not her accepting willingly. Do you even need a fourth wheel on your date?
couldnt have said it better myself. Van wants 2 tho, she thinks we wont be able to get through the whole movie w/o any1 there to get me off her.
Shauna didn't even have the will to fight when her lips curled into a smile, bringing some sort of sun past that dreary storm cloud.
TMI, dude. See you when?
2 pm, cya later nerd.
Checking the time, Shauna noted it was only around nine. That gave her around five hours of rotting. Or maybe aimless wandering. She couldn't decide which sounded more appealing, to be honest. Maybe she'd go for suffering instead. Shauna sighed, pressing her forehead back against the wheel, and waited. When she checked the time again it was twenty past nine.
Shauna started her car, deciding to do something useful. She could go to a library and read that book she's wanted to read for months now. She could study. She could try and talk to Jackie. Actually, scratch that last one. Nothing in the world would make her do that, other than Jackie herself. If Jackie talked to her first, then they could sort things out. Shauna ignored the fact that that might take years and instead chose to go to the library.
After spending a total of sixty minutes driving around to nowhere in particular, playing her radio stations rather than Jackie’s, Shauna finally felt ready to commit to it. Her mind was suitably emptied, and her hands suitably itched to be holding a book. Without wasting any more time Shauna drove to the library, found the book, grabbed the book, and sat down to read the book.
Time went quicker than Shauna thought possible. She finished her book and started studying, even bought some coffee and a croissant. Things felt so normal, Shauna could almost forget. Almost. The truth was she spent half as long reading as she did thinking about Jackie. Half of her time studying thinking about the kiss. So really, things were half normal. Still, her time wasn't spent pointlessly, because now it was one thirty.
Shauna went to her car, putting her cup of coffee in the cup holder. There was a quarter of the liquid left, and she wasn't gonna waste it. Then, as a matter of course, Shauna pressed her forehead against the steering wheel. It brought more comfort when it was something she did repeatedly, to be honest. The idea that she had some sort of schedule, or rule to follow every time she got in her car. It was a time-out, a break that Shauna desperately needed all the fucking time somehow.
Then she started the car and started her drive to the movies. In her little hour escapade before going to the library, Shauna had passed by the theatre two times. Each time, it reminded her that she needed to get it together. Shauna believed that was the reason she hadn't been driving for longer.
This time, instead of just driving by the theatre, Shauna parked in the lot. She waited until the time was one fifty before actually getting out and going to the front, hoping to see Van or Taissa already there. Her wish was granted, because Laura Lee was also there, talking with Van and Taissa casually. Shauna hurried her steps.
“Took you long enough, Shauna!” Van grinned.
“I'm ten minutes early. Also, I think you mean ‘hi Shauna, it's so nice to see you.’” She replied, but she found herself returning the smile.
“The movie starts in like 30 minutes,” Taissa cut in, “I'm hoping for more time to get snacks.”
Laura Lee sighed. “Lord have mercy. Please don't buy half the snacks they have this time.”
“No promises.” Taissa said, her voice lilting into sing-song territory. She took Van's hand and began to drag her inside, forcing Shauna and Laura Lee to follow.
Rather than buying half the snacks, Taissa settled on two large buckets of buttery popcorn to share and a packet of gummy snakes all to herself. Shauna, Laura Lee and Van had to share a pack of gummy bears, although Van had the benefit of being Taissa’s girlfriend and thus being allowed to take the snakes too.
“Van better not be allowed to give Taissa our bears,” Shauna warned.
“Don't worry, I have enough to be satisfied…” Taissa reassured, although it didn't sound too promising.
As they got their tickets, a familiar yet sincerely unfamiliar voice came from behind them. “Hey, didn't expect to see you guys here!”
They all turn in sync —something from a comedy, really— to find Melissa and Gen behind them in the line.
Shauna only really knew Melissa as her replacement, just a benchwarmer, either if she is unwell or benched in a game. Gen is even more of a mystery, someone who hangs around Melissa and doesn’t really do anything. She’s normally never on the field. It's weird to realise that they have their own lives, although it's obvious that they do in the first place. Maybe Shauna is just not as normal as she hoped.
“We didn't expect to see you here either.” Van agrees, the first to speak.
“What movie are you watching?” Laura Lee asks, mostly just for small talk.
Melissa smiles like she knows Laura Lee and Van personally even though it's impossible, adjusting a cap on her head. Maybe she's just really friendly? “We're watching Twister.”
Taissa returns Melissa's smile and claps her hands once. “Same! Great minds think alike. I'm pumped, what about you?”
“I think we should go before we cause a traffic jam.” Shauna interrupted, trying to keep her tone light. Everyone seemed to agree, and Shauna waited with Taissa, Laura Lee and Van for Melissa and Gen. It turns out in a miraculous twist of fate, their seats were right next to each other. They settle in, chattering like there's no one else in the theatre even though Shauna can feel people praying for them to shut up when the movie starts. Shauna is forced to sit next to Laura Lee on her left and Melissa on her right, something she didn't know whether to be happy or sad about. She hopes Melissa doesn't turn out to be boring.
—————
Once the movie ends, Shauna can't decide whether or not she liked it. Not because it was a bad movie —because she couldn’t pay attention. At all. Her thoughts were all JackieJackieJackie, over and over. Shauna hadn't even had a single gummy bear, and only a handful of popcorn. Somehow she thought she'd caught a sickness, maybe one that forced her to hyperfixate. But no, she knew it was her own fault. It was endless.
The questions, the confusion, somehow even a yearning. What did Jackie want from her? What was this about? When would Jackie text again? So many, racing through her head. Clogging any kind of useful thoughts. Shauna couldn't fucking take it. At this rate, she might not even have a voice in her head. It could be Jackie’s voice in her head, telling her this and that.
‘Pay attention to me, not a stupid tornado movie. You know I'm better. I know you know I'm better.’
‘You'll worship me, and you'll fucking like it.’
Maybe the Jackie in her head was right.
“Are you okay?” Someone asks, reeling Shauna in from her thoughts, the hook barely sharp enough to hold on. It was Melissa. Van and Tai were doing couple things, and Laura Lee had left early. Gen, though, she hovered. Waiting. Watching.
“Yes, I'm okay. I'm fine.” Shauna hurried, but the words weren't believing in the slightest. Somehow, she found that she didn't care.
“Listen, could I, like… have your number?” Melissa tried. When Shauna stared blankly in reply, she quickly went to explain the reasons. “So if I’m not filled in for a while you can tell me the strategy. Or something.”
“Oh, sure.” Shauna opened her phone and gave it to Melissa, who typed in her own number. Once she handed it back, Shauna managed a smile. “Text you later maybe?”
Melissa returned it eagerly. “Maybe.”
Then they all grouped back together to say their goodbyes, minus a Laura Lee, and headed in their respective directions. Shauna gets in her car and presses her head against the wheel. Sighs, once and then twice, like the first sigh caused the second but really she's just that tired. Never had something sapped so much of her energy. Not the socializing this time, even though that seemed so foreign, but the thinking. When she turned her thoughts over and over in her head, examining, picking them apart. Surgically, slowly, too slowly. Everything lingered, only made worse by the fact she was forcing the pieces back into sunlight.
Jackie was so confusing. Maybe she loved this part —cracking open Shauna’s head and forcing her way inside. Making her flounder, think that perhaps things are changing, changing just like Shauna has always wanted. Always yearned for, sought for, prayed and hoped and begged for. Although she never begged aloud. It was in Shauna’s eyes, her body, her expression. But never in her words.
It was in the way Shauna would let her gaze flicker to Jackie in class every few minutes, something subconscious, or something she couldn’t help. It was in the way Shauna hugged Jackie, hard but soft, holding on tight like if she ever let go Jackie would disappear. It was always in her face, softening her features no matter how mad she was at Jackie, how livid. Because she would always love Jackie, beneath all this hate piled up. Because without that hate, the only thing Shauna had was love.
And that’s what killed Shauna inside. Shauna shouldn’t love Jackie the way she currently did. Couldn’t, couldn’t, she couldn’t let it happen. It had been happening for years, too many years. Every second pulled thin, studied, because Shauna loved Jackie and she clung to every morsel. Whenever Jackie had cared to see her as a real person. Those moments gave her a hope she wishes she never had.
Imagine just how much easier this would be for Shauna if she didn’t care, like Jackie didn’t care. If she could just fucking forget, or brush whatever this was off, or even had the courage to stop it. This couldn’t be good. If this became a habit of Jackie’s, Shauna wouldn’t be able to say no. She would let Jackie kiss her and want more, and more, and more. Every touch would add fuel to a dormant flame, waiting to catch. The burn would be deadly. So no, this couldn’t keep going.
It was tempting to text Jackie that now, but there was no logical reason to. It shouldn’t have mattered to Shauna. Every reason would fall flat, because they were all just uniquely hers.
‘We can’t, because it makes me want more.’
‘We can’t, because I can never have more.’
‘We can’t, because you’re dangling something I’ll never have right in front of my nose and expecting me not to jump for it.’
Or Shauna could pull something out of her ass and say something stupid like, ‘just get back with Jeff and kiss him instead, I don’t feel like it anymore,’ even though that would never be true. Jackie would probably be able to tell, too.
Her forehead hurt. Her hands felt stiff. How long had she been sitting here, just thinking? Hours? Fuck, Jackie was making Shauna lose her mind. And then, like finally acknowledging the fact made the universe happy with her, Shauna’s phone dinged. She snatched it up with shaky fingers, hoping so badly it was Jackie and simultaneously dreading if it was. It was. Jackie had texted Shauna. Shauna felt like she might shrivel up and die, of both overwhelming happiness and this sort of emptiness that she knew wasn’t normal.
I’m sorry.
Jackie’s words were a balm, but only one that soothed the scars. Her open wounds stung even sharper when Jackie applied it to her skin. Shauna hated it, but she didn’t blame Jackie for something she didn’t know about. Somehow.
I’m fine, Shauna lied. Please just tell me why.
This might be asking why. And the plead, it was a knife with two sharp sides. A long point, more of a sword. Shauna had hated the last time she used something as a sword. She wants to demand answers. Tell me why you kissed me. Tell me why you stopped kissing me. Tell me the truth.
Shauna knows asking why is overstepping, yet it didn’t have to be. But it was. So clearly. Was Shauna digging into something she didn’t want to see the bottom of? That thought hurt. That she’d ever not want to see all of Jackie. The second thing Shauna wanted most was to see all of it, even if it tore them down and ripped them apart.
The first thing Shauna wanted most was for Jackie to love her right back.
Chapter 6
Notes:
This chapter was pretty hard to get right but I believe it's pretty in character for them ✨
Chapter Text
Please just tell me why.
Jackie stares at the words Shauna sent numbly, lying in her bed. She holds the phone, even as it burns, even as she wants to drop it. This isn't something she’s ready for. Shauna is asking for answers she doesn't have, just like last evening. Now, though, she can't say it was Jeff. Jackie is dating Jeff again, and he hasn't done anything to upset her. She wishes that Shauna would just let her kiss her, with no questions and no need for answers. But consequences, consequences, there were consequences. Shauna has feelings too. She deserves an answer.
She spends longer than she should thinking of a reply. What is there to say? Everything doesn’t sound right. And it’s even worse that Shauna is letting Jackie guess what the question really means. Maybe it’s all of it. Jackie doesn’t think she’ll ever tell Shauna about that. About everything she feels, because she doesn’t understand it herself.
Before Jackie can even start typing an excuse, any excuse, Shauna types out more.
Actually, it’s fine. You don’t have to.
Jackie can't really feel relief. It's clear the only reason Shauna has brushed it off is because she didn’t say anything. The ‘I’m sorry’ taunts her now, a regret instead of an apology. Is it bad that she feels obligated to fix things between them? If she doesn't, there's no one to talk to. Everyone on the team only tolerated Jackie as a captain, not as a friend. They all secretly hate her, she knows. It's clear in the way they never want to actually follow her lead, or maybe how they always tease about JackieandShauna. Only one word. They are too inseparable, always together, so close to being one person with one soul and one heart. But they're just too different. That hurt to think about sometimes, so Jackie distracted herself as best she could.
Dressing up had been a source of comfort. Sorting through her wardrobe, finding these clothes that match so well it was like they’d been bought as a set. That mindless, menial, useless task was so satisfying to her. Once, she had tried to do it with Shauna’s wardrobe. She watched so intensely Jackie didn’t even make it halfway. Her head couldn’t stop picturing Shauna in the clothes she pulled out, including the ones she never wore —for a good reason, too. They were so revealing, but Jackie remembered buying them for Shauna. When she wasn’t so… attuned to her.
Was she? Was she attuned when she kissed Shauna? No. Jackie had asked unfairly. Shauna never said no to her.
I’m sorry.
Her fingers move again, finally. She doesn't let herself think. If she thought, it would take too long to just… do something.
I know. You said.
Shauna replies as though it's a matter of course, soothing over Jackie’s wounded pride, or maybe just her shattered sanity. She didn’t feel fucking sane, she couldn’t think even if she wanted to around Shauna. This wasn’t going as well as Jackie thought it would. She thought that —or assumed, always assumed— Shauna might want to brush over it. Dance on tiptoes around the topic, saying they shouldn’t linger. Just like Jackie has been telling herself, because it was so, so wrong to linger on something that couldn’t matter.
Can I come over?
I’m not at home, plus I’m not driving you. Shauna shut her down in close to a second, but Jackie doesn't want to be shut down. She just wants Shauna.
I'll walk or something. You'll have time to get home. Where are you?
Just don’t. You don’t really want to.
That hurt. Jackie doesn't know what to say in reply —what is there to say? Although, hasn’t Shauna forgiven her?
Stop lying.
And then Shauna is offline, fleeing.
This thing crawls it’s way into her back. She can feel it in her ribs, squeezing her organs to press tighter against their cage. She's filled with this certain dread that Jackie decides is now the second thing she hates most. The first thing would always be that silence.
It's silent now, her room filled only with breathing. Jackie hears it getting shallower, faster, like she can't get the air in properly. Suddenly it feels like she's drowning on land, gasping, curling into herself. The tears are hot when they fall.
Stop lying.
Everything is a fucking lie. Jackie’s feelings, built so carefully. But they are just a fucking a lie. Jackie’s personality, cultivated so neatly. But it's all a fucking lie. This perfect image she made, erected up to shield her from something. What? She doesn't know anymore. It had locked her in, blocking everything, protecting yet hurting. Jackie didn’t see sunlight in that room she made. She saw darkness and everything worse.
Shauna was a crack in the wall. And Jackie, so desperate to see something from what it felt outside —what it could possibly feel like to be free, unconfined, herself— picked at the crack. Bugged it and sat right next to it and scratched it till it bled and broke. Splintered. But Jackie could only see the light flickering through. She never noticed, did she? How hurting Shauna was how she got herself to really live. Shauna encouraged her with Jeff. Shauna joined soccer for her. Left the photography club for her. Pulled instead of pushed all for her.
Stop lying.
Jackie is a horrible person.
She cries the rest of the day. And for the first time, she cries herself to sleep.
——————
Jackie’s eyes hurt. Her bones hurt. Her lungs hurt. She feels like she might throw up, but that’s not a good idea for this early in the morning. When her mind flickers to Shauna picking her up for school, another thing Jackie expected but never really knew if Shauna liked, she’s stumbling to the bathroom and gagging over the toilet. She doesn’t even know Shauna. What does she know about Shauna?
She bites the inside of her cheek when focusing.
She chews her pen in class, but never the inside of her cheek.
She scrunches her nose when she's writing in her journal, and it's the only reason Jackie lets her do it in front of her.
Jackie leaves the bathroom without losing her stomach, but she doesn't go downstairs. She curls up in bed and tries to go back to sleep. A few minutes after she thinks she might actually be shutting down, her father knocks on the door before opening it.
“Sweetie, are you ready for school?”
“I’m not going today.”
There's no reply, but she can feel her father’s eyes, sharp on the back of her head. Disappointed, maybe. Jackie doesn't turn around to check. “I’m sick.”
“Don’t forget to tell Shauna.” He says, even though he’s supposed to hate Shauna. Jackie rolls over onto her back and grabs her phone from her bedside, sending over a text, hoping she sees it.
Don’t pick me up today. I’m sick.
Stop lying.
Jackie’s eyes blur. She blinks, and then it's gone. Shauna hasn’t seen her message yet. Fighting the urge to throw her phone, Jackie puts it on the bedside table again and wraps her arms around her torso, barely managing to get to sleep. It doesn’t seem like she sleeps. Sometimes she’s awake, other times she’s forgotten how the time managed to crawl by without her noticing. When the weird ‘I’m sleeping while awake’ phase passes, it’s the afternoon. Time doesn’t feel very real.
There’s soup on her bedside table next to her phone, which is one of the first things she notices. While Jackie sips it, she checks her messages. Shauna has replied by now, only minutes after she sent it, and it’s not to tell her to stop lying.
Are you alright?
If Jackie replies, Shauna wouldn’t be able to for hours. Instead of warding her off, it feels better when she can say she isn't talking straight to anyone. Then the only person she can possibly hurt is herself. Some kind of ideal situation that is.
Yes, just a cold. I’m fine.
Stop lying, she tells herself, but doesn’t listen. After Jackie shuts her phone off, she finishes her soup and tries to sleep again. Since she isn’t actually sick, it’s hard. Since she isn’t actually sick, she fails. Instead she checks Shauna’s location and imagines what she’d be doing if she was next to her.
This period would be physics, and they’d be sitting beside each other. Shauna would be working while Jackie would be drawing on her book, or worksheet, or maybe her arm. Physics was one of Jackie’s least favourite subjects. Her favourite would have to be child studies, mostly because it was the easiest. Though Shauna wasn’t in it, so actually it wasn’t her favourite. Maybe history was. Shauna was in it and it didn’t take too much effort.
Skipping school when she’s not sick isn't something Jackie does. It's something bad kids do, who like to slack off and smoke, like Natalie, except she just bails on school and her parents. Or was it only one parent? Jackie hasn't really heard Natalie mention her dad. Maybe he’s like Shauna’s.
At one thirty, Jackie assumes it's lunch. She never paid attention to the time, only the bell. If she’d gone to school, her lunch would probably be a quarter of Shauna’s. That’s what they do. Shauna makes her lunch bigger just for Jackie, ever since they'd grown close enough and Jackie started sneaking bits of it. Jackie likes eating what Shauna eats, because it makes them seem even closer. At least, that’s what she believed. Up until now, she never considered the fact that maybe, just maybe, Shauna has never wanted to put in the effort of making that little extra bit of food for Jackie.
Perhaps, since Jackie is away, Shauna has a smaller lunch. Perhaps she’s eaten Jackie’s portion, and relished that things were the way they were supposed to be. Shauna is supposed to be able to eat all of her food, without some kind of leech stealing it away.
This isn’t right. Jackie hates thinking like this, like everything she’s ever done has been judged and resultingly despised. Does Shauna hate her for all the stuff she’s done? Annoying her in physics, taking her own food. Shauna does everything Jackie asks for all the time, and has never ever said anything about not wanting to. But she hadn’t wanted to, had she? Jackie wouldn’t want to. She’s expected Shauna to be the total opposite of her, but she's wrong. Jackie is wrong.
Too different to be the same.
Same feelings and same thoughts. Different opinions and different tastes.
But too similar to be different.
How has she never noticed? They are two sides of the same coin, but one is always face-down in the end. They are the hero and the sidekick, but only one gets the credit. They're supposed to be best friends. And are they not? Is every second that passes with Jackie around a needle in Shauna’s side? That isn’t right. It can't be right. There is no way that's right.
Jackie doesn’t know what she wants right now other than Shauna, and maybe that makes her toxic. Because what Jackie does know is that she isn’t good for Shauna. She doesn’t treat Shauna like she should a normal person. She doesn’t treat anyone like Shauna, she treats them worse. How is she meant to treat someone? Shauna. Shauna, Jackie wants Shauna. She needs Shauna like she needs oxygen to breathe. Nothing matters without Shauna.
Time turns into nothing, barley registering while she drowns in her own head. Once Jackie manages to surface, she feels slow and exhausted. Now, while she snaps her brain into coming back again, she also notes the doorbell going off. She hopes it’s Shauna. If any part of the universe still favours her, it’s Shauna.
It’s Shauna.
Jackie can hear her steps. She recognises them, somehow. That isn't something she thought she could ever do. But she can. Jackie opens her bedroom door in preparation, seeing Shauna just there on the stairs, and has to wrestle with the urge to hug her. It's irrational, but Jackie thought that Shauna might have changed. It's the other way around instead.
“Shauna…” Jackie breathes, scared to say anything more. She feels too close to crying already, everything suddenly catching up.
“Hey,” Shauna smiles meekly, guiltily. “I’m sorry for being so harsh yesterday. School was really boring without you. Is the cold any better?”
“Yes, it is.” Jackie manages, the words still more silent than she’d hope.
“Um, I brought you something anyway. I know people normally don’t have donuts when they’re sick but I thought you might want something sweet. Plus, your parents like, never let you have anything good.” Shauna rambles, passing Jackie a bag. She takes it, staring at Shauna talk. This feels normal. Is that good?
“Thank you.” Silence. “Do you want to sit down?”
With a nod, they both move to sit on Jackie’s bed. She puts the bag aside, a sudden dread catching her off guard. Jackie brings her hand to her chest and plays with the golden heart necklace there, a habit she’d been trying to kick. It never works in the long run. “I’m sorry. I don’t deserve this.”
“A donut?” Shauna asks, but when she hears Jackie start sniffling she turns with alarm. “Whoa, Jax. Are you okay? What happened?”
Jackie hadn’t noticed. She wipes at her eyes, but the dam has broken and they just won’t stop. “Y-you hate me, right? Because you should.”
“Jax, no. What are you talking about? Tell me.” The worry in Shauna’s eyes is something Jackie doesn’t deserve too. It makes her cry just a little harder.
“Aren’t you proud of me for realising I’m a horrible person all by myself? I don’t—” she cuts off with a pathetic sob. “I don’t think you should be friends with me anymore.”
Her composure cracks bit by bit, each word carving a hole into her heart. Every sniff reminding Jackie that she’s so fucking selfish, it’s sickening. She feels just like her necklace. Hollow.
“No.” Shauna says, grabbing onto Jackie’s shoulders and forcing her to look. She does. She used to like Shauna’s big brown eyes, always so innocent. Now it's almost a crime to look into them, because she doesn't deserve the warmth. She still loves Shauna’s eyes, but she hates herself.
“Please,” Jackie begs, still crying, feeling her lungs squeeze. “You deserve so much better than me. I’m not a good friend, Shauna. I’m a terrible friend.”
“Jackie, I don't know what you’re talking about. You're the best friend I've ever had.”
“Stop lying!” She snaps, pushing away from Shauna’s hold. Shauna has to be lying. Jackie sees Shauna’s body tense, and the next time Shauna speaks her words are lower.
“I'm not.”
“How? I just— I don’t get you at all, Shauna. You make me feel more than Jeff does, and he’s my boyfriend. You're my best friend. I’m losing my mind, and you're just always, always the reason why. It makes me act so horrible, Shauna.”
There’s this following silence, the one Jackie hates most in the world, and she wants to run away so badly it hurts. She manages to withstand it for around five seconds before staring at Shauna becomes too much. It’s like her expression has frozen along with all of her muscles. “Say something.”
It's a plea, something Jackie really isn't used to doing. Normally, she wouldn't think to be in the wrong. Usually, she never had to beg to be forgiven. But Shauna wasn't speaking, and it was unnerving. Shauna was staring at Jackie like this wasn’t her room anymore and she’d barged in without warning.
“Shauna, you’re scaring me. If you don’t wanna be—”
“No. No, no. Don’t worry. Can you just say it again?” Her words were tentative, but the shock was clearer.
“You make me act weird.” Jackie admits properly, and when Shauna keeps looking at her with expectant eyes, she continues. “You make me feel more when you look at me this way than when Jeff kisses me. I don’t know why, and it makes me confused and angry and I never treat you right because of it. I’m afraid, Shauna.”
Still, Shauna doesn’t speak. Now Jackie is just embarrassed “Like now. Stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like I just hung the moon and the stars, I don’t know! Aren’t you gonna say anything else?” She takes the fear and makes it anger, just as usual. Her heart isn’t beating normally, and Shauna’s lack of reaction is freaking her out. Why does it feel like she just crossed a line she can’t cross back over? “Is it the same for you? Is this how normal people feel?”
“I don’t think so,” Shauna decides tentatively. Jackie wants to ask ‘why’, which could really be aimed at anything that’s happened so far, but mostly she just wants Shauna to explain. Inside she knows the name to this emotion, but it seems too wrong. She's never been the smartest —is she just wrong?
It feels wrong. She feels wrong. Then why is she allowed to feel this way? Why would her brain let her think this way? Like everything is better with Shauna, even now. Even if she doesn’t know what any of this means, if she doesn’t feel right in the head when Shauna is around. What does friendship feel like? It can’t feel like this. This is not what friendship feels like.
This is what love feels like.
“Me neither.” Jackie says after a while of silence. The words have already sunk in, anchoring her in this emotion. She won’t name it out loud. Can’t name it, not yet, not to Shauna. She doesn’t even know when this happened. For how long she’s felt like this. It became natural, something that blended into the teasing, the jokes. The weekends. Every single day, persistent, this feeling that lifted her heart and made things so much more bearable. And Jackie had never thought to examine it, pay attention to it, acknowledge it.
It spread like wildfire, before help could come. Before someone could save her from falling irrevocably in love with Shauna. Just the thought has her heart squeezing painfully, the fact that something so broken has taken root. Still, knowing what she feels is a needed relief. Maybe things can get better?
Jackie turns towards Shauna, finally looking up from the floor. She injects herself with some kind of stilted confidence and tries to act as normal as she can. “Shauna, um. Thank you. For coming.”
Shauna smiles as though Jackie hasn’t just admitted to feeling differently than she should this very same conversation. Like she hasn’t just realised she loves the person in front of her. “No problem. You’re alright now?”
And then Jackie is leaning forward and kissing her. Pulling Shauna close, because they don't have to push anymore. She's done with pushing.
Chapter 7
Summary:
Enjoy
Chapter Text
Jackie really has lost her mind, Shauna decides. But then she’s kissing Jackie back, leaning in, because maybe she has, too. This one isn’t frantic, nor is it gentle. It’s part-way between hungry and tentative, like they both want it but aren't sure the other does anymore. Shauna deepens it, leaning further, forcing Jackie back. She started this —Shauna is allowed to continue it.
The bed complains underneath them, loud in her ears, but not louder than her heartbeat. ‘You make me feel more than Jeff does,’ Jackie had said. How does she feel now? Is she finally realizing that Jeff isn’t worth her time? That Shauna has everything Jackie needs? She doesn’t care that doing this might entangle them even further. All the hoping that she did, to get away, to stop acting as a pawn in Jackie’s games, was for nothing. Shauna never wants to leave. Not now, not ever. This was enough.
When Shauna breaks away, Jackie is chasing again. She isn't telling her to get out. She's wrapping her arms around Shauna’s neck and pulling her straight back in the deep end. Jackie lets out a little self-satisfied sigh, and just like before, she bites Shauna’s bottom lip. Tugs. Shauna lets out a whimper before she can stop it. The reaction is immediate, Jackie pulling away and staring in surprise. Shauna might have been more embarrassed than she is if her pupils weren’t blown wide. The hazel is barely there, only the frame to a picture.
“Did you like that?” Jackie asks, breathless. Her voice is high, and Shauna can tell the question wasn’t meant to be in that way. It's more curiosity, but god if Shauna isn't burning up inside.
She doesn't know how to reply. Since when did Jackie get to be so perfect at everything? Including this, when she may as well be as clueless as Shauna. She wouldn’t call herself innocent, but Jackie had Jeff so maybe it made sense. But then where did ‘You make me feel more than Jeff does,’ come from? Does Jackie not know what she does to Shauna too?
“Um. Yes?”
“Am I allowed to do it again?” She sounds so hopeful, so different. Wasn’t she just crying about being a terrible friend? Would that finally, finally change?
“Aren’t you sick?” Shauna is grasping at straws, trying for any kind of excuse. If Jackie does that again, she might not make it out of the room. She sits up quickly, hating the creak of the bed but grateful at the way it seems to snap Jackie out of whatever mood she's in. “If I get sick, it’s your fault.”
Jackie suddenly looks sheepish, but all she says while she gets up is, “You have a better immune system than me. You’ll be fine.”
Reluctantly accepting that excuse as to why this was okay, Shauna glances at the bag she had brought over for Jackie. She bought her favourite flavour of donut. It's supposed to be an apology as much as it's because Jackie is sick. For some reason, it's humiliating that Shauna remembers it's cherry, even though it's the flavor Jackie gets every time she has the option.
“I should probably get home. I didn’t tell my mom I was coming to your place.”
“Oh. Sure. Go ahead.”
Unintentionally, the air grows awkward. Is there any way to ignore the fact that they just kissed and clearly enjoyed it? It's certainly different to when pulling away meant deciding not to do it again. Now Jackie can say ‘just one more’ as many times as she wants, and Shauna can't possibly say no. Coming to the conclusion that it's a terrible idea to leave without acknowledging it, she gives Jackie a quick kiss on the cheek. Then she hurries out of the room before Jackie can say anything in reply, because why is this so embarrassing?
Once Shauna gets into her car, she presses her forehead against the wheel. It brings some semblance of normalcy. Finally. Everything has been flipped upside down —this is the only real normal thing about today, even though it's still a relatively new habit. Shauna glances at the back seat, at her journal. It's been sitting there for a while now, waiting. Quite a bit of time has passed since she wrote in it. What better time than now?
She doesn’t have to think. The words come naturally, stroke by stroke, painting a clear picture. Her last entry sits forlornly, the topic too different to be a comfortable comparison of what she writes now.
Jackie,
I don’t understand why you’re allowed to do this to me. I don’t know why my head lets me feel this way. I’m supposed to hate you. I’m supposed to think the same things I did last Friday, but I can’t. You keep me under your thumb so well I don’t ever want to escape. You have me wrapped around your finger so tight I don’t think I ever want to leave.
The only thing I’m right about is the fact that the world does revolve around you. I would do everything, just for you. I hope one day you somehow feel the same way. I hope that’s today. I hope something really has changed. I hope you finally see me. Use my heart however you want. It’s yours.
Shauna.
She stares at the words, only slightly startled at the transparency. Her head is something different. There is no chance she ever hated Jackie. Shauna worships Jackie like she's a goddess. Maybe that's part of the reason Shauna resented her so. No matter how much she tried running, there would always be a prayer on her lips for Jackie’s name.
Putting the book aside as though that might help her pretend she never picked up the pencil again, she drives home in silence. No radio. Despite throwing up her brain on paper, there's still that part where no matter how much she heaved, it won't come out. So she gives up on trying to voice it and keeps that thought inside, mulling it over where nothing can reach except herself.
There is something unhealthy about the way that she thinks. The possessiveness. This urge telling her that Jackie is hers and hers only. Shauna is Jackie’s to hurt. Shauna is Jackie’s to kiss. If anyone else ever comes close to being that for Jackie, Shauna can only do so much to hold back. Jeff is always on thin fucking ice in her book. She even writes about it —hating him even more than she hates Jackie. That is an accomplishment in itself.
Although, she also loves Jackie, so the bar isn't as low as she would have liked. Sometimes the loving weighs out all the hating. Shauna hates a lot of people. Wiskayok isn't huge. She has a lot of opportunities to start hating someone. Once Mari spent a whole day with Jackie, and the only thing Shauna did was shut her mouth, because the big girls were talking about dresses and boys. Shauna hates Mari. Once her maths teacher marked her as absent because of shitty hearing, and she didn’t have the courage to tell her she was there. That was ages ago now, but Shauna hates her maths teacher.
Shauna also hates one of the servers at a coffee shop she’d gone to with Jackie one weekend. He flirted far too much with Jackie, and pretended Shauna wasn’t even there. It took ten minutes for him to shut up and stop trying, and by then they were halfway out the door. So yes, it's easy to hate someone. It's easy to hate Jackie. But it is also easier to love Jackie and hate everyone else just that little bit more.
“Mom?” Shauna calls out once she gets home. She isn’t sure that her mom is still here. Maybe she had a late shift today? There's no reply, so Shauna has to assume that is why. The house sits empty aside from herself, one soul in a cage with no bars. Might as well go back to Jackie’s house, is Shauna’s immediate thought. Then her head reminds her that they kissed and nothing is normal, Jackie isn't normal, so that is a bad idea.
Her phone buzzes, and of course her first hope is that it's Jackie. Instead it's Melissa. Already Shauna forgot she gave Melissa her number.
Will Jackie be coming to school tomorrow?
There's this spark of jealousy catching in Shauna’s gut for no viable reason. She wants to ask ‘why do you care?’ because really, since when has Melissa cared?
Yes. Why?
You just looked really lonely without her, I guess. Next time she’s away you can hang out with me and Gen if you’d like.
That's interesting. Someone Shauna doesn't hate straight away is actually trying to be friends with her. The world has only been Jackie for so long, even though clearly she has the team. Clear, but still uncertain. Maybe something different will be nice? Even if Jackie is an option? After all, she's too dependent on Jackie. Anything to help when Shauna leaves for Brown. The guilt that comes with that notion sends a snap of guilt through her body, quick and sharp. Time is running out. Shauna has to tell eventually.
That would be nice.
She doesn't wait for a reply —doesn't care for one. What is there to say? Great, love you too? Sure. Seems viable.
Having the house empty, Shauna is tempted to blast music like one of those cliches, but she settles on humming to herself. This way everything doesn't seem so hollow, but lived in. By Shauna, mostly. That doesn't matter anymore. She is used to it.
Shauna decides to study. She decides to be productive, instead of being horrifically unproductive. Yes, thinking about Jackie is unproductive. And a terrible idea. So she studies for as long as her head allows. Honestly, her head hates her, because she really doesn't get much done. No matter how much math she stares at, Jackie forces her way in. Claws and fights her way in. Shauna wishes she could hate her, and she would if she didn't know the real person she hates is herself. Maybe she is a machochist. There's too much pleasure that jumps through her bloodstream when Jackie actually cares.
Jackie actually cares.
Jackie cares.
Somehow Shauna can't wrap her head around it. Jackie has never cared. Not enough. Can it finally be enough? Will she be enough? That chance is higher than it ever has been. Things might actually work out. They can try and understand each other, like they haven’t been best friends since preschool. Now they're something unnamed, but Shauna is finally sure they aren't just friends. All the looks and compliments and cuddling, however far it goes back, has to have meant something. It did mean something to Shauna. She thinks it means something to Jackie too.
She really, really hopes so. She hopes things do change, because she’s lost her mind ten times over thinking about Jackie. About the way Jackie always leads her on. Maybe it's an accident. Maybe Jackie doesn't mean it when she holds Shauna at night and wakes up spouting about having the best sleep ever.
The first time Jackie admitted that was a while after she got with Jeff.
Throughout the whole day, Jackie went on and on about going to Jeff’s place to sleep. In class, during breaks, every chance she got. “I think he might like me,” she said. Shauna replied, bored, with: “You’re literally dating him. I’m pretty sure he likes you.”
That same day just before midnight, Shauna was getting a call on her landline, from none other than Jackie herself. She'd been just about to sleep, too, before the call. “Come over to my house, let's have a sleepover.” Jackie demanded.
“Not even a hello? What’s going on? You could have woken my mom up.” Shauna’d kept her tone even, despite feeling closer to a replacement than a best friend. Jeff probably did something wrong, and now Jackie had to fall back on her. So fucking annoying. Jeff could go jump off a damn cliff, for all she cared.
“Your mom sleeps like a rock, Shauna. Just come over.”
There was only a second of silence before she was agreeing. Sometimes Shauna really did hate herself. Why couldn’t she ever say no?
Midnight had passed by the time Shauna parked on Jackie’s street, although the moon was so close to full everything seemed ethereal. Washed in white light, a daytime at night. Shauna wasn’t so tired anymore.
Before she could even touch the door Jackie opened it and ushered her inside, all the way to her room without saying a word. Shauna had the sense to stay quiet, knew Jackie’s parents might have been awake, although there was a low chance. Jackie only spoke once she was under the covers and Shauna had reluctantly joined her.
“Remember last Friday?”
She did remember. “The party?”
“Yeah,” Jackie continued lowly. “And Jeff drove me back to his place.”
“I remember.” Shauna fought the urge to roll her eyes, because where was this coming from? Jackie was just rubbing it in.
“I had a nightmare that night. Like, a really bad one. I don’t really wanna sleep with him again, you know?” Now Jackie was speaking in a murmur, like this was some nasty secret. It really wasn’t.
Again fighting the urge to roll her eyes, Shauna played along. Sometimes Jackie was such a drama queen. “You’ll have to sleep with him every night once you marry him. Plus, it was a nightmare. They don’t happen every night.”
Jackie just rolled towards Shauna and wrapped her arms around her. Cuddled her. It happened every other sleepover, but this time it seemed different. Shauna was right. ”I’ve never had a nightmare with you,” Jackie whispered. She moved a finger slowly over Shauna’s collarbone, in small circles. Shauna fought down a shiver.
“I’m not an option. You need to deal with Jeff.” Why was she telling Jackie to actually sleep with Jeff? Why did this feel so different? Was Jackie okay? This wasn’t normal for her.
It was silent for a while, but Jackie didn’t stop moving her finger. When she spoke again, it was somehow even quieter. “Do you think I’m allowed to have sleepovers with you every night after I marry Jeff?”
“No.” Shauna replied feebly, when ‘yes’ would have been the answer to the only question she really wanted to be asked. She wanted Jackie to ask, ‘am I allowed to pick you over Jeff?’
Nothing was said for so long after that, Shauna thought Jackie might have fallen asleep. There was no movement anymore, no finger dragging on soft skin. She kind of missed it already. That was so stupid though —was she actually serious? Was she that pathetic?
For Jackie, perhaps she was.
She could hear Jackie breathing softly, and wondered if she really was asleep or just really calm. Shauna wasn’t calm. Her heart was pounding way too loudly. Jackie could probably hear it, clear as day. That would be embarrassing. She hoped Jackie couldn’t.
Jackie let out a gentle sigh, her breath tickling Shauna’s skin. So she was awake. The urge to stiffen was almost overwhelming, but then that would be weird. She should be asleep by now. Both of them should.
“I wish you were an option.” Jackie whispered, so quiet Shauna thought she might have imagined it. ‘What?’ She wanted to ask, so badly she nearly let out. What? What did that mean? Did Jackie really just say that? What time was it? Maybe this was a dream. Maybe her head was fucking with her.
It wasn’t a dream.
Somehow Shauna had forgotten all about that night, every little aspect and detail like she hadn’t spent weeks mulling it over afterwards. Really, she never forgot. She buried it. Any hope used to be a death sentence. That was the crux of it —feeling anything too much would just hurt. So she buried it. After everything came back, rotten and mouldy, the feelings were almost too much. Were too much.
How can she be so in love with her best friend?
So in love, the thought of Jackie with Jeff makes her fucking sick. The biggest surprise is the fact that he's still alive. Shauna won't hesitate in flaying his skin and gutting him. If ever given the chance, she's sure that’s exactly what she would do, because no one deserves Jackie, not even her. That's why Shauna has to give all of herself as sacrifice.
Or at least, that’s how things used to be. She does deserve Jackie now. They deserve each other. At this point, Shauna doesn't know how she’ll ever leave for Brown. If Jackie keeps bringing her closer and closer, she might never be able to get away. In all honesty, she might never want to get away.
Ever hating Jackie seems irrelevant now. Nothing is the same anymore. Jackie listens. She seems to feel the exact same something Shauna feels. So immensely overtaking and overwhelming, it drowned Shauna for so long, and it drowned Jackie too. Choked her and forced her to flail. Both responses were different, so different they hadn’t understood.
Shauna suffocated until her body forced her to breathe, even if it was to breathe the icy water of contempt. The surface was so far up. She sank and swam, loathed and loved, hurt and healed. Choked and drowned and died so many times over, the end never seemed to come. It ended today.
Jackie swallowed until it hurt to think, hurt to smile, hurt to live. Every wave brought her back under, tossed and thrown into unknown territory. Jackie didn’t know what she was feeling, didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what she was anymore.
That isn't necessarily an excuse, but Shauna will take it. She can never really hate Jackie anyway, no matter what she does. Maybe that's a bad thing. It doesn't seem like one. That's what Jackie deserves —everything she has to give.
The rest of the day is spent watching TV, trying to study, and contemplating texting Jackie. She doesn't even have to decide, because Jackie texts her first.
I’m bored.
Of course she is. Shauna is bored too. They never really text for the sake of texting though. Normally, they'll just be together. They're always together.
And you want me to entertain you?
If you can.
Jackie is being oddly tame. Trying to be casual but only succeeding in being slightly weird. Because this is weird. It might just be because they don't usually do this. They normally have expressions to work off of, tone. Is she teasing or daring?
It doesn’t work if you put me on the spot. Shauna tries. Why is she nervous right now?
Wanna call? Jackie proposes immediately. Shauna imagines her saying it out loud, all confident and kind of not asking in the first place. More demanding. The Jackie in her head crosses her arms expectantly, tilts her head just like usual, and smiles.
Sure.
Chapter Text
That night, Jackie fell asleep after twelve. As if it was an experiment —would they hang up?— she stayed on the call with Shauna even during dinner. She left her phone in her room while she got her food, and her mom and dad didn’t even seem to mind. It wasn’t like this was the first time she’d ever decided to spend the day locked away with Shauna’s voice. Just the first time in a while. Too long of a while.
Somehow, the conversation had hardly dimmed. There was a surprising amount of topics to cover, almost as if they hadn’t been friends since preschool already. Jeff hadn’t been mentioned once. He was always a side character trying to be important. Now he’d just fallen into even more irrelevancy, because Jackie had Shauna more than ever before. Her attention, her devotion, her love. For some reason Jackie thought she might have always had Shauna’s attention.
As she got ready for school, the only thoughts jumping around in her head were Shauna, Shauna, Shauna, the same old motto that came back every once in a while. Shauna was picking her up today. Shauna was in her classes today. Shauna would drive her home today. Shauna, Shauna, Shauna. At this point, was there even anyone else that mattered?
When Jackie heard the distinct rumble of a car stopping in front of her house, she strode outside with a pep in her step. Slipping into the passenger seat, Shauna cast her a smile. A real, genuine one. Been a bit since she saw that. It made something flutter in her stomach, gentle but no less captivating. That was new.
“Sleep well last night?” Shauna teased, and now the fluttering exploded. Wow.
Shauna definitely didn't go to sleep before her, even if the night was a little hazy with what she might describe as delirium. “For your information, yes. I had an amazing sleep.”
“Yeah. I could kinda tell.” Shauna started driving, and Jackie noticed her cheeks turn red.
“What does that mean?”
“It's embarrassing, but I kinda sorta talked for like five minutes without realising you weren’t awake.” Now the blush was stronger, bigger, and why was it so adorable all of a sudden? Her brain chemistry must have been rearranged while she was sleeping. Or maybe something was in that donut Shauna gave her.
Realising almost too late she hadn't replied yet, Jackie said the first thing she was thinking. Without thinking about it. “That's cute.”
Shauna didn’t verbally reply, but she hunched a little, like if she made herself as small as possible Jackie wouldn’t be able to perceive her blushing. That was also cute. Wow, was her head even screwed on right today?
“I’m gonna take a photo of you,” Jackie declared after a second. It was on her to-do, after all.
That had Shauna looking over, panicked. She mostly kept her eyes on the road, but that didn’t mean she appeared any less alarmed. The red on her cheeks was deeper, accompanied with a lot of flustered eye-glancing. “What —No, Jackie. Don’t. I will literally drive us into a tree.”
Crossing her leg over the other as though she was considering it as an actual trade, Jackie smiled. “Please. You don’t have the guts. I could do anything I wanted right now, and you’d let me.”
“Maybe. But I’d hate you after.” Shauna managed an actual retort, which made Jackie’s grin wider. This was fun. Like, it was actually making her feel happy. Some real, euphoric emotion. That stupid fluttering. Fuck, she was giddy. A bumbling fool, all for Shauna.
“You could never. I’ve got you all figured out, Shipman.”
“I can hear the trees calling to me,” Shauna warned. “They want me to.”
She glanced over, and they locked eyes for what seemed like a thousand seconds but really could only logically be one.
“Okay. I guess no photos then.” Jackie sighed, making sure to exaggerate. Somehow, she was actually a little upset. When would the time come to change her lockscreen? Oh beautiful Dress Shauna, it was Flustered Shauna’s turn. Or at least, it would be. Very soon, if she could help it. She was stepping up the game from here on out. And yes, Jackie was ignoring the fact that people didn’t normally keep their best friend as their lockscreen instead of a boyfriend. That was irrelevant. And honestly completely known already. For so long.
“We should go shopping sometime soon.” Jackie mused, pointedly disregarding a tightening behind her ribs. Jealousy, she could tell. Directed at Natalie, for some god-forsaken reason. What was there to be jealous of? Kissing a girl?
Okay. Yes, she was jealous. Jackie wanted to go partly to make Shauna forget about Natalie, partly to take photos of Shauna trying on clothes, and partly to try on clothes herself. That last one was so truly insignificant in the big picture she nearly laughed. Since when did Shauna trying on a dress, or perhaps a flannel, matter more than her own experimentation with styles? Probably that first picture. Jackie took her phone out just to look at the damn thing sometimes.
She did that now. In front of Shauna, it felt kind of like a crime. Or a secret. She couldn’t tell which one, really. It just looked so good, so pure and perfect and Shauna, she didn’t even try to fight the urge. The picture captured so much emotion. Sometimes it was healthy to look into a memory. Most of the time she did, though, it might have been classified as obsessive. Looking just for the sake of looking. No, she was sane. This was a normal thing people did.
“Maybe.” Shauna agreed slowly, as though she, too, was thinking of the Natalie incident. Jackie looked up from her phone feeling a little warm.
“Saturday or Sunday?” She countered, wanting to plan already. Jeff would probably need some daily tending to, and a weekend was the perfect time to do that. Or Friday, if there was a party. Jackie hoped there was a party. Then she could just ditch Jeff in lieu of sticking with him, from being too drunk to keep up appearances, or some shit. Getting wasted did seem fun right about now.
“Sunday. Lottie’s parents are still gone, so she was planning on hosting another party on Friday. You missed the discussion since you weren’t there yesterday. But yeah, I figured you’d want to go. Save Saturday for regret,” Shauna said casually, even though the mention of yesterday tingled a bit. It would be too soon if yesterday was brought back up in sixty years. ‘You make me act weird,’ she’d said in a panic. It’s just —being embarrassed wasn’t something to consider when it felt as though Shauna was slipping like sand through her fingers.
Yesterday, yesterday. They kissed and made up, just like normal friends do. Jackie lied a bit too much. ‘I don’t think you should be friends with me anymore,’ has got to be the biggest fib she’s ever told. The desperation had just been too much. The cracking open, splitting under pressure, crumbling and collapsing. She also told a bit too much of the truth, to be honest. Shauna really did confuse her. Jackie really did love Shauna more than Jeff.
“Sunday it is, then.” She decided. “What time's the party?”
“Any time after nine. Natalie even said she'd bring weed.”
At that, Jackie’s eyes widened. “For free?”
Shauna shrugged weakly. “I think just cheaper. Are you actually considering it?”
Weighing the pros and cons, the obvious answer was yes. “Only if you are,” she said instead. She told herself it was just because maybe the obvious answer wasn't entirely yes. Really it was probably because Shauna might not have wanted to, and if Jackie said she did want to, then Shauna’s automatic response would most likely be yes. A yes Jackie didn't deserve.
Shauna caught on quick, which was less than ideal. Jackie couldn't be that obvious, right? And now would she be impelled to say yes?
“I mean, I don't really mind.” Shauna admitted after a little segment of silence. Jackie wasn't sure whether to believe her, but she wasn't gonna push it. Already a step in the right direction, getting Shauna’s opinion. She really had been a terrible friend.
“Okay. I’ll bring some money just in case, then.”
————
School passed like it had somewhere to be. Quickly. She leaned on Shauna’s car, where she’d parked in the morning, and waited. Usually Shauna didn’t take so long, so a few alarm bells were ringing, but not enough. Instead of calling, or texting, or something more dramatic, Jackie only checked Shauna’s location. Still on school grounds, stagnant and unmoving for a few minutes now.
Resigning herself to the wait with a small sigh, Jackie stared at the icon, willing it to start moving. What was Shauna even doing? She’d have to ask later in the car. After all, what was there to keep a secret anymore? Going to texts, Jackie fought the urge to message, because she’d always been too damn impatient. Sometimes Shauna got annoyed at it, but only rarely.
Rather she just looked at her contacts, and how long it had been since any one of them had said anything to her. Mari was the second latest —Shauna first, of course— then Misty (who she never replied to, anyway), then Van and Natalie and so on. Last was some girl called Rebecca, who had been kinder when she first joined soccer before giving up on socializing with the seniors.
Mari’s most recent text, despite being second latest, was dated back to a couple days ago. Why did no one talk to her? Shouldn’t they have told her about the party, even if they all hated her? Well, actually, it made sense if they didn’t want her at the party if they all hated her. Whatever.
She looked up periodically, and finally, finally, saw Shauna coming towards the car.
“What took you so long?” Jackie asked when she was within earshot, a tiny bit irritated. She’d been waiting far too long.
“Uh, something came up. It wasn’t a big deal, though.” Shauna tried to side-step a real reply. Jackie wouldn’t let her.
“What happened?”
“Well —you know that girl? Junior varsity, blonde, always wearing some sort of cap?”
Jackie rolled her eyes and tugged the car door handle, prompting Shauna to hurry and unlock it. “Yes, the one I never particularly liked. She looked at me weird once, I told you. Why were you talking with her?”
Shauna unlocked the car and slid in. “She was just asking if I could help her with english a little.”
Jackie got in as well, buckling her seatbelt. “Oh. Well, I hope you said—”
“I said yes.” Shauna cut in, starting the car with a sort of stiffness that couldn’t be normal for this kind of conversation. I mean, she didn’t care.
“That’s… That’s fine,” Jackie started. “She probably needs the help, anyway.” She crossed her legs and chose to ignore the pointed look Shauna sent her way as they pulled out of the school lot. She didn’t care. Why would she care? “You can do whatever you want.”
“I know.” Shauna replied simply, before turning on the radio. She let one of her songs play for a few seconds before switching to a station more suited to Jackie.
The drive continued like that until they got to Jackie’s house, and Shauna stopped the car. Still not speaking, Jackie gathered her stuff and got out. “I might text later.” She warned before closing the car door. It slammed shut, even if she didn’t mean to.
Shauna unrolled the window. “Melissa suggested Thursday after school. You should get a drive from Jeff or something.”
Jackie turned. “Melissa?”
There was the briefest of pauses until Shauna broke it. “The junior blonde. Jesus Jax, you don’t even know her name?”
Jackie frowned and crossed her arms, a silly urge to stomp her foot flaring up. She was very much not appreciating Shauna’s tone. “She's a junior! I don't have to memorise their names.”
“They know you, though.” Shauna pressed, clearly wanting her to admit… something. Maybe the fact that Shauna wasn’t the only person on earth, even though she was definitely the only one that actually mattered.
“I'm the captain. Of course they know me,” Jackie reasoned. Unwilling to talk more with a temper burning, she decided leaving was the best option —not to prove herself right this time. “Bye, Shauna.”
She turned back towards her house without expecting a reply, fully not wanting this conversation to continue. It sounded like Shauna was defending Melissa a little, and in turn, not Jackie.
“Bye.” She heard Shauna say in return, even if it was soft.
After moping in her bed for too long, long enough for the sun to dip and the sky to darken, she got out her phone. After all, she did say she’d text later. Was she ever one to go back on her word? No.
I’m fine if you help Melissa. Jackie tried. This might be throwing herself back in the deep end, but she just wanted to get Shauna to understand. She didn’t care.
I know. Shauna replied quickly, almost as if she was waiting. That was probably just wishful thinking on Jackie’s part.
Okay. Good.
Now she wasn’t entirely sure what to say. Jackie really had just dug a hole for herself. Did it even matter, proving herself right? Surely not anymore. She suddenly felt exposed, but that was unreasonable. What had she said that could expose anything?
“Jackie, dinner!” She heard her father call from downstairs, and it was like the words were saving her from saying something she’d regret. What, though? She didn’t care —of course she didn’t. Shauna could have a life without her.
She wondered who else texted Shauna other than her while she said her goodbye. Probably a lot of people. She's friendly with everyone. Which is annoying, but Jackie has to be satisfied with something. 'Something' being Shauna spending more than half of her time with Jackie and no one else, but still. This small, traitorous part of her just wants more. More of everything Shauna has to give.
Without thinking too hard about it her feet dragged her downstairs. Her body put her on a chair at their circular dinner table, where a casserole sat steaming. Her parents were also there, watching. Already their gazes made her skin prickle, and she fought the urge to hide herself. Maybe it would have been better to call Shauna and stay locked up.
“Did the sickness act up in school today?” Her father said slowly, perhaps to remind her that this wasn't just eating. It was questioning.
“No. School was fun.”
They served themselves. Jackie hardly noticed her hands collecting far less than she really wanted. It was measly, the portion on her plate. She only smiled, and it hurt to pretend.
“How is your little soccer thing going?” Her mother added, waving a single hand frivolously. Jackie felt the action diminish any pride she apparently had left. It was dismissive, like they’d have rather preferred her to be twirling around in ballet shoes than doing something useful in her life. Ballet couldn’t get you anywhere, nowhere she wanted to be. Somehow, the only thing that mattered in soccer was the boys.
“It’s fun.” Jackie replied, carefully eating with the right fork and the right posture and the right smile. Someone might have thought she was being tested for etiquette then and there, but it was worse. Way, way worse. It was as though any wrong move or word might send her plummeting into the ‘wild’ category, because obviously every normal kid had to do whatever this was every night.
There’s a silence stretched thin after that, like the only questions her parents can even come up with are ‘how’s school’ and ‘are you doing well’, as though those aren’t the most basic ones ever. Jackie doesn’t know whether to feel disappointed or grateful. She certainly doesn’t want to be asked how Jeff is doing, although she is quite sure her parents don’t even like Jeff. He may have been the popular sporty jock, but no one was ever going to be good enough for their perfect daughter, were they?
Not so perfect anymore, she assumes with a small thrill. It’s different than the normal existential dread at being someone her parents don’t want. Now she’s just herself. And that self is someone Shauna wants, which somehow feels as important as anything her parents could give her.
This dumb part of her head denies that, conjuring up something she wants that she will never have. Acceptance. Jackie just wants to be someone both she and her parents are proud of, but she hasn’t even accomplished one of those. She is the furthest away from the thing she wishes for most, this cruel joke being played over and over, cracking her composure and whittling away at her hope. Not that she had very much to begin with. It was draining, being perfect. Telling herself that she had no flaws, when in reality she was the most flawed person she’d ever met.
Jackie swallows the last of her dinner, still unsatisfied with the amount. At night she’d just come back down and have more, when her parents are asleep and can’t judge her. It feels like a crime, but it’s one she’d committed many times. Perfect is so far away now it would be impossible to catch up.
Excusing herself, Jackie hurries back to her room. It’s tempting to text Shauna, just because of how annoyed she is right now, but she presumes that might not work at calming herself down. Shauna has always been a source of comfort, someone to lean on when she can’t hold herself up, but Jackie had never considered how she would be weighing Shauna down too. That’s what she was. Not perfect. A burden.
Still, she decides leaning a little might not hurt that badly right now.
What are you gonna teach Melissa?
Expecting Shauna to answer quickly like last time, she imagines the girl sitting up in bed and grabbing her phone, checking what the notification was for. Jackie’s got to admit the question is quite embarrassing. Maybe she did care. A lot. Okay, yeah, she did care. She is seriously considering going with them, just to be sure it isn't Shauna and Melissa alone together. Even if that means she has to sit through the boring learning part.
As expected, a reply does come quickly.
I don't know, I'll have her tell me what she's struggling with.
There goes Shauna, being her logical and smart and frankly amazing self. Of course she isn't going to go in and pretend she knows what Melissa needs to learn. She's going to ask. Jackie hadn't thought of that.
You would be a good tutor. Jackie wants to take the statement back when it registers that tutoring would mean weekly sessions. If Melissa had a day every week where she owned Shauna’s time for an hour or two, Jackie thinks she might just get a gun and shoot herself. Or maybe shoot Melissa and then herself.
I haven't done any of the tutoring part yet. Shauna's reply is cute —going along with her joke, some teasing— but now Jackie wants to crawl out of her skin because she cannot let Melissa turn into a weekly thing.
You aren't ACTUALLY tutoring her, are you? It's just like an hour or two total? She blatantly ignores the way each word on her screen looks clearly like jealousy. It was probably too much to hope Shauna ignored it too.
Don't tell me you're jealous. Jackie doesn't reply to the accusation, just waiting for Shauna to say more. Unwilling to dip so low as to actually admit it. Shauna can guess, and she can assume, but never truly know. Even if all the signs point towards it. Obviously I'm not going to tutor her, she’d have to pay me. This is just a favour.
And when she does start paying you?
She’d pay a real tutor. Shauna-on-Jackie’s-screen was logical and calm to express that, but what Jackie was really worried about was Shauna-in-real-life. She was probably laughing. Or maybe thinking Jackie was too overbearing. Or that spending time with Melissa would be better, because she wouldn't be like this. Or all these horrible, horrible alternatives that Jackie would rather admit to being jealous than think about.
Maybe I should come with. She proposes a compromise rather than cancelling the thing altogether.
Jackie, if you want to come and sit through hours of work you already know because you learnt it all last year, be my guest.
Her fingers aren’t moving to reply. Shauna continues.
But I know you don't want to, so I'm not even gonna ask Melissa if it's alright if you did come.
Instead of anger at being shut down so quickly and efficiently, Jackie just feels her heart beat a little more erratically. She rereads the two messages more times than she should before actually replying.
I guess. Jackie knows it's quite pathetic to reply like that in the grand scheme of things, but she finds she doesn't truly care. Not as much as she cared about the idea of Shauna and Melissa. For so long nobody had even dared to try cozying up with Shauna, because Jackie should be the only one, ever.
So you're fine with me going then? Shauna pushes. Jackie recalls already stating that she was fine with it, but Shauna must have found out it was a lie really quickly. It if hadn’t been immediately obvious, it was now.
Yeah. She replies, and it’s not entirely a lie anymore.
Good.
Shauna says it like Jackie’s opinion actually mattered, like only now she can be happy about running off with Melissa for the day. Jackie doesn’t particularly like that visual, but it’s stuck in her head even as she shuts her eyes for sleep.
Notes:
Sorry I haven't updated in so long. Fell down some stairs today and now I feel like I have to honour the ao3 gods so it doesn't happen again.
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