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Love is patient, love is kind.
It was all Levi could think of, sitting there, his jaw clenched shut with his teeth grinding together. He knew the words by heart, he’d said them after all, some months ago now, but never had they resonated within him as much as they did in that moment.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
Levi had never been one to envy, jealousy was not something he knew. He knew rage, knew anger, the twisting and snarling in his chest when he saw people taking for granted the things he had spent most of his life fighting desperately for, the simple things; food, water, clean air, sunlight.
It does not envy—
Because envy was ugly. It destroyed, it was pointless, useless. Envy was— apparently entirely impossible to rid oneself of once it had been let in, as Levi was finding out, sitting in his seat quietly, despairing, eyes straying to where Erwin was sitting next to another guest.
She was beautiful.
In the soft glow of the flickering overhead lights, dim chandeliers and candles lit on the tables, her hair carried a sort of burnished golden hue, rich and deep, her loose curls gently framing the fine, elegant lines of her face, her soft and gentle features. Her eyes crinkled when she smiled, her lips were petal shaped and adorned with red lipstick, a shade of such passion that it would have had anyone swaying closer unwittingly. Her simple yet elegant clothes only served to highlight her looks, a very classic depiction of a beauty come to life. It wouldn’t have been wrong to call her the most beautiful woman Levi had ever seen. Most beautiful person, even, were it not for the man seated at her side.
They were a striking pair, he had to admit, and he knew he was not the only one to think so, the only one to notice the two of them like this, for he couldn’t help but see the other officers glancing at them every now and again, eyes wide and lips parted around hushed gossip.
With great difficulty Levi managed to tear his eyes away from them, his gaze lowering back to the plate set out in front of him, belly swirling with distant nausea as he stabbed the food with his fork, enduring a few more unenthusiastic bites for the sake of politeness if nothing else.
He was scowling, he knew, could feel the way his lips tugged down but he kept his eyes low, not daring to look in Erwin’s direction anymore, fearing he’d see that pitiful worry reflecting in his blue eyes as he looked at him, even more fearful that he wouldn’t find him looking at him at all.
The nausea flared up again at the thought of it and Levi set his utensils down with a clink, staring down at his own lap instead, his long fancy officer’s coat covering the straps of his gear, the distant and dull ache of bruises on his legs and hips helping to keep him grounded as he struggled to keep his fingers from fidgeting and his food from coming back up.
Luckily it seemed most of the other officers gathered around the table were caught up in conversation, the novelty of meat on their plates keeping even the quieter ones occupied, the noise of chatter filling the air and it made it easy for Levi to stay unnoticed and to not be bothered, well, at least for the most part.
”You okay?” Hanji leaned in towards him, mouth open as they chewed and swallowed.
Levi grimaced in disgust, telling himself it was because of their poor table manners, and not something else.
”I’m fine.”
—
Later, after the dinner had ended and the others had retired to smoke their cigars and converse under the heavy smoke of them and the rest remained in the dimly lit ballroom as the servants cleared away their plates, Levi instead quietly took his leave once Hanji was occupied talking to Moblit on their other side and as such wouldn’t notice his absence until he had already gone.
He slipped from the room silently, only pausing briefly at the door to steal one last glance at Erwin as he stood up, laughing heartily at something someone had said, his gaze then turning to the woman at his side, their arms brushing against each other as they stood there, surrounded by the most high ranking officers of the entire military.
The door closed with a quiet click and out in the cold hall, desolate and alone, Levi took a moment to lean against the heavy wooden doors, the golden handle digging into his back, letting his head thump against the solidity of them, eyes looking up at the dusty ceiling.
For the first time that evening, Levi felt as though he could breathe freely, his eyes closing in bliss as the tranquility of the quiet solitude enveloped him steadily, though he was still warring with the turmoil stubbornly lodging itself deep in his chest cavity.
The air inside was stale and still Levi took in many deep and greedy lungfuls of it, the weight on his shoulders loosening but only slightly and at length he pushed himself off, aware that anyone might walk through the door at any time, and made his way down the hallway and outside into fresh air, only the steady thump of his own two feet keeping him company so late into the night.
As the cool outside air hit him, it left him feeling much calmer and also a little stupid and foolish for his visceral reaction, though he was equally as unwilling to prod at the tangled up and sore feelings the sight of Erwin and the woman together had evoked in him.
Levi knew he was being ridiculous, could feel the wedding band as it dug into the skin of his left ring finger, a testament of Erwin’s love and devotion for him, not to mention the marks his lips and teeth had left on the inside of his thighs, the shape of his palm Levi could still feel stinging on his ass as he walked, all reminders of Erwin’s affections and lust. Discovering the depths of passion and desire Erwin felt for him had been earth-shattering for Levi, only marginally less so than the realization that he loved Levi at all in the first place.
It was still a novelty to snap awake from his nightmares only to have Erwin there, tugging him closer and back to his side, falling back asleep with the steady thump of Erwin’s heartbeat against his ear, the heat of him pressing up all along Levi’s much smaller frame.
The knowledge of Erwin’s steadfast certainty had Levi feeling even stupider now for the anxious swirl of emotions inside of him, his earlier thoughts now filling him with shame and even pity for himself. He could doubt himself all he wanted, but he had never had any reason to doubt Erwin, not even once.
Levi had vowed to follow Erwin even into hell, had vowed to never regret choosing him or being his. His devotion for Erwin, his love and belief in him were the only constants in his life, the solid rock under his feet as he made his way through every challenge and loss. He had chosen Erwin and for some god-forsaken reason Erwin had chosen him right back, selected Levi to stand by his side not only in battle but also in love.
And for the past few months that they no longer had had to sneak around in secrecy or to hide their relationship from the other members of the regiment, they had almost settled into a kind of routine. A routine that frankly, Levi had at first welcomed a change of pace into that the annual officers’ dinner had provided. They had been to several of those over the years, but as Erwin had excitedly recounted for Levi one night when they had laid together in bed, exhausted from their bout of earlier activities, spent and Levi considerably bruised, this would’ve been their first time attending the dinner as an official couple.
The hope of mankind and his strongest soldier. The thought of it had pleased Levi greatly, a possessiveness curling inside of him that had had him kissing Erwin with great passion right then and there, glad to be owned by him, to be considered his in every way a person could be.
Such feelings had all but disappeared when they had set foot in the dining room, Erwin swept away by the idiots at high command and some old friends of his from Military Police. Levi had been left to converse with some lower ranking team leaders, though had soon found solace as Rico from the Garrison had settled by his side, a friendly non-friend that she was, the two of them standing silently and not exchanging a word as the others blabbered on around them.
Come dinner time, Erwin had still not found his way back to him, instead sitting beside an old friend of his, Nile Dawk, Levi remembered, and his wife Marie.
Throughout the whole night, Erwin had looked so natural there, surrounded by these people, with her at his side, smiling sweetly with a glass of drink in her manicured hand, brushing up against him every now and again, jewelry clinking as her body moved in laughter, elegant waves of golden hair cascading down her back. And him, in his neatly pressed military overcoat, decorated officer that he was, hair nicely parted and face cleanly shaved, a polite smile on his lips as he easily conversed, making his awful jokes that usually only made Levi alone laugh, loathe as he was to admit it.
And he hadn’t needed Levi there at all, with his bad temper and shitty attitude, all scowls and surly looks, short and muscular instead of tall and lean, all sharp angles instead of round softness.
He hadn’t needed Levi there at all.
—
Levi pushed open the door to their home quietly, it was late and he wasn’t sure if Erwin was back yet, or if he was maybe sleeping already. But as soon as he stepped inside he was greeted by the warm candlelight and the sight of Erwin in the middle of the kitchen, undoing his cufflinks.
He looked up as Levi entered, toeing off his boots and leaving them by the door beside Erwin’s. Seeing their shoes lined up all neat like that, together side by side always managed to make Levi smile a little.
”You’re back,” Erwin said, eyebrows raised as he took in the way Levi looked, always seeing him, cataloguing everything in that clever mind of his, ”you left so early, I thought you would’ve been here before me.”
”No I was… just walking around, talking with some of the other team leaders,” he said, which was only partly a lie, and closed the door behind him with a thud, leaning against it briefly before pushing himself off.
”Oh.” Erwin set aside one pair of cufflinks and began working on the other. Before he could do much more than that, Levi was there, doing it for him. It had become a part of their routine, this undressing of each other, it was especially something Levi loved doing for Erwin, a way for both of them to unwind after the long and tiring days they often had.
His fingers worked quickly, undoing the cufflinks, setting them aside before moving on to the rest of the buttons on Erwin’s white dress shirt, one of the better ones that he wore to these official events, still only a little wrinkled after the day’s events, the shirt having been neatly pressed and ironed by Levi himself that morning.
So fucking domestic, he thought to himself almost ruefully, the thorns and brambles taking root in his chest tightening with a possessive flare, curling deep in his belly and going along with the urge, Levi raised himself up on his tiptoes, roughly pulling Erwin down to meet him by the lapels of his shirt, crashing their lips together.
Erwin moved quickly, determined as always, too good at reading Levi for the other to be able to ever fully catch him off guard, immediately deepening the kiss, lips insistent and hot, licking into Levi’s mouth as soon as the other parted it open on a small moan.
Levi let go of Erwin briefly only to wrap his arms around his neck, pulling him down with him though Erwin wasn’t having it, Levi could feel his smug smile against his lips before the other grabbed Levi by the backs of his thighs, lifting him up against him with dizzying ease, leaving Levi breathless and groaning into their next kiss.
Erwin moved the two of them, crashing them against a wall for some balance as Levi began to grind against him, small hitching motions, desperate for friction, one of his hands now tangled in the blond hairs at the nape of Erwin’s neck, tugging and pulling, loathe to let Erwin get away from him at all, even to breathe. Levi felt so desperate to have Erwin near him like this, that if they stopped kissing for even a moment, he was sure he’d wither away into nothing.
”Levi—” Erwin tried, even attempted to push the two of them away from the wall and towards the bedroom but Levi was not having it, instead pulling Erwin closer still, wrapping his legs entirely around his waist, his heels digging into his back as he demanded Erwin to be pressed up against him completely.
”Nngh, here, I want you here—” he all but pleaded, ankles crossed against Erwin’s back, the taller man fumbling through ridding Levi of his clothes while Levi in his desperation made it as challenging for him as possible, unable to let them even part for air let alone enough to give Erwin any room to work.
At length Erwin managed to pull enough of Levi’s pants out of the way and open his own, Levi’s body in turn always easy and soft for Erwin’s touch, his fingers working him open easily, Levi panting his moans and whimpers right into Erwin’s greedy lungs, the other as if drunk on them alone, eyes dark and hazy whenever he had a brief moment of respite from Levi’s insistent lips to gaze down at the place where his fingers were repeatedly entering Levi’s body, transfixed, almost enchanted by the sight of it.
”Ah, c’mon, just fuck me already, blondie—” Levi demanded, digging his heels again into Erwin’s back to urge the other to get on with it already, bereft as soon as Erwin pulled away from him to gaze down at the sight of him instead, his shirt haphazardly opened here and there, cravat askew and hair messed up with his skin glistening with sweat that dripped down his chest, eyes lidded and needy, lips parting around desperate pants.
”Kiss me again,” he all but begged, watching Erwin guiding himself towards Levi’s body, going a little cross-eyed as he followed Erwin’s path, letting his head thump against the wall at the first feel of Erwin’s tip inside of him, moaning unabashedly as the rest was pushed in without any mercy at all.
As soon as Erwin’s hips slammed against his, he was kissing Levi again as commanded, not minding yielding to the other in this, his large hands cupping Levi’s ass and thighs as he began moving inside of him, thrusting roughly just as Levi had wanted.
”Ngh, deeper, Erwin—!”
And Erwin complied, lifting Levi up higher, as if he weighed absolutely nothing at all, easily shifting their positions so he could hit even deeper inside of the other, taking him fast and hard, matching the desperation in both of them.
They had always fit together so seamlessly, Erwin with his need to take, to have and to keep matched only by Levi’s need to be taken, to yield, to be kept, something he had never experienced with anyone else before, never so badly as he did with Erwin, wanting the other to have him and to possess him, no matter how selfish such a want was.
Levi’s hips were hitching forward helplessly as Erwin freed his other hand and used it to stroke Levi and the other was unable to do much else but tremble and tremble, a delicious heat licking up his spine as they moved together, Erwin’s deep thrusts and agonizing strokes of his hand guiding Levi closer and closer to the edge, everything feeling so good that he was, for a brief moment, able to forget all about his earlier worries and shameful thoughts.
”I said deeper, ’win—”
Erwin grunted, slapping Levi’s ass roughly, once, twice, leaving the other whimpering. ”Watch the attitude, Levi, and don’t make me say it again.”
”Ah, ah, nngh, ’kay—”
”What was that?”
Levi let his head thump against the wall, revealing the long, pale expanse of his neck to Erwin’s greedy eyes, his lips unerringly pressing against Levi’s pulse point, sucking and nipping on it as if it had had some red bullseye painted on it.
”Oh-okay!”
”Okay, what?”
Levi still had the presence of mind to roll his eyes, only doing so knowing that Erwin had his own set elsewhere and couldn’t see him.
”Okay, coh-commander,” he managed in the end, knowing from plentiful experience that it was what Erwin was after.
”Good boy, Levi,” Erwin praised him and it was enough to send Levi shivering over the edge, gasping as he came, then all but howling as Erwin fucked him even rougher, chasing his own end as Levi’s body trembled around him before coming apart himself, shaking as he pressed himself as deep inside Levi as he could, cumming deep inside of his warm body, Levi sighing at the feel of it, pleased and satiated.
”Hah,” Erwin exhaled, pressing sweet kisses along Levi’s temple, cheek and the jut of his chin, tender, anywhere at all that he could reach him, nuzzling him as he did.
”I almost want to ask what brought this on,” Erwin continued after a moment more of heated silence passed between them, gathering Levi more securely in his arms, making a beeline for their bathroom, knowing Levi would never let him hear the end of it if he laid him on their bed all sweaty like that.
”Just… had some time to think,” Levi mumbled, head resting on Erwin’s shoulder, lips pressed to his neck.
”About?”
Levi inhaled, deep, then exhaled. ”About you, us. ’S nothing.”
Erwin hummed, clearly not finding his answer entirely satisfactory but deciding in the end to not press the matter. After all, he knew if prodded too much, Levi would lash out like a caged animal with its teeth bared and then he’d have a much bigger problem on his hands. All these years of knowing each other, Erwin knew it was sometimes best to give Levi the space to gather his thoughts, knowing the other would come to him eventually.
”Okay,” he said, pressing a tender kiss to Levi’s hair, ”if you say so.”
It was only as they were freshly washed and settled into bed, Levi’s head pillowed on Erwin’s chest, leg thrown around him, Erwin’s arms pulling him closer that the other was reminded of his earlier thoughts.
”Oh, by the way,” Erwin began, ”Marie and Nile invited us for dinner this week.”
Levi stiffened though only slightly, working to relax himself immediately before Erwin could notice something was off, his eyes wide as he felt the ugly, nasty something slithering around his chest once more.
”… alright,” he didn’t manage to say much more, not trusting the evenness of his own voice.
—
And so later that week found Levi standing in fucking Nile and Marie’s living room with a glass of non-alcoholic drink in his hand, the other crossed across his stomach as the familiar, nasty nausea awakened again, thorns and brambles slithering inside of his chest, winding themselves around his ribs and lungs, squeezeing at his heart every time he was forced to witness Erwin smiling, laughing at something Marie had said, letting their children climb all over him.
Right then he was watching Erwin holding a toddler with light brown hair and it— it stung, it— It ached Levi to see it, ached so badly, hurt in places he didn’t even know he could ache before.
He hadn’t managed to utter five whole words the entire time they’d been there, Nile not liking him even on the best of days and as such, apparently, Marie was equally as willing to leave Levi to his own devices, standing there in his uniform, him and Erwin having been at work before then.
Erwin would try to valiantly include Levi in their conversation, though the smaller man was scarcely able to do much else besides hum and nod here and there, giving short answers if he was directly asked anything at all.
Once again it all left him feeling as though— as though Erwin didn’t need him there at all, would perhaps be better off without him, with someone else even. Maybe Levi was never meant to occupy this space in his life, he should’ve just been happy being his second-in-command, his right hand, humanity’s strongest.
It does not envy, it does not—
Levi took another sip of his drink, watching as Marie grabbed Erwin’s arm, running her hand up and down the length of it, Levi standing there beside him, utterly invisible.
But then Erwin laughed and Levi felt settled again, like he was the whole axis Levi was spinning on, as if things like gravity didn’t matter at all. Instead it was Erwin that tethered him to the ground, like Levi couldn’t exist at all without Erwin by his side.
And he tugged Levi close to him, hugging him from behind, wrapping him up in a hug with his arms wound around Levi’s waist, pulling him nearer still and against his chest.
Levi blushed furiously, never one for public displays of affection, but before he could protest or to push Erwin away, the other man gently grabbed his left hand, touch soft, almost reverent, bringing it up slightly, tracing his fingers over the wedding band on Levi’s finger.
The action left Levi utterly breathless and he didn’t have the heart to deny Erwin of this quiet joy, so he stayed put, saying nothing and letting the other gaze lovingly down at his hand, as if they had only just gotten married and not several months ago.
It was only as Erwin freed his other hand, keeping the other one still wrapped around Levi’s waist, bending down to pick up one of the smaller children, settling him against his hip, gazing down at Levi as if he was holding one of his own.
The sharp brambles wrapped around his ribs and lungs gave way with a sharp twist, replaced by a sickening sense of clarity and Levi was left missing the angry jealousy they had been shrouded under before.
It does not envy.
Levi clenched his eyes shut, sighing. Shit. If only that was the problem.
—
He could feel Erwin’s gaze on his back like a living thing as he opened the door to his house, their home, the soft skin at the nape of his neck prickling with the heavy weight of it as they stepped inside. Erwin followed him silently, like a shadow falling over him, not letting him out of his sight. Levi knew he suspected, clever as he was.
He had not let his focus shift from Levi for the entire evening, watching, assessing, thinking, seeing, understanding. Levi had always been utterly unable to hide things from him and his smart mind, his intelligence a feature that Levi had cursed just as often as he had silently cheered for it. Amazed he was by it, even now.
Not that long ago Levi had been all but begging for Erwin to look at him and see him, to speak aloud the things hanging between them that Levi would have never been able to voice on his own, but now under his steady and determined eyes, Levi was instead left wishing for once that that attention was shifted elsewhere.
Around them the house was undisturbed, clean still from Levi’s earlier efforts, neat and tidy, no need for servants or help of any kind anymore since Levi had taken residence, even before that, so often had he walked a tired and overworked Erwin home.
”Levi.”
His voice was deep, steady and calm, normally a balm to Levi’s aching soul but now he took a step away from him, as if to increase the distance between them in a helpless bid to avoid confrontation. He knew there was no escaping the conversation now, but he wished for such an opportunity anyway.
”Erwin,” he said, the steadiness of his voice surprising even himself, ”have you ever been jealous?”
And Erwin looked at him, searching for words, watching him like he was a flight risk, as if in the span of a single blink Levi might disappear from in front of him entirely. The silence stretched between them as he looked at him, dread filling Levi to the point that he felt the sudden urge to pull his own teeth out just to have something to do.
”Why do you ask?”
Levi had his back turned to him, eyes wide like two open wounds as he stared down at his own two feet.
”I thought I was jealous, when I saw you with Marie.”
”But you were not.”
It wasn’t a question and the certainty in Erwin’s words was igniting a spark of irritation in Levi, annoyed at being seen and understood so easily, when it had taken him several days to grasp at the truth of his own feelings.
”No,” he agreed quietly, taking a few unsteady steps towards the couch sitting in the living room of the house. ”Sit,” he said, gesturing at it, ”I’ll undo your gear.”
Erwin’s eyes followed him as he moved to the living room, then without another word he followed after him, sounds of rustling fabric as he took off his coat and tie, settling the jewel on a nearby table with a soft clang before sitting down. Levi struggled to swallow the lump in his throat, detesting conversations like this with his whole being, but there was no way to turn back anymore.
Well, Levi thought, in for a penny, in for a pound.
He didn’t look at Erwin as he knelt before him, deft fingers reaching out to first pull off his boots, one after the other, settling them down carefully beside him on the floor, then slowly beginning to undo his straps, one buckle at a time, taking care not to mess up the fine leather, carefully unwinding them from where they wound around Erwin’s calves and up his thighs.
Erwin’s breath trembled as Levi worked, eyes dark and hazy as he watched him, shivers running up and down his body upon every touch. It took great effort on his part to resist the urge to chase those shivers, to pull Levi onto his lap and kiss him and kiss him until they both forgot why they were there to begin with.
At length, as Levi pressed his warm palms flat against Erwin’s thighs, massaging him where the straps of his gear had dug into his skin and flesh, he sighed, eyes still lowered. They’d come this far, he couldn’t back out now.
He swallowed thickly, then cleared his throat. ”You know,” he began, ”before us, I used to imagine what your wife would be like.”
Erwin froze underneath his touch, stiffening and Levi almost wanted to scoff and roll his eyes at him like he always would when Erwin did something amusing. But he wasn’t amused now.
”She would be tall, I think, though not as tall as you, and blonde, maybe a redhead, with warm brown eyes and long, soft hair. She’d have gone to a good school, some fancy one in Mitras, and she’d be a good dresser and have a pretty laugh and a pretty smile and—” Levi scoffed a little. ”And she’d be good at socialising at those dinners, in some glittery dress and she’d speak eloquently and laugh at all the right times… And the others would all compliment the two of you, ask after your health and… ”
His voice faded out, unable to speak the rest of what he’d always imagined for Erwin. An image of him holding Marie’s kids resurfaced in his mind and Levi shook his head to chase it away.
He took a steadying breath, small hands working on Erwin’s calves now, the balls of his feet digging into the backs of his thighs as he sat there on the floor. ”And she’d be beautiful, obviously,” he said, finally glancing up at Erwin, ”she’d have to be the most beautiful woman to exist to be a match for you.”
Erwin’s tone was odd as he spoke, almost sullen. ”You’re my match Levi, you know I have no desire to—”
Swiftly Levi moved away from the floor, settling himself on Erwin’s lap, fingers working on his belt now, pulling it out of its buckle and the loops around Erwin’s waist, the rest of his gear already set aside, hanging from the couch, neat and tidy. His thighs were bracketing Erwin’s and using the other’s confusion to his advantage he wound both of his arms around his neck, pressing a small kiss just below Erwin’s ear as he rested his head on his shoulder.
”Levi, you know I love y—” Erwin tried again, but did not manage before Levi interrupted him.
”Sometimes I wish you didn’t.”
Levi had tried to prepare for the force of Erwin’s reaction but still he was almost thrown off as the other jerked in his arms, Erwin's protest so physical, as if Levi's words had struck something incredibly integral in him, some vital organ, hitting something deeply ingrained, something from his very bones and blood. But Levi was determined and so he held on tight, pushing Erwin back down.
”I love you,” he whispered, quiet and fierce, Erwin falling back against the couch, limp and pliant upon the rare utterance of those three words from Levi, a treat in any case, one that always managed to render Erwin speechless and malleable.
As if as an apology, Levi pressed yet another kiss on Erwin’s neck, on the side where his rabbiting pulse was the strongest. ”But being with me— it’ll never be like that, with us.”
”Like what, Levi?”
Levi was chewing on his lips now, eyes stinging. ”It’ll never elicit acceptance. From anyone, they’ll never— they’ll never see us like that, as an actual couple, no matter what I’m never going to be seen as your… husband.”
”I don’t care what they think—” Erwin protested, fierce, stricken, arms wrapping around Levi to pull him closer still, fingers digging into his skin and clothes.
”Listen to me,” Levi insisted, a little unkindly maybe, ”I wish you didn’t love me so you’d be free to have that, an actual family, a proper wife and kids that all have your blond hair and blue eyes, so you could—”
Levi hated the way his voice broke off, unshed tears in his eyes, stubbornly hanging from his lashes as he blinked. ”So you could have everything I know you’re meant to have. All the things that I can’t ever give you.”
He pulled away a little, curiosity getting the best of him, wanting to see the look in Erwin’s eyes, his body already thrumming with tension and agitation upon being held down by Levi like this. And though Levi wished to hold Erwin back for fear of what his reaction would be, he did not, allowing Erwin to sit up further.
His eyes were haunted, desperation barely reigned in, breathing shivery and much too deep.
Levi watched with apprehension as Erwin sat up straighter, but when he spoke at last, he wasn’t voicing any of the arguments Levi had tried to prepare himself for.
”What did you imagine in your own life then, the one without me in it?”
Levi frowned. ”Do you think I could picture a version of reality that has no you in it?”
”Answer me properly, Levi.”
Levi couldn’t help but chuckle darkly at the use of Erwin’s ’commander voice’ as he always called it, the voice that turned every request into a demand.
”I imagined some things, after joining the Scouts. A wife, maybe, nothing too specific."
In the underground there had never been such thoughts in Levi’s mind, things had been entirely different then. He had been a criminal and criminals didn’t need to think about how others saw them or what they might’ve thought. It was truly only after he had met Erwin, after he had been exposed to the daylight and how that had changed everything he had thought he had known that he started to picture something like that, something like happiness.
Levi had never seriously considered such a thing, though, not for himself. All of his what-ifs and domestic fantasies seemed to revolve around Erwin. The gnawing need in his body to be close to Erwin would’ve driven him to do anything, so long as he was allowed near him.
And he was aware there was no solution to their problem, Erwin neither willing nor capable of letting go of Levi, just as Levi was no more willing or capable of leaving him behind. They were bound together, body and soul, wishing for things to be otherwise was useless, they both knew that. But in Levi’s heart there would always be a wish for Erwin to have something easier, something unburdened by the fear of loss.
Because—
Levi knew he was the strongest. But even being the strongest could not save him, if it ever actually came down to it. It had never been enough to save anyone else from his family, almost all of them dead now.
Even now he was still alive, yet Erwin would still shake apart in the nights, haunted and face buried in Levi’s messy dark hair, breathing him in a little too forcefully, pressing himself closer and closer to Levi. There was a fear in him, a hurt that Levi would not be able to ever take away.
The same fear had yet to lodge itself into Levi, however. Being the strongest came with the certainty that Levi would never leave Erwin’s side, would never let anything happen to him. Erwin would always be safe so long as Levi was there, no matter what. And if… and if something would happen, if Erwin was gone, Levi knew he would not be far behind.
Out of the two of them, Levi knew it would be him that would be gone first, him, the soldier. Him, not Erwin. Never Erwin.
Instead Erwin would get to be the one to collect the widow’s pension, the only who’d have to bear the pain, endure the grief. And Levi would spend his whole life wishing it wouldn’t be so, that Erwin would love someone who’d outlive him instead, for someone else to be left with the greatest pain imaginable.
”Did you imagine where you'd end up then, without me?"
"Where I'd end up?"
"After everything, if I wasn't in it."
'After' of course, being a world where they would have triumphed over the titans, where they'd be free of the constraints of the military, of the society that knew them a certain way, that would always want to be there to judge them, belittle them.
”Well, you’d always be in it,” Levi repeated, knowing there was no way for him anymore to see a life that didn’t have Erwin in it, ”but sure, I imagined some things, maybe I'd have a tea shop or, I don't know, a cleaning business.” Levi thought of some nameless, faceless wife that he could've had, with dark hair like his own and blue eyes, always blue eyes. Blue, like the sky.
Erwin let his hands relax, resting against Levi’s hips. His gaze was fixed somewhere in the near distance, dark in the setting sun of the evening. ”I didn’t.”
Levi frowned. ”What?”
”For me, it was always only this; the scouts, my father’s theories. There was never anything more, never an ’after’.”
Levi’s gasp was loud in the quietude of their house, his hands falling away from around Erwin, instead tracing down his strong chest, feeling the warmth of his body, the thump of his heart, the touch of his fingertips feather-light against him.
”Nothing?”
Erwin shook his head, thumbs tracing circles against the jut of Levi’s hipbones, his gaze still looking elsewhere, into some distant nothingness.
”There was no need for it,” he said, then paused for long enough that Levi began to fidget, trying to better glance down at his face to perhaps decipher what he meant. ”From childhood, after my father— I only ever dreamed of this; going beyond the walls, discovering the secret of the titans. And I’d either accomplish it, or I would die trying.”
At length Erwin looked up at Levi, his blue eyes shining. ”Before, there was never a need for me to imagine a life for myself beyond those things. But after…” His voice faded out and Levi’s breaths hitched as they left him in shivers, fragile like glass.
”… after?”
Erwin tilted his head, reaching up to brush Levi’s hair away from his eyes. ”After I met you.”
”Erwin—” Levi breathed, utterly wrecked, his heartbeat a dull ache as it slammed against the confines of his ribcage.
”After I met you, I could not keep myself from wanting.”
He pulled Levi closer, eyes darkening, fingers digging into his waist, possessive. Old bruises stung as he held Levi close like this, knowing where he had marked him, where it would ache to be touched by him. And Levi let himself be pulled close until they were once again pressed chest to chest, breaths trembling.
”After you, there was always an ’after’ to everything else, too. After this, after that. And there was always you, after everything. Sure, this now, but then you. I was always moving towards you, missing you, doing everything I could, for you.”
Erwin smiled at him, soft and sweet, arms tightening around his waist again.
"If I had you, there was meaning to the things that I did, joining the scouts, being the commander,” he began, "without you, I would've done all of these things, but they would not have mattered, none of it matters anymore, unless I have you. With you here by my side, I could finally start to imagine what life could be like, after."
Levi’s eyes felt hot, stinging again, his rueful smile an ugly twist of his lips. ”You have me,” he whispered, voice betraying him finally.
Erwin hummed, pleased, a tender smile on his lips. ”I have you,” he affirmed, letting his left hand find Levi’s, his fingers tracing along the wedding band there, Erwin’s name carved into the metal of it, a reminder he had called it then, but there would never be a need to remind Levi of this, it was something that was written into his very bones.
"I have you, I couldn't help but let myself have you, Levi, I needed it, needed you, so badly, I don't think you have the slightest idea of what you do to me."
Levi shifted against him, smirking. "I think I have some idea."
With Levi already on his lap like that, it didn’t take much for them to fumble out of their clothing, Levi soon running his hands along Erwin’s bare chest, fingers tracing along the lines of his strong muscles, body leaning forward so he might press kisses along the scars there, healed over little marks of life.
Erwin’s hands were on Levi’s ass as they often were, fingers digging into the flesh of it, pushing Levi’s pants and gear out of the way roughly, uncaringly, knowing Levi was too far gone to care about such minor details.
Levi’s coat was soon on the floor as well, discarded and forgotten, Erwin’s insistent lips pressing against every inch of Levi’s skin, his neck and every bit of chest as it was revealed to Erwin, his fingers working to unbutton his shirt, roughly pushing it away from his body, down his shoulders, his hands spreading wide against Levi’s back, feeling as the muscles shifted there underneath his skin, strong and lithe.
Erwin didn’t have the patience for much more in the end, not after everything that they’d said to each other, and soon he was urging Levi to sit up so he might take himself in hand, holding steady as Levi sat back down, letting himself be utterly impaled on Erwin’s considerable length, panting as his ass pressed against Erwin’s thighs.
And Erwin groaned as he entered Levi, head hitting back against the couch, Levi immediately setting a maddening rhythm that tore at the already frayed remnants of his composure. He felt hollowed out and wrung dry by everything that had happened, feeling as though Levi had reached deep inside of him and pulled him inside out, those dangerous hands of his always doing unspeakable things to Erwin.
He knew they wouldn’t ever have forever, would probably never get to grow old together or to see that after that Erwin dreamed of, but he’d choose Levi anyway, would want to have him in his life anyway, for as long as he could, loving him just like this and being loved by him in turn.
”Kiss me,” Levi demanded and Erwin complied, despite his words he loved Levi’s little attitude, wouldn’t trade it for anything at all.
Their lips were heated and insistent as they moved together, Levi’s fingers running along the expanse of Erwin’s chest, anywhere at all that he could reach, stroking his cheeks, his hair, until Erwin reached out to tangle their fingers together, matching rings glinting in the low light of the room.
Levi shuddered on his lap at the sight of them as they pulled apart, still moving relentlessly, Erwin's other hand now winding itself around his waist, hips thrusting up to meet Levi’s desperate grinding motions.
”Did you ever imagine us like this? Before us?” Erwin demanded to know, suddenly, causing Levi to shudder and gasp above him.
His sterling silver eyes were much darker as he looked down at Erwin, swallowing thickly, looking for words.
”Well?” Erwin insisted, ”did you see us like this, in those dreams of yours?”
Levi nodded, back arching desperately. ”Yuh-yes, yes, Eh-Erwin.”
Erwin lifted Levi’s left hand to his lips, pressing kisses against the back of it, meeting Levi’s gaze head on, his blue eyes so heated, Levi could feel their gaze against his skin like molten iron.
”Did you see yourself with a ring like this?”
This time Levi shook his head ’no’, mouth parting around a gasp.
”No?” Erwin thrust up harshly, ”I don’t believe you, captain Levi.”
Levi shuddered at the use of his title, a rare occurrence for Erwin to use it against him like this. Levi had once claimed he hated it when Erwin called him that in bed, and then Erwin had proceeded to call his bluff quite effectively.
”I know you like to be mine.”
Levi nodded, helpless. ”Shit, Erwin—”
Erwin’s hips were brutal then, as they snapped up to meet Levi’s and the other let him take over the work, feeling weary and wrung out entirely, boneless and electric. Erwin was hitting all the right spots inside of him and it didn’t take him long at all to fall apart like that, spread out on his lap as he was.
Erwin followed him over the edge soon after with a desperate stutter of his hips, groaning deep, emptying himself inside of Levi, pressing kisses on his hand, around his ring.
Looking at him Levi could remember their conversation from those months ago, when Erwin had wanted to make things official.
”Aren’t we just making it harder?” Levi had thought it’d be simpler, to not have something at all than to have it and then lose it.
Erwin understood him perfectly in this, as he did in everything, but had still insisted on it. ”I want you to stay, I want to have you here.”
”… okay, I’ll stay here.”
Even if they didn’t have forever, Erwin had told Levi, after all, to not have any regrets. And so he had chosen Erwin, and he hadn’t let himself regret it, and now this time, he let Erwin choose him as well, and he wouldn’t regret that either.
—