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“Hey.” Trinity jumped when she heard a voice behind her. She’d been in the middle of getting her stuff out of her locker at the end of her shift and turned to find Yolanda standing over her shoulder. The look in her eye was familiar, a glimmer that immediately sent a flare of heat through Trinity’s stomach. “Do you have any plans tonight?”
“No,” Trinity said quickly. She’d made sure to never have plans, especially on weekend evenings like this when she had the following day off, just in case Yolanda sought her out after work. It had made her a bit of an absentee roommate, but Dennis never seemed to mind. If anything, he probably enjoyed having the place to himself on such a regular basis. Just to make Yolanda work for it a little, she asked, “Why?”
Yolanda gave her a small smirk that showed she knew exactly what Trinity was playing at, “I was wondering if you want to come over.” Not a question or a direct invitation, Yolanda had seen Trinity’s game and turned it back on her.
“Yeah,” Trinity said, like she couldn’t already feel herself getting wet at just the prospect, “I guess I can.” Judging by how hot her cheeks felt, she was sure she was doing a pretty bad job at the whole acting nonchalant thing.
“Is there anything you need to do before we leave?” Yolanda asked and Trinity shook her head.
“Nope. I finally found my spare car key so I can just text Dennis to let him know he can take himself home,” Trinity said as she pulled out her phone to do just that. He was upstairs somewhere, on his cardiology rotation now, and she hated to admit that she kind of missed having him around the Pitt.
“Let’s hit it, then,” Yolanda said and Trinity followed her out as she sent off the text.
Once they were in the parking garage, Yolanda walked a little closer, letting her hand brush Trinity’s hip. It was such a small touch, basically nothing compared to what Trinity knew would be coming, but just that small graze made her feel electrified.
It was so stupid, the way she felt about Yolanda. All it took were those brief touches, a hand on her thigh during the drive, a few teasing words and Trinity was ready to do whatever Yolanda asked of her.
Trinity used to be able to manage to play it cool in front of any women she slept with. She wasn’t some kind of female Lothario, but she had moves. She knew how to pick up a woman at a party or a bar and bring her home and show her a good time without being a stumbling, pathetic mess.
But stumbling, pathetic mess seemed to be all she was capable of when it came to Yolanda. They’d been hooking up regularly for a couple of months now and as much as Trinity tried to give as good as she got, Yolanda had managed to suss out all of her weak spots and used them against her to inevitably turn Trinity into a trembling, panting puddle of a person while Yolanda herself seemed nearly unaffected. And Trinity was sure that tonight would be no different.
When they parked by Yolanda’s building, Trinity followed her into the now-familiar lobby, toward the stairs, up one flight and down the hall to Yolanda’s door. By now, Trinity could probably make the walk in her sleep.
Yolanda’s hand had taken hers during the walk, pulling her in until their arms were pressed against each other in a long line. Through the fabric of their jackets, Trinity couldn’t actually feel Yolanda’s body heat, but that made no difference in the way that the gesture warmed her.
“How do you feel about pasta tonight?” Yolanda asked as she opened the door, holding it for Trinity to walk inside first.
Honestly, Trinity didn’t give a single shit about food. All she wanted was to let Yolanda take her to bed and have her way with her. But she knew from experience that Yolanda wouldn’t let that happen because one time Trinity had gotten lightheaded while Yolanda was eating her out against the front door and now she always insisted that Trinity had to eat something first.
“Sounds good,” Trinity said as she took her shoes and coat off, since she knew that arguing would get her exactly nowhere. The one time she’d tried to seduce Yolanda into fucking her without sitting down for a meal first, she’d ended up going to bed with a full stomach and zero orgasms and it wasn’t an experience she wanted to repeat. At least pasta was quick.
“Good,” Yolanda leaned over to kiss her cheek. Leaning into the touch, Trinity tried to turn her head to capture Yolanda’s lips but Yolanda only allowed her a quick peck. “Why don’t you go shower while I get the food started and then we can swap out?”
Trinity nodded and headed down the hall toward Yolanda’s bedroom. Inside the top drawer of the dresser, there was a small pile of clothes that Trinity had left here before and Yolanda had washed and neatly folded. She grabbed a pair of sweatpants along with a tank top and some underwear and headed for the ensuite bathroom.
It always felt like relief to wash the day off of her, to soak in the warmth of the water, the calming scent of the lavender soap that Yolanda preferred.
By the time she’d showered and changed, the electric heat she’d been feeling had settled into something quieter, smoldering, ready to be rekindled at a moment’s notice but more easily put aside for now.
When she walked back into the kitchen, Yolanda turned to her with a grin. “I just put the pasta in and the sauce is simmering,” she said, crossing the kitchen and pressing a kiss to Trinity’s cheek as they passed each other.
The brief interaction was so painfully domestic that it sent a pang of an entirely different kind of longing through Trinity. But she pushed it down, shaking it off as she stood over the stove, making sure that nothing burned while Yolanda was in the shower, scrolling mindlessly through her phone to take her mind off of everything.
As soon as Yolanda returned from her shower, looking incredibly touchable in a pair of old sweatpants and a loose t-shirt with her hair falling around her shoulders in loose, damp curls, she nudged Trinity away from the stove. It always felt wrong, just leaning on the counter and watching while Yolanda cooked for her, so Trinity busied herself with grabbing plates and silverware for them both.
What she really wanted to do was to wrap her arms around Yolanda’s waist, plaster herself along Yolanda’s back. But she wasn’t sure if she could.
They didn’t really do that type of physical touch outside of the bedroom. It was all just those teasing touches, flirting, stoking a flame, the means to an end. And Trinity loved that, she really did. She just would also maybe really like to be held. It was almost embarrassing how badly she wanted to be hugged, to curl into Yolanda’s side, to rest her head in Yolanda’s lap and have those steady fingers run through her hair while they watched tv together.
Dinner was a quiet affair, they took their food to the couch and watched an episode of some cooking competition while sharing what had happened at work that day. By the time they were bringing their dishes back to the kitchen, Trinity was starting to feel impatient again.
Her hands itched to reach out, to touch Yolanda, to drag her to the bedroom. But she waited. She waited for Yolanda to finish cleaning up, to turn to her first, to be the one whose fingers laced through Trinity’s and pulled her down the hall.
When Yolanda’s lips finally met hers, Trinity sighed into the feeling, wrapped her arms around Yolanda’s shoulders and deepened the kiss.
It was a little absurd how quickly Yolanda was able to have her desperate for it, how wet she was just from some kissing and Yolanda’s hands roaming under her shirt. Before long, her shirt was peeled off, tossed aside, and Yolanda’s mouth found her nipples, biting and teasing just the way she knew Trinity liked.
Small moans escaped Trinity’s throat as Yolanda continued her ministrations. “Fuck, you’re always so responsive,” Yolanda muttered against her skin and Trinity just hoped that that was a good thing. She was pretty sure it was a good thing, at least based on the way that Yolanda said it, like it was something she couldn’t quite believe.
Yolanda’s lips moved back upward, across her collarbones, to the crook of her shoulder, sucking in a way that would likely leave a mark. She always seemed to enjoy staking her claim on Trinity’s skin.
“How would you feel about me getting the strap out?” Yolanda asked between pressing kisses to Trinity’s neck.
“You have a strap?” Trinity’s mind raced with the different scenarios that statement could lead to.
Yolanda’s lips continued traveling up the line of Trinity’s neck, “I do. And I would really like to fuck you with it.”
Trinity’s mind went blank with a combination of shock and heady arousal, “You want to fuck me with it?” She blinked, trying to process the suggestion.
Sitting back enough to look into her eyes, Yolanda said, “We don’t have to if you’re not into the idea.” Her hand gently brushed Trinity’s hair back from her face. Trinity looked at her for a long moment, considering, and she found that she couldn’t deny just how much the idea intrigued her.
“I’ve never… been on the receiving end before,” Trinity said, flushing and dropping her gaze. She didn’t know why it felt so embarrassing to admit after everything she and Yolanda had already done in bed together.
“No worries,” Yolanda said lightly, pressing a reassuring kiss to Trinity’s temple. “I’m more than happy to just use my fingers. Or my mouth.”
“I want to,” Trinity said quickly. Her hands clutching at Yolanda’s shoulders. “Really, I do.” It felt too lame to say out loud, but she really, really liked the idea that Yolanda would be her first for something. For this. The thought made her heart race with just how badly she wanted to give this piece of herself to Yolanda. “Just— take it slow?”
The way that Yolanda looked back at her could only be described as tender and that was more than Trinity felt like she could handle right now. “Of course,” Yolanda said, kissing Trinity’s cheek. “Finish getting undressed for me while I get ready.”
Yolanda walked toward her closet, pulling a box off of one of the top shelves while Trinity took off her sweatpants and ruined underwear. She watched as Yolanda removed her own clothes with an almost clinical efficiency before pulling on a simple black harness. Trinity’s mouth went dry and she had to press her thighs together as she watched Yolanda do up the straps on the harness, her hands unwavering, like she’d done this dozens of times before. Sure, Trinity didn’t love thinking about all of the other women who Yolanda had probably fucked before, but competence had always been a turn-on for her.
She continued watching as Yolanda also removed a simple dark purple dildo from the box, not putting it in the harness yet, but leaving it on the bedside table as she returned to where Trinity was waiting for her.
Trinity leaned back against the pillows as Yolanda straddled her lap, her hands cupped Yolanda’s face, pulling her down into a searing kiss. Nipping at Yolanda’s lips, letting her fingers move to twine through Yolanda’s hair, trying to work her up into even half the frenzied state that Trinity found herself in.
One of Yolanda’s hands dropped between Trinity’s legs, her fingertips just barely grazing Trinity’s aching cunt, making Trinity’s hips buck into the touch, seeking any amount of contact.
“So wet for me already,” Yolanda’s tone was nearly crooning as her fingers pressed more firmly against Trinity.
“Fuck,” Trinity gasped as two of Yolanda’s fingers slid into her, meeting almost no resistance.
“There you go,” Yolanda said before her mouth returned to Trinity’s, muffling the noises that Trinity was making.
Yolanda’s hands were steady as always as her fingers fucked into Trinity. It was slow, teasing, and Trinity was trembling with each deliberate stroke, each curl of her fingers. And Trinity had been so desperate for her touch that she could already feel herself spiraling toward an orgasm.
“I don’t want you to come until I’m inside of you,” Yolanda said and Trinity couldn’t suppress the whine that tore from her.
“Fuck— I’m not sure—” Trinity trailed off as Yolanda hit a particularly sensitive spot inside of her.
“You can do it,” Yolanda’s voice had the same casual confidence that it did when she was giving encouragement as Trinity performed a procedure at work. “Just tell me if you need a break.”
“Technically,” Trinity bit out as she tried to quell the pleasure building in her gut, “aren’t you already inside of me?”
“You don’t have to pretend to be a brat,” Yolanda said as she continued finger-fucking Trinity. “I know that you want to be good for me.”
The awful thing was, she wasn’t wrong. Trinity’s cunt clenched helplessly around her fingers at the mere suggestion.
“That’s it, baby,” Yolanda said as Trinity made a high, keening noise. “You don’t have to put on a show for me.”
It was clear just how much Yolanda enjoyed taking people apart with how easily she made Trinity feel flayed open beneath her. Yolanda’s gaze studied her as her hand continued to bring Trinity right to the edge, pausing every time the muscles in Trinity’s stomach began to twitch and her thighs began to tense.
There was no show for Trinity to put on. She was laid bare as Yolanda tracked her every micro-expression, every twitch of her body. It felt almost reckless the way she handed herself over, let Yolanda be in control, trusted that she would make her feel good.
Trust had never come easily for Trinity, but with Yolanda she could never seem to help herself, would happily give over even more if that was something that Yolanda had seemed even remotely interested in.
“Please,” Trinity finally gasped. “I can’t— I need—”
“Alright,” Yolanda agreed easily, sliding her fingers out of Trinity, just slow enough to still tease. “Clean these for me,” she held her fingers up to Trinity’s mouth and Trinity obediently opened her mouth, allowing Yolanda to place her fingers inside.
Yolanda’s gaze was dark, pupils blown as Trinity sucked on her fingers, moaning at the taste of herself. Her tongue ran along the gap between Yolanda’s fingers, making sure that she cleaned every drop.
“You’re always so good for me,” Yolanda said, with something almost like wonder in her voice. And that really was all that Trinity wanted, Yolanda had been so right when she’d said it earlier. That awful, insecure voice that lived deep inside of Trinity’s head was always trying to convince her that maybe if she could just be good enough, could prove herself devoted, Yolanda might think she was worth keeping around.
As Trinity’s mind reeled, Yolanda pulled her fingers back and Trinity had to stop herself from chasing them. She stayed in place as Yolanda got up and grabbed the dildo, fitting it into the harness, unknowingly distracting Trinity with her confident fingers yet again.
Once the toy was in place, Yolanda sat back against the pillows.
“Come here,” she gently tugged Trinity across her lap. Trinity slung a leg over her, thighs straddling Yolanda’s as the dildo pressed against her clit in a way that made Trinity want to grind against it. “You can control the pace. For now,” Yolanda kissed the tip of her nose.
Trinity bit her lip and nodded, grasping Yolanda’s shoulders and rising up on her knees to give Yolanda the space to line the toy up to the entrance of her cunt.
“Fuck,” she gasped as she lowered her hips and the head of the toy pressed inside of her. Even after spending so much time with Yolanda’s fingers warming her up, it was surprising how different the dildo felt, how much thicker it was.
Yolanda’s hands gripped her hips, holding her steady as she continued to sink onto the strap inch by intoxicating inch until it was completely inside of her.
When her hips met Yolandas’ she paused, letting herself adjust to the sensation. She’d used toys on herself before, but it had never felt like this. Her forehead fell forward to rest against Yolanda’s and Yolanda’s hands gripped her waist, thumbs rubbing soothing circles into her skin.
Trinity took a shaky breath. She’d never felt so full before.
“Doing okay?” Yolanda asked, pressing a kiss to Trinity’s cheek. Yolanda continued dropping gentle kisses across Trinity’s face.
“Yeah,” Trinity’s voice cracked as she began to slowly roll her hips. The strap was hitting all of the right spots inside of her, making her thighs tremble as she held herself up. “It’s just— fuck,” she cut herself off as Yolanda’s hips began moving with hers. “‘S a lot.”
“Too much?” Yolanda asked gently, pausing her own movements.
Trinity shook her head, unable to find more words as she ground down onto the strap, “It’s good. I feel— yeah.” Yolanda chuckled lightly as Trinity’s head lolled down, resting against her shoulder.
“Don’t forget to breathe, baby,” Yolanda said. Her lips began trailing down across Trinity’s shoulder.
Trinity just groaned against her. She had already been so worked up, it took hardly any time at all for her to begin to feel the pull of an orgasm in her lower stomach as she continued to ride the strap, Yolanda’s hips matching her movements, driving deeper, and it was too much. The earlier teasing had worked her up enough that she didn’t even need to touch her clit.
“Can I—” she remembered Yolanda’s earlier words and the overwhelming need to be good for her was nearly stronger than the need to come, even as her cunt began to flutter around the toy that was buried inside of her.
“Yeah sweetheart, come for me,” Yolanda’s voice was slightly hoarse, holding a tinge of surprise. Like she hadn’t expected Trinity to remember, to ask for permission.
Trinity’s cunt clenched around the strap as she came, the feeling breaking over her like a warm summer downpour, leaving her slumping bonelessly in Yolanda’s embrace.
As Trinity’s thighs continued to shake, Yolanda helped her up off of the strap, maneuvering them so that Trinity was flat on her back with Yolanda on top of her.
“Good girl,” Yolanda said, leaning down to kiss Trinity. “God, you’re so gorgeous like this. All loose and fucked out just for me.”
And Trinity couldn’t do anything but moan into the kiss and wrap her arms around Yolanda’s back, pulling her closer.
They kissed languidly for a moment as Trinity began to feel her breathing return to a more normal pace. At least as normal as it could get in this situation.
When Yolanda pulled back, she brushed the hair from Trinity’s face, meeting her eyes, “Are you ready to give me another one?”
“What?” Trinity’s brain still felt slow, hazy. She hadn’t been expecting that.
“Oh baby girl, you didn’t think we did all of that prep work for just one orgasm, did you?” The honey-like warmth that was threaded through Yolanda’s teasing tone made her shudder. Yolanda’s hips pressed between hers, the still-soaked strap rubbing against Trinity’s clit, making her gasp.
“Yeah,” she said, cunt suddenly feeling incredibly empty. “Please fuck me.”
“Such good manners,” Yolanda said as she lined herself up and slid back into Trinity.
It felt different this time, having Yolanda hovering over her, fully controlling the pace now as Trinity’s fingers dug into her back and held on for dear life.
Trinity had pretty good strap game, but she knew she had never come close to fucking anyone as effectively as Yolanda was currently fucking her.
Yolanda’s hips fucked relentlessly into her as Yolanda leaned down, mouth capturing each noise that Trinity made. And Trinity could barely manage to kiss her back, she was too overwhelmed. Instead, she just let Yolanda suck on her bottom lip, bite at her top lip, trace Trinity’s tongue with her own as she drove Trinity toward another orgasm at an almost brutal pace.
When Trinity could feel herself at the edge, Yolanda’s hips continually pressing into hers, Yolanda pulled back and murmured, “Go ahead.” Like she was a fucking mindreader. Her hand slid between them, putting the smallest amount of pressure against Trinity’s clit, and that was all the encouragement that Trinity needed to come again, harder this time.
It felt like something had snapped inside of her, the way she broke around Yolanda’s strap, moaning into Yolanda’s mouth in a way that would have been embarrassing if her brain had been working well enough for her to feel anything but the white-hot throes of pleasure.
Yolanda’s movements slowed, easing her down from the high as Trinity continued twitching around the toy.
“What the fuck?” Trinity muttered, trying to dredge any actual thoughts out of the blackhole that her brain had turned into.
Yolanda just smiled down at her and said, “Turn over. I want one more.”
“Fucking hell,” Trinity said, but she listened. Every cell in her body ached to draw this out as long as Yolanda would let her. To sink into the gauzy feeling that had surrounded her mind, dampening all of the worries she normally carried.
“Good, that’s perfect,” Yolanda said as Trinity pushed herself up onto all fours, already desperate to be filled again. “Come whenever you’re ready this time, baby,” Yolanda kissed the back of her neck as her hands gripped Trinity’s hips and Trinity felt the strap slide back inside of her.
Yolanda kept her thrusts slower this time, stoking a low, building flame inside of Trinity without overstimulating her. It felt amazing, she was still sensitive after her earlier orgasms and this was the perfect pace.
“Yeah,” she gasped, pressing her hips back, chasing the feeling. “God, Yolanda, please.”
Her arms never had any hope of holding her up with the way she’d been shaking since before even her first orgasm, and she practically faceplanted into the pillows as Yolanda continued to fuck her.
She felt more than heard Yolanda laugh at that, a puff of breath against the back of her neck as Yolanda pressed her further into the matress.
“You can do it, baby,” Yolanda said as she continued with the same steady pace. “I know you can.”
The noises that escaped Trinity were like nothing she’d ever heard from herself, all desperate and guttural as she pressed her face against the pillows and let Yolanda fuck her. There was nothing left in her to even attempt to continue to be an active participant. All she could manage to do was lay there as Yolanda took her to the edge once again.
One of Yolanda’s hands left her hips, snaking around to circle her clit and Trinity nearly cried as she came a third time. A few tears escaped the corners of her eyes and she was grateful that the pillow absorbed them before they could be noticed.
She didn’t know what to do with this feeling, the pleasure and the warmth. How raw and safe and held she felt. How known. No one had ever undone her so thoroughly.
Her breathing hitched as Yolanda slid out of her, hands so gentle now as she continued murmuring praise into Trinity’s ear before Trinity could feel her move away.
All Trinity could do was lay there, turning her head enough to watch as Yolanda got up to remove the harness.
“How are you doing, baby?” Yolanda asked as she leaned back over Trinity, pressing kisses across her face.
“‘M good,” Trinity turned so that her mouth met Yolanda’s. And even as wrung out as she was, she still wanted . Her hands ran down Yolanda’s sides, one slipping between her legs, feeling how she was practically dripping after spending so long getting Trinity off. “I want you now,” Trinity practically begged and Yolanda inhaled sharply.
“You don’t have to—” but Trinity just tugged her back onto the bed.
“Please, baby,” Trinity normally steered clear of pet names herself, they felt too intimate, but she couldn’t help it as she laid back on the pillows again, pulling at Yolanda’s hips in a way that she hoped made the invitation clear. “Please,” she repeated, staring up at Yolanda, who was gaping back down at her like she couldn’t quite believe Trinity was real.
“Shit, yeah, okay,” Yolanda finally said, moving up the bed until her hips were hovering over Trinity’s mouth, just where she wanted them.
And god, this was almost as good as getting fucked. Trinity pulled Yolanda down, licking up the seam of her dripping cunt, savoring the taste of her on her tongue.
On either side of her head, Yolanda’s thighs tensed and Trinity knew it wouldn’t take long, so she made the most of it. Her tongue fucked into Yolanda, nose brushing against Yolanda’s clit as the other woman moaned above her and ground her hips into the contact.
Trinity could barely breathe, but what a way this would be to go, surrounded by Yolanda.
“That’s so good, sweetheart,” Yolanda was saying above her. “So good.” And the praise made Trinity feel warm in a different way, too strung out for it to turn to arousal the feeling just ballooned in her chest, making her feel almost giddy.
Yolanda came against her mouth with a groan and Trinity drank in as much of her as she could before the weight around her disappeared as Yolanda laid beside of her.
It went without saying how incredible the sex was. Trinity still could barely feel her toes, hadn’t managed to return her breathing to its normal rate, but the way Yolanda pulled her into her arms, letting Trinity rest her head on her chest while continuing to mutter about how well she’d done was almost better than all of that.
If Trinity could melt into this moment and stay here forever, she would. But it always ended too soon with Yolanda manhandling her toward the bathroom to get cleaned up.
Her legs were still wobbly, Yolanda helping hold up her bodyweight in the shower. And maybe Trinity played it up a little, letting herself lean against Yolanda more than necessary, soaking up the feeling of skin on skin as the warm water of the shower enveloped them.
Yolanda’s hands were so soft as she helped Trinity clean up and she kept peppering kisses against Trinity’s skin as she went, making Trinity’s heart skip a beat each time.
Once they were clean, Yolanda parked Trinity on the armchair in the bedroom to wait while she changed the sheets, stuffing the dirty set into the hamper to be dealt with in the morning. Trinity could feel her eyelids getting heavy as she watched the process until Yolanda’s teasing voice broke her out of her trance, “Come on, sleepyhead.”
She allowed Yolanda to pull her out of the chair and over to the bed where she curled on her side, allowing Yolanda to spoon up behind her. It took her no time at all to fall asleep with the warmth of Yolanda’s body so close.
When she woke up in the morning, there was no one beside her.
The mornings were almost always bad. On rare occasions, Trinity would wake up still tangled in Yolanda and they’d have slow, sleepy morning sex that made Trinity feel like she was still dreaming. But normally they drifted apart during the night. Trinity had always been a restless sleeper, so it shouldn’t have been surprising, but she hated how she’d wake up on the other side of the bed, the foot of space between her and Yolanda feeling like an uncrossable chasm. Or worse, on mornings like this she’d wake up fully alone, Yolanda’s side of the bed having gone cold already.
Trinity went through the motions of getting out of bed. She brushed her teeth, found another clean set of clothes, and stole one of Yolanda’s oversized hoodies to wear, hoping that it might make her feel more grounded.
Instead, she just felt hollow. Like someone had scooped out her insides and left her chest empty, aching.
When Trinity walked down the hall, she found Yolanda sitting at the kitchen counter, scrolling through her phone with a steaming mug of coffee in front of her.
“Morning,” she gave Trinity a smile, clearly not feeling any inner turmoil after the level of intimacy they’d shared the night before. “There’s coffee in the pot and you can grab whatever you want for breakfast.”
“‘Kay,” Trinity said, not trusting herself to say much more.
Her hand had an uncontrollable tremor as she grabbed a mug. When it clattered against the counter, she could see Yolanda look up at her.
Ignoring the attention, she concentrated on pouring her coffee without making a mess. It was a close call, but she did alright right up until she grabbed the creamer out of the fridge and Yolanda got up from her seat, crossing the kitchen to stand behind Trinity.
“Your hands are shaking,” Yolanda said, sounding concerned as she reached out to steady Trinity’s hand with her own, guiding her to pour the creamer into her mug without spilling the same way she’d guided her through that fucking fasciotomy during Trinity’s first day.
“I’m fine,” Trinity jerked away from the touch, splashing coffee creamer on the counter. “Fuck, I’m sorry, I just…” she trailed off, waiting for Yolanda to get mad at her for snapping, for making a mess, for being a mess.
But Yolanda didn’t look upset, concern was the only emotion visible on her face, set in the lines that appeared between her eyebrows as she said, “Why don’t you go sit down? I can finish getting breakfast ready.”
Even without any anger behind the words, it felt like a dismissal and Trinity’s stomach sank as she nodded and left for the living room. The sinking sensation in her gut was another reminder of her first day, the feeling she’d had after dropping the scalpel. How spilling some milk on Yolanda’s kitchen counter could conjure the same emotion of dropping a scalpel into Yolanda’s foot, Trinity wasn’t sure, but she felt so incredibly small as she curled into the corner of the couch.
She could feel a hot, swirling sense of shame in her stomach that thickened in her throat as tears stung at the edges of her eyes.
By the time Yolanda set her coffee and a plate of peanut butter toast in front of her, Trinity was having to make an active effort to keep her breathing steady, to not let her breath hitch.
“Thanks,” she forced herself to say as Yolanda dropped a kiss to the top of her head before sitting down with her own breakfast and her ipad, to go through her morning routine of NYT games Trinity knew.
Peanut butter toast was one of her favorites, but it felt like glue in her mouth as she chewed mechanically, trying to force herself to eat. Eating while on the verge of crying was one of her least favorite sensations in the world. The simple action felt so complex when she needed to coordinate remembering to breathe with chewing with being unable to get any air in through her suddenly-clogged nose. Add in the tightness in her throat and the dryness of her mouth and it might as well be an impossible task.
She tried to take a sip of coffee, to wash the food down, but all it did was remind her of why she was upset in the first place. A tear broke through her barely-there control and slipped down her cheek before she could stop it.
Bringing her hand to her face to subtly wipe at it, Trinity tried not to catch Yolanda’s attention, hoping that she’d be too involved in whatever word game she was playing to notice that Trinity was currently experiencing some sort of breakdown at the other end of the couch.
But Trinity was never that lucky.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Yolanda put down her ipad and moved closer, her hand reaching out to rest on Trinity’s knee.
“I’m sorry,” Trinity wiped at her face again as more tears rolled down her cheeks. “I just woke up feeling— weird. I didn’t mean to— I know this isn’t what you signed up for.” She tried to take a deep breath, but it hitched in her throat like a sob.
“Baby, what are you talking about?” She’d never used a pet name for Trinity outside of the bedroom before, and it just made Trinity feel even more off-balance. “What do you mean it’s not what I signed up for?”
“I’m supposed to be fun and chill and not— having some weird nervous breakdown because I’m waiting for you to yell at me for spilling shit on your counter,” Trinity felt an increasing sense of desperation as she tried to explain.
“Why would I ever yell at you for an accident?” Yolanda’s tone was gentle, but clearly confused.
“Because I fucked up,” Trinity’s voice turned shrill. “Because I wasn’t being careful enough. Because I’m sitting on your couch, making you comfort me after you cleaned up my mess, and ruining your Sunday morning. Because every time I wake up here in the morning and I’m not touching you, I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin like some needy, clingy monster who can’t just have a normal friends-with-benefits situation without making it fucking weird.”
For a moment Yolanda just blinked at her, and when she spoke, she just sounded sad, “I had no idea you felt that way.”
Trinity felt something inside of her crumble and she found herself nodding as she continued frantically trying to wipe at her cheeks, “I can just go.”
“What? No,” Yolanda’s hand gripped her knee like she was trying to hold her in place. “I meant that I had no idea you thought we were friends-with-benefits. Why the fuck did you think that?”
How did this keep getting worse? Trinity swallowed thickly and said, “Right. I shouldn’t have assumed we’re friends. What am I doing here?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” now Yolanda sounded like she was getting a little angry. And maybe it just went to show exactly how fucked up Trinity was that she found that encouraging. Anger was familiar, she could work with anger. But she wasn’t expecting Yolanda to go on to say, “We’re dating, Trinity. What the fuck? You’re here at least three nights a week, I cook dinner for you, we go out for drinks sometimes, we’re having some really good sex, and you thought we were friends-with-benefits?”
“Oh,” Trinity said. When it was all laid out like that, she did feel a bit stupid.
“Yeah, oh,” Yolanda seemed to be somewhere between frustration and amusement. After a moment where Trinity could practically see the wheels turning in her head, she said, “Okay, let’s try to work through some of that list of yours.”
Her thumb began tracing small circles against Trinity’s knee. “First of all, I’m not upset at you for spilling milk on the counter. I couldn’t care less about that or having to clean it up or making your breakfast. I like taking care of you. It’s not ruining my morning to bring you breakfast after you let me fuck you senseless last night. Got it?” She stared at Trinity and Trinity finally nodded.
“Got it,” she agreed, her mind reeling as she tried to process.
“Now, why didn’t you say anything about how you’ve been feeling the morning after?” Yolanda asked, voice soft.
“I didn’t want to bother you,” Trinity dropped her eyes to stare down as the fabric of her sweatpants and her voice sounded small even to her own ears.
“You’re never a bother, baby,” Yolanda said and her hand that wasn’t on Trinity’s knee reached over, cupping Trinity’s chin, bringing Trinity’s eyes back to hers. Trinity was taken aback by the amount of warmth she found there. “Okay? The fact that you have needs doesn’t bother me.”
Trinity could only nod.
“It sounds like you’ve been having endorphin drops. We can work through those,” Yolanda said.
And Trinity felt a bit ashamed that she hadn’t figured that out herself since she had a pretty good understanding of the inner workings of the human body. But then again, she’d been raised in a family that would never attribute anything to brain chemistry when you could instead blame yourself for having an emotion in the first place. She said as much to Yolanda, who looked deeply unimpressed.
Trinity wondered how pitiful she must look as Yolanda’s eyes roved over her, but there was no hint of pity on Yolanda’s face, just a soft, unfamiliar expression.
“Come here,” Yolanda held her arms out and Trinity immediately accepted the invitation, burrowing into Yolanda’s side. It was ridiculous how quickly she felt better, just from Yolanda’s arms wrapping around her, holding her close. “You don’t have to hold back if you want to touch me.” Yolanda’s hand trailed along Trinity’s arm.
“What if it’s too much?” Trinity asked miserably, knowing that Yolanda would likely intuit her actual question, which was of course, What if I’m too much?
“I can’t imagine thinking that. I like spending time with you and having you in my space.” Trinity’s heart flipped at that. “But if there’s ever anything you do that makes me uncomfortable, or whatever it is you’re concerned about, we’ll talk about it.”
“Okay,” Trinity said, voice still small and Yolanda leaned over to kiss her forehead.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, just sitting quietly as Trinity collected herself.
“I’m sorry,” she said again, “about… all of that.”
“Stop apologizing,” Yolanda said, arms briefly tightening around Trinity. “Why don’t you eat your breakfast and then we can hang out here for as long as you want?”
Trinity nodded and sat back. Now that she didn’t feel ready to vomit from the force of the emotions she’d been trying to hold back, she actually was pretty hungry.
When Trinity finished eating, she glanced over at Yolanda. It was hard to get over the hesitance, it had become such a habit.
Without looking up, Yolanda held up her arm, another invitation that Trinity immediately took. She moved so that she was laying half-on top of Yolanda with the way Yolanda was sitting against the arm of the couch, her face pressing into Yolanda’s stomach.
Yolanda’s hand dropped to run through her hair before returning to typing at the screen and Trinity could feel herself beginning to drift off despite having just woken up. Apparently having a major relationship-defining conversation before ten in the morning had taken it out of her.
When she woke up, Yolanda hadn’t moved, but the ipad was gone and the tv was playing softly in the background.
“How long was I out?” Trinity asked and Yolanda’s hand brushed against her cheek.
“Less than an hour. Are you feeling better?” Yolanda asked and Trinity nodded.
“Much better,” it was true. She no longer felt that awful shakiness, it was like something in her brain had done a hard reset. “Thanks for letting me nap on you.”
Yolanda’s stomach vibrated beneath her as she laughed, “Any time, baby.” But despite her laughter, Trinity could tell that she meant it.
And the most wild part of it all was that Trinity actually believed her.