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VRUM-dum. VRUM-dum. VRUM-dum.
My heartbeat whirred as it thrummed through my body, too loud, too alien, just not quite right. Every blood cell whispered as they slipped against each other, building to a low rumble as they rushed around inside me. My bones rasped as they turned in their joints, worn from a long day’s work. My skin hummed as it absorbed the unfiltered yellow sun, each cell converting the light to near-infinite energy. In the vacuum of space, all I could hear was the constant sounds of my alien body, just as I had for every moment since I first gained super-hearing and understood how inhuman I truly was.
- - - - - - - - -
I first remember hearing Pa’s heartbeat right after he had his first heart attack. I was 11 years old, standing by his hospital bed with my fists clenched so hard they would crack diamond, but feeling as if the lightest breeze would topple me over. Pa looked at me with that smile that made me feel like he would always be there to save the day, but there were so many tubes, and his face looked so pale, and I had never noticed those little gray hairs forming at his temples.
“Hey, pal.” His voice was raspier than normal. “How was school?” He patted the space on the bed beside him, then held a hand out towards me.
I shuffled forward, carefully relaxing my fingers. I clasped his hand gently, using the same pressure I would use to hold the baby chicks at the farm. I didn’t meet his gaze as I slowly sank onto the bed.
“Martha was just headed home to get me my things.” He continued carefully, as if I were the one who had just had a heart attack. “She wanted to stay, but I told her I couldn’t sleep without my PJs. Can you believe how scratchy these clothes they give you are? It’s downright illegal! You know, I ought to talk to Mayor Bill about it, file a formal complaint-”
“I-I’m sorry-” I blurted out, looking away. Pa paused for a beat, then took my chin and gently turned my face towards his.
“What do you have to be sorry for, son? You didn’t do nothin’ wrong.”
“I-I should have - could have stopped it-” I stammered, feeling my throat tighten as my eyes started to sting.
“Clark,” he said steadily as he squeezed my hand reassuringly. “You may be able to stop a moving car, or save Mrs. Fordman’s cat from a tree every other week, but no super strength or heat-vision could have seen this coming,” he joked.
“Bu - but I - I have X-ray vision,” I reasoned, “I should have seen your heart -”
“You might be smart, Clark, but you ain’t no doctor. Dr. Bryce assured me there was nothing I could have done. I wouldn’t have even known it was a heart attack if I hadn’t been visiting Mrs. Sullivan in the hospital,” he chuckled, “I’m not convinced I even had one!”
Despite my best efforts, I felt my vision beginning to blur, my breath skipping a beat. I quivered there for a second before I collapsed onto Pa’s chest as my tears escaped, darkening his white hospital linens. His rough, farm-worn hands rubbed small circles on my back as I trembled in his embrace.
“Listen to my heart, son,” he said, his words rumbling against my ear. I stilled, trying to focus through my tears.
Bah-dum. Bah-dum. Bah-dum.
“I ain’t goin’ anywhere,” he declared, ruffling a hand through my hair. “I promise I’ll always be there for you and Mom.”
Held in his embrace, I felt myself relaxing, melting into him. Ma and Pa were the strongest people I knew. They could survive anything, I knew it like I knew the sky was blue.
“You are such a special boy, Clark,” he murmured gently. “I know how much I say it, but I couldn’t be prouder to have raised such a kind and brave son.”
Bah-dum. Bah-dum. Bah-dum.
“I love you, Clark,” he said. “I love you so much.”
Bah-dum. Bah-dum. Bah-dum.
- - - - - - - - -
VRUM-dum. VRUM-dum. VRUM-dum.
I opened my eyes. The infinite blackness of space reached out before me. The stars littered the sky, unblinking and defiant, the multicoloured nebulae proof that even the stars were mortal. Would I outlive those stars? Would I exist to see the next generation of celestial bodies, or would I live until the distance between them grew so much that space seemed empty even as far as my eyes could see?
Space didn’t seem so empty right now, as the entire spectrum of light was visible to me - gamma rays burst across the void like lightning, radio waves spilled out like rivers through the void, ultraviolet light shimmering in waves emanating from the sun. In the silence of space, the cosmic tapestry was all the more humbling.
Somewhere out there, light-years away, was the remnants of a once mighty planet named Krypton and the red dwarf sun whose denizens worshipped it as Rao. One of those distant flares of light could have come from my home planet, long after it had been destroyed. A memory that didn’t know it was a memory. Sometimes I thought that if I could see far enough, I could see a decades-old image of my Kryptonian parents, happy and alive, still oblivious to their fate.
It was times like this I really missed Pa. Sometimes the world just got to be too much. Whenever I couldn’t quite get to the accident in time, or only realized it had happened afterwards. Whenever Luthor, Brainiac, or just everyday people surprise me with the new depths of evil they could sink to. When the sounds of the world, of life, stop being reassuring and start hammering away at my conscience, telling me you aren’t good enough, you’ll never truly be part of them, that you can’t save them all.
It was times like this that I needed to escape and get some peace, but the VRUM-dum, VRUM-dum of my heart was a constant reminder that I would never be fully human.
I allowed myself a few more moments of loneliness and self-pity, of isolating silence, before I turned back around, my cape slowly rippling behind me in a slash of crimson.
Earth.
I couldn’t count the number of times I’d seen Earth from this perspective, but words failed me every time. I’ve seen alien planets with oceans of metallic gold, the unimaginable lands outside time and space, the lush gardens of New Genesis and the hellfire of Apokolips and sights that most people couldn’t imagine. But Earth was still the most beautiful place I’d ever seen. Not because of its vibrant blue oceans or swirling white clouds, but because on that pale blue dot, people were loving and fighting, living and dying, but most importantly, they were trying.
As I floated down into the atmosphere, I started to pick up traces of sound. I heard the roar of the wind, the rush of the ocean, and I marvelled at the ineffable mechanisms of the universe that allowed Earth to exist. The bustle and clamour of Metropolis gradually faded into perception as I descended, and instinctively, I searched for those familiar heartbeats.
Bah-dum. Bah-dum.
At the Daily Planet, the lights were off and the last person had left over an hour ago, but Lois was still typing away at her desk. A pen dangled absentmindedly from her lips as her foot tapped in rhythm to her lightning-fast mind, the autocorrect failing to keep up.
I took a moment to admire her relentlessness in her pursuit of truth, her amazing mind, the way she blew the hair out of her face as she continued to narrow her eyes at the computer as if she was physically fighting it.
“Luthor… tenement…” she muttered under her breath. She takes a 2-second break to crack her knuckles, chug half a cup of coffee, then resumes her ferocious assault on her keyboard. “Lawsuit… governor…”
Bah-dum. Bah-dum.
Jimmy was chattering excitedly at a cameraman as he strapped himself into a spacesuit. I could see Metamorpho and a few concerned scientists gathered around.
“Hey guys, I’ve volunteered for this cra-a-a-zy biomedical experiment for the good folks at S.T.A.R. Labs,” Jimmy enthused as he gestured at the assorted scientists, “and I’m about to perform the first jump from outer space to the ground without a parachute!”
“I’m going to infuse myself with stem cells from my friend Metamorpho here,” as the camera pointed towards him, Metamorpho looked away in embarrassment, “and I’m sure absolutely nothing could go wrong!”
I would almost certainly have to deal with that later, but I couldn’t bring myself to be annoyed. Jimmy never failed to bring a smile to my face.
Bah-dum. Bah-dum.
Across the water in Gotham, Batman and Robin were perched on the roof of a building right beside a glowing skylight.
“Have I shown you my new trick yet, B?” Dick whispered excitedly as he silently flipped onto his hands, walking about upside down with the grace and flourish only an acrobat could have.
“Hmm,” Bruce grumbled, using some high-tech gadget to observe the Penguin’s party ongoing below.
“I’m super proud of this one. I drop down with the grapple, bounce off one dude's head, then wrap-”
“You showed me.” Bruce stopped him as he put the gadget away and stood up.
“Well, I bet I’ll get more goons than you if I do my new move tonight.” Dick jumped back up and placed an explosive charge on the window. “If I win, you have to take me to get ice cream right after, ok? Deal?”
I heard Bruce’s heart skip a beat as a smile, almost too fast to notice, flashed across his face.
“Deal.”
Bah-dum. Bah-dum.
I expanded my perceptions.
In the Fortress, Krypto was playing tug of war against 12 Superman robots combined, and the robots weren’t winning.
On the farm in Smallville, Ma was baking some cookies and watching the news.
Mali, my favourite falafel vendor, was bragging to a group of kids about how he knew Superman personally.
In Mongolia, an old couple dressed in traditional clothing were holding hands as they lay down on the grass, pointing out clouds as they floated by.
In Central City, a woman was hanging up her laundry on her balcony as she talked to her neighbour on the balcony below about how her metahuman son had saved his classmates' lives.
I thought back to Pa’s words that day at the hospital. He was wrong; he couldn’t always be there for me. But Ma and Pa had taught me to love, to forgive, to believe in myself and believe in hope. Not just them, but Lois, Jimmy, Bruce, Malie, every single amazing person I had ever met in my unbelievably lucky life.
You are special.
Sometimes I doubted, sometimes I failed, sometimes I got scared like everybody else did. Sometimes people did bad things, and sometimes good people didn’t get what they deserved. But if there was a chance for one more wonderful moment, for one more beautiful life, I could take anything the world threw at me.
I’m so proud of you.
My heart felt too big for its chest as I floated in space, watching the world turn. The VRUM-dum, VRUM-dum of my heart faded into the background as I witnessed the determination and bravery of life. If I could, I would wrap my hands around the world and give it one big hug.
I love you.