Chapter Text
Prologue I: The One You Drown For
“And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise.
My soul will rest in your embrace.
For I am Yours and You are mine.”
Oceans (Where My Feet Fail) — Brett Blondell
You can love many people in a lifetime.
Some loves arrive like good weather. They move through your days without clatter, laying themselves down like sunlight across a kitchen table. They are the easy habits — two mugs on the same hook, a hand finding yours without thinking, the comfort of a shared silence that doesn’t demand explanation. They steady you. They soften your edges. If you are lucky, they teach you the kindness of staying.
And then there’s the other kind.
The kind that doesn’t ask permission. The kind that slams into shore, all surge and drag, and leaves the beach a different shape than before. The kind that gets under your ribs and rewires the room where your heart lives, rearranging furniture you thought was nailed to the floor. It makes a battlefield of your chest. It moves like weather you cannot predict — blue sky one minute, sirens in the distance the next.
It is not gentle. It is not safe. It is not reasonable.
It hurts. Not because it is cruel by nature, but because it is vast. Because it refuses to be contained by the small stories you told yourself about what you’d settle for. It blurs borders — between want and need, between devotion and fury, between the person you were and the person you become when their name is in your mouth. It is flame and flood at once: burning from the inside while the tide rises around your throat, daring you to admit how badly you want to breathe.
Most people meet many loves. Almost no one meets this one.
But if you do, you will know.
Because something in you goes quiet the instant you see them. Not the world — no, the world gets louder: keys, laughter, a door closing, the weather — everything heightens around the stillness they make in you. Your pulse learns a new language in a single afternoon. The air tastes like the moment just before a storm breaks.
This love is a singular geography. A map that only exists once, even if you spend years pretending you can navigate by other stars. You can try to outrun it. You can cross continents, switch cities, switch names, switch the way you sign your letters. You can fill your days with good things and better people and a calendar so crowded there’s no space left for ghosts. You can build a life that looks solid from the outside — neat corners, clean lines, proof that you did not drown.
Some people call it a curse — to carry one person the way a coastline carries the memory of waves. They are not wrong. Curses are only miracles wearing the wrong name.
Because here is the quiet, ugly truth: you can love other people well. You can love them fiercely. You can choose them and mean it, lay foundations, paint the walls, call it home. You can grow beside them and be changed by their kindness. You can build a life that deserves to last.
And still, there is the one who owns the weather in you.
Some loves are meant to last. Some loves are meant to mend.
And some loves are meant to remake you — sweep through the house of you and leave it changed, even if all the furniture ends up back in its old place. You can call it ruin if you want. You can call it fate if you need to. You can call it a mistake you refuse to repeat.
But when you are honest, when the room is dark and the water is loud and there is no one there to hear you edit yourself, you will call it by its real name.
The one you drown for.
You will not love anyone the way you love them.
And maybe, you were never meant to.