Work Text:
===> Young Dave: Make a claim you will never have to back up, never ever
TG: i tell you man, absolutely every single straight guy has an exception to the straight rule
TG: this is like one of the most commonly known things about being a straight-as-an-arrow guy, man, youre allowed to be in the throws of homosexual gay love with ONE other guy and ONE guy only
EB: i don't know, dave, saying you have a crush on a guy doesn't seem very straight to me.
EB: even if you add the suffix man- to it.
TG: aw come on, dude, you'd think that you better than anyone would understand the mancrush thing i mean
TG: your appreciation for nic cage and all of his shitty films is kinda gay
TG: except it isnt, because as ive established, so long and hes your mancrush youre allowed to be all crushy wushy with him
EB: okay, i don't buy into the mancrush thing being a thing straight guys do, but i think i get it.
EB: you're allowed to say you have a mancrush on ONE guy if said guy is like... a celebrity?
EB: so someone that under no normal regular circumstances you would end up dating, therefore you're still straight, because the odds of you meeting this guy are sooooo astronomically slim that by all ends and purposes you ARE straight!!
TG: correcto mundo
EB: so who's your mancrush, huh, dave?
TG: what
EB: you said that i have a mancrush on nic cage but that i'm still straight.
EB: so...
EB: who's yours?
TG: hahaha come on man, we all know that im so straight that there's no guy ive got a man crush on
TG: i only have mancrushes on MANLY women because im so straight that even liking tomboy gals seems kinda gay to me.
EB: no, no, come on. you said EVERY straight guy ever had one exception!
EB: you can tell me yours, dude, i won't tell anyone, i swear.
TG: you wont even tell TT?
EB: i won't, i promise :)
TG: okay so, dont laugh at me cuz you really dont have any grounds to be laughing at anyone when your mancrush is nic cage as we stated but
TG: idk, obama seems pretty fly
EB: wait.
EB: barack obama. the guy running for president?
TG: yeah, as i said he seems fly
EB: so you make fun of me for liking nic cage, which is gay according to you, but you think barack obama is 'fly' enough for you to make him YOUR mancrush.
EB: i have to say, dave, that seems... pretty gay to me :B!
TG: it ISNT
TG: and as i stated on the beggining of this entire conversation, the chances of you or i havin to cash in that big gay check with the respective men of our dreams are so astronomically slim that we ARE straight
TG: straight to the 10th power, 99.99% add 36 decimals of 9 to that percent fucking straight so
TG: whats the issue?
EB: hehe, there's no issue, man, just idk, it seemed funny to me that out of AAALL the male celebrities you know in the world you picked him.
EB: must be fate, hehe!
TG: john
EB: yeah?
TG: shut up
TG: and wahtever you do, DO NOT tell TT any of this
EB: don't worry, i won't.
EB: a funny as this entire thing is, i think that TT might actually agree with you on this one.
EB: having a crush on a celebrity of your same gender does NOT make you gay.
TG: exactly
===> Present Dave: Obtain absolutely uncontestable proof of your own bisexuality
DAVE: morning, dirk
DIRK: Morning, Dave.
DAVE: hey are you busy today or like
DAVE: right now?
DAVE: theres some stuff i want to talk to you about
DIRK: I mean, I promised Jane that me and Jake would make the trip to the Human kingdom to visit her today, but other than that I am currently free.
DIRK: What can I do for you?
DAVE: last night i heard you and jake talking about... the alternate version of me? your bro?
DAVE: you think i could ask you a few things about him?
DAVE: i know you dont like to discuss alt selves due to your sitch with AR and everything but i heard some shit that seemed crazy af about alt dave and idk
DAVE: im... curious
DIRK: I mean, yes, I would rather not discuss any topics in regards to my seemingly innate ability to create shitty, jerkward splintered versions of me, but you are allowed to ask me about your Alternate Self.
DIRK: I'm somewhat surprised you haven't asked me anything yet, in the couple of months we've been living together. If Roxy and her mom- I mean, if Roxy and Rose are anything to go by, I assumed you would have asked me everything under the sun about my Bro by now.
DAVE: i get the feeling that rox never ceases pester rose about what mom was like and that sort of annoys rose, so idk, it seemed like the polite thing to do to NOT go all 20 questions on you about your bro
DAVE: but if its gucci with you, ill ask ahead
DIRK: That is what I just told you you are allowed and even welcomed to do, yes.
DAVE: last night you and jake were talking about some... lover or affair that your bro had while alive?
DAVE: whats up with that?
DIRK: Ah, I see. You are curious about your alternate love life.
DIRK: I'll admit, when this conversation started I did not assume that is where this was headed. However, I can't say I'm not surprised.
DAVE: what do you mean?
DIRK: The thing with you, Karkat and Jade... Nevermind. Let's discuss my Bro and his multiple confirmed and unconfirmed affairs with different heads of states and other seemingly high-ranked officials. What do you want to know?
DAVE: see THAT, thats the thing that that took me the fuck out
DAVE: what do you MEAN heads of states, multiple??
DIRK: You see, Dave, by the time my Bro was already stepping away from his role as one of Hollywood's most well-respected movie producers, he was already working together with Roxy's Mom and similar bright minds in a secret, yet also not, intelligence organization with the sole duty of preventing the Condesce's takeover of the planet.
DIRK: This task failed miserably, of course, however even after the organization had realized that any attempts to prevent the inevitable were entirely futile in nature, a lot of the connections established between the members of Central Command would remain the most important of their lives, for whatever long those lives were to last.
DIRK: My Bro, specifically, was the most infamous offender of these barely-contained-from-the-media affairs, specifically because he started a decade-long one with none other than the President of the United States.
DAVE: dammn
DAVE: double DAMN even holy shit
DAVE: i got it on with the POTUS??
DIRK: You did not, your Alternate Self did. And I find that "got it on" doesn't really do justice to how perversely intense the affair was. As I said, Dave, this lasted for longer than a decade.
DIRK: There was an entire team of hackeractivists, working tirelessly under Roxy's Mom, dedicated solely to preventing word of that affair from getting out. It would have no doubt interfere with 3 elections that I can think of, one of which was the last democratic election that the United States ever held.
DIRK: Contemporarily, during it, others of their insurrectionist team were of the mind that it was the affair itself that led to the downfall of Western civilization, however Roxy's Mom disagreed.
DIRK: I think Roxy still has a note somewhere where her Mom describes that relationship as an example of how despair can bloom into a beautiful feeling during the bleakest of times, or whatever purple prose verisimilitude she saw fit to use.
DAVE: okay so this wasnt just a geting it on deal, they were like
DAVE: in love in love
DAVE: however weve discussed the history from your earth and the history from ours doesnt differ THAT much from each other, at least prior to 2024, or whatever, and the only chick i cant think of that ran from president during that time was- uh
DAVE: uh
DIRK: Dave. I will say this gently, because your friends have made me promise that I will say it like that or else I would win myself one free mauling from your not-a-girlfriend, so. Listen here.
DIRK: The President my Bro dated and loved. They were not as you put it, 'a chick'. This was a guy, an adult human male.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: oh shit my alt self was GAY
DIRK: During his time alive, my Bro refused to label himself with any term that described his sexuality, so no, I wouldn't call him 'gay'. It wouldn't even be accurate to the affair he maintained, not only with the President in question, but also, the President's spouse.
DAVE: wait
Dave: wait wait, my alt self also got it on with the FIRST LADY?!
DIRK: Yes, he was the third of their already rock-solid marriage, a position that had been opened to others before for less sentimental liaisons, but that remained firmly only his up until his death.
DIRK: My Bro, the President and the First Lady, Dave, they were a polyamorous throuple.
DAVE: holy SHIT
DAVE: uh
DAVE: well, ya know what they say about the golden rule
DAVE: its not gay if its a threeway
DIRK: Oh, don't be mistaken, the relationship between my Bro and that President. It was very much gay.
DIRK: After my Bro was slain by the Condesce and the news was reported to his lovers... The First Lady was absolutely inconsolable. For nearly 15 years, she'd carefully maintained this image of the perfect wife and companion to the President, a political force to be reckoned with just as her husband, Dave, it completely broke upon hearing the news of my Bro's passing.
DIRK: And the President? Well, he no longer held the office, hadn't in 4 years, but holy shit, Dave.
DIRK: That man went down in history, and not only for bombing arab children.
DIRK: Reports of the clown killing spree that he engaged in after the news of my Bro's death were broken to him are nothing short than legendary. It was some Iliad shit. The streets ran red and faygo purple in the berserk rage of his righteous grief.
DAVE: jesus
DAVE: thats
DAVE: thats pretty gay, dude
DIRK: Indeed.
DIRK: Still, I think it should be a comfort to you that, gay or not, your Alt Self was loved so completely by these two people. Not to mention every other A-list celebrity that my Bro had also been involved with.
DAVE: yeah, i
DAVE: itd be neat to be so loved like that, even if it was a guy who was doin the lovin
DAVE: not that there is anything wrong with two guys loving each other just
DAVE: never thought that *i* would be one of the two guys?
DAVE: plus one girl apparently?
DAVE: huh
DAVE: actually, now that i think about it, that arrangement doesnt sound... to bad
DAVE: sounds kinda swag, actually
DIRK: Well, it did work for my Bro.
DIRK: Actually.
DIRK: My Bro's partners, they knew about me. They left me a couple of notes on their own in the apartment that D prepared for me, without D knowing. It was... nice, when I found them.
DIRK: It allowed me to glimpse into another aspect of my brother that I hadn't really known, a more intimate side.
DIRK: In one of the notes they said: "Dirk, had you been born to us, we would have loved you like a son. Don't let D know we left you some toys, he doesn't like to share. Signed, B & M"
DAVE: lmao
DAVE: you MEMORIZED the note?
DAVE: youre such a dork
DIRK: I was an infant left stranded alone on an apartment tower in the middle of the ocean, and one of the last two remaining Humans. It.
DIRK: It held sentimental value.
DAVE: hey its okay man
DAVE: sorry for teasing you, its... sweet, kinda, that B and M left you a note and some shit just like D did
DAVE: I think my alt self chose well
DIRK: I agree he did.