Chapter Text
It rained the day after the Idol Awards. Storm clouds billowed over the city lights, leaving wet streaks across Seoul like smears of watercolor paint on canvas.
Their first day of hiatus. A three month break.
Zoey had suggested they go stock up on snacks and pile onto their couch, settling into the lull of movie marathons, take out, and spending time together on their hobbies. They tracked droplets into the entryway of their penthouse, shaking off coats and dropping wet plastic bags on the rug.
Mira only wanted to help, to offer a gentle gesture of affection. Something to ease the tension between them.
She gently grabbed the shoulders of Rumi's coat, attempting to shed it and hang it up for her.
Mira felt her heart shatter when Rumi recoiled away gasping, clinging to her coat. Her chest heaved and pushed out shallow breaths. Mira drew back her own hands as if she had burned Rumi by touching her. Zoey came slowly to Rumi's side.
"Hey-hey, Rums…it's okay. You're safe," their maknae soothed.
"S-sorry, I just...sorry," Rumi mumbled, arms tight to her chest.
Mira wordlessly stepped away, an unpleasant sting working its way into her eyes. She turned, taking all the bags to the kitchen. Her long, pink hair formed a curtain to hide her face, tucked underneath her ball cap. Mira unpacked their goods, hands shaking ever so faintly. She could hear Zoey comforting Rumi still, coaxing her to hang up her own coat.
"We…didn't see what happened on stage." Zoey picked at her fingernails. "Do you...want to talk about it?"
"No...no," Rumi whispered, "not right now, Zo."
Mira's pulse crawled into her throat and radiated down through her sternum uncomfortably. She gripped the counter-top tight, knuckles turning white. There it was again, that fuming roar deep inside her that she hated. The deep, aching burning in her eyes was her only warning of angry tears to come. She walked off to her room, alone.
"Mir?" Zoey shakily called after her. "Where are you going?"
"My room. Don't wait up just—" She swallowed down the break in her voice. "Just enjoy yourselves, yeah?"
Mira tucked inside her room before Zoey could pursue her, leaning back against the door and releasing a shuddering breath. Now in the familiar, lonely quiet of her own space. She shed her wet clothes, hanging her hat and cleaning her glasses off. She collapsed into bed in a soft, oversized shirt and her panties.
"I'm sorry," she hissed into her pillow, to nobody who could hear her. "I'm so fucking sorry…"
The cold rain had settled into her bones, so she nestled into her blanket. A buzz from her phone incited a jolt from her, but she reached for it regardless. Just a notification of a news article on the upcoming fashion week lineup for Autumn.
Oh right, she's supposed to walk that. Bobby sent the contract over a week ago. Probably should look it over soon.
"Mira?" Rumi knocked softly, voice carrying through the door.
"One sec." She scrambled to pull joggers on, softly opening the door after.
"Hi," Rumi whispered, hands twisting around the hem of her shirt.
"Hey."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...react like that I—"
"Rumi." Mira held up her hand. "Its okay."
"I know in my head it wasn't you guys up there. I guess my body just…doesn't…not yet at least."
"Really, it's okay. I get it." Mira crossed her arms, gripping them tight. "I'm sorry I scared you.
"I know you didn't mean to." Rumi stepped forward. "It was a really sweet gesture."
Mira felt faint heat creep into her cheeks. Rumi was close enough to reach out to, to hold the soft hands of. That ache and yearning, which had long settled into her body, reared its head as she looked at Rumi. Her normally confident and radiant Rumi had looked so small these days, shrunk in on herself. Seeing her on the stage, demon patterns jagged and purple had damaged them. The way she acted like a cornered animal, the sight haunted her sleep. Mira could still feel when the Honmoon shuddered at Rumi's desperate voice in her soul.
"Will you come back out?" Rumi pleaded. "Please?"
Mira had never been able to say no to Rumi, not when she got like this, her puppy eyes shining and lip pouting. Its been that way since they first became friends after they met.
Was that a manipulation too?
No…no…she's being paranoid now. Rumi cared about her. She knew she did. That sweet, pouting look was because she wanted Mira's company.
"Yeah of course." Mira felt her own face soften.
Rumi lit up, both metaphorically and physically, her patterns flashing an opalescent color the second her eyes brightened and her smile returned. Mira's heart skipped over itself, stumbling into the messy feelings she has clutched to herself for years.
"Zoey got the snacks set up, all our favorites pulled out!" Rumi clapped lightly, her big grin showing. "We can all…pile up together."
"Sounds perfect. I'm going to grab a sweater and I'll meet you out there, yeah?"
"Okay." Rumi turned and practically skipped down the hallway. "I'll be waiting."
Mira stepped back, gripping her shirt over her heart. Oh how her heart gnawed at the rib cage bars holding it back. What a rabid, wild thing.
"Down girl," she whispered to herself.
She flicked through her closet and settled on a oversized charcoal gray hoodie. Using a silk ribbon, she knotted her hair half up. Enough to keep it out of her face, leaving the back down against her shoulders.
Time to...be normal...pretend that Rumi hasn't been able to hide demon patterns her entire life.
She can do this...right? It's just Rumi.
"Mira!" Zoey leaned over the back of their couch. "Come join us under the big blanket."
Rumi and Zoey were draped in their large, plush blanket, their maknae arranging snack bags into piles in order of everyone's favorites. Rumi patted the couch next to her.
"Want to sit with me?" she asked sheepishly.
Mira nodded with a weak smile, sitting just close enough to press their knees together. Her body still melted like warm candle wax at even the faintest brush of Rumi's patterned touch. Her eyes traced over the lattice of opalescent lines adorning Rumi's body. The angry magenta glow gone now, replaced with something very...Rumi, honestly.
Any color that shined that brightly was perfect on Rumi.
Zoey put on the first of their movie marathon, a favorite of all of theirs, Mamma Mia. They belted their favorite songs, laughed and ate, until Rumi slowly leaned closer. Her head plopped lightly onto Mira's shoulder. She risked a glance downward, Rumi just chewed her chips and rested against her without a care in the world. As if nothing had happened and they had always been like this.
It was the most comfortable she had looked in months, maybe even years. As if she could hear Mira's thoughts and wanted to prove her wrong, Rumi relaxed deeper into her side. Their bodies were flush together now.
"Oh! Oh, Mira, it's your favorite song!" Rumi grabbed her bicep with a soft shake.
Mira could only weakly laugh, too busy choking her heart back down into her chest. Rumi was absolutely ruining her without even trying. The guilt was weighing down from the night before. She didn't deserve this tenderness with Rumi. They hadn't discussed anything that happened.
Why was she the only one not okay?
Rumi suddenly tucked her arms under the blanket, sitting up straighter and shrinking inward. Mira refocused, realizing she had been staring at Rumi's bare arms in her disassociating.
Did…did Rumi think she had to hide them still?
That guilt stung worse than her unresolved anger in this moment.
"Hey," she whispered gently, "you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine." Rumi's voice pitched up, her smile wide despite not reaching her eyes.
Mira recognized that tone now. The one that had slipped past her for years. Too tight and too whistling in its sound.
Rumi was fucking lying.
She was lying again.
Mira stood up abruptly. She needed air. Needed space to cool herself off before she let this bubble over again. She made her way towards the elevator on stiff legs.
"Woah, Mir, where's the fire?" Zoey yelled, startled by her exit.
"I just remembered I was supposed to work out," Mira responded flatly.
"Right now?" Zoey stood, following her.
"Yeah just…enjoy the movie. I'll be back later."
"Mira, hold on." Zoey tried to grab her.
"What, Zoey?!" Mira whipped around.
Zoey's eyes grew wide, the outburst causing her to retreat into herself. Just like last night when Mira left her alone. When she abandoned her best friend in their darkest hour.
"Zo, hey I'm…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you." She tugged her younger friend into a hug. "You didn't do anything wrong. That was unwarranted."
Zoey eased into the embrace, tucking herself around Mira's waist tentatively. She buried her head into Mira's collar bone. Mira rubbed the back of Zoey's head softly, soothing her with fingers through her dark curls. Rumi looked longingly at them from the couch.
"I'm so sorry I left you last night," Mira whispered. "I never should have gave up on you. Not for anything."
"I forgive you." Zoey squeezed tighter. "I know you were hurting extra."
Mira relaxed her grip, pulling away to wipe a single tear off Zoey's cheek with a swipe of her thumb. Her small sniffles broke apart the simmering anger Mira had been feeling. She could never dream of maintaining that when her girls were upset and crying.
"Will you at least finish the movie? You'll miss the ending." Zoey tugged her sleeve back towards their couch and Rumi.
The faint, deep blue glow emanating from Rumi stopped Mira short of answering. She had curled her knees up to her chest, arms tight around herself. Mira took a deep breath and moved back towards the couch, sitting gently next to Rumi. When their leader didn't react, she slipped her arm around her.
"Hey," Mira cooed.
Rumi slowly looked over, eyes red and teary. She wiped them away quickly, falling into her mask. That brave face trying to hide the clear distress in her eyes.
"Hi, Mir." She smiled, not nearly as big as before.
"You okay?" Mira rubbed soft circles on her back. "I'm sorry I got up so abruptly."
"Yeah I'm fine, just worried about you two," she gritted through her newly fanged teeth.
"Is that really all?" Mira pressed, pulling back her hand.
"Yeah of course...why wouldn't it be?" Rumi paused.
"Well a lot happened. I figured you might have a lot more to say." Mira let some of her irritation soak in.
"No I'm okay," Rumi lied more. Mira could easily pick up the signs now. "I forgive you both really. I'm not upset."
"That so?" Mira challenged.
"Guys, please stop," Zoey begged.
They both froze, Zoey stood a few feet away with her shoulders tense. Her hands gripped the hem of her shirt, clearly struggling to get the words she wanted to out.
"She said we're okay, Mir...please," Zoey pleaded. "Can we just be okay?"
"Okay," Mira forced the air out.
She leaned back against the couch, no longer touching Rumi. Zoey sat up against Mira's side, cuddling up to her unnie. The movie resumed, no longer filled with their joined singing or laughter, but uncomfortable quiet. Mira felt her body heating up, repressing the urge to shout and run off and confront.
Until she saw Rumi shaking, so slightly it was easy to miss, goosebumps crawling over her patterned skin. Mira tugged off her hoodie, carefully handing it to her friend.
Rumi looked up at her, to the hoodie, then back. The hope that glimmered in her eyes made Mira feel lighter. Mira nodded, pushing it into her hands. Rumi gave a small, gentle smile and slipped her hoodie on.
"Thank you," Rumi whispered to her.
Mira gave a warm look back, lifting her other arm slightly. An invitation.
Rumi cuddled under her arm immediately, resting her hand on Mira's hip, her head tucked securely into Mira's neck. So, Mira swallowed her anger and irritation for the moment, and just held Rumi and Zoey tight to her body. Both girls nestled into her sides like they were carved to fit into her, like puzzle pieces. Her deepest crush and her best friend.
"Who's your favorite dad?" Zoey piped up softly, "in the movie."
"I really like Sam," Rumi laughed softly, "even if his actor isn't that great at singing. He really loves them so easily...and I'm a bit of a sucker for big gestures of affection in things."
"Mine is Bill," Zoey giggled. "The scene he's just wearing an apron makes me laugh so hard. Reminds me of my goofball dad."
"What about you, Mir?" Rumi rubbed her thumb over Mira's stomach, sending a flutter up her body.
"Oh um...I always liked Harry best. He was so happy to just be there for Sophie without ever knowing if he was her dad...I always liked that about him," she mumbled tenderly. "The whole ending scene about being even a third of her father always makes me tear up."
"And he sings your favorite song," Zoey added.
"Yeah." Mira smiled. "I do love that."
They settled into a more comfortable quiet, Rumi's thumb kept rubbing gently against her hip, driving Mira up the wall it was so tender.
How could she be so affectionate after what happened…
What Mira did when Rumi begged her for help.
Mira's eyes grew heavy as her guilt addled mind, surrounded by their warmth.
Mira's hoodie still held residual warmth from the beautiful body it was just on. The inside was so very soft on Rumi's skin. The smell of Mira's perfume soaked into it, surrounding her in a scent of cloves and incense smoke with a hint of cherry blossom notes; warm and floral and…comforting. Like a soft, autumn spiced embrace. She could hear Mira's heart beat and breathing steady gradually as Rumi rubbed slowly with her thumb. She could tell Mira was mad. She always could see right through Rumi's walls, but before she had Mira's trust in her word keeping her safe.
Now she broke that.
There was no way Mira trusted her anymore.
She had to earn it back. She had to.
I can't live in a future where you aren't there.
"Rumi, look," Zoey whispered, tapping her. "Mira fell asleep."
She looked up, serene beauty plastered across Mira's sleeping face. How was she so pretty? Rumi sat up slowly, moving her cheek to rest against Mira's toned shoulder.
"I'm sorry there's so much tension…because of me," Rumi muttered.
"Its all of us, Ru. Its okay." Zoey reached to touch her arm. "We'll be okay. You guys will be okay." Zoey gave her a knowing look. What exactly she knew, Rumi wasn't sure of.
"Mira's really mad at me…isn't she…" Rumi mumbled.
"Well she can't be that mad if she's asleep with you cuddled up to her," Zoey giggled quietly, stifling her laughter from rising.
Rumi blushed, pink glow emanating from her patterns. She nestled tighter into Mira's side, indulging herself just a bit to enjoy the rose haired girl's comforting embrace.
"I'm glad she dozed off though. I don't think she slept last night. I heard her really late a couple times." Zoey brushed back a loose hair off Mira's face.
"Really?" Rumi looked up to her, now noticing the bags under her eyes thinly veiled by make up. "I didn't really sleep well either."
"I think I just collapsed from exhaustion," Zoey sighed.
"Yeah I bet." Rumi cast her eyes downward to Mira's hands.
"I'm gonna go play a game I think," Zoey whispered, slowly unfurling herself from Mira's arm.
"What are you gonna play?" Rumi nuzzled against Mira's chest.
"I was thinking of streaming Hollow Knight or something." Zoey stretched her arms above her head.
"Oh is that the one with the little beetle knight guy?" Rumi looked up.
"Yep!" She beamed.
Rumi giggled, holding her finger up to her lips to hush them both. Zoey playfully zipped her mouth shut, skipping back to her room. The living area was now quiet except for Mira's soft breaths and the pattering of rain on glass. Rumi pulled the blanket over both of them tighter, her own eyes starting to drift closed from the cozy warmth of being cuddled up to Mira.
This felt good. She liked this. Rumi had to fix things between them so, she could keep this. She gripped Mira's shirt, brushing the tip of her nose against her neck. The weight of Mira's arm around her was grounding. Rumi closed her eyes, resting into the soft blanket cocoon around them.
"Don't leave…don't leave!" Rumi screamed, stepping towards them, her hand twisted into a purple claw.
Mira and Zoey backed away, barely taking full steps from their leader.
Patterns…
Demon patterns…
Rumi was covered in them. Glowing and angry and jagged all over her. The mark of their sworn enemy and reason they're together.
"I can still FIX IT!" Rumi's voice ripped out of her with a harsh gravel, sending a magenta flare across the Honmoon. Mira could feel it in her gut.
Mira felt her eyes go wide. Her heart throbbed in agony, seeing Rumi like…this.
All this time...all the…lies.
She just watched Rumi rip holes in the Honmoon with her voice alone.
Working with demons…Jinu...
The train...all those people. Gone.
Rumi trusted a demon she just met more than her teammates. More than her. Mira fought back tears and choked down any pleas she had in her. She had to protect everything they stood for.
No matter how badly it hurt.
Her hands shook despite her efforts to steady them, her Gok-do tucked under her arm in a manner that she knew wouldn't let her use it properly. She didn't want to hurt Rumi. She wasn't sure if she even could. All she could hope for was that it would be enough to make her not lash out at them. Rumi's gaze fell to the weapon, tears forming in her eyes. She ripped her demonic amber irises back up to Mira, searching for any sign of comfort to be given.
"Zoey please…" Rumi begged, turning to their maknae and stepping forward.
Zoey sniffled, holding up two shin-kal. Rumi moved towards them, arms outstretched. Mira moved in front of Zoey.
"Stay back." She pointed her weapon further, her voice trembled so deeply within her that it hurt.
"Mira, don't…please." Rumi stretched for her.
"Rumi…don't make me do this," Mira choked out.
Rumi moved closer, going to step around the glowing weapon towards her.
She doesn't know why it happens. The blade sliding through Rumi's sternum with a sick, rattling crack. Mira's hands gripped tight as she twists, snapping open Rumi's ribcage with the ease one breaks a walnut. Zoey backs away from her, hand covering her mouth. Rumi collapses to her knees, pulling the Gok-do deeper, Mira closer.
"I knew you had it in you…violent, pretty thing." A voice nothing like Rumi's echoed out, a wicked grin plastered across her fanged face.
Rumi felt Mira shaking beneath her cheek, stirring her from slumber. She sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes. Mira's face was contorted, her breath uneven, she was slick with sweat. The blanket was tightly balled in her hands as they squeezed closed. Rumi reached gently to brush her cheek.
"Hey, Mira?" She caressed softly. "Wake up, Mir. You're okay."
Mira twitched against the touch, flinching. Rumi shifted above her, brushing her damp hair back.
"Hey-hey, love, it's okay," Rumi ushered sweetly.
Mira jolted awake, eyes wide, her hand flew over her mouth. She practically threw Rumi off of her, running to the nearest bathroom and slamming her knees into the tile. She vomited into the toilet, shoulders shaking and heaving as she started to be aware of her surroundings. Rumi knelt next to her, pulling her hair back for her.
"Shh shh it's okay, Mir. I got you," she soothed.
"Please don't—" Mira scooted back. "Please don't touch me a moment I just…I need a second."
"Oh I'm...I'm sorry." Rumi recoiled.
"Sorry just…nightmare." Mira let out ragged breaths. "I just...need to collect myself or I'll get overstimulated."
"Okay." Rumi sat with her hands in her lap. "Is there…anything I can do?"
"I'll be fine." Mira leaned back, sweat sticking hair to her face.
Rumi looked her over, sickly and scared. Rumi wasn't used to seeing Mira as anything other than a tall, powerful goddess of a woman. To see her slumped on the bathroom floor, having nightmares so bad she throws up, makes a sharp pain twinge Rumi's heart.
"Mira, I..." Rumi stammered.
She tilted those sharp, crimson brown eyes upward towards her—looking through her eyelashes. There were faint glimmers of wet in her eyes, like she could cry at any moment.
"I'm sorry...about all this...about...me." Rumi squeezed her clothed arms with her hands.
"Don't hide," Mira muttered. "Please don't think for a second I want you to hide those again."
Rumi lowered her hands, sliding closer across the floor. Mira's mouth remained in a steady line, eyes scanning over her intently. Rumi felt those siren eyes taking in every micro expression, every breath, every sigh. She wouldn't be able to hide anything anymore. Especially with her patterns displaying her deep emotions for all to see.
She didn't like it.
"It wouldn't be new to hide them. If they're too much I mean." Rumi leaned against the sink cabinet.
"You aren't too much," Mira offered softly. "You have this free ability to tell me what you're thinking and feeling whenever you want to…only if you want to."
"Thank you," Rumi sighed, shoulders relaxing slightly.
Mira slowly pulled herself up, spitting into the sink and rinsing her mouth out. Rumi stood, giving her space, but ready to comfort her if need be.
"You look sleepy." Rumi tentatively stepped closer.
"Yeah." Mira leaned on her palms against the sink. "A bit."
"Do you…want to lay down again? I could stay with you...if you want." Rumi tried not to sound too hopeful.
"I think I'll go downstairs to the gym a bit." Mira rubbed her eyes. "I need to blow off steam."
"Do you want company?"
"Not right now, Ru…" Mira wouldn't meet her gaze.
Rumi shuffled in place, debating if she should say what she's really wondering. She decides to ask, even if the answer may burn too much for her fragile heart to bare.
"Do you hate me?" Her voice barely above a whisper.
Mira whipped her head towards her, eyes wide.
"Did you seriously just fucking ask me that?" she scoffed. "Wait do you actually think I could hate you? After everything? After being friends since we were 16?"
"I-I don't know you've just been kinda distant today and I was worried—" Rumi mumbled.
"I've been distant?" Mira barked out a laugh. "That's rich coming from you, Rumi."
"That's not fair," Rumi bit back.
"No, you know what? What's not fair is you and Zoey being able to pretend to forgive and forget all this while I'm stuck here feeling like the only one still angry about this!" Mira's voice started to rise.
"Mira, I'm just trying to move forward!" Rumi matched her volume.
"You haven't even acknowledged the thing you're moving forward from!" Mira spat. "You lied right to my face for years, Rumi."
"Fine okay yeah, I'm angry too!" Rumi grit her teeth. "Is that what you want to hear?"
"No, I want to know why…say why you're mad!" Mira looked over her darkly.
"Mira, I don't—"
"Say it, Rumi." Her tone was sharp.
"Mira, please—"
"Say it."
Rumi kept quiet, patterns lightly glowing magenta. Her nails dug into her palms, leaving deep creases in her porcelain skin.
"Say it!" Mira shoved her lightly.
"You raised your weapon at me!" she finally let herself roar out, patterns burning bright. "You turned on me when I was begging you to listen to me and then when I ran away you stayed behind!"
"You have no idea what I was feeling then!" Her face came inches away from Rumi's. "Fuck, I spent months, no years worrying about you. All the long sleeves and layers and I thought…I thought you were—" Her voice cracked higher than Rumi had ever heard it.
Rumi kept quiet, letting her continue.
"My entire world came shattering down on me last night. Fuck, I wasn't even sure it was you at first until you…y-you looked so scared and I..I wanted it to be fake. I wanted it to be a trick, but then you came backstage and I saw…you." Mira gripped herself tight, coughing out words in her low rumble. "You worked with demons before you trusted us—trusted me! You lied to my face when I asked what was going on and after everything that happened I had no idea what your intentions were."
"I was trying to fix me…so we could all be together and save the world and…and..." Her throat stung. "I thought if I could convince Jinu to help me I could...finally be free. I paid the price for it…he betrayed me in the worst way he could think of. Used my exact words against me, with the voices of the people I love."
It was Mira's turn to still, her back going rigid. Rumi's mind spiked with the memory, still fresh and raw. Mira and Zoey tearing at her, shoving her. Demons using Mira's voice to call her a mistake. Using Zoey's to sing their hateful lyrics at her. All the words Jinu had heard her say at their meet above the city, with the exchange of a bracelet. Of hope.
Used against her with the voices she loved the most and cherished. Now the love of her life can't even take her coat for her.
Mira tugged her flush against her ample chest suddenly. Rumi jolted with the touch, tensing under the tight wrap of arms for a moment.
"I'm sorry for what happened," Mira whispered to her gently, her fingers firm on the back of Rumi's neck. "I know you're hurting too just…please…talk to me about it. Don't hide from me anymore. I can't bare it."
Rumi clung tight to the back of Mira's shirt, sobbing quietly into her chest. Even when Mira was furious with her, she still held her. Both with her strong arms and her soft clothes enveloping Rumi now. The angry shade of her patterns dulled to a soft periwinkle, her head tucked against Mira's neck. She could see her tears staining the pale blue fabric on her torso. Mira didn't seem to care as her fingers caressed the back of Rumi's head.
"I never wanted to lie," Rumi squeaked out. "I wanted to tell you for so long."
"So, why didn't you?"
"Celine said nothing could change between us until the patterns were gone…that you guys wouldn't understand."
"We haven't lived under her roof for 5 years now, Rumi."
"I never needed to hear Gwi-Ma's voice in my ear...I had Celine's," Rumi whimpered. "My whole life she told me the patterns needed to be fixed. I believe her."
"We could have helped you. I would have helped you if you had just...talked to me."
Rumi pushed away from her slowly, letting her arms fall limp to her sides.
"Would you though?" Rumi let an edge deep down sharpen her voice. "Or would you have just put me down like a rabid dog…"
Mira scoffed, disbelief painted into her sharp features. Her mouth formed a scowl.
"Seriously?" Her voice was dangerously low. "If you think the way I reacted last night is at all how things would have been if I had known, if you hadn't lied to my face nights ago, then maybe you don't really know me at all."
Mira shoved past her, leaving Rumi staring at her own blurry reflection through tears. It hurt worst than hatred.
It hurt because there was boundless care and tenderness in every moment she shared with Mira before this. The harmonic echo she heard the moment they met still warms her to this day. The Honmoon pulled them tight together until their souls bled into new colors she couldn't even fathom or put words to, just feelings.
She clung to them now. The semblance of Mira's essence that was absent when she left. She felt empty where her hands had been, caressing her and holding her tight.
How could she possibly fit so many shards of glass back into a mirror?
Mira had secluded herself the last few days. She hated how she handled things, how she boiled over. Why didn't she know how to be more gentle? Softer. Rumi deserved to know more than the angry surface thoughts. She was hurting and sad and lost in heartache. Why can't she ever just let light shine on her negative thoughts?
Pathetic.
Her fist plastered against the white leather of the punching bag with a loud slap.
Weak.
Another strike, harder this time. Her hand stung with the force.
Coward.
A crimson splatter broke out of her bare knuckle against the white leather, obscene in contrast. It burns.
Violent fuck up.
The blood smeared over her other knuckles, painting a vulgar blush to her skin.
You should've been there…should've chased after her like your heart begged you to.
More burning, the portrait of violence bloomed broader across the bag. Old sting faded and blended into the new, continuous in its relentless jolts.
You don't deserve her. Never have. Never will.
Her hands started to drip now, droplets speckling the floor.
You are nothing.
The splatter grew outward, splattering and flinging all directions.
She'll hate you as much as you hate yourself now.
Mira let out a scream laced with agony and ache, collapsing against the bag, hugging it to herself. The blood soaked into her sports bra, stained her skin, and smeared against her face. Her hands felt numb and wet, the sticky ichor beginning to clot between her fingers.
"Fuck..." she sobbed out.
Her tears made rivers through the blood, clearing pathways in the carmine mess she had made here.
She had seen the footage now. The Idol Awards "Takedown" performance. Visages of her and Zoey as they tore Rumi open on stage. She could still hear Rumi's begging cries. The scream that shattered the lights. God it hurt.
She would rip those demons limb from limb for handling her so shamefully.
Why did she raise her Gok-do?…
Why did she stand her ground when all Rumi needed was to be held and comforted. She should have gone to her and let her collapse. Let her fall apart in safety. Once again her anger and fury had clawed its way to the surface and she made the worst possible decisions. She was hurting and hurt Rumi in return when she was already broken.
Why did Rumi have to fucking lie?
And why did it not make her love her any less?
She was still hopelessly smitten with her. Standing here, beating the shit out of herself like a brute, she remembers the first time Rumi made her heart sing.
"Mira, are you busy?" Rumi leaned in her room.
Mira pulled her headphones down, turning in her desk chair to face Rumi. She always looks so pretty. Her long pink hair and perfect make up, the way her lithe muscles rippled during training. Rumi gripped the box tighter in her hands.
"No, just writing some lyric and choreo ideas. What's up?" Mira's sultry voice like cello.
"I uh…Celine mentioned it was your birthday." She thrust the box forward awkwardly.
"You…got me a gift?" Mira spoke slowly, hands carefully taking the package.
Rumi watched her gently unwrap the paper like it would shatter in her grasp. It was sweet, the tenderness she hid away until they were alone. In the year they've known each other, they've butt heads several times over practice and training. Mira used to snap at her often, annoyed at her perfectionist nature. Now, in quiet moments, Mira got comfortable enough to be herself around Rumi.
"I hope you like it," Rumi offered, a knot forming in her throat.
Mira pulled out the soft, velvet choker from the box. Rumi had noticed her looking at it the last time Celine took them all out. The fabric necklace had a small, silver charm hanging off of it. Mira rubbed the velvet between her fingers, twirling the charm.
"How did you know I wanted this?" Mira asked softly.
"I saw you looking at it. It's not often you go out of your way to look at something when we're out. You don't seem to treat yourself much." Rumi stepped in closer, resting her hand on Mira's shoulder tentatively.
Mira didn't say a word, just stared down at the jewelry in her hands. Rumi pulled away, suddenly feeling a pit drop in her stomach.
"Mir—" she started.
Mira stood and took her into a huge hug, nearly lifting her off the ground. The long, strong arms took up her whole torso and brought them flush together. Rumi's body suddenly felt very, very hot. Not quite like her usual anxious heat…something different. Something new.
"Thank you." Mira's breath tickled her ear, sending chills down between her hip bones.
"N-no problem." Rumi was practically holding her breath now.
She indulgently gripped around Mira's waist, bringing their hips together. Rumi heard her breath when it hitched in Mira's throat. Rumi inhaled her perfume, heady and warm. The mixed notes of spices and Autumn florals on her slightly sun-kissed skin.
"Can I...put it on for you?" Rumi asked sheepishly.
"Y-yeah." Mira pulled away, her cheeks flushed in a way Rumi only saw when they trained.
Rumi slipped the choker around Mira's neck, noticing how soft her skin is. Once it was clipped in the back, she stepped away to look her over.
"It looks really good on you, Mir." Rumi smiled.
"Yeah?"
Mira moved to her mirror, inspecting her new accessory. Rumi saw the normally stern face of her teammate melt into something soft. Relaxed brows, an upturned mouth, even her alluring sharp eyes had a roundness to them as her pupils dilated. She turned back to face Rumi.
"This…means a lot to me. I'm not used to getting things I actually like for…days like this." Mira cast her eyes downward.
"Um day like this," Rumi corrected.
"What?" Mira snorted a laugh out, brow raised.
"You said days plural, but there's only one you. So only one special day dedicated to you...to me at least." Rumi made sure to catch her eyes on the final words that left her tongue.
Mira's face went as pink as her hair.
"That's um…wow okay," she stuttered. "Thank you, Rumi."
Say my name again. Say it in that way you speak like you're uttering prayers.
…
Rumi sat in her room reminiscing, flipping through photo albums as her fingers rested on the picture from Mira's 17th birthday. She looked so calm and happy in it, arm slung around Rumi. The choker that she still wore all the time looked so young and new here.
She flipped the page and lingered on another memory, one of the first time Mira beat her while sparring. Mira stood sweaty and worn out, gok-do slung over both shoulders as she made double 'rock on' hand gestures.
…
Rumi flicked her saingeom effortlessly against Mira's strikes, parrying each swing with poise and strength. Her shoulders buckled from the powerful force Mira wielded. It was impressive to say the least, the way she used such a heavy weapon so elegantly. Mira fought like a ballerina, graceful and precise. Rumi dodged beneath a swing, knocking the hilt of her sword into Mira's ribs.
"Fuck!" Mira coughed out.
"Too slow," Rumi teased.
"You are insufferable." Mira resumed her stance.
"Yet you train with me every other day like it's your favorite thing."
"Oh please like you don't come knocking on my door if I try to skip out." Mira smirked, striking forward with a twirl.
"T-that's not...always true." Rumi blushed, she slipped on her block slightly.
Mira swept her heel low, taking out Rumi's legs. She hit the dirt, back flat to the ground as Mira straddled her. The long handle of her weapon pinned Rumi down, with Mira leaning over her.
"Ha!" Mira panted, "I finally got you!"
Rumi's heart pounded against the ground, reverberating through her entire chest. She was painfully aware of how warm Mira's thighs felt locked around her hips. Her face was flush and sweat gripped above her, mouth partially open in a grin as her breath escaped her. Mira sat back, dissipating her weapon and brushing stray hairs back into her ponytail. Her hips rubbed forward slightly as she moved, causing white hot ache to form inside Rumi just below her.
"Y-you sure did," Rumi choked out, arms itching to reach for the hips perfectly perched on her.
"Don't worry, princess. The score is still Mira 1 and Rumi 1000," she laughed lightly.
Rumi swallowed hard, eyes glossing over Mira's lithe form. Strong and elegant and beautiful.
Oh how she longed to touch without an excuse. To let Mira touch her without an escape ready for the eventual problem of hiding her patterns.
Mira stood carefully, offering her wrapped hands to Rumi. The second their hands clasped it was like the Honmoon was reaching to tie them together. Rumi ached to hold on, but gripping someone so tightly would only end in claw marks when she ripped herself away.
"Zoey mentioned wanting to go to the bath house. Do you want to join us?" Mira pleaded.
Yes absolutely I want to do nothing, but be close to you always. I need you. Just say that I'm yours.
"I think I'll skip and just get a cold shower. I'm pretty sore and overheated already," Rumi lied.
"Okay…well, offer is there if you change your mind." Mira looked downcast as she walked away.
Rumi couldn't help, but watch the sway of those hips and smooth glide of her stride. Mira was intoxicating. They hardly fought these days, not like when they first met. Now it was all playful, competitive nature and affection.
Rumi knew right there that any chance of her falling for someone else had rot away, leaving only space for Mira's soul to nestle into hers.
Someday, once these patterns were gone, maybe she'd have a chance.
…
The warmth that spread through Rumi at the memory was precious and made her feel whole. She hadn't actually seen Mira in days since their fight. Zoey saw her briefly in passing, but could never get Mira to hold still long enough to talk.
So instead, she flipped through photographs, giving herself the vague sensation of Mira's presence. A way to see her ardent grin when it made an appearance. Mira has only grown more beautiful with age. Each year that passes as Rumi flips through is a new level of attraction developed towards her. Features getting sharper and more mature, her body more toned and svelte in all the right ways.
There was a soft knock at her door.
"Come in!" she called from her chair in the corner.
Zoey poked her head in, the storm cloud of a worried expression taking over her usual sunny, bright color. Rumi sat up stiffly.
"What's wrong?" Rumi implored, dropping the album.
"Can...can you come downstairs with me a sec?" Her voice was broken and quiet.
"Yeah of course." Rumi followed her.
The elevator ride was quiet, with Zoey folded in on herself. Rumi stayed near and waited patiently for her to explain. She couldn't recall a time when Zoey was so subdued.
"Mira is out right now, so the gym is free." Her voice carried doleful fog. "So, I thought I'd do some cardio earlier."
"Okay?" Rumi raised a brow.
"There's…something you should see."
"Zoey…what is it?"
"You need to see…I can't—" The younger girls voice broke.
"Okay okay…I'll look." Rumi locked up.
They arrived at the gym floor and stepped in, the sterile cleaner and faint sweat smell in the air. Zoey grabbed her leader's hand, pulling her towards the smaller back room.
"In there." Zoey stopped short of entering.
Rumi rounded the corner and scanned the room. Weights stacked along the wall, a pull ups bar mounted, towels folded on the shelf neatly and—
Her eyes locked on the dried scarlet mark on the punching bag.
"Wha—" Rumi went close, touching the leather bag just around the stain.
"I...I saw Mira a couple days ago…her hands were all bandaged." Zoey teared up. "She…she's hurting herself, Ru."
Rumi didn't have words, her eyes glued to Mira's blood all over the bag. All over the floor. Layered and caked on itself from days of use. Her perfect, soft hands were somewhere else in tatters. Just past the bag she could see bloody rags and shirts heaped into the trash can on the wall.
"Mira," Rumi whimpered.
"You guys need to talk about this," Zoey interrupted her thoughts from the doorway.
"I know," she sniffled.
"I don't want to watch you two fall apart any more. You both care about each other too much."
"I miss her so much." Rumi broke, hand resting next to the stain.
"Then go to her. Make her see you and talk about this."
"Okay." Rumi rubbed her cheeks, smearing her tears away. "I will."