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Rin has grown.
Physically, of course—he’s turning 18 in a few months. But he’d like to think he’s grown in other ways, too.
As time passed, with the U-20 match as his turning point and subsequent progress in the Neo Egoist League, Rin and everyone around him now could see it. His behavior and motives are unsustainable. Not only in terms of motivation, but his mental state as a whole could only hold up for so long.
(Rin thinks it was already falling apart, even then.)
So, feeling much like a lifestyle influencer, he took some time to ‘work on himself.’ He starts to meditate for his own mindset, and not just because his older brother taught him to. It becomes less of a chore and more of a refresher, something he actually looks forward to, something that calms him. The biggest change he wanted to make was to stop taking the words of others as a personal insult without believing them at face-value. Constant hostility is exhausting, but vulnerability is paralyzing. He needs to find a middle ground.
In the end, he manages to settle for cordial. When a player tells him, Good game! or You did well out there, Itoshi, he gives them a sidelong glance and responds in kind. You as well. It might give the impression that he doesn’t believe them or doesn’t care to entertain their words, but isn’t outwardly rude enough to start a fight over. His team members accept this, if only because it results in less yellow cards.
Besides, he’s getting better at being polite with his own peers. Friendly is saved for a select few, but a celebration outing or casual conversation in the locker room are simple enough for him to get through. When Loki asks him to attend a press conference, he agrees for the first time.
There aren’t any questions he doesn’t expect, and he tries to be both polite and honest at the same time, the way his coach does so easily. Rin thinks he comes off as stiff and impersonable, but the interviewer doesn’t seem put off, and Loki commends him for his efforts. It’s the first time he’s gotten through one of these without threatening (or actually attempting) to maim a staff member or teammate.
There is, of course, the question he expects and dreads the most. What is it like to be the younger brother of Itoshi Sae? It’s something along those lines, Rin remembers, but he’d only focused on the name at the end.
The most central part of finding himself has been sorting what parts of him are Rin, and what parts of him are Sae. It’s ultimately not hard to let go of his viciousness towards his peers, because he can acknowledge that they haven’t done anything deserving of it. Sae is another story.
He still feels bitter, at times. Sad, if he’s willing to admit it. But through sheer effort, and hours spent mulling over his brother’s view of him, he manages to give a stable answer to the interviewer without looking too much like he’s about to throw up or start screaming and crying.
He’s one of the best players in the world. There isn’t much more I can say. I wouldn’t consider us very close. Miraculously, the interviewer gets the hint, and moves onto their next questions.
If it has been a year ago, Rin might have desperately wondered if Sae watched his interviews, if Sae would have wanted him to answer differently. Rin from a year ago would have never been in that situation anyway, though.
Hereafter, his view is this: Sae’s view of him will not direct his view of himself. If Sae loves his little brother with all of his heart and longs to reach out again, if he despises Rin with every bone in his body and would sooner vomit than look him in the eye. If Sae does not think about him at all.
Rin is determined to free himself from the chains of his past, and almost all of them tie to his brother. Rin has never cared what others thought of him, only what his brother did. Now, he tries to care only for how he sees himself.
To not be weighed down by the views of others and to not treat them uncaringly is a fine line. Rin likes to think he walks it relatively well nowadays
His last thoughts on his brother—sometimes you have to win the game by not playing.
It’s a harsh reality, especially to a football player, whose whole life is dedicated to not only playing but winning. And yet, entering this match would mean starting a game where he’s losing 0-100.
For someone claiming to try and move on, Rin thinks about Sae an awful lot. It’s getting better. He hopes.
A car horn outside of Rin’s house shakes him out of reminiscing. Right. He has a social life, now. He gives his outfit a once-over, and deems it acceptable. The worn leather jacket reflects his old mentality better than his current one, but it looks good.
Phone, wallet, keys. His hair has grown out a lot, actually. It started as an attempt to distance himself further from his brother, but he likes it a lot. Keeps the front and bangs shorter, but the rest of it is past his shoulderblades now. He slides a hair tie onto his wrist, just to be safe.
He steps outside, an obnoxious Chevrolet Corvette parked just outside. The detailings are pink, but the car itself is black, with about a dozen random bumper stickers. One of them is literally just Rin’s face.
“Looking good, Rin-chan!” whistles the car’s owner, leaning out where the car’s roof has been stowed. “You are the kind of guy to wear a leather jacket in the summer, so I guess this is as good as it gets from you.”
“Hi, Ryuusei,” Rin huffs, trying and failing to keep the fondness out of his voice when the man in question steps out just to open the door for him. “Will you put the roof up?” Rin asks, but Shidou is already doing so.
“You’re no fun. You know, you wouldn’t have to complain about fixing your hair from the wind if you just wore it like I do,” Shidou points out, gesturing to his own head.
“I have too much hair for that. It’d take three containers of gel, and look hideous anyway. I’m not even sure how you pull it off,” Rin retorts, taking his seat as the roof returns over the car.
“So you think it looks good!”
“It’s passable.”
Shidou hums, pleased with the answer, and reclaims his place in the driver’s seat. “You’re really letting it grow out, huh? Chigiri’s got competition.”
Rin shrugs. “It was kind of unintentional, but I ended up liking it. What, you don’t?”
Now, Shidou gasps. “Hey, I didn’t say that! Come on, baby, you know I swing both ways, even if you look like a girl it’s—”
He narrowly dodges Rin’s swat, before grinning. “And besides, it gives me a better grip when you blo—”
“Enough out of you,” Rin scowls, grateful that they hadn’t started driving yet. “Fine, fine, I get it. Will you drive already?”
“Yes, boss,” Shidou salutes, revs the car, and they’re off. It had taken a lot for Rin to trust Shidou’s driving, despite being the one to make him get his license. Despite his personality, Ryuusei is a pretty safe driver. At least, when Rin’s in the car.
Shidou’s music of choice is loud with excessive bass, Rin knows. Today he picks something milder, out of consideration for the striker in his passenger seat.
“A year ago, I never would have thought you’d be the type for an aquarium date,” Rin muses, his previous thoughts leaking into the conversation.
“I could see that. But what’s not to love? Their reptile section—”
“Reminds you of velociraptors, I know,” Rin completes, indulgent.
“Next time, I’ll bring you to an aviary, so you can see owls,” Shidou decides, and Rin is helpless to do anything but nod along.
They don’t speak much for the rest of the ride, which is short anyways, but Rin finds the silence more comfortable than anything. The instinct to start a fight for the hell of it rises up, but is easily suppressed. Partially because he’s not that person anymore, and also, Shidou is driving. One harsh swerve and Rin will shut up anyway.
The aquarium is grand, but not crowded. Summer crowds don’t swarm France for another week or two. Shidou parks, and Rin doesn’t bother starting to get up. He knows Shidou will want to run around the entire car to open the door for him, and will pout the whole time if Rin gets up first.
After being escorted out of the car, their tickets in hand, Rin checks them in and otherwise allows himself to be dragged around. Shidou had been the one to suggest it, but Rin is quite fond of aquariums. It’s a peaceful, calm setting; as long as Shidou isn’t attending alongside you. Even then, Rin’s mood is only heightened. The lighting is soft, his hand interlocked with a warmer one.
“That fish looks like you,” he claims, pointing at a Royal Gramma.
Shidou squints. “Yeah, I see it. That one looks like you,” he decides, pointing at a Blue Velvet Damselfish.
Rin squeezes his hand, frowning. “You picked a cooler looking one. I feel bad now,” he mutters, but Ryuusei laughs, delighted. “Rin-chan! So cute,” he sighs.
The best section of the aquarium, in Rin’s opinion, is the jellyfish. The sea creature has such a mesmerizing way of moving, and he decides it’s his favorite underwater animal. He tells Shidou as such.
“Really? They don’t even have brains, or hearts, or, like, anything,” he points out.
“But they’re practically immortal.”
“Would you want to be immortal, Rin?”
A slight pause as he thinks it over, but Rin ultimately shakes his head. “That’s like asking if I want to watch you and everyone I love die. I don’t think I could motivate myself to live forever,” he admits.
“Better to go out with a bang!” Shidou proclaims, making hushed explosion sounds. Rin laughs softly.
“Sure.”
After lingering for a while, taking pictures of various jellyfish (and of Shidou Ryuusei, Rin’s real favorite life form,) they finally make it to the reptile exhibit. Shidou can hardly stay still, and Rin doesn’t try to make him. He follows along, listening to excited recitations of animal facts, and offering his opinions when asked.
“Aside from birds, crocodiles are the closest related to dinosaurs,” Ryuusei announces proudly, before pausing. “Huh, the aviary really is a good date idea.”
“I’m looking forward to it,” is the response he gets, as a head finds its way onto his shoulder.
PDA is rare from Rin, but it’s slowly become more commonplace.
“Are you tired, Rin-Rin?” The question is partially teasing, but genuine all the same.
“It’s the lighting. Bright lights when the rest of the room is dark always makes me tired,” comments Rin, who gives a soft yawn right after.
“Let’s sit here for a little while, then. We can head back to your house, and then I’ll take you to dinner,” Shidou hums, already walking towards a bench nearby. Once situated, he runs a hand through dark, inky strands, marvelling once again at the new length. Rin seems to like it, so he continues.
“Did you make a reservation?” he asks, never one to go unprepared.
A screenshot of an email with a confirmed reservation is shoved in his face, and the man he’s laying on huffs fondly. “Yes, princess, I did. Do you doubt me so much?”
“It’s not that. I double-check myself, too. I just like to be sure,” he murmurs, ducking his face into Shidou’s neck, who nods like he already knows.
The place they’re eating at is Japanese-style, because Rin has been feeling homesick recently. It’s only been a week since he mentioned that in passing to Ryuusei, and he'd proudly shown off the new reservation just a day later.
If Rin from a year ago could see him now, getting cozy with Shidou Ryuusei on an aquarium date, he would probably have a seizure and die on the spot, Rin thinks.
If Rin had kept going on the way he did a year ago, he might have never made it to 18. He might not even have made it to 17.