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It was barely 8pm when the knock came on the door. Maddie was snugling with baby Robbie on the couch while Jee was drawing on the coffee table. Some old school Disney cartoon playing in the background on low noise.
Shuffling to the door with a baby in her arms she opened them fully expecting to see Buck, again, ready for his daily therapy session with Robbie. Instead, in front if her was - extremely disheveled -
"Eddie, what? Are you, is Evan ok?"
"What? Oh, yes. It's nothing like that. Is Chim home?"
"He went to the grocery store for a huge haul, he won't be here for at least another hour."
"Oh."
Eddie's eyes were frantic and he seemed on a verge of a panic attack. Maddie's eyes softened and then she opened the door to fully let him in.
"Come in. We're just watching Beauty and the Beast. You can wait for him until he gets home."
"I don't want to impose."
He started wringling his hands, nervous breakdown imminent.
"Nonsense. You'll actually do me a favour, I haven't talk to an adult other than Chimney for a while and for the life of me I need something to talk other than cartoons."
"What? Buck doesn't talk to you? I though that he... He said that he visits you almost every day?"
And there it is, that's the thing that's been bugging Maddie. If she thought that he was on a verge of a panic attack earlier now it's like a boulder was crushing onto him.
These boys. When will they ever learn.
She inhaled deeply giving Robby to Eddie while he was still standing in the doorway. He looked at her in confussion.
"Baby therapy. You need it. Come on in. I'll get us a glass of wine."
Eddie nodded his head and shuffled the baby closer to him. Robbie cooed and slapped his little hands all over his face while giggling. Eddie then smiled too.
"Aren't you the cutest."
"Do you miss it?"
Maddie says when Eddie sat on the couch with Robbie on his chest. She put the wine glasses on the table and looked fondly at them.
"I was... I was not around for this part with Christopher so it's a little hard for me to actually, you know..."
His eyes sparkled with unshed tears again.
"I know."
Maddie responded with a sip of her wine.
"Oh sh---oot Maddie. I'm sorry. I didn't think before speaking."
"No, you're fine. I guess we both did things we're not very proud of when it comes to handling our kids."
"Maddie, you were trying to get better. You did get better. You did nothing wrong, you know that right?"
Eddie was being honest, all doe eyes shimmering with unshed tears while slowly carressing Robbie's back.
"I know. But, you know. I always think what if I haven't gone away, would it be easier or..."
"Maddie..."
"Also, if you're trying to make me feel better for that shouldn't I mention the silver star you got from your endaevors? Like, you were an actual hero."
"How do you even know about that?"
Maddie raised her eyebrows while taking another sip. Eddie huffed.
"Buck, of course. But that was different. I didn't have to go. There was nothing for me to fix. I went because I needed to run away from everything."
"Sometimes running away and running towards something or someone needs the same amount of courage."
Maddie said and looked at him without blinking. Eddie just swallowed a lump in his throat. He didn't say anything. Just sniffed Robby's baby head so she continued.
"To answer your earlier question. Yes, Buck is here most nights. Comes in around 6pm for his daily therapy session with Robby."
At that Eddie furrows his eyebrows and then looks at her.
"What do you mean?"
"Apparently when my brother says that he's talking about his feelings with someone that doesn't necessarily mean with therapist but my own flesh and blood. I caught him accidentally one night when Chim, Jee and I were at Jee's friend's birthday party. Caught him talking over the baby monitor. After that it just kept happening and I didn't have the heart to stop him. He knows that I'm listening. Sometimes if he goes into far too personal thoughts I turn off the mic but I think it's helping him. Although I'm afraid of what Robby's first might be."
She snorted then realised what she said and took another sip.
"What do you mean?"
Eddie tried asking but Maddie cut him off.
"So, where is our boy tonight?"
Eddie looked away and focused his stare on the tv, the teacups were singing? He doesn't remember the teacups were singing. Yet again, he watched the cartoon a long time ago.
"He's on a date tonight."
"Again?"
"Yup."
Eddie accentuated the 'p' not offering any other answer. Maddie studied him carefully, trying to see how much she can push his buttons. In a loving, big sister kinda way.
"With which one this time? The twin or the one of the twin's boyfriend?"
"The boyfriend."
Eddie's words cut like a knife. Like he was desperatly trying not to say them because if he says it out loud that means that they are real and that Buck is actually on a date. And yeah, he is. But, you know. What you don't speak into existence you can shove under the rug and pretend it's not real.
"And how do you feel about that?"
Maddie asked carefully like she was atuned to his thoughts. It must be a Buckley trait. Eddie considered taking an out and improvising some out of the world nonsense argument but what came out instead was:
"Like i want to rip my heart out of my chest, make a meal out of it and then eat it in silence. But you know what, I don't know how to cook so I'll probably need Buck to do it for me, which you know. Seems fitting."
He exhaled like the weight fell from his chest. Robby was playing with the string of his hoodie. Maddie huffed out a bit of laugh, not teasing - just a chuckle because it seemed like Eddie didn't realized what he just said.
"Wow, bit dramatic don't you think?"
Ok, I can push a little bit more - she thought to herself.
"Maddie..."
Eddie started but his voice broke because he actually didn't know what to say. He was torn, by everything and the person with whom he wanted to talk the most was the object of his turmoils.
"Ok ok, i'm just teasing. Why don't you tell him?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
Eddie closed off and puffed a bit of air onto Robbie's head to see how his few strands of hair float a bit. Maddie's expression softened and she put her hand over Robby's back. He was on the brink of falling asleep. Eddie looked up at her with a silent plea not to push this topic further and she nodded.
"Ok. Why don't you put Robby to bed. I'll turn off the baby monitor mic and you know. If there is something you need to talk about with someone but you're afraid we have an excellent therapist in the house."
Eddie tried speaking up but the words got caught in his throat so he just nodded and stood up from the couch going straight to the nursery.
Maddie clicked the off button on the baby monitor and stood up to reheat some of the leftovers for Eddie and Chim. Chim will be home any minute now.
In the nursery Eddie got into the rocking chair with Robby on his chest and started rocking slowly. His cheek slightly pressed on the top of his head.
"So, your uncle Buck is really using you as his therapist, hm? And to think that he lied to me saying that he actually got some real help. I mean, don't get offended. I'm not saying you're not helpfull but you know. You kinda don't respond."
He seems to think about something for a minute, eyes darting over the room, taking in the space themed nursery remembering when Christopher was this age and how he briiliantly screwed everything up. The tears start to sting so he shakes his head and continues talking.
"You know. Maybe this is even better. That you can't respond. You'll not judge me if I say something incredibly stupid or over the top. It's easier isn't it, to talk to someone you don't know or has not yet fully developed talking skills yet because if you do talk to someone who actually know you you might feel like the world is crumbling and then that person will see every fault you've ever made.
"I want to talk to your mom. He's the closest Buckley I can get to actually talking this through but I fear like she might kick me in the but or something. She's got that big sister look in her eyes. If your mommy and my sisters ever get together they would be unstoppable. They would beat Thanos in a heartbeat. Also, I don't know what to say to her because I'm afraid that this is the thing I think it is, you know?
"Of course you don't know. You're just a baby. The world has not yet burdened you with repression, toxic masculinity and the entirety of world burning down."
Eddie stays quet for a little while. Still making circles on baby's back and rocking carefully. His little weight on his chest is like a ball of warm light and he just want to cry. He inhales a few times then looks down at him.
"You are the luckiest litle baby in the world, you know that? Your mommy is incredibly smart and strong and funny and protective. Your dad might be goofy sometimes but he's the toughest nut out there. You brave the name of one of the greatest father figures we all had in our entire lifetimes. Your sister might bully you a bit at some point but she'll do it out of love. And your Uncle. Your Uncle Buck is like a sun that shines through. Every time I see him I feel like everything finally fell into place. Just before you were born I was in Texas, trying to... That's a long story, maybe I'll tell you another time. But, I was all alone back there.
"And Buck was always there for me on the phone, pushing me the right way on. Everytime we talked I felt this kind if ball of light inside my chest. Just like I feel you right now on top of me. But I felt that just from talking to him. And I hated every minute of every day when we droped the call. The house would go cold. My son wasn't with me for a while and I had a feeling the walls keep closing in on me. But there he was, on another line. Big ball of uncoordinated 6ft something of light with huge grin, bluest eyes and curliest hair.
"When your namesake ... You know... Dios, I can't even voice it now. (sniffle) When Bobby... When Bobby went away and I came back everything was different. And now I feel like I'm drowning. Like, he's here and I'm here and all I want to do is keep him close but... I don't know what changed or how to speak to him. I don't want another argument so I pull away.
"Hen keeps telling me that it's not the right way since we all know about Buck's RSD but I'm terrified. I want to tell him to hug me, to crush me with his whole body weight and never let me go. And I don't even know why. I mean, I might know but I'm still not ready to speak it into existence.
"And now he's going out on dates. And you know, good for him. I wish I could do something like that. Instead of feeling this paralized fear inside. And I don't even know how to define that fear. It's an all consuming fear of everything. That he might get injured on a call, or me, or any off the 118 family. The fear that Chris might run to Texas again. The fear that Buck will finally find someone worthwille before I gather enough courage to tell him that I ...
"I'm terrified. And I don't know what to do."
He put a featherlight kiss on top of Robby's head and then continued holding him in silence for few more minutes before he realized that his whole face was wet from tears. He got up and tried as softly as possible to put him into his crib. He felt jittery and knew that he'll start shaking in a minute. He needed to compose himself and get out of the house.
"Sweet dreams Robby. Your Uncle Eddie loves you."
He said quietly and slowly exited the room. He met Maddie in the hallway while she was softly closing the door on Jee's room. She had a quick look at him and immediately knew that something was wrong, but maybe the right kind of wrong, you know that feeling?
She looked at him with her deer eyes and Eddie asked in a small voice.
"Can you give me a hug?"
Maddie didn't even got to answer with words, she just pulled him in a tight big sister hug. Eddie sobbed silently for a minute when they heard the sound coming from the door.
Chimney came from the store.
He quickly detangled himself from Maddie and took a couple of deep breaths, pushing the palms of his hands to keep the tears at bay and then turned to the living room.
"Hey Eddie, didn't expect to see you here. You ..."
Chim stared to ask 'are you okay' but Maddie who was behind Eddie just waved her head to not ask any questions so he diverted:
"...you want to help me unload all the groceries? There is quite a bit."
"Yeah, Eddie go help him and I'll reheat the food for you two."
Eddie looked at her and she nodded towards Chimney in silent encouragement. He knows that both Maddie and Chimney were talking telephatically because he sure was not looking as he usually does, he imagines his eyes were as red as they go. But he was gratefull for the silent acknowledgement and not pushing it anymore.
"Yeah. Of course Chim. Lead the way."
They unloaded an ungodly amount of paper towels for some reason. Maddie just rolled her eyes at that while Chim was trying to justify his Costco decissions. When they finished repacking everything Maddie put some leftover lasagna in front of them, along with Eddie's glass of wine and Chim's beer. After the first bite Eddie thought he might start crying again.
"Is this?"
"Bobby's lasagna. Yes. Buck's been making it once a week. We keep trying to tell him that he might try something else but, we kinda don't mind."
Chim said in a soft voice his eyes finding Maddie across the table and taking her palm into his.
Eddie just nods his head and continues eating while trying not to internally combust from both feelings and taste buds which were signaling his head that this exactly tastes like Bobby's lasagna. Not just like it, but like the exact dish. Not a copy but a real thing. Like that the real life, living, breathing Bobby Nash will come around the corner with an apron and dishtowel over his shoulder smiling at them.
Few minutes later his phone buzzes in his pocket and he stands abruptly.
"Oh, shit it's Christopher."
He furrows his brows and starts typing frantically.
"Everything ok?" Chim asks.
"Um, yeah. I don't know. He's on a sleepover turned party with his friends but. Huh. He's asking me to go get him. Ok, this is weird. I need to leave. Thank you for food and Maddie... Thank you for tonight, really."
She squeezes his elbow and gets him in another hug, voice dropping just so he can hear her:
"You don't need to thank me. And everytime you need someone to or talk at, Robby and me are here to listen. Ok?"
He looks at her with tears in his eyes, nodds, then fist bumps Chim and then leaves for Christopher.
Maddie and Chimney wait for the doors to close then Chim goes around the kitchen table and pulls Maddie in a tight hug. They don't need to say anything. They know when things are for teasing and making fun off, but this wasn't that time. They are all still struggling and they just needed to be there for each other.
_
The next shift was pure chaos. A five alarm fire, a little too many close calls and the neverending calls after that. Eddie was sitting next to Hen, Buck on the other side opposite Ravi. Chim in the captain seat. Eddie was frantically texting on his phone while Hen was watching him worried.
"Christopher?"
"Yeah. He's still freaked out about the whole party thing. He's physically fine but you know, teenagers are just cruel man. And this is his first year of high school and I'm just afraid how they'll treat him."
"But you said that he did the right thing, he called the 911 when the girl fainted right?"
"Yeah, he did. But Hen, he was terrified. And scared that I'll be mad at him because he drank beer. I don't care about that."
"You also can't bubble wrap him Eddie, he's in a real world now."
"I know that. I'm just... Recently I've been terrified of everything and..."
His voice cracked and he stopped talking. They were all wearing headphones so they all heard the conversation, which he little too late figured out. Hen was looking at him sympatetically. He nodded then proceeded to glare through Hen's window. He could feel Buck shift in his seat and lean his thigh onto his but he couldn't dare look at him.
An hour later their shift was over and Eddie was sitting in silence on a bench in the locker room. He couldn't blink, he couldn't move. The weight of everything was all encompassing. He knows the signs, he's in therapy. But the shift had tired him and his brain was buzzing and his body was screaming but he couldn't speak up. Buck was long gone, talking with Ravi about going on frolf together after the shift. He tried making him go with them but he saw that Eddie was not in the mood so he didn't pressed.
Eddie inhaled deeply and tried focusing on his own hands which were looking anything but his hands. He felt like he was having an out of body experience. Chris was in school and he didn't have any plans. He was tired but not sleepy. He needed something to warm him up.
And look, Buck's been trying. He truly was but he was beating himself so high up that he didn't want to truble anyone anymore that he pushed everything down and reassured Buck that everything is ok. Just troubles with raising a teenager, nothing too world crumbling, he said.
Buck accepted it even though he saw in his eyes that he was deeply hurt that Eddie was not letting him in.
"Hey, wanna come over? Maddie's got a shift and we'll be all alone with Robby."
Chim knocked on the glass doors. Eddie looked up and, yeah. He needed a ball of light right now.
Half an hour later he was snuggling little Robby tightly onto his chest and trying to merge the little bundle of joy closer to him. Chim was doing some household chores and honestly, Eddie thinks that Maddie told Chim about the unsaid Robby therapist thing and he just quetly let Eddie watch over him while he did other things.
Eddie changed him, fed him, sang him a bit of a lullaby in Spanish and then put him in his crib. He couldn't speak to him. Not that he didn't want to but the words just couldn't come up. So he just laid on the fluffy rug with the little dinosaur plushie in his hand and after a while dosed to sleep.
Chimney was folding laundry watching Eddie sleep with his baby on a baby monitor and smiled a little when there was a weak knock followed by opening the door. The only person that would do that was of course.
"Hey."
Buck said almost at full voice but quieted when Chim put his finger over his mouth to shush him up. Buck tiptoed to Chim into the living room and put a box of donuts on the table rising an eyebrow in question. Chim pointed to the baby monitor and Buck's heart at the same time broke and filled with love.
"He's been using a page from your book Buckley. At some point I think the first word out of my baby's mouth will be either Eddie or Buck."
"How long has he been in there?"
"Since we came from shift. I kinda didn't want to let him go to his empty house. Wait, why are you here? Weren't you supposed to go with Ravi to that abomination of frissbee golf?"
"Yeah, we went but then the rest of his crew came and I was a little bit bored honestly and I thought..."
He pointed his finger onto the baby monitor and exhaled.
"Yeah, little Robert Nash continues the legacy of the big Robert Nash. The 118 therapist and safe space. You can go in you know. Just take some pillows and a blanket for Eddie. That rug is comfy but he'll get cold and his neck will hurt him when he wakes up."
Buck looked at Chim who was not teasing him, he was being honest and father like. Well duh, Buckley, Chim is a father himself? He thought to himself.
He nodded. Got up. Took off his jacked and shoes. Went to the linnen closet and took two pillows and a big comforter and tiptoed into the nursery.
He pressed a quick kiss onto Robby's head and then decended onto the floor next to Eddie. He carefully snuggled Eddie's head onto the soft pillow, Eddie moving his head comfortably when he felt the softness. Buck then pulled the comforter onto both of them, lied on his own pillow beside Eddie and watched him for a moment. The way Eddie's eyelashes flutter, the little rosiness on his cheeks and occasional frown in his forehead from something he was dreaming of. He wanted to smooth those furrowed lines but he satisfied only with watching him.
Eddie has been distant since he came back. And not on the work. He was briliant, he did everything by the book. His partnership with Hen was flourishing. It was so good that at some point Buck himself still overcoming his grief went into a full blown jealousy arc of huffing and puffing over that partnership.
And he knows he was being silly, they were just adjusting to the new rythm of the 118 but he couldn't help himself. After Tommy and Maddie he couldn't deny what was actually happening. He could push it down because Eddie was in Texas, he was not physically there so it was way easier to deny those feelings but when Eddie came back Buck felt like the entire world came crushing onto him.
And look, he was trying really hard not to be a classic bisexual cliche but, yeah. He loved him and Eddie was straight.
So he did what people usually do after a great loss and some crucial life changing revelations. He moved out of his best friend's house, found a house that deemed warm enough for a grown up, screwed his credit score a bit more. Decorated. Like full on hypefocus decorated. Arranged weekly hangouts with the Grants, cooking Bobby's favourites so that they could have a bit of normalcy these days. And yes, Athena never attended but the offer still stood. May couldn't wait to finish her last semester at college. Harry was oftentimes quieter than usual and up until a week ago he thought it was just normal young adult grief processing thing. The day he found out that Harry dropped out of high school Buck was both terrified and went into full power protective papa bear mode.
He knew Bobby would've wanted it.
He couldn't blame Athena for everything. And yes, she was blameable for some things but grief is not linear and she just got off track for a bit, Buck will be there to pick up the pieces until she comes back. He promissed Bobby as much.
So, he's been helping him. Buck was also nonlinear after high school, he shared his journey and talked through everything and bit by bit he thought that Harry would catch up. He is a smart kid, this was just a small bump in the road.
The thing with Eddie was that he never intended to drift off. And he didn't, they still hang out, weekly dinners. They worked together for christ sake but he couldn't look him too much in the eyes and then one thing led to another and Ravi, over with the whole 'Eddie Eddie Eddie' shit coming out of Buck's mouth suggested Buck to go onto a few dates. Nothing serious. Just to try to get it out.
He failed misserably. On his date with Paolo, he thinks that's what his name was, he only talked about Eddie that the dude thought Buck was trying to propose a threesome.
The second date he went on wasn't really a date. It was a hookup in a bathroom stall of some bar with a girl named Tricia. He hated himself for that because it reminded him of Buck 1.0 and his endavours with Taylor.
The third date was with Micah and everything was ok, they even went back to his home but in the morning he felt empty so he just left in the brink of dawn. It wasn't that the sex was bad, it was just that it wasn't with the right person.
Few weeks after that they were called onto a wedding emergency where the groom got stuck into some cannonball contraption for whichever reason and the gruesomest fact was that the bride and the groom were Tricia and Micah. Who, ofc immediatelly recognised him. Which lead to, yes. Drama.
He still remembers few hours after the call how Eddie went silent into the gym and forcibly made himself work to death. When Ravi and Buck joined him he stayed silent for a while.
"So, you really slept with both of them?" Ravi asked.
"Not at the same time. But yes. That is bad, huh."
"It depends, was it bad?" Eddie decided to join the conversation out of nowhere.
"Actually, it was kind of mindblowing," Buck said with a little smirk but then his face fell and he continued.
"But, I'm not that guy anymore. I don't want meaningless hookups and yet I got roped into this one night shenanigans for a bride and a groom before their wedding."
"And you didn't know either if them were getting married?" Ravi honestly asked while Eddie was working himself out on his squats.
"I mean, with Tricia was you know. A quickie in the bathroom and we were both drunk. But I went on a full on date with Micah and even went into his house, like. He never mentioned it and I'm just confused. Like, was that their night off so that they could have one fling before the wedding. I don't know."
"Yeah, that was pretty messed up," Ravi said.
Buck wanted to say something deep but instead decided to shove everything down again and seeing how Eddie was not blinking and pushing everything down himself he just went into the workout. They never mentioned that conversation again and from that day Buck has been lying on going to dates everytime he bolts the day off with the Diaz boys. He would stay in his house and cook various Bobby's recipes or sometimes even trying out some of Pepa's. No one needed to know how spectacularly miserable he was in getting over his friend.
_
So, now, lying beside his best friend and the love of his life he just wanted to curl Eddie up into his arms and never let go.
They were all grieving, and talking but not actually talking. They weren't angry, just quiet. The kind of grief that creeps into you and holds it's claws close.
Eddie stirred into his dream and shuffled closer to Buck mumbling some nonsense. Buck wanted to burst from emotions. But then Eddie seemed like he was in a nightmare and what Buck did next was pure instict.
He gently closed his palm around Eddie's wrist to shift them from clawing his face and angled him towards his chest slowly starting to craddle his head with fingers when Eddie plopped his head onto Buck's chest exhaling a little oompf.
And then he relaxed. A full body relax. Buck never saw Eddie in this kind of full body relaxation. Eddie was leaving little content nouses that strangely sounded like little purrs while Buck dragged his fingers through his hair. Finally himself falling asleep after a while.
Almost two hours later something waked him up from his sleep. It wasn't anything drastic, just something warm and content. Eddie was still wrapped around him but his breathing was different. He was awake, hm? Buck thought but didn't acknowledge it.
Eddie was moving his fingers ever so lightly across Buck's chest and belly over the smooth top of his t-shirt. Ever since he was a kid he always did that to calm himself, any soft surface would instantly calm himself after a while. He heard Buck's rapid heartbeat and knew he woke up but he didn't care. He was so comfy. And after a minute or two Buck started going through Eddie's hair again.
"You comfy?"
Buck said quetly after few minutes. Not judging, not anything. Just warm and present. Eddie nuzzled into Buck's chest and Buck wanted to spontaniously combust out of love. How could he find anything and anyone other than Eddie. No one has ever made him feel this way.
"You're cozy. And warm. Like a big ball of light. And I don't wanna let go."
"You don't have to. At least untill Robby wakes up."
At that Eddie finally realized where they were and he got up onto his elbow.
"Omg we are on your sister's nursery floor."
He said frightened. Buck was fondly looking into his eyes and with his free hand he pulled Eddie's slut strand out of his eyes. Eddie's other hand was still on Buck's chest. Right on top of his heart and Buck's hand was on top of his.
"That's fine. Chim knows we're here. He encouraged me to get all the pillows and blankets to make your first Nash family rug experience stiff neck free."
"How long have we been asleep?"
Buck reluctantly lets go of Eddie's hair and twists his wrist to see the time.
"An hour and a half maybe, two for you I guess."
He wondered what he should do with his hand, he wanted so badly to keep massaging Eddie's head. So, he said fuck it and did it. Eddie leaned into the touch, exhaled and nuzzled back again onto Buck's chest.
"I missed you."
"I miss you."
"I hugged your sister the other day."
"Yeah?"
Buck asked curiouslly, Maddie never told him.
"Mhm, I kinda broke down in front if Robby. Used him as a therapy session and then hugged the first Buckley that was in my vicinity."
"Damn. Where was I?"
He laughed trying to cheer up the situation. But Eddie said with small voice:
"On a date."
Buck's words fell into his throat. He couldn't breathe or speak. He just curled Eddie up tightly into his chest and kissed the top of his head.
"I... I wasn't on a date..."
Eddie took a breath like he wanted to say something but Buck cut him off.
"I... I wasn't. I have been lying to all of you. The last date I had was that scandalous soap opera hookup I had. After that I just lied about going on dates and just stayed at home and tried out different recipes from Bobby's and Pepa's cookbook. I don't want them. I never wanted to go on the apps or have meaningless hookups. I promissed Bobby that almost nine years ago."
Eddie just left out a silent 'hum' and continued caressing Buck's chest and belly, leaving him to continue the talk.
"I need to tell you something. And... And I've been terrifed to do so for almost nine months. And every time I try and talk to you I... I feel like I might crash and burn if I do ,so. So. I need you to please let me talk and don't interrupt me, ok?"
Eddie put his hand onto Buck's waist and holds him tighter. His pinky finger catching on a patch of warm Buck's skin. And just faintly noded.
"After you left for Texas I couldn't sleep in your house. I couldn't even unpack. I was the most patchetic little.. hm... I was not doing well. For few weeks I slept on Maddie's couch. Burnning your electric bill with baked goods and Ravi's ears about your silver star. So much so he actually cornered me with Tommy in a bar."
Eddie's hand stilled and he began breathing a bit more carefully. Fucking Kinard. Buck felt the tension in Eddie and brought his other arm on top of Eddie's forearm which was stretched across his belly. He traced his fingers over the tattoo on Eddie's hand.
"We hooked up, details not provided. And the morning after we imploded because... Because he implied that he was willing to try again because, and I quote - the competition was out of the way. And I went mad Eddie, not because he did want to start again but because he was adamant on you being gay and he wasn't even trying to hide it. And look, even if you are whatever you are it was not his nor anybody's business to out someone like that. I mean, I know you're straight and I told him so when he accused me of being in love with you but he did make assumptions which were out if the line. And I got mad. So mad. Like. Lawsuit era mad Eddie. And I said some things. And for a while I didn't even realized what I said. Then later that evening Maddie said that it wouldn't be so crazy for me to be in love with you and I still denied but, my reasons for not being in love with you were... Were non existent. You can be straight and I can still love you. Your sexual orientation is not dictating my feeling for you. And I... I told Tommy that I don't have to want to sleep with everyone I have feelings for and I don't have to have feelings with everyone I sleep with..."
Eddi huffed out a laugh. Buck tugged his hair a bit.
"... Yeah yeah, laugh all as you want. It was extremely shitty of me in retrospect. But not for the reason you think about, it was because I didn't realize that first part of the sentence. Because I have feelings for you. And it took Maddie comparing you with Abby and me living in your house for me to realize that I'm not completely normal about you, nor I ever was.
"So. I pushed it all down. You are straight. You were in Texas. You were physically away from me and at any given time when I felt like I might die from looking at you I can just decide to hang up on you, blame it on bad wifi. And then Bobby died, and there was the funeral, and we were fighting and...
"... And I didn't know what to do. I know you were trying to help me. To rouse me up because I was bordering on catatonic. And then you left again. Then came back with Chris and Pepa and then you were back for good and everything felt a bit too much.
"I couldn't ignore you like when you were in Texas. Ravi coaxed me into dates. And don't get me wrong, they were fine, you know. Proud to be bisexual and everything, the sex was great even..."
Eddie dug his nails into Buck's waist at that and Buck let out a mix of a small laugh and a moan and something he didn't even know how to name.
"... Ok, noted, less details. They were fine but they weren't you or Chris, and... I never told you this, but ages ago. We didn't even know each other back then. I was still a probie, Buck 1.0 and just started dating Abby. At that time her mom's Alzheimer's progressed and she snuck out off her house. We were searching for her for an entire day. Found her thankfully but at that point my twenty something brain caught up on the responsibility of being in a stable relationship. And I didn't know how to feel about that. So I went to Bobby for advice. Naturally.
"And, as you can imagine. He was all Bobby about it. But the thing he said was what stuck with me. He said that all those things that I feel when I'm with her: the closeness, intimacy, and trust, those things don't come for free. Any woman of substance and experience has lived a life, and she's going to come with some baggage and that if I want to be in a real relationship I need not to step up to fix her life but to stand by her, be in with her every step of the way.
"And don't get we wrong. I did that. She was my first real relationship. But then I never again did those things with my other relationships after her. Not with Ally, Taylor, Natalia or Tommy. I mean yeah, we had ok realtionships but I wasn't all in. But that entire time I was in with you. Every single thing Bobby once explained about being in a real relatioship with her I could apply to you, and even more so because we went through more shit together than I did with her.
"And that fact slapped me straight into face. I didn't know what to do. So, I kinda... Maybe... Used my little nephew over here as my unpaid therapist and now Chim and Maddie are seriously considering revoking my uncle visitation rights because they think little Robbie's first word might be your name.
"But i can't keep quiet anymore. I see how this silence is killing you. Killing us both. And I know you're straight and everything, but I had to say it. Because it was eating me alive. And I believe that our friendship is stronger to get us through this information more than it would get us through unspoken words and silence. So yeah, I love you. I'm in love with you and, yeah... There's that."
Buck exhaled like every word was a burden sitting on top of him for weeks and months, now completely evaporating from his very being. Eddie's eyes were full with tears and he didn't care that Buck could deffinitely feel the wet patch on his chest.
Then, he spoke, without lifting his head.
"The first time I knew I loved you was when you introduced me to Carla. And, I didn't know what that was. Was it love or affection or just pure annoyance because you were this big scandalous sunlight in a human form. You were annoying and carring and, when I was struggling the most with Chris and my life in general you didn't ask for anything. You hopped right in.
"Then Shannon died. And you and Chris got into a tsunami. And I went into my fight club era, and the lawsut. Then the well. Damn, we really couldn't catch a break, huh? Ok, I'm digressing. You were there every step of the way. And yes, I was angry and pissed and sad and mad and happy and delirious. Every single emotion you could think of I was that. A king of repression how my sisters like to call me.
"Then... Then you died Buck."
Buck held him tighter when Eddie's voice broke. He nuzzled into Buck's chest again and kissed slightly over his heart then continued talking while lying over the rythmic thump thump of a heartbeat.
"For 3 minutes and 17 seconds I thought... I thought... Not this again. Not another best friend who dies. Not another Shannon. I couldn't survived that. Chris wouldn't surrvive that. I was comparing you with my late wife Buck, that was not platonic at all. I counted seconds you were down. We got struck with the same lightning. For Christ's sakes you tried to dig me out of the ground with your bare hands and you crawled under the firetruck in an active gun shooting to save me.
"And yes, those were the big rom com moments in our relationship. But the smallest ones made my day to day to get better. The days you slept over, all ruffled from sleep making us pancakes in the morning. Yours and Chris's laughter at 7am while I'm still trying to wake myself up. Coffee you know exactly how I love. The way you always keep an extra pair of those fluffy socks into your duffle bag because you know I love to sleep in them when we get in after a rough call and we're on a two hour hold so we can sleep it off.
"And god, the way you light up when you start with your weekly hyperfixations, documentaries, info dumps. When I moved to Texas and all that stopped and I felt thrown out of place. I felt like I didn't just lose Christopher but I lost everything I built in the past decade. Family, friendship, you. I could never put you into any category.
"You were just you. My Buck. Chris's Buck. Our everything. And down the line I knew that my thought's are not so straight as I was trying to explain our relationship as platonic as I could. My sisters saw right through me. They never pushed me, we talked but I couldn't bring myself into it because I was terrified.
"I still am. Not by you. Never by you."
He felt Buck tense so he put another kiss on top of his heart and continued.
"When things change I try to control it. That's why I went onto hangging out with Hen, making a new routine with Chris. I was trying again to hold on for dear life but I couldn't because the only constant that kept me together the last time was you.
"And you were distant. And I was distant. We were... are... Still both in our heads. And I still don't know what I am. The label or whatever. It's too overwhelming thinking about that. But what I do know is that I love you. Am in love with you. And I don't care about lables. I loved Shannon and now I love you and that's all that matters.
"Also, I might've used your nephew to pour my heart out the other night. I guess that runs in our family. Instead of proper communication we burden our younglings with grown up problems. So, yeah. I'm scared. Terrified. Sad. Lonely. I miss you. And I love you so much that the other night I might've told Maddie that when you go on dates it feels like I ripped the heart of my chest, made a meal out of it and made myself eat it in silence."
"Ew."
"Gross, I know. I was being kinda dramatic."
At that he felt like his burden also dropped from his shoulders and he looked up at Buck proping his chin onto Buck's chest. The baby blue eyes were not blinking, and they were full with unshed tears.
"You love me?" Buck said.
"And you love me?"
"Did we just confessed our undying love in front of Bobby Junior? God, wherever Bobby is he's having a day watching over us."
They both started chuckling and Robby started shifting in his crib. They both looked over and saw that he was slowly waking up.
Eddie proped himself on his elbows, moved a single curl from Buck's forehead and droped a light kiss firs over his birthmark, then one eye, another one and a featherlight kiss over hiss lips.
"What do you say we feed Robby then leave to get Chris up from high school and go to the observatory or something? Then go to the taco place we all love and go back home? You can stay over, and you know - we'll go from there. One step at the time, together."
"Together."
Buck said picking up his pinky finger and stretching it out to Eddie. They did the pinky swear and got up. Eddie held up Robbie and Buck couldn't drop his gaze from Eddie.
"I'm gonna kiss you and you need to try not to drop my nephew on the floor, ok?"
Buck said closing the distance over to Eddie and Robbie. Eddie just smiled and nodded. The kiss was like coming home, or you know the mornings when you wake up and your alarm still hasn't gone off and the warm light is entering through the curtains at just the right angle and you feel like a cat on a floor absorbing sunlight and you don't want to move because you're still half asleep, nothing hurts, your mind is fully quiet and it feels like everything is right where it is supposed to be.
That was what kissing Buck felt like and Eddie couldn't wait for the rest of their life to do it over and over again.