Work Text:
“Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can’t survive without.”
When he’d said it - even in my confused state - I thought it had been an odd thing to think about a person you claimed to love. Calculating and cold. Not at all like the Katniss I was trying so hard to believe was real in quiet moments through the shiny memories fighting to come to the surface. But now the idea had taken root in my mind - the seed planted when she had a particularly bad week with nightmares and would sprint across the grass in her nightdress in the middle of the night to crawl into my bed for comfort.
Whoever she thinks she can’t survive without… It grew when we’d sat huddled on the couch and watched the Capitol broadcast about district reconstruction and Gale’s tall, dark form had come under focus, speaking in his new short soldierly manner about the plans for law enforcement that would be governed by the districts. At the sight of him, she had put on a spectacular scowl, popped up off the couch and slammed the door to her room, refusing to come out for the rest of the night.
She’ll choose whoever she can’t survive without…
Then finally, what had sealed the deal was when she finally did lift onto her tip toes to kiss me after returning home from a walk where we were caught in the rain, fits of laughter bubbling between us as we dried off. , She had leaned in close to dry my face and then - suddenly her lips were on mine.
Despite my best efforts, the pull of her kiss overwhelmed me and I responded with enthusiasm, my arms immediately wrapping her close, my hands gliding up her sides and landing at her neck where - bam. A flash so jarring I stumbled back. My fingers around her neck - the unforgivable thing of my hands crushing her in my crazed state. No. No, I can’t do this. The what ifs and the insecurities shouting in my mind to one end - this cannot be. Gale’s hushed tone in the middle of the night “Katniss will choose whoever she can’t survive without…” my mothers harsh hiss “stupid boy,” president snows sardonic laughter… I wanted to be her everything but I wasn’t - I was the only option. The only constant place to land, not a choice, a concession.
“Katniss!” I’d gasped, I tried to look at her but the look of disappointment and longing in her eyes was too much. “Katniss.” I breathed, more steadily. “We need to talk…” She settled on the couch, eyes wide, where we normally sat together to watch TV or work on our memory book, but I choose to sit across the room in an armchair that’s usually only ever occupied when Haymitch comes out of his stupor long enough to drop by.
“Listen, Katniss, I…well you know, how I feel about you. I care about you so much - and I’m here for you, but -“
“What are you doing?” She’d asked, looking at me as if I’d just pulled a weapon on her.
“Katniss, please. Sit. I just think, we’ve been through so much over the past two years. I want to be sure - I want you to…be sure, this is what you really want.”
“And I can’t decide that for myself?” She’d said incredulously, eyes narrowing.
“Come on,” I plead “please don’t be like that. That’s not what I mean - that’s not what I’m saying. I just think, we take a little time. You could, spend time with someone else and just - see how you feel?”
“Spend time with someone else?” She’d said in disbelief. “Peeta this is crazy - I know, I…I only ever wanted…” shaking her head as if trying to clear it, always so clumsy with expressing what’s in her heart so I pressed my advantage.
“I’m not saying forever, Katniss.” The shock is still fixed on her face and my voice came in a whisper as I took her hands in mine, the familiar tingling of our touch betraying the sentiment of my words.
“You know what I want this ending to be - but I’m worried, if we really jump into this thing now - without at least taking some time apart, it will just be…not real. I’ll always be wondering if I was just the only option, or if this is what you really wanted.”
The anger had sapped from her body at my words and her shoulders had drooped in defeat.
“Please don’t do this,” she’d whispered. I stood and drew her close again in a quick squeeze then backed away, holding tight to her arms and leaning to look into her eyes.
“Katniss, whatever happens between us I will always be here for you, I promise you that.” And we’re were so close that I couldn’t help but stroke her cheek with my thumb as I looked into her eyes.
“I want to be with you, I just want you to be sure it’s the right thing too, okay?” She shook me off and turned away to wipe a tear that had escaped from her eye.
“So,” she said coldly, still facing away from me. “How long am I supposed to indulge in this little experiment? What exactly are the rules?”
“I don’t -“ I stumbled, caught off guard by how quickly her walls went up again - but I steady myself with a deep breath. I know this is for the best.
“I don’t have any rules, Katniss. Just - we spend a little more time apart. Make some new friends. Just - be. Without all the madness. Be 18 for a few weeks.” She scoffs.
“Fine. Whatever you say…” she crosses her arms. “Guess I’ll see you around, neighbour?” She practically spits at me and swings open the front door, inviting me to leave. I deflate at the hurt in her eyes and reach to brush her hair back and plant a kiss on her hairline for which she remains stony faced.
“This is for the best, I promise. If you need me…I’ll…” but I don’t know what I’m trying to say anymore and my resolve is crumbling under her pitiful frown so I just turn to go.
My determination is tested pretty quickly, as the next night I’m woken by the sound of her screams coming from across the cul du sac. I peer out my window to see she’s opened her window wide despite the frosty night. No, I say to myself. This is for the best. We need to do this - I need her to do this. But it becomes a lonely few weeks - I’ve begun baking for the few hundred people who have returned to 12 which keeps me busy but I miss her desperately. Well - this little experiment as she called it wasn’t to figure out how I feel, this is for her, I remind myself daily.
When we do cross paths, I try to catch her eye with a gentle smile but she just stalks past angrily, giving me the cold shoulder.
When I’m waiting for more ingredients and supplies from the mid-afternoon train about a week later I hear her laugh and swing around to see her coming out of the woods with two men I recognize from the Seam - one was in our class growing up and the other maybe a little older. They flank her on either side, both looking flushed and are taking her in a little too hungrily for my liking. I know more people have been going into the woods now and she’s been teaching people to hunt and forage. I notice both men have game bags full and one seems to even be carrying Katniss’s bag for her. I feel my heart rate quicken and I want to abandon my cart and run to steal her away. To shove off those assholes and tell them to stop leering at her and leave us alone. But I force myself to turn away, stare at the provisions and walk methodically back.
They veer off to the market in the square so I get home before her, but then - damn those open windows - I hear their treads coming up the gravel path and his voice carries across the circle.
“Well, thanks again for the bow Katniss. I never thought I’d be able to take down a rabbit like that. Feels good…”
Her voice is softer so I don’t hear her response, plus I’m busy mimicking the guy in a mocking tone. “Oh thank you Katniss, you’re so cooool Katniss…fucker”
I pull some dough from the fridge and begin to work it with vigour. This is the right thing. It’s the right thing. It is the right thing, right?
“See you tomorrow?” I hear him say.
“Sounds good!” She calls.
Fuck. What have I done?
Over the next week, I see the taller of the two men from the woods stopping by and picking her up to go into the woods every other day. He arrives earlier and earlier and when I’m meeting with Tom about the bakery rebuild I see them strolling around town before disappearing into the woods. When I drop off the loaves to Greasy Sae I see them sharing a bowl of stew on a bench by where Sae’s set up her booth. Fuck fuck fuck.
A few days later when I’m hanging laundry out on my porch to dry, Haymitch comes stumbling out of his front door, and is limping towards the pathway to town. When Katniss and the guy (I refuse to learn his name) come up the lane Haymitch stops short and crinkles his face in confusion. He looks back at me and stalks over. “What the fuck is going on there?” He says in a carrying whisper. “Another one of my brilliant ideas” I mutter, annoyed. He just responds with a howl of laughter. “You idiot…” he says. When he’s finally calmed down, he shakes his head again then walks off, letting out the occasional bark of laughter until he’s out of sight.
Katniss looks after him bewildered, though her companion seems too occupied with staring at her to notice. She looks across at me and I just shrug half heartedly before betraying a frown and turning in. I really don’t want to see them kiss goodnight…
The next night I try to count back the days and remember how long it’s been since we had the stupidest conversation I’ve ever devised. It’s been about two weeks - what had I said when she asked about the rules? A few? Two is kind of like a few right? I could pop over today just to say hi…I really should check in anyway. It’s what a friend would do. And it’s definitely what someone who really wants to be more than a friend but let stupid insecurities overwhelm him would do. So I’m confident in my decision when I choose to walk across the village and knock on her door the next afternoon - that is, until she answers with a scowl and a challenging look.
“Um, hi…” I say awkwardly. She just stares and shrugs as if to say “well? What do you want?”
“Just - I wanted to see… Um…” fuck. Why am I here again? Get her back. Right. Get Katniss back, you idiot. I take a deep breath and start again. “I just wanted to see how you are doing. I’ve…” I was about to say missed you but she cuts me off with a derisive huff and crosses her arms.
“Katniss…” I plead, trying not to grin at how adorable she looks scowling down and me, eyes narrowed.
I take another breath to try to regroup, taking my eyes off her and staring back at my empty house. I decide to try a new tack - risky, considering her current mood, but I can’t be any worse off then I already am. I step up onto the porch and draw myself to full height above her.
“You’re Katniss, right? Katniss Everdeen?” I say pleasantly, sticking my hand out to shake her hand. Her eyebrow raises but I can see the hint of a smile so I drop my hand and proceed.
“Listen, I’ve really admired you for a long time now - I would love to make dinner for you tonight. Are you free?” Her head falls sideways and she just peers at me in confusion.
“What are you doing?” She asks, still with an edge of accusation.
I’m really pressing my luck now, because I lean in close and whisper in her ear “well, I said I wanted you to really choose this for yourself - I figure in order to make a choice - you’ll need to fully consider your options…” I can see I’ve got her. The blush creeping across her cheeks and she’s working hard to maintain a solemn expression.
“Consider my options, huh?”
“That’s right, with a…clear mind. Maybe make some kind of for and against list?” I say with an exaggerated nod and a foolish grin. Her own grin has started to win over the scowl and the corner of her lips tilt up.
“Would seven work for you?” I ask, leaning in the door frame causing her to take a half step back and trying not to sound too cocky as I notice the eagerness that’s overcome her body language.
“Oh alright!” She concedes before closing the door in my face.
I’m still feeling pretty good about the whole plan, by 6:30 the house is clean, food prepped and ready and I’ve showered and am wearing something somewhat presentable. I try to wait patiently but I can’t help myself from pacing the living room and peering out the front window to see if she’s on her way - But when I spot her, my heart twists. I know I’m in trouble when I see her marching over from Haymitch’s instead of her own home carrying a crumpled paper in her hand. I get to the door just in time to open it before she storms through and right into the kitchen.
“Katniss?”
“Okay.” She says with finality, smoothing out the crumpled piece of paper on the kitchen table and not meeting my eye. “Now…”
“Katniss, what’s going on?”
“No!” She says firmly, raising her finger at me in warning, refusing to look me in the eye. “You’ve done enough talking. It’s my turn to talk. And I have my notes so you’re not going to distract me again.”
“Your notes?” “Yes. My notes.” I am losing the fight to keep my expression serious because I’ve never been more in love with this woman. She takes a deep breath and fixes her eyes on the notes.
“Peeta - while I appreciate your concern for my choice of who to spend my time with, what you did was condescending and hurtful.” Her voice squeaks at the last word and my heart melts. “I know.” I say, sliding into the chair next to her and allowing her a minute to compose herself.
“I’m sorry Katniss, I didn’t mean it that way. I just - I’m afraid that all we’ve been through - it’s made it so - I don’t know, like I’m the only option. Not a choice. Like we have to be together because of all the trauma and shit we’ve been through.”
I look up, hoping to see her soften but a hardened look has overcome her features again.
“All the shit we’ve been through?! Exactly, Peeta. We! You think, what? I’m going to go to bed with someone else and wake up screaming beside them and they’ll know what to do like you do? You think I’m going to just explain every trigger and fear that you already know?” She lets out a growl of frustration and stands to begin pacing. “Peeta - this trauma is a part of me and it’s a part of you. Of course it brings us together but it’s also torn us apart so many times I couldn’t count them - and still, well look at us? Both still here.” She steels herself again, swallowing hard and forcing herself to continue. “The trauma, all the things I have to do now just to get through the day, all the ways I’m broken and scarred and fucked up - they’re a part of me. A part of me the same way my singing voice or my ability to shoot or how I hate squash is. And I hate it sometimes. I hate who I am because of this some days - but all these things - they make me, me! Of course that’s part of why I want you! I hope it’s part of why you want me - If I didn't go through all this, I’d be someone else. And I don’t want you to want someone else. I want you because of all of it but also because you’ve always been…”
My eyes are wide and I don’t dare interrupt or turn away or breath because I’m hanging onto every word like shelter in a storm.
“It’s just,” she stumbles “it’s always been you, Peeta.” She ends softly, fully blushing now with this confession.
I don’t know what to say so I just stand and open my arms for her - she immediately responds, burying her face in my chest and squeezing me close as if she never wants to let go. I feel her body relax into me as my heart bursts with elation. I want to tell her I’m sorry again and I’ll never let her go and that I understand and that I love her but I know she’s probably reached her tipping point for emotional drama so I only say “So that’s what your notes said - because if so, I’m going to need to frame those.”
She snorts out a laugh and pulls away. “Well, Haymitch said just to kiss you and be done with it.” I can tell she’s trying to project confidence with this statement, her nose in the air and eyes determinedly staring into mine, but the blushing betrays her and I can’t help but break into a wide smile.
I step back towards her as I say “how ridiculous of him…” We are too close now and she subconsciously rocks her feet forward to lean in.
“…That would never have worked” my voice comes out in a whisper and I know she can tell it would have really really worked because if it feels like if I wait another second without her lips on mine I may die of thirst.
“Well, it didn’t go great for me last ti-“
And I can’t let her finish because all I want now is to close the distance, to hold this woman and never ever let go. Our lips meet and all reservations and fear seem to melt off of me in an instant. This is real