Chapter Text
September 2014
Every time Josh went into a store that sold plushies he would pass that aisle. Just to see the different kinds that were there, to softly stroke a few. To feel the soft fur slide between his fingers imagining how it would feel like to hold onto it. Never in his life has he had a plushie before, it would have been allowed one but he never knew he wanted one.
In general Josh had a hard time knowing what he needed or wanted. He never learned he was allowed to want anything so he shoved those needs so deep inside until he didn’t even know what it felt like. In recent years it had gotten a bit better with Tyler by his side. His boyfriend had always looked out for Josh making sure he knew his wants and needs were important. However it’s hard to believe that when his mom or dad hadn’t thought of listening to him for all the 25 years he had been alive.
It was a few days before Tyler and Josh were about to leave for their Quiet is Violent tour and the boys were out doing some last minute shopping. ‘Dude, just one more store to go and then we can go home and cuddle’ Tyler said with a sigh.
This shopping trip had turned out to take a lot longer than anticipated and both boys were ready to get home and relax for a few hours after the last few weeks had been crazy hectic. Rehearsing the tour and making sure everything was set in motion and was done correctly which had led the boys to be exhausted and stressed.
‘Mmmh yeah babe’ Josh muttered, already half asleep in the passenger seat. He’d been sleeping badly the past few days, a combination of stress pre-tour nervousness and knowing he wouldn't be able to sleep with Tyler every evening. In the early days when they still traveled in the van he would be able to cuddle up to Tyler and feel safe and loved before falling asleep. Now being signed to a label they were able to afford a tour bus but that meant bunks and no way to actually sleep together.
Some days he would crawl into Tyler's bunk and hold his boyfriend until he fell asleep. Then he would slip out and get into his own bunk and have a hard time falling asleep but he would never tell Tyler that. He knows how difficult it is to fall asleep for his love and how much it affects his mental health when he doesn’t get enough hours. So he kept his mouth shut and suffered through the sleeplessness that his anxiety causes.
The car suddenly falls quiet as Tyler turns off the engine having arrived at the store. ‘My love, I'm just going in and grabbing some toothpaste, brushes and stuff. Do you want to stay here in the car and nap a bit, you look exhausted?’ Tyler asked, rubbing his hand softly over Josh’s leg. ‘No, I'll come with you, we can take a nap when we get home’ Josh yawned whilst unclipping his seatbelt.
Grabbing a hold of Josh’s hand the pair walked into the store and straight to the hygiene section. Tyler was very particular about his toothpaste and had used the same one for the last twenty years and stocked up when they went on tour.
Whilst normally Tyler was able to find the items with his eyes closed this time it was a challenge. The store recently changed their layout and Tyler could not find his much wanted toothpaste. Josh was starting to get bored and started to wander the store, something Tyler was very used to.
One time Tyler even had to ask for Josh’s name to be announced on the tannoy in the store because he could not find his boyfriend. Like a father who had lost his child.
Like always Josh found himself in the kids aisle where all the stuffed animals and plushies lived. A light brown bunny with long ears caught his attention and he grabbed it from the shelf.
It’s fur was incredibly soft when he stroked it with his hand. He could imagine holding it at night and burrowing his face into the soft belly. He wanted to rub his cheek against it but thought that would be very inappropriate for a grown man to do. It felt like it was calling out his name and asking him to be bought. Whilst they were signed to a label and had enough money to live comfortably it never occurred to him he could just buy it. It felt like he wasn’t allowed to want something so frivolous. Something only a child needs, because why would it be in the children's toy section.
With one last stroke of the bunny’s belly he put it back on the shelf and started wandering the aisle again. Deep down he knew he would think of the plushie for a few days but the feeling would go away again eventually.
Suddenly he felt a pair of strong arms wrapping around his waist ‘Found what I needed, lets go home and nap’ he felt the hair on his neck move with Tyler's breath.
‘Did you manage to find your special toothpaste?’ he teased Tyler, rubbing his hands along Tyler’s arms which were still wrapped around him.
‘Yes I did, you dick, you know I find all the others too spicy’ his boyfriend said, pinching his waist before grabbing his hand and walking to the front of the store to pay.
Josh gets into the passenger seat and starts scrolling his playlists trying to figure out what he wants to listen to. Just as he settles on Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie his door opens again.
‘I’ve got to go back. I grabbed one peppermint tube and you know I hate that one,’ Tyler grumbled, gave Josh a quick kiss on the head before closing the door and quickly jogging back to the store, bag still in his hand. It had all happened so quickly that Josh couldn't even utter that we would just use that one even though he also didn't love it.
Josh scrolled through the group chat with Mark and answered some messages from the crew trying to fix things last minute. Not long after he hears the car boot slam and realised he’d been daydreaming or if he was being honoured with himself dissociating to keep his anxiety at bay.
‘What's the album of choice this time babe?’ Tyler asks whilst starting the car. The opening notes of ‘The New Year’ start playing and a soft smile appears on both their faces. ‘Brings me back to that first year of being boyfriends’ Josh says softly grabbing Tyler's hand. His boyfriend softly carcasses his knuckles. 'It was a lot of fun and hard work but I’m glad we got a tour bus now.’
Josh can feel himself stiffen for a moment, he knows Tyler probably didn't mean it like that. That he was glad they don’t have to sleep in the back of the van anymore, up but it still felt like a rejection.
Thirty minutes later they have put all the shopping away and Tyler is ready on the couch for a cuddle and afternoon nap when Josh walks by and drops a kiss on his forhead. ‘I’m going to play drums for a bit love. You have a good nap tho.’
Tyler quickly grabs his wrist and pulls him on the couch ‘no you are not, you know the whole setlist inside out and no offence babe, but you look like you could use a nap. Come here, I'll let you be little spoon.’
A week later and with the first two shows in The LC Pavillion done it was time to get onto their tour bus. Josh has been more anxious about this than opening night of the tour. He knows that he is in for weeks of bone deep exhaustion, a combination of tour, traveling, his anxiety and not being able to sleep with Tyler right next to him.
The tour bus was picking them up from their house and Josh had felt like he wanted to jump out of his skin for the last few hours. He has checked his luggage three times in the last hour and made sure the fridge really was empty. Like always Tyler was busy calling the crew making sure all the gear was on loaded on the trucks and on their way to Philadelphia.
Forty minutes later the bus pulls up in front of the house and the boys quickly lock up the house before they board the bus. Mark has already been picked up but his luggage is still in the tiny corridor. ‘Morning lovebirds I'll let you have the first pick of the bunks. I wouldn't want to separate you two and have to hear you flirt with me inbetween’ Mark chuckled.
‘I’m taking the middle bunk’ Tyler yelled before running to the back of the bus to claim him spot. Josh slowly walked there ‘where do you want me Ty?’
‘My love, what did we talk about it’s not about what I want it’s where you feel the safest’ Tyler had lowered his voice and wrapped him up in a hug. ‘You can take your time to decide where you want to sleep. Want to do some breathing exercises together? I noticed how anxious you are and I'm sorry I was busy with sorting stuff.’
‘I should be able to handle it myself tho’ Josh whispered.
Tyler squeezed him a bit tighter ‘you never have to do it alone again my love. I will always be here for you. Let's cuddle in my bunk for a bit and just breathe, Mark can entertain himself.’
Josh gets into the bunk first and Tyler follows him pulls the curtain closed plunging them in darkness. Josh feels Tyler's chest pressed up against his back and his arm comes around. ‘Just breathe my love, follow my lead, no need to think about it, just feel’ Tyler whispers in his ear.
A tear slips down Josh’s face and his breath shudders. ‘It’s okay let it out’ his boyfriend just tightens his hold.
Fifteen minutes later Josh feels better again and turns to face his boyfriend. ‘I think I want to be middle bunk on the other side so I can see you.’
‘Can’t go without seeing my beautiful face all night’ Tylers wiggles his eyebrows.
‘Shut up you dork. Let’s go and see Mark or he might think we are making out’.
Josh lets out a laugh and both boys climb out. Tyler gives Josh a kiss ‘I’m just gonna unpack quickly you go and see Mark.’
The next few hours consist of picking up Michael and Shap and hanging out with them all. They only just seen each other but they have a chance to be just friends and not colleagues just for a little while. Discussing the best cereal to get for the tour bus, playing video games and chatting about their lives in general outside of the tour.
Josh starts off just sitting next to Mark but over the hours and the miles traveled he shifted closer and closer to his boyfriend. Wanting to be close to him when he knows they will be too busy to cuddle as much as he wants over the coming weeks. In the end he is cuddled up into Ty’s side with his legs slung over his lap. A soft hand is stroking his back and arm which sends him to sleep.
An hour later he is woken up by soft kisses on his hair as the bus comes to a stop. ‘Wake up sleepy head, we are gonna grab some food before we park up for the night’ is whispered into his hair.
Even the thought of parking up sends a wave of anxiety crashing through Josh, but he tries to play it off. With a groan he stands up and stretches his body, stiff from the definitely not optimal way of having a nap.
Dinner was just some pizza but Josh could feel his anxiety steadily rising. His knee kept bouncing up and down, he almost couldn’t eat and he wanted to jump out of his skin. He tried to keep it under wraps but Tyler immediately clocked him asking what was wrong with just a look. ‘Nothing, just excited for the tour to really start’ he said with a fake smile.
Back on the bus they only had a short drive before they got to their rest stop for the night. All the guys decided to do some work to see if everything was ready for the next show. Not before long everyone was on their laptops and Josh knew he could do stuff. A few transitions between songs had to be smoothed out and he knew exactly what it needed but his concentration was shot so he just pretended to be busy.
In all honesty inside his head he was waging a war, he knew he should just tell Tyler what was going on but he couldn’t. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust his boyfriend or that he was scared that he was crazy, it was his own thing. Never in his life had he experienced unconditional love before he met Tyler. He always had to take care of himself and figure things out. His parents never noticed when he was struggling so he never learned how to ask for help. Deep down he knew he could only trust himself, and even that wasn’t true half the time.
Around 11pm Josh was starting to fall asleep on Tyler's shoulder when his boyfriend suddenly announced he was going to bed. ‘Come with me and let’s cuddle properly’ whispered Tyler in his ear.
Both of them stood up and began walking to the back of the bus when Michael yelled ‘No sex on the bus, we all know how that ended last time. I don’t want to hear you moaning each other's names to be something I ever hear again.’
All Tyler did was throw up his middle finger and say ‘You are just jealous your girlfriend isn’t on tour.’
With their teeth brushed and pyjama pants on they crawl into Tyler’s bunk. This time Tyler went in first just so that it was easier for Josh to get out later. Two adult men in a bunk was a tight squeeze so they were forced to cuddle close, which neither of them minded but it did make for very uncomfortable sleeping which was why they had to use separate bunks.
Some lazy kisses were exchanged but to Josh’s surprise Tyler was actually tired and fell asleep quite soon after. Which left Josh just the option of going to his own bunk so that his boyfriend could get a good night's sleep before the craziness of tour life was really starting.
He pulled the curtain open and slipped out of Tyler’s hold before closing the curtain again but he left it open just a tiny bit. Just so that he could see Ty’s hair when he was in his own bunk. The tiniest bit of comfort he could get when it felt miles away.
Opening his own curtain and pulling back the comforter he suddenly was met with the face of the bunny he had seen in the shop just a little over a week ago. A little sticky note was on his tummy “Can I please be your new cuddle buddy” in handwriting that was seared into his memory.
He didn’t know how or when his boyfriend had done this but he was flooded with feelings. Not wanting the others to see him like that quickly got into his bunk and closed the curtain. Tears burned in his eyes, damn it he was not going to cry over this. He pushed his face into its belly and took a deep breath. His breath stilled because it smelled just like his boyfriend.
Not post show freshly showered Tyler or his cologne or when they have been in the studio for hours but his boyfriend. The boy he loves so much that smells of their laundry detergent and something so him. A little piece of his love right next to him.
Quickly after the shame hits him like a ton of bricks making his chest feel tight and the air in his lungs feels too much and too little at the same time.
He should not need a plushie or any comfort, he does not deserve it. All rational leaves his head and his thoughts start to spiral. How Tyler thinks he is a child and how he can’t fix his own shit. Being a grown man he should be able to figure it all out on his own, he had done that his whole life so he needs to be able to still do it. He just needs to get his shit together, bury all these thoughts deep down and keep pushing. He’s afraid of losing Tyler, the band, all of it if the shows how fucked up his head actually is.
Yes their career is entirely based on the fact that they both have some struggles but it’s mostly Tyler's the fans get to see. He would never be ashamed of Tyler and his struggles but his own problems are different.
Josh doesn’t deserve to even look at Tyler's sleeping face so he turns to face the wall of the bus. His fingers softly stroke his bunny even if it feels so wrong to do it. He is so tired but he just cannot fall asleep because of his anxiety which pulls him down in a vicious spiral. He’s too anxious to fall asleep which makes his insomnia worse and then his anxiety gets worse. He tries everything breathing exercises, white noise even listening to old interviews Tyler did just to hear his voice but nothing works.
At 3am Tyler wakes up shivering, not having his personal heater next to him. It’s blissfully quiet on the bus and he turns around and burrows under his blanket. Just as he is about to fall asleep he hears it, a quiet sniffle nobody else would even hear but he knows so well. His boyfriend only makes that noise when he is crying but not wanting to let anyone know. He throws his blanket off and quickly gets out of his bunk. He tries to be as quiet as he can not wanting to disturb or alarm the others.
Tyler opens the curtain of Josh’s bunk and his heart breaks. His boyfriend is curled up trying to make himself as small as possible, his shoulders shaking with the effort of trying to keep his feelings inside. He knows Josh isn’t asleep but he doesn’t get any acknowledgement that he was heard. He flips the covers open and slips in behind his boyfriend and holds him close.
Josh feels the mattress dip and arms coming around him and let’s out a soft ‘fuck’. His body wants to be comforted and held but his mind is screaming at him that he doesn’t deserve it. He takes a few deep breaths forcing his tears to stop flowing and pretend he is asleep.
‘Love, come on you don’t need to do this with me’ Tyler murmurs in his ear whilst softly stroking his arm.
Josh just lets out a noise still trying to pretend to be asleep.
‘I know you’re not asleep. It’s just me, okay, you don’t have to push it down.’
However Josh is so embarrassed about the bunny, his reaction, his boyfriend finding him like this. ‘ Everything is fine Ty, just go back to your bunk and sleep. We have a show tomorrow’ it comes out more snappy then he meant but can’t help himself.
‘I’m not leaving, you don’t have to do this alone even if you can’t believe me right now. We will talk tomorrow but let’s just sleep for now’.
Josh feels Tyler shift a bit and the soft sound of rain fills his bunk. He is pulled closer into a soft and warm chest. ‘Sleep baby, nights are always the darkest but tomorrow will be a new day.’
Fifteen minutes later Josh has finally fallen asleep but Tyler still thinks about what could have caused this much upset. Now was not the time to push Josh but tomorrow he will find out what is going on.
The next day Josh wakes up alone and he panics. He knew Tyler would leave him eventually when he found out what a mess his brain is but it still hurts like hell. Five minutes later he hears the sound of the bus door slamming shut and he thinks he is finally alone. He decides he will stay in his bunk for the rest of the day, play the show and then disappear. He can’t be a burden on anyone else. They have the stems of the drums from the album so Tyler could just use those during the show.
Suddenly his curtain is pulled open and his boyfriend or maybe his ex boyfriend stands there.
‘I got you some coffee, let’s go sit in the lounge.’
For a second he contemplates not getting out of the bunk but he knows Tyler will drag him out of there and he would rather not faceplant the floor. Even if it would reflect how his head feels inside.
Tyler is already on the couch and pulls Josh into his side.
‘I know you don’t want to talk about it but I can see the war that is going on inside your head my love. Please let me in and help you, you don’t have to do it alone anymore. You can lean on me and we will try to find a solution together.’
Josh is so embarrassed that he can’t even look at his boyfriend and starts to turn away. ‘I can’t do this.’
‘You can because you are so strong. I know you had to do it alone for so many years but remember I am here now. Can you tell me what is going on or do you want me to ask you some questions?’
‘Questions please’ Josh mumbles softly as he drags his hands over his face. He doesn’t want to talk at all but he knows Ty won’t let him get away with that.
‘Okay my love but let's sit down properly first’ Tyler shifted so that he could pull Josh into his chest. This way he could get him close but Josh wouldn’t have to look at him.
‘Firstly know I love you so so much and this won’t ever change that’ Tyler whispered in Josh’s ear.
‘I love you too Ty.’
‘So, was what happened during dinner yesterday about the same thing as last night?’
‘Yes and no.’ Josh started playing with his cuticles trying to find something to pull on. Tyler just stayed silent knowing Josh would start talking more if he gave him the room. He did however lace their fingers together to stop Josh from hurting himself.
‘I- I don’t know how to tell you what is going on. I want to so badly but every time I open my mouth to tell you it feels like I am being suffocated. I should just be able to fix my own problems and not need you to do that for me. I’m 25, I should be able to sleep on my own and not need my boyfriend. I slept on my own before we were a thing.’ Josh’s breath started to quicken and his anxiety was spiking again.
‘Slow down, follow my breathing. In and out. That's it, keep going.’ Tyler pulled him closer giving him some deep pressure knowing it makes him feel safe.
‘We have been sleeping in the same bed for almost four years. Of course you sleep better, all cuddled up. I know I do and not just because you are my own personal heater. My mind quietens down when I’m near you and that makes me able to fall asleep’ Tyler lets him in.
A sob leaves Josh ‘I just got so anxious about not sleeping with you that I'm kinda afraid to even try because I just know I will lay there awake spiraling which makes me more anxious and even less able to fall asleep. I know in just a few days we will be so bone tired to even cuddle before bed because you will just fall asleep immediately and then I have to go back to my bunk. And last night I got into my bunk to find that bunny and that made it so much worse.’
Tyler's breath hitches ‘I never never wanted you to make you feel bad babe. I just noticed a few times you would always end up in the plushie section of the store and hold them like you really wanted one. But you always put them back and never bought one. Remember when last week I got the wrong tube of toothpaste?’ Josh nods. ‘I actually didn’t but I went back to get that bunny. It looked like it was perfect for you and it felt so soft. I wore it under my shirt when you were out with Mark so it would hopefully smell nice and help you sleep.’
‘I did want him, or I do but what 25 year old adult wants a plushie. I never even had one as a kid when it’s normal to have one. I shouldn’t have to rely on something so stupid.‘
‘Who cares about normal and I think you will find a lot of adults actually still sleep with a plushie for comfort. I just replaced mine with you when we started going out.’ Tyler chuckled.
‘I’m not as fluffy as a plushie tho Ty’
‘No but you are warm and soft and you hold onto me which i love.’ Tyler snuggles deeper into Josh’s neck ‘Was that everything love? 'Or is there more?’
‘No that’s it that’s all’ Josh says quickly knowing that his brain will throw this shit again soon but hoping he can fix it before his boyfriend notices next time.
‘So how are we going to make you feel less anxious about sleeping? We both know it’s not easy but having a kinda good night sleep makes the anxiety and depression much less loud.’
Josh spits out ‘Oh you don’t have to do anything you’ve already done so much for me. I will figure something out and be able to sleep in my bunk. You already have so much to take care of on tour I can totally handle myself.’
Tyler takes a deep breath grounding himself. He knows it’s not that his boyfriend doesn’t trust him, it's just a deep ingrained pattern to not want any help because he thinks he doesn’t deserve it. He is just scared to depend on someone who can take that away at a moment's notice and not care anymore. He knows it takes time and practice for Josh to find a new path of asking for help or support and accepting it. They already have come a long way in the four years they have known each other. In those early years Josh never would have told Tyler anything of what was wrong or even showed it. Yes he had gotten better at noticing it but Josh had also learned to keep a less tight seal on his bottle of emotions. There has been progress but at times like these it feels like they are almost back at square one.
‘My love I need you to listen to me and take in what I’m about to say and not discard it because your brain thinks it doesn’t apply to you. I don’t know exactly how your brain works and what goes on inside there but I have a basic understanding because my brain can do the same to me. I love you so much, everything about you and that includes all your flaws and that voice inside your head that tells you aren't good enough and don’t deserve anything. But here is the catch, I can see the whole you and how you treat people and especially me. You are so beautiful and you deserve the world. You didn’t deserve to have to do it all on your own for those first twenty years and I wish I had known you then but I didn’t. However I want to support you, you just have to let me in and you are doing such a good job of it already babe.’
He can feel Josh starting to shake doing everything he can to not start crying. ‘It’s okay you can cry.’ However Josh had already pushed his emotions deep inside him again and they both knew that emotionally Josh had pulled his walls up.
‘I don’t know how I can change the way things are. We can’t sleep in the same bunk another night. It's going to kill you back and I can't be responsible for that. I just need to suck it up and act my age. Maybe we could agree to cuddle every night on the couch or the bunk but then I’ll go back to my bunk and try to sleep.’ Josh had whispered the last part but he knew his boyfriend would have heard him on the quiet bus.
‘Josh, my love, what do you want?’
‘It doesn’t matter what I want because it can never be true’ he said with some force as he stood up. Deep inside Josh knew that Tyler would try everything to make his wants and needs a reality but he was too deep inside his head to see that. All he felt was the fact that nobody ever had wanted to know his opinions and if they did or he just stated them, they were never listened to.
‘It does matter, it matters so much to me Josh! I don’t want you to be this upset and anxious this whole tour. It’s tough enough already without having a brain that is constantly waging a war inside. In an ideal world, where you could have anything you wanted, what would you want?’ Tyler had grabbed his boyfriend's wrist and pulled him down on the couch again.
After a few minutes of silence Josh quietly let out ‘to sleep together or at least cuddle until I'm asleep.’ He started chewing on this thumb angry with himself that he had said what he wanted knowing he was being a burden on his boyfriend.
‘I promise to cuddle with you everyday in your bunk until you are asleep. And if you wake up at night and can’t get back to sleep or just need to be held you can always get into my bunk. Not thinking about how you don’t deserve it or that I should be getting more sleep. I get my best nights sleep wrapped with my arms around you. Tyler looked into his boyfriend's eyes with sincerity.
‘Thank you Ty, for listening and all the other stuff.’ Josh kisses him slowly, lazyly stroking his back underneath Tyler’s shirt.
‘C’mon lets go and nap before we have the interviews and soundcheck. I think we could both use it.
Tangled up they walked to the bunks and crawled into Josh’s bunk. ‘Everything will be okay, love. I’ll make sure of it.’
They laid there facing each other, with Josh snuggled into his boyfriend’s chest whilst his back was softly being stroked up and down.
‘Thanks for the bunny babe he is really soft and snuggly actually. Nice to hold onto.’ He places a kiss on Tyler's chest and murmured into his skin ‘like that it smelled like you too.’
Six shows later the bus magically breaks down and they are forced to board a new one. A luxury one with a double bed in the back room.
Tyler shoots Mark a grateful smile as they pass him. At least now they could sleep peacefully at night wrapped up into each other's arms.