Chapter Text
December 2011
It was only 5 pm on December 23rd but the room was plunged into darkness. The only light illuminating his face was coming from the TV. He could hear the sounds of some cheesy Hallmark movie coming from it. It wasn't something they had chosen to watch but it was just the next thing that had come on after they had watched home alone. A bowl of popcorn was abandoned on the floor next to the couch. His boyfriend had put it there when it had been in the way of him getting a cuddle.
They laid there, chests pressed together whilst their legs were tangled in a blanket. Tyler had pushed Josh to lay down on the couch so he could climb on top and be fully wrapped up by the other.
It still was special to Josh to be on the couch at Tyler’s shared house on Clancy Way and touch his boyfriend the way he wanted when he wanted. Or well… that was a lie, ugh technically it wasn’t even a lie.
Even before him and Tyler had made things official they had been quite touchy with each other. A tired head being laid on the other’s shoulder during long rides in the van. Spooning for body heat in the back on freezing nights trying to keep warm. Pressed together from shoulder to knee trying to work on the stems to get them even better for the next show.
The touching had grown in the past two months since they have been boyfriends. Intentionally holding hands just for comfort, cuddling just because they wanted to. It was still hard for Josh to initiate, wanting to feel Tyler’s warm skin against him but he was working on it.
He looked down but could only see Tyler's head relaxing against him. Fluffy brown hair that had grown out so much that he could now run his hands through it. He didn't want to wake the sleeping boy so he settled on slowly stroking his shoulders through Josh’s hoodie. Tyler loved borrowing his clothes and only returning them when either he had washed them or so that Josh could wash them.
Over on the TV, the preppy blond woman was trying to sell the christmas tree farm from a man who was the fifth generation caretaker there. Sometimes he wished his life was a Hallmark movie. One where he was confident, one where he didn’t have anxiety and panic attacks. Whilst things with the band were looking alright and after more than a year of friendship and pining after Tyler, things were still difficult. They both still had side jobs that left them exhausted but with not much money to their names.
Opposed to the Hallmark fantasy where everyone knew what they wanted there were only two things Josh was sure of in his life: he wanted to play drums for the rest of his life and he wanted to do that with his boyfriend.
He wished he had the confidence that Hallmark woman had or even Tyler. While his head was messed up too at least he knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to get it. Tyler kissed him whenever he wanted and cuddled into his side even when all his housemates were at home. Josh wished it was that easy for him but it wasn’t.
Whilst his thoughts had started to float away from him he hadn't heard Mark and Nick pull up into the driveway. He was only alerted to their presence when the front door swung shut and an icy breeze hit the back of his neck. Josh could only hear a fragment of their conversation but thought he heard up that they had picked up Taco Bell.
Josh felt a deep pit in his stomach open up with how he and Tyler were laid on the couch. He knew they were allowed to do that, heck he had even caught Nick making out with his girlfriend after he came over one evening but it was different when it was him he was talking about.
The sudden noise seems to have woken up his boyfriend who had only snuggled deeper into him like he was trying to crawl into him. Tyler always ran cold and loves to put his cold hands and feet on Josh, who he had dubbed his personal heater.
Today was the last day they were spending together before they were going to spend Christmas with their own families. Josh wasn't looking forward to it but he’d never tell anyone that. It’s ‘the’ time of year everyone looks forward to so he should also feel that.
At least he still had tonight together with Tyler, well Tyler and his roommates, he let out a quiet laugh.
Soft christmas music had begun to fill the room as the Hallmark couple were on a date. Josh couldn't help but drum his fingers to the beat on Tyler's back who instantly began to squirm when his waist was touched.
“Stop it,” a low wine left his throat. “I’m so comfortable and cozy I never wanna leave.”
“C’mon move you big lump, Mark and Nick just got back with Christmas Eve Eve’s Taco Bell for all of us and I’m hungry” Josh said whilst he slowly tried to sit up straight. He tried to play it off like he was joking but he’d rather not be found like this.
It was another thing he could add to the long list of things he should tell Tyler. Together with how his childhood actually was or how lonely he could be even in a crowded room. Josh thought of himself as a coward, Tyler had fully opened up to him even before they were boyfriends. Not just his fears and dreams, but also shared the black thoughts that would infect his brain at 3 am. That he used to harm himself and wore a rubber band around his wrist almost 24/7. How he had gotten the thin line tattooed but there were days when it was so hard to keep on pushing through that he had to go back to wearing the rubber band.
Josh had just told Tyler about his anxiety because he couldn't hide that and the panic attacks from him. He so badly wanted to share how fucked up his mind had been when he was a teenager - scrap that it still was majorly messed up - but he couldn’t. He was embarrassed how messed up he was when he had everything you could want, a roof over his head, a warm bed and food on the table every day. He hadn’t even self harmed so his depression wasn’t that bad. He might have thought about wanting to die, but he never even made plans because he couldn’t leave his siblings.
His boyfriend deserved all the support he could get and Josh wished he would never have to go through that again, but he couldn’t give that grace to himself. He didn't deserve to be saved like that, with love and compassion-
His mind was once again starting to spiral when Nick called out from the kitchen ‘Lovebirds stop smooching and come get dinner before Mark decides to eat it all.’
“Coming!” Tyler shouted back and started to get up but not before pulling Josh in for a deep kiss. Tyler had no idea what had just happened inside Josh’s mind, but this certainly made him be grounded back into his body a bit more. Tyler let out a low but definitely audible whine when he pulled back. Not even a second later he started to prep kisses all over Josh’s face making sure to really smack his lips so Nick could hear them all the way over in the kitchen. If his boyfriend was one thing, it was a menace, they hadn't kissed in at least two hours but of course now Nick had made that comment Ty had to ‘make them jealous’ in his words.
Their Christmas Eve Eve dinner consisted of their usual Taco Bell order. A cheesy gordita crunch and a baja blast with a side of pecan pie Tyler’s mom had made them.
The evening was spent playing Mario Kart. Josh spends more time trying to provoke his boyfriend and get him to lose then trying to win himself. A poke in the ribs, slowly getting closer and closer until he was touching knees to hips, a playful shove so that Tyler would fall over the side of the couch. Insults flew from their mouths trying to get the others to laugh. Whilst Mark went for the downright filthy ones ‘Whoever’s willing to fuck you is just too lazy to jerk off’ or ‘If your game speed is anything to go by i’d be surprised if you ever got off.’
Tyler went the more creative route with insults like ‘There is only one brain cell in this room and it belongs to me’ and ‘You are the personification of ketchup water in my meal.’
At 2 am they all decided to go to bed, whilst they all had the day off tomorrow Mark did have to drive to Dalton to go and see his family and nobody wanted to be dead tired on Christmas Eve.
Twenty minutes later they were in bed all cuddled up but it felt more like Tyler was trying to crawl inside of Josh. His boyfriend's feet were like blocks of ice and he loved putting him against Josh’s legs to warm them. The same went for his hand that somehow always found the small of his back or stomach and sent shivers down his spine when they touched him. Tyler always claimed that he could only sleep in his boxers though because Josh was his personal heater and he would boil alive if he wore pyjama pants and a T-shirt.
Josh could see straight through that lie and knew his boyfriend just loves skin to skin contact but both of them weren't quite ready to admit that. That felt way more vulnerable than when their make outs turned into something more and all their clothes were shed.
“I’m so excited for Christmas babe, it’s unbelievable. The party, the food my mom cooks. I wish you could taste it by the way.” Tyler spoke whilst his cold hands travelled up and down his boyfriends spine leaving a cold path in their wake.
“I’ve eaten a lot of your moms food Ty, I know it’s amazing.” Josh could almost start salivating right there when he thought of Kelly’s lasagne or green bean casserole. It was special to have food that tasted amazing and cooked for him with no exception for him to help. At home he usually had to cooked because his parents weren’t the best of cooks.
Warm breath ghosting his neck started again as Tyler continued to speak. “I can’t wait to go to church on Christmas Eve. It's my favourite time of the year.” His boyfriends eyes started to shine just thinking about how all the light would be dimmed and the whole church would be lit with candles. His favourite songs were sung and for once everybody knew every lyric. “I wish you could come with me and experience it. I just know you would love it.”
“Maybe next year I could join you if you haven’t gotten rid of me by then.” Josh whispered on the brink of falling asleep. Some of his fears slipped past his usually careful mask.
“I could never get rid of you,” his boyfriend muttered against his lips as he pressed a lazy kiss against his lips. It might not even count as a kiss because all Tyler did was press his lips against Josh’s. ”Next year you could come to my family's party and then we could….” Tyler had started to rant again but his boyfriend had already fallen asleep.
It was bitterly cold in Josh’s car as he drove away from Tyler’s house. He could feel his fingers starting to go stiff around the steering wheel and his teeth chattering so hard he was afraid they might break. The further he drove the warmer the car and Josh physically became but his heart however got colder and colder as the distance between him and Tyler grew.
Josh made himself promise he wouldn't bother Tyler much during Christmas. Just a few texts between them and that would be it. He wasn’t going to let him in on how he didn’t love Christmas when he knew how excited his boyfriend was about the holiday. Pretending to be something he was not became his second name during high school and he had sworn to himself to keep it up for the rest of his life.
Slowly the car rolled to a stop at the red light. If he had put his indicator on to go left he would have gone straight to his parents house but he was putting off the inevitable. The red light still hadn’t turned green so he decided to rummage around his glove compartment to find the mixtape Tyler had made him. Songs that represented them both all put onto a shiny silver disk as a sign of his love. Driving for another hour and feeling a tiny bit of Tyler’s love for him was something he couldn’t deny himself before being at home for 2 and a half days straight. The love he got from his parents in ten years wasn’t even as much as Tyler showed him in a day.
Driving through neighbourhoods he saw a mom playing outside with two kids, a family bringing their christmas tree home and decorated homes. It always gave him conflicted feelings, he loved seeing happy families and the holiday warmth made him feel nice inside but knowing he would never have that made him sad. He longed to have one of those picture perfect hallmark christmases just once in his life. Maybe one day he could have a home with Tyler and spend the holidays there. A tiny flame flickered inside his heart but at the same time the voice inside his head told him that he will inevitably fuck up, that it wasn’t meant for him.
An hour and a half later he knew he couldn’t put it off any longer and slowly pulled up to his parents house. Killing the engine, his life became quiet again, it reminded him of his teenage years when he couldn’t just get into his car to drive around. His escape from the world, of anyone seeing him.
It feels like a heavy blanket was placed on his shoulders as he unclipped his seatbelt, with a deep breath he tried to steady himself and got out of the car.
The house is quiet as he opens the door but he knows everyone is home except his oldest sister, Ashley, who was only getting home after dinner. She had been together with her boyfriend for over a year and they were having Christmas Eve dinner with his family. He wished he could have done the same and gone with Tyler, but they had only been dating for two months and his boyfriend was going over to his aunt’s home for Christmas Eve. Tyler had asked him to come but Josh had declined because he knew he wouldn’t be comfortable around that much Christmas cheer.
He hung up his coat and took off his shoes but as soon as hit feet hit the cold floor he wished he had kept them on. Walking to the kitchen to get a drink he found his mother there. ‘Hi, mom,’ he said, moving to the fridge and getting out the chocolate milk.
‘Hi, could you help with dinner in an hour?’ his mom asked, not even bothering to look up at him or ask how he was. He hadn’t seen her in at least a month and texting between them was minimal but apparently he wasn’t important enough to check up on. He shook his head, he was 23 for goodness sake, he shouldn’t need his mom to check up on him every day or even every week.
'Yes, I can.' Josh let out with a quiet huff, sometimes helping meant just stirring things in the pan because his mom couldn’t chop and occasionally stir but other times it meant taking over and essentially making dinner but whilst his mom stood in the kitchen watching his every step.
His mom had already turned her attention back to whatever she was doing on her iPad. This is exactly why he loved being with Tyler even when they had just been friends. Tyler would give him his full attention, even if it was just a few minutes to say hello and ask what he was up to. Josh hated how used he had grown to the attention in just a short period of time. Needing, wanting or even asking for attention was something you just didn’t do. Nobody is actually interested in how he was doing.
Josh grabbed his mug of chocolate milk and walked over to the couch where his younger sister was sitting working on her homework. She has always found school to be easy and liked getting her homework done as soon as she got it. They didn’t have the closest of relationships with her being eight years younger than him but he knew they both enjoyed being in the same room without having to talk and at this moment he didn’t want to talk to anyone.
‘Hey tiny,’ Josh plants a kiss on top of her head. He knows how much he missed casual affection growing up, so he tries to give it to his siblings as much as he can when he is home.
‘Hey bro, moms been stressed about Christmas for at least the last two days, could you please kill me?’ his sister said looking up from her homework.
Josh let out a chuckle ‘I can’t and I won’t but I’m here now to help. What are you working on?’
‘Just maths but it’s easy so I’m almost done but I still have geography left for today.’
‘You have always been the smart one Tiny’ Josh nudged her with his shoulder as she turned her attention back to the homework.
He had felt his phone vibrate in his pocket when he walked inside and he just knew it was Tyler.
iMessage
24 dec 2011 3:04
Tyler
hey babe did you get home alright?
i’m already cold without you keeping me warm and you forgot to leave me a hoodie
driving over to susan and darren right now tho so i’ll be kidnapped by all the cousin so might not be able to reply
24 december 2011 3:12
Josh
*drama queen* you have at least half of my hoodies so i didn’t forget to leave you one. The one on my body was the only one I had with me. If you had taken that one you would have killed me with hypothermia and I hope killing your boyfriend of two months wasn't on your to do list. have fun with all the kids, be careful you get out of there alive.
‘Josh, it’s been over an hour, please start making dinner.’ His mother had signed from the kitchen as he heard her starting to pull out some pans.
With a deep breath he hauls himself off the couch and walks to the kitchen.
There he saw the ground beef, pasta sauce and the pasta itself on the counter and knew instantly that they were eating meatball spaghetti. With a roll of his eyes he began by washing his hands so he could start making the meatballs. This really was something easily made by himself in less than half an hour but of course his mom couldn’t do it herself. There was very little his mom could do herself without help because she didn’t care to learn how to do it herself.
It only took two whole minutes before his mom started to talk about her job. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to hear about her day but the stories were always about her co-workers and their problems. What had happened in the neighbourhood whilst he had been away.
Josh had long before learned how to tune her out and disappear into his own head but still making it seem like he was listening. He had stopped wishing she would ask what was going on in his life because every time he even tried to talk about something she would just interrupt him to talk about her problems.
The meal passed in complete silence, one that he was so used to as a kid, had started to feel weird to him. When he ate with Tyler and their friends it was never quiet. Someone always had a story to tell or needed help with a girlfriend. Not that Josh had much experience with girlfriends but he always tried to give advice.
They were allowed to talk. It's just that his parents had never asked how their day was. As kids he had tried to talk about his day or his interest but he had quickly stopped trying when his parents didn’t listen to him. It was easier to just keep quiet than to feel disappointed again and again as a little boy.
His thoughts drifted to the new years party he and Tyler were going to. He couldn’t wait to kiss his boyfriend at midnight and to just have fun with their friends. He was excited about the new year, things were happening with the band and they were growing bigger and bigger.
Not long after the clattering of plates began as his brother and sister did the dishes before everyone went to their rooms. Whilst Josh had made dinner so technically he didn’t have to help clear up he wanted to spend time with his siblings. Now that he had moved out and was on tour for one hundred days of the year, he hadn’t talked with them as much as he would have liked. They weren’t the closest as siblings but Josh tried his best to give his siblings what he had missed. Listening to their stories from school, friend problems or just their interests.
They had never been a family to sit in the living room and watch TV together so when all the plates had been dried and put away they went their separate ways. Josh’s bedroom had always been his safe space and he couldn’t wait to get into bed, put on some music and read his book. Luckily his parents didn’t sanitise his music anymore, he still liked Relient K just not as the only thing he could listen to. The day they had found a stack of banned cd’s underneath his bed had been a very bad one. His one coping mechanism had been taken away from him.
His twin bed felt too big without sharing it with his boyfriend. He missed the way Tyler would always find some way to touch him even if it was just their pinkies touching.
Normally he wasn’t a hoodie thief but this morning he had grabbed the one his boyfriend had worn yesterday. It was a small comfort he had taken without telling his boyfriend because how could he tell him that he wasn’t looking forward to Christmas. Everyone is supposed to love Christmas but he was one of the few people who didn’t. Josh hated himself for that, he didn’t have a real reason to not look forward to it. Other people did because they were missing loved ones or it reminded them of a bad time in their lives.
With ‘Enema of the State’ blearing from head headphones he pulled the neckline of the hoodie up over his nose. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, for a moment, it was like he was wrapped up in his boyfriend's arms. It’s the place where he feels safest apart from when he is on his own. He loves being around Tyler and if he could he would always be attached to the hip. However when his mind finds the darkest of places all he wants is to be alone whilst also yearning for someone to save him from his own head.
It was only 8 pm but he was ready to fall asleep and if he could sleep until the 27th. Except he couldn’t and he didn’t fancy waking up at 4 am, so he opened his book and he tried his best to concentrate on the words on the page.
He had just read through another chapter when Abigail suddenly stood next to his bed. “Fucking hell Abs, ever heard of knocking?” he ripped he headphones out and slammed him book shut like he has been reading porn.
“I did knock, bookworm, except you turn up your music so loud you will be deaf in five years," his sister smiled as she sat down on his bed.
The two of them had always been closer with the small age gap. Now both of them didn't live with their parents anymore, they didn’t see each other as much but their bond was still strong.
“Soooo, how's life treating you? Any gigs in the future and how is Tyler treating you? If it’s bad I will have to beat his ass,” she flexed her arms to show her biceps.
Josh couldn’t help but giggle and he looked at his sister flexing. “You might have trouble breaking a stick with those big biceps of yours, lil sis. But life is…. good I’d say. Still working but I can feel it in my bones that the band is heading in the right direction. A few record labels have been showing interest so we are looking into that. It's also scary” he lets out a shaky breath.’
“That's wonderful Josh! I really hope this will give you that big break. Give me the juicy details on your boyfriend though. I wanna know what he’s like when he’s not just the boy you pine after.”
“Well he is nice to me” Josh said softly, embarrassed to talk about his love life with his little sister.
“Juicy details bro, you said that like you are in kindergarten,” his sister poked him in the ribs.
Just as he was about to answer his phone lit up with a notification Ty ❤️ one image
Before Josh could even think, Ashley had grabbed his phone and was trying to open it. He could hear it buzz as she tried different codes.
“Abs, for fucks sake, give it back, you’re going to lock me out,” Josh lunged after her trying to grab is phone back. They fought for a good minute where he found out she was surprisingly strong when she threw him almost off the mattress.
“Whoops,” she giggled as she hauled him back up. “Is it a dick pic you dirty boys? That why you can’t show me?” His sister wiggled her eyebrows at him handing over the phone. “I don't need to see Tyler’s little Tyler.”
“I was going to open it but you didn't even give me an opportunity. And no it’s not a dickpic” Josh said as he looked at the screen. “And it ain’t little,” he almost inaudibly muttered, feeling heat rise to his cheeks.
His sister had clearly heard what he had said as she started cackling. “I asked for juicy details, not his measurements dude.”
Normally he would have had some quick witted reply ready but he had opened the text and was met with just a photo.
iMessage
24 dec 2011 7:56 Tyler
![[A photo of Tyler in his early 20s with fluffy hair and a blue button up. He is laid on his back on a red playmat whilst a 8 month old baby is sat next to his head. The baby girl is trying to grab his hair with one hand whilst the other is on Tyler's chin. Tyler is smiling widely at the baby.]](https://i.postimg.cc/h4myjXDB/IMG-0762.jpg)
i’ve been kidnapped and i dont know if i can get out of this alive.
Josh could only smile at his phone. Seeing Tyler this happy made him feel warm inside and he wished he could be right there next to him. He hadn't noticed that his sister had leaned in and had seen the photo.
“Brother, I can hear your ovaries shake from a mile away, you are down bad for him.” His sister said with a fond smile. “I like seeing you this happy,” as she leaned her head against his shoulder.
“I am happy, when I’m with him it all feels a little easier.” He rested his head on her head, it was the softest he allowed himself to be around his siblings but hey, at least it was more than it had ever been. When he was at his absolute lowest about 8 years ago he hadn’t told anyone. How could he tell his 13 year old sister he didn’t want to be around anymore?
The atmosphere had shifted from teasing each other to a soft understanding. Last time his sister had told him how much her boyfriend had helped her and whilst Josh had been so happy for her, he had longed for the same.
“Wanna watch The Grinch?” She asked softly. They didn't have many interests that overlapped but they had always enjoyed watching movies together.
Josh just nodded his head and made a noise that he hoped sounded affirmative.
After the film had ended Ashley had gone to her own room, leaving Josh alone again. Josh knew that he wasn’t alone but his childhood bedroom always brought up those old feelings. Those long dark nights when it felt like the world was caving in on him, when all he wanted was to disappear and not be found but at the same time for someone to find and save him. Now years later, he had found someone who had saved him. He longed to tell him how he had felt but he had no idea how to open up like that. What if his boyfriend thought he had faked everything just to get some attention?
Here, he was alone once again and he could feel those dark feelings beginning to seep into the crevices of his mind. Being back home somehow always made him feel like that fifteen year old boy again. He knew he could text his boyfriend and ask to be picked up but there was a long list of reasons why he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t leave his siblings alone to deal with their mom and dad. They had to be around them everyday when he had already escaped, he could suck it up for another two days. He also didn’t want to worry Tyler, he knew that he’d have to tell the whole story what was wrong and he wasn’t going to ruin his boyfriend's Christmas by his c-rated sob story. On top of all that, he’d have to tell his parents what was going on, a conversation he would never be ready to have.
A look around his room revealed all the things he had left behind, the posters of his favourite bands that were approved by his parents and the church, old clothing that he was certain he didn’t fit anymore. His bookshelf where he had left a lot of his books just because he had no space to fit them in his own room, or the beanbag in the corner where he had been through so many panic attacks thinking that his life was ending right there. Thinking about how nobody ever heard him or thought to check up on him.
He needed to stop this spiral in his head soon or he would be back on that bean bag 8 years later having another panic attack. He could feel his breath starting to pick up already and the tightness in his chest was beginning to get worse and worse.
Suddenly his phone lit up again as his boyfriend sent him another photo and message.
iMessage
24 dec 2011 11:37 Tyler
this angel was supposed to sleep through the whole service but she loved listening to the singing so i got to keep her company for the last 25 minutes
Josh felt his heart grow as he looked at Tyler holding the baby. He knew he was too young to even think of children but it looked so natural on his boyfriend. It looked right and he could see how much Tyler loved her. His tired eyes, those full lips and the look like he had been caught off guard when the photo was taken. It hadn’t been posed but it had just been him looking after the baby.
At the same time it also broke his heart. He knew he could never give Tyler that easily, he didn’t even know if he wanted kids, how could he love them if he didn’t know how to love himself.
“Fucking holiday in this room,” he muttered to himself. It seemed like even being in the room made all his feelings ten times worse. He just wanted to get out but it seemed like he was paralysed, his legs refusing to move to get out of bed or even his thumb to just move a bit to the left to hit the call button. The voice in his head was just so loud, telling him he is worthless, nobody really cares about him, he is just an inconvenience to everyone in his life.
It was a downward spiral, Josh knew all too well, but had never been able to stop before. In all the years before he had just let it happen, let the anxiety overwhelm him into a panic attack. It felt like he was going to die but he deserved to feel like that. It would be easier than having to do it himself. A small voice in his head said it was even better that when, than his parents would never know how fucked up he was. It would just seem like he had died very suddenly.
Josh doesn't know how he got from his bed to the bean bag but he found himself there. Feeding his panic attack with hate and self loathing until his heart was going a million miles a minute and it felt like it would jump out of his body. His breath felt like it ripped through his chest as he pulled his knees closer to him. Tears were blurring his vision as he tried to be as quiet as he could. If he were to die here, he would just be grateful for the love he had gotten the last 2 and a half months because they had been the happiest time of his life. He just hoped Tyler knew how much he had meant to him.
At some point he must have fallen asleep because right now he was being woken up to an insistent ringing of his phone. He opened his eyes and looked around him for a moment. He had forgotten where he was. A stiff and painful back let him in no uncertain terms know that he was way too old to spend the night on a beanbag in the corner of his childhood bedroom.
His phone fell silent again and Josh let out a deep breath. He wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone right now, he just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep some more. Looking outside through his window he could just see a grey dreary sky and it was clear to him it was still early in the morning.
It took some convincing to make his body move but he eventually made it into his bed and could grab his phone that had been abandoned on his pillow. He only had 17% battery left, so he had to find his charger that had definitely fallen on the floor.
His phone showed that it was only 8:17am but Tyler had already tried to call him twice. Once yesterday evening and just now. Not answering his boyfriend was just another thing his head could beat him up about. Somehow calling him back felt like a task that was just too big because he knew Tyler would ask why he hadn’t answered his calls and he wasn’t going to tell him he had a massive panic attack yesterday.
How would he explain that his fucked up mind liked having a panic attack because that’s what he deserves and that it happened just because he was in his childhood bedroom. No, it was better to just ignore for the time being.
Except Tyler Joseph wasn’t in the business of being ignored, so his phone started to vibrate like a goddamn rabbit. Minute by minute text updates of his boyfriend’s morning.
iMessage
25 dec 2011 8:19 Tyler
josh
joshua
william
dun
i am awake
and santa came
he arrived during the night not in his pants
whahaha everything just keeps sounding like an innuendo
i’m getting out of bed now
can’t wait for breakfast i’m starving
wearing the sweats you helped me pick
babeeee wake uppppp
pleasee i wanna call youuu
i’m just gonna try again
As Josh was reading the last line his phone began to ring again. He pushed himself up against the headboard, his head falling backwards against it as he accepted the call.
“Dude ever heard of sleeping in on Christmas”. No hello’s or giving Tyler the option to ask why he hadn’t picked up. Deflect and make sure it’s his boyfriend that does most of the talking.
“Christmas Day is not for sleeping in, it's for waking up early and doing all the possible traditions you can cram into a day.” Josh could hear the excitement in his boyfriend's voice and could imagine his face right now. Soft eyes that squeezed shut with excitement, a permanent grin resided on his face. One hand that twirled his hair whilst the other held his phone against his ear.
Josh wished he could feel that childlike wonder even if it was for just a minute. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had felt that.
They talked on the phone for 45 minutes, but if Josh were to be honest with himself, he hadn’t said much. It had mostly been his boyfriend talking about all his cousins, church and what his mom was cooking for breakfast.
It’s not like Josh had anything to tell him. He scoffed at himself for that because he knew it was a big fat lie. He rubbed his shoulder to soothe himself that it wasn’t that important that he had a panic attack yesterday. His boyfriend couldn’t change it, so why should he tell him? If he were to tell him, he just knew Tyler would jump in his car and come pick him up but he couldn’t ask that of his boyfriend, especially not on Christmas day.
Before they hung up, Josh promised Tyler that he was perfectly alright and that his silence was only because his boyfriend had woken him up by calling. He could hear Tyler's stomach growl through the phone. “Go and eat breakfast Ty, I heard your mom call out fifteen minutes ago that it was ready. I’ll talk to you later and have fun at the party.”
Josh decided to haul himself out of bed as well and get some breakfast into his system. His parents had never cooked breakfast, so he was used to grabbing either cereal or a sandwich even on special occasions.
As he walked into the kitchen, the smell of freshly brewed coffee hit him. He saw his dad was already at the table with a cup of coffee and the newspaper.
No “good morning or happy Christmas.” Nothing. It was like everyone in the family lived on their own tiny island and there wasn’t a way to cross from one to the other. Josh had tried to be the bridge for years, asking everyone how their day was or what they were up to but it didn't work and left him exhausted. It never seemed to occur to anyone to ask him how he was doing, so staying quiet was just easier.
“Forgot to bring clothes with you?” his dad asked, looking him up and down. Josh’s brows knit together confused seeing as he had just five minutes ago had gotten things out of his duffle bag. Josh looked down his torso and saw Tyler's hoodie that clung to his shoulders and the sleeves that ended before reaching his wrists. It might be a size too small for him but it fit and it felt like he was wrapped up in the arms of his boyfriend.
“Something like that,” he uttered as he opened the cupboard to get out some cereal. He was never going to admit that it was Tyler’s hoodie and that he used it as some sort of security blanket. He was a grown adult, he shouldn’t need that, and until two and a half months ago, he’d never even thought of it.
With a cup of coffee in his other hand, he walked to the couch and turned on the TV. As it flickered to life, he was greeted with another Hallmark movie. It felt like it just added insult to injury. Just 36 hours ago he had been cuddling with his boyfriend on his couch when the dark clouds hadn’t ruled his head like they did now.
He knew he should put on another channel, anything else, but it felt good to hurt himself like that. Punishment for getting too close to Tyler in just this short period of time when he would inevitably leave when he learned what a mess he was.
Hours passed by but the TV still showed him the picture perfect Christmas image that he would never get to experience. His coffee had long gone cold but he didn’t mind. Why would he deserve to drink nice hot coffee if everything he did would end in him fucking it up?
He looked over at their bare christmas tree. There were no presents underneath to open. Josh thinks back to the last time there had been presents, but it must have been at least eight years ago when Ashley stopped believing in Santa. Even before that they had never celebrated Christmas big but there had been at least one or two presents to open. He could almost imagine the smooth wrapping paper underneath his fingers as he thought back to ripping open the present.
Tyler had sent him a photo of their family tree this morning and it had left a gaping hole in his heart. There were so many wrapped boxes that it flowed out from under the tree. Josh clenched his fists so tight that he could feel his nails leave crescent moon shapes in his palm. It was ridiculous to be jealous of his boyfriend who deserved any- and everything he could get.
At 4pm, his mom came into the living room to make sure he would start dinner. “We can’t eat as late as we did last year Josh,” she let out an exasperated huff, “so I would very much appreciate it if you could help.” The way his mom stressed about this and then became passive aggressive always made him anxious. For some unknown reason she had decided that they should do the full Christmas dinner. Roast ham, mac&cheese, green bean casserole, brussel sprouts, mashed potato and gravy.
Now, the biggest problem wasn’t his mom wanting all of that, it was the fact that she didn’t know how to plan it all, so it was done at the same time. Whilst Josh had been cooking from a young age he had learned how to plan everything, so it always fell to him to make the christmas dinner.
He didn’t even hate cooking. It sometimes even helped his anxiety because it gave him something to do and his head couldn’t start to wander too far. Except this evening because his mom would constantly try to intervene and make comments on how he cooks. “If you just cut the potatoes a bit smaller, they cook quicker,” or “is the ham even going to be done on time if you only put it in now?” He could think of a long list of other things she had said over the years.
He felt a constant need to rub his chest to try and loosen the anxiety building in his chest but he couldn’t. His mom might notice him doing it and he didn’t want to have to explain his anxiety whilst cooking their Christmas dinner. Not that she would ever understand what storm was brewing in his head. It was better to put the mask back on and just pretend to be normal.
An hour into cooking, Jordan came into the kitchen to grab a drink. He had probably been holed up in his room the whole day but the need for a beverage had drawn him out at last.
“Merry Christmas, big bro,” said Jordan as he hip checked him.
“Careful dude, I’ve got a massive knife in my hands and I know how to use it,” Josh laughed as he swished the knife around above the cutting board.
Jordan only laughed louder, “big and strong Josh knows how to use a knife and isn’t afraid to use it,” he said, mocking him.
“Alright alright, I heard you. Your big brother isn’t cool anymore. That why you didn’t hang out with me today?” Josh raised his eyebrow as he looked over to his brother.
“Nah, I just didn’t fancy being in the same room as mom and dad. We’re good. Except when your boyfriend calls you at 8am in the morning, those walls are thin dude and I was looking forward to sleeping in.” Jordan walks over to the fridge to grab a drink but looks over his shoulder giving him a glare.
“Take it up with him dude, I was also still asleep but he’s like a child when it’s Christmas.” He pushes the tin of green beans and mushroom soup to his brother, “here, help me”.
His brother looks at the cans and then back at him like how only a seventeen year old can when they are asked to do anything.
“Just drain the beans, put them in the dish with the soup and mix them with these,” he slides over the can of fried onions. “It’s not even cooking, just putting stuff together and mixing, it should just be just within your capabilities.”
Teasing was their language and it only started to become more and more insulting as they got older.
They talked a bit about Jordan's college application and the girl he had just started dating. Josh knew how he had longed to be asked those things, so now he was going to be that person for his siblings.
Another forty five minutes later, they were all sitting around the table. It was a tight squeeze with so many dishes on the table but they had made it work. It didn't happen often but Josh was kind of proud of himself for cooking all of it.
He slipped his phone out of his pocket and snapped a quick photo and sent it to his boyfriend.
iMessage
25 december 6:41 Josh
Cooked up some dinner
Tyler replied almost instantly. Josh rolled his eyes that phone was glued to his boyfriend's hand.
iMessage
25 dec 2011 6:42 Tyler
househusband material right there.
i just saw my brother sneak off with his girlfriend and now i want you here even more. i wanna kiss you and hold you.
25 dec 2011 6:42 Josh
Miss you too Ty
You just have to wait a day and a half, you can wait that long
25 dec 2011 6:43 Tyler
One day, 13 hours and 21 minutes :)
Josh let out a snort, of course his boyfriend would know exactly how long until they were back together again.
This small interaction had lessened the tightness in his chest just a bit and it felt a bit easier to breathe again.
Dinner was… okay. Nobody really talked and the whole festive feeling wasn’t there, but at least it seemed like everyone liked the food. They didn’t tell him but the fact that everyone had emptied their plate told him enough.
After packing away the leftovers for tomorrow and a mountain of dishes had been washed Josh went back to his room. A full and warm stomach combined with pretending he didn’t his head wasn’t fucked up had left him exhausted.
Normally, he had trouble sleeping and fell asleep in the middle of the night. It was only 10:04pm but his eyelids were already starting to grow heavy and it was harder and harder to keep them open.
Josh wakes up from the sun shining in his eyes and he feels like his eyes are being burned out. With a groan, he turns to the side and pushes his face into his pillow.
It takes him a few minutes to wake up but suddenly it hits him that if the sun woke him up it must be late. He looked over to his alarm but could not make out what it said. He reached over to his bedside table and tried to find his glasses.
As he finally put them on his face, he could see that his alarm read 12:26pm.
“Fourteen hours? How the fuck did that happen?” he muttered to himself. He had even forgotten to set an alarm on his phone before he fell asleep.
Speaking of said phone, where was it? He had been scrolling through his and Tyler's text last night so he started to feel around. There, it had wedged itself in the crevices between his headboard and mattress.
He saw he only had 5% battery left, so quickly found his charger, plugged it in and his lockscreen came back alive. Ty ❤️ 2 messages
iMessage
25 dec 2011 10:18 Tyler
![[Tyler and Jay are both on the couch, Tyler is having a nap. Tyler is leaning his head against a teenage Jay’s shoulder. He is wearing a hoodie and a grown out buzzcut. Jay is shorts, a white tshirt and a zip up hoodie]](https://i.postimg.cc/Mp1qm6bL/IMG-2885.jpg)
big christmas dinner call for post dinner naps.
26 dec 2011 12:45 Tyler
goodnight babe. can’t wait see sleep with you again. this body of mine does not keep me warm.
iMessage
26 dec 2011 12:28 Josh
My post dinner nap turned into a solid 14 hours of sleeping
Btw you are caught red handed, that is MY hoodie you’re wearing, seems like you had one (more like six) in your closet after all
26 dec 2011 12:34 Tyler
this one is washed so it doesn't count as stealing your hoodie
26 dec 2011 12:35 Josh
So if you’re correct it’s only stealing when it’s my dirty hoodie. Yeah nah that wont hold up in court
26 dec 2011 12:35 Tyler
It will you can ask my lawyer
26 dec 2011 12:35 Josh
Calling him right now
Also you just miss warming your cold ass hands and feet on me
26 dec 2011 12:36 Tyler
Whilst that is an added bonus i do miss actually sleeping with you it’s easier to fall asleep when you hold me
26 dec 2011 12:37 Josh
I miss you too Ty every minute that passes gets us closer to holding you again
It seemed like sleeping had allowed the dark clouds to have drifted a little bit and for a few minutes he could pretend he was just a normal guy who was home for the holidays that had had a good night's sleep and missed his boyfriend.
It didn't last very long before a storm started brewing in his head again. His parents would ask why he had slept this long and he didn't even know how he would answer that. The longer he stayed in bed, the higher the chance of them asking, but for some reason he just couldn't move.
He ended up scrolling through Facebook and Youtube for another hour and a half before his bladder and appetite forced him out of bed.
The rest of the day passed slowly, he had only seen his parents in passing and luckily they hadn’t commented on him sleeping late. He spent the rest of the day reading his book, scrolling on his phone, watching Youtube, texting Tyler a bit and hoping the day would be over soon so could go back to his apartment and spend time with Tyler.
He knew it probably wasn’t healthy to miss his boyfriend so much after only two months of dating, but it was the place he felt most at home. It doesn’t make his struggles any less prevalent but it feels a little bit easier to breathe. That there is someone who will always have his back.
It was finally December 27th and Josh was back in his car driving to his apartment. It was still a few hours before his boyfriend would meet him there but he was ready to be in his safe space and try to relax. Where he normally takes the long way home, this time he drove the quickest route.
As he walked into the house, he felt a weight lift off him. Not having the constant reminder of his failures as a brother or a son, his childhood bedroom where so many of his demons had lived. This apartment also had those demons but at least when he was totally alone he could let the mask slip.
Josh let himself fall into the couch, pulled out his phone to text Tyler and let him know he was home and to come over whenever he wanted but he only had ramen if he came over before dinner.
At 4pm there suddenly was a loud noise coming from his front door. It seemed like someone was trying to kick the door down. He quickly got up, walked to his front door and ripped it open to see what was going on.
There stood his boyfriend almost nose to nose with the door, arms full with plastic containers that were threatening to fall to the ground.
“Babe, hi, here let me help you,” he said, a bit perplexed as he started to grab some of the containers on the top and started to walk to the kitchen. “Let me guess, you didn’t want to walk to the car twice so you thought you could carry it in one? What even is in all of these?”
“Excuse me, it was going very well, thank you very much.” Tyler laughed as he put the other containers on the counter. “Mom had a lot of leftovers, so she gave me some so we could have them for dinner later.”
Suddenly his boyfriend’s hands were all over him. Grabbing his hair and pulling him closer. “Kiss me,” he felt it more against his lips than he even heard it. He pushed his lips against Tyler’s like he had been starving for months instead of the two and a half days they hadn’t seen each other.
He fisted his boyfriend's hoodie tight, like he would slip away if he didn’t hold on tight. He slipped his tongue against Tyler’s lower lip to ask for permission. At the same time he slowly pushed his boyfriend against the counter trapping him there.
He could feel Tyler’s hand on his lower back trying to pull him even closer; he complied and pressed himself fully against Tyler. He let his hand wander around Tyler’s back and hips and suddenly picked him up and put him on top of the counter.
“F-fuck,” is all Tyler could manage to breath into his boyfriend’s mouth as he wound his legs around Josh’s waist. Josh now had to tilt his head back to keep kissing, which gave Tyler the perfect opportunity to let his kisses drift lower, past his jaw and onto his throat. He nibbled softly on the skin where his throat met his collarbone shoulder until a purple bruise bloomed . A full body shiver goes through Josh as a low whine escapes his throat.
Josh grabbed a handful of his boyfriends hair and pulled on it hard which made him like putty in his hands. His mouth found Tyler’s again and they kissed for what seemed like hours.
Out of breath, Tyler eventually pulled away with a laugh and rested his head on Josh’s shoulder. “Thats one hell of a welcome, babe.”
He gently squeezed Tyler’s waist. “You started it, but I’m not complaining.” He pulled on Tyler to get him closer to the edge so he could wrap his arms around his boyfriend for a hug. He could feel Tyler’s head turn and snuggle into his neck and he planted a kiss on the top of his head. “Missed you,” he could feel the rumble of it through his chest.
“Missed you too babe, couch or bed?” Josh asked quietly.
“Couch, if we get into bed now, I’ll never leave and those leftovers are too damn good to waste.”
“Hold on tight then,” Josh lifted his boyfriend off the counter and walked them over to the living room. Tyler couldn’t help but giggle and keep a tight hold onto his boyfriend’s broad shoulders. “My legs still work dude but thanks for the ride.”
“You are the passenger princess of this band, so I should treat you like that, babe,” Josh stuck his tongue out. Tyler pretended to flick his long hair, “a pretty princess though.”
“The prettiest of course.”
After an hour-long cuddle session, the boys decided to heat up the leftovers. Or well, Josh heated them up because Tyler could set water on fire if he had to cook.
Right now Josh didn’t know what his boyfriend was even up to, but he had said he wasn’t allowed to leave the kitchen.
“Ty! Babe! I’m gonna plate up, can I come out now?” Josh shouted as he grabbed the plates out of the cupboard.
“No! You can put the food on the plate but I’ll come and get you.”
“You are acting kinda weird but I'll go with it,” he muttered as he plated all the leftovers. At that moment, Tyler walked into the kitchen and took both plates with him. “Wait here, babe.”
Josh could hear the plates being put on the table and Tyler’s footsteps getting closer again.
“Close your eyes babe and I’ll take you through.” He took Josh’s hand and slowly they started to walk to the table.
“Ty, what have you done?”
“If you just wait ten seconds, mister impatient, you will find out yourself. Now stand still here and open your eyes in three, two, one.”
Josh opened his eyes and he felt his heart grow two sizes and at the same time squeeze tight in his chest. Two lit candles were stood on the table and the only other lights were the Christmas tree and some fairy lights
“Oh Ty, you-you shouldn’t have done this. I’m perfectly happy just eating it on the couch. You don’t need to go to this much trouble just for me.”
Josh could feel his heartrate getting quicker, his mind was screaming out to him that this was way too much. He didn’t deserve this. This kind of love wasn’t meant for him. If his parents couldn’t love him and he couldn’t love his siblings as much as he should, how did he deserve Tyler?
Josh knew that whilst he was having a war inside his head from the outside, it looked nothing like that. His face wouldn’t give anything away, he knew that because he had seen himself in the mirror before, but also because there hadn't been anyone before who had seen him panic.
Tyler had grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. “It’s not because I have to, babe, I wanted to do this for us. We didn’t have a Christmas dinner date, so this is that. With leftover Christmas dinner and a few candles I stole from my mom. I just wanted to have a nice night with you before everything with the labels kicks off again in the new year and we will be pulled in every direction possible. C’mon let's sit down before it gets cold.”
Josh had to search deep inside himself to move his legs like a normal person. Protect yourself, never let anyone too close but most importantly, never let anyone know how fucked up you actually are. Tyler wanted a nice night in so he should not ruin with his fucked up thoughts. He had always been good at shoving his feelings deep within himself so that was what he was going to do.
The anxiety had made him lose his appetite completely but he forced himself to eat. The fork felt like it weighed ten times as much but he just had to keep putting it in his mouth even when it felt like he would drop it any moment. He knew the food tasted amazing rationally but all the flavours were just overwhelming him. It was just another thing he could beat himself up for.
“Will you thank your mom for the food? It is absolutely amazing.” Josh tried to make his smile look genuine even if it took all the energy he had.
The last couple of days had been difficult to say the least and he could feel his energy leaving him rapidly. All he wanted was to go to bed with his boyfriend and forget about the holidays.
“How were the celebrations J? The food looked good!” Tyler had grabbed his hand over the table and was stroking his knuckles.
“Yeah it was alright, didn't do much but it was pretty relaxing. The food was good, I tried this new mac and cheese recipe and it was very cheesy. I could make that for us next week.” He gave Tyler's hand a soft squeeze. He tried to play it off like it had been a Christmas exactly how he liked it.
“I’d love that, babe. I love it when you cook for us. Makes a nice change from the shit we eat on tour. Got any good presents or did you just get socks?”
“Socks are good presents, you always need more of them.” It was a lie, he hadn’t even gotten socks but it was easier to tell that than to tell the truth and have to explain that. It felt like he wasn’t even worthy of buying socks, then being worthy of love was so much bigger than socks.
“Tell me about your Christmas, Ty, I want to hear about it all.”
He really tried to listen, he wanted to hear it all but every word was a stab to his heart. How his younger cousins had almost tackled him to the ground when he had walked inside, even though he hadn’t seen them in some months. The fact that one of his youngest nieces had wanted to be held only by him when she had woken up during church.
Waking up Christmas morning and seeing the tree all lit up and presents spilling from underneath. All his grandparents were there to celebrate the holidays and how for a brief moment he had felt like a teenager again, bickering with his siblings about who had to do the dishes.
Josh made sure to make noise at the appropriate times to make it seem like he was really interested in the story. He was interested, it just hurt too much to think about everything he didn’t have.
“Are you alright sweetheart? You’ve been kinda quiet tonight.” Tyler squeezes his hand, catching his attention.
“Yeah everything okay, just tired from the festivities and I didn’t sleep as well as I normally do when you are next to me.” Another tally to add on his ‘not telling his boyfriend the whole truth’ list. Not telling the whole truth was better than straight up lying, wasn’t it?
“Let’s clean up and go cuddle in bed. I have Arthur Christmas downloaded on my laptop. You can fall asleep any time you like and we have another day off tomorrow, so no need for an alarm to wake us up.” Tyler stood up from his seat and walked over to Josh and pulled his boyfriend's head into his stomach. Josh wrapped his arms loosely around Tyler and his back was being stroked.
“Next year we will celebrate Christmas together, I don’t want to celebrate it without you ever again. I promise you Josh.”