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Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.
-Richard Siken-
Ivan is not dead.
There are many things that are absolute truths, immutable and indisputable facts. Fire burns you if you touch it. Water boils at a certain temperature. Oxygen becomes rarer with altitude. Ivan is not dead.
There's a frame of him surrounded by candles and red flowers -red camelias, Ivan favorite's, he notes with bitterness- like a depressing autel, the same as autels made in remembrance of people who died, but Ivan is not dead, Till repeats again and again. He'll repeat it forever if he needs to.
This is a non-sense. Ivan cannot be dead. All of this is a ridiculous parody, a clown party disguised as a mourning ceremony. Sua's clenching Mizi's hand so hard her bones may break, Mizi's crying all tears of her body, Luka is silent and impassible, and even Hyuna and Hyunwoo-he didn't know they knew Ivan- came and lack their usual energy, seeming down and deep in though. Till wants to curse them all for falling into this obvious charade, for indulging in this cruel farce.
Because Ivan is not dead. He can't be. Ivan is the one always clinging and bothering him, smiling like a freak at each of Till's words, Ivan is a strong figure following him and walking with him, never bothered by anything thrown on his way, not even his father coldness or people judgement, Ivan in his huge weirdo best friend, and there's no world in which he can just be dead like that. Ivan is not the kind of person to die that easily.
"And what is the kind of person to die that easily?" Mizi replied when he told her and Sua, and he refused to answer that, but didn't give up.
Retrospectively, all of this started a month ago, when Ivan suddenly went missing.
It had been sudden. One day, Ivan was there, walking with Till after school, yapping and clinging to him like usual, that cheesy smile on his face, the same smile he always used with Till, Mizi or Sua, so far off from the polite and professional smile he used with everyone else, laughing at Till when the grey-haired man shoved him playfully while he kept bothering him again and again. They took the same route as usual, the one that goes over a small bridge covered with ferns and vegetation so thick you can't see the bottom, on which grows a cherry tree that Ivan likes to tease him about, saying it's such a romantic place. Which is true, despite Till protests, he has to admit the scenery is a bit romantic and mysterious with that strange old bridge, that fern and that cherry tree whose fragile branches go over the void and over a big wall that's separating the precipice below from whenever private property is behind. Well, even if the owners of that property are said to be completely crazy, a little legend adds a bit of fun. Ivan had been like usual, teasing Till and even proposing to go pick one of the blue flowers growing on the wall to "cheer him up" and "woo him" because Till was in a bad mood because of a bad grade, which ended up with him hitting and chasing a laughing Ivan until his doorstep. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Yet the next day, Ivan didn't come to school. At first, Till didn't worry. Ivan doesn't always come to school, sometimes he doesn't go for days and refuses to explain what he was up to, he was always like that, even as a child. Till has long accepted that Ivan would never exactly be normal and always have his quirks. He doesn't mind. Ivan is Ivan because of this after all. And despite the odds, Ivan is his neighbor and best friend. (Or more, whispers a voice in his head, but he ignores it because that's not the time)
The point is, one day, Ivan was here, and the next he was gone. As stated previously, Till didn't worry right away when he didn't show up to class, but when two days passed without a text from the black-haired man, and even worse, no answer from his texts, he started thinking something was wrong. The thing is, Ivan is a very..active text writer. He likes to bother Till all day, even if just to send him memes and random pictures, anything he thought about or that "reminded him of Till". (Which is sometimes ridiculous because what do you mean an old stain in the wall was "Till-shaped"? But anyways). He often drowns Till with messages, even if there're moments of respite where he closes up and barely texts, again, being Ivan 's strange behavior, and thought despite Till attempts to make him explain. Ivan would always smile, and says "don't worry about it, Till" with a cheerful tone, and refuses to explain, as if he didn't even think Till would care, or believe him. It drives him mad when he does that, but even in those times, Ivan never, never ever ignores Till. He'd reply as soon as possible. So when two then three days passed without a single reply, Till knew Ivan was in trouble. But he made the mistake of sharing his worries with Mizi and Sua. He should have dealt with that alone. The girls had looked at each other, silently communicating, before Mizi asked, concern evident in her voice.
"He's not with you? We thought he was at your place"
Sua had nodded, a blank expression on her face that still betrayed her worry about her brother.
"He hasn't been home. What do you mean, he's not with you?"
Till would have investigated himself but they were three teenagers with not much clues, and Mizi convinced everyone it was better to call the police.
And so, Ivan was declared missing. It was a month ago, but Till is still livid. The police asked them questions that didn't make any sense, as if they were trying to prove Ivan ran away, which is such a stupid non‐sense because Ivan would never run away. (Not from them. Not from him.) He told them a million times that Ivan would never leave like that and had to reasons to, annoyed by the condescendant tone of the police officer, -as if he knew Ivan better than him, what a fucking joke- but nothing seemed to work, as they kept asking the same questions all and over again. They thought about a kidnapping, too, but there were no leads or clues toward this, and Ivan was tall and strong enough to not be considered an usual target of it, so it was stated as unlikely.
But after a while, since time had flown by and there were still no traces of the boy, they changed their mind and declared that they were no longer searching for Ivan alive, but for a body. That whether it was a kidnapping or another reason, Ivan was probably dead.
Which is even more ridiculous than the idea of Ivan running away. But somehow, everyone, including Mizi or Sua, slowly let themselves be convinced of it, and now he was here, standing in front of that dumbass autel with stupid flower and a picture of Ivan, smiling, in a room full of people crying and mourning for nothing because Ivan is gonna come back and prove them they were stupid for believing that.
Now, where is Ivan, that's the real question. Till can't believe he lost so much time answering the police's questions, when he could have tried to find the black-haired man by himself and probably be more useful. Ivan is probably having troubles with something, somewhere, like the usual mysterious weirdo he always is, he's gonna come back and Till will beat him up for worrying him so much.
That's what he thought at first, but Ivan's starting to take really long to come back, and if it keeps going on like that, Till will have to find him himself to bring him home. Ivan is really an idiot.
He leaves the ceremony without waiting for it to end, and Mizi gazes at him through her tears, but even she doesn't dare to hold him back, only tightening her grip on Sua's hand. Good. He doesn't need them to find Ivan, not if they think he's dead.
But how to find him? The first thing to do is probably to search through his room. Maybe he left a trace, a clue, anything that could indicate where he was going or why he left. What if somebody was threatening him? Or holding him captive? Unless he got troubles with more...paranormal entities? He shakes head at this ridiculous thought. Now, don't get him wrong, he's always been a mostly rational guy. Never seen a ghost, never got scared in haunted houses or that kind of bullshit. But still, maybe he shouldn't dismiss any possibilities, even less likely, like this one...What if it really does exist, and what if Ivan got troubles with them? Because it's really hard to imagine the guy being restrained by something as rational as a kidnapper. He would probably drive them crazy within less than an hour and find his way home. Unless they kill him.
No.
He needs to concentrate.
Ivan gave him a spare key once, for emergencies, he said, so he has no trouble getting into Ivan's house without coming across his parents, probably still at the ceremony, his mother crying crocodile tears while his father stands still and coldly observes the people mourning his own son. Till never liked them, but Ivan rarely complained about them so he always kept his mouth shut, and despite them being his neighbors, he rarely saw them anyways. Ivan's room is exactly like he left it, his desk clean, a pile of clothes that belong to Till that he kept "just in case" (in case of what, who knows) and an old camera he often took with him. Not even an ounce of dust, probably cleaned by a maid paid by his damn rich family, as if he was never gone. As if he just left this morning to go to class, and could return any minute. And he could. Till knows he could. He goes through his things carefully, examining everything, but as stated previously, nothing seems amiss. Nothing that could indicate where Ivan went and why he's somehow unable to come back.
He grabs his phone and calls him again. He knows it will go right away on voicemail, without even ringing once. Ivan's voice replies in his ears, a polite, professional voice, so ahead from the real guy. It felt weird when he listened to it for the first time right after Ivan vanished. It can sound dumb that it was the first time he was hearing it. But Ivan never left him on voicemail, ever. He would reply to him even in situations he wasn't supposed to, even in the middle of the night, like that time in middle school Till got rejected by Mizi and called him definitely not crying at midnight, and Ivan still replied. He would even reply from the fucking bathroom sometimes so yeah, Ivan always replied to his calls. Until he didn't. But Till will find that bastard and make him pay for the number of times he called this number just to hear his voice, which he would never admit. Fuck. He grabs Ivan's camera and goes home. There's no battery left. He'll need to recharge it, but he doubts there will be anything useful on it. Ivan didn't take it with him the day he left.
"You look tired" Mizi whispers to him the next day at school. She doesn't look really good either: her eyes are puffy and red and her hair is a mess. Sua, who usually would throw a fit over whatever is bothering Mizi, is unusually quiet, holding her girlfriend's hand. He barely nods, but can't bring himself to reply. School has been hell since Ivan went missing, everyone starting to look their way and whisper, and it seems to have gotten worse now that the official ceremony in his honor is passed. He hates it. He hates, despises every second of it, wants to scream and yell at them for looking their way like that, with a sick curiosity or worse, pity. People pity those who lost a loved one, but they didn't lose anything. People just gave up, they gave up on Ivan and he will not do the same.
"Go to hell" He hisses toward an insistent gaze that immediately looks away.
"ignore them" Mizi said in a tired voice and a hint of anger as well. The bags under her eyes look heavy. "they don't..understand. Even if they probably have good intentions."
"Good intentions? Please. They're so full of pity and for nothing, because Ivan is not dead."
The girls both get tense at his words, and Sua finally talks in a dry tone.
"You're still on this? Are you an idiot? Face it, Till. It's been a month, without any trace of him. It's not like him to vanish. Or do you seriously think he ran away?"
"No! Of course not. He must be stuck somewhere. Listen, I thought again last night and I come up with an idea-"
"Till.." Mizi's tired voice interrupts, but he ignores it for once.
"-and I've come up to the conclusion that someone must retain him somewhere, someone probably stronger"
"Till, stop"
"No, listen-"
"Let's just not talk about this." Sua cuts off, her face closing. Mentioning her brother is clearly a sensitive topic: she hasn't really been herself since he disappeared. None of them has been, honestly.
"But-"
"Drop it Till!"
Everyone is staring at them now. He swallows his words in a tense silence. He knows they don't want to believe him, and it's the most frustrating thing ever. Why are they trying to bury Ivan right away? But he knows it's not their fault, they're blinded by grief. It's been really tough and they look like hell. They're probably too exhausted to investigate, but he isn't so he'll do it for all of them, find Ivan and make the four of them stable and alright again.
He avoids them for the next few weeks. Thinks a lot, make theories in a notebook. Sometimes forgets to go to class, but his parents let him, because he's "mourning." (He wants to scoff at this, because he cannot be mourning if there is nothing to mourn.)
He's going to find Ivan. He's going to, he thinks as he's searching for his pencil. Wait, where did he leave it? Wasn't it just here next to the notebook?
He can't find it. Where the fuck did it go? He swears he had it like one minute ago. Weird. But it's not surprising that he is distracted, since he's spending most of his time investigating after all. He grabs a new pen and keeps on writing notes, writing and writing again what Ivan did last time he saw him, what he said, how he behaved.
His phone rings with a message. It's Mizi.
"Where have you been? Sua and I are worried. We know it's hard, but we're together in this. Please, talk to us..."
He doesn't reply. He cannot right now, not when there is more important to do. He reads his notes, again, and again, and again...
"Tilllll wait for mee!" Ivan, 11 years old, chasing him after school. "Wait, wait, you promised you would walk home with me!"
Him, furious, walking faster.
"Come on! Don't ignore me! Till! Till! Till! Tilly! Tiiiiiilll! You promised!"
"That was BEFORE you crushed the flowers I was gonna give to Mizi you jerk!"
Ivan laughs.
"What, you're still upset about that? Are you a baby? Little Till upset because of simple flowers?"
He keeps laughing, his cruel laugh echoing in Till's ears as tears of frustration fill his eyes.
"You're such an asshole!"
Ivan's smile brightens.
"But I love you, Till"
That strikes him right away. He turns bright red.
"Whatever! You're ridiculous!"
He wakes up abruptly. Shit. He fell asleep on his notebook. He rubs his eyes and glances at the time. 6 p.m. He needs to focus. What did Ivan do before he vanished? They walked after school, going home. He was laughing at him, 'cause of the flowers that grow on the wall...but he didn't seem out of the
Crap. He needs to distract himself, maybe to clear his head..he grabs his phone and looks at a youtube video, something about investigations or something....he chooses one, and clicks on it. But quickly frowns. He got that déjà-vu sensation. He's probably seen it already. With a sigh, he throws his phone on his bed and lays down, because he can't focus anyways. He should make up with the girls, even if they're brainwashed into believing Ivan's death. Maybe he'll even slowly manage to convince them of the truth...He replies to Mizi, asking to see them the next day and stares at the ceiling.
Ivan, where are you?
His eyes close again. He dreams of black hair and crooked teeth.
For the next few days, he reconnects with relieved Mizi and Sua, and keeps his investigation quiet. He needs more solid proofs before showing them. He's more and more convinced that Ivan is stuck somewhere. There aren't any other explanations to this, because otherwise, Ivan would already be back. But where could he be stuck? He starts writing some leads in his notebook, circling some clues, erasing some others. (it seems quite unlikely that Ivan was abducted by aliens. Well..maybe he should not erase it, just in case.)
For a moment, things seem to be quite..alright. (They are not. If they were, Ivan would be here.) But his grades are still somehow enough for him to pass, and he made up with the girls, so it's not hell either. The only thing that really bothers him is the fact that no one ever talks about Ivan. Even worse, they all look away, awkward, when he mentions him. Like they all already put him in the past, like they all already want to forget him the quickest way possible, bye bye exit Ivan. That drives him mad. The only ones who agree to talk about him are Mizi and sometimes Sua, but they use past tense and that irritates him even more, so he never brings him up around them. They all settle in a calm routine, and he secretly keeps investigating.
He asked around. Tracked the places Ivan used to go often. Nothing for now, but he isn't hopeless. An old man in a coffee shop Ivan loves told him that he saw the black-haired man talk with strangers, an old couple, just weeks before he vanished. That's a lead. He described them as elegant, but reserved, with white hair. (Then he chased Till out of the Coffee Shop. Not because he was rude: unlike the rumors about him, Till is actually very polite in this kind of situations. He would never enter a property without asking first or be rude to someone he needs informations from. But apparently, he was asking too much questions and the barista guy was focused on his work, so he told him to leave. But anyways.)
It's okay. Things will be okay, he thinks.
And then they find Ivan's body.
To be more precise, they find the impostor's body.
To be even more precise, that's not really a body. Just a damaged thing, impossible to recognize due to its state, at least that's what he's been told, because he was obviously not allowed to see it.
The news knock everyone out a second time. His mom starts crying on the phone, Mizi is pale as a ghost the next day at school, and Sua is absent. He wants to shake them. That's not Ivan. He doesn't know who this is, who's the poor soul they found at the bottom of the precipice near the bridge with the cherry tree, and he is not interested to know. Because that is not Ivan, that cannot be him. He has to physically restrain himself when he hears them talking about "making another burial ceremony now Ivan was found." Ivan was not found! Not yet at least. But he will, and Till is enraged at the idea to let a stranger be buried with Ivan's name.
"You dreaming?"
He jumps. The guy in front of him frowns, pissed off.
"the project, dude. You were supposed to do your part, remember?"
Fuck. He completely forgot about this group assignment. When was it given? He can't remember. The guy looks really annoyed and about to say something, but his friend stops him with a hand on his arm and whispers something to him. He recognizes that look in her eyes. Pity. He knows what she's probably saying, how he must be so troubled by Ivan's body being recently found. That enrages him. He brutally closes the notebook.
"I'll do my part tonight." He replies aggressively, ignoring the startled look they exchange, and he storms out.
Fuck that shit. He skips the rest of his classes and goes back home. Here, he angrily throws his bag on his bed and starts researching for the assignment, despite his brain not cooperating. God, why is it so hard to focus now? And when was the last time he was able to? Everything feels blurred out.
Ivan looks at him, narrowing eyes, going from his face to the very much failed test in front of him, before looking straight in his eyes in a blank way.
"Are you stupid, Till?"
"What? No! Shut up!" Upset, he grabs the test, ready to leave that asshole here. Ivan laughs, a weird and ugly laugh.
"Awn! Don't be offended, I was joking....Till...Tiill"
What a stupid idea to ask for help from a jerk like him. Ugh.
"Tiiill, don't ignore me. I was joking. I'll help you. I'm already used to tutoring people."
He softens despite himself.
"You will?"
Ivan's face turns saucy.
"If you kiss me as a thanks"
Till shrieks and hits him.
"No way you...you-"
Ivan laughs harder.
"awwwwn, just a kiss! It's almost my birthdayyy and I'll help you get really good grades!"
Till hits him with a pillow, which made the black-haired man scream for "domestic abuse". Eventually they both start laughing and he's tutored all evening.
He didn't kiss Ivan that night.
He should have.
"Till?"
He raises his head at the weird tone in his mother's voice. She's been very much affected by all of this, ever since Ivan disappeared, as she loves him like a second son, but this is a new weird. Something else happened, another bad news. Oh, he wishes he is wrong, just this once. He can't take much more of this madness until Ivan is back. Please let him be wrong.
He isn't wrong.
"Till" Io's voice breaks as she embraces him, the shaking of her body reverberating on his own. "Till, the police think...I mean, considering where they found Ivan, and..the bridge, and..they think he may..that maybe he was.."
She sniffles and holds his shoulders tightly before finally dropping it.
"They think he killed himself"
She says it carefully, like she's afraid the words will make him break like glass into a million pieces that she won't be able to put back together with all the glue of the world.
And..what the actual fuck. They think Ivan killed himself? And they told his mom. Which means Mizi and Sua's families were probably told as well. The rumor will spread. And soon, everyone will think that....
Hell, this is so damn stupid.
"Ivan didn't kill himself!" He hisses. That's the dumbest idea he ever heard. Ivan is not dead, but even if he was, there would be no way it would be suicide. Not Ivan with his stupid cheesy smile, Ivan following him to bother him and hug him tight enough he was scared his bones would be crushed, not Ivan who laughed at him and swore he would stick with him forever. Not Ivan who drew them old together, which was the worst drawing Till had ever seen but that he still pinned in his room.
There's no way Ivan killed himself. He knows Io, like the others, is convinced Ivan is dead, but there's no way she thinks that, right? Surely she knows Ivan better than that? Right? But she does. He sees it in her eyes, and in the strength of her grip. She believes this twisted lie.
"Ivan didn't kill himself." He repeats.
"Till-"
"I would have known! If he was suicidal, I would have noticed." He cuts off. Wrong words. Her eyes fill with a soft pity.
"Till, honey, sometimes people's struggles are not visible-"
No. Fuck this, she doesn't get it. She doesn't fucking get it! He escapes her grip in a furious move and leaves the house. He needs air, he needs to get away, and Io lets him go without resistance, overwhelmed by the situation. So he runs, runs to the stupid bridge and the stupid cherry tree where Ivan did not die.
He's trembling. His hands are shaking and he cannot seem to stop them.
He's not crazy, damnit. He's not. Right? No one believes him, but they are the ones in the wrong. He's not going crazy.
....
But what if he is? He's been forgetting things, couldn't concentrate, felt weird and..different. What if his mind really is escaping him? A deep terror fills him, his breathing speeds up. What if he is sick? What if he really is going into madness and nothing can stop this?
...What if Ivan is dead? But no. That's not possible.
Ivan's smile was always sincere when he was with him. Did he miss something? Did Ivan..?
Ivan sighs with boredom from where he is sitting in the grass.
"Till, you've been drawing for hours. Look at me! I'm bored."
"I'm busy, Ivan." He replies. Just one more stroke...yes, adjusting the shadows...Besides him, the black-haired man sighs again.
"Well, it's time for me to get home" He pouts, wishing to stay in this park all night, but his father wants him to come back early. Till actually raises head at this.
"oh, already?" But the drawing is too distracting, so he quickly waves and goes back to it, distractedly aware of the other boy getting up. He keeps adding details on the paper, one there, another there and...
A weird feeling hits him.
He raises head again, alerted by a sixth sense. There is Ivan, in the middle of the road, crossing it without any care in the world. And a car speeding toward him. Time freezes, his heart stops, and he doesn't even register his sketchbook falling. Someone is screaming. It's him. He's screaming, but he isn't even aware of how he is even moving or producing any noise with how tight his throat is. Ivan jumps, alerted by the yelling, and throws himself on the side. The car avoids him and almost crashes into a tree before succeeding to stop. A stunned silence follows, before Till runs, grabbing Ivan who's still on the ground and crushing him with incoherent yelling, ignoring the panicked car driver who surged to check on them. Ivan is fine, he's breathing, alive and well, without even a scratch. He's fine.
"What an idiot" he murmurs later, cuddling him on the couch. (He got permission to stay for the night at Ivan's after such an event). He refused to leave his side even for one minute, turning into a mother hen. Ivan only smiles.
"If I had known all I had to do for Till to take care of me like that was being hit by a truck, I would have thrown myself in front of a car long ago" He jokes. Till shoves him.
"Don't even joke about this you dumbass!" He hisses, pulling Ivan closer. He can feel his heart beating against him, the comforting sound soothing him. He's alright. Soon, they'll laugh it off because this is the kind of bullshit that normally only happens in movies.
Ivan is fine.
Did he not pay enough attention?
...
No. He's not crazy. Ivan is not dead. He just..he just can't be. He promised to never leave him, he wouldn't have broken that promise, Till refuses to believes it...fuck. Fuck. His hands are trembling. He hits his own head with it to stop the constant ringing in his ears. If only he could think! There is something wrong, that isn't adding up. Ivan disappearance, all this comedy, that body found there, people saying Ivan killed himself...
His eyes trailed on the wall, all covered with fern and those flowers Ivan talked about...
Wait.
No. No, no, no.
Impossible.
But that day, Ivan said...
It's not true. Till's mind refuses to indulge that stupid thought, it just cannot...
"Hey, Till, if you're so upset, want me to climb up and pick you one of those pretty flowers, huh? I bet that'd cheer you up! Maybe even woo you?" Ivan's smile turns snarky. Till lets out an outraged huff and chases the idiot home.
...What if Ivan didn't kill himself but instead..? What if he really tried to pick up those flowers and..?
His traitorous mind pictures it. Ivan, climbing the tree to reach the wall and the flowers growing on it. Reaching his hand, almost getting it and..slipping, or the branch cracking, and...
The world is crumbling and Till crumbles with it, his knees giving up and dropping it to the floor. That can't be true. That...that can't, right? Ivan wouldn't die in such a stupid way. Not for such a stupid reason. Not for bringing flowers. He's mistaken, he's...
But what if he isn't? What if they all were right or almost right all along?
...Is he insane? Is he blinded?
He slowly gets up and walks home, unable to see anything but the trembling path in front of him. Doesn't register Io's worried embrace as she tries to calm him down, still thinking about their previous conversation. But everything shifted since he last talked to his mom, and now he's not furious anymore, only numb. He goes into his room once she frees him, and pauses. Pinned on the wall, facing him, there's...a huge drawing of Ivan. Of Ivan and him making out, actually.
..
What the fuck?
He leans closer. That's definitely his own drawing style, all detailed exactly like he would. Worse, there're more drawings. All over his walls, even covering the previous drawing or posters, Ivan is everywhere. He drew him in every way, from his full self to his face or his eyes only a hundred times, hundred drawings on the walls.
When did he draw that?
He slowly reaches and brushes his fingers against the first drawing, the one where he drew them kissing. What... He can't remember drawing it, but he knows he did. Taking a step back, he breathes deeply, trying to calm down his racing heart. His eyes find Ivan's drawing again. Perfect drawing. Everything is there, even Ivan's crooked teeth or the redness of his pupil...He looks away, but doesn't touch it anymore and leaves the drawings pinned there. He needs to sleep, so he throws the notebooks full of clues and theories about Ivan's disappearance on the ground and lays down. He doesn't remember having so many notebooks either. Fuck, his whole room is a mess, how didn't he notice before? He never really bothered to order it, but this is a new level. To avoid crashing out, he starts putting things in place, would it only be for the distraction. As he cleans the room, he suddenly notices something weird on his guitar. He kinda abandoned it lately, being too busy to play, but something is stuck between the strings...he holds a hand and grabs it gently, careful not to break the strings because he actually always takes care not to damage his belongings. It's...a pencil. His pencil. The one he lost ages ago. How did it end up there?
He closes his eyes to crush the tears, but they come anyway. It's just a stupid pencil, nothing too serious, but he's so damn tired of this, it's like everything is determined to go wrong lately, like everything turned on hard mode. Like he is actually crazy.
"Ugh, you really have no sense of personal space, do you?"
Till sighs, but he doesn't push away the octopus wrapped around his shoulders.
"Nope."
"Come on, I can't even move my arms."
"You don't need your arms, you can stay in mines forever"
He elbows him playfully. Ivan gasps, but only tightens the grip. Till smiles despite himself. That guy is a drama queen, but he wouldn't have him any other way.
"Come on. I can't even breathe. Are you gonna cling to me until we both die of asphyxiation?"
Ivan hum.
"I'm gonna bother you until you marry me."
Till turns red.
"What?? What the hell? Why would I ever marry you??"
"Why not?"
"You...it's..I'm not gonna marry you!"
"Too bad. I'm gonna bother you until you do"
'You're delusionnal' He wants to say but what comes out of his mouth is different.
"You're not bothering me."
Ivan seems stunned for a second, before smirking.
"Oh? So you're going to marry me?"
Ivan will never marry anyone now.
...
This can't be true.
He goes through the worst night of his life, praying for the morning to finally come, and when the sun grants his wish, he's up before the first rays even reach the window. He gets ready for school without even a word, ignoring his mother's worried look. He spent the last weeks in a frenzy and now everything feels numbed. Io hugs him before he goes, asking him softly if he wants to stay home today, but he refuses.
He joins Mizi and Sua. They look tense. Mizi hugs him right away.
"Did they tell you?"
He needs a minute to understand what she's talking about. Right. They must have been told that lie about the suicide.
"It doesn't make sense." Sua says sharply. And yes, finally, someone gets it. It doesn't make any sense. Ivan didn't kill himself. But is he...?
"No, it doesn't. They don't know Ivan like we did."
Fuck. When did he start using past tense too?
Mizi nods, but she doesn't say anything. She looks tired, too tired to keep thinking about theories concerning Ivan's fate. He shares the feeling, but he has to.
He needs to know. To find a way to know, to stop this confusing mess. His mind wanders all day, seeking for a solution.
And then, at lunch, someone taps his shoulder, and just for a second-
A glimpse of dark hair. Red eyes, a smile with crooked teeth. Soon, he's gonna hear an irritating voice calling his name with that particular tone and-
He blinks. The hair is not black, but brown, the eyes are not red and black, but brown. It's only Acorn. A wave of disappointment washes over him and the numbness that haunted him all day suddenly gives way to a brutal and intense rage. Because for a second, he really thought...
This isn't fair. None of this is fucking fair.
He hears screaming, but he can't decipher what is being said until someone grabs him from behind and hold him tightly and fuck that shit why are holding him and there's blood on his knuckles-
What?
Oh.
He examines his bloodied hands, incredulous, before his eyes fall on Acorn, beat up and nose bleeding. He did that.
He just..
He just acted without realizing. Fuck. Fuck!
Is he really insane? Is he really going to snap and attack people? Hurt them? That's not him. He used to fight a lot as a child, but he's not violent anymore. He doesn't want to hurt people, he doesn't wish any harm on anyone, he doesn't!
As he's starting to choke on air, the person who's holding him -it's Dewey, he realizes- gently leads him away, followed by Mizi and Sua. They look tired. A wave of shame hits him: they're going through all this shit too, and he's not helping at all.
"Don't worry" Dewey says in a kind tone "I'm sure you won't get punished too harshly considering..." He doesn't finish. Doesn't need to. Till escapes them and runs home, where he crumbles on the floor, not making it to his bed. Tears fall steadily as he tries to breathe again. This is so fucked. All of this is so fucked. He wants to go back in time, when they were children meeting for the very first time after Ivan's family moved to the neighboring house, he wants to be eleven again, mad at his best friend but knowing he would forgive him on the next day, sooner if Ivan threw rocks at his window and apologized with an awkward smile and a gift half destroyed on purpose, he wants to be back months ago, when he just had to walk few foots to reach Ivan's house and Ivan was still here, just two seconds away.
Shit. No, this can't go on, he needs to know.
He needs to see the body. That's the only way, he needs to check, to be sure if...
He needs to break into the morgue.
The new burial ceremony will take place in a few days but the body will be covered because it's "too damaged."(It doesn't matter. If the body is Ivan, he will recognize him, he knows it.) But before that, they keep the body in the morgue to preserve it. It shouldn't be that hard to break in, right? Especially at night. Yes, he could actually slip at night, when most workers have left already. The mortuary is located in the basement of the hospital. He knows this, because one of his distant aunt is working at the hospital, thought not in that service, and thanks to her and her endless complains, he also know that there's a back door of the hospital that can't be locked because it's broken and apparently not considered urgent enough to be fixed by whoever should be in charge of that. He can still hear her and her insufferable voice, hissing that "it's such a shame, anyone could break in and steal equipment" and how in that society, no one cared about the hospital workers, and a two hours complain that Io smiled awkwardly while listening and making dinner. Not that his aunt was necessarily wrong, but the more important thing that she was right about was that anyone could break in.
And he will. But not to steal some equipment.
I'm gonna find you, Ivan, for worse or better.
Some days later, the day before the burial ceremony, his plan is ready. Not much of a plan, really, but he knows he can make it. The air is chilling when he slips out of his window, extremely cautious not to make any sound to wake up his mother. She seemed relieved those past days that he was calmer. She even stopped bugging him every two minutes with the suggestion to see a therapist, now only suggesting it once a day. What a progress. He's a little harsh, he knows it's also complicated for Io, but his patience lately has been really limitated. Anyways. He sighs with relief when he makes it outside without any problem. It almost feels unreal, like a dream, as he's walking in the dark, too focused and nervous to even feel worried about walking alone at night. This is it. Tonight, he's gonna discover the truth. It can seems a little bit crazy to break inside a morgue to watch a body, he's aware, but the end sometimes justify the mean, and no one will fucking tell him anything reliable, so he has to check himself. It's...surprisingly easy to access to the back of the hospital, and the door his aunt has said was unlocked....he leans closer, his heart beating, and tries to push it....what if it's actually locked? But the door opens. Easy. Too easy. He carefully slips inside, his flashlight in hand, as he makes his way to the stairs, his heart now beating like crazy. If he's found here....
But there's no one. Weird, but he's not gonna question it if that makes his task easier. He quickly finds the morgue and again, the doors aren't locked, so he can enter and open the drawers with the files of the patients. They are classed in alphabetic order, so he quickly goes to Ivan's last name...here it is. He notes the number, and with shaking hands, closes the drawers. Now that he is here, he can feel death all around him and that frightens him a little, but not enough to stop him from his goal.
He searches up for the number on the coolers containing the bodies. Until...here. Taking a deep breath, he reaches his hand, blood rushing on his ears, and with a quick gesture, he opens it.
And...
....
He bursts into laughter, forgetting to be quiet.
That's not Ivan.
That's not fucking Ivan.
The body is atrocious to look at, the face almost entirely destroyed though the blood has been cleaned, but there's no mistakes here. This person, this impostor, it's not Ivan.
Which means Ivan didn't fall and didn't die. He's alive.
He was right. HE WAS RIGHT SINCE THE BEGINNING.
Fuck, he knew it! All those fuckers, they all tried to convince him he was crazy, that he was wrong, and all that time...IVAN WAS ALIVE. IVAN IS ALIVE.
He's not crazy. He never was, he may actually be the only sane of all of them, and this is the proof, the ultimate proof that confirms it. He could cry of relief, or sing a song to the impostor's corpse to celebrate this discovery.
Ivan, Ivan, Ivan.
God, he wasted so much time.
He can't remember how he gets out if the morgue, out of the hospital and back in his room, he can't remember, but it doesn't matter because he was fucking right all along, and now he's going to save Ivan and everyone will have to admit they were defeatists and gave up too fast. He laughs, laughs like a maniac, ecstatic, and even smiles at the drawings of Ivan on his walls.
"I knew it, dude, I fucking knew it."
He still doesn't remember drawing them, but it doesn't matter anymore. He even decides to add some details to one of them to be sure Ivan looks like himself there. Better. God, he'll have to take them off before Ivan returns, it would be so embarrassing to show him, and the other guy will definitely mock the hell out of him! Especially if he sees the one where they're..kissing...But maybe after laughing they could...do it for real..
Ugh, what is he thinking!! He'll have time for that later...for now, it's more important to bring back Ivan...he giggles as he falls asleep, having the best sleep he's had in months, since this madness started. Ivan is going back home. HE FINALLY IS.
The new burial ceremony takes place on the next day. Everyone is here again, just like the ridiculous first time. He hugs his crying mother, trying to fight the smile off his face because soon she'll be relieved and happy again, when he hears it.
"Till"
Just a whisper in his ear but there's no mistake, it's his voice, he abruptly jolts and looks around. Nothing. His eyes fall on the body, covered by a white shroud, and it hits him. Of course. It's a sign, isn't it? The body beneath that shroud is not Ivan. They covered it to hide the grotesque deception but he knows the truth now, and the body isn't buried yet, and so... If he can just lean closer, just a little bit closer, he could grab it, pull it, and reveal to everybody that-
Someone grabs his hand.
"What are you doing?" Sua hisses furiously.
Oh. Mizi, Sua. He forgot they would be here too. They can help him. He smiles brightly and leads them away.
"You need to help me uncover the body."
They look startled and unsettled.
"What? What are you talking about, Till?" Mizi asks.
"It's..The body..It's not Ivan."
She widens eyes.
"What?"
"It's not Ivan." He repeats enthusiastically.
"Of course it's Ivan! What are you even-" Sua groans but he doesn't let her finish.
"No, I saw it! I broke into the morgue, I checked, it's not him!"
They exchange a weird look.
"You..broke into the morgue" Sua repeats with skepticism. She doesn't believe him. "Till, you can't break into the morgue. It's locked, guarded, and the new morgue is literally on the other side of town.."
"Yes, I did! And it wasn't Ivan! Ivan is alive!"
The girls both look stunned. That's it, right? They'll start seeing the truth now.
(YOU WILL GET IT YOU WILL GET IT NOW)
"You can't be serious." Mizi's voice, usually calm, is full of rage.
What?
She loses it. Mizi, always holding her anger inside, always keeping it together for their sake, breaks down, worry and grief finally crushing her limits.
"That's enough Till! You..we thought you snapped out of this! We..you had accepted his death, the other day! Till, Ivan is dead. He's not coming back." Her voice breaks.
"Do you think it's easy for us? We're all on the same boat here, we're with you. All together in this stupid world!Sua lost her brother, I lost my best friend, and you lost....I know you were the closest to him, but that's too far. Till, that's too far!"
She interrupts herself to breathe heavily, exhausted by her lashout, and tears fill her eyes. Next to her, Sua raises her head and speaks. He expected her to be violent, furious, to yell at him also, as she was always more prompt to anger, but her voice is quiet.
"Right after he vanished, I had to hear people mentioning Ivan all the time to guess what happened to him, like a silly, funny game, like a fun fact they'll forget in an hour or two. Once, one of them got his name wrong, and it irritated me, it irritated me so much that they got it wrong that I opened my mouth, and I said : 'His name was...' and then I just..it hit me that my brother was now a 'was'. That he would never be a 'is' again. And for the past months, I had to come around that fact and..."
Her voice wavers. She pauses and looks at him straight in the eyes.
"Till, you need help. We all do, actually. Mizi and I have been seeking help and you should do the same. We all have crazing coping mechanisms, but..this is seriously worrying. You're...stuck"
"Sua.." His voice's stuck in his throat.
"Ivan is still an 'is'. Not a 'was'" He whispers like a promise.
"Till, please.." Mizi's voice is calmer now as she begs, her anger already replaced by numbness and worry, always worry, so much worry. He feels bad to worry them both so much. He knows they mean well, but they don't understand. Ivan is alive. And he can't actually waste any more time here instead of searching for him.
"I need to go, but I'll prove it to you"
He replies, already sneaking out.
"What? Where are you going? Till!" Mizi's voice is full of despair.
"If you don't want to accept help, Till, we'll have to do it for you!" Sua's voice echoes.
He doesn't turn back.
I
V
A
N
What will they do anyways? Tell his mom? Chain him and force him to go to therapy? They probably would, actually. He curses, but keeps running home. He spent so long in that haze that he stopped really investigating and he wasted so much time he wants to scream. Ivan needed him and where was he? Crying like an idiot over nothing. So he hurries up in the stairs, finally reaches his room and-
Ivan is here.
Sitting in his desk's chair, a big smile on his face, his black hair messy and wearing his favorite hoodie. His crooked teeth contrast with his lips like it always did, his eyes are the same black and red they've always been, and they're staring at him with the same intense warmth they always did. Comforting.
No mistakes. It's Ivan. His Ivan.
He always knew he would come back eventually.
"Ivan.." He whispers, leaning closer.
(I KNEW IT)
Everything is finally going back to normal, like it should always have been. He reaches arms and hugs him tightly, his arms wrapping against his empty chair.
It's gone.
No!
He grips the chair desperately and then throws it violently against the wall. It breaks, exploding in sharp pieces.
Ivan was here, for a second he was here (HE WAS THERE HE WAS THERE HE WAS FUCKING THERE ) and...Till's eyes fall on Ivan's camera, the one he took from his room. He completely forgot about it. With a trembling hand, he reaches for it. Everything is clear now, clear as crystal.
Ivan sent him a message. He wanted him to find the camera again, because inside there's probably a proof of where he is. That must be it. Maybe it is something like an astral projection? Well, who cares, he's wasting time again. He throws himself on the camera and goes through it. Thousand pictures of him, of them. Him at school, him laughing, him drawing, him talking with Mizi and Sua. Selfies of them both, eating, playing, resting on the grass. So many memories he almost forgot about.
So many pictures of him alone.
Oh, Ivan. I feel the same.
He holds his breath as he keeps going through those glimpses of their past, all preserved, safe and sound here. One of them is a picture of both of them in the park, Ivan smiling like a model and him looking dumb as hell. He got mad when he saw the picture and tried to suppress it, but Ivan held the camera away from him, laughing like an idiot and swearing it was his favorite picture of Till and he would print it over his walls. The next picture is them again, half asleep in Till's room. He remembers complaining that Ivan always used his camera on the worst moments. The next is a video. Curious, he presses play and freezes. It's the coffee shop Ivan always liked to go to, and he's filming himself with...an old couple. He recognizes them immediately, they're the ones living in that big propriety, that have the reputation to be crazy. Of course, what an idiot! The Coffee shop owner told him he saw Ivan with an old couple! How could he not guess who they were before?? Yeah, there's nothing suspicious in the recording, Ivan discuss with them about tutoring their granddaughter for school, (filming as a proof they got an agreement on the number of hours and how much he'd get paid, he always did that to avoid being scammed as he often tutored children from rich families for whom administrative stuff was easy to falsify, not that he cared much about the money but still) yet Till replays it again and again and again and again and again and again and-. He knows it, something is off here. Why is she smiling like that? She's plotting something. She's planning to kidnap Ivan. Why are his eyebrows like that? Weird. Weird. He's weird. That couple...they're the ones holding Ivan captive, he's now sure of it.(Those piece of shit, fucking asshole he will rip them apart and not stop until they bleed) A wave of excitement washes over him at the discovery, because he finally knows where Ivan is, there's no other solution. He looks by the window and Ivan is here, waiting for him.in the garden, ready to lead him.
Ivan..
He smiles and runs outside, runs toward the old couple propriety. It's a huge manor surrounded by a gigantic estate guarded by an iron gate. He climbs it, but a man immediately grabs him and gets him back out.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
His tone is dry. Professional. What the hell, they even have a gatekeeper? That's even more suspicious!
"Let me in you fucking jerk!"
I won't be long
He tries to argue with him to let him talk with the owners, but soon ends up back in the streets. Asshole.
You won't ever be alone anymore
Fine. If the main gate is guarded, he needs to find another way to get him. Luckily, he does know one. He runs back to the old bridge. Ivan is here, waiting patiently, calm and smiling. He smiles back and blinks and he's gone again. (I love you. You. You.)But not for long, because soon he'll crush the bones of the real Ivan with a very real embrace.
He evaluates the distance. There're several big branches going over the void and reaching the wall and definitely no guardian in this part of the estate.
I'm coming, Ivan.
He climbs carefully. Once on the other side of the wall, he'll slip inside the house discretely, and find where they keep Ivan. Then they'll both escape by the same way. He progresses forward. Ivan will hug him back. He'll bring him back home, where Io must have arrived now, and she'll embrace him and cry of relief. Then they'll tell the police that he's back and needs to cancel the fake burial ceremony they made. Mizi and Sua will be able to breathe again. He'll never leave Ivan out of his sigh again, and soon they'll laugh it off. "Hey, remember that time years ago when you vanished for months? That was crazy" they'll say. Hilarious, right?? Hilarious?? Maybe they'll even tell the anecdote at their wedding. Yeah, definitely. Ivan will laugh too loudly and he'll shove him fondly for it and they'll smirk at their guesses shocked faces and then he's going to-
The branch cracks.