Work Text:
September
“Hi, boyfriend.”
“Hey, boyfriend. How is your morning going?”
“Slow, counting down the hours until I can leave this office, jump in the car and see my hot new boyfriend.”
“Is that so, well I'm also counting down the hours until I see my hot new boyfriend. What a coincidence.”
“It sounds as if you're counting down the hours somewhere busy.”
“I'm at the supermarket and it is busy today, yeah. So how hot is your hot new boyfriend?”
“Well now, he's so hot it does certain things to parts of my anatomy when I think about him.”
“Stede, not fair man! I'm in public, not alone in my own private office like you.”
“Oh shoot, I forgot we were both supposed to be somewhere private for sexy talk. I got a bit carried away sorry.”
“You're a fucking beautiful menace, mate. How am I supposed to make a comeback or concentrate on shopping now?”
“Will it help if I say something else instead?”
“Not really. Give me a minute, let me think of something that won't get me escorted out of here.”
“I'm sure you'll be able to conjure up something less risky, Edward. You do have a way with words after all… and other things.”
“Stede!”
“Sorry!”
Ed desperately looks around him for some inspiration, hopefully something that won't get him arrested for lewd behaviour either.
“OK… so my boyfriend is so hot he makes chocolate melt.”
“You're standing in the confectionery aisle, aren't you?”
“Maybe…”
“Are you buying me chocolate? For our anniversary.”
Dear reader, at this point Ed Teach and Stede Bonnet have been together as a couple for a whole month now.
“I was going to, but the surprise is ruined so I'll have to get you something else to go with your other gifts."
“You can still buy me chocolate; I'll just act surprised when you give it to me.”
“OK, but I'll get you something extra as well. Something else you don't know about. Got chocolate on the brain now too, might pick some up for myself and… fuucck!”
“Ed? Are you still there? Hello… Ed?”
“I'm still here, yeah. They’re already selling selection boxes, Stede, and yule logs, and fuck, not the fancy boxes of shortbread... you know what that means don't you.”
“It's OK Ed, just breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…”
“They’re going to start playing that fucking song soon!”
“Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...”
October
Ed stands in the window of Delicacies and Delights watching the rain pelting down on the almost empty street. Business has been slow today now the tourists have gone home and not many people have ventured out in the bad weather. He's already let David go early and might just close the shop up. No point hanging around. Besides, Ed still needs to call in on Ivan and pack his bag for the weekend. He has an early train to catch in the morning. Well, that's if Stede still wants to spend the weekend with him. Who knew someone could be so sensitive about fabrics? Ed's probably best checking first. Takes his phone out of his jeans pocket when he notices an unread text off Izzy.
Have you seen the news?
Shit, what has happened now? Everything seems to be so relentless at the moment, can't there be just one day when there isn't any news? None whatsoever. Ed sends a quick reply to Izzy.
What news?
Deciding to check BlueSky while he waits, Ed sees straight away what his friend means. No, no, no, this can't be happening.
Izzy sends another message with a link to the article announcing that yes, after all this time 90s boy band, The Revenge Boys, are making a comeback with a reunion tour and a re-release of their hit single, ‘My Christmas Wish,’ in time for this year's festive period!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuucck!
November
“Then the snake uses its lower jaw to almost walk over its prey…”
“Louis, stop being so disgusting!”
“It's not disgusting Alma, it's nature! And as I was saying, usually starting with the head..”
“Ed! Can you tell him please!”
“Lou, do us a favour, stop winding your sister up please, mate.”
“It's so unfair, we had to listen to Alma go on about that operation. Why can't I talk about snakes?”
“Shut up, that wasn't real, it was a scene on a TV programme, you're just being gross.”
“No, I'm not! Can you tell her Ed!”
To be honest, Ed hadn't enjoyed the story about the operation either. It made him feel a little queasy. He suddenly becomes aware of two scowling faces looking at him, obviously expecting Ed to act as some kind of referee. Stede's still standing in the queue at the counter of the coffee shop waiting to be served. Ed's on his own with this, should be easy enough to sort though, he's got this, hasn't he?
“If you don't both cut it out… Santa won't bring you any presents this year.”
His words are met with silence and then pure disbelief.
“Seriously?”
“We're not babies, Ed.”
“I'm at college.”
“I'm nearly 14.”
“See, we're both way too old to be threatened with Santa.”
“Yeah, seriously, Ed.”
OK, so logically speaking, Ed knew he was way off the mark with that one. It was the first thing he could think of though.
Now they're both united over Ed's absurdity, Louis starts to show Alma a funny cat video on his phone leaving Ed to sit back and watch Stede for a moment. He's still in the queue and has struck up a conversation with the person in front of him. Ed isn't too keen on small talk with strangers, but Stede loves it. Was forever relaying the latest piece of gossip he'd heard from someone on the train, in a shop or at work. People were drawn to him like he was some kind of magnet.
For some reason Stede suddenly freezes, he stops talking, slowly turns and gives Ed that smile he does when he's beginning to panic but really doesn't want Ed to know. And then Ed hears it, the recently re-released version of that bloody song!
Louis hears it too, he puts his phone down on the table, pushes his chair back, gets up and walks over to Ed so he's standing behind his chair. He then puts his hands over Ed's ears to try and block out the noise.
“It’s OK, Ed, I’ve got you.”
“Thanks buddy.”
Unfortunately, despite Lou's best efforts, Ed can still hear everything. He also knows how much Louis loves the song, so he really appreciates the gesture all the same.
Wait a minute.... since when did Louis know Ed had any connection to the song?
December
Bah fucking humbug! Christmas was cancelled… or Ed wishes it was in any case. At least then he wouldn't constantly be stalked by the ghost of Christmas past.
Ed knows he probably sounds ungrateful considering the opportunities he's had since winning the competition. He just hates hearing the song wherever he goes or whenever he switches on the TV or radio.
The Revenge Boys reunion hasn't helped matters; it's made things ten times worse in fact. At least the charities Ed anonymously donates royalties to should get a nice amount this year. That's something positive for him to focus on for sure. He doesn't really want Christmas to be cancelled either, if truth be told he's looking forward to it. His first Christmas with Stede, the kids, his mum, Mary and Doug. It should be good.
He just needs to get through the next couple of weeks and then it will all be fine.
Turning the key Stede had given him in the lock of 15 Calypso Grove, Ed can feel himself finally start to relax. He’s a couple of hours early and is looking forward to surprising Stede, Alma and Lou. As it turns out, Ed is the one who gets a surprise.
The three of them are in the lounge decorating the 6ft artificial tree with baubles and tinsel, singing along to Christmas classics and it's all so heartwarming, like something out of a Hallmark movie. Until that fucking song comes on.
Ed braces himself for the worst, for one of them to press skip and confess how they really feel, until he witnesses his very own Christmas miracle. All three Bonnets actually cheer because Ed's song is on, they all stop decorating for a moment, start dancing and sing along to the words Ed wrote all those years ago. The look of happiness on their faces when they finally notice Ed standing in the doorway takes his breath away. Stede walks over, still singing, takes hold of both Ed's hands, pulls him further into the room and makes Ed dance with him. Louis and Alma pick up some of the tinsel and drape it around them both so they're all shiny and sparkly.
For the first time in years, Ed is listening to ‘My Christmas Wish,’ singing along even and he isn't cringing or trying to block it out. He's enjoying himself, having fun and he feels happy, really fucking happy.
Maybe he didn't write such a bad song after all.
Who would have thought it?